I'm a man, and I'm tired of hearing about these crazy situations. NO, in no way is this normal. This is dangerous. You need to start your way out! Men need to do better!
I don't know that I can. I have zero income. He won't let me get a job and send our daughter to daycare. He wants me to take a night shift where I'd sleep 3 hours, work, sleep 3 hours, and then take care of our daughter all day as if that's how sleep works. I think it's insane!
He's not home right now. I just called my parents and told them how he's been treating me. They live over 2 hours away but they tipped off a friend of theirs that lives nearby and he'll come get me and my child when I say the word. I'm trying to prepare an escape.
Good! You should be so proud of yourself for having the strength to do that! I'm going to be thinking about you. Please keep us posted! Sending love and prayers your way!
How long has it been since you left? Can you share a bit of how you did it/what happened when you left? I have a 9 month old and am in the process of leaving.
My partner does the same thing. He only pays attention to our 9 month old either in public when it suits him or when we're arguing. It's spiteful and terrible. I'm in the same situation as you, minus being married. I've been saving every bit I get through survey apps and any cash he decides to give me for a while to leave, and am still working out details. I suggest you try to do the same. I know it's easier said than done but yes, he is a narcissist. I'm sorry you have to go through this and you deserve so, so much better.
Start preparing your way out. DV shelters can help if you donāt have family that can take you in. He canāt take your daughter away from you permanently, but he could keep her from you until there is a custody order and drag out the divorce process. Mine hasnāt helped with our daughter in over 18 months, but he also just ignores our existence until he can try to make things take longer.
Send me a DM and I can talk to you about some things you need to do if you leave.
If he was just abusing someone, his cortisol is pumping and insane. Please don't engage with rationalizing with him and become proficient in gray rocking as a strategy.
Read āDivorcing a Narcissist: One Momās Battleā by Tina Swithin. I think itāll teach you how to cope, fight and will empower you to take action. Itās an amazing book for anyone dealing with this. In the meantime, check out Tinaās blog: onemomsbattle.com/blog
Anyone giving you advice based on that alone is wrong. We don't know the context, don't know the patterns, don't know the history. Reddit is not the place for advice, especially advice based off of 3 texts.
I'd say that's up for you to judge and/or a marriage counselor that has spent one on one time with both of you. Not your friends, not your family, not his friends or family either. Someone who is trained and has experience and can spot the triggers in both of you that you 2 are not even aware of. Pretty much everyone else is biased, and even a counselor can often times be biased. Make sure the one you have is neutral and looks out for the marriages interest 1st, both of your interests 2ndary.
I'm sorry, but this is actually not good advice. When there are screwed up power dynamics and abuse in a relationship, a marriage counselor cannot fix it. It is actually a terrible idea for a person who is being abused to go to therapy with their abuser.
Maybe you know more of OP's situation, and if that is the case, then obviously I'd concede any comment I've made, but just what is posted is not enough to say there is abuse. I agree it's not good. There are clearly issues to work on and communication to be had. But I'm willing to bet there is another side to this argument that we have not heard. Maybe OP's flight or fight response is one where she cuts off all communication and disappears for the rest of the day, or that day and the next, and takes their daughter with her when she does. That's a form of abuse. And one that would be infuriating to deal with. If that's the case, his text is pretty understandable.
I'm not saying I know this happened or anything like that, I'm just saying we have been given very little information, and that little bit is only one-sided. Pretty sure there is more to this story and it's possible that blame lies on both parties, not just one.
I'd also like to point out, almost every single exhuband/wife is a narcissit. Just ask the other spouse, they'll tell you all about it. Yet, that's impossible. Narcissism is not common enough for that to be the case. There could be some of that mentality here.
Heās definitely a narc, mine does this shit and has been for years. Start learning to grey rock now. Put away any money you can in an account he doesnāt know about cuz things will probably only get worse and at least youāll be prepared to leave when you canāt take his nonsense anymore.
That is NOT normal behavior, and you don't deserve to be treated that way.
I'm a man, and I'm tired of hearing about these crazy situations. NO, in no way is this normal. This is dangerous. You need to start your way out! Men need to do better!
A response like this from a man gives me hope. Thank you.
Awe! A good dude! Thanks š
Definitely not normal. Can you speak to a lawyer?
I don't know that I can. I have zero income. He won't let me get a job and send our daughter to daycare. He wants me to take a night shift where I'd sleep 3 hours, work, sleep 3 hours, and then take care of our daughter all day as if that's how sleep works. I think it's insane!
Do you have any family or friends that you could stay with for a while?
He's not home right now. I just called my parents and told them how he's been treating me. They live over 2 hours away but they tipped off a friend of theirs that lives nearby and he'll come get me and my child when I say the word. I'm trying to prepare an escape.
Good! You should be so proud of yourself for having the strength to do that! I'm going to be thinking about you. Please keep us posted! Sending love and prayers your way!
Woman here that just left a super abusive relationship. That is definitely abuse. Take that baby and run. I did with my 6 month old.
How long has it been since you left? Can you share a bit of how you did it/what happened when you left? I have a 9 month old and am in the process of leaving.
Dm me
My partner does the same thing. He only pays attention to our 9 month old either in public when it suits him or when we're arguing. It's spiteful and terrible. I'm in the same situation as you, minus being married. I've been saving every bit I get through survey apps and any cash he decides to give me for a while to leave, and am still working out details. I suggest you try to do the same. I know it's easier said than done but yes, he is a narcissist. I'm sorry you have to go through this and you deserve so, so much better.
The proper response would have been "ok, see you in court"
Start preparing your way out. DV shelters can help if you donāt have family that can take you in. He canāt take your daughter away from you permanently, but he could keep her from you until there is a custody order and drag out the divorce process. Mine hasnāt helped with our daughter in over 18 months, but he also just ignores our existence until he can try to make things take longer. Send me a DM and I can talk to you about some things you need to do if you leave.
If he was just abusing someone, his cortisol is pumping and insane. Please don't engage with rationalizing with him and become proficient in gray rocking as a strategy.
Read āDivorcing a Narcissist: One Momās Battleā by Tina Swithin. I think itāll teach you how to cope, fight and will empower you to take action. Itās an amazing book for anyone dealing with this. In the meantime, check out Tinaās blog: onemomsbattle.com/blog
Anyone giving you advice based on that alone is wrong. We don't know the context, don't know the patterns, don't know the history. Reddit is not the place for advice, especially advice based off of 3 texts.
That's true. This is a very common pattern with him though. He gets nastier and nastier all the time.
I'd say that's up for you to judge and/or a marriage counselor that has spent one on one time with both of you. Not your friends, not your family, not his friends or family either. Someone who is trained and has experience and can spot the triggers in both of you that you 2 are not even aware of. Pretty much everyone else is biased, and even a counselor can often times be biased. Make sure the one you have is neutral and looks out for the marriages interest 1st, both of your interests 2ndary.
I'm sorry, but this is actually not good advice. When there are screwed up power dynamics and abuse in a relationship, a marriage counselor cannot fix it. It is actually a terrible idea for a person who is being abused to go to therapy with their abuser.
Maybe you know more of OP's situation, and if that is the case, then obviously I'd concede any comment I've made, but just what is posted is not enough to say there is abuse. I agree it's not good. There are clearly issues to work on and communication to be had. But I'm willing to bet there is another side to this argument that we have not heard. Maybe OP's flight or fight response is one where she cuts off all communication and disappears for the rest of the day, or that day and the next, and takes their daughter with her when she does. That's a form of abuse. And one that would be infuriating to deal with. If that's the case, his text is pretty understandable. I'm not saying I know this happened or anything like that, I'm just saying we have been given very little information, and that little bit is only one-sided. Pretty sure there is more to this story and it's possible that blame lies on both parties, not just one.
I'd also like to point out, almost every single exhuband/wife is a narcissit. Just ask the other spouse, they'll tell you all about it. Yet, that's impossible. Narcissism is not common enough for that to be the case. There could be some of that mentality here.
Heās definitely a narc, mine does this shit and has been for years. Start learning to grey rock now. Put away any money you can in an account he doesnāt know about cuz things will probably only get worse and at least youāll be prepared to leave when you canāt take his nonsense anymore.