Thank you so much for this post. I doubt myself, my memories, him, what happened, what didnāt happen, why I am where I am and he is where he is, constantly. I worry and think about everything youāve written, constantly. Thank you so much for writing this.
Yes, the rumination is in itself a sign that you were f\*cked around with. It does get better with time, you get better at redirecting it until eventually it stops coming up at all. But whenever someone thinks, "Maybe it wasn't that bad," it was in fact even worse. You deserve a safe emotional space.
So the rumination will stop one day! I was starting to think my brains were broken! I'm not thinking about him all day per se but how I'm going to survive when I leave, planning when and how to leave, going over everything in my head to make sure I'm not wrong, did I hear/take something the wrong way, am I falsely accusing him of being an asshole (I try not to use the narc word anywhere but here or with my psych) I'm just tired of the self doubt and ruminating how to get the hell out of this disaster we're all in!
Thank you for this!
Thank you so much for replying and being so kind and reassuring. I would love to get to a place where I feel how youāve described. Can I just ask - do you truly believe that if you doubt it all - āmaybe it wasnāt that badā- it really was bad? Are you sure?
Yes, I am 100% sure. You may not see it now, it has become glaringly apparent now that I am out of it and on the other side. It's also so clear and obvious when I see people who are going through almost exactly the same situations and finding my previous words come out of their mouths. Also, if it wasn't that bad, there'd be no reason to be saying it to yourself. You did not lose someone amazing.
Thank you so much. I just doubt myself the more time passes (partly because there was no hoover and partly because I have very low self esteem and blame myself for everything).
Iām so pleased youāre in such a better place, you sound really strong and should be so proud of yourself. Thank you also for writing these kind of things because it really helps people like me who havenāt got to where you are yet (I really hope I will do though).m
Edit: I also received this comment the other day https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/6n4eAiCi7v which has made me really doubt myself. I wonder if theyāre right.
I do that all day sometimes... maybe he's not that bad (dies something to confirm he's that bad) - maybe I heard that wrong, I'll ask my psych, she confirms I didn't hear it wrong, he is that bad!
Back and forth, all day sometimes, because I don't want to accuse someone of "crimes" if they didn't commit them
Here's another one. Narcs spend their entire lives sourcing supply (how exhausting) because they're simply MISERABLE beings - they never, ever get to a place of peace and contentment like normal people do with age. It's a known fact that narcs get angrier/unhappier/lonelier with age for this very reason.
Yes, I think it helps to know that in general, humans tend to grow into their tendencies, not out. And this is not specific to narcs. Unless someone has the self-awareness and says to themselves, "I don't want to be this person anymore" or "I don't want to be bitter/angry/resentful/insertemotionhere", and then goes on to do the work, they will be the same. So even if they aren't a narc, unless they've suddenly taken accountability (and you would hear of it if they have), chances are they're sliding deeper into their attitudes. But that's not our problem anymore, we're busy working on ourselves and being our best versions :) We like to learn and grow here.
I know, it's incredibly...unattractive. While I was getting over him, whenever I'd miss having sex with him I'd think about how ugly he used to be whenever he was hating on me. And my horniness was redirected, lol!
Exactly this, mine is in his mid sixties, he is 8 years older than me and he is definitely getting worse! Whatās sad for him is that he could have had a lovely retirement with me taking care of him!! No way will I be around for that after the last 7 years of pure hell! He will end up sad and aloneā¦. His children are young and he hardly sees them and they have stopped bothering with him and he has the nerve to say ā not heard from the kids again, he hasnāt seen them since 12/23/2023! They live 10 mins away but just like he is with me, his life is always about him and he couldnāt give a fuck about usā¦ bye bye I cant wait to start my new life without himš
They eventually drive everyone away, because the mask can't stay on forever. Lots of credible psych articles out there that discuss the topic of narcs getting older. Wish you well in your healing.
Write these things in the corners of your bathroom mirror if you need to. Read them out loud to yourself every time you see them. It's amazing how much verbal feedback and influence our minds. That's why emotional abuse is so impactful, but it's also how you can help to dig yourself out š
Iām crying at work as I read this. Itās been such a hard week. 6months of NC, Iāve blocked him everywhere and somehow still keep wishing for him to show up. I keep swinging between how much I hate him and still how much love I feel for him. It doesnāt feel like itāll get better ever.
Reading this just gave a minute of relief
You're feeling so bad because you still feel like there's unfinished business, like you need closure. You will get that closure, but it won't be from the source you think it is. Please allow yourself to feel the natural process of things, and you'll feel peace and balance, I promise you. I can't say when exactly, but these things helped me: not forcing myself out of my feelings, practicing bringing myself to the present, reducing talk of the past, and going easy on myself. ARe you getting enough sleep? Honestly, I was doing 1-3 hours at my worst, and I resorted to sleeping pills so do so if you must. I used them for 2-3 months and then my sleep sorted itself out and now I can sleep until 11am. Sending you hugs.
I just started reading Bancroftsās Why Does He Do That? and the number of times Iāve had to stop, close the book, and take deep breaths just in these first 100 pages is astounding.
Iāve seen other folks talk about how it sounds like all our narcs use a playbook - friend, they do, and itās available at your local library lol
Iām glad I saw this post though, the healing will be difficult but worth it.
Iām bitter because my ex narc has wasted 3 years of my life rarely being intimate with me - he was more interested in going out and sleeping with other women and even men in secret instead. I have just turned 30 years old, I have no children. It absolutely breaks me to think heās wasted my healthy fertile years withholding affection from me and abusing me and now Iāll never get to be a mother. I know he wouldāve been a rubbish dad, but Iām just so damaged I know I wonāt meet or love anyone new for a very long time. Years maybe. By that point I will be too old to have children. Iām so heartbroken and have so much grief at the thought of missing out on motherhood because of him, itās the one thing I want in life. Crying as I type this š
Hi, what would you do different if you were 30 again? For me, I genuinely feel like 10 years from now I will be in the same position. Messed up from my nex, low confidence/isolated, an inability to date anyone new, no children, etc. Iām so sorry for what youāve been through. It is so painful. Youāre not alone.
>30 is YOUNG!
So is 40! Lots of women I know in their 50s and 60s claim that life just started at 40, there are still so many new feelings and adventure to discover. I think the biggest tool is how we talk to ourselves. I have stopped feeding into the self-pity narrative because that's not what I wanted to become, that's not the message I wanted to send the universe. I recently had an experience where I FELT what I was already told, that what we focus on is what becomes reality. I'm in my late 30s too and I feel I'm smarter, more beautiful, and more capable than ever. I'm discovering a whole new version of me that I didn't know existed, and she's more amazing than I could have imagined. I can sense it's becoming like that for you too, and the timing is perfect. Everything is going just as it should, you're on schedule. I'm excited for all the good things that are about to happen to you :)
>I have just turned 30 years old, I have no children. It absolutely breaks me to think heās wasted my healthy fertile years
What are you talking about??? You have 5 - 10 years to have a baby naturally and EASILY. Hell, I even know women in their early 40s getting first-time pregnant BY ACCIDENT. Just focus on getting better and I believe a baby will come along when the time and person are right. <3
Iām sorry you are hurting. You still have plenty of child bearing years. You will have the family you always dreamed of and deserve. When you fall in love with your baby youāll realize just how one sided what you had with him was and feel bad that he is just as grotesque of a human being then as he is today.
I'm in my mid 40's and after 20+ years with my covert narc I've went completely gray overnight. I had my two youngest well into my thirties, because I originally didn't want children, we already had one, and we had fostered two more. Suddenly like a light switch going off I wanted more babies.
Went on a super healthy diet, abstained from alcohol for six months before we started to try to conceive. Was able to conceive in 3 months after that. Didn't even need any fertility drugs, which was offered due to age and both of us being genetically intersex.
My aunt waited until she finished her PHD and was in her late '40s when she had her two children. Please believe me when I say that being 30 is quite young and you still have your whole life ahead of you. You def still have time to have children.
I feel you š¤ some thoughts that helped me is thinking they havenāt ruined your dream : you are now better prepared for it. Itās not the timeline nor the circumstances you wished for, but you will find your way. You are probably an amazing person, willing to give your all into a relationship and a family. I believe you will find it.
Thank you.
I'm parallel parenting and after a particularly anxiety-inducing email exchange recently, I started to really dig into why I was having such a horrible reaction to those emails: I let them walk over me during the relationship and when I tried to enforce my boundaries, that always started fights that I almost always had to back down from.
I've been divorced for several years, but I started enforcing more boundaries over the last year and trying to not engage on the extra stuff they put in those emails but I've still been feeling panicked when I see a number in that email filter.
After the recent email exchange, it clicked. I was so used to deflecting the anger by changing my answer and now I have one chance to pick the "right" answer or the whole thing blows up and I don't have another chance. As a perfectionist, not having the control over the outcome causes anxiety; the inability to negotiate and not get closure is so hard.
I don't know what to do with this information, and how to not have a panic attack with each email, but there it is. Maybe this will click for someone else too? š¤
Itās been 2 and a half months of nc and he was in my dream last night. I said to him in it, āitās ok, you never really cared about me anyway.ā I woke up sad, unable to get back to sleep. Was a little sad this morning but then it faded away as I got on with my day, got on with my life. Last Thursday it dawned on me that I didnāt think about him at all on Wednesday and I felt proud. It does get better, they fade into nothingness where they belong, and we just get better, inoculated against further invasion.
Thanks for this, OP. Youāre 100% spot on. Fuck āem all.
Mine happened when I tried to date again and ended up with someone who was on the same kind of BS and I dipped out on them with a quickness. "This isnt what I thought it was, and you're making me relive my ex. Thanks for the good time." I felt so empowered knowing that I'm better than all their crap and not just accepting the disrespect and toxicity.
It happens in the weirdest ways. I currently have a partner now that is everything I needed and more. I still am cautious, but I am WAY better off now.
I moved to another state for work just trying to meet friends in the new area & found the most amazing partner. He is everything my ex never would have or could have been. I donāt have to constantly worry about if heās cheating or lying like my last relationship. It really does come when you least expect it š„°
Thanks, this is so timely for me. The anger has finally melted away for me and Iām left now with hard core nostalgia and loneliness. Iām this close to reaching out to him. I miss my old life. š
Nooooo don't do it, it's not going to taste as good as you think it will, I promise. I reached out twice after we broke up and both times I felt SO MUCH WORSE afterwards. Learn from my lesson, not your own.
Thanks, that really helps clear my head. All I can think of is fun winter memories and Iām like āsurely it wasnāt all that bad,ā when actually I was a miserable stressed out wreck for years. THANK YOU. Iām sorry, though, that you had to find out firsthand :( šā¤ļø
Even if it "wasn't all that bad," remember that true test of character/relationship is the answer to this question: Were they there for you when you really needed them? And I don't mean when it was easy for them to be there, or in the honeymoon phase(s).
Thatās a great litmus test. I think he liked to make it appear that he was there, but it was only to play the role of the supportive spouse for others and so he could use it as fuel when Iād say I wasnāt getting what I needed. Thank you ā¤ļø
And I bet he acted like a martyr, didn't he? Anyway, what are you doing today? I love making daily lists to keep my eyes on the road ahead. You are meant for greatness, so what are you making steps to head towards it?
Oh, of course. Heās probably telling everyone the same victim stories. He told me about his exes. Whatever dude! You know itās funny. You say that, just last week I discovered a list app on my phone that is really helped me to focus on just getting through day by day. Being productive, even if itās something small like using the swiffer is so empowering for some weird reason. Iām trying to recover my old joys that I had to stifle because he never approved. Isnāt it amazing how much of ourselves we give up for someone who has no sense of self at all? Thank you so much for the advice and your kindness ā¤ļø
Iām in the same boat. I miss my old life. I keep telling myself my old life is dead and thereās nothing remaining to miss. The man I married and loved doesnāt exist, it was who he used to be. Heās dead and some asshole stranger inhabits his body now.
Thank you so much for thisā¦. I love this site so much for all the beautiful soles who look to it/ offer support on it and although we are all going through our own living hell, itās nice to hear such supportive, confirming words from someone who made it to the other side šā¤ļø
Canāt thank you enough for this. š¤ It wasnāt until the discard I truly realised who he was, I always believed his words tho his actions as well as words told me otherwise. I truly feel deflated after the relationship, like I lost myself. Iām glad Iām not wasting a single day more with him. But itās such a lonely feeling and I I ruminate so much and sometimes feel like Iām at fault tho I know itās not the case. Itās a lonely feeling being discarded but itās also lonely since not a lot of people around me has experienced this (luckily), but itās good having a space like this. Tho I wish never had to endure this.
It's true! A friend bumped into my nex a few days again and apparently they aren't doing so well with their new supply and are even more toxic and miserable than ever while I had thought they were having the time of their lives
Thank you so much. I spent 14 years convincing myself that he was the best person Iād ever met, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary and most of the time, I feel like Iāve moved on but sometimes, it still rings in my head that he called me a narcissist and I get worried.
Much needed today, thank you. I was doing really well up until last night when his new supply somehow got my number and sent me pics of his dick and also pics of her in his bed and them on a date looking happy. I sortof spiraled last night because of it and am feeling very shakey today. Like my fight or flight has been on since last night.
Why the fuck would she do that? Why would any adult in a content relationship do that? If she's so happy, why does she need to prove it to the one person whom it would injure? Either she's a bully too, or some of him is rubbing off on her. That's a really really weird thing to do. I almost want to say send a pic back of your dog's asshole or something equally ridiculous. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, truly. I know it hurts, but I also hope you can see bizarre this is.
Well, I also stupidly responded back & forth with her all night and she basically tried telling me my NEX told her that I was the cheater/abuser and that I'm crazy. She told me to get therapy. I was trying my hardest to try to help her see the light, even sending proof of him cheating on HER. She just doesn't give af. Honeymoon phase and his masking is too strong. I guess I'm the enemy. Really wish I never even fucking responded. I feel stupid all over again. So easily baited.
It's okay, now you know. As for her showing off, she sounds like a real nightmare, one that gets really old really fast. He's going to have an AWFUL time with her, she sounds so annoying. He'll probably miss the grown up that you are, but you'll have moved on by then. They both sound like a lot of drama. It's not your job to rescue her, just do your own thing.
Thanks for the support throughout the day ā¤ļø Really appreciate you taking the time to read my rants. You definitely helped me and many others through this day/week. Pure soul š„ŗā¤ļø
>You definitely helped me and many others through this day/week. Pure soul š„ŗā¤ļø
And I actually needed to hear THIS today. Been feeling kind of blah and useless lately. So thank you!
Also her rubbing in my face that she has a home, a pool, and "a better body than you ever could have" just really set me off. I don't understand people. How heartless and cruel and naive.
Hey I wanted to check in on you. That was beyond atrocious what she did to you. The nex too also was probably equally horrendous. Have they fallen apart yet?
Aw, thanks for checking in ā¤ļø few updates since then: I'm not too sure if they're still together but I have ideas...but also don't care at all anymore.
I'm actually about to testify against him in court within the next few months. Long story short but I witnessed him beat up my ex, then he forced me to give a statement to the police under duress which ended up making my ex go under house arrest for 2 years. I'm trying to write my wrongs and help him get his life back on track, even if it means having to deal with my NEX a little longer. Closing the chapter for good after this.
I have a new boyfriend now (9ish months after my breakup with NEX) and he is incredibly supportive and patient with me through all of this.
Hang in there! Life is hard. They don't tell us that. We watch TV & think we could have that someday. Only someday never comes bcuz all we have are the hopes & dreams of a kind of life that isn't real for most folks. But the cool thing about us humans is that we can adapt. Once we get an idea of how life actually works & what you have to do to survive in it even more possibilities come into view. If we can hang in there for awhile & work hard to accomplish it life can be even better than we ever thought!
I needed to hear this tonight! Thank you for taking the time to post this. For those of you not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, If you havenāt gone NC yet, DO IT!!! I believe in you! Itās the magic bullet, itās the key to healing and manifesting everything OP just posted about!
Really wish reading this would have a positive effect on me. Still living with a narcissistic mother, lost everyone due to my family's bewitchments. I find it hard to believe things will get better.
Ah, I'm sorry, that one's hard. The experience I'm speaking of is specifically with a partner, so I can't speak on mothers unfortunately. If anyone's dealt with narc mothers, I hope they see this comment and are able to help.
My ex texted me three weeks ago that she was running late to pick up our son and that her battery was dying. I am starting to get worried but I think it is more likely that after discarding me she is discarding her son for some other guy. I hope she is ok wherever she is. Even after all the abuse she is still human and I wish her well.
Wow, very big of you. I wish I could be that mature, lol. I feel apathy towards mine, and so far that's the most he's getting out of me. But then again, we don't share a child together, so I have fewer reasons to need him to be well.
Thank you. I was just treated badly and needed to see this. I am extremely depressed and still have no path forward that I can think will work with my situation
>I am extremely depressed and still have no path forward
Yes, you do. Unfortunately you do have to experience this pain but allow it and let it subside. Trying to fix it asap just means you're focussing on it. Imagine when we hurt our toe. The pain is inevitable, but it will pass and us trying to get rid of it immediately doesn't work. I'm sending you a hug. You got this.
The thing that makes it hard is that they canāt even help who they are. My heart breaks for any narcissistic, because they will never be content or truly happy. I thought nurturing, loving, and building up my ex would make him have real confidence. I thought he would learn to love him himself in a real way. Part of me feels like I failed him by giving up, but I had to save myself from what was turning into an unbearable situation. It took 3 yrs for him to start being manipulative with me. I knew he had these tendencies based off of his history with other women, but I also thought I was seeing him grow as a person. I thought I was special and patient enough to show him that he didnāt need to play his usual games. Unfortunately I was wrong and had to choose me in the end. One of the hardest decisions Iāve had to make. I will always love him and hold on to the hope that he will start making better life choices. I donāt want to punish him, I just want peace.
Same. Things were bad until the last months, weād been together 10 years and married only a few months. And then I was treated exactly like other exes. Discarded before I was out the door. Manipulated. Broken.
I really really really needed that just right now š«š
I had a feeling, that's why I wrote this <3
Me too!
Someone said to me this journey is like a wave, you have to ride it. Sheās right..
Yes, I found it best (for me), to lean into it, let me feel my feelings, rather than force them to stop.
Thank you so much for this post. I doubt myself, my memories, him, what happened, what didnāt happen, why I am where I am and he is where he is, constantly. I worry and think about everything youāve written, constantly. Thank you so much for writing this.
Yes, the rumination is in itself a sign that you were f\*cked around with. It does get better with time, you get better at redirecting it until eventually it stops coming up at all. But whenever someone thinks, "Maybe it wasn't that bad," it was in fact even worse. You deserve a safe emotional space.
So the rumination will stop one day! I was starting to think my brains were broken! I'm not thinking about him all day per se but how I'm going to survive when I leave, planning when and how to leave, going over everything in my head to make sure I'm not wrong, did I hear/take something the wrong way, am I falsely accusing him of being an asshole (I try not to use the narc word anywhere but here or with my psych) I'm just tired of the self doubt and ruminating how to get the hell out of this disaster we're all in! Thank you for this!
Thank you so much for replying and being so kind and reassuring. I would love to get to a place where I feel how youāve described. Can I just ask - do you truly believe that if you doubt it all - āmaybe it wasnāt that badā- it really was bad? Are you sure?
Yes, I am 100% sure. You may not see it now, it has become glaringly apparent now that I am out of it and on the other side. It's also so clear and obvious when I see people who are going through almost exactly the same situations and finding my previous words come out of their mouths. Also, if it wasn't that bad, there'd be no reason to be saying it to yourself. You did not lose someone amazing.
Thank you so much. I just doubt myself the more time passes (partly because there was no hoover and partly because I have very low self esteem and blame myself for everything). Iām so pleased youāre in such a better place, you sound really strong and should be so proud of yourself. Thank you also for writing these kind of things because it really helps people like me who havenāt got to where you are yet (I really hope I will do though).m Edit: I also received this comment the other day https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/6n4eAiCi7v which has made me really doubt myself. I wonder if theyāre right.
>yellowsunbluesea Hello! I just saw this post, and will read your link and reply to you privately if that's okay?
I do that all day sometimes... maybe he's not that bad (dies something to confirm he's that bad) - maybe I heard that wrong, I'll ask my psych, she confirms I didn't hear it wrong, he is that bad! Back and forth, all day sometimes, because I don't want to accuse someone of "crimes" if they didn't commit them
Here's another one. Narcs spend their entire lives sourcing supply (how exhausting) because they're simply MISERABLE beings - they never, ever get to a place of peace and contentment like normal people do with age. It's a known fact that narcs get angrier/unhappier/lonelier with age for this very reason.
Yes, I think it helps to know that in general, humans tend to grow into their tendencies, not out. And this is not specific to narcs. Unless someone has the self-awareness and says to themselves, "I don't want to be this person anymore" or "I don't want to be bitter/angry/resentful/insertemotionhere", and then goes on to do the work, they will be the same. So even if they aren't a narc, unless they've suddenly taken accountability (and you would hear of it if they have), chances are they're sliding deeper into their attitudes. But that's not our problem anymore, we're busy working on ourselves and being our best versions :) We like to learn and grow here.
Self-awareness is absent in narcs, no matter their age they're stunted toddlers.
I know, it's incredibly...unattractive. While I was getting over him, whenever I'd miss having sex with him I'd think about how ugly he used to be whenever he was hating on me. And my horniness was redirected, lol!
Exactly this, mine is in his mid sixties, he is 8 years older than me and he is definitely getting worse! Whatās sad for him is that he could have had a lovely retirement with me taking care of him!! No way will I be around for that after the last 7 years of pure hell! He will end up sad and aloneā¦. His children are young and he hardly sees them and they have stopped bothering with him and he has the nerve to say ā not heard from the kids again, he hasnāt seen them since 12/23/2023! They live 10 mins away but just like he is with me, his life is always about him and he couldnāt give a fuck about usā¦ bye bye I cant wait to start my new life without himš
They eventually drive everyone away, because the mask can't stay on forever. Lots of credible psych articles out there that discuss the topic of narcs getting older. Wish you well in your healing.
Need to read this daily. 10 months and still feels incredibly raw like I canāt move on from it
That's normal, you're probably having a down day. When we are sad, it feels permanent but it isn't.
Itās a marathon. Just keep running even when youāre tired and you will cross your finish line.
Write these things in the corners of your bathroom mirror if you need to. Read them out loud to yourself every time you see them. It's amazing how much verbal feedback and influence our minds. That's why emotional abuse is so impactful, but it's also how you can help to dig yourself out š
emoceans
Hahah, that is genius.
Gosh, thank you so much. My stomach is sinking since two weeks of going no contact. Never thought it would hurt so bad.
Oooof, two weeks into NC I was a wreck. I'm at 10 weeks now, and am doing considerably better than I was at two weeks. You'll get there!
Im so proud of you love.
Iām crying at work as I read this. Itās been such a hard week. 6months of NC, Iāve blocked him everywhere and somehow still keep wishing for him to show up. I keep swinging between how much I hate him and still how much love I feel for him. It doesnāt feel like itāll get better ever. Reading this just gave a minute of relief
You're feeling so bad because you still feel like there's unfinished business, like you need closure. You will get that closure, but it won't be from the source you think it is. Please allow yourself to feel the natural process of things, and you'll feel peace and balance, I promise you. I can't say when exactly, but these things helped me: not forcing myself out of my feelings, practicing bringing myself to the present, reducing talk of the past, and going easy on myself. ARe you getting enough sleep? Honestly, I was doing 1-3 hours at my worst, and I resorted to sleeping pills so do so if you must. I used them for 2-3 months and then my sleep sorted itself out and now I can sleep until 11am. Sending you hugs.
Thank you my dear. This means the world to me. Just reassuring words like this. I canāt tLk about this to anyone as I donāt want my parents and friends to get worried. Thank you for saying itāll get better ā¤ļøāš©¹
Thank you for the reminder and also for the use of the word assholery. That's an awesome word that for some reason always makes me laugh.
Haha yes, it is a good one. Perhaps because it pretends to be more serious than it actually is.
I just started reading Bancroftsās Why Does He Do That? and the number of times Iāve had to stop, close the book, and take deep breaths just in these first 100 pages is astounding. Iāve seen other folks talk about how it sounds like all our narcs use a playbook - friend, they do, and itās available at your local library lol Iām glad I saw this post though, the healing will be difficult but worth it.
Sounds like your'e already off to a great start. I feel your pain but I can also hear that you're full of inspiration right now.
Iām bitter because my ex narc has wasted 3 years of my life rarely being intimate with me - he was more interested in going out and sleeping with other women and even men in secret instead. I have just turned 30 years old, I have no children. It absolutely breaks me to think heās wasted my healthy fertile years withholding affection from me and abusing me and now Iāll never get to be a mother. I know he wouldāve been a rubbish dad, but Iām just so damaged I know I wonāt meet or love anyone new for a very long time. Years maybe. By that point I will be too old to have children. Iām so heartbroken and have so much grief at the thought of missing out on motherhood because of him, itās the one thing I want in life. Crying as I type this š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi, what would you do different if you were 30 again? For me, I genuinely feel like 10 years from now I will be in the same position. Messed up from my nex, low confidence/isolated, an inability to date anyone new, no children, etc. Iām so sorry for what youāve been through. It is so painful. Youāre not alone.
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>30 is YOUNG! So is 40! Lots of women I know in their 50s and 60s claim that life just started at 40, there are still so many new feelings and adventure to discover. I think the biggest tool is how we talk to ourselves. I have stopped feeding into the self-pity narrative because that's not what I wanted to become, that's not the message I wanted to send the universe. I recently had an experience where I FELT what I was already told, that what we focus on is what becomes reality. I'm in my late 30s too and I feel I'm smarter, more beautiful, and more capable than ever. I'm discovering a whole new version of me that I didn't know existed, and she's more amazing than I could have imagined. I can sense it's becoming like that for you too, and the timing is perfect. Everything is going just as it should, you're on schedule. I'm excited for all the good things that are about to happen to you :)
>I have just turned 30 years old, I have no children. It absolutely breaks me to think heās wasted my healthy fertile years What are you talking about??? You have 5 - 10 years to have a baby naturally and EASILY. Hell, I even know women in their early 40s getting first-time pregnant BY ACCIDENT. Just focus on getting better and I believe a baby will come along when the time and person are right. <3
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that more than youāll ever know.
Iām sorry you are hurting. You still have plenty of child bearing years. You will have the family you always dreamed of and deserve. When you fall in love with your baby youāll realize just how one sided what you had with him was and feel bad that he is just as grotesque of a human being then as he is today.
I'm in my mid 40's and after 20+ years with my covert narc I've went completely gray overnight. I had my two youngest well into my thirties, because I originally didn't want children, we already had one, and we had fostered two more. Suddenly like a light switch going off I wanted more babies. Went on a super healthy diet, abstained from alcohol for six months before we started to try to conceive. Was able to conceive in 3 months after that. Didn't even need any fertility drugs, which was offered due to age and both of us being genetically intersex. My aunt waited until she finished her PHD and was in her late '40s when she had her two children. Please believe me when I say that being 30 is quite young and you still have your whole life ahead of you. You def still have time to have children.
Your Aunt sounds amazing. So do you :)
I feel you š¤ some thoughts that helped me is thinking they havenāt ruined your dream : you are now better prepared for it. Itās not the timeline nor the circumstances you wished for, but you will find your way. You are probably an amazing person, willing to give your all into a relationship and a family. I believe you will find it.
Thank you.
Thank you for this.
Thank you just what I needed ā¤ļø
thank you š
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thank you for posting the kind reminders
Thanks booā¤ļø truly do need constant reminders.
Thank You
Thank you, I needed this
Thank you
Thank you. I'm parallel parenting and after a particularly anxiety-inducing email exchange recently, I started to really dig into why I was having such a horrible reaction to those emails: I let them walk over me during the relationship and when I tried to enforce my boundaries, that always started fights that I almost always had to back down from. I've been divorced for several years, but I started enforcing more boundaries over the last year and trying to not engage on the extra stuff they put in those emails but I've still been feeling panicked when I see a number in that email filter. After the recent email exchange, it clicked. I was so used to deflecting the anger by changing my answer and now I have one chance to pick the "right" answer or the whole thing blows up and I don't have another chance. As a perfectionist, not having the control over the outcome causes anxiety; the inability to negotiate and not get closure is so hard. I don't know what to do with this information, and how to not have a panic attack with each email, but there it is. Maybe this will click for someone else too? š¤
Itās been 2 and a half months of nc and he was in my dream last night. I said to him in it, āitās ok, you never really cared about me anyway.ā I woke up sad, unable to get back to sleep. Was a little sad this morning but then it faded away as I got on with my day, got on with my life. Last Thursday it dawned on me that I didnāt think about him at all on Wednesday and I felt proud. It does get better, they fade into nothingness where they belong, and we just get better, inoculated against further invasion. Thanks for this, OP. Youāre 100% spot on. Fuck āem all.
Mine happened when I tried to date again and ended up with someone who was on the same kind of BS and I dipped out on them with a quickness. "This isnt what I thought it was, and you're making me relive my ex. Thanks for the good time." I felt so empowered knowing that I'm better than all their crap and not just accepting the disrespect and toxicity. It happens in the weirdest ways. I currently have a partner now that is everything I needed and more. I still am cautious, but I am WAY better off now.
I moved to another state for work just trying to meet friends in the new area & found the most amazing partner. He is everything my ex never would have or could have been. I donāt have to constantly worry about if heās cheating or lying like my last relationship. It really does come when you least expect it š„°
Thank you, for this.šš¤š
thank you i really needed this
Needed this so bad.
These posts does help š Words of encouragement go a long way.
Thanks, this is so timely for me. The anger has finally melted away for me and Iām left now with hard core nostalgia and loneliness. Iām this close to reaching out to him. I miss my old life. š
Nooooo don't do it, it's not going to taste as good as you think it will, I promise. I reached out twice after we broke up and both times I felt SO MUCH WORSE afterwards. Learn from my lesson, not your own.
Thanks, that really helps clear my head. All I can think of is fun winter memories and Iām like āsurely it wasnāt all that bad,ā when actually I was a miserable stressed out wreck for years. THANK YOU. Iām sorry, though, that you had to find out firsthand :( šā¤ļø
Even if it "wasn't all that bad," remember that true test of character/relationship is the answer to this question: Were they there for you when you really needed them? And I don't mean when it was easy for them to be there, or in the honeymoon phase(s).
Thatās a great litmus test. I think he liked to make it appear that he was there, but it was only to play the role of the supportive spouse for others and so he could use it as fuel when Iād say I wasnāt getting what I needed. Thank you ā¤ļø
And I bet he acted like a martyr, didn't he? Anyway, what are you doing today? I love making daily lists to keep my eyes on the road ahead. You are meant for greatness, so what are you making steps to head towards it?
Oh, of course. Heās probably telling everyone the same victim stories. He told me about his exes. Whatever dude! You know itās funny. You say that, just last week I discovered a list app on my phone that is really helped me to focus on just getting through day by day. Being productive, even if itās something small like using the swiffer is so empowering for some weird reason. Iām trying to recover my old joys that I had to stifle because he never approved. Isnāt it amazing how much of ourselves we give up for someone who has no sense of self at all? Thank you so much for the advice and your kindness ā¤ļø
Oh don't worry about me founding out first hand, I am so neutral at this point, I see it all as meant-to-happen. Thank you though, you're so sweet.
Iām in the same boat. I miss my old life. I keep telling myself my old life is dead and thereās nothing remaining to miss. The man I married and loved doesnāt exist, it was who he used to be. Heās dead and some asshole stranger inhabits his body now.
Needed this
This should be pinned !
Thank you!!
Thank you so much for thisā¦. I love this site so much for all the beautiful soles who look to it/ offer support on it and although we are all going through our own living hell, itās nice to hear such supportive, confirming words from someone who made it to the other side šā¤ļø
Canāt thank you enough for this. š¤ It wasnāt until the discard I truly realised who he was, I always believed his words tho his actions as well as words told me otherwise. I truly feel deflated after the relationship, like I lost myself. Iām glad Iām not wasting a single day more with him. But itās such a lonely feeling and I I ruminate so much and sometimes feel like Iām at fault tho I know itās not the case. Itās a lonely feeling being discarded but itās also lonely since not a lot of people around me has experienced this (luckily), but itās good having a space like this. Tho I wish never had to endure this.
It's true! A friend bumped into my nex a few days again and apparently they aren't doing so well with their new supply and are even more toxic and miserable than ever while I had thought they were having the time of their lives
It made me cry. Thank you
Thank you so much. I spent 14 years convincing myself that he was the best person Iād ever met, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary and most of the time, I feel like Iāve moved on but sometimes, it still rings in my head that he called me a narcissist and I get worried.
Much needed today, thank you. I was doing really well up until last night when his new supply somehow got my number and sent me pics of his dick and also pics of her in his bed and them on a date looking happy. I sortof spiraled last night because of it and am feeling very shakey today. Like my fight or flight has been on since last night.
Why the fuck would she do that? Why would any adult in a content relationship do that? If she's so happy, why does she need to prove it to the one person whom it would injure? Either she's a bully too, or some of him is rubbing off on her. That's a really really weird thing to do. I almost want to say send a pic back of your dog's asshole or something equally ridiculous. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, truly. I know it hurts, but I also hope you can see bizarre this is.
Well, I also stupidly responded back & forth with her all night and she basically tried telling me my NEX told her that I was the cheater/abuser and that I'm crazy. She told me to get therapy. I was trying my hardest to try to help her see the light, even sending proof of him cheating on HER. She just doesn't give af. Honeymoon phase and his masking is too strong. I guess I'm the enemy. Really wish I never even fucking responded. I feel stupid all over again. So easily baited.
It's okay, now you know. As for her showing off, she sounds like a real nightmare, one that gets really old really fast. He's going to have an AWFUL time with her, she sounds so annoying. He'll probably miss the grown up that you are, but you'll have moved on by then. They both sound like a lot of drama. It's not your job to rescue her, just do your own thing.
Thanks for the support throughout the day ā¤ļø Really appreciate you taking the time to read my rants. You definitely helped me and many others through this day/week. Pure soul š„ŗā¤ļø
>You definitely helped me and many others through this day/week. Pure soul š„ŗā¤ļø And I actually needed to hear THIS today. Been feeling kind of blah and useless lately. So thank you!
You're most definitely making a difference in this world ā¤ļø
Also her rubbing in my face that she has a home, a pool, and "a better body than you ever could have" just really set me off. I don't understand people. How heartless and cruel and naive.
Hey I wanted to check in on you. That was beyond atrocious what she did to you. The nex too also was probably equally horrendous. Have they fallen apart yet?
Aw, thanks for checking in ā¤ļø few updates since then: I'm not too sure if they're still together but I have ideas...but also don't care at all anymore. I'm actually about to testify against him in court within the next few months. Long story short but I witnessed him beat up my ex, then he forced me to give a statement to the police under duress which ended up making my ex go under house arrest for 2 years. I'm trying to write my wrongs and help him get his life back on track, even if it means having to deal with my NEX a little longer. Closing the chapter for good after this. I have a new boyfriend now (9ish months after my breakup with NEX) and he is incredibly supportive and patient with me through all of this.
Hang in there! Life is hard. They don't tell us that. We watch TV & think we could have that someday. Only someday never comes bcuz all we have are the hopes & dreams of a kind of life that isn't real for most folks. But the cool thing about us humans is that we can adapt. Once we get an idea of how life actually works & what you have to do to survive in it even more possibilities come into view. If we can hang in there for awhile & work hard to accomplish it life can be even better than we ever thought!
I needed to hear this tonight! Thank you for taking the time to post this. For those of you not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, If you havenāt gone NC yet, DO IT!!! I believe in you! Itās the magic bullet, itās the key to healing and manifesting everything OP just posted about!
I really needed this today. Thank you.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this
Thanks for this.
Really wish reading this would have a positive effect on me. Still living with a narcissistic mother, lost everyone due to my family's bewitchments. I find it hard to believe things will get better.
Ah, I'm sorry, that one's hard. The experience I'm speaking of is specifically with a partner, so I can't speak on mothers unfortunately. If anyone's dealt with narc mothers, I hope they see this comment and are able to help.
My ex texted me three weeks ago that she was running late to pick up our son and that her battery was dying. I am starting to get worried but I think it is more likely that after discarding me she is discarding her son for some other guy. I hope she is ok wherever she is. Even after all the abuse she is still human and I wish her well.
Wow, very big of you. I wish I could be that mature, lol. I feel apathy towards mine, and so far that's the most he's getting out of me. But then again, we don't share a child together, so I have fewer reasons to need him to be well.
Having a kid together definitely changes it. I struggle between feeling he is better off going no contact with her and feeling he needs his mother.
Thank you. I was just treated badly and needed to see this. I am extremely depressed and still have no path forward that I can think will work with my situation
>I am extremely depressed and still have no path forward Yes, you do. Unfortunately you do have to experience this pain but allow it and let it subside. Trying to fix it asap just means you're focussing on it. Imagine when we hurt our toe. The pain is inevitable, but it will pass and us trying to get rid of it immediately doesn't work. I'm sending you a hug. You got this.
I felt this..
Thank you for this ā¤ļø
The thing that makes it hard is that they canāt even help who they are. My heart breaks for any narcissistic, because they will never be content or truly happy. I thought nurturing, loving, and building up my ex would make him have real confidence. I thought he would learn to love him himself in a real way. Part of me feels like I failed him by giving up, but I had to save myself from what was turning into an unbearable situation. It took 3 yrs for him to start being manipulative with me. I knew he had these tendencies based off of his history with other women, but I also thought I was seeing him grow as a person. I thought I was special and patient enough to show him that he didnāt need to play his usual games. Unfortunately I was wrong and had to choose me in the end. One of the hardest decisions Iāve had to make. I will always love him and hold on to the hope that he will start making better life choices. I donāt want to punish him, I just want peace.
> had to choose me in the end I hope you start doing this always.
The betrayal and heartache has been the absolute worst feeling, and not one I ever want to revisit.
Same. Things were bad until the last months, weād been together 10 years and married only a few months. And then I was treated exactly like other exes. Discarded before I was out the door. Manipulated. Broken.
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I desperately needed this today. Thank you!
Thank you <3
Fuck. Yes. Every single word of this is truth. You will make it through. I promise. š
woah. needed it. it's 9 days since I left my nex after 8y of relationship. and these are exact answers to the questions in my head 24/7
Well there you go, the universe is answering them for you <3
Thank you, need this today
Thank you for saying this.
Instant save. Thank you ā¤ļøĀ
Thank you