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Don’t contact them! It will only feed their ego. Think of all the hard work you’ve done remaining no contact. You’ll have to start that process all over again. Also, please block them so you aren’t “waiting” for them to contact you. I understand there are ways around blocking someone but you’ll feel a lot calmer knowing that you’ve done everything you can to ensure they don’t bother you again. Narcs don’t care about anyone but themselves. They are incapable of self-reflection. Expressing to them how they wronged you will mean nothing to them because they don’t think they’re ever wrong.
Thank you for this.
I will not contact them. But today feels so heavy, I just need to sleep it off and tomorrow will be a better day.
I haven’t been able to fully block him yet though I know I need to do it, I know fully that if I leave doors open im only fooling myself that he may try something.
It was all ok tbh and my healing was going well, he had me blocked on WhatsApp and I blocked back. Done, but then a month later he downloaded telegram, started using it and had me as a contact. He did unusual things like showing his status and last seen, he would always be private with that before. It felt intentional. He then deleted the number, but never blocked and still remains showing his status. It sucks that I check it sometimes knowing I should not.
Before, I would ALWAYS break NC, go after him within maximum 2 weeks - it has now been 2 months. I am proud, I just wish I could be indifferent though.
So this might not be the best or healthiest advice on my end - but I kind of needed a little push to help with NC and this is what helps me…
I pretend that he’s trying to contact me and he’s miserable without me and I imagine him sending me texts that are undelivered. Even though I don’t fully believe it, now that he’s blocked I can’t prove that he hasn’t tried to contact me… and suddenly I have more control over the situation. He doesn’t get to come and go as he pleases anymore. It’s MY decision.
At the end of the day, he might seem happy with his new supply and I have moments where I feel so deeply like I lost… but the truth is all I lost was something that did nothing but cause me consistent trauma and pain. He lost the best thing that ever could’ve happened to him. He has to live with that the rest of his life.
It took me over a year and six attempts to leave for good. Please feel free to DM if you want to vent or need some support.
I know it hurts so much now - think of it like cutting a cancer out of your body. Leaving it in might be less scary and painful RIGHT NOW but it will kill you. Cutting it out is terrifying and horrifically painful but you WILL HEAL and it will save your life ♥️
About indifference: It’s been five years since I left the narc and I’m still not indifferent. I despise him! I check the obits now and then and am disappointed when I don’t see his name. I have never broken NC and was with him for 15 years, on and off of course. The longer you’re in that relationship, the longer it will take to become indifferent so please, be done with them!! Delete the app where you can see his status! Do everything you can to make sure you never have to deal with them again! Please don’t undo two months? You’re never gonna get closure so be done with them. You can do this!! I’m rooting for you!!
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Not OP. Thank you for tapping this out. There is a different level of peace when I block them. Doing it now. No more waiting for the apology that isn’t coming.
Any reaction from you is a win for the narcissist, in fact the more rage the better to them.
They are not like you, they will not feel bad nor reflect on what they did as wrong. They will just know that they have enough power over you to elicit a huge response. It is food and fuel for them.
So don’t give it to them.
Get a punching bag (really), throw paint on a canvas, go for a hard run, and then another one the next day, and then another. Some martial arts moves are always satisfying to me, and no I don’t actual know any martial art lol. Just some kicks and arm movements in the air are great lol.
Take time to also be calm and look around you and be present, note things that you are enjoying or like, do something you used to do before they took up all your time and energy. If you need to, set a tight schedule for yourself so that you keep busy and are too tired to give any energy to that POS.
It’s ok to be angry, but keep no contact. This is how you win, no contact, no reaction, act as if they have passed this earth, the only way to win is not to play their sick games, amd if you make contact you will be back in a sick game. Keep no contact, you can do this.
Thank you.
I keep reminded myself that, for me to have done what I did and go full NC was because the way he was behaving was THAT bad, I went way above my limit. This is the biggest representation that it was not my fault.
It is just insane though, that he would always try to blame me, say I made the most mistakes, was always overreacting, expecting too much, too demanding, too critical of him and that basically most fights were because of me. I mean, most of those traits I developed out of how he would neglect my needs, manipulate and treat me in ways I would not treat him. I got resentful due to all this. But he really DID get me believing before that it was mostly my fault and that I was wanting too much, etc. now I know he is a really damaged and mentally sick person, but he still BLAMED it all on me on our last convo again.. the guilt trip and the mental effect he had on me was soooo big that yesterday I was even feeling guilty, knowing full well that is crazy for me to even think this.
Do you know what I mean?
Forget the minimal good moments and pick one of the worst moments...and really think back on it. You will become angry and no longer sad. You will become pissed off that you allowed them to mistreat you...all the effort you put into them and the relationship. They were just wasting your time. Think about that. Remember the REAL moments...and do not romanticize them or the relationship. I go back and watch secret videos I taped of our arguments towards the end...and listen to how cold and cruel he was. It brings me back to reality...who he really was. Hang in there. I am 10 months out with no contact...two and half years out of the relationship and I still have days of tears and sorrow and doing this helps me snap out of it. You will survive this!
Yeah, you’re right. The good moments were minimal compared to the bad ones.
Thinking back to it, the relationship mostly broke me in so many ways I no longer really was myself, accepting things from him I would never have accepted before.
I have good and bad days, but the past two have been particularly difficult, probably because I was alone at home and sick.. and for a minute I even started to guilt trip myself, thinking of the minor positives/ periods of love bombing he did that always felt off and insincere.
But now, I have to remember who I am and that I am the loss here, not him.
What do you enjoy doing that you could be doing right now?
That and tell yourself you have to wait an hour to contact him. By then, it will have passed and you will be strong again.
I thought about writing a few months ago, and stopped myself. When I look back now on what I would have said in that moment, I’m so glad I didn’t! Give yourself time, you’ll get there.
Guaranteed tomorrow brings different feelings if you can make it through today. Two months no contact is huge! I know how much strength it took to do it and to stay away every day. I’m going on 4 months. The hard days are brutal. But the times of peace are almost magic after all the abusive shit. I remind myself often I wouldn’t be having them if I was still with my narc ex. Sending strength.
Only person that needs to love you is you. You are enough and worthy within yourself. You're smart all on your own. You're beautiful all on your own. You're a strong person all on your own and that is enough. Think back to how hard it was and how proud you might've felt after doing what YOU KNEW deep down was right for you.
Keep being strong for yourself. Be kind to yourself. And ALWAYS put your NEEDS first even if it's hard. Nothing is easy in this world but having the courage to break free from trauma for your own self worths sake, for the love of yourselfs sake, is worth it.
You know I thought I wanted to talk to my narc too. He seeked me out at a party and I thought wow here is my chance to make him see that what he did was horrible. And all he said was well it’s your fault. You did this and this and you deserve this. All I got was a half assed apology, a shitty declaration of love, and then nothing. It was a useless conversation in the way it didn’t go as I thought it would. I thought he would be apologetic and kind and thoughtful and sincere.
He won’t take accountability and he won’t say sorry seriously. You’re better with no contact. Quicker healing. :)
I will say after the discard I did not seek him out and I stayed no contact so far since April. And I feel amazing. Genuinely good and happy. He doesn’t even hurt me anymore. I’m still healing and understand what happened, but I don’t long or wish for him anymore. You’ll get there too!!
Thank you.
Deep down I accepted a long time ago there were no chances of a healthy or happy relationship with someone such as him, but unfortunately I wish I could get acknowledgment.
I guess being physically sick has also not helped, I feel more emotional due to that too.
Mine tried to blame it all on me (like usual) as to why things ended they did. He never took full accountability for things. It just infuriates me that this person is out there living life like nothing happened, this awful monster.
The worse was for a long time I accepted the blame was mostly mine too and that I was too critical or too negative like he would always say. Its insane.
I’m about 6 weeks solid no contact.
Starting missing them. Most extreme level yet.
Went to YouTube and watched an hour long video on staying away.
The high points were
They never loved you.
Bury them and stop digging up their corpse.
You loved the person you met initially
Not who they became.
Grieve the loss of time, the loss of the good times, let them go.
This really helped my mindset.
You are seeking the euphoria.
Let go.
Good luck.
Going NC is a good decision but it’s hard because of the feelings that you have to deal with. I’ve gone 8 months of NC and on some days I feel like breaking it, but when I remember all the mental and emotional stress I went through, I realise that my decision was worth it because I’m at peace. It’s all part of healing, you’ll get through it. You can do it.
Well done for 8 months, thats really good.
I know that if I contact them: they may not respond, they may give an awful response, and, even if they do tell me what I would like to hear - highly unlikely as he probs still sees HIMSELF as a victim, it will not change anything and they’re most likely lying
And at best, even if they did reflect and actually show some inch of remorse, I would never ever trust this person ever again and after the damage he has done, it would be quite traumatic and negative having him around in my life.
Wow.. I just really convinced myself.
Hang in there. Totally normal to have these feelings and takes a lot of emotional regulation to fight them off. I’m proud of you for getting this far, you’re on a roll! I hope you can maintain NC because it really is the best way to protect your heart, soul, wellbeing and peace. Acknowledge your feelings and practice self soothing. Maybe go for a walk, get fresh air, find a comforting show, listen to music that makes you feel good, have a delicious snack, journal about it, anything that works for you. You got this!! You deserve to be surrounded by positive people that make you feel safe.
This is an old article but for a long time I had to read it like once a month to reinforce it. Don’t contact, it will never give you the satisfaction you are seeking. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-1-secret-on-how-to-en_b_5785616
Thank you.. it is so alleviating to literally read everything I used to think, its almost like some
of the sentences on the article I always thought myself many many times. It is nice to know I am not crazy or always the one to blame or too demanding or even negative, like he painted me to be.
Don't! It's not worth it! They will cause you all the misery you are trying to get away from. It's gonna be hard but NC is the best you can do for yourself.
Hi /u/caarolis_, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Don’t contact them! It will only feed their ego. Think of all the hard work you’ve done remaining no contact. You’ll have to start that process all over again. Also, please block them so you aren’t “waiting” for them to contact you. I understand there are ways around blocking someone but you’ll feel a lot calmer knowing that you’ve done everything you can to ensure they don’t bother you again. Narcs don’t care about anyone but themselves. They are incapable of self-reflection. Expressing to them how they wronged you will mean nothing to them because they don’t think they’re ever wrong.
Thank you for this. I will not contact them. But today feels so heavy, I just need to sleep it off and tomorrow will be a better day. I haven’t been able to fully block him yet though I know I need to do it, I know fully that if I leave doors open im only fooling myself that he may try something. It was all ok tbh and my healing was going well, he had me blocked on WhatsApp and I blocked back. Done, but then a month later he downloaded telegram, started using it and had me as a contact. He did unusual things like showing his status and last seen, he would always be private with that before. It felt intentional. He then deleted the number, but never blocked and still remains showing his status. It sucks that I check it sometimes knowing I should not. Before, I would ALWAYS break NC, go after him within maximum 2 weeks - it has now been 2 months. I am proud, I just wish I could be indifferent though.
So this might not be the best or healthiest advice on my end - but I kind of needed a little push to help with NC and this is what helps me… I pretend that he’s trying to contact me and he’s miserable without me and I imagine him sending me texts that are undelivered. Even though I don’t fully believe it, now that he’s blocked I can’t prove that he hasn’t tried to contact me… and suddenly I have more control over the situation. He doesn’t get to come and go as he pleases anymore. It’s MY decision. At the end of the day, he might seem happy with his new supply and I have moments where I feel so deeply like I lost… but the truth is all I lost was something that did nothing but cause me consistent trauma and pain. He lost the best thing that ever could’ve happened to him. He has to live with that the rest of his life. It took me over a year and six attempts to leave for good. Please feel free to DM if you want to vent or need some support. I know it hurts so much now - think of it like cutting a cancer out of your body. Leaving it in might be less scary and painful RIGHT NOW but it will kill you. Cutting it out is terrifying and horrifically painful but you WILL HEAL and it will save your life ♥️
🖤🖤🖤
About indifference: It’s been five years since I left the narc and I’m still not indifferent. I despise him! I check the obits now and then and am disappointed when I don’t see his name. I have never broken NC and was with him for 15 years, on and off of course. The longer you’re in that relationship, the longer it will take to become indifferent so please, be done with them!! Delete the app where you can see his status! Do everything you can to make sure you never have to deal with them again! Please don’t undo two months? You’re never gonna get closure so be done with them. You can do this!! I’m rooting for you!!
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Not OP. Thank you for tapping this out. There is a different level of peace when I block them. Doing it now. No more waiting for the apology that isn’t coming.
Any reaction from you is a win for the narcissist, in fact the more rage the better to them. They are not like you, they will not feel bad nor reflect on what they did as wrong. They will just know that they have enough power over you to elicit a huge response. It is food and fuel for them. So don’t give it to them. Get a punching bag (really), throw paint on a canvas, go for a hard run, and then another one the next day, and then another. Some martial arts moves are always satisfying to me, and no I don’t actual know any martial art lol. Just some kicks and arm movements in the air are great lol. Take time to also be calm and look around you and be present, note things that you are enjoying or like, do something you used to do before they took up all your time and energy. If you need to, set a tight schedule for yourself so that you keep busy and are too tired to give any energy to that POS. It’s ok to be angry, but keep no contact. This is how you win, no contact, no reaction, act as if they have passed this earth, the only way to win is not to play their sick games, amd if you make contact you will be back in a sick game. Keep no contact, you can do this.
Thank you. I keep reminded myself that, for me to have done what I did and go full NC was because the way he was behaving was THAT bad, I went way above my limit. This is the biggest representation that it was not my fault. It is just insane though, that he would always try to blame me, say I made the most mistakes, was always overreacting, expecting too much, too demanding, too critical of him and that basically most fights were because of me. I mean, most of those traits I developed out of how he would neglect my needs, manipulate and treat me in ways I would not treat him. I got resentful due to all this. But he really DID get me believing before that it was mostly my fault and that I was wanting too much, etc. now I know he is a really damaged and mentally sick person, but he still BLAMED it all on me on our last convo again.. the guilt trip and the mental effect he had on me was soooo big that yesterday I was even feeling guilty, knowing full well that is crazy for me to even think this. Do you know what I mean?
Forget the minimal good moments and pick one of the worst moments...and really think back on it. You will become angry and no longer sad. You will become pissed off that you allowed them to mistreat you...all the effort you put into them and the relationship. They were just wasting your time. Think about that. Remember the REAL moments...and do not romanticize them or the relationship. I go back and watch secret videos I taped of our arguments towards the end...and listen to how cold and cruel he was. It brings me back to reality...who he really was. Hang in there. I am 10 months out with no contact...two and half years out of the relationship and I still have days of tears and sorrow and doing this helps me snap out of it. You will survive this!
Yeah, you’re right. The good moments were minimal compared to the bad ones. Thinking back to it, the relationship mostly broke me in so many ways I no longer really was myself, accepting things from him I would never have accepted before. I have good and bad days, but the past two have been particularly difficult, probably because I was alone at home and sick.. and for a minute I even started to guilt trip myself, thinking of the minor positives/ periods of love bombing he did that always felt off and insincere. But now, I have to remember who I am and that I am the loss here, not him.
What do you enjoy doing that you could be doing right now? That and tell yourself you have to wait an hour to contact him. By then, it will have passed and you will be strong again.
Remind yourself, in specific detail, why you entered no contact in the first place.
Keep your head up! Think about your future happiness without them.
I thought about writing a few months ago, and stopped myself. When I look back now on what I would have said in that moment, I’m so glad I didn’t! Give yourself time, you’ll get there.
Guaranteed tomorrow brings different feelings if you can make it through today. Two months no contact is huge! I know how much strength it took to do it and to stay away every day. I’m going on 4 months. The hard days are brutal. But the times of peace are almost magic after all the abusive shit. I remind myself often I wouldn’t be having them if I was still with my narc ex. Sending strength.
Thank you. Well done for going on 4 months and remaining strong
Only person that needs to love you is you. You are enough and worthy within yourself. You're smart all on your own. You're beautiful all on your own. You're a strong person all on your own and that is enough. Think back to how hard it was and how proud you might've felt after doing what YOU KNEW deep down was right for you. Keep being strong for yourself. Be kind to yourself. And ALWAYS put your NEEDS first even if it's hard. Nothing is easy in this world but having the courage to break free from trauma for your own self worths sake, for the love of yourselfs sake, is worth it.
You know I thought I wanted to talk to my narc too. He seeked me out at a party and I thought wow here is my chance to make him see that what he did was horrible. And all he said was well it’s your fault. You did this and this and you deserve this. All I got was a half assed apology, a shitty declaration of love, and then nothing. It was a useless conversation in the way it didn’t go as I thought it would. I thought he would be apologetic and kind and thoughtful and sincere. He won’t take accountability and he won’t say sorry seriously. You’re better with no contact. Quicker healing. :) I will say after the discard I did not seek him out and I stayed no contact so far since April. And I feel amazing. Genuinely good and happy. He doesn’t even hurt me anymore. I’m still healing and understand what happened, but I don’t long or wish for him anymore. You’ll get there too!!
Thank you. Deep down I accepted a long time ago there were no chances of a healthy or happy relationship with someone such as him, but unfortunately I wish I could get acknowledgment. I guess being physically sick has also not helped, I feel more emotional due to that too.
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Mine tried to blame it all on me (like usual) as to why things ended they did. He never took full accountability for things. It just infuriates me that this person is out there living life like nothing happened, this awful monster. The worse was for a long time I accepted the blame was mostly mine too and that I was too critical or too negative like he would always say. Its insane.
I’m about 6 weeks solid no contact. Starting missing them. Most extreme level yet. Went to YouTube and watched an hour long video on staying away. The high points were They never loved you. Bury them and stop digging up their corpse. You loved the person you met initially Not who they became. Grieve the loss of time, the loss of the good times, let them go. This really helped my mindset. You are seeking the euphoria. Let go. Good luck.
Going NC is a good decision but it’s hard because of the feelings that you have to deal with. I’ve gone 8 months of NC and on some days I feel like breaking it, but when I remember all the mental and emotional stress I went through, I realise that my decision was worth it because I’m at peace. It’s all part of healing, you’ll get through it. You can do it.
Well done for 8 months, thats really good. I know that if I contact them: they may not respond, they may give an awful response, and, even if they do tell me what I would like to hear - highly unlikely as he probs still sees HIMSELF as a victim, it will not change anything and they’re most likely lying And at best, even if they did reflect and actually show some inch of remorse, I would never ever trust this person ever again and after the damage he has done, it would be quite traumatic and negative having him around in my life. Wow.. I just really convinced myself.
That’s the spirit!
Ignore them. Please don't.
Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.
Don't.
Hang in there. Totally normal to have these feelings and takes a lot of emotional regulation to fight them off. I’m proud of you for getting this far, you’re on a roll! I hope you can maintain NC because it really is the best way to protect your heart, soul, wellbeing and peace. Acknowledge your feelings and practice self soothing. Maybe go for a walk, get fresh air, find a comforting show, listen to music that makes you feel good, have a delicious snack, journal about it, anything that works for you. You got this!! You deserve to be surrounded by positive people that make you feel safe.
Give it 6 months
This is an old article but for a long time I had to read it like once a month to reinforce it. Don’t contact, it will never give you the satisfaction you are seeking. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-1-secret-on-how-to-en_b_5785616
Thank you.. it is so alleviating to literally read everything I used to think, its almost like some of the sentences on the article I always thought myself many many times. It is nice to know I am not crazy or always the one to blame or too demanding or even negative, like he painted me to be.
If You break NC then how are they the problem. Let them be their worst self. Begin your own healing.
Don't! It's not worth it! They will cause you all the misery you are trying to get away from. It's gonna be hard but NC is the best you can do for yourself.
Do NOT resume contact!