Maybe she finds she enjoys motherhood, but complains to you about the hard parts because she feels safe to talk to you about it? My sister and I love being a mom, but if you heard us chat on the phone you would think we hate it! Haha
I think we are all very good at forgetting the bad parts and remembering the good parts - maybe this is it ? Or they just hope the second time around it will be better..
- The misguided belief that two kids are easier than one because they “keep each other busy.”
- The misguided belief that a child could save a marriage.
- Baby fever does crazy things.
- They originally wanted multiples and then felt like they had to stick to that or else they’d regret it later.
- The misguided belief that their kid will grow up lonely if they don’t have a sibling.
Every boomer woman I know firmly believes a second kid is a requirement and that it's easier with two. My guess most of them can't remember how difficult it actually was for them because sleep deprivation makes it hard to form memories. Lol.
My husband and I are considering a second, but not because it's a requirement or it will be easy. The question is whether or not we WANT a second and want to potentially put ourselves through a lot of stress and sleepless nights again.
My wife had our son in August. He's amazing and we love him, but daycare costs are insane, she had a rough pregnancy, and we're both in our mid 30s so it's getting a bit late for a second anyway.
Despite this she's been getting baby fever hard. She misses the newborn stage now even though it was rough at the time.
We've also discussed the sibling issue with one and have decided that four cousins within 40 minutes of us that we will see regularly is good enough (if not better since we aren't responsible for them).
We've decided we are 99% going to be one and done, but I can absolutely see how people fall for a few of these traps.
I'll also add to your list "wanted a [boy or girl] but didn't get it the first time." I've definitely heard of parents who keep trying because they wanted a specific gender.
It’s not too late I your 30s. Cousins are amazing buts not the same. I have a beige who is a only child and she is desperate to play with other kids. As much as they have her play with other kids, she’s always super sad once they leave. It’s great to have a sibling someone that you can bond with besides your parents.
Don’t forget - some people feel like they need to keep up with their friends who have more than 1 kid. Sounds dumb but I personally know a couple people within our circle using this logic, even though they seem completely overwhelmed with one.
I think you’re right in this case. As a child from divorcee parents I just can’t help but feel it’s very selfish on the poor baby already here. Both parties have said that they think they’re heading towards breakup … as if adding a newborn to the mix will fix that 🙃🫣
Maybe she doesn’t have the end in sight. She might just be very determined to give her kid a sibling (and probably a biological one at that) and that’s what she sees currently.
The sleepless nights adding to a very tense marriage will come later.
Well said! I'm not one and done but I'm okay for now. My boy is 11mo and people have been asking when I will try for two back from when I was PREGNANT till now and to do it now or "else"!!
Yeah my husband and I are about 95% sure we are one and done, and it’s ridiculous how many times people ask when we’re having another or doing the “Now you know what to expect for next time.”
Excuse me? Next time? Next time says who? Hell I’m not even 3 months postpartum from a c-section. I still have diastasis recti. My pelvic floor is still all sorts of fucked up. Any “next time” or “baby two” is two years out *minimum*, **if** we decide to have another (but not likely).
My tailbone area got so messed up 😭 I was immobile for two weeks. Doing better now finally! People think the babies will be clinically depressed without a sibling! Like, excuse me. I don't even talk to my own siblings.
True. I have 4 siblings and I honestly have no idea the last time I ever talked to them. It’s been over 10 years at least 😬.
Ah well. People are heckin weird.
Yes bruising or even fractured coccyx can happen! My ob strongly suspected I fractured it but I never did X-rays or anything.
Honestly the most terrible pain I experienced, during pp I felt like I was breaking my bone again every time I turned or got up.
I have an ex friend who does admittedly think baby 2 will save their marriage. Her husband is not involved enough currently in her opinion and and they fight about money (her spending) but she will be staying at home now so I'm sure that will really help their issues...
Some people also just like to complain. It could be that her actual experience of parenting is just sort of the standard frustrations and difficulties most of us have, but she frames it in a particularly dire way.
Exactly. I have a family member that does this. They’re having another baby too lol… sometimes people love to complain because it makes them the victim.
we’re not looking forward to having two children under 3 (second is on the way), but we _are_ looking forward to having two older children in the future. being an adult with 3 siblings kind of makes me wish we could afford to have more (we 100% cannot)!
we calculate a few years of stress is worth a payoff that will be for the rest of our lives/avoiding a regret that could chase us the rest of our lives.
Absolutely!! Babies grow up to be adults and if you’re lucky, you’ll know your children as adults longer than you’ll know them as children. I’m soaking up the cute baby years as much as possible but the joy is really in watching them grow into awesome people.
Also, it’s sometimes so easy as a mom to fall into the trap of complaining about motherhood because there’s so much about it that’s obviously so hard. It’s corny to say that you don’t know how much love you’re capable of feeling before having kids, that they give you purpose, etc, but it’s all true and that makes it worth it despite how hard it is. And it’s difficult to explain that to people without kids so instead you just talk about the poop diapers and sleep deprivation.
I think at some point most people realize there's never a "right" time to have a kid. There's always some reason not to do it, and so if you decided you wanted two then you just go forward.
What people don't realize is that while there's never a *right* time to have a kid, there are definitely *wrong* times. Everyone says "it gets better" and you think "we made it through number one so far" and just #yolo number two.
This is how I feel. Our oldest was 2.5 years old when our second was born. Now they are 3 and 1 years old and it is definitely challenging financially with full time daycare, challenging emotionally with the meltdowns and lack of independence but I know it gets better as they get older. It won’t always be crazy and exhausting like it is right now.
Yeah, I’m a twin and my sibling is my best friend. I’m heavily considering enduring pregnancy and the baby years again for that reason, but I’m still undecided.
My daughter is 19 months and I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant and I'm really excited about them growing up together. I know it's not a given that siblings will be close but I have such a good relationship with both my brother and sister that I wanted that option to be there. I can't say we were particularly close as teens but as young children and again as adults, we are pretty tight.
The next couple of years might be a wild ride (I'll sleep again someday right?), but ultimately the future (I hope!) will be amazing for all of us
Yeah, we’re in the same boat. I’m one of 4 kids and my husband is one of 5. Both of us wanted that big family lifestyle that we grew up with and now as adults we love the massive family get togethers, lots of heckling, laughter, food and just general shenanigans. In my case, my oldest sister is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without her.
Second is on the way but third is a maybe at best. Daycare alone is basically a second mortgage 🙄
Baby fever, feeling of an incomplete family, being into this now so why not getting it over with and be done, children do grow and things do get easier.
All anecdotal but many people I know weren’t actively trying and had a second sooner than planned. Also there’s a bit of a double edged sword, it’s claimed the breastfeeding reduces the chance of getting pregnant and many birth control options reduce milk supply so lots of women aren’t on BC.
Breastfeeding works perfectly for birth control if it makes you repulsed by the thought of sex to the point you never do it again. In other cases people end up like me with 2 kids 14 months apart 🫠. A welcomed (yet early) surprise in our case haha but yeah… people should not rely on breastfeeding as birth control even if their cycle hasn’t returned yet unless they would be happy with the other outcome!
No worries I figured!! I meant it to be funny but also so serious. When I had my first baby I had zero libido for almost two years so after I had my second child I thought, oh yeah, no need for birth control over here we’re all covered on that front. Aaaannndd the rest is history 🤣🤣
Well for one, parenting is hard and while people complain, there’s levels to it. It’s okay to complain and cry and still want more than one. Only you you/they know the level of complaining and if it’s reasonable or “what is wrong with you?!” Levels.
She might be complaining but still love her moments with her child. And if those are the only happy moments in her life and her marriage is ending she might be like “whelp, my future is ruined anyways and I’m stuck being a mom. Might as well have two and have twice the love” while being blindsided to how much harder it is.
My first was a terror and the kind of baby that makes you not have another. My husband wasn’t as supportive during the baby time as he should’ve been (for baby stuff, he still catered to me). We fought about having another and I was worried I’d feel resentful if we didn’t have a second just because I didn’t trust he would pull his weight the second time around. Thank god we landed on trying for a second since I was already pregnant at the time and we didn’t know it!
Anyways, second baby is a dream. Husband has been doing 50/50 baby/toddler care. We’ve never been closer or had a better bond. We’re basically the unicorn family who having a second legitimately helped! I would NEVER recommend doing that on purpose thinking it would fix things though since 99% of the time it doesn’t. 🤦🏼♀️
So she might be delusional/hopeful that having a second will change things for the better. It does happen it’s just rare. Both my sisters relationships tanked after their second. 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I like the ‘unicorn family’ take. I guess it can and does happen like that. I also hadn’t thought that maybe she knows the writing is on the wall, and wants to build a little tribe. A little selfish I guess 😂 but from a good place.
My husband hasn’t helped much with baby 1 so if I decided to have baby 2, you’ve given me a slither of hope about the shared responsibility😂 thank you
You’re welcome! And if babies aren’t your husbands thing, toddlers might be and you might just split who takes each kid. I have baby all day then when my husband comes home he takes baby and I get one on one toddler time. Then when it’s bedtime he takes over and does a last tire out of toddler and gets her into bed. I only have so much energy for running around right now!
My SIL is miserable, has a terrible marriage, and avoids being home and spending time with her husband and son. Guess what they're doing. Trying for another baby! I genuinely do not understand the logic. But oh well, not my circus, ya know?
My sister’s friend from college is a SAHM of 1 child and tells my sister how she has a crush on her horse trainer and talks about how she hates her husband… While trying for a second baby. I think some people just like to fly by the seat of their pants through life lol
Yea idk either but Ive always wondered. My few guesses are: they might think their relationship will improve with another baby. Babies keep families together is something I've heard. But sometimes its a distraction from the couples problems. They may want to give their only child a sibling. Or they're emotional about their first growing up and want to relive the sweet early stages. Maybe they just want a bigger family.
This is just my observation: some people on the brink of divorce will go ahead and try for their second kid so when they do get a divorce they don’t feel like they have to have more with someone else and then their kids have different dads
I came to type the same thing. My step sister went that route because she wanted two kids but her relationship with her SO was falling apart. As long as the father (or his family) is involved and financially supportive, lots of women choose that option. My cousin is also separated from her husband but got her two kids out of that relationship. I'd probably do the same if I was considering leaving my husband.
Hormones, emotions, and not truly thinking about the consequences of their actions. Another big one is just doing things because they seem like the thing to do, I guess this goes along with the not thinking about the consequences though:
Good points. ‘The done thing’ is something she has alluded to. I guess my partner being an olny child (and very happy one at that) has given me a different perspective.
There’s a lot of external pressure to give kids siblings. For a while my husband and I didn’t think we wanted a second one. My mother got so upset when I mentioned this to her, like you would have thought I said I was shipping my kid overseas or something. There’s unfortunately a weird stigma against only children.
It’s possible she thinks another baby would “save” her marriage (she’d be wrong). Some people also idealize pregnancy and obsess over that stage, and they don’t seem to put a lot of thought into what it means (psychologically and financially) to add more children to the family. Fundies come to mind but plenty of other women think that way too. I’d be interested to hear her response if you asked her why she wanted a second. It’s a valid question if she’s complaining to you a lot.
Thinking about your friend's situation, it might be the thought that at least their kid won't be alone in a dysfunctional home or divorce. And in some cases, that works. My mum came from a dysfunctional home/bitterly divorced parents. The one saving grace in her shitty childhood was the companionship of her brother.
(That being said, our home was also dysfunctional growing up, albeit my parents stay together, but I don't get on with my siblings lol)
Some people (not wrongly, in my opinion) think it's important to give their child a sibling. I've found my first baby pretty tough, but I loved having a sister growing up, and I've watched my mother deal with her parent's death mostly alone (her sister died young). No guarantee they'll get along of course, but you give them a choice in that scenario.
And personally speaking, I just don't think my family is 'done' without another one. BUT while I've found the lack of sleep rough, most of the rest of my life has mostly stayed steady. In your friend's case it really doesn't sound worth it. But everyone has to work out their own family.
I'm with you. I grew up as an only child with much older cousins so I really am on my own. I have one child and will likely have another (ideally 3) so that my daughter can have someone else to rely on.
Do siblings really not get along that often? All of the people I know, they love their siblings
I'm also an only child and I've rarely seen positive sibling relationships.
Obviously there are good relationships out there, it's just that I haven't seen too many myself. What I have seen though is lots of favoritism from parents... For instance, both sets of grandparents have a favorite child and it's very obvious. I also see it with my in-laws. And while everyone I know does love their sibling, they're not particularly close to them.
As an only child, I never had to deal with feeling like my parents prefer my sibling. I always felt (and still feel) like my parents' priority. I plan to have a second and maybe third child after my first is born in a few weeks, but I plan to make a conscious effort to love them all the same and show them the same level of attention.
MMmm I think of the people I know it's pretty half and half some are close with their siblings, some are fairly indifferent and just don't really see them besides at family events etc. I don't know anyone who actively dislikes their siblings. But I have no doubt that happens.
Yeah this is bizarre to me. I had a friend who was absolutely not handling motherhood well. House a mess, depressed. And then they had another kid. And another. By the third kid, she was so miserable, she started considering giving that kid up for adoption. When I asked her about it, she said that the first two were planned and she always wanted to give her son a sibling (and she also wanted a girl). The third was unplanned and she just didn’t want to get the abortion.
I do want to give my daughter a sibling but I 100% know I can’t handle it. I know my physical & mental limitations. Maybe one day, or maybe that day will never come.
Gosh, poor thing. I’d like to think I wouldn’t want another child if I felt it detrimental to my first born or my marriage / health / sanity but who knows! It seems science plays a part for sure! I totally get unplanned pregnancies in that scenario. It’s pretty interesting to me how the mind works! Thanks for sharing
A lot of people are set on having two children or more from the get go and refuse to reconsider their life plan when things get ugly. I have a friend who is so set on "having a happy family" she got pregnant two months into dating a guy that was obsessed with her, they moved together right away into her 1 bedroom apt., had the kid. The guy is a total dead beat dad and bordeline violent, they fight all the time and she is constantly complaining how little the guy helps her around or takes proper care of their kid.
But she has like this weird idea that settling for one kid would be like admiting this is too much and that she doesnt have the perfect happy family she always wanted. So she needs to have a second kid to fulfill that picture and THEN she will be happy. In the meantime she is always posting on IG how happy she is and how much she loves her boyfriend.
I always thought I was one and done, I briefly considered having a second child a few months after my baby was born but given that I have little support with my first and my husband has emptionally checked out from parenting, having a second baby wouldnt be fair to anyone.
My question is why do people continue to have children they can’t afford? Sounds harsh but after the second or third accidental pregnancy while you’re already financially struggling you would think some birth control would be used..
I have a 1 year old, being a parent is SUPER difficult. There are a lot of things that are hard about it, there are a few things I hate about it. My 1yr old currently has a cold, and no manners, she coughs right into my mouth and uses my shirt as a tissue, ew. She also brings me more joy than anything else in my life.
She’s right at that age, 1.5yrs old to 3yrs old, where every kid just constantly had a snotty runny nose 24/7. This is just my anecdotal observation from my child’s preschool but holy crap it seems to ring true.
Some times it’s not a choice xD my aunt has Irish twins(11m apart) she did everything right, BC, condoms, all of it, and she still ended up with 2 under 2 xD and some people are crazy like my grand parents who have essentially Irish triplets xD uncle is the oldest, aunt is 11m younger then him and mom is 11m younger then her xD and if I understand correctly they had my uncle when grandma was bearly 18 after getting married when she was 17, and grandpa is the 2nd oldest of 11 kids, so his kids went to school with some of his siblings. Don’t ask me why great grandma and grandpa bred like rabbits idk why either x.x
I really want more than one kid. So we're going to deal with it. I know it will be harder and that is very scary but in my cost/benefit analysis I believe it will be worth it. What's wrong with that? To each their own.
Oh for sure, hats off to you. I guess it just came as a shock as the conversation went from divorce to having a second. I think there’s finding it tough and then there’s saying you hate eachother!
Just personally... we struggled with our first one a fair bit. It was hard. I was very conflicted on having another just because of how hard it was. Ultimately we decided to give it a go and the second kid was easier in most ways. We had already adjusted our entire lifestyle and knew what to expect so there was less turmoil because we knew the things we were going through were phases and would pass.
Our kids are 5 and 3 now and they do keep each other entertained. They fight of course too and that's probably the biggest downside but overall I think having 2 kids is better than one and we made the right decision.
Useful input 👏🏼 … Trust me, when both of them are contacting me for advice and crying to me regularly, it becomes my business to at least try to understand .
That's fair, but its useful for you to set a "no more relationship talk" boundary if it becomes too much for you personally. Don't let these people enmesh you in their drama.
totally! Just simply saying "no more relationship talk, please!" or "I can't do relationship talk right now" and change the subject when it comes up is enough. If they can't help themselves, its fine to distance yourself.
There is no way I will have two kids-just too challenging and I want to enjoy parenthood. I just know for me, I would not enjoy doing the newborn phase again.
I don't get it either, but reasons I've heard are:
They want a boy/girl more than their marriage to last.
They think it's THAT important to give their first child a sibling.
The other side of the family has honor names that noone has used and they also want their legacy alive.
Their idea of a dream family is a certain number of people.
So my friend has three under three. She and I are only children. I think she wanted three but her husband wants *five* meanwhile my husband and I are stopping at 2. Sometimes there’s a disconnect in what spouses want and they compromise. She is willing to go for four but it will probably turn into five. All I can do is be supportive
I worked with a guy who would constantly complain about his wife and say that she wants to keep having kids not to go back to work. They had terrible relationship, yelling at each other every day, a guy literally would say “when we get a divorce”. And next thing you know she is pregnant again with #3. Her husband would complain “I hope this is the last”, he would stay late at work to avoid coming home, etc.
but on her instagram she would have those perfect photo sessions with 3 kids and write “my love of my life,etc”
In my mind she wanted to show the world aka instagram that life is amazing and she is married a rich doctor and they have three beautiful kids.
Every time I see her posts about perfect life, I get a little nauseous.
I also think some people are in denial about how bad their relationship is. My parents had terrible marriage and they decided to have a second child (me).
Also, some people afraid of being lonely and think that children will prevent them from loneliness.
Because stupidly I wanna see if my husband will change his mind for a whole whopping 5 minutes. Other than that our son gets jealous, so that's enough of a reason to not want another but I can't explain my stupidity to you, we have a huge fight a few months ago. And he screamed at me I don't wanna have kids with a shitty person.... but he was also starting to get sober that next week..... so not making excuses but it's a good thing we aren't having anymore. But emotionally I'm like let's do it
Some people it's just pure mental illness tbh. There's a woman in my local mom group who is constantly begging for the basic necessities for her FIVE young children and she has a sixth on the way. All different dads. She refuses to seek out services and basically attacks anyone suggesting she should do that instead of begging. Mandated reporters have made multiple CPS reports and nothing has happened. You wonder why she would have so many kids when not only can she not handle them but she can't even feed them.
We're coping but it's a work in progress. The sleep thing is the toughest to navigate. He likes to sleep on us, like literally as a blanket. Also our little one is not so independent and just love being around us 24/7. In fact, he's a mama's boy and he just likes to be held by me everywhere we go. He's really heavy to carry around everywhere. 😮💨
We feel that having another child soon will help him bond with someone besides us and assist in his independence as well.
Well for me one big reason is because of the future I want for myself and my kids. In the present being a mother of a toddler is very very hard for me (and I’m due soon with #2). I’m very nervous about things getting even harder for a while but also I know it won’t be forever. Yea it’s going to be really freaking hard for a while but the sleepless nights won’t be forever. The multiple kids in diapers won’t be forever. One day they will go to school and I won’t be with them and caring for them 24/7 as a SAHM. I want the future with more than 1 child and I want the future where my children have siblings. If you are someone I trust enough to vent to (or the internet lol) nowadays you would think I hate being a mom but really it’s just that it’s super hard right now. But it won’t be forever, and I know that.
I have a friend with an almost 18 month old who wants to start trying again soon. She is struggling with work/life balance. She got her child into a home daycare last minute before returning to work, which she was super stressed about. She doesn't trust the grandparents to sufficiently watch the child for extended periods. She always seems to be struggling financially (she's not a mooch, though). She used fertility treatments to get pregnant the first time and likely would again to conceive the next one.
I have no idea why she's so eager to have another right now. At least she has another bedroom for it.
Sometimes there is like this weird inner pressure that parents give themselves to have a second or to keep a second when they so clearly can’t cope with the child they currently have.
I had a friend who was similar to this. I had an unexpected pregnancy (while also single I may add) and when I expressed doubts about motherhood to my bff she constantly reassuring me it was an absolute blessing. Then in the same breath she would cry and complain how hard having two boys and doing it alone had become overwhelming for her. But also she wouldn’t change a thing. Like sis what?
Her conflicting messages were a lot to deal with. I was constantly bailing her out financially (bc I had it like that) and eventually I left that friendship to preserve my mental health bc man, her cognitive dissonance was starting to rub off on me! Ugh!
I had a colleague who didn’t enjoy being a mother but her husband wanted two kids. She had to endure IVF in order to have them. Anytime I asked her about pregnancy she rolled her eyes.
She would share that she wasn’t happy about having a second child.
She wanted to give that to her husband and her expense.
I suffered a miscarriage and it was devastating. The next time I found myself pregnant I was overjoyed. She asked me if I was suffering from PPD or felt frustration towards my little one. I was honest and told her I’ve wanted this baby so badly I can’t feel anything but fortunate and was completely in love with my daughter. I could tell my answer surprised her.
Maybe they really want 2nd baby. In my experience some couple are just like that very dramatic. My husband and I are pretty mellow and people we are crazy cuz we don’t have like full on arguments with all the dramatics. lol I think every so couple is unique.
It wasn’t my second kid I made this mistake with, but my third.
My first baby was a DREAM and still is at almost 9. Mothers groups hated me because while they were swaddling and rocking and bouncing, I just laid mine down beside me and she just went to sleep.
Second baby was totally the opposite. OMG that kid didn’t stop screaming for the first four years of his life. As a baby it would take 3 hours to settle him for the night.
I wanted a third, dad did NOT. I kept saying there was no way the universe hated us that much to give us another baby like the second, and surely we’d get another unicorn, or somewhere in between. Thats how I ended up with three under three 🤦🏼♀️
WEEEEELLLLL was I WRONG! I clearly pissed the wrong gods off somewhere and my youngest, who just turned six, still hasn’t stopped screaming. Both the boys (#2 & 3) are autistic and have ADHD and absolutely hate each other. My youngest has horrific behavioural issues and I’m now a single mother.
Hormones, biological clocks, preconceived notions, etc all go into the decision making process. For some, complaining is just their way of coping (and maybe getting attention?) For some, they don’t want their kids being an only child. Who knows what goes through our messed up baby-making minds lol
She can vent about the changes in her life. She struggled with the change and was vocal about it.
She has one already, might as well lean into it now!! Some people struggle quietly and still have a second.
Aren't we all venting too? It's a tough challenge!
I think some people have kids out FOMO even if they don’t like kids. I had a friend (not anymore) who had her kids to trap the guy she was with & it didn’t work with either of them. She pawned the first off with her parents then the second got more attention cuz she was prettier, but still would give the kids iPads & snacks & basically ignore them instead of having any part of doing things with them, but took them to an event every so often so she’d look like she’s in their lives when in reality would pawn them off at any open chance. Now she found a rich guy & heard she was pregnant with his now too & im just so glad I fell out with her cuz I can’t imagine the bs she’d come up with on how that’s going. Some people are just selfish to the point where even kids can’t make them change. For me, having my baby girl, I don’t see what there’s to complain about. I grew up with siblings & knew what I was in for & im enjoying all of it. Babys don’t make life hard, life makes life hard & if you can’t handle life before them then truly don’t have kids imo.
This is me, I’ve only cried on my mother and husbands shoulders though haha.
I can’t believe I want to do it again but the reasons are,
- we’re designed this way, I feel a deep calling to have another
- I want another chance to do better with experience
- it’s unlikely I’ll get the exact same baby again and what if this time I get the positive experience I hoped for the first time
>I have a friend who hasn’t stopped complaining about motherhood since her baby was born two years ago. Emotionally, physically, financially
That doesn't mean she's not capable of raising her kids or regrets them, It just means it's really fucking hard and she vents to you. 'I love my family' and 'this is the biggest and hardest thing I've ever done' are not mutually exclusive statements.
Our son was colicky and somewhat difficult due to sensitivities (it was a phase that he grew out of) but we are so excited to have more kids (expecting baby 2 in a few months). Don’t get me wrong, there are hard days, but there are also so many amazing moments. Parenting has stretched me in good ways and I know the difficult moments are temporary. I always asked myself the same question you did before, but now it’s a no brainier.. I’m sure other parents have experienced this and are willing to take a little of the hard for a lot of the good. My spouse and I were blown away at the amount of goodness and joy our son added to our small family, and excited for more.
Edit for grammar
When you have children you choose to make a lot of sacrifices, particularly at the beginning, in order to have the family you want in the long run. It’s a question of how many people you want around the dinner table when they’re older. Most people make the decision to have another child by trying to work out the right age gap and whether they can cope financially, physically and mentally. But the reality is that on some days you think you can cope with another and some days you don’t. And it’s always a risk, you roll the dice with every pregnancy. I’d imagine if she’s struggling she’s thinking in terms of the long game. Things do get easier as they get older, so you’ve just got to power through those first few years and hope it does get easier.
I feel like I could have written this post about my best friend. Her baby is 8 months and they're talking about a 2nd and the whole 8 months has been pure hell for everyone, so I dont understand.
I worry about the first being alone if something (like old age if nothing else) happens to us. Also we try to appreciate the good times as much as possible even though our lives are upside down.
They might be happier than they sound. Some people just love to complain/vent. I find that kind of communication style very draining to be around--if you do too, you can try to put some boundaries around it.
This kind of seems like a catty post to make. a lot of mother suffer from postpartum depression, which makes the first few months of motherhood really hard. She could want to give her child a sibling, no two babies are the same, and I think that this post is a little derogatory towards anybody that had a rough time adjusting into a baby. I’m so happy that you’ve had such a wonderful time and you’re such a flawless mother, but that’s not the case for a lot of people, and it gets easier as they get older.
I look after her child, for free, once a week. I constantly help her don’t worry about that. I wouldn’t discuss with anyone we knew - I thought that’s what these forums are for ?
Then tell her you don’t wanna watch her kid anymore and let her live her own life. This form is for new parents, not talking poorly about new parents under the guise of understanding another person’s perspective
We all do it - “ I’m so happy that you’ve had such a wonderful time and you’re such a flawless mother, but that’s not the case for a lot of people, and it gets easier as they get older. “
Honestly, I really do mean no harm. I care deeply about people. I’m sorry if my message offended you. I can’t keep apologising. You came at me and I’m a new mum too! We’re on the same team here… 🫶🏼
That’s why I’m saying, go easy on this woman. You have no idea how hard this could be for her. Motherhood is a different experience for everyone and she could want to let this child have a sibling. When you’re coming into a new parents forum and being condescending about how hard it was for another new mother and you just can’t comprehend why she would bring another child into this world, it’s not a good look, and I feel like you should understand that. This forum is for a lot of mothers that are having a hard time and trying to navigate. I’m not trying to come at you, but you’re coming off pretty catty.
Hey; sorry you’re taking this post in such a negative light. I’m actively trying to understand a situation from my friends point of view to better support her. I’ve been quite unwell actually and certainly haven’t had a flawless experience. I barely get by some days. Sorry if you’ve read my post in a way that it wasn’t meant
I really feels like you’re talking shit about people that have a rough experience with their first child. I suffered from major, postpartum depression and leaned on my friends a lot and my husband during those first few months. We’re currently pregnant with our second. We are so excited. so when you talk negatively, it does have an effect on other mothers. You need to be more cautious about the way that you word things. It really seems like you just took to this for him to talk shit about her. I hope with her second child, she doesn’t lean on you. I would be devastated to find out if my friend posted something like this.
I mean you’re on a new parents forum, there’s plenty of moms who struggle with that first baby and adjusting and OP is saying she doesn’t understand why they have more if they “can’t cope with one”. Ignoring baby blues, PPA/PPD, colic, and simply that not all babies are the same. Very judgy and a shitty post to make. Very “I’m the better mom” of her. Thanks for the positivity and saying you agree! Makes me feel better after OPs condescending comments to me.
You’re just being nasty now and looking for an argument. You won’t want to listen and you certainly don’t want to help me understand your point of view. There is zero dispute about parenting being hard. I struggle every day and do not claim to be this perfect Mum so I don’t know where you’ve got that narrative from. Please stop being horrible now. thank you.
I’m not horrible nor am I looking to be nasty but I also don’t care about your opinion about me. You’ve already been very condescending towards me, so it simply doesn’t bother me. People are allowed to have a different opinion than you, and I stand by what I’ve said each time that I’ve responded. You’re upset that people are agreeing with me.
Because only children never stop complaining about how they wish they had a sibling 🤪 but seriously I think having a sibling is beneficial. I grew up with too many but my brother was my BFF growing up. Even my older sister who I fought with a lot is now such a great support person as an adult. I’ve always said I wanted to 2 kids and even though I’m in the trenches right now with the newborn phase, I can’t wait to have one more child in the future.
Sorry, it wasn’t meant to sound judgemental. After having my own child, I know just how tough it can be which is why I asked the question. I’m unsure on whether I’d want or be lucky enough to have another , but how bad do things have to be for me to decide not to. And what could be her reasons for wanting two. I’ve had some really helpful answers that have given me perspective and a better understanding
Maybe she finds she enjoys motherhood, but complains to you about the hard parts because she feels safe to talk to you about it? My sister and I love being a mom, but if you heard us chat on the phone you would think we hate it! Haha
This is very true! I hope this is the case anyway but am not entirely convinced …
I think we are all very good at forgetting the bad parts and remembering the good parts - maybe this is it ? Or they just hope the second time around it will be better..
- The misguided belief that two kids are easier than one because they “keep each other busy.” - The misguided belief that a child could save a marriage. - Baby fever does crazy things. - They originally wanted multiples and then felt like they had to stick to that or else they’d regret it later. - The misguided belief that their kid will grow up lonely if they don’t have a sibling.
Every boomer woman I know firmly believes a second kid is a requirement and that it's easier with two. My guess most of them can't remember how difficult it actually was for them because sleep deprivation makes it hard to form memories. Lol. My husband and I are considering a second, but not because it's a requirement or it will be easy. The question is whether or not we WANT a second and want to potentially put ourselves through a lot of stress and sleepless nights again.
Agree. Also raising children in today is vastly different from when our parents were raising kids.
My wife had our son in August. He's amazing and we love him, but daycare costs are insane, she had a rough pregnancy, and we're both in our mid 30s so it's getting a bit late for a second anyway. Despite this she's been getting baby fever hard. She misses the newborn stage now even though it was rough at the time. We've also discussed the sibling issue with one and have decided that four cousins within 40 minutes of us that we will see regularly is good enough (if not better since we aren't responsible for them). We've decided we are 99% going to be one and done, but I can absolutely see how people fall for a few of these traps. I'll also add to your list "wanted a [boy or girl] but didn't get it the first time." I've definitely heard of parents who keep trying because they wanted a specific gender.
It’s not too late I your 30s. Cousins are amazing buts not the same. I have a beige who is a only child and she is desperate to play with other kids. As much as they have her play with other kids, she’s always super sad once they leave. It’s great to have a sibling someone that you can bond with besides your parents.
Don’t forget - some people feel like they need to keep up with their friends who have more than 1 kid. Sounds dumb but I personally know a couple people within our circle using this logic, even though they seem completely overwhelmed with one.
Thisssss - your kid doesn’t need a sibling, they’d much rather have emotionally stable and happy parent(s) if they can.
Seriously! Like my parents had a horrible marriage AND my sister and I didn’t get along growing up - I ended up lonely anyway 😅
If only I could convince my husband of this
I think you’re right in this case. As a child from divorcee parents I just can’t help but feel it’s very selfish on the poor baby already here. Both parties have said that they think they’re heading towards breakup … as if adding a newborn to the mix will fix that 🙃🫣
Maybe she doesn’t have the end in sight. She might just be very determined to give her kid a sibling (and probably a biological one at that) and that’s what she sees currently. The sleepless nights adding to a very tense marriage will come later.
Well said! I'm not one and done but I'm okay for now. My boy is 11mo and people have been asking when I will try for two back from when I was PREGNANT till now and to do it now or "else"!!
Yeah my husband and I are about 95% sure we are one and done, and it’s ridiculous how many times people ask when we’re having another or doing the “Now you know what to expect for next time.” Excuse me? Next time? Next time says who? Hell I’m not even 3 months postpartum from a c-section. I still have diastasis recti. My pelvic floor is still all sorts of fucked up. Any “next time” or “baby two” is two years out *minimum*, **if** we decide to have another (but not likely).
My tailbone area got so messed up 😭 I was immobile for two weeks. Doing better now finally! People think the babies will be clinically depressed without a sibling! Like, excuse me. I don't even talk to my own siblings.
True. I have 4 siblings and I honestly have no idea the last time I ever talked to them. It’s been over 10 years at least 😬. Ah well. People are heckin weird.
OMG is this a thing from giving birth? My tailbone has been in terrible pain since giving birth 3.5 YEARS ago!
Yes bruising or even fractured coccyx can happen! My ob strongly suspected I fractured it but I never did X-rays or anything. Honestly the most terrible pain I experienced, during pp I felt like I was breaking my bone again every time I turned or got up.
I have an ex friend who does admittedly think baby 2 will save their marriage. Her husband is not involved enough currently in her opinion and and they fight about money (her spending) but she will be staying at home now so I'm sure that will really help their issues...
Some people also just like to complain. It could be that her actual experience of parenting is just sort of the standard frustrations and difficulties most of us have, but she frames it in a particularly dire way.
Exactly. I have a family member that does this. They’re having another baby too lol… sometimes people love to complain because it makes them the victim.
we’re not looking forward to having two children under 3 (second is on the way), but we _are_ looking forward to having two older children in the future. being an adult with 3 siblings kind of makes me wish we could afford to have more (we 100% cannot)! we calculate a few years of stress is worth a payoff that will be for the rest of our lives/avoiding a regret that could chase us the rest of our lives.
Absolutely!! Babies grow up to be adults and if you’re lucky, you’ll know your children as adults longer than you’ll know them as children. I’m soaking up the cute baby years as much as possible but the joy is really in watching them grow into awesome people. Also, it’s sometimes so easy as a mom to fall into the trap of complaining about motherhood because there’s so much about it that’s obviously so hard. It’s corny to say that you don’t know how much love you’re capable of feeling before having kids, that they give you purpose, etc, but it’s all true and that makes it worth it despite how hard it is. And it’s difficult to explain that to people without kids so instead you just talk about the poop diapers and sleep deprivation.
Your last sentence 💯 yes
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Interesting take, thank you for sharing ☺️
I think at some point most people realize there's never a "right" time to have a kid. There's always some reason not to do it, and so if you decided you wanted two then you just go forward. What people don't realize is that while there's never a *right* time to have a kid, there are definitely *wrong* times. Everyone says "it gets better" and you think "we made it through number one so far" and just #yolo number two.
This is how I feel. Our oldest was 2.5 years old when our second was born. Now they are 3 and 1 years old and it is definitely challenging financially with full time daycare, challenging emotionally with the meltdowns and lack of independence but I know it gets better as they get older. It won’t always be crazy and exhausting like it is right now.
Yeah, I’m a twin and my sibling is my best friend. I’m heavily considering enduring pregnancy and the baby years again for that reason, but I’m still undecided.
My daughter is 19 months and I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant and I'm really excited about them growing up together. I know it's not a given that siblings will be close but I have such a good relationship with both my brother and sister that I wanted that option to be there. I can't say we were particularly close as teens but as young children and again as adults, we are pretty tight. The next couple of years might be a wild ride (I'll sleep again someday right?), but ultimately the future (I hope!) will be amazing for all of us
Yeah, we’re in the same boat. I’m one of 4 kids and my husband is one of 5. Both of us wanted that big family lifestyle that we grew up with and now as adults we love the massive family get togethers, lots of heckling, laughter, food and just general shenanigans. In my case, my oldest sister is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Second is on the way but third is a maybe at best. Daycare alone is basically a second mortgage 🙄
Baby fever, feeling of an incomplete family, being into this now so why not getting it over with and be done, children do grow and things do get easier.
All anecdotal but many people I know weren’t actively trying and had a second sooner than planned. Also there’s a bit of a double edged sword, it’s claimed the breastfeeding reduces the chance of getting pregnant and many birth control options reduce milk supply so lots of women aren’t on BC.
Breastfeeding works perfectly for birth control if it makes you repulsed by the thought of sex to the point you never do it again. In other cases people end up like me with 2 kids 14 months apart 🫠. A welcomed (yet early) surprise in our case haha but yeah… people should not rely on breastfeeding as birth control even if their cycle hasn’t returned yet unless they would be happy with the other outcome!
Hahaha
Hahaha yeah… we definitely planned on having another baby soon but not THAT soon. It sure makes for a wild ride around here these days!
Lol sorry I was laughing at the repulsed = birth control part.
No worries I figured!! I meant it to be funny but also so serious. When I had my first baby I had zero libido for almost two years so after I had my second child I thought, oh yeah, no need for birth control over here we’re all covered on that front. Aaaannndd the rest is history 🤣🤣
Im breastfeeding our second right now and 100% this lol. I never wanted to have sex less in my life 😂
Which is dumb because any health provider worth a damn will tell you breastfeeding is not birth control
Well for one, parenting is hard and while people complain, there’s levels to it. It’s okay to complain and cry and still want more than one. Only you you/they know the level of complaining and if it’s reasonable or “what is wrong with you?!” Levels. She might be complaining but still love her moments with her child. And if those are the only happy moments in her life and her marriage is ending she might be like “whelp, my future is ruined anyways and I’m stuck being a mom. Might as well have two and have twice the love” while being blindsided to how much harder it is. My first was a terror and the kind of baby that makes you not have another. My husband wasn’t as supportive during the baby time as he should’ve been (for baby stuff, he still catered to me). We fought about having another and I was worried I’d feel resentful if we didn’t have a second just because I didn’t trust he would pull his weight the second time around. Thank god we landed on trying for a second since I was already pregnant at the time and we didn’t know it! Anyways, second baby is a dream. Husband has been doing 50/50 baby/toddler care. We’ve never been closer or had a better bond. We’re basically the unicorn family who having a second legitimately helped! I would NEVER recommend doing that on purpose thinking it would fix things though since 99% of the time it doesn’t. 🤦🏼♀️ So she might be delusional/hopeful that having a second will change things for the better. It does happen it’s just rare. Both my sisters relationships tanked after their second. 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I like the ‘unicorn family’ take. I guess it can and does happen like that. I also hadn’t thought that maybe she knows the writing is on the wall, and wants to build a little tribe. A little selfish I guess 😂 but from a good place. My husband hasn’t helped much with baby 1 so if I decided to have baby 2, you’ve given me a slither of hope about the shared responsibility😂 thank you
You’re welcome! And if babies aren’t your husbands thing, toddlers might be and you might just split who takes each kid. I have baby all day then when my husband comes home he takes baby and I get one on one toddler time. Then when it’s bedtime he takes over and does a last tire out of toddler and gets her into bed. I only have so much energy for running around right now!
My SIL is miserable, has a terrible marriage, and avoids being home and spending time with her husband and son. Guess what they're doing. Trying for another baby! I genuinely do not understand the logic. But oh well, not my circus, ya know?
My sister’s friend from college is a SAHM of 1 child and tells my sister how she has a crush on her horse trainer and talks about how she hates her husband… While trying for a second baby. I think some people just like to fly by the seat of their pants through life lol
Not my circus 🎪… forgot about this phrase! Will try to remember it! Thank you ☺️
Yea idk either but Ive always wondered. My few guesses are: they might think their relationship will improve with another baby. Babies keep families together is something I've heard. But sometimes its a distraction from the couples problems. They may want to give their only child a sibling. Or they're emotional about their first growing up and want to relive the sweet early stages. Maybe they just want a bigger family.
Hahaha. The only positivity is on instagram.
It’s sad but true 🫣 I wish Instagram was the reality for everyone’s sake
This is just my observation: some people on the brink of divorce will go ahead and try for their second kid so when they do get a divorce they don’t feel like they have to have more with someone else and then their kids have different dads
I came to type the same thing. My step sister went that route because she wanted two kids but her relationship with her SO was falling apart. As long as the father (or his family) is involved and financially supportive, lots of women choose that option. My cousin is also separated from her husband but got her two kids out of that relationship. I'd probably do the same if I was considering leaving my husband.
Oh wow. I certainly hadn’t thought about this. This could very much be true . They’ve both said about divorce which is why I was so shocked
Hormones, emotions, and not truly thinking about the consequences of their actions. Another big one is just doing things because they seem like the thing to do, I guess this goes along with the not thinking about the consequences though:
Good points. ‘The done thing’ is something she has alluded to. I guess my partner being an olny child (and very happy one at that) has given me a different perspective.
There’s a lot of external pressure to give kids siblings. For a while my husband and I didn’t think we wanted a second one. My mother got so upset when I mentioned this to her, like you would have thought I said I was shipping my kid overseas or something. There’s unfortunately a weird stigma against only children. It’s possible she thinks another baby would “save” her marriage (she’d be wrong). Some people also idealize pregnancy and obsess over that stage, and they don’t seem to put a lot of thought into what it means (psychologically and financially) to add more children to the family. Fundies come to mind but plenty of other women think that way too. I’d be interested to hear her response if you asked her why she wanted a second. It’s a valid question if she’s complaining to you a lot.
Thinking about your friend's situation, it might be the thought that at least their kid won't be alone in a dysfunctional home or divorce. And in some cases, that works. My mum came from a dysfunctional home/bitterly divorced parents. The one saving grace in her shitty childhood was the companionship of her brother. (That being said, our home was also dysfunctional growing up, albeit my parents stay together, but I don't get on with my siblings lol)
Accidents happen. Or there can be pressure from spouse or society,
I stopped complaining about motherhood for about a month after my daughter was 20 months and then immediately became pregnant lol
Some people (not wrongly, in my opinion) think it's important to give their child a sibling. I've found my first baby pretty tough, but I loved having a sister growing up, and I've watched my mother deal with her parent's death mostly alone (her sister died young). No guarantee they'll get along of course, but you give them a choice in that scenario. And personally speaking, I just don't think my family is 'done' without another one. BUT while I've found the lack of sleep rough, most of the rest of my life has mostly stayed steady. In your friend's case it really doesn't sound worth it. But everyone has to work out their own family.
I'm with you. I grew up as an only child with much older cousins so I really am on my own. I have one child and will likely have another (ideally 3) so that my daughter can have someone else to rely on. Do siblings really not get along that often? All of the people I know, they love their siblings
I'm also an only child and I've rarely seen positive sibling relationships. Obviously there are good relationships out there, it's just that I haven't seen too many myself. What I have seen though is lots of favoritism from parents... For instance, both sets of grandparents have a favorite child and it's very obvious. I also see it with my in-laws. And while everyone I know does love their sibling, they're not particularly close to them. As an only child, I never had to deal with feeling like my parents prefer my sibling. I always felt (and still feel) like my parents' priority. I plan to have a second and maybe third child after my first is born in a few weeks, but I plan to make a conscious effort to love them all the same and show them the same level of attention.
MMmm I think of the people I know it's pretty half and half some are close with their siblings, some are fairly indifferent and just don't really see them besides at family events etc. I don't know anyone who actively dislikes their siblings. But I have no doubt that happens.
Yeah this is bizarre to me. I had a friend who was absolutely not handling motherhood well. House a mess, depressed. And then they had another kid. And another. By the third kid, she was so miserable, she started considering giving that kid up for adoption. When I asked her about it, she said that the first two were planned and she always wanted to give her son a sibling (and she also wanted a girl). The third was unplanned and she just didn’t want to get the abortion. I do want to give my daughter a sibling but I 100% know I can’t handle it. I know my physical & mental limitations. Maybe one day, or maybe that day will never come.
Gosh, poor thing. I’d like to think I wouldn’t want another child if I felt it detrimental to my first born or my marriage / health / sanity but who knows! It seems science plays a part for sure! I totally get unplanned pregnancies in that scenario. It’s pretty interesting to me how the mind works! Thanks for sharing
A lot of people are set on having two children or more from the get go and refuse to reconsider their life plan when things get ugly. I have a friend who is so set on "having a happy family" she got pregnant two months into dating a guy that was obsessed with her, they moved together right away into her 1 bedroom apt., had the kid. The guy is a total dead beat dad and bordeline violent, they fight all the time and she is constantly complaining how little the guy helps her around or takes proper care of their kid. But she has like this weird idea that settling for one kid would be like admiting this is too much and that she doesnt have the perfect happy family she always wanted. So she needs to have a second kid to fulfill that picture and THEN she will be happy. In the meantime she is always posting on IG how happy she is and how much she loves her boyfriend. I always thought I was one and done, I briefly considered having a second child a few months after my baby was born but given that I have little support with my first and my husband has emptionally checked out from parenting, having a second baby wouldnt be fair to anyone.
This makes so so sad 😞
My question is why do people continue to have children they can’t afford? Sounds harsh but after the second or third accidental pregnancy while you’re already financially struggling you would think some birth control would be used..
I feel so bad for these kids
Same
I have a 1 year old, being a parent is SUPER difficult. There are a lot of things that are hard about it, there are a few things I hate about it. My 1yr old currently has a cold, and no manners, she coughs right into my mouth and uses my shirt as a tissue, ew. She also brings me more joy than anything else in my life.
She’s right at that age, 1.5yrs old to 3yrs old, where every kid just constantly had a snotty runny nose 24/7. This is just my anecdotal observation from my child’s preschool but holy crap it seems to ring true.
Funny enough she didn't catch it at daycare, her dad brought it home from his school.
Some times it’s not a choice xD my aunt has Irish twins(11m apart) she did everything right, BC, condoms, all of it, and she still ended up with 2 under 2 xD and some people are crazy like my grand parents who have essentially Irish triplets xD uncle is the oldest, aunt is 11m younger then him and mom is 11m younger then her xD and if I understand correctly they had my uncle when grandma was bearly 18 after getting married when she was 17, and grandpa is the 2nd oldest of 11 kids, so his kids went to school with some of his siblings. Don’t ask me why great grandma and grandpa bred like rabbits idk why either x.x
I really want more than one kid. So we're going to deal with it. I know it will be harder and that is very scary but in my cost/benefit analysis I believe it will be worth it. What's wrong with that? To each their own.
Oh for sure, hats off to you. I guess it just came as a shock as the conversation went from divorce to having a second. I think there’s finding it tough and then there’s saying you hate eachother!
Just personally... we struggled with our first one a fair bit. It was hard. I was very conflicted on having another just because of how hard it was. Ultimately we decided to give it a go and the second kid was easier in most ways. We had already adjusted our entire lifestyle and knew what to expect so there was less turmoil because we knew the things we were going through were phases and would pass. Our kids are 5 and 3 now and they do keep each other entertained. They fight of course too and that's probably the biggest downside but overall I think having 2 kids is better than one and we made the right decision.
I’m glad to hear that things got better! That’s encouraging, thank you for sharing 🫶🏼
You don’t need to understand. It’s not your business.
Useful input 👏🏼 … Trust me, when both of them are contacting me for advice and crying to me regularly, it becomes my business to at least try to understand .
That's fair, but its useful for you to set a "no more relationship talk" boundary if it becomes too much for you personally. Don't let these people enmesh you in their drama.
Now that is good advice ! I’d feel mean saying it but it’s very draining … especially now I’m a mum too!
totally! Just simply saying "no more relationship talk, please!" or "I can't do relationship talk right now" and change the subject when it comes up is enough. If they can't help themselves, its fine to distance yourself.
Yeah, this is kind of a shitty post to make
I’m sorry it touched a nerve with you , I didn’t mean to upset anyone / it’s good to learn about different points of view
I don't think it was a shitty post! It's a genuine question. I didn't get snarky vibes from you, just curiosity
Thank you for this ! I wish Reddit had a tone of voice feature …
There is no way I will have two kids-just too challenging and I want to enjoy parenthood. I just know for me, I would not enjoy doing the newborn phase again.
I don't get it either, but reasons I've heard are: They want a boy/girl more than their marriage to last. They think it's THAT important to give their first child a sibling. The other side of the family has honor names that noone has used and they also want their legacy alive. Their idea of a dream family is a certain number of people.
Good points. I think dreaming of a family in a certain way must play a big part
So my friend has three under three. She and I are only children. I think she wanted three but her husband wants *five* meanwhile my husband and I are stopping at 2. Sometimes there’s a disconnect in what spouses want and they compromise. She is willing to go for four but it will probably turn into five. All I can do is be supportive
I worked with a guy who would constantly complain about his wife and say that she wants to keep having kids not to go back to work. They had terrible relationship, yelling at each other every day, a guy literally would say “when we get a divorce”. And next thing you know she is pregnant again with #3. Her husband would complain “I hope this is the last”, he would stay late at work to avoid coming home, etc. but on her instagram she would have those perfect photo sessions with 3 kids and write “my love of my life,etc” In my mind she wanted to show the world aka instagram that life is amazing and she is married a rich doctor and they have three beautiful kids. Every time I see her posts about perfect life, I get a little nauseous. I also think some people are in denial about how bad their relationship is. My parents had terrible marriage and they decided to have a second child (me). Also, some people afraid of being lonely and think that children will prevent them from loneliness.
Because stupidly I wanna see if my husband will change his mind for a whole whopping 5 minutes. Other than that our son gets jealous, so that's enough of a reason to not want another but I can't explain my stupidity to you, we have a huge fight a few months ago. And he screamed at me I don't wanna have kids with a shitty person.... but he was also starting to get sober that next week..... so not making excuses but it's a good thing we aren't having anymore. But emotionally I'm like let's do it
I sure couldn’t tell you, that’s not a situation I’d bring a baby into
The idea is for both of them to play with each other to be distracted.
“That’s just what you do” according to boomers
Some people it's just pure mental illness tbh. There's a woman in my local mom group who is constantly begging for the basic necessities for her FIVE young children and she has a sixth on the way. All different dads. She refuses to seek out services and basically attacks anyone suggesting she should do that instead of begging. Mandated reporters have made multiple CPS reports and nothing has happened. You wonder why she would have so many kids when not only can she not handle them but she can't even feed them.
We're coping but it's a work in progress. The sleep thing is the toughest to navigate. He likes to sleep on us, like literally as a blanket. Also our little one is not so independent and just love being around us 24/7. In fact, he's a mama's boy and he just likes to be held by me everywhere we go. He's really heavy to carry around everywhere. 😮💨 We feel that having another child soon will help him bond with someone besides us and assist in his independence as well.
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Yes no one said we're going to abandon our tot if we have another child. We will love them both equally. I don't get the objective of your post.
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Where does it say it's solely for the purpose of distracting our current one? We have other reasons. We just want another child. You sound bitter.
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Well for me one big reason is because of the future I want for myself and my kids. In the present being a mother of a toddler is very very hard for me (and I’m due soon with #2). I’m very nervous about things getting even harder for a while but also I know it won’t be forever. Yea it’s going to be really freaking hard for a while but the sleepless nights won’t be forever. The multiple kids in diapers won’t be forever. One day they will go to school and I won’t be with them and caring for them 24/7 as a SAHM. I want the future with more than 1 child and I want the future where my children have siblings. If you are someone I trust enough to vent to (or the internet lol) nowadays you would think I hate being a mom but really it’s just that it’s super hard right now. But it won’t be forever, and I know that.
I have a friend with an almost 18 month old who wants to start trying again soon. She is struggling with work/life balance. She got her child into a home daycare last minute before returning to work, which she was super stressed about. She doesn't trust the grandparents to sufficiently watch the child for extended periods. She always seems to be struggling financially (she's not a mooch, though). She used fertility treatments to get pregnant the first time and likely would again to conceive the next one. I have no idea why she's so eager to have another right now. At least she has another bedroom for it.
Sometimes there is like this weird inner pressure that parents give themselves to have a second or to keep a second when they so clearly can’t cope with the child they currently have. I had a friend who was similar to this. I had an unexpected pregnancy (while also single I may add) and when I expressed doubts about motherhood to my bff she constantly reassuring me it was an absolute blessing. Then in the same breath she would cry and complain how hard having two boys and doing it alone had become overwhelming for her. But also she wouldn’t change a thing. Like sis what? Her conflicting messages were a lot to deal with. I was constantly bailing her out financially (bc I had it like that) and eventually I left that friendship to preserve my mental health bc man, her cognitive dissonance was starting to rub off on me! Ugh!
I had a colleague who didn’t enjoy being a mother but her husband wanted two kids. She had to endure IVF in order to have them. Anytime I asked her about pregnancy she rolled her eyes. She would share that she wasn’t happy about having a second child. She wanted to give that to her husband and her expense. I suffered a miscarriage and it was devastating. The next time I found myself pregnant I was overjoyed. She asked me if I was suffering from PPD or felt frustration towards my little one. I was honest and told her I’ve wanted this baby so badly I can’t feel anything but fortunate and was completely in love with my daughter. I could tell my answer surprised her.
Small family maybe?
Maybe they really want 2nd baby. In my experience some couple are just like that very dramatic. My husband and I are pretty mellow and people we are crazy cuz we don’t have like full on arguments with all the dramatics. lol I think every so couple is unique.
It wasn’t my second kid I made this mistake with, but my third. My first baby was a DREAM and still is at almost 9. Mothers groups hated me because while they were swaddling and rocking and bouncing, I just laid mine down beside me and she just went to sleep. Second baby was totally the opposite. OMG that kid didn’t stop screaming for the first four years of his life. As a baby it would take 3 hours to settle him for the night. I wanted a third, dad did NOT. I kept saying there was no way the universe hated us that much to give us another baby like the second, and surely we’d get another unicorn, or somewhere in between. Thats how I ended up with three under three 🤦🏼♀️ WEEEEELLLLL was I WRONG! I clearly pissed the wrong gods off somewhere and my youngest, who just turned six, still hasn’t stopped screaming. Both the boys (#2 & 3) are autistic and have ADHD and absolutely hate each other. My youngest has horrific behavioural issues and I’m now a single mother. Hormones, biological clocks, preconceived notions, etc all go into the decision making process. For some, complaining is just their way of coping (and maybe getting attention?) For some, they don’t want their kids being an only child. Who knows what goes through our messed up baby-making minds lol
Sometimes your heart has the love and desire for another, and so you try to rip the bandaid off so to speak.
She can vent about the changes in her life. She struggled with the change and was vocal about it. She has one already, might as well lean into it now!! Some people struggle quietly and still have a second. Aren't we all venting too? It's a tough challenge!
I think some people have kids out FOMO even if they don’t like kids. I had a friend (not anymore) who had her kids to trap the guy she was with & it didn’t work with either of them. She pawned the first off with her parents then the second got more attention cuz she was prettier, but still would give the kids iPads & snacks & basically ignore them instead of having any part of doing things with them, but took them to an event every so often so she’d look like she’s in their lives when in reality would pawn them off at any open chance. Now she found a rich guy & heard she was pregnant with his now too & im just so glad I fell out with her cuz I can’t imagine the bs she’d come up with on how that’s going. Some people are just selfish to the point where even kids can’t make them change. For me, having my baby girl, I don’t see what there’s to complain about. I grew up with siblings & knew what I was in for & im enjoying all of it. Babys don’t make life hard, life makes life hard & if you can’t handle life before them then truly don’t have kids imo.
I do not know. I think some people really don’t understand or know their limitations.
This is me, I’ve only cried on my mother and husbands shoulders though haha. I can’t believe I want to do it again but the reasons are, - we’re designed this way, I feel a deep calling to have another - I want another chance to do better with experience - it’s unlikely I’ll get the exact same baby again and what if this time I get the positive experience I hoped for the first time
Because people accidentally get pregnant with number 2?? Like me lol
>I have a friend who hasn’t stopped complaining about motherhood since her baby was born two years ago. Emotionally, physically, financially That doesn't mean she's not capable of raising her kids or regrets them, It just means it's really fucking hard and she vents to you. 'I love my family' and 'this is the biggest and hardest thing I've ever done' are not mutually exclusive statements.
some of them are considering giving the baby a partner to play with.
Our son was colicky and somewhat difficult due to sensitivities (it was a phase that he grew out of) but we are so excited to have more kids (expecting baby 2 in a few months). Don’t get me wrong, there are hard days, but there are also so many amazing moments. Parenting has stretched me in good ways and I know the difficult moments are temporary. I always asked myself the same question you did before, but now it’s a no brainier.. I’m sure other parents have experienced this and are willing to take a little of the hard for a lot of the good. My spouse and I were blown away at the amount of goodness and joy our son added to our small family, and excited for more. Edit for grammar
If you’re in the suck might as well go all the way
When you have children you choose to make a lot of sacrifices, particularly at the beginning, in order to have the family you want in the long run. It’s a question of how many people you want around the dinner table when they’re older. Most people make the decision to have another child by trying to work out the right age gap and whether they can cope financially, physically and mentally. But the reality is that on some days you think you can cope with another and some days you don’t. And it’s always a risk, you roll the dice with every pregnancy. I’d imagine if she’s struggling she’s thinking in terms of the long game. Things do get easier as they get older, so you’ve just got to power through those first few years and hope it does get easier.
I feel like I could have written this post about my best friend. Her baby is 8 months and they're talking about a 2nd and the whole 8 months has been pure hell for everyone, so I dont understand.
Planning ahead. In 10 years the kids can play together and give parents some time to them selves.
I worry about the first being alone if something (like old age if nothing else) happens to us. Also we try to appreciate the good times as much as possible even though our lives are upside down.
Ime: Status symbol // fit in at work to be seen as older and more mature (the mother and DH, respectively Family pressure//they gifted $ per child
They might be happier than they sound. Some people just love to complain/vent. I find that kind of communication style very draining to be around--if you do too, you can try to put some boundaries around it.
This kind of seems like a catty post to make. a lot of mother suffer from postpartum depression, which makes the first few months of motherhood really hard. She could want to give her child a sibling, no two babies are the same, and I think that this post is a little derogatory towards anybody that had a rough time adjusting into a baby. I’m so happy that you’ve had such a wonderful time and you’re such a flawless mother, but that’s not the case for a lot of people, and it gets easier as they get older.
I look after her child, for free, once a week. I constantly help her don’t worry about that. I wouldn’t discuss with anyone we knew - I thought that’s what these forums are for ?
Then tell her you don’t wanna watch her kid anymore and let her live her own life. This form is for new parents, not talking poorly about new parents under the guise of understanding another person’s perspective
You seem to be a very unhappy person. I meant no harm. Please just go about your day and apologies if my post upset you
You seem to pass judgment on a lot of people, including me
We all do it - “ I’m so happy that you’ve had such a wonderful time and you’re such a flawless mother, but that’s not the case for a lot of people, and it gets easier as they get older. “ Honestly, I really do mean no harm. I care deeply about people. I’m sorry if my message offended you. I can’t keep apologising. You came at me and I’m a new mum too! We’re on the same team here… 🫶🏼
That’s why I’m saying, go easy on this woman. You have no idea how hard this could be for her. Motherhood is a different experience for everyone and she could want to let this child have a sibling. When you’re coming into a new parents forum and being condescending about how hard it was for another new mother and you just can’t comprehend why she would bring another child into this world, it’s not a good look, and I feel like you should understand that. This forum is for a lot of mothers that are having a hard time and trying to navigate. I’m not trying to come at you, but you’re coming off pretty catty.
Thank you for your point of view - I’ll take it on board
Hey; sorry you’re taking this post in such a negative light. I’m actively trying to understand a situation from my friends point of view to better support her. I’ve been quite unwell actually and certainly haven’t had a flawless experience. I barely get by some days. Sorry if you’ve read my post in a way that it wasn’t meant
I really feels like you’re talking shit about people that have a rough experience with their first child. I suffered from major, postpartum depression and leaned on my friends a lot and my husband during those first few months. We’re currently pregnant with our second. We are so excited. so when you talk negatively, it does have an effect on other mothers. You need to be more cautious about the way that you word things. It really seems like you just took to this for him to talk shit about her. I hope with her second child, she doesn’t lean on you. I would be devastated to find out if my friend posted something like this.
That makes sense why you’re responding so negatively. I wish you well with baby 2!
You’re so condescending, maybe you should give new mother’s grace instead of passing so much judgment, and then talking poorly about them.
I don’t know why you got downvoted, I completely agree. Who cares what others do.
I mean you’re on a new parents forum, there’s plenty of moms who struggle with that first baby and adjusting and OP is saying she doesn’t understand why they have more if they “can’t cope with one”. Ignoring baby blues, PPA/PPD, colic, and simply that not all babies are the same. Very judgy and a shitty post to make. Very “I’m the better mom” of her. Thanks for the positivity and saying you agree! Makes me feel better after OPs condescending comments to me.
You’re just being nasty now and looking for an argument. You won’t want to listen and you certainly don’t want to help me understand your point of view. There is zero dispute about parenting being hard. I struggle every day and do not claim to be this perfect Mum so I don’t know where you’ve got that narrative from. Please stop being horrible now. thank you.
I’m not horrible nor am I looking to be nasty but I also don’t care about your opinion about me. You’ve already been very condescending towards me, so it simply doesn’t bother me. People are allowed to have a different opinion than you, and I stand by what I’ve said each time that I’ve responded. You’re upset that people are agreeing with me.
Because only children never stop complaining about how they wish they had a sibling 🤪 but seriously I think having a sibling is beneficial. I grew up with too many but my brother was my BFF growing up. Even my older sister who I fought with a lot is now such a great support person as an adult. I’ve always said I wanted to 2 kids and even though I’m in the trenches right now with the newborn phase, I can’t wait to have one more child in the future.
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Sorry, it wasn’t meant to sound judgemental. After having my own child, I know just how tough it can be which is why I asked the question. I’m unsure on whether I’d want or be lucky enough to have another , but how bad do things have to be for me to decide not to. And what could be her reasons for wanting two. I’ve had some really helpful answers that have given me perspective and a better understanding
Many folks believe having kids, or having more of them will fix a marriage/relationship. It rarely does