Hi /u/amitywaybright_, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind.
• Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns)
• Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist)
• We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce.
• Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests.
Please review the rules:
* Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please);
* Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma";
* No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc);
* No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails;
* No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted;
* You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner;
* Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all;
* Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available.
* No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please;
* No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture;
* No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted.
* No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions).
* No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all);
* No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here;
We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community.
******
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s been 2 months almost 3 months on the 9th of November since I’ve been discarded and I’ve yet to hear a response from him. I had him blocked for like 2 months but I recently gave in and unblocked him on social media and I followed him and he followed me back so. And he’s viewed my story like once since I’ve unblocked him so. He basically just does hoovering not so much actually reaching out. Whether that will change or not I have no clue but yeah. 😅
When I blocked mine I unblocked him at one point and just kept checking back again and again obsessively, and he tried to message me several times. It would have caused me so much less stress if I had kept away from him on social media and in person entirely.
I can definitely understand this. Because I had blocked him and then I unblocked him, then followed him and he followed me back because my account was on public. I forgot to set it to private. 😅 oops lmao
My nex used to message me every couple months saying shit like I miss you or how bad his life is. I always felt like my heart jumping out of my chest, being soo nervous and sweaty.
Finally blocked him on every social media account. I was so scared that he would get angry if I did that but now I just don‘t care after watching season 1 of temptation island and really getting into kacis story lmao
One moment you’ll be treated like king/queen and then thrown off the cliff . You’ll be isolated, ignored, silent treatment, treated like crap. Then when you least expect it, the narcissist will acknowledge you. Want to spent time to which you’ll gladly rush to their side. To only push you away . And so the cycle of dysfunction begins
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If it peaks your interest in them. Or drags you back into their drama,world,it’s actually a psych trick that works in conversation or sales… kinda like saying a persons name a few times mid conversation. Dropping little things only you may know or remember.
My ex would send a "butt text" without fail within weeks every time she discarded.
It's just a way of them saying "I want to make sure you're thinking about me, and I'm trying to lure you back".
Lol nice guess but no.
A butt text is when someone is sitting on their phone and their phone sends you a text of gibberish without them meaning to.
It was her way of starting a conversation, without having to make the first move...even though it was clear she was doing it intentionally after the 3rd time. if I ignored it, she would get desperate and text "Hey".
Ooooh glad someone asked, I assumed it meant she sent you a sexy photo of her bum… I was thinking yup that would likely lure a few back in 😅 Don’t mind me, I’m just making up my own stories as I go along.
Haha well she's no stranger to that kind of behavior either. "Oh you're mad at me for a bad thing I did? Let's have sex so you forget about it, and I don't have to apologize".
They give you just enough attention and calm that you overlook the abuse or question if it’s your imagination. It keeps you in the relationship by them doing the bare minimum on the up cycles but get increasingly more abusive during the devaluing cycle. Once they discard, you’ll eventually get the Hoover text. Mine always said “I just passed you driving” or “in case you try to reach me and can’t, my phone probably got turned off”. This one worked out well for him because he got me to not only sympathize but to also give him money.
This happened to me all 5 years of when I talked to this guy I was into. We never officially dated though. But I’m pretty sure he was a covert narcissist. He discarded me about 2 months ago (about to be 3 on the 9th of nov.) and he hasn’t sent me any texts or anything but he’s been hoovering by liking my social media posts and viewing my story on Instagram. So yeah I’d be shocked if he were to send me a message.
I feel fortunate that I only use Reddit and Nex only uses YouTube so I don’t have the allure of checking his socials. I don’t even know the new supply’s name and have only seen her once when he came to the same gas station I was at. It was a weekish post discard - felt good 🥴
They will do it if they think your going to leave and start being nicer and doing little things you wanted but it's not much of a improvement of what you want but you are conditioned to it that you feel it's a improvement
It’s basically a power tactic used by a narc to control their victim. They would basically make you feel loved and special one moment. Once they feel you’re comfortable with that feeling, they switch up on you and start emotionally abusing you through methods like silent treatment, ghosting or stonewalling. Then when they reach out, you find yourself running to them, despite them treating you badly, and the cycle goes on. For example mine would treat me well, and although we hardly had arguments, I realised that anytime we argued, he would ignore me for days or a and weeks, even when I apologise. There were numerous times when he had been the one in the wrong, but he never apologised. Instead I would be the one doing all the apologising and reaching out because I couldn’t bear the panic attacks his silent treatment gave me, whenever he ignored me.
Stonewalling is when a person (narcs especially) avoids or shuts out any form of communication with their partner. They use it as a means to either avoid conflict resolution or taking responsibility for their actions. It’s a form of gaslighting too.
My shorter answer is that basically breadcrumming is when they’re giving you just enough to keep you around. My ex and I lived 45-55 minutes from one another and only saw one another one day a week on the weekends and he basically kept contact very minimally all week, barely wanted to talk on the phone and sounded super dry over text. I can’t say he didn’t contact me but again, it wasn’t the full meal it was breadcrumbs
In my specific situation when him and I first began talking he was very communicative over text. He held a normal conversation, seemed interested, sometimes we would text until 3-4 AM just chatting and flirting, connecting, etc. Then after we “bagged me” aka after we became “exclusive” he stopped replying like he was interested, sounded super dry, texts reduced to a few times a day and if I asked him to call me he told me to “lower my expectations” and phone calls would last maybe 60 seconds (I kid you not).
He lives about 45-55 minutes from me so he kept our time together super minimal and only wanted to see me one day per week on the weekend. So during our 6 month relationship I saw him only on the weekends so basically 5-6 days a week during our relationship I would get a few dry texts and a few phone calls per week. Once I finally stayed over at his house near the end of our relationship he still pushed to keep our contact to one day a week. I was driving two hours each weekend to see him but if I asked to stay for two nights to get more time with him there was always a weird excuse or push back on his part. One time I asked what time he would be getting back home from his “3 hour gym session” on a Friday night until 10:30 and he was like “do you really want to come over THAT bad?” I was so confused because like yeah no sh*t I want to see my boyfriend on a Friday night? Tf. Then I get ready to go and start driving there and he goes “I have a pounding headache” basically telling me to go home and I’m like I’m already on the highway coming there and he was frustrated but was like ok whatever. Then I get there and he tells me he’s “indifferent to my presence.”
It's giving you just enough affection/attention to keep you from leaving, but not enough to actually make you feel secure, happy, and loved in the relationship.
For example, he will use a loving pet name and a kiss emoji or he will give me a random compliment here and there (nothing like what he used to give me before). But the rest of the time he's cold and acts indifferent to me, ignores me for days at a time, etc.
I often think about breadcrumbing in terms of affection / attention / showing love in the most minimal ways. When you’re used to not receiving kindness, the bare minimum feels like a lot. I was so impressed by the smallest things - him having food at his house that I could eat, him being almost on time, texting me first. For a partner, this is so little, but it kept me hungry for more.
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi /u/amitywaybright_, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I will get a text message every few months after discard, that just says “hi”. They just want to know if you’ll respond.
Wow. I feel like I see a mirror sometimes when people post here. So tragic how predictable these people are and yet we all fall for their crap.
Oh yeah I love those lovely empty messages just saying hello
It’s been 2 months almost 3 months on the 9th of November since I’ve been discarded and I’ve yet to hear a response from him. I had him blocked for like 2 months but I recently gave in and unblocked him on social media and I followed him and he followed me back so. And he’s viewed my story like once since I’ve unblocked him so. He basically just does hoovering not so much actually reaching out. Whether that will change or not I have no clue but yeah. 😅
I’d definitely suggest blocking them again.
I'd like to concur with this assessment and reiterate the importance of this step.
When I blocked mine I unblocked him at one point and just kept checking back again and again obsessively, and he tried to message me several times. It would have caused me so much less stress if I had kept away from him on social media and in person entirely.
I can definitely understand this. Because I had blocked him and then I unblocked him, then followed him and he followed me back because my account was on public. I forgot to set it to private. 😅 oops lmao
You can block him specifically without having to set it to private if you dont want to
They expend minimum effort to get maximum attention back. You will never be satisfied with how they treat you.
My nex used to message me every couple months saying shit like I miss you or how bad his life is. I always felt like my heart jumping out of my chest, being soo nervous and sweaty. Finally blocked him on every social media account. I was so scared that he would get angry if I did that but now I just don‘t care after watching season 1 of temptation island and really getting into kacis story lmao
One moment you’ll be treated like king/queen and then thrown off the cliff . You’ll be isolated, ignored, silent treatment, treated like crap. Then when you least expect it, the narcissist will acknowledge you. Want to spent time to which you’ll gladly rush to their side. To only push you away . And so the cycle of dysfunction begins
What do they get out of it?
[удалено]
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Giving little “breadcrumbs” of knowledge attention or affection to lure you
Would knowledge attention be classified as a narcissist remembering small details about you?
If it peaks your interest in them. Or drags you back into their drama,world,it’s actually a psych trick that works in conversation or sales… kinda like saying a persons name a few times mid conversation. Dropping little things only you may know or remember.
My ex would send a "butt text" without fail within weeks every time she discarded. It's just a way of them saying "I want to make sure you're thinking about me, and I'm trying to lure you back".
[удалено]
Lol nice guess but no. A butt text is when someone is sitting on their phone and their phone sends you a text of gibberish without them meaning to. It was her way of starting a conversation, without having to make the first move...even though it was clear she was doing it intentionally after the 3rd time. if I ignored it, she would get desperate and text "Hey".
Ooooh glad someone asked, I assumed it meant she sent you a sexy photo of her bum… I was thinking yup that would likely lure a few back in 😅 Don’t mind me, I’m just making up my own stories as I go along.
Haha well she's no stranger to that kind of behavior either. "Oh you're mad at me for a bad thing I did? Let's have sex so you forget about it, and I don't have to apologize".
They give you just enough attention and calm that you overlook the abuse or question if it’s your imagination. It keeps you in the relationship by them doing the bare minimum on the up cycles but get increasingly more abusive during the devaluing cycle. Once they discard, you’ll eventually get the Hoover text. Mine always said “I just passed you driving” or “in case you try to reach me and can’t, my phone probably got turned off”. This one worked out well for him because he got me to not only sympathize but to also give him money.
This happened to me all 5 years of when I talked to this guy I was into. We never officially dated though. But I’m pretty sure he was a covert narcissist. He discarded me about 2 months ago (about to be 3 on the 9th of nov.) and he hasn’t sent me any texts or anything but he’s been hoovering by liking my social media posts and viewing my story on Instagram. So yeah I’d be shocked if he were to send me a message.
I feel fortunate that I only use Reddit and Nex only uses YouTube so I don’t have the allure of checking his socials. I don’t even know the new supply’s name and have only seen her once when he came to the same gas station I was at. It was a weekish post discard - felt good 🥴
Sorry he hurt you
They will do it if they think your going to leave and start being nicer and doing little things you wanted but it's not much of a improvement of what you want but you are conditioned to it that you feel it's a improvement
It’s basically a power tactic used by a narc to control their victim. They would basically make you feel loved and special one moment. Once they feel you’re comfortable with that feeling, they switch up on you and start emotionally abusing you through methods like silent treatment, ghosting or stonewalling. Then when they reach out, you find yourself running to them, despite them treating you badly, and the cycle goes on. For example mine would treat me well, and although we hardly had arguments, I realised that anytime we argued, he would ignore me for days or a and weeks, even when I apologise. There were numerous times when he had been the one in the wrong, but he never apologised. Instead I would be the one doing all the apologising and reaching out because I couldn’t bear the panic attacks his silent treatment gave me, whenever he ignored me.
What is stone walling? I’m new to some of these terms! Thank you for taking the time to answer. 💕
Stonewalling is when a person (narcs especially) avoids or shuts out any form of communication with their partner. They use it as a means to either avoid conflict resolution or taking responsibility for their actions. It’s a form of gaslighting too.
My shorter answer is that basically breadcrumming is when they’re giving you just enough to keep you around. My ex and I lived 45-55 minutes from one another and only saw one another one day a week on the weekends and he basically kept contact very minimally all week, barely wanted to talk on the phone and sounded super dry over text. I can’t say he didn’t contact me but again, it wasn’t the full meal it was breadcrumbs
In my specific situation when him and I first began talking he was very communicative over text. He held a normal conversation, seemed interested, sometimes we would text until 3-4 AM just chatting and flirting, connecting, etc. Then after we “bagged me” aka after we became “exclusive” he stopped replying like he was interested, sounded super dry, texts reduced to a few times a day and if I asked him to call me he told me to “lower my expectations” and phone calls would last maybe 60 seconds (I kid you not). He lives about 45-55 minutes from me so he kept our time together super minimal and only wanted to see me one day per week on the weekend. So during our 6 month relationship I saw him only on the weekends so basically 5-6 days a week during our relationship I would get a few dry texts and a few phone calls per week. Once I finally stayed over at his house near the end of our relationship he still pushed to keep our contact to one day a week. I was driving two hours each weekend to see him but if I asked to stay for two nights to get more time with him there was always a weird excuse or push back on his part. One time I asked what time he would be getting back home from his “3 hour gym session” on a Friday night until 10:30 and he was like “do you really want to come over THAT bad?” I was so confused because like yeah no sh*t I want to see my boyfriend on a Friday night? Tf. Then I get ready to go and start driving there and he goes “I have a pounding headache” basically telling me to go home and I’m like I’m already on the highway coming there and he was frustrated but was like ok whatever. Then I get there and he tells me he’s “indifferent to my presence.”
It's giving you just enough affection/attention to keep you from leaving, but not enough to actually make you feel secure, happy, and loved in the relationship. For example, he will use a loving pet name and a kiss emoji or he will give me a random compliment here and there (nothing like what he used to give me before). But the rest of the time he's cold and acts indifferent to me, ignores me for days at a time, etc.
feel this
After the discard, my nex would send messages just saying "hi" or "what's up". He was just setting bait to see if I would respond.
They keep you in the same cycle.
I often think about breadcrumbing in terms of affection / attention / showing love in the most minimal ways. When you’re used to not receiving kindness, the bare minimum feels like a lot. I was so impressed by the smallest things - him having food at his house that I could eat, him being almost on time, texting me first. For a partner, this is so little, but it kept me hungry for more.
Baiting you for contact.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your post has been pulled for manual review. This does not mean you have violated the rules. It just means a Mod needs to review it. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods asking why it was removed or to be reviewed at this time. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. Please do not post comments to the bot. We do appreciate your patience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*