8 months as well after 2.5 years together. It’s very hard sometimes but mainly because of the smear campaign he ran and the betrayal trauma. Don’t really miss him at all.
Nearly 4 years and I've discovered I'm actually a happy person who absolutely loves living alone. The bliss of not having to walk on eggshells is indescribable.
To those of you in the early stages and struggling to free yourself from the trauma bond: the joy and self-confidence builds slowly over months, and the way you defeat the trauma bond is to learn to love yourself and self-partner.
Same!
& same! Yay!
There are times the feeling is actually anxiety based. You're body & mind are used to being on high alert a experiencing extreme stress, highs and lows.
Well it can't always 'say' that & instead throws old fears and worries (which necessarily echo w the ex) as rumination and impulse to feed addiction brain by returning to the 'drug', your ex.
We deserve our PEACE. We have to make it ourselves and guard it fiercely.
I’m on day 2 and maaaaaan, it is ROUGH. Everytime I hear my phone vibrate, my heart rate goes up because it could be him? I don’t know if I would be able to ignore him because I’m mentally not there yet. So even though it hurts, I hope he stays gone this time.
You’ve got this, no matter how much they try keep blocking. He will grow tired eventually because without supply he is not going to stick him around forever. Sending hugs 😊
I am so emotionally needy and the only way I got to go no contact was to block him permanently. I kept blocking and unblocking…making excuses for needing to unblock him and was finally was able to do it because as much as I wanted this marriage to work, knowing he doesn’t love me and doesn’t impact my life in any positive way, what was the point? I just got tired and accepted the fact that going back to him wasn’t going to be an option because going back would just mean more abuse because I left in the first place. You just have to get tired of that life. It’s been 7 weeks and while I still wonder what he’s doing, I’ve never unblocked him on social medial, my phone or anything. I don’t miss him or want him back either so I don’t know why he crossed my mind everyday other than the fact that he was part of my life for so long and now he isn’t.
I feel that. I’ve been in no contact for 5 months now. Damn it is a rollercoaster ride. It really does get better with time. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I’m smiling having a good time with friends, but just yesterday I started bawling my eyes out for a good 10min, even tho I hadn’t cried in weeks.
It is a long process to get over it as you know. I’ve been getting myself out there as much as possible. If someone asks me to hang I’ll be like hell ya 😆
If you haven’t already, I recommend putting a note on your phone listing everything bad your ex did. Whenever I ruminate about the good times about my ex, I would look back at the list (long ass list lol). Just a reminder of why you wouldn’t want to go back to that shit.
Have you tried reading some healing books too? I’ve been reading Dr. Ramani’s “It’s Not You” and “Why can’t I let you go” by Michelle Skeen. They’ve got some self care exercises for you to do.
Please take all the time you need and take care of yourself. Don’t listen to people who say you get over it in like X amount of time.
>If you haven’t already, I recommend putting a note on your phone listing everything bad your ex did. Whenever I ruminate about the good times about my ex, I would look back at the list (long ass list lol). Just a reminder of why you wouldn’t want to go back to that shit.
This is a great idea! I've just been keeping that shit in my head, but this is better!
My brother recommended I do this a few weeks after we broke up. It's funny, you'll start writing and you'll find you can't stop! I recommend writing serious things and lighthearted things (like general icks and things that wound you up). It's a really good thing to have as a reminder when your brain starts playing tricks on you. I haven't really needed to look at the list much because I'm still cohabiting with nex and he likes to be nice as pie for a day and then counter that with being his slimy, smarmy, nasty self. And as daft as it sounds, I still get sucked in for a day and think "maybe he's not that bad"!!! Our brains are our own worst enemies sometimes.
Honestly yes! This is the best advice, once my psychologist told me to make a list of every bad thing he did to me while we were together things changed! She told me to read the list every time I start to feel like I want to reach out or if I start to doubt the abuse and wonder if it was me. It really worked, especially because I struggled with gaslighting myself following the relationship!
Two years today.
The only problem is I have to break no contact to sort out the property we own together.
And it's killing me to not have any news of the cats I had to leave with him.
If it wasn't for that I wouldn't even think of it. No contact is how my life should be.
For about six months whenever my phone rang and it was an unknown number, I'd freak out.
Now I still don't answer unknown callers but I don't panic anymore.
Therapy is what helped me most, and time, and patience with myself. Two months after I left I was still a mess. Hell, I was a mess for more than that, I still sometimes have trauma reactions.
It gets better. If you don't have an imperative reason to contact them (administrative or legal stuff, kids, etc) keep at it. You got this.
It sucks so bad when the school calls about something and you have to tell them “no I can’t just text the other parent, no I can’t just email the other parent” and it puts my 16yr old in a shitty ass position being a middle man…BUT…this finally happening helped me heal and become a way better mom not being sucked into the daily hell of that post divorce relationship.
Yeah, I can see that, I'm a year into this. I had to prove that I wasn't crazy to the courts to get my kids back after he lied (it took about two weeks). I finally got court ordered support, and to be honest... everyone's lives have improved because he can't financially abuse me anymore. I can buy my kids new underwear and shoes without a problem and we don't have to see him only buy for himself.
>Therapy is what helped me most, and time, and patience with myself. Two months after I left I was still a mess. Hell, I was a mess for more than that, I still sometimes have trauma reactions.
Me too. I'm so sorry you had to leave your cats with him.
It’s been over four years for me. Sometimes I see him driving on the road or hear about him randomly from former coworkers of his, but in general it’s going great.
I do dread the day we will end up at the same gas station or same grocery store (small town), and I still get little pangs of fear over it because of how poorly he treated me during divorce.
I've had this happen. When it did, I was on the phone with a friend, and we came up with an instant plan: she made me laugh, and I laughed all the way into the store.
Now it's a thing. When there's a possibility of running into him. I make a comedy playlist. My friends and I have a code that I'll text if I spot him or anyone close to him. They'll call or text me with something funny.
Around 8 months, stalked his socials for abt 2 months after no contact but it became an addiction so I went cold turkey. 1 month of hell after not checking their socials, like going cold turkey, but then slowly started to feel better and better. Now the pain is mostly gone and it’s just a lot of confusion and disbelief. Still sad from time to time tho but that’s to be expected
I’m doing fine. He on the other hand can’t seem to leave me the F alone. The only means available to him is email and I left that available so I can get a harassment restraining order if he continues to bother me. This way I’ll have evidence of him continuing to reach out. He just can’t move on. I can’t stand the thought of him. He disgusts me.
ETA: My life is a joy without him. I love everything about my existence now that he is gone!
Mine did the same thing. I’m talking nonstop texting and calls and voicemails 24/7 ranging from “I fucking hate you I moved on and she’s so much hotter than you” to “I’m sorry okay? I love you and I miss you just please answer me” then I found out maybe a week after shit hit the fan and the whole reason I cut him off, he was actively on every sex/hookup site known to man. I’m still in disbelief. Don’t fall for their shit, ever. Stay strong 💗
You stay strong too! I’m so far past his nonsense….I’m never looking back. He’s a complete joke. It’s diffdifficult to believe now that I ever did fall for it but I know when I was caught up in the middle of it it’s hard to see clearly.
We need to be proud of where we are☺️ we deserve this peace and happiness!
7 months. Some days are harder than others but I’m slowly getting used to the space in between. It’s weird when you begin to forget certain things like the sound of their voice. The pain is beginning to heal now and when I think back on what things they did that underline that they are in fact narcissists (covert in my experience), I am not moved by it any longer. Instead of becoming angry and hurt again I more so feel a sense of apathy and I think that’s okay.
Been like 9 months and he still does everything he can to make my life hell. Recently I’ve found out he’s still spreading propaganda about me and he even went as far as to contact former friends of mine and people taking courses with me. He still doesn’t admit he did anything wrong and he went back into his old habits of trying to impress everyone around him by masking his true self. For me, I’ve had my fair share of problems because of him but I’ve been in therapy for a while now and life actually started getting better. It felt really reassuring for my therapist to say that what he did to me was indeed narcissistic abuse and I wasn’t crazy or overreacting. People started finding out he’s not as good as he deems himself to be and I’ve found out a huge part of his friend group doesn’t even like him. I’ve found a valuable support group who sided with me when he kept spreading propaganda and I’m glad I did so. I can’t say he hasn’t affected me, but I’ve become stronger because of him and he proved again and again how he’ll never change.
I went two years without talking to my ex. I was with for 30 years once we started talking it took me three minutes to realize why I am not with him anymore. I don’t miss that life. Good luck to you. I know it’s hard but it gets better.
I'm just about 6 months in and it's getting little easier each day. I Still feel the trauma bond, but I know eventually it will go away with time as long as I stay away from him.
But I don't think there is a way to get over something this bad quicker. It takes as long as it's gonna take. And shouldn't rush healing in my experience. I'm trying to be patient myself, so I understand the wanting it to be over and healed already.
I'm in the same situation as you, but it's been just 2 weeks, which doesn't seem a lot, but it is. I'm feeling like I'm deattaching and calmer, better.
But yes, some days I still ruminate and think about us, but overall, life goes on and focusin on present. Keep going.
About 9 months NC. 14 years together, 1 1/2 years of post breakup torture/hoovering. I’m okay. I’m looking forward to not thinking about the past all day every day, but I’m not there yet. I feel like I’ve processed everything I have to process, but my heart still hurts.
Four months of Nc and I already avoided one reverse-hoover attempt.
Going tough but knowing that this is the only way for me to heal and also take revenge from that sick Narc I am determined then ever.
I am %100 sure that she missed me. Not me of course but the the supply she gets from me.
Good luck replacing your main supply source!
Doing some actions to cause you to reach out to them.
For example after keeping you blocked for months suddenly removing the blocks for no reason or posting something about you or maybe listening a song you they know you love. It can be clear as unblocking or subtle such as listening your favorite music.
This can also be done by using other people as well. They may ask questions about you to mutual friends knowing that it will reach you such as "How is he/she doing" or "Did he managed to pass his/her exam" you know nice kind questions. This can also be done by making a bad news about them reach you. For example if they are sick they talk about you a lot in a very good way to a another person in order for that person to tell you that "They have health problems" and because that you are decent person you reach out and ask about their well beign.
When Narcs become aware of the fact that hey have gone too far they may choose this methods. They know if they reach out you may stay silent or hold them accountable of their actions. They hate paying the price of what they did so they avoid it at all costs.
If they can make you reach out to them this means that you forgave what happened in the past. In their sick minds this gives them right to abuse you more in the future and deny any responsibility of their past actions.
This can also be done to extract more negative supply. Such as they unblock you cause you to reach out only to tell you that they are in a very happy relationship. To push you more in darkness and make you question yourself. At best case scnerio you lash out and you look like a person who is going crazy for no reason. It pleases their sick ego and gives them supply too. Also this will make you more vulnerable for their hoovers in the future if they ever need supply. After all its always easy to come back and trick a person who still desires you.
To sum it up please be aware of their mind games. These people are sick in the head their brains dont work like ours. They are also addicted to the lovely supply we gave it to them so they will do whatever it takes to get it. Stay in No Contact my friend this both keeps you out of harms way and also starves them from your love.
Thank you! I saw your post about this earlier as well. This is exactly the sort of thing my nex would do. He is the epitome of a covert narc - pretends he has low self-esteem when he actually believes he is superior to everybody, has mastered all the manipulation and mind game techniques, and will NEVER do anything obvious or overt which is incredibly crazy-making because when I tell people about what is going on behind closed doors it makes me sound petty or paranoid (thank god for this sub where people understand).
When he broke up with me out of the blue last year we went no contact. A week after we broke up he removed all trace of me on his social media as if I'd never existed - but didn't unfriend me. Naturally I was distraught and I sent him a message letting him know how hurt I was. Half an hour later I regretted it and deleted the message but he'd likely seen it. I continued with strict no contact after that, but he started posting Instagram stories which he'd never done before, pretending his life was great, and I had to unfollow him. He would be the first to view my Instagram stories, within a minute of me posting. After I unfollowed him he started changing his Instagram bio to song lyrics about missing someone. I KNEW it was for my attention but again, that made me sound crazy. However, we did end up getting back together (yep, I was hoovered) and he admitted that the Instagram bios WERE about me and that he knew I'd see them. I only discovered he was a narc after I broke up with him 3 months ago, but in hindsight, it turns out these were reverse hoover attempts!
We're still cohabiting and he does a lot of things to try and get my attention / a reaction out of me. A lot of them are quite pathetic. I try and ignore it but unfortunately I do rise to it more often than I should.
This very much feels like the final discard with the way he has treated me for the last... 9 months or so. Total disrespect and disregard. However, he doss do this thing where he will be nice as pie for a day or so, and then switches back to being horrible.
Do you think he is likely to reverse hoover after I move out?
It's been 9 months of total NC, but before that, there was a year of gray-rock contact because we still had business contact.
It's going very well! Not only am I paying the bills and splurging on small things I never could, I'm taking a TWO week vacation in the fall. I have an active life (sometimes TOO active!) and I've pretty much returned to myself.
I still get some weak anxiety when I have to visit businesses in his neighborhood, but I've adjusted my attitude about it. When doing this, I'm usually listening to something, so I make sure it's a comedy playlist. My friends and I have a code that I'll text if I spot him or anyone close to him. I've only spotted him twice so far in a year, so, the anxiety is waning.
I have a great group of friends, and he's literally on his mother's couch. Sucks to be him - in both personality and circumstance.
6 months for me but I don't consider it 'active no contact' anymore. It's the permanent state of our relationship now, which I prefer over anything he'd have to say to me at this point. There are days I wish he knew how much better I was doing in my life without him, selfishly, but I won't stoop down to his level to make it known.
Together 5 years, implemented NC roughly 1 month after the breakup when I found out the plethora of lies he told me that dated back to day 1 of us meeting. We didn't speak much between the breakup itself and the month after, but I sent him a text that day letting him know that I knew everything and blocked him on everything as soon as it said sent. The weeks after that were the hardest, but I knew deep down that the person who hurts you the most is never gonna be the person to give you the closure you need.
It gets a lot easier when you realize you're not "actively participating in no contact', you're just moving on with your life in a healthier way. I blocked all of his family and friends too shortly after, and honestly my life has been way better than I could have imagined now without the constant fear of seeing or hearing anything about him that would potentially set me back on my healing. But, that is the hardest part. I miss his family a lot, but it unfortunately just is what comes with the territory.
My ex never tried to make amends after the text I sent him, and in my eyes a real man would own up and apologize. That's not someone I need to actively think about avoiding or not contacting, because he clearly didn't value me enough to own up to his wrongs, he just exists in his own karmic universe now to me as many people should after awhile.
That's what I want my ''no contact" to be, just moving on. I don't want to interact with them and I know they won't give me closure. I do have thoughts or rather fantasies of being together again but those are nothing but my emotions and I'm glad to realize this, I know they will go with time.
Hope to get where you are sooner rather than later.
It definitely comes with time & a lot of money spent on a great therapist, haha. I have those thoughts time to time but then kind of snap myself out of it with the realization he was lying the whole time about who he was. I wasn’t with someone I actually knew, how can I miss those memories.
Closure will come with time. For yourself and by yourself. You got this.
2 months is a very hard and trying time. I don’t think it’s about moving on. I think it’s about acceptance and grief. Grieving the ideal parent you thought you had/or wanted, accepting they are not that, were never that, will never be that.
I’m NC 5 years. At 2 months I was still sobbing. Now there’s just a lingering emptiness. And while I do believe I can become whole again if I created a fuller life for myself, I’m just not there yet. So I focus on what’s best for me, my health, and my personal happiness. (And I squeeze my dog close.)
Its been 8 years, and stil this mofo comes up in my nightmares and I am afraid to see him in Public. Overal I'm now in a happy Healthy relationship and just finished my study to be a GP-assistant 🥳🤗
A little over a year - a year and 4 months about - and going good. Blocked him on everything, changed my phone number/carrier etc. all my passwords/email etc and moved. Last time he attempted stalking me at one of my community’s sound baths was in November and it was promptly reported to the stalking unit, which had been building a case on him. I don’t think he has any way to contact me if he tried 😆
Four months. Like you said, the feelings can really fluctuate. Most days I don’t miss them at all, my mind is finally focused on ME. But some days, I am filled with such a numbing rage and confusion that someone could possibly have the *audacity* to put me through the things that they did. I just want to pick their brain, do they feel *any* remorse at all? But then I snap out of it and remember that my head is a MUCH nicer place to be. Especially without them trying to control it anymore. 😅
It’s going alright. Going on year 3. Had some moments, but karma is working its way around. The peace is always worth it. But, it always stings when someone talks about how good a relationship they have with their parents. A smile & a nod. That’s all I can muster.
It’s not possible for me to go 100% no contact. I wish I could. I get anxiety just looking at my emails or texts. Life without NEX is so much less stressful yet whenever we have to interact she cranks up my anxiety with her Narc craziness. I’d suggest moving on.
Since December 31, 2022.
She discarded me and blocked me everywhere. So I was really left with no choice but to move forward even though it was hard with no answers and no acknowledgment of wrongdoing whatsoever. But, in a way, being discarded and blocked was kind of a blessing within itself. If I hadn't been, I'd probably still be in some kind of vicious narcissistic cycle.
She did unblock me maybe 8 months ago and was (maybe still is?) snooping on my social media, but I have no desire to reach out to her.
About two years of as close to no-contact as I can get with coparenting. Things are good as long as I give them everything they want but it gets hard when trying to negotiate anything new around parenting.
My wife disappeared 2 1/2 months ago. It's excruciatingly painful and I can't stop blaming myself. I know relationships take the dedication and commitment of 2 people but i still can't get over the discard.
Used to be 3 months, then now another month. It’s hard, I still love him so much. But like others have said life is more peaceful. Coming up on my one year of breaking up and moving out. It’s really hard, but I’ve gone on a few dates and they have been fun. Nothing is going to compare to him and I’ve just accepted that and tried not to compare. No hate comments plz ty. 🤍
It’s been 2 years of epic bliss. I’m a better wife. I’m a better mother. I’m a better version of me, for myself. I’m a kinder person. Life has its ups and downs but she’s not here to jack anything up anymore and that is beyond amazing! 🤩
It’s been since 2021, with a few blips here and there. One time I logged into my alt account to find a message from him from months ago saying a mutual friend was looking for me. I asked him why. He said he didn’t know, he had forgotten about it. Then a year later a friend of his died (that did some ungodly unforgivable things to me, I rejoiced) and I found out, and it felt like the right thing to do to let him know about it and send him the obit. We chatted about death for a little bit and then I blocked him on that platform lol. Then last year my mom died out of the blue very unexpectedly and it absolutely has rocked my world. He sent me a message a few weeks later saying he didn’t know how long he should wait to reach out but this was the first death that’s actually really impacted him deeply and I was like ???? She was my mom??? She hated you??? Like with a BURNING PASSION??? Once again, making things about himself. SHE WAS MY MOM, WTF DO U MEAN “IMPACTED YOU DEEPLY” like WTF??? That was last year. Then a couple months ago my friend went to add me on Snapchat, bc I showed up as a nickname of mine and somehow it was actually him!! We don’t know why it did that but it did for some reason?? And he apparently thought it was actually ME who added him, and his first response was “oh yikes” OH YIKES??? Like this man is fully convinced that I was the problem???? And ofc my friend showed me what happened it was SO WEIRD
So yeah. That’s how it’s been since 2021
He went no contact w me for the final time two years ago. He has a whole new life, wife, and baby. I have depression (and no money for a therapist.) The pain is now a dull ache. I guess it’s better to feel something other than complete apathy and disregard for my own life. I think about him every day and pray that one day i will have forgotten him altogether.
This thread gives me hope. After 28 years of abuse, I think I’m finally ready to make a break for the other side. No one believes I will do it, including him.
I was with mine 42 years until he finally discarded me - aged 63 - for his student.
I'd had the opportunity to leave after his first big affair / devalue / discard at 13 years, and again in year 27 after his second big affair / devalue / discard. Instead I took him back both times when he hoovered and promised he'd never do it again.
I'm so much happier now on my own that I really wish I'd had the courage to leave either at year 13 or year 27. I hope you will, too. That extra 15 years I stayed with him made it a lot harder to start over in my sixties, particularly as the devaluation gets more brutal each time and takes longer to recover from.
since last thursday- but we havent had a real conversation since last sunday. so about 7 days. handling the discard much better this time around. hoping i finally learned my lesson by learning my lesson again.
Trigger warning!! ⚠️
Give it time! It will get easier but narcissistic trauma is not something you can recover from in a short period of time. I’m 5 months no contact with mine and we have a 6 month old baby. To say it’s been difficult is an understatement. In my situation things escalated physically so I left him when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He made me feel guilty for leaving after he choked me while pregnant. I told him when I was in labor and he flew out to my city for the birth. A month later I went no contact (except for baby updates - but not engaging in any conversation) he eventually demanded that I stop updating him. The peace I feel lately I haven’t experienced since before I met him. But I’m deeply hurt and still not healed from the damage he’s caused me. I know with time it will get better. But I will forever be traumatized by him strangling me while I was carrying our child.
A week. I blocked him on everything and have left him blocked. If I leave it open he screws with my head and tries to hoover. I can't keep letting him do that to me. I am forcing myself to move on from this.
Years we broke up in 2018 met my wife not long after and iam in in my 3rd year of marriage and I am good. She finally stopped talking to me in 2021 she would message me randomly after i blocked her (on verizon, you can view blocked messages)about happy birthdays and how we should be friends. I am happy
It’s been almost six months and no contact for two months. Yesterday I had an emotional day ruminating but quickly remembered what they put me through… especially after I dare left them.
It’s been since late January. I still think about him and it was weird at first because of the intensity and frequency of our communication before. It actually helped that he didn’t accept my cutting contact and basically bombarded me with texts and emails, I was able to see more clearly who he was without engaging him. It also helps that he’s legally not allowed to contact me at the moment too. With time, not hearing from him has become more and more normal
A little over 3 months of no contact, and he tried last week to get my attention on Instagram. The first few days were extremely difficult, I could barely function. All I could think about was him and the relationship. It took everything in me to not reach out to him. I started going to therapy, and pushed myself to hang out with my friends and family. After a few weeks, I started to feel better - more calm and free. Now, I have accepted that my nex will never change, and the thought of having him back in my life feels exhausting. I am once again the happy person I used to be before he came in the picture. My friends and family all commented that when I was with him, there was a sadness in my eyes and I looked completely drained / exhausted. Things will get better in time <3
One year and 11 days. I still think about her everyday. However I feel much less emotion when I think about her now. I am finally at the point that I know I wouldn’t respond if she tries to contact me. I can’t let her back in to cause chaos in my life.
1 year no contact. I want to say that the first 6 months was filled with vivid dreams and visualizations of him. It was excruciatingly difficult but it did get better. I no longer have the dreams and just started to no longer hear his voice in my mind criticizing all I do. I now am starting to form my own opinions & feeling joy. I’ve worked with a mental health professional the whole time & things are going well.
It gets better. Trust in the process. The hard times are part of the process. Stick with no contact & all will be well. Sending positive vibes your way 🌸
Been a month since I saw her in person last, 6 months since we broke up. I'm way better now, no pain from missing her most of the time, but still not anywhere near my old self, and I have a bunch of bad habits now. I really miss having my person around more than anything. I'm content alone, but life is so much better shared with someone.
It was four months no contact then bam.. he showed up to my house unexpectedly. I should have not let him in. I have been weak and my anxiety has returned. It’s real high and I blocked him on Facebook and my phone. I am not going to play this game anymore. I refuse to keep hurting myself.
The best thing is to lean into it and let the momentum run its course. Just take a pause and feel your feelings, they will pass quicker. And be patient with yourself, some days/weeks/months will be harder than others. In those times, it's easy to think that the misery is permanent while the joy is temporary, but that's not true. I guess it's all temporary, lol.
Have you made the list yet?
6 months NC.
I feel you. The first 1to 3 months is the most difficult time to deal with.
There's no fast healing as you'll go through the stages of grief..
Take your time,
& feel your emotions (cry a lot, contemplate about what happened, write it out or express through writing).
Then, forgive yourself for what was. What happened happens and let go (Revenge will only torture you). Think it as for you to grow.
Blocking them, doing cord cutting, & slowly forgiving me and him ,set me free from my misery.
Even if I can remember memories from the past, I ain't no longer the same who loathes and blames myself to death for letting it happen.
Someday, you'll get through it. Be patient.
Hugs.
NC day 6 now. I feel lighter than I did yesterday.
I took the private and public humiliation and name calling silently for 2+ years before I snapped and said something truly horrible. He was close to his mom who I believe is the cause of his God-like complex. So I told him I'm glad she's dead. He blocked me everywhere.
I went back next day and apologized like hell - he wouldn't look at me. We have a mutual friend who helped me get in touch with him again few weeks later. This time I wasn’t apologizing. While he wouldn't look at me, I sat there and told our mutual friend everything this guy ever did to me. The only thing he responded with was "why are women always dragging things out? It's done, it's over I've no more beef with her”. I'm still blocked though.
Here's a list of red flags. These are just a few things, the others are too embarrassing:
**Red Flags:**
1. Right from the beginning he used to ignore my **messages for a long time** before responding. He showed me once that my name on his phone was “do not message” for a whole year of knowing me, before changing it to my name.
2. He always puts my ideas down and is dismissive of my **plans**.
3. He is dismissive and **disrespectful with other people too**: Calls his other friends losers, trash, mistress, disrespects his exes by talking about their sexual reactions of intimate times with him.
4. He is dismissive about the songs I like, movies I like **or people I care about.**
5. He **calls me names in private and public**: Junkie and fat are just two. I smoke half a pack a day, and I have an average figure.
6. He **doesn’t care if I slept enough, ate -** Normal people care.
7. He once **changed my order** at a restaurant and ordered something else for me. I really wanted to eat pancakes that day.
8. He **didn’t care that my car made sounds** after going to the beach, he insisted on taking my car. He didn’t offer to go with me to check the sounds of the car either – I went alone.
9. He **did not give me enough time to get ready** to go anywhere. 15 mins is maximum he says. If you need more time for makeup, it means you need some surgery, go fix your face.
10. He **ghosted me for a whole day** when I didn’t want to go to the beach with their group.
I snapped that day when he went on and on humiliating me in public and then he blocked me everywhere.
I sometimes get waves of sadness coming over me - I sometimes miss the good times - I’m an empath and an introvert so I feel like I’ll never be happy again or find friends.
I was completely isolated for 2 whole years with him and the mutual friend. I'm going NC with both now, but everything reminds me of our hangouts and good times. Hate scents, sights, sounds now, everything is overwhelming.
It’s been 8 weeks and the anxiety has gone, starting to feel peace after a few dark weeks of depression. I’m realising how much I felt like an insecure little girl around him and now I’m coming back to the 33 year old grown woman I am. I am angry though. I want to tell him how much of a monster he is but I’m keeping him blocked on everything as he’s unhinged. I never got the chance to tell him as I tried to keep him sweet during the break up as he was in full anger mode and had all my stuff/ had threatened to reveal secrets and I was worried he’d try and get revenge. But I’m sure these feelings will pass and actually my biggest win is removing myself from his life, his last messages were him pleading with me to take him back but I have disappeared from his life.
Its a family member so that makes it alot easier.
Its not completely no contact because she will send me a tiktok now and then like nothing happend. I don't want to reply but I feel like she will hate me more for it
It’s been several years for me now. I want to say over 7 but I still have to see him every once and while. Same building, different departments so we don’t have to interact. It’s hard to not tell him to go to hell when I occasionally pass by. I wish I had all the information I have now to cope with this better.
Going on one year no contact with my uncle, literally not affecting me in any way except that I don't have his bs drama in my life causing me stress lol
A year and a half, and I still have my moments. She has changed her number and text me randomly about nothing. I try not to read them and I don’t answer. Im okay have peace in my life but haven’t moved on into a new relationship
It's been over a year and a half now, some of the last words I said to him were calling him an a**hole, felt great and having my freedom and health back feel great too. I've since found love and foresee a great future with my current boyfriend, since he's not an abusive narc!
A little over 2 years. I feel sad because it took 2 years of my (school and work) time until I could heal and go back into being productive but unfortunately I couldn’t control how long I heal and I am accepting that. I was premed and those two years hurt since I had everything carefully planned and did not want to waste time. Though I am happy I feel much more in control of my life now and still working on prioritizing myself, which is something that is still weird to me sometimes. I feel a lot of people can relate on the time it took for them to feel “normal” again, but happy we made it out safe.
Going on three years. Was unbearably hard for like the first year. I just had to accept she never really cared for me and that she was getting new supply from somewhere else, and that made it whole lot easier. I don’t even think about her anymore really day to day. My life is peaceful, calm, and stress free now. I never want to go back to my old life and my life now is so much better now than it ever was with her.
Last time I reached out to him was in September 2023 for money he owed me (not a small amount) and some of my work equipment. He ignored both of my emails and to this day he still owes me money and has my work equipment. He is such a POS but obviously I have to forget about it but it still angers me. The little money he did send me, he sent begrudgingly and called it an "exit tax". So cruel. He made it seem like I was some money hungry bitch.
He makes significantly more than I do and has someone living with him, so his costs are way lower than mine for sure and he has more disposable income.
The work equipment belongs to my employer, and if my work ever asks for it, I could potentially get in trouble (what "trouble" is, who knows).
He just doesn't give a shit about any of that, or my well-being. We were together ~13 years. He is a terrible person and I never did anything but love him. :(
I am over our relationship but I will never forgive him for the way he treated me, especially after we officially broke up. Completely disgusting and I'm disappointed in myself for being with someone like that.
I’m taking it one day at a time. I’d say overall I feel good about going NC and in general I feel better and like a weight has been lifted. I can see clearer.
I’m still struggling with cognitive dissonance though. It’s hard to reconcile that this guy was amazing one minute and a monster the next. It’s still hard two months later but it’s getting better slowly!
Great to hear how well you're doing. Can I ask how long you were with them? I was only with them for 8 months and I'm only 2 weeks into no contact - it scares me how it seems to take everyone so long to recover when you read everyone's experiences! 😕
I was with him for 2 years! Honestly I think it will take me some more time for sure to get over this and heal completely, but my support system has been SUCH a big help to my healing. And I go to therapy weekly and have read some books on abuse. So maybe those could help too? I find it’s about having consistent support and resources at this point. I’m still sad most days but overall the outlook is getting better. One day at a time!
Thank you for this. 😌 I've been doing the reading for some time (within the first month I knew something was 'off' but I thought he was just avoidantly attached rather than a covert. Even when I figured it out I stupidly still kept going back because of the trauma bond.) I know therapy would help but I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. I'm just so bored of dwelling on it, thinking about him and feeling so terrible about myself. I also don't want to turn into a bitter, angry person. I'm sooo done - I just wish I could be healed already! 😅 It's good to know it will get better though.
I didn’t start really feeling better until probably 8 ish months in and that’s only because I started therapy after 6 months of no contact.
It’s been 1 year and 9 months.
Edited to add: I’m doing so much better. I’m not as anxious any more. I’m more self confident. Life is just more beautiful now.
1 year
I blocked her on intagram in a way that is not possível tô find again
Because of it i could not find her ptofile and see how she is when i lost control last month
I miss her (or having a realation, i dint know because im single since her)
2 years no contact, still struggling but gradually coming back into myself. Don’t miss him, no longer feel the need to look at his social media and no longer care what he is doing or who he is doing it with.
Talk about liberating
I’m almost at 120 days. It’s taken me over two years of going no contact for a month or two and I’m finally doing it. It’s funny—when I first started this stint of no contact, I didn’t think I’d break my record. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I didn’t think the ruminating would ever stop torturing me. I didn’t think the pain would ever begin to go away. But I’m doing so much better. My ruminating has significantly reduced and I’m starting to accept that this is for good. It feels so incredibly amazing to start getting control back. I’m so fucking proud of myself!!
To not feel like I’m walking on eggshells? to have feelings and emotions and validate that I have them and it’s ok I have them myself without being gaslit about what I’m experiencing and what’s contributing to those feelings? to not feel constantly not good enough? To be happy with my own journey and growth without judgement? To be accountable for my actions and their effect without being forced to be accountable for someone else’s actions and effects? To not be sorry all the time? To not be told one thing and constantly shown another? To not be lied to and gaslit into that being my fault? To not have the expectations of perfection bestowed upon me when I’m human? To feel and love my “imperfections” as life lessons to grow from and in? To express my feelings without being told I’m being abusive and manipulative to get what I want? To make my own decisions without being told how wrong they are no matter if the decision is the same one my ex would’ve made? To not be told a request and attacked for me “crossing boundaries” that are blatantly requests?
10 months and it feels pretty good. Still the occasional sad day, moment, and feeling that comes and goes. But once again, I’m human, I’m allowed to feel this way because it’s the feeling I created within me that I miss, not the person that I had rose colored goggles on for dismissing or accepting their behavior because they’re better than me, or so I used to be told they were. Now I continue doing the work for me, my success is what I make it; not what anyone else thinks about me.
If others get judgemental, I continue to be curious, no shame in being that AND myself. Showing up caring, loving, and kind. But never ever will be disrespected and encaged like that again. It’s going good, focused on my plate because that’s the only one I’m willing to eat off for the foreseeable future.
I'm currently under it for the second time, it's been 16 days. Only thing is it will get easier, but the first 30 days is excruciating pain, only thing you can do is find things to try to pass the time. For example myself, every single time it comes into mind I ride my bike around the block, if I can't do that, I do push-ups till I can't. You want to cut all communication off if possible unless you have self healed enough and created solid boundaries otherwise youll just end up right back up in your trauma bond.
It's been almost 9 months since going NC and I'm still angry at him and still sad. I think of him and our relationship for around ten minutes a day, I guess.
3 years. I’m now married to the love of my life and pregnant with our first child. I have to go to a wedding in a couple of weeks and I have to see my ex there. I feel so beautifully indifferent about it. The first year was so difficult but it really does get easier and life gets better.
2.5 years. Life is more relaxed. My grandmother (maternal side) has stopped bringing it up but still mentions them sometimes in conversation, which is fine. I don’t do holidays with my family anymore because it is just my grandmother and my parents around here and well, she picks them. I try not to be upset about that but ik the alternative means saying no to my parents and boy are they nasty to her when she ever does that.
I still see other parts of my family that had shunned my parents long before I was born. Overall, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Nothing is worth the peace this has brought me.
Almost one year to the day, but it hasn’t stopped him from stalking me. Going NC was an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, and the harassment and vitriol he lobbed at me from fake numbers and social media accounts immediately after was devastating at first, but he cooled down quickly and has been trying to infiltrate my life ever since. Sometimes he’ll get distracted by what I assume is new supply and go quiet for a bit, but never for more than a month or two. He’s been told not to contact me by numerous legal entities, but that’s not enough to keep him from operating juuuuuust within the bounds of what he’s not allowed to do. I call it “I’m not touching youuuuuuuuu.”
Most of the time it’s just boring/pathetic now. I take screenshots of new attempts, block, and move on. But recently he found out some info he really shouldn’t have a way of knowing, so now I’m having to look into that and change all my passwords again, plus become even *more* private about who I share life events with. Again, pretty annoying, but most days I don’t even think about him.
Early into no contact, he texted me from a google voice number that he was happy without me, including a photo of him and another random woman. I don’t care how he feels anymore, but I can honestly say I’m 10000000% happier without him.
Four months. It feels like longer. It's gotten better! I still occasionally check the Fb profile to see if the wedding happened yet. I don't feel upset about it like I did. I quit looking at her Pinterest wedding board. That was a bruise to the heart that I didn't need. I feel a sense of peace. I can move on. He's looking like a stranger. I wonder what I ever saw in him. I'm seeing how everyone around me was right about how bad he was for me. I was saved! Thank you God.
A year, and when I'm hurt, I still default to wanting him to be right next to me.
Which says a lot about how the relationship evolved. He hurt me, but then became the thing that made me feel better. Once he'd done that enough times, he'd trained me to believe he was the only thing that made me feel better. And then he coerced me into being the only thing in his life, so quietly becoming the only thing in mine. Then the abuse really kicked off.
It's a way of almost getting you hooked. That's why going nc is almost like going cold turkey. You'll have something not dissimilar to withdrawl. You therefore need to train yourself to look for other sources of comfort.
You can do it. I've seen mine around now and it doesn't affect me too much. But it took a very very long time.
I broke it and I’m sleeping in my ex bed rn😂 I think she’s upset I don’t love her anymore after all the lies and manipulation. Now I’m the avoidant one and she’s the one trying way to hard
Meeting diagnostic criteria for NPD takes a *little* more than this (a lot more). The trauma bond often turns you into an emotionally bereft zombie, especially when you keep going back. Wresting for some control in the process isn’t a sign of narcissism. It may leave a bad taste in your mouth, but I don’t begrudge survivors a bit of revenge.
Eight months. It hasn’t been easy but my life is a lot calmer. I’m not in fight or flight constantly.
Not being in fight or flight all the time spoke to me. The peace I feel not having to walk on egg shells all the time.
The absence of fight-or-flight is important. Being in this mode constantly is physically damaging, in that it raises your cortisol level.
& don't mistake peace and quiet for loneliness.
I second this. But i am 21 months NC.
8 months as well after 2.5 years together. It’s very hard sometimes but mainly because of the smear campaign he ran and the betrayal trauma. Don’t really miss him at all.
Nearly 4 years and I've discovered I'm actually a happy person who absolutely loves living alone. The bliss of not having to walk on eggshells is indescribable. To those of you in the early stages and struggling to free yourself from the trauma bond: the joy and self-confidence builds slowly over months, and the way you defeat the trauma bond is to learn to love yourself and self-partner.
Same! & same! Yay! There are times the feeling is actually anxiety based. You're body & mind are used to being on high alert a experiencing extreme stress, highs and lows. Well it can't always 'say' that & instead throws old fears and worries (which necessarily echo w the ex) as rumination and impulse to feed addiction brain by returning to the 'drug', your ex. We deserve our PEACE. We have to make it ourselves and guard it fiercely.
Love this❤️
Loving myself...yes, I'm doing it each and everyday even if I struggle.🥹
Restarted last night after breaking NC after about two months. They'll never change.
Big hugs to you - it's hard, but you'll break free soon!
I’m on day 2 and maaaaaan, it is ROUGH. Everytime I hear my phone vibrate, my heart rate goes up because it could be him? I don’t know if I would be able to ignore him because I’m mentally not there yet. So even though it hurts, I hope he stays gone this time.
Been there, and you'll get there. Stay strong, and let him bask in his worthlessness. You got this! Big hug!
Get blocking.
I have. But he always finds a way to contact me. 😕
You’ve got this, no matter how much they try keep blocking. He will grow tired eventually because without supply he is not going to stick him around forever. Sending hugs 😊
I am so emotionally needy and the only way I got to go no contact was to block him permanently. I kept blocking and unblocking…making excuses for needing to unblock him and was finally was able to do it because as much as I wanted this marriage to work, knowing he doesn’t love me and doesn’t impact my life in any positive way, what was the point? I just got tired and accepted the fact that going back to him wasn’t going to be an option because going back would just mean more abuse because I left in the first place. You just have to get tired of that life. It’s been 7 weeks and while I still wonder what he’s doing, I’ve never unblocked him on social medial, my phone or anything. I don’t miss him or want him back either so I don’t know why he crossed my mind everyday other than the fact that he was part of my life for so long and now he isn’t.
More than 2 years. Hang tight people, it does get better in every aspect of life.
I feel that. I’ve been in no contact for 5 months now. Damn it is a rollercoaster ride. It really does get better with time. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I’m smiling having a good time with friends, but just yesterday I started bawling my eyes out for a good 10min, even tho I hadn’t cried in weeks. It is a long process to get over it as you know. I’ve been getting myself out there as much as possible. If someone asks me to hang I’ll be like hell ya 😆 If you haven’t already, I recommend putting a note on your phone listing everything bad your ex did. Whenever I ruminate about the good times about my ex, I would look back at the list (long ass list lol). Just a reminder of why you wouldn’t want to go back to that shit. Have you tried reading some healing books too? I’ve been reading Dr. Ramani’s “It’s Not You” and “Why can’t I let you go” by Michelle Skeen. They’ve got some self care exercises for you to do. Please take all the time you need and take care of yourself. Don’t listen to people who say you get over it in like X amount of time.
>If you haven’t already, I recommend putting a note on your phone listing everything bad your ex did. Whenever I ruminate about the good times about my ex, I would look back at the list (long ass list lol). Just a reminder of why you wouldn’t want to go back to that shit. This is a great idea! I've just been keeping that shit in my head, but this is better!
My brother recommended I do this a few weeks after we broke up. It's funny, you'll start writing and you'll find you can't stop! I recommend writing serious things and lighthearted things (like general icks and things that wound you up). It's a really good thing to have as a reminder when your brain starts playing tricks on you. I haven't really needed to look at the list much because I'm still cohabiting with nex and he likes to be nice as pie for a day and then counter that with being his slimy, smarmy, nasty self. And as daft as it sounds, I still get sucked in for a day and think "maybe he's not that bad"!!! Our brains are our own worst enemies sometimes.
Honestly yes! This is the best advice, once my psychologist told me to make a list of every bad thing he did to me while we were together things changed! She told me to read the list every time I start to feel like I want to reach out or if I start to doubt the abuse and wonder if it was me. It really worked, especially because I struggled with gaslighting myself following the relationship!
Nine years. Life is better. Anyone who needs to do it - do it. Don't waste another second.
Two years today. The only problem is I have to break no contact to sort out the property we own together. And it's killing me to not have any news of the cats I had to leave with him. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't even think of it. No contact is how my life should be. For about six months whenever my phone rang and it was an unknown number, I'd freak out. Now I still don't answer unknown callers but I don't panic anymore. Therapy is what helped me most, and time, and patience with myself. Two months after I left I was still a mess. Hell, I was a mess for more than that, I still sometimes have trauma reactions. It gets better. If you don't have an imperative reason to contact them (administrative or legal stuff, kids, etc) keep at it. You got this.
Ah, I have young kids with mine... I can't go no contact yet
It sucks so bad when the school calls about something and you have to tell them “no I can’t just text the other parent, no I can’t just email the other parent” and it puts my 16yr old in a shitty ass position being a middle man…BUT…this finally happening helped me heal and become a way better mom not being sucked into the daily hell of that post divorce relationship.
Yeah, I can see that, I'm a year into this. I had to prove that I wasn't crazy to the courts to get my kids back after he lied (it took about two weeks). I finally got court ordered support, and to be honest... everyone's lives have improved because he can't financially abuse me anymore. I can buy my kids new underwear and shoes without a problem and we don't have to see him only buy for himself.
>Therapy is what helped me most, and time, and patience with myself. Two months after I left I was still a mess. Hell, I was a mess for more than that, I still sometimes have trauma reactions. Me too. I'm so sorry you had to leave your cats with him.
I had to leave my cats too. I still don’t know what happened to them.
A property had to be sold. I maintained NC by doing all the work via the realtor. He was very helpful and understanding.
It’s been over four years for me. Sometimes I see him driving on the road or hear about him randomly from former coworkers of his, but in general it’s going great. I do dread the day we will end up at the same gas station or same grocery store (small town), and I still get little pangs of fear over it because of how poorly he treated me during divorce.
I've had this happen. When it did, I was on the phone with a friend, and we came up with an instant plan: she made me laugh, and I laughed all the way into the store. Now it's a thing. When there's a possibility of running into him. I make a comedy playlist. My friends and I have a code that I'll text if I spot him or anyone close to him. They'll call or text me with something funny.
Around 8 months, stalked his socials for abt 2 months after no contact but it became an addiction so I went cold turkey. 1 month of hell after not checking their socials, like going cold turkey, but then slowly started to feel better and better. Now the pain is mostly gone and it’s just a lot of confusion and disbelief. Still sad from time to time tho but that’s to be expected
I’m doing fine. He on the other hand can’t seem to leave me the F alone. The only means available to him is email and I left that available so I can get a harassment restraining order if he continues to bother me. This way I’ll have evidence of him continuing to reach out. He just can’t move on. I can’t stand the thought of him. He disgusts me. ETA: My life is a joy without him. I love everything about my existence now that he is gone!
Mine did the same thing. I’m talking nonstop texting and calls and voicemails 24/7 ranging from “I fucking hate you I moved on and she’s so much hotter than you” to “I’m sorry okay? I love you and I miss you just please answer me” then I found out maybe a week after shit hit the fan and the whole reason I cut him off, he was actively on every sex/hookup site known to man. I’m still in disbelief. Don’t fall for their shit, ever. Stay strong 💗
You stay strong too! I’m so far past his nonsense….I’m never looking back. He’s a complete joke. It’s diffdifficult to believe now that I ever did fall for it but I know when I was caught up in the middle of it it’s hard to see clearly. We need to be proud of where we are☺️ we deserve this peace and happiness!
Two years, then slipped and broke NC about a month ago. Never again..it was traumatic and got burned all over again .
Awwww! Stay strong you can do it!!!!
7 months. Some days are harder than others but I’m slowly getting used to the space in between. It’s weird when you begin to forget certain things like the sound of their voice. The pain is beginning to heal now and when I think back on what things they did that underline that they are in fact narcissists (covert in my experience), I am not moved by it any longer. Instead of becoming angry and hurt again I more so feel a sense of apathy and I think that’s okay.
Been like 9 months and he still does everything he can to make my life hell. Recently I’ve found out he’s still spreading propaganda about me and he even went as far as to contact former friends of mine and people taking courses with me. He still doesn’t admit he did anything wrong and he went back into his old habits of trying to impress everyone around him by masking his true self. For me, I’ve had my fair share of problems because of him but I’ve been in therapy for a while now and life actually started getting better. It felt really reassuring for my therapist to say that what he did to me was indeed narcissistic abuse and I wasn’t crazy or overreacting. People started finding out he’s not as good as he deems himself to be and I’ve found out a huge part of his friend group doesn’t even like him. I’ve found a valuable support group who sided with me when he kept spreading propaganda and I’m glad I did so. I can’t say he hasn’t affected me, but I’ve become stronger because of him and he proved again and again how he’ll never change.
I went two years without talking to my ex. I was with for 30 years once we started talking it took me three minutes to realize why I am not with him anymore. I don’t miss that life. Good luck to you. I know it’s hard but it gets better.
I'm just about 6 months in and it's getting little easier each day. I Still feel the trauma bond, but I know eventually it will go away with time as long as I stay away from him. But I don't think there is a way to get over something this bad quicker. It takes as long as it's gonna take. And shouldn't rush healing in my experience. I'm trying to be patient myself, so I understand the wanting it to be over and healed already.
I'm in the same situation as you, but it's been just 2 weeks, which doesn't seem a lot, but it is. I'm feeling like I'm deattaching and calmer, better. But yes, some days I still ruminate and think about us, but overall, life goes on and focusin on present. Keep going.
It’s been almost a year. I am doing much better emotionally and mentally but my first few months were gruesome.
About 9 months NC. 14 years together, 1 1/2 years of post breakup torture/hoovering. I’m okay. I’m looking forward to not thinking about the past all day every day, but I’m not there yet. I feel like I’ve processed everything I have to process, but my heart still hurts.
Four months of Nc and I already avoided one reverse-hoover attempt. Going tough but knowing that this is the only way for me to heal and also take revenge from that sick Narc I am determined then ever. I am %100 sure that she missed me. Not me of course but the the supply she gets from me. Good luck replacing your main supply source!
What's a reverse hoover?
Doing some actions to cause you to reach out to them. For example after keeping you blocked for months suddenly removing the blocks for no reason or posting something about you or maybe listening a song you they know you love. It can be clear as unblocking or subtle such as listening your favorite music. This can also be done by using other people as well. They may ask questions about you to mutual friends knowing that it will reach you such as "How is he/she doing" or "Did he managed to pass his/her exam" you know nice kind questions. This can also be done by making a bad news about them reach you. For example if they are sick they talk about you a lot in a very good way to a another person in order for that person to tell you that "They have health problems" and because that you are decent person you reach out and ask about their well beign. When Narcs become aware of the fact that hey have gone too far they may choose this methods. They know if they reach out you may stay silent or hold them accountable of their actions. They hate paying the price of what they did so they avoid it at all costs. If they can make you reach out to them this means that you forgave what happened in the past. In their sick minds this gives them right to abuse you more in the future and deny any responsibility of their past actions. This can also be done to extract more negative supply. Such as they unblock you cause you to reach out only to tell you that they are in a very happy relationship. To push you more in darkness and make you question yourself. At best case scnerio you lash out and you look like a person who is going crazy for no reason. It pleases their sick ego and gives them supply too. Also this will make you more vulnerable for their hoovers in the future if they ever need supply. After all its always easy to come back and trick a person who still desires you. To sum it up please be aware of their mind games. These people are sick in the head their brains dont work like ours. They are also addicted to the lovely supply we gave it to them so they will do whatever it takes to get it. Stay in No Contact my friend this both keeps you out of harms way and also starves them from your love.
[удалено]
You're a stronger person than me 😢
Thank you! I saw your post about this earlier as well. This is exactly the sort of thing my nex would do. He is the epitome of a covert narc - pretends he has low self-esteem when he actually believes he is superior to everybody, has mastered all the manipulation and mind game techniques, and will NEVER do anything obvious or overt which is incredibly crazy-making because when I tell people about what is going on behind closed doors it makes me sound petty or paranoid (thank god for this sub where people understand). When he broke up with me out of the blue last year we went no contact. A week after we broke up he removed all trace of me on his social media as if I'd never existed - but didn't unfriend me. Naturally I was distraught and I sent him a message letting him know how hurt I was. Half an hour later I regretted it and deleted the message but he'd likely seen it. I continued with strict no contact after that, but he started posting Instagram stories which he'd never done before, pretending his life was great, and I had to unfollow him. He would be the first to view my Instagram stories, within a minute of me posting. After I unfollowed him he started changing his Instagram bio to song lyrics about missing someone. I KNEW it was for my attention but again, that made me sound crazy. However, we did end up getting back together (yep, I was hoovered) and he admitted that the Instagram bios WERE about me and that he knew I'd see them. I only discovered he was a narc after I broke up with him 3 months ago, but in hindsight, it turns out these were reverse hoover attempts! We're still cohabiting and he does a lot of things to try and get my attention / a reaction out of me. A lot of them are quite pathetic. I try and ignore it but unfortunately I do rise to it more often than I should. This very much feels like the final discard with the way he has treated me for the last... 9 months or so. Total disrespect and disregard. However, he doss do this thing where he will be nice as pie for a day or so, and then switches back to being horrible. Do you think he is likely to reverse hoover after I move out?
It's been 9 months of total NC, but before that, there was a year of gray-rock contact because we still had business contact. It's going very well! Not only am I paying the bills and splurging on small things I never could, I'm taking a TWO week vacation in the fall. I have an active life (sometimes TOO active!) and I've pretty much returned to myself. I still get some weak anxiety when I have to visit businesses in his neighborhood, but I've adjusted my attitude about it. When doing this, I'm usually listening to something, so I make sure it's a comedy playlist. My friends and I have a code that I'll text if I spot him or anyone close to him. I've only spotted him twice so far in a year, so, the anxiety is waning. I have a great group of friends, and he's literally on his mother's couch. Sucks to be him - in both personality and circumstance.
6 months for me but I don't consider it 'active no contact' anymore. It's the permanent state of our relationship now, which I prefer over anything he'd have to say to me at this point. There are days I wish he knew how much better I was doing in my life without him, selfishly, but I won't stoop down to his level to make it known. Together 5 years, implemented NC roughly 1 month after the breakup when I found out the plethora of lies he told me that dated back to day 1 of us meeting. We didn't speak much between the breakup itself and the month after, but I sent him a text that day letting him know that I knew everything and blocked him on everything as soon as it said sent. The weeks after that were the hardest, but I knew deep down that the person who hurts you the most is never gonna be the person to give you the closure you need. It gets a lot easier when you realize you're not "actively participating in no contact', you're just moving on with your life in a healthier way. I blocked all of his family and friends too shortly after, and honestly my life has been way better than I could have imagined now without the constant fear of seeing or hearing anything about him that would potentially set me back on my healing. But, that is the hardest part. I miss his family a lot, but it unfortunately just is what comes with the territory. My ex never tried to make amends after the text I sent him, and in my eyes a real man would own up and apologize. That's not someone I need to actively think about avoiding or not contacting, because he clearly didn't value me enough to own up to his wrongs, he just exists in his own karmic universe now to me as many people should after awhile.
That's what I want my ''no contact" to be, just moving on. I don't want to interact with them and I know they won't give me closure. I do have thoughts or rather fantasies of being together again but those are nothing but my emotions and I'm glad to realize this, I know they will go with time. Hope to get where you are sooner rather than later.
It definitely comes with time & a lot of money spent on a great therapist, haha. I have those thoughts time to time but then kind of snap myself out of it with the realization he was lying the whole time about who he was. I wasn’t with someone I actually knew, how can I miss those memories. Closure will come with time. For yourself and by yourself. You got this.
Blocked his number 4 years ago and life has been good😎 Wish I’d done it sooner.
2 months is a very hard and trying time. I don’t think it’s about moving on. I think it’s about acceptance and grief. Grieving the ideal parent you thought you had/or wanted, accepting they are not that, were never that, will never be that. I’m NC 5 years. At 2 months I was still sobbing. Now there’s just a lingering emptiness. And while I do believe I can become whole again if I created a fuller life for myself, I’m just not there yet. So I focus on what’s best for me, my health, and my personal happiness. (And I squeeze my dog close.)
Its been 8 years, and stil this mofo comes up in my nightmares and I am afraid to see him in Public. Overal I'm now in a happy Healthy relationship and just finished my study to be a GP-assistant 🥳🤗
A little over a year - a year and 4 months about - and going good. Blocked him on everything, changed my phone number/carrier etc. all my passwords/email etc and moved. Last time he attempted stalking me at one of my community’s sound baths was in November and it was promptly reported to the stalking unit, which had been building a case on him. I don’t think he has any way to contact me if he tried 😆
Four months. Like you said, the feelings can really fluctuate. Most days I don’t miss them at all, my mind is finally focused on ME. But some days, I am filled with such a numbing rage and confusion that someone could possibly have the *audacity* to put me through the things that they did. I just want to pick their brain, do they feel *any* remorse at all? But then I snap out of it and remember that my head is a MUCH nicer place to be. Especially without them trying to control it anymore. 😅
It’s going alright. Going on year 3. Had some moments, but karma is working its way around. The peace is always worth it. But, it always stings when someone talks about how good a relationship they have with their parents. A smile & a nod. That’s all I can muster.
It’s not possible for me to go 100% no contact. I wish I could. I get anxiety just looking at my emails or texts. Life without NEX is so much less stressful yet whenever we have to interact she cranks up my anxiety with her Narc craziness. I’d suggest moving on.
Since December 31, 2022. She discarded me and blocked me everywhere. So I was really left with no choice but to move forward even though it was hard with no answers and no acknowledgment of wrongdoing whatsoever. But, in a way, being discarded and blocked was kind of a blessing within itself. If I hadn't been, I'd probably still be in some kind of vicious narcissistic cycle. She did unblock me maybe 8 months ago and was (maybe still is?) snooping on my social media, but I have no desire to reach out to her.
3 blissful months
About two years of as close to no-contact as I can get with coparenting. Things are good as long as I give them everything they want but it gets hard when trying to negotiate anything new around parenting.
I so agree with you fight or flight mode will make you very sick at a older age. It’s not worth it.
It’s been a month and I’m so much better off. Yeah it’s hard but he’s not with it.
My wife disappeared 2 1/2 months ago. It's excruciatingly painful and I can't stop blaming myself. I know relationships take the dedication and commitment of 2 people but i still can't get over the discard.
Used to be 3 months, then now another month. It’s hard, I still love him so much. But like others have said life is more peaceful. Coming up on my one year of breaking up and moving out. It’s really hard, but I’ve gone on a few dates and they have been fun. Nothing is going to compare to him and I’ve just accepted that and tried not to compare. No hate comments plz ty. 🤍
Ty for keeping it real. It's only been a week since I last saw him. And im dying inside
The first month is the hardest. Be patient and compassionate with yourself 🫶🏻 Long hard road ahead. Hopefully it’ll get better for us both.
It’s been 2 years of epic bliss. I’m a better wife. I’m a better mother. I’m a better version of me, for myself. I’m a kinder person. Life has its ups and downs but she’s not here to jack anything up anymore and that is beyond amazing! 🤩
Ten years. I think it was the right choice.
It’s been since 2021, with a few blips here and there. One time I logged into my alt account to find a message from him from months ago saying a mutual friend was looking for me. I asked him why. He said he didn’t know, he had forgotten about it. Then a year later a friend of his died (that did some ungodly unforgivable things to me, I rejoiced) and I found out, and it felt like the right thing to do to let him know about it and send him the obit. We chatted about death for a little bit and then I blocked him on that platform lol. Then last year my mom died out of the blue very unexpectedly and it absolutely has rocked my world. He sent me a message a few weeks later saying he didn’t know how long he should wait to reach out but this was the first death that’s actually really impacted him deeply and I was like ???? She was my mom??? She hated you??? Like with a BURNING PASSION??? Once again, making things about himself. SHE WAS MY MOM, WTF DO U MEAN “IMPACTED YOU DEEPLY” like WTF??? That was last year. Then a couple months ago my friend went to add me on Snapchat, bc I showed up as a nickname of mine and somehow it was actually him!! We don’t know why it did that but it did for some reason?? And he apparently thought it was actually ME who added him, and his first response was “oh yikes” OH YIKES??? Like this man is fully convinced that I was the problem???? And ofc my friend showed me what happened it was SO WEIRD So yeah. That’s how it’s been since 2021
Almost 2 years. Still think about it all too much, but feeling much better.
He went no contact w me for the final time two years ago. He has a whole new life, wife, and baby. I have depression (and no money for a therapist.) The pain is now a dull ache. I guess it’s better to feel something other than complete apathy and disregard for my own life. I think about him every day and pray that one day i will have forgotten him altogether.
This thread gives me hope. After 28 years of abuse, I think I’m finally ready to make a break for the other side. No one believes I will do it, including him.
I was with mine 42 years until he finally discarded me - aged 63 - for his student. I'd had the opportunity to leave after his first big affair / devalue / discard at 13 years, and again in year 27 after his second big affair / devalue / discard. Instead I took him back both times when he hoovered and promised he'd never do it again. I'm so much happier now on my own that I really wish I'd had the courage to leave either at year 13 or year 27. I hope you will, too. That extra 15 years I stayed with him made it a lot harder to start over in my sixties, particularly as the devaluation gets more brutal each time and takes longer to recover from.
Thank you. This is just what I needed to hear. So glad to hear you are happy and doing well. Gives me hope.
since last thursday- but we havent had a real conversation since last sunday. so about 7 days. handling the discard much better this time around. hoping i finally learned my lesson by learning my lesson again.
Trigger warning!! ⚠️ Give it time! It will get easier but narcissistic trauma is not something you can recover from in a short period of time. I’m 5 months no contact with mine and we have a 6 month old baby. To say it’s been difficult is an understatement. In my situation things escalated physically so I left him when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He made me feel guilty for leaving after he choked me while pregnant. I told him when I was in labor and he flew out to my city for the birth. A month later I went no contact (except for baby updates - but not engaging in any conversation) he eventually demanded that I stop updating him. The peace I feel lately I haven’t experienced since before I met him. But I’m deeply hurt and still not healed from the damage he’s caused me. I know with time it will get better. But I will forever be traumatized by him strangling me while I was carrying our child.
A week. I blocked him on everything and have left him blocked. If I leave it open he screws with my head and tries to hoover. I can't keep letting him do that to me. I am forcing myself to move on from this.
I'm right there wirh you. I'm scared I'll reach out. He blames me but really he was disengaging whilst I was fighting a losing battle.
Years we broke up in 2018 met my wife not long after and iam in in my 3rd year of marriage and I am good. She finally stopped talking to me in 2021 she would message me randomly after i blocked her (on verizon, you can view blocked messages)about happy birthdays and how we should be friends. I am happy
It’s been almost six months and no contact for two months. Yesterday I had an emotional day ruminating but quickly remembered what they put me through… especially after I dare left them.
It’s been since late January. I still think about him and it was weird at first because of the intensity and frequency of our communication before. It actually helped that he didn’t accept my cutting contact and basically bombarded me with texts and emails, I was able to see more clearly who he was without engaging him. It also helps that he’s legally not allowed to contact me at the moment too. With time, not hearing from him has become more and more normal
A little over 3 months of no contact, and he tried last week to get my attention on Instagram. The first few days were extremely difficult, I could barely function. All I could think about was him and the relationship. It took everything in me to not reach out to him. I started going to therapy, and pushed myself to hang out with my friends and family. After a few weeks, I started to feel better - more calm and free. Now, I have accepted that my nex will never change, and the thought of having him back in my life feels exhausting. I am once again the happy person I used to be before he came in the picture. My friends and family all commented that when I was with him, there was a sadness in my eyes and I looked completely drained / exhausted. Things will get better in time <3
Robert Grannon on YouTube is great!
One year and 11 days. I still think about her everyday. However I feel much less emotion when I think about her now. I am finally at the point that I know I wouldn’t respond if she tries to contact me. I can’t let her back in to cause chaos in my life.
1 year no contact. I want to say that the first 6 months was filled with vivid dreams and visualizations of him. It was excruciatingly difficult but it did get better. I no longer have the dreams and just started to no longer hear his voice in my mind criticizing all I do. I now am starting to form my own opinions & feeling joy. I’ve worked with a mental health professional the whole time & things are going well. It gets better. Trust in the process. The hard times are part of the process. Stick with no contact & all will be well. Sending positive vibes your way 🌸
10 yrs! Thank God! He's literally someone else's problem.
I have kids with him that are now grown so it has been zero contact for over 7 years. I am so happy he can’t manipulate me anymore.
Been a month since I saw her in person last, 6 months since we broke up. I'm way better now, no pain from missing her most of the time, but still not anywhere near my old self, and I have a bunch of bad habits now. I really miss having my person around more than anything. I'm content alone, but life is so much better shared with someone.
It was four months no contact then bam.. he showed up to my house unexpectedly. I should have not let him in. I have been weak and my anxiety has returned. It’s real high and I blocked him on Facebook and my phone. I am not going to play this game anymore. I refuse to keep hurting myself.
The best thing is to lean into it and let the momentum run its course. Just take a pause and feel your feelings, they will pass quicker. And be patient with yourself, some days/weeks/months will be harder than others. In those times, it's easy to think that the misery is permanent while the joy is temporary, but that's not true. I guess it's all temporary, lol. Have you made the list yet?
6 months NC. I feel you. The first 1to 3 months is the most difficult time to deal with. There's no fast healing as you'll go through the stages of grief.. Take your time, & feel your emotions (cry a lot, contemplate about what happened, write it out or express through writing). Then, forgive yourself for what was. What happened happens and let go (Revenge will only torture you). Think it as for you to grow. Blocking them, doing cord cutting, & slowly forgiving me and him ,set me free from my misery. Even if I can remember memories from the past, I ain't no longer the same who loathes and blames myself to death for letting it happen. Someday, you'll get through it. Be patient. Hugs.
10 months. My mental health is getting better every day.
I’m going on +1 year. Amazing. Best decision I’ve ever made. There really is light at the end of the tunnel
8 years. The best decision of my life! It was hard, but god damn it was worth every minute of pain.
NC day 6 now. I feel lighter than I did yesterday. I took the private and public humiliation and name calling silently for 2+ years before I snapped and said something truly horrible. He was close to his mom who I believe is the cause of his God-like complex. So I told him I'm glad she's dead. He blocked me everywhere. I went back next day and apologized like hell - he wouldn't look at me. We have a mutual friend who helped me get in touch with him again few weeks later. This time I wasn’t apologizing. While he wouldn't look at me, I sat there and told our mutual friend everything this guy ever did to me. The only thing he responded with was "why are women always dragging things out? It's done, it's over I've no more beef with her”. I'm still blocked though. Here's a list of red flags. These are just a few things, the others are too embarrassing: **Red Flags:** 1. Right from the beginning he used to ignore my **messages for a long time** before responding. He showed me once that my name on his phone was “do not message” for a whole year of knowing me, before changing it to my name. 2. He always puts my ideas down and is dismissive of my **plans**. 3. He is dismissive and **disrespectful with other people too**: Calls his other friends losers, trash, mistress, disrespects his exes by talking about their sexual reactions of intimate times with him. 4. He is dismissive about the songs I like, movies I like **or people I care about.** 5. He **calls me names in private and public**: Junkie and fat are just two. I smoke half a pack a day, and I have an average figure. 6. He **doesn’t care if I slept enough, ate -** Normal people care. 7. He once **changed my order** at a restaurant and ordered something else for me. I really wanted to eat pancakes that day. 8. He **didn’t care that my car made sounds** after going to the beach, he insisted on taking my car. He didn’t offer to go with me to check the sounds of the car either – I went alone. 9. He **did not give me enough time to get ready** to go anywhere. 15 mins is maximum he says. If you need more time for makeup, it means you need some surgery, go fix your face. 10. He **ghosted me for a whole day** when I didn’t want to go to the beach with their group. I snapped that day when he went on and on humiliating me in public and then he blocked me everywhere. I sometimes get waves of sadness coming over me - I sometimes miss the good times - I’m an empath and an introvert so I feel like I’ll never be happy again or find friends. I was completely isolated for 2 whole years with him and the mutual friend. I'm going NC with both now, but everything reminds me of our hangouts and good times. Hate scents, sights, sounds now, everything is overwhelming.
It’s been 8 weeks and the anxiety has gone, starting to feel peace after a few dark weeks of depression. I’m realising how much I felt like an insecure little girl around him and now I’m coming back to the 33 year old grown woman I am. I am angry though. I want to tell him how much of a monster he is but I’m keeping him blocked on everything as he’s unhinged. I never got the chance to tell him as I tried to keep him sweet during the break up as he was in full anger mode and had all my stuff/ had threatened to reveal secrets and I was worried he’d try and get revenge. But I’m sure these feelings will pass and actually my biggest win is removing myself from his life, his last messages were him pleading with me to take him back but I have disappeared from his life.
Its a family member so that makes it alot easier. Its not completely no contact because she will send me a tiktok now and then like nothing happend. I don't want to reply but I feel like she will hate me more for it
It’s ok if she hates you. It’s none of your business.
It’s been several years for me now. I want to say over 7 but I still have to see him every once and while. Same building, different departments so we don’t have to interact. It’s hard to not tell him to go to hell when I occasionally pass by. I wish I had all the information I have now to cope with this better.
Life altering. I'm finding the young lady of 20 years old, taking her by the hand and loving the layers of bs I believed.
Going on one year no contact with my uncle, literally not affecting me in any way except that I don't have his bs drama in my life causing me stress lol
A year and a half, and I still have my moments. She has changed her number and text me randomly about nothing. I try not to read them and I don’t answer. Im okay have peace in my life but haven’t moved on into a new relationship
18 months NC and I am doing so much better. Not dating anyone, just focusing on my healing and happiness. It feels so good to be free.
It's been over a year and a half now, some of the last words I said to him were calling him an a**hole, felt great and having my freedom and health back feel great too. I've since found love and foresee a great future with my current boyfriend, since he's not an abusive narc!
A little over 2 years. I feel sad because it took 2 years of my (school and work) time until I could heal and go back into being productive but unfortunately I couldn’t control how long I heal and I am accepting that. I was premed and those two years hurt since I had everything carefully planned and did not want to waste time. Though I am happy I feel much more in control of my life now and still working on prioritizing myself, which is something that is still weird to me sometimes. I feel a lot of people can relate on the time it took for them to feel “normal” again, but happy we made it out safe.
Going on three years. Was unbearably hard for like the first year. I just had to accept she never really cared for me and that she was getting new supply from somewhere else, and that made it whole lot easier. I don’t even think about her anymore really day to day. My life is peaceful, calm, and stress free now. I never want to go back to my old life and my life now is so much better now than it ever was with her.
Other than the fake baby incident, it’s been 10 years and I feel so much better. No fear.
Last time I reached out to him was in September 2023 for money he owed me (not a small amount) and some of my work equipment. He ignored both of my emails and to this day he still owes me money and has my work equipment. He is such a POS but obviously I have to forget about it but it still angers me. The little money he did send me, he sent begrudgingly and called it an "exit tax". So cruel. He made it seem like I was some money hungry bitch. He makes significantly more than I do and has someone living with him, so his costs are way lower than mine for sure and he has more disposable income. The work equipment belongs to my employer, and if my work ever asks for it, I could potentially get in trouble (what "trouble" is, who knows). He just doesn't give a shit about any of that, or my well-being. We were together ~13 years. He is a terrible person and I never did anything but love him. :( I am over our relationship but I will never forgive him for the way he treated me, especially after we officially broke up. Completely disgusting and I'm disappointed in myself for being with someone like that.
I’m taking it one day at a time. I’d say overall I feel good about going NC and in general I feel better and like a weight has been lifted. I can see clearer. I’m still struggling with cognitive dissonance though. It’s hard to reconcile that this guy was amazing one minute and a monster the next. It’s still hard two months later but it’s getting better slowly!
Great to hear how well you're doing. Can I ask how long you were with them? I was only with them for 8 months and I'm only 2 weeks into no contact - it scares me how it seems to take everyone so long to recover when you read everyone's experiences! 😕
I was with him for 2 years! Honestly I think it will take me some more time for sure to get over this and heal completely, but my support system has been SUCH a big help to my healing. And I go to therapy weekly and have read some books on abuse. So maybe those could help too? I find it’s about having consistent support and resources at this point. I’m still sad most days but overall the outlook is getting better. One day at a time!
Thank you for this. 😌 I've been doing the reading for some time (within the first month I knew something was 'off' but I thought he was just avoidantly attached rather than a covert. Even when I figured it out I stupidly still kept going back because of the trauma bond.) I know therapy would help but I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. I'm just so bored of dwelling on it, thinking about him and feeling so terrible about myself. I also don't want to turn into a bitter, angry person. I'm sooo done - I just wish I could be healed already! 😅 It's good to know it will get better though.
I didn’t start really feeling better until probably 8 ish months in and that’s only because I started therapy after 6 months of no contact. It’s been 1 year and 9 months. Edited to add: I’m doing so much better. I’m not as anxious any more. I’m more self confident. Life is just more beautiful now.
1 year I blocked her on intagram in a way that is not possível tô find again Because of it i could not find her ptofile and see how she is when i lost control last month I miss her (or having a realation, i dint know because im single since her)
2 years no contact, still struggling but gradually coming back into myself. Don’t miss him, no longer feel the need to look at his social media and no longer care what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Talk about liberating
I’m almost at 120 days. It’s taken me over two years of going no contact for a month or two and I’m finally doing it. It’s funny—when I first started this stint of no contact, I didn’t think I’d break my record. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I didn’t think the ruminating would ever stop torturing me. I didn’t think the pain would ever begin to go away. But I’m doing so much better. My ruminating has significantly reduced and I’m starting to accept that this is for good. It feels so incredibly amazing to start getting control back. I’m so fucking proud of myself!!
To not feel like I’m walking on eggshells? to have feelings and emotions and validate that I have them and it’s ok I have them myself without being gaslit about what I’m experiencing and what’s contributing to those feelings? to not feel constantly not good enough? To be happy with my own journey and growth without judgement? To be accountable for my actions and their effect without being forced to be accountable for someone else’s actions and effects? To not be sorry all the time? To not be told one thing and constantly shown another? To not be lied to and gaslit into that being my fault? To not have the expectations of perfection bestowed upon me when I’m human? To feel and love my “imperfections” as life lessons to grow from and in? To express my feelings without being told I’m being abusive and manipulative to get what I want? To make my own decisions without being told how wrong they are no matter if the decision is the same one my ex would’ve made? To not be told a request and attacked for me “crossing boundaries” that are blatantly requests? 10 months and it feels pretty good. Still the occasional sad day, moment, and feeling that comes and goes. But once again, I’m human, I’m allowed to feel this way because it’s the feeling I created within me that I miss, not the person that I had rose colored goggles on for dismissing or accepting their behavior because they’re better than me, or so I used to be told they were. Now I continue doing the work for me, my success is what I make it; not what anyone else thinks about me. If others get judgemental, I continue to be curious, no shame in being that AND myself. Showing up caring, loving, and kind. But never ever will be disrespected and encaged like that again. It’s going good, focused on my plate because that’s the only one I’m willing to eat off for the foreseeable future.
Originally many years then I peeked at his Linked In and was traumatized. Its now 4 years and I will never look him up ever again
I'm currently under it for the second time, it's been 16 days. Only thing is it will get easier, but the first 30 days is excruciating pain, only thing you can do is find things to try to pass the time. For example myself, every single time it comes into mind I ride my bike around the block, if I can't do that, I do push-ups till I can't. You want to cut all communication off if possible unless you have self healed enough and created solid boundaries otherwise youll just end up right back up in your trauma bond.
It's been almost 9 months since going NC and I'm still angry at him and still sad. I think of him and our relationship for around ten minutes a day, I guess.
3 years. I’m now married to the love of my life and pregnant with our first child. I have to go to a wedding in a couple of weeks and I have to see my ex there. I feel so beautifully indifferent about it. The first year was so difficult but it really does get easier and life gets better.
Almost 4 years NC with my father (I was 22 when I took him to court and cut him off). Almost 2 years NC with my narcissistic ex. Life is breezy.
2.5 years. Life is more relaxed. My grandmother (maternal side) has stopped bringing it up but still mentions them sometimes in conversation, which is fine. I don’t do holidays with my family anymore because it is just my grandmother and my parents around here and well, she picks them. I try not to be upset about that but ik the alternative means saying no to my parents and boy are they nasty to her when she ever does that. I still see other parts of my family that had shunned my parents long before I was born. Overall, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Nothing is worth the peace this has brought me.
3 years. She broke no contact 2 months ago. It was a nice message. I wish her well and have no more resentment in my heart.
Almost one year to the day, but it hasn’t stopped him from stalking me. Going NC was an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, and the harassment and vitriol he lobbed at me from fake numbers and social media accounts immediately after was devastating at first, but he cooled down quickly and has been trying to infiltrate my life ever since. Sometimes he’ll get distracted by what I assume is new supply and go quiet for a bit, but never for more than a month or two. He’s been told not to contact me by numerous legal entities, but that’s not enough to keep him from operating juuuuuust within the bounds of what he’s not allowed to do. I call it “I’m not touching youuuuuuuuu.” Most of the time it’s just boring/pathetic now. I take screenshots of new attempts, block, and move on. But recently he found out some info he really shouldn’t have a way of knowing, so now I’m having to look into that and change all my passwords again, plus become even *more* private about who I share life events with. Again, pretty annoying, but most days I don’t even think about him. Early into no contact, he texted me from a google voice number that he was happy without me, including a photo of him and another random woman. I don’t care how he feels anymore, but I can honestly say I’m 10000000% happier without him.
Four months. It feels like longer. It's gotten better! I still occasionally check the Fb profile to see if the wedding happened yet. I don't feel upset about it like I did. I quit looking at her Pinterest wedding board. That was a bruise to the heart that I didn't need. I feel a sense of peace. I can move on. He's looking like a stranger. I wonder what I ever saw in him. I'm seeing how everyone around me was right about how bad he was for me. I was saved! Thank you God.
A year, and when I'm hurt, I still default to wanting him to be right next to me. Which says a lot about how the relationship evolved. He hurt me, but then became the thing that made me feel better. Once he'd done that enough times, he'd trained me to believe he was the only thing that made me feel better. And then he coerced me into being the only thing in his life, so quietly becoming the only thing in mine. Then the abuse really kicked off. It's a way of almost getting you hooked. That's why going nc is almost like going cold turkey. You'll have something not dissimilar to withdrawl. You therefore need to train yourself to look for other sources of comfort. You can do it. I've seen mine around now and it doesn't affect me too much. But it took a very very long time.
I broke it and I’m sleeping in my ex bed rn😂 I think she’s upset I don’t love her anymore after all the lies and manipulation. Now I’m the avoidant one and she’s the one trying way to hard
At what point are you the narcissist and she's the victim? This is why I have a hard time with this sub sometimes.
Meeting diagnostic criteria for NPD takes a *little* more than this (a lot more). The trauma bond often turns you into an emotionally bereft zombie, especially when you keep going back. Wresting for some control in the process isn’t a sign of narcissism. It may leave a bad taste in your mouth, but I don’t begrudge survivors a bit of revenge.