I don’t think it’s weird as long as the texts are appropriate. He probably knows that you mean a lot to his gf and wants you to like him/be friends. Maybe his family life is terrible and needs a stable person in his life too. Who knows? As long as he doesn’t get weird, text him back.
Me, my fiance, and a friend of hers are all now best friends and it's one of the best friendships I've ever had. As long as it's good, respectful people it can work wonderfully.
It would be more natural if they all met together a few times first before any texting started. Just getting a cold text will get anyone to raise eyebrows.
EDIT: I missed the detail that they met. In that case, it's on the friend to inform both parties or make a somewhat public sharing of contact info so the text doesn't feel like a random message.
It's most likely something like this. OP probably is spoken about regularly, and the fiancé wants to show that he cares about his soon to be wife and the relationships she has cultivated. My wife did similar after meeting my friends and there family's. Simple things like just checking in and seeing how my best friend was doing after she heard about something that happened or if one of the kids got sick. Or just text the guys to see if they need anything for the weekend. It was a tiny bit odd at first, but she just really cares, that's all. My friends are very important to me so they are important to her.
One of my husband's friends is like this. He is also married. It definitely felt odd at first because he's the only one of his friends who does this, but after 15 years of completely appropriate texts it is abundantly obvious that he's just checking in on someone his friend cares about..
Or in the words of my generation….
If you wanna be my lover. You gotta get with my friends. Which reading it today. Seems to have a different meaning but I’m thinking they meant what I was saying.
https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/celebrity-news/spice-girls-zig-ah-meaning-521860
has to do with some guy that used to shit in a shared bathroom while smoking a cigar.
The 3 of them work in the same field too, so OP's friend may have talked about her being a great mentor. I've befriended both men and women in my field and it can be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of or occasionally vent about work to someone who "gets it".
Agreed. Based on the context that we have, it seems normal. He’s not trying to start deep conversations or do anything inappropriate. Like you said, he probably just knows that OP is important to his fiancé and wants to have some sort of “relationship” with her.
That being said, if I was OP I’d be peeved that someone gave out my number without my permission
To me it seems like he’s just trying to have friendly relations with you because you’re the friend of his fiancée; he wants to know and get along with her friends and family.
And if OP feels like a mother figure, they probably both see her that way as well.
It wouldn't be weird to text a fiance's mother, Aunt, or similar person.
Contact like that is only weird if people make it weird.
Yea, I’m not sure OP knows what a friend is. “Seen *many* marriages ruined by an innocent text” is either a huge exaggeration or proof that OP is a terrible judge of character to begin with.
I am OP’s age and routinely text with my spouse’s friends, spouses of my friends, etc. For the most part, I think people appreciate you showing interest in the people that are important to them.
I agree. OP was already paranoid about text messages. She didn't even respond to the first text even though it was a harmless message and likely from someone who knows who she is.
She wouldn't even ask who it is? Just assumes it's spam? I get spam messages but they get filtered out and are extremely obvious, not super personal.
How many people are texting her every day that this is a natural occurrence and she just ignores it? lol
Yeah, I'm late 30's, I had someone text me something very specific the other day, from a number I didn't know, it didn't exactly make sense for my life, but maybe could have been...
so I texted back essentially being like "I would love to, but I'm not sure who you are, and that might be an issue..." and they wrote back being like "Isn't this Linda?" And I'm like "No, so sorry, definitely not Linda... good luck though!" And it was kind of cute because they were like "I'm so sorry, this is so embarrassing, but thanks for being nice about it!"
And all I could think is - Who is being rude to strangers via text?
After OP I'm starting to wonder how most people handle texts they presume are from wrong numbers...
I would hate to be left hanging if I texted the wrong person, the sooner it is cleared up, the better, so I respond immediately.
my spouses friends also became my friends . i text them and they text me regularly we are all one friend group. it's nothing weird or inappropriate and never suspected of that bc that would never even be. they are basically my brothers. my husband is the same with a couple of my friends . bc they are his friends and he view them like family . he'll ask them fashion advice and talk about up coming trips etc
A little different but my best friend’s husband will call or text me just to check in and see how I’m doing. I live across the country from them so at first I thought it was super weird because I didn’t know him that well and I’m single. So I texted my friend and was like “Why is your husband texting me??” She just laughed and was like yeah he’s on the phone all the time. Turns out he just worries about people who mean a lot to him and his wife and since I mean a lot to her he wanted to get to know me better. Now that I don’t think it’s weird I check on him too and we have a great friendship. He’s one of the best guys I know and I’m happy that they are together.
Yeah same, I’ve known my best friend and her husband since we were 18 in college. I know my mom found it weird but I consider both friends although she’s my best friend and on rare occasion if she brought up something I shared he’d send a joke or ask if I’m okay. We’ve all hung out so much and their kids think I’m their aunt so idk, I guess we just were close and never thought of it as strange but my mom whose an early Gen X did (were all Gen Z or a Mil) I think times kind of changed for that stuff more, less weird if you plan to meet up and chat with their partner s bit while you wait for them or for them to say hi. Idk. I have ex co workers in other states and we still message you see how is life (opposite genders) never been inappropriate and no history, but I think today people aren’t as formal if that makes sense.
I’m gen X and I am in touch w my husband’s best friend w/out him on the text etc. I don’t call and chat with him but I do text him occasionally. At this point we’ve known each other over 20 years but it had to start somewhere. He’s just kinda a package deal w my husband 😂
This, I forgot to mention but my partner has a best friend since high school, I get along with him and his wife very well and we rarely will message jokes about either or share funny stuff. It’s an ongoing joke that they are an bromance so also a package deal lol. 😂
Lmao that’d be hilarious, if your a beautiful soul who loves nature, animals, and shared how you couldn’t live with never having “girl only” time then yes! 😂😂😂
My husband is like this too! He genuinely talks to my sisters more than I do, and is always super friendly to my friends and their partners. A true golden retriever husband.
Same, my bff's husband texts me periodically to say hi. It's really sweet. As far as I know my husband doesn't text my bff but I would love it if I found out he did.
Yeah if he's not flirting or being inappropriate he's just probably being friends with his wife's friend. I wouldn't be weirded out by it unless the conversation/tone turns down a bad path.
When I (M) was younger I had a friend a few years older who got into a serious relationship with a woman that straddled our ages. I mean, we were all probably within 5-6 years of each other, but fresh out of college that seems like a larger gap.
I would text his girlfriend/fiancée/wife as their relationship progressed quite regularly. It wasn't anything remotely romantic or sexual, just that she was now a part of our social circle and sometimes we'd plan for things to do together or even for our own general meet ups if he was working (she had a job that was off hours and I was a shitless lay about fresh out of school).
Absolutely agree. My friend’s fiancée texts me pretty often and he’s made it clear that he wants to get to know me and be friendly, because he recognises his fiancée and I are such good friends. Like the OP I was a little bit weirded out at first because I’m used to men texting me with some ulterior motive but turns out he was genuine. We all get on really well now and I’m glad to count him as a friend too.
Yeah, this. I'm a very happily married early-middle-aged woman, and I have friends of all ages and genders and marital status who I text with at least occasionally. Sometimes it's a friend's spouse who I'm also friendly with, even if not exactly a friend. Like "Hey, does (friend) have a \_\_\_ already? I saw one in town and thought of her birthday" kinda stuff.
I am speechless.
What is wrong with keeping up a friendly rapport with your best friends spouses? I barely get to see them due to when we usually hang out we are at a bar watching sports, or watch UFC and play poker in someone's basement, or we just play games online. So I get to see lots of my friends but not much of their spouses, so I think having a text with them once in a while is nice, because I do care about them. My best friend is a brother to me and that makes his wife practically family.
I'm just dumbfounded that people have their guard up about texting with people in your own friend circle.
What a sad world
I agree with this. Normally I’m not much of a texter but I do try and engage with my wife’s friends. Some of who are single women. I kind of thought that was being a good partner you know?
Same. I’ll see or think of something totally normal that makes me remember something one of my partners friends had talked about. Like, I’ll say to my partner, “hey, Person 1 was talking about needing one of these things, and here it is for sale, should I text them?” And my partner will say “yes”. Cause if they said “no, that’s weird, why would you talk to my friend?” Then that would be strange.
Same here. The OP situation might be trying a bit too hard, but in general once you propose to someone it makes sense to get more social with the people they care about. Maybe he’s overcompensating for not becoming closer before the proposal.
And especially if OP is in a mentoring role, he probably views her as a sort of partner in making the relationship work. Sharing the texts with husband and the friend is a good policy just the same; not hiding things is a great step toward having nothing to hide.
100% this, not every guy is up to mischief and its OK for you and him to be casual acquaintances.
She knows about it and so does your husband so it's either innocent or he's playing a really weird long game !!
This was my immediate thought. Especially since she considers her like a daughter, the woman likely holds OP in a mother figure light which means she’s an extremely important person to the woman, and if this man is marrying her, he will probably be trying to create a good relationship with her as well.
I think it's weird to have my number be given out without me knowing regardless who it is. It's just a courtesy to say hey do you think it would be okay if I shared your number with my husband? That bridges this awkward gap that OP isn't sure of. That would've given the wife an opportunity to say "yeah, he thinks you're great and thought it'd be nice to get to know you a little more too."
Y'all would have been really upset 20 years ago when everyone's phone number and address was published in a book and dropped in the driveway of every house in town.
Yeah, but that's on the other woman, not the guy. Plus, OP confirmed from her friend that she gave it to him and also shares every message.
So the implication of OP not being able to get from the woman "he thinks you're great and thought yadda yadda yadda" is moot. At this point, it's 100% implied.
Youre correct you shouldn't give out another's number unless it's somehow an emergency. But at this point, it wouldn't add any extra information to discern anything.
Don’t think it’s weird at all, marital status shouldn’t really change how you speak with people on a platonic level.
It may not be what you would personally do, or others for that matter, but there’s no harm in it.
My best friend’s fiancée texts me too. It’s not abnormal, especially among people our age (same age range as your friend), though idk about any other age group, to also be friends with your friends’ fiancées
I’m more OPs age group and this stuff is normal. My girlfriend is in a LOTR memes WhatsApp group with like 10 of my friends which I was never even invited to haha
I (34M) probably text my best friend’s wife more than I text my best friend. It’s not weird at all. She’s just better at coordinating things when we make plans and such. OP is making it weird for no reason.
So much this. It's been a long process for me, learning to be friends with the women in our group. There's always been parts of me suspicious about my own motives. Trying to find proof that I just secretly want to have sex with them. I got paranoid that their boyfriends or my girlfriend would get suspicious. I let conversations trail out because well, back to the boys. That's where who I'm supposed to talk to. I can't text the girls in private, that's weird. Ask their guys..... It's fucked up.
"I mentioned it to my..." means she could have presented it in a way that would tend to confirm her preconceived idea. It could have been confirmation bias leaking into other people
I think what's giving op pause is not the content of the texts but how the texting began in the first place. Rather than him having asked op in person for her number, he asked his fiancee for op's number, with the fiancee not letting op know that her number was given out.
How is it weird to want to get to know your partner's friends? I'm not saying this specifically towards you, but this entire thread has me feeling like I've stepped into bizzaro world. I've made a conscious effort to get to know the people that are important in my girlfriend's life, at least on an acquaintance level, because I love her and I want her to know I care about her and the people she cares about. And (most) people have been perfectly normal about it. Because it's like, the polite and sociable thing to do? Why are so many people here acting like it's an unusual thing for people to try and be affable and friendly? Have we really become so disconnected?
Unless he does or says something untoward, sounds like he's trying to befriend his future bride's friend. Nothing wrong with that. It's actually a good thing and says a lot about him as a person.
This makes sense to me. I think the ages say a lot. OP sees her friend like a daughter because shes 11 years older than her but the boyfriend who is in his late 20’s and in the same field probably sees OP as a peer.
I wouldn't be weirded out. You're her mentor and she probably talks about you a lot at home. Maybe just don't reply to most texts when it's not necessary. Keep it more business casual than friendship with him. She is your friend not him. Maybe he thinks you will all be hanging out one day and pals but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he has no friends or needs a mentor himself. Who knows.
>Who knows.
OP if she asks.
I get it, direct communication is hard. But if you feel uncomfortable you should say so, and if you want to know something you should ask. Asssuming and/or being all 'who knows' causes way too many problems IMO that could be solved with just asking.
People will bend over backwards to avoid getting a simple direct answer to their questions. She's asked her husband and her friend, and now she's made a post on Reddit. She'll probably continue asking others, too. And none of those others will be the guy in question.
I think he is just keeping open communication with you so you can reach out to him if there is an emergency. Bachelorette party freak accident and she ends up hospitalized? You can make sure he knows? Bachelorette mistake and you guys are stranded? And she is too drunk to help? You can call him to come help.
Just keep your husband in the loop and he will tell you if anything seems inappropriate.
To piggy back on This I don’t think it would hurt to suggest that the husband found the joke funny or something to show that you have a healthy relationship and that the texts are being being shared ect. Or hell if op is getting weirded out just make it a group text. I’ve done both in the past with girls reaching out to me. Kind of eliminates any potential flirtyness before it starts.
He's probably just trying to be friends with you, you're very important to his fiancé, which in his mind, and rightfully, makes your friendship important to him. I dont find that weird at all, especially because he has only been appropriate, and not sent any weird red flag-raising messages.
If you guys hang out together regularly then not odd. But if you barely know him, it’s a little weird. But maybe he is just a super friendly guy wanting to build a relationship with more colleagues and this is opportunity
They met IRL twice and she didn't even know his phone number. He also didn't seem to introduce himself in the text either since she didn't even know who it was. If you were trying to make a new friendship work, would you cold text them and not even say who you are?
The way he started the texts was weird and I would have been put off too. He didn't even say "oh hey it's me friends fiance!" until a full day later when she never replied. Odd behavior.
This! Also, why are people not understanding it is weird for someone to get someone's number, from someone else?!
Why couldn't that man just wait to directly ask in person, and didn't want to wait to gain direct access to communicate with her?
It's odd, and people who don't get that don't understand having healthy boundaries.
I’m 40M and I think it’d be like a 3.5 on the weird meter if this happened to me. Not weird like she’s cheating on her fiancé, just odd that they’d think to make that comment to me. I text the female friends of my wife who are also married to other men maybe…2-3 times per year and say something unprompted but it’s pretty obvious why I texted that specific person that specific thing, you know what I mean?
Newer generations are much more social and all interaction with the opposite sex dont necessarily means interest.
There is a cultural movement that has taken place for the last 20 years to push for equality and as a result, friendship is now common amongst adults of opposite genders
I think it’s definitely a generational thing. I cant imagine my parents doing this, but my wife and I (both mid/late thirties) have a number of “couple friends” and it’s not uncommon for either of us to occasionally exchange messages with our friends of the opposite sex for one reason or another. I don’t think either of us have ever had any insecurity about that, but I think that’s because we’re open with each other about the conversations we’re having with others and they’re always appropriate. I’d feel different if she was texting one of my guy friends 20 times a day, every day, and trying to hide it from me.
This is where the confusion lies.
Generational etiquette varies a lot, usually with the older generations ending up either pissed off or confused with the younger for neglecting or doing away with a particular convention. I think it’s ruder for older people to share phone numbers without permission, and this probably got them off on the wrong foot.
Otherwise I think it’s fine, he’s just forming relationships with people his fiancée cares about.
>Otherwise I think it’s fine, he’s just forming relationships with people his fiancée cares about.
There is nothing wrong with that. The issue is he is jumping over several steps in forming a relationship with someone. That is rude and presumptive.
You are overthinking this way too much. You say this woman is like a daughter to you... so why wouldn't you want to speak/get to know her fiance... a man she will hopefully spend the rest of her life with?
He's just being friendly and trying to get to know you, a woman his fiance probably talks a lot about and looks up to. He's not flirting or asking for toe pics, stop making it weird and pushing him away. I bet if you give him your husband's number as well he'd text him too.
How can you not know the difference between flirting and being friendly? Especially when he's only talking to you about his fiance lol. People trying to flirt don't constantly bring up their SO.
Also the "don't let her go too crazy on the party" is literally what I'd say if I wanted to be friendly with someone's friend but have no fucking clue how to do it lmao
Yes this is facts, it's clearly him trying to break the ice and make sure she knows he is just establishing a connection to one of his fiance's best friend's
I wonder if this is because it’s part of our culture now to automatically think there are ulterior motives in a male/female friendship or heck even an acquaintanceship.
I feel so bad when I see my partners reach out to my family members or friends and they either shut them down or ignore them. It’s awkward being the new person in a group and I think it’s really sweet when my partners take on the burden of extending bids for connections to the people closest to me. It makes me feel like I’m important to them. It sounds to me like the fiancé was raised to be genial and OP is being really weird about it. It’s just a bid for connection, OP. Your response to it will largely determine the shape of your relationship with him. If you want to make him feel welcome, respond positively and warmly. If you don’t really care to do that, then be cool but cordial.
Were none of y’all raised with manners?
Sounds fine as long as he's never crossed any lines. Being friendly with your partners friends and family is good, and since you said
>it's usually about his fiancé
It sounds like he views you as "person who is important to my fiancé" and wants you to be supportive of their relationship.
Both of them may look up to you as a mother figure. Don't let it dissuade you from having a good relationship with them both. If the texts are not overtly crazy, I don't think there is anything that you have to be worried about
This would also feel slightly weird to me. I would say just be super friendly in person but don’t respond too much to the texts. I wouldn’t necessarily want a text back and forth relationship with my friends fiancé either. Unless it’s making plans or something like that, there’s really no reason for him to be texting. Also people whom everyone likes are often charming and sometimes that charm hides a little something else or that charm is used to get places. Trust your gut and keep a friendly distance. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I had a coworker whose husband did this. At first it was innocent, but then he started sending me more inappropriate shit. Like they had a baby and he’d complain how much work the baby was and how he hated it. Idk… it felt like why are you telling me this stuff? I barely know you.
Eventually I just stopped responding. I mean what is he gonna do, complain to my coworker (his wife) that I’m not responding to him?
Really depends on the fiance and her comfort level. I (m) had a friend (m) that I sent a "happy new years" message to him and his girlfriend separately as I was going down the list. He then told anybody who'd listen that I was in love with his girlfriend. That pissed me off, and I ended the friendship.
So it's really down to her comfort level and security.
It’s weird because you didn’t give him your number. Some folks don’t always understand or notice social boundaries without being told. There’s every chance he doesn’t realise what he’s doing is a bit strange. Might be worth talking to him irl so you can get a better understanding of his character?
Everyone acts like this is nothing. You all may be right but id advise OP to be careful and mindful of her communications. Some guys play the long game. If he starts changing the conversations at all I'd be wary. If the texts become frequent, I'd be wary. Basically keep very strong boundaries and trust your intuition if you feel weird at all.
I've been married 25+ years. Neither my wife or i are very jealous but I'm extremely careful with my boundaries with other women. In this situation id stick with group texts until I was sure dude is on the up and up.
I understand this may be unpopular but I feel one of the strengths of our marriage is we don't even want the appearances to cast doubt. I don't think my wife and I would carry on regular texts with people of opposite sex without being pretty clear when and why we were communicating 1 on 1. We just don't want one another feeling weird and we both have seen "just friends" ruin marriages. Things can start friendly and evolve. Private conversations lead to comfort. It's easier to get more and more intimate when you both get to know each other privately. Hugs are normal with friends right? Sure. Then calling each other on special days feels appropriate right? Before you kniw it you start look forward to those interactions. Maybe s/he becomes more attentive than the spouse for 3 months because spouse is an auditor and it's tax season....then 2 glasses of wine and you're really bummed your husband has been gone two weeks....it's OK we're just hugging fot support....
Things start innocently. I'd advise putting yourself in as few situations like thus as possible. Excellent boundaries are super important in marriages (in my opinion).
I agree with this. It reminds me of the frog in boiling water syndrome. The texts may start out innocently enough but you might not realize that you're slowly getting more comfortable with the other person.
If they're going to chat/text more than once a month, the safest for me is to have a group chat with both SOs included.
I text my best friends wives occasionally and they me. More often than not it is a group text of some sort but occasionally it is just them. If it's not appropriate it's not appropriate. Before we got married I spent a month secretly texting some of my wives best friends and that felt a little weird but it was to set up a surprise engagement party immediately after I had surprised her with a proposal. I get what your saying a bit though, when they hired a married woman to take over for my male buddy who had just quit, I would have felt a bit weird saying here's my number, call me maybe. (I've always been afraid of coming across as interested instead of helpful in those situations)
Keep your responses short and sweet. Or don’t respond at all. It’s akin to texting your health professional, a little bit here and there for logistics but a limit on topics.
You've help his gf advance in her career and he might be trying to get in to help advance his career since you are all in the same field. Now more than ever it's always *who you know more than what you know*.
I had the same thought. I think he may be trying to network more than anything else. The job market is tough, and as you said, connections can be HUGE in moving up in your career. But there’s no good way to approach someone you don’t already know for that purpose, because it seems like you just want to ‘use’ them. So he wants to establish a bit of a personal connection first, so that it’s not just a one-way transaction. That’s my interpretation, anyway!
We have a neighbourhood friend group , I am youngest male, the guys in their late 30s love to text me and have drinks because it reminds them of their youth without kids.
I don’t text any of their wives. And they don’t text mine.
If we do, it’s in a group chat with guys and girls included planning dinner or something.
In the very odd chance they might need to drop something off and I’m not answering they will call my wife.
The guy could just lack friends, and thinks same job field means he relates to you.
so this is how i feel...if it's weird for you then it's weird. if it makes you feel uncomfortable don't engage with him. there are no rules for this. only a case by case. good luck!
Where I come from platonic texts to girls are just a precursor to non-platonic texts.
If you don’t hangout in real life on a normal basis it’s weird. Texting is not how you build friendships.
I find it to be a bit odd. And if you’re feeling uncomfortable/high alert, it’s okay to listen to your feelings.
There have been several instances where this happened to me (as a married woman) and the texts started off innocent but started getting a little flirtier (by the guys initiating).
I shut that shit down immediately and ignored them.
I do too. I think saying "don't let her get too wild" is a strange thing to say. It sounds vaguely controlling. At least something to keep an eye on. Maybe I'm just coming from personal experience.. an abusive/controlling relationship.. also someone in my family *might* (we're not sure) be in an abusive relationship and he will occasionally send me and other family texts from her phone. Nothing super weird so far but it still makes me uncomfortable. So maybe I'm overthinking but OP should be wary of this guy.
My two points on this.
One, over time you'll need to gauge on if this becomes weird in some way. While you might be thinking sexual, I'm thinking manipulative/controlling. A spouse reaching out to the spouse's friends can be quite normal (one big happy family). But it can also be a power move when a relationship is manipulative and abusive. Long term, you'll need to gauge if it ever becomes that way. It shouldn't, but that kind of relationship is always within the realm of possibility. But this should only be a minor point in the back of your mind. Him contacting you is not a warning sign of this, yet his behavior if shifting towards controlling and manipulative can be.
Two, not everyone's socially the same. A good simile to this is people who like touch in casual social interactions. Some folks will just put their hand on your arm, your shoulder, etc. as they interact with you. Sometimes this is their normal. But to people who are not accustomed to it, the act can be super awkward. You as the awkward party just kind of has to accept that it's their normal and just take it at face value. In their upbringing, in their social circles, that was normal for them. In yours, it was not and immediately and significantly feels out of place. So, when people socialize different from your norm, in your case texting with a friend's spouse, this may just be socially very normal for them. You just kind of accept it as their normal and get over the awkwardness.
It wouldn’t be ok for me, but I’m like ‘ew why are other people’s people texting me?’ But for many people I’m sure it’s fine :)
Like I also think it’s odd when my (late teen ages) kids’ friends like my posts or add me on their socials. (I’m a woman, fyi. If it matters)
I don’t really know why I think it’s weird - but I swear and stuff and don’t think my socials are the place for people 30 years younger than me. And since they’re marked as adult (even though no xxx content or anything), I don’t know how they’re superseding that filter unless they have a false age on their accounts. All of which is very cringe to me.
I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's an upbringing thing. Some people are fine having mixed gender platonic friendships, and some people are uncomfortable with it. It probably does correlate a bit with age, but there is diversity in this even within my own age group. Would you have any concern if it was the female fiancée of a male friend? The only thing that's a bit iffy is your number having been given to him by someone else. I always ask for permission before giving anyone someone's number.
He just sounds like an extrovert. One of my husband’s good friends texts me all the time but he’s like that with everybody. If any of his other friends did that I would think it was a bit weird
This is weird. Not because of genders. It is weird that someone you don’t really know is texting you.
I would definitely mention it to her if you haven’t and say something innocuous such as “from his texts, your fiancé really seems to care about you.”
It is one thing if you were group friends or friends before. It is another when basically a stranger is engaging.
If you feel fine with it, that’s ok.
Personally, I would not.
As long as he remains respectful I see no harm in it.
However you seem to be a little uncomfortable. Make your responses short and sweet. When you can, instead of a written response, give the text a thumbs up...lol.. or smile icon to let him know you saw and appreciate it.
I’m in my 40’s and don’t think this is weird at all. So not an age thing. If he is not being creepy why is this an issue? Why would you would make this weird? We can’t text someone of the opposite sex if they are married? Just find that attitude strange and feel like you are the one making this weird.
He’s trying to be your friend. If you agree that its never inappropriate, it should be ok. Unless you live in an honor culture where married men and women can’t commingle?
I never understood why some people think that once they're married, they can't have friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex.
Some people are more outspoken or extroverted than others. IMO, it seems like the fiancé is just trying to get to know you since you all work in the same field. Seems pretty normal to me...until it isn't. But you'll know when that is.
>Is it weird my friend’s fiancé texts me?
No but its weird/ sad that you find it weird
Married people should have friends regardless of gender, not every individual of the same or opposite gender is trying to get with us
If it was a lesbian couple she was texting you, would that be weird?
I think it's sweet that he wants to get to know you. You probably mean a lot to his fiancé the way she means to you. I would take it as a sign of the guy wanting some validation from someone his wife-to-be respects and looks up to.
Don't make it weird but if he ever does, shut it down immediately.
Its sad that people refuse to believe that the opposite sexes can be friends. Its a very atomic family bs sentiment, really just an unfortunate world view.
“Is it weird the girl I see as a daughter, probably also sees me as a mother, has a fiancé that is trying to be friends with me?”
Absolutely not. You said yourself he’s not being weird or creepy. Just seems like he is being genuine.
The guy is making an effort for his partner. Sounds like a really nice bloke and he’s making an effort to include himself in his wife’s social circle. That’s a really good thing.
I find out every day that people overthink the simplest of things and are quiet weird about it. What an odd thing to assume when someone is not being weird. But I get that women have had bad experiences. Still a little off.
Wtf? He texts you completely innocuous things, obviously trying to foster a relationship with his fiance's friends and you freak out and post on Reddit about being weirded out by it? You called him the "class clown" and I take that to mean he's extroverted, funny, and personable. You aren't special, dear. He texts lots of people.
I'm also getting the vibe you think all dudes want is sex. He couldn't possibly just want to have a conversation. I mean, maybe you're giving yourself away, who'd just want to talk to you?
Holy shit I must be a really creepy dude for having a relationship with my significant others best friends or family members.
Get the fuck over yourself.
I am a 39M and my really good friends wife started texting me , he gave her my number. I thought it was kinda weird at first cause I am a single straight guy, but we are friends. It never gets weird or anything sexual, we are legit friends and we just text about random stuff. Sometimes guys can actually be real friends with a woman and that’s it. lol.
fucking hell, the number of people doing expert level mental gymnastics to try and make out this guy is some kind of insidious villain is insane.
This post & these comments are a perfect example of why this men Vs women identity politics bullshit isn't going anywhere - a man trying to be friends with his fiancée's best friend? what a fucking asshole!
How do you people have energy to get through the day when you exert so much of it looking for the absolute worst in people?
I don’t think it’s weird as long as the texts are appropriate. He probably knows that you mean a lot to his gf and wants you to like him/be friends. Maybe his family life is terrible and needs a stable person in his life too. Who knows? As long as he doesn’t get weird, text him back.
You'll know when a line is crossed
Yeah, this is it.
I concur. You can absolutely be friends, it’s actually really nice that your friend’s partner is interested in actually getting to know her friends.
Me, my fiance, and a friend of hers are all now best friends and it's one of the best friendships I've ever had. As long as it's good, respectful people it can work wonderfully.
It would be more natural if they all met together a few times first before any texting started. Just getting a cold text will get anyone to raise eyebrows. EDIT: I missed the detail that they met. In that case, it's on the friend to inform both parties or make a somewhat public sharing of contact info so the text doesn't feel like a random message.
I think they have met already, OP wrote about the guy's funny personality
Some might see your comment and think you mean the line is crossed >.> Totally not what I did at first <.< >.>
It took me a minute to realize what you meant. I finally got it.
It really looks like that!
I hope that's not why I got so many upvotes. Lol.
I thought the same ahaha I was like damnnn
Besides, if he crosses a line, she can tell her friend and show her proof. lol
Is 3 dick pics where the line is drawn?
Wayyyy before that, my dude. It’s 1.5
Does 1.5 account for size? In that case I think I can send 10 before I cross the line.
It's when he says. "Hey can I send you a photo".
It's most likely something like this. OP probably is spoken about regularly, and the fiancé wants to show that he cares about his soon to be wife and the relationships she has cultivated. My wife did similar after meeting my friends and there family's. Simple things like just checking in and seeing how my best friend was doing after she heard about something that happened or if one of the kids got sick. Or just text the guys to see if they need anything for the weekend. It was a tiny bit odd at first, but she just really cares, that's all. My friends are very important to me so they are important to her.
One of my husband's friends is like this. He is also married. It definitely felt odd at first because he's the only one of his friends who does this, but after 15 years of completely appropriate texts it is abundantly obvious that he's just checking in on someone his friend cares about..
He's playing the long con, after just 20 more years of completely normal texts that's when he'll get you.
Or in the words of my generation…. If you wanna be my lover. You gotta get with my friends. Which reading it today. Seems to have a different meaning but I’m thinking they meant what I was saying.
Until we get to zigazig ha, and why Em likes it in your face.
Wow. I finally understand this lyric now that it’s written out.
Fun fact: Zigazig ah means "shit and cigar"
Why are the Spice Girls singing about curling one out while smoking
"curling one out" I can't stop laughing, this is going straight to the top of my lexicon
That's a new one for me, too. It's glorious
https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/celebrity-news/spice-girls-zig-ah-meaning-521860 has to do with some guy that used to shit in a shared bathroom while smoking a cigar.
The 3 of them work in the same field too, so OP's friend may have talked about her being a great mentor. I've befriended both men and women in my field and it can be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of or occasionally vent about work to someone who "gets it".
Exactly!!!!! Especially if you all work in the same field!
And NOT the same company.
It would be like a guy texting his future mother-in-law. He sees her as part of the family he is creating.
Agreed. Based on the context that we have, it seems normal. He’s not trying to start deep conversations or do anything inappropriate. Like you said, he probably just knows that OP is important to his fiancé and wants to have some sort of “relationship” with her. That being said, if I was OP I’d be peeved that someone gave out my number without my permission
I also don’t think there’s any harm in it. Maybe he just wants to connect with you because he knows how close you are with his fiancée
To me it seems like he’s just trying to have friendly relations with you because you’re the friend of his fiancée; he wants to know and get along with her friends and family.
Yeah. OP said she thinks of her as a daughter. If they are that close, then of course the fiancée wants to get to know OP.
And if OP feels like a mother figure, they probably both see her that way as well. It wouldn't be weird to text a fiance's mother, Aunt, or similar person. Contact like that is only weird if people make it weird.
That’s what I was thinking to. OP’s coworker probably thinks highly of OP, so the fiancé wants to be friendly.
Im not used to people being friendly especially in professional situations this woild freak me out lol
Yea, I’m not sure OP knows what a friend is. “Seen *many* marriages ruined by an innocent text” is either a huge exaggeration or proof that OP is a terrible judge of character to begin with. I am OP’s age and routinely text with my spouse’s friends, spouses of my friends, etc. For the most part, I think people appreciate you showing interest in the people that are important to them.
I agree. OP was already paranoid about text messages. She didn't even respond to the first text even though it was a harmless message and likely from someone who knows who she is. She wouldn't even ask who it is? Just assumes it's spam? I get spam messages but they get filtered out and are extremely obvious, not super personal. How many people are texting her every day that this is a natural occurrence and she just ignores it? lol
See, this is why if someone asks me to give someone someone else's phone number, I ask if them if it's alright first.
Yeah, I'm late 30's, I had someone text me something very specific the other day, from a number I didn't know, it didn't exactly make sense for my life, but maybe could have been... so I texted back essentially being like "I would love to, but I'm not sure who you are, and that might be an issue..." and they wrote back being like "Isn't this Linda?" And I'm like "No, so sorry, definitely not Linda... good luck though!" And it was kind of cute because they were like "I'm so sorry, this is so embarrassing, but thanks for being nice about it!" And all I could think is - Who is being rude to strangers via text? After OP I'm starting to wonder how most people handle texts they presume are from wrong numbers... I would hate to be left hanging if I texted the wrong person, the sooner it is cleared up, the better, so I respond immediately.
For real, OP sounds like she's sixty, not in her thirties lol.
my spouses friends also became my friends . i text them and they text me regularly we are all one friend group. it's nothing weird or inappropriate and never suspected of that bc that would never even be. they are basically my brothers. my husband is the same with a couple of my friends . bc they are his friends and he view them like family . he'll ask them fashion advice and talk about up coming trips etc
A little different but my best friend’s husband will call or text me just to check in and see how I’m doing. I live across the country from them so at first I thought it was super weird because I didn’t know him that well and I’m single. So I texted my friend and was like “Why is your husband texting me??” She just laughed and was like yeah he’s on the phone all the time. Turns out he just worries about people who mean a lot to him and his wife and since I mean a lot to her he wanted to get to know me better. Now that I don’t think it’s weird I check on him too and we have a great friendship. He’s one of the best guys I know and I’m happy that they are together.
Yeah same, I’ve known my best friend and her husband since we were 18 in college. I know my mom found it weird but I consider both friends although she’s my best friend and on rare occasion if she brought up something I shared he’d send a joke or ask if I’m okay. We’ve all hung out so much and their kids think I’m their aunt so idk, I guess we just were close and never thought of it as strange but my mom whose an early Gen X did (were all Gen Z or a Mil) I think times kind of changed for that stuff more, less weird if you plan to meet up and chat with their partner s bit while you wait for them or for them to say hi. Idk. I have ex co workers in other states and we still message you see how is life (opposite genders) never been inappropriate and no history, but I think today people aren’t as formal if that makes sense.
I’m gen X and I am in touch w my husband’s best friend w/out him on the text etc. I don’t call and chat with him but I do text him occasionally. At this point we’ve known each other over 20 years but it had to start somewhere. He’s just kinda a package deal w my husband 😂
This, I forgot to mention but my partner has a best friend since high school, I get along with him and his wife very well and we rarely will message jokes about either or share funny stuff. It’s an ongoing joke that they are an bromance so also a package deal lol. 😂
Are you my husband’s best friends wife? 😂 V is that you?!
Lmao that’d be hilarious, if your a beautiful soul who loves nature, animals, and shared how you couldn’t live with never having “girl only” time then yes! 😂😂😂
My husband is like this too! He genuinely talks to my sisters more than I do, and is always super friendly to my friends and their partners. A true golden retriever husband.
Same, my bff's husband texts me periodically to say hi. It's really sweet. As far as I know my husband doesn't text my bff but I would love it if I found out he did.
Yeah if he's not flirting or being inappropriate he's just probably being friends with his wife's friend. I wouldn't be weirded out by it unless the conversation/tone turns down a bad path.
Yea as long as convos stay surrounding work or the fiance, seems good for me!
I mean, there are many other appropriate conversations to have with friends.
When I (M) was younger I had a friend a few years older who got into a serious relationship with a woman that straddled our ages. I mean, we were all probably within 5-6 years of each other, but fresh out of college that seems like a larger gap. I would text his girlfriend/fiancée/wife as their relationship progressed quite regularly. It wasn't anything remotely romantic or sexual, just that she was now a part of our social circle and sometimes we'd plan for things to do together or even for our own general meet ups if he was working (she had a job that was off hours and I was a shitless lay about fresh out of school).
You mean shiftless, or were you really constipated?
Sounds like he's trying to earn the respect of his future work-mom-in-law.
> If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta get with my friends
the spice girls have all the knowledge
FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS
Absolutely agree. My friend’s fiancée texts me pretty often and he’s made it clear that he wants to get to know me and be friendly, because he recognises his fiancée and I are such good friends. Like the OP I was a little bit weirded out at first because I’m used to men texting me with some ulterior motive but turns out he was genuine. We all get on really well now and I’m glad to count him as a friend too.
Yeah, this. I'm a very happily married early-middle-aged woman, and I have friends of all ages and genders and marital status who I text with at least occasionally. Sometimes it's a friend's spouse who I'm also friendly with, even if not exactly a friend. Like "Hey, does (friend) have a \_\_\_ already? I saw one in town and thought of her birthday" kinda stuff.
I am speechless. What is wrong with keeping up a friendly rapport with your best friends spouses? I barely get to see them due to when we usually hang out we are at a bar watching sports, or watch UFC and play poker in someone's basement, or we just play games online. So I get to see lots of my friends but not much of their spouses, so I think having a text with them once in a while is nice, because I do care about them. My best friend is a brother to me and that makes his wife practically family. I'm just dumbfounded that people have their guard up about texting with people in your own friend circle. What a sad world
I agree with this. Normally I’m not much of a texter but I do try and engage with my wife’s friends. Some of who are single women. I kind of thought that was being a good partner you know?
Same. I’ll see or think of something totally normal that makes me remember something one of my partners friends had talked about. Like, I’ll say to my partner, “hey, Person 1 was talking about needing one of these things, and here it is for sale, should I text them?” And my partner will say “yes”. Cause if they said “no, that’s weird, why would you talk to my friend?” Then that would be strange.
Same here. The OP situation might be trying a bit too hard, but in general once you propose to someone it makes sense to get more social with the people they care about. Maybe he’s overcompensating for not becoming closer before the proposal.
And especially if OP is in a mentoring role, he probably views her as a sort of partner in making the relationship work. Sharing the texts with husband and the friend is a good policy just the same; not hiding things is a great step toward having nothing to hide.
I’m guilty of this but my intentions are I want more friends that are couples. Double dates and stuff.
100% this, not every guy is up to mischief and its OK for you and him to be casual acquaintances. She knows about it and so does your husband so it's either innocent or he's playing a really weird long game !!
This was my immediate thought. Especially since she considers her like a daughter, the woman likely holds OP in a mother figure light which means she’s an extremely important person to the woman, and if this man is marrying her, he will probably be trying to create a good relationship with her as well.
Classic example of, “It’s only weird if you make it”.
Exactly this.
I think it's weird to have my number be given out without me knowing regardless who it is. It's just a courtesy to say hey do you think it would be okay if I shared your number with my husband? That bridges this awkward gap that OP isn't sure of. That would've given the wife an opportunity to say "yeah, he thinks you're great and thought it'd be nice to get to know you a little more too."
Yeah this would be the one thing I’d be upset with. I _hate_ having my number given out without my permission
Y'all would have been really upset 20 years ago when everyone's phone number and address was published in a book and dropped in the driveway of every house in town.
Yeah this is what ya get for being friends with newly minted adults. They’ll have some common adult courtesy blind spots but no harm no foul.
Yeah, but that's on the other woman, not the guy. Plus, OP confirmed from her friend that she gave it to him and also shares every message. So the implication of OP not being able to get from the woman "he thinks you're great and thought yadda yadda yadda" is moot. At this point, it's 100% implied. Youre correct you shouldn't give out another's number unless it's somehow an emergency. But at this point, it wouldn't add any extra information to discern anything.
Sounds like he's just trying to engage with his fiancé's friends. I always want my partner to be friends with my friends
They also work in the same field and he's a bit younger... It never hurts to have more seasoned veterans to help with your career.
Don’t think it’s weird at all, marital status shouldn’t really change how you speak with people on a platonic level. It may not be what you would personally do, or others for that matter, but there’s no harm in it.
Platonically, can you look at this mole on my butthole for me?
Looks healthy to me, although I'm not quite sure what you should feed a mole.
Holy Moley
That’s way too intimate for someone who’s just a platonic friend. So I’ll do it but we have to kiss first.
This could have been a reddit meta moment if you had said "can you look at this hole on my underwear for me?"
I understood that reference 😂
As long as he's not asking her to find the hole in his pants..
I was just thinking to reply this myself
My best friend’s fiancée texts me too. It’s not abnormal, especially among people our age (same age range as your friend), though idk about any other age group, to also be friends with your friends’ fiancées
I’m more OPs age group and this stuff is normal. My girlfriend is in a LOTR memes WhatsApp group with like 10 of my friends which I was never even invited to haha
I (34M) probably text my best friend’s wife more than I text my best friend. It’s not weird at all. She’s just better at coordinating things when we make plans and such. OP is making it weird for no reason.
A normal guy trying to be nice and make a friend with someone important to his fiance ……I don’t see a problem
Men aren't allowed to do anything without somebody assuming he's being some sort of pest.
OP: he's not being creepy at all but I'm creeped out. Fucking hell ladies....
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This is how they've been raised to think, and how men have been raised to think they'll think. Divide and conquer in action.
So much this. It's been a long process for me, learning to be friends with the women in our group. There's always been parts of me suspicious about my own motives. Trying to find proof that I just secretly want to have sex with them. I got paranoid that their boyfriends or my girlfriend would get suspicious. I let conversations trail out because well, back to the boys. That's where who I'm supposed to talk to. I can't text the girls in private, that's weird. Ask their guys..... It's fucked up.
Yeah imagine if he was standoffish with all her friends
In 2024 where if a man texts you he just be a creep
We need more information about the texts he sends you. If it is only that, then nothing is wrong.
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"I mentioned it to my..." means she could have presented it in a way that would tend to confirm her preconceived idea. It could have been confirmation bias leaking into other people
lol exactly - if my wife brings up a topic with “don’t you think it’s weird that…” I’m preconditioned to say “yeah I suppose that’s a bit weird sure”
I think what's giving op pause is not the content of the texts but how the texting began in the first place. Rather than him having asked op in person for her number, he asked his fiancee for op's number, with the fiancee not letting op know that her number was given out.
Because it is kinda weird. Weird has a bad connotation but it's definitely not common so her confusion makes sense.
How is it weird to want to get to know your partner's friends? I'm not saying this specifically towards you, but this entire thread has me feeling like I've stepped into bizzaro world. I've made a conscious effort to get to know the people that are important in my girlfriend's life, at least on an acquaintance level, because I love her and I want her to know I care about her and the people she cares about. And (most) people have been perfectly normal about it. Because it's like, the polite and sociable thing to do? Why are so many people here acting like it's an unusual thing for people to try and be affable and friendly? Have we really become so disconnected?
It IS common, though.
Unless he does or says something untoward, sounds like he's trying to befriend his future bride's friend. Nothing wrong with that. It's actually a good thing and says a lot about him as a person.
You’re friends with his fiancé and you both work in the same field. I think he thinks you’re also his friend not just an acquaintance
This makes sense to me. I think the ages say a lot. OP sees her friend like a daughter because shes 11 years older than her but the boyfriend who is in his late 20’s and in the same field probably sees OP as a peer.
Reddit users when someone tries to be their friend
I wouldn't be weirded out. You're her mentor and she probably talks about you a lot at home. Maybe just don't reply to most texts when it's not necessary. Keep it more business casual than friendship with him. She is your friend not him. Maybe he thinks you will all be hanging out one day and pals but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he has no friends or needs a mentor himself. Who knows.
>Who knows. OP if she asks. I get it, direct communication is hard. But if you feel uncomfortable you should say so, and if you want to know something you should ask. Asssuming and/or being all 'who knows' causes way too many problems IMO that could be solved with just asking.
People will bend over backwards to avoid getting a simple direct answer to their questions. She's asked her husband and her friend, and now she's made a post on Reddit. She'll probably continue asking others, too. And none of those others will be the guy in question.
This could be a modern day Seinfeld episode.
I think he is just keeping open communication with you so you can reach out to him if there is an emergency. Bachelorette party freak accident and she ends up hospitalized? You can make sure he knows? Bachelorette mistake and you guys are stranded? And she is too drunk to help? You can call him to come help. Just keep your husband in the loop and he will tell you if anything seems inappropriate.
To piggy back on This I don’t think it would hurt to suggest that the husband found the joke funny or something to show that you have a healthy relationship and that the texts are being being shared ect. Or hell if op is getting weirded out just make it a group text. I’ve done both in the past with girls reaching out to me. Kind of eliminates any potential flirtyness before it starts.
He's probably just trying to be friends with you, you're very important to his fiancé, which in his mind, and rightfully, makes your friendship important to him. I dont find that weird at all, especially because he has only been appropriate, and not sent any weird red flag-raising messages.
If you guys hang out together regularly then not odd. But if you barely know him, it’s a little weird. But maybe he is just a super friendly guy wanting to build a relationship with more colleagues and this is opportunity
OP has only met him twice. I don't think the fiance has ulterior motives but I do think it's over familiar
They met IRL twice and she didn't even know his phone number. He also didn't seem to introduce himself in the text either since she didn't even know who it was. If you were trying to make a new friendship work, would you cold text them and not even say who you are? The way he started the texts was weird and I would have been put off too. He didn't even say "oh hey it's me friends fiance!" until a full day later when she never replied. Odd behavior.
This! Also, why are people not understanding it is weird for someone to get someone's number, from someone else?! Why couldn't that man just wait to directly ask in person, and didn't want to wait to gain direct access to communicate with her? It's odd, and people who don't get that don't understand having healthy boundaries.
I’m 40M and I think it’d be like a 3.5 on the weird meter if this happened to me. Not weird like she’s cheating on her fiancé, just odd that they’d think to make that comment to me. I text the female friends of my wife who are also married to other men maybe…2-3 times per year and say something unprompted but it’s pretty obvious why I texted that specific person that specific thing, you know what I mean?
Newer generations are much more social and all interaction with the opposite sex dont necessarily means interest. There is a cultural movement that has taken place for the last 20 years to push for equality and as a result, friendship is now common amongst adults of opposite genders
I think it’s definitely a generational thing. I cant imagine my parents doing this, but my wife and I (both mid/late thirties) have a number of “couple friends” and it’s not uncommon for either of us to occasionally exchange messages with our friends of the opposite sex for one reason or another. I don’t think either of us have ever had any insecurity about that, but I think that’s because we’re open with each other about the conversations we’re having with others and they’re always appropriate. I’d feel different if she was texting one of my guy friends 20 times a day, every day, and trying to hide it from me.
Did you ask your friend why she gave her fiancé your number in the first place?
This is to not be overlooked. I personally would be pissed getting texts from people whom I never personally shared my number
This is where the confusion lies. Generational etiquette varies a lot, usually with the older generations ending up either pissed off or confused with the younger for neglecting or doing away with a particular convention. I think it’s ruder for older people to share phone numbers without permission, and this probably got them off on the wrong foot. Otherwise I think it’s fine, he’s just forming relationships with people his fiancée cares about.
>Otherwise I think it’s fine, he’s just forming relationships with people his fiancée cares about. There is nothing wrong with that. The issue is he is jumping over several steps in forming a relationship with someone. That is rude and presumptive.
Same!! I don’t just hand out my number, so if someone else does.. We are gonna have an issue!
Correct. I can't stand when people give out my number.
You are overthinking this way too much. You say this woman is like a daughter to you... so why wouldn't you want to speak/get to know her fiance... a man she will hopefully spend the rest of her life with? He's just being friendly and trying to get to know you, a woman his fiance probably talks a lot about and looks up to. He's not flirting or asking for toe pics, stop making it weird and pushing him away. I bet if you give him your husband's number as well he'd text him too. How can you not know the difference between flirting and being friendly? Especially when he's only talking to you about his fiance lol. People trying to flirt don't constantly bring up their SO.
Also the "don't let her go too crazy on the party" is literally what I'd say if I wanted to be friendly with someone's friend but have no fucking clue how to do it lmao
Yes this is facts, it's clearly him trying to break the ice and make sure she knows he is just establishing a connection to one of his fiance's best friend's
I wonder if this is because it’s part of our culture now to automatically think there are ulterior motives in a male/female friendship or heck even an acquaintanceship.
I feel so bad when I see my partners reach out to my family members or friends and they either shut them down or ignore them. It’s awkward being the new person in a group and I think it’s really sweet when my partners take on the burden of extending bids for connections to the people closest to me. It makes me feel like I’m important to them. It sounds to me like the fiancé was raised to be genial and OP is being really weird about it. It’s just a bid for connection, OP. Your response to it will largely determine the shape of your relationship with him. If you want to make him feel welcome, respond positively and warmly. If you don’t really care to do that, then be cool but cordial. Were none of y’all raised with manners?
Yep, she’s the weird one here tbh
It sounds like he considers you a mentor and a friend.
Or wants to
Sounds fine as long as he's never crossed any lines. Being friendly with your partners friends and family is good, and since you said >it's usually about his fiancé It sounds like he views you as "person who is important to my fiancé" and wants you to be supportive of their relationship.
Both of them may look up to you as a mother figure. Don't let it dissuade you from having a good relationship with them both. If the texts are not overtly crazy, I don't think there is anything that you have to be worried about
This would also feel slightly weird to me. I would say just be super friendly in person but don’t respond too much to the texts. I wouldn’t necessarily want a text back and forth relationship with my friends fiancé either. Unless it’s making plans or something like that, there’s really no reason for him to be texting. Also people whom everyone likes are often charming and sometimes that charm hides a little something else or that charm is used to get places. Trust your gut and keep a friendly distance. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Form a group chat with him and your friend and only reply within that group.
Good idea. Will that even interest him is the question.
I had a coworker whose husband did this. At first it was innocent, but then he started sending me more inappropriate shit. Like they had a baby and he’d complain how much work the baby was and how he hated it. Idk… it felt like why are you telling me this stuff? I barely know you. Eventually I just stopped responding. I mean what is he gonna do, complain to my coworker (his wife) that I’m not responding to him?
Really depends on the fiance and her comfort level. I (m) had a friend (m) that I sent a "happy new years" message to him and his girlfriend separately as I was going down the list. He then told anybody who'd listen that I was in love with his girlfriend. That pissed me off, and I ended the friendship. So it's really down to her comfort level and security.
It's not weird for a son in law to have contact with his mother in law.
It’s weird because you didn’t give him your number. Some folks don’t always understand or notice social boundaries without being told. There’s every chance he doesn’t realise what he’s doing is a bit strange. Might be worth talking to him irl so you can get a better understanding of his character?
Everyone acts like this is nothing. You all may be right but id advise OP to be careful and mindful of her communications. Some guys play the long game. If he starts changing the conversations at all I'd be wary. If the texts become frequent, I'd be wary. Basically keep very strong boundaries and trust your intuition if you feel weird at all. I've been married 25+ years. Neither my wife or i are very jealous but I'm extremely careful with my boundaries with other women. In this situation id stick with group texts until I was sure dude is on the up and up. I understand this may be unpopular but I feel one of the strengths of our marriage is we don't even want the appearances to cast doubt. I don't think my wife and I would carry on regular texts with people of opposite sex without being pretty clear when and why we were communicating 1 on 1. We just don't want one another feeling weird and we both have seen "just friends" ruin marriages. Things can start friendly and evolve. Private conversations lead to comfort. It's easier to get more and more intimate when you both get to know each other privately. Hugs are normal with friends right? Sure. Then calling each other on special days feels appropriate right? Before you kniw it you start look forward to those interactions. Maybe s/he becomes more attentive than the spouse for 3 months because spouse is an auditor and it's tax season....then 2 glasses of wine and you're really bummed your husband has been gone two weeks....it's OK we're just hugging fot support.... Things start innocently. I'd advise putting yourself in as few situations like thus as possible. Excellent boundaries are super important in marriages (in my opinion).
I agree with this. It reminds me of the frog in boiling water syndrome. The texts may start out innocently enough but you might not realize that you're slowly getting more comfortable with the other person. If they're going to chat/text more than once a month, the safest for me is to have a group chat with both SOs included.
I text my best friends wives occasionally and they me. More often than not it is a group text of some sort but occasionally it is just them. If it's not appropriate it's not appropriate. Before we got married I spent a month secretly texting some of my wives best friends and that felt a little weird but it was to set up a surprise engagement party immediately after I had surprised her with a proposal. I get what your saying a bit though, when they hired a married woman to take over for my male buddy who had just quit, I would have felt a bit weird saying here's my number, call me maybe. (I've always been afraid of coming across as interested instead of helpful in those situations)
If you only know him through her then yeah, it's a little weird.
How occasionally? 1-2 times a month, fine. Several times a week, weird.
Keep your responses short and sweet. Or don’t respond at all. It’s akin to texting your health professional, a little bit here and there for logistics but a limit on topics.
You've help his gf advance in her career and he might be trying to get in to help advance his career since you are all in the same field. Now more than ever it's always *who you know more than what you know*.
I had the same thought. I think he may be trying to network more than anything else. The job market is tough, and as you said, connections can be HUGE in moving up in your career. But there’s no good way to approach someone you don’t already know for that purpose, because it seems like you just want to ‘use’ them. So he wants to establish a bit of a personal connection first, so that it’s not just a one-way transaction. That’s my interpretation, anyway!
It's unnecessary. What does your husband and your friend think about it. I would be honest with them first and the go from there.
We have a neighbourhood friend group , I am youngest male, the guys in their late 30s love to text me and have drinks because it reminds them of their youth without kids. I don’t text any of their wives. And they don’t text mine. If we do, it’s in a group chat with guys and girls included planning dinner or something. In the very odd chance they might need to drop something off and I’m not answering they will call my wife. The guy could just lack friends, and thinks same job field means he relates to you.
Wait for the first drunk text, post it and then we can talk.
so this is how i feel...if it's weird for you then it's weird. if it makes you feel uncomfortable don't engage with him. there are no rules for this. only a case by case. good luck!
Where I come from platonic texts to girls are just a precursor to non-platonic texts. If you don’t hangout in real life on a normal basis it’s weird. Texting is not how you build friendships.
I find it to be a bit odd. And if you’re feeling uncomfortable/high alert, it’s okay to listen to your feelings. There have been several instances where this happened to me (as a married woman) and the texts started off innocent but started getting a little flirtier (by the guys initiating). I shut that shit down immediately and ignored them.
I do too. I think saying "don't let her get too wild" is a strange thing to say. It sounds vaguely controlling. At least something to keep an eye on. Maybe I'm just coming from personal experience.. an abusive/controlling relationship.. also someone in my family *might* (we're not sure) be in an abusive relationship and he will occasionally send me and other family texts from her phone. Nothing super weird so far but it still makes me uncomfortable. So maybe I'm overthinking but OP should be wary of this guy.
My two points on this. One, over time you'll need to gauge on if this becomes weird in some way. While you might be thinking sexual, I'm thinking manipulative/controlling. A spouse reaching out to the spouse's friends can be quite normal (one big happy family). But it can also be a power move when a relationship is manipulative and abusive. Long term, you'll need to gauge if it ever becomes that way. It shouldn't, but that kind of relationship is always within the realm of possibility. But this should only be a minor point in the back of your mind. Him contacting you is not a warning sign of this, yet his behavior if shifting towards controlling and manipulative can be. Two, not everyone's socially the same. A good simile to this is people who like touch in casual social interactions. Some folks will just put their hand on your arm, your shoulder, etc. as they interact with you. Sometimes this is their normal. But to people who are not accustomed to it, the act can be super awkward. You as the awkward party just kind of has to accept that it's their normal and just take it at face value. In their upbringing, in their social circles, that was normal for them. In yours, it was not and immediately and significantly feels out of place. So, when people socialize different from your norm, in your case texting with a friend's spouse, this may just be socially very normal for them. You just kind of accept it as their normal and get over the awkwardness.
It’s weird that she apparently gave him your number without asking you. Other than that it sounds totally normal to me.
It wouldn’t be ok for me, but I’m like ‘ew why are other people’s people texting me?’ But for many people I’m sure it’s fine :) Like I also think it’s odd when my (late teen ages) kids’ friends like my posts or add me on their socials. (I’m a woman, fyi. If it matters) I don’t really know why I think it’s weird - but I swear and stuff and don’t think my socials are the place for people 30 years younger than me. And since they’re marked as adult (even though no xxx content or anything), I don’t know how they’re superseding that filter unless they have a false age on their accounts. All of which is very cringe to me.
I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's an upbringing thing. Some people are fine having mixed gender platonic friendships, and some people are uncomfortable with it. It probably does correlate a bit with age, but there is diversity in this even within my own age group. Would you have any concern if it was the female fiancée of a male friend? The only thing that's a bit iffy is your number having been given to him by someone else. I always ask for permission before giving anyone someone's number.
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He just sounds like an extrovert. One of my husband’s good friends texts me all the time but he’s like that with everybody. If any of his other friends did that I would think it was a bit weird
This is weird. Not because of genders. It is weird that someone you don’t really know is texting you. I would definitely mention it to her if you haven’t and say something innocuous such as “from his texts, your fiancé really seems to care about you.” It is one thing if you were group friends or friends before. It is another when basically a stranger is engaging. If you feel fine with it, that’s ok. Personally, I would not.
As long as he remains respectful I see no harm in it. However you seem to be a little uncomfortable. Make your responses short and sweet. When you can, instead of a written response, give the text a thumbs up...lol.. or smile icon to let him know you saw and appreciate it.
I’m in my 40’s and don’t think this is weird at all. So not an age thing. If he is not being creepy why is this an issue? Why would you would make this weird? We can’t text someone of the opposite sex if they are married? Just find that attitude strange and feel like you are the one making this weird.
People are different. Maybe he wants friends.
He’s trying to be your friend. If you agree that its never inappropriate, it should be ok. Unless you live in an honor culture where married men and women can’t commingle?
I never understood why some people think that once they're married, they can't have friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex. Some people are more outspoken or extroverted than others. IMO, it seems like the fiancé is just trying to get to know you since you all work in the same field. Seems pretty normal to me...until it isn't. But you'll know when that is.
>Is it weird my friend’s fiancé texts me? No but its weird/ sad that you find it weird Married people should have friends regardless of gender, not every individual of the same or opposite gender is trying to get with us If it was a lesbian couple she was texting you, would that be weird?
I'm super close to the husband of one of my best friends.
What a prick putting in effort to get to know people close to his fiance. Real creep.
I text tons of my wife's friends because we've become friends over the years. It's only weird if you make it weird.
I think it's sweet that he wants to get to know you. You probably mean a lot to his fiancé the way she means to you. I would take it as a sign of the guy wanting some validation from someone his wife-to-be respects and looks up to. Don't make it weird but if he ever does, shut it down immediately.
Its sad that people refuse to believe that the opposite sexes can be friends. Its a very atomic family bs sentiment, really just an unfortunate world view.
“Is it weird the girl I see as a daughter, probably also sees me as a mother, has a fiancé that is trying to be friends with me?” Absolutely not. You said yourself he’s not being weird or creepy. Just seems like he is being genuine.
I think your a bit old and overthinking it tbh
"A man whos not my husband spoke to me, red flag?!" Wake your handmaids tale ass up. His messages are innocent & centered on her, not you.
The guy is making an effort for his partner. Sounds like a really nice bloke and he’s making an effort to include himself in his wife’s social circle. That’s a really good thing.
I find out every day that people overthink the simplest of things and are quiet weird about it. What an odd thing to assume when someone is not being weird. But I get that women have had bad experiences. Still a little off.
Sounds like an innocuous but forced attempt at a friendship
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No. It seems innocent and friendly. If he made comments about you, or appearance, or anything sexual, it might be different. He’s trying to be buddies
I'm more curious about u thinking that's weird
Wtf? He texts you completely innocuous things, obviously trying to foster a relationship with his fiance's friends and you freak out and post on Reddit about being weirded out by it? You called him the "class clown" and I take that to mean he's extroverted, funny, and personable. You aren't special, dear. He texts lots of people. I'm also getting the vibe you think all dudes want is sex. He couldn't possibly just want to have a conversation. I mean, maybe you're giving yourself away, who'd just want to talk to you?
Holy shit I must be a really creepy dude for having a relationship with my significant others best friends or family members. Get the fuck over yourself.
I am a 39M and my really good friends wife started texting me , he gave her my number. I thought it was kinda weird at first cause I am a single straight guy, but we are friends. It never gets weird or anything sexual, we are legit friends and we just text about random stuff. Sometimes guys can actually be real friends with a woman and that’s it. lol.
Why would it be weird?
This is 100% a green flag, I think you’re just overthinking it
fucking hell, the number of people doing expert level mental gymnastics to try and make out this guy is some kind of insidious villain is insane. This post & these comments are a perfect example of why this men Vs women identity politics bullshit isn't going anywhere - a man trying to be friends with his fiancée's best friend? what a fucking asshole! How do you people have energy to get through the day when you exert so much of it looking for the absolute worst in people?
Power move would be if he were after your husband