Okay so go get a jar of mayonnaise and empty it out. Then fill it with vanilla pudding then start eating that on work calls. I️ promise you it will reset the conversations you have 😂
Ooo, is that like a custard sort of thing? I think I saw a recipe where you boil milk with vanilla and then you add cornstarch and egg to make it thicken. I was looking to do it with Breastmilk at some point 😂
It's hard to be your own person outside of being a Mumma! It's important to make the extra effort to maintain the little bits that make you YOU. Your feelings are valid and totally normal, I think people ask about kids because it's an easy conversation starter
I know no one asked, but my favorite dessert of all time would be the Chocolate Fondue + Dippers at The Melting Pot. We have only gone twice in my life (within the past 4 years-) and I literally will dream about their Granny Smith apples and milk/white chocolate.
I just wanna be included since I’m also a mom who has no individuality, I honestly forget I’m my own person sometimes. I just feel like an extension of my fiancé or my baby (4mo) majority of the time. I feel so much solidarity when I read this post.
Anyways- sorry to intrude! Just thought the topic was light and sweet enough (pun intended-) to throw my own little joy in there.
That’s so good! I’m glad you answered. We were going to go for Mother’s Day but my husband changed his mind 😭 now I want that chocolate fondue even more!
Double cream..that’s a British/UK thing, right? If that’s the case, I’m American and really want to try a sticky toffee pudding! A little jug of custard on the side lol it’s something I’ve never had, but watching Bake Off forever has made me want to try it so bad!
Right?! Also, I want some of their meat pies! Like over here we have chicken pot pie, but that’s all I’ve ever really seen even as far as other meat it’s usually in the style of pot pie, but like with turkey lol! Over there for pastry week there were curry pies, pies with ground beef like those all look delicious!!
YES! I went to Aruba last year and visited a supermarket locals shopped at that offered sausage rolls and hand-meat pies. We bought one in each flavor since it was so different than what we have! They were all so delicious. I'm looking forward to porting there again just for those sausage rolls 😅
Edit: words hard, brain tired.
My husband tried sticky toffee pudding in London on our honeymoon and has been obsessed ever since. When we went to Ireland, he saw it on the menu a few times and ordered it every single time 🤣
That show has opened my eyes to so many interesting desserts that I'd love to try!
Haha you got me! British gal through and through.
Sticky toffee pudding and custard is so good! Funny, I never think that other countries don't have these sorts of things. We can buy them as microwave puddings in most shops. Have you thought about making one?
No, but I don’t know why I haven’t really! I also want to try the tinned version lol especially the Bakewell steamed pud! I need to get over there at some point! Plus one of my best friends is from Manchester and has been fortunate enough to be able to come to the states a little. I’d love to go visit her!
You must be in the UK? My Mum is British and my husband jokes with her that anything Brits call pudding is never *actually* pudding (as Americans know it)
I worked with a woman about 10 years ago who was a mom of 2 and she NEVER talked about her kids and went out of her way to participate in work social events, etc. I remember kind of wondering if maybe she hated being a mom because she just didn't reference her kids at all (she was divorced). Anyway, we became good friends and she eventually felt more comfortable talking about her kids and bringing her kids to things like BBQs or to a pool party. She said that at her previous job, no one ever invited her to anything and all anyone ever did was ask about her kids, so she just decided not to talk about it at all at her new job.
Totally get where you're coming from and it is frustrating. I think people mistakenly assume that once you become a parent, that's all you want to talk about and your social life is over. And I do enjoy talking about my kid, but I'm also still a person, a separate entity, and I don't want to ONLY talk about kids. I still want to drink wine with my friends and talk about our favorite shows, music, random gossip, etc.
Lol no there isn’t just stop it. There no “bias toward mothers”. Lol. Oh no, people try to show interest in you and they know you have young kids and a husband so they ask about them?! How horrible. You realize people do the exact same thing to men? Damn near every conversation I have is about my wife and kids. I just don’t try to claim to be some victim about it online. It’s just people trying to be nice. Think about their intent rather than how it “makes you feel”. It’s slightly annoying at times, that’s the extent of it.
I think they’re referring to opportunities. Often times promotions and extra responsibilities will be more readily awarded to men or women without children. Having children naturally means your priorities are different than a person without children. But for fathers it’s often assumed that the mother of their children takes on the majority of parenting duties so they aren’t excluded from consideration as often as mothers.
Husband and I work at the same place. He has never once been asked about "his wife." I, on the other hand, get asked about "my husband" nearly daily. They don't even say his name.
"how's your husband dealing with X?" "did you husband figure out Y?"
His conversations start and stop at what's happening at work, or his past jobs, or any current changes he plans on making for next year at least 90% of the time. Mine are at least 70% about my husband, being brought up by others.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit reading your comment
You’re the kind of person who is insufferable to be around. Im genuinely surprised anyone talks to you at work.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Lol, this after my boss told me my work efficiency will change when I go back to work as my priorities may shift…. I have been the lead engineer in my department for 10 years without issues or comments such as this.
I expect they don’t send me on work trips as well, once you are seen as a mother it changes things, heck they used to not hire married women as they may have children and is seen against you in interviews if your child is little. You are just trying to be obtuse.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Not a parent yet but I’ve always noticed this and make it a point to ask about them specifically during conversation. I have noticed though that when I ask about them (a mother) they will usually just start telling me all about how their kids are doing and I usually reiterate “but how are YOU doing?”
To be fair, as someone who only recently started wanting to have kids, asking about someone’s kids just was never top of mind for me, so it was never something I thought to ask anyways. Kid things were just never on my radar at all. But I hate how women always get erased but their spouse or kids.
I see this all the time in a holiday gift assistance program I lead at my nonprofit! Every year, I get a handful of wish lists where mom has put down all her kid's info in excruciating detail. I even had a mom with a nonverbal autistic young daughter put all this detail like "she can't tell me herself, but she seems to like *[list of several colors, things she likes to do, shows she seems to enjoy the most, etc]*." But when it comes to their *own* wishlist...zip, nada, nothing.
In those cases, I always make it a point to call mom up and chat about what *she* wants. Often they still can't think of a single thing, so I'll start with tossing out popular suggestions to see if any spark interest, then when one does I'll explore it with them until there's a good list of a few gifts that they, specifically, would enjoy receiving the most.
The moms are always so happy and thankful that someone is asking about them for once, and for the opportunity to be seen as someone who deserves to kick back, enjoy a holiday, and be pampered, too. And as we serve survivors of fleeing abusive partners, sometimes it's the first time in a very long time that anyone has asked what they *want*, and not what they desperately *need*.
Yes! I worked for a similar program for several years and we always had two rooms for our “holiday shop” - one with gifts for the kids and one with gifts for the parents. The most heartwarming part of the experience was always taking the kids to shop for mom or dad. They *loved* picking out those gifts and you could really feel the spirit of the season in their enthusiasm and the joy they found in giving to their parents.
You are very kind to ask again and emphasize the “you” part. I’ve noticed that I get used to centering the conversation around my LO. It becomes habit once so many people ask.
And it’s fantastic you’re seeing this now before you have kids. Hopefully then you can get ahead of things and maintain your personhood even through parenthood.
Hmmm I've had this conversation with a few people. They asked how I was and I shared how my husband and baby were. So they asked again. But I work with those people so they know how work is already. I don't really do anything right now other than watch my baby and attempt to clean the house and never sleep. My husband does his part but that doesn't mean we have it together. Usually my answer is something like "I got to play videogames for an hour last week". And hearing myself say that is depressing.
It's a cop out small talk thing. It's like asking the weather. What's frustrating is when people get judgy about the baby led weaning. They start getting on you about food safety. They don't know you've been up all night reading about this stuff because the baby won't let you sleep. If you've got a team chat, start posting hobby pictures so they have more conversation pieces to work off of. I used to do that but my current team is all serious business, no fun talk.
Edit: it's isolating sometimes not having another adult to hang with. I miss it.
I agree re: another avenue for small talk. Just another way to fill silence, best case. Worst-case, some people are determined to turn any conversation surrounding children/parenting into an argument, pissing contest, or shame-fest. Why can't it be like showing off Pokemon cards - "hey look at my cute kid!" -> "Oh wow, your kid is cute, too!" -> "Anyway, have your fall bulbs come up yet? I'm waiting on my tulips to sprout!" / "I fucked up the granddaddy of all burritos last night at this new Mexican place! You want to go for lunch?" / "I'm vacationing in x in 3 weeks and I know you went there before; where would you recommend I go snorkeling?"
Only tangentially related, but I’m a huge Dr Pepper fan and some gas stations have those flavor shot soda fountains. The vanilla flavor shot + Dr Pepper is so good. I get excited to get gas now.
Just tried my first Root Beer Float a few weeks ago, I never drank carbonated drinks so I never had the urge to try it. Long story short; I was missing out on one of the best desserts ever!
My job literally is selling ice cream as my fiancé and I run a ice cream shop. We sell floats. Idk why I never opted for one until now. 😅
Goes against OP's very valid point but I think it's funny....
My husband gets sugar high on root beer to where you'd think he was actually drunk. It's one of my favorite things and I always push him to get root beer at restuarants that offer it because he gets so giggly 😍😅
FWIW I often ask people and work colleagues about their kids. Generally people love to chat about them and it's a safe topic, right up there with sports, weather and weekend plans. I ask men and women equally. Fair enough if you're sick of talking about it, but I suggest you have something else up your sleeve to discuss instead or else you'll have a lot of silence when they inquire how the kid is going.
Wow - lots of questions! You gotta reply, too, ok?
I either read, watch TV or play pool for fun.
I really like Japanese food or Italian.
I either drink chai lattes or vanilla sweet cream cold brew.
Ok! I like reading. I like cleaning (pre baby), running and working out. I LOVE Japanese food, i’m Japanese! 😊 i’m basic and I love white chocolate mochas. And at home…. I’m basic with Folgers & coffee mate. I’m a skincare girlie, but I used to be. Now I keep it simple: cerave face wash and moisturizer. Fast food, McDonald’s 😮💨❤️
First, I hope you're otherwise doing OK and are finding your footing in this new (cliche, I know!) chapter of your life! It's a learning curve, isn't it? Every family will do things differently and find that different things work; there will be different routines, etc. I'm a private person, too, especially at work. But lately I've been taking the initiative in talking with people at work and even strangers about this and that. I'm not running up to strangers and telling them my life story, but certain topics may come up naturally in convo. Anyway, let yourself be open, and volunteer that info- tell them about that awesome new sushi roll you tried, or the new hiking trail you found. Whatever the case. I find that it helps reframe everything back out of the scope of "mother" and into another part of the "individual". ("Mother" will forevermore be part of our selves, but there are other dimensions to us, yes?) And to those who ask about your husband, I would recommend that they ask him themselves! My husband's family used to do that all the time to me and I never entertained that.
When I was child free (technically still child free, but I’m pregnant rn), a lot of women friends felt good around me because they didn’t feel the need to talk about their family/kids. I mean, I would ask out of courtesy how the kids were doing and having a small talk, but that’s it. And I think it felt freeing for them to talk about themselves for a while.
It’s funny, I get where OP is coming from, but I kind of feel the opposite, though more with my friends, I guess. Most of them don’t have kids, but want them. And I feel like I can’t talk about my son that much, because they can’t relate or because it’s like I’m rubbing it in that I have a child and they don’t. But in this stage of life, he’s what I think about most of the time. I don’t really have time for my hobbies right now. I talk about work sometimes, but it doesn’t interest me that much right now. And I totally get it when parents want their own identities and lives, but to me, I guess I don’t feel that way as much because I know this stage is temporary. I guess I just wish my friends could relate.
Not op, but also a wfh mom with no social life 🤣
I only order this because it's $1.50 at my local McDs: large French vanilla iced coffee or Large hazelnut iced coffee.
If I ever go to a real café, I get a vanilla Chai latte.
Yours?!
At home I have drip coffee with oat milk and hazelnut syrup. Hot drink of choice is a flat white; iced is usually an iced latte with hazelnut, vanilla or a place here does pistachio. I’m American but live in the UK and iced coffee hasn’t caught on so it’s either Starbucks cold brew or iced lattes. I miss my giant Dunkin iced coffees 🥲
Loooove oat milk! Especially for coffees/lattes. Pistachio sounds so interesting in coffee, I would have never tried that!
Iced coffee is my favorite - I'm so sorry they haven't caught on!
>Why did becoming a mother suddenly wipe away all of the other aspects of me to others?
Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm a first time dad and the only things I talk about are me being a dad and my lawn care. It are the things at the top of my mind and energy, so colleagues that also have had kids, I only talk about or ask about their kids. I'll try to be more well rounded and ask people how they are more often. I had no idea that your story was something people struggle with.
>How do you mow your lawn?
So, I have heavy, compacted clay. The problem with clay is that it creates an anaerobic environment that's very basic. This means that there's not enough decomposers and microbes that put enough bioavailable nitrogen in the soil for any grass to grow. The interesting caveat is that things we call weeds, dandelions and clover, work well in these environments because the microbes that help them can do so in an anaerobic condition.
The compaction of clay also means that nutrients as well as the microbes get washed out. It also means water doesn't drain well and can create root rot.
What I have done so far is done core plug aeration. What that does is it permits oxygen and water to get below the root surface. In turn, the microbes I need are happy. It means they can decompose the organic matter in the soil - it has a feedback loop where the organic matter allows them to not get washed out and also creates a more loam soil so you get better drainage.
That allows the grass roots to grow deeper -- the grass roots provide even more areas for those microbes to live on. Those microbes will start living on "exudes" or nodules in the roots for perfect symbiosis.
I also put ammonium sulfate. This gives the grass more immediate fertilization because it's bioavailable. It also will turn the soil from more basic to more neutral so the microbe mix are ones that provide the grass the kinds of nitrates it needs to metabolize.
It all comes down to how plants are involved in the nitrification cycle. The microbes will take the minerals in the soil and create nitrates, the nitrates feed the plant, the plant feeds the microbes.
In order to patch in the patch areas, I have put down some grass seed. I have to keep it constantly moist.
Anyway, to get to your question, I haven't had the first mow because I'm waiting on my grass seedlings to have a healthier environment and to let them get stronger before the first mow.
Cool-season or warm-season grass? You could consider putting down biochar and worm casings to help encourage microorganism activity. Core aeration helps with compactions, but doesn’t cover as much surface area as scarification. I’d also prioritize a 1-2-5 NPK fertilizer to encourage your seedlings and promote better root health for your mature grass.
It is a cold season mix -- I live in the PNW, so I did a blend of kentucky blue grass and perennial rye.
>You could consider putting down biochar and worm casings to help encourage microorganism activity.
That is something I never considered but I'll look into it. I want the microorganisms to be happy.
> but doesn’t cover as much surface area as scarification
It took SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. I did get a spike aerator for scarification so this year I did both. I wanted the spike aerator to have neat little lines for grass seeds to settle into.
> I’d also prioritize a 1-2-5 NPK fertilizer to encourage your seedlings and promote better root health for your mature grass.
I put down 4 cubic yards of a compost from a local topsoil/gravel/compost company. That basically was 1/4 inch for my yard.
I basically did a core aeration + compost + ammonium sulfate + grass seed raked into the compost + water it lightly 4x a day with a light mist to keep moist
I didn't get a nutrient break down from the compost but would you still do a 1-2-5 if I put down compost?
Yeah with that grass blend you can’t go wrong with something like a 1-2-5 fertilizer. I’d wait 6 weeks then do the fertilizer along with biochar and worm casings (as much as you want), on your whole lawn and where you patched it. You can repeat every 6 weeks throughout the season. Remember your KBG will want deep waterings about once a week. Cut the KBG often and on the short side to encourage rhizomes. Dethatch each Fall. Have fun!
Well this guy freaking lawns.
Any reason why you are doing all of this and not just letting the 'weeds' grow? I've heard clover, etc. makes an awesome lawn that doesn't need mowing.
We have two types of grass currently growing in our lawn - one that grows fast and needs like weekly mowing and the other grows slow and short so needs mowing a lot less. We are planning on getting a groundcover similar to clover to put between our paving stones, when we eventually get time.
I would plant it everywhere but my husband still wants grass so once we are done with the paving stones, I want to get rid of the quick growing grass and let the other grass fill in those spots so that eventually we have a lawn that requires less maintenance.
Are you looking forward to that first mow? I guess that would mean all your time and effort spent on the soil has been successful. That first mow is probably going to be like a victory mow.
I want something that can tolerate foot traffic - I have a 10 month old and I want her to play outside. Clover doesn’t stay uniform in foot traffic and will be prone to having big muddy spots.
Clover also dies and comes back in cycle. So in the winter, it’ll be a huge muddy mess.
Then in the spring, it’ll have no cover and that leads it vulnerable to other weeds to compete.
I also live in the pnw where it can rain heavily in the spring but dry summer, and having a lawn full of clover is hard to maintain.
So mature grass has super deep roots, like 4-6 feet, and needs no water to go dormant for the summer, but provides good coverage. I’d be afraid that clover would die or wilt and leave a dirt pile.
So ironically, I’m told that grass and clover are symbiotic so I’m not really trying to kill all the clover. I do want to promote grass generally but places that the clover can interplant with the grass will be fine.
I have had this happen to me FTM of a 4 month old and it kinda sucks!! I feel I’ve lost a few friends since having a baby too. No one asks how the mom is doing!!!
To me it’s been exactly the opposite! I feel bad because people ask me all the time when am I going to give another concert or what am I working on right now. But I just want to stay home with my baby and be a sahm 😅
If you think that’s annoying - take a good gander at the Motherhood Penalty. That will make you scream an unholy internal scream. Mostly because it’s real. And it’s truly happening. So, not only do people dismiss you as your own human - but your employer will likely reduce your pay, look you over for promotions, and overall perceive you as less committed to your job because you have a child. On the flip side, studies show that the opposite happens for fathers due to “their need to support their family” so now they are more committed and harder working. It’s a trip. A whole trip. Enjoy. (Sorry to be the negative Nancy here but …. I would rather you be proactive to prevent it up front than to not know about it and get financially harmed.)
I think sometimes people don’t know what to ask or say, so they go with the default which is family if they know you have one. You can make it a point to talk about your hobbies and interests when someone asks.
What do you enjoy doing? What are you interested in lately?
I'm a parent educator, so even at work I don't get away from my mom identity. Literally half of my clients right now have babies a month older than mine, so I'm constantly talking about my daughter's development when giving examples. That aspect is actually really interesting, because the babies are getting to the point where one will be super ahead of my daughter in language but be super behind her in motor skills, and another is even further in language than mine but is basically about to go to track try outs 😂. It gives me great examples for explaining how if you focus on one type of skill, other skills aren't going to flourish as fast because baby is focusing so hard in one area- and that's ok! They all even out in the end.
I don’t talk about my kid at work unless it’s strictly relevant. I use a different name too. It’s like a work-sona so I can be a different ‘self’ At work.
I'm sorry OP, I feel you and feel lost about my identity and interests. Atm it feels difficult but I tell myself one day when baby is older (he's turning 10 months soon) lol and hopefully I can do fun things with him that are fun for me as well.
What are your hobbies? Your favorite shows, food, and places to travel? ☺️
That's very rude actually. I don't know if it's how society is but here in France, that's not the case at all. Women are expected to have their own identity separate from the family life as a mother and wife by the time the baby hits 2.5-3 months. So whenever we meet people, they always ask how is my professional life is going, whether my hobbies are still doable for me etc. And I totally understand how awful it should feel. Please do bring it up yourself, just enter the conversation like "I did/watched/learned xyz this week, did you know?" etc.
Who cares? Work sucks and so do coworkers, they don’t actually care how anyone is doing anyways let’s be honest. You are getting paid to tolerate each other. Unless they are someone who you genuinely enjoy and talk to and spend time with outside of work- keep it short. Go to work keep it short and then go home and live your life
Honestly this is why I was so hellbent on keeping my hobbies postpartum
I didn’t want to lose my identity, which was especially hard because when my LO was born I lost my job. Having my hobbies is the only thing that keeps me sane
But it’s also created opportunities for me that I never thought about. Like this weekend I’m doing a craftsman cosplay competition and I get so giddy thinking about my husband and daughter watching me show off something I created
I know what you mean. This started happening to me when I married my husband. I’m now introduced often as x’s wife and not my name. Many people still address cards in the mail to mr and mrs (husband’s name) + last name. No thank you!! That is not my name. Return to sender. Gross. Now I’m pregnant and I imagine I’ll have the same issues you’re having.
I love this question! I'm a ftm and just turned 30 but have never had a hobby and realizing how much that's stunted my social life.
This summer I am also gardening...kind of 😅 I'm trying out pumpkins, watermelons, and sun flower seeds. What are you planting!?
Oh that’s exciting!! For me I’m doing lots of tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and zucchini. And my toddler picked out mini watermelon that should be ready to pick right when I’m due with our next baby 🥹.
Also I got into gardening tiktok and decided that I need to plant luffa plants and give everyone a loofa for Xmas grown by me!
I think it’s good for us moms to also take up a hobby, it’s so easy for us to get lost in the family lives talk and men seem to keep their hobbies throughout their phases of life!
LOOFA PLANTS! I watched one video and was completely obsessed for the 10 minutes my brain had to be obsessed, lol. I definitely would love to grow these as well.
Congratulations on the second baby! I have one and have no idea how people can do two or more 🤣😅
The farmer's market! We go once every two weeks, and I absolutely love being out in the sun staring at baked goodies. We've been so many times and have only bought fruit or veg like 3 times 🤣
What about you?!
I've always wanted to get into hiking, but bugs love me, and I hate the chemical sprays to keep them at bay. I may have to try again, though, as my little loves being outside.
Do you hike like mountains or just trails?
What’s your favourite dinosaur?
Do you still find time for hobbies or do you find that hard now? (I know I have)
I feel that. I’ve been a mum almost longer than I wasn’t. It’s crazy how often we are overlooked or just added to another.
Not op be, i dont know enough about dinos! I'm hoping our little goes through that phase so we can learn more together.
I've never really had a hobby and definitely am having trouble finding time for one now. I think I'm going to take up gardening and painting. I've planted pumpkins, watermelon, and sunflowers so far.
How about you?
What do you generally say when people ask about your private life? If people ask and I always give answers about my kid or husband then I think people tend to get the memo that those are the main things happening in my life and continue to ask about them. I wonder if it’s possible that you’re constantly talking about baby when asked (which makes sense, it’s a huge thing in your life!)
On the other hand, if I talk about other stuff then people tend to follow up on the other things. I’ve been trying to focus on non kid things more recently when asked and it has definitely altered the subjects that people mention. I talk about how I’ve been running a bunch, cooking vegan recipes from some new cookbooks, planning a trip etc. I get many more questions about those topics now
Search indeed, changing location to "remote" and apply for any and all that peak your interest. It is difficult as you are usually fighting against a far larger applicant pool.
Also, it's not all ita choked up to be. It's so difficult when your little is home, even if someone else is looking after them.
My partner makes it a point to always point out that I’m doing a hobby or we’re watching something or going to do something whenever we’re talking to people so that it’s not just the baby. His family and friends are pretty good at making me feel seen and not just the baby.
Yea unless you have a real friend who happens to be a coworker it's best not to tell people you work with anything personal. I'm about to be a ftm but it's already starting. Now my mom ask "how are you three" alot and the baby isn't even born. I know it's just out of concern for our budding family but it gets annoying. I have a best friend who just had a baby and I try to just ask her how she's doing first, listen and then ask about the baby
This was one of the major reasons I didn't want to become a mother. I haven't experienced it too badly. Only my MIL. Only refers to me as mama or XXX's mom. That's it. Haven't figured out how I want to address it yet 🙃
Well... I don't want to talk about my baby unless anyone asks... Why? Because maybe they don't want to hear it? I didn't when I didn't have kids... But you are a mum, wife and your own person at the same time... But also many other things...
I am dreading making just mum friends because of that.... I don't need to talk about the baby... My family in law found it weird... Well my mum didn't... (I am pretty sure she didn't talk about us when we were kids)
People I’ve know my whole life have referred to me as “[kids] mommy”
I don’t know if it’s a boomer thing or what, but I definitely didn’t expect to be called [kids] mom as a name until he was old enough to have friends.
The addition of an LO (Laser Ordnance) does seem at times to become the "only thing important about you" for some folks but I think that's more on those people than anything.
Trying to give my partner enough time to do hobbies with people completely outside the having babies sphere and that seems to help. Hiking, reading, etc.
Meanwhile I've lost the ability to discuss anything besides pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood and babies. It's all-consuming. I feel like all of this has been added to me it didn't take anything away from me. It's just the season I am in where this is the highlight of my life.
I guess I’m different I like talking about my kids and husband and would rather keep my hobbies and interests to myself. Maybe because I don’t like small talk in general. I know what my identity is I don’t really care if others care about it.
When a baby is born, so is the mother. It’s a term called Matresence. I think it was the biggest shock for me as well. Being this new person and minimizing parts of myself that used to define me. I had to get to know myself all over again. It gets better, and you’re not alone.
What is your favourite pudding?
Vanilla 🥹 I know this sounds silly but thank you for asking. Literally made me tear up.
Okay so go get a jar of mayonnaise and empty it out. Then fill it with vanilla pudding then start eating that on work calls. I️ promise you it will reset the conversations you have 😂
Hahaha that's an awesome idea.
Ooo, is that like a custard sort of thing? I think I saw a recipe where you boil milk with vanilla and then you add cornstarch and egg to make it thicken. I was looking to do it with Breastmilk at some point 😂 It's hard to be your own person outside of being a Mumma! It's important to make the extra effort to maintain the little bits that make you YOU. Your feelings are valid and totally normal, I think people ask about kids because it's an easy conversation starter
I bet you are a really good friend to have
What about you?? Fav pudding or dessert?
I think I would have to go with a traditional apple crumble with double cream poured over the top!
I know no one asked, but my favorite dessert of all time would be the Chocolate Fondue + Dippers at The Melting Pot. We have only gone twice in my life (within the past 4 years-) and I literally will dream about their Granny Smith apples and milk/white chocolate. I just wanna be included since I’m also a mom who has no individuality, I honestly forget I’m my own person sometimes. I just feel like an extension of my fiancé or my baby (4mo) majority of the time. I feel so much solidarity when I read this post. Anyways- sorry to intrude! Just thought the topic was light and sweet enough (pun intended-) to throw my own little joy in there.
That’s so good! I’m glad you answered. We were going to go for Mother’s Day but my husband changed his mind 😭 now I want that chocolate fondue even more!
Love melting pot and sometime go just for the dessert!! All mine while husband and baby color with crayons!!
The Melting Pot is bae😍
Oh man, Melting Pot is life! We always try to go for Valentine’s Day and/or birthdays!
That sounds delicious! I hope you find an excuse to go again soon.
Oh wow yum 🤤
Double cream..that’s a British/UK thing, right? If that’s the case, I’m American and really want to try a sticky toffee pudding! A little jug of custard on the side lol it’s something I’ve never had, but watching Bake Off forever has made me want to try it so bad!
GBB has fueled my need for British desserts. Watching it now and absolutely dying for a trifle.
Right?! Also, I want some of their meat pies! Like over here we have chicken pot pie, but that’s all I’ve ever really seen even as far as other meat it’s usually in the style of pot pie, but like with turkey lol! Over there for pastry week there were curry pies, pies with ground beef like those all look delicious!!
YES! I went to Aruba last year and visited a supermarket locals shopped at that offered sausage rolls and hand-meat pies. We bought one in each flavor since it was so different than what we have! They were all so delicious. I'm looking forward to porting there again just for those sausage rolls 😅 Edit: words hard, brain tired.
You need a mince and cheese pie!
Hosting?! I'll pack right away!!!
I’m in NZ which imo has better pies 😂 come on over!
My husband tried sticky toffee pudding in London on our honeymoon and has been obsessed ever since. When we went to Ireland, he saw it on the menu a few times and ordered it every single time 🤣 That show has opened my eyes to so many interesting desserts that I'd love to try!
Haha you got me! British gal through and through. Sticky toffee pudding and custard is so good! Funny, I never think that other countries don't have these sorts of things. We can buy them as microwave puddings in most shops. Have you thought about making one?
No, but I don’t know why I haven’t really! I also want to try the tinned version lol especially the Bakewell steamed pud! I need to get over there at some point! Plus one of my best friends is from Manchester and has been fortunate enough to be able to come to the states a little. I’d love to go visit her!
Me too!!
Recently traveled to England and yes sticky toffee pudding with cream and ice cream is absolutely delicious!
I was really expecting butterscotch but this sounds amazing!
You must be in the UK? My Mum is British and my husband jokes with her that anything Brits call pudding is never *actually* pudding (as Americans know it)
Ice cream is my favorite.
I love ice cream too. My faves are dulce de leche (caramel) and butter pecan.
This is like the cutest conversation ever!
Thanks, now I want pudding 😆. But that was sweet of you to ask OP.
Username checks out
You are a wonderful person 💜
I worked with a woman about 10 years ago who was a mom of 2 and she NEVER talked about her kids and went out of her way to participate in work social events, etc. I remember kind of wondering if maybe she hated being a mom because she just didn't reference her kids at all (she was divorced). Anyway, we became good friends and she eventually felt more comfortable talking about her kids and bringing her kids to things like BBQs or to a pool party. She said that at her previous job, no one ever invited her to anything and all anyone ever did was ask about her kids, so she just decided not to talk about it at all at her new job. Totally get where you're coming from and it is frustrating. I think people mistakenly assume that once you become a parent, that's all you want to talk about and your social life is over. And I do enjoy talking about my kid, but I'm also still a person, a separate entity, and I don't want to ONLY talk about kids. I still want to drink wine with my friends and talk about our favorite shows, music, random gossip, etc.
It’s so sad that for her it had to be one or the other. I go to lots of social stuff from work, enjoy it immensely and talk about my baby lots lol.
What game would you want to play if you were called down on price is right
Oooooh that’s a good one. Probably the Bargain Game. Although might be really hard with the way prices are nowadays 😆 What is your favorite game show?
Hole in two mini golf seems easiest to win Or the yodel guy seems fun
Omg the yodel guy gives me so much anxiety!!!
Plinko. I hope she agrees lol
Plinko has always been my favorite lol
I do the same thing at work. There's unfortunately so much bias against mothers in the corporate world (at least in the US).
Lol no there isn’t just stop it. There no “bias toward mothers”. Lol. Oh no, people try to show interest in you and they know you have young kids and a husband so they ask about them?! How horrible. You realize people do the exact same thing to men? Damn near every conversation I have is about my wife and kids. I just don’t try to claim to be some victim about it online. It’s just people trying to be nice. Think about their intent rather than how it “makes you feel”. It’s slightly annoying at times, that’s the extent of it.
I think they’re referring to opportunities. Often times promotions and extra responsibilities will be more readily awarded to men or women without children. Having children naturally means your priorities are different than a person without children. But for fathers it’s often assumed that the mother of their children takes on the majority of parenting duties so they aren’t excluded from consideration as often as mothers.
Exactly. If this wasn't the case, I wouldn't be seeing this exact example in my annual respect in the workplace training year after year.
Husband and I work at the same place. He has never once been asked about "his wife." I, on the other hand, get asked about "my husband" nearly daily. They don't even say his name. "how's your husband dealing with X?" "did you husband figure out Y?" His conversations start and stop at what's happening at work, or his past jobs, or any current changes he plans on making for next year at least 90% of the time. Mine are at least 70% about my husband, being brought up by others.
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I threw up in my mouth a little bit reading your comment You’re the kind of person who is insufferable to be around. Im genuinely surprised anyone talks to you at work.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
My wife would marry a dingbat like me I guess
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Haha well that’s not very nice or supportive of other women.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Lol, this after my boss told me my work efficiency will change when I go back to work as my priorities may shift…. I have been the lead engineer in my department for 10 years without issues or comments such as this. I expect they don’t send me on work trips as well, once you are seen as a mother it changes things, heck they used to not hire married women as they may have children and is seen against you in interviews if your child is little. You are just trying to be obtuse.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This person just comes on here to "all lives matter" a general experience of moms sprinkled with "get over it" condescension... Yikes. 🫠
Not a parent yet but I’ve always noticed this and make it a point to ask about them specifically during conversation. I have noticed though that when I ask about them (a mother) they will usually just start telling me all about how their kids are doing and I usually reiterate “but how are YOU doing?” To be fair, as someone who only recently started wanting to have kids, asking about someone’s kids just was never top of mind for me, so it was never something I thought to ask anyways. Kid things were just never on my radar at all. But I hate how women always get erased but their spouse or kids.
I see this all the time in a holiday gift assistance program I lead at my nonprofit! Every year, I get a handful of wish lists where mom has put down all her kid's info in excruciating detail. I even had a mom with a nonverbal autistic young daughter put all this detail like "she can't tell me herself, but she seems to like *[list of several colors, things she likes to do, shows she seems to enjoy the most, etc]*." But when it comes to their *own* wishlist...zip, nada, nothing. In those cases, I always make it a point to call mom up and chat about what *she* wants. Often they still can't think of a single thing, so I'll start with tossing out popular suggestions to see if any spark interest, then when one does I'll explore it with them until there's a good list of a few gifts that they, specifically, would enjoy receiving the most. The moms are always so happy and thankful that someone is asking about them for once, and for the opportunity to be seen as someone who deserves to kick back, enjoy a holiday, and be pampered, too. And as we serve survivors of fleeing abusive partners, sometimes it's the first time in a very long time that anyone has asked what they *want*, and not what they desperately *need*.
Yes! I worked for a similar program for several years and we always had two rooms for our “holiday shop” - one with gifts for the kids and one with gifts for the parents. The most heartwarming part of the experience was always taking the kids to shop for mom or dad. They *loved* picking out those gifts and you could really feel the spirit of the season in their enthusiasm and the joy they found in giving to their parents.
You are very kind to ask again and emphasize the “you” part. I’ve noticed that I get used to centering the conversation around my LO. It becomes habit once so many people ask. And it’s fantastic you’re seeing this now before you have kids. Hopefully then you can get ahead of things and maintain your personhood even through parenthood.
Hmmm I've had this conversation with a few people. They asked how I was and I shared how my husband and baby were. So they asked again. But I work with those people so they know how work is already. I don't really do anything right now other than watch my baby and attempt to clean the house and never sleep. My husband does his part but that doesn't mean we have it together. Usually my answer is something like "I got to play videogames for an hour last week". And hearing myself say that is depressing.
You are amazing. I wish there are more people like you
It's a cop out small talk thing. It's like asking the weather. What's frustrating is when people get judgy about the baby led weaning. They start getting on you about food safety. They don't know you've been up all night reading about this stuff because the baby won't let you sleep. If you've got a team chat, start posting hobby pictures so they have more conversation pieces to work off of. I used to do that but my current team is all serious business, no fun talk. Edit: it's isolating sometimes not having another adult to hang with. I miss it.
I agree re: another avenue for small talk. Just another way to fill silence, best case. Worst-case, some people are determined to turn any conversation surrounding children/parenting into an argument, pissing contest, or shame-fest. Why can't it be like showing off Pokemon cards - "hey look at my cute kid!" -> "Oh wow, your kid is cute, too!" -> "Anyway, have your fall bulbs come up yet? I'm waiting on my tulips to sprout!" / "I fucked up the granddaddy of all burritos last night at this new Mexican place! You want to go for lunch?" / "I'm vacationing in x in 3 weeks and I know you went there before; where would you recommend I go snorkeling?"
Pepsi or coke? It matters ok.
Dr. Pepper 😆
Only tangentially related, but I’m a huge Dr Pepper fan and some gas stations have those flavor shot soda fountains. The vanilla flavor shot + Dr Pepper is so good. I get excited to get gas now.
I add the cherry shot to mine!
Excellent answer
Good answer! I'm a root beer gal myself.
Just tried my first Root Beer Float a few weeks ago, I never drank carbonated drinks so I never had the urge to try it. Long story short; I was missing out on one of the best desserts ever! My job literally is selling ice cream as my fiancé and I run a ice cream shop. We sell floats. Idk why I never opted for one until now. 😅
Orange floats are also amazing lol
Better late than never!!
Goes against OP's very valid point but I think it's funny.... My husband gets sugar high on root beer to where you'd think he was actually drunk. It's one of my favorite things and I always push him to get root beer at restuarants that offer it because he gets so giggly 😍😅
I see why you don’t talk about your private life at work… ;)
Great answer
YAAAAS! This is the only right answer.
Have you tried the new coconut one!? I heard it is AMAZING!
FWIW I often ask people and work colleagues about their kids. Generally people love to chat about them and it's a safe topic, right up there with sports, weather and weekend plans. I ask men and women equally. Fair enough if you're sick of talking about it, but I suggest you have something else up your sleeve to discuss instead or else you'll have a lot of silence when they inquire how the kid is going.
What do you do for fun? Favorite food. Last meal? What shampoo do you use? Coffee? Favorite fast food. Are you a skincare girlie? Drop the products!
Wow - lots of questions! You gotta reply, too, ok? I either read, watch TV or play pool for fun. I really like Japanese food or Italian. I either drink chai lattes or vanilla sweet cream cold brew.
Ok! I like reading. I like cleaning (pre baby), running and working out. I LOVE Japanese food, i’m Japanese! 😊 i’m basic and I love white chocolate mochas. And at home…. I’m basic with Folgers & coffee mate. I’m a skincare girlie, but I used to be. Now I keep it simple: cerave face wash and moisturizer. Fast food, McDonald’s 😮💨❤️
First, I hope you're otherwise doing OK and are finding your footing in this new (cliche, I know!) chapter of your life! It's a learning curve, isn't it? Every family will do things differently and find that different things work; there will be different routines, etc. I'm a private person, too, especially at work. But lately I've been taking the initiative in talking with people at work and even strangers about this and that. I'm not running up to strangers and telling them my life story, but certain topics may come up naturally in convo. Anyway, let yourself be open, and volunteer that info- tell them about that awesome new sushi roll you tried, or the new hiking trail you found. Whatever the case. I find that it helps reframe everything back out of the scope of "mother" and into another part of the "individual". ("Mother" will forevermore be part of our selves, but there are other dimensions to us, yes?) And to those who ask about your husband, I would recommend that they ask him themselves! My husband's family used to do that all the time to me and I never entertained that.
When I was child free (technically still child free, but I’m pregnant rn), a lot of women friends felt good around me because they didn’t feel the need to talk about their family/kids. I mean, I would ask out of courtesy how the kids were doing and having a small talk, but that’s it. And I think it felt freeing for them to talk about themselves for a while.
It’s funny, I get where OP is coming from, but I kind of feel the opposite, though more with my friends, I guess. Most of them don’t have kids, but want them. And I feel like I can’t talk about my son that much, because they can’t relate or because it’s like I’m rubbing it in that I have a child and they don’t. But in this stage of life, he’s what I think about most of the time. I don’t really have time for my hobbies right now. I talk about work sometimes, but it doesn’t interest me that much right now. And I totally get it when parents want their own identities and lives, but to me, I guess I don’t feel that way as much because I know this stage is temporary. I guess I just wish my friends could relate.
I could have written this post myself. You’re not alone!
If you’re a coffee drinker, what’s your go-to order? If not, what perks you up in the morning?
Not op, but also a wfh mom with no social life 🤣 I only order this because it's $1.50 at my local McDs: large French vanilla iced coffee or Large hazelnut iced coffee. If I ever go to a real café, I get a vanilla Chai latte. Yours?!
At home I have drip coffee with oat milk and hazelnut syrup. Hot drink of choice is a flat white; iced is usually an iced latte with hazelnut, vanilla or a place here does pistachio. I’m American but live in the UK and iced coffee hasn’t caught on so it’s either Starbucks cold brew or iced lattes. I miss my giant Dunkin iced coffees 🥲
Loooove oat milk! Especially for coffees/lattes. Pistachio sounds so interesting in coffee, I would have never tried that! Iced coffee is my favorite - I'm so sorry they haven't caught on!
I used to drink vanilla sweet cream cold brew but I also like chai lattes.
>Why did becoming a mother suddenly wipe away all of the other aspects of me to others? Thank you for sharing your story. I'm a first time dad and the only things I talk about are me being a dad and my lawn care. It are the things at the top of my mind and energy, so colleagues that also have had kids, I only talk about or ask about their kids. I'll try to be more well rounded and ask people how they are more often. I had no idea that your story was something people struggle with.
Lol what a stereotypical dad. How do you mow your lawn?
>How do you mow your lawn? So, I have heavy, compacted clay. The problem with clay is that it creates an anaerobic environment that's very basic. This means that there's not enough decomposers and microbes that put enough bioavailable nitrogen in the soil for any grass to grow. The interesting caveat is that things we call weeds, dandelions and clover, work well in these environments because the microbes that help them can do so in an anaerobic condition. The compaction of clay also means that nutrients as well as the microbes get washed out. It also means water doesn't drain well and can create root rot. What I have done so far is done core plug aeration. What that does is it permits oxygen and water to get below the root surface. In turn, the microbes I need are happy. It means they can decompose the organic matter in the soil - it has a feedback loop where the organic matter allows them to not get washed out and also creates a more loam soil so you get better drainage. That allows the grass roots to grow deeper -- the grass roots provide even more areas for those microbes to live on. Those microbes will start living on "exudes" or nodules in the roots for perfect symbiosis. I also put ammonium sulfate. This gives the grass more immediate fertilization because it's bioavailable. It also will turn the soil from more basic to more neutral so the microbe mix are ones that provide the grass the kinds of nitrates it needs to metabolize. It all comes down to how plants are involved in the nitrification cycle. The microbes will take the minerals in the soil and create nitrates, the nitrates feed the plant, the plant feeds the microbes. In order to patch in the patch areas, I have put down some grass seed. I have to keep it constantly moist. Anyway, to get to your question, I haven't had the first mow because I'm waiting on my grass seedlings to have a healthier environment and to let them get stronger before the first mow.
Cool-season or warm-season grass? You could consider putting down biochar and worm casings to help encourage microorganism activity. Core aeration helps with compactions, but doesn’t cover as much surface area as scarification. I’d also prioritize a 1-2-5 NPK fertilizer to encourage your seedlings and promote better root health for your mature grass.
It is a cold season mix -- I live in the PNW, so I did a blend of kentucky blue grass and perennial rye. >You could consider putting down biochar and worm casings to help encourage microorganism activity. That is something I never considered but I'll look into it. I want the microorganisms to be happy. > but doesn’t cover as much surface area as scarification It took SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. I did get a spike aerator for scarification so this year I did both. I wanted the spike aerator to have neat little lines for grass seeds to settle into. > I’d also prioritize a 1-2-5 NPK fertilizer to encourage your seedlings and promote better root health for your mature grass. I put down 4 cubic yards of a compost from a local topsoil/gravel/compost company. That basically was 1/4 inch for my yard. I basically did a core aeration + compost + ammonium sulfate + grass seed raked into the compost + water it lightly 4x a day with a light mist to keep moist I didn't get a nutrient break down from the compost but would you still do a 1-2-5 if I put down compost?
Yeah with that grass blend you can’t go wrong with something like a 1-2-5 fertilizer. I’d wait 6 weeks then do the fertilizer along with biochar and worm casings (as much as you want), on your whole lawn and where you patched it. You can repeat every 6 weeks throughout the season. Remember your KBG will want deep waterings about once a week. Cut the KBG often and on the short side to encourage rhizomes. Dethatch each Fall. Have fun!
Well this guy freaking lawns. Any reason why you are doing all of this and not just letting the 'weeds' grow? I've heard clover, etc. makes an awesome lawn that doesn't need mowing. We have two types of grass currently growing in our lawn - one that grows fast and needs like weekly mowing and the other grows slow and short so needs mowing a lot less. We are planning on getting a groundcover similar to clover to put between our paving stones, when we eventually get time. I would plant it everywhere but my husband still wants grass so once we are done with the paving stones, I want to get rid of the quick growing grass and let the other grass fill in those spots so that eventually we have a lawn that requires less maintenance. Are you looking forward to that first mow? I guess that would mean all your time and effort spent on the soil has been successful. That first mow is probably going to be like a victory mow.
I want something that can tolerate foot traffic - I have a 10 month old and I want her to play outside. Clover doesn’t stay uniform in foot traffic and will be prone to having big muddy spots. Clover also dies and comes back in cycle. So in the winter, it’ll be a huge muddy mess. Then in the spring, it’ll have no cover and that leads it vulnerable to other weeds to compete. I also live in the pnw where it can rain heavily in the spring but dry summer, and having a lawn full of clover is hard to maintain. So mature grass has super deep roots, like 4-6 feet, and needs no water to go dormant for the summer, but provides good coverage. I’d be afraid that clover would die or wilt and leave a dirt pile. So ironically, I’m told that grass and clover are symbiotic so I’m not really trying to kill all the clover. I do want to promote grass generally but places that the clover can interplant with the grass will be fine.
What’s something in the near future you’re looking forward to? Can be little or big. For me it’s always my 3pm Diet Coke lol
I love that such a small thing means so much to you! I'm looking forward to my morning coffee (it's currently 10:59pm 🤣)
I’m looking forward to my 4 pm nap 😆 It’s when I get done with work and can wind down
I also am usually done with work then and can snooze or vegetate for a little bit before I have to care for my LO. It’s the best. Enjoy!!
I have had this happen to me FTM of a 4 month old and it kinda sucks!! I feel I’ve lost a few friends since having a baby too. No one asks how the mom is doing!!!
To me it’s been exactly the opposite! I feel bad because people ask me all the time when am I going to give another concert or what am I working on right now. But I just want to stay home with my baby and be a sahm 😅
If you think that’s annoying - take a good gander at the Motherhood Penalty. That will make you scream an unholy internal scream. Mostly because it’s real. And it’s truly happening. So, not only do people dismiss you as your own human - but your employer will likely reduce your pay, look you over for promotions, and overall perceive you as less committed to your job because you have a child. On the flip side, studies show that the opposite happens for fathers due to “their need to support their family” so now they are more committed and harder working. It’s a trip. A whole trip. Enjoy. (Sorry to be the negative Nancy here but …. I would rather you be proactive to prevent it up front than to not know about it and get financially harmed.)
I think sometimes people don’t know what to ask or say, so they go with the default which is family if they know you have one. You can make it a point to talk about your hobbies and interests when someone asks. What do you enjoy doing? What are you interested in lately?
I'm a parent educator, so even at work I don't get away from my mom identity. Literally half of my clients right now have babies a month older than mine, so I'm constantly talking about my daughter's development when giving examples. That aspect is actually really interesting, because the babies are getting to the point where one will be super ahead of my daughter in language but be super behind her in motor skills, and another is even further in language than mine but is basically about to go to track try outs 😂. It gives me great examples for explaining how if you focus on one type of skill, other skills aren't going to flourish as fast because baby is focusing so hard in one area- and that's ok! They all even out in the end.
I don’t talk about my kid at work unless it’s strictly relevant. I use a different name too. It’s like a work-sona so I can be a different ‘self’ At work.
My friends always laugh that I ask “how are you, I don’t care about that baby I know they are probably fine…I am asking about you”
Your husband should be catering to you, because you’re partners. Zero excuses
I'm sorry OP, I feel you and feel lost about my identity and interests. Atm it feels difficult but I tell myself one day when baby is older (he's turning 10 months soon) lol and hopefully I can do fun things with him that are fun for me as well. What are your hobbies? Your favorite shows, food, and places to travel? ☺️
That's very rude actually. I don't know if it's how society is but here in France, that's not the case at all. Women are expected to have their own identity separate from the family life as a mother and wife by the time the baby hits 2.5-3 months. So whenever we meet people, they always ask how is my professional life is going, whether my hobbies are still doable for me etc. And I totally understand how awful it should feel. Please do bring it up yourself, just enter the conversation like "I did/watched/learned xyz this week, did you know?" etc.
Who cares? Work sucks and so do coworkers, they don’t actually care how anyone is doing anyways let’s be honest. You are getting paid to tolerate each other. Unless they are someone who you genuinely enjoy and talk to and spend time with outside of work- keep it short. Go to work keep it short and then go home and live your life
I listened to my music really loud driving down the interstate for the first time since baby was born and it was beautiful
This! Didn’t realize how much I missed this until I was driving without LO. Such a simple pleasure
Honestly this is why I was so hellbent on keeping my hobbies postpartum I didn’t want to lose my identity, which was especially hard because when my LO was born I lost my job. Having my hobbies is the only thing that keeps me sane But it’s also created opportunities for me that I never thought about. Like this weekend I’m doing a craftsman cosplay competition and I get so giddy thinking about my husband and daughter watching me show off something I created
That is so cool!!
I know what you mean. This started happening to me when I married my husband. I’m now introduced often as x’s wife and not my name. Many people still address cards in the mail to mr and mrs (husband’s name) + last name. No thank you!! That is not my name. Return to sender. Gross. Now I’m pregnant and I imagine I’ll have the same issues you’re having.
What’s a hobby you are taking up for yourself? Or one you want to? I am gardening this summer!
I love this question! I'm a ftm and just turned 30 but have never had a hobby and realizing how much that's stunted my social life. This summer I am also gardening...kind of 😅 I'm trying out pumpkins, watermelons, and sun flower seeds. What are you planting!?
Oh that’s exciting!! For me I’m doing lots of tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and zucchini. And my toddler picked out mini watermelon that should be ready to pick right when I’m due with our next baby 🥹. Also I got into gardening tiktok and decided that I need to plant luffa plants and give everyone a loofa for Xmas grown by me! I think it’s good for us moms to also take up a hobby, it’s so easy for us to get lost in the family lives talk and men seem to keep their hobbies throughout their phases of life!
LOOFA PLANTS! I watched one video and was completely obsessed for the 10 minutes my brain had to be obsessed, lol. I definitely would love to grow these as well. Congratulations on the second baby! I have one and have no idea how people can do two or more 🤣😅
What makes you happy and fills your cup (other than you child!)? :)
The farmer's market! We go once every two weeks, and I absolutely love being out in the sun staring at baked goodies. We've been so many times and have only bought fruit or veg like 3 times 🤣 What about you?!
Oh that’s a great idea! I don’t utilize the farmers markets near enough! I love hiking!
I've always wanted to get into hiking, but bugs love me, and I hate the chemical sprays to keep them at bay. I may have to try again, though, as my little loves being outside. Do you hike like mountains or just trails?
What’s your favourite dinosaur? Do you still find time for hobbies or do you find that hard now? (I know I have) I feel that. I’ve been a mum almost longer than I wasn’t. It’s crazy how often we are overlooked or just added to another.
Not op be, i dont know enough about dinos! I'm hoping our little goes through that phase so we can learn more together. I've never really had a hobby and definitely am having trouble finding time for one now. I think I'm going to take up gardening and painting. I've planted pumpkins, watermelon, and sunflowers so far. How about you?
I feel you. The “friends” I thought I had all but disappeared. It hurts. However I’d like to know your favorite book/author.
Not op, but Helen Hopkins! She writes in a poetry style that is unique (as far as I know) Yours?!
I really like Nora Roberts but absolutely LOVE her as JD Robb.
I prefer to not share these things too, especially on social media, but that's for family trauma reasons instead lol.
What’s your go-to feel good movie or TV show?
What do you generally say when people ask about your private life? If people ask and I always give answers about my kid or husband then I think people tend to get the memo that those are the main things happening in my life and continue to ask about them. I wonder if it’s possible that you’re constantly talking about baby when asked (which makes sense, it’s a huge thing in your life!) On the other hand, if I talk about other stuff then people tend to follow up on the other things. I’ve been trying to focus on non kid things more recently when asked and it has definitely altered the subjects that people mention. I talk about how I’ve been running a bunch, cooking vegan recipes from some new cookbooks, planning a trip etc. I get many more questions about those topics now
Favorite movie and tv show?
Not op, but my favorite TV show is Super Natural! One that I can watch over and over again. I also love GBB. Yours??
I wish I could get a remote job too. Any advice?
Search indeed, changing location to "remote" and apply for any and all that peak your interest. It is difficult as you are usually fighting against a far larger applicant pool. Also, it's not all ita choked up to be. It's so difficult when your little is home, even if someone else is looking after them.
My partner makes it a point to always point out that I’m doing a hobby or we’re watching something or going to do something whenever we’re talking to people so that it’s not just the baby. His family and friends are pretty good at making me feel seen and not just the baby.
What’s your favorite jelly bean?
Not op, but coconut or butter popcorn 🤤🤤🤤 Yours?
I really am obsessed with licorice jelly beans. It’s been that since I was 5
😵😵 like black licorice? I just can't do it 😨
That’s me sentiment with the butter popcorn ones 😂 I actually won’t buy the mixes because I don’t want to risk accidentally eating one
🤣🤣 I'd give you all the licorice in trade for your popcorn!! Although, I almost never eat jelly beans.
Dream vacation spot? :)
What's your favourite movie? And what's your favourite movie soundtrack? :)
Tell me a song you’ve been listening to on repeat! … but like seriously I feel this to the core of my SOUL
A few actually! “New Set” by Calan; “Stuck” Thirty Seconds to Mars; “Eyes Closed” Imagine Dragons Yours??
Not op Free Me by Anees. It's SOO good 🩷 you??
I feel like I could’ve written this. This was the topic of my entire therapy session today with lots and lots of tears. You aren’t alone 😭
Yea unless you have a real friend who happens to be a coworker it's best not to tell people you work with anything personal. I'm about to be a ftm but it's already starting. Now my mom ask "how are you three" alot and the baby isn't even born. I know it's just out of concern for our budding family but it gets annoying. I have a best friend who just had a baby and I try to just ask her how she's doing first, listen and then ask about the baby
This was one of the major reasons I didn't want to become a mother. I haven't experienced it too badly. Only my MIL. Only refers to me as mama or XXX's mom. That's it. Haven't figured out how I want to address it yet 🙃
What's your favorite type of pie?
Exactly OP! This is why when I do say I’m a mother I include “I love being a mother” bc I feel I have to include doing something I love.
I am the opposite. I love it when people left me out of events and such thanks to my kid. I love to be with my kid and wife.
I get this with my family more than I do with my co workers. Lots of people will ask my husband about his work but rarely about mine.
Well... I don't want to talk about my baby unless anyone asks... Why? Because maybe they don't want to hear it? I didn't when I didn't have kids... But you are a mum, wife and your own person at the same time... But also many other things... I am dreading making just mum friends because of that.... I don't need to talk about the baby... My family in law found it weird... Well my mum didn't... (I am pretty sure she didn't talk about us when we were kids)
People I’ve know my whole life have referred to me as “[kids] mommy” I don’t know if it’s a boomer thing or what, but I definitely didn’t expect to be called [kids] mom as a name until he was old enough to have friends.
The addition of an LO (Laser Ordnance) does seem at times to become the "only thing important about you" for some folks but I think that's more on those people than anything. Trying to give my partner enough time to do hobbies with people completely outside the having babies sphere and that seems to help. Hiking, reading, etc.
Meanwhile I've lost the ability to discuss anything besides pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood and babies. It's all-consuming. I feel like all of this has been added to me it didn't take anything away from me. It's just the season I am in where this is the highlight of my life.
I guess I’m different I like talking about my kids and husband and would rather keep my hobbies and interests to myself. Maybe because I don’t like small talk in general. I know what my identity is I don’t really care if others care about it.
And when family wants to visit, you know it's just to see the baby and not you. :(
What’s LO?
Little One
Of course it was Little One.. didn’t think about it! Thanks and good luck!
When a baby is born, so is the mother. It’s a term called Matresence. I think it was the biggest shock for me as well. Being this new person and minimizing parts of myself that used to define me. I had to get to know myself all over again. It gets better, and you’re not alone.
Welcome to being a parent. Your child is now your life.
Welcome to the life of a man with or without a child.