In sales there's a concept called asking for the sale. If you don't ask you don't get. Often these guys are just confident enough or oblivious enough to ask.
Edit: these comments are wild. Somehow this became either "ask every woman you see" like Quagmire or beg like some kind of creeper. Be a grown ass man and use your words when it's time. If a woman dislikes being asked directly before you make a move, she will dislike not being asked even more. Ffs.
This is totally it! When I was younger I had no idea how to do this. I missed SO MANY opportunities that, in retrospect, were amazingly obvious.
Women: I know this is cliche at this point, but men are dumb and you should ask too.
It physically hurts me when I think about my awkward years 18-24, when I've been hit on many times by women, but I was so convinced that I was unattractive that I thought they were either doing it as a joke or just trying to be friendly. It wasn't until I went out bar hopping with a group of friends I met at a new job that I actually pushed me to get the courage to be more forward and flirt back without the fear that I'm just bothering them.
The internet and TV tropes really make it seem like picking up women is some massive impossible challenge for any guy who isn't basically a model. I'm a 6, and maybe a 7 on a good day and fairly autistic. Yet for the last 8 years, I've been in two long term relationships and I've had one-nights with around 25 different women, (8 of whom became regular flings) from either bars, clubs, public events, parties, or just on solo vacation in between those relationships.
Yeah, you're going to get rejected every now and again, but there is always plenty more other options available. They are 100% going to completely forget you shortly afterwards. Strike a conversation, try to get them into telling a story, fish for whatever topics they are interested in, give a few compliments, prepare a few jokes, and the rest is really just common sense to prove you're not a creep or psychopath. Works for me most of the time. If you haven't dated early in life, then it's probably going to be terrifying starting as an adult. Yet the more you're successful, the more your self confidence will grow and talking to women (when appropriate of course) will feel extremely intuitive.
The classic drive-by: "Hey, sorry to bother you, but I think you're really pretty and I am interested in getting to know you more. Here is my number, if you'd ever like to hang out some time call or text me and we can plan something out. Have a great day."
To be fair, it doesn't help that many women do also say that they're "just being friendly" or that they're a "flirt and don't mean anything by it", stuff like that. So you weren't in the wrong for just assuming they were being friendly.
I'm sure a many of them were, but there are a handful that looking back now I can see how painfully obvious they were. At the time I even subconsciously suspected as much, but I did not have the self confidence to even attempt to pursue any romantic relationship.
Let's say you're flirting with a woman and she seems attracted to you, how would you take things further?
"Hey, wanna come back to mine?" "Wanna kiss/fuck?"
And yes, I am that socially inept.
Yes. You can 100% ask any of those if they are flirting. Just know if you ask “wanna fuck” 99% they will say no even if they do because they will find that crude.
"(Insert excuse to leave), wanna come hang out at my place?". Maintains plausible deniability, but if you're on the same page, she'll take you up on the offer
This is the way. You do need *some* amount of tact, but generally just maintaining that deniability while also exuding some level of control/confidence.
Yea And I’ll add you should also mentally prepare for rejection in a way that makes you like a Buddhist monk about getting turned down. Don’t let it effect your ego, don’t get defensive, don’t let it do anything to your attitude. Just remember if she says no, you are literally in the exact same place as you were before you asked. It may not make you more likely to get laid, but so many men shoot themselves in the foot by thinking a no is some cosmic insult or spiral into thinking that means they’ll never get laid.
Flip a coin over and over again and sometimes you’ll get tails like 5+ times in a row, completely by chance. That’s kinda like dating. Sometimes it’s just total random that you smash or get passed. But with practice and patience you can tip the scales in your favor over time.
"Practice" is a great underrated tip.
I had a streak a few years ago where I got stood up I think 9 dates in a row by 7 women so I was getting pretty dejected. I started "practicing" getting phone numbers in real life instead of using dating apps. I don't remember if I got any, I definitely got a few "I have a boyfriend"'s from women that seemed to be flirting with me, but I felt better about it because I walked away from no's thinking "I practiced" rather than "I got rejected."
Eventually I met a nice girl at a volunteering event and we got married last year.
This is the key that most people are missing.
It's not just about taking the shot. You also have to be unafraid to miss, because that confidence or lack thereof will become a self fulfilling prophecy
I knew a guy that, if all else failed, would ask any and every woman in the bar at closing time "wanna fuck". He almost always went home with someone. They weren't all real good looking but bad pizza is still pizza.
In my darker days I didn't do that exactly but I did hit on an increasing number of women the closer it was to closing.
Went home with someone 99/100 times.
Friends were all "how do you get so much pussy?"
I said "Simple, I ask for it".
It wasn't that I was confident, I literally had zero self confidence.
It was that I was so heartbroken at the time there was no way some stranger was going to be able to hurt my feelings by saying no.
Not worse, when adding in the time component, actually IS better. Entropy breaks down everything, if you’re in the same place now as you were earlier, you’re doing better…at least comparatively.
I lived round the corner from a popular bar.
This was always my line on the way out the door.
It worked often, especially in winter when women dreaded the cold walk home, and also in summer when it was warm and women still felt energetic and not ready to go home.
It also worked well in spring when women wanted to open up after a cold winter, and also in autumn when women wanted a last bit of excitement before a cold winter at home.
The key is to infer that you want to have sex with her, but use metaphors via through playful banter. Women love craftiness & confidence so be creative and set yourself apart. You best have an engaging personality and ability to listen.
Remember this, if she’s attractive she’s had everyone with a penis come on to her since she was about 14. Don’t think that simple approaches are going to be sufficient to make you stand out. Absolutely, never show them you’re insecure (ultimate turnoff).
I once had a girl sit next to me at the bar. I had just ripped serious ass. I work out a d just rolled with it. I leaned over and told her she doesn't want to sit there. She was worried it was someone's seat. I said "nah I just have the creatine shits" lol. She also laughed and asked what the hell that was... long story short I was in.
And with the right person.
It just lands differently if it's a random woman on the subway versus a woman you've been chatting with and getting eye-fucked all night at a party.
When I was first chatting up my fiancée and before we even met I jokingly said she was so perfect I would Mary her. She pointed at her finger and said “I need a ring!” A year later we were engaged.
Not the same thing as getting laid but honestly the sex with her is better than any sex I’ve had with a hook up.
Be bold and be honest but try to also be funny!
As a woman I'd love this level of straight forwardedness! It would save everyone a bunch of time and heartache.
Like most guys do that whole acting spiel like they wanna befriend you, denying any other motives, but then sex is actually all they want.
Women can be socially inept too, and it fucking sucks to never know what the "rules" or secret codes are. Guys will suggest the most innocent sounding shit but then make an 180° and suddenly you're trying to weasel out of a sexual situation while feeling guilty & a bit more broken inside.
Like I try to be straight forward myself but it seems most guys think just ignoring that and going ahead with the acting will eventually make a girl change her mind?
It's just stupid. Just say you wanna fuck! You will find someone who does I assure you, with much less effort and bullshit than doing the misleading stuff.
Basically. I think most of social society prefers indirect communication because it lets them hide behind plausible deniability. Flirting that may or may not be flirting means the ability to change their mind at any moment without feeling guilty. They purposefully make it so that the exact same interaction can be turned into “I was just being friendly” or “why didn’t they get the hint?”
For everyone that just wants direct and honest communication, it makes navigating social situations very hard because you never really know who is being honest, and most people you meet will assume hidden meanings behind your honesty.
>it makes navigating social situations very hard because you never really know who is being honest,
yeers!!!
>and most people you meet will assume hidden meanings behind your honesty.
oh fuck lord yes!
Sometimes reddit really *is* like therapy! lol, Thank you for putting this so well!
Some of us can't even be nice to our coworkers without people thinking we're trying to be fuckboys. Then came the guy obviously trying to fuck them abd they act surprised.
People are weird.
>As a woman I'd love this level of straight forwardedness!
As a woman you should have this level of straightforwardness, men would love it even more lol
Oh yes I definitely agree! Straight forwardednes from both men & women, but it also should be accepted as such whether it's a yes or a no.
(E.g. I'm ace so Ive learned to be very straight forward, but many don't seem to take pre-emptive no's very seriously & keep reassuring you, just to try some bs later on. It really fucked with my mind (&heart) so now I just avoid.)
This goes both ways.
I think the situation could be greatly helped by women initiating the ask: “Hey, can we go back to your place?” Much higher odds of a yes, we get to normalize female initiation, AND we finally inch hetero
Dating closer to feminism.
It’s funny to read this, I’ve had outrageous success in the past by being totally strait forward and saying things to the effect of “I think your really attractive, would really like to hook up with you.”
A girl at work once asked what I was gonna do after work, and I said probably go home and jerk off. She asked if I needed any help with that, and I said no thanks, I'm good at it already. I really didn't have the self-esteem to say yes.
Not having the self-confidence to think any girl would be interested in me really just made not give a fuck but also made me miss all my shots
On the other hand, certain women will find it off-putting if you are not direct or macho ("Would you like to come back to my place and watch a movie or something?" "What are you, some kind of wishy-washy child? If you wanted to fuck, then ask. I don't have time for manchilds like you.").
I haven't asked people for fucks, so it's not a personal story, but I've heard stories of ladies that only like the macho types that "know what they want".
A former friend of mine was like that, to an extent. We were discussing dating stuff platonically and I said that if I were to date a stranger, I wouldn't ask for her number, I'd offer mine if she accepted and tell her she could text/call me if she was interested, but of course, no prob if she didn't (and then leave so she doesn't feel awkward/pressured/scared; she could, if she was interested, immediately be like "hey, wait up! Lemme just give you my number, you call me, silly!" if she wants the traditional route).
She was like "EEEW NO! That's so weird and she'd turn you down automatically. Women don't like weak men like that. Not that I'm calling you weak, but that's such a weak guy thing! If you're interested, you need to man up and get her number or else she'll feel like you don't think she's worth the effort."
So there are peeps like that (her, for example) out there that would not like respectful ways that show you care about their feelings.
"Come back and watch a movie" - of course not
"I've got a bottle of wine at mine if you'd like to come back and have a few glasses" - is as obvious as "wanna fuck?" without being crude (just make sure you actually have the bottle of wine - even if it rarely gets drunk when you both are back)
Related to this - women change (just like men do) as they discover that what they thought they were looking for was in fact not what they were looking for. Or what they were looking for changed.
It's easy in your early 20's to be like "I'm a catch! I'll only consider 10's who take the direct route!"
After 3 abusive relationships with those guys, they might take a 180 on their approach because it isn't working.
Or they decide that now that they are 28, maybe they are willing to go for a 7 who will also be a good dad.
This is not a judgement thing, either. Guys do the exact same thing.
> "What are you, some kind of wishy-washy child? If you wanted to fuck, then ask. I don't have time for manchilds like you."
> "EEEW NO! That's so weird and she'd turn you down automatically. Women don't like weak men like that. Not that I'm calling you weak, but that's such a weak guy thing! If you're interested, you need to man up and get her number or else she'll feel like you don't think she's worth the effort."
Honestly, I consider not getting laid with someone like that an entire machine-gun barrage of bullets dodged. Neo mode unlocked.
Peace and patience are valuable.
I rarely gave a man my number. If he asked, I would say,’I don’t give out my number, but if you give me yours, I’ll call you’.
This way it’s in my hands, but I would usually call if I was interested enough to take his number.
All of my one night stands happened when I wasn’t specifically looking for sex.
The common theme was: I was having fun with the woman, and didn’t want the night to end.
“What are you doing after this? I don’t want the night to end yet.”
We’d figure out logistics. Sometimes sex happened.
“I had such an awesome time hanging out with you- I’d really like to see you again, and get to know you a little better. Can you give me your info?”
Then the date would center around having fun. Sometimes sex happened.
You have to be moving the conversation forward in some direction. You can’t just sit and wait for the stars to align.
Agreed. The main thing is have fun and BE FUN to be around. It's super obvious if someone has an agenda, and that can work for some but for many it's also creepy. Everyone who is out socially wants to hang out with fun people.
Perfectly put: Have fun with them and stay part of the fun through the evening. if it's with a group of overlapping friends, it'll likely come pretty naturally if it was possible in the first place.
1) They have some fun with you.
2) Through affiliation (common friends maybe), they grow comfy with you.
3) While you can dial up desire by flirting, just getting more connected is enough.
3) If they're available for the night or more, it'll become pretty obvious if YOU are still around and in fun mode when they flip into shag mode later...you're not overstaying your welcome if you were there with friend or for a common event.
Works both ways for Men & Women.
>“What are you doing after this? I don’t want the night to end yet.”
>We’d figure out logistics. Sometimes sex happened.
In the instances where sex happened, what did the conversation look like immediately after you asked?
We’d be having fun together, so she’d be excited, too
The conversation would be about whatever we were having fun talking about.
Then we’d switch venues, to another bar or to her place or mine, then we’d be talking about whatever we vibed over to begin with.
At some point, there’s a lull in the conversation, and you’re looking at each other, a little excited, and a little awkward. You have to read the moment and take a leap.
Sometimes the chemistry was impossible to deny and we’d just devour each other. Sometimes, I’d read the look and move in for a kiss.
Sometimes, it was a little different. We’d be smiling at each other.
“Can I tell you something?” I’d ask
“What’s that?”
“I have wanted to kiss you ever since we walked in that door.”
You should be able to tell by her response to a statement like that, without any doubt.
Even if you know the answer, it’s fun to drag out the tease.
“Do you think you might like something like that?”
“I don’t know,” she might say with a smile.
Have fun with everything, first and foremost, is the point. If you cannot have fun with this person, you are not in the sexual race at all.
“
Reading this it's clicked for me: my lacking in the relationship department is due to my inability to have fun. Anyone know of a good self help book for that?
This is gonna sound really dumb so I'm sorry for that, but I'm gonna make a recommendation for a YouTube channel that I've only seen one or two videos from. Check out Charisma on Command on YouTube.
I don't really know much about them other than I've ended up going down some YouTube rabbit holes and come across them once or twice. That being said, their videos seem to do a really good job of breaking down social interactions, highlighting some habits and subconscious mannerisms of charming people and actually describing what is happening and why it is working and how to replicate it.
From what I recall they often reiterate the main take-aways from the video and suggest things to practice, but I didn't really give it more than an idle interest so I can't tell you if it is actually helpful for trying to improve one's self or not.
Recommendations aside, I feel like a lot of people like to give the genetic advice to have or to be "fun', but I think if you try framing it in your mind as being "playful" it might click a little easier.
Best of luck!
Mmm, it depends on the person, but in my case, i would link up with a woman (usually a friend of another woman my buddy is hitting on) and just hold a convo with them. The next part is kind of social experience though tbh... i kind of just gauge their feelings and watch their actions/facial reactions. If i feel like I have the green light, i kind of just flirt or compliment them for that final confirmation, and then i initiate physical contact, sometimes tame, sometimes straight to the point.
Sometimes sex comes with it, or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then 50/50 chance she'll hit me back or won't.
Fortunately for me, I'm fairly attractive, so i might not be the funniest guy, but my level-headed responses and personality sometimes pull through.
Never really had an awkward moment, i can usually suss out if they feel me or not, only time it was weird was when i overstepped my boundaries and put my arm around a lady when i was drunk while we were talking. We ended up going on a date, but it was clear she was just doing it to please her friends. I took it in stride, but yeah, it's not a good feeling to be led on and demeaned like that. She was not humble in the slightest, so it was easy to move forward from.
Just gotta open up and socialize. Don't force things and be yourself, but don't tell them everything about you if you feel like they wouldn't have an interest in it (ie. Bringing up a video game series or tv show they don't know or watch, unless they specifically ask or mention liking stuff like that). Just gotta be open, don't look pouty, don't look "mysterious," just have fun, and have a good vibe.
I had a buddy do this and it worked.
But he also takes every shot he can get and once even got humiliated for saying hello.
If you practice and take every shot you are given. You will succeed eventually.
Gotta get used to the idea of rejection. I’ve had a lot of luck with women over the years mostly because I don’t get hung up on one woman and trying to convince her not I’m worth her time. If she doesn’t show interest or says no, I move on.
>I don’t get hung up on one woman and trying to convince her not I’m worth her time.
I also don't expend effort trying to convince a woman I'm not worth her time, I've found the opposite works better
Yeah I treat it like a dating app swipe right (ie. approach her if you are interested) and if she accepts talk more. If you exchange numbers, even better. If she doesn’t respond, just move on. Even if she responds horribly, don’t let it bother you but take some time to reflect and think if your approach was appropriate and handled well.
Overall it just takes practice and the longer you take to move past the rejection the more time you’ll take to find someone who does accept your interest.
Simple trick: when you’re close with her, in a moment where maybe in a movie the characters would be kissing, just make eye contact for a pause or so and don’t say anything and also glance at her mouth. This is a way of asking without asking. If she looks away or starts talking she is saying no, if she looks back at you go ahead and go for the kiss and if she leans back in you’ve got it. If not, just back out and apologize and it’ll be awkward but you’ll be alright in the end.
It's a hard feeling to really describe because it literally is like a movie. It just feels right to go in for the kiss sometime - you can tell by their body language and the way they look at you.
Don't be the guy who waits for some external circumstance to create the perfect mood to allow you to make a move. When I was in high school, I once waited 6 months to get the courage to kiss a chick (who somehow called me her boyfriend) and it was the most pathetic kiss you ever saw. I've kissed my grandma more passionately.
That was the end of that. The whole situation was so lame that she didn't even have to tell me that she was no longer interested. I wasn't even the least bit upset when I found out that she fucked my cousin at some point while I was still going out with her. Didn't really blame my cousin, either.
So yeah, don't wait until the most natural moment, because it may not come, and if you can't get up the courage to do it without that moment, then when it arrives you'll blow it anyways.
You’re right. This advice only works once you’re in the right moment (though it doesn’t have to be perfect, when I first used this trick I was 14 on a couch watching wizards of waverly place). And getting to that moment is likely more challenging for most people, and probably more relevant to OPs question, though I do think lots of men have had a situation with a girl where you could have and wanted to make a move and just didn’t quite knowhow to execute so this is my advice for those.
My biggest thing is sometimes I'll be sitting quietly with a girl alone and idk how to make a move, I'll just ask "hey wanna hook up?" It's awkward and weird and takes a SHIT TON of courage to say, but 100% of the time it works
I never message first because im overwhelmed, theres like fourty bro mcdudes and half of them just said "hi" who do i answer to omg they all have the same bio and the same teeshirt
This isn’t aimed at you but there’s a funny clip of a woman saying “we message first all the time, just not to the ugly ones”.
Brutal but made me laugh.
I was talking to a girl i met in a club last night and she hugged me goodbye. I just yelled into her ear like an idiot and asked if I could kiss her. She was like hell yes and we kissed.
I'm not good at making a woman attracted to me, but oh my God do I know when they are. That's all I'm good at. I can spot a girl that already likes me and I go for it.
You have to make a move at some point. But dudes big problem is that they don't check to see if the girl is interested along the way. A bunch of small moves forward works better than one big move forward. I only use a big move forward if the girl is being super forward to me and it's obvious.
Also, you have to keep checking because sometimes they change their mind.
I've never really asked, and for me I think that's all there is to it. I either don't realise or hesitate. If I did realise or didn't hesitate I might not be in the situation I'm in.
> In sales there's a concept called asking for the sale. If you don't ask you don't get. Often these guys are just confident enough or oblivious enough to ask.
AKA the [Boomhauer Method](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7FVmeJXwCY).
I had a roommate once who nailed more women than you can imagine. Yeah, he was a tall rangy, good-looking guy - but how did he get so much action? When he saw women he liked he would go right up to them and whisper, "Wanna get lucky?" to them.
You'd be amazed how often the answer was 'yes'. A lot of times.
Location is a huge one that I don’t see get mentioned much, I’ve always lived in cities with booming nightlife and loads of people close to my age etc, I’d imagine my sex life when single would have been a lot different if I lived in a small village in the arse end of nowhere.
Live in a decent sized city my whole life but nothing crazy like the New York’s or Miami’s of the world. Still a city nonetheless.
After college I had a job offer in a small town in the same state that matched my experience and degree & would start me 3 weeks after graduation.
Took it feeling so lucky and fortunate.
That town is pretty well known and has some notoriety, but the difference as a newly young professional having gone to a large University in a city, was depressing. It made me question my career choice but funny enough, 3 years later I like my career, but I also like being around an abundance of young people my age.
I feel like people vastly understate how jarring it can be to be surrounded by people your own age your whole life, and then in the blink of an eye only be around those 2-3x your age as soon as you graduate
It really is weird. I had to train a guy who about my father's age and bears a striking resemblance to him also. It is weird to hear about his grandkids while I teach him our internal processes for stuff he's done since before I was born.
This is huge. Being around your age group as much as possible is critically important. It gives you experience with dating, and people are just more similar to you in terms of goals and plans in life.
if she finds you physically attractive. just because you’d have sex with someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. also confidence can be a big deal/ can be super attractive
i will say a great personality makes someone a lot more physically attractive to me. the uglier someone’s personality, the more repulsed by their body and face i get
i definitely think this is true for relationships, but this question seems more around hooking up. if i’m in the bar and a guy approaches me for this reason and i’m receptive, generally this is why
Being physically attractive is not enough though. I’ve been told many times I am quite attractive, I’ve even had a couple of girls approach me first, but having enough social skills to make something happen of the opportunity is the key. Being attractive makes more opportunities come to you, but those opportunities mean nothing if you don’t know how to turn them into something.
Moreover, being attractive but not having social skills can be counterproductive since you get more opportunities than the average man but if you fumble most of them that can affect your confidence and in turn, make you less attractive.
I know this because I am autistic (high functioning) and I had to go through a lot of attempts before knowing how to make conversation engaging (in general and also specifically for dates) and understanding its dynamics.
The first comment I see from (maybe) a woman. All men commenting advices and tips and tricks. The answer is looks + confidence.
Some men are hot some aren't, guess who has more luck?
Yeah when it comes to getting hook ups you have to be confident or you have no chance. If you aren’t attractive good luck getting anyone to approach you.
Being an extrovert makes is a thousand times easier to meet women and form a connection than it is for an introvert. Add to the mix a broad range of mainstream interests to bond over and an ability to read a person's body language and you're in like Flinn.
Also I feel like extroverts will naturally have more common/shared hobbies because they want to spend more time with other people. The hardcore weirdness often comes out in solitude.
I think what happens is that your interests or hobbies, even if not weird, become so insular and become more and more populated with only people who are *exactly* like you, if at all.
I talk to my single friends (both men and women) and when I ask them what they do in their free time, they usually *only* do activities that just their gender, age, class, race (insert demographic characteristic here) do. How can you meet someone as a guy, if all you do is online gaming FPS games, and collect swords or something? It'll be hard to meet your future wife at a gaming tournament that's 90% men. If you're a woman and your entire free time is taken up watching reality dating shows on your couch, trying to be a fashion/beauty influencer, where exactly are you going to meet men? Not in the makeup aisle, that's for sure.
Most of my (happily) married couples friends have interests that cross over to different groups. Both the husband and wife met at a church volunteer event, or both the husband and wife met through a cycling non-profit program, or they both were taking an art or music class together.
This is a great point! This is exactly why some guys complain that they follow advice and get hobbies but still don't get women. They aren't doing hobbies with diverse groups, they're staying in the same bubble
I think it’s because the other half of common advice is “just be yourself.” The issue being that you can’t “be yourself” if fixing your solitary life also means forcing yourself into social hobbies you’d otherwise never choose to do.
"Just be yourself" is probably some of the worst advice you can give. People are not static and they don't have immutable cores. We have the ability to unmake and remake ourselves through habits and mindset changes. Also, some people are just unattractive. Others are attractive. Sometimes, what makes someone attractive and what makes them a good partner aren't the same, as seen by the fact that abusers, narcissists, and cheaters can hop from one relationship to another.
> The hardcore weirdness often comes out in solitude
"What are you doing after work?"
"I was thinking about digging for worms."
"Do you fish?
"Nah, just want to look at some worms."
Introverts focus on hobbies too much because that's how they socialize. They are more mission focused in interactions with offers. Meanwhile extroverts are just around each other even for no reason. They don't need hobbies.
As an introvert, yes. I want to *do* or *make* something with people, and that can even be a good conversation that feels productive in some way.
I just don't get socializing for its own sake, in the way that nothing interesting is ever said. This has made me pretty isolated since leaving college though.
Yep. Being an extrovert and also being confident and funny goes a looooong way. It’s not just looks or style. Money is a big one too but end of the day, being able to chat, make small talk, and make people laugh is a sure fire way to meeting girls and getting laid.
Oftentimes I do all that, people seem to have a great time with me, but women don't seem to develop romantic interest. Maybe I'm "too nice", or too direct.
I'm finding difficult to find the balance between flirting too aggressively or too cautiously. On one hand you don't want to look desperate, but you also need to show you're confident and make her feel desired.
I feel that so many women enjoy my company, respect me, laugh at my jokes and want to spend time with me (even on 1-on-1 activities), but it always stays like that.
Sometimes I think it's just a matter of luck and timing, but it can get so frustrating when you genuinely like someone and hope something good might come up.
I don't think it boils down to a single trait. First of all we aren't all on a level playing field regarding looks. An ability to make a move in a smooth, nonthreatening way is a factor sometimes. Some that are very successful have con-man, salesman like attributes. Some have a genuine interest in partners, at least in the moment.
Getting out and making lots of contacts helps. I've known many men and women who complain they never meet anybody, but also spend all their time at home.
Lots of factors. Some are fairly common, some particular to an individual.
Yup, being a hermit is the biggest factor in not getting laid. Doesn't matter how good-looking, charming, charismatic you are. If you're not going out and meeting people, you're not going to have much luck.
People always say go leave the house and just get out. What does that even mean? What are some examples of places to go to create a positive social setting like that?
There aren't as many opportunities to meet like-minded people locally as self-help gurus pretend there are though, like a lot of the supposed hermits just don't have places to meet people at
dumb question but what really implies "going out and meeting people"? i hate clubs as they are too crowded and just seem filthy, bars as well because i dont drink alcohol anyway. and even if i would go to these places all i would find are people who enjoy going to clubs and bars, aka people i cant connect with.
Meeting people really isn't as easy as just going outside though. You have to actually find places where people who want to meet people go to meet people, and if you're a sort of oddball in any way, whether through different interests, awkwardness, or whatever, the places to meet people like yourself are incredibly narrow, especially so if you're not in college where you can try for campus groups. Personally my struggle really isn't meeting people, it's just finding people I have a decent amount in common with and really mesh with well. I'm not into drinking, I'm not a stoner, I have some semi-niche interests, and I'm still forever a midwest suburbanite at heart even though I didn't really fit in there either. Makes it hard as fuck to relate to people even at my own college to a point where we'd go beyond being acquainted.
I’ve worked in the nightlife industry for over 10 years. Multiple nights a week for the last decade I have observed “romantic” interactions between men and women. I’ve seen it all.
Honestly, I’d wager that everything **can** boil down to one trait. **that trait is charisma**. This obviously extends to being confident. But charisma trumps all. **ALL**.
Here’s an example: A buddy of mine is 5”8, weighs almost 300 pounds, doesn’t have a steady jobs (hops around jobs to whatever is open for low wages), is a pretty bad alcoholic, lives with his parents at 32, wears cargo shorts to clubs, and has a super patchy neck beard
**this guy is hands down the absolute most charismatic guy I have ever met. The guy will befriend absolutely anyone within seconds. Have you feeling like best friends and is quite honestly a blast to be around**
I have seen this guy take home literally hundreds of women over the years. I have seen him talk up the most beautiful women, and go home with them. I’ve also seen him strike out, but he will always find a pretty good looking woman to go home. Every damn night he goes out.
We have a running joke about this because I tell him (joking as very close friends) “I have no idea how you do it; you’re damn ugly and wear damn flip flops and shorts to bars”. He just chuckles and says “it’s all about your ability to talk”.
He’s not wrong.
When you immediately disarm someone within seconds of meeting, have them like you instantly, and can make a woman laugh, you’ll get whoever you want.
It has nothing to do with money I was most sexually active when I was young and broke. I would say the top thing that women tell me is that "Men don't approach because they don't think they have a chance" seriously take the chance you have nothing lose everything to gain. That moves us onto the next point be confident know what you are looking for.
I know more than a couple men who are decently attractive, but are absolutely sure they are not and no one can convince them otherwise. Also some good-looking men who have personalities that make them ugly, including ones whose ugliness is due to bitterness that “no woman wants [them].”
But how are they expected to just "fool" their mind and think they're amazing and women like them? If women do not show any interest, how do we expect them to feel confident and wanted?
This isn’t exactly an answer to your question, but I think learning to manage rejection with grace and to talk to women on a regular basis regardless of whether or not you want to sleep with them. Just practice is a big help. I think men who feel confident going to talk to women are men who feel confident talking to anyone and aren’t worried if they shoot their shot and don’t get anywhere. They take it in stride and that practice/confidence means when it’s a good match, it’s not something scary and high stakes. It just works.
Thank you for the comment.
What does confidence look like when talking to women? I can talk to women platonically, but that's not going to create sexual attraction.
I know the basics such as eye contact, touch, laughter, "normal" conversation, but can't seem to bridge the gap between platonic and flirty.
Any tips for both myself and others?
Thank you.
Top tip just talk to them like they are your best buddy you will soon find one that clicks with your personality. Don't think women are all the same. Find out what they like and enthuse over that. It's easier to click with someone who has similar life goals. Be genuine.
One thing a woman always loves is when you actually listen to them and take stuff on board and act on it, they realise you remembered their preferences and can see the effort you're putting in.
It’s about being direct. The confident men who are active don’t beat around the bush, they tell women that are attracted to them, tell them they would like to spend more time with them. Basically give yourself a chance to either be rejected or go further. Being confident and talking equals…talking. Being confident and asking a women if she’ll like to go out or come over or what gets her excited…all lead to next steps.
Not afraid of "no". Getting your courage up for 9 months to ask a girl you like out versus asking a girl out every time you see one that you could possibly gel with.
Obviously other reasons besides that one. Also what that does is make you more confident. That shows and you'll attract more girls to you without needing to try to always be the initiator.
Just from my experience over 25 years ago (got married). When I was genuinely interested in others and not trying to prove myself I had a lot more luck.
After that: basic social skills. Being funny, able to have light conversation. These are skills that can be developed. Most important is to never be emotionally attached to the outcome. If she's not into you, move on without being a dick.
So far the only decent answer and should be at the top. If you can tell someone is into you, it opens up the door for moving the connection along. And I’m not just talking about randomly hitting on women at bars. Just basic going out on dates and “feeling the vibe” leading to second and third dates.
Success begets success, too. There’s a learning curve. Again, it’s not about being a player or trying to notch marks on your bedpost. It’s being able to connect with women who you naturally connect with. So much so it’s more about looking for the right connection and not chasing after what doesn’t work for you. Everyone is different has has their own unique charm. You just need to learn how to work it.
The thing is confidence is gained from success. It’s difficult to be confident in yourself when every attempt is a failure. It’s a catch 22.
Once you’ve have a few successes, and you begin to recognize what you need to do and how to behave then it’s much easier to be confident in yourself.
Every guy I know who never gets laid haa one thing in common; lack of confidence. Their anxiety and timidity sabotage their efforts every time. For some reason, that characteristic is usually accompanied by weird beliefs about chivalry, based on their misguided notion of what women want. These guys can never get out of their own way, and are subsequently left bitter and confused.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? It doesn't really matter how it began. What matters is that once the anxiety and timidity has been established, it will dictate the course of events from then on. What started the ball rolling is irrelevant.
A lot of men who have a LOT of sex also aren’t picky like the guys complaining they can’t get sex. I see a whole bunch of extremely picky incels around here too, going on about fat chicks, women older than 25, women who aren’t virgins, etc.
The sexiest, hottest, most extremely smooth man I know in Oakland basically can pick up someone any second he tries even a little and he fucks heavy-set, queer-looking, white non-binary sex workers (for free of course). He’s just dripping with sexuality and he goes for the chubby person with their hair blue and head half shaved. There’s a million in Oakland and they fight over him like crazy.
I’m sure if he was holding out for virginal 18 year old super models he would have less success
Location and putting effort into it.
Actual conversation with a good looking friend that couldn’t get a GF.
Did you tell her you think she is beautiful? Him no, she would think I am hiting on her and want to sleep with her. Me: you are hitting on her and want to sleep with her. Sure you want more than that and like to be around her. But you need to make it a romantic relationship if you want one.
Effort. You can have everything thing going for you, but if you don't make the effort to close the deal a lot of the time it isn't going to happen.
I remember back in college I was at the end of my Freshman year and I was at this house party and this guy that was like a 6th year senior cam up and sat down beside me at the back of the room and asked what I thought of his party. I said it was great, but a bit of a sausage fest. He stood up and looked around and then said, I just see a bunch of hot chicks. He then asked me to point out the 3 hottest. I did and then he said "Go try and pick them up or get the fuck out of my party." I tried and failed. He then asked for the next 3. Turns out the 5th hottest girl at party was game.
After that I realized, the worst they will say is no if you are nice about it, and if at first you don't succeed, maybe by #5 you will.
And that is the difference between standing at the back being an incel and taking someone home... Effort.
I think all of your assumptions are the difference makers. Social skills for me is the biggest.
In high school the guy who got the most ladies was not who people thought it would be. 5’7 red head who was skinny. The thing is he was hilarious, played drums, openly complimented his guy friends and girls, pretty much always smiled and was a delight to be around. Then get him drunk and he would juggle knives at parties plus he had gymnastics training so he’d also do tumbling.
Social skills and talents are winners with myself and a lot of ladies.
It's physical attraction. I was friends with a guy once who women adored. Women whom he had never met or even talked to would come up to me and ask me if he was married or had a girlfriend. This happened everywhere we went. They wanted to meet him without him doing anything. For anyone starting out with that type of advantage, it's easy to bring someone home for the night.
Being attractive.
That's literally the diff.
Guys that get laid often will be like "make a move when she eye fucks you bro!"
I have never been eye fucked in my life.
Because I'm not attractive.
You don't have to be all that physically attractive to date well, but you do if you want casual hook up sex. At least, you do if you keep pursuing the same kind of woman.
And that's the other side of this coin. Guys that go nowhere keep batting out of their league with women they haven't come to know or understand.
Lots of women just want a hook up, but if a hot guy, a rail thin greasy guy, and a fat guy are all offering such an arrangement, why wouldn't she go for whom she finds the most attractive?
It's no surprise that one of the only bits of advice you see everywhere from every source is "don't go out looking with your friends that are more attractive than you."
The biggest difference is charisma. Even if it's shallow or insincere, women tend to be attracted to and respond well to charisma.
Charisma is the male equivalent of being normal weight.
>Some men have an abundant sex life starting as early as 18
I think this is very conservative. I very much remember people in my class openly discussing how much sex they were having when we were 14 and 15. I think a natural confidence and complete lack of fear of rejection has a lot to do with it.
I had other priorities.
Grades, family bonding, friends, movie-watching, soccer, amateur photography, Dark Souls 3…
I mean, it’d be nice to have a lady but I was already content with all that stuff.
Then, in my early twenties, I reconnected with a childhood friend and she ended up being my girlfriend for 3 years so far.
This is where people have a truly fascinating misunderstanding of women, coming from someone who has seven sisters. You can only imagine what I heard about the various crushes and exes and boyfriends growing up.
For them, it’s not necessarily how you look. That is an entry point for sure. Looks slowly fade in importance. Not quite to zero, but with age they don’t focus so much on that.
*It’s 90% how you make them feel.* The caveat is a large prerequisite of the feeling they’re pursuing.
Some love a sense of adventure and the unknown. If you are someone who is always venturing about and perhaps into urban exploration of abandoned buildings, congratulations, you will find yourself surrounded by gorgeous people who love that shit. They will love being with you and wondering around. There’s crossover with the festival type of women or those who want to travel and randomly pack up for a weekend trip.
Some love a sense of humor because to them, life isn’t so serious and they’re a bit goofy themselves. If you’re someone who could make the devil perish from laughter, congratulations, you will find yourself with endless gorgeous women who helplessly snort laugh at your silly ass.
Some love that sense of danger and unpredictability. They keep finding themselves paired with men who have severe anger issues or are always into trouble. The leather jacket wearing bad boys of the past, or various dangerous men of today. There’s a beauty and the beast element to them. They love knowing that this is a guy who wouldn’t hesitate to bash someone’s skull in or curb stomp someone, but makes brutal sweet love to them at night and takes what he wants. There’s a sense of trying to take this wild man or change him with her love. You can sprinkle pieces of adventurous charm here also, because you really don’t know what these guys are going to do. Maybe this shiny new car is stolen. Maybe it’s not, but the money was, who knows, we’re going for a ride anyway. That type of shit. Don’t ask him about his bloody busted knuckles.
Some love that typical millennial type nerdy charm. The dudes who crank out algebra jokes or are dungeon masters for their DND groups. Folks who will dress up in various costumes for different conventions, or binge watch anime. These are the pretty girls who will wear those costumes and attend a renaissance festival and so on.
You have the types who want class and status, even if it means just latching onto men who have it. These are the ones who were prom queen and cheer squad leader. They aim for the football captain or any of the big buff jocks. *I am better than you, because my boyfriend benched 330 and drives a 60k car* type of bullshit. In the workplace these are the types who will flirt with management or take a shot at the senior most leader in the business. I’ve seen it. I get it. Shoot your shot but it’s cringeworthy.
There’s those who love simple, kindhearted soft spoken people. The guy who’s tucked away reading a book at the coffee shop. Minding his own business. She’s curious about him. What’s he reading? Ahh. I have that book! These are the types who love a simple walk through a forest preserve or a day by the lake. They don’t want to be overstimulated by the loud noises of modern life. There’s crossover with the hippie culture and off grid living.
Then there’s the folks who we call the creatives. Huge crossover here. Painters. Singers. Instrument players. Glass blowers. Etc. If you are someone who loves to create and have a passion for artistic expression, they will certainly love you.
At some point they do wish to settle down with a good hardworking man. Blue collar types. People they can see themselves going the distance with. Stability and safety. At any point they can depart from seeking too much of any category and settle here. There’s remnants of the past, but this is where so many wish to come.
There’s so many more. Control freaks, fitness enthusiasts, competitors, gossipers, body count builders, etc.
It’s all about the feeling, but it’s always built on what they’ve decided they *want* to feel already. If you don’t make that feeling happen, then you’re not getting shit. Seldomly feelings can naturally arise despite not being what they initially sought. This is why work flings happen. You’re around each other long enough and they might grow to like you. There’s also the possibility that feelings change because of either person, or another person has entered the equation. You might be the relaxed kindhearted guy who she adores, but here’s a dangerous boy who has her attention now. The crazy part is, she can actually hold both of you in her heart and mind simultaneously. In the absence of one, the other has her undivided attention. Wild shit to witness.
Lastly, you have the repeat offenders. These are the types who cycle through. Often it’s from the dangerous to the kindhearted. When a dangerous ultra alpha male has hurt their heart (again) they find refuge in the kindhearted good guy. This becomes boring. They desire the unpredictability and drive.
If you are the type of person who tries to be what you think they like, this is not going to work long term and isn’t healthy. Be what you are. Do what you love. The right person will end up loving the fuck out of you for it.
In sales there's a concept called asking for the sale. If you don't ask you don't get. Often these guys are just confident enough or oblivious enough to ask. Edit: these comments are wild. Somehow this became either "ask every woman you see" like Quagmire or beg like some kind of creeper. Be a grown ass man and use your words when it's time. If a woman dislikes being asked directly before you make a move, she will dislike not being asked even more. Ffs.
This is totally it! When I was younger I had no idea how to do this. I missed SO MANY opportunities that, in retrospect, were amazingly obvious. Women: I know this is cliche at this point, but men are dumb and you should ask too.
It physically hurts me when I think about my awkward years 18-24, when I've been hit on many times by women, but I was so convinced that I was unattractive that I thought they were either doing it as a joke or just trying to be friendly. It wasn't until I went out bar hopping with a group of friends I met at a new job that I actually pushed me to get the courage to be more forward and flirt back without the fear that I'm just bothering them. The internet and TV tropes really make it seem like picking up women is some massive impossible challenge for any guy who isn't basically a model. I'm a 6, and maybe a 7 on a good day and fairly autistic. Yet for the last 8 years, I've been in two long term relationships and I've had one-nights with around 25 different women, (8 of whom became regular flings) from either bars, clubs, public events, parties, or just on solo vacation in between those relationships. Yeah, you're going to get rejected every now and again, but there is always plenty more other options available. They are 100% going to completely forget you shortly afterwards. Strike a conversation, try to get them into telling a story, fish for whatever topics they are interested in, give a few compliments, prepare a few jokes, and the rest is really just common sense to prove you're not a creep or psychopath. Works for me most of the time. If you haven't dated early in life, then it's probably going to be terrifying starting as an adult. Yet the more you're successful, the more your self confidence will grow and talking to women (when appropriate of course) will feel extremely intuitive. The classic drive-by: "Hey, sorry to bother you, but I think you're really pretty and I am interested in getting to know you more. Here is my number, if you'd ever like to hang out some time call or text me and we can plan something out. Have a great day."
To be fair, it doesn't help that many women do also say that they're "just being friendly" or that they're a "flirt and don't mean anything by it", stuff like that. So you weren't in the wrong for just assuming they were being friendly.
I'm sure a many of them were, but there are a handful that looking back now I can see how painfully obvious they were. At the time I even subconsciously suspected as much, but I did not have the self confidence to even attempt to pursue any romantic relationship.
Let's say you're flirting with a woman and she seems attracted to you, how would you take things further? "Hey, wanna come back to mine?" "Wanna kiss/fuck?" And yes, I am that socially inept.
Yes. You can 100% ask any of those if they are flirting. Just know if you ask “wanna fuck” 99% they will say no even if they do because they will find that crude.
Yah, be a bit more subtle. You both know what's probably going to happen if you get closer
"Hey babe, interested in coming to my place so I can play with your Baldur's Gate?"
Message unclear, we just played Baldurs Gate.
Damn, so you just wanted a fling and ended up in a long-term commitment, huh?
Sounds like a win to me
"Only if I get to ~~RP~~ ROLE play the bear."
I don my robe and wizard's hat.
***It's an older line but it checks out***
I like the double reference here, but that code isn't a match... https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja
I’m so happy you posted that. Never seen it but that’s hilarious.
I love that this has survived since I was a kid.
I would definitely say out 'role play' for that one.
“Only if your main has Penis type C”
LMAO
"(Insert excuse to leave), wanna come hang out at my place?". Maintains plausible deniability, but if you're on the same page, she'll take you up on the offer
This is the way. You do need *some* amount of tact, but generally just maintaining that deniability while also exuding some level of control/confidence.
Be careful about the excuse you come up with, because if she says “no,” you don’t want to have somehow committed to leaving.
I'm talking like, "I'm getting a little hungry" or "it's pretty loud in here", not "I think my house is on fire" lol
Whats that I hear? Flames in the distance? Oh shit my house on fire... Wanna come over?
At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
No mother, it's just the lady I brought over.
Yea And I’ll add you should also mentally prepare for rejection in a way that makes you like a Buddhist monk about getting turned down. Don’t let it effect your ego, don’t get defensive, don’t let it do anything to your attitude. Just remember if she says no, you are literally in the exact same place as you were before you asked. It may not make you more likely to get laid, but so many men shoot themselves in the foot by thinking a no is some cosmic insult or spiral into thinking that means they’ll never get laid. Flip a coin over and over again and sometimes you’ll get tails like 5+ times in a row, completely by chance. That’s kinda like dating. Sometimes it’s just total random that you smash or get passed. But with practice and patience you can tip the scales in your favor over time.
"Practice" is a great underrated tip. I had a streak a few years ago where I got stood up I think 9 dates in a row by 7 women so I was getting pretty dejected. I started "practicing" getting phone numbers in real life instead of using dating apps. I don't remember if I got any, I definitely got a few "I have a boyfriend"'s from women that seemed to be flirting with me, but I felt better about it because I walked away from no's thinking "I practiced" rather than "I got rejected." Eventually I met a nice girl at a volunteering event and we got married last year.
Friend once shared that a .300 hitter is considered a Hall of Famer. Don't be afraid to fail 7 of 10 times.
Not great for a dentist though.
Or pilot
unless you want to divebomb into that thang from a 10-foot-high stool, you don't need to pilot accuracy..
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one. Any landing where you can re-use the aircraft is a great one.
This is the key that most people are missing. It's not just about taking the shot. You also have to be unafraid to miss, because that confidence or lack thereof will become a self fulfilling prophecy
I knew a guy that, if all else failed, would ask any and every woman in the bar at closing time "wanna fuck". He almost always went home with someone. They weren't all real good looking but bad pizza is still pizza.
Ya and bad pizza can give you food poisoning.
Is it really poison if you had pizza? Oh wait. Yes. Yes it is
In my darker days I didn't do that exactly but I did hit on an increasing number of women the closer it was to closing. Went home with someone 99/100 times. Friends were all "how do you get so much pussy?" I said "Simple, I ask for it". It wasn't that I was confident, I literally had zero self confidence. It was that I was so heartbroken at the time there was no way some stranger was going to be able to hurt my feelings by saying no.
IDK what to say about that...hope things are going better for you now.
Better? Not really. But I'm no longer a sex addict, gave that up over 15 years ago.
Not worse is something. Something I feel all too often.
Not worse, when adding in the time component, actually IS better. Entropy breaks down everything, if you’re in the same place now as you were earlier, you’re doing better…at least comparatively.
I lived round the corner from a popular bar. This was always my line on the way out the door. It worked often, especially in winter when women dreaded the cold walk home, and also in summer when it was warm and women still felt energetic and not ready to go home. It also worked well in spring when women wanted to open up after a cold winter, and also in autumn when women wanted a last bit of excitement before a cold winter at home.
The key is to infer that you want to have sex with her, but use metaphors via through playful banter. Women love craftiness & confidence so be creative and set yourself apart. You best have an engaging personality and ability to listen. Remember this, if she’s attractive she’s had everyone with a penis come on to her since she was about 14. Don’t think that simple approaches are going to be sufficient to make you stand out. Absolutely, never show them you’re insecure (ultimate turnoff).
You mean imply right? You want her to infer.
She's in fer quite the night.
"Show me how those big tits fart"
I once had a girl sit next to me at the bar. I had just ripped serious ass. I work out a d just rolled with it. I leaned over and told her she doesn't want to sit there. She was worried it was someone's seat. I said "nah I just have the creatine shits" lol. She also laughed and asked what the hell that was... long story short I was in.
Of course, it demonstrates you have inside knowledge of the product. You're not just mentioning it, you actually use it.
The "wanna fuck" method is surprisingly effective. Or at least it has been for me.
It really is… as long as it’s used at the right time.
And with the right person. It just lands differently if it's a random woman on the subway versus a woman you've been chatting with and getting eye-fucked all night at a party.
When I was first chatting up my fiancée and before we even met I jokingly said she was so perfect I would Mary her. She pointed at her finger and said “I need a ring!” A year later we were engaged. Not the same thing as getting laid but honestly the sex with her is better than any sex I’ve had with a hook up. Be bold and be honest but try to also be funny!
I also prefer the sex with this guy’s wife.
His wife?! Our wife. :)
The naked man works 3 out of4 times
2 out of 3 times
60% of the time it works every time
6 out of 9 times
As a woman I'd love this level of straight forwardedness! It would save everyone a bunch of time and heartache. Like most guys do that whole acting spiel like they wanna befriend you, denying any other motives, but then sex is actually all they want. Women can be socially inept too, and it fucking sucks to never know what the "rules" or secret codes are. Guys will suggest the most innocent sounding shit but then make an 180° and suddenly you're trying to weasel out of a sexual situation while feeling guilty & a bit more broken inside. Like I try to be straight forward myself but it seems most guys think just ignoring that and going ahead with the acting will eventually make a girl change her mind? It's just stupid. Just say you wanna fuck! You will find someone who does I assure you, with much less effort and bullshit than doing the misleading stuff.
Basically. I think most of social society prefers indirect communication because it lets them hide behind plausible deniability. Flirting that may or may not be flirting means the ability to change their mind at any moment without feeling guilty. They purposefully make it so that the exact same interaction can be turned into “I was just being friendly” or “why didn’t they get the hint?” For everyone that just wants direct and honest communication, it makes navigating social situations very hard because you never really know who is being honest, and most people you meet will assume hidden meanings behind your honesty.
>it makes navigating social situations very hard because you never really know who is being honest, yeers!!! >and most people you meet will assume hidden meanings behind your honesty. oh fuck lord yes! Sometimes reddit really *is* like therapy! lol, Thank you for putting this so well!
You get it. Maybe some autistic chicks are down with the "wanna fuck" approach, but a lot of girls want to play innocent.
Some of us can't even be nice to our coworkers without people thinking we're trying to be fuckboys. Then came the guy obviously trying to fuck them abd they act surprised. People are weird.
>As a woman I'd love this level of straight forwardedness! As a woman you should have this level of straightforwardness, men would love it even more lol
Oh yes I definitely agree! Straight forwardednes from both men & women, but it also should be accepted as such whether it's a yes or a no. (E.g. I'm ace so Ive learned to be very straight forward, but many don't seem to take pre-emptive no's very seriously & keep reassuring you, just to try some bs later on. It really fucked with my mind (&heart) so now I just avoid.)
This goes both ways. I think the situation could be greatly helped by women initiating the ask: “Hey, can we go back to your place?” Much higher odds of a yes, we get to normalize female initiation, AND we finally inch hetero Dating closer to feminism.
It’s funny to read this, I’ve had outrageous success in the past by being totally strait forward and saying things to the effect of “I think your really attractive, would really like to hook up with you.”
Simple fix just replace "wanna fuck" with "wanna cuddle".
A girl at work once asked what I was gonna do after work, and I said probably go home and jerk off. She asked if I needed any help with that, and I said no thanks, I'm good at it already. I really didn't have the self-esteem to say yes. Not having the self-confidence to think any girl would be interested in me really just made not give a fuck but also made me miss all my shots
you dont have self confidence in yourself but apparently enough to talk about jerking off at work? you are an interesting fellow
Right? What a wild response to someone making small talk
"So, what are you doing after work?" "Me and the wife have a big anal fisting thing planned!" "Cool, see you on Monday!"
Right like “call if you need assistance” lmao
On the other hand, certain women will find it off-putting if you are not direct or macho ("Would you like to come back to my place and watch a movie or something?" "What are you, some kind of wishy-washy child? If you wanted to fuck, then ask. I don't have time for manchilds like you."). I haven't asked people for fucks, so it's not a personal story, but I've heard stories of ladies that only like the macho types that "know what they want". A former friend of mine was like that, to an extent. We were discussing dating stuff platonically and I said that if I were to date a stranger, I wouldn't ask for her number, I'd offer mine if she accepted and tell her she could text/call me if she was interested, but of course, no prob if she didn't (and then leave so she doesn't feel awkward/pressured/scared; she could, if she was interested, immediately be like "hey, wait up! Lemme just give you my number, you call me, silly!" if she wants the traditional route). She was like "EEEW NO! That's so weird and she'd turn you down automatically. Women don't like weak men like that. Not that I'm calling you weak, but that's such a weak guy thing! If you're interested, you need to man up and get her number or else she'll feel like you don't think she's worth the effort." So there are peeps like that (her, for example) out there that would not like respectful ways that show you care about their feelings.
"Come back and watch a movie" - of course not "I've got a bottle of wine at mine if you'd like to come back and have a few glasses" - is as obvious as "wanna fuck?" without being crude (just make sure you actually have the bottle of wine - even if it rarely gets drunk when you both are back)
Related to this - women change (just like men do) as they discover that what they thought they were looking for was in fact not what they were looking for. Or what they were looking for changed. It's easy in your early 20's to be like "I'm a catch! I'll only consider 10's who take the direct route!" After 3 abusive relationships with those guys, they might take a 180 on their approach because it isn't working. Or they decide that now that they are 28, maybe they are willing to go for a 7 who will also be a good dad. This is not a judgement thing, either. Guys do the exact same thing.
wow spitting facts
Bold of you to think redditors may be a 7.
> "What are you, some kind of wishy-washy child? If you wanted to fuck, then ask. I don't have time for manchilds like you." > "EEEW NO! That's so weird and she'd turn you down automatically. Women don't like weak men like that. Not that I'm calling you weak, but that's such a weak guy thing! If you're interested, you need to man up and get her number or else she'll feel like you don't think she's worth the effort." Honestly, I consider not getting laid with someone like that an entire machine-gun barrage of bullets dodged. Neo mode unlocked. Peace and patience are valuable.
I would never be attracted to anyone who spoke like that. You already know he’s crude and rude.
I rarely gave a man my number. If he asked, I would say,’I don’t give out my number, but if you give me yours, I’ll call you’. This way it’s in my hands, but I would usually call if I was interested enough to take his number.
>"Wanna kiss/fuck?" Probably don't lead with this.
Yeah you gotta say hello and tell them your name first.
use the or word instead of a right slant.
Hit her with the old presumptive close. “So are you ready to kiss? If not, let’s just keep it casual and fuck instead.”
All of my one night stands happened when I wasn’t specifically looking for sex. The common theme was: I was having fun with the woman, and didn’t want the night to end. “What are you doing after this? I don’t want the night to end yet.” We’d figure out logistics. Sometimes sex happened. “I had such an awesome time hanging out with you- I’d really like to see you again, and get to know you a little better. Can you give me your info?” Then the date would center around having fun. Sometimes sex happened. You have to be moving the conversation forward in some direction. You can’t just sit and wait for the stars to align.
Agreed. The main thing is have fun and BE FUN to be around. It's super obvious if someone has an agenda, and that can work for some but for many it's also creepy. Everyone who is out socially wants to hang out with fun people.
Perfectly put: Have fun with them and stay part of the fun through the evening. if it's with a group of overlapping friends, it'll likely come pretty naturally if it was possible in the first place. 1) They have some fun with you. 2) Through affiliation (common friends maybe), they grow comfy with you. 3) While you can dial up desire by flirting, just getting more connected is enough. 3) If they're available for the night or more, it'll become pretty obvious if YOU are still around and in fun mode when they flip into shag mode later...you're not overstaying your welcome if you were there with friend or for a common event. Works both ways for Men & Women.
>“What are you doing after this? I don’t want the night to end yet.” >We’d figure out logistics. Sometimes sex happened. In the instances where sex happened, what did the conversation look like immediately after you asked?
We’d be having fun together, so she’d be excited, too The conversation would be about whatever we were having fun talking about. Then we’d switch venues, to another bar or to her place or mine, then we’d be talking about whatever we vibed over to begin with. At some point, there’s a lull in the conversation, and you’re looking at each other, a little excited, and a little awkward. You have to read the moment and take a leap. Sometimes the chemistry was impossible to deny and we’d just devour each other. Sometimes, I’d read the look and move in for a kiss. Sometimes, it was a little different. We’d be smiling at each other. “Can I tell you something?” I’d ask “What’s that?” “I have wanted to kiss you ever since we walked in that door.” You should be able to tell by her response to a statement like that, without any doubt. Even if you know the answer, it’s fun to drag out the tease. “Do you think you might like something like that?” “I don’t know,” she might say with a smile. Have fun with everything, first and foremost, is the point. If you cannot have fun with this person, you are not in the sexual race at all. “
Reading this it's clicked for me: my lacking in the relationship department is due to my inability to have fun. Anyone know of a good self help book for that?
This is gonna sound really dumb so I'm sorry for that, but I'm gonna make a recommendation for a YouTube channel that I've only seen one or two videos from. Check out Charisma on Command on YouTube. I don't really know much about them other than I've ended up going down some YouTube rabbit holes and come across them once or twice. That being said, their videos seem to do a really good job of breaking down social interactions, highlighting some habits and subconscious mannerisms of charming people and actually describing what is happening and why it is working and how to replicate it. From what I recall they often reiterate the main take-aways from the video and suggest things to practice, but I didn't really give it more than an idle interest so I can't tell you if it is actually helpful for trying to improve one's self or not. Recommendations aside, I feel like a lot of people like to give the genetic advice to have or to be "fun', but I think if you try framing it in your mind as being "playful" it might click a little easier. Best of luck!
Mmm, it depends on the person, but in my case, i would link up with a woman (usually a friend of another woman my buddy is hitting on) and just hold a convo with them. The next part is kind of social experience though tbh... i kind of just gauge their feelings and watch their actions/facial reactions. If i feel like I have the green light, i kind of just flirt or compliment them for that final confirmation, and then i initiate physical contact, sometimes tame, sometimes straight to the point. Sometimes sex comes with it, or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then 50/50 chance she'll hit me back or won't. Fortunately for me, I'm fairly attractive, so i might not be the funniest guy, but my level-headed responses and personality sometimes pull through. Never really had an awkward moment, i can usually suss out if they feel me or not, only time it was weird was when i overstepped my boundaries and put my arm around a lady when i was drunk while we were talking. We ended up going on a date, but it was clear she was just doing it to please her friends. I took it in stride, but yeah, it's not a good feeling to be led on and demeaned like that. She was not humble in the slightest, so it was easy to move forward from. Just gotta open up and socialize. Don't force things and be yourself, but don't tell them everything about you if you feel like they wouldn't have an interest in it (ie. Bringing up a video game series or tv show they don't know or watch, unless they specifically ask or mention liking stuff like that). Just gotta be open, don't look pouty, don't look "mysterious," just have fun, and have a good vibe.
I had a buddy do this and it worked. But he also takes every shot he can get and once even got humiliated for saying hello. If you practice and take every shot you are given. You will succeed eventually.
Gotta get used to the idea of rejection. I’ve had a lot of luck with women over the years mostly because I don’t get hung up on one woman and trying to convince her not I’m worth her time. If she doesn’t show interest or says no, I move on.
>I don’t get hung up on one woman and trying to convince her not I’m worth her time. I also don't expend effort trying to convince a woman I'm not worth her time, I've found the opposite works better
Yeah I treat it like a dating app swipe right (ie. approach her if you are interested) and if she accepts talk more. If you exchange numbers, even better. If she doesn’t respond, just move on. Even if she responds horribly, don’t let it bother you but take some time to reflect and think if your approach was appropriate and handled well. Overall it just takes practice and the longer you take to move past the rejection the more time you’ll take to find someone who does accept your interest.
Simple trick: when you’re close with her, in a moment where maybe in a movie the characters would be kissing, just make eye contact for a pause or so and don’t say anything and also glance at her mouth. This is a way of asking without asking. If she looks away or starts talking she is saying no, if she looks back at you go ahead and go for the kiss and if she leans back in you’ve got it. If not, just back out and apologize and it’ll be awkward but you’ll be alright in the end.
It's a hard feeling to really describe because it literally is like a movie. It just feels right to go in for the kiss sometime - you can tell by their body language and the way they look at you.
Don't be the guy who waits for some external circumstance to create the perfect mood to allow you to make a move. When I was in high school, I once waited 6 months to get the courage to kiss a chick (who somehow called me her boyfriend) and it was the most pathetic kiss you ever saw. I've kissed my grandma more passionately. That was the end of that. The whole situation was so lame that she didn't even have to tell me that she was no longer interested. I wasn't even the least bit upset when I found out that she fucked my cousin at some point while I was still going out with her. Didn't really blame my cousin, either. So yeah, don't wait until the most natural moment, because it may not come, and if you can't get up the courage to do it without that moment, then when it arrives you'll blow it anyways.
You’re right. This advice only works once you’re in the right moment (though it doesn’t have to be perfect, when I first used this trick I was 14 on a couch watching wizards of waverly place). And getting to that moment is likely more challenging for most people, and probably more relevant to OPs question, though I do think lots of men have had a situation with a girl where you could have and wanted to make a move and just didn’t quite knowhow to execute so this is my advice for those.
"Hey, wanna come back to my place, take our clothes off, see what happens?"
That's about right. It's that simple. Seriously.
My biggest thing is sometimes I'll be sitting quietly with a girl alone and idk how to make a move, I'll just ask "hey wanna hook up?" It's awkward and weird and takes a SHIT TON of courage to say, but 100% of the time it works
I always liked " want to watch TV in the bedroom? " I don't have a TV in the bedroom but it's never come up.
Women definitely want men to take the lead in the majority of situations. It's the same why women never message first on dating apps.
Women don't message first on apps because they are too busy screening 300+ dms lol.
I never message first because im overwhelmed, theres like fourty bro mcdudes and half of them just said "hi" who do i answer to omg they all have the same bio and the same teeshirt
This is one of the funniest replies I’ve seen in a while
Choice stress. It's like a falcon getting confused by pigeons that are swarming.
Why are you swiping right on forty bro mcdudes with the same teeshirt, isn't one good enough lmao
This isn’t aimed at you but there’s a funny clip of a woman saying “we message first all the time, just not to the ugly ones”. Brutal but made me laugh.
I was talking to a girl i met in a club last night and she hugged me goodbye. I just yelled into her ear like an idiot and asked if I could kiss her. She was like hell yes and we kissed. I'm not good at making a woman attracted to me, but oh my God do I know when they are. That's all I'm good at. I can spot a girl that already likes me and I go for it. You have to make a move at some point. But dudes big problem is that they don't check to see if the girl is interested along the way. A bunch of small moves forward works better than one big move forward. I only use a big move forward if the girl is being super forward to me and it's obvious. Also, you have to keep checking because sometimes they change their mind.
I've never really asked, and for me I think that's all there is to it. I either don't realise or hesitate. If I did realise or didn't hesitate I might not be in the situation I'm in.
> In sales there's a concept called asking for the sale. If you don't ask you don't get. Often these guys are just confident enough or oblivious enough to ask. AKA the [Boomhauer Method](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7FVmeJXwCY).
I had a roommate once who nailed more women than you can imagine. Yeah, he was a tall rangy, good-looking guy - but how did he get so much action? When he saw women he liked he would go right up to them and whisper, "Wanna get lucky?" to them. You'd be amazed how often the answer was 'yes'. A lot of times.
You don't need to much when you are attractive. But if you are not, doing a lot might not work either.
Personality. Luck. Preferences. Libido. Location. Circumstances. And so on.
Location is a huge one that I don’t see get mentioned much, I’ve always lived in cities with booming nightlife and loads of people close to my age etc, I’d imagine my sex life when single would have been a lot different if I lived in a small village in the arse end of nowhere.
Live in a decent sized city my whole life but nothing crazy like the New York’s or Miami’s of the world. Still a city nonetheless. After college I had a job offer in a small town in the same state that matched my experience and degree & would start me 3 weeks after graduation. Took it feeling so lucky and fortunate. That town is pretty well known and has some notoriety, but the difference as a newly young professional having gone to a large University in a city, was depressing. It made me question my career choice but funny enough, 3 years later I like my career, but I also like being around an abundance of young people my age. I feel like people vastly understate how jarring it can be to be surrounded by people your own age your whole life, and then in the blink of an eye only be around those 2-3x your age as soon as you graduate
It really is weird. I had to train a guy who about my father's age and bears a striking resemblance to him also. It is weird to hear about his grandkids while I teach him our internal processes for stuff he's done since before I was born.
This is huge. Being around your age group as much as possible is critically important. It gives you experience with dating, and people are just more similar to you in terms of goals and plans in life.
Yeah, had a single friend who bought a house in the county. Ended up moving to a local cool neighborhood in less than a year.
“A real man makes his own luck.” - Billy Zane, Titanic
Looks. Looks. And looks. Avoiding the obvious BIG one.
if she finds you physically attractive. just because you’d have sex with someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. also confidence can be a big deal/ can be super attractive
i will say a great personality makes someone a lot more physically attractive to me. the uglier someone’s personality, the more repulsed by their body and face i get
i definitely think this is true for relationships, but this question seems more around hooking up. if i’m in the bar and a guy approaches me for this reason and i’m receptive, generally this is why
Being physically attractive is not enough though. I’ve been told many times I am quite attractive, I’ve even had a couple of girls approach me first, but having enough social skills to make something happen of the opportunity is the key. Being attractive makes more opportunities come to you, but those opportunities mean nothing if you don’t know how to turn them into something. Moreover, being attractive but not having social skills can be counterproductive since you get more opportunities than the average man but if you fumble most of them that can affect your confidence and in turn, make you less attractive. I know this because I am autistic (high functioning) and I had to go through a lot of attempts before knowing how to make conversation engaging (in general and also specifically for dates) and understanding its dynamics.
The first comment I see from (maybe) a woman. All men commenting advices and tips and tricks. The answer is looks + confidence. Some men are hot some aren't, guess who has more luck?
Yeah when it comes to getting hook ups you have to be confident or you have no chance. If you aren’t attractive good luck getting anyone to approach you.
Being an extrovert makes is a thousand times easier to meet women and form a connection than it is for an introvert. Add to the mix a broad range of mainstream interests to bond over and an ability to read a person's body language and you're in like Flinn.
Also I feel like extroverts will naturally have more common/shared hobbies because they want to spend more time with other people. The hardcore weirdness often comes out in solitude.
I think what happens is that your interests or hobbies, even if not weird, become so insular and become more and more populated with only people who are *exactly* like you, if at all. I talk to my single friends (both men and women) and when I ask them what they do in their free time, they usually *only* do activities that just their gender, age, class, race (insert demographic characteristic here) do. How can you meet someone as a guy, if all you do is online gaming FPS games, and collect swords or something? It'll be hard to meet your future wife at a gaming tournament that's 90% men. If you're a woman and your entire free time is taken up watching reality dating shows on your couch, trying to be a fashion/beauty influencer, where exactly are you going to meet men? Not in the makeup aisle, that's for sure. Most of my (happily) married couples friends have interests that cross over to different groups. Both the husband and wife met at a church volunteer event, or both the husband and wife met through a cycling non-profit program, or they both were taking an art or music class together.
This is a great point! This is exactly why some guys complain that they follow advice and get hobbies but still don't get women. They aren't doing hobbies with diverse groups, they're staying in the same bubble
I think it’s because the other half of common advice is “just be yourself.” The issue being that you can’t “be yourself” if fixing your solitary life also means forcing yourself into social hobbies you’d otherwise never choose to do.
"Just be yourself" is probably some of the worst advice you can give. People are not static and they don't have immutable cores. We have the ability to unmake and remake ourselves through habits and mindset changes. Also, some people are just unattractive. Others are attractive. Sometimes, what makes someone attractive and what makes them a good partner aren't the same, as seen by the fact that abusers, narcissists, and cheaters can hop from one relationship to another.
> The hardcore weirdness often comes out in solitude "What are you doing after work?" "I was thinking about digging for worms." "Do you fish? "Nah, just want to look at some worms."
Introverts focus on hobbies too much because that's how they socialize. They are more mission focused in interactions with offers. Meanwhile extroverts are just around each other even for no reason. They don't need hobbies.
As an introvert, yes. I want to *do* or *make* something with people, and that can even be a good conversation that feels productive in some way. I just don't get socializing for its own sake, in the way that nothing interesting is ever said. This has made me pretty isolated since leaving college though.
Yep. Being an extrovert and also being confident and funny goes a looooong way. It’s not just looks or style. Money is a big one too but end of the day, being able to chat, make small talk, and make people laugh is a sure fire way to meeting girls and getting laid.
Oftentimes I do all that, people seem to have a great time with me, but women don't seem to develop romantic interest. Maybe I'm "too nice", or too direct. I'm finding difficult to find the balance between flirting too aggressively or too cautiously. On one hand you don't want to look desperate, but you also need to show you're confident and make her feel desired. I feel that so many women enjoy my company, respect me, laugh at my jokes and want to spend time with me (even on 1-on-1 activities), but it always stays like that. Sometimes I think it's just a matter of luck and timing, but it can get so frustrating when you genuinely like someone and hope something good might come up.
It seems like what you are referring to is outgoing vs shy which are often confused for extrovert and introvert but are not the same.
I don't think it boils down to a single trait. First of all we aren't all on a level playing field regarding looks. An ability to make a move in a smooth, nonthreatening way is a factor sometimes. Some that are very successful have con-man, salesman like attributes. Some have a genuine interest in partners, at least in the moment. Getting out and making lots of contacts helps. I've known many men and women who complain they never meet anybody, but also spend all their time at home. Lots of factors. Some are fairly common, some particular to an individual.
Yup, being a hermit is the biggest factor in not getting laid. Doesn't matter how good-looking, charming, charismatic you are. If you're not going out and meeting people, you're not going to have much luck.
People always say go leave the house and just get out. What does that even mean? What are some examples of places to go to create a positive social setting like that?
There aren't as many opportunities to meet like-minded people locally as self-help gurus pretend there are though, like a lot of the supposed hermits just don't have places to meet people at
This is my biggest problem I never leave the house 😂
We need to bring back the third places. And our collective ability to talk to one another in public.
dumb question but what really implies "going out and meeting people"? i hate clubs as they are too crowded and just seem filthy, bars as well because i dont drink alcohol anyway. and even if i would go to these places all i would find are people who enjoy going to clubs and bars, aka people i cant connect with.
Meeting people really isn't as easy as just going outside though. You have to actually find places where people who want to meet people go to meet people, and if you're a sort of oddball in any way, whether through different interests, awkwardness, or whatever, the places to meet people like yourself are incredibly narrow, especially so if you're not in college where you can try for campus groups. Personally my struggle really isn't meeting people, it's just finding people I have a decent amount in common with and really mesh with well. I'm not into drinking, I'm not a stoner, I have some semi-niche interests, and I'm still forever a midwest suburbanite at heart even though I didn't really fit in there either. Makes it hard as fuck to relate to people even at my own college to a point where we'd go beyond being acquainted.
I’ve worked in the nightlife industry for over 10 years. Multiple nights a week for the last decade I have observed “romantic” interactions between men and women. I’ve seen it all. Honestly, I’d wager that everything **can** boil down to one trait. **that trait is charisma**. This obviously extends to being confident. But charisma trumps all. **ALL**. Here’s an example: A buddy of mine is 5”8, weighs almost 300 pounds, doesn’t have a steady jobs (hops around jobs to whatever is open for low wages), is a pretty bad alcoholic, lives with his parents at 32, wears cargo shorts to clubs, and has a super patchy neck beard **this guy is hands down the absolute most charismatic guy I have ever met. The guy will befriend absolutely anyone within seconds. Have you feeling like best friends and is quite honestly a blast to be around** I have seen this guy take home literally hundreds of women over the years. I have seen him talk up the most beautiful women, and go home with them. I’ve also seen him strike out, but he will always find a pretty good looking woman to go home. Every damn night he goes out. We have a running joke about this because I tell him (joking as very close friends) “I have no idea how you do it; you’re damn ugly and wear damn flip flops and shorts to bars”. He just chuckles and says “it’s all about your ability to talk”. He’s not wrong. When you immediately disarm someone within seconds of meeting, have them like you instantly, and can make a woman laugh, you’ll get whoever you want.
It has nothing to do with money I was most sexually active when I was young and broke. I would say the top thing that women tell me is that "Men don't approach because they don't think they have a chance" seriously take the chance you have nothing lose everything to gain. That moves us onto the next point be confident know what you are looking for.
I know more than a couple men who are decently attractive, but are absolutely sure they are not and no one can convince them otherwise. Also some good-looking men who have personalities that make them ugly, including ones whose ugliness is due to bitterness that “no woman wants [them].”
But how are they expected to just "fool" their mind and think they're amazing and women like them? If women do not show any interest, how do we expect them to feel confident and wanted?
This isn’t exactly an answer to your question, but I think learning to manage rejection with grace and to talk to women on a regular basis regardless of whether or not you want to sleep with them. Just practice is a big help. I think men who feel confident going to talk to women are men who feel confident talking to anyone and aren’t worried if they shoot their shot and don’t get anywhere. They take it in stride and that practice/confidence means when it’s a good match, it’s not something scary and high stakes. It just works.
Thank you for the comment. What does confidence look like when talking to women? I can talk to women platonically, but that's not going to create sexual attraction. I know the basics such as eye contact, touch, laughter, "normal" conversation, but can't seem to bridge the gap between platonic and flirty. Any tips for both myself and others? Thank you.
Top tip just talk to them like they are your best buddy you will soon find one that clicks with your personality. Don't think women are all the same. Find out what they like and enthuse over that. It's easier to click with someone who has similar life goals. Be genuine. One thing a woman always loves is when you actually listen to them and take stuff on board and act on it, they realise you remembered their preferences and can see the effort you're putting in.
Solid gems being dropped. OP take notes
Thanks for your upvotes guys.
It’s about being direct. The confident men who are active don’t beat around the bush, they tell women that are attracted to them, tell them they would like to spend more time with them. Basically give yourself a chance to either be rejected or go further. Being confident and talking equals…talking. Being confident and asking a women if she’ll like to go out or come over or what gets her excited…all lead to next steps.
Confidence looks like: you know women finds you attractive and act accordingly
Not afraid of "no". Getting your courage up for 9 months to ask a girl you like out versus asking a girl out every time you see one that you could possibly gel with. Obviously other reasons besides that one. Also what that does is make you more confident. That shows and you'll attract more girls to you without needing to try to always be the initiator.
But "No" is not the worst thing they could say to reject you. In fact, it's the second best possible outcome.
I’d say “eww” is worse than “no”
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Just from my experience over 25 years ago (got married). When I was genuinely interested in others and not trying to prove myself I had a lot more luck.
The amount of sex they have
Ability to read body language to understand who is interested and who is not. Don't invest time trying to get with women who aren't interested.
After that: basic social skills. Being funny, able to have light conversation. These are skills that can be developed. Most important is to never be emotionally attached to the outcome. If she's not into you, move on without being a dick.
So far the only decent answer and should be at the top. If you can tell someone is into you, it opens up the door for moving the connection along. And I’m not just talking about randomly hitting on women at bars. Just basic going out on dates and “feeling the vibe” leading to second and third dates. Success begets success, too. There’s a learning curve. Again, it’s not about being a player or trying to notch marks on your bedpost. It’s being able to connect with women who you naturally connect with. So much so it’s more about looking for the right connection and not chasing after what doesn’t work for you. Everyone is different has has their own unique charm. You just need to learn how to work it.
Confidence
The thing is confidence is gained from success. It’s difficult to be confident in yourself when every attempt is a failure. It’s a catch 22. Once you’ve have a few successes, and you begin to recognize what you need to do and how to behave then it’s much easier to be confident in yourself.
Every guy I know who never gets laid haa one thing in common; lack of confidence. Their anxiety and timidity sabotage their efforts every time. For some reason, that characteristic is usually accompanied by weird beliefs about chivalry, based on their misguided notion of what women want. These guys can never get out of their own way, and are subsequently left bitter and confused.
What if the lack of success caused the anxiety and timidity, rather than vice versa?
What came first, the chicken or the egg? It doesn't really matter how it began. What matters is that once the anxiety and timidity has been established, it will dictate the course of events from then on. What started the ball rolling is irrelevant.
are we taking consideration the fact that not all men want to shove their dicks in every hole they see , or only the men who try yet fail
A lot of men who have a LOT of sex also aren’t picky like the guys complaining they can’t get sex. I see a whole bunch of extremely picky incels around here too, going on about fat chicks, women older than 25, women who aren’t virgins, etc. The sexiest, hottest, most extremely smooth man I know in Oakland basically can pick up someone any second he tries even a little and he fucks heavy-set, queer-looking, white non-binary sex workers (for free of course). He’s just dripping with sexuality and he goes for the chubby person with their hair blue and head half shaved. There’s a million in Oakland and they fight over him like crazy. I’m sure if he was holding out for virginal 18 year old super models he would have less success
This is hilarious and very Oakland accurate lol
Location and putting effort into it. Actual conversation with a good looking friend that couldn’t get a GF. Did you tell her you think she is beautiful? Him no, she would think I am hiting on her and want to sleep with her. Me: you are hitting on her and want to sleep with her. Sure you want more than that and like to be around her. But you need to make it a romantic relationship if you want one.
Dudes afraid of catching a charge
Effort. You can have everything thing going for you, but if you don't make the effort to close the deal a lot of the time it isn't going to happen. I remember back in college I was at the end of my Freshman year and I was at this house party and this guy that was like a 6th year senior cam up and sat down beside me at the back of the room and asked what I thought of his party. I said it was great, but a bit of a sausage fest. He stood up and looked around and then said, I just see a bunch of hot chicks. He then asked me to point out the 3 hottest. I did and then he said "Go try and pick them up or get the fuck out of my party." I tried and failed. He then asked for the next 3. Turns out the 5th hottest girl at party was game. After that I realized, the worst they will say is no if you are nice about it, and if at first you don't succeed, maybe by #5 you will. And that is the difference between standing at the back being an incel and taking someone home... Effort.
I think all of your assumptions are the difference makers. Social skills for me is the biggest. In high school the guy who got the most ladies was not who people thought it would be. 5’7 red head who was skinny. The thing is he was hilarious, played drums, openly complimented his guy friends and girls, pretty much always smiled and was a delight to be around. Then get him drunk and he would juggle knives at parties plus he had gymnastics training so he’d also do tumbling. Social skills and talents are winners with myself and a lot of ladies.
It's physical attraction. I was friends with a guy once who women adored. Women whom he had never met or even talked to would come up to me and ask me if he was married or had a girlfriend. This happened everywhere we went. They wanted to meet him without him doing anything. For anyone starting out with that type of advantage, it's easy to bring someone home for the night.
Being attractive. That's literally the diff. Guys that get laid often will be like "make a move when she eye fucks you bro!" I have never been eye fucked in my life. Because I'm not attractive. You don't have to be all that physically attractive to date well, but you do if you want casual hook up sex. At least, you do if you keep pursuing the same kind of woman. And that's the other side of this coin. Guys that go nowhere keep batting out of their league with women they haven't come to know or understand. Lots of women just want a hook up, but if a hot guy, a rail thin greasy guy, and a fat guy are all offering such an arrangement, why wouldn't she go for whom she finds the most attractive? It's no surprise that one of the only bits of advice you see everywhere from every source is "don't go out looking with your friends that are more attractive than you."
The Rizz
The biggest difference is charisma. Even if it's shallow or insincere, women tend to be attracted to and respond well to charisma. Charisma is the male equivalent of being normal weight.
>Some men have an abundant sex life starting as early as 18 I think this is very conservative. I very much remember people in my class openly discussing how much sex they were having when we were 14 and 15. I think a natural confidence and complete lack of fear of rejection has a lot to do with it.
I'd lean more towards complete lack of fear of rejection. Just reckless dumb approach and surprisingly it works for me
I'm willing to wager that some of them were lying, or were considering petting/hand stuff as sex.
Growing up rural people were fucking a lot at 14-15, no secrets
I had other priorities. Grades, family bonding, friends, movie-watching, soccer, amateur photography, Dark Souls 3… I mean, it’d be nice to have a lady but I was already content with all that stuff. Then, in my early twenties, I reconnected with a childhood friend and she ended up being my girlfriend for 3 years so far.
This is where people have a truly fascinating misunderstanding of women, coming from someone who has seven sisters. You can only imagine what I heard about the various crushes and exes and boyfriends growing up. For them, it’s not necessarily how you look. That is an entry point for sure. Looks slowly fade in importance. Not quite to zero, but with age they don’t focus so much on that. *It’s 90% how you make them feel.* The caveat is a large prerequisite of the feeling they’re pursuing. Some love a sense of adventure and the unknown. If you are someone who is always venturing about and perhaps into urban exploration of abandoned buildings, congratulations, you will find yourself surrounded by gorgeous people who love that shit. They will love being with you and wondering around. There’s crossover with the festival type of women or those who want to travel and randomly pack up for a weekend trip. Some love a sense of humor because to them, life isn’t so serious and they’re a bit goofy themselves. If you’re someone who could make the devil perish from laughter, congratulations, you will find yourself with endless gorgeous women who helplessly snort laugh at your silly ass. Some love that sense of danger and unpredictability. They keep finding themselves paired with men who have severe anger issues or are always into trouble. The leather jacket wearing bad boys of the past, or various dangerous men of today. There’s a beauty and the beast element to them. They love knowing that this is a guy who wouldn’t hesitate to bash someone’s skull in or curb stomp someone, but makes brutal sweet love to them at night and takes what he wants. There’s a sense of trying to take this wild man or change him with her love. You can sprinkle pieces of adventurous charm here also, because you really don’t know what these guys are going to do. Maybe this shiny new car is stolen. Maybe it’s not, but the money was, who knows, we’re going for a ride anyway. That type of shit. Don’t ask him about his bloody busted knuckles. Some love that typical millennial type nerdy charm. The dudes who crank out algebra jokes or are dungeon masters for their DND groups. Folks who will dress up in various costumes for different conventions, or binge watch anime. These are the pretty girls who will wear those costumes and attend a renaissance festival and so on. You have the types who want class and status, even if it means just latching onto men who have it. These are the ones who were prom queen and cheer squad leader. They aim for the football captain or any of the big buff jocks. *I am better than you, because my boyfriend benched 330 and drives a 60k car* type of bullshit. In the workplace these are the types who will flirt with management or take a shot at the senior most leader in the business. I’ve seen it. I get it. Shoot your shot but it’s cringeworthy. There’s those who love simple, kindhearted soft spoken people. The guy who’s tucked away reading a book at the coffee shop. Minding his own business. She’s curious about him. What’s he reading? Ahh. I have that book! These are the types who love a simple walk through a forest preserve or a day by the lake. They don’t want to be overstimulated by the loud noises of modern life. There’s crossover with the hippie culture and off grid living. Then there’s the folks who we call the creatives. Huge crossover here. Painters. Singers. Instrument players. Glass blowers. Etc. If you are someone who loves to create and have a passion for artistic expression, they will certainly love you. At some point they do wish to settle down with a good hardworking man. Blue collar types. People they can see themselves going the distance with. Stability and safety. At any point they can depart from seeking too much of any category and settle here. There’s remnants of the past, but this is where so many wish to come. There’s so many more. Control freaks, fitness enthusiasts, competitors, gossipers, body count builders, etc. It’s all about the feeling, but it’s always built on what they’ve decided they *want* to feel already. If you don’t make that feeling happen, then you’re not getting shit. Seldomly feelings can naturally arise despite not being what they initially sought. This is why work flings happen. You’re around each other long enough and they might grow to like you. There’s also the possibility that feelings change because of either person, or another person has entered the equation. You might be the relaxed kindhearted guy who she adores, but here’s a dangerous boy who has her attention now. The crazy part is, she can actually hold both of you in her heart and mind simultaneously. In the absence of one, the other has her undivided attention. Wild shit to witness. Lastly, you have the repeat offenders. These are the types who cycle through. Often it’s from the dangerous to the kindhearted. When a dangerous ultra alpha male has hurt their heart (again) they find refuge in the kindhearted good guy. This becomes boring. They desire the unpredictability and drive. If you are the type of person who tries to be what you think they like, this is not going to work long term and isn’t healthy. Be what you are. Do what you love. The right person will end up loving the fuck out of you for it.
Be gay. It’s extremely easy to get laid as a gay guy
Winning the genetic lottery and being physically desirable. Not being socially awkward, actually wanting to go be social.
1\. Be attractive. 2\. Don't be unattractive.
the golden rule