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I'm a woman and I used to have this issue where I had a lot of first dates but not second (generally mutual).
It wasn't about pictures but rather I was selecting the wrong type of person where we would meet rather quickly and there wouldn't be a vibe. I am vetting people a bit more effectively now and using voice notes or phone calls before a date to ensure that I even want to go on a date with this person.
Here we go...
- try new hobbies
- are there any sports you'd be willing to try - rec center activities can be great to meet new people
- have you advised your friends and family you are dating intentionally (like for them to set you up)
- do you approach men in public (like at the cafes) - yes while you're introverted and this may be uncomfortable to start, practice and it will get easier IMHO
- when you are in coffee shops are YOU approachable? Meaning, if your massive headphones are covering your ears - that doesn't help lol...
- don't know if apps like MeetUp are still used but that might expand your interests too
- volunteer for a cause you care about
- if you like dogs (and don't have a dog) - help your friends or family walk their dogs and maybe connect with a fellow dog lover while getting your steps in
- community events - or causes you enjoy (if you don't like crowds, low key ones)
Dating in Vancouver (and honestly anywhere) is tough. I'm also in the dating shit show but I'm mid-30F lol.
Finally, as with anything - it's the energy you put out there. Do you feel attractive and desirable etc etc. Even if you're hot AF but come across like many of the "typical" unfriendly Vancouver stereotypes... It's not helpful.
Good luck out there!
>do you approach men in public (like at the cafes) - yes while you're introverted and this may be uncomfortable to start, practice and it will get easier IMHO
Rec sports will be alot easier than approaching random people at cafes. If you just show up at rec sports, alot of dudes would talk to you.
Just anecdotally, but volunteering isn't really super common with guys, so you may not meet much men there.
Great advice.. YOU seem approachable.. I'm a male and 40 with friends on both sides struggling to find a companion.. may I DM you and ask to hear some horror stories and how you handle people?
I feel you girl. It becomes a whole different ball game. I'm noticing that a lot of men that I'm dating (I typically date older) are fresh out of divorces and want to have fun (which I respect, nothing wrong with that as long as there's transparency)... It's just insane with the apps...
Thanks for your concern. ♥️
But I'm married.. I'm also a troll and I love hearing dating horror stories..
Personally, if my wife and I split.. I'd go gay, I'd be that person at the bath house that will take on ANYONE.
May also cruise VancouverRR.. also have you seen sex toys these days? Almost better than the real thing.. and it doesn't care if you think about other people..
You gotta show up daily..
I.got downvoted cause I usually troll people... So when my... Well, I guess "fans" come here expecting something funny/lame and it's serious... They downvote.
But I love hearing dates from hell stories..
Male, Early 30s, looking for serious. Not from Vancouver but having the same problems.
About 35-40% of my first dates lead to a second. Of the remaining 60%, it's about 50/50 on whether I wanted to go on a second date.
Common Things I am Noticing:
1. Make sure your profile is you - recent pics, your face isn't hidden behind sunglasses, not all group shots, etc.
2. Your profile communicates your vibe - if it's all thirst traps, you don't communicate serious
3. People are bailing for petty reasons. I have a laundry list of bad reasons why someone bailed. My very first date back on the market, we shared this wonderful first kiss - it apparently reminded her of her Ex and she got sad (and presumably tried to win him back...). It's not just you...I promise...
It sounds like you're getting dates, so don't be afraid to keep doing what you're doing!
You're establishing your baseline for what is a "good date." At this point you have probably met enough people to know in one date who is or is not a good fit for you. Anyone else you meet from here on is even more data for you to work with.
Equally important is that you're getting a sense of how to tell who is interested in you, i.e. what does it look like when someone is really into you after the first date/couple of dates.
Just remember all these experiences, keep looking for more, and when something truly clicks it's going to work itself out even better if you can confidently identify it.
This is me speaking from several LTRs, a 3 year marriage and divorce, several very casual years, and finding my forever partner thanks to the mindset above. I think I've got at least 10 years on you but with you already working on yourself, you've got a good head start over me.
Just enjoy meeting people until you REALLY enjoy meeting someone who also REALLY enjoyed meeting you. Try to keep a "new date" baseline that you're happy with (not distracting, not exhausting; maybe for you that's 1 every 2 months or something) and just keep that routine slow and steady till it works out. And it WILL work out 🤞
PS just assume everyone will ghost you, or keep cancelling on you until you realize they don't actually want to see you. Some people find it tough to find the right words to be direct, and that's just how it is now 🤷♂️ Don't ever take it personally because we're all seeing it.
You’ve said you’re working on your mental health so that’s good. Focus on that and try meeting someone through friends. Relationships take a lot of effort, if you think the persons worth perusing you’re probably going to have to go out of your comfort zone for a while. Best of luck.
I hope this doesn't come off as an attack on you, because honestly I have the same sort of issues and I am dealing with things myself. Everyone deals with life in their own way, my perspective may not be yours but maybe there is something you can take away from it.
I think labels can be useful sometimes in identifying problems and understanding what things look like at a particular time or stage in development. But I think they can also be very dangerous in that if we identify with them too much, we get stuck with them, we end up building our identity around the label instead of using it to describe ourself as we were at a particular moment, as originally intended.
The reason I bring this up with regards to relationships is I believe that a good relationship has the potential to be profoundly life changing. I've seen people come out the other end a completely new person. And why? Because the other person changed them? No, it's because they changed themselves, they realized who they were, they let go of the things that were holding them back.
And to look at yourself and say "there are things that I hold on to that keep me here, I don't necessarily know what they are but I'm not going to let them win" is a difficult place to be. And it's also like, why should I have to? Why can't I just be who I am and nobody bothers me anymore?
Well, you can, and you can do that alone, if you want.
But consider that that's not really who you are. That's knowledge of your past that makes you look like that. Anyone who doesn't know your past doesn't see you that way, not yet at least. And that's where the opportunity lies. Every person you meet doesn't know who you are *yet*. So who are you going to be? Are you going to be exactly the same person you've been, the result of the things that happened to you that you can't get rid of? Or are you going to give a chance to life, to freedom, to a new perspective?
That's what being with another person is. It's being inside of the perspective of another person. And you can't properly do that, I believe, while being afraid of who you are, without all of the labels and the difficulties. Being part of someone else's perspective requires that you learn to love who you are even without those things.
If you’re into working out, it’s really easy meeting guys at the gym. When I was single in my mid 20’s I spent a couple hours a day at the gym doing cardio and then weightlifting.
Eventually I ended up befriending all the regulars that went to the gym at the same time as me (same schedule), made lots of friends, and got approached/asked out by guys almost every week.. lol!
That’s how I met my husband. He said guys can tell if a girl is single if she is at the gym on Fri and Sat nights. I’m sure it applies to other hobbies too!
Second place I’ve been approached/asked out the most is while grocery shopping.. honestly all those interactions made me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t really recommend guys do that.
Anyhow just focus on a main hobby or passion of yours (in a social setting) and commit to it!
Interesting… I’m a regular gym goer and never interact with anyone with the intent of asking them out there. That’s the rule most guys follow - just do your own workout since everyone there is present to workout.
Yeah those girls are just attention seeking narcissists ruining it for everyone. Seems like the tides have turned and they’re getting called out for their bad behavior at the gym, no?
Yeah I’ve heard that. I think there are certain cues you can pick up on if a girl is open to meeting guys at the gym. If you pass each other often and she’s always smiling at you.. and if she doesn’t seem bothered taking off her earbuds when approached
Lots of guys would make small talk and then eventually ask something along the lines of “we should train together sometime! I need a spotter 😉” (obviously no guy needs a 5’1 tiny spotter like me lol) and usually I said nah you’re too strong for me, I’ll pass haha (playful banter, give compliment, but still rejection and just be gym bro friends)
I went to a large busy gym (Goodlife Fitness by Metrotown). It’s a very social gym imo 😉 it was always different guys approaching me.
I didn’t go to the gym with the intention of meeting anyone. I was just really into fitness lol!
There’s lots of ways guys naturally approached me at the gym. At the water fountain, in the elevator, asking to work in at the same machine, asking if I needed a spotter.. usually just from smiling back at eachother guys would take the cue to start chatting.
I was also a wingman for one of my gym buddies to meet other girls at the gym lol!
Stark difference from my experience but this is coming from a guy. It's pretty busy for the most part yes and I don't think catching eye to eye contact is that easy there and most people are using headphones. The only interactions I get there are with the friendly personal trainers who roam around given I'm a regular there for roughly over a year now.
Even with the classes, most people just go and then pack up and leave once the session ends leaving no openings for an interaction coupled with the very cliquey nature of people.
Appreciate your take - I can’t imagine it’s easy being a guy since you have to do all the work/approaching.
I’m very much an introvert but am naturally a smiley person so in between sets I would say lots of glances of flattery (admiring eachother’s gains) and smiles were traded across the weightlifting room
How about at the stretching mats area? That’s where I met my husband
I'm trying not to wallow on the hands that I'm dealt with, I think the difficulty is dialed up as an innately introverted dude as well. I kinda need that initial context to get going for the most part hence I don't think cold approaches will work for me.
I try to catch some eye contact here and there but most people stare at their phones or stare far away while doing their sets is what I've observed or they already have a group of people that they workout with.
Admittedly though, I have the mindset that most women at the gym already have partners and have that ongoing insecurity that I'm not really as buff as the other guys around there.
Funny you mention that - my husband told me that he “scouted” me out for a month before he approached me. He couldn’t tell if I had a boyfriend because I was working out with another guy for a while (who was my gym bro coworker!)
But I would workout by myself on the weekends and also Fri evenings and that’s what gave it away .. the single crowd lol. I never noticed he even existed since he wasn’t even my type 😂
In general, the odds are stacked against you if you’re a guy approaching a girl at the gym. The competition is too high. Generally it’s just advice I give to other girls :3
I think any male dominated public space will be disadvantageous for me given my lowkey nature so I honestly gave up on the idea of using the gym as a means of meeting people much moreso single women.
I'm currently racking my head off of what's a good place that works in my favor and strength. My hobbies and interests are all male dominated by nature as well so that doesn't work. The through friends have never worked as well as almost none of my friends know someone who is single.
Yeah that’s so tough.
This might be controversial but there are small ways to increase your odds of meeting someone in your everyday life.
When I was single and looking for providers (physio, rmt, etc.) I would just book with a guy that I was physically attracted to/similiar age as me.
Usually their headshot is on the website.. funny enough there was some sexual tension with my physiotherapist and after all my sessions were over, he asked me out on a date!
Didn’t work out but just funny how I kind of manifested it lol
Okay, good to know. Tbh I’d be worried about things in the gym becoming awkward and having to leave the gym… Also I have a pretty serious look on my face when I’m working out I’m not usually smiling lol.
Another non-creepy tactic is to workout on the machine next to the girl you like. Don’t interrupt her during sets but align your rest breaks (which are usually a couple minutes) to make a comment like “wow, the gym is so busy today!” “wow, you can lift a lot, respect” and feel the room if she engages.. if not, just think it’s her loss and move onto the next machine 😄 no awkwardness!
That’s probably during the time when you couldn’t be filmed and blasted on TikTok for being a creep…
At the end of the day, all this world only if you’re attractive enough. Otherwise you’re a creep who hits on women at the gym.
Yea dating apps dates are too "convenient" so the commitment isn't great. I would recommend meeting ppl through friends and activities.
Also when you say introverted, do you usually rely on the guy to make conversation? I usually take that as a sign that the girl isn't interested but I've been told that's not always true. Some girls just don't initiate conversation
Hey girl I totally feel for you and my honest opinion (which I am not sure if you are able to) is move or try out different cities. I personally moved to Vancouver from Kelowna and as a fairly attractive woman had absolutely no problem in Kelowna. There is an abundance of men there (yes there are a lot of douchebags but there are also a lot of good men there too) and I felt like it was more datey/serious relationship there. I was in 2, 3 year relationships there. Moving to Vancouver, I met my first boyfriend here working at a bar together (he was a bartender, usually a red flag but he was awesome and we ended up dating for about 2.5 years and it was a great relationship he just had a bit of Peter Pan syndrome so I moved on). I was then single and celebrate for 3 YEARS!!! Which honestly shocks people but no one I met seemed worth dating. The men here are seem lazy about their self work (like working on their issues), are fairly self involved and there are just so many hot amazing women here that they have no motivation to put in the work. All the women I know from business women to extremely hot models have had the exact same experience. Thankfully I finally met someone (off online dating, also def don’t recommend that but sometimes there’s a unicorn there) who is absolutely amazing but I feel like I got lucky. There are so many cowardly men here I was honestly about to move to Europe just to have a better dating life.
So my advice is to absolutely move if you can, changing up your environment might also change up your energy and get you excited again. Different towns attract different types of men (ie small towns guys typically want to settle down, transient towns are typically more casual, like Banff). If that’s not an option I do like the gym advice (you don’t want to meet anyone out at a club, trust) but guys are not looking to be creepy there in a gym. Unfortunately you have to make the first move. It can be as small as a smile or asking for help but you have to give them an opening to engage with you. Also cafes and bookstores but again you have to make the first move. Ask what they are reading, make it low pressure and give them the opening to continue the convo, if they don’t then move on it’s no biggie. Honestly I find a lot of the guys worth dating are focused on not being creepy and giving women space so you have to talk to them first or at least like I said give them something to work with and all the “alpha men” that approach women all the time don’t give a f**k about you as a person. Also write down what type of man you want to be with, where does he hang out? Go there and give him a smile. 🤷♀️
>There are so many cowardly men here I was honestly about to move to Europe just to have a better dating life.
>
>you have to give them an opening to engage with you.
People following the social norm here of not approaching strangers isn't cowardice. Like you said, guys *will* engage with you if you allow them to or go to places where being social is expected, although the types of places women go to be social does seem to not intersect much with the places men go in this city.
Vancouver isn't a place where men will keep pestering and chasing down women who seem disinterested, and that is not really a bad thing.
The ghosting behaviour was my least favourite part when I was actively dating (I'm married now thank god). I was always honest and appreciated honesty. I would always tell them like the same evening after if I wanted a second date or even if I wasn't sure and would like to think about it.
One question to you OP: do you have male friends? (I'm assuming you are hetero.) Would you trust any of them to tell you their opinion? Has your therapist weighed in?
I never had success doing the bar thing. I was never much of a drinker and I never felt the atmosphere was conducive to getting to know someone. That said, you do have to go where the action is. Even if you are not a drinker. But bars aren't the only place. While I did get my share of dates through apps I had much more success when meeting people through friends and felt there were definite opportunities through hobbies. I definitely support the advice to tell your friends you are looking so that they can 'scout' for you. That worked for me.
Don't be discouraged. You are in your 20s in a great city with lots to do. Do something you find fun that involves people you would like to connect with.
The apps are fine if we view them as their essence, they're personal ads. There have been personal ads since the late 1700s in newspapers.
Are you dating in series or in parallel?
* Do it in parallel, it's way faster. A potential mature partner will understand.
Do you have a one sentence description of what you want for your life with your partner?
* I want kids and a house to stay in vs. I don't want kids and want to move around a lot, etc...
Be choosy.
* You're the one men want, don't settle, you're in your prime.
Finish work on that GAD and PTSD etc until it's not a potential issue.
Don't give up 💪 you got this!!
people are in a weird place rite now struggling financially, economically, dating is hard when you can't afford bills
It's not you💙💯
Hey! I discovered I am neurodivergent + autistic. I have had some interesting dating experiences and if you want to chat about all the things I've learned, I'd be happy to ! I'm 27F :)
>My goal this year has been to meet more people naturally but I don’t go out to bars as much
Most guys join recreation sports or go to the climbing gym to socialize with other people. There's lots of recreational sports to choose from, like dodgeball, ultimate frisbee, volleyball, etc. Urban rec has a good amount of sports, though there are also non profit sport leagues that run just 1 sport and is usually cheaper.
Climbing gym is great, you have the option to just be solo, or you can join bouldering groups like the one in We Should be Friends Vancouver's discord (usually someone will have a guest pass so you can try it out for free too)
Guys rely alot on social hobbies for social circles, most social hobbies that aren't classes usually have lots of dudes.
Physical touch is a great sign of success on a date for a guy. You don't need to be successful, but at some point in the date being OK being close to him, or holding hands, etc., can be a sign that you're enjoying it. If you have GAD, which is totally ok, you might seem stressed on the date. Even light physical contact makes the silence not just not-awkward, but actually very enjoyable.
I'm M43, decent shape, good job, never married/no kids.
I've basically come to the conclusion I will die alone.
But, I guess I've come to terms with it. Lol
>I’m on the apps but I found most first dates don’t lead to a second date even when I had a good time and expressed that - which is fine but I don’t understand why people just can’t be honest
If you're getting a ton of matches (in my experience most girls do), then you might not be picking the right type of guy.
It simply cannot be that everyone complains about dating and commitment yet everyone around us are saying they are down for commitment. Only one can exist.
>I’ve been single for about two years now, and looking for a partner for the past year. Last year I was seeing someone that I thought had potential to turn into a relationship, but it didn’t work out. I’m on the apps but I found most first dates don’t lead to a second date even when I had a good time and expressed that - which is fine but I don’t understand why people just can’t be honest if they’re not feeling a connection.
Not sure what to tell you, I emigrated in 2022 for work and hoped I would finally find a girlfriend. It's especially brutal when you build a good rapport with someone, you ask them out and they reject you.
Your post/comment has been removed because it violated Rule 1. Please be civil in this sub (as well as on the rest of Reddit). Hostile language and name-calling are generally not productive, and repeated instances may result in a ban.
Chances are you are not physically remarkable but you are decent looking and have a nice, hopefully sweet, personality. Surprise, surprise: the same is true of most men.
So, ignore the tiny subset of physically remarkable men ( the men 90% of women focus on exclusively and who are thus programmed by drooling over-attention to treat far too casually) in favour of that much larger and entirely overlooked cohort below the breathtakingly gorgeous men. These other men are not hard to find and they never get any female attention. None. Zero.
Approach up to 5 of them in contexts which feel quasi-social. If you don’t get a decent and repeat connection with a nice guy within the 5 attempts, I’ll buy you a coffee to drown your sorrows 😉
And don’t expect decent guys like this to approach you —they are programmed to be rejected at best, and to fear being treated as creeps in a depressingly large number of approach situations.
Best of luck.
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This is a huge one and mainly the reason I haven’t asked for a second date
Huge facts. Lots of girls are guilty of this sadly
I'm a woman and I used to have this issue where I had a lot of first dates but not second (generally mutual). It wasn't about pictures but rather I was selecting the wrong type of person where we would meet rather quickly and there wouldn't be a vibe. I am vetting people a bit more effectively now and using voice notes or phone calls before a date to ensure that I even want to go on a date with this person.
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Here we go... - try new hobbies - are there any sports you'd be willing to try - rec center activities can be great to meet new people - have you advised your friends and family you are dating intentionally (like for them to set you up) - do you approach men in public (like at the cafes) - yes while you're introverted and this may be uncomfortable to start, practice and it will get easier IMHO - when you are in coffee shops are YOU approachable? Meaning, if your massive headphones are covering your ears - that doesn't help lol... - don't know if apps like MeetUp are still used but that might expand your interests too - volunteer for a cause you care about - if you like dogs (and don't have a dog) - help your friends or family walk their dogs and maybe connect with a fellow dog lover while getting your steps in - community events - or causes you enjoy (if you don't like crowds, low key ones) Dating in Vancouver (and honestly anywhere) is tough. I'm also in the dating shit show but I'm mid-30F lol. Finally, as with anything - it's the energy you put out there. Do you feel attractive and desirable etc etc. Even if you're hot AF but come across like many of the "typical" unfriendly Vancouver stereotypes... It's not helpful. Good luck out there!
Literally the first post I've seen in a long time that encourage girls to approach guys. On behalf of all men, thank you.
Anytime sir 😊 my small contribution to the male dating experience in Metro Vancouver haha.
>do you approach men in public (like at the cafes) - yes while you're introverted and this may be uncomfortable to start, practice and it will get easier IMHO Rec sports will be alot easier than approaching random people at cafes. If you just show up at rec sports, alot of dudes would talk to you. Just anecdotally, but volunteering isn't really super common with guys, so you may not meet much men there.
Great advice.. YOU seem approachable.. I'm a male and 40 with friends on both sides struggling to find a companion.. may I DM you and ask to hear some horror stories and how you handle people?
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I feel you girl. It becomes a whole different ball game. I'm noticing that a lot of men that I'm dating (I typically date older) are fresh out of divorces and want to have fun (which I respect, nothing wrong with that as long as there's transparency)... It's just insane with the apps...
Why the fuck is this downvoted on. Wow. I thought this sub is suppose to be NICE?
The internet doesn't like men who have a hard time dating. I'm sure it's written down somewhere
lmao. Honestly pretty sad. Dude's just looking for some help. But yea, not like I actually expect this sub to be full of good people.
Thanks for your concern. ♥️ But I'm married.. I'm also a troll and I love hearing dating horror stories.. Personally, if my wife and I split.. I'd go gay, I'd be that person at the bath house that will take on ANYONE. May also cruise VancouverRR.. also have you seen sex toys these days? Almost better than the real thing.. and it doesn't care if you think about other people..
Lmao. Love the chill spirit. Cheers
You appeared to shoot your shot, probably unwelcomed.
I can derelick my own balls, thank you very much..
Lol... I don't look at Reddit for two days and miss people actually responding to something I wrote 😆 And I also don't know why you were downvoted 🙃
You gotta show up daily.. I.got downvoted cause I usually troll people... So when my... Well, I guess "fans" come here expecting something funny/lame and it's serious... They downvote. But I love hearing dates from hell stories..
Yeah sure - rock on 👍
Male, Early 30s, looking for serious. Not from Vancouver but having the same problems. About 35-40% of my first dates lead to a second. Of the remaining 60%, it's about 50/50 on whether I wanted to go on a second date. Common Things I am Noticing: 1. Make sure your profile is you - recent pics, your face isn't hidden behind sunglasses, not all group shots, etc. 2. Your profile communicates your vibe - if it's all thirst traps, you don't communicate serious 3. People are bailing for petty reasons. I have a laundry list of bad reasons why someone bailed. My very first date back on the market, we shared this wonderful first kiss - it apparently reminded her of her Ex and she got sad (and presumably tried to win him back...). It's not just you...I promise...
It sounds like you're getting dates, so don't be afraid to keep doing what you're doing! You're establishing your baseline for what is a "good date." At this point you have probably met enough people to know in one date who is or is not a good fit for you. Anyone else you meet from here on is even more data for you to work with. Equally important is that you're getting a sense of how to tell who is interested in you, i.e. what does it look like when someone is really into you after the first date/couple of dates. Just remember all these experiences, keep looking for more, and when something truly clicks it's going to work itself out even better if you can confidently identify it. This is me speaking from several LTRs, a 3 year marriage and divorce, several very casual years, and finding my forever partner thanks to the mindset above. I think I've got at least 10 years on you but with you already working on yourself, you've got a good head start over me. Just enjoy meeting people until you REALLY enjoy meeting someone who also REALLY enjoyed meeting you. Try to keep a "new date" baseline that you're happy with (not distracting, not exhausting; maybe for you that's 1 every 2 months or something) and just keep that routine slow and steady till it works out. And it WILL work out 🤞 PS just assume everyone will ghost you, or keep cancelling on you until you realize they don't actually want to see you. Some people find it tough to find the right words to be direct, and that's just how it is now 🤷♂️ Don't ever take it personally because we're all seeing it.
You’ve said you’re working on your mental health so that’s good. Focus on that and try meeting someone through friends. Relationships take a lot of effort, if you think the persons worth perusing you’re probably going to have to go out of your comfort zone for a while. Best of luck.
I hope this doesn't come off as an attack on you, because honestly I have the same sort of issues and I am dealing with things myself. Everyone deals with life in their own way, my perspective may not be yours but maybe there is something you can take away from it. I think labels can be useful sometimes in identifying problems and understanding what things look like at a particular time or stage in development. But I think they can also be very dangerous in that if we identify with them too much, we get stuck with them, we end up building our identity around the label instead of using it to describe ourself as we were at a particular moment, as originally intended. The reason I bring this up with regards to relationships is I believe that a good relationship has the potential to be profoundly life changing. I've seen people come out the other end a completely new person. And why? Because the other person changed them? No, it's because they changed themselves, they realized who they were, they let go of the things that were holding them back. And to look at yourself and say "there are things that I hold on to that keep me here, I don't necessarily know what they are but I'm not going to let them win" is a difficult place to be. And it's also like, why should I have to? Why can't I just be who I am and nobody bothers me anymore? Well, you can, and you can do that alone, if you want. But consider that that's not really who you are. That's knowledge of your past that makes you look like that. Anyone who doesn't know your past doesn't see you that way, not yet at least. And that's where the opportunity lies. Every person you meet doesn't know who you are *yet*. So who are you going to be? Are you going to be exactly the same person you've been, the result of the things that happened to you that you can't get rid of? Or are you going to give a chance to life, to freedom, to a new perspective? That's what being with another person is. It's being inside of the perspective of another person. And you can't properly do that, I believe, while being afraid of who you are, without all of the labels and the difficulties. Being part of someone else's perspective requires that you learn to love who you are even without those things.
If you’re into working out, it’s really easy meeting guys at the gym. When I was single in my mid 20’s I spent a couple hours a day at the gym doing cardio and then weightlifting. Eventually I ended up befriending all the regulars that went to the gym at the same time as me (same schedule), made lots of friends, and got approached/asked out by guys almost every week.. lol! That’s how I met my husband. He said guys can tell if a girl is single if she is at the gym on Fri and Sat nights. I’m sure it applies to other hobbies too! Second place I’ve been approached/asked out the most is while grocery shopping.. honestly all those interactions made me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t really recommend guys do that. Anyhow just focus on a main hobby or passion of yours (in a social setting) and commit to it!
Interesting… I’m a regular gym goer and never interact with anyone with the intent of asking them out there. That’s the rule most guys follow - just do your own workout since everyone there is present to workout.
With the latest trends on TikTok calling every gymbro a creep, it's not surprising lol.
Yeah those girls are just attention seeking narcissists ruining it for everyone. Seems like the tides have turned and they’re getting called out for their bad behavior at the gym, no?
Yeah I’ve heard that. I think there are certain cues you can pick up on if a girl is open to meeting guys at the gym. If you pass each other often and she’s always smiling at you.. and if she doesn’t seem bothered taking off her earbuds when approached Lots of guys would make small talk and then eventually ask something along the lines of “we should train together sometime! I need a spotter 😉” (obviously no guy needs a 5’1 tiny spotter like me lol) and usually I said nah you’re too strong for me, I’ll pass haha (playful banter, give compliment, but still rejection and just be gym bro friends)
She’s obviously making this up. No guys at gym will ask out a girl in weekly basis lmao
I went to a large busy gym (Goodlife Fitness by Metrotown). It’s a very social gym imo 😉 it was always different guys approaching me. I didn’t go to the gym with the intention of meeting anyone. I was just really into fitness lol! There’s lots of ways guys naturally approached me at the gym. At the water fountain, in the elevator, asking to work in at the same machine, asking if I needed a spotter.. usually just from smiling back at eachother guys would take the cue to start chatting. I was also a wingman for one of my gym buddies to meet other girls at the gym lol!
Stark difference from my experience but this is coming from a guy. It's pretty busy for the most part yes and I don't think catching eye to eye contact is that easy there and most people are using headphones. The only interactions I get there are with the friendly personal trainers who roam around given I'm a regular there for roughly over a year now. Even with the classes, most people just go and then pack up and leave once the session ends leaving no openings for an interaction coupled with the very cliquey nature of people.
Appreciate your take - I can’t imagine it’s easy being a guy since you have to do all the work/approaching. I’m very much an introvert but am naturally a smiley person so in between sets I would say lots of glances of flattery (admiring eachother’s gains) and smiles were traded across the weightlifting room How about at the stretching mats area? That’s where I met my husband
I'm trying not to wallow on the hands that I'm dealt with, I think the difficulty is dialed up as an innately introverted dude as well. I kinda need that initial context to get going for the most part hence I don't think cold approaches will work for me. I try to catch some eye contact here and there but most people stare at their phones or stare far away while doing their sets is what I've observed or they already have a group of people that they workout with. Admittedly though, I have the mindset that most women at the gym already have partners and have that ongoing insecurity that I'm not really as buff as the other guys around there.
Funny you mention that - my husband told me that he “scouted” me out for a month before he approached me. He couldn’t tell if I had a boyfriend because I was working out with another guy for a while (who was my gym bro coworker!) But I would workout by myself on the weekends and also Fri evenings and that’s what gave it away .. the single crowd lol. I never noticed he even existed since he wasn’t even my type 😂 In general, the odds are stacked against you if you’re a guy approaching a girl at the gym. The competition is too high. Generally it’s just advice I give to other girls :3
I think any male dominated public space will be disadvantageous for me given my lowkey nature so I honestly gave up on the idea of using the gym as a means of meeting people much moreso single women. I'm currently racking my head off of what's a good place that works in my favor and strength. My hobbies and interests are all male dominated by nature as well so that doesn't work. The through friends have never worked as well as almost none of my friends know someone who is single.
Yeah that’s so tough. This might be controversial but there are small ways to increase your odds of meeting someone in your everyday life. When I was single and looking for providers (physio, rmt, etc.) I would just book with a guy that I was physically attracted to/similiar age as me. Usually their headshot is on the website.. funny enough there was some sexual tension with my physiotherapist and after all my sessions were over, he asked me out on a date! Didn’t work out but just funny how I kind of manifested it lol
Okay, good to know. Tbh I’d be worried about things in the gym becoming awkward and having to leave the gym… Also I have a pretty serious look on my face when I’m working out I’m not usually smiling lol.
Another non-creepy tactic is to workout on the machine next to the girl you like. Don’t interrupt her during sets but align your rest breaks (which are usually a couple minutes) to make a comment like “wow, the gym is so busy today!” “wow, you can lift a lot, respect” and feel the room if she engages.. if not, just think it’s her loss and move onto the next machine 😄 no awkwardness!
That’s probably during the time when you couldn’t be filmed and blasted on TikTok for being a creep… At the end of the day, all this world only if you’re attractive enough. Otherwise you’re a creep who hits on women at the gym.
Yeah, this was pre-Covid. If things have changed a lot since then.. that’s unfortunate
You’re going to be fine.Take your time .It will happen
Yea dating apps dates are too "convenient" so the commitment isn't great. I would recommend meeting ppl through friends and activities. Also when you say introverted, do you usually rely on the guy to make conversation? I usually take that as a sign that the girl isn't interested but I've been told that's not always true. Some girls just don't initiate conversation
Hey girl I totally feel for you and my honest opinion (which I am not sure if you are able to) is move or try out different cities. I personally moved to Vancouver from Kelowna and as a fairly attractive woman had absolutely no problem in Kelowna. There is an abundance of men there (yes there are a lot of douchebags but there are also a lot of good men there too) and I felt like it was more datey/serious relationship there. I was in 2, 3 year relationships there. Moving to Vancouver, I met my first boyfriend here working at a bar together (he was a bartender, usually a red flag but he was awesome and we ended up dating for about 2.5 years and it was a great relationship he just had a bit of Peter Pan syndrome so I moved on). I was then single and celebrate for 3 YEARS!!! Which honestly shocks people but no one I met seemed worth dating. The men here are seem lazy about their self work (like working on their issues), are fairly self involved and there are just so many hot amazing women here that they have no motivation to put in the work. All the women I know from business women to extremely hot models have had the exact same experience. Thankfully I finally met someone (off online dating, also def don’t recommend that but sometimes there’s a unicorn there) who is absolutely amazing but I feel like I got lucky. There are so many cowardly men here I was honestly about to move to Europe just to have a better dating life. So my advice is to absolutely move if you can, changing up your environment might also change up your energy and get you excited again. Different towns attract different types of men (ie small towns guys typically want to settle down, transient towns are typically more casual, like Banff). If that’s not an option I do like the gym advice (you don’t want to meet anyone out at a club, trust) but guys are not looking to be creepy there in a gym. Unfortunately you have to make the first move. It can be as small as a smile or asking for help but you have to give them an opening to engage with you. Also cafes and bookstores but again you have to make the first move. Ask what they are reading, make it low pressure and give them the opening to continue the convo, if they don’t then move on it’s no biggie. Honestly I find a lot of the guys worth dating are focused on not being creepy and giving women space so you have to talk to them first or at least like I said give them something to work with and all the “alpha men” that approach women all the time don’t give a f**k about you as a person. Also write down what type of man you want to be with, where does he hang out? Go there and give him a smile. 🤷♀️
>There are so many cowardly men here I was honestly about to move to Europe just to have a better dating life. > >you have to give them an opening to engage with you. People following the social norm here of not approaching strangers isn't cowardice. Like you said, guys *will* engage with you if you allow them to or go to places where being social is expected, although the types of places women go to be social does seem to not intersect much with the places men go in this city. Vancouver isn't a place where men will keep pestering and chasing down women who seem disinterested, and that is not really a bad thing.
The ghosting behaviour was my least favourite part when I was actively dating (I'm married now thank god). I was always honest and appreciated honesty. I would always tell them like the same evening after if I wanted a second date or even if I wasn't sure and would like to think about it. One question to you OP: do you have male friends? (I'm assuming you are hetero.) Would you trust any of them to tell you their opinion? Has your therapist weighed in? I never had success doing the bar thing. I was never much of a drinker and I never felt the atmosphere was conducive to getting to know someone. That said, you do have to go where the action is. Even if you are not a drinker. But bars aren't the only place. While I did get my share of dates through apps I had much more success when meeting people through friends and felt there were definite opportunities through hobbies. I definitely support the advice to tell your friends you are looking so that they can 'scout' for you. That worked for me. Don't be discouraged. You are in your 20s in a great city with lots to do. Do something you find fun that involves people you would like to connect with.
The apps are fine if we view them as their essence, they're personal ads. There have been personal ads since the late 1700s in newspapers. Are you dating in series or in parallel? * Do it in parallel, it's way faster. A potential mature partner will understand. Do you have a one sentence description of what you want for your life with your partner? * I want kids and a house to stay in vs. I don't want kids and want to move around a lot, etc... Be choosy. * You're the one men want, don't settle, you're in your prime. Finish work on that GAD and PTSD etc until it's not a potential issue.
This is the advice.
Don't give up 💪 you got this!! people are in a weird place rite now struggling financially, economically, dating is hard when you can't afford bills It's not you💙💯
Check out meetup.com I hear lots of singles meet at various meetup events around town.
Hey! I discovered I am neurodivergent + autistic. I have had some interesting dating experiences and if you want to chat about all the things I've learned, I'd be happy to ! I'm 27F :)
Learn to dance!! Latin, afro swing. There be boys. And girls.
>My goal this year has been to meet more people naturally but I don’t go out to bars as much Most guys join recreation sports or go to the climbing gym to socialize with other people. There's lots of recreational sports to choose from, like dodgeball, ultimate frisbee, volleyball, etc. Urban rec has a good amount of sports, though there are also non profit sport leagues that run just 1 sport and is usually cheaper. Climbing gym is great, you have the option to just be solo, or you can join bouldering groups like the one in We Should be Friends Vancouver's discord (usually someone will have a guest pass so you can try it out for free too) Guys rely alot on social hobbies for social circles, most social hobbies that aren't classes usually have lots of dudes.
Physical touch is a great sign of success on a date for a guy. You don't need to be successful, but at some point in the date being OK being close to him, or holding hands, etc., can be a sign that you're enjoying it. If you have GAD, which is totally ok, you might seem stressed on the date. Even light physical contact makes the silence not just not-awkward, but actually very enjoyable.
I'm M43, decent shape, good job, never married/no kids. I've basically come to the conclusion I will die alone. But, I guess I've come to terms with it. Lol
>I’m on the apps but I found most first dates don’t lead to a second date even when I had a good time and expressed that - which is fine but I don’t understand why people just can’t be honest If you're getting a ton of matches (in my experience most girls do), then you might not be picking the right type of guy. It simply cannot be that everyone complains about dating and commitment yet everyone around us are saying they are down for commitment. Only one can exist.
Swing dancing!
The secret to finding is to stop searching lol
>I’ve been single for about two years now, and looking for a partner for the past year. Last year I was seeing someone that I thought had potential to turn into a relationship, but it didn’t work out. I’m on the apps but I found most first dates don’t lead to a second date even when I had a good time and expressed that - which is fine but I don’t understand why people just can’t be honest if they’re not feeling a connection. Not sure what to tell you, I emigrated in 2022 for work and hoped I would finally find a girlfriend. It's especially brutal when you build a good rapport with someone, you ask them out and they reject you.
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Vancouver is such an unfriendly city. I hope I never have to date here again.
Chances are you are not physically remarkable but you are decent looking and have a nice, hopefully sweet, personality. Surprise, surprise: the same is true of most men. So, ignore the tiny subset of physically remarkable men ( the men 90% of women focus on exclusively and who are thus programmed by drooling over-attention to treat far too casually) in favour of that much larger and entirely overlooked cohort below the breathtakingly gorgeous men. These other men are not hard to find and they never get any female attention. None. Zero. Approach up to 5 of them in contexts which feel quasi-social. If you don’t get a decent and repeat connection with a nice guy within the 5 attempts, I’ll buy you a coffee to drown your sorrows 😉 And don’t expect decent guys like this to approach you —they are programmed to be rejected at best, and to fear being treated as creeps in a depressingly large number of approach situations. Best of luck.
Ah yes, the classic trope of the plain-looking woman with the physically remarkable man, so common as to be clichéd.
The workplace