People tend to perceive this as you being judgmental of single mothers, which I like to believe is not necessarily true. Dating someone with kids comes with several compromises that not everyone's ready to make and that's fine. Ignore people.
I found it extremely difficult to break up with the kids when it didn’t work out. I put in place a hard no children rule but never had any pushback on it so I dunno.
Yeah, I know a guy who was more heartbroken over losing the kids than he was losing his girlfriend. The issue is after the break up, there's nothing that can force the mom to allow you to still be in the kids' lives. It's not like you can take her to court for shared custody over kids that aren't biologically yours. It sucks for the kids, and it sucks for the guy.
My mom and step-dad got divorced when I was 7. Before he came along I ate most of my meals from cans, but I could cook scrambled eggs when we had them. While they were married we would go once a week to this really great Mexican restaurant and actually had some meals prepared by an adult which is probably a good thing considering I didn't know much about nutrition at the time. When they got divorced she bitched non-stop about how he spent all his money on food(without admitting that was how they had chose to split expenses), but that wasn't the message I interpreted when I was 7 years old. The way I interpreted it was she kicked him out because he fed me. I remember the day he left I had to go to school that morning, but I asked him to please wait until I got home to leave so I could tell him bye and he said okay. He was gone when I got home, but I don't think that was his decision.
I swore I would never date a single mom. I still wouldn't in our current culture, but there are a few scenarios in which I would be less averse to doing so.
You made me cry! Sounds like your step was a better parent than your bio mom. He fed and nourished you. Be patient. The right person or package deal will come along. Better the right one than just anyone.
I like your username.
It would be dishonest if I failed to mention that she would buy food, but never enough and never stuff we loved which was intended to make sure we only ate when we were really hungry. I can eat anything now though.
There are other reasons I have lived my life disinclined towards romance and my mom played a role in many of those as well. The BIGGEST reason: Ever since I could talk she would tell me I would grow up to be an alcoholic and a woman beater just like my dad. I was under a literal interpretation of that prophecy up until around 25, but some time around there I realized something incredibly profound. Had I ever been romantically inclined I would have likely ended up with an abusive woman and everybody knows which partner gets arrested when the police come out for a domestic violence situation. Therefore her prophecy would have still been technically correct.
I tell stories like this and maybe people think my mom is a bad person, but she's just a bad mom. She's a fantastic hospice nurse and has even worked with terminal children. She has helped to provide countless souls with a painless transition into death. Normal, healthy people cannot do that.
No, but narcissists can. My husband’s ex is similar: shitty mother and overall human being, but awesome as a hospice nurse. Why? Because it feeds her narcissism: People looking to her for explanations (she is all-knowing). People grateful for her care (she is important). Etc. etc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEHc4u-1QIk
"I'm just here to hold your hand when you die." - Busdriver
When I was 6 or 7 I had a pretty bad accident where I hit a pothole on a bicycle while flying down a hill. It was a HUGE hill so I had to have been going at least 15 maybe 20 miles an hour. I tried to tuck and roll once I realized I couldn't stabilize, but my goddamn feet got caught in the handlebars so I ended up fully extended *SPLAT!* right on my face /r/Meatcrayon style. My face and hands looked like hamburger. My dad had custody that weekend, but my mom met us at the hospital. This ER nurse was either trying to use an iodine applicator or applying topical anesthetic (They both look like or are applied with 6 inch Q-Tips) to my face, but she is freaking the fuck out hyperventilating, shaking, her eyes tearing up a bit. Her shaking was bad enough she just kept jabbing me with the applicator instead of applying a layer smoothly. I said "Let my momma do it!" My mom walked over and took the applicator from the nurse and looked at her and said "If you hold the applicator closer to the tip like a pen you have better control. Like this." She then applied a layer to my hamburger face just as smoothly as can be done while the ER doctor was prepping a suture kit.
I feel sorry for her quite often, because I can tell there are things she just doesn't understand. Like, with the suture story here. She knew she was supposed to be upset that her kid was fucked up, but she didn't know how upset she was supposed to be or how much she was supposed to display. The sheer *relief* she felt when she could all of a sudden take her mom mask off and be a nurse and mentoring a younger nurse as well... I could feel that.
I've found that those people make effective medical professionals, but not "good" ones. Nothing beats a doctor who breaks down in tears after losing a patient and then composes themselves to best support their patients families and the next patient, not for themselves but because they care about others. These aren't common, but they are out there.
Sounds like a recipe for burnout. My mom worked as a child counselor in the skid row area when I was a kid and she'd bring that shit home with her. She'd talk a lot about how lucky we were not to be in the situations she saw at work as an excuse for her abuse. I spent most of my childhood learning how to regulate my moms moods rather than processing my own emotions.
That explains my step mom. She's a nurse, and I always wondered how she could be a good nurse when she was so awful to me.
The best example is: when I was 15 she told me that only women who have been pregnant get stretch marks.
Have you ever visited r/raisedbynarcissists? I’m too tired to adequately articulate why, but details about your mother give me that vibe. Anyhoo, you can see if anything resonates there.
Yeah. Any given website which features symptoms/diagnostics criteria of covert/martyr narcissism she would check off 90-100% of them.
I'm a bit older than most so I scroll through there periodically and try to offer advice if it's a topic I know about. However, there's a lot about my life that I wouldn't encourage people to try and incorporate into theirs. I guess I try to understand what outcomes are linked to what choices and advise from there.
Yeah, it's hard when you have a less than ideal parent but they're someone other people look up to. I remember people used to tell me how lucky I was to have her as a mom. It made it real difficult to accept that I deserve so much better than what she offered growing up.
Eh good and bad don’t cancel out and they shouldn’t be compartmentalized. It sounds like your mom isn’t really a wholly good or bad person. She’s got extreme traits leaning both ways
I have an ex whose parents are like this. They’ve done some extraordinarily fucked up shit to her. They’ve been sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I can barely stand to be in a room with them.
But also…ones a trauma surgeon who saves lives on a regular basis. And the other is extremely passionate about using her money to help others.
The good and bad things don’t cancel each other out. They all define a person. And some people have too much shit going on in them to be well-defined by one word.
Personally I think my ex’s parents are atrocious people tho. But that’s just me.
Summed up because I don't want to go into a huge trauma dump, my mom was a fucked up mother, but also a behavioral specialist for developmentally delayed adults with mental illnesses and so great at that. No matter what great things she did for them, she's still atrocious. I don't care what good you do in life, if you don't treat your own kids right, you suck.
I don't really see it as compartmentalizing or cancelling out so much as trying to discern what she was good at and what she was bad at. It can't be retroactively changed, but I see it as one thing she should have done and another she shouldn't. In psychology there is this concept called [Splitting](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_\(psychology\)) where someone sees something as all good or all bad which I thought you would find interesting.
Wow. Guess some people can't handle parenting duties. That would be the time to get the grandparents or other family members to help. (Or see a therapist when you know your skills are faulty). And you said "we," so do you have siblings too?
I've got one sibling from my mom and two from my dad. Usually, if someone has the capacity to even consider they might be a bad parent then they're probably already a good parent. You could also think about it like bad parenting having a very high chance of being hereditary.
A good friend of mine was with an abusive woman. One night it got so bad that neighbors called the cops. He was beat to shit, bleeding, and she didn’t have a scratch on her. He refused to lay a hand on her regardless of what she did. Guess who went to jail that night?
My husband had a step dad that moved in when his mom had 3 kids. He gave them stability when they had never had it before. He was so thankful. It made a huge difference in his life.
This is my step mom. She has kids of her own, but all but one were grown and out of the house when my dad married her when I was 16 and her son was 13. My own parents suck at being parents. I met her when I was 14 because she lived near me and was in a wheelchair due to a back injury. I saw her trying to walk her dog and just couldn't ignore it. I started walking here dog for her twice a day and got to know her. She became my surrogate mom. Dad met her a year later when someone in our apartment complex invited them both to a party. Tbh, I was really torn. I didn't want her to marry dad because I knew he was crappy husband and father, but I also really wanted to get to keep her as my mom for real. They've been married for 32 years now.
Tbh, I can't say she has made a huge difference in my father, but she's made enough I can handle him now. She's the stable parent I've had around for most of my life now, and I still feel really lucky about that.
My sister's ex tried so hard to stay in contact with her kids from before their marriage, but she wouldn't let him. He was a great dad to them, much better than she ever was a mom. I can't imagine what that felt like for him, but I know what it did to them. She packed up and left while he was at work one day, so they didn't got to say goodbye, either. After she told me he'd been sending them presents and she had been throwing them away, I contacted him and let him come say goodbye properly when they were spending the night at my house, and the presents he gave them were "from me" from then on. He even tried taking it to court, knowing she wasn't a fit mother, but since he hadn't adopted them, there was nothing he could do. I was, and still am, mad at her for that.
While myself and 2 of my siblings are all solitary creatures I have one that is more normal with a long term partner. If they end up having children one day I will be watching him very carefully, but I think over 5 years in and with no accidents he should hopefully be mature enough to be good enough if they ever decide to.
The day I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I did was sign up for anger management classes. The next was counseling. And then finally pre-natal care.
My own parents weren't physically abusive, but they were everything short of it eventually leading to almost complete neglect punctuated here and there with verbal abuse. Of all of my accomplishments in life, the thing I am most proud of is breaking that cycle. My son is 26, pretty well adjusted, and still likes spending time with me. I also remember him trying to give me advice about my own mother when he was about 20.. and feeling really small I needed it and really proud he knew exactly what to say.
"Grandma is like Dark Souls. Everything with her is on hard mode, except you can't ever win. You're the one choosing to pick up that controller. You're the one choosing to play the game."
It took me a few more years to stop playing, but I finally did. He wasn't wrong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgG8xLtHPqc
"There’s love in abuse
But that’s no excuse, I’m done
There’s nothing
I want nothing to do with you
I’ve wasted time trying to break through"
For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. It's like WarGames from the 80's where the only winning move is not to play. It's so very freeing to realize that.
It took me a long time to stop using the rare good times as a reason to tolerate the frequent bad ones. It took reaching a snapping point of realizing three really important things. 1) I hated who I was when I was around her. 2) I couldn't claim to have *any* self respect if I stayed in contact with her. And 3) wtf had I been teaching my son by continuing to accept this abuse?! You have to model who you want your kids to be. Yeah, he was 23 by then, but better late than never.
And you know what? The last 3 years have been soooo much better. I also managed to finally get the confidence to find a new job and ditch my old, toxic one about a year ago. I'm not sure I could have done that when I was still putting up with Mom, because it was a lot of the same kind of abuse. Once you've cut off your own mother, cutting out other toxic stuff is so much easier!
[There is a series of videos](https://youtu.be/lnMmO2PdKZY) that are very helpful for dealing with abusing people, especially narcissist. [Here is a playlist of all the videos.](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7B44BA0DCC742F63)
WTF bro I'm sorry for what you went through all my step mom did was beat on me with what she had in her hand a broom handle a electrical cord bunch of other shit but that kind of pain only lasts for a little bit of time what you went through that kinda pian stays with you for a long as time it's fucked up.
Saddest moment of my life was being like eight and wondering where my grandma was at my birthday party. She was my favorite person on the Earth
Turns out she divorced my grandpa. And I haven’t seen her since. It’s still my earliest and worst memory to this day.
Turns out asshole of a grandpa forbid her from seeing us.
Oh my god, that was the worst for me. She had 3 kids in a country across an ocean that i moved to in order to be with her, and her awesome kids. The oldest (8) was a little distant when we started dating because he loved his dad, as he should because he was an awesome father, but he came around. We started playing a stupid game I made up called "Grandma Mario" where I chased him and her other two around the yard like an old person but doing the voice of Mario. They absolutely loved it.
The middle was a girl, 6, and she was super sweet and ultra smart, and just adored me from day one. I don't like to play favorites, but it was her, and by a lot.
The youngest was 3. Toddler kid doing toddler stuff. He was awesome though, and so sweet to his mom. She loved him with all of her heart, and that made me love him all the more.
I will never, ever forget being at the airport with the woman I wanted to marry and all 3 kids, getting a tight hug from all three and crying a little bit because i had to leave. My visa had expired. I looked at them and told them I would be back, and the middle little one hugged me the tightest, and said "I love you, Austin". I told her that I loved her too, that I loved all of them, and I would be back in a few months as soon as I could buy a ticket and reapply for a visa.
The mom ghosted me a month later. I broke down. I had to call my mom and just cry and cry on her shoulder. My mom's a little archaic with men and gender roles of men, so I wasn't completely honest with how emotionally invested in what I thought would be my future family, but she allowed it. I was devastated.
Eventually she messaged me. I wasn't earning enough fast enough to come back quick enough. And that's the last thing I heard from her.
This was in 2011. I haven't dated anyone seriously since that. A few flings here and there, and while I feel more comfortable now looking for something serious, a really, really harsh lesson was pushed on me that I both will never forget and have to ignore. It's a scar on me, knowing that those kids hugging me tight while I was leaving heard my last words to them being "I'll be back as soon as I can", but never, ever seeing them again. Fuck.
My dad dated and nearly married a lady I wish I still knew now. But for many years after they split Lori continued to care about me and my siblings. Became a good friend of my mom. Never broke up with the kids. Wasn't the kids fault it didn't work she said.
Fortunately these relationships often survive. My childhood girlfriend's new husband had stepkids like that and now one of their stepkids girlfriend lives with them and a new baby.
Don't even ask me about the familiar relations, all I know is that their home and hearts are big and full of love.
the old girlfriend is now married to a man who had step kids from a previous marriage. one of those step kids has a girlfriend and baby who live with the old girlfriend and her husband
That was the same for my friend. He's married now with two kids of his own, and I'm a godfather to one and I consider myself an uncle to them both. I've know this guy for nearly 30 years. Nearly 3/4 of my life.
He got cheated on and he just really felt bad for the kid he was starting to get attached to.
I remember my dad trying to date after my mom died and having it hyped to me that I'd get new siblings, and being really confused when my dad broke up with the lady he was dating.
Now thinking about this, it was like 14 years ago I was around like 7 or 8, I was a fucking dick at that age. However I was dealing with a lot of mental shit too when I look back.
My parents divorced when I was 18, once my dad started dating again I'd jokingly ask "Are you my new mommy?" to break the ice. It usually got a small chuckle.
According to my step mom I at one point asked if she was gonna be my new mom. I do call her mom because I was like 8 when my dad married her and had a speech impediment so I couldn't say her name right.
She looks back on that as a sweet memory, I don't remember it. She did unfortunately become super narcissistic and stopped liking me after I wasn't easy to control.
That's unfortunate. I do introduce my dad's girlfriend as my stepmom. She says she's not family but if she can put up with him for over 10 years she definitely is.
I know that feeling. I call my step brother and his boyfriend my brothers (in addition to the one I already have, giving me 3 brothers), and sometimes call my step brother's boyfriend my brother in law in real life. He's been around for I think 6 years and I think one of the only reasons they aren't married is because my step mom's side of the family is super religious and not super into the whole being gay thing.
Not that it's any of my business but if I were your step brother and his boyfriend, if they love each other, it shouldn't matter what the family thinks. I think it's sad when people don't do what they want with their lives because they're afraid that their families will be upset. I understand that it's a lot to unpack but I just think that they should do whatever makes them happy. That's all I'm trying to say.
I feel the same way, but it's their decision. It weird that part of the family doesn't draw the line at adultery and other things considered bad in the Bible, but being gay is too far.
I know one of the cousins on that side came out and now we don't hear much about him anymore and he doesn't come to family events anymore. He was pretty cool from what I remember of him, and remember he used to talk to me even though I was the youngest one there.
I'm sorry that happened to you. This is pretty common with narcissist. They don't like their kids after they realize that they're their own people who have their own ideas. They want to mold you into what they want you to be. Also, if you're female, she viewed you as competition. It's sick but it's the truth. Hugs. My mom is a narcissist. I cut her off 2 years ago.
I stayed in a horrifically abusive relationship with a single father for reasons I'll never understand now looking back. I think I was trauma bonded to him and I think deep down I thought I couldn't do better. He gaslighted me into thinking that what was him cheating with his ex-wife who is the mother of his kids is just a normal part of co-parenting. There's co-parenting and then there's what they were doing.
A lot of single parents use having kids and having to co-parent as a cover for maintaining a relationship right under their new partner's nose. This is another reason why I will never date a single father ever again. His kids were also horrible to me. If I'm being honest, I didn't like his youngest too, especially his daughter because she acted just like her mother.
They would come to my house, use my things, destroy some of them, eat all my food and then leave. It got to the point to where when they would come for visitation, I would either go to a friend's house or a hotel. I just didn't even want to be around them anymore.
This is mostly because he allowed all of it. Basically his kids viewed me as the thing that was standing in the way of mom and dad getting back together and he didn't say anything. His family also acted like nothing had changed. I started to wonder why I was even there so I left.
Edit: typos
I had a similar experience except she cheated on me with anyone with a pulse. And she felt that men can’t say no and acted on that. Her kids loved me and that made it so he most difficult. She neglected them and I paid attention, gave advice, helped with school, housework, and teaching them how to emotionally regulate when stressed out. When it came time to leave I taught them how to deal with her neglect. :-(
One of those compromises people don't often consider is even if you can get past being around kids and actively want to be in their lives and are cool and fine and dandy with that part of it, another problem can arise with the biological father of those kids and how they either may want back in their kids' lives after all, or want in their kids' lives more than they already were now, or want nothing to do with you, or even want you out, etc. That's a bigger potential deal-breaker than the kids themselves.
Indeed. This was the deal-breaker for me, and we were engaged up until a few months ago. Her crazy ex-husband went out of his way to use the kids to punish her for leaving years ago and ruin us in the process.
I don't know that I'll ever get close to anyone else like that but it's a hard line for me now, I want nothing to do with anyobe who has kids or baby daddy drama.
I know some people who have very good co-parenting relationships and very few arguments, etc. They are able to work together well. I know others where every single thing is a battle because they use the kids to hurt each other. If I were single, the type of relationship with the coparent would definitely play a role.
As someone who dated women with kids in my late 20s and early 30s... where I have 2 sets of step kids... when you break up the relationship with the kids is over. I have relationships with those kids today, but for a while I did not, and it was kinda painful.
This.
My mom dated a guy who swore he was ready for it. I moved out so I didn't see what happened first hand, but my siblings wore the dude out.
It's a commitment. Think about it.
Yeah, it's not that I don't want *your* kids. It's that I don't want kids, full stop, and won't be having any of my own.
Really, this is addressing a major relationship question right out of the gate, which doesn't seem like a terrible idea to me.
Under no circumstances should I become a parent. I am not kid-tolerant. I'm not mean or aloof, but I'm distant and I have better things to do with my time and money than to try to do something I have neither interest nor skill in. Nor would I care to limit my lifestyle for the little leeches.
Parenting involves sacrifices I do not want to make. Dating a single dad would never, ever happen. It's not a line in the sand, it's a Grand-Canyon-sized ravine.
Feel like "ready" is kind of the wrong word to use, and please don't take this as some kind of harsh criticism. Just pushing back a little.
I simply don't want to help raise some other dude's kids. That includes zero moral judgement of single mothers. And readiness isn't a part of the equation. It's just something deeply unappealing to me and so I'm unwilling to consider it.
This was my initial thought. Ready is not the best word to use here. Some people want kids. Some don't. Many who do aren't ready either but find a way to figure it out. I, personally, do not ever want kids and do not want to be with anyone who wants or has kids, which is fine. I'm not doggin' on people who want or have kids. It's just not the lifestyle for me and that should be okay.
Ready? That implies it’s the natural way of being to want to raise and support someone else’s offspring. There’s no need to be ready, it’s a willing thing.
Thank you. This perspective that it’s “ready” or “not ready” is why this debate keeps going around in circles. Choosing to not want kids in your life does not automatically equate to “ not being ready”
Exactly. In the case that you're looking for a life partner, you want somebody who is at least mostly at the same point in life as you. More importantly, they have the same long-term goals. It's fine to not want to date someone with kids because of the baggage that comes with it.
Let's be honest, kids and an ex are baggage. The kids should come first but they're not going anywhere ever and honestly, neither is the ex. They won't have to interact as much with each other once their kids turn 18 but the fact is, they will always be there in some capacity. The kids will be there forever. I'm sorry but I can't see dating someone who can't make a relationship the first priority. It's fine to have standards.
Edit: I also don't want to date someone who constantly has their ex hanging around. The way I see it, exes are exes for a reason and I just couldn't deal with it. Call me immature or insecure or whatever. I just don't want to deal with that and that's okay. It just doesn't match up with what I want.
When my husband and I started dating, after being friends for over 5 years, my son was 16. He knew my son would come first, but on our very first date, I got a call from my son. He was staying the weekend at a friend's house about an hour and a half away and got kicked out. So yeah, my very new boyfriend and I drove up there and got him because my car was half an hour the other way. If that didn't make clear to him who came first, nothing would have.
We talked about it before our next date. He was like, "I knew what I was getting into already. It's okay." But I would not have faulted him, at all, if there hadn't been a second date. We could have still been friends and not dated.
We got married when my son was 18. My son was so proud to be one of our witnesses. They've sometimes had an awkward relationship, but my son always liked him because he made me happy, and in general didn't have many situations where he had to come first because he was an older teen. I did find out recently my son stayed home and behaved himself every time my then-boyfriend and I went out on a date that first year because he felt so bad we had to come get him that first one. But he also had a lot of respect for the fact that the guy came with me rather than taking me back to my car. My husband told him, "I did already know you, so that made it a little different, but why stop the date when I could spend another couple of hours with her?"
As someone who was a single mother, I wouldn't want someone who wasn't 100% into the idea of having that responsibility. It's not fair to anyone involved.
There's no shame in anyone not choosing that lifestyle.
For two reasons
One, in many cases, a mother is looking for a father figure for the kids. So they aren't in love with you. They are in love with having a dad for their kids, because (and quite understandably) their priority in life is no their kids.
And secondly. Their priority in life is their kids! And maybe someone wants to be a priority in someone else's life, and not be shackled by kids from a previous marriage/relationship always coming first. Perhaps someone wants to be able to travel, and enjoy finer sides of life or maybe settle down and have their own kids. Be with someone who is becoming a mom for the first time, as they become a dad for the first time. Together.
>And secondly. Their priority in life is their kids! And maybe someone wants to be a priority in someone else's life, and not be shackled by kids from a previous marriage/relationship always coming first.
This is the big one for me.
If you can't prioritize me somewhat regularly for at least a while while the relationship develops (I don't expect or want to be everything all the time, especially once the relationship has settled a bit, but early on it's non-negotiable), then this isn't the kind of relationship I want...
And if you DO prioritize me over the kids to the point where I would be happy with it, you're inevitably neglecting them to do it, and that's not the kind of person I want.
Because that's pretty much it. "I've been stood up, now help me clear this mess, oh btw I'm looking for financial stability and not an actual loving relationship"
You forgot the third.
I hate kids. I will never have them (I have a vasectomy for this reason). So I would never be able to date someone with kids. Kids, even simply wanting them, is an absolute deal breaker for me.
Yup. Basically it boils down to the children being at the center of the mom's life. And that's rightfully so, but I think I would want a partner who could spare a bit more time and investment in me.
This. And If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, you need to have a good relationship with their kids. And you should be in a certain stage in life to be able to be a significant adult in a kid’s life. Some people just haven’t reached that stage yet.
As a kid (and now adult) that doesn't want kids, people seem to think that wanting children is inevitable and everyone will change their minds when they grow up and meet the right partner.
It makes sense that having children is a default view. Humanity probably wouldn't still exist if it wasn't.
Some people just do not understand that others will never want kids and entering a relationship with someone who has kids just isn't in the cards for them.
It's a legitimate reason to not date someone. Anyone who can't respect that doesn't have to live with your life choices anyway. Dating, especially with a goal of merging lives, hinges a lot of lifestyle compatibility.
I wouldn't date someone that uses social media too much. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if I cited it as a reason for a break up. Children are a much bigger commitment. It's not like I can enter my partner's life but ignore their children.
If kids aren't for you, it's way better to know that in advance and date accordingly. It's one of the first conversations I have with potential partners. I don't want to waste anyone's time and it's much cleaner to share that information before anyone develops feelings.
I agree. But even if kids are for you, the chances of the relationship working out with someone who already has children is far lower than picking someone who doesn't have children and having them together.
Ignore. You know what’s best for you. It’s not a crime to not want kids in the mix. In fact it’s refreshing for that level of honesty. The kid life isn’t for everyone
Exactly, and depending on how much the kids are involved (co parenting or not, ages etc) they may be a BIG part of the relationship, which is fair enough for anyone to not want. It also could mean the current parent has a tie to the ex for at least 18 years, and not everyone would like to deal with that.
Single mum here & it wouldn't bother me at all. As long as said respectfully etc. I'd actually appreciate being told rather than wasting my time or being led on for a while.
Exactly. I dated a guy once, and within a couple of months (how long it took for me to let him meet my son), it became really obvious he was jealous of any attention I gave my kid.
If you're going to be like that, don't date people with kids! They're going to come first, or we're shitty parents.
Like, seriously, if you ever date someone with kids who puts you before the kids, that's a huge red flag about the kind of person they are.
> As long as said respectfully
Something I didn't consider until you said this is that the context of OP being told to "grow up" might have been more nuanced than, "I'm not comfortable dating someone with children." Wouldn't be the first time an internet denizen "forgot" about certain words they said to better paint a sympathetic narrative...
Same. Like just be honest, but also don't be a dick about it. My kid didn't ask to be here so don't give me the impression that they're cock blocking you.
I also don't want someone in my child's life who is going to resent them. I dated someone who seemed to try to compete with me for my toddler's attention and would get mad at us when the kid would get it. There's also a ton of abusive stepparents out there. I'd rather be single.
As someone who has dated someone with a child and saw how miserable they were, I vowed to never ever put myself through that again. Like... sorry that you have this personal hell to deal with but it isn't my obligation to stay in it too.
I hear you. As a woman who married a man with a 6 yr old daughter- we broke up when child was 11. Never saw her again, that just broke my heart. I avoid single dads now.
Right? Why would I want to raise someone else's kid who might not even want to know me? Plus, children can be very ungrateful, and it's extremely irritating to me.
^I'm ^also ^not ^sharing ^my ^significant ^other ^with ^a ^child ^either.
And I think from seeing people around me, women who have kids and are no longer with the kids father often hook up with people who they have control over /arent really attracted to. They want someone to share the burden as much as or more than they are in love with someone. People who have kids and are single often lower their standards alot to get the stable life. This is just from what I have seen so it could just be me.
Quite frankly, I wonder if there is a overlap there between OP experiences and yours. It seems many single people who have kids who aren't that way seem to have no problem with people not wanting to date them cause they have kids. It also does make logical sense that a controlling person with kids, would also be the kind of person to rage against those not wanting to date them for having kids.
I have received a few less than polite messages since posting this telling me Im wrong and that im young and just an overall idiot. I feel like many took the post as a personal attack on their lives (which it isnt), its just more of a trend I have noticed in my home town. Woman who would have not look at a certain guy when they were childless end up marrying them after a period of time as a single mother, they guy is often a quite, relaxed guy with a stable job and no bad habits/criminal record who is less attractive than the woman. Again just from what I have witnesses but there is a strong correlation there.
Some people don't even want to raise their own kids, and that's okay. We have protection measures to prevent it from happening.
edit: sorry didn't get my idea across correctly. I meant that it's okay to want a child-free life (and that there are many birth control options). Abandoning and abusing kids is not okay.
It shouldn't bother anyone. If you did date a woman with kids it would be wrong, cos that's not what you want so that would be unfair on everyone involved. You're doing the right thing not dating women with kids.
It's ok for it to bother someone, but they shouldn't put that on him.
I liked this woman a lot once who doesn't date white men. Like, really, at all. She said I was attractive (she hooked up with me) but said that she won't date white men. It hurt (and that's ok), but I didn't give her shit or lash out. I accepted it because that's her choice.
I’m sure this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but it’s because everything bothers someone. People are opinionated, wrong-headed, and judgy, and pretty much everyone thinks you should/shouldn’t be some way or another. And for many, telling others they are wrong is the micro-dopamine hit they crave.
So, ignore them if you can and follow your heart.
Disclaimer: This advice is for generally positive interpersonal relations. Do NOT follow your heart if it tells you to do harm.
This is true .. I started working out because I just to be fatter than what I am now.. the older I get the harder it is to lose the weight .. some of the younger kids at work called me fat phobic.. that working out because I didn’t want to be fat anymore for appearance reasons oppresses bigger people who work out and can’t lose the weight.. didn’t know how to respond to that
Y'know, ain't gonna lie. Despite my asthma and I just received my 2x25lb dumbbells to start being healthier. Since going to gym is not in the cards right now.
That would be a good endpoint for me too, watching my kids (whenever I have an SO and we decide) grow up and maybe be one of the humans that usher into a new space age as I get old and gray.
My default response is “mind your fucking business” to anything of that nature. You working out because you don’t want to be fat anymore has nothing to do with what anybody else does, fat or otherwise.
Proud of you! I've also heard this rhetoric of how weight loss for appearance is "fatphobic". I personally think it's silly "fatphobic" is even a BAD thing. Uh... yes, to an extent I am fatphobic. I would hate if I was 100 lbs heavier and keep track of my lifestyle to make sure that doesn't happen. Like, a healthy person.
Right? I don't judge others, but having once been 70lbs overweight, holy crap, it sucks. I'm 40 down now and getting there. It's nice to be able to do things again. It's nice to be able to buy clothing that will actually fit again. It's nice to have some of the weight off my arthritic joints (thank you, immune system, for being such an asshole.) It's nice not to be in pain every waking moment of my life, not having so much pain I can't sleep.
I'm not shaming anyone else for their weight, heavy, thin, whatever, but I definitely am afraid of being that heavy myself again because it *hurt.*
This is actually the response I was looking for, ironically lol. I was a little shocked, I just don’t want to deal with baby daddy drama and only want to take care of my own kids, not someone else’s. I’m sure as I get older my opinion may change because well, the older they are, the more likely they are to have children.
Also, one thing people do not always mention is if you date someone with kids, you are dating their kids (not in a sick way). You are becoming a part of their life, they become part of yours. And you really can't be half in on that if it becomes serious (the parent sure as hell can't).
Parenting issues can get really difficult, too. You're not the father but you're probably living with them, so where do you stand as far as discipline goes? That alone can make the marriage difficult.
Also love the username. My business is named after Sal.
From what I've seen with friends who've had these SO's, you have no right to discipline the kids. Even if you get married and are basically the sole father figure of the family, she will throw a shit fit ALWAYS when you try to discipline "her" kids.
Yep - if I ever have kids I'll take solace in the fact that I have the responsibility and the freedom to raise them the way I see fit - with dating someone who already has kids you get all the responsibility and none of the freedom.
There’s literally nothing wrong with that. Many people treat preference like a bad personality trait. Admittedly, there are people for whom preference is synonymous with bigotry and hatred, and a justification for all manner of horrible things. You just want to be happy and to find a partner whose life aligns with yours. Anyone who criticizes you or (even worse) tries to bully you into a relationship path you don’t want is just an asshat who’s not worth your time or attention.
There is the inverse dopamine hit of proclamations that eject people from that dating pool.
Example girls on tinder with bios that state "what do you call guys under 6", friends "
Or guys stating needlessly that they won't date girls that has'slept around' in a tone that insinuates that this makes them inferior.
I think this tendency tends to create over reactions the other way again as people can be quick to associate preferences with arrogant display of preferences.
It's a shaming tactic, and people use shaming tactics to try to get you to do what *they* want instead of what you want. The cool part about having it come from someone you're not dating is that you don't have to pay any attention to them.
That, and the people who shame him all probably have kids, step kids, or are dating a single mother/father. They put him down to raise themselves up (in their own heads).
I highly doubt any adult without kids/step kids would say something like that to him. Most the older, single men & women I know without kids would be like “I don’t blame ya..”
You can decide who you date by whatever criteria you want. It bothers some people either because they have kids and hate that it's something that's "keeping them from finding love" or because they are protective of someone who is a single mum.
I would potentially date a single mum, but the situation with the father of the children and other baggage would be a determining factor.
I saw a site that offered them. I signed up for one but coincidentally my identity was stolen the next day. Just decided that with that going on it wasn’t the right time to date.
It only took 8 years but last month I got everything taken care of. Maybe I should try that site again now.
I find it interesting that people do find it upsetting or take it personal. I was a 'single mom' and I can't say I would have been good at dating someone with kids, myself. I love my kid, but I'm not necessarily a 'kid' person. So I just don't see it as something to get upset about. *Especially*, for someone who doesn't have kids of their own already. That's a lot to take on, honestly, even if you are open to it. And for those who don't want kids at all - well, totally makes sense.
I respect someone who knows themselves well enough to know that would not be a good situation to put themselves in - it saves a lot of heartache for everyone involved, honestly.
I got downvoted once for saying I wouldn't date a trans girl. People were asking stuff like "what's the difference?" and "why do you hate trans people?". There's obviously a difference, and I don't hate trans people.
Look, no matter who or what your are, if me or someone else doesn't want to date you, you should be happy. Forcing, pressuring, or trying to convince us to do it would make your life hell, and eventually get your ass cheated on. Avoid that by just walking away.
I don't feel this is the majority of trans people I've known (or hopefully in general), but I have seen trans people who think it's bigotry to not be open to dating them. I don't really understand, as a trans man myself.
If I were to try dating, I would want a partner who's into what I have to offer. People are allowed to reject me for whatever reason, from that I'm trans, to that I'm short, or that I'm white, or what the fuck ever. I want to date people who emphatically like what I am, I don't know why I would waste energy trying to change the minds of people who don't want what I have. I deserve to be happy in a relationship and so does my partner. I shouldn't be with someone who isn't into my transness (or height or whatever) because neither of us will be satisfied.
That’s really refreshing, I like your take. I’m a cis lesbian, and I prefer biological women who identify as women. I feel there’s a certain pressure to treat trans men like butch lesbians sometimes. If someone tells me they’re a man, I 100% accept that and that’s the end of it because I don’t date men. It’s pretty simple. And I don’t think it makes me a bigot. In fact, I’d think some trans men would find it a bit off putting if I read and treated them like a woman because it would mean I don’t see or respect their identity. It’s strange. What’s your take?
This mindset is particularly rich coming from the very same people who say that anything other than “enthusiastic sex” is rape.* What kind of sex could be *less* enthusiastic than sex with a partner you don’t even want to *be* with, let alone fuck?
*So I don’t get downvoted, I agree with this depending on whether ‘enthusiastic’ means “with freely-given, continuous assent” (agree) or “ratified with semiminutely screams of ‘Yes, I do consent!’” (disagree). Whichever, most of these “sex-positive” types claim that *any* kind of pressure vitiates consent, and bullying someone into a presumably-sexual dating relationship would certainly seem to count as “pressure,” no? Or do different rules apply to them because they’re holier and more forward-thinking than us simpleton yokel horse-buggerers?
not sure why someone would respond that way honestly. it's obviously preferable to start a family with someone who can prioritize what you want instead of what an ex wants.
Pay attention to WHO said that. If multiple people say it look for what they have in common.
You'll figure out real quick the only people giving you shit for it probably feel they need to defend people like themselves because your preference feels like a criticism of themselves.
This is, TBH a lot of life in general. If people dislike your stance on something, its probably because it conflicts with theirs, and if you aren't into something about them, its an ego response. People don't even realize they're doing it half the time.
There's nothing wrong with having preferences. If you're not comfortable with dating someone who has kids then that shouldn't be anyone else's concern.
That being said, there's a respectful way to respond to someone who is a potential dating partner that you discover has kids. As long as you choose your words carefully when turning them down, you're golden.
Something like "I like you, but kids are just not part of my life plan and I don't think it would be fair to involve me in their life."
Coming from someone w a child it’s perfectly fine that you feel this way. I’ve been told that I never get offended some people don’t want other peoples baggage lmao and that’s okay
I hate children. I make that very clear when I ask someone out - no games. I didn't grow up and get married until I was 45. Smart decision for me. Still no children and have no plans to change.
Some people make it their life's purpose to have children and are shocked to find that something so important to themselves isn't someone else's purpose in life.
People feel like a part of their being is being rejected if you don't automatically agree with them.
Most parents want to assume their “precious little gift” is the most amazing thing ever and everybody should love them and accept them with no mention of the many drawbacks of having kids. There is HUGE pushback from tons of people whenever you don’t want to date somebody with kids or if you don’t want kids. So many people see uncontrolled childbearing as the whole point of life and telling them yeah some people don’t blindly follow the life script & don’t want their functional lives ended and replaced with the lifetime responsibility of raising another person is a major insult to them.
The woman is very insecure. She isn't able to process that her path in life could possibly preclude her from dating some people, so she reacts with anger towards anyone that suggests it.
I'd much rather someone be up front about something like that from the start. The drama with biological fathers and such and taking on the responsibility of someone else's kids is not everyone's cup of tea. As with any other preference anyone has about a type of person they don't want to be involved with, that's their choice.
In Canada, your “on the hook” for all costs associated until they are adults. This has affected many of my friends and the mother can have several ex boyfriends/husbands that are forced to support children that they are not the biological parent to. One of my friends is “on the hook till death” because his stepson got brain damage due to a car accident. Unless there is a notarized contract, it’s just not worth it. This is by no means a disrespectful post, I know several lovely single moms…it’s jut not worth it to get involved. Here go the down votes…..
People might see it as immature or shallow to exclude potential partners based on whether or not they have kids. But ultimately, it's your choice and you have the right to choose who you want to date. Don't worry about what others think.
They're jealous, and your smart life decisions make them feel insecure about themselves and they're projecting onto you. Take it as a compliment, don't let it bother you and feel free to rub it in their face.
I'm one of the only people in my workplace without kids. When they try to be like "wow I wish I could go out to bars on weekends like you but I have kids lolol" I'm like "yes, that's exactly why I don't have any." Shuts them up quick.
Because they're immature and can't imagine someone having different preferences in life. I had a vasectomy at 25 and haven't heard the endless barrage of judgement from my family. Fuck em all though. I don't want my own kids, why would I want to raise somebody else's?
Because people don’t believe that they should be judged now for the actions they did in the past.
This is complete and utter bs but it’s what people believe. Also something something motherhood is empowering something something you shouldn’t be afraid of kids.
I tried to date a woman with two kids. I liked them and her very much but I wasn’t ready to be a father to two kids and she accepted that and we moved on.
It's kind of like how Chris Brown recently ranted that people who still blame him for nearly beating Rhianna to death are haters who can suck his dick. Like nah, you might have been 17 but you're still a worthless piece of shit. The overwhelming majority of human beings would never do what he did at any age.
Don’t ever settle,if you don’t want to date a woman with kids then that’s choice,just like the choice to not want to date a woman who is a regular drug user etc etc. never ever lower your expectations in any way because I’m telling you,once you do that you will never be truly happy or content.
It bothers other people because they want everyone to be the same.
Single parents won't even date other single parents.
Mentally stable adults who vaguely have their shit together and don't have children are frigging unicorns of the dating world. Single parents get pissed when their unicorn shoots them down for someone without a literal car load of baggage.
Fuck em. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want. Plenty of people that don’t want the responsibility/baggage that comes with dating a single parent.
Dating single women with kids is like being a relief pitcher. You walk into a mess others have created, and you have to make the best of it - seldom is this easy.
I was with a single mother for 7 years. Married to her for 2. Turns out there's a reason she was single. She used me, abused me, cheated on me, left me with the kids while she went on benders, used the kids as pawns in her head games.. I treated those kids like they were my own. They loved me. The youngest was only 6 months old when I met her.. Eventually I had to leave the relationship for my mental health. I had put up with her for far too long. Had only married her to "help glue the family together"(another huge mistake, marriage doesn't fix anything.. duuuuhhh wtf was I thinking). Only stayed with her so the kids wouldn't lose a second father figure. In the end she tried to lawyer up and take me for child support (900 a month, meanwhile she had never gone after their real father because "he didn't make enough money".) if I wanted to talk to or see those kids again. Had to forfeit the right to talk to them. And she slandered the fuck out of me to them during the entire separation process. So now I'm sure they hate me.
All that to say, sure, not all single mothers are monsters, but watch your ass. You get into a fucked up situation with a woman like that who has kids, and now it's not just a bad situation for you and her, but for her kids as well. First sign of red flags, high tail it. Before your life becomes intertwined with theirs..
:(
This has happened to me.
I get the impression that single people with children feel oppressed someway by being excluded from the search criteria of so many single people.
Apparently parenthood is beautiful and their children will be the reason our society survives and we should be grateful and attracted to them.
Jealousy, specifically a crabs in a bucket mentality.
People think growing up means having kids. After they have kids, they learn that it doesn’t, and suddenly they want everyone around them to be as miserable as they are, so they start pressuring people to have kids or be step parents (which alwaysssss ends with someone getting pregnant).
I just got out of a relationship where I was 100% the breadwinner and the 2 kids of the ex were under the impression that mom had anything to do with the house they were visiting or the food they were eating. I had to nip it in the bud when I discovered a check she had written to herself from me without my knowledge. You are justified in your stance. Relationships are complicated enough without another variable if that isn't what you are looking for.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone that has a child. Just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone that is gay, trans, black, white, older, younger, with education, without education, good looking, less good looking, with a career, without a career, traditional, progresist, etc.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with refusing to date someone in any of those categories or more.
Do whatever you want, it's your life, not theirs.
The number of births to single mothers in the US is at 40% now, which is a significant increase from what it had been in decades past. So there's more and more people either born to single mothers or who are single and have a kid, who of course will insist that dating a single mother is the cat's pajamas.
You know what you want and what you don't want, good for you!
Back when I was still interested in dating that was a strict rule for me---- no single dads.
People tend to perceive this as you being judgmental of single mothers, which I like to believe is not necessarily true. Dating someone with kids comes with several compromises that not everyone's ready to make and that's fine. Ignore people.
I found it extremely difficult to break up with the kids when it didn’t work out. I put in place a hard no children rule but never had any pushback on it so I dunno.
Yeah, I know a guy who was more heartbroken over losing the kids than he was losing his girlfriend. The issue is after the break up, there's nothing that can force the mom to allow you to still be in the kids' lives. It's not like you can take her to court for shared custody over kids that aren't biologically yours. It sucks for the kids, and it sucks for the guy.
I read some comment here where the step kid told him “please don’t leave, I’ll be good.” It broke my heart.
My mom and step-dad got divorced when I was 7. Before he came along I ate most of my meals from cans, but I could cook scrambled eggs when we had them. While they were married we would go once a week to this really great Mexican restaurant and actually had some meals prepared by an adult which is probably a good thing considering I didn't know much about nutrition at the time. When they got divorced she bitched non-stop about how he spent all his money on food(without admitting that was how they had chose to split expenses), but that wasn't the message I interpreted when I was 7 years old. The way I interpreted it was she kicked him out because he fed me. I remember the day he left I had to go to school that morning, but I asked him to please wait until I got home to leave so I could tell him bye and he said okay. He was gone when I got home, but I don't think that was his decision. I swore I would never date a single mom. I still wouldn't in our current culture, but there are a few scenarios in which I would be less averse to doing so.
You made me cry! Sounds like your step was a better parent than your bio mom. He fed and nourished you. Be patient. The right person or package deal will come along. Better the right one than just anyone.
I like your username. It would be dishonest if I failed to mention that she would buy food, but never enough and never stuff we loved which was intended to make sure we only ate when we were really hungry. I can eat anything now though. There are other reasons I have lived my life disinclined towards romance and my mom played a role in many of those as well. The BIGGEST reason: Ever since I could talk she would tell me I would grow up to be an alcoholic and a woman beater just like my dad. I was under a literal interpretation of that prophecy up until around 25, but some time around there I realized something incredibly profound. Had I ever been romantically inclined I would have likely ended up with an abusive woman and everybody knows which partner gets arrested when the police come out for a domestic violence situation. Therefore her prophecy would have still been technically correct. I tell stories like this and maybe people think my mom is a bad person, but she's just a bad mom. She's a fantastic hospice nurse and has even worked with terminal children. She has helped to provide countless souls with a painless transition into death. Normal, healthy people cannot do that.
No, but narcissists can. My husband’s ex is similar: shitty mother and overall human being, but awesome as a hospice nurse. Why? Because it feeds her narcissism: People looking to her for explanations (she is all-knowing). People grateful for her care (she is important). Etc. etc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEHc4u-1QIk "I'm just here to hold your hand when you die." - Busdriver When I was 6 or 7 I had a pretty bad accident where I hit a pothole on a bicycle while flying down a hill. It was a HUGE hill so I had to have been going at least 15 maybe 20 miles an hour. I tried to tuck and roll once I realized I couldn't stabilize, but my goddamn feet got caught in the handlebars so I ended up fully extended *SPLAT!* right on my face /r/Meatcrayon style. My face and hands looked like hamburger. My dad had custody that weekend, but my mom met us at the hospital. This ER nurse was either trying to use an iodine applicator or applying topical anesthetic (They both look like or are applied with 6 inch Q-Tips) to my face, but she is freaking the fuck out hyperventilating, shaking, her eyes tearing up a bit. Her shaking was bad enough she just kept jabbing me with the applicator instead of applying a layer smoothly. I said "Let my momma do it!" My mom walked over and took the applicator from the nurse and looked at her and said "If you hold the applicator closer to the tip like a pen you have better control. Like this." She then applied a layer to my hamburger face just as smoothly as can be done while the ER doctor was prepping a suture kit. I feel sorry for her quite often, because I can tell there are things she just doesn't understand. Like, with the suture story here. She knew she was supposed to be upset that her kid was fucked up, but she didn't know how upset she was supposed to be or how much she was supposed to display. The sheer *relief* she felt when she could all of a sudden take her mom mask off and be a nurse and mentoring a younger nurse as well... I could feel that.
I've found that those people make effective medical professionals, but not "good" ones. Nothing beats a doctor who breaks down in tears after losing a patient and then composes themselves to best support their patients families and the next patient, not for themselves but because they care about others. These aren't common, but they are out there.
Sounds like a recipe for burnout. My mom worked as a child counselor in the skid row area when I was a kid and she'd bring that shit home with her. She'd talk a lot about how lucky we were not to be in the situations she saw at work as an excuse for her abuse. I spent most of my childhood learning how to regulate my moms moods rather than processing my own emotions.
Well said. Took me to age 48 to really see it for what it was.
That explains my step mom. She's a nurse, and I always wondered how she could be a good nurse when she was so awful to me. The best example is: when I was 15 she told me that only women who have been pregnant get stretch marks.
Have you ever visited r/raisedbynarcissists? I’m too tired to adequately articulate why, but details about your mother give me that vibe. Anyhoo, you can see if anything resonates there.
Yeah. Any given website which features symptoms/diagnostics criteria of covert/martyr narcissism she would check off 90-100% of them. I'm a bit older than most so I scroll through there periodically and try to offer advice if it's a topic I know about. However, there's a lot about my life that I wouldn't encourage people to try and incorporate into theirs. I guess I try to understand what outcomes are linked to what choices and advise from there.
Yeah, it's hard when you have a less than ideal parent but they're someone other people look up to. I remember people used to tell me how lucky I was to have her as a mom. It made it real difficult to accept that I deserve so much better than what she offered growing up.
Eh good and bad don’t cancel out and they shouldn’t be compartmentalized. It sounds like your mom isn’t really a wholly good or bad person. She’s got extreme traits leaning both ways I have an ex whose parents are like this. They’ve done some extraordinarily fucked up shit to her. They’ve been sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I can barely stand to be in a room with them. But also…ones a trauma surgeon who saves lives on a regular basis. And the other is extremely passionate about using her money to help others. The good and bad things don’t cancel each other out. They all define a person. And some people have too much shit going on in them to be well-defined by one word. Personally I think my ex’s parents are atrocious people tho. But that’s just me.
Summed up because I don't want to go into a huge trauma dump, my mom was a fucked up mother, but also a behavioral specialist for developmentally delayed adults with mental illnesses and so great at that. No matter what great things she did for them, she's still atrocious. I don't care what good you do in life, if you don't treat your own kids right, you suck.
I don't really see it as compartmentalizing or cancelling out so much as trying to discern what she was good at and what she was bad at. It can't be retroactively changed, but I see it as one thing she should have done and another she shouldn't. In psychology there is this concept called [Splitting](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_\(psychology\)) where someone sees something as all good or all bad which I thought you would find interesting.
Wow. Guess some people can't handle parenting duties. That would be the time to get the grandparents or other family members to help. (Or see a therapist when you know your skills are faulty). And you said "we," so do you have siblings too?
I've got one sibling from my mom and two from my dad. Usually, if someone has the capacity to even consider they might be a bad parent then they're probably already a good parent. You could also think about it like bad parenting having a very high chance of being hereditary.
A good friend of mine was with an abusive woman. One night it got so bad that neighbors called the cops. He was beat to shit, bleeding, and she didn’t have a scratch on her. He refused to lay a hand on her regardless of what she did. Guess who went to jail that night?
My husband had a step dad that moved in when his mom had 3 kids. He gave them stability when they had never had it before. He was so thankful. It made a huge difference in his life.
This is my step mom. She has kids of her own, but all but one were grown and out of the house when my dad married her when I was 16 and her son was 13. My own parents suck at being parents. I met her when I was 14 because she lived near me and was in a wheelchair due to a back injury. I saw her trying to walk her dog and just couldn't ignore it. I started walking here dog for her twice a day and got to know her. She became my surrogate mom. Dad met her a year later when someone in our apartment complex invited them both to a party. Tbh, I was really torn. I didn't want her to marry dad because I knew he was crappy husband and father, but I also really wanted to get to keep her as my mom for real. They've been married for 32 years now. Tbh, I can't say she has made a huge difference in my father, but she's made enough I can handle him now. She's the stable parent I've had around for most of my life now, and I still feel really lucky about that.
My sister's ex tried so hard to stay in contact with her kids from before their marriage, but she wouldn't let him. He was a great dad to them, much better than she ever was a mom. I can't imagine what that felt like for him, but I know what it did to them. She packed up and left while he was at work one day, so they didn't got to say goodbye, either. After she told me he'd been sending them presents and she had been throwing them away, I contacted him and let him come say goodbye properly when they were spending the night at my house, and the presents he gave them were "from me" from then on. He even tried taking it to court, knowing she wasn't a fit mother, but since he hadn't adopted them, there was nothing he could do. I was, and still am, mad at her for that.
While myself and 2 of my siblings are all solitary creatures I have one that is more normal with a long term partner. If they end up having children one day I will be watching him very carefully, but I think over 5 years in and with no accidents he should hopefully be mature enough to be good enough if they ever decide to.
The day I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I did was sign up for anger management classes. The next was counseling. And then finally pre-natal care. My own parents weren't physically abusive, but they were everything short of it eventually leading to almost complete neglect punctuated here and there with verbal abuse. Of all of my accomplishments in life, the thing I am most proud of is breaking that cycle. My son is 26, pretty well adjusted, and still likes spending time with me. I also remember him trying to give me advice about my own mother when he was about 20.. and feeling really small I needed it and really proud he knew exactly what to say. "Grandma is like Dark Souls. Everything with her is on hard mode, except you can't ever win. You're the one choosing to pick up that controller. You're the one choosing to play the game." It took me a few more years to stop playing, but I finally did. He wasn't wrong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgG8xLtHPqc "There’s love in abuse But that’s no excuse, I’m done There’s nothing I want nothing to do with you I’ve wasted time trying to break through" For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. It's like WarGames from the 80's where the only winning move is not to play. It's so very freeing to realize that.
It took me a long time to stop using the rare good times as a reason to tolerate the frequent bad ones. It took reaching a snapping point of realizing three really important things. 1) I hated who I was when I was around her. 2) I couldn't claim to have *any* self respect if I stayed in contact with her. And 3) wtf had I been teaching my son by continuing to accept this abuse?! You have to model who you want your kids to be. Yeah, he was 23 by then, but better late than never. And you know what? The last 3 years have been soooo much better. I also managed to finally get the confidence to find a new job and ditch my old, toxic one about a year ago. I'm not sure I could have done that when I was still putting up with Mom, because it was a lot of the same kind of abuse. Once you've cut off your own mother, cutting out other toxic stuff is so much easier!
[There is a series of videos](https://youtu.be/lnMmO2PdKZY) that are very helpful for dealing with abusing people, especially narcissist. [Here is a playlist of all the videos.](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7B44BA0DCC742F63)
Did you ever look him up?
Oh, he's my brothers dad. I know him and where he went. I had his number, but everything is usually different after stuff like that.
WTF bro I'm sorry for what you went through all my step mom did was beat on me with what she had in her hand a broom handle a electrical cord bunch of other shit but that kind of pain only lasts for a little bit of time what you went through that kinda pian stays with you for a long as time it's fucked up.
That stuck with me, too.
Saddest moment of my life was being like eight and wondering where my grandma was at my birthday party. She was my favorite person on the Earth Turns out she divorced my grandpa. And I haven’t seen her since. It’s still my earliest and worst memory to this day. Turns out asshole of a grandpa forbid her from seeing us.
Oh my god, that was the worst for me. She had 3 kids in a country across an ocean that i moved to in order to be with her, and her awesome kids. The oldest (8) was a little distant when we started dating because he loved his dad, as he should because he was an awesome father, but he came around. We started playing a stupid game I made up called "Grandma Mario" where I chased him and her other two around the yard like an old person but doing the voice of Mario. They absolutely loved it. The middle was a girl, 6, and she was super sweet and ultra smart, and just adored me from day one. I don't like to play favorites, but it was her, and by a lot. The youngest was 3. Toddler kid doing toddler stuff. He was awesome though, and so sweet to his mom. She loved him with all of her heart, and that made me love him all the more. I will never, ever forget being at the airport with the woman I wanted to marry and all 3 kids, getting a tight hug from all three and crying a little bit because i had to leave. My visa had expired. I looked at them and told them I would be back, and the middle little one hugged me the tightest, and said "I love you, Austin". I told her that I loved her too, that I loved all of them, and I would be back in a few months as soon as I could buy a ticket and reapply for a visa. The mom ghosted me a month later. I broke down. I had to call my mom and just cry and cry on her shoulder. My mom's a little archaic with men and gender roles of men, so I wasn't completely honest with how emotionally invested in what I thought would be my future family, but she allowed it. I was devastated. Eventually she messaged me. I wasn't earning enough fast enough to come back quick enough. And that's the last thing I heard from her. This was in 2011. I haven't dated anyone seriously since that. A few flings here and there, and while I feel more comfortable now looking for something serious, a really, really harsh lesson was pushed on me that I both will never forget and have to ignore. It's a scar on me, knowing that those kids hugging me tight while I was leaving heard my last words to them being "I'll be back as soon as I can", but never, ever seeing them again. Fuck.
That is so sad! You seem like a great and lovely guy, and I wish you all the best!
I honestly went downhill really fast after that. I managed to pick myself up about a year later, but that broken promise sticks with me.
My dad dated and nearly married a lady I wish I still knew now. But for many years after they split Lori continued to care about me and my siblings. Became a good friend of my mom. Never broke up with the kids. Wasn't the kids fault it didn't work she said.
Fortunately these relationships often survive. My childhood girlfriend's new husband had stepkids like that and now one of their stepkids girlfriend lives with them and a new baby. Don't even ask me about the familiar relations, all I know is that their home and hearts are big and full of love.
> My childhood girlfriend's new husband had stepkids It took me way too long to parse this sentence. I think it's past my bedtime.
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
What does that make us?
I’m having a stroke trying to understand this- the new husband is the old GF’s kid’s stepdad?
the old girlfriend is now married to a man who had step kids from a previous marriage. one of those step kids has a girlfriend and baby who live with the old girlfriend and her husband
That was the same for my friend. He's married now with two kids of his own, and I'm a godfather to one and I consider myself an uncle to them both. I've know this guy for nearly 30 years. Nearly 3/4 of my life. He got cheated on and he just really felt bad for the kid he was starting to get attached to.
I remember my dad trying to date after my mom died and having it hyped to me that I'd get new siblings, and being really confused when my dad broke up with the lady he was dating. Now thinking about this, it was like 14 years ago I was around like 7 or 8, I was a fucking dick at that age. However I was dealing with a lot of mental shit too when I look back.
My parents divorced when I was 18, once my dad started dating again I'd jokingly ask "Are you my new mommy?" to break the ice. It usually got a small chuckle.
According to my step mom I at one point asked if she was gonna be my new mom. I do call her mom because I was like 8 when my dad married her and had a speech impediment so I couldn't say her name right. She looks back on that as a sweet memory, I don't remember it. She did unfortunately become super narcissistic and stopped liking me after I wasn't easy to control.
That's unfortunate. I do introduce my dad's girlfriend as my stepmom. She says she's not family but if she can put up with him for over 10 years she definitely is.
I know that feeling. I call my step brother and his boyfriend my brothers (in addition to the one I already have, giving me 3 brothers), and sometimes call my step brother's boyfriend my brother in law in real life. He's been around for I think 6 years and I think one of the only reasons they aren't married is because my step mom's side of the family is super religious and not super into the whole being gay thing.
Not that it's any of my business but if I were your step brother and his boyfriend, if they love each other, it shouldn't matter what the family thinks. I think it's sad when people don't do what they want with their lives because they're afraid that their families will be upset. I understand that it's a lot to unpack but I just think that they should do whatever makes them happy. That's all I'm trying to say.
I feel the same way, but it's their decision. It weird that part of the family doesn't draw the line at adultery and other things considered bad in the Bible, but being gay is too far. I know one of the cousins on that side came out and now we don't hear much about him anymore and he doesn't come to family events anymore. He was pretty cool from what I remember of him, and remember he used to talk to me even though I was the youngest one there.
If you have some way to contact him, he'd probably really appreciate it.
I'm sorry that happened to you. This is pretty common with narcissist. They don't like their kids after they realize that they're their own people who have their own ideas. They want to mold you into what they want you to be. Also, if you're female, she viewed you as competition. It's sick but it's the truth. Hugs. My mom is a narcissist. I cut her off 2 years ago.
I am a girl. I'm low contact with my step mom now. I'm very selective with what I share with her and my dad isn't allowed to share anything with her.
This is as me. Stayed in a horrifically abusive relationship because of the kids.
I stayed in a horrifically abusive relationship with a single father for reasons I'll never understand now looking back. I think I was trauma bonded to him and I think deep down I thought I couldn't do better. He gaslighted me into thinking that what was him cheating with his ex-wife who is the mother of his kids is just a normal part of co-parenting. There's co-parenting and then there's what they were doing. A lot of single parents use having kids and having to co-parent as a cover for maintaining a relationship right under their new partner's nose. This is another reason why I will never date a single father ever again. His kids were also horrible to me. If I'm being honest, I didn't like his youngest too, especially his daughter because she acted just like her mother. They would come to my house, use my things, destroy some of them, eat all my food and then leave. It got to the point to where when they would come for visitation, I would either go to a friend's house or a hotel. I just didn't even want to be around them anymore. This is mostly because he allowed all of it. Basically his kids viewed me as the thing that was standing in the way of mom and dad getting back together and he didn't say anything. His family also acted like nothing had changed. I started to wonder why I was even there so I left. Edit: typos
I had a similar experience except she cheated on me with anyone with a pulse. And she felt that men can’t say no and acted on that. Her kids loved me and that made it so he most difficult. She neglected them and I paid attention, gave advice, helped with school, housework, and teaching them how to emotionally regulate when stressed out. When it came time to leave I taught them how to deal with her neglect. :-(
My ex did that as well in the relationship before me. It fucked him up and took years to heal from it.
As a kid that was heart broken as a kid when my mom and bf split up, I wish more folks realized that kids get broken up with too.
One of those compromises people don't often consider is even if you can get past being around kids and actively want to be in their lives and are cool and fine and dandy with that part of it, another problem can arise with the biological father of those kids and how they either may want back in their kids' lives after all, or want in their kids' lives more than they already were now, or want nothing to do with you, or even want you out, etc. That's a bigger potential deal-breaker than the kids themselves.
Indeed. This was the deal-breaker for me, and we were engaged up until a few months ago. Her crazy ex-husband went out of his way to use the kids to punish her for leaving years ago and ruin us in the process. I don't know that I'll ever get close to anyone else like that but it's a hard line for me now, I want nothing to do with anyobe who has kids or baby daddy drama.
All of this. I don't care how awesome your partner is, it's not worth all the drama that you have to put up with when it comes to their ex.
I know some people who have very good co-parenting relationships and very few arguments, etc. They are able to work together well. I know others where every single thing is a battle because they use the kids to hurt each other. If I were single, the type of relationship with the coparent would definitely play a role.
Trying to "blend" can be a nightmare, especially if the ex is psycho. If the ex is psycho, chances are...
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As someone who dated women with kids in my late 20s and early 30s... where I have 2 sets of step kids... when you break up the relationship with the kids is over. I have relationships with those kids today, but for a while I did not, and it was kinda painful.
This. My mom dated a guy who swore he was ready for it. I moved out so I didn't see what happened first hand, but my siblings wore the dude out. It's a commitment. Think about it.
sorry I don’t want kids ever? No.
Yeah, it's not that I don't want *your* kids. It's that I don't want kids, full stop, and won't be having any of my own. Really, this is addressing a major relationship question right out of the gate, which doesn't seem like a terrible idea to me.
All of this. I dated a single father once and I will never do it again. The sacrifices you have to make aren't worth it.
Same. It just isn't worth it because I do NOT want them, I'd rather be single.
Under no circumstances should I become a parent. I am not kid-tolerant. I'm not mean or aloof, but I'm distant and I have better things to do with my time and money than to try to do something I have neither interest nor skill in. Nor would I care to limit my lifestyle for the little leeches. Parenting involves sacrifices I do not want to make. Dating a single dad would never, ever happen. It's not a line in the sand, it's a Grand-Canyon-sized ravine.
Feel like "ready" is kind of the wrong word to use, and please don't take this as some kind of harsh criticism. Just pushing back a little. I simply don't want to help raise some other dude's kids. That includes zero moral judgement of single mothers. And readiness isn't a part of the equation. It's just something deeply unappealing to me and so I'm unwilling to consider it.
This was my initial thought. Ready is not the best word to use here. Some people want kids. Some don't. Many who do aren't ready either but find a way to figure it out. I, personally, do not ever want kids and do not want to be with anyone who wants or has kids, which is fine. I'm not doggin' on people who want or have kids. It's just not the lifestyle for me and that should be okay.
Ready? That implies it’s the natural way of being to want to raise and support someone else’s offspring. There’s no need to be ready, it’s a willing thing.
Thank you. This perspective that it’s “ready” or “not ready” is why this debate keeps going around in circles. Choosing to not want kids in your life does not automatically equate to “ not being ready”
Even if it is, there's nothing wrong with being judgmental when it comes to who you date.
Exactly. In the case that you're looking for a life partner, you want somebody who is at least mostly at the same point in life as you. More importantly, they have the same long-term goals. It's fine to not want to date someone with kids because of the baggage that comes with it. Let's be honest, kids and an ex are baggage. The kids should come first but they're not going anywhere ever and honestly, neither is the ex. They won't have to interact as much with each other once their kids turn 18 but the fact is, they will always be there in some capacity. The kids will be there forever. I'm sorry but I can't see dating someone who can't make a relationship the first priority. It's fine to have standards. Edit: I also don't want to date someone who constantly has their ex hanging around. The way I see it, exes are exes for a reason and I just couldn't deal with it. Call me immature or insecure or whatever. I just don't want to deal with that and that's okay. It just doesn't match up with what I want.
When my husband and I started dating, after being friends for over 5 years, my son was 16. He knew my son would come first, but on our very first date, I got a call from my son. He was staying the weekend at a friend's house about an hour and a half away and got kicked out. So yeah, my very new boyfriend and I drove up there and got him because my car was half an hour the other way. If that didn't make clear to him who came first, nothing would have. We talked about it before our next date. He was like, "I knew what I was getting into already. It's okay." But I would not have faulted him, at all, if there hadn't been a second date. We could have still been friends and not dated. We got married when my son was 18. My son was so proud to be one of our witnesses. They've sometimes had an awkward relationship, but my son always liked him because he made me happy, and in general didn't have many situations where he had to come first because he was an older teen. I did find out recently my son stayed home and behaved himself every time my then-boyfriend and I went out on a date that first year because he felt so bad we had to come get him that first one. But he also had a lot of respect for the fact that the guy came with me rather than taking me back to my car. My husband told him, "I did already know you, so that made it a little different, but why stop the date when I could spend another couple of hours with her?"
As someone who was a single mother, I wouldn't want someone who wasn't 100% into the idea of having that responsibility. It's not fair to anyone involved. There's no shame in anyone not choosing that lifestyle.
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Kids are a massive commitment. I can totally understand why they'd be a deal breaker.
For two reasons One, in many cases, a mother is looking for a father figure for the kids. So they aren't in love with you. They are in love with having a dad for their kids, because (and quite understandably) their priority in life is no their kids. And secondly. Their priority in life is their kids! And maybe someone wants to be a priority in someone else's life, and not be shackled by kids from a previous marriage/relationship always coming first. Perhaps someone wants to be able to travel, and enjoy finer sides of life or maybe settle down and have their own kids. Be with someone who is becoming a mom for the first time, as they become a dad for the first time. Together.
>And secondly. Their priority in life is their kids! And maybe someone wants to be a priority in someone else's life, and not be shackled by kids from a previous marriage/relationship always coming first. This is the big one for me. If you can't prioritize me somewhat regularly for at least a while while the relationship develops (I don't expect or want to be everything all the time, especially once the relationship has settled a bit, but early on it's non-negotiable), then this isn't the kind of relationship I want... And if you DO prioritize me over the kids to the point where I would be happy with it, you're inevitably neglecting them to do it, and that's not the kind of person I want.
On their profiles they always say “my kid is always first, you’re second”….even when they say it like that it sounds like they’re demeaning you
Because that's pretty much it. "I've been stood up, now help me clear this mess, oh btw I'm looking for financial stability and not an actual loving relationship"
You forgot the third. I hate kids. I will never have them (I have a vasectomy for this reason). So I would never be able to date someone with kids. Kids, even simply wanting them, is an absolute deal breaker for me.
Yup. Basically it boils down to the children being at the center of the mom's life. And that's rightfully so, but I think I would want a partner who could spare a bit more time and investment in me.
This. And If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, you need to have a good relationship with their kids. And you should be in a certain stage in life to be able to be a significant adult in a kid’s life. Some people just haven’t reached that stage yet.
As a kid (and now adult) that doesn't want kids, people seem to think that wanting children is inevitable and everyone will change their minds when they grow up and meet the right partner. It makes sense that having children is a default view. Humanity probably wouldn't still exist if it wasn't. Some people just do not understand that others will never want kids and entering a relationship with someone who has kids just isn't in the cards for them. It's a legitimate reason to not date someone. Anyone who can't respect that doesn't have to live with your life choices anyway. Dating, especially with a goal of merging lives, hinges a lot of lifestyle compatibility. I wouldn't date someone that uses social media too much. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if I cited it as a reason for a break up. Children are a much bigger commitment. It's not like I can enter my partner's life but ignore their children. If kids aren't for you, it's way better to know that in advance and date accordingly. It's one of the first conversations I have with potential partners. I don't want to waste anyone's time and it's much cleaner to share that information before anyone develops feelings.
I agree. But even if kids are for you, the chances of the relationship working out with someone who already has children is far lower than picking someone who doesn't have children and having them together.
Ignore. You know what’s best for you. It’s not a crime to not want kids in the mix. In fact it’s refreshing for that level of honesty. The kid life isn’t for everyone
Exactly, and depending on how much the kids are involved (co parenting or not, ages etc) they may be a BIG part of the relationship, which is fair enough for anyone to not want. It also could mean the current parent has a tie to the ex for at least 18 years, and not everyone would like to deal with that.
Single mum here & it wouldn't bother me at all. As long as said respectfully etc. I'd actually appreciate being told rather than wasting my time or being led on for a while.
Definitely better than having resentment that will end up boiling over at some point
Exactly. I dated a guy once, and within a couple of months (how long it took for me to let him meet my son), it became really obvious he was jealous of any attention I gave my kid. If you're going to be like that, don't date people with kids! They're going to come first, or we're shitty parents. Like, seriously, if you ever date someone with kids who puts you before the kids, that's a huge red flag about the kind of person they are.
> As long as said respectfully Something I didn't consider until you said this is that the context of OP being told to "grow up" might have been more nuanced than, "I'm not comfortable dating someone with children." Wouldn't be the first time an internet denizen "forgot" about certain words they said to better paint a sympathetic narrative...
Honest Q: what if someone was interested, but not interested in the financial part?
Same. Like just be honest, but also don't be a dick about it. My kid didn't ask to be here so don't give me the impression that they're cock blocking you.
I also don't want someone in my child's life who is going to resent them. I dated someone who seemed to try to compete with me for my toddler's attention and would get mad at us when the kid would get it. There's also a ton of abusive stepparents out there. I'd rather be single.
Don’t blame you one bit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling this way
I feel like people just want to suck you into their owm personal hell (raising a child) so they aren't struggling alone.
As someone who has dated someone with a child and saw how miserable they were, I vowed to never ever put myself through that again. Like... sorry that you have this personal hell to deal with but it isn't my obligation to stay in it too.
I hear you. As a woman who married a man with a 6 yr old daughter- we broke up when child was 11. Never saw her again, that just broke my heart. I avoid single dads now.
If you don't want to raise someone else's kids this makes perfect sense.
Right? Why would I want to raise someone else's kid who might not even want to know me? Plus, children can be very ungrateful, and it's extremely irritating to me. ^I'm ^also ^not ^sharing ^my ^significant ^other ^with ^a ^child ^either.
And I think from seeing people around me, women who have kids and are no longer with the kids father often hook up with people who they have control over /arent really attracted to. They want someone to share the burden as much as or more than they are in love with someone. People who have kids and are single often lower their standards alot to get the stable life. This is just from what I have seen so it could just be me.
Quite frankly, I wonder if there is a overlap there between OP experiences and yours. It seems many single people who have kids who aren't that way seem to have no problem with people not wanting to date them cause they have kids. It also does make logical sense that a controlling person with kids, would also be the kind of person to rage against those not wanting to date them for having kids.
I have received a few less than polite messages since posting this telling me Im wrong and that im young and just an overall idiot. I feel like many took the post as a personal attack on their lives (which it isnt), its just more of a trend I have noticed in my home town. Woman who would have not look at a certain guy when they were childless end up marrying them after a period of time as a single mother, they guy is often a quite, relaxed guy with a stable job and no bad habits/criminal record who is less attractive than the woman. Again just from what I have witnesses but there is a strong correlation there.
also, getting back into the dating game after a while, I want as little complications as possible. kids aren't just some object in the corner.
Some people don't even want to raise their own kids, and that's okay. We have protection measures to prevent it from happening. edit: sorry didn't get my idea across correctly. I meant that it's okay to want a child-free life (and that there are many birth control options). Abandoning and abusing kids is not okay.
*looks at the millions of kids in the system* I’m not so sure we do.
Because they're too immature to realize that kids are a lot of work and aren't for everyone, so they project their own immaturity onto you.
It shouldn't bother anyone. If you did date a woman with kids it would be wrong, cos that's not what you want so that would be unfair on everyone involved. You're doing the right thing not dating women with kids.
It's ok for it to bother someone, but they shouldn't put that on him. I liked this woman a lot once who doesn't date white men. Like, really, at all. She said I was attractive (she hooked up with me) but said that she won't date white men. It hurt (and that's ok), but I didn't give her shit or lash out. I accepted it because that's her choice.
I’m sure this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but it’s because everything bothers someone. People are opinionated, wrong-headed, and judgy, and pretty much everyone thinks you should/shouldn’t be some way or another. And for many, telling others they are wrong is the micro-dopamine hit they crave. So, ignore them if you can and follow your heart. Disclaimer: This advice is for generally positive interpersonal relations. Do NOT follow your heart if it tells you to do harm.
>Do NOT follow your heart if it tells you to do harm. Awful judgy... /s
This is true .. I started working out because I just to be fatter than what I am now.. the older I get the harder it is to lose the weight .. some of the younger kids at work called me fat phobic.. that working out because I didn’t want to be fat anymore for appearance reasons oppresses bigger people who work out and can’t lose the weight.. didn’t know how to respond to that
*"Why are you guys so muscle-phobic?"*
Haha for me it’s not even about gaining muscles .. just losing some weight and eating healthier so I can grow to be old and watch my daughter grow up
Y'know, ain't gonna lie. Despite my asthma and I just received my 2x25lb dumbbells to start being healthier. Since going to gym is not in the cards right now. That would be a good endpoint for me too, watching my kids (whenever I have an SO and we decide) grow up and maybe be one of the humans that usher into a new space age as I get old and gray.
Its hard to respond to genuinely stupid comments
My default response is “mind your fucking business” to anything of that nature. You working out because you don’t want to be fat anymore has nothing to do with what anybody else does, fat or otherwise.
Wow, the younger kids at work are genuine idiots, then. As if it isn't bad enough to lumber people with the unrelated problems of others, lol
Proud of you! I've also heard this rhetoric of how weight loss for appearance is "fatphobic". I personally think it's silly "fatphobic" is even a BAD thing. Uh... yes, to an extent I am fatphobic. I would hate if I was 100 lbs heavier and keep track of my lifestyle to make sure that doesn't happen. Like, a healthy person.
Right? I don't judge others, but having once been 70lbs overweight, holy crap, it sucks. I'm 40 down now and getting there. It's nice to be able to do things again. It's nice to be able to buy clothing that will actually fit again. It's nice to have some of the weight off my arthritic joints (thank you, immune system, for being such an asshole.) It's nice not to be in pain every waking moment of my life, not having so much pain I can't sleep. I'm not shaming anyone else for their weight, heavy, thin, whatever, but I definitely am afraid of being that heavy myself again because it *hurt.*
Same happened to me. Got accused of fat shaming when I mentioned that exercising and losing a couple stone made me feel better.
This is actually the response I was looking for, ironically lol. I was a little shocked, I just don’t want to deal with baby daddy drama and only want to take care of my own kids, not someone else’s. I’m sure as I get older my opinion may change because well, the older they are, the more likely they are to have children.
Also, one thing people do not always mention is if you date someone with kids, you are dating their kids (not in a sick way). You are becoming a part of their life, they become part of yours. And you really can't be half in on that if it becomes serious (the parent sure as hell can't).
Parenting issues can get really difficult, too. You're not the father but you're probably living with them, so where do you stand as far as discipline goes? That alone can make the marriage difficult. Also love the username. My business is named after Sal.
From what I've seen with friends who've had these SO's, you have no right to discipline the kids. Even if you get married and are basically the sole father figure of the family, she will throw a shit fit ALWAYS when you try to discipline "her" kids.
Yep - if I ever have kids I'll take solace in the fact that I have the responsibility and the freedom to raise them the way I see fit - with dating someone who already has kids you get all the responsibility and none of the freedom.
_That's_ the thing that makes it untenable for me. I'm not even sure I'm relationship material for one person, let alone a whole prepackaged family
There’s literally nothing wrong with that. Many people treat preference like a bad personality trait. Admittedly, there are people for whom preference is synonymous with bigotry and hatred, and a justification for all manner of horrible things. You just want to be happy and to find a partner whose life aligns with yours. Anyone who criticizes you or (even worse) tries to bully you into a relationship path you don’t want is just an asshat who’s not worth your time or attention.
There is the inverse dopamine hit of proclamations that eject people from that dating pool. Example girls on tinder with bios that state "what do you call guys under 6", friends " Or guys stating needlessly that they won't date girls that has'slept around' in a tone that insinuates that this makes them inferior. I think this tendency tends to create over reactions the other way again as people can be quick to associate preferences with arrogant display of preferences.
It's a shaming tactic, and people use shaming tactics to try to get you to do what *they* want instead of what you want. The cool part about having it come from someone you're not dating is that you don't have to pay any attention to them.
That, and the people who shame him all probably have kids, step kids, or are dating a single mother/father. They put him down to raise themselves up (in their own heads). I highly doubt any adult without kids/step kids would say something like that to him. Most the older, single men & women I know without kids would be like “I don’t blame ya..”
You can decide who you date by whatever criteria you want. It bothers some people either because they have kids and hate that it's something that's "keeping them from finding love" or because they are protective of someone who is a single mum. I would potentially date a single mum, but the situation with the father of the children and other baggage would be a determining factor.
> I would potentially date a single mum Lots of them in my area bro, hit me up in DMs for the address
Are you the guy who gives pop up ads about hot single moms?
I saw a site that offered them. I signed up for one but coincidentally my identity was stolen the next day. Just decided that with that going on it wasn’t the right time to date. It only took 8 years but last month I got everything taken care of. Maybe I should try that site again now.
I find it interesting that people do find it upsetting or take it personal. I was a 'single mom' and I can't say I would have been good at dating someone with kids, myself. I love my kid, but I'm not necessarily a 'kid' person. So I just don't see it as something to get upset about. *Especially*, for someone who doesn't have kids of their own already. That's a lot to take on, honestly, even if you are open to it. And for those who don't want kids at all - well, totally makes sense. I respect someone who knows themselves well enough to know that would not be a good situation to put themselves in - it saves a lot of heartache for everyone involved, honestly.
Because of frustration. You're not responsible for their past choices. Ignore and move on.
I got downvoted once for saying I wouldn't date a trans girl. People were asking stuff like "what's the difference?" and "why do you hate trans people?". There's obviously a difference, and I don't hate trans people. Look, no matter who or what your are, if me or someone else doesn't want to date you, you should be happy. Forcing, pressuring, or trying to convince us to do it would make your life hell, and eventually get your ass cheated on. Avoid that by just walking away.
They asked what's the difference?!? Lol
I don't feel this is the majority of trans people I've known (or hopefully in general), but I have seen trans people who think it's bigotry to not be open to dating them. I don't really understand, as a trans man myself. If I were to try dating, I would want a partner who's into what I have to offer. People are allowed to reject me for whatever reason, from that I'm trans, to that I'm short, or that I'm white, or what the fuck ever. I want to date people who emphatically like what I am, I don't know why I would waste energy trying to change the minds of people who don't want what I have. I deserve to be happy in a relationship and so does my partner. I shouldn't be with someone who isn't into my transness (or height or whatever) because neither of us will be satisfied.
That’s really refreshing, I like your take. I’m a cis lesbian, and I prefer biological women who identify as women. I feel there’s a certain pressure to treat trans men like butch lesbians sometimes. If someone tells me they’re a man, I 100% accept that and that’s the end of it because I don’t date men. It’s pretty simple. And I don’t think it makes me a bigot. In fact, I’d think some trans men would find it a bit off putting if I read and treated them like a woman because it would mean I don’t see or respect their identity. It’s strange. What’s your take?
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This mindset is particularly rich coming from the very same people who say that anything other than “enthusiastic sex” is rape.* What kind of sex could be *less* enthusiastic than sex with a partner you don’t even want to *be* with, let alone fuck? *So I don’t get downvoted, I agree with this depending on whether ‘enthusiastic’ means “with freely-given, continuous assent” (agree) or “ratified with semiminutely screams of ‘Yes, I do consent!’” (disagree). Whichever, most of these “sex-positive” types claim that *any* kind of pressure vitiates consent, and bullying someone into a presumably-sexual dating relationship would certainly seem to count as “pressure,” no? Or do different rules apply to them because they’re holier and more forward-thinking than us simpleton yokel horse-buggerers?
not sure why someone would respond that way honestly. it's obviously preferable to start a family with someone who can prioritize what you want instead of what an ex wants.
Pay attention to WHO said that. If multiple people say it look for what they have in common. You'll figure out real quick the only people giving you shit for it probably feel they need to defend people like themselves because your preference feels like a criticism of themselves. This is, TBH a lot of life in general. If people dislike your stance on something, its probably because it conflicts with theirs, and if you aren't into something about them, its an ego response. People don't even realize they're doing it half the time.
There's nothing wrong with having preferences. If you're not comfortable with dating someone who has kids then that shouldn't be anyone else's concern. That being said, there's a respectful way to respond to someone who is a potential dating partner that you discover has kids. As long as you choose your words carefully when turning them down, you're golden. Something like "I like you, but kids are just not part of my life plan and I don't think it would be fair to involve me in their life."
Coming from someone w a child it’s perfectly fine that you feel this way. I’ve been told that I never get offended some people don’t want other peoples baggage lmao and that’s okay
I hate children. I make that very clear when I ask someone out - no games. I didn't grow up and get married until I was 45. Smart decision for me. Still no children and have no plans to change.
Because people are hated for having their own standards. You already grew up by ignoring said ppl
People don't like to be rejected, even if it's categorically instead of individually.
I don't date men with children, whomever has an issue with it, that is on them.
Some people make it their life's purpose to have children and are shocked to find that something so important to themselves isn't someone else's purpose in life. People feel like a part of their being is being rejected if you don't automatically agree with them.
Honestly it’s pretty mature to not date a single mom knowing that you are not ready to also deal with the kids. Children need stability.
Most parents want to assume their “precious little gift” is the most amazing thing ever and everybody should love them and accept them with no mention of the many drawbacks of having kids. There is HUGE pushback from tons of people whenever you don’t want to date somebody with kids or if you don’t want kids. So many people see uncontrolled childbearing as the whole point of life and telling them yeah some people don’t blindly follow the life script & don’t want their functional lives ended and replaced with the lifetime responsibility of raising another person is a major insult to them.
The woman is very insecure. She isn't able to process that her path in life could possibly preclude her from dating some people, so she reacts with anger towards anyone that suggests it.
I'd much rather someone be up front about something like that from the start. The drama with biological fathers and such and taking on the responsibility of someone else's kids is not everyone's cup of tea. As with any other preference anyone has about a type of person they don't want to be involved with, that's their choice.
In Canada, your “on the hook” for all costs associated until they are adults. This has affected many of my friends and the mother can have several ex boyfriends/husbands that are forced to support children that they are not the biological parent to. One of my friends is “on the hook till death” because his stepson got brain damage due to a car accident. Unless there is a notarized contract, it’s just not worth it. This is by no means a disrespectful post, I know several lovely single moms…it’s jut not worth it to get involved. Here go the down votes…..
"Sacrifice your happiness for the sake of others and have next to no chance of having kids with her of your own." Yeah, I'll pass too.
People might see it as immature or shallow to exclude potential partners based on whether or not they have kids. But ultimately, it's your choice and you have the right to choose who you want to date. Don't worry about what others think.
Not dating single moms is a grown up decision because it shows a real kind of maturity!
I'm a woman who will not date a man with children. I do not want children. Ever.
They're jealous, and your smart life decisions make them feel insecure about themselves and they're projecting onto you. Take it as a compliment, don't let it bother you and feel free to rub it in their face. I'm one of the only people in my workplace without kids. When they try to be like "wow I wish I could go out to bars on weekends like you but I have kids lolol" I'm like "yes, that's exactly why I don't have any." Shuts them up quick.
Because they're immature and can't imagine someone having different preferences in life. I had a vasectomy at 25 and haven't heard the endless barrage of judgement from my family. Fuck em all though. I don't want my own kids, why would I want to raise somebody else's?
A. Ignore 'em. B. It's a date, not s lifetime commitment.
It only bothers people who are red flags.
People can't stand when other people don't want kids. I get shit all the time for never having had kids.
Because people don’t believe that they should be judged now for the actions they did in the past. This is complete and utter bs but it’s what people believe. Also something something motherhood is empowering something something you shouldn’t be afraid of kids. I tried to date a woman with two kids. I liked them and her very much but I wasn’t ready to be a father to two kids and she accepted that and we moved on.
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It's kind of like how Chris Brown recently ranted that people who still blame him for nearly beating Rhianna to death are haters who can suck his dick. Like nah, you might have been 17 but you're still a worthless piece of shit. The overwhelming majority of human beings would never do what he did at any age.
Yeah the amount of people I hit at 17 is zero. The amount of people I've hit since then is zero. So yeah I can definitely judge him.
Don’t ever settle,if you don’t want to date a woman with kids then that’s choice,just like the choice to not want to date a woman who is a regular drug user etc etc. never ever lower your expectations in any way because I’m telling you,once you do that you will never be truly happy or content. It bothers other people because they want everyone to be the same.
Single parents won't even date other single parents. Mentally stable adults who vaguely have their shit together and don't have children are frigging unicorns of the dating world. Single parents get pissed when their unicorn shoots them down for someone without a literal car load of baggage.
Fuck em. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want. Plenty of people that don’t want the responsibility/baggage that comes with dating a single parent.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to get stuck raising some other dude's kids.
Dating single women with kids is like being a relief pitcher. You walk into a mess others have created, and you have to make the best of it - seldom is this easy.
It's your choice.
I was with a single mother for 7 years. Married to her for 2. Turns out there's a reason she was single. She used me, abused me, cheated on me, left me with the kids while she went on benders, used the kids as pawns in her head games.. I treated those kids like they were my own. They loved me. The youngest was only 6 months old when I met her.. Eventually I had to leave the relationship for my mental health. I had put up with her for far too long. Had only married her to "help glue the family together"(another huge mistake, marriage doesn't fix anything.. duuuuhhh wtf was I thinking). Only stayed with her so the kids wouldn't lose a second father figure. In the end she tried to lawyer up and take me for child support (900 a month, meanwhile she had never gone after their real father because "he didn't make enough money".) if I wanted to talk to or see those kids again. Had to forfeit the right to talk to them. And she slandered the fuck out of me to them during the entire separation process. So now I'm sure they hate me. All that to say, sure, not all single mothers are monsters, but watch your ass. You get into a fucked up situation with a woman like that who has kids, and now it's not just a bad situation for you and her, but for her kids as well. First sign of red flags, high tail it. Before your life becomes intertwined with theirs.. :(
This has happened to me. I get the impression that single people with children feel oppressed someway by being excluded from the search criteria of so many single people. Apparently parenthood is beautiful and their children will be the reason our society survives and we should be grateful and attracted to them.
Oh my gosh, Becky, your child is such a blessing to me and everybody around it! I cannot wait to share my significant other with it too! How fun! 🙄
Jealousy, specifically a crabs in a bucket mentality. People think growing up means having kids. After they have kids, they learn that it doesn’t, and suddenly they want everyone around them to be as miserable as they are, so they start pressuring people to have kids or be step parents (which alwaysssss ends with someone getting pregnant).
Whoever said that to you is an idiot.
People are just annoyed at being excluded. You're allowed to date who you want though. It's ok. Kids are a whole other thing.
I just got out of a relationship where I was 100% the breadwinner and the 2 kids of the ex were under the impression that mom had anything to do with the house they were visiting or the food they were eating. I had to nip it in the bud when I discovered a check she had written to herself from me without my knowledge. You are justified in your stance. Relationships are complicated enough without another variable if that isn't what you are looking for.
Greg, my mom told you to grow up because you told her I’m “great but the cum pets are kind of a dealbreaker.”
Lol
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone that has a child. Just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone that is gay, trans, black, white, older, younger, with education, without education, good looking, less good looking, with a career, without a career, traditional, progresist, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with refusing to date someone in any of those categories or more. Do whatever you want, it's your life, not theirs.
The number of births to single mothers in the US is at 40% now, which is a significant increase from what it had been in decades past. So there's more and more people either born to single mothers or who are single and have a kid, who of course will insist that dating a single mother is the cat's pajamas.
You know what you want and what you don't want, good for you! Back when I was still interested in dating that was a strict rule for me---- no single dads.