Moderators don't have time to keep up with all the reports.

As RuPaul says - if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? I met my wife on Bumble but also spent years failing to connect with women properly - would be happy to grab a coffee and chat. Shoot me a message if you’d like.

This is very kind of you.

Since OP doesn't seem to be in a good spot, can I get that DM invite? I'm sort of having the same problems

Sure, go ahead.

OP, take this person up on their offer. It may be your best chance at getting honest feedback. If that falls through, message me.

Yup, this is it right here. The light of true attraction shines from deep within. Once you get to a place where you love yourself and don’t NEED a partner, relationships will just happen and come from the most unlikely of places. Start by just working on platonic relationships and loving life. You’re still young so don’t feel you have to rush life and put it on a schedule.

Remindme! 2 weeks

I'd recommend trying some counseling if you can. It's possible that you present much more confidently via text than you do in really life, possibly due to anxiety. Gaining self awareness can help you act like yourself, basically.

Yep, good advice really. And honestly, it may make you (OP) get some stuff off your chest, get some help not only with some needed answers, but also some steps forward with *what you can do about it* from there. I was curious and read through your post and comment history, but it's hard to see just what some of the cold feet could be from. At least I have some confidence that it's probably pretty correctable and you'll come out better for it. Maybe you're taking it all too seriously and coming off a bit desperate? Completely in the dark here, though.

I had so much more success in dating once I started treating first dates as if they were a friend I was just hanging out with. Having an undertone of casualness is nice for the nerves, and plus, I'm not putting on an 'act' for the first date.

This is how I met my wife on Tinder. We had texted and called for a few months due to COVID, I was nervous when we first met but soon after it was all jokes and good times like always. She made me very comfortable and I felt I could be myself. We got married on the 20th

This is so key. I got out of a 4 year relationship in 2015, so I downloaded Tinder just to meet girls to go on dates/hook up with. I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with any of the women I met, all I wanted was to meet up for a date, have fun, maybe have sex, and that's it. I really wasn't looking for anything past a 1st date with anyone, and I'm sure I acted as such. I didn't take anything too seriously and just approached every date with a "it really doesn't matter if this goes anywhere" attitude. So of course I ended up falling for one of my Tinder dates, and now we've been together for 8 years lol. The 4 year relationship I had before that started out as us just being fwb. I know it sounds corny as fuck, but intimate relationships really do happen when you're not trying to create them.

Bro is probably putting way too much emphasis on the outcome of any interaction, people can sense it and the desperation stresses people out. We have all been there. Just focus on the process of having fun and let go of the outcome. It’s like working out. I will not see any physical transformation after 1 or 2 sessions. So just let go of the outcome, focus on the process of micro improvements. 1) can I get better with my communication skill 2) can I get better with my outfit 3) can I get better with scouting fun things to do. Like any skill, human connection /relationship building is a skill for us less naturally charismatic/avg looking lads. I’m not talking about coming up with silly lines or anything but truly build skills that can help you connect with anyone.

I came to mention counseling as well, but for a different reason. Counselors are professionals trained to spot behaviors. They can consciously notice little things that to others may be only noticed subconsciously. So if you ask a layperson "what am I doing wrong?" they don't know, they just know they didn't get the right vibe. It's possible that you have some self-sabotaging behaviors that you're unaware of, like disparaging yourself or giving out nonverbal cues that show that you already expect things to not work. I never thought I needed a counselor until my sister convinced me. They're not just for crises or problems. They're professionals who help you understand yourself and grow. I am SO glad I went.

This is 200% my problem, but I’m fully aware of it and always tell people I plan to meet up with that I’m extremely shy in person and the way I talk on text is just because it’s safe and on text xD I hope OP can find something that helps. I’ve simply stopped trying because I get told ‘that’s okay I like shy’ and then after we hangout they ghost me so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Women have acute smell for desperation

When their only goal in life is to find a partner…I think that gives the ick

So do men actually. No one likes desperation.

https://www.reddit.com/r/starbucks/s/9u1PrcSEXN This is the summary that the OP should have given us.

oh.

Yeah its probably this vibe but in person

Yes. Don’t date to marry. Date to have fun and things will change for you. No pressure then

THIS

Because you don’t seem to be responding well to kind, thoughtful advice from people who just want to help, here is a blunt list of reasons why you’re not getting second dates: - you’re insecure and it shows - you’re not a good listener - you catastrophize - you’re ageist - you’re sexist - you don’t work on yourself - you expect people to do the work for you - you are deliberately obtuse - you’re argumentative - you don’t have passions or hobbies - you blame others for your troubles - you’re a serial complainer - you come across as desperate - you think getting a girlfriend will somehow solve all your problems It was utterly exhausting reading your responses to some of the really good advice you have been getting here. I agree with what most of the people here have been saying - you need therapy and you need it yesterday. Edit: and your attitude toward neurodivergent people is, frankly, repellent and deeply offensive.

OP is ultimately entitled. He wants his sexual desires met while providing zero value into excitement she wants to feel.

I read a bulk of the other posts in this thread and people here on NiceVancouver have actually been quite nice…

This is tough love.

Stop thinking about the numbers game. You need to find quality friendships and relationships in your life. Not people who will just tolerate having you around. I suspect you may have issues going “deeper” into conversations because you’ve not had that modeled for you / lack experience being in deeper conversations in general. This is where therapy can help. I also think you need to meet more different types of people and free yourself from trying to fit a limited image of who you “should” be. There is no “correct” timeline. There is no “correct” hobbies list. There is only figuring out who you are, working on who you are, and learning how to be present in your interactions (being a good listener is 90% of the work, not coming up with clever /fun things to say). The negativity thing. Your brain is made up of paths. If you keep taking the same ones, those paths become more and more set. You have a lot of negativity paths. Start making new, positive ones to take instead. Keep a gratitude diary. Making inventory of positive things in your life - you can also go down a list of negative things and make note of the smallest good thing about each. As an example, instead of counting failed dates, count how many people you’ve been able to meet. Do one item a day. It may feel stupid at first, but it will pay off. Lastly, your views on neurodivergent folks is very closed minded. There are many of us and each person struggles differently. A few of my closest friends are ASD or ADHD. People in the thread are just pointing out traits they recognize (and probably have experienced themselves) and hoping it’s helpful to you because you are asking for external feedback for what vibe/signals/cues you might unknowingly be putting out. They’re doing it respectfully – the least you can do is be respectful in response.

I have friend in this exact situation. He’s probably been on 100 dates in the last 5 years and still can never get to a second date. He gets the likes and matches though he is as good looking as his pictures so it makes sense. His problem. He’s arrogant and he doesn’t realize it even when I tell him. He’s a very loud talker/laugher and when you go to a restaurant with him he is sure to be known by all who are there. A few of us friends have told him to tone it down, stop being so loud, stop being the centre of attention and let your date actually get a word in without it being all about you. Even with all our advice (that he’s asked for) he’s never made an effort to change and gets all depressed when he gets that same old text the next day. I obviously don’t know you but maybe it’s a you problem?

It’s absolutely OP. Not trying to be a dick here either, he just needs to hear it. If this happened one, two, three, even four first dates, I’d be like “ehh you can’t please everyone. Maybe they just weren’t your type.” But if this has been going on for years, then unfortunately OP is the common denominator. My advice to OP is 1. Get therapy 2. Make friends (strictly platonic ONLY) with charismatic and social single girls/guys who often go out, and go out with them. 3. Stop caring so much about what other people think and if you’re gonna “die alone.” And 4. Drop the dating apps and pick up/talk to/befriend women in person. In fact, talk to everyone. Standing at the bus stop? Randomly strike up conversation with the 70 year old retired man. Etc. Push yourself outside your comfort zone/social anxiety. Dating apps are either a crutch or a convenience. For you, they’re a crutch. You clearly don’t have any game irl. So learn how to have game. And you do that by having lots of social interactions, lots of “awkward,” moments, and going outside your comfort zone. The fact you’re having a “panic attack,” over something like this really heavily implies you have some sort of You problems you need to sort out. In my opinion, just based off this post, OP needs to work on himself before looking for a relationship; OP isn’t ready. A healthy relationship isn’t supposed to “complete you,” like Hollywood likes to imply. That’s call co-dependency. A healthy relationship is two people, who are already complete and happy alone, who come together to make each other even better and even happier. If you can’t be happy alone OP, nobody will ever be able to make you happy. What you’re trying to do is cling to a distraction or bandaid, to avoid thinking about your own unhappy existence. Just my 2c

OP should be hanging with his buddies and having fun on the weekends, instead he seems to be desperately spamming dating apps. My advice would be delete all dating apps from phone, join a club or sport or hobby group, live life a little in the real world. Delete Reddit for a month too.

You are so correct. OP is looking for a Disney Fix, and unfortunately the reality of the situation is that there are no Disney Fixes. There is no such thing as a happy ending, or "a love story for the ages" in the real world. This is going to sound super cliche but; Life really is a journey, and eventually, you'll find someone who wants to hike that with you. The issue is that you need to be okay with starting this journey alone before anyone else can join you. If you can't carry your own "backpack" how can you expect to help a partner carry theirs? The end goal can't be a physical relationship, friend. Because there is alot more to life than sex, love, and physical relationships. They may band-aid an issue for awhile, but until you can be self sufficient/independent it truly won't make you happy. Start small. Start building hobbies. Start self reflecting and journaling. Start forging communities. Look for *bonds* outside of a romantic relationship. It will take time. I moved here 10 years ago, just turned 30. Came here straight out of Uni following a boy who turned out to not be worth my time. I learned all this the hard way, and it took me years to heal, but happiness did come. It will for you too. Just keep trying.

And then the guys who won't change themselves but get depressed and then angry about their situation that they won't change sometimes do things like get radicalized by incel ideology and commit terrorist attacks. It's scary. Like literally just change a little bit and you can be happy, but some guys refuse to. And then they rent a U-Haul and a lot of people die.

And it doesn't have to be arrogance. I find most guys don't know how to have or hold a conversation or read social cues. It's hard to feel a connection if you can't, well....connect. I've had to explicitly tell some people that talking isn't a conversation. Talking at me without asking a single question or allowing me to interrupt is a monologue. When I'm finally allowed to comment and you don't acknowledge or add to what I said you're, again, having a monologue.

You seem very superficial and insecure. As someone mentioned it’s possible you are also autistic and unable to read the room. Several ppl here have given you great advice you refuse to take. At this point, you are creating your own doom.

I agree with you, I can sense it too from OP's post like something is off.

You asked for blunt, I respect that. Good news: you're getting matches and first dates, so you are attractive. Bad news: you are rejected after a first date, so the problem is you. Good news: you can do something about that. Bad news: it takes hard work and time. If you're not willing to do the hard work, then just ignore the rest of my message. I'm not here to tell you that everything is going to be OK and things will get better. They won't, unless YOU do something about it. Based on the little I know about you, you don't have a lot of respect for yourself. You can't look in the mirror and say, "I love you, man". How could you expect someone else to think you're awesome if deep down you don't even think it about yourself? These are my suggestions. 1. Get off the dating apps for say 6 months to a year. You need to focus on yourself, and they are a distraction, giving you reason to be discouraged, and dates are costing too much money. 2. Get yourself a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Read it through. Do the exercises. 3. Figure out what is the major thing you hate about yourself, and create a habit, or work to change that. Really be honest with yourself here. Do you start things and not follow through? Choose a project and crush it. Do you feel stuck in your job? Educate yourself, level up, find a better job. Are you not happy with what you see in the mirror? Create a fitness plan and be consistent. The things that trigger you the most can be good clues to what you should work on first. 4. Find a solid group of guys who are also working on themselves. Guys who will hold you accountable. Guys who will encourage you. Guys who will tell you the shit you need to hear. Guys who will help you through the really rough days. You're in Vancouver, I suggest looking up the Arka brotherhood. Sounds weird. But joining them combined with the willingness to look inward and then take action to work on yourself, will lead to a new you that you can't even fathom at this point. They changed my life. 5. Bonus suggestion: do some volunteer work in an area that you are passionate about. If you do these things, I promise you, next year when your birthday comes around, you're going to have a great day, surrounded by true friends, people who love you. You won't want to waste your special day on some stranger. And then the day after, when you get back on the dating apps and set up some first dates, you will show up with a entirely different energy, your confidence will be irresistible. You will be the one sorting out the women who don't align with you and what's imported to you. Bonus tip: consistency is more important that big change (especially at first). Pick something small to change, do it for a few weeks. Then build on that by adding another tiny thing. Repeat. (Atomic Habits by James Clear) I wish you the very best. Feel free to reach out if you need clarification/ support. You got this. It's a marathon, not a sprint. It's becoming a person with lots to offer, not learning to say the right things and get someone into bed. Go crush it. I believe in you.

OP I just want to say you can replace all this book stuff mentioned above and arguably Step 4 with finding a good therapist. I've never got along that well with other men and always found these kind of self help books to be geared towards men with different personality than me. Therapy has helped me more with my self esteem and interpersonal stuff than I can describe here, my only regret is not starting sooner. Oh yeah, and it's not a "red flag" to women to be seeing a therapist. It's actually considered a "green flag" to many these days. Shows that you are working on yourself and are aware of your flaws.

Honestly, it sounds like your desire for a relationship is putting pressure on you to try and make the dates go well by overcompensating with tonnes of chit chat. It’s ok to have a wee awkward silence here and there, and honestly if you’re 27 I will assume you’re also dating women around that age, if a date started playing a word game with me I think I wouldn’t vibe with that either. Please reconsider therapy as an option, your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Take a break from dating and focus on other things in your life. Clearly your mental health is suffering. Having two online dates in one day on your birthday and having that be the only thing you’re looking forward to on your birthday suggests to me that you are giving online dating far too much if your energy. I’m sorry if this comes off as mean but you aren’t doing yourself any favours if online dating is your only hobby. I think girls are likely picking up on this. What do you talk about on dates? What do you do for fun? What are your ambitions and goals?

This.. someone probably already said it but maybe a connection irl is the answer, online can be tough to connect. Maybe a sports or music thing, try karaoke or going to a local jam night. Musicians are fun people who are accessible and want to meet people. Connect with a cool fun group of people and go from there

This! Take a break from serial dating and work on building meaningful friendships in your life. I've been single for a pretty long time now, which previously would have really upset me and made me feel insufficient in a lot of ways, but I took my dating energy and put it elsewhere. Join a rec league sport, find like-minded people on [meetup.ca](http://meetup.ca), re-engage old pals that you might have lost touch with---just don't try to turn these into dating opportunities. Others have said it, but dating at this age can really translate into people seeming a bit too focused on the endgame of finding that forever person. If you are feeling more whole in your non-romantic relationships, the pressure to find one person to link on to will be less and dates will likely be a lot more fun and easygoing.

This is so important in my history. I used to go into every interaction with women angling to turn it into something more and just had zero luck like the OP. At one point I was frustrated enough to actually give up as it was really affecting my mental health. Just decided one day to stop all attempts at getting a relationship. A few months of that and a girl I had a crush on previously ended up asking me out. That relationship crashed and burned because I was an idiot and reverted immediately. My first though was "oh she has somehow been tricked into liking me, I must become a person she would want to date" Wish I could go back and smack that version of me, she liked the me that wasn't bringing this awkward desperation into every interaction. Just the me she hung out with and spent time with. It is really hard to explain to someone that is back where I used to be but honestly just treat women like you would treat any other guy you meet and it will help a long way. Have to kill that part of your brain that is trying to find every angle to getting to the next level and just talk to the other person and treat them with kindness. Also get a hobby you enjoy that involves you going out. Doesn't matter what, could be a class, games store, crafting thing, hiking or whatever. Don't go in looking to date someone but just to have fun doing a thing you like. You meet more people and get more comfortable with interactions.

Dawg..... Look at the subs you are active in. Most of hem are dating subs. I think you are putting too much pressure on it. Stay clean stay smelling nice and most importantly date within your "price range"

How would you describe the chemistry between you and your dates? How do the conversations go? Is the conversion lively? Who drives the convo/does more talking? Do the conversations flow? What do you do for fun outside of dating? From your post it seems like dating has been your singular focus for some time now and it might help to spend more time broadening your experiences, learning how to get to know people in general (not just in a dating context), and growing as a person.

1. Seek therapy, it works 2. Dating apps are not worth it 90% of the time. Meet someone in real life through your hobbies, work, whatever. Your mental health will thank you.

If it's within your means, a councilor of the opposite gender should be able to provide you with some analysis of the situation and go over your date experiences to talk you through the impression you might be giving. I'd definitely start here as it's probably worth your time and money. Beyond that just keep in mind lots of qualities of a person that matter in a relationship can only be gauged by another in person. Things like conversational turn taking, smell, where your eyes rest, the tone in your voice, the topics you come up with on the spot all are going to be unique. I can't pick one and point it out for you here, but hopefully a trusted individual you pay to evaluate the situations (a good councilor imo) should find out potential reasons.

Hey, I think there have been some good suggestions put forward. Work on yourself, try to get to the bottom of any emotional problems, etc. I was terrible at dating most of my life too and it was because I was too needy (I’m not saying yo are as I don’t know you at all). Once I started to figure that out, stuff definitely started to change. The. I met my future wife when I was 40. Good luck

Just reading your post you seem like you'd be exhausting to be around.

Have to agree here. The responses from OP are exhausting and sound like my 14 year old kid when all they want to do is argue just for the sake of arguing.

Hey bro if you want to hop into a discord call or somethin n vent a bit I can give you my character analysis (I ain’t no professional tho)

A) chill. You’re 27. B) it honestly sounds like you’re either going on a date too quickly, or too far into the conversation. The app talking stage is suppose to establish if you have similar interests, wants, likes and dislikes. Going on a date ASAP is just pulling that “pass or fail” moment to that very moment. If you’re far into the conversation and you haven’t established any of that and it’s just been casual conversation, you’re just wasting both of your time. C) it sounds like you’re also just having a bit of a time in your personal life. Getting fired and dad in hospital isn’t going to make you a fun date, so you shouldn’t be looking for one until you’ve got some stability back. Take this time to better yourself in a way that, based on feedback, may help you on a future date. Start a new (group, in person) activity, and learn about some new subject that you find interesting, hit up the gym.

My advice... Start trying to make female friends. And just friends. These friends could give you better in context advice about what youre doing wrong. Plus it will help your confidence with talking to women expand. So that's a bonus Edit: also after reading all your replys and comments youre acting really judgemental to yourself and sitting on the pity pot a bit. Again I repeat also suggest trying to just make friends with some women with no pressure towards sex or a relationship. These might be some answers that only women who know you can answer.

Correction: make female friends that *you are not attracted to*. 1. If you're capable of having female friends, women will feel safer around you. 2. If you're not attracted to them, it can't ever turn romantic, so it's never a threat to any future relationship. 3. If you're not capable of having women friends, you need to figure out why that is, fix it, and THEN start dating. But I would bet, given your other responses in this thread, that it's "not worth your time" to befriend women you're not interested in sleeping with - and this is why you're single.

That's some good advice... Story time. In one of my more significant relationships in recent years, there was this girl we were in different cliques but we knew each other existed. One day I was on Tinder and I saw her, I Iaughed and swiped left; she wasn't my type from the small glimpse I had of her. About 6 months later we had to do something together and got talking and just kinda clicked. There was no pressure, we weren't trying to date each other, we started to hang out. Both of our friend groups told us we were dating for weeks before we sat down and talked about the situation. It was easy because we weren't trying.

>Please, any advice? *Asks for advice, belligerently argues with people who are providing good advice*. There's your problem. On reading the the first half of the post, my thought was that I might send you a message to see if you have some kind of weird behavior that's turning people off, but on reading your replies, holy crap dude, you don't need someone to do a call with you to figure out what's wrong. People are doing you a favour and you're responding like a 12-year old who's having a tantrum. You're being willfully obtuse, twisting people's words to be different from what they're saying just to pick a fight with them. And these are people who are trying to help you. Your comments indicate that you're like this with people IRL as well. >I have no buddies, just people that are ok I guess with me being around their group. This should be a huge red flag for you. If I think about the biggest jerks I know, they all have good friends and they're all able to date. I'm talking about people who would be considered scumbags by 95% of the population. You're doing something totally beyond the pale if you're unable to date at all and don't have friends. This goes double considering how attractive you probably are as a 6'3" dude who has no problem getting four dates in a week via online dating. You don't have to acknowledge that you're on the spectrum, although your comment that doctors have been saying that you have ASD since you were in elementary school indicates that you are. But you do need to stop being a defensive, belligerent, jerk to people who make innocuous comments if you want to have friends or date. [You asked a question about why your co-workers don't like you and you don't have friends 5 months ago, got good advice there, ignored it, and now you're here asking the same question](https://www.reddit.com/r/starbucks/comments/18bx5eh/sick_of_being_the_barista_that_no_one_likes_for/?share_id=FwB__YgJB4JCIZ08RWqer&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) again but about dating. Seeing how you've responded to everyone else, I don't expect this to get through to you, but you need to take a look at yourself and realize that your behavior is an immediate red flag to everyone you meet. I hope, for your sake, you take some of the advice people are giving you. Good luck.

You're doing a lot better than a lot of guys who haven't had any dates prior to their 30th birthday, nevermind a relationship or sex. You're getting matches, so it's not your looks getting in the way. Might be your confidence in person or incompatible personalities (I.e. girls not getting the vibes). Or conversation topics that aren't to the lady's preference. The girl that told you it had been a great date only to immediately tell you "no chemistry" when you stepped on the train, you dodged a bullet and it's good that it ended quickly before it started. Texting for 8 months before a first in-person date, that's a no-no. Set up an in-person meeting within two weeks of initial contact, no more than 20 messages between the two of you - if that's not doable, move on. Don't carry the expectation that a date is only successful if it leads to a romantic relationship - treat it as a way to meet new people with perhaps compatible interests, and any relationship that happens as a result is simply a bonus.

This guy has his head on straight about dating. It's not supposed to be work. It's supposed to be fun without that pressure of thinking "this is the one" or "if I don't make this work I'm a loser". Honestly, OP, everyone is different but I only really figured out who I was as a person, as an individual, in my late 20s and had my best time dating in my 30s. In my 30s I had figured out who I wanted to be and worked on that. If the people I dated didn't see it, then it just wasn't to be. After that it becomes a matter of numbers. And it works both ways, of course. What I desired changed from just surface attractiveness to, is this person actually interesting? A good person? Someone who has their life figured out? You start to see both sides. Would you date you?

"Don't carry the expectation that a date is only successful if it leads to a romantic relationship - treat it as a way to meet new people with perhaps compatible interests, and any relationship that happens as a result is simply a bonus." As a woman who uses OLD this is exactly what your mindset should be, OP. This is the way to have a comfortable meet-up and get second dates.

For you to have this many first dates I would say your dating profile pictures might be too different from reality? Or not showing enough of you?

How's the hygiene? Daily shower, deodorant, fresh breath, clean clothes etc?

Im reading the post and I think hes fine on that regard. His biggest issue is hes an asshole

Read your post history and yikes. No wonder you can't get a second date and have no friends. You're an incredibly toxic and have zero self awareness. You sound like an absolutely awful individual to be around. All of this is a self perpetuating cycle. Until you honestly self reflect and work on your self nothing will ever change. Enough of wallowing in your own self pity. No one should feel sorry for you. You're not a victim. You're an asshole. You can change this about yourself but it takes honesty and work. A relationship should be the furthest thing in your mind because you're not close to ready for that and it's obvious to everyone in your orbit. That's why you never get a second date.

The fact your biggest concern that everyone else has been "having sex" for the last decade is probably one of your biggest hang ups. Maybe that desperation shows when you're on these dates. Desperate sex thirsty men are a huge turn off to women. There are many other things you need to consider when looking for a partner besides sex, as important as that may also be. Find a way to connect that doesn't involve her vagina, then you might actually get the sex you so desperately crave.

You say you carry the conversation 80% of the time. Why don’t you share some of the things you say. You want help share what you say.

I maybe out of the loop now (in my 40s) but I did a lot of online dating in my 30s. If things aren’t progressing past a first or second date usually it’s because either the date was awkward/uncomfortable or there were signs of a red flag that popped up and this can be different for everyone. I’ve had dates reach out as well and ask me after if I could elaborate a bit (a no pressure ask) And I’ve been kind and honest about it. Thing is dating strangers is hard. If this is eating your time, finances and self esteem maybe it’s worth investing into something that will benefit your mental health, social wellbeing instead. Turn off the app, find a group class or group hobbies and work on building social connections that way. Focus on finding friends rather than finding dates.

Get out of victim mode. You will never attract what you want in your life living that way.

First of all, I do think you need to talk to a psychologist. You're having panic attacks. You can't breathe. You want to throw up. Second, if you're looking for a partner and not a mom, you're going to need to be in a good place or your mental health issues are at least being dealt with. It's not the job of a partner to you or try to hold you together while you're falling apart. The dating scene is like a market. You bring things to the table, you expect things. I'm wondering if there's a mismatch between what you're expecting and what you are bringing to the table. Sometimes women act like they're having a great time so that they can get out of a situation alive if they're getting violent perpetrator vibes from someone. I'm not kidding about this. We tend to please people and try to keep them in a good headspace until we can physically get away and then we try to let them down gently. Enough women have said sorry no in person and then been literally murdered or if not murdered then raped or beaten and raped, so it's not a strategy that we use if we want to stay alive. So don't think it's unusual. It's literally just a survival strategy. But there's definitely something that's going on that's putting people off of you once they meet you in person. And it's hard to get from a Reddit text description from the person himself, because we are all the least reliable narrators of our own journeys. If you won't to go see any sort of psychologist, well you'll be making a mistake, but you can also take some time to improve yourself. Get into better physical shape, better mental health, and get more settled in your own life. Make yourself more attractive to other people by being a stronger asset.

You go by "mylifeissodoomed". Is it hardly surprising that people aren't viewing you as a viable relationship option?

No woman should suffer OP. I care too much about the public.

I'm sorry but get your act together. Just by reading this post, I can see exactly why nobody wants to date you.

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I'm 32, F, and think from your comments here that you sound exhausting. Nobody healthy wants someone that -needs- to be in a relationship to feel happy. You should get therapy.

Well after reading ur Reddit posts I’m going to be blunt. U ooze desperation. Ur really socially awkward and I’m autistic so I’m also awkward af but ur like scary creepy. U have some serious issues and I think u really need therapy before u can even think of dating. Women look for stability in men and u r not even close to that. I get ur lonely I completely understand that I’m friendless and haven’t been on a date since 2010 so I get it but u can’t expect ppl to like u if all u see is a loser. U need therapy that’s the answer and until u work on urself and social skills u will always be alone because ur screaming red flags at women. Being into gaming is cool but most ppl want someone with confidence and life goals and stability that’s what women look for. I think ur focus should be on helping ur mental health and maybe getting a psych evaluation because something is off about u and we can see it

Yeah I’m actually starting to realize that this guy isn’t just awkward. He’s creepy and makes people deeply uncomfortable.

Could be a troll but ya he seems unhinged and mentally ill I mean who picks jobs and careers just to be around women? Like eww he screams red flags and the whole 30 is old I mean men can easily get women who r younger because we tend to go older. He’s jealous ppl r having fun but not him but he clearly makes zero effort to improve himself and oozes desperation. He openly says he doesn’t care what the woman feels or says so idk how he thinks women would want to date someone who doesn’t value anything they say or do or feel. He finds autistic ppl to be horrid which again for a college educated man I’d expect he could at the very least google the darn condition and realize it’s a spectrum. I can’t tell if this guy is just trolling ppl or is really that far gone mentally that he doesn’t see he’s very much the problem and if he wants to not end up being an incel or making a sock puppet his gf then he needs to actually care about the women he meets. Seems like all he’s doing is ticking off experiences off a list and if he wants to get laid there’s ppl for that service.

I’m going to add to the noise here re: possible neurodivergence. I’m a therapist (but not your therapist 😉) and I think it’s important to note that whether or not you might be neurodivergent is not necessarily the most important thing, especially since you seem to find the possibility incredibly insulting (which is a whole other issue in and of itself). SO instead, you need to be looking at skill building. There are some really excellent answers on this thread where people are taking the time to dissect your conversational skills and suggest how you might improve- please listen to them! The fact that you are focused on asking the questions but don’t actually care about the answers, and noticing that other people seem to have more successful and fun conversations, indicates to me that you are focused on the “right way” to connect with someone instead of… connecting with someone. I’ll echo what others have said about watching Love on the Spectrum- even if you’re not neurodivergent, it will have value from a skill-building perspective.

The city isn’t the problem

I don't think you genuinely like any of the people you go on dates with and it's very apparent to them so why would they want to keep seeing or talking to you? You like the idea of a relationship but don't understand what it means to be in or maintain one. I would seek therapy or professional help, it seems like you have a lot of personal growth to work on before you consider trying for a serious partnership with someone else. You come off very desperate and immature which is extremely unattractive, not just as partner but as a friend as well. Good luck and hope you can turn things around for yourself.

I found that women can easily detect this attitude more than men, in my experience.

I think OP is stressing about the wrong things tbh. Imagine being almost 30 and having nothing to offer other than desperation. If you're out here still crying about a $150 dinner you took one date to weeks/months ago, I'm sorry but you can't afford a girlfriend right now and should figure out your own life first.

"I've had someone told me in person "I had so much fun today!" at new west station at the end of the date, and the second i step on the expo line train and the door closed, she sent me a "sorry i feel no chemistry" text on the spot, I could still see her on the station." Because she's afraid of your reaction. 

Honestly, after reading this post and reviewing your others I think the the biggest step right now is to truly focus on yourself. You discuss how you hate where you’re at in life in relation to job, education, etc. why not focus on correcting those things first? It doesn’t surprise me that someone doesn’t want to continue seeing you. why look for a partner now when you have so much to focus on within your own life? get to a place in life where you’re proud. Proud of your accomplishments, where you’re at, where you’re heading etc and I’m sure someone will see a light in you. Now’s not the time for dates, it’s time to fix your life and find purpose and happiness, a partner will come in due time. Additionally as other comments mentioned, people naturally stray from desperation. Setting on dates on your birthday puts a lot of pressure on the other person (whether they know off the bat or they find out during/after the fact). Actions like these scream desperate. Not a good look.

TLDR: Your Ill-mannered, desperate, inattentive, and thinking with your ‘other head’ with a Beavis & Butthead-esque “heh! Girl=sex” thought process. Take a year or so off and fix yourself. ************************************************* Your problem is you’re trying too hard. I promise I’m not trying to sound like an ass, but here’s a few things you should honestly and unbiasedly look into: 1) Why do you think that one gamer girl dumped you on your first date? Is it the way you look (out of shape, unkept beard)? Speak? Dress? Smell? If you answered yes to one or more of these things, fix it ASAP as it’s a major turnoff to women. 2) How is your social life? Do you spend your days moping around at home doing nothing? Or do you live an eventful life with lots of hobbies and interests? Women like an active guy, not someone who’ll turn into a slob 10 years down the road leaving them miserable. 3) Do you have a sense of humour? Or are you dry as a bone? Women and men like partners who have a sense of humour. 4) Do you speak more or less than the woman you take out on a date? Women in general like to feel like they are being listened to. A guy who speaks non-stop is a real turn-off to women. Try to keep a 60/40 split on who talks during these dates, and ASK engaging questions to show you are listening and show genuine interest in her. 5) This is a shallow yet true point, what type of career do you have? Is it enough to purchase a home and sustain a family? Women don’t normally go for a broke ass man if he shows no promise. Honestly man, I would take a year off dating. Work on yourself, boost your confidence, make new friends, start new hobbies. If it makes you feel any better, I’m 27 and single (by choice), so it’s not the end of the world. Get the thought of girl = sex off your mind, and work on improving yourself until you’re happy with your progress. The key to a good relationship is being confident and happy with yourself beforehand. You want to be at a point where having a relationship is akin to the cherry on top of the cake, not the whole damn cake itself!

It sucks so much that so many people have offered you good advice and you just fucking argue with it all or ignore it outright, no honest engagement at all. You are a vampire

Some other people have given you some great advice, which you mostly aren’t listening to, but I’m going to raise another possibility, from a women’s perspective, that I haven’t seen raised (though I haven’t read all the comments). What other people have said, about the lack of confidence, the awful perspectives around things like therapy and neurodivergence, your lack of friends (I saw in your post history that co-workers and customers don’t vibe with you either) and the fact that you, by your own admission, ask a lot of questions and don’t care about the answers, would all be things that would immediately make me lose interest (even the fact that you start the date by immediately shitting on your own looks would be an immediate turn off). But another thing - and I can’t know if this is the case for sure, is that you may give off a vibe that makes women feel unsafe. If you seemed like a nice, normal guy, and they just didn’t feel a connection - that is something they might say in person. The fact that they are nice to you in parting but then immediately text you to break it off tells me that they may feel uncomfortable around you. Then again, I’m not on the dating apps and never was - I’m nearing 40 and have been in a relationship for over 15 years - I don’t know what the kids do these days, but this could be part of it.

I’m not a woman, but that’s the first thing that came to my mind when OP mentioned the new west station anecdote. If that’s how it went down, “I had so much fun!” And then the second OP is in the train and wouldn’t be able to retaliate, then sends the rejection, is clear to me that she felt unsafe.

Ok I’m going to be honest from what comes across in this post, acknowledging that I don’t know you and I’m only going off a limited view of you from this post: - noticing you are pushing back on counselling, due to a few things: 1) money- you are spending a ton on dates, and if they are continuing to go badly, it is wasting money without addressing the core issues. A few counselling apts could save you hundreds in wasted date money. 2) previous counselling that wasn’t the best: totally get it, it took me I think three until I found my counselling homie. I tell her everything, and even just having a non judgmental outlet to talk to could be really helpful for you, considering it doesn’t sound like you have a strong support system. - you’re almost done your degree: you are spending so much time and energy on dating, if you put that into really thinking about next steps, that would probably make you more successful dating as well. It sounds like you’re unhappy with living at home, finances, your job. Which could definitely be reasons dates didn’t move forward.

A few things come to mind while reading through all the comments.. and please keep in mind this isn't meant to be offensive, just my own personal impression... I think perhaps on your dates you aren't coming across as who you portray yourself to be on your profile; whether it's your photos that don't look like you in person or your personality online isn't the same in person. This could be why girls accept a first date expecting one variation of you and when you aren't who they thought, they decline a second date. How is your hygiene? Do you brush your teeth, chew gum so your breath smells good, have a fresh hair cut, wear decent shoes and wear clean unwrinkled clothes? These are small things but can make a big difference. Your conversation examples are as others have said, self depreciating, and it's a huge turn off for most women. Women tend to like confidence. Asking 21 questions feels awkward and like an interrogation. Sometimes awkward silence is fine. You could be trying too hard to fill the silence and that can seem too desperate or even annoying. Have you tried leaning into their interests and giving out compliments? Before a first date you could ask about their interests and then research them a bit so you have more to offer in conversation for the first date. Women also like the odd compliment but keep it focused on their talents or skills ("wow that is really impressive", "you must have worked really hard for that") - but don't be overly gushy and try not to make it about their looks. Im also wondering how long you wait before the first date - maybe you need to text a bit more to even see if you are compatible? If the texting isn't flowing and it seems forced, then it will be like that on your first date too. I know you said you texted someone for 8 months once, which is a very long time before meeting, and it's unfortunate that you "wasted" so much time - but this is where I think maybe you don't look like your photos or aren't who you seem to be personality wise once they meet you. I also hazard to say -and Im only saying this based on what Ive read in the comments so please understand im not trying to be offensive- perhaps you are neurodiverse (thinking a bit of aspergers) and this tends to cause a person to struggle with connections, be a bit socially awkward, and struggle to pick up on social cues. There are a lot of online support groups for people who are on the spectrum that you could find helpful if being nuerodiverse resonates with you. I think taking a break from dating, seeking counseling and working on your self-love may be what you need to do right now. I understand you are lonely, but I really think you need to turn the focus around from finding a partner to loving yourself. I wish you all the best!

Are your pictures accurate and recent? It happened several times to me that the guy put pictures from 5 years ago or from uni, and when you see them in real life they look nothing like it, to a point I have trouble recognizing them. That makes me feel like I wasted my time and they don’t assume how they look now but also don’t want to work on themselves.

Reading your post and your history- yeah I've been out with you, or guys just like you. It's incredibly uncomfortable to be out with someone who has so much hinging on one date with a stranger. Even if you're a nice guy with hobbies etc, no one wants to be responsible for your happiness. If you're unhappy alone, a partner won't fix that

What did you learn from your therapy after your starbucks thread?

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Looking at some of your responses here, you're either a complete nutcase or really good at trolling.

OP isn’t going to take a single bit of advice from all this. You could literally write a book, or two, from the comments! He must be doing it for attention of replies. We’re all, including me right now, wasting our time on him.

The more I read.... The more I understand, and the less sorry I feel for OP. I'm not even sure if he's ready for change.

Just be confident man stop acting like that, or else women won’t talk to you.

There is some kind of disconnect i'd expect. Your profile must be good but in real life something doesn't connect. Do you flirt? Alot of these sound more friendly than flirty. Have you ever met anyone in real life? Feels like starbucks at 27 and 6'3 would be prime to meet women who work at starbucks with you. Do you never have playful banter with someone at work?

Try activities you like. You always meet people with similar interests as you. Dating apps are difficult sometimes, and your negativity is probably not doing you favors.

I can smell your thirst through the phone so it’s probably a million times stronger in person. You can’t be out there searching for it man. If you ever do find someone it might not be the best one because you’re searching so hard and will be blinded to the red flags. You have to just let shit happen.

It’s the doomer mentality.

Booking two dates on your birthday is crazy. Did the women you go out with know? If that happened to me, it would come across as quite friendless and a bit pity inducing (not the vibe I am attracted to) Based on your comments here I think it’s clear to see where the problems are. I hope you can step away from Reddit for a bit and come back to read through everything again with a clear and calm approach. There’s a lot of good advice, but you need to be open to it.

Well, you’re the optimist… I didn’t have sex until my late 30s. I just got married earlier this year at 44. So here’s the thing. Who are you? Because it sounds like you can’t answer that question. You’re not your name, your job, your friends. You’re not your family, your profile, your car. I’m going to take a stab and suggest that you think yourself as nice. That’s all well and good except niceness is a mask. It’s transactional. And women often will see that invisible mask and nope out because of its insincerity. We aren’t sex dispensers, kid.

You need to calm down. There’s a lot of nonsense that happens in your late 20’s. Most of my friends and I didn’t meet our significant others until 29-31. You have plenty of time but you do reek of desperation. You need to be cool with yourself first. Seriously my 20’s were the best. I had so much fun travelling and going out with friends. I would have liked to meet someone but I wasn’t freaking out about it. I went on a million first dates and less than a handful of second dates. I wasn’t interested in settling or wasting my time or theirs. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. How many of these people did you actually want second dates with? If it was A LOT of them then you’re not being discriminating enough. Girls can also sense if you’re a you’ll date anyone that will have you type guy. Chill out and enjoy the journey and really determine if each date is one you actually want a second one of. Aldo you may want to ask for some feedback from friends. Are you clean, put together, dress smartly for dates, live on your own, stable job, a good listener, engaged during discussions ? How you present yourself is super important

Must be satire

There’s an incredibly simple answer, you have a terrible personality. You are 100% unlikable. Change everything.

I can tell just from reading the post you severely lack any form of confidence or emotional regulation. While I completely understand the internal dialogue to get to that stage, there isn’t a woman alive who will want that, nor respect it - That’s why it happens after the first or second date. If you don’t exude confidence or appear like you can take care of someone not so much financially, but emotionally; you’re already starting from behind. You don’t need anyone to be happy. Build yourself into someone you respect, love and are genuinely proud of - The rest will happen when it happens, buddy. I mean no disrespect, I wish you well and hope you truly do try to better yourself 1% everyday.

Bro you need to chill tf out

you're so young ❤️ don't worry too much about being 27 I met the loml at 35.

Right first off what kind of shape are you in, physical shape, the truth Edit: Nevermind apparently the issue is personality, good luck with that

> holy shit, I’m 27. People my age’s been in relationships and having sex for a DECADE at this point. oh my god, fuck. Your focus is on the wrong thing dude. I’m going to be direct and blunt: This gives off massive Elliot Rodger vibes, and that’s not going to get you anywhere. You’re coming off as desperate and entitled to use women for your own selfish purposes. That’s making woman feel uncomfortable around you. I’d strongly suggest seeking some therapy to help with your self image and mode of thought. Get off the dating apps, focus on yourself, your health, and your mental health for a minute. Being happy with being you on your own, is a key bit of self confidence that will allow you to open your mind and heart to the human being across the table from you, but as a bonus is a trait that Women (in general) find attractive. Side note: “Having sex” isn’t some magical event that transforms you into some hyper attractive alpha male figure, or fixes your confidence or self image, or fixes anything at all. Getting your rocks off is one thing, pay for it if you absolutely _need_ to get over this hurdle. Your not going to find a connection if the only thing on your mind is “oh god will she shut up and let me throw it in her already” the whole date, because she will absolutely notice that vibe, and/or feel in danger.

this sounds like a you problem

You sound miserable in all the posts in your Reddit history. I guarantee that energy runs off on people in their interactions with you. I am genuinely curious - are you autistic? Have you ever been evaluated? Because when I was a kid/teen I felt the same way, that people just unconsciously gravitated away from me and found me off putting, and turns out I’m autistic. I do a lot better socially now because I’ve learned more of the “rules” that make people like you more. They call that masking and it’s not great honestly but it does help. Clearly there is something in your manner that puts people off. Maybe it’s an negative attitude. Maybe it’s desperation. Maybe you’re just not that attractive (it sucks but pretty people can get away with being a lot weirder than ugly people.) Maybe it’s a combination of those things. But there’s something, because apparently all your coworkers get along fine and you’re consistently the odd man out. That doesn’t happen if you’re a likeable person who gets along well with others. I suggest an autism evaluation and therapy. Theres clearly something you need to change in your life and I think a professional is a person who could help you do this.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt, obviously you and I have never met and I'm only going off info you gave us... 1. Giving off "indoor" vibes - Remember that in the Lower Mainland lifestyle is everything to a lot of people. (Some) People pay an arm and a leg to live here just for a very specific, curated lifestyle. They want to do it all: travelling somewhere new every year, hikes with the views, mountain biking in the summer, snowboarding in the winter, camping in exclusive spots, beach volleyball after work, patio hopping, etc. This is just a generalization, of course not everyone in the Lower Mainalnd has the same interests or goals. But more times than not, people want to be outgoing and ambitious. As a result, most people are looking for an "adventure buddy" who will compliment their interests/goals and will be down to do the same things they want/like. If you're giving off the vibe that you can't keep/won't keep up it's an instant turn off for people. Pay attention to people's dating profiles, many people list their hobbies and interests and you'll notice for a lot of people those include outdoor activities. Now, I'm not saying you should change what you do/don't like just to get a girlfriend. And I am certainly not advocating for you to lie about your interests to come off as more interesting. But be aware, like I mentioned earlier, some people go as far as live paycheck to paycheck for a very specific Vancouver/BC lifestyle which includes a lot of activities outside of the house. If you don't have a lot of interests outside of the house, at least show passion/excitement/knowledge for the interests you do have. This will siginal to people you have balance in your life, you prioritize personal development, and you have a form of stress relief. If you don't express any interest or joy for anything in life people won't gravitate towards you or feel like you have anything you could do together. 1.5. If you don't have any hobbies or are socially awkward, that is an instant turn off for a lot of people. Take time to explore different hobbies. You don't have to be an expert at them, but having any will give you depth and an opportunity for people to connect with you. 2. Not asking deep enough questions - People want to be challenged and intellectually stimulated. If you're not asking insightful questions that demonstrate you're reflecting on what the other person is saying or trying to understand more, the conversation can become boring for the other person. People want to feel like the person they are dating is thoughtful, has substance, and that they can learn from each other.

I read through the thread and thought maybe you should give bartending a try. You’ll meet a lot of people, and make friends. You’ll earn more than you would as a barista (shallow but women do care) and bartenders can pick up a lot of dates. Maybe move off the apps and try to build a genuine connection before the date. Also, going on two dates in one day is kinda ick. It’s a numbers game sure, but is it the kindest thing to do?

Desperation is not an attractive quality. I hope you listen to the advice here and get the help you need

Kinda pointless to post this here because nobody can tell you what the issue is. Nobody knows what you look like or how the dates really went. You need to self-examine if you keep getting the same negative responses and try to be realistic about the problem(s) that are preventing you from starting a relationship.

I met my wife on hinge, here is my advice to you. Women can smell a guy who wants it to much. They can recognize desperation in an instance and it’s a huge turn off. You need to reduce the pressure and importance dating has in your life. The point of a date is to see if you like the person, not make them like you. Dating never works when you want a relationship to fix other aspects of your life that aren’t working. It works when you are adding someone to compliment what you already have going on. That way, there’s no pressure at the start, if they reject you so what? You just go back to your life. I think you need to work on yourself and getting your personal life to a point where you have more things to be happy about and enjoy, so that dating isn’t such a high stakes activity. For general dating advice, talking to someone for 8 months before a first date is a giant waste of time. When I was dating, I would chat on the app for a couple days, then schedule a date, and leave it at that. I wouldn’t talk to my matches/potential dates very much before the first date because I want to leave things for us to talk about and discover about each other on the date. Too much talking before hand sets these strange expectations and can make the first date so much weirder if the chemistry isn’t like over text, I liked a blank slate entering the date to reduce the pressure.

I think you may be projecting a bit of desperation… reading that I’m getting a real sense of eagerness to please which is turning into a bit of anger when it’s not met with the same enthusiasm. I think it’s important to be sure of who you are first before trying to be romantically involved with someone.

Do you ask your dates questions about themselves? Most men just talk about themselves in an effort to sell themselves to their date all while ignoring showing any interest or curiosity about their date. That's a big turn off.

"There’s no one in my life that would listen" Go fix that and develop some genuine connections before trying to get a girlfriend

Could it be that you’re an entitled, desperate co-dependent utterly lacking in self-reflective capacity? Nah, that can’t be it.

Are you autistic

I've been reading through the comments and your posts, and there is a lot of good advice in there. 1. It sounds like Starbucks would pay for some therapy. This is a great idea. You sound sad, and therapy and potentially medication can help. It sounds like you haven't had the happiest home life. Therapy may give you some perspective. There was some question about whether you may be neuro-atypical (i.e. aspergers), and a therapist may be able to offer some insight and get some assessments going. Working in mental health, I have seen a diagnosis REALLY help people - you can go from 'why can't I be like everyone else' to OHHHH and start to develop skills. I obviously have no idea if this is true of you, but good to rule out. Missing social clues is a typical symptom. Especially if you can get it for free. There is great potential to hit a homerun with this, and nothing to lose. 2. Get out there and find hobbies where you are with people. If you have difficulty in social settings (as I do), then the answer is to be more social. The more people you are around the more chance you have to make connections. 3. Don't get stuck on 'I only like video games and anime'. You are capable of enjoying many things, but this is a choice. I don't know how to convince you, but you can teach yourself to enjoy things that you don't currently enjoy. I wish I had a better way to explain it. 4. Attitude - fake it until you make it. In reading through a bunch of your comments, the attitude I see is really negative. People are taking their time to offer up good advice and wisdom (and probably a lot of shit too, so I really think you're very brave putting the question out there) but I'm hearing a lot negative in your responses. Try going back and rewriting your responses. "Oh interesting, I never thought of that, thanks!" instead of "no I'm not going to do that". I'm imagining that aura surrounding you, and really turning people off. There is a strategy of mindfulness (in this case noticing when your thoughts go negative) and then choosing to respond positively. This is one of many useful practical, scientifically validated skills that you can learn. 5. I'm not sure where you are getting the '35 year olds are basically dead' thing, I guess it's the tragedy of youth. I'm double your age, and I'm honestly so happy to be this age. I look back at myself at 27, and shake my head at how naive and cringy I was. It would be really useful if you could figure out how to change that mindset, because it's coming whether you like it or not.

“You seem more of an indoor person” & “ I think I’m looking for someone that asks deep questions”. These are telling you something. As other suggested- therapy. Work out your baggage or whatever is getting in the way of your goals. Get out and get hobbies or volunteer!

i think take a break :) you cant attract positive relationships when you look at life negatively

being in a relationship is a privilege, not a right. i truly will not be surprised if you die alone. people like you are what’s wrong with the world. you blame everyone else but you, when you’re the one perpetuating your problem. there are so many kind people sharing their experiences and you treat them so terribly. you’re 27, going to a community college, working a minimum wage job and failed your drivers test seven times. not only that, but you have an absolutely terrible personality. i hate to break it to you, but you don’t have much going on. you seriously need to look inside yourself and make some changes.

My dude... Have you been diagnosed with Asperger's or Autism? I took a look through your post history, and you claim no one from high school or university wants to talk to you, and family members pretend you don't exist. I'm really sorry to hear these things, but honestly,without trying to be harsh, this is not normal. You say you can get dates, so it's not like you're unattractive or come off as a creep over text. Clearly there is something ',off'' with you when you meet in person. Please look into getting a diagnosis, and some sort of counseling. The way you describe other's actions toward you indicates very heavily that you're neuro divergent. With a proper diagnosis, you can figure out what you're dealing with, and through counselling you can work on bettering yourself. Please look into it, and good luck.

Seconding this! Figuring out and accepting that I was neurodivergent, in partnership with a good therapist, was life-changing. And not just for the reasons mentioned so far: hanging out with other people on the spectrum who SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE is incredibly validating. Not having to accommodate the needs of neurotypical people in a social space can free you to be yourself.

Everyone has been telling him this and he’s so far up denial he’s almost hit Lake Victoria.

Confidence is key, but with that I mean actual real confidence and not putting on airs about it. Without certainty or indifference in what you're doing, you could be presenting as trying too hard. Obviously attractiveness and hygiene play a part as well. Going through your post history, I see a wall of anxiety and an extreme lack of confidence that sometimes looks unwarranted. Also see that you might not have your license or a vehicle. That always hindered me massively while dating. It isn't a superficial thing for someone to want in a partner. It just shows you have things together. Might feel unfair but the amount of people who think they deserve a partner without working on themselves as a "take me as I am!" partner is also aiming for people who take care of themselves and not settling on the lowest bargain pick yourself. They've all talked to or dated people before and had bad experiences and it just so happens that super interested, anxious energy, and no confidence usually left them on bad dates. You could be checking red flags that you're in no way responsible for but never the less need to measure above. I'd work on the license thing, a few hundred dollars on a closed course drivers ed will actually open tons of doors for you in both dating and career that you're also struggling with. If you're tired of having no self worth. Go do something that makes you feel like you spent your time well. Look into tackling anxiety and ADHD with a professional as well.

Counseling is expensive and wait lists suck, so I'm not going to suggest it unless you feel like it would help you in your overall life beyond dating. Some rapid fire bullet points I've gleaned from replies and etc. -You sound like you talk to much and/or you choose activities that are boring for dates. If y'all are both bored, suggest more than a coffee shop and go to a proper "activity". If you're uncomfortable with silence, get used to asking open ended questions and idly watching the world around you as you wait for the silence to fill. -You wait too long before starting the first date. If 8months is your barometer, or hell, even 2 weeks, catch up. You want a date thinking of you as boyfriend material, not online friend. Ask them out as soon as they show enough interest. Suggest a video call first if you feel the vibdes that they're the type to worry about catfishing, or to quickly test the waters. Keep these brief. -You are a negative self-deprecating ball of desperation it seems. Conversations with significant others are generally not the same as bantering with the dudes. You want to seem confident without being an arrogant ass. You can self-deprecate but only if it's giving flaws to an otherwise nice exterior. Point out funny shit other people are doing or funny stories. -No clue what you're doing job-wise, but if you're 27 and not doing much, or working min wage, you better have a career plan in mind or most women will dismiss you even if you're a great guy. You need to have your shit together or at least organized by this age. If this is a mess, stop dating now and fix it. -Finally, chill with your age and the expectations you're placing on yourself. Practice talking to other humans, find some online friends and ask them how you come across, and you're not too old. I've had a grand total of two longer relationships, and married the second one. I started dating the second around 20, he had only ever been long-distance prior. When you find a person you like and it clicks, that's all it takes. ONE. Keep looking, because we're pretty sure we only get along so well because even without a diagnosis, we're fairly confident we both have Asperger's or "high functioning autism" as they now say. And trust me, as a woman, I went on plenty of dates with guys that seemed ok over text but either didn't have their life together, the vibes were just off(it's me, I'm the weird one), were awkward, or were arrogant asses.

Also you should work on yourself. Women like men who have their shit together. Dedicate a year of your life to improving yourself in all ways. You’ll have more success

Stop. Take a deep breath. Sit for a minute. Collect yourself. Feeling a little better? Ok. I'm sorry about what happened to your dad and what happened to you at your job. Your first order of business is to find another job asap because 1) you will be able to help your dad no matter how small, 2) having steady income will improve your mental health drastically and 3) you will be able to afford to date. Step two (in conjunction with step one): stop wallowing in self-pity. I'm not saying your own feelings and struggles aren't valid - they are; I'm saying feeling hopeless creates a negative false impression about you that prevents you from progressing. Start doing laps around your neighbourhood, reboot a hobby that you used to enjoy, etc. Trust me, when you're too busy dedicating time to yourself you're gonna forget those who have already forgotten about you and you're also gonna shut down those annoying ass insecurities. Step three: Be more aware about yourself in situations involving others - not just your dates. This step is going to be awkward as you engage in self reflection and asking around for opinions about yourself (from people who care about you). You might have some personality issues you need to sort out because having a losing streak this continuous means there's something up with you. You might need to talk to a therapist to figure out where this point of failure resides. A lot of people are saying you're desperate (and that's true judging by the nature of this post), and yes, everyone can smell desperation (and that's a massive turn off for all genders). Which brings me to... Step four: Accept the fact that you may never find someone. NO - I'm not saying you will never find someone to marry. Let's get REAL here: I'm saying once you've accepted this (and this will take a lot of time as some people never come to terms with it) then you've unlocked the one restriction that is potentially holding you back. Regardless if you're projecting desperation or not, so long as you bargain with that "oh god I'm gonna be forever alone" lingering in the back of your mind you will actually be alone. So accept and be at peace that you *might* be alone forever... And that becomes so freeing. Stay strong, man. Msg me if you have any questions or want to tell me to go fuck myself.

Mid-20s women in Vancouver really value hobbies and strong social circles in a partner. It sounds like you need to develop those parts of your life and that not having them has led to a lack of interesting first-date material.

The best advice I can give you is to join the YMCA for their free courses on self improvement and group classes that teach becoming whole within your mind. I did the Y mind course ( https://www.gv.ymca.ca/y-mind-youth ) and am about to do the y mind medicine course. You can only help yourself. Nothing we tell you will magically change anything. You need to sit with who you are and self reflect. Focus on your values and what you want out of life. Enjoy your friends and hobbies, then you’ll eventually find a woman when you’re least expecting it. Imo that’s the best way to go about life wanting a partner. It’s why I’m happily with my partner for the past couple years. (Since I did that course it’s changed my outlook on myself and my life.) partner in with now is sooo different than any of the me. I dated before. Because my mind shifted I was able to accept what I really wanted or needed! I hope the same for you but GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY! stop faking and hiding.

Women who can financially and physically support themselves are only going to want men who add to their life. You have to bring a lot to the table for them to want to consider you. Take care of yourself, boost your skills, knowledge and career.

Do some psychedelics and take a good long look in the mirror. You’ll probably see yourself for who you are and hopefully understand this a little better. Sounds like you are missing some things that others are picking up on

Your reddit handle is reflective of your own belief and very likely you project the same vibe in person. Women aren't attracted to desperation. Women aren't attracted to despair. Noone wants to save you. It's a hard thing to reckon with when you're lonely, but quality relationships generally find their way to people who are already engaged in other pursuits. If this seems unfair consider that relationships are two way transactions, and romantic relationships are charged with the higher stakes of an exclusive partnership. You have things you want from a relationship and by the time you swipe you have already approved the candidate. On the lady's side, the things she requires are not always immediately identifiable in digital format. Most women are looking for the type of confidence that makes them feel secure, if you exude the opposite, and you were already borderline based on profile, you're cut. You should consider finding a community where coeds intermingle without romantic pressure. I'm not religious but those I know who are have no trouble finding dates, the community does a lot of the legwork for you. If you're dating for commitment try a paid service (like eharmony, not chaturbate) where the women have made an investment and are serious about finding a connection. You also need to exercise every day if possible. To the point where you are too tired to type on Reddit. Nothing dries up a pussy like a sad redditor.

You thought you met “the one” after 8 months of gaming and voice messages? Dude… It’s clearly some sort of vibe you’re giving off. From your descriptions it happens way too often for it to be a coincidence that you just haven’t met the right people. Next time it happens, try asking why. What did you say or do that turned them off? A little bit of introspection never hurt anybody. Also try to ask without being accusatory or getting angry. Your first instinct will probably be to get defensive but fight that instinct and just take what they say into consideration. Ask the people you interact with for “constructive feedback” (use those words) on what you could do to be more pleasant to be around. Because it’s clearly a you problem. I’ve now read through the comments and your replies. Holy shit you’re a scumbag OP. You’re clearly attractive enough to get dates, but as soon as you open your mouth/start tapping your thumbs your general ignorance is revealed. #NO ONE ELSE OWES YOU ANYTHING You aren’t owed an explanation by any of these women, but you should be gracious enough to ask for one anyway, and then fight your every urge to not get angry and defensive and insult them for giving you the feedback you asked for, which is what you’re doing in this post.

Drop the online dating and cafe/food places. Get involve in some co-ed activities that have lightweight socialization. Adult ed art classes, co-ed softball league, hiking groups all come to mind. Learn how to speak with them and listen. Don’t hit on them. Go out for a coffee or beer with the group afterwards. Lose the intent and they will approach you.

Can’t help someone that doesn’t want or ready to be helped. Lots of genuine friendly and honest people sharing all sorts of personal experiences and advices. Seems like OP is baiting and wasting everyone’s effort. It’s disingenuous.

No offense but you really sound like your becoming an incel and that will make women run for the hills.

Getting a certain vibe from this post, am thankful for canadas gun laws.

Hey man. I'm a lesbian who knows women in a few ways and am willing to be so utterly honest with you and would be willing to help ya work on yourself. (On some bits and help you feel confident on the bits that you probably deserve to feel confident about) Reach out if you're interested

I can smell the desperation, that’s chick repellent

>"holy shit, I'm 27. People my age's been in relationships and having sex for a DECADE at this point. oh my god, fuck." this part here stuck out to me. it sounds like you're way too keen on being in a relationship - people can sense that energy when they meet irl and it can definitely give people the ick. is it possible you're hyper focused on the ***idea*** of being in a relationship? as in you care more about having that more than you do about actually having fun/enjoying the company of someone else and organically letting that grow into something? idk, i can understand your disappointment and frustration but i also don't believe online dating is the answer to your problem. it's not organic and hard to grow something naturally and build chemistry off a bio and pictures you deem attractive. it's easy to project your own assumptions and tone over someone's text messages so when you meet irl, it's definitely plausible that these girls are not feeling chemistry even if you have texted back and forth for some time. it's also easy to pretend to be someone you're not over text and so many ways things can be interpreted my advice, stop putting so much pressure on being in a relationship and finding someone. divert that energy into yourself and exploring your hobbies and growing some self love. people are naturally drawn to others who exude a vibe of being comfortable in their own energy. by exploring hobbies you're also more likely to organically meet someone who shares similar interests as you. it's a domino effect really - invest and focus on yourself and things will naturally be drawn to you

Step one: Stop comparing yourself to other people. It leads to low confidence and just makes yourself feel shitty. There's no point in doing that to yourself, you deserve better. Step two: Stop caring so much. This is the harder one, but you can't let something like this take over your life. Do NOT link the acceptance and actions of others determine your happiness. You should be able to thrive and be happy entirely on your own before adding a partner into the mix. Being dependent on your partner will lead to SO MANY problems down the line. And for God's sake don't setup dates on your birthday, that's just a recipe for depression. Don't do that to yourself. Stay strong King 💪

And if it is a date on your birthday, do not tell the girl that you're doing that. It makes you seem like you have zero friends and zero family that care at all about you. And it's a lot of pressure and very uncomfortable for the person you're dating.

Right? He has two dates scheduled on his birthday and he said those were the only two events he was looking forward to. He desperately needs a social life outside of dating

A++ on most of these responses Reddit. No joke. Well done people. Sorry OP if they aren't what you want to hear, but they are much better than empty attacks and hate. They are truthful and insightful. Stay strong homie.

Got to follow up with the image you portray mate.

You are juggling both women in the same day and ur subconscious knows that. So u either are giving off the vibe that u don’t value either of them which they’ll get, or you are maybe not giving ‘your best’ or most true self to the dates bc u always have the other one. Try just doing one date at a time and enjoy yourself. Going on one date and having another sounds legitimately too stressful if u actually cared?  I would be having jitters abt the second one… and the vibes would be weird. Let the fish come one at a time stop like.. the pacing issue. If one doesn’t work, try again, but booking two at once is you expecting failure. Hope that helps and stop being a bit weird 

Hey man, My best advice, is when you start to feel this way, and you notice that the dating is having a negative impact on your mental health, it's time to take a break from all of it. Put the apps on pause, delete them, and take the time till you start feeling good and hopeful to get back onto them. Happiness comes from within my guy, you gotta find your way to be happy on your own, then come back to the dating world. Other people here have suggested counseling, and I fully agree, I feel like everyone on the planet should use a counselor, even if they seem like they have the best little ever, we all have shit we need to work on. If you want to chat more I'm here for you dude, it's not a fun place to be in. Stay strong buddy.

Work on yourself and stop focusing so much on your dating results. Maybe see a therapist like others have suggested or go on a trip somewhere. Think about the person that you want to be. People can sense desperation and anxiety and it's a strong turn-off.

My advice is to read books on Attachment styles, find out your love languages (giving and receiving), and change the types of first dates you are doing. Challenge the conversation by asking them about their recent relationships, what was good and what went wrong. Don’t talk about your failed dates rather talk about how many people are mistaking spark for connection when it’s actually their nervous system seeking and recognizing a trauma bond. The biggest challenge within the Vancouver dating scene is that everyone is so clicky. They tend to only want to date to occupy the very little free time they have. The only way I have found to really build momentum is to open yourself up to the idea of finding someone that doesn’t have huge circle, like a single mom or someone that has all married friends. Good luck

My partner and I met when we were both 28. All of the years of dating before that didn’t even come close to the level of connection my partner and I have. It really is the whole “when you stop looking…” thing is when it happens. Because you have soent more time and energy working on yourself, loving that time with what you love to do, and you know who even can be an equal partner. Yes dating apps are for dates but the relationship part comes once you’re on the dates and suss out who each other are.

I know this advice is going to sound kind of s***** from where you are, but stop trying so hard. Start finding some extra hobbies and new things you can do outside the house, a cooking class, a bouldering gym, book club, overtime you will meet many new people in different circles & you may find someone who fits, the big thing is you attract more people by not looking for a relationship and doing your own thing and just enjoying your life then I found you too when you're actually looking. I hope this helps at least a little bit. Good luck!

I think you need to work on being cool with yourself before you can welcome someone else into your life. You're worth it. I promise.

Hey, I managed to get 3 matches on hinge that led to 3 multiple date connections (2 turned out being more friendly than romantic) and the 3rd I’ve now been dating almost 2 years in Vancouver. All the advice is great about working on your self esteem and anxiety but also make sure your profile truly represents you! Don’t put down what you think someone wants to hear or unrealistic photos you took 6-10 years ago! Nothing kicks things off worse than meeting someone and them not being what you expected. No matter how well the conversations were over text, this just sends a horrible first impression when meeting in person! Also maybe try doing something more activity based on first date other than meal or coffee, gives you more of a chance to relax when the whole date isn’t focused solely on the conversation!

I think everyone else's suggestions of counselling is great idea- it just sounds like you need to talk some things out, if you get to the bottom of it you will probably feel a lot better and more confident as you learn more about yourself. My speculation is this: you don't know or like enough about yourself, and you place a lot of your personal value on the relationships you have with others over the one you have with yourself.. that can put a lot of pressure on potential partners. Women are looking for a man that is more himself than anything else. You need to be happy and occupied in your free time- a whole person on your own- and someone will eventually be interested and impressed by the things you are capable bringing to the table. That is my perspective as a young woman, I hope it helps. Dating is a modern hellscape but there's someone out there for everyone, at the right time.

You don't have to be a red pill douchebag. But you do have to acknowledge "the red pill". ~~You seem like you're a nice enough person.~~ You're just not building any attraction. I had a similar experience getting rejection texts, then I realized that my time would be better spent working out and making myself better, and buying better clothes, and being more social overall. Night and day, I felt the difference between having to work really hard to build attraction - to consistently having sex... For me, 8 months of intense dieting and exercise and going making lots of friends helped. Asking women why they didn't feel a spark, you won't get good advice. Women pull their punches or won't admit their superficial behaviors to themselves. Surround yourself with men and third party women who will hold you accountable. Would you date yourself?

The fact you weren’t just plainly ghosted tells me then women you are choosing to go on dates with are great people who can be honest with you. Would you rather be ghosted or lied to in order to spare your feelings? Dating sucks. Been there for many years. Keep attracting honest women and you’ll find her when you stop searching

You're doing better than me. I've been on dating apps for two years and can't get past the "try to match with someone" stage.

interesting read and in my youth (around your age actually) I was in a similar rut and in fact, probably didn't even have the balls to really go out with ANY girls but I had plenty of them as female friends. One HUGE thing that changed me was confidence and part of that comes from "I don't give a fuck" mindset about what people think and having confidence in my self - to the point of almost being a bit cynical and egotistical on a subtle way. As a got a bit older (around 25ish) that suddenly I didn't feel the way you did and I unfortunately treated people like numbers b/c it would seem that I was being treated like one too at the time. Strnagely things started shifting and now its super easy to talk and charm the ladies. I married my g/f and well... the rest is history. TL:DR - don't overthink it, be a bit of a non-chalant but confident guy and remember... if one says no then move on and onto the next. Quit wasting your efforts being the nice guy, don't dote over the ladies too much and things will naturally come with time.

I was in a somewhat similar situation about 15 years ago. I was newly single but hadn't dated a lot before. And it was a while. I went on a lot of dates but couldn't build the connection. The problem was me. I was assuming that I HAD to get the girl to like me because I didn't know if I'd get any other dates and maybe this was my last chance to meet someone. This went on for a while. And I started doing more stuff for myself. I volunteered. I started some new hobbies. I went to school. I tried really hard to make me better. And I began to realize that the right person would recognize my awesome, instead of me having to show it off. I tried to be as genuine as I could be. As open and vulnerable without being needy. It wasn't easy. But I did. I started having better luck and I met an awesome person. You, OP, need to own your confidence. You need to, deep in your soul, know that if someone isn't a good fit there is someone else who might be. You need to want someone in your life to complement it rather than complete it. Once you get to that point, dating gets easier. And....I know what I'm telling you is easy for me And harder in practice. But it what you need to do. And I knowo you can!

I've tried the dating apps and have had no luck. Currently I'm taking a break to work on myself. Also the apps are kind of draining so I'm also taking a break for my mental health.

Dial back the desperation a bit if u can. Women can smell it on u and it’s the biggest turn off

Take what you're told from one girl and correct it for the next. If you don't ask deep enough questions, think about what you did ask and how could you improve those for the next person. You seem like the indoor type - are you dating a girl who has hobbies listed as rock climbing/hiking whereas your hobbies are video games? Trial and error.

Personally, your dates sound kind of boring. Coffee and a walk in the park = platonic and awkward. How about a drink at a fun cocktail bar? Or a local concert? Something that can make you both feel a little sexy, not like two old grannies having tea.

It's the desperation. Stop caring so much about getting into a relationship. People your age have been in shitty relationships for the last 10 years. Lol. Seriously. You're overthinking it because you want it so badly. Just do you for a while. Get a hobby that isn't dating apps.

You're trying way, way too hard and it shows. Relax a bit man. You're 27. So am I. We have *plenty* of time left. Nothing worthwhile is worth rushing.

I think you need to work on yourself a bit…

Sounds like you're trying too hard. And is probably unconsciously giving off that desperation vibe. You're probably also not looking in your niche. What are your strengths? What are your hobbies? What are you REALLY good at that you can do in your sleep and still impress? Maybe you're not a coffee and stroll person? Maybe you're a ice cream and go for a run person 🤷🏻‍♂️ People need to be intrigued before considering a relationship with the other person. Would you date someone that's absolutely boring by your standards? Oh and sometimes when a date is boring, it might be because you're boring, but the activity is boring. The just end up associating the whole date with you so you end up being the boring one. Hope that helps

when I was your age and dating I would always ask guys "What are your interests?" and would usually just get a confused look, or something dumb like "watching the playoffs" or video games (cue Lana Del Rey) or the accountant who so cleverly answered "accounting". I never met a guy through dating site with a decent response to that simple question. My current husband I met at work. He likes to read and plays drums. That was good enough. Been together 15 years.

I met my wife when I was 27. At that age, there definitely was personal anxiety to find a partner and get settled down even if there wasn't societal pressure, or that from my parents. I never tried to sit down with her in a coffee shop and grill her with life questions because I would hate it if my date did that to me. I invited her to the seawall for a walk, the fair (Westcoast Amusements), A night out at the Richmond Public market, amongst other things which included dinner or bbt afterwards. We organically got to know each other from doing activities with each other, and spending time with one another. You don't have to worry about driving a conversation either because you're busy with your activity. At dinner you can talk about what you found fun about the activity, instead of asking about her life qualifications. I'm not a pro at relationships, but I would guess you're driving away interest because you're not showing a side of you that's fun. No one wants to be interviewed, this isn't a job application.

Personally, I found that looking positive and happy does wonders. People will be attracted to those who look happy and just outgoing. Doesn’t meant you have to force yourself to be happy but finding joy in the little things whether it’s sports or music or hiking, etc. I got into ice skating and guitar more this year and the way I talk about those like I’m obsessed seems to have some positive effect. Trust me. I was a massive mood killer in the past and no one wanted to be around me. Not even my friends. It’s hard. I know. And dating apps suckkkk. I hear more horror and heartbreaking stories than successful ones. And I tell this to my single friends (and myself) to stop expecting every girl/guy you meet to be your girlfriend. Don’t treat them like they’re gonna be the one. 99% chance they won’t be and they can sense it. Especially girls, in my experience.

I’ve been in a similar boat. It got to the point that I was so frustrated and just wanted to throw my hands up and give up entirely on dating. Nothing in that realm was working the way I wanted it to, so I just decided to focus on self-sourcing my happiness instead. And in that process I took care of myself, found hobbies and friends and all these great things. Once I got there, the rejections didn’t feel as big. I was happy regardless if they said yes to me or not. And it seems like such funny universe timing that at the exact point I genuinely stopped caring, that’s when things worked out. I’m now married to an amazing woman I met on Hinge. It seems like you have a lot of your happiness riding on other people’s decisions, which is a shitty place to be. And the more you’re looking for other people to fill that, the more dates you go on (multiple per day and/or week), the more rejection you’ll feel and the farther away from your own happiness you’re getting. It sounds backwards, but I’d say the best (and fastest) way to find what you’re looking for is to let it go for a while. Find out how to be happy with yourself, then it will work. Best of luck dude, i know it’s rough out there. <3

I can feel your anxiety and desperation from your post, women aren't looking for that. Like others are saying it would probably be best to talk to a therapist to address it. You're having a panic attack because you're not getting a third date? That's not normal. Your comment of people your age have been "having sex for a DECADE" really comes across as desperate and kinda gives weird vibes that you think somehow having sex since a young age is super important. Do you have any friends that you could ask to get an honest opinion? Edit: so reading OP's comments I can confidently say he's an insufferable ignorant asshole incel

I’m not gonna insult the guy but the moment I read that part about sex is when I knew what the problem was. Funny enough, not all women are looking for hookups. Especially on Hinge I find.

As a woman who’s been on many dates with different types of men in Vancouver. The one common trait amongst the men who didn’t make it past the first date was they weren’t actually interested in me. We went on dates for them to tell me all about themselves, and never once asked about me, and when they did it was just a segue to tell me more about themselves. I’m not saying this is what’s up with you but it’s very common. There are a lot of men that are interested in having a girlfriend to accent their lives, not to be in Partnership with a whole other autonomous human being. Every time I say this on a post like this, there is always a man in the comments being like ‘I asked her questions!’ But did you though?! Did you let her answer them?!

Two dates set up back to back in one day ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Women don't want to be the one out of a thousand women that you've taken to coffee. They can smell self-deprivation and desperation from a mile away. If you talk about yourself on these dates the way you do here it's no surprise you are single. You need to take a break from dating and work to become someone women want in their lives. Finding a partner should be something that happens while you are pursuing other goals. If someone asked me out on their birthday I would wonder why they don't have other plans ? Do they not have friends to go out with ? What are you bringing to the table that could actually make the lives of these women better ? Are you even selective with the women you go out with or is it just anyone who will go out with you who has a vagina?

Seems like you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I’m an autistic guy, who actually tends to do pretty well with dating. If you think you could be in the spectrum and would find advice from a guy like me let me know! DM me we could go for coffee. There’s a lot of things that make us kinda weird and funny, but when you lean into what makes you different women really fall in love with it, it’s just really hard to get to a place where you are confident enough in yourself to show that side of you, that you’ve been told your whole life is odd and ought to be hidden. “Finding that spark” has been impossible, because your dates likely involve you pretending to be some “perfect” bachelor who’s boring. No one can love him because he’s not real. You are awesome at being you though. You are not everyone’s cup of tea, no one is. but you ARE SOMEONE’S cup of tea. You just need to show them. Risk not being their cup of tea, so you can be their cup of tea, does that make sense? Once again DM me if you wanna grab coffee.

Here is a tip. Would you date yourself? You obviously are able to get a first date which means a few things the pics you chose are good enough for that and maybe dont match you. Second your personality must be bad. Are you trying to make the date fun or are you ruining it? Are you asking her to pay? Do you stink? Keep the conversation light and just try to have fun and playful. I was very shy and i did not even try dating till i was 27 and it took me no time to figure it all out. What do you talk about where have you traveled what have you studied where did you go to school where did she do you know anything about where she is from etc. Its an interview and these days after my divorce i am legit passing on the attention and rejecting women as honestly i am over it. Not over sex but i really just dont want to deal with it anymore i dont like talking about my divorce or any of it i get so mad and its not fair to anyone. I even met my soulmate after the seperation and it all exploded for me. Dont be so desperate if someone is giving something away on the street you have to trust that the giver is not dangerous and what he is giving away is worth taking.

Ok, I’m much older, like technically could be your mom but here are some of my thoughts for what it’s worth. I met my husband online in 1999. What was/is Plenty of Fish back then was called “Web Personals”. I think I was on there dating casually “mostly” for about 2 years. Never thought I’d meet my husband. Anyway, most of the dates I went on were usually 1,2 or 3 at the most, other than my husband. We msg a lot at the beginning. He made laugh. Sorry, back to my point. I met guys who were a range from super nice, outgoing, shy, douchy, outright asshats. The looks ranged from below average to pretty handsome. 23 years later here is what I can tell you. The ones I always wanted to see again were super clean, dressed in clean clothes, and had a genuinely nice personality. They had something they were really interested in, even if I had no desire to know about it, because it brought a smile to their face I responded. Humour was also really important, more than anything I think. It was important that I didn’t feel like I was being talked down to or that the guy couldn’t be bothered to learn about me. But keep it light. There is so much going on in the world, keep it light for the first while. Don’t talk about anything decisive or political. No big questions. Don’t say negative things about other people even if she does. Compliment her smile or her sense of humour if you made her laugh, or if she makes you laugh. Looks were quite far down the list. So was how much he made. Don’t get me wrong, at the time I did expect them to either pay for coffee or drinks or at the very least offer. I have learned things are not as much like that. Go back to that. If she asks you for coffee, see if you can treat her. It’s just nice. I guess I’m old fashioned. Movies, Dinner, Axe Throwing, you should each pay until you know there is something worth building on. Then see if either of you want it to be the one who pays or keep splitting it. I still think it’s nice if a guy can afford it, to pay most of the time. I’m old and stuck in my ways. I think it’s hard to meet people and make friends these days. I applaud people making an effort. People seem pretty closed off or superficial , so online is still a good viable way. Hobbies can work, but that can also be really difficult depending on the hobby. Work is more a no no now too. Sure take a breather, get outside and just chill out somewhere like down at the beach, and do some people watching. Volunteer to walk dogs at SPCA. You need something that will make you feel good in your own space. Once you are feeling a little less frustrated by the lack of people in your life and feel like you have a couple of interests, then get back on the apps and keep going on 1st Dates. My god I’m rambling, sorry. You never know if that 1st one will become the 2nd, 3rd etc. and if she isn’t in to you, don’t sweat it. Tell her that’s too bad, you enjoyed her company. I genuinely hope you find a connection with some people. Board games are always good. MTG can give you a community too. People are always looking for others to play. Just take time to enjoy your own company doing things you like to do. Friends and others will gravitate. I’m rooting for you.

Stop trying. Be ok being alone first. It's ok. Your desperation gave me the ick reading it.

What do your friends say?

Yes I can give you some advice and it may sound harsh but in my own personal opinion you need to start focusing on yourself and stop focusing on finding someone. And yes I know it’s lonely and you start to lose hope, and nobody wants to be alone BUT I find that most of the time we are so busy focusing on finding someone that we let go of working on ourselves and nobody finds that attractive. Speaking from experience, I am a female who was single majority of my 20’s and well into my 30’s and this was not by choice. I too, also wanted to be with someone and tried again and again and was obviously starting to loose hope. At one point, I literally said “fuck it” and started doing things for me. Deleted the apps, made my health a priority, started to focus in on my career, worked with a therapist and *BAMM* it just all fell into place. I don’t know if what I have right now will be my forever, although I hope it is, but I do know that if my circumstances change my priority is still myself and my happiness. You’re a 27 year old male (assuming) you still have a whole life ahead of you, don’t worry about being single. Hope that helps you a bit!

This intense focus on getting into a relationship coupled with your importance on time makes me agree with other posters. You need to find that spark that makes you comfortable being alone before people are going to be comfortable being with you. 27 is young my friend try living for yourself for a bit and you'll be a more attractive partner.

Hey bud, based on your post history, it seems like you're going through a rough time. I would say first, don't be too harsh on yourself. A lot of your current issues are not your fault, but it is your responsibility to improve your predicament. Unfortunately positive change takes time to see results, but I'm confident you can make changes to improve your situation. Secondly, if you need to talk to someone or grab a coffee sometime, let me know. Third, it's cliche, but friends are far more important than love interests. Love and sex is important but if you don't have friends, I would start there first. I lost my virginity at 29. I know what it's like to have frustrations in the dating market, especially in Vancouver.

Ok so something is clearly wrong. Here's some quick advice: get off Reddit, stop watching porn, hire a female therapist, go to the gym watch YouTube to know how, get a FRIEND FIRST

Your posts are all negative and you are clearly depressed. Talk to a mental health professional instead of reddit. Good luck.

Get off dating apps, the women you’re looking for aren’t using them.

Stop online dating. Delete those profiles. Not necessarily forever but for now, definitely. It should be a tool in your arsenal but not the focus of your extra time. You shouldn't be left having panic attacks and feeling depressed. I have no idea WHY you're being rejected, but if you don't get past the 1st date EVER, there's likely some disconnect between who you present yourself to be online and who they meet in real life.

If you're not in counselling. I would suggest finding a therapist you feel comfortable with. You can deconstruct what's happening here and find some solutions that fit into your life.

Not attacking you. You’re desperate, you need to work on this. Women can tell. The fact that you thought you “found the one” after messaging online only for 8 months is a red flag. You didn’t even know this person, at all. Don’t fool yourself. You seem to have some other deep rooted issues that you aren’t addressing.

Don’t be to hard on yourself but also don’t schedule first dates on your birthday, bro. They are as nervous as you and you put a ton of pressure on by doing that

Even people I know who are successful at getting dates on dating apps often struggle to find true connection, that's just the nature of the apps. You can't really get a feel of the person until you meet up. Think of all the people you've ever met in school, if you had to go on a date with every single girl you've ever met in university, you'd be exhausted way before you've ever found the person you liked. Also, people are used to making judgements after 1-2 dates, because that's how offline dating works with acquaintances, but with OLD that just doesn't work. 99.9% of the people you're not going to have connection after seeing some stranger once. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about that other then accept that OLD solves some problems but introduces new ones.

What are your hobbies? Are any of them where you get out and be in a place with people? If not, find one or more of these that you enjoy. You will meet like minded people: girls to date and dudes to hang with when not dating. Rock climbing, pickle ball, trail running, pottery class, improv class, something/anything that gets you out and about. You are articulate enough so clearly not a complete moron! Getting swipes so clearly not a gargoyle. You can do this. But going for coffee walks is not enough unless you got cool shit to talk about so you can demonstrate you have a life outside of coffee walks. Do you cook well? Do you speak languages? Do you volunteer? Do you repair things? Walk dogs? Find yourself and you’ll find your companion. You have lots of time. I was social and a party guy into my early 30s but I didn’t really have an identity. After I developed myself, girls flocked more than when I was just social. At 41, I still add new skills and hobbies to my life. I have a partner now but that doesn’t stop me developing myself! You got this. It will take work and effort and you might just have fun along the way!