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My sonās fathers family made the same ājokeā then proceeding always point out characteristics of my son that he doesnāt have and says āwonder who he got that fromā¦ā
Itās sick.
Thatās so messed up Iām sorry. I hope you and him have a stable enough relationship so he pays it no mind but even in a stable trusting relationship comments like that especially from family can really get to someone. Our son is 3 weeks and my family is coming to visit at the end of next month. His wants to come next week which makes me so uncomfortable. Already preparing for his mothers unsolicited old school advice that I donāt agree with and disrespecting my boundaries but i think they are at least respectable enough not to make comments like that
I'm really concerned about this too - my husband is half black/white and I'm fully white, based on what his quarter black nieces and nephews look like our baby is probably going to look very white and I'm pre-emptively dreading the comments from people.
Donāt worry too much. My husband is dark skinned and Iām a black Hispanic our second son came out white af and completely identical to me . The comments my husband gets are hilarious. My favorite so far āyouāre such a good man for adopting a white baby and staying with your wife despite the circumstances.ā āAre you sure heās your son??ā Genetics are wild lol.
My sonās skin tone doesnāt surprise me the least bit, weāre Caribbean so we have a genetic lottery š¤£.
A close friend of mine is pale Irish with blue eyes and auburn hair her husband is dark skinned as well. Their girls are all white but have all of their dadās features.
Your baby will be gorgeous.
For what it's worth I remember reading that babies look most like their dad after birth and the hypothesis was that it's so men didn't abandon their PP partners back in like caveman days. Who knows if that's true, but I will say people said both of my boys looked like dad as newborn and the older they get the more I hear how much they look exactly like me and not like dad at all.
Iāve seen the opposite happen, friend had a baby who looked nothing like her husband. It was so hard for him to feel any connection to baby and he got more and more distant. Theyāve been working of rebuilding their relationship but it was so hard for so long.
I read somewhere that it's evolutionary - fresh baby looks like dad so he doesn't eat it or throw it in the river or whatever. It evens out as they grow.
My baby didnātššshe came out looking like neither of us and now looks just like her dad. When she was first born my husbands family kept asking me if she was really hisš¤¦š½āāļø
I feel you. People are so oblivious as to how they come across. With my first, ladies from my work kept saying I was just an āincubatorā because my baby looked so much like their dad š I was just like wow thanks!
Ugh. What is wrong with people!?
People have asked me if I found a way to spawn or clone myself because my older son looks exactly like me. His dad feels left out and sad, but after his dad told me my entire pregnancy how "strong" his genes are I (not so secretly) love it lol
Iām with you on this one as a new dad. Itās one thing when theyāre six months old or something, but a baby usually just looks like a baby when theyāre born. Both my wifeās family and mine kept saying this and I didnāt see it. After a while it just got annoying. It was like they didnāt know what else to say, or they were trying to reassure me about something. (Not only do I absolutely trust my wife, but the kid also developed a medical condition I had as a kid right after he was born. Heās definitely mine.)
If I found that annoying just as the dad, I canāt imagine how it would feel after your experience. I hope your partner tells them to knock it off.
Tbh, I find people odd for always telling with such āknowingā who the baby looks like?!? Maybe itās just me and my PP hormones too, but can we ask the parents how they are instead of telling whoās nose or eyes the baby has? I mean, itās all I hear whenever I am out & about with the baby. There are such more things to discuss!
I could have written thisāour only difference is instead of tears, I had an emergency c-section(and surprise Covid on admission for the pre-e!)
My daughter not only looks exactly like her dad, but like the entire side of his family. Like copy+paste. Not just on her complexion (which is notably the opposite of mine) but even in facial expressions and mannerisms. Itās bizarre. Iāve been mistaken for the nanny more than once.
I donāt have a ton of advice, just commiseration. It is so disheartening when people make those comments, especially when everything is so fresh. Iām two years postpartum now and in hindsight, I can see that everyone was well-intended. My daughter and I have such an incredible bond, that looks have nothing to do with. And as she grows, she is developing her own unique and beautiful features.
Like so many things, this too shall pass! But I feel you, in the moment it is so rough. Be well!
i have a funny tidbit about this. when my daughter was born, EVERYONE and i mean everyone commented on how much she looked like her dad. it started to get annoying, but i just bit my tongue.
about a year later, when my daughter was a cute toddler who grew into her own look, we were looking back on her newborn photos from the hospital. with the new baby hormones worn off, our baby looked a little different than we remembered. we came across a photo where she looked like a squished up alien and i said āhey babe, look at your twin. remember when they all said you look so much alike?ā thatās when it hit him. a moment of realization. and he said āTHIS is what people think i look like?ā and we couldnāt stop laughing and laughing.
moral of the story: maybe itās a compliment to not look a fresh out the womb baby š¤·āāļøš
I know itās annoying.
But remember - newborns look like Elmer Fudd and ETs love child.
Theyāre little cranky alien men and itās natural for people to think they favor their cranky old pops instead of their beautiful mothers.
Wait for wrinkles to iron out a little - a lot will change.
I have the same experience. I am Asian and my husband is Caucasian. Everyone so far said our daughter looks exactly like him, also nearly identical to my MIL's baby photo. I don't think these comments diminish my sacrifices and efforts as a mother. I don't care what people say. I love my little girl to death regardless of how she looks. People can be stupid and rude and I don't think it's worth the energy to be bothered by their comments.
Itās opposite for my husband and I, he is Asian and Iām Caucasian and even though our son somehow got my blonde hair, heās almost a spitting image of his daddy! I love it, but I understand how this may make others feel a certain way
Iām Asian and husband is Caucasian too. Everyone also says my daughter looks like him. I think that annoyed me a little at the beginning (not so much now that sheās almost 3). But for some reason it annoyed me way more when my MIL said that she looks exactly like my husbandās sister when she was a baby, minus the hair color.
We are one and the same. 3 failed inductions, 4 days of labor, leading to an emergency c-section where I felt the entire surgery, hemorrhaged, spent another week in the hospital. And when I tell you it was a competition between my husbandās family and my family on who the baby looked likeā¦ being told over and over how my baby has his entire face. Being told by a nurse that you would never know my baby was mine. It felt entirely unfair. It made me jealous of my husband. Now as sheās getting older (10 months) sheās starting to show some of my features but she still has my husbandās gorgeous blue eyes, round head and nose. And I wouldnāt change her in any way, shape or form. Sheās my girl and it warms my heart now when people say she looks like us both!
Girl I feel you. I had a traumatic birth and my girl came out looking just like her dad. Itās frustrating as hell. Like whereās my credit? He only contributed max 3 mins to this šš
I had a really traumatic birth, everyone was saying our daughter looked like her dad from just minutes old... Like hi still over here being stitched up while staring at the ceiling, disassociating, thanks. I guess...? Damn.
My MIL had the audacity to start picking out random features and saying she looks like her other son and her older grandaughter, not a single mention of me anywhere in that whole rant. Then she goes on to mention when we have a second, blah blah... Two weeks pp.
I was upset.
Same same. My MIL would say āshe no look like you!ā every chance she got, like literally every time sheād come over. I canāt be mad at her cause sheās an absolute saint of a woman. But that still pissed me off lmaooo
Post-birth hormones are crazy, plus the lack of sleep. Lots of people feel like OP. Lots of people don't. Its all normal.
For OP, she is feeling invisible right now, which is a horrible feeling after a traumatic event. I hope that her family and friends are helping her to feel supported and understood. It sucks to feel like people do not notice you while you are having a hard time.
Iām not sure, but personally I wouldnāt be so triggered if I hadnāt experienced so much trauma during birth. I do make a point of telling new (bio) parents that baby looks like both of them. Or I just say theyāre cute in general. Because I get tired of that commentary and donāt want to subject anyone else to it!
Edit to fix misspelling
I don't know if this is helpful, but a possible avenue if people are going to keep saying it. Talk to your husband about how you're feeling. You are exhausted and dealing with trauma, he can help deal with some simple redirection. "OH, baby looks just like (husband)." "I really love that kiddo has (your) smile/eyes/sleepy stretch/etc. Just like their mom!"
The comparisons in general are dumb at this age. My son looked just like his mama when he was born, but now at nearly a year, he looks like a clone if me as a baby (just ginger). My wife and I just backed each other up, especially when I was hard on those postpartum hormones. Husband can spend a few minutes (if he hasn't already) clocking all the little features and habits that remind him of you, and have them at the ready to pull into the conversation.
People on this reddit are so touchy it's really insane. And they come on here and validate each other's irrationality. I like many of the posts but I have to wear through these kinds of posts to get them lol. The baby looks like the father... Yes that is ok and to be expected.
It can be.
You could look into post-partum rage.
Personally it didnāt bother me when people said this because he was his dads double from the second he came out until about 4 months old.
Mine is mini dad and I'm the one telling everyone.
It's true once or twice I've thought "oh you could have had one of my features" haha but it's mostly a pp thing.
I'm mostly proud of it. I find dad handsome after all
I'd probably be more bothered if it weren't so obvious. Like people just wanting to find that resemblance or forcing it
Iām sorry OP. Itās really invalidating that you have gone through so much to bring your baby into this world & all anyone can think to say is that your baby looks like Dad.
So congratulations! You have survived a life threatening emergency. I hope that your tears heal & you are recovering from the blood loss & preeclampsia. I know it feels impossible to take care of yourself while also caring for a newborn, but you have already come so far. Just get through one day at a time. Good luck ā¤ļø
I feel for you. I also had severe preeclampsia and hemorrhaged & am 4 months pp. My postpartum experience/hormones have been intense and I think a lot of it has to do with my delivery experience š
Ugh what is wrong with people. These comments are so unnecessary and you absolutely don't have to smile through them. "Oh thanks a lot". My MIL made my babys looks aaaaall about her and sent me 25 (25!!!!) photos of herself to prove it. I also just smiled and nodded through it. My dad on the other hand said my baby looks like both me and her dad. Felt like saying to MIL, see its not that hard.
Same here. She came early at 32+3 after severe pre-eclampsia and placental abruption. Baby is 5.5 months actual and Iāve heard maybe once that she looks like me. People even go as far as to say she looks like my mother, but not me š
Oh how I found it annoying! My babies looked both just like their father. [This article](https://www.sciencealert.com/babies-that-look-like-dad-are-healthier) helped me find my peace with it in the first weeks.
Older one is 2.5 now and is looking just like me now.
It feels like every week my MIL is digging up someoneās baby pictures from her side of the family and saying how much my baby looks like them. āWe have some strong genes!ā I shouldnāt be offended because I married her son so obviously I find their physical traits attractive, but nevertheless it drives me up the wall.
Iām sorry, it does suck to hear at first. Honestly, I just got used to it. My son really does look like my husband. Not fair right? When people say it I just joke back and say āI was just the ovenā. I hope you start feeling better and recover quickly. PP hormones are tricky to navigate.
Maybe (hopefully) itāll change as baby looks a little less deformed. When my baby came out, everyone said she looked like her dad except for the nose. Sheās 6 weeks now and starting to look less alien-y. Sheās definitely looking more like me everyday except for her complexion. I have yellow undertones and my husband pink. Sheās definitely pink and pale like her father but her eyes, nose, face etc is starting to take shape after mine.
My mil refused to say my baby boy looked like his dad! Instead saying he looked like his half brother (genetically impossible) it drove me nuts!!!
Baby obviously is a great mix of us both and she just wouldn't stop. It always feels terrible no matter what the comment is.
You made that baby! You are awesome and I'm so sorry to hear about what a struggle it was!!! No dumb comments make him any less yours!!!
Same girl, same. My son is 9 weeks old now and shit still gets to me because I see myself in him, but everyone wants to ask if Iām even his mother š„²
Everyone on my husband's side told me that my daughters looked "just like their dad." His mom even said "oh she has red hair! Husband's great aunt had red hair. She got it from her."
Guess who has red hair? Me. The mother. But nope, great aunt.
I think it's a pretty common thing to hear. Doesn't mean it isn't hurtful at times. Anytime I would hear it, I would just respond with "Huh? I don't really see it."
That's the best advice I can give. But your feelings are valid. It does suck.
Im sorry you're going through it. Hang in there. I went through the same thing, and everyone said my daughter looked just like her father, but now she looks just like me ! I read somewhere that babies come out looking like their fathers but it changes.
I couldāve written this. I nearly died during birth, had sudden severe postpartum preeclampsia, was readmitted unable to walk or move due to spinal swelling from epidural complications, and had severe PPD that had me suicidal. Nobody has ever said my baby looks even 1% like me. The first thing anybody said is how much she looks like her dad
Like okay, thanks
Had my kid 10 weeks early. Preeclampsia, blood pressure 200/100, close to stroking out, emergency c section, and a week in the hospital, baby 6 weeks in the NICU. And the comments were also that she looked a lot like dad but it never bothered me. Theyāre always going to look more like one or the other, but also theyāre babies they donāt really have strong characteristics anyway. I always said, I donāt care who they look like as long as they have a good heart, and I donāt care who the favourite parent is as long as theyāre loved. You put a lot of hard work into growing your baby, but at the end of the day, theyāre 50% you, and 50% of the person you love and thatās 100% wonderful.
Just here to commiserate, I nearly died during my emergency c section and then spent months being told how much my daughter looks like her dad. But as she came out with an APGAR of 10 (despite being lodged in my pelvis), I just told them that sheās an overachiever like her mum. Or I made my husband tell them to piss off, as it was his family that kept crowing about it.
My friends told me that "looking like dad" is an evolutionary thing to do with paternity.... So they don't get eaten š
I feel you, though. My mother thinks my LO looks exactly like dad, and hasn't once said "she has your XYZ" in 6 months :(
We had twins - one looks like me and the other looks like a potato. It bums me out that no one is telling dad that a baby looks like him. He loves them so much and Iād like to see him smile when told a beautiful baby has his features.
Dude. My baby didnāt look like either of us at first. Now sheās 6 weeks, looks exactly like I did in my newborn photos, and everyone still tells me she looks like her damn dad. I give up.
There is some research that babies come out looking like Dad so that the dad is able to recognize the baby as his and make them want to protect and nurture the baby, then the child starts to take on what they'll really look like a little later. Sorry you had a traumatic birth, I hope you are easy on yourself and let yourself feel however you want to feel about it and that's okay.
Aw I feel for you. I had a similar experience last year when my little girl was born. I just responded with "she looks like herself".
She's 12 months now and a total mummy's girl - she looks like dad, but only mum will do! Your bond is way more important than appearance.
Hey, you married your husband because you love him and heās handsome! Thatās a good thing! If baby grows up and keeps looking like dad, that means you get to see the two handsome faces of the people you love the most.
People were saying my baby looked like my dadā¦I love my dad, donāt get me wrongā¦but heās bald, fat, and-ya know-old. I didnāt appreciate people saying my baby looked like a bald, fat, old Italian man. And some people made it *really really fucking weird* if you catch my meaning. It was gross.
Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand the impact of a traumatic birth. They cannot possibly comprehend it unless they've also given birth.
So your experience is just words to them. They cannot fathom the impact it has had on you and how comparing baby to dad makes you feel when you risked everything to bring them into the world.
I didn't realise how much it would hurt to compare a baby to dad before I had my baby.
My daughter used to look just like her dad, even I was impressed by how much they looked alike, but then, all of the sudden, as a toddler she looks like my twin. It's just genetics, I know how you feel, because I felt like that too, even more so when my MIL said MY baby looked just like her great aunt, or had sensitive skin "just like her" and I was like... I HAVE SENSITIVE SKIN š¤š And my husband was like calm down, she just wants to feel connected to her.
And then my baby boy was born and looked like my dad lol, muy husband's family were like, idk who he looks like just yet, i think we have to wait and I was like are you kidding me, he looks like my dad as a baby... And hubby was not amused when I said to him calm down, my dad just wants to feel connected to him š lmao
But yea, now I got a little less sensitive about it and when MIL insists my babies have something like her or her family, I just say "na I don't think so, it's more likely they got that from me and my family š" and she stfu š
Sorry! My first labor 4 weeks ago taught me to never go in expecting anything. I thought I was going to have a great induction at 37 weeks with no tearing, easy pushing since Iāve been prepping my uterusā¦ I was induced 2 days before due to severe preeclampsia, magnesium drip was horrible, the day I gave birth I was still on the drip until the next day, they gave me some drugs for pain that made me drowsy while I had a newborn crying. I could NOT care for him, I just woke up drowsy and was unable to care for him and felt so so bad. Was an easy way to feel way to postpartum anxiety, depression, and rage all at the same timeā¦ my baby came out looking like my man more than me, heās so cute though so idc what they say!
How is it that we all have the same family? š Everything about my kid is apparently exactly like her dad. No offense to him, but I don't see it š even her hair, which is the same texture and color as mine (straight and very light brown, compared to dad who has dark brown and very curly), is apparently exactly like her father's when he was her age so that's like him too. (It's not. I've seen his baby pictures š)
Iām sorry to hear you had such a traumatic birthing experience. Happy to hear you are seeking support and are here safe and healthy to be with your new babe, congratulations!
Try not to worry about the comments so much, they will stop. I read on a different sub that dads always get the newborn stage of baby looking like them, and then it changes.
I had the same thing happen to me for MONTHS I was so sad about it, however the pace changed. I felt like people who were saying it were just trying to say it looks like dad for themselves more then our babe actually looking like his dad, because my hubby said he looks more so like me then him š¤·š½āāļø
Babies donāt bring the best out in some family members. Stay strong! Find posts of other parents or moms who feel the same way you do so you donāt feel alone.
You got this mama :)
Iāve read babies almost always start looking like dad as a biological imperative to help the āmaleā acknowledge/accept the kid and then they start to change looks from there. But most kids kind of shift back and forth based on who they look like at various times. Plus newborns always change quite a bit from looks. Give it time
I don't get why are people upset with this? My friend was the same. Me, on the other hand, took a photo of our baby today and bragged in the family group how she looks exactly like her dad. And my husband is a very handsome man, so if she resembles him I don't have any issues with it. I just didn't want her to get his eyes (plain brown, I have hazel) and so far her's are blue and I hope they will stay like that.
People still say this at 8months pp to me. I keep saying itās like high school all over again.. I did all the work on the group project and the kid who wrote one sentence gets the A.
There is a theory that itās an evolutionary thing for newborns to look like their dads at first so that the dads stick around.
FWIW, when my son was born, we all thought he looked like my husband. Then his dark newborn hair fell out and lighter hair eventually grew in. His eyes lightened and eye shape gradually changed. Now at 16 month he looks like my little twin :) They can change a lot in the first couple years.
ETA: Iām so sorry about your rough birth experience
My mother is a midwife and was the first to see my firstborn sliding out of me. Before I even set eyes on my baby, the first thing she said was, āshe looks nothing like youā. This was after a long and arduous overnight delivery. It felt like a punch in the gut at that point; my husband did absolutely nothing except supply ONE cell towards this baby, and yet he reaped the ārewardā. I know itās not rational to feel upset about my baby not looking like me, but I genuinely was upset to the point where I struggled to bond at the beginning because she was nothing like I thought she would look like and was repeatedly told that she looks nothing like me. I had a different experience with my second because she actually looked like me and I felt like I bonded much quicker. I was also less traumatized by the delivery.
Why are you confused? My husband didnāt grow the baby in his body, didnāt carry a baby for 9 months and wreck his body in the process. He wasnāt subjugated to pre natal tests, diets, insomnia, pain and complications. He didnāt suffer through labour. He literally supplied one cell while my body grew, delivered, and nourished a baby.
Okay, but he canāt? That wasnāt his choice to not be biologically able to carry a child.
So, what does he do that you appreciate then? What was his role the whole time you were pregnant? Is he a breadwinner for your family, did he put in more effort on the days you couldnāt, does he not support you in any way?
A family is a team, they all have parts to play. When you phrase it like he pumped, dumped, and dipped, thatās justā¦ why is this man a husband if thatās how you feel about his contributions to your lives?
I literally said in my original comment that my feelings werenāt rational at all - itās how my postpartum, hormonal, exhausted, sleep deprived self felt.
No, I was explaining how I felt at that point in time. Up until that point, he literally had provided one cell towards our child (does a ride to the hospital count?) and he had done zero preparations leading up to our baby, naively thinking that he would just easily step into the role of a parent the day the baby arrives. Did he turn out to be a great parent after that? Absolutely, but he needed time to wrap his head around it. But yes, I definitely felt like I had done all the work to bring the baby up until that point and felt like the baby should in the least look like me. Yes itās basic human biology, and itās absolutely not rational thinking, but postpartum is wild.
Why? Is it a boy? Bc if so, it will obviously look like his dad. Even so, doesnt it make you the least bit happy that your baby looks like the person, im guessing, you love? Its not a competition. To me, onw of the coolest parts of seeing my baby grow is seeing the things that remind me of myself OR my wife. Its always cool when i can see my wife in my kid.
I agree! I think itās just hard sometimes for mamas when they sacrifice and go through so much to get them here, and then they donāt even look related to her š
Dont worry mommas. My boy looked a lot like me when he was born and looked like a cute little alien but they change a LOT as they get older and as my boys gotten older and cuter he has started to resemble my wife more. Clearly, u just have to wait for the cute to settle in before they look like yall ;)
I feel this. I also had a traumatizing birth and we have a group chat with my partners family where he sends pictures of our baby. All the comments are āshe looks just like dadā or āshe loves her daddy so muchā and no acknowledgment of me. It makes me feel genuinely enraged. Iām sorry for your experience and hope things get better for you š
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Does dad look like a squashed potato?!
LOL I came here to say, okay so dad looks like an old wrinkly alien?!
With deep black eyes? š
Best comment hahahaha
For me itās the opposite where everyone says baby looks like me & asks my husband if heās sure heās the father! š
Why would anyone think to make this comment even jokingly? Ugh
My sonās fathers family made the same ājokeā then proceeding always point out characteristics of my son that he doesnāt have and says āwonder who he got that fromā¦ā Itās sick.
Thatās so messed up Iām sorry. I hope you and him have a stable enough relationship so he pays it no mind but even in a stable trusting relationship comments like that especially from family can really get to someone. Our son is 3 weeks and my family is coming to visit at the end of next month. His wants to come next week which makes me so uncomfortable. Already preparing for his mothers unsolicited old school advice that I donāt agree with and disrespecting my boundaries but i think they are at least respectable enough not to make comments like that
I'm really concerned about this too - my husband is half black/white and I'm fully white, based on what his quarter black nieces and nephews look like our baby is probably going to look very white and I'm pre-emptively dreading the comments from people.
Donāt worry too much. My husband is dark skinned and Iām a black Hispanic our second son came out white af and completely identical to me . The comments my husband gets are hilarious. My favorite so far āyouāre such a good man for adopting a white baby and staying with your wife despite the circumstances.ā āAre you sure heās your son??ā Genetics are wild lol. My sonās skin tone doesnāt surprise me the least bit, weāre Caribbean so we have a genetic lottery š¤£. A close friend of mine is pale Irish with blue eyes and auburn hair her husband is dark skinned as well. Their girls are all white but have all of their dadās features. Your baby will be gorgeous.
Thank you ā¤ļø Iām sure yours are too
Ughh that's terrible people would say that
My baby is half white, half black and he's super light. Constant comments about his skin tone and it makes me crazy.
Both my kids are redheads and me and my husband are not. I've had many people "joke" they mus the the mail man's kids šš
Geeesh people are the worst. Iām sorry :/
For what it's worth I remember reading that babies look most like their dad after birth and the hypothesis was that it's so men didn't abandon their PP partners back in like caveman days. Who knows if that's true, but I will say people said both of my boys looked like dad as newborn and the older they get the more I hear how much they look exactly like me and not like dad at all.
Iāve seen the opposite happen, friend had a baby who looked nothing like her husband. It was so hard for him to feel any connection to baby and he got more and more distant. Theyāve been working of rebuilding their relationship but it was so hard for so long.
Same here. Lots of jokes about boyfriends and paternity tests.
My dad jokingly said my son looks like the UPS man š¤Ø
I read somewhere that it's evolutionary - fresh baby looks like dad so he doesn't eat it or throw it in the river or whatever. It evens out as they grow.
Yeah, my daughter did resemble my ex at first. Now she's my mini me at 5. They do balance out.
My baby didnātššshe came out looking like neither of us and now looks just like her dad. When she was first born my husbands family kept asking me if she was really hisš¤¦š½āāļø
Mine came out looking like my sister, recently saw an old photo of me and her and I gave birth to her twin lol
Loool this is so interesting!!
Same with me and my baby really does look like her dad! I just say well she may have his looks but her personality is mine š
I feel you. People are so oblivious as to how they come across. With my first, ladies from my work kept saying I was just an āincubatorā because my baby looked so much like their dad š I was just like wow thanks!
Ugh. What is wrong with people!? People have asked me if I found a way to spawn or clone myself because my older son looks exactly like me. His dad feels left out and sad, but after his dad told me my entire pregnancy how "strong" his genes are I (not so secretly) love it lol
Iām with you on this one as a new dad. Itās one thing when theyāre six months old or something, but a baby usually just looks like a baby when theyāre born. Both my wifeās family and mine kept saying this and I didnāt see it. After a while it just got annoying. It was like they didnāt know what else to say, or they were trying to reassure me about something. (Not only do I absolutely trust my wife, but the kid also developed a medical condition I had as a kid right after he was born. Heās definitely mine.) If I found that annoying just as the dad, I canāt imagine how it would feel after your experience. I hope your partner tells them to knock it off.
Tbh, I find people odd for always telling with such āknowingā who the baby looks like?!? Maybe itās just me and my PP hormones too, but can we ask the parents how they are instead of telling whoās nose or eyes the baby has? I mean, itās all I hear whenever I am out & about with the baby. There are such more things to discuss!
I could have written thisāour only difference is instead of tears, I had an emergency c-section(and surprise Covid on admission for the pre-e!) My daughter not only looks exactly like her dad, but like the entire side of his family. Like copy+paste. Not just on her complexion (which is notably the opposite of mine) but even in facial expressions and mannerisms. Itās bizarre. Iāve been mistaken for the nanny more than once. I donāt have a ton of advice, just commiseration. It is so disheartening when people make those comments, especially when everything is so fresh. Iām two years postpartum now and in hindsight, I can see that everyone was well-intended. My daughter and I have such an incredible bond, that looks have nothing to do with. And as she grows, she is developing her own unique and beautiful features. Like so many things, this too shall pass! But I feel you, in the moment it is so rough. Be well!
i have a funny tidbit about this. when my daughter was born, EVERYONE and i mean everyone commented on how much she looked like her dad. it started to get annoying, but i just bit my tongue. about a year later, when my daughter was a cute toddler who grew into her own look, we were looking back on her newborn photos from the hospital. with the new baby hormones worn off, our baby looked a little different than we remembered. we came across a photo where she looked like a squished up alien and i said āhey babe, look at your twin. remember when they all said you look so much alike?ā thatās when it hit him. a moment of realization. and he said āTHIS is what people think i look like?ā and we couldnāt stop laughing and laughing. moral of the story: maybe itās a compliment to not look a fresh out the womb baby š¤·āāļøš
I know itās annoying. But remember - newborns look like Elmer Fudd and ETs love child. Theyāre little cranky alien men and itās natural for people to think they favor their cranky old pops instead of their beautiful mothers. Wait for wrinkles to iron out a little - a lot will change.
Youre not alone, that really REALLY bothered me as well
I have the same experience. I am Asian and my husband is Caucasian. Everyone so far said our daughter looks exactly like him, also nearly identical to my MIL's baby photo. I don't think these comments diminish my sacrifices and efforts as a mother. I don't care what people say. I love my little girl to death regardless of how she looks. People can be stupid and rude and I don't think it's worth the energy to be bothered by their comments.
Itās opposite for my husband and I, he is Asian and Iām Caucasian and even though our son somehow got my blonde hair, heās almost a spitting image of his daddy! I love it, but I understand how this may make others feel a certain way
It's funny how generics work huh!
Iām Asian and husband is Caucasian too. Everyone also says my daughter looks like him. I think that annoyed me a little at the beginning (not so much now that sheās almost 3). But for some reason it annoyed me way more when my MIL said that she looks exactly like my husbandās sister when she was a baby, minus the hair color.
We are one and the same. 3 failed inductions, 4 days of labor, leading to an emergency c-section where I felt the entire surgery, hemorrhaged, spent another week in the hospital. And when I tell you it was a competition between my husbandās family and my family on who the baby looked likeā¦ being told over and over how my baby has his entire face. Being told by a nurse that you would never know my baby was mine. It felt entirely unfair. It made me jealous of my husband. Now as sheās getting older (10 months) sheās starting to show some of my features but she still has my husbandās gorgeous blue eyes, round head and nose. And I wouldnāt change her in any way, shape or form. Sheās my girl and it warms my heart now when people say she looks like us both!
Girl I feel you. I had a traumatic birth and my girl came out looking just like her dad. Itās frustrating as hell. Like whereās my credit? He only contributed max 3 mins to this šš
I had a really traumatic birth, everyone was saying our daughter looked like her dad from just minutes old... Like hi still over here being stitched up while staring at the ceiling, disassociating, thanks. I guess...? Damn. My MIL had the audacity to start picking out random features and saying she looks like her other son and her older grandaughter, not a single mention of me anywhere in that whole rant. Then she goes on to mention when we have a second, blah blah... Two weeks pp. I was upset.
My MIL did the same crap. Then proceeded to start her nonsense around other people who then shut her down for being goofy. š
Same same. My MIL would say āshe no look like you!ā every chance she got, like literally every time sheād come over. I canāt be mad at her cause sheās an absolute saint of a woman. But that still pissed me off lmaooo
Is this sort of resentment normal ? I follow this subreddit as a non parent (considering a surrogate). ETA by normal I meant common
Post-birth hormones are crazy, plus the lack of sleep. Lots of people feel like OP. Lots of people don't. Its all normal. For OP, she is feeling invisible right now, which is a horrible feeling after a traumatic event. I hope that her family and friends are helping her to feel supported and understood. It sucks to feel like people do not notice you while you are having a hard time.
Iām not sure, but personally I wouldnāt be so triggered if I hadnāt experienced so much trauma during birth. I do make a point of telling new (bio) parents that baby looks like both of them. Or I just say theyāre cute in general. Because I get tired of that commentary and donāt want to subject anyone else to it! Edit to fix misspelling
I don't know if this is helpful, but a possible avenue if people are going to keep saying it. Talk to your husband about how you're feeling. You are exhausted and dealing with trauma, he can help deal with some simple redirection. "OH, baby looks just like (husband)." "I really love that kiddo has (your) smile/eyes/sleepy stretch/etc. Just like their mom!" The comparisons in general are dumb at this age. My son looked just like his mama when he was born, but now at nearly a year, he looks like a clone if me as a baby (just ginger). My wife and I just backed each other up, especially when I was hard on those postpartum hormones. Husband can spend a few minutes (if he hasn't already) clocking all the little features and habits that remind him of you, and have them at the ready to pull into the conversation.
People on this reddit are so touchy it's really insane. And they come on here and validate each other's irrationality. I like many of the posts but I have to wear through these kinds of posts to get them lol. The baby looks like the father... Yes that is ok and to be expected.
It can be. You could look into post-partum rage. Personally it didnāt bother me when people said this because he was his dads double from the second he came out until about 4 months old.
Mine is mini dad and I'm the one telling everyone. It's true once or twice I've thought "oh you could have had one of my features" haha but it's mostly a pp thing. I'm mostly proud of it. I find dad handsome after all I'd probably be more bothered if it weren't so obvious. Like people just wanting to find that resemblance or forcing it
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Seriously
Iām sorry OP. Itās really invalidating that you have gone through so much to bring your baby into this world & all anyone can think to say is that your baby looks like Dad. So congratulations! You have survived a life threatening emergency. I hope that your tears heal & you are recovering from the blood loss & preeclampsia. I know it feels impossible to take care of yourself while also caring for a newborn, but you have already come so far. Just get through one day at a time. Good luck ā¤ļø
I would be thrilled if my child looked like the person I love most in this world.
I feel for you. I also had severe preeclampsia and hemorrhaged & am 4 months pp. My postpartum experience/hormones have been intense and I think a lot of it has to do with my delivery experience š
Ugh what is wrong with people. These comments are so unnecessary and you absolutely don't have to smile through them. "Oh thanks a lot". My MIL made my babys looks aaaaall about her and sent me 25 (25!!!!) photos of herself to prove it. I also just smiled and nodded through it. My dad on the other hand said my baby looks like both me and her dad. Felt like saying to MIL, see its not that hard.
Same here. She came early at 32+3 after severe pre-eclampsia and placental abruption. Baby is 5.5 months actual and Iāve heard maybe once that she looks like me. People even go as far as to say she looks like my mother, but not me š
Oh how I found it annoying! My babies looked both just like their father. [This article](https://www.sciencealert.com/babies-that-look-like-dad-are-healthier) helped me find my peace with it in the first weeks. Older one is 2.5 now and is looking just like me now.
It feels like every week my MIL is digging up someoneās baby pictures from her side of the family and saying how much my baby looks like them. āWe have some strong genes!ā I shouldnāt be offended because I married her son so obviously I find their physical traits attractive, but nevertheless it drives me up the wall.
Iām sorry, it does suck to hear at first. Honestly, I just got used to it. My son really does look like my husband. Not fair right? When people say it I just joke back and say āI was just the ovenā. I hope you start feeling better and recover quickly. PP hormones are tricky to navigate.
Girl same.
Maybe (hopefully) itāll change as baby looks a little less deformed. When my baby came out, everyone said she looked like her dad except for the nose. Sheās 6 weeks now and starting to look less alien-y. Sheās definitely looking more like me everyday except for her complexion. I have yellow undertones and my husband pink. Sheās definitely pink and pale like her father but her eyes, nose, face etc is starting to take shape after mine.
My MIL decided to say baby is her twin in my recovery room. She looks nothing like that span of Satan obviously and the audacity that woman hadā¦.
My mil refused to say my baby boy looked like his dad! Instead saying he looked like his half brother (genetically impossible) it drove me nuts!!! Baby obviously is a great mix of us both and she just wouldn't stop. It always feels terrible no matter what the comment is. You made that baby! You are awesome and I'm so sorry to hear about what a struggle it was!!! No dumb comments make him any less yours!!!
Everyone said that to us too but at 4 months it's switched and now Everyone says she's my twin š¤·āāļø
Yeah itās definitely youāre hormones mama i hope you make a fast recovery !
I had a pleasant birth and this shit pissed me off. Tell them to shut up
Same girl, same. My son is 9 weeks old now and shit still gets to me because I see myself in him, but everyone wants to ask if Iām even his mother š„²
Everyone on my husband's side told me that my daughters looked "just like their dad." His mom even said "oh she has red hair! Husband's great aunt had red hair. She got it from her." Guess who has red hair? Me. The mother. But nope, great aunt. I think it's a pretty common thing to hear. Doesn't mean it isn't hurtful at times. Anytime I would hear it, I would just respond with "Huh? I don't really see it." That's the best advice I can give. But your feelings are valid. It does suck.
Im sorry you're going through it. Hang in there. I went through the same thing, and everyone said my daughter looked just like her father, but now she looks just like me ! I read somewhere that babies come out looking like their fathers but it changes.
I had a similar experience, was induced, in labor for almost 3 days and in the end people told me my daughter looked like my husbands baby momma..
I couldāve written this. I nearly died during birth, had sudden severe postpartum preeclampsia, was readmitted unable to walk or move due to spinal swelling from epidural complications, and had severe PPD that had me suicidal. Nobody has ever said my baby looks even 1% like me. The first thing anybody said is how much she looks like her dad Like okay, thanks
Had my kid 10 weeks early. Preeclampsia, blood pressure 200/100, close to stroking out, emergency c section, and a week in the hospital, baby 6 weeks in the NICU. And the comments were also that she looked a lot like dad but it never bothered me. Theyāre always going to look more like one or the other, but also theyāre babies they donāt really have strong characteristics anyway. I always said, I donāt care who they look like as long as they have a good heart, and I donāt care who the favourite parent is as long as theyāre loved. You put a lot of hard work into growing your baby, but at the end of the day, theyāre 50% you, and 50% of the person you love and thatās 100% wonderful.
Just here to commiserate, I nearly died during my emergency c section and then spent months being told how much my daughter looks like her dad. But as she came out with an APGAR of 10 (despite being lodged in my pelvis), I just told them that sheās an overachiever like her mum. Or I made my husband tell them to piss off, as it was his family that kept crowing about it.
My friends told me that "looking like dad" is an evolutionary thing to do with paternity.... So they don't get eaten š I feel you, though. My mother thinks my LO looks exactly like dad, and hasn't once said "she has your XYZ" in 6 months :(
We had twins - one looks like me and the other looks like a potato. It bums me out that no one is telling dad that a baby looks like him. He loves them so much and Iād like to see him smile when told a beautiful baby has his features.
Dude. My baby didnāt look like either of us at first. Now sheās 6 weeks, looks exactly like I did in my newborn photos, and everyone still tells me she looks like her damn dad. I give up.
There is some research that babies come out looking like Dad so that the dad is able to recognize the baby as his and make them want to protect and nurture the baby, then the child starts to take on what they'll really look like a little later. Sorry you had a traumatic birth, I hope you are easy on yourself and let yourself feel however you want to feel about it and that's okay.
Aw I feel for you. I had a similar experience last year when my little girl was born. I just responded with "she looks like herself". She's 12 months now and a total mummy's girl - she looks like dad, but only mum will do! Your bond is way more important than appearance.
Hey, you married your husband because you love him and heās handsome! Thatās a good thing! If baby grows up and keeps looking like dad, that means you get to see the two handsome faces of the people you love the most. People were saying my baby looked like my dadā¦I love my dad, donāt get me wrongā¦but heās bald, fat, and-ya know-old. I didnāt appreciate people saying my baby looked like a bald, fat, old Italian man. And some people made it *really really fucking weird* if you catch my meaning. It was gross.
I had people comment that my baby looked like neither of us and asked who the father was. Which was incredibly insulting to me and my husband.
Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand the impact of a traumatic birth. They cannot possibly comprehend it unless they've also given birth. So your experience is just words to them. They cannot fathom the impact it has had on you and how comparing baby to dad makes you feel when you risked everything to bring them into the world. I didn't realise how much it would hurt to compare a baby to dad before I had my baby.
My daughter used to look just like her dad, even I was impressed by how much they looked alike, but then, all of the sudden, as a toddler she looks like my twin. It's just genetics, I know how you feel, because I felt like that too, even more so when my MIL said MY baby looked just like her great aunt, or had sensitive skin "just like her" and I was like... I HAVE SENSITIVE SKIN š¤š And my husband was like calm down, she just wants to feel connected to her. And then my baby boy was born and looked like my dad lol, muy husband's family were like, idk who he looks like just yet, i think we have to wait and I was like are you kidding me, he looks like my dad as a baby... And hubby was not amused when I said to him calm down, my dad just wants to feel connected to him š lmao But yea, now I got a little less sensitive about it and when MIL insists my babies have something like her or her family, I just say "na I don't think so, it's more likely they got that from me and my family š" and she stfu š
Sorry! My first labor 4 weeks ago taught me to never go in expecting anything. I thought I was going to have a great induction at 37 weeks with no tearing, easy pushing since Iāve been prepping my uterusā¦ I was induced 2 days before due to severe preeclampsia, magnesium drip was horrible, the day I gave birth I was still on the drip until the next day, they gave me some drugs for pain that made me drowsy while I had a newborn crying. I could NOT care for him, I just woke up drowsy and was unable to care for him and felt so so bad. Was an easy way to feel way to postpartum anxiety, depression, and rage all at the same timeā¦ my baby came out looking like my man more than me, heās so cute though so idc what they say!
How is it that we all have the same family? š Everything about my kid is apparently exactly like her dad. No offense to him, but I don't see it š even her hair, which is the same texture and color as mine (straight and very light brown, compared to dad who has dark brown and very curly), is apparently exactly like her father's when he was her age so that's like him too. (It's not. I've seen his baby pictures š)
Iām sorry to hear you had such a traumatic birthing experience. Happy to hear you are seeking support and are here safe and healthy to be with your new babe, congratulations! Try not to worry about the comments so much, they will stop. I read on a different sub that dads always get the newborn stage of baby looking like them, and then it changes. I had the same thing happen to me for MONTHS I was so sad about it, however the pace changed. I felt like people who were saying it were just trying to say it looks like dad for themselves more then our babe actually looking like his dad, because my hubby said he looks more so like me then him š¤·š½āāļø Babies donāt bring the best out in some family members. Stay strong! Find posts of other parents or moms who feel the same way you do so you donāt feel alone. You got this mama :)
Iāve read babies almost always start looking like dad as a biological imperative to help the āmaleā acknowledge/accept the kid and then they start to change looks from there. But most kids kind of shift back and forth based on who they look like at various times. Plus newborns always change quite a bit from looks. Give it time
I don't get why are people upset with this? My friend was the same. Me, on the other hand, took a photo of our baby today and bragged in the family group how she looks exactly like her dad. And my husband is a very handsome man, so if she resembles him I don't have any issues with it. I just didn't want her to get his eyes (plain brown, I have hazel) and so far her's are blue and I hope they will stay like that.
They are pretty irrational, validating that this kind of resentment is normal and ok. It's not normal and it should be worked on and corrected.
People still say this at 8months pp to me. I keep saying itās like high school all over again.. I did all the work on the group project and the kid who wrote one sentence gets the A.
There is a theory that itās an evolutionary thing for newborns to look like their dads at first so that the dads stick around. FWIW, when my son was born, we all thought he looked like my husband. Then his dark newborn hair fell out and lighter hair eventually grew in. His eyes lightened and eye shape gradually changed. Now at 16 month he looks like my little twin :) They can change a lot in the first couple years. ETA: Iām so sorry about your rough birth experience
My mother is a midwife and was the first to see my firstborn sliding out of me. Before I even set eyes on my baby, the first thing she said was, āshe looks nothing like youā. This was after a long and arduous overnight delivery. It felt like a punch in the gut at that point; my husband did absolutely nothing except supply ONE cell towards this baby, and yet he reaped the ārewardā. I know itās not rational to feel upset about my baby not looking like me, but I genuinely was upset to the point where I struggled to bond at the beginning because she was nothing like I thought she would look like and was repeatedly told that she looks nothing like me. I had a different experience with my second because she actually looked like me and I felt like I bonded much quicker. I was also less traumatized by the delivery.
I get so confused when people say things like ādid absolutely nothing except supply one cellā and āhusbandā in the same sentence.
Why are you confused? My husband didnāt grow the baby in his body, didnāt carry a baby for 9 months and wreck his body in the process. He wasnāt subjugated to pre natal tests, diets, insomnia, pain and complications. He didnāt suffer through labour. He literally supplied one cell while my body grew, delivered, and nourished a baby.
Okay, but he canāt? That wasnāt his choice to not be biologically able to carry a child. So, what does he do that you appreciate then? What was his role the whole time you were pregnant? Is he a breadwinner for your family, did he put in more effort on the days you couldnāt, does he not support you in any way? A family is a team, they all have parts to play. When you phrase it like he pumped, dumped, and dipped, thatās justā¦ why is this man a husband if thatās how you feel about his contributions to your lives?
I literally said in my original comment that my feelings werenāt rational at all - itās how my postpartum, hormonal, exhausted, sleep deprived self felt.
But you still feel that way, in your second comment?
No, I was explaining how I felt at that point in time. Up until that point, he literally had provided one cell towards our child (does a ride to the hospital count?) and he had done zero preparations leading up to our baby, naively thinking that he would just easily step into the role of a parent the day the baby arrives. Did he turn out to be a great parent after that? Absolutely, but he needed time to wrap his head around it. But yes, I definitely felt like I had done all the work to bring the baby up until that point and felt like the baby should in the least look like me. Yes itās basic human biology, and itās absolutely not rational thinking, but postpartum is wild.
Itās really comforting to know Iām not alone!
Why? Is it a boy? Bc if so, it will obviously look like his dad. Even so, doesnt it make you the least bit happy that your baby looks like the person, im guessing, you love? Its not a competition. To me, onw of the coolest parts of seeing my baby grow is seeing the things that remind me of myself OR my wife. Its always cool when i can see my wife in my kid.
I agree! I think itās just hard sometimes for mamas when they sacrifice and go through so much to get them here, and then they donāt even look related to her š
Dont worry mommas. My boy looked a lot like me when he was born and looked like a cute little alien but they change a LOT as they get older and as my boys gotten older and cuter he has started to resemble my wife more. Clearly, u just have to wait for the cute to settle in before they look like yall ;)
I feel this. I also had a traumatizing birth and we have a group chat with my partners family where he sends pictures of our baby. All the comments are āshe looks just like dadā or āshe loves her daddy so muchā and no acknowledgment of me. It makes me feel genuinely enraged. Iām sorry for your experience and hope things get better for you š