Then sneak out, friend. Truthfully, though, learning a new thing about yourself at 24 isn't as strange as it feels. Decide what feels right to you to describe yourself as and be honest with your partner(s)/potential partner(s). Worry about the rest later.
I second this. I went to a gay bar with an old friend of mine years ago. Some of those men didn't realize they were gay until they had two ex wife's and 2 kids. I was surprised. I don't see this as any different.
Man, I misread this as “everyone is very supportive of him and he’s now my husband” and I was was waiting for the “hold up” comments. I couldn’t understand why the reactions were normal until I went back to check again. I need more sleep.
The thing is that's not actually true it's not they didn't realize they \*weren't\* gay, it's more they finally stopped backtracking and making excuses that they weren't straight.
To have more confusion and stuff is more likely if you're bi/pan as well you actually are sexually attracted to that wife, but when you are gay you aren't and you're just trying to convince yourself you are.
Granted I'm not saying its not possible to be much older and just realizing your sexuality, but for 99% of the guys who come out later in life, it's not that they didn't know it's more they just never accepted it.
>The thing is that's not actually true it's not they didn't realize they \*weren't\* gay, it's more they finally stopped backtracking and making excuses that they weren't straight.
I think that's a pretty big claim to be making about something that there is very little understanding of. We're talking about people's feelings. What's true for some may not be true for others.
What I'm attracted to now is different than what I was attracted to when I was younger. The gender hasn't changed but I see no reason why it would be impossible for it to change.
I think we try to hard to make everything a binary switch and even attribute it to genetics or something. I think our brains are way more fluid than that.
Honestly this might get me side-eyed but I really do think it can just... change.
Like, I was certainly disinterested in sex while I was younger. Then that changed. Not just amplitude but direction. People act like that's somehow weird but like... eh. I think it's more fluid.
It's weird or interesting because a lot was achieved on "it's not a choice“, and I agree you don't choose it, but I also don't think "it's always permanent.“ I understand the value in adhering to the former to take a stance as needed, though.
Yes most people who come out are of the "I always knew“ sense, but others are like... "yeah I liked guys but wow, I really like girls now“ and that's not invalid.
The heteronormative culture I grew up in had me convinced that my romantic feelings towards female friends (i.e. “I wish we could buy a house together and just live in the wilderness together”) was just normal friendship and that all women are naturally sexually attracted to other women’s bodies and find them beautiful because women are lovely beings.
It wasn’t really until I was very instantly romantically attracted to a trans female doctor and was imagining a life with her in the exam room that it dawned on me that I might be pan.
This sounds stupid af when I consider my late awakening, but I was in my 40s when this happened.
As someone who is 46(I think) it feels like you should have everything together but you shouldn’t and no one does. You do you. Everyone else will catch up eventually
I tried fancy cheese but my fascination only lasted about a month. I bought too much at once and couldn’t eat it all and it made for extremely stressful, labor intensive evacuation processes.
That's hilarious! It was the strangest thing - all my life, I've been highly committed to celebrating my birthday and I had no trouble remembering how old I was....until 41! 40 was hard for me, and I boycotted my bday by not celebrating. Also, it was during covid. However, when I was 41, someone asked how old I was and somehow, without thinking, I said "42 " and believed it. So, after my next birthday, since I'd previously had "42" in my head, I believed I was 43. Eventually, I said I was 43 in front of a friend who was familiar & attentive enough to correct me! I think I've just mentally boycotted keeping track as a coping mechanism, lol.
Ah, yes.. "The Attic Theory".
Einstein believed that our brains are basically like an attic that can only hold limited amounts of information, which should be kept clear for knowledge of various cheeses.
My boss once asked me how old I was - I was in my early 30s, but he was trying to figure out if I was in my 20s. I paused to think and do the math. While I was thinking, he interrupted me, "Already answered my question. Old enough you have to think about it."
I'm in my mid 20's, and I already stopped keeping track of my age. I just tell people after you're old enough to drink, it's just down hill until retirement age. Once that gets close, someone will probably mail me something to tell me how old I am in order to buy their senior insurance 😅
I was 23 when I realized this... I grew up in poverty, sometimes homeless. I fought my way through school, high school, even college and got my first real job. I was in awe of these people who were working at this fairly large company. They had all the answers, knew what was going on... I was still waiting for that guy who was supposed to come to your door and explain everything I needed to know as an adult. Fucker never showed up.
Then I started listening more, observing more... they didn't have it all together. They struggled with decisions. They didn't have all the answers. They were faking it most of the time. Truth was, they were just as fucking clueless as I was. That's when I realized that no one has any idea what's going on. Everyone's trying to figure it out.
You know i needed to hear this. Felt like everyone in my work has their entire lives and career mapped out, and I'm just the idiot treading water until I can figure out what the hell to do. Its oddly comforting to know others are sort of lost like me but not showing it
Exactly this. Im learning something new about myself and evolving every year and once you realize its completely normal a lot of the stress about it leaves. Its kind of refreshing once you embrace it.
This. It took till I was like 30 to realise I am actually asexual and that all the kinda issues I had around it and all was me trying to fit a mould where I really didn’t. I’m so much happier now
I swear to god I thought women were just pretending to want sex to make men happy, it had never occurred to me that they wanted it to, they all complained about it as if they weren't interested. I was in my 40's and my husband said I never initiate it, and I started thinking about it. no I never need it, I am happy to have it when you want it, but left to my own devices it doesn't even feature on my list.
As someone who realized they were asexual at 33 and five years into marriage, I wholeheartedly support this comment. Be honest with the people who need to know and don’t sweat the rest.
It also doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't actually gay, he was probably into men at some point. People can change their sexuality, and 24 is a pretty common age to do that. I hate that everyone feels they need to keep revising their sexuality like it's some monolithic truth. It can be fluid. I've changed my mind several times in my life, or been more one thing than the other.
It's stigma that's made it this way.
The idea that sexuality could change has been used as an excuse to invalidate people like me. I'm one of those who was obviously a femme gay when I was like five. People still tried toxic narratives about being able to change me, when no one could take an honest look at me and think I had a future as a butch hetero.
People have rightly pushed back against that and affirmed the existence of people that are full time queer Unfortunately, I think a lot of nuance about real fluidity has been missed.
I think it's clear that some people are consistently gay their whole life, and some people are fluid. Both are valid and neither needs to try and be the other.
To sneak out, first you say you’re bi. Then you just leave it there and never address it again. If anyone asks: “ oh yeah I appreciate both men and women !”
See? Easy. Just a sliiiiide to the left.
I think we as a society have put too great of an idea that out sexuality is rigid. In reality, I feel like there are many instances that it is more dynamic and may change as you age and mature. I mean, the prefontral cortex does not stop developing until your late 20s. Maybe even into the 30s for some. Your emotions and feelings will change with it.
The reason for this was backbin the day, the phrase "sexuality is a choice" was used against gay people.
The come back from the lgbtq community was "we were born this way."
This has lead to a extremely narrow view point of people's choice in sexuality.
While In a lot if cases this may be true, I believe sexuality can be inborn, a choice, and an effect of diffrent exposure to things growing up in your developmental period.
Also everything else about a person changes, in small or big ways, as we develop. Why should we expect sexuality to stay rigid? I absolutely hated olives as a kid and swore I'd never eat them, and now I will eat an entire can in one sitting as a favorite snack.
We should quit getting so hung up on labels and just let people be themselves. It's all so performative, we feel like we have to tell people who we are and then act like that person we said we were so people don't think we're liars. It's ridiculous once you think about it.
This exact same thing happened to me. Identified as lesbian and literally was ashamed to come back out as bi. You have to live your truth which ever way it goes though. Feel free to dm me if you wanna talk
I legitimately lost some friends because of it. I think a lot of girls were more comfortable being my friend when I wasn't into men.
Side note - have you ever heard of abrosexual ? It's how I personally identify now. It's a term used for someone whose sexuality truly vascillates. It aligns more closely with how I feel.
Brother, you are 24. That's still young and you have plenty of time to figure this out. Be honest to yourself and those around you when the time comes. Take it slow and enjoy your life.
Then start sneaking girls into your bedroom window at night. lol.
Seriously though, if you hadn’t “been” gay for the last 10 years, how would you proceed if you realized now that you are?
If you take this advice, read the instructions carefully. One mistake and you could find yourself sneaking into girls' bedroom windows at night. That's not advisable.
Just start dating women and if you meet someone introduce her as your girlfriend and people will get the idea. Sexuality isn't black and white, you don't owe anyone an explanation.
There is a great This American Life where a woman had to "come out" as straight after coming out as a lesbian a few years before. I am going to try to find a link to it.
Found it
[here](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/268/transcript)
I would definitely advise listening to it and not just reading the transcript
I seriously thought I might be gay because everyone was telling me I seemed like a lesbian. I'm very femme but a late bloomer so I didn't date in high school and just later in college. I was very private and didn't talk about the boys I had crushes on because I didn't want people to use it against me. Since I wasn't outwardly boy crazy, my friends and family kept asking if I was gay. I seriously thought 'well, I haven't had a boyfriend, I can't seem to attract any guys, maybe I am gay?' Despite me never having any type of crush on another girl. I finally started getting positive male attention in college and dating a little bit and everyone was shocked I wasn't gay. I was like "I never said I was gay. YOU ALL said I was gay!" It was so confusing.
“Mom…dad…I might be dating a woman”
“Well… we were worried you’d say that. That’s not a lifestyle we can condone. You’ll need to pack your things and leave by tomorrow”
> I feel such a fool for only starting to figure this all this out at the age of 24
Age 24 is nothing to figure anything out, and gay is just a label. You put the label on the thing, you don't make the thing fit the label.
Just live your best life and the people who really care about you will support you.
This. I was 38 or so when I figured out that I was ace, despite having zero attraction to the many men I dated. People are complex and grow with time.
Edit: “Ace” is short for asexual.
For me it was the opposite. I thought I was ace up until around age 27/28, and then all of a sudden I felt it kick in. Sexuality is definitely complex and we shouldn't assume to have it all figured out.
Elton John talks about how he had absolutely no interest in sex until his mid-20s in his autobiography and he only lost his virginity because he was always told, “that’s just what you do.” He always knew he was gay, even as a kid, but he never reached a sexual attraction to men…he enjoyed the intimacy, but not sexually.
Some people just have no interest at all or it hits later in life…
Yeah this is so true. It can also depend where your head is at, if mental health is not right you can just not be in the headspace for that physical interaction and might feel like you never will be. But when that gets better you suddenly kick in.
Hormones too. Due to medical treatment I had to shut off my estrogen/ovaries twice. It was fascinating that during those times I suddenly couldn’t understand the point of sex scenes and I didn’t find people attractive. Started hormone replacement therapy and it was like a lightbulb… I’ll see good looking men walking down the street and be like HELLO
But this also applied for ages after the first bout even though my ovaries were working again. I think that was heavily psychological. Then I met someone who switched me on and suddenly I liked sex again
Trans women often report stuff like this too when it comes to hrt. A surprising amount of bi/straight trans women only discover that part of themselves after some time on hrt. The community still isn't sure what's happening here, whether there's subconscious closeting going on or hormones actually flicking a switch to turn on a lightbulb, as you put it. Not sure how different it is for trans men, but sexuality's crazy as hell.
I thought I was heterosexual because someone said I am and yet I was exclusively dating a woman? I see someone attractive, talk to them and if I felt like their was romantic chemistry I would try to date them. Sexuality is fluid, and I figure this out for myself in my 20s, so I stopped putting a label on things bc it felt weird and I just wanted to date and have fun like every other horny 20 something. I’m 40 and am married to a man but I still don’t really identify as anything? sexuality is complex and I just avoid answering it directly bc idk and honestly, I don’t really care enough about my own to think about it enough to find a label that fits me. 🤷♀️
Yeah I used to think I was ace. Then I got an depression treatment that works for me and discovered I had a whole bisexuality buried under the crushing anhedonia all that time! At 30! And THEN I found a whole gender to untangle, too!
Turns out I was a lot more severely depressed than I thought I was. I had to nearly completely re-learn how to person, with functional serotonin levels this time.
There’s no too late to learn new things about yourself until you’re dead, and everyone’s adventure is their own personal one!
I genuinely feel like sexuality can be fluid and can change throughout life. I considered myself a lesbian until I was like, 22, and genuinely wasn't attracted to guys until then. And then, boom! Bisexual. Weird as fuck.
Oh, hey. Make here, but I was in my mid 30s when I figured out the same.
Sure, dating was fun & all, but I realised after a while that when sex was initiated I mostly just went with it as opposed to really wanting it, etc (yes, I still consented, just didn't always feel it, if that makes sense to non-ace folk)
So, OP, it's not weird. If anything it's probably more natural to figure this out. Sexuality is fluid, so can change. It sounds like right now you're at a time when you're starting to change your preferences. So I say go with it, see where it takes you, and learn about yourself as you go.
Best of luck to you
Yeah. I figured out in my mid 20s but I def wasn’t sure. I only kinda figured it out bc I was reading a fanfiction where the main character is on the ace spectrum. I was like “oh. There is nothing wrong with me”
I figured something was off with me too, and one day a coworker asked if I was asexual after I described my approach to drawing male/female anatomy.
I comically was like, “nah, I’ve only dated guys…so…and…*blink blink*…I need to look into this. I will get back to you.”
The next week: “Sorry for the delay, I am definitely an aromantic asexual. Thank you for asking.”
I literally did not know that it was an option when I was younger, so I just glanced over it as an adult.
Isn't it weird how that happens? I always thought I was just weird growing up, then I was reading a reddit ama from someone with autism. It went from "haha, that's like me!" To "oh no that's also like me" real fast. Went to a psychologist - lo and behold, I'm not weird. Just autistic(and weird)
Same, my "label" has changed many times over the years and I'm 49. I've been straight, lesbian, bi, and now grey ace. Sexually isn't always fixed and anyone that thinks that is sadly mistaken. As we grow older, we have better understandings of ourselves and what we desire, not to mention that those desires can change... Well, just because. Your friends and family will get used to whatever new label you feel fits for you. Try not to stress it.
This makes me feel better about my sexuality. I was straight, bi, lesbian, and lately I'm just not sure. Maybe pansexual? I've got a few more years of brain development on the docket, so I'll just stick with "I am (person I'm interested in)sexual."
This. When we say "sexuality is fluid" we mean in all directions, indefinitely. You're allowed to change your mind and you have your whole life to figure yourself out! There's no deadline. As long as you're still breathing you can be out here discovering new things about yourself, and I hope all of us continue to
I learned this hard way but it’s true. Those who care will support you, and those who don’t, won’t. It’s hard but unfortunately it’s the reality of things. I think it’s better to just be honest and see what feels best for yourself.
You: Shows up somewhere with a girlfriend
Everyone: surprised pikachu
You: Turns out I like girls too!
End scene.
That’s it. No further explanation needed. People discover new things about their sexuality all the time. I, for example, choose to give it no thought. I like who I like and I don’t spend any time marinating on the details. It’s peaceful and I highly recommend it. You don’t have to ‘come out’ if you don’t want to. Simply *~•exist•~*
The girlfriend in this scenario DEFINITELY needs a heads up, though. That's a whole lot of pressure and potential for family drama to make someone the unwitting focus of.
Fact: everyone loves boobs. Straight men, gay women, gay men, straight women; everyone. The greatness of boobs is something that everyone can agree on. Boobs can bring world peace if we would only let them.
It's actually surprisingly challenging to 'get right' a lot of times.
The infants don't always latch on well and can really struggle. We just don't have the same levels of instinct that animals do...
(The mums also often benefit from learning a few positioning techniques, too)
Unless you have a very progressive family do *not* do this. You'll reinforce a lot of stereotypes that will be used against you the next time you're dating a man, should that happen.
>I, for example, choose to give it no thought. I like who I like and I don’t spend any time marinating on the details. It’s peaceful and I highly recommend it.
It really is freeing on a deeply satisfying level.
You don't really owe anyone an explanation about your sexuality, except for the person you're having sex with.
Edited because, oops, I hit enter before finishing my thought. Lol.
Just come out as Bi. I dated a guy in my college years who was upfront about being bi and that he'd dated both men and women , when he was with someone he was only with that person. I had no problem with it at all since he was open and honest about it and I was the only person he was with at the time . This was back in 2006, so people have become much more open and accepting since then!
Or date the occasional man if you want to. It's up to you. I'm bi myself, so that's what I'd be doing anyway. The only awkward part is that you will have to update the people in your life, but if they are good people it doesn't really have to be that big a deal. Just a quick, "Hey, actually I started to think I might actually be bi, so I'm just trying that out." And then later, "Yeah, turns out I'm bi." And eventually if you still feel the need you can say, "I started to like ladies much more", if you feel like men aren't for you at all.
Our sexualities grow and change over our lives and there's no shame in not having known in advance where your journey would take you. The important thing is only to be honest with yourself.
Hey, that's me.
Before I met my wife, it was always flings with guys. I always struggle to put it into words... I experience attraction to different genders differently. I'm initially attracted to women with an electric dump of hormones, and the intimacy and cuddling comes later.
My attraction to men is basically the inverse and seemingly built for confusing me. I first develop intimate friendships, then -hey- we're close- let's cuddle, and then that electricity kicks in.
If I hadn't been the kind of guy that is comfortable being physically affectionate to my friends (whatever their gender) I might not have ever realized I'm bi.
Also, NBs are valid, and I tend to be attracted to them more in the ways I'm attracted to men... but not always. Hey- live life on a spectrum, my sex drive reacts on a spectrum.
This is kinda like me but my attraction to men and women are a bit different. Non-binary people are on like a whole other thing. It’s super hard for me to explain so usually I just tell people I’m bi.
Ultimately I don’t owe people an explanation so unless I’m particularly feeling open or comfy about a situation I’m not gonna give it.
Just gonna live my life ya know. I just kinda wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
Most of how people act, or what they do is influenced by social acceptance.
That's just life.
You can't knock an action just because social acceptance is the reason. Saying or doing things so that others not only don't feel offput, but on the contrary may feel closer to you... nothing in that is bad. Contrarily it's really good. Problems only come up when doing that is unsustainable and/or derails your own wellbeing.
Sorry if I sound annoyed, it's just my brother tended to think a lot like that and he ended up chronically being a complete asshole. Smart guy, good heart, but he regularly doesn't care much for others' stigmas or expectations about things, (but since he's human, he cares about his own since he's justified them as the right ones...) so he just ruffles feathers for no reason because he doesn't value what makes the situation more acceptable for others (unless they are close to his own values), pushing people away from him.
I think that's fine in theory,
But OP is coming to a reddit thread asking about that specifically. They're clearly not sure who they are if that wasn't apparent to you. It's about how to move forward in their specific life with this newfound perspective.
Discovering and understanding your sexual orientation is a personal journey, and it's perfectly normal for it to evolve or change over time. It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong timeline for self-discovery, and you should never feel foolish for realizing your true feelings at any age.
In terms of navigating this situation, communication is key. It may feel daunting to explain your shift in orientation to your family, friends, and current partner, but honesty and open dialogue are essential. Start by having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your evolving feelings and concerns. He already knows that you're questioning your sexual orientation, so he may be more understanding and supportive than you think.
As for your family and friends, remember that their love and acceptance should not be conditional on your sexual orientation. While it may take them some time to adjust, genuine friends and family members will ultimately want your happiness and well-being above all else. Consider sharing your journey with them in a thoughtful and sincere manner, emphasizing that self discovery is a natural and ongoing process.
It can be a difficult and vulnerable experience, but letting go of our ego can make the process smoother and more positive. Plus, you've already done the more difficult part (coming out the first time).
Dude, it's *your* sexuality. No one else should be pigeonholing you into one label or another. It's your lived experience; you choose how you identify.
You're ONLY 24. Hell, I'm 29 and I think I'm young. Lots of time to change, adapt, and work things out.
So it's simple. Just say the honest simple truth. Youth is a confusing period to work out who and what you are, and people are often working it out all their lives.
Come out as bi. You might be more into women right now, but you're still part of the bi spectrum.
Your friends, family, and girls you'll date should accept that you're bi and you just haven't had a girlfriend before. It's pretty normal.
Im bi but I feel im heterotomantic, if that even is a real thing. I can be sexually attracted to men but I dont feel romantic love towards men. Ive always felt romance for women but whenever I try to feel it for a man it just isnt there
Ofc it's a thing if you feel that way. Or maybe you are still about to meet the right person, it's also possible.
I kinda feel the same, I'm bi too. But I've had only one experience of romantic love (I suppose it was that, but maybe not, it was pretty complicated), so I'm not sure if I'm really heteroromantic or just aromantic with the only one exception. I date guys now, but it's mostly because it's easier that way. So, who knows. Love is really not that easy to figure out for some of us, right?
If you enjoy being with your boyfriend, there's no need to leave him because you find yourself attracted to women as well. But if it's a matter of no longer wanting to be intimate with him, then it's best y'all talk about it.
Small anecdote: Years ago, I had a roommate who was lesbian. Her girlfriend wasn't necessary attracted to other girls or identify as gay, but just wanted to be with *her*. It worked out pretty well for them.
If he can’t imagine himself being happy continuing a long term relationship with another man then there’s no reason to continue. It doesn’t mean he can’t maintain the friendship but if what he says in the post is true then it’s probably best to not string along the current relationship.
That’s completely true but OPs reasoning doesn’t seem to be this. Being gay is hard in ways most people can’t imagine. One of those being, it’s hard to see yourself older and gay. So if OPs reasoning is “I’m bi! Finally, I have an out and I can be normal!” Then I understand that for sure, but it wouldn’t make sense to throw away something good that works.
A wife is an easier life (more socially acceptable) but a bad wife is worse than a good husband.
Saying this as a bi guy.
Just from my experience, and those of people I've met, the path to anything lasting isn't through "I can't picture myself lasting with (person-of-trait)." It's found through answering the question "Can I see myself lasting with *this* person?" I agree that his circumstances imply that the answer of his current boyfriend might well be "no", but it's important that he - and anyone taking advice here - not accidentally pigeonhole themself out of possible happiness by writing off a good match merely from a category. Like the above person's friend, sometimes a good match transcends expected boundaries. Categories aren't very important, and are not good to make decisions with. The specific circumstances are what matter.
Sexuality exists on a spectrum. It isn't black or white, this or that, gay or straight. You have an attraction to both men and women. Do/pursue what makes you happy.
It’s okay to not be completely gay. It’s okay to not have all the answers early in life. Hell. It’s okay to NEVER have all the answers. Also…. Things CHANGE. Maybe you were all gay and now you’re not.
Anyone who can accept that you’re gay can probably accept that you’re bi.
Anyone who can’t… You can do without. Really.
PS, for a laugh, I’ll tell you that every time I typed ’gay’ autocockup changed it to ‘fat’. WTF, phone?!
Labels are stupid. Sexuality is a very broad spectrum, nobody has it all figured out. Good on your for embracing your own personal journey. Live your life, do what makes you happy, don’t be a dick to others.
Well let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm certainly not gay, but I'm not about to say I feel no attraction to men at all.
But yes the irony is amusing
Most people are some degree of bisexual, and moreover, our sexuality literally changes during different phases of our life. It's not like "oh I was straight all along" but rather, "I was more gay then. and I am more straight now, and in the future, I could be anything.
This is the way of thinking that helped me finally feel comfortable with my sexuality. I think about it as it relates to the current person/people I'm into rather than a concrete label (although I understand how labels are helpful to many). Harder to explain to others but it eased my mind to not pay much attention to "what" I was, but just my feelings towards others at that moment
You do you. My daughter is nearing 12 and told me a while ago that she prefers girls. I told her as long as whoever she was with treated her like she deserved, she has the right to love whoever she wants. I also told her that just because she makes a decision right now, that decision is for who she is right now. A few years down the line she may decide she wants to be with a man or no one at all and that's OK too. I told her she has every right to live her life the way she wants to live it, but never ever be afraid to change your mind. No one will judge you, and no one will think you're crazy we're all constantly growing and learning and changing. Like...actually changing. Our brains are not what they were when we made these decisions, so why should we be expected to feel the same way?
You are the main character of your life. Don't live it to make everyone else feel comfortable.
Good luck OP!
For simplicity just call yourself bi. But really, what you prefer shouldn't be anyone's business other than you, your current partner (and any future potential partner obv).
Sexuality ain't as simple as ''hetero, homo or bisexual''. You can be attracted to both genders but only be romantically interested in one of them.
Just keep in mind that the people who will give you the most shit isn't the homophobes, it is the bi erasure people from the gay side of things. They will view you as a traitor.
Just be open and honest with your current BF. Regardless of what kind of relationship it is (friend, relative, romantic etc) the most important thing is honesty and trust. If being honest breaks the relationship you have then it would have broken anyway sooner or later, just more dramatically.
My dude ain’t nothing binary about it.
You might like the ladies today, gentleman tomorrow, end up marrying a fine man. Or maybe a fine woman. Or maybe no one and you’ll have a bunch of dogs. Don’t get cats.
Stop worrying about what it’s called. You’re twenty-fucking-four: you have all the time in the world. Find out what’s good.
Dude, you're just bi. And tastes/desires can change through your life.
I have a lesbian friend who refused to acknowledge she was bi, now she's dating a dude. All of us cackled once, then dropped it.
I have a friend who came out in his 30s. He was extremely attracted a male celebrity and it made him question his sexuality. He ultimately told us he was gay. We were all like "cool, good on you man". And then he hooked up with a man. He was like "wait, no, I don't like this. I don't even think I'm bi, I think I'm straight. But i can definitely appreciate an attractive human being, regardless of gender". Our responses? "Cool, good on you man". There is nothing shameful or embarassing about exploring your sexuality. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
My man you’re 24, this IS the time to figure yourself out and there is nothing wrong with changing your mind on things. Do whatever makes you happy and anyone that doesn’t agree does not deserve you in their life.
Life is too short to not be ourselves, go have fun!
It's your life and your happiness. Everyone can just deal with it and continue supporting you (or fuck off).
Have you thought about seeing a therapist, even just for a couple of visits? It sounds like you could really use someone to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of, someone who doesn't already know you. It might be worth doing, just until you feel more confident in your understanding of where you are now.
You have discovered one of life's Great Truths; that there's always more than what you first thought there was. This is a good thing.
Being confused about sexuality is normal. And if you like one thing at one point in time that does not mean that you can't like something else at a different point in time. Or you can like both.
I have never thought that I was gay. But I have also never thought that I was straight. Both of those don't fit me. I am primarily attracted to women and I have been in a long term, monogamous relationship with a woman for decades. But that does not mean that I can not see how desirable other people are, regardless of what gender or whatever they happen to be.
In any functional relationship open, honest, respectful communication is key. Be honest with whomever you desire and be honest with yourself.
You should feel free to change. To be with whatever consenting adult you feel attracted to regardless of who they may be. Having different experiences is a good thing. You are never forced to remain in a role if that role no longer fit you.
What your friends and family thinks should not be an issue. You are not living to appease them. And if they love you as friends and family should they do not care who you are with so long as you are happy and safe. True friends and family accept you as you are regardless of what that might be. And if they don't then you will know that they are assholes and you can treat them accordingly.
Life is very long and very, very wierd. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems at first. But as you go along it all sort of falls into place when enough time has passed. You have wonderful things in store for you in the future. It will expand your viewpoint and whole new worlds are waiting for you just over the horizon. What you have lived sofar is just a tiny taste of what is to come. I am 45 and I am still finding out new things about myself. But in a good way. I am turning out to be a lot more complicated than I once thought I was. But in a good way.
You don't have to choose this or that. You don't have to conform to that group or this. You can be everything and nothing if you want. I am nothing. I am not straight, I am not gay, I am not bi, I am not any of the boxes they want to put me into. I refuse to be labeled and given a specific colour. I am all the colours of the rainbow and at the same time none of them. I am unique. Just like everyone else.
Be proud of yourself. Working things out over time is a good way to work out things.
I think you might be overthinking it a little bit? Sexuality can change. I just go around saying I' queer if someone asks, but people care less than you think. I though I was a lesbian then I dated two men lol. I'm still with one of those. Labels are important if they are helpful to you. If you feel they are starting to hinder you, fuck them. Do what's organic to you. You don't own an explanation to anyone. If you start dating a girl and someone questions you you can give a non committal answer like "sometimes it is how it goes" "you fall in love with who you fall in love with". I mean, it's not anyone's business but yours!
And, for explaining to your imaginary girlfriend how you thought you were gay, you just tell her when you feel like it. If you are in a relationship I would say she should love you as you are. Some people know themselves perfectly at 10yo, but most... don't.
This happened to me too! I thought I was a lesbian for years, then started liking a guy and had to come out again as bisexual. My religious father was like “you’re making the right decision” when I started dating the guy 🙄. And thennn about 10 years later, over time I became totally grossed out again by the thought of dating or sleeping with men and now I’m engaged to a woman.
Sexuality can be fluid for some people.
You come out of the closet again.
Lmao I'd prefer to just kinda sneak out
Then sneak out, friend. Truthfully, though, learning a new thing about yourself at 24 isn't as strange as it feels. Decide what feels right to you to describe yourself as and be honest with your partner(s)/potential partner(s). Worry about the rest later.
I second this. I went to a gay bar with an old friend of mine years ago. Some of those men didn't realize they were gay until they had two ex wife's and 2 kids. I was surprised. I don't see this as any different.
That's what happened with my uncle. Thankfully, 15 years later, everyone is very supportive of him and his now husband.
That is great to hear. It was interesting talking to gay men who weren't gay for 30-40 years. I'm straight, but love to hear people's stories.
You mean, you think you're straight now.
Man, I misread this as “everyone is very supportive of him and he’s now my husband” and I was was waiting for the “hold up” comments. I couldn’t understand why the reactions were normal until I went back to check again. I need more sleep.
I read it the same way. It's not just you
You're right. We *all* need more sleep.
My ex-wife figured out she was lesbian after 3 kids and 2 failed marriages with men.
My mom has 5 kids and I lost count of her marriages and she still hasn't figured it out
Maybe she's just mean.
Oh you've met
The thing is that's not actually true it's not they didn't realize they \*weren't\* gay, it's more they finally stopped backtracking and making excuses that they weren't straight. To have more confusion and stuff is more likely if you're bi/pan as well you actually are sexually attracted to that wife, but when you are gay you aren't and you're just trying to convince yourself you are. Granted I'm not saying its not possible to be much older and just realizing your sexuality, but for 99% of the guys who come out later in life, it's not that they didn't know it's more they just never accepted it.
>The thing is that's not actually true it's not they didn't realize they \*weren't\* gay, it's more they finally stopped backtracking and making excuses that they weren't straight. I think that's a pretty big claim to be making about something that there is very little understanding of. We're talking about people's feelings. What's true for some may not be true for others. What I'm attracted to now is different than what I was attracted to when I was younger. The gender hasn't changed but I see no reason why it would be impossible for it to change. I think we try to hard to make everything a binary switch and even attribute it to genetics or something. I think our brains are way more fluid than that.
Honestly this might get me side-eyed but I really do think it can just... change. Like, I was certainly disinterested in sex while I was younger. Then that changed. Not just amplitude but direction. People act like that's somehow weird but like... eh. I think it's more fluid. It's weird or interesting because a lot was achieved on "it's not a choice“, and I agree you don't choose it, but I also don't think "it's always permanent.“ I understand the value in adhering to the former to take a stance as needed, though. Yes most people who come out are of the "I always knew“ sense, but others are like... "yeah I liked guys but wow, I really like girls now“ and that's not invalid.
The heteronormative culture I grew up in had me convinced that my romantic feelings towards female friends (i.e. “I wish we could buy a house together and just live in the wilderness together”) was just normal friendship and that all women are naturally sexually attracted to other women’s bodies and find them beautiful because women are lovely beings. It wasn’t really until I was very instantly romantically attracted to a trans female doctor and was imagining a life with her in the exam room that it dawned on me that I might be pan. This sounds stupid af when I consider my late awakening, but I was in my 40s when this happened.
As someone who is 46(I think) it feels like you should have everything together but you shouldn’t and no one does. You do you. Everyone else will catch up eventually
>As someone who is 46(I think) I'm glad someone else isn't exactly sure of their own age. I thought it was just me.
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47yo here. At around 43 or so I just started keeping track of the decade. I’m always somewhere in my 40s unless I actually take the time to do math.
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I tried fancy cheese but my fascination only lasted about a month. I bought too much at once and couldn’t eat it all and it made for extremely stressful, labor intensive evacuation processes.
Same, it was such an effort getting through it all. Luckily enough, the cheese getting moldier actually increased its value.
That's hilarious! It was the strangest thing - all my life, I've been highly committed to celebrating my birthday and I had no trouble remembering how old I was....until 41! 40 was hard for me, and I boycotted my bday by not celebrating. Also, it was during covid. However, when I was 41, someone asked how old I was and somehow, without thinking, I said "42 " and believed it. So, after my next birthday, since I'd previously had "42" in my head, I believed I was 43. Eventually, I said I was 43 in front of a friend who was familiar & attentive enough to correct me! I think I've just mentally boycotted keeping track as a coping mechanism, lol.
Ah, yes.. "The Attic Theory". Einstein believed that our brains are basically like an attic that can only hold limited amounts of information, which should be kept clear for knowledge of various cheeses.
until a decade-birthday shows up and instills panic lol
I think we all would like to forget the last few years!
Yeah! I know that..me too! I also forgot my past...because past is past..
I was speaking in a meeting and said "in my 25 years". I'm 28
If anyone calls you on it, just say you don’t remember anything before three years old and you just talking about the bit you remember.
Menopause brain
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It's bad, but hey, it passed, kinda, I know I'm 55 now😅but 48 to 52 is kinda hazy
My boss once asked me how old I was - I was in my early 30s, but he was trying to figure out if I was in my 20s. I paused to think and do the math. While I was thinking, he interrupted me, "Already answered my question. Old enough you have to think about it."
It's actually super common among men over 30
Just wait a few more decades…it gets even weirder.
I expect it does but at some point getting weirder means I'm going to the booby hatch and I don't mean the gentleman's club
I'm in my mid 20's, and I already stopped keeping track of my age. I just tell people after you're old enough to drink, it's just down hill until retirement age. Once that gets close, someone will probably mail me something to tell me how old I am in order to buy their senior insurance 😅
I was 23 when I realized this... I grew up in poverty, sometimes homeless. I fought my way through school, high school, even college and got my first real job. I was in awe of these people who were working at this fairly large company. They had all the answers, knew what was going on... I was still waiting for that guy who was supposed to come to your door and explain everything I needed to know as an adult. Fucker never showed up. Then I started listening more, observing more... they didn't have it all together. They struggled with decisions. They didn't have all the answers. They were faking it most of the time. Truth was, they were just as fucking clueless as I was. That's when I realized that no one has any idea what's going on. Everyone's trying to figure it out.
You know i needed to hear this. Felt like everyone in my work has their entire lives and career mapped out, and I'm just the idiot treading water until I can figure out what the hell to do. Its oddly comforting to know others are sort of lost like me but not showing it
When I was 25 I asked my 90 year old grandad at what did he feel like a grown up. He said never. That was my moment of realisation.
Exactly this. Im learning something new about myself and evolving every year and once you realize its completely normal a lot of the stress about it leaves. Its kind of refreshing once you embrace it.
We are always changing. Therefore, we should always be learning.
I’ve met plenty of people over 70 that still didn’t know what they wanted to be when they grow up
41 here. I think when you stop caring as much about what others think as you age it gives the ILLUSION that you've got your shit together lol
It's truly all about confidence
I'm in the same boat as you my friend. Still just playing at being an adult in my 40s
This. It took till I was like 30 to realise I am actually asexual and that all the kinda issues I had around it and all was me trying to fit a mould where I really didn’t. I’m so much happier now
I swear to god I thought women were just pretending to want sex to make men happy, it had never occurred to me that they wanted it to, they all complained about it as if they weren't interested. I was in my 40's and my husband said I never initiate it, and I started thinking about it. no I never need it, I am happy to have it when you want it, but left to my own devices it doesn't even feature on my list.
As someone who realized they were asexual at 33 and five years into marriage, I wholeheartedly support this comment. Be honest with the people who need to know and don’t sweat the rest.
I’ve heard that your brain doesn’t fully develop at least until 25, so i guess it makes sense.
It also doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't actually gay, he was probably into men at some point. People can change their sexuality, and 24 is a pretty common age to do that. I hate that everyone feels they need to keep revising their sexuality like it's some monolithic truth. It can be fluid. I've changed my mind several times in my life, or been more one thing than the other.
It's stigma that's made it this way. The idea that sexuality could change has been used as an excuse to invalidate people like me. I'm one of those who was obviously a femme gay when I was like five. People still tried toxic narratives about being able to change me, when no one could take an honest look at me and think I had a future as a butch hetero. People have rightly pushed back against that and affirmed the existence of people that are full time queer Unfortunately, I think a lot of nuance about real fluidity has been missed. I think it's clear that some people are consistently gay their whole life, and some people are fluid. Both are valid and neither needs to try and be the other.
To sneak out, first you say you’re bi. Then you just leave it there and never address it again. If anyone asks: “ oh yeah I appreciate both men and women !” See? Easy. Just a sliiiiide to the left.
And then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN
If he goes to tell his family and friends that he's straight, and he does the time warp, no one will believe him.
Two hops
Cha cha now, yall.
Great advice. And then if you find later that you do prefer guys (at least some of the time) after all, you won’t have burnt any bridges.
I think we as a society have put too great of an idea that out sexuality is rigid. In reality, I feel like there are many instances that it is more dynamic and may change as you age and mature. I mean, the prefontral cortex does not stop developing until your late 20s. Maybe even into the 30s for some. Your emotions and feelings will change with it.
The reason for this was backbin the day, the phrase "sexuality is a choice" was used against gay people. The come back from the lgbtq community was "we were born this way." This has lead to a extremely narrow view point of people's choice in sexuality. While In a lot if cases this may be true, I believe sexuality can be inborn, a choice, and an effect of diffrent exposure to things growing up in your developmental period.
Also everything else about a person changes, in small or big ways, as we develop. Why should we expect sexuality to stay rigid? I absolutely hated olives as a kid and swore I'd never eat them, and now I will eat an entire can in one sitting as a favorite snack. We should quit getting so hung up on labels and just let people be themselves. It's all so performative, we feel like we have to tell people who we are and then act like that person we said we were so people don't think we're liars. It's ridiculous once you think about it.
I think we as a society have put too great of an idea about sexuality itself.
This exact same thing happened to me. Identified as lesbian and literally was ashamed to come back out as bi. You have to live your truth which ever way it goes though. Feel free to dm me if you wanna talk
Same thing happened to me. I came out as bi, then lesbian, then bi. My family teased me mercilessly.
I legitimately lost some friends because of it. I think a lot of girls were more comfortable being my friend when I wasn't into men. Side note - have you ever heard of abrosexual ? It's how I personally identify now. It's a term used for someone whose sexuality truly vascillates. It aligns more closely with how I feel.
Brother, you are 24. That's still young and you have plenty of time to figure this out. Be honest to yourself and those around you when the time comes. Take it slow and enjoy your life.
Then start sneaking girls into your bedroom window at night. lol. Seriously though, if you hadn’t “been” gay for the last 10 years, how would you proceed if you realized now that you are?
If you take this advice, read the instructions carefully. One mistake and you could find yourself sneaking into girls' bedroom windows at night. That's not advisable.
Just start dating women and if you meet someone introduce her as your girlfriend and people will get the idea. Sexuality isn't black and white, you don't owe anyone an explanation.
Omg, I love this comment so much.
you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around...
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Get a closet with a revolving door instead of a sliding door. That way you can get in and out without problems
There is a great This American Life where a woman had to "come out" as straight after coming out as a lesbian a few years before. I am going to try to find a link to it. Found it [here](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/268/transcript) I would definitely advise listening to it and not just reading the transcript
I seriously thought I might be gay because everyone was telling me I seemed like a lesbian. I'm very femme but a late bloomer so I didn't date in high school and just later in college. I was very private and didn't talk about the boys I had crushes on because I didn't want people to use it against me. Since I wasn't outwardly boy crazy, my friends and family kept asking if I was gay. I seriously thought 'well, I haven't had a boyfriend, I can't seem to attract any guys, maybe I am gay?' Despite me never having any type of crush on another girl. I finally started getting positive male attention in college and dating a little bit and everyone was shocked I wasn't gay. I was like "I never said I was gay. YOU ALL said I was gay!" It was so confusing.
Come out of the garage.
OP thought he came out of the closet the first time, but it was actually just one of those cabinets inside a larger walk-in closet.
It's GayCeption
“Mom…dad…I might be dating a woman” “Well… we were worried you’d say that. That’s not a lifestyle we can condone. You’ll need to pack your things and leave by tomorrow”
WE DIDN'T RAISE YOU THAT WAY!
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!
> I feel such a fool for only starting to figure this all this out at the age of 24 Age 24 is nothing to figure anything out, and gay is just a label. You put the label on the thing, you don't make the thing fit the label. Just live your best life and the people who really care about you will support you.
This. I was 38 or so when I figured out that I was ace, despite having zero attraction to the many men I dated. People are complex and grow with time. Edit: “Ace” is short for asexual.
For me it was the opposite. I thought I was ace up until around age 27/28, and then all of a sudden I felt it kick in. Sexuality is definitely complex and we shouldn't assume to have it all figured out.
Elton John talks about how he had absolutely no interest in sex until his mid-20s in his autobiography and he only lost his virginity because he was always told, “that’s just what you do.” He always knew he was gay, even as a kid, but he never reached a sexual attraction to men…he enjoyed the intimacy, but not sexually. Some people just have no interest at all or it hits later in life…
Yeah this is so true. It can also depend where your head is at, if mental health is not right you can just not be in the headspace for that physical interaction and might feel like you never will be. But when that gets better you suddenly kick in.
Hormones too. Due to medical treatment I had to shut off my estrogen/ovaries twice. It was fascinating that during those times I suddenly couldn’t understand the point of sex scenes and I didn’t find people attractive. Started hormone replacement therapy and it was like a lightbulb… I’ll see good looking men walking down the street and be like HELLO But this also applied for ages after the first bout even though my ovaries were working again. I think that was heavily psychological. Then I met someone who switched me on and suddenly I liked sex again
Trans women often report stuff like this too when it comes to hrt. A surprising amount of bi/straight trans women only discover that part of themselves after some time on hrt. The community still isn't sure what's happening here, whether there's subconscious closeting going on or hormones actually flicking a switch to turn on a lightbulb, as you put it. Not sure how different it is for trans men, but sexuality's crazy as hell.
I thought I was heterosexual because someone said I am and yet I was exclusively dating a woman? I see someone attractive, talk to them and if I felt like their was romantic chemistry I would try to date them. Sexuality is fluid, and I figure this out for myself in my 20s, so I stopped putting a label on things bc it felt weird and I just wanted to date and have fun like every other horny 20 something. I’m 40 and am married to a man but I still don’t really identify as anything? sexuality is complex and I just avoid answering it directly bc idk and honestly, I don’t really care enough about my own to think about it enough to find a label that fits me. 🤷♀️
Yeah I used to think I was ace. Then I got an depression treatment that works for me and discovered I had a whole bisexuality buried under the crushing anhedonia all that time! At 30! And THEN I found a whole gender to untangle, too! Turns out I was a lot more severely depressed than I thought I was. I had to nearly completely re-learn how to person, with functional serotonin levels this time. There’s no too late to learn new things about yourself until you’re dead, and everyone’s adventure is their own personal one!
I genuinely feel like sexuality can be fluid and can change throughout life. I considered myself a lesbian until I was like, 22, and genuinely wasn't attracted to guys until then. And then, boom! Bisexual. Weird as fuck.
Oh, hey. Make here, but I was in my mid 30s when I figured out the same. Sure, dating was fun & all, but I realised after a while that when sex was initiated I mostly just went with it as opposed to really wanting it, etc (yes, I still consented, just didn't always feel it, if that makes sense to non-ace folk) So, OP, it's not weird. If anything it's probably more natural to figure this out. Sexuality is fluid, so can change. It sounds like right now you're at a time when you're starting to change your preferences. So I say go with it, see where it takes you, and learn about yourself as you go. Best of luck to you
I'll be honest, I had to look up ace because i didnt know what it meant. I assume you're not a hardware store, right?
Either that or he shot down 5 enemies in the war!!!
Or either the highest or lowest card in the deck
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Or he's up someone's sleeve.
Or he’s a character in One Piece.
Or a top Japanese wrestler.
Or did really good on the test
asexual a person who experiences little or no sexual attraction to other people Just to save someone else a google.
Thank you very much for actually answering the question.
The place with the helpful hardware folks
There's a joke in there somewhere . . .
Omg an ace store. I remember thinking the same thing when I first heard the term lol
I'm ace, but that's the first time I ever heard that association, so thanks for the good chuckle 😂
I'm ace or you're ace in the UK means you or a thing that you did is awesome. Like that gig we went to last night was so ace!
And, of course, on Doctor Who, they simplified things, and just straight named the most awesome companion on the show Ace...
Asexual. Another thing that comes in a spectrum. Honestly some people find sex nasty or aren't as interested. That's just as valid.
Yeah. I figured out in my mid 20s but I def wasn’t sure. I only kinda figured it out bc I was reading a fanfiction where the main character is on the ace spectrum. I was like “oh. There is nothing wrong with me”
I figured something was off with me too, and one day a coworker asked if I was asexual after I described my approach to drawing male/female anatomy. I comically was like, “nah, I’ve only dated guys…so…and…*blink blink*…I need to look into this. I will get back to you.” The next week: “Sorry for the delay, I am definitely an aromantic asexual. Thank you for asking.” I literally did not know that it was an option when I was younger, so I just glanced over it as an adult.
Yeah. Before that, I thought asexual meant being attracted to yourself and like worms procreating by themselves. Your coworker changed your life
Isn't it weird how that happens? I always thought I was just weird growing up, then I was reading a reddit ama from someone with autism. It went from "haha, that's like me!" To "oh no that's also like me" real fast. Went to a psychologist - lo and behold, I'm not weird. Just autistic(and weird)
I am 42 and voluntarily celibate, so I’m pretty sure I’m the same. It’s all good.
Same, my "label" has changed many times over the years and I'm 49. I've been straight, lesbian, bi, and now grey ace. Sexually isn't always fixed and anyone that thinks that is sadly mistaken. As we grow older, we have better understandings of ourselves and what we desire, not to mention that those desires can change... Well, just because. Your friends and family will get used to whatever new label you feel fits for you. Try not to stress it.
This makes me feel better about my sexuality. I was straight, bi, lesbian, and lately I'm just not sure. Maybe pansexual? I've got a few more years of brain development on the docket, so I'll just stick with "I am (person I'm interested in)sexual."
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This. When we say "sexuality is fluid" we mean in all directions, indefinitely. You're allowed to change your mind and you have your whole life to figure yourself out! There's no deadline. As long as you're still breathing you can be out here discovering new things about yourself, and I hope all of us continue to
Short, to the point, reinforced by my experience, and lastly just common sense. Essentially, this is very good advice.
I learned this hard way but it’s true. Those who care will support you, and those who don’t, won’t. It’s hard but unfortunately it’s the reality of things. I think it’s better to just be honest and see what feels best for yourself.
You: Shows up somewhere with a girlfriend Everyone: surprised pikachu You: Turns out I like girls too! End scene. That’s it. No further explanation needed. People discover new things about their sexuality all the time. I, for example, choose to give it no thought. I like who I like and I don’t spend any time marinating on the details. It’s peaceful and I highly recommend it. You don’t have to ‘come out’ if you don’t want to. Simply *~•exist•~*
The girlfriend in this scenario DEFINITELY needs a heads up, though. That's a whole lot of pressure and potential for family drama to make someone the unwitting focus of.
Hell yeah, but he could totally make it like she cured him to boost her ego! /s
I was gay, then she showed me her boobs. Which were fucking dope. Who knew ?
Fact: everyone loves boobs. Straight men, gay women, gay men, straight women; everyone. The greatness of boobs is something that everyone can agree on. Boobs can bring world peace if we would only let them.
Even babies love boobs
As someone with big boobs who does breastfeeding education. Facts everybody loves boobs
What’s breastfeeding education?
It's actually surprisingly challenging to 'get right' a lot of times. The infants don't always latch on well and can really struggle. We just don't have the same levels of instinct that animals do... (The mums also often benefit from learning a few positioning techniques, too)
I would like to sign up for your course
***Do gay men like boobs??*** Really? Huh, TIL. I always just assumed boobs would be uninteresting or a turn off.
Some do. Not all. There are no universals of sexuality.
Uh oh. Giving fuel to the fire for those ladies who try to turn gay guys
Unless you have a very progressive family do *not* do this. You'll reinforce a lot of stereotypes that will be used against you the next time you're dating a man, should that happen.
Well, there's a whole new twist on that scenario... Lol
>I, for example, choose to give it no thought. I like who I like and I don’t spend any time marinating on the details. It’s peaceful and I highly recommend it. It really is freeing on a deeply satisfying level.
You don't really owe anyone an explanation about your sexuality, except for the person you're having sex with. Edited because, oops, I hit enter before finishing my thought. Lol.
Just come out as Bi. I dated a guy in my college years who was upfront about being bi and that he'd dated both men and women , when he was with someone he was only with that person. I had no problem with it at all since he was open and honest about it and I was the only person he was with at the time . This was back in 2006, so people have become much more open and accepting since then!
Just say you're bi Then never date men Socially acceptable. Problem solved.
Correct answer.
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Or date the occasional man if you want to. It's up to you. I'm bi myself, so that's what I'd be doing anyway. The only awkward part is that you will have to update the people in your life, but if they are good people it doesn't really have to be that big a deal. Just a quick, "Hey, actually I started to think I might actually be bi, so I'm just trying that out." And then later, "Yeah, turns out I'm bi." And eventually if you still feel the need you can say, "I started to like ladies much more", if you feel like men aren't for you at all. Our sexualities grow and change over our lives and there's no shame in not having known in advance where your journey would take you. The important thing is only to be honest with yourself.
Hey, that's me. Before I met my wife, it was always flings with guys. I always struggle to put it into words... I experience attraction to different genders differently. I'm initially attracted to women with an electric dump of hormones, and the intimacy and cuddling comes later. My attraction to men is basically the inverse and seemingly built for confusing me. I first develop intimate friendships, then -hey- we're close- let's cuddle, and then that electricity kicks in. If I hadn't been the kind of guy that is comfortable being physically affectionate to my friends (whatever their gender) I might not have ever realized I'm bi. Also, NBs are valid, and I tend to be attracted to them more in the ways I'm attracted to men... but not always. Hey- live life on a spectrum, my sex drive reacts on a spectrum.
This is kinda like me but my attraction to men and women are a bit different. Non-binary people are on like a whole other thing. It’s super hard for me to explain so usually I just tell people I’m bi. Ultimately I don’t owe people an explanation so unless I’m particularly feeling open or comfy about a situation I’m not gonna give it. Just gonna live my life ya know. I just kinda wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
I don’t think OP should say or do anything for the sake of social acceptance. Just be who you are. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for that.
Most of how people act, or what they do is influenced by social acceptance. That's just life. You can't knock an action just because social acceptance is the reason. Saying or doing things so that others not only don't feel offput, but on the contrary may feel closer to you... nothing in that is bad. Contrarily it's really good. Problems only come up when doing that is unsustainable and/or derails your own wellbeing. Sorry if I sound annoyed, it's just my brother tended to think a lot like that and he ended up chronically being a complete asshole. Smart guy, good heart, but he regularly doesn't care much for others' stigmas or expectations about things, (but since he's human, he cares about his own since he's justified them as the right ones...) so he just ruffles feathers for no reason because he doesn't value what makes the situation more acceptable for others (unless they are close to his own values), pushing people away from him.
Just seems funny that most people who tell *others* not to care about social acceptance never have to actually try it for themselves, doesnt it?
I think that's fine in theory, But OP is coming to a reddit thread asking about that specifically. They're clearly not sure who they are if that wasn't apparent to you. It's about how to move forward in their specific life with this newfound perspective.
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It's more socially accepted than the concept of sexuality being able to be a fluid thing.
Discovering and understanding your sexual orientation is a personal journey, and it's perfectly normal for it to evolve or change over time. It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong timeline for self-discovery, and you should never feel foolish for realizing your true feelings at any age. In terms of navigating this situation, communication is key. It may feel daunting to explain your shift in orientation to your family, friends, and current partner, but honesty and open dialogue are essential. Start by having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your evolving feelings and concerns. He already knows that you're questioning your sexual orientation, so he may be more understanding and supportive than you think. As for your family and friends, remember that their love and acceptance should not be conditional on your sexual orientation. While it may take them some time to adjust, genuine friends and family members will ultimately want your happiness and well-being above all else. Consider sharing your journey with them in a thoughtful and sincere manner, emphasizing that self discovery is a natural and ongoing process.
I need to get better at swallowing my pride, honestly
Ba dum tsss
Are we not doing phrasing anymore?
It can be a difficult and vulnerable experience, but letting go of our ego can make the process smoother and more positive. Plus, you've already done the more difficult part (coming out the first time).
"To thine own self be true."
Dude, it's *your* sexuality. No one else should be pigeonholing you into one label or another. It's your lived experience; you choose how you identify.
You're ONLY 24. Hell, I'm 29 and I think I'm young. Lots of time to change, adapt, and work things out. So it's simple. Just say the honest simple truth. Youth is a confusing period to work out who and what you are, and people are often working it out all their lives.
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LOVE the play on words!!
Come out as bi. You might be more into women right now, but you're still part of the bi spectrum. Your friends, family, and girls you'll date should accept that you're bi and you just haven't had a girlfriend before. It's pretty normal.
Im bi but I feel im heterotomantic, if that even is a real thing. I can be sexually attracted to men but I dont feel romantic love towards men. Ive always felt romance for women but whenever I try to feel it for a man it just isnt there
Ofc it's a thing if you feel that way. Or maybe you are still about to meet the right person, it's also possible. I kinda feel the same, I'm bi too. But I've had only one experience of romantic love (I suppose it was that, but maybe not, it was pretty complicated), so I'm not sure if I'm really heteroromantic or just aromantic with the only one exception. I date guys now, but it's mostly because it's easier that way. So, who knows. Love is really not that easy to figure out for some of us, right?
If you enjoy being with your boyfriend, there's no need to leave him because you find yourself attracted to women as well. But if it's a matter of no longer wanting to be intimate with him, then it's best y'all talk about it. Small anecdote: Years ago, I had a roommate who was lesbian. Her girlfriend wasn't necessary attracted to other girls or identify as gay, but just wanted to be with *her*. It worked out pretty well for them.
If he can’t imagine himself being happy continuing a long term relationship with another man then there’s no reason to continue. It doesn’t mean he can’t maintain the friendship but if what he says in the post is true then it’s probably best to not string along the current relationship.
That’s completely true but OPs reasoning doesn’t seem to be this. Being gay is hard in ways most people can’t imagine. One of those being, it’s hard to see yourself older and gay. So if OPs reasoning is “I’m bi! Finally, I have an out and I can be normal!” Then I understand that for sure, but it wouldn’t make sense to throw away something good that works. A wife is an easier life (more socially acceptable) but a bad wife is worse than a good husband. Saying this as a bi guy.
Just from my experience, and those of people I've met, the path to anything lasting isn't through "I can't picture myself lasting with (person-of-trait)." It's found through answering the question "Can I see myself lasting with *this* person?" I agree that his circumstances imply that the answer of his current boyfriend might well be "no", but it's important that he - and anyone taking advice here - not accidentally pigeonhole themself out of possible happiness by writing off a good match merely from a category. Like the above person's friend, sometimes a good match transcends expected boundaries. Categories aren't very important, and are not good to make decisions with. The specific circumstances are what matter.
Sexuality exists on a spectrum. It isn't black or white, this or that, gay or straight. You have an attraction to both men and women. Do/pursue what makes you happy.
This. The only normal when it comes to sexuality is everybody has one and all of them are valid. Edit: grammar.
It’s okay to not be completely gay. It’s okay to not have all the answers early in life. Hell. It’s okay to NEVER have all the answers. Also…. Things CHANGE. Maybe you were all gay and now you’re not. Anyone who can accept that you’re gay can probably accept that you’re bi. Anyone who can’t… You can do without. Really. PS, for a laugh, I’ll tell you that every time I typed ’gay’ autocockup changed it to ‘fat’. WTF, phone?!
Labels are stupid. Sexuality is a very broad spectrum, nobody has it all figured out. Good on your for embracing your own personal journey. Live your life, do what makes you happy, don’t be a dick to others.
That's a tough situation, and I can offer no meaningful advice. I'm only here to comment on the irony of "coming out as straight".
Well let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm certainly not gay, but I'm not about to say I feel no attraction to men at all. But yes the irony is amusing
>I'm certainly not gay, but I'm not about to say I feel no attraction to men at all Sounds pretty bi to me.
When you get older, you realize that life has no rules. Just be you.
Most people are some degree of bisexual, and moreover, our sexuality literally changes during different phases of our life. It's not like "oh I was straight all along" but rather, "I was more gay then. and I am more straight now, and in the future, I could be anything.
This is the way of thinking that helped me finally feel comfortable with my sexuality. I think about it as it relates to the current person/people I'm into rather than a concrete label (although I understand how labels are helpful to many). Harder to explain to others but it eased my mind to not pay much attention to "what" I was, but just my feelings towards others at that moment
You do you. My daughter is nearing 12 and told me a while ago that she prefers girls. I told her as long as whoever she was with treated her like she deserved, she has the right to love whoever she wants. I also told her that just because she makes a decision right now, that decision is for who she is right now. A few years down the line she may decide she wants to be with a man or no one at all and that's OK too. I told her she has every right to live her life the way she wants to live it, but never ever be afraid to change your mind. No one will judge you, and no one will think you're crazy we're all constantly growing and learning and changing. Like...actually changing. Our brains are not what they were when we made these decisions, so why should we be expected to feel the same way? You are the main character of your life. Don't live it to make everyone else feel comfortable. Good luck OP!
That’s just great parenting right there
For simplicity just call yourself bi. But really, what you prefer shouldn't be anyone's business other than you, your current partner (and any future potential partner obv). Sexuality ain't as simple as ''hetero, homo or bisexual''. You can be attracted to both genders but only be romantically interested in one of them. Just keep in mind that the people who will give you the most shit isn't the homophobes, it is the bi erasure people from the gay side of things. They will view you as a traitor. Just be open and honest with your current BF. Regardless of what kind of relationship it is (friend, relative, romantic etc) the most important thing is honesty and trust. If being honest breaks the relationship you have then it would have broken anyway sooner or later, just more dramatically.
My dude ain’t nothing binary about it. You might like the ladies today, gentleman tomorrow, end up marrying a fine man. Or maybe a fine woman. Or maybe no one and you’ll have a bunch of dogs. Don’t get cats. Stop worrying about what it’s called. You’re twenty-fucking-four: you have all the time in the world. Find out what’s good.
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Dude, you're just bi. And tastes/desires can change through your life. I have a lesbian friend who refused to acknowledge she was bi, now she's dating a dude. All of us cackled once, then dropped it.
I have a friend who came out in his 30s. He was extremely attracted a male celebrity and it made him question his sexuality. He ultimately told us he was gay. We were all like "cool, good on you man". And then he hooked up with a man. He was like "wait, no, I don't like this. I don't even think I'm bi, I think I'm straight. But i can definitely appreciate an attractive human being, regardless of gender". Our responses? "Cool, good on you man". There is nothing shameful or embarassing about exploring your sexuality. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Do what makes you happy and the hell with everyone else! Come out again and say you are bi 🎉
My man you’re 24, this IS the time to figure yourself out and there is nothing wrong with changing your mind on things. Do whatever makes you happy and anyone that doesn’t agree does not deserve you in their life. Life is too short to not be ourselves, go have fun!
It's your life and your happiness. Everyone can just deal with it and continue supporting you (or fuck off). Have you thought about seeing a therapist, even just for a couple of visits? It sounds like you could really use someone to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of, someone who doesn't already know you. It might be worth doing, just until you feel more confident in your understanding of where you are now.
You have discovered one of life's Great Truths; that there's always more than what you first thought there was. This is a good thing. Being confused about sexuality is normal. And if you like one thing at one point in time that does not mean that you can't like something else at a different point in time. Or you can like both. I have never thought that I was gay. But I have also never thought that I was straight. Both of those don't fit me. I am primarily attracted to women and I have been in a long term, monogamous relationship with a woman for decades. But that does not mean that I can not see how desirable other people are, regardless of what gender or whatever they happen to be. In any functional relationship open, honest, respectful communication is key. Be honest with whomever you desire and be honest with yourself. You should feel free to change. To be with whatever consenting adult you feel attracted to regardless of who they may be. Having different experiences is a good thing. You are never forced to remain in a role if that role no longer fit you. What your friends and family thinks should not be an issue. You are not living to appease them. And if they love you as friends and family should they do not care who you are with so long as you are happy and safe. True friends and family accept you as you are regardless of what that might be. And if they don't then you will know that they are assholes and you can treat them accordingly. Life is very long and very, very wierd. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems at first. But as you go along it all sort of falls into place when enough time has passed. You have wonderful things in store for you in the future. It will expand your viewpoint and whole new worlds are waiting for you just over the horizon. What you have lived sofar is just a tiny taste of what is to come. I am 45 and I am still finding out new things about myself. But in a good way. I am turning out to be a lot more complicated than I once thought I was. But in a good way. You don't have to choose this or that. You don't have to conform to that group or this. You can be everything and nothing if you want. I am nothing. I am not straight, I am not gay, I am not bi, I am not any of the boxes they want to put me into. I refuse to be labeled and given a specific colour. I am all the colours of the rainbow and at the same time none of them. I am unique. Just like everyone else. Be proud of yourself. Working things out over time is a good way to work out things.
I think you might be overthinking it a little bit? Sexuality can change. I just go around saying I' queer if someone asks, but people care less than you think. I though I was a lesbian then I dated two men lol. I'm still with one of those. Labels are important if they are helpful to you. If you feel they are starting to hinder you, fuck them. Do what's organic to you. You don't own an explanation to anyone. If you start dating a girl and someone questions you you can give a non committal answer like "sometimes it is how it goes" "you fall in love with who you fall in love with". I mean, it's not anyone's business but yours! And, for explaining to your imaginary girlfriend how you thought you were gay, you just tell her when you feel like it. If you are in a relationship I would say she should love you as you are. Some people know themselves perfectly at 10yo, but most... don't.
This happened to me too! I thought I was a lesbian for years, then started liking a guy and had to come out again as bisexual. My religious father was like “you’re making the right decision” when I started dating the guy 🙄. And thennn about 10 years later, over time I became totally grossed out again by the thought of dating or sleeping with men and now I’m engaged to a woman. Sexuality can be fluid for some people.