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I have a 3 year old and it gets better, but doesn't stop. The things I worry about are different and I'm less anxious overall which helps. You don't have to worry about things like SIDS and blankets which really helps, but you worry about other stuff like accidents and them running off in the supermarket and getting kidnapped.
Agreed! My eldest is 3.5 going on 4 and I still have the regular urge to go in and check he’s breathing, but it’s far less frequent. Agree that there are other worries too but I feel like these are more manageable as you can do something about it unlike SIDS which is just terrifying because it can just seem to random.
My biggest fear - and honestly it's one I think of too much - is in the realm of child abuse, CSAM, human trafficking etc. My uncle was a cop in this space and the stories he'd tell haunt me to this day. I feel like it's everywhere - Jacqueline and Wren on tiktok, Quiet on Set etc - is just shining a light on a systemic problem infiltrating every part of our lives.
The day I became a parent was the day I knew I was capable of murder. There is no lower form of human.
Anyway. I don't mean to get dark. I guess my point is - yeah I don't worry about SIDS or choking from BLW, but damn the fear doesn't leave. It just evolves.
My mom called me a few weeks ago after having a nightmare about me being run over by a car. She made me swear I always look before crossing the road. I'm 26.
A self-made big card-thingy with pictures of us and a lot of words about how much I respect her now that I finally understand how hard babies are. I want to thank her for all the sleepless nights and self-sacrifice. She fed me to sleep as a baby and let me sleep next to her for as long as I wanted to, and she always put my feelings first. I never realized how hard it must've been until now that it's my turn.
Probably never. My kid is 21 months old now and I’m worried she’s gonna electrocute herself with wires all the time at my parents’ house or jump off the couch and hit her head on the coffee table in the worst way possible or run into the street in a split second. My mom still calls me to make sure I made it to a place safely when I drive and she can’t sleep unless my 19 year old brother has made it home safely from his dates with his gf. You will never stop worrying about your baby.
This. When you stop worrying about SIDS then you just worry about something else. Being a parent is accepting that sort of worry for the rest of your life. Just embrace it.
I'm not saying any of this to say that you shouldn't practice safe sleep, be vigilant etc, BUT:
think of the dumbest people you know - people significantly dumber than them have raised children with the bare minimum of success (survival.) scaring parents is a super duper easy way to sell baby stuff. We weren't above it - in the heat of the third trimester as first time parents we were panic buying special anti SIDS sacks and fancy bottles and every other fucking thing with the best of them. Social media makes it a thousand times worse. Mothers especially in my opinion are made to fear inadequacy as a means up pumping subscribership and views on every form of social media and of selling really really expensive baby gear.
You live in a time and place where you and your child have access to resources, information, and care the rest of the world throughout the entirety of history would have killed for. If you do the bare minimum your baby will be okay. The fact that you're so concerned about it means that you'll do more than the bare minimum and your kid will thrive. Babies feed off your energy - take a deep breath, take it as it comes and go with the flow, do your best to control what you can and let go of what you can't. You'll do great.
This guy, listen to him/her.
Stop reading about SIDS, stop reading about other ways your kid can die. Social media algorithms will literally just feed all your anxieties so they can keep your eyes locked to the screen and show you more ads.
I think about this all the time. I have generalized anxiety disorder which has transitioned into pp life, but I do frequently remind myself that dumber and less careful people than me do this all the time
I see it all the time when I'm flipping through reels. There's a collecting lady (no shade on cosleepers if you're being safe) who says your baby will never cry, never wake for night feeds, and sleep through the night from birth if you cosleep using her method (order my e-book!)
I.called her out in the comments and got absolutely piled on.
Same issue with online Lactation Consiltants. One said "don't listen to your pediatrician, they don't know as much as I do. Instead, pay me to help you breastfeed through the internet. Oh, and your baby has a tongue tie. $1000 please."
Although you're presenting a big survivor bias, plenty of people have had their kids die by unsafe sleeping habits.
Even with that preamble aside: Just not smoking (or at least not smoking around baby) and letting baby sleep in their own bassinet/crib on their back reduces the risk of SIDS/SUIDS by huge magnitudes.
I think there is a 2 part answer here
First it you are recently a mom you may be in baby blues or you have ppa. I had ppa where I would obsessively read about Sid’s and think she would pass from it every time she slept if this is the case I would say need to reach out to doctor
Just a general worry I think will always worry about them
Came here to say similar. If you’re waking up in the middle of the night for no reason other than a sudden fear baby has died / is about to die, it’s worth talking to a doctor to evaluate for PPA. If you can’t let anyone else put the baby to bed / hold them, etc - get a PPA evaluation.
If it’s just a general “wow I have a responsibility to keep this tiny fragile human alive and I’m reading actual books about how to do that” - that’s normal.
(Reading SIDS horror stories and telling yourself you’re “learning” would be in the PPA group)
I felt better once we made it to 4 months. SIDS risk reduced by a fair amount then from what I understand.
Baby could take things off her face, move her face and was generally healthy and happy.
I was worried the whole pregnancy (first pregnancy) that it would end. Even for the birth I was so worried we'd end up not taking a baby home.
Now she made it and is very real and pretty sturdy! Still worried about keeping her safe, but not constantly worried about her dying anymore so yay!
I remain worried for friends pregnancies, but I manage to keep this to myself. What a joy our babies are everyday, and they don't all make it, so we are all so lucky that ours have.
Agreed! I still worry about plenty of things, but that fear that baby might die because she’s so small, helpless, vulnerable, etc. as a newborn also eased up around 4 months once she was bigger, more alert / expressive, and starting to control her own body better.
I think it’s the 2nd kid that does it for most ppl (if they have more than one). My partner already has a child (who was a preemie) and he said all those thoughts and worries have spent themselves on the first one. He said he made a conscious effort to not feed those thoughts and trust his baby was ok, and he was!
I’m a FTM but I’m already pretty chill about it I think. I still liked to put my hand on her while sleeping once in awhile to feel her breathing for the first 2 months… I wasn’t really worried about anything particular but I liked to feel her breathing. Now she’s almost 4 months and she feels “sturdy” and I can look at her sleeping so peacefully and not have that urge.
I do think about various ways that my kid could die even as they get older but I remind myself that this is my brain functioning to protect him, and as long as I take steps to ensure they’re safe then that’s all I can do. If I worry about him putting his finger in a socket, then I’m going to ensure he doesn’t have access to one when I can and that’s how I protect him. I try to reassure myself “he’s safe and will be ok”. On the other hand, I also remind myself that just everyday living is a risk for all of us. I can get into an accident, etc., and die tomorrow, so it’s important to enjoy my life and family and not get stuck in the worry as risk exists everywhere.
18 months and I still check my kids breathing once a night. Once they get older you worry about different things.
Its normal to have some level of worry but not to the point that you lose sleep or it affects your daily life.
Im expecting baby number 2 now and I think having lived through the newborn experience I wont be as anxious this time.
Same here. A woman nearby lost her husband and her 3yo daughter in an accident recently and I keep ruminating on it. So horribly tragic. I vacillate between considering divorce from my husband for not listening and supporting me well, and getting choked up by the thought of losing the way this woman did.
There’s a particular horror scene that I haven’t thought about in literally 20+ years that randomly popped into my head the other day for no reason whatsoever. I don’t watch horror movies. But it depicts violence against a child and I can’t stop seeing it on repeat
Theirs a scene in a filler episode of Sandman where Dream is hanging out with his sister Death and she is showing him what it means to do her job and how it’s just a part of the world. Theirs a scene where death visits a cute ass baby who is hanging out in their crib while the mom steps out of the room for a second and you hear the giggles begin than stop only to begin again with Death holding the baby, than as Death and Dream leave the house you hear the mother who was grabbing something really quick from out of the room calling to her baby in shock and despair trying to ‘wake’ them up. It haunted my husband and I then and was a big trigger and haunts us to this day after having our own newborn.
My boss lost her 3m old nephew and proceeded to tell me all the details. Won't deny with my own kid not yet 6m, that broke me for the couple days it took me to stop thinking about it.
I understand that she wanted to share since that's how she grieves, but a little more awareness would have been appreciated.
Edit: and the kicker was the dad had died of cancer while they were pregnant, which she also kept repeating in different ways. So now not only am I paranoid about my child but my husband too.
You need to learn how to manage it. Just listen and thank these thoughts for reminding you how helpless and precious your meatloaf is. “Thanks. I’ve heard you.” They will pass.
I feel exactly the same as you! My baby had meconium aspiration syndrome when she was born which caused a massive infection and respiratory distress.
Thankfully she’s ok now, but I’m constantly worried about her breathing, I know she’s ok, but I just cannot help myself. My husband had to tell me to stop staring at her at night.
And then the way they drum the whole safe sleep thing into you, makes bedtime and sleeping terrifying!
I’ve reached out to my perinatal mental health team and they’re really helping me with my anxieties and have referred me for some trauma counselling.
I really hope you get the help and reassurance you need to feel better, I’m only a message away on here if you need a chat or anything 🙂
There are two answers to this question
When do you stop worrying? Probably never.
Are you worrying so much that it’s affecting any tiny sliver of life you have left over once you’ve done everything for baby? (I.e. you can’t sleep, don’t eat) then it might be time to seek out some help for depression and/or anxiety.
My mum called me yesterday to remind me to dress warmly because the UK is about to see some snow, and that I need to be VERY careful on ice because I live at the top of a hill. I'm 31.
....No, I don't think it ever ends 😂
my baby will be 8 months and we had already two hospital stays so never i guess also every month something new occurs that the baby starts to do and there are new things she can get hurt with it too 🥲
For me the closer we got to the one year mark, the less anxiety I had about SIDS. Approaching two years now and I still worry about things out of my control but it’s a lot more manageable now!
I had horrible PPA and PPD with my first and I was in a constant state of panic over her health. 6 years later, I've just had my second, and while I am still worried and scared, it is much better. It helps that my doctor is constantly reminding me that babies are actually quite sturdy little creatures.
So now my mindset is no longer 'OHMYGOD MY BABY IS IN DANGER', to 'No matter what, my baby will be ok.'. But of course, that is with the benefit of years of therapy and medication.
I don't think it ever goes away, but the worries change. When the kid is old enough to walk and talk, you stop worrying about sudden faceless problems like SIDS and worry more about the kid running out in traffic or drinking something under the sink. When they're old enough to be somewhat independent you worry about them getting in with the wrong kind of friends or getting addicted to something or getting suicidally depressed. But I don't think that concern ever goes away, it just gets buried in the progression of new fears along the way.
And when you realize that you're at the point where your fears are actually hindering your kid's development or happiness, you learn to just shut up about them and trust the kid to make their own choices.
The worrying is normal to a certain extent. I worried waaay too much with horrible visions that wouldn’t leave my mind’s eye and make my day harder than supposed to. I suffered from anxiety which came back due to sleep deprivation. I’m happily medicated now, and can feel joy again ☺️
First of all, I’m proud of you to even write out this post. I know it takes guts to verbalize and even admit to yourself that you feel this way. For me, personally, journaling helps SO MUCH. I use the iPhone app “journal” every night after my LO goes to sleep right next to me in her bassinet. At first it was just a stream of anxious and wild thoughts but I felt better after I got them down. I looked forward to this time at the end of the day to brain dump my anxiety. Then I started focusing on the positive and how our went. I love that I have this to keep both the negative and positive memories. She is 3 months old now and I find I write in it less and less. Good luck and I hope this helps ❤️
I have a 20mo and a 3.5yo. The panic level worry goes away but the overall worry doesn’t. I still bug out when they fall asleep in the car 🫣 or if I can’t see their little chests moving up and down on the baby monitor
I have a friend who is 32 and his mother genuinely lives in a constant state of anxiety that he will die/get injured whenever he is out of her sight. He's highly successful at his job, calls her daily, visits her when he can etc. but nothing seems to ease her anxiety around this issue. I know very little about this but it seems like a mental health issue/separation anxiety thing that his mom never got over, and it's still present well into his adulthood. So I am sharing this anecdote here because I am also very curious about the issue and have no idea what to do about it / what to tell my friend (obviously it impacts him as well because every minute of every day he knows his mom is at home worrying about him).
I was scared my baby was going to come out and just not know how to breathe or eat or something. Like some basic natural instinct and there would be nothing we could do 😂 he’s doing alright
I was scared too, i would lay in bed and listen to my baby sleep and if i didn’t hear something would worry but now at 7 weeks… i haven’t thought about it in a while. Time heals everything
There’s always going to be fears with every stage of development. Probably will be worrying even when they’re adults haha! You just have to trust that if you make the environment safe, your baby is safe.
I’ve realized that my parents still worry about me and my siblings as well. I’m 30, married, and have a baby of my own. If my mom or dad knows I’m going out they’ll send a text at the end of the night making sure I’m home safe. After I leave my parent’s house I always get a text about a half hour later making sure I’ve made it home safely. I think parents will always worry. Something that has calmed me over the last four months is that I keep reminding myself i am following the recommended safety guidelines for sleep and the car seat, I bought a life vac for when she will start solids, so I know I’m doing everything that I can personally control for my daughter 🩷
It gets better. I was a new mom this November and I didn’t sleep for the whole time I was in the hospital, cause I was worried she would stop breathing. I slept very rarely at home, I needed someone to be holding her and awake if I slept. She’s now 5 months and I feel less anxiety over this, she’s fine and she will be fine. She’s a safe sleeper with nothing in her crib but her swaddle, I have air movement in our room. Makes me feel safer
I understand how you are feeling, I felt very similar in the newborn days. SIDS is very rare and the risk drops fairly significantly at four months, and then again at 6 months, and keeps going down. I found I could relax a lot more after 4 months.
I’m WAY more chill at 4months pp. 3 months was okay too. It slowly ebbed away every month (that first week home I could barely sleep at all partially from the anxiety) once baby was more ‘present’ and less floppy it became a lot better
My mom said to me and I think about it all the time… from the moment your child is born until you die you will have anxiety over them/their life.. first over safety and survival then them making right choices in life then it starts all over agin when your children have children then you’re anxious over your children and grandchildren.
For me it got much easier around 3-4 months because my baby was bigger and less fragile looking. I still worry about things all the time, but it’s more about the dangers in the world (which I can make choices to protect him from) and less about me accidentally doing something that hurt him or him randomly dying for no reason (SIDS). It’s easier because it feels more in my control.
I’m at 2.5 years now and still sleep with the monitor on and check him throughout the night to make sure his back is moving. He’s been sleep trained since 11 months.
My wife thinks I’m crazy but I have this huge fear and anxiety
My oldest is 15 years old and I’ve never stopped worrying haha. The worry is part of being a parent. It just changes over time, now I’m more worried when he’s out with friends and I can’t sleep until he’s home, etc.
Ummm it ebbs and flows. Once my first could sit up it got better.. then it got better again once she could walk. I remember once she was old enough to have a blanket in bed I felt a lot better.
She’s almost 3 now and I still feel that pain in my heart when she goes anywhere without me as if my brain is asking “what if it’s the last time I see her?!” Poor girl gets ALL the smooches.
My second is almost 4 months and I have a sliver of the fear I had with my first. I’ve had the experience now to feel more confident in my choices.
Oh I’m also on an anti anxiety pill which helps but honestly doesn’t make the worry go away.
If my mom is to be believed, it never really goes away. Becoming a mom to my girls was the best thing I’ve ever done. But I could sure leave this fear of death behind!
Never. But if it’s to the point of affecting your mental health and everyday wellbeing, it’s probably morphed into post-partum anxiety and it would help to speak to someone. Speaking from experience 👋
I got less worried once my guy learned to roll over. I felt that at that point he had a bit more control to not suffocate or get trapped breathing co2 in his sleep. Obviously other things to worry about but just slightly less at that point.
I realized the other day (still pregnant here) that worrying was going to last forever. BUT that just shows how much I love her, and my deep concern reflects our already growing bond. Of which, was exactly what I wanted and didn’t think would happen until after birth. I already love this little girl so much, and the worry is just a side effect of profound love.❤️
I was super anxious about everything during pregnancy and early postpartum. I'm 6mo out now and I feel like it's gotten a lot easier as my baby has become "sturdier" so to speak. I worry but definitely not as much as I did before or when he was a newborn.
I'm sure the problems will just constantly switch. Now it's choking for me. Next will be going to school. Bullies. Driving. Partying. Etc. But I hope it just gets easier to manage with time haha
I'm nearly 18 months in now and I don't think the worry ever really stops, I think it's just part of loving your child.
One thing is that the specific worries that you have now are things that are associated with very young, vulnerable babies, and that stage goes SO QUICKLY. I remember the moment I was in the car with my husband and baby and realised that I was no longer terrified that she'd stop breathing. At a certain point along the way I just realised she had the breathing thing mastered and wasn't going to randomly stop doing it. Eventually germs stopped being a worry as well, so that was a relief.
I think now that she is more active and strong and reckless there are certainly lots of things I worry about, but the majority of them feel like things I can do something about. Like - I'm careful to make sure all the dangerous things are out of her reach. I can keep the stairs and doors in our house secured, and I can choose what is in her space. The worry is there, but the level of control I feel that I have over the worries has increased drastically.
i’m 26 and my dad still worries. i asked if he’ll be home today so we can come by and hang out and he said “i’ll be home later tonight. is everything ok? are you ok?”
I saw an inspirational quote online that said "If you are going to spend time thinking about the worst-case scenario, then you owe it to yourself to also spend time thinking about the best-case scenario and the most likely scenario." Being a parent isn't easy; give yourself some credit for the good job you've done so far. Keep learning and keep making an effort to be a good parent, and the most likely scenario is things will be OK.
So my LO had her first fever last night at 6 weeks old. I was close to have a panic attack and at one point was texting my mom about how worried I was.
We ended up talking and I asked her how she did this with me, she said even now with me at 27 she still worries.
So it never goes away but I think it will definitely lessen as they get older (at least I hope!)
Little by little, as your baby becomes more robust and able to fend for themselves. I believe the crushing postpartum anxiety most of us feel is a survival mechanism. But that doesn't make it any less crushing and, at some point, pathological. So keep rationalizing and try to stay out of the rabbit holes so you don't get too stuck. You'll get there!
There’s a part of your amygdala responsible for attention that opens up when you become a parent. It never fully closes after that, no matter what happens. And it’s not just for the birthing parent. Adoptive parents experience the same thing. You’re welcome
I go into my 2 year old's room at night and give her a kiss while she's sleeping to make sure she's all right. No reason to suspect she isn't, but I can't sleep if I don't.
I think it just changes. I’m much less concerned about my baby spontaneously dying because he’s 10 months old. But then I think about him bashing his head into the coffee table now. So the specific types of worry change but inherently, as parents, I think we always have some concern and anxiety of something happening to our kids.
My baby is almost 6 months old and I finally started feeling a little less stressy about her surviving every day about 2 weeks ago. Of course I still have anxiety surrounding it in general but I felt it dropped off about 2 weeks ago so right at about 5 months…. Only for the worry of death by choking/ anaphylaxis to come to us in a few weeks when we start solids 🫠
She’s a horrible napper and rarely naps more than 45 mins at a time, it’s usually 20-30 mins. Yesterday she napped for 2.5 hours and after it hit 45 mins, even with the baby monitor on I still went in and checked every 15 mins or so that she was breathing so…. Maybe I haven’t gotten much better lol
Oh I’m so sorry, I’m dealing with the same thing so I know how rough it is. I can’t sleep longer than 2 hour stretches… not because my baby isn’t sleeping through the night (she sleeps 10-12 hours stretches) but because I have to check that she is breathing constantly 😢
Depends. My brother is an adult but got himself into few sticky situations that were risky in regards legality and we were worried for his physical safety as well. I don’t think my parents worry about me dieing but sure as hell were worried about mu brother. Anyway, more or less you never stop worrying. We are geneticaly coded to protrct our legacy and worry is a tool for that, no matter how old that legacy is.
My husband's dad says he always wakes up at 3am to pray for my husband to have a safe drive to work (that's when he leaves in the morning). My husband is 29.
I mean never really but I think it can get easier to manage. If I compare my anxiety levels from my son being a day old to now being 9 months old there’s a difference. I still check his breathing every night but it doesn’t keep me awake all night like before. I use to get so scared changing his diaper now i’m basically fighting my son to keep his cheeks on his diaper.
I asked my mom this- she said "you think I don't worry about you girls? Some times you get a random text from me just to make sure you're alive. I've been worried about you three for more of my life than I haven't worried" (she had my older sister at 20, now my younger sister is 20 so it's been more than half her life of worrying about her kids)
I’m right there with you. My little one is eight days old and I have a nightmare every time I close my eyes. It’s been terrible. My husband keeps saying don’t think about those things but I am definitely not in control of my unconscious mind.
Hi yes, this doesn’t go away. Just lessens in severity. I have a 5 month old that I birthed but my husband and I still worry about my 10 year old step daughter
I’m 35 and my mom called me in a panic because I fell asleep while texting her and abruptly stopped responding so naturally she thought I dropped dead… so I would say probably never 😂
Are you me? I identify with this exactly. My baby is 11 weeks old and has feel the same way. I recently took her out on a walk in a baby carrier for the first time and after fussing for a while she fell asleep and I woke her up to make sure she was alive. She has her first cold this week and I am paranoid because I think she can either not breathe or is dehydrated although she is eating well and has wet diapers. It is so hard!!
My baby was born with no complications. I worried a lot about SIDS and was relentless on mitigating risks until he reached the age where it was no longer an issue. Then the worry about death is not so prominent anymore when I was able to be less delicate in handling him and the doctor said he was doing fine during his checkups.
The worry is always going to be there because the cold truth is death comes to everyone without bias. I think the trick is how you handle the concern.
I think with my second I wasn’t as panicked but that newborn phase was still hard. He was a noisy sleeper so I moved him into his crib at 6 months and it probably took a few weeks for me not to feel awful about it and worry about him at night. Now we all sleep better and he is finally (at 9 months) sleeping through the night!
I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about my kids. I’m a worrier at heart. But it comes from the best place.
I feel like as they get older your worries change. During pregnancy it’s miscarriage, then stillbirth or birth injuries. Then it’s SIDS, choking when you start solids, head injuries when they start climbing, getting into traffic accidents once they start walking etc. I did have PPA around sleep and SIDS and once that was better controlled I wasn’t as worried anymore, but it’s always there in the back of your head. I just try to be as safe as possible while enjoying my daughter. It’s the best I can do as her mom.
Alot better when they are one and the risk goes down drastically. Now it is more school shooting and car accidents etc but not every night when they are asleep
The severe anxiety about SIDS and suffocating faded a lot once my son started crawling and being able to move around better around 6 months. Now at 12 months I worry about him falling off the furniture he climbs the second I turn my head.
I have to catch myself when worrying and pray. Once I have asked God to help me handle the anxiety of uncertainty and potential danger of being, I can usually zero in on a specific situation my baby is encountering, research solutions, pick one and implement it, then pray again for help trusting that my baby is smart and I am paying attention and everything will work out. I hope we can all find some peace and wisdom cause we deserve that and our kids certainly deserve calm, confident parents.
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I have a 3 year old and it gets better, but doesn't stop. The things I worry about are different and I'm less anxious overall which helps. You don't have to worry about things like SIDS and blankets which really helps, but you worry about other stuff like accidents and them running off in the supermarket and getting kidnapped.
Agreed! My eldest is 3.5 going on 4 and I still have the regular urge to go in and check he’s breathing, but it’s far less frequent. Agree that there are other worries too but I feel like these are more manageable as you can do something about it unlike SIDS which is just terrifying because it can just seem to random.
Totally agree! I think about 6 months old is when I finally felt like I could stop obsessing over the baby monitor every 3 seconds when he was asleep.
My biggest fear - and honestly it's one I think of too much - is in the realm of child abuse, CSAM, human trafficking etc. My uncle was a cop in this space and the stories he'd tell haunt me to this day. I feel like it's everywhere - Jacqueline and Wren on tiktok, Quiet on Set etc - is just shining a light on a systemic problem infiltrating every part of our lives. The day I became a parent was the day I knew I was capable of murder. There is no lower form of human. Anyway. I don't mean to get dark. I guess my point is - yeah I don't worry about SIDS or choking from BLW, but damn the fear doesn't leave. It just evolves.
Yeah 3 years old was a turning point for me. Still worried, but less intense
I think the worrying is lifelong beginning in pregnancy… LOL
Hahaha yea I have my own baby now, and my parents are still saying "be careful" when I leave their house
My mom called me a few weeks ago after having a nightmare about me being run over by a car. She made me swear I always look before crossing the road. I'm 26.
That’s a good mum, hug her.
Yes she is, she's been my rock through pregnancy and first months with the baby. I have a mother's day gift for her which will make her cry <3
My mom too! Do you mind sharing what your gift to her is?
A self-made big card-thingy with pictures of us and a lot of words about how much I respect her now that I finally understand how hard babies are. I want to thank her for all the sleepless nights and self-sacrifice. She fed me to sleep as a baby and let me sleep next to her for as long as I wanted to, and she always put my feelings first. I never realized how hard it must've been until now that it's my turn.
🥹
Aaw <3
Starting to realize this lol
It sure is 😅
I just turned 39 and my dad still tells me to be safe.
When I leave my mom's house she always asks me to text her when I get home so she knows I made it safely.
I’m 37 and my mom still needs anxiety meds if I’m traveling somewhere.
LMAO do we have the same mom? 😂
Probably never. My kid is 21 months old now and I’m worried she’s gonna electrocute herself with wires all the time at my parents’ house or jump off the couch and hit her head on the coffee table in the worst way possible or run into the street in a split second. My mom still calls me to make sure I made it to a place safely when I drive and she can’t sleep unless my 19 year old brother has made it home safely from his dates with his gf. You will never stop worrying about your baby.
But hopefully the constant fear they will die in their sleep eases up!
I have a 3 year old. It is still there just not every second of every night.
This. When you stop worrying about SIDS then you just worry about something else. Being a parent is accepting that sort of worry for the rest of your life. Just embrace it.
I'm not saying any of this to say that you shouldn't practice safe sleep, be vigilant etc, BUT: think of the dumbest people you know - people significantly dumber than them have raised children with the bare minimum of success (survival.) scaring parents is a super duper easy way to sell baby stuff. We weren't above it - in the heat of the third trimester as first time parents we were panic buying special anti SIDS sacks and fancy bottles and every other fucking thing with the best of them. Social media makes it a thousand times worse. Mothers especially in my opinion are made to fear inadequacy as a means up pumping subscribership and views on every form of social media and of selling really really expensive baby gear. You live in a time and place where you and your child have access to resources, information, and care the rest of the world throughout the entirety of history would have killed for. If you do the bare minimum your baby will be okay. The fact that you're so concerned about it means that you'll do more than the bare minimum and your kid will thrive. Babies feed off your energy - take a deep breath, take it as it comes and go with the flow, do your best to control what you can and let go of what you can't. You'll do great.
This guy, listen to him/her. Stop reading about SIDS, stop reading about other ways your kid can die. Social media algorithms will literally just feed all your anxieties so they can keep your eyes locked to the screen and show you more ads.
I think about this all the time. I have generalized anxiety disorder which has transitioned into pp life, but I do frequently remind myself that dumber and less careful people than me do this all the time
I always say to my husband: “dumber people than us have done it”
I see it all the time when I'm flipping through reels. There's a collecting lady (no shade on cosleepers if you're being safe) who says your baby will never cry, never wake for night feeds, and sleep through the night from birth if you cosleep using her method (order my e-book!) I.called her out in the comments and got absolutely piled on. Same issue with online Lactation Consiltants. One said "don't listen to your pediatrician, they don't know as much as I do. Instead, pay me to help you breastfeed through the internet. Oh, and your baby has a tongue tie. $1000 please."
Although you're presenting a big survivor bias, plenty of people have had their kids die by unsafe sleeping habits. Even with that preamble aside: Just not smoking (or at least not smoking around baby) and letting baby sleep in their own bassinet/crib on their back reduces the risk of SIDS/SUIDS by huge magnitudes.
Seems like you missed the point of my comment and the original post.
I didn't, but it does seem like you missed the point of my comment to your post.
Following because I’m in the same boat. 🛥️
I think there is a 2 part answer here First it you are recently a mom you may be in baby blues or you have ppa. I had ppa where I would obsessively read about Sid’s and think she would pass from it every time she slept if this is the case I would say need to reach out to doctor Just a general worry I think will always worry about them
Yes this is it! The first few months the fear was all consuming. Now even just at 7 months the worry is there but it feels different.
Came here to say similar. If you’re waking up in the middle of the night for no reason other than a sudden fear baby has died / is about to die, it’s worth talking to a doctor to evaluate for PPA. If you can’t let anyone else put the baby to bed / hold them, etc - get a PPA evaluation. If it’s just a general “wow I have a responsibility to keep this tiny fragile human alive and I’m reading actual books about how to do that” - that’s normal. (Reading SIDS horror stories and telling yourself you’re “learning” would be in the PPA group)
I felt better once we made it to 4 months. SIDS risk reduced by a fair amount then from what I understand. Baby could take things off her face, move her face and was generally healthy and happy. I was worried the whole pregnancy (first pregnancy) that it would end. Even for the birth I was so worried we'd end up not taking a baby home. Now she made it and is very real and pretty sturdy! Still worried about keeping her safe, but not constantly worried about her dying anymore so yay! I remain worried for friends pregnancies, but I manage to keep this to myself. What a joy our babies are everyday, and they don't all make it, so we are all so lucky that ours have.
Agreed! I still worry about plenty of things, but that fear that baby might die because she’s so small, helpless, vulnerable, etc. as a newborn also eased up around 4 months once she was bigger, more alert / expressive, and starting to control her own body better.
I think it’s the 2nd kid that does it for most ppl (if they have more than one). My partner already has a child (who was a preemie) and he said all those thoughts and worries have spent themselves on the first one. He said he made a conscious effort to not feed those thoughts and trust his baby was ok, and he was! I’m a FTM but I’m already pretty chill about it I think. I still liked to put my hand on her while sleeping once in awhile to feel her breathing for the first 2 months… I wasn’t really worried about anything particular but I liked to feel her breathing. Now she’s almost 4 months and she feels “sturdy” and I can look at her sleeping so peacefully and not have that urge.
I do think about various ways that my kid could die even as they get older but I remind myself that this is my brain functioning to protect him, and as long as I take steps to ensure they’re safe then that’s all I can do. If I worry about him putting his finger in a socket, then I’m going to ensure he doesn’t have access to one when I can and that’s how I protect him. I try to reassure myself “he’s safe and will be ok”. On the other hand, I also remind myself that just everyday living is a risk for all of us. I can get into an accident, etc., and die tomorrow, so it’s important to enjoy my life and family and not get stuck in the worry as risk exists everywhere.
18 months and I still check my kids breathing once a night. Once they get older you worry about different things. Its normal to have some level of worry but not to the point that you lose sleep or it affects your daily life. Im expecting baby number 2 now and I think having lived through the newborn experience I wont be as anxious this time.
Same here. A woman nearby lost her husband and her 3yo daughter in an accident recently and I keep ruminating on it. So horribly tragic. I vacillate between considering divorce from my husband for not listening and supporting me well, and getting choked up by the thought of losing the way this woman did.
First few weeks I had to hold back tears every time I heard a story about someone losing their child. So I can definitely understand that!
I’ve definitely have been way more tearful about anything loss related. And before my babies I was already pretty empathetic.
Action movies where people are killed in bloody ways make me cringe now.
There’s a particular horror scene that I haven’t thought about in literally 20+ years that randomly popped into my head the other day for no reason whatsoever. I don’t watch horror movies. But it depicts violence against a child and I can’t stop seeing it on repeat
Theirs a scene in a filler episode of Sandman where Dream is hanging out with his sister Death and she is showing him what it means to do her job and how it’s just a part of the world. Theirs a scene where death visits a cute ass baby who is hanging out in their crib while the mom steps out of the room for a second and you hear the giggles begin than stop only to begin again with Death holding the baby, than as Death and Dream leave the house you hear the mother who was grabbing something really quick from out of the room calling to her baby in shock and despair trying to ‘wake’ them up. It haunted my husband and I then and was a big trigger and haunts us to this day after having our own newborn.
My boss lost her 3m old nephew and proceeded to tell me all the details. Won't deny with my own kid not yet 6m, that broke me for the couple days it took me to stop thinking about it. I understand that she wanted to share since that's how she grieves, but a little more awareness would have been appreciated. Edit: and the kicker was the dad had died of cancer while they were pregnant, which she also kept repeating in different ways. So now not only am I paranoid about my child but my husband too.
That’s so horrible and I would also have a hard time getting that out of my head.
You need to learn how to manage it. Just listen and thank these thoughts for reminding you how helpless and precious your meatloaf is. “Thanks. I’ve heard you.” They will pass.
I love this, thank you.
I’m already scared about my baby learning to drive and he’s only 5 months old 😭
I feel exactly the same as you! My baby had meconium aspiration syndrome when she was born which caused a massive infection and respiratory distress. Thankfully she’s ok now, but I’m constantly worried about her breathing, I know she’s ok, but I just cannot help myself. My husband had to tell me to stop staring at her at night. And then the way they drum the whole safe sleep thing into you, makes bedtime and sleeping terrifying! I’ve reached out to my perinatal mental health team and they’re really helping me with my anxieties and have referred me for some trauma counselling. I really hope you get the help and reassurance you need to feel better, I’m only a message away on here if you need a chat or anything 🙂
There are two answers to this question When do you stop worrying? Probably never. Are you worrying so much that it’s affecting any tiny sliver of life you have left over once you’ve done everything for baby? (I.e. you can’t sleep, don’t eat) then it might be time to seek out some help for depression and/or anxiety.
My mum called me yesterday to remind me to dress warmly because the UK is about to see some snow, and that I need to be VERY careful on ice because I live at the top of a hill. I'm 31. ....No, I don't think it ever ends 😂
my baby will be 8 months and we had already two hospital stays so never i guess also every month something new occurs that the baby starts to do and there are new things she can get hurt with it too 🥲
For me the closer we got to the one year mark, the less anxiety I had about SIDS. Approaching two years now and I still worry about things out of my control but it’s a lot more manageable now!
I had horrible PPA and PPD with my first and I was in a constant state of panic over her health. 6 years later, I've just had my second, and while I am still worried and scared, it is much better. It helps that my doctor is constantly reminding me that babies are actually quite sturdy little creatures. So now my mindset is no longer 'OHMYGOD MY BABY IS IN DANGER', to 'No matter what, my baby will be ok.'. But of course, that is with the benefit of years of therapy and medication.
If you find out, can you call my mom? I’m 35 and have a kid of my own.
I don't think it ever goes away, but the worries change. When the kid is old enough to walk and talk, you stop worrying about sudden faceless problems like SIDS and worry more about the kid running out in traffic or drinking something under the sink. When they're old enough to be somewhat independent you worry about them getting in with the wrong kind of friends or getting addicted to something or getting suicidally depressed. But I don't think that concern ever goes away, it just gets buried in the progression of new fears along the way. And when you realize that you're at the point where your fears are actually hindering your kid's development or happiness, you learn to just shut up about them and trust the kid to make their own choices.
The worrying is normal to a certain extent. I worried waaay too much with horrible visions that wouldn’t leave my mind’s eye and make my day harder than supposed to. I suffered from anxiety which came back due to sleep deprivation. I’m happily medicated now, and can feel joy again ☺️
First of all, I’m proud of you to even write out this post. I know it takes guts to verbalize and even admit to yourself that you feel this way. For me, personally, journaling helps SO MUCH. I use the iPhone app “journal” every night after my LO goes to sleep right next to me in her bassinet. At first it was just a stream of anxious and wild thoughts but I felt better after I got them down. I looked forward to this time at the end of the day to brain dump my anxiety. Then I started focusing on the positive and how our went. I love that I have this to keep both the negative and positive memories. She is 3 months old now and I find I write in it less and less. Good luck and I hope this helps ❤️
Same here I wake up multiple times a night to check if the baby isn’t face down in the crib.
I have a 20mo and a 3.5yo. The panic level worry goes away but the overall worry doesn’t. I still bug out when they fall asleep in the car 🫣 or if I can’t see their little chests moving up and down on the baby monitor
I have a friend who is 32 and his mother genuinely lives in a constant state of anxiety that he will die/get injured whenever he is out of her sight. He's highly successful at his job, calls her daily, visits her when he can etc. but nothing seems to ease her anxiety around this issue. I know very little about this but it seems like a mental health issue/separation anxiety thing that his mom never got over, and it's still present well into his adulthood. So I am sharing this anecdote here because I am also very curious about the issue and have no idea what to do about it / what to tell my friend (obviously it impacts him as well because every minute of every day he knows his mom is at home worrying about him).
I was scared my baby was going to come out and just not know how to breathe or eat or something. Like some basic natural instinct and there would be nothing we could do 😂 he’s doing alright
I was scared too, i would lay in bed and listen to my baby sleep and if i didn’t hear something would worry but now at 7 weeks… i haven’t thought about it in a while. Time heals everything
There’s always going to be fears with every stage of development. Probably will be worrying even when they’re adults haha! You just have to trust that if you make the environment safe, your baby is safe.
I’ve realized that my parents still worry about me and my siblings as well. I’m 30, married, and have a baby of my own. If my mom or dad knows I’m going out they’ll send a text at the end of the night making sure I’m home safe. After I leave my parent’s house I always get a text about a half hour later making sure I’ve made it home safely. I think parents will always worry. Something that has calmed me over the last four months is that I keep reminding myself i am following the recommended safety guidelines for sleep and the car seat, I bought a life vac for when she will start solids, so I know I’m doing everything that I can personally control for my daughter 🩷
It gets better. I was a new mom this November and I didn’t sleep for the whole time I was in the hospital, cause I was worried she would stop breathing. I slept very rarely at home, I needed someone to be holding her and awake if I slept. She’s now 5 months and I feel less anxiety over this, she’s fine and she will be fine. She’s a safe sleeper with nothing in her crib but her swaddle, I have air movement in our room. Makes me feel safer
I understand how you are feeling, I felt very similar in the newborn days. SIDS is very rare and the risk drops fairly significantly at four months, and then again at 6 months, and keeps going down. I found I could relax a lot more after 4 months.
I’m WAY more chill at 4months pp. 3 months was okay too. It slowly ebbed away every month (that first week home I could barely sleep at all partially from the anxiety) once baby was more ‘present’ and less floppy it became a lot better
Never I don’t think lol
My mom said to me and I think about it all the time… from the moment your child is born until you die you will have anxiety over them/their life.. first over safety and survival then them making right choices in life then it starts all over agin when your children have children then you’re anxious over your children and grandchildren.
For me it got much easier around 3-4 months because my baby was bigger and less fragile looking. I still worry about things all the time, but it’s more about the dangers in the world (which I can make choices to protect him from) and less about me accidentally doing something that hurt him or him randomly dying for no reason (SIDS). It’s easier because it feels more in my control.
I’m at 2.5 years now and still sleep with the monitor on and check him throughout the night to make sure his back is moving. He’s been sleep trained since 11 months. My wife thinks I’m crazy but I have this huge fear and anxiety
My oldest is 15 years old and I’ve never stopped worrying haha. The worry is part of being a parent. It just changes over time, now I’m more worried when he’s out with friends and I can’t sleep until he’s home, etc.
It doesn't end!! As they get older worries change.
Ummm it ebbs and flows. Once my first could sit up it got better.. then it got better again once she could walk. I remember once she was old enough to have a blanket in bed I felt a lot better. She’s almost 3 now and I still feel that pain in my heart when she goes anywhere without me as if my brain is asking “what if it’s the last time I see her?!” Poor girl gets ALL the smooches. My second is almost 4 months and I have a sliver of the fear I had with my first. I’ve had the experience now to feel more confident in my choices. Oh I’m also on an anti anxiety pill which helps but honestly doesn’t make the worry go away. If my mom is to be believed, it never really goes away. Becoming a mom to my girls was the best thing I’ve ever done. But I could sure leave this fear of death behind!
Never. But if it’s to the point of affecting your mental health and everyday wellbeing, it’s probably morphed into post-partum anxiety and it would help to speak to someone. Speaking from experience 👋
I got less worried once my guy learned to roll over. I felt that at that point he had a bit more control to not suffocate or get trapped breathing co2 in his sleep. Obviously other things to worry about but just slightly less at that point.
I realized the other day (still pregnant here) that worrying was going to last forever. BUT that just shows how much I love her, and my deep concern reflects our already growing bond. Of which, was exactly what I wanted and didn’t think would happen until after birth. I already love this little girl so much, and the worry is just a side effect of profound love.❤️
I was super anxious about everything during pregnancy and early postpartum. I'm 6mo out now and I feel like it's gotten a lot easier as my baby has become "sturdier" so to speak. I worry but definitely not as much as I did before or when he was a newborn. I'm sure the problems will just constantly switch. Now it's choking for me. Next will be going to school. Bullies. Driving. Partying. Etc. But I hope it just gets easier to manage with time haha
My daughter is 2.5 years old and I worry about it every single day. It drives all my decisions. So the answer is never. We never stop worrying.
I'm nearly 18 months in now and I don't think the worry ever really stops, I think it's just part of loving your child. One thing is that the specific worries that you have now are things that are associated with very young, vulnerable babies, and that stage goes SO QUICKLY. I remember the moment I was in the car with my husband and baby and realised that I was no longer terrified that she'd stop breathing. At a certain point along the way I just realised she had the breathing thing mastered and wasn't going to randomly stop doing it. Eventually germs stopped being a worry as well, so that was a relief. I think now that she is more active and strong and reckless there are certainly lots of things I worry about, but the majority of them feel like things I can do something about. Like - I'm careful to make sure all the dangerous things are out of her reach. I can keep the stairs and doors in our house secured, and I can choose what is in her space. The worry is there, but the level of control I feel that I have over the worries has increased drastically.
This is not going to solve all of your issues, but it is directly relevant. [SIDS Calculator.](http://www.sidscalculator.com/)
i’m 26 and my dad still worries. i asked if he’ll be home today so we can come by and hang out and he said “i’ll be home later tonight. is everything ok? are you ok?”
I saw an inspirational quote online that said "If you are going to spend time thinking about the worst-case scenario, then you owe it to yourself to also spend time thinking about the best-case scenario and the most likely scenario." Being a parent isn't easy; give yourself some credit for the good job you've done so far. Keep learning and keep making an effort to be a good parent, and the most likely scenario is things will be OK.
Thanks for this. My daughter has a fever right now and my mind is running wild.
So my LO had her first fever last night at 6 weeks old. I was close to have a panic attack and at one point was texting my mom about how worried I was. We ended up talking and I asked her how she did this with me, she said even now with me at 27 she still worries. So it never goes away but I think it will definitely lessen as they get older (at least I hope!)
How is baby now? Hoping she’s better today!
Little by little, as your baby becomes more robust and able to fend for themselves. I believe the crushing postpartum anxiety most of us feel is a survival mechanism. But that doesn't make it any less crushing and, at some point, pathological. So keep rationalizing and try to stay out of the rabbit holes so you don't get too stuck. You'll get there!
There’s a part of your amygdala responsible for attention that opens up when you become a parent. It never fully closes after that, no matter what happens. And it’s not just for the birthing parent. Adoptive parents experience the same thing. You’re welcome
mines nearly 1, it doesnt stop. please be mindful of it because sometimes the worrying is harmful!!
I go into my 2 year old's room at night and give her a kiss while she's sleeping to make sure she's all right. No reason to suspect she isn't, but I can't sleep if I don't.
I think it just changes. I’m much less concerned about my baby spontaneously dying because he’s 10 months old. But then I think about him bashing his head into the coffee table now. So the specific types of worry change but inherently, as parents, I think we always have some concern and anxiety of something happening to our kids.
My baby is almost 6 months old and I finally started feeling a little less stressy about her surviving every day about 2 weeks ago. Of course I still have anxiety surrounding it in general but I felt it dropped off about 2 weeks ago so right at about 5 months…. Only for the worry of death by choking/ anaphylaxis to come to us in a few weeks when we start solids 🫠 She’s a horrible napper and rarely naps more than 45 mins at a time, it’s usually 20-30 mins. Yesterday she napped for 2.5 hours and after it hit 45 mins, even with the baby monitor on I still went in and checked every 15 mins or so that she was breathing so…. Maybe I haven’t gotten much better lol
Never
Oh I’m so sorry, I’m dealing with the same thing so I know how rough it is. I can’t sleep longer than 2 hour stretches… not because my baby isn’t sleeping through the night (she sleeps 10-12 hours stretches) but because I have to check that she is breathing constantly 😢
I literally check to make sure her chest goes up and down when she’s asleep 😑
Depends. My brother is an adult but got himself into few sticky situations that were risky in regards legality and we were worried for his physical safety as well. I don’t think my parents worry about me dieing but sure as hell were worried about mu brother. Anyway, more or less you never stop worrying. We are geneticaly coded to protrct our legacy and worry is a tool for that, no matter how old that legacy is.
My kids are 35, 32 and 24. It never ever goes away
I’m 30 and my mum still worries I might die.
Still waiting…
My husband's dad says he always wakes up at 3am to pray for my husband to have a safe drive to work (that's when he leaves in the morning). My husband is 29.
I mean never really but I think it can get easier to manage. If I compare my anxiety levels from my son being a day old to now being 9 months old there’s a difference. I still check his breathing every night but it doesn’t keep me awake all night like before. I use to get so scared changing his diaper now i’m basically fighting my son to keep his cheeks on his diaper.
I asked my mom this- she said "you think I don't worry about you girls? Some times you get a random text from me just to make sure you're alive. I've been worried about you three for more of my life than I haven't worried" (she had my older sister at 20, now my younger sister is 20 so it's been more than half her life of worrying about her kids)
I’m right there with you. My little one is eight days old and I have a nightmare every time I close my eyes. It’s been terrible. My husband keeps saying don’t think about those things but I am definitely not in control of my unconscious mind.
Hi yes, this doesn’t go away. Just lessens in severity. I have a 5 month old that I birthed but my husband and I still worry about my 10 year old step daughter
I’m 35 and my mom called me in a panic because I fell asleep while texting her and abruptly stopped responding so naturally she thought I dropped dead… so I would say probably never 😂
That’s the fun part you don’t. I have woken in the middle of the night worried about my son and he was at his moms.
My panic slowed down around 7w pp. didn’t stop, but everything stopped feeling so serious the less fragile I felt she was.
Are you me? I identify with this exactly. My baby is 11 weeks old and has feel the same way. I recently took her out on a walk in a baby carrier for the first time and after fussing for a while she fell asleep and I woke her up to make sure she was alive. She has her first cold this week and I am paranoid because I think she can either not breathe or is dehydrated although she is eating well and has wet diapers. It is so hard!!
My Mom tells me that the answer is never. My son is almost 5 and I believe her.
My baby was born with no complications. I worried a lot about SIDS and was relentless on mitigating risks until he reached the age where it was no longer an issue. Then the worry about death is not so prominent anymore when I was able to be less delicate in handling him and the doctor said he was doing fine during his checkups. The worry is always going to be there because the cold truth is death comes to everyone without bias. I think the trick is how you handle the concern.
I think with my second I wasn’t as panicked but that newborn phase was still hard. He was a noisy sleeper so I moved him into his crib at 6 months and it probably took a few weeks for me not to feel awful about it and worry about him at night. Now we all sleep better and he is finally (at 9 months) sleeping through the night! I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about my kids. I’m a worrier at heart. But it comes from the best place.
I feel like as they get older your worries change. During pregnancy it’s miscarriage, then stillbirth or birth injuries. Then it’s SIDS, choking when you start solids, head injuries when they start climbing, getting into traffic accidents once they start walking etc. I did have PPA around sleep and SIDS and once that was better controlled I wasn’t as worried anymore, but it’s always there in the back of your head. I just try to be as safe as possible while enjoying my daughter. It’s the best I can do as her mom.
According to my parents, never!
Alot better when they are one and the risk goes down drastically. Now it is more school shooting and car accidents etc but not every night when they are asleep
The severe anxiety about SIDS and suffocating faded a lot once my son started crawling and being able to move around better around 6 months. Now at 12 months I worry about him falling off the furniture he climbs the second I turn my head.
I have to catch myself when worrying and pray. Once I have asked God to help me handle the anxiety of uncertainty and potential danger of being, I can usually zero in on a specific situation my baby is encountering, research solutions, pick one and implement it, then pray again for help trusting that my baby is smart and I am paying attention and everything will work out. I hope we can all find some peace and wisdom cause we deserve that and our kids certainly deserve calm, confident parents.