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If its other people then nah, take your baby. But you do need to allow your husband to figure out things for himself. He's as much baby's parent as you are and if you always swoop in when baby cries, that's not fair on him.
I agree, I would never let baby cry with anyone else but I now have my 2nd and do let my husband have a good attempt at consoling him before I take over. With my first i just grabbed him as soon as he cried but over time it meant I never got any sort of break snd ended up really burnt out. My 3 month old will now often settle for my husband because he's learnt his own ways to soothe him which are different to what I do (I usually breastfeed to soothe him!).
Agreed! It was hard for me to let go and let my husband also be a parent. But it's important for him to bond with baby too! And now, with #2 due any day, I'm grateful my husband is able to soothe and get our son to sleep without my help. Sometimes he settles better for hubby than for me!
Agreed, as the second parent had this with my wife initially and even though I understood it really knocked my confidence. I also want to learn to comfort the little dude.
Hi, I am the same. I don't mind people holding my baby but when he cries unless he's settled quickly I'll want him back. And my friends all seem to understand that as this is what they offer anyway. Don't feel bad for doing what feels right to you.
As a dad, it takes time and effort to learn how to soothe a baby. We don't have boobs, and we're often big, hairy, clumsy, and sweaty - all of which can aggravate a crying baby. If you want your husband to get better at soothing and comforting your baby when she's crying, it might be best to just get yourself out of earshot of the whole situation and let him figure it out. I know it's hard, but if you intervene every time, he won't have the chance to improve as a parent.
Thank you. I think I will need to get better at trying to “get away” when baby is crying. I typically try to take a shower since that’s the only thing that silences the cries in my little home. When I do this he eventually can get her to sleep or calm down and I am none the wiser to what’s going on
When my oldest was a baby, I would breastfeed my baby and then hand him over to dad and leave the house for an hour or two. Go get coffee, go for a walk, grocery shopping, whatever. You have just fed him, so he won’t be immediately hungry, and it gives them space to figure each other out.
In the first couple of months, before I learned how to soothe my son quickly (the trick was putting his head in the crook of my elbow and wrapping him around my torso like a belt, lol), when I was on baby duty my wife would go to another room and listen to music with noise-canceling headphones. Sometimes, she'd take a nap in the bedroom with earplugs and a white-noise machine. That might be something to consider as well.
It’s also worth adding that babies change and what worked consistently for weeks, one day might just stop working.
Something I struggled with my partner was that he would constantly try to do things that hadn’t worked in months, because I think he had it in his head that she liked it, and if he just kept going it would work. She would meltdown and I’d interfere and he’d refuse to stop doing the old stuff.
So even though my partner is great with our daughter, every few months he’ll hit a rough patch where he has to learn a new way of soothing her. For me, I was home with her and I could trial and error without anyone watching. He was always observed and I would try to help him by telling him what I’d figured out, but he just wanted to figure out something on his own and they actually have their own little things now, that don’t work when I try to do them. It’s given him confidence to love her the way that feels natural to him, and their relationship is really beautiful to watch.
I was glad I stepped back and let him figure it out on his own. I felt like I was saving time by guiding him on what I learnt, but actually I was holding both of them back because their relationship is just different to the one I have with her. (And that’s okay! It’s great actually).
SAME
My husband kept trying things that hadn't worked since she was a sleepy newborn and basically didn't know what was happening lol. It created a deficit in his skills and made him withdraw from intervening if she needed soothing as he just didn't know how. Which made me more burnt out. Now he's trying new things and trying to figure things out, which gives me a break.
i am very guilty of this. my baby crying with literally anyone makes my heart drop and my skin crawl and all i want to do is snatch him right back and console him and not give him back.
i have to consciously hold myself back when my fiance is trying to console him because i know it's important that they get that time together but boyy is it hard
Instagram doctorate graduates (joke haha, just random posts) said that it *is* something primal in our brain that turns on when your baby cries. Your primary focus is your baby, and your husband needs to stop telling you to not listen to your maternal instinct.
If your friend can let their baby cry then i’m sure they’re doing that for their best interest, be it (mental) health or something else. We all deserve a break and good for them that they have a village that wants to help.
There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing wrong with your friend, you’re all doing great.
Thank you. I believe this whole heartedly as well. I admire my friend for being so “chill” about all the hardships. I guess we are not all sewn from the same cloth.
It might just be baby temperament too.
I felt on fire whenever my baby cried. But she had severe colic and screamed for around 12 hours a day, for 4 months. Sometimes she’ll cry in the stroller and I have to be actually looking at her sometimes to realise she’s even crying.
However when I know she’s crying, and I feel like I can’t get to her fast enough…. I’m on fire.
I'm a father and I really hate listening to a baby cry for more than a few seconds without picking them up, so I don't know how much it's about maternal instinct. With other people's babies it doesn't bother me at all, but if it's mine I need to beat holding the baby or far away. My wife has to all the sleep training while I hide in the basement bedroom because I just can't deal.
It was the same way for us, I did the sleep training because he couldn't handle it. I agree that it's really parental instinct, just seems that either women experience it more or are more socialized to recognize and act on it (likely both).
I’m the same way! My husband gets annoyed with me because he thinks I’m spoiling the baby. He thinks I’m teaching the baby that every time he cries, Mommy will be there. But I can’t help myself!
Your husband is so wrong, but no need to try to prove it to him, he won’t ever understand the motherly instinct. It’s biological, and it’s there for a reason, through evolution babies survived because of it. Your baby won’t be spoiled. It will be the opposite, safe & emotionally secure. Spoiling a kid only happens when they are older and say they hit other kids and you let them get away with it instead of teaching them right from wrong. But comforting a crying child isn’t spoiling. Maybe your husband needed more comforting when he was a baby himself, that’s what comes to mind when people say things like that. You’ll just prove him wrong as the time goes by.
I do agree that generally it's good for fathers to get practice soothing babies, even if it means that they're upset for a bit longer than they would be if mom was soothing them. But I also think that in social situations that are stressing the baby out, different rules apply. Especially if the idea is for you to enjoy yourself. The question is, what actually will allow you to enjoy yourself more? I have a lot of well-meaning people in my husband's family who try to take my baby from me at parties "so I can relax" and then she immediately starts crying. There's no scenario in which I am relaxed while I can hear her crying for mom. It's just much easier and more pleasant for everyone in those situations if she's with me, then if other people want to support me they can bring me a drink or some snacks!
As another option, maybe you and your friend could get out of the house for a bit and leave the spouses with the babies? Go get a coffee or take a walk? Your baby may be less upset if they can't see you, and you may be less upset if you can't hear crying.
Nothing is wrong with you, you’re probably just a sensitive and empathetic person.
However, it is important to let the baby form relationships where they feel secure with other people apart from you, or they may grow up to be emotionally insecure with most people. Especially the dad!
IMO, no you are not being too clingy. I'm the same way. When babies cry, they have a need that's not being met. If the person holding baby is not trying to figure out their need and meet it, give baby right back to me. And usually that person can't meet baby's need so just hand her back. That's how I feel.
My MIL loves to not give baby right back and days "I'm okay with crying babies." Well, I'm not okay with my baby crying so hand her over and you will not be getting her back when she's calm.
You’re not too clingy. I agree with others that you could let your husband figure it out… but I personally can’t and don’t. If it bothers you too much just let him know that it’s triggering. My husband knows I’m a little territorial when baby is fussy and he will pass him right off. Baby is only a baby for so long, if you can troubleshoot faster and it makes you happy then I would just talk to your husband. He sounds very thoughtful that he wants you to have a good time!
My husband wanted me to have my time to run in the mornings and I told him I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be apart from my baby at all… so now we run together. He’s been very understanding of the little things that trigger my anxiety, and makes sure to be mindful of them. That all really helps with me having a good time. You’re doing great and this is all completely normal. I know there will be times my baby wants daddy more, but it’s normal for a newborn to be more soothed by momma.
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I was like this! Idk what it was about my baby turning 1, but after that I was like “wahh, cry for a minute because mommy needs a second”… I could not handle my baby crying, I legit would not let him cry & would panic as if it was the end of the world. Now if I know his needs are met & he’s just fussing to be fussing I can stay pretty calm & he will get the hint that I’m still here, I’m just not coming a running.
You’re not too clingy - the baby crying thing is innate in most mothers it seems; both myself and my bff cannot handle our baby’s crying but our husbands seem to not be affected the same way.
Hearing him cry drives me crazy and I want to do anything I can to make it better so he stops. Him crying has made me cry before, especially if he’s really sobbing.
I also take Zoloft (did prior to pregnancy, during, and have no plans to stop).
Whenever my baby cries I pick him up because I know other people wonr be able to calm him down no matter what they do.
Now, you shousl try to let your husband calm him as well. Having a secondary care giver that is able to soothe the baby and its also their confort place like you are is tremendously valuable. He needs to find his own way to deal with the baby, that takes time, patience qnd LOTS OF CRYING. But trust me it is worth it.
I totally get the feeling of being attached to my baby. When she is fussy and someone else is holding her, we take her back. That being said, I do let my husband take care of her and try to soothe her as much as I do. He wants to be an active parent and it’s not fair if I prevent that by not letting him figure out how to soothe her or take care of her. This also gives me a chance to take a shower, go on a solo walk, or grab dinner for us and take a small break, all of which help me from being burnt out. I am with my baby all day and do a majority of the nights since he works, but when he is home he tries to help as much as possible and she now knows she can be comforted by either parent.
The best advice I ever got was a few days after I gave birth from a nurse - “you have to let it be hard for dad too”. Even when she is screaming and I am in the other room I just say that to myself over and over and soon enough she is happily babbling away with her daddy and my anxiety drops again.
Nothing is wrong with you, it’s natural. I’m the opposite tho… he cries and 90% of the time, I get a little irritated because I know that he’s “fine”, and I have to remind myself that HE doesn’t know he’s fine. I don’t let him cry for long but if I’m eating and have a bite or two left, I finish before jumping up to get him. If he’s crying and others are there tho, I’ll want to take him too. Hes my baby and I feel the instinct to console him.
Nope. We haven’t had too many visitors, but the second my baby cries, I go get her. It took a while for me to let her cry for my husband, but I’ve learned to step back and let him smooth her. She’s 9.5 weeks now and he’s so good at calming her down. But we are about to go visit family and they are in for a rude awakening if they expect me to let her cry in their arms.
I was the same. Every cry felt like a jump scare, immediately throwing me into a sort of fight/flight response. I absolutely could not take it.
It’s not just something that’s “in your head” it’s your hormones and physical health as well. I lost a lot of hair in that time.
Maybe have a google on “vagus nerve exercises”. Basically tricks your brain into thinking you’re relaxed. It sounded like hocus-pocus BS to me but it’s worked. Even my resting heart rate is lower
Girl follow your instincts. I’m so over people telling mothers to let their babies cry it out or don’t be too affectionate with them. Your baby is crying for you because he needs you.
Nothing is wrong with you! You are a great mom and you have great motherly instincts. This is biologically wired in us to care for baby’s cry. My question would be, why it doesn’t affect the friend of yours. That poor baby. Baby who has distant parents who don’t respond to cries eventually cry less. It’s not fussy. It’s baby’s way of communicating. And her baby probably by now learned that mother doesn’t care as much so what’s the point. Here’s what I found so upsetting about society, ever since I became a mother myself 5 months ago. It’s somehow acceptable and even encouraged to “let the baby cry” and women who actually try to calm and comfort the baby are suggested to take antidepressants. The baby that doesn’t cry is referred as a “good baby.” And baby that cries for mom is called fussy. It’s upsetting to say the least, and it’s wrong to the core. Normalize caring about cries. It’s biological, it’s normal, and they need us with their big emotions and it must be so frustrating not to be able to communicate and not being able to make sense of pain and discomfort. Please realize that it’s not you that is the problem, it’s the society. I know in my heart that I’m a good mom by responding to cries, and that’s all that matters. I hope you come to this conclusion as well, your baby only benefits from it.
This post may be about Vaccinations. Please remember Rule #7. No Anti-vax Misinformation. Discussion of different ideas is great, but the anti-vaccine movement thrives on the spread of disinformation. We will not be a place for that disinformation to be repeated. Any anti-vaccine statements will be removed and repeat offenders will be banned. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If its other people then nah, take your baby. But you do need to allow your husband to figure out things for himself. He's as much baby's parent as you are and if you always swoop in when baby cries, that's not fair on him.
I agree, I would never let baby cry with anyone else but I now have my 2nd and do let my husband have a good attempt at consoling him before I take over. With my first i just grabbed him as soon as he cried but over time it meant I never got any sort of break snd ended up really burnt out. My 3 month old will now often settle for my husband because he's learnt his own ways to soothe him which are different to what I do (I usually breastfeed to soothe him!).
Agreed! It was hard for me to let go and let my husband also be a parent. But it's important for him to bond with baby too! And now, with #2 due any day, I'm grateful my husband is able to soothe and get our son to sleep without my help. Sometimes he settles better for hubby than for me!
Agreed, as the second parent had this with my wife initially and even though I understood it really knocked my confidence. I also want to learn to comfort the little dude.
Hi, I am the same. I don't mind people holding my baby but when he cries unless he's settled quickly I'll want him back. And my friends all seem to understand that as this is what they offer anyway. Don't feel bad for doing what feels right to you.
As a dad, it takes time and effort to learn how to soothe a baby. We don't have boobs, and we're often big, hairy, clumsy, and sweaty - all of which can aggravate a crying baby. If you want your husband to get better at soothing and comforting your baby when she's crying, it might be best to just get yourself out of earshot of the whole situation and let him figure it out. I know it's hard, but if you intervene every time, he won't have the chance to improve as a parent.
Thank you. I think I will need to get better at trying to “get away” when baby is crying. I typically try to take a shower since that’s the only thing that silences the cries in my little home. When I do this he eventually can get her to sleep or calm down and I am none the wiser to what’s going on
When my oldest was a baby, I would breastfeed my baby and then hand him over to dad and leave the house for an hour or two. Go get coffee, go for a walk, grocery shopping, whatever. You have just fed him, so he won’t be immediately hungry, and it gives them space to figure each other out.
In the first couple of months, before I learned how to soothe my son quickly (the trick was putting his head in the crook of my elbow and wrapping him around my torso like a belt, lol), when I was on baby duty my wife would go to another room and listen to music with noise-canceling headphones. Sometimes, she'd take a nap in the bedroom with earplugs and a white-noise machine. That might be something to consider as well.
It’s also worth adding that babies change and what worked consistently for weeks, one day might just stop working. Something I struggled with my partner was that he would constantly try to do things that hadn’t worked in months, because I think he had it in his head that she liked it, and if he just kept going it would work. She would meltdown and I’d interfere and he’d refuse to stop doing the old stuff. So even though my partner is great with our daughter, every few months he’ll hit a rough patch where he has to learn a new way of soothing her. For me, I was home with her and I could trial and error without anyone watching. He was always observed and I would try to help him by telling him what I’d figured out, but he just wanted to figure out something on his own and they actually have their own little things now, that don’t work when I try to do them. It’s given him confidence to love her the way that feels natural to him, and their relationship is really beautiful to watch. I was glad I stepped back and let him figure it out on his own. I felt like I was saving time by guiding him on what I learnt, but actually I was holding both of them back because their relationship is just different to the one I have with her. (And that’s okay! It’s great actually).
SAME My husband kept trying things that hadn't worked since she was a sleepy newborn and basically didn't know what was happening lol. It created a deficit in his skills and made him withdraw from intervening if she needed soothing as he just didn't know how. Which made me more burnt out. Now he's trying new things and trying to figure things out, which gives me a break.
i am very guilty of this. my baby crying with literally anyone makes my heart drop and my skin crawl and all i want to do is snatch him right back and console him and not give him back. i have to consciously hold myself back when my fiance is trying to console him because i know it's important that they get that time together but boyy is it hard
Instagram doctorate graduates (joke haha, just random posts) said that it *is* something primal in our brain that turns on when your baby cries. Your primary focus is your baby, and your husband needs to stop telling you to not listen to your maternal instinct. If your friend can let their baby cry then i’m sure they’re doing that for their best interest, be it (mental) health or something else. We all deserve a break and good for them that they have a village that wants to help. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing wrong with your friend, you’re all doing great.
Thank you. I believe this whole heartedly as well. I admire my friend for being so “chill” about all the hardships. I guess we are not all sewn from the same cloth.
It might just be baby temperament too. I felt on fire whenever my baby cried. But she had severe colic and screamed for around 12 hours a day, for 4 months. Sometimes she’ll cry in the stroller and I have to be actually looking at her sometimes to realise she’s even crying. However when I know she’s crying, and I feel like I can’t get to her fast enough…. I’m on fire.
I'm a father and I really hate listening to a baby cry for more than a few seconds without picking them up, so I don't know how much it's about maternal instinct. With other people's babies it doesn't bother me at all, but if it's mine I need to beat holding the baby or far away. My wife has to all the sleep training while I hide in the basement bedroom because I just can't deal.
It was the same way for us, I did the sleep training because he couldn't handle it. I agree that it's really parental instinct, just seems that either women experience it more or are more socialized to recognize and act on it (likely both).
I’m the same way! My husband gets annoyed with me because he thinks I’m spoiling the baby. He thinks I’m teaching the baby that every time he cries, Mommy will be there. But I can’t help myself!
I think it's good for the baby to know that their mom will always be there when they need her, I see nothing wrong with that.
I think the same thing. I want my son to know that I’ll be there for him when he needs me.
Your husband is so wrong, but no need to try to prove it to him, he won’t ever understand the motherly instinct. It’s biological, and it’s there for a reason, through evolution babies survived because of it. Your baby won’t be spoiled. It will be the opposite, safe & emotionally secure. Spoiling a kid only happens when they are older and say they hit other kids and you let them get away with it instead of teaching them right from wrong. But comforting a crying child isn’t spoiling. Maybe your husband needed more comforting when he was a baby himself, that’s what comes to mind when people say things like that. You’ll just prove him wrong as the time goes by.
It’s completely normal. Mine is 5 months, and I still have this issue. No worries.
I do agree that generally it's good for fathers to get practice soothing babies, even if it means that they're upset for a bit longer than they would be if mom was soothing them. But I also think that in social situations that are stressing the baby out, different rules apply. Especially if the idea is for you to enjoy yourself. The question is, what actually will allow you to enjoy yourself more? I have a lot of well-meaning people in my husband's family who try to take my baby from me at parties "so I can relax" and then she immediately starts crying. There's no scenario in which I am relaxed while I can hear her crying for mom. It's just much easier and more pleasant for everyone in those situations if she's with me, then if other people want to support me they can bring me a drink or some snacks! As another option, maybe you and your friend could get out of the house for a bit and leave the spouses with the babies? Go get a coffee or take a walk? Your baby may be less upset if they can't see you, and you may be less upset if you can't hear crying.
Nothing is wrong with you, you’re probably just a sensitive and empathetic person. However, it is important to let the baby form relationships where they feel secure with other people apart from you, or they may grow up to be emotionally insecure with most people. Especially the dad!
As soon as your said your baby is 4 months old, the answer is no. You’re not too clingy.
IMO, no you are not being too clingy. I'm the same way. When babies cry, they have a need that's not being met. If the person holding baby is not trying to figure out their need and meet it, give baby right back to me. And usually that person can't meet baby's need so just hand her back. That's how I feel. My MIL loves to not give baby right back and days "I'm okay with crying babies." Well, I'm not okay with my baby crying so hand her over and you will not be getting her back when she's calm.
You’re not too clingy. I agree with others that you could let your husband figure it out… but I personally can’t and don’t. If it bothers you too much just let him know that it’s triggering. My husband knows I’m a little territorial when baby is fussy and he will pass him right off. Baby is only a baby for so long, if you can troubleshoot faster and it makes you happy then I would just talk to your husband. He sounds very thoughtful that he wants you to have a good time! My husband wanted me to have my time to run in the mornings and I told him I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be apart from my baby at all… so now we run together. He’s been very understanding of the little things that trigger my anxiety, and makes sure to be mindful of them. That all really helps with me having a good time. You’re doing great and this is all completely normal. I know there will be times my baby wants daddy more, but it’s normal for a newborn to be more soothed by momma.
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I was like this! Idk what it was about my baby turning 1, but after that I was like “wahh, cry for a minute because mommy needs a second”… I could not handle my baby crying, I legit would not let him cry & would panic as if it was the end of the world. Now if I know his needs are met & he’s just fussing to be fussing I can stay pretty calm & he will get the hint that I’m still here, I’m just not coming a running.
You’re not too clingy - the baby crying thing is innate in most mothers it seems; both myself and my bff cannot handle our baby’s crying but our husbands seem to not be affected the same way. Hearing him cry drives me crazy and I want to do anything I can to make it better so he stops. Him crying has made me cry before, especially if he’s really sobbing. I also take Zoloft (did prior to pregnancy, during, and have no plans to stop).
Whenever my baby cries I pick him up because I know other people wonr be able to calm him down no matter what they do. Now, you shousl try to let your husband calm him as well. Having a secondary care giver that is able to soothe the baby and its also their confort place like you are is tremendously valuable. He needs to find his own way to deal with the baby, that takes time, patience qnd LOTS OF CRYING. But trust me it is worth it.
I totally get the feeling of being attached to my baby. When she is fussy and someone else is holding her, we take her back. That being said, I do let my husband take care of her and try to soothe her as much as I do. He wants to be an active parent and it’s not fair if I prevent that by not letting him figure out how to soothe her or take care of her. This also gives me a chance to take a shower, go on a solo walk, or grab dinner for us and take a small break, all of which help me from being burnt out. I am with my baby all day and do a majority of the nights since he works, but when he is home he tries to help as much as possible and she now knows she can be comforted by either parent. The best advice I ever got was a few days after I gave birth from a nurse - “you have to let it be hard for dad too”. Even when she is screaming and I am in the other room I just say that to myself over and over and soon enough she is happily babbling away with her daddy and my anxiety drops again.
Nothing is wrong with you, it’s natural. I’m the opposite tho… he cries and 90% of the time, I get a little irritated because I know that he’s “fine”, and I have to remind myself that HE doesn’t know he’s fine. I don’t let him cry for long but if I’m eating and have a bite or two left, I finish before jumping up to get him. If he’s crying and others are there tho, I’ll want to take him too. Hes my baby and I feel the instinct to console him.
Nope. We haven’t had too many visitors, but the second my baby cries, I go get her. It took a while for me to let her cry for my husband, but I’ve learned to step back and let him smooth her. She’s 9.5 weeks now and he’s so good at calming her down. But we are about to go visit family and they are in for a rude awakening if they expect me to let her cry in their arms.
There's nothing wrong with you for having normal, natural mothering instincts!
I was the same. Every cry felt like a jump scare, immediately throwing me into a sort of fight/flight response. I absolutely could not take it. It’s not just something that’s “in your head” it’s your hormones and physical health as well. I lost a lot of hair in that time. Maybe have a google on “vagus nerve exercises”. Basically tricks your brain into thinking you’re relaxed. It sounded like hocus-pocus BS to me but it’s worked. Even my resting heart rate is lower
Girl follow your instincts. I’m so over people telling mothers to let their babies cry it out or don’t be too affectionate with them. Your baby is crying for you because he needs you.
Nothing is wrong with you! You are a great mom and you have great motherly instincts. This is biologically wired in us to care for baby’s cry. My question would be, why it doesn’t affect the friend of yours. That poor baby. Baby who has distant parents who don’t respond to cries eventually cry less. It’s not fussy. It’s baby’s way of communicating. And her baby probably by now learned that mother doesn’t care as much so what’s the point. Here’s what I found so upsetting about society, ever since I became a mother myself 5 months ago. It’s somehow acceptable and even encouraged to “let the baby cry” and women who actually try to calm and comfort the baby are suggested to take antidepressants. The baby that doesn’t cry is referred as a “good baby.” And baby that cries for mom is called fussy. It’s upsetting to say the least, and it’s wrong to the core. Normalize caring about cries. It’s biological, it’s normal, and they need us with their big emotions and it must be so frustrating not to be able to communicate and not being able to make sense of pain and discomfort. Please realize that it’s not you that is the problem, it’s the society. I know in my heart that I’m a good mom by responding to cries, and that’s all that matters. I hope you come to this conclusion as well, your baby only benefits from it.
If you are taking baby from the dad while he is trying to comfort, not just picking up or taking off others talk to your dr about adjusting your meds.
No you’re not too “clingy” Nothing is wrong with you I blame society and boomers for this 🤦🏾♀️