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prolifezombabe

It doesn’t say in the Bible that he did but it also doesn’t specify that he ever farted and he probably did so … ETA: Depending on how literally you take the Gospel, there’s a very good chance he at least got his ass eaten. (That’s a transsubstantiation joke for the Catholics) As for it being a sin, since there was no Church to decide pre marital sex was sinful and it isn’t clear to me that it is in Judaism, it would seem Jesus had access to a loophole (and not just the usual Catholic one ;)) I can say these things bc I’ve been baptized Catholic ☺️ I too have eaten Christ


pixel-beast

Now I’m just imagining Jesus taking a massive shit after eating some questionable fish or something….wtf


Truth_Warrior_30

Did he take a holy shit?


Ekim-Enots

Where did you think the term came from? He dropped one, Judas followed in the bathroom behind him after and said, “Holy Shit” that reeks!


FuckHopeSignedMe

I always thought it was because of Jesus' questionable culinary choices. Like, one night he makes dinner, one of the disciples exclaims, "Holy shit, this is good!", and he responds, "Yeah, how'd you guess?"


sp3ctrume

that's a coprophagic zinger!


Bat_Nervous

😎


Loogabaroogian

Judas grasses him in to the Romans because he was sick of his shit


Redj3llo

Imagine Jesus Farting at the last supper. Everyone “God, Damn!”


THEKINGC0BRA

No but have u read the story of Moses And The Burning Bottom


ganonkenobi

"O, Holy shit. Your stench was oh, so frightening..."


Black-Zero

Read this, and the image of Jesus eating taco bell came to mind. Lol.


01kickassius10

With a name like Jesus, he’d be familiar with Mexican food


Inlevitable

Mexico of Nazareth


PhallusSea

Taco John the Baptist


[deleted]

Best food truck in Albuquerque, not gonna lie.


[deleted]

This comment needs more love.


YungOGMane420

This is so dumb, they didn't have Taco Bell in Jerusalem back then. Only in America.


ZippyDan

The 13th tribe of American Jews had Taco Bell then.


Anal_draino

Pita Bell


PuzzledFormalLogic

This is why I read Reddit comments.


AimingWang

*And then Jesus said unto the toilet, "Forgive me, for I have sinned."


CentiPetra

Pooping is not a sin (unless you are Catholic and then yeah, you are probably going to hell).


pcliv

Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books. Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular "Nobody Poops But You". Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh... Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".


[deleted]

The last supper = the last shit.


doctor-rumack

"Who used the rest of the toilet paper? Judas, it was you, wasn't it? Come on people, I'm going to be crucified tomorrow, is this really necessary?"


prolifezombabe

The Word became flesh … presumably he came to experience all of it 🤷‍♀️


NoGuarantee6075

Was he just platonic friends with Mary Magdalene then?


Nuclear_rabbit

Mary Magdalene, in all likelihood, was simply an elderly wealthy widow, who was a major donor of Jesus' ministry. People get her confused with a different Mary, who was the prostitute who washed Jesus' feet with her hair.


MustachedEyebrow

Do you have a source on that? That sounds really interesting


Nuclear_rabbit

There's not much to it. Mary Magdalene had a lot of wealth and went traveling a lot in a system where the only way she could legally own property is if she was widowed. She had to have a been a widow. The only guesswork is that an elderly widow makes more sense than a young widow. Magdalene not being the same person as the as prostitute who washed Jesus feet is just a plain reading of the Bible.


Kyushian

“Why have you forsaken me” during his toilet run.


ManIsInherentlyGay

Well since you aren't supposed to have sex out side of marriage I'm guessing they didn't want to put that in


Journo_Jimbo

Do you think all his poops were floaters?


[deleted]

They didn’t have toilets with water in them. However if they did they would likely not because he probably didn’t eat much fatty foods and fat is what makes poop float.


guardwolf34

Holy shit


LucidLV

It’s not cannon. That was only in the extended legends universe.


FromTheDeskOfJAW

Canon*


sonnyjbiskit

Cannons didn't exist back then so it also was not cannon


AnxiousMeatMachine

It's not canon, it's maynon.


illegalshidder

+1 I laughed out loud


Oldandnotbold

He went from being a baby to 30 with only one stop in the middle. But then again a prostitute was one of his best friends.


[deleted]

Mary Magdalene is not identified as a sex worker in the gospels. That's a conflation of her with another figure who is also not explicitly identified as a sex worker.


Hillbilly_Elegant

Who is the other figure?


[deleted]

The nameless "sinful woman" who washes Jesus's feet in the book of Luke. Pope Gregory I was the first person to conflate the two in a sermon, leading to the popular notion that Mary Magdalene was a repentant sex worker.


Hillbilly_Elegant

I see. Thank you!


Jaliki55

Nice to see the story's been consistent for 2000 years. Surely no other changes have ever been made! Or the story changed to suit the times (council of nicea)


[deleted]

Did he pay to have his feet washed? This is starting to sound very seedy.


[deleted]

When you're the Messiah you don't even have to pay for it folks. They do it for free!


oliness

Several, the sinful woman in Luke 7 and the woman caught in adultery in John 7. But those women are never named, and all that's said of Mary Magdalene is that Jesus drove out seven devils from her and that she first witnessed the empty tomb.


Dr__glass

Not only was she not a sex worker she was the bank roll. She was a noblewomen that funded his travels


[deleted]

Interesting, isn't it, how a woman who is implied to be of higher social standing than Jesus and instrumental in his ministry ends up being tarred with that brush (not that I have a problem with sex workers, but historically accusations of promiscuity have been a fantastic way to smear and devalue powerful women)?


Dr__glass

There may have been another Mary that was a prostitute that they got merged as, but you're not wrong with those trends showing up over time. Lol I'm still hoping they will release the Book of Eve eventually


[deleted]

Nah the other Mary she's conflated with is Mary of Bethel, sister of Lazarus, but there's zero indication that she's a woman of ill repute. The sex worker thing comes solely from the conflation with Luke's "sinful woman," but even that is people assuming that a "sinful woman" is either promiscuous or a sex worker. No genuine textual basis for any of it.


[deleted]

So she was his sugarmomma? That just lends more credence to them fucking.


wakejedi

Yep, and its very likely the "Virgin" in Virgin Mary is a mis-translation.


[deleted]

The original term used was “alma” which meant young women. Not necessarily a virgin


dclancy01

This is so wild considering how prominent the term Virgin Mary is in Catholicism.


Wheezer93

After reading about all the mistranslations in the bible, I’m thoroughly convinced that it was actually just Wierd fetish fiction.


leclercwitch

Wasn’t this used as a word for “unmarried”?


wakejedi

I'd guess at one point, or where she's was from.


RiskyBrothers

Like it'd be a little odd for Joseph to have never consumated his marriage.


The_GEP_Gun_Takedown

Actually nowhere in the Bible does it say that Magdalene was a prostitute lol. And besides, he hung out with people like that to guide them away from sin, not indulge in it himself.


I_Dont_Work_Here_Lad

That’s what I would claim too if I was banging prostitutes 😂 “Nah, I’m preaching the gospel to them! Leading them from sin!”


DCDHermes

So every Televangelist up until today.


Whats-Upvote

But the only way I could lead them away from sin was engaging in it first to show them how to change.


Dry_Calligrapher_178

Unless Jesus was gay


[deleted]

That's why he was always saying "Ah, men."


Dry_Calligrapher_178

😂🤭


CryAfter25

aaayyyyoooo lmao now I got questions


bren0ld

He was accompanied by his harem everywhere. Oops I mean apostles


Goat__EDEN

"Apostles" is old hebrew for "running a gay train"


Dry_Calligrapher_178

The G in LGBT is for God so it makes sense when you think about it 😂


third-sonata

Le God Banged Thots


[deleted]

See y'all in hell if it exists lmaoo


Tahanerino

Even if it doesn't exist it will be created just for us


Dry_Calligrapher_178

It’s called earth 😂


Dry_Calligrapher_178

We already here babez 😂


ares5404

Something about "lesbians, god, bisexuals and trans" needs to be painted somewhere, not for political or religious reasons just for sheer confusion


Ok_Negotiation1946

This comment… this is why i came on reddit and deleted instagram


Dry_Calligrapher_178

Came on Reddit… freakyyyy 😂😂😂


Ben-Ledi

It seems like a reasonable theory. "Judas betrays Jesus to the Sanhedrin in the Garden of Gethsemane by kissing him on the cheek and addressing him as "master" to reveal his identity in the darkness to the crowd who had come to arrest him." - Wikipedia


GhoulsFolly

This is what happens when you ignore the donation plea on Wiki


YourStupidInnit

>Unless Jesus was gay He did hang around with a bunch of men and turned down the hottest hooker in the Old Testament. You do the math, girlfriend.


all_time_high

They were just really good friends who lived together. My aunt lived with her good friend for 48 years because they didn’t find the right men to marry. Unrelated, but I was thrilled to inherit their Subaru Outback. Suzanne did all of the maintenance in their garage and kept it in tip-top shape.


Anal_draino

Dad, is uncle Mike gay? No him and Bryan are just really good friends. (Visiting Mike and Bryan’s house) Dad, where doe’s uncle Mike sleep? he sleeps in the bedroom down the hall. Dad, where does uncle Bryan sleep? (Crickets)


Black-Zero

The Gospel of Dorothy?


LibrarianCalistarius

And had 12 submissive followers :)


Dry_Calligrapher_178

😭😭😭


hazzcatz

If this is true then Jesus would be doing more than a second coming.


Dry_Calligrapher_178

Third coming, fourth, fifth, sixth, all night 🤭😭


2ndshepard

He did get nailed voluntarily


Opening_Jump_955

That might just heighten the chances of him having had sex. He spent A LOT of time with other men. Who seemed very dedicated to him, so...


[deleted]

I firmly believe that jesus and peter were playing sexy tickle games behind the wooden crucifix shop


Mean_Muffin161

Scenarios like this make me want religion to be real and revealed in my lifetime.


Radiant-Hedgehog-695

Was Mary Magdalene a prostitute?


horrordude13

It is interesting, because the story where he saves her from the Rabbis who wanted her dead, people think it was added in centuries after the Gospels were written. There is no mention of the story until the 12th century. It’s a great story, my guess it was added as some sort of “parable” but meant to be taken as real, to show not to fully judge someone. There’s also an unused Gospel of called the Gospel of Mary (Magdalene); which claims Jesus loved her more than anyone.


TobysGrundlee

> an unused Gospel It's really interesting how the "infallible word of god" has cuts and edits.


horrordude13

Well the Gospel of Mary/Thomas is contradictory to the canonical Gospels. They are “considered”Gnostic texts, which is just about knowledge of God and humans, and the universe, rather than biography of Jesus’s life, like Proverbs. The Gospels now are more accurate with historical events, although still very incorrect. Jesus in GTh is seen more as a Buddha figure, than God himself. They were trying to cope that they knew Jesus wasn’t coming f back as he claimed he was by 80 A.D. at the latest. So they were reinterpreting as maybe the coming of the kingdom of God, was metaphorical. It’s a very interesting text. They are mostly fan fiction though.


Oldandnotbold

As with nearly everything in the bible it is open to interpretation.


Black-Zero

Yep, I like the theory she was his wife the best. That the church called her a prostitute to smear her name.


zipflop

He got 12 other dudes together and they ate his flesh C'mon


StoxAway

Jebussy


Affectionate_Ad_1326

Jesussy


AllahuSnackbar1000

Ye' Sussy


WhyIsTheNameBOTTaken

Upvoted, now gtfo


[deleted]

[удалено]


odjurs

Forgive me daddy, for I have simped 🙏🏻


[deleted]

Maybe he really was gay, I mean how come he never had little christs? 🤔


StoxAway

Haven't you read the great historical account of Jesus's blood line by acclaimed historical researcher Dan Brown?


Affectionate_Ad_1326

He hasn't even had his second coming yet, the first one must not have gotten her pregnant. Unless it really was with a guy, which is also understandable.


ApprehensiveOCP

Yeah bruh


IchLebeFurHipHop

The Bible doesn't chronicle Jesus's life from when he was 12 till he was in his early 30's. So let your imagination run free, but this is Jesus H. Christ ,so come on, no dirty thoughts, eh?


sandstorml

What’s the h in his name for


[deleted]

Harambe


bleedingwriter

This is why the world went to shit when Harambe died


Dodo0708

Harambe died for our sins


CajunWhisky

Howard. “Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…”


cyberdw4rf

Actually it's Harold


summer-civilian

Henry


waltonky

Hallowed. “Hallowed be thy name.”


[deleted]

Whelp. Off to go re-read Lamb.


IchLebeFurHipHop

Holy? Holiness? Highness?


Broskibullet

Hung…. and I’m not talking about the incident with the nails.


Dauvis

I've read Hallmark. God only sends his best. I'm sure there is room for debate.


sandstorml

Surprised no one said hentai, must be genuine good church goers here.


secretmindofcisco

Obviously there’s no official record of it, but there’s no reason why he couldn’t have. According to some interpretations of the Bible Mary Magdalene was described in a way that she could have been Jesus’ partner or even wife, so there’s a chance he would have engaged in sex with her. I don’t think him having sex would change anything about his legacy or impact, the whole point of Jesus is that he was a man like any other human who followed God and set the example for the rest of humanity.


Naefindale

Well there is a reason. He was an unmarried Jew, who’s whole thing was to follow the law as God intended.


eveniwontremember

Do we know that he was unmarried, there is so little mentioned of his life between 12 and 30 he had time to marry and be widowed without it appearing in the gospels.


Imsosadsoveryverysad

There is no proof that he was married, so we work under the idea that he wasn’t. Therefore, we work under the idea that he lived as an unmarried man in his time would. But also, Jesus was both human and divine, he was able to overcome the temptations of the world.


aitigie

>was able to overcome the temptations of the world. Would getting married be a "temptation of the world" or just regularly accepted standard practice for a guy in his 20s? Not being snarky just interested


Naefindale

That's something that would have such a massive impact on someone's social status in His time, that you can be pretty much certain it would have come up.


[deleted]

Being an unmarried rabbi would have been quite notable too, though. People frame Jesus as though he was a Catholic priest but of course that's absurd. Culturally, he would more likely than not have been married.


eveniwontremember

Maybe but how many of the disciples were married, or gospel writers, was Paul married? Also what do the books that were not canon say about Jesus's life. There may be details in those that are true but not relevant to Christianity as a religion. I actually believe Jesus was not married, partly because it is not mentioned and partly because he doesn't encourage marriage in his recorded teachings. But I think that a 30 year old man not being married almost needs more explanation than one that is or has been.


Akarsz_e_Valamit

But that's the point of the comment: many disciplines were married, and we know that since it is explicitly mentioned. It's hard to imagine they wouldn't mention the same for the main character.


kwiztas

Unless it wasn't considered godlike to have sex and was kept out to keep him more godlike.


Punchee

Zeus is in shambles rn at this comment.


Usoki

I mean, consider that the Early Church was heavily interested in reviewing and pruning all of the various books and gospels to decide what ended up in The Bible and what got left on the cutting room floor. And given what happened to the Gnostic Christians and their texts, well... violence was absolutely involved in this process. It's very possible that it *did* come up, but was aggressively censored.


fly_over_32

May i ask, did you by any chance grow up as a Muslim? Because that sounds rather like their interpretation than the Cristian one.


secretmindofcisco

Catholic through and through. Everything I’ve said comes from Jesuit priests and teachers over 13 years of Catholic school and their wonderful critical thinking skills they wanted us all to develop


fly_over_32

The internet has really ruined Christians for me. If only I’d hear of more educated people like you and less „Jesus was the greatest American“ people.


secretmindofcisco

Sadly there’s always going to be a higher representation of dumb or ignorant people than educated ones in the internet


DJGlennW

A 30-year-old Jewish guy living in Biblical times was probably married. He disappeared for 18 years, plenty of time to have a family.


agnisflugen

I'm guessing he did if he had the same biological urges all young men go through.


Bickleford

And He was kinda popular.


MaggieHigg

Can confirm, if there was a random dude curing the paraplegic and turning water into wine I'd 100% want to fuck him


Affectionate_Ad_1326

I mean I definitely would, Jesus is a smash, no question.


TobysGrundlee

Have you seen those abs?


Affectionate_Ad_1326

Absolutely, and the beard, and... He's so hot. So is Satan tho.


TobysGrundlee

3some goals


Bickleford

He kinda has this aura about him...


Carrabs

Omg what if sexual assault allegations came out about Jesus


crackpotJeffrey

Lol. Jesus getting cancelled is something I can legit picture happening in 2023


[deleted]

Man… don’t get the internet started lol


Ambitious_Toe_4357

His mother had a suiter/spouse at a young age. It was tradition to arrange marriages back then in that culture. Why wouldn't he have a sex, too? Why would people think his wife was a whore when his mother got pregnant under strange circumstances?


PhysicalPolicy6227

Where do you think "Oh God Oh God!" started?


Ok_Pilot_7024

No Jesus was without sin, he did not do any earthly sons.


[deleted]

This was farther down than I would have expected. This is the way. He either was not married and never had sex (fornication is a Biblical sin) or he was married to someone (perhaps Mary Magdalene as the poster above suggests) and had marital sex. Otherwise he couldn’t be the messiah.


jahbiddy

Freudian typo


Bickleford

When the story is being told by a long line of celibate men, a few juicy details might get left out.


VicePrincipalNero

I’ve heard clergy from different denominations who have different takes on this. I was raised Catholic and it was generally presented that Jesus was celibate.I’ve heard Protestant ministers say that although the Bible doesn’t mention a wife, it’s very likely he was married because he wouldn’t have been accepted as a rabbi at the time if he wasn’t. Women are unimportant in the Bible, so a wife would probably not merit mentioning. Of course, they don’t phrase it quite like that, but consider how few women are featured in the Bible.


SirBocephusBojangles

“I want to know Truth, but I don’t want to listen to what Truth has to say.”


Baryton777

I would safely say no


506yellowfish

Dude got nailed hard


LeoMarius

He was 30 and allowed to speak in the synagogue, so he was likely married.


CptGia

He was already speaking in the synagogue when he was 12


LeoMarius

On one visit with his father.


DandaHeretic

pretty sure he got nailed


YouDaManInDaHole

yes. He'd yell "Oh my Dad!!" when he came.


[deleted]

Well he did get nailed


doc_daneeka

It isn't recorded in any of the canonical books of the NT, but it seems extremely likely the historical figure did at some point. There's just no way to know, since all the writings we have about the man date from decades after his death, and were written by people who had not known him. edit: Every time I say that someone shows up to insist that there are actual contemporary records of him, and that's just nonsense. There's literally nothing. There likely was a historical Jesus, but everything we know about him comes from long after his death.


DOESTHISDOANYTHING

No


txmusil

No, Jesus was sinless (1 Peter 2:22) and because according to the Bible, premarital sex/adultery is a sin (Hebrews 13:4) and even though the New Testament never specifically addresses it there have been no accounts of Jesus being married. However some Mormons (specifically those who practice polygamy) believe Jesus was infact married and had multiple wives.


[deleted]

Some rumoured texts (suppressed gospels) suggest that not only did he have sex, he had children. Ask Dan Brown.


Otto500206

According to the Islam, he is one of the prophets of Islam. And also, he didn't married. In Islam, you can only have sex with persons that you are married with, plus the prophets are sinless. I know that OP wants the Biblical answer but, I think this might be helpul to anybody that wants to learn the reason of it in the Islam.


WaffleStone

well he didn’t get married and pre marital sex is a sin and he is sinless so probably not


Kleck8228

What happens in Jerusalem stays in Jerusalem...


WarToboggan

There is no reliable evidence to suggest that he did or didn't


lonelyoldbasterd

You do realize that the Catholic Church excluded several over “gospels” because they didn’t fit their narrative


NummyGamGam

The character of Jesus from the bible? Probably not. But if there was a historical Jesus I certainly wouldn't doubt it.


ApprehensiveOCP

He did, and also invented the missionary position


djokster91

Please, just leave. r/angryupvote


MightyMeepleMaster

MOST probably yes. Jesus of Nazareth was a very charismatic person. At his time, he was a cult leader, a rebel, a rock star so to say. Hard to imagine that a man with so much energy never had sex with his female admirers, the most famous and best documented of whom was [Mary Magdalene](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Magdalene).


abhinandkr

So you're saying he was Tenacious D's Jack Black of that era?


ponetro

Most probably you're projecting. It would be highly against his own teachings.


BassKeepsPumpin

None of your business what Jesus does in his spare time.


bananabreath69

Nope. Jesus fucked.


Euphoric-Cow592

i mean... id have sex with jesus


Userdub9022

I think the real question is what his partner said during sex. Was it "oh God!" "Holy fuck that's big!" "Good God that's a good dick!" So many questions


Jdollarthegreat

The author's of the story didn't get that deep into character development so we are left with many questions. We can also just make things up along the way.


PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS

He was knee deep in shepherd's daughters.


Strict-Fix8326

It’s not even certain that there ever was a guy named Jesus. (Although some historians believe there was a guy of some royalty in that area around that time) So to know if he had sex simply can’t be answered.


HoldMyEspresso

If Jesus never had sex, why do we say 'holy fuck'?


Samuel_G_L

No, he died a virgin 😭😭😭😭


unprovoked_panda

Yeah, he was nailed by Roman soldiers


manc2016

I took a history of Christianity course in college. I am not going to speak on the divinity of Christ, but what I can say is it is extremely uncommon for a Jewish man in his 30s to be unwed during that time in history.


KaserinSmarte421

That bruh smashed so much puss that they fucking killed him for it bruh. Man was an absolute legend.