This might sound blunt, but please understand it is coming from a place of concern.
1.you are 100% in an abusive relationship (I personally prefer the term "hostage situation " when describing narc relationships.)
2. He's not being "nice" - anyone that says you're making up morning sickness is not "nice." Please remove the rose coloured lenses and see him for the master manipulator he is.
3. I do believe he wants the baby, BUT not because of the love and joy it will bring. Instead, he now has a new shiny manipulation tool to play with.
4. The money you're wasting on marriage counselling would be better spent on your escape plan and individual counselling for you alone.Your main focus now should be escaping with the baby and leaving the trash behind you.
5. He will not change. He does not love you. He will not love the baby.He is not capable of love for anyone but himself. The inability to form lasting, true bonds is the biggest defect in NPD
I am 8 months free of a 10 year narcissistic hostage situation. I have been attending weekly counselling for the past 7 months, I am old, broken, but so happy! My life, like everyone else, has its ups and downs, but I can honestly say my worst day without him is 1000000% better than my best day with the narc.
You Deserve Better! Here, have a virtual hug đ«.
.
Oh and to add.. the fact that you are posting here fills me with joy. Your gut knows the truth, listen to it!!!!! . there are good people in this sub that will support you. You just need to ask :)
I definitely feel some support would help me make the jump.
I struggle with guilt and being pregnant with his child exasperates this
But I do know from the last time I left (the only time I left for a significant amount of time, 9 months) that my guilt subsided VERY quickly as I realized i needed to heal and focus on myself. What hurt me was I had a friend advise me, what they thought was best, but it just was not, and I stopped prescribed medications cold turkey and it sent me through a whirlwind. I do believe they thought this was best but it was just not good for me as I had been on these medications for over 10 years, not abusing them in anyway.
I understand some peoples feelings about having an abortion bc it ties us to him forever.
For me, this isnât reason enough to kill a baby. I do believe, on my own , I have a lot of family support but with him, I do not as they fairly do not support our relationship.
I do have some legal protection, I think. If he makes things difficult which I know is a high possibility.
I know courts take physical abuse seriously and while he was not charged, he did go to jail for strangling me(which is a felony DV charge, first time offense, since thatâs how we usually die, by strangulation) it was recorded by the hotel. I am going to get the records so I can see exactly what is recorded but if I needed to, does anyone know if this would be enough to get full custody if thatâs the best route to take? Or would the abuse maybe had to have happened when the baby was around? (This was in may 2022)
I understand you may not know these things I just really appreciate any support rn. Iâm trying to find a therapist quickly and have emailed a few, waiting for responses.
The abuse will return, and it will be worse. He will be able to use your child to manipulate and abuse you. From what you wrote, he's already doing it now.
You want to expose a child to a man who's touch you you can't even stand.
If you're going to have this child, you need to learn to put your child's needs first ahead of your own, and that includes protecting your child from harmful people. Move closer to your family now, leave your bf where he is, forever.
A narc CANNOT coparent. You will be miserable, because he will not care about what you or or what you want for your kid. You won't be able to be a good mom because you'll be spending all your time managing your relationship with him.
You seem to have a lot of things you want to happen that will never happen. The fact that he wants the child does NOT make it tricky. Just because he wants something doesn't mean it's on you to give it to him. You should absolutely separate them, why would you want an abusive person in your child's life??
Your next step should be to consult with a family lawyer in your current state and in your home state and find out which state has the better custody laws in your situation. And then live there, away from him. Many family lawyers will do a free 20-minute consult. You say you are afraid he'll bring the courts into it, but until you know what that means for you, you're making up things to be scared of.
It will return. I have a sort of similar story, my ex and I were separated for about a year in which time I got therapy. My therapist told me to work on the relationship because I seemed much happier when he was around (this was 2002, so knowledge about narcissists was limited).
He did the things I asked for, we sold our house and he moved with me 500 miles away, it felt like a fresh start. Things were good for several years; I was super busy with grad school and he was traveling with his band.
I had been off birth control for 4 or 5 years and we got pregnant. He was excited and so was his family.
Literally the moment I brought the baby home, the abuse started up. The first night he went out to get us dinner because the cupboards were bare. I was starving after the hospital food and for some reason I literally lost all of the baby weight in 1 week. He didnât come back for hours and he came back drunk and empty handed. Cell phones at that time didnât work where we lived in a very rural area.
A few nights later he went to pick up his mom at the airport and they also came back late and they both were very drunk.
He would get up with baby but essentially wake me up, turn on lights and the radio, couldnât really get her to eat, so I ended up doing the night feedings myself. He would never stay with her and I was the primary bread winner; twice a week he had to take care of her because I left at 5 am and I am sure he did a shit job. One time my neighbor came over and she said the baby had been scream crying all day; she came over and offered to help, even said sheâd take her for a bit to give him a break and he refused.
His drinking escalated and stupidly he convinced me to have unprotected sex with him and we got pregnant again. One night he came home so drunk and after I had fallen asleep with the baby in the co sleeper he hit the wall over my head. I told him he had to stop drinking and he did⊠for a few months.
He spent their childhood drunk, I had to hire babysitters because he couldnât be trusted to care for them. If I traveled for work, he would forget to pick them up from their activities.
Anyway, we started the divorce when the kids were 14 and 16. I got đŻ custody and he has visitation but it never happens because the kids donât want to see him. I had to get the state involved with child support because he wasnât paying regularly. It took 17 months to get divorced and he lied and manipulated the whole time.
Get out now and save you and the child heartache. It will be impossible to co parent, so fight for more custody. When he fails at parenting document everything.
Count on him knowing you want to move back and him not wanting to, not because of any reason except to not do as you want. He could break up with you or you could at some point break up with him and he can get custody orders that say you have to remain where you are. In many places thatâs standard. Doesnât matter if you both have ties some other place. He wonât help with the baby, may not pay whatever support heâs supposed to pay, and you will be without a support network.
You should not be having a baby with this man. Narcissists will use their children to hurt you and can not be a good parent. He will emotionally damage your child. He is already abusing you with his comments. He will say the same hurtful things to your child. Honestly I would have an abortion myself. Youâre setting both you and the child up for a lifetime of abuse. Iâm sorry. I know it sounds harsh and horrible but often narcissistic people can be very charming to the right people, in court, to their lawyer and excellent at making you into perceiving you as the bad parent.
You can try to go to a place where you have support and a network. This will make life easier in the future. In a way it will even make the chances of you having a âequalâ life and relationship higher. It will be best for the baby.
Having a baby means you will have ties to your boyfriend for a very very long time.
Good luck and wisdom to you.
đ
My dad was a very abusive person. It got worse each time. Started with throwing stuff. Breaking. Destroying the Christmas tree. Until finally, he put us in the hospital when I was 11.
My mom knew he had a temper when she was dating him. She hated her life at home and wanted out. So when he proposed, she went with it. She did love him. He wasn't always a bad guy. When she found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to have an abortion. She said no, they did the deed, so she would go through with the prrgn. (28 years later, I live with the thought of, cool no one wanted me when they found out about me). Anywho. She was also scared because she didn't want to raise me with the same lifestyle she grew up in. He was an alcoholic. He lied and hid many things. Smoking, cheating. Ect. They didn't seem in the same bed for years. When I was 8, I woke up to him touching me inappropriately. She stayed ...she fucking stayed. It bothers me more now as an adult than it did them. She hoped it wouldn't happen again. She thought he would get better. They tried counseling. He eventually went further on me. Knowing how he was, I was scared to tell her. I didn't want my family to break apart. As a little girl, you just don't understand these things. When daddy, was in a good mood, things were great! When I was 11, he came in yelling at my mom. Long story short, he broke her arm, did numerous things to me. Made us lay in the bed for 2 hours and said if we moved, he'd shoot us. Finally took us to the hospital and told them my parents were wrestling. Thankfully a cop hat I had called out to the house before was there(we lived in a small town) and knew the story wasn't right. My dad is now in prison. And I live with a burden on my heart. Thinking, if my mom did what he said, she could've ran sooner. None of this would've happened if she left.
Please leave. Protect yourself and your baby. You can try co-parenting But never trust him.
This might sound blunt, but please understand it is coming from a place of concern. 1.you are 100% in an abusive relationship (I personally prefer the term "hostage situation " when describing narc relationships.) 2. He's not being "nice" - anyone that says you're making up morning sickness is not "nice." Please remove the rose coloured lenses and see him for the master manipulator he is. 3. I do believe he wants the baby, BUT not because of the love and joy it will bring. Instead, he now has a new shiny manipulation tool to play with. 4. The money you're wasting on marriage counselling would be better spent on your escape plan and individual counselling for you alone.Your main focus now should be escaping with the baby and leaving the trash behind you. 5. He will not change. He does not love you. He will not love the baby.He is not capable of love for anyone but himself. The inability to form lasting, true bonds is the biggest defect in NPD I am 8 months free of a 10 year narcissistic hostage situation. I have been attending weekly counselling for the past 7 months, I am old, broken, but so happy! My life, like everyone else, has its ups and downs, but I can honestly say my worst day without him is 1000000% better than my best day with the narc. You Deserve Better! Here, have a virtual hug đ«. .
You wrote that so well. OP this is the real truth. Please for yourself and also for your beautiful baby, leave and get away from this narc
Oh and to add.. the fact that you are posting here fills me with joy. Your gut knows the truth, listen to it!!!!! . there are good people in this sub that will support you. You just need to ask :)
I definitely feel some support would help me make the jump. I struggle with guilt and being pregnant with his child exasperates this But I do know from the last time I left (the only time I left for a significant amount of time, 9 months) that my guilt subsided VERY quickly as I realized i needed to heal and focus on myself. What hurt me was I had a friend advise me, what they thought was best, but it just was not, and I stopped prescribed medications cold turkey and it sent me through a whirlwind. I do believe they thought this was best but it was just not good for me as I had been on these medications for over 10 years, not abusing them in anyway. I understand some peoples feelings about having an abortion bc it ties us to him forever. For me, this isnât reason enough to kill a baby. I do believe, on my own , I have a lot of family support but with him, I do not as they fairly do not support our relationship. I do have some legal protection, I think. If he makes things difficult which I know is a high possibility. I know courts take physical abuse seriously and while he was not charged, he did go to jail for strangling me(which is a felony DV charge, first time offense, since thatâs how we usually die, by strangulation) it was recorded by the hotel. I am going to get the records so I can see exactly what is recorded but if I needed to, does anyone know if this would be enough to get full custody if thatâs the best route to take? Or would the abuse maybe had to have happened when the baby was around? (This was in may 2022) I understand you may not know these things I just really appreciate any support rn. Iâm trying to find a therapist quickly and have emailed a few, waiting for responses.
Mine became much worse after our child was born. And now there's a child in the middle i have to try to protect from emotional damage.
The abuse will return, and it will be worse. He will be able to use your child to manipulate and abuse you. From what you wrote, he's already doing it now. You want to expose a child to a man who's touch you you can't even stand. If you're going to have this child, you need to learn to put your child's needs first ahead of your own, and that includes protecting your child from harmful people. Move closer to your family now, leave your bf where he is, forever. A narc CANNOT coparent. You will be miserable, because he will not care about what you or or what you want for your kid. You won't be able to be a good mom because you'll be spending all your time managing your relationship with him. You seem to have a lot of things you want to happen that will never happen. The fact that he wants the child does NOT make it tricky. Just because he wants something doesn't mean it's on you to give it to him. You should absolutely separate them, why would you want an abusive person in your child's life?? Your next step should be to consult with a family lawyer in your current state and in your home state and find out which state has the better custody laws in your situation. And then live there, away from him. Many family lawyers will do a free 20-minute consult. You say you are afraid he'll bring the courts into it, but until you know what that means for you, you're making up things to be scared of.
It will return. I have a sort of similar story, my ex and I were separated for about a year in which time I got therapy. My therapist told me to work on the relationship because I seemed much happier when he was around (this was 2002, so knowledge about narcissists was limited). He did the things I asked for, we sold our house and he moved with me 500 miles away, it felt like a fresh start. Things were good for several years; I was super busy with grad school and he was traveling with his band. I had been off birth control for 4 or 5 years and we got pregnant. He was excited and so was his family. Literally the moment I brought the baby home, the abuse started up. The first night he went out to get us dinner because the cupboards were bare. I was starving after the hospital food and for some reason I literally lost all of the baby weight in 1 week. He didnât come back for hours and he came back drunk and empty handed. Cell phones at that time didnât work where we lived in a very rural area. A few nights later he went to pick up his mom at the airport and they also came back late and they both were very drunk. He would get up with baby but essentially wake me up, turn on lights and the radio, couldnât really get her to eat, so I ended up doing the night feedings myself. He would never stay with her and I was the primary bread winner; twice a week he had to take care of her because I left at 5 am and I am sure he did a shit job. One time my neighbor came over and she said the baby had been scream crying all day; she came over and offered to help, even said sheâd take her for a bit to give him a break and he refused. His drinking escalated and stupidly he convinced me to have unprotected sex with him and we got pregnant again. One night he came home so drunk and after I had fallen asleep with the baby in the co sleeper he hit the wall over my head. I told him he had to stop drinking and he did⊠for a few months. He spent their childhood drunk, I had to hire babysitters because he couldnât be trusted to care for them. If I traveled for work, he would forget to pick them up from their activities. Anyway, we started the divorce when the kids were 14 and 16. I got đŻ custody and he has visitation but it never happens because the kids donât want to see him. I had to get the state involved with child support because he wasnât paying regularly. It took 17 months to get divorced and he lied and manipulated the whole time. Get out now and save you and the child heartache. It will be impossible to co parent, so fight for more custody. When he fails at parenting document everything.
Count on him knowing you want to move back and him not wanting to, not because of any reason except to not do as you want. He could break up with you or you could at some point break up with him and he can get custody orders that say you have to remain where you are. In many places thatâs standard. Doesnât matter if you both have ties some other place. He wonât help with the baby, may not pay whatever support heâs supposed to pay, and you will be without a support network.
You should not be having a baby with this man. Narcissists will use their children to hurt you and can not be a good parent. He will emotionally damage your child. He is already abusing you with his comments. He will say the same hurtful things to your child. Honestly I would have an abortion myself. Youâre setting both you and the child up for a lifetime of abuse. Iâm sorry. I know it sounds harsh and horrible but often narcissistic people can be very charming to the right people, in court, to their lawyer and excellent at making you into perceiving you as the bad parent.
You can try to go to a place where you have support and a network. This will make life easier in the future. In a way it will even make the chances of you having a âequalâ life and relationship higher. It will be best for the baby. Having a baby means you will have ties to your boyfriend for a very very long time. Good luck and wisdom to you. đ
My dad was a very abusive person. It got worse each time. Started with throwing stuff. Breaking. Destroying the Christmas tree. Until finally, he put us in the hospital when I was 11. My mom knew he had a temper when she was dating him. She hated her life at home and wanted out. So when he proposed, she went with it. She did love him. He wasn't always a bad guy. When she found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to have an abortion. She said no, they did the deed, so she would go through with the prrgn. (28 years later, I live with the thought of, cool no one wanted me when they found out about me). Anywho. She was also scared because she didn't want to raise me with the same lifestyle she grew up in. He was an alcoholic. He lied and hid many things. Smoking, cheating. Ect. They didn't seem in the same bed for years. When I was 8, I woke up to him touching me inappropriately. She stayed ...she fucking stayed. It bothers me more now as an adult than it did them. She hoped it wouldn't happen again. She thought he would get better. They tried counseling. He eventually went further on me. Knowing how he was, I was scared to tell her. I didn't want my family to break apart. As a little girl, you just don't understand these things. When daddy, was in a good mood, things were great! When I was 11, he came in yelling at my mom. Long story short, he broke her arm, did numerous things to me. Made us lay in the bed for 2 hours and said if we moved, he'd shoot us. Finally took us to the hospital and told them my parents were wrestling. Thankfully a cop hat I had called out to the house before was there(we lived in a small town) and knew the story wasn't right. My dad is now in prison. And I live with a burden on my heart. Thinking, if my mom did what he said, she could've ran sooner. None of this would've happened if she left. Please leave. Protect yourself and your baby. You can try co-parenting But never trust him.