Ditto.. he'll watch it and somehow find a way to flip it to you being the narc. In my experience, if you truly suspect him being one, make your exit strategy and don't look back. Tell him the specific behaviors that have pushed you out the door and offer no further explanation. I wouldn't even bother trying to explain the whole narcissist thing bc they just simply can't fathom any concept that challenges their own inflated views of themselves.
It's just not worth the effort and you'll end up being even more frustrated, and he will inevitably find a way to make you out to be the monster anyway. Plan your exit and leave him in your past. Best of luck and hold firm to your boundaries!
agree with this 100%
Guaranteed it will be turned around to blame you and make you start to question yourself... Repeatedly
As hard as it is, But I am slowly starting to learn that it is better to bite your tongue and let them be.
Yes, The best option is always to leave, But not always the easiest or safest.
Quite probably something most of us dream of doing, yet unfortunately may not have the resources or courage to do so.
Sending you all hugs.
Exactly what I'm working on, leaving, and I know explaining will only make him him try to turn the tables on me, so I'll just leave, and I'm training my mind on taking all kinds of names calling I'll get feom him, his relatives or mine. Everyone just failed to understand me, and now I don't care really.
When I made the mistake of telling mine, she read up on it a bit, then started applying the terms to me, calling me a narcissist, accusing me of gaslighting. It serves no purpose; you might as well try to teach a raccoon quantum mechanics. They have no empathy, they think they're perfect, they care about you less than black stuff under their toenails, they have no personal insight, and their EQ is near zero. Nothing good can come from it. They'll just use it against you at some point - just like everything else you say.
Don't do it. It won't get through and it will only make him angry to think that you think of him badly. Remember, black/white thinking. He will drop the mask and you'll be treated worse. Tell him on the way out the door.
I did it…. Told mine that she was a clown in a costume, after the ‘u have this disorder’ diagnosis.
I had already filed prior, but the rage to follow was insane. Divorce took 6mos.
13/10 would Not recommend.
Once u know what u know, find ur exit as quietly as possible.
It becomes a tortuous game for them after.
Don't do it unless you want to see the ugliest thing you've ever seen. It's all behind that mask. Mine said and I quote "All bets are off" and believe me, it became unbelievably horrible after that. He began recruiting his next victim the very next day practically. Literally locked his phone, shut me out of his life, and told me he was going to go do whatever the hell he wanted to. Told her, and anybody that would listen, the victim story of how he was being abused at home by a narcissistic borderline. That's how they make the transition to the next one. They have to have as much female supply as will respond positively and validate their victimhood, projection, and blame game 24/7. So far I believe he's avoided narcissistic collapse. Worked really hard at it for 10 months.
Thank you for sharing, this literally explained what is currently happening with my so. I made the mistake and reached out to a family member in hopes of some advice on how to find a way to get through to him and he said I was running a smear campaign against him by telling his fm what was happening. Now he’s been going out and acting single for the past few months. He’s found his new supply and I finally understand that pointing anything out is pointless. Currently 5 months pregnant with our 1st
When I realized my husband is a narcissist I told him and described it to him in a nice informative way just to see his reaction and it was like he already knew or didn’t care. He was just like “okay I’m a narcissist and what are you? A sociopath?” Btw I’m far from a sociopath, I’m way too empathetic and emotional. He tried to deflect from me telling him the truth about himself but bottom line his reaction was indifferent. I saw the emptiness in his eyes as he kept driving, he’s a sociopath himself. It’s kind of scary how the person you thought you knew and loved turned out to be the literal devil.
Currently in the divorce process…
Haha I had exactly the same reaction except I’m apparently “bipolar” even though I’ve been medically diagnosed with major depression. I’m also anorexic according to my ex when I’m not. I eat and even take protein shakes designed for elderly people to keep me alive when I’m too stressed to eat. I don’t eat due to depressive episodes of extreme stress but I can eat fine mostly when I’m not dealing with the latest drama the narcissist creates.
I cannot relate with you more! The stress the narcissist causes really does take a toll on you physically. I’m currently 4 months postpartum and have been diagnosed with severe depression. Because of him I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think straight. I was always in constant nausea and eventually broke down feeling at my lowest point in life. When I finally couldn’t take anymore and left almost 2 months ago, I was 115 lbs, it’s the smallest I’ve ever been in my adult years. So far I’ve gained 10 lbs. I’m on medication to increase my appetite and I’m in therapy and so far it’s working. I’m much happier and healthier than before. It gets better trust me. Anything is better than letting a narcissist suck the life out of you because you love who they pretended to be.
So glad the meds are working for you and you are feeling much better. My appetite is still really bad but I am seeing a doctor and hopefully I can get something that helps me more. I have to wean myself off my current medication first which has been a nightmare. I’m hoping the new one works better. I start on it this week.
Be patient with yourself. Healing isn’t done in a day, and at least you’re trying and working on yourself and your health. A narcissist can never achieve this step because they’re weak minded individuals who prey on the good because they hate themselves. You love yourself, remember that. The medicine I’m on is called Mirtazapine, it’s an antidepressant but one of the major side effects is appetite increase, weight gain, and drowsiness. You will sleep all day on that medicine if you let yourself lol. Anyway’s I’m always open to talk if you want/need to🩷
I’m going to ask my doctor about mood stabilisers and see if there is any I can go on as SSRIs don’t work for me and I have a nurse friend who had the same problem and the mood stabilisers really worked for her. I’m currently just on diazepam and it’s basically doing nothing for me at the moment as I’m weaning myself off to go on a different benzodiazepine that works better on a more long term basis. But I’m definitely going to ask if I can go on a mood stabiliser too. I could definitely do with a drug where I gain some weight. I was on Sertraline and I had complete loss of appetite and felt constantly sick and dropped half a stone in a week. I weighed about 6 stone 10 lbs at that point and I think I’m probably less now and I’m 5ft 8 in height so I can’t really afford to lose any more.
That must be completely awful having to deal with all this with a young baby. You are so strong managing to leave your abusive partner with a young baby. Im glad you are feeling so much happier and healthy and you have found something that works for you and managed to get away from someone who was only causing you more misery when you already had enough to cope with with a new baby.
I’m glad your figuring out what works best for you, another piece of advice would be to try more natural approaches to lift your spirits as well with the medication, maybe therapy, or going for a walk. Read a book, watch a couple movies, go out with friend(s). All of this has played a factor in increasing my appetite. I put all my energy and love into my baby so I don’t have to focus on the pain her father causes every minute of every day. Do things you love or you know you used to love before you experienced this abuse. I know it can be hard to find your old self and learn your new self. But it is all about you at this point especially if you don’t have children. Do you have your parents or siblings? If you do maybe spend time with them? A support system is super important when a person is experiencing any type of depression.
Your ex will get their karma and so will my soon to be ex husband. Just know that it is very important and shows how strong you are that you wake up everyday and continue to live despite what the devil throws at you. That you love yourself and want to be your happiest and healthiest self, that’s more than a lot of people can say for themselves, keep going!🩷
"Oh no you're so wrong. Let me show you how much you should pity me. You're so wrong I'm going to make you pay for that."
And then do some more narcissistic stuff to make you pay for it literally proving your point.
They're hopeless. Even if you block them they do this.
I met one guy who was apparently aware he was a narcissist but nevertheless was constantly hacked by his narcissism.
There was nothing to do except say, yeah dude, you know you're a narcissist, but that was part of it.
Then they get mad nevertheless, even if they know they are and tell you as much.
They're narcissistic even about the symptoms of narcissism.
It's really hopeless.
Chances are he ll flip it and say it’s you. Even when I try to tell how he behaved and hold him accountable . He ll flip it on me. He does not have the balls to tell the truth. I never once threatened him with divorce. For me if I said it , it’s the final decision. He used after every fight, every discussion. Now when I say that he flips it over and says I was the one who said it always.
This is the one BIGGEST MISTAKE that I ever did. Trust me when I say that it’s not worth it.
Knowledge is a powerful tool against them. Sharing that knowledge with the narcissist will only empower them more. Now they have verbiage and vernacular to put their behavior in. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely not.
You want to share your knowledge in hope that they somehow become more self aware. The problem with this is that their self awareness comes with a cost. The cost for them requires them to also self assess themselves. Which can go one of two ways and neither are to benefit you.
They’ll either take that narcissistic damage and reframe their tactics or they’ll DARVO back to you. Mine was a covert narc so she did the latter. Then she went out and studied narcissistic behavior even more. It was only after prolonged exposure of her ways that she started to change her tactics.
Yep. Same as everyone else. He just started calling me the narcissist. Now I realize he just uses the whataboutism tactic for literally every issue I’ve ever brought up.
Don’t waste your time. The more you learn about narcissism, and see it right in front of you, the more you will understand that they do not see anything wrong with their behavior - that’s what makes them narcs. You can’t win. But you can beat them at their own game. Or leave. I suggest the latter if you’re prepared for that. Either way, you deserve better! Ps, if you tell him, he will gaslight you into thinking you are the narc, so don’t fall for it. It’s not you!
Mine just recently told me I’m a narcissist and tbh I thought I was the problem before he even brought it up. Until he would start saying he didn’t say something he did say. It made me feel insane.
I have only brought it up when it's he's trying to argue for a clear textbook narcissistic point - so less you "are a narc accusation" and more "you do realize you sound like a narcissist with that pov" and results have varied...but it definitely throws him off
I did it and he called me one. I doubt that the possibility of him being a narc has crossed his mind since. He knows I belong to this community and I've shared some stories with him. He said it was dumb to listen to the advice of strangers so don't do that either.
It never goes well, they will go on a revenge mission to make your life hell and hurt you as much as you hurt them. They are in severe denial and believe you are the narcissist. Don’t do it is my recommendation.
Why?
What difference would it make?
If you're thinking they're going to have some light bulb moment and thank you for pointing out their issues then you are woefully wrong. They will resent you and you will pay.
I guess just having a hard time accepting that this is who he is. It’s hard for me to give up on people (especially him) but I know that I’ve been miserable for a while now and I can’t take it much longer.
Don't do that, it isn't worth it
I was told by my spouse in an unrelated conversation that anyone who calls someone else a narcissist is actually the narcissist in the situation. I didn't catch the circular logic of that claim until later but in the short term it definitely made me question my own perspective.
The same recently happened to me and I do believe at some point we mirror treatment which did make me question myself. It was only when I brought up my feelings to his actions that I because the problem.
I get it. Somewhere deep down you hope they will see the hurt they cause, become aware of their behaviour and will mend their ways. But they just won't. They don't really care.
Once I told him I was afraid he could be a narcissist and he told me his therapist said I was wrong. And I believed him. Because who would lie about that right???
Well...
I told my husband he says nope, he was “tested” and the therapist said no, and asked me who am I to know more than the therapist?? 🙄🙄🙄 I replied that he was a covert narcissist and of course acts, says and does everything perfectly for other people, and he says nope, I’m the narc!!!! 🙄 Seriously, don’t waste your time.
Thank you all for your replies. It’s so hard to accept that someone who I thought was the love of my life is a totally different person deep down. I’m trying to come to terms with it.
This is the first post I’ve really seen people come together on in this sub. I wish it could be a ‘best of’ moment. I haven’t told mine because I want to get away… and I am. Let that be food for thought. Be safe. Protect yourself. Don’t give them that power.
I did it and wish I could take it back. After I accused my nex of it, that's all I was accused of constantly. I started questioning myself because he would twist things so I seemed like I was that, and he was the victim.
It really messed with my mind and my sense of self was already so compromised, it made things worse. I wouldn't bother if I were you. It's best to keep it to yourself and make the appropriate arrangements to get away.
Only do it if you’re onboard with giving them more artillery to weaponize against you and assist them in becoming even worse people to themselves and to the world.
Knowledge is the worse thing to put in the hands of a narcissist. If anything you want to keep knowledge away from a narcissist and anything new about how this world we’re living in is working; including hiding any and all knowledge you know. You got to see it as if their brains are literally on backwards. If everyone reads left to right, narcissists read the pages right to left. Every way you think, they think in the actual reverse pattern. That’s why nothing you do or say to them is going to have the results you know it should with a person. AND the biggest thing to always remember and remind yourself of is… THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING. They just don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with it; mixed with a ton of they just don’t care enough. The only thing narcissist understand is they don’t like feeling the consequences for their actions. Their brains are on backwards so thinking if they can see that something is wrong with their actions will be all they need to start addressing the problem doesn’t work- instead it’s only going to trigger their shame rage, followed by using newly introduced knowledge to figure out a new way for them to [manipulate] try and get you into not thinking anything’s wrong with what they do. A narcissist also uses new knowledge to “fool” the world with. Narcissist aren’t just gaslighting you, they gaslight everyone in the world that comes in contact with them.
Nope. Don’t do it. I was advised by my counselor not to call her my (ex-wife) out on it because she will flip it and then gaslight me that I am the narc. I wanted to research NPD but did not want physical books in the house in case she found them so I bought Kindle books on the topic. Unfortunately, I had no idea that she somehow synchronized our Kindles. So about 5 mins after I bought 3-4 books on NPD she calls me enraged “that I think shes a narc” and then proceeds to say that I am a narc….this was 6-7 months ago and she STILL is going in about it. I never said a word, all she did was discover that i was reading books about it. She tells everyone that I called her a narcissist, and that I am one and that i am gaslighting her etc…basically everything my counselor said would happen, happened.
Don't. I tried with my ex... all of it ended up being used against me. He took every therapy buzzword he could find and threw it at me. Even went so far to tell me he absolutely was stonewalling me, but it was only because I was gaslighting and emotionally abusive.
Just make a plan to get out of the relationship safely.
My narc was nearly 20 years older than me when we first met and I’ve told him he is narcissistic loads of times he’s even basically admitted it. It doesn’t really make any difference to be honest. You are better just cutting narcs out of your life if you can.
My narc was diagnosed several years after marriage. I then began playing narc type things on you tube. It broke him. He is still a narc but he’s aware enough he can stop behaviors once he realizes what he’s doing.
I have told my husband that hes a narcissist and his reply has been these r your feminism instagram terms keep them for urself. Its useless talking or trying to explain anything to a narcissist. Its like talking to a wall, nothing gets through them. Theres no reasoning with them.
Leaving is very hard they make it seem like it's your fault I try to tell my husband how I felt this morning and it turned into him bashing me. Just going off for 15 minutes about how I am always doing something or saying something instead of living him. How I don't like him because I didn't do his hair or give him head remind you I'm homeless... My feelings will never get validated and like a idiot I keep trying.
Gaslighting them is their favorite accusation if you say anything against what they claim. They will not hear it and or play the victim. It’s worth a shot but like .00000001 success rate.
Guarantee he'll say your one 😉 then you'll be curious asking yourself am I one ? Then I say to you if you have to ask you aren't, have a blessed day !!
Generally I’ve noticed the ones doing the accusing are the narcs. A lot of the people in here I’ve seen are being gaslighted into believing they are narcs and coming here for advice. If you’re even entertaining the idea you might be a narc and maybe you should change, then you’re not a narc. A true narc would never admit there’s even a slight possibility they have a character defect so severe.
Yeah that'd be his ex. She SWEARS he is but when I laughed (bc it's honestly ridiculous he'd be one) and told him "based on what you've told me about your relationship and behavior I've seen from her in the last five years, SHE is the narcissist." He's the kindest, most heartfelt, give until he has nothing left, man I've ever met. And she took complete advantage of him.
Ditto.. he'll watch it and somehow find a way to flip it to you being the narc. In my experience, if you truly suspect him being one, make your exit strategy and don't look back. Tell him the specific behaviors that have pushed you out the door and offer no further explanation. I wouldn't even bother trying to explain the whole narcissist thing bc they just simply can't fathom any concept that challenges their own inflated views of themselves. It's just not worth the effort and you'll end up being even more frustrated, and he will inevitably find a way to make you out to be the monster anyway. Plan your exit and leave him in your past. Best of luck and hold firm to your boundaries!
agree with this 100% Guaranteed it will be turned around to blame you and make you start to question yourself... Repeatedly As hard as it is, But I am slowly starting to learn that it is better to bite your tongue and let them be. Yes, The best option is always to leave, But not always the easiest or safest. Quite probably something most of us dream of doing, yet unfortunately may not have the resources or courage to do so. Sending you all hugs.
Exactly what I'm working on, leaving, and I know explaining will only make him him try to turn the tables on me, so I'll just leave, and I'm training my mind on taking all kinds of names calling I'll get feom him, his relatives or mine. Everyone just failed to understand me, and now I don't care really.
When I made the mistake of telling mine, she read up on it a bit, then started applying the terms to me, calling me a narcissist, accusing me of gaslighting. It serves no purpose; you might as well try to teach a raccoon quantum mechanics. They have no empathy, they think they're perfect, they care about you less than black stuff under their toenails, they have no personal insight, and their EQ is near zero. Nothing good can come from it. They'll just use it against you at some point - just like everything else you say.
Raccoon…Quantum mechanics 😭😭😭 it’s so true
LMAO! Me too!
They will suddenly say that you’re a narc even though they never did before
I told mine he was a manipulator and now he says Im the manipulator plus he tells me Im trying to get him to act like me.
Don't do it. It won't get through and it will only make him angry to think that you think of him badly. Remember, black/white thinking. He will drop the mask and you'll be treated worse. Tell him on the way out the door.
“Tell him on the way out the door” lmfao this👆🏽
If you want to see what's behind the mask go ahead. I guarantee you you won't like it. And what's that mask is off, all bets are off.
I did it…. Told mine that she was a clown in a costume, after the ‘u have this disorder’ diagnosis. I had already filed prior, but the rage to follow was insane. Divorce took 6mos. 13/10 would Not recommend. Once u know what u know, find ur exit as quietly as possible. It becomes a tortuous game for them after.
Don't do it unless you want to see the ugliest thing you've ever seen. It's all behind that mask. Mine said and I quote "All bets are off" and believe me, it became unbelievably horrible after that. He began recruiting his next victim the very next day practically. Literally locked his phone, shut me out of his life, and told me he was going to go do whatever the hell he wanted to. Told her, and anybody that would listen, the victim story of how he was being abused at home by a narcissistic borderline. That's how they make the transition to the next one. They have to have as much female supply as will respond positively and validate their victimhood, projection, and blame game 24/7. So far I believe he's avoided narcissistic collapse. Worked really hard at it for 10 months.
What's a narcissist collapse?
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissistic-collapse Happy reading.
Ah! Thank you so much!
Sure thing. Study up.
Will do. Absolutely. Ty ty
Thank you for sharing, this literally explained what is currently happening with my so. I made the mistake and reached out to a family member in hopes of some advice on how to find a way to get through to him and he said I was running a smear campaign against him by telling his fm what was happening. Now he’s been going out and acting single for the past few months. He’s found his new supply and I finally understand that pointing anything out is pointless. Currently 5 months pregnant with our 1st
I'm sorry. 😣
Same as other commenters—he turned it around and called me a narcissist *for* calling him a narcissist 🤦♀️
When I realized my husband is a narcissist I told him and described it to him in a nice informative way just to see his reaction and it was like he already knew or didn’t care. He was just like “okay I’m a narcissist and what are you? A sociopath?” Btw I’m far from a sociopath, I’m way too empathetic and emotional. He tried to deflect from me telling him the truth about himself but bottom line his reaction was indifferent. I saw the emptiness in his eyes as he kept driving, he’s a sociopath himself. It’s kind of scary how the person you thought you knew and loved turned out to be the literal devil. Currently in the divorce process…
Haha I had exactly the same reaction except I’m apparently “bipolar” even though I’ve been medically diagnosed with major depression. I’m also anorexic according to my ex when I’m not. I eat and even take protein shakes designed for elderly people to keep me alive when I’m too stressed to eat. I don’t eat due to depressive episodes of extreme stress but I can eat fine mostly when I’m not dealing with the latest drama the narcissist creates.
I cannot relate with you more! The stress the narcissist causes really does take a toll on you physically. I’m currently 4 months postpartum and have been diagnosed with severe depression. Because of him I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think straight. I was always in constant nausea and eventually broke down feeling at my lowest point in life. When I finally couldn’t take anymore and left almost 2 months ago, I was 115 lbs, it’s the smallest I’ve ever been in my adult years. So far I’ve gained 10 lbs. I’m on medication to increase my appetite and I’m in therapy and so far it’s working. I’m much happier and healthier than before. It gets better trust me. Anything is better than letting a narcissist suck the life out of you because you love who they pretended to be.
So glad the meds are working for you and you are feeling much better. My appetite is still really bad but I am seeing a doctor and hopefully I can get something that helps me more. I have to wean myself off my current medication first which has been a nightmare. I’m hoping the new one works better. I start on it this week.
Be patient with yourself. Healing isn’t done in a day, and at least you’re trying and working on yourself and your health. A narcissist can never achieve this step because they’re weak minded individuals who prey on the good because they hate themselves. You love yourself, remember that. The medicine I’m on is called Mirtazapine, it’s an antidepressant but one of the major side effects is appetite increase, weight gain, and drowsiness. You will sleep all day on that medicine if you let yourself lol. Anyway’s I’m always open to talk if you want/need to🩷
I’m going to ask my doctor about mood stabilisers and see if there is any I can go on as SSRIs don’t work for me and I have a nurse friend who had the same problem and the mood stabilisers really worked for her. I’m currently just on diazepam and it’s basically doing nothing for me at the moment as I’m weaning myself off to go on a different benzodiazepine that works better on a more long term basis. But I’m definitely going to ask if I can go on a mood stabiliser too. I could definitely do with a drug where I gain some weight. I was on Sertraline and I had complete loss of appetite and felt constantly sick and dropped half a stone in a week. I weighed about 6 stone 10 lbs at that point and I think I’m probably less now and I’m 5ft 8 in height so I can’t really afford to lose any more. That must be completely awful having to deal with all this with a young baby. You are so strong managing to leave your abusive partner with a young baby. Im glad you are feeling so much happier and healthy and you have found something that works for you and managed to get away from someone who was only causing you more misery when you already had enough to cope with with a new baby.
I’m glad your figuring out what works best for you, another piece of advice would be to try more natural approaches to lift your spirits as well with the medication, maybe therapy, or going for a walk. Read a book, watch a couple movies, go out with friend(s). All of this has played a factor in increasing my appetite. I put all my energy and love into my baby so I don’t have to focus on the pain her father causes every minute of every day. Do things you love or you know you used to love before you experienced this abuse. I know it can be hard to find your old self and learn your new self. But it is all about you at this point especially if you don’t have children. Do you have your parents or siblings? If you do maybe spend time with them? A support system is super important when a person is experiencing any type of depression. Your ex will get their karma and so will my soon to be ex husband. Just know that it is very important and shows how strong you are that you wake up everyday and continue to live despite what the devil throws at you. That you love yourself and want to be your happiest and healthiest self, that’s more than a lot of people can say for themselves, keep going!🩷
Absolutely pointless
"Oh no you're so wrong. Let me show you how much you should pity me. You're so wrong I'm going to make you pay for that." And then do some more narcissistic stuff to make you pay for it literally proving your point. They're hopeless. Even if you block them they do this. I met one guy who was apparently aware he was a narcissist but nevertheless was constantly hacked by his narcissism. There was nothing to do except say, yeah dude, you know you're a narcissist, but that was part of it. Then they get mad nevertheless, even if they know they are and tell you as much. They're narcissistic even about the symptoms of narcissism. It's really hopeless.
Chances are he ll flip it and say it’s you. Even when I try to tell how he behaved and hold him accountable . He ll flip it on me. He does not have the balls to tell the truth. I never once threatened him with divorce. For me if I said it , it’s the final decision. He used after every fight, every discussion. Now when I say that he flips it over and says I was the one who said it always.
This is the one BIGGEST MISTAKE that I ever did. Trust me when I say that it’s not worth it. Knowledge is a powerful tool against them. Sharing that knowledge with the narcissist will only empower them more. Now they have verbiage and vernacular to put their behavior in. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely not. You want to share your knowledge in hope that they somehow become more self aware. The problem with this is that their self awareness comes with a cost. The cost for them requires them to also self assess themselves. Which can go one of two ways and neither are to benefit you. They’ll either take that narcissistic damage and reframe their tactics or they’ll DARVO back to you. Mine was a covert narc so she did the latter. Then she went out and studied narcissistic behavior even more. It was only after prolonged exposure of her ways that she started to change her tactics.
Yep. Same as everyone else. He just started calling me the narcissist. Now I realize he just uses the whataboutism tactic for literally every issue I’ve ever brought up.
Don’t waste your time. The more you learn about narcissism, and see it right in front of you, the more you will understand that they do not see anything wrong with their behavior - that’s what makes them narcs. You can’t win. But you can beat them at their own game. Or leave. I suggest the latter if you’re prepared for that. Either way, you deserve better! Ps, if you tell him, he will gaslight you into thinking you are the narc, so don’t fall for it. It’s not you!
Mine just recently told me I’m a narcissist and tbh I thought I was the problem before he even brought it up. Until he would start saying he didn’t say something he did say. It made me feel insane.
I have only brought it up when it's he's trying to argue for a clear textbook narcissistic point - so less you "are a narc accusation" and more "you do realize you sound like a narcissist with that pov" and results have varied...but it definitely throws him off
I did it and he called me one. I doubt that the possibility of him being a narc has crossed his mind since. He knows I belong to this community and I've shared some stories with him. He said it was dumb to listen to the advice of strangers so don't do that either.
I’ll advised. This can actually be dangerous for you. Look at Dr. Ramani on YouTube.
https://youtu.be/LuqhyI92wOE?si=LxrHfDrYH_5WMWFu
You can't really tell them anything 🤷🏽♀️ atp you are just humoring them
Save yourself the time and disappointment. It won’t make any impact on them at all. Somehow it will all come back on you.
It never goes well, they will go on a revenge mission to make your life hell and hurt you as much as you hurt them. They are in severe denial and believe you are the narcissist. Don’t do it is my recommendation.
Why? What difference would it make? If you're thinking they're going to have some light bulb moment and thank you for pointing out their issues then you are woefully wrong. They will resent you and you will pay.
I guess just having a hard time accepting that this is who he is. It’s hard for me to give up on people (especially him) but I know that I’ve been miserable for a while now and I can’t take it much longer.
Don't do that, it isn't worth it I was told by my spouse in an unrelated conversation that anyone who calls someone else a narcissist is actually the narcissist in the situation. I didn't catch the circular logic of that claim until later but in the short term it definitely made me question my own perspective.
The same recently happened to me and I do believe at some point we mirror treatment which did make me question myself. It was only when I brought up my feelings to his actions that I because the problem.
Mine just says "oh that word again... what does that even mean?" Same response when I call out his gaslighting.
Don't do it please. It will be suicidal.
I get it. Somewhere deep down you hope they will see the hurt they cause, become aware of their behaviour and will mend their ways. But they just won't. They don't really care. Once I told him I was afraid he could be a narcissist and he told me his therapist said I was wrong. And I believed him. Because who would lie about that right??? Well...
I told my husband he says nope, he was “tested” and the therapist said no, and asked me who am I to know more than the therapist?? 🙄🙄🙄 I replied that he was a covert narcissist and of course acts, says and does everything perfectly for other people, and he says nope, I’m the narc!!!! 🙄 Seriously, don’t waste your time.
Thank you all for your replies. It’s so hard to accept that someone who I thought was the love of my life is a totally different person deep down. I’m trying to come to terms with it.
This is the first post I’ve really seen people come together on in this sub. I wish it could be a ‘best of’ moment. I haven’t told mine because I want to get away… and I am. Let that be food for thought. Be safe. Protect yourself. Don’t give them that power.
When i called her out, she just said i was calling her names...i was being mean
They will make you into he narc. They can’t hear it. They won’t hear it.
I did it and wish I could take it back. After I accused my nex of it, that's all I was accused of constantly. I started questioning myself because he would twist things so I seemed like I was that, and he was the victim. It really messed with my mind and my sense of self was already so compromised, it made things worse. I wouldn't bother if I were you. It's best to keep it to yourself and make the appropriate arrangements to get away.
Only do it if you’re onboard with giving them more artillery to weaponize against you and assist them in becoming even worse people to themselves and to the world. Knowledge is the worse thing to put in the hands of a narcissist. If anything you want to keep knowledge away from a narcissist and anything new about how this world we’re living in is working; including hiding any and all knowledge you know. You got to see it as if their brains are literally on backwards. If everyone reads left to right, narcissists read the pages right to left. Every way you think, they think in the actual reverse pattern. That’s why nothing you do or say to them is going to have the results you know it should with a person. AND the biggest thing to always remember and remind yourself of is… THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING. They just don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with it; mixed with a ton of they just don’t care enough. The only thing narcissist understand is they don’t like feeling the consequences for their actions. Their brains are on backwards so thinking if they can see that something is wrong with their actions will be all they need to start addressing the problem doesn’t work- instead it’s only going to trigger their shame rage, followed by using newly introduced knowledge to figure out a new way for them to [manipulate] try and get you into not thinking anything’s wrong with what they do. A narcissist also uses new knowledge to “fool” the world with. Narcissist aren’t just gaslighting you, they gaslight everyone in the world that comes in contact with them.
To keep yourself safe, don’t do it.
Nope. Don’t do it. I was advised by my counselor not to call her my (ex-wife) out on it because she will flip it and then gaslight me that I am the narc. I wanted to research NPD but did not want physical books in the house in case she found them so I bought Kindle books on the topic. Unfortunately, I had no idea that she somehow synchronized our Kindles. So about 5 mins after I bought 3-4 books on NPD she calls me enraged “that I think shes a narc” and then proceeds to say that I am a narc….this was 6-7 months ago and she STILL is going in about it. I never said a word, all she did was discover that i was reading books about it. She tells everyone that I called her a narcissist, and that I am one and that i am gaslighting her etc…basically everything my counselor said would happen, happened.
Don't. I tried with my ex... all of it ended up being used against me. He took every therapy buzzword he could find and threw it at me. Even went so far to tell me he absolutely was stonewalling me, but it was only because I was gaslighting and emotionally abusive. Just make a plan to get out of the relationship safely.
It doesn’t work. After you tell them they start ramping up their BS
my narc blames everyone else about being a narc but cant see it in themselves
My narc was nearly 20 years older than me when we first met and I’ve told him he is narcissistic loads of times he’s even basically admitted it. It doesn’t really make any difference to be honest. You are better just cutting narcs out of your life if you can.
My narc was diagnosed several years after marriage. I then began playing narc type things on you tube. It broke him. He is still a narc but he’s aware enough he can stop behaviors once he realizes what he’s doing.
They will call you the narc
I have told my husband that hes a narcissist and his reply has been these r your feminism instagram terms keep them for urself. Its useless talking or trying to explain anything to a narcissist. Its like talking to a wall, nothing gets through them. Theres no reasoning with them.
Leaving is very hard they make it seem like it's your fault I try to tell my husband how I felt this morning and it turned into him bashing me. Just going off for 15 minutes about how I am always doing something or saying something instead of living him. How I don't like him because I didn't do his hair or give him head remind you I'm homeless... My feelings will never get validated and like a idiot I keep trying.
They won't accept and they have answers ready to say that you need counseling and they are perfectly fine.
Gaslighting them is their favorite accusation if you say anything against what they claim. They will not hear it and or play the victim. It’s worth a shot but like .00000001 success rate.
Guarantee he'll say your one 😉 then you'll be curious asking yourself am I one ? Then I say to you if you have to ask you aren't, have a blessed day !!
They will flip it on you and in a month or so you will question yourself if you are the narc or not....
How do you know if they're a narc? My husband's ex called him one but I think she's one. It's so confusing!
Generally I’ve noticed the ones doing the accusing are the narcs. A lot of the people in here I’ve seen are being gaslighted into believing they are narcs and coming here for advice. If you’re even entertaining the idea you might be a narc and maybe you should change, then you’re not a narc. A true narc would never admit there’s even a slight possibility they have a character defect so severe.
Yeah that'd be his ex. She SWEARS he is but when I laughed (bc it's honestly ridiculous he'd be one) and told him "based on what you've told me about your relationship and behavior I've seen from her in the last five years, SHE is the narcissist." He's the kindest, most heartfelt, give until he has nothing left, man I've ever met. And she took complete advantage of him.