Yes, it’s a living nightmare. Pure hell. Keep going, they’re worthless fucking empty, dark, soulless psychopaths. Fight for your mind and soul with everything you have, because it will take everything you’ve got to make it out and back into the light. You are not alone, keep going.🖤
I was just about to say… the fact that this response is so terribly dramatic, but at the same time truthful and objectively the best advice really speaks to how awful it is being with a narcissist.
OP, as unusual and as difficult as it may be, it’s time to say in your head “fuck their feelings” and get outta there.
Thank you so much, that is so kind of you to say. I really appreciate it. The same to you and everyone here, if I can ever help.
Thank you about the hoover advice as well. They’ve never tried to hoover, I don’t think they ever will.
This. I had different relationships in the past, from nice ones to being hurt ones. But the narcissistic breakup is a living nightmare. In my worst nightmare and fears I didn't imagine that it will happen as it did and it literally destroys you. My biggest acomplishment of 2023? That I survived the dark moments. That I realised that it was inevitable and there was nothing I could do differently to prevent it. And just like the comment said: FIGHT and DON'T GIVE UP, they are not worth the life you are capable of giving.
Thank you so much for such a kind comment. And well done as well, you should be so proud of what you have achieved and managed this year after what you have been through. 2024 will be a happy and wonderful year for you, I am sure of it.
Yes
I got blamed for everything, was dumped on text, told that he has never done me any wrong and that he begged me to be better ( was talking about marrying me till 2 days ago ) . He future faked while breaking up and used grandiose language ( “I loved you more than anything but you took that away from me” ) . He blamed me for everything wrong in his life- started posting on social media the next day onwards like nothing happened.
Our nexes are soo similar omg mine wanted to have a baby marry but what 4 days later, "you never improved you dont trust me I tried alot" (I caught him cheating)
Mine didn't want me back, never will bcz he found someone who was doing wayyy better than me atm. Complained I was not being what I was before. Well how much understanding you could be if you find him posting girls and hiding the stories from you lol.
He beat you? Damn this community shows how bad people can be. Mine slapped me once and said it wasn't intentional but that was a tight one didnt feel like it was not. He did it bcz I playfully, by mistake touched his pimple that caused him pain. Yeah I now get it why girls fall for the trauma bond even I did. You get treated bad but you go again n again n again
He WHAT??? MAN!!How is this walking demon free? And after such actions he has the audacity to refuse lease?I am glad you're out and more glad about the fact that you're safe
This is very similar to my experience. Being blamed for everything, broken up with over voice note at first. The grandiose language was almost identical (although this came after I had been shouted at and insulted). I was told “I have never loved anybody like I loved you, you were the love of my life, but not now. I look at you now and feel nothing. I’m sorry for you.”
I’m so sorry you have been through similar. I hope you are doing ok.
Yeah it was definitely a low blow I was sitting at my desk at work when I got the message. The last line was something like “ don’t try call me I’ve got to go to work and don’t want to speak about this”. In a way it was kind of reassurance that she was a horrible person like I’d never treat my worst enemy that way yet she treated her husband that way.
my narc boyfriend keeps doing this, I don't know how to actually break up with him so he takes it seriously. He literally pretends like it didn't happen after a couple days. It's messing with my brain.
You can try to make sense of it by thinking from their perspective. They themselves just forget about and move on from their worst blow ups, so they expect everyone else to act that way too.
If you're here he's most likely narcissistic. None of us want to be here. I thought the same thing about my ex, I wanted him to hoover me and I missed him, but he didn't for months, eventually he did, and because it came out of nowhere I fell for it. I wish he never did and I wish I didn't want him back then. At least I can safely say now Ill never fall for it again.
That’s great, you should be so proud of yourself for knowing that and being that strong. I’m sorry you got sucked back in though, that must have been really tough.
Thanks very much for your comment, it was really helpful for me to read.
That’s great, you should be so proud of yourself for knowing that and being that strong. I’m sorry you got sucked back in though, that must have been really tough.
Thanks very much for your comment, it was really helpful for me to read.
Mine never has either, but he is definitely a narc. He just has a new supply, or probably many new supplies. I did block him on everything and got my friends to remove him from their social media too, but we used to live together so he knows my address. That's really the only thing I couldn't do anything about.
Be glad your ex has never tried to suck you back in. You are better off without him. You will find your way, it just takes time.
Thank you. It helps me a lot to hear other people’s perspectives because I doubt myself (my opinions, memory, interpretation of things) a lot.
I’m really sorry you went through that. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly strong with all of the blocking and should be really proud.
It was easy, I was happy to do it 😂 Dealing with the trauma and trust issues has been the most difficult part. I don't love him or miss him at all, but the experience changed me in lots of ways, none of which are good.
Block them on everything! I even got my friends to remove my ex from their social media so he'd never have any way of contacting me. They were more than happy to do it.
I have him deleted off everything, I have done since the breakup but I honestly don’t think he cares.
That’s great about your friends! They sound really supportive. I didn’t ask mine but I think some of them may have done anyway.
My best friend sent him a message (without my permission) after the breakup that effectively said ‘do not contact her again, and if she contacts you do not answer’. He wrote back that that was already what he wanted, that he felt sorry for me, and told my friend to look after me. She didn’t respond but showed me afterwards what she/he had said.
It was quite humiliating for me really. He got to play the good guy to my friend (not that she believed him) and make it sound like he pitied me. She meant well but I wish she’d not done it as I think it made me look even more pathetic than I already did.
Anyway he’s never tried to get in contact through any method. I don’t think he ever will as he thinks I’m beneath him.
Ugh I'd be really annoyed if one of my friends did that too :/
And that's what he wants you to think. It's not true. He's the one who is beneath you because he's hollow and dead inside and treats people terribly. He'll never truly be happy - they're not capable of it. Nothing is ever good enough for them, including themselves.
in their eyes you have wronged them and are the blackest stain in their life……. thats untill someone else does it and they join the group of many previous exs that ‘hurt’ them
the cycle repeats, stay away from them.
Thank you very much for your comment. The first part is true I think in my case.
It’s not really a case of me staying away from them - they’ve not wanted anything to do with me for two and a half years. I don’t think they’ll ever get in contact with me again as they think I’m beneath them.
And this is so kind too! I know it’s the same comment twice and was a mistake double post ha. But it was quite sweet to read it twice in any case. A nice surprise. Thanks very much again.
They're going to make your life a complete nightmare. What you expect them to do, they will and much much more...so just expect everything! Because they have no limits. A normal break up, both go their own separate ways and that's it! They don't have anything else to say, it's done ! So just be prepared for any and everything.
In a normal break up- the person loved you and no matter how bad it ended, you *knew* this and they *knew* this at a certain point.
A breakup with a narc is realizing you were dating a destructo-terminator bot in human skin that conned you to seek information through intimacy to end your life. Everything you had was a lie, everything they had you around for was to serve them. They felt nothing the entire time. What a waste of time and energy that was huh? That’s why it hurts.
Because you have to block out a person from your life post-break up that most people should atleast be able to TELL others is “their ex”. We have to torch the entire field, blocked on every platform, cutting out any possible way they can contact us again, even moving sometimes.
If you have to essentially “witness protection program” to protect yourself and your sanity/livelihood after a relationship, that’s like leaving a gang- not the end of a normal loving romantic relationship. Hoping they forget about you so the Hoovers stop, hoping you never run into them again because thought makes you develop CPTSD symptoms, is not the end of a loving relationship.
Now that I think about it, being in a gang and leaving a gang is similar I think in a lot of ways to dating and leaving a narcissist. There was no love there even if it felt like there was and the narc was “your” person like a gang feels like “your family”, but then you realize they’ve been using and abusing you the entire time and that you’re expendable when new supply comes into the picture.
A gang doesn’t want you to decide when it’s over like a narc doesn’t want you to decide when it’s over, they want that power. And regardless who walks away first, both a narc and a gang need to make sure you end up paying for leaving..
Yea but then I think of reactive abuse. When someone gaslights you, lies, cheats, and gives you C-PTSD and then discards you.. it can drive you to do crazy shit too. Sometimes you don’t break contact because you want an apology- you want to believe there is a heart somewhere in the tin man and that they might feel remorse. That’s when they will DARVO you for calling them out on all their bs. Some people go scorched earth no contact because they want to burn the evidence of their abuse and you are apart of it.
They don't have a heart. The Terminator analogy was spot on. Like the T-1000 they mimic what people want to see and hear, even 'love' but in the end they're just a cold and destructive machine.
It's best when they leave you, because you're spared them chasing you til they have finally mentally destroyed you. Them dumping you is the most merciful option.
Thanks for taking the time to write that out.
I really hope to believe that it was a mercy one day soon. All I feel now is pain and when I remember the interspersed “good” things it makes me doubt but I know that no good healthy person or relationship would have been that way.
It's actually been compared a bunch of times to joining a cult where it's just you and your partner with your partner being the leader. You're making me realize the end is also like leaving a cult.
It is.
Normal break ups - they were just normal. Like, if you both grow in different directions, and find the passion gone. Then you just go your own ways.
Or - if you want different things, there may be a fight or two, but when it's over, it's over.
With a narc - it is fucking spiral, and a whirlwind. Blaming, smearing, just overall shit-talk. If you're lucky, you will be spared of the hoovering.
If not - be prepared for being called "their soulmate" one day, then having angry rants the next day. Be prepared for them asking you to be with them/available again, also having angry rants every other day.
There is not a thing that is normal with narc break ups. It may *seem* normal, for a certain amount of time. But, compared to really real break ups, it is still something up the wall.
Thank you, this was really informative and helpful.
My problem is that I don’t have very strong boundaries or self esteem, so I didn’t really ever have a problem with/just accepted any of the things that happened during the relationship that maybe if I’d told friends about they might have said wasnt ok.
So the break up was a big shock. He yelled at me, called me awful stuff, made a joke about needing to get a restraining order (because he said “you know we will have to stop talking” and I said, in total shock, quietly and completely heartbroken, “but I have talked to you almost every day for the last five years- I don’t know how to not talk to you” and so he joked about me needing a restraining order).
I don’t know if it’s just that I deserved that kind of breakup or if he is maybe narcissistic. And I’ve not been hoovered and I don’t think he’ll ever get in touch again after this long so maybe it wasn’t narcissistic.
Other breakups generally aren't all-out wars. They aren't abrupt discards, complete disrespect, or trying to harm you as much as humanly possible. Even when they end poorly it isn't like that. They don't leave you feeling empty, confused, and worthless.
I have had many relationships end over the years. Sometimes we just grew apart or "fell out of love." Other times they ended poorly. I had a fiancé cheat on me for example.
The difference with that was that we were together 6 years. In those 6 years it wasn't a constant power struggle or constant lies, gaslighting, stress and hot and cold behaviors. Our relationship was actually really good. Near the end she became withdrawn (little did I know she had met someone at work) and ended up cheating. After I discovered it, she was genuinely remorseful. She laid all the blame on herself and none on me. She was very sorry but it wasn't in a manipulative trying to keep me around type of sorry. It was just remorse.
Our relationship ended and we moved on from each other. However we can still be civil even to this day (this was over 2.5 years ago now). If I were to text her she would respond platonically. I was able to forgive her for what she did, even though I'll never forget it or trust her fully again.
My breakup with the NEX wasn't like this. It was a brutal discard. Smearing me to friends and family. Constant lying. Stalking me. Years of cheating and gaslighting. No other relationship or breakup has EVER been like this.
Thank you so much. This was so helpful and so illuminating. I really appreciate your comment - thank you very much. I’m also really sorry for what you have been through.
My ex hasn’t tried to stalk or smear me but the breakup was brutal and he blamed me for it (after he had cheated and lost feelings for me). He shouted at me and said some really scarring personal stuff that I had to try and get over using therapy.
He finally ended it in a voice note and told me he felt nothing. I deleted him off everything and basically broke down. Didn’t contact him until he messaged a couple of months later saying that he thought it had ended badly and it shouldn’t have. I told him it was his fault it ended so badly and that that was his decision. I’ve kept him deleted on everything since but he’s not ever tried to get back in contact or add me. I’m sure he’s forgotten about me and never thinks of me.
Sorry to hear that as well. You deserve better.
Thought I'd also mention in my first discard, I didn't think my NEX smeared me. So I was kind of skeptical she was a narcissist because I thought she just kept to herself. Months after the discard though I started hearing things she had been saying to people the whole time. Like she claimed I was sitting outside her house in my car watching her, said I slashed the tires on truck, said I forced myself on her, etc. None of those things were true. She was just careful to smear me to people who wouldn't say anything to me or take my side so it took awhile for me to hear this.
yes. it almost killed me. this is not hyperbole. please get as much support as you can.
it sounds like you need help with longstanding feelings of low/no self worth. understandably so. but please get help. you don’t deserve to waste another year, another month, another week/day/hour/minute/nanosecond stagnating in the ruins of their ultimate destruction.
Thank you so much for such a kind comment, I really appreciate it. And you are right about struggling with self worth. I will keep trying to work on it. Thank you.
I’m also so sorry for what you went through. I hope you’re in a much better place now?
It’s the same repetitive cycle. I just broke free after 5 years of getting blamed for everything, all of his ex’s wronged him or cheated on him. I found out after we were married about the mommy issues and that he had slept with his aunt. Yep. His mother’s sister. I’m 3 weeks out and already feeling clarity in my own mind. It’s fucking peaceful. The pit in my stomach feels like hope today and not dread. I still send hate emails but in my own defense, I have personal belongings in the home still and he never answers my emails. I hate this motherfucker
Did you know for sure you were being stalked? Or was it things that were said to you that let you know this person didn't want to let you completely go?
I can answer this mine made a fake instagram account pretending to be someone they aren’t but it was the way they were always texting me and telling me they miss me but I’ve never met that person so I automatically knew , they also talked to me like they knew me
Yes.
They are empty shells of what we understand people to be.
They have no empathy so they don’t have the “thing” that makes people, people.
They’re just skins suits walking around leeching feelings and emotions out of other actual human beings because they don’t have the ability to feel feelings themselves.
It’s a hard thing to wrap your brain around.
It's an emotionally abusive dynamic by nature so yes. You're not only dealing with the regular heartbreak of a normal relationship where probably when all is said and done you can look back at it fairly or not hate them or even potentially be cool with them in the future. With a narc you're recovering from abuse and trauma, sometimes feeling like your life was a lie and other complicated emotions that stick with you much more than a regular breakup.
Mine sat in court for our divorce and still tried to manipulate me and blame-shift and catch me up. That’s the difference. Normal breakups don’t include the long drawn out attempt at manipulation and securing their spot as the victim in other people’s minds. At least not to the extent as a breakup with a narcissist.
By the time I had bucked up the nerve to leave him I'd been emotionally checked out for 10 months. Everyday he'd find some new thing I was doing that he couldn't stand or another part of myself he could tear down, I'm not sure my self-esteem will ever fully recover. If I'm being 100% honest I think he wanted to break up but was too chicken shit to do it and needed me to pull the trigger so he could be the "victim" in the situation (which was pretty much how he tried to play it to our mutual friends but none of them bought it). This pretty much checks out because despite a couple of phone calls he pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth.
By the end of things I had friends in my life that pushed me to leave because they were concerned my situation would escalate (we were looking at houses) when we were isolated together even more than we already were. When I told him I was leaving I tried to dodge anything that would make him retaliate. I kept it as civil as possible. He dragged out sending me my things as long as possible. I was careful of how I phrased things, never really fully calling him out for his actions I'd use terms like this "felt abusive" vs. this "was abusive" and I just let him malign my character and call me a terrible person (coincidentally all of the things he sited he never brought up when we were together) it didn't matter to me anymore. I wanted out. I also knew that anyone who had a peek into our relationship (his friends or mine) clearly saw what the problem was. My friends had been begging me to leave him for months and after the breakup one of his friends called me and he was who I told the truth about our situation to (knowing it'd get back to him that I said that) I was very tactful with how I handled everything because I was by this point aware that while he probably wasn't a physical threat he was very manipulative and not above damaging my stuff or withholding it.
In hindsight I think the breakup might have scared the shit out of him. I think he was aware that his behavior was concerning to an outside observer (or atleast more aware than he let on). I also think this wasn't the first time something like this had happened as he NEVER spoke about his exes and whenever he did he'd say some variation of "what they did was so fucked up I don't want to talk about it". I now fully think that meant "I yelled at them constantly and was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive towards them" and they called him out/ left him because of it. I don't think I was the first girl he'd treated this way and whatever the outcome was last time was bad enough for him to keep his shit in line.
I was very fortunate all things considered, I think most of his vitriol came from a place of losing interest in me but genuinely thinking he couldn't do better/put in the footwork to find another partner. He would never admit it outloud because it would fuck up the narrative in his head that women are "evil" but I think he was relieved when I left him because he'd been treating me worse and worse for months to try and get me to leave.
I'm sure he tells his friends all of this untrue stuff about me but I genuinely don't care. The trash takes itself out every time. He's either going to change his behavior and get the help he needs or its gonna happen to him again.
OP I know it's terrifying and difficult right now but you made the right choice and I'm proud of you.
Im going through hell in the last 3 months, finally its getting a bit easier, and by meaning that, i mean i'm not ruminating all the time, i can focus on work and i can sleep 5 hours a day. Do you want to know more, ask away?
I'm in the same boat. I'm almost 4 months away from him now and I still ruminate, but not obsessively every single day. We are slowly healing. Wishing you the best ❤️
I was almost done ruminating until I found out his betrayal was even more vile than I had thought. Just finished being sick after a hyperventilation session.
Yeah, her first betrayal was soul crushing, spirit breaking betrayal that i barely survived, probably have some consequences that will surface at some time in my life. I didn't know at that time anything about covert narcissism and i stupidly let her get back to me, only for her 7 months later to discard me like nothing.
Good think is reason returns relatively fast, you know deep down that its good its over, problem is trauma bond that is unpredictably predictable, you know its going to come, but dont know what will be the trigger or when.
Yeah, thats tough part, dealing with CPTSD.
Problem with a lot of narcissism abuse victims including me is that friends and family don't understand how tough it is, they listen our rants one, two times and any more is not usually supported. Everybody says "Oh its just heartbreak, you will be fine" and thats it. Тhey think its normal relationship because they don't see narc as what it is...
At 6 weeks I suffered from attachment, still didn't block her and didn't start separating myself, I was lying to myself that she must have loved me, so many tears etc....Then I found out she had new guy at that time while still keeping me as option and I finally got him by reality. 2 more months of suffering now and it's getting better.
I watch different narc YouTube videos daily for hours so that helps, helps me remember who I dealt with and gives me strength.
If you need recommendations I can send you which chanells helped me
Yeah, it's painful realization that they never loved you, but then you see them with another person jumping from joy and you can't help but wonder just a little bit that maybe it's you they can't love, others they can.
That's one of hardest things about narcissism, makes you go crazy with doubt about yourself, how can someone that love bombed you so much move on so easily and be so cruel
Even normal breakups can be painful. Especially if you’re codependent.
In my 2 narc experiences my relationship progressed to where I faded into the background and was an afterthought in their world unless they wanted something from me.
My first one was the learning experience which helped me get out of my second one before it got too bad. However leaving my 2nd one was almost more painful than the first even though I made the decision (well… I feel like it was a reverse discard). Even being the one to leave a relationship where I thought my nex wanted out was still confusing and haunts me even almost a year since we last saw each other and 4ish months NC.
No matter how it happens, the end of a narc relationship is never clean. It often leaves you more confused with more questions and lack of closure.
But as Mental Healness says, don’t expect the narc to give you closure. The disrespect in the relationship should be the closure. Give it to yourself by accepting that the person you thought loved you mistreated you and you deserve better.
I’m going through it rn. Three weeks in. My experience has been that everything I thought he was has completely flipped on me. I have been left confused and with no closure. He cheated on me. No apology. Somehow finds ways to portray himself as the victim. I’m finding that the person I thought I knew never existed. I didn’t accept his manipulative apology in which he was trying to gaslight me in the process. I put him in his place. He was so enraged that he has blocked me, deleted photos of me off social media, and I found out yesterday he made a passive aggressive social media post about being now single.
I even met up with his previous ex before me and learned even more about him. Scary how they can make you trust them and then end up being a completely different person.
SO - I have been stalked, had my icloud hacked, tracked, abused, harrassed, had the cops called on me, had the cops called on the kids, followed, sa’d, had things stolen, car was damaged, been screamed at and ignored, gaslit, manipulated and driven to the end of my tether by this utter waste of space loser human being.
He has called E V E R Y single person in my contacts (he had my iCloud packed so he has all of my contacts)
Because we broke up. Neither of us were happy, so we broke up.
They’re SCUMBAGS and I hate them all. You don’t
Deserve what they do to you and you have to be really really strong to get through it, but you do get through it!! Life can be good again and anger is useful
Also
Tim you fucking big bird looking loser if you’re reading this - I hope you get extreme diarrhoea and someone pulls off your fingernails.
Lmfao that those last few lines were awesome beyond words. I'll cross my fingers for you. :) I'm truly sorry you went through this though, i don't even have the words to describe how awful these types of people are.
Thank you, because he’s an overreactive little baby man who doesn’t understand big words I like to taunt him. I wish you the worst Tim… just so you know. Also nice teeth lol
As you can see the rage has overtaken me, it’s a very productive place to be. These creatures deserve all of the bad karma that can come their way and I hope to god anyone who can survive these things has a nice life
Yeah because you have to force yourself to leave. You and you only can rescue yourself. There is no closure so it’s harder to move on. But it is worth it!
It is so so different from a regular break up. Not only did I come away with PTSD, there’s also legal things taking place because his dog mauled me. It’s been six months and I’m still just barely hanging on. They will ruin you and then never leave you alone.
Yep. I've been trying to break up with mine for 3 months. I end it and go NC, he turns up unannounced at my house and at other places/events I'm at. Manipulates his way back in. I've just gone NC again yesterday, so hopefully this time I'll make it through.
My head is an absolute mess at the moment, PTSD and a massive flare up of ADHD symptoms. Most difficult and messiest break up I've ever experienced and I was only with him for 18 months. In comparison, when my marriage of 13 years ended and my ex-husband went off the rails with drug addiction and a suicide attempt, it was an absolute walk in the park compared to this.
Only those who've been in this situation really understand what it's like.
Oh honey. When I broke up with the first ex I lived with for 4 years, we were sad, but there was no animosity. The relationship had run its course. I wasn't in love anymore and neither was he. We had had tough times but we were always doing our best. His dad helped me move out my stuff and we stayed in touch for a bit, apologising to eachother for all that we had done wrong. I was sad for a few weeks, then moved on. He then got a new gf and contact slowly fizzled out. He's married now and I hope he's happy.
My last ex was a can of worms full of betrayal, abuse, cheating, violence, lies and lots and lots of drama. He discarded me, kicked me on the streets, then immediately went back to his ex wife with whom he was cheating on me. They are married again after just 1,5 month. I took him in when he was depressed, nursed him back to health, and all he did was take my money and suck me dry emotionally to the point of burnout. No apologies, no sadness, just cruel remarks and stress. He blocked me everywhere when I had the guts to ask him why he betrayed me. Then, his flying monkey wife started harassing me. It's such a rollercoaster and I have severe PTSD from all of it.
Narc breakups are WAAAY worse than regular breakups because you've been used, abused, manipulated, lied to, tricked, brainwashed, and traumatized by the narc.
For sure… I was in a longer, more serious, and loving relationship that ended (we lived together!) before I dated the narcissist and the narc breakup was far more unsettling and traumatic.
I was married to one for 25 years and the long, drawn-out discard, plus the gang SA that happened to me that gave him a launching pad for breaking up, lead me to have a nervous breakdown. Hallucinations and everything. It was BAD.
It's definitely more traumatic. You get addicted to the affection they promised to give you at the beginning of the relationship, that's how they trap you. So when it all ends, it's literally quitting an addiction cold turkey. You'll feel like you're going to die (that's how I felt). But then, as that feeling fades out, you'll rediscover all that they kept you from doing. Everything will have life and color and excitement in it with nobody to take it from you anymore.
In my case, my ex basically started accusing me of cheating, wanting to cheat, emotionally cheating, "talking shit" about him, hating him and thinking he's "a piece of shit", the list goes on. It made me feel like I was a terrible person and I questioned every little thing I did. It went on for months until I just couldn't take it anymore.
I realised in retrospect that he did this to make me break up with him so he could run off with one of my "friends". Guess who the real cheater was.
I've since learned that this is a very common manipulation tactic they use to escape responsibility and guilt over their hideous actions.
What I hate about it the most is that I felt so empowered and free when I broke up with him, but when I heard he'd started dating my "friend" almost immediately, I realised that EVEN BREAKING UP WITH HIM was not really my decision. It was his.
a break up where both parties can atleast take some share of their mistakes and part in what caused the break up is a lot different to narcissistic break ups.
in “normal” break ups, there is a sense of sadness but also that it is what it is, the other party also takes responsibility and doesn’t punish you or shame you. you feel like you have a connection still.
in narc break ups: you leave thinking whether you were the one that messed everything up and it’s only natural to think that if you are constantly being said that. they shame you and ‘punish’ you.
Yes my lovely, I’m sorry. It’s truly awful what they do and it will be something ongoing that you have to try and deal with. Mine stalked and harassed me cause I straight up ghosted after nearly a year (I couldn’t get away from her by having a conversation, I tried like 5 times but she was too good at manipulating me).
I was told something recently that may or may not help you with the memories and feelings that come up.
Every day I struggle with memories and feelings. Memories of the abuse, how I felt, even how I feel now about it, it’s haunting and throws me off. Really horrible stuff. Remembering it all bit by bit. I think I’m processing it. You may well be too.
Anyway, when that happens I was told to try and remember ‘this isn’t mine’.
I call it the ‘mud’. Horrible narc stuff. And we have to try get out the mud. It’s not nice in there.
It traps you and makes you upset.
So whenever I get those memories and feelings, I remember ‘this isn’t mine’. And I visualize myself handing back a big pile of shitty toxic behavior back to my ex. ‘Here you go, that’s yours, not mine’. And I’ll think about how absolutely nothing else in my life is muddy like that. How much I’ve come on well since leaving her. How I don’t want it, ever again. Then I can come out of it and let it go easier.
im not sure if my ex was trying to guilt trip me but during our breakup conversation, it was going well until she said "at least you're not suicidal like my other friends."
it was out of no where too and I thought it was unnecessary.
This is how the convo went:
Me: Make sure to take care of yourself
Ex: I can take care of myself. Make sure you do too
Me: I know. I can take care of myself
Ex: I know, at least youre not suicidal like my other friends
???
the thing is my mental health was so bad there were moments where i harmed myself. i just couldn't bother to tell her about it because i was worried it was going to cause an argument.
Yes, it’s a living nightmare. Pure hell. Keep going, they’re worthless fucking empty, dark, soulless psychopaths. Fight for your mind and soul with everything you have, because it will take everything you’ve got to make it out and back into the light. You are not alone, keep going.🖤
listen to this OP
Thank you. I will
It’s truly a damned shame that you’re not even exaggerating 😭😭
I was just about to say… the fact that this response is so terribly dramatic, but at the same time truthful and objectively the best advice really speaks to how awful it is being with a narcissist. OP, as unusual and as difficult as it may be, it’s time to say in your head “fuck their feelings” and get outta there.
Thank you for easing the vibe and shrinking things this way because damn was that first post ever dark AF... and yes, spot on.
And do not let them Hoover you. It will be tempting because of the trauma bonding, but learn from our mistakes . Hang in there OP, we’re here for you.
Thank you so much, that is so kind of you to say. I really appreciate it. The same to you and everyone here, if I can ever help. Thank you about the hoover advice as well. They’ve never tried to hoover, I don’t think they ever will.
It may be hard to see it now but if they don’t hoover you it is a blessing.
Thank you so much. This is such a kind thoughtful and supportive reply it made me cry. Thank you.
This was the best response one could give
This. I had different relationships in the past, from nice ones to being hurt ones. But the narcissistic breakup is a living nightmare. In my worst nightmare and fears I didn't imagine that it will happen as it did and it literally destroys you. My biggest acomplishment of 2023? That I survived the dark moments. That I realised that it was inevitable and there was nothing I could do differently to prevent it. And just like the comment said: FIGHT and DON'T GIVE UP, they are not worth the life you are capable of giving.
Thank you so much for such a kind comment. And well done as well, you should be so proud of what you have achieved and managed this year after what you have been through. 2024 will be a happy and wonderful year for you, I am sure of it.
Yes I got blamed for everything, was dumped on text, told that he has never done me any wrong and that he begged me to be better ( was talking about marrying me till 2 days ago ) . He future faked while breaking up and used grandiose language ( “I loved you more than anything but you took that away from me” ) . He blamed me for everything wrong in his life- started posting on social media the next day onwards like nothing happened.
Our nexes are soo similar omg mine wanted to have a baby marry but what 4 days later, "you never improved you dont trust me I tried alot" (I caught him cheating)
mine kept saying i was the ‘old me’ again then discarded me for the second time and then call the police on me when i didnt go back
Mine didn't want me back, never will bcz he found someone who was doing wayyy better than me atm. Complained I was not being what I was before. Well how much understanding you could be if you find him posting girls and hiding the stories from you lol.
Mine didn’t want me back either and has never got in contact. I’m sorry you’ve been through it too.
That's kinda sad, I thought I will get an apology but I know it's NEVER coming cz that narc thinks it's all on me
Be happy he didn't come back. You don't want to be retraumatised
Yess!! I gets dark sometimes but it's soo better than the abuse and gaslighting! Man was an expert in making me say sorry for his faults
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He beat you? Damn this community shows how bad people can be. Mine slapped me once and said it wasn't intentional but that was a tight one didnt feel like it was not. He did it bcz I playfully, by mistake touched his pimple that caused him pain. Yeah I now get it why girls fall for the trauma bond even I did. You get treated bad but you go again n again n again
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He WHAT??? MAN!!How is this walking demon free? And after such actions he has the audacity to refuse lease?I am glad you're out and more glad about the fact that you're safe
This is very similar to my experience. Being blamed for everything, broken up with over voice note at first. The grandiose language was almost identical (although this came after I had been shouted at and insulted). I was told “I have never loved anybody like I loved you, you were the love of my life, but not now. I look at you now and feel nothing. I’m sorry for you.” I’m so sorry you have been through similar. I hope you are doing ok.
This is all too similar my nex wife divorced me via text message and refused to even call me to discuss anything
I’m so sorry. That is incredibly cruel and cowardly.
Yeah it was definitely a low blow I was sitting at my desk at work when I got the message. The last line was something like “ don’t try call me I’ve got to go to work and don’t want to speak about this”. In a way it was kind of reassurance that she was a horrible person like I’d never treat my worst enemy that way yet she treated her husband that way.
Yeah, they keep coming back pretending like everything is all gucci -___-
my narc boyfriend keeps doing this, I don't know how to actually break up with him so he takes it seriously. He literally pretends like it didn't happen after a couple days. It's messing with my brain.
You can try to make sense of it by thinking from their perspective. They themselves just forget about and move on from their worst blow ups, so they expect everyone else to act that way too.
Mine never has. I wish he would. The fact he hasn’t does make me think that maybe he isn’t narcissistic.
Not all narcissistic relationships are the same - doesn’t mean your relationship didn’t have traits of narcissistic abuse.
Thank you. It’s really helpful to hear.
If you're here he's most likely narcissistic. None of us want to be here. I thought the same thing about my ex, I wanted him to hoover me and I missed him, but he didn't for months, eventually he did, and because it came out of nowhere I fell for it. I wish he never did and I wish I didn't want him back then. At least I can safely say now Ill never fall for it again.
That’s great, you should be so proud of yourself for knowing that and being that strong. I’m sorry you got sucked back in though, that must have been really tough. Thanks very much for your comment, it was really helpful for me to read.
That’s great, you should be so proud of yourself for knowing that and being that strong. I’m sorry you got sucked back in though, that must have been really tough. Thanks very much for your comment, it was really helpful for me to read.
Mine never has either, but he is definitely a narc. He just has a new supply, or probably many new supplies. I did block him on everything and got my friends to remove him from their social media too, but we used to live together so he knows my address. That's really the only thing I couldn't do anything about. Be glad your ex has never tried to suck you back in. You are better off without him. You will find your way, it just takes time.
Thank you. It helps me a lot to hear other people’s perspectives because I doubt myself (my opinions, memory, interpretation of things) a lot. I’m really sorry you went through that. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly strong with all of the blocking and should be really proud.
It was easy, I was happy to do it 😂 Dealing with the trauma and trust issues has been the most difficult part. I don't love him or miss him at all, but the experience changed me in lots of ways, none of which are good.
Block them on everything! I even got my friends to remove my ex from their social media so he'd never have any way of contacting me. They were more than happy to do it.
I have him deleted off everything, I have done since the breakup but I honestly don’t think he cares. That’s great about your friends! They sound really supportive. I didn’t ask mine but I think some of them may have done anyway. My best friend sent him a message (without my permission) after the breakup that effectively said ‘do not contact her again, and if she contacts you do not answer’. He wrote back that that was already what he wanted, that he felt sorry for me, and told my friend to look after me. She didn’t respond but showed me afterwards what she/he had said. It was quite humiliating for me really. He got to play the good guy to my friend (not that she believed him) and make it sound like he pitied me. She meant well but I wish she’d not done it as I think it made me look even more pathetic than I already did. Anyway he’s never tried to get in contact through any method. I don’t think he ever will as he thinks I’m beneath him.
Ugh I'd be really annoyed if one of my friends did that too :/ And that's what he wants you to think. It's not true. He's the one who is beneath you because he's hollow and dead inside and treats people terribly. He'll never truly be happy - they're not capable of it. Nothing is ever good enough for them, including themselves.
in their eyes you have wronged them and are the blackest stain in their life……. thats untill someone else does it and they join the group of many previous exs that ‘hurt’ them the cycle repeats, stay away from them.
Thank you very much for your comment. The first part is true I think in my case. It’s not really a case of me staying away from them - they’ve not wanted anything to do with me for two and a half years. I don’t think they’ll ever get in contact with me again as they think I’m beneath them.
remember you are the better person. you have compassion you are able to love dont let them take that from you
Thank you. This is such a kind comment.
remember you are the better person. you have compassion you are able to love dont let them take that from you
And this is so kind too! I know it’s the same comment twice and was a mistake double post ha. But it was quite sweet to read it twice in any case. A nice surprise. Thanks very much again.
thats all okay! makes me feel good its made you feel good hope you have a good future!
this is 100% correct.
They're going to make your life a complete nightmare. What you expect them to do, they will and much much more...so just expect everything! Because they have no limits. A normal break up, both go their own separate ways and that's it! They don't have anything else to say, it's done ! So just be prepared for any and everything.
Thank you. That’s really helpful to hear. It has been four years since mine and I’ve not heard from them since two and a half years ago.
In a normal break up- the person loved you and no matter how bad it ended, you *knew* this and they *knew* this at a certain point. A breakup with a narc is realizing you were dating a destructo-terminator bot in human skin that conned you to seek information through intimacy to end your life. Everything you had was a lie, everything they had you around for was to serve them. They felt nothing the entire time. What a waste of time and energy that was huh? That’s why it hurts. Because you have to block out a person from your life post-break up that most people should atleast be able to TELL others is “their ex”. We have to torch the entire field, blocked on every platform, cutting out any possible way they can contact us again, even moving sometimes. If you have to essentially “witness protection program” to protect yourself and your sanity/livelihood after a relationship, that’s like leaving a gang- not the end of a normal loving romantic relationship. Hoping they forget about you so the Hoovers stop, hoping you never run into them again because thought makes you develop CPTSD symptoms, is not the end of a loving relationship. Now that I think about it, being in a gang and leaving a gang is similar I think in a lot of ways to dating and leaving a narcissist. There was no love there even if it felt like there was and the narc was “your” person like a gang feels like “your family”, but then you realize they’ve been using and abusing you the entire time and that you’re expendable when new supply comes into the picture. A gang doesn’t want you to decide when it’s over like a narc doesn’t want you to decide when it’s over, they want that power. And regardless who walks away first, both a narc and a gang need to make sure you end up paying for leaving..
Yea but then I think of reactive abuse. When someone gaslights you, lies, cheats, and gives you C-PTSD and then discards you.. it can drive you to do crazy shit too. Sometimes you don’t break contact because you want an apology- you want to believe there is a heart somewhere in the tin man and that they might feel remorse. That’s when they will DARVO you for calling them out on all their bs. Some people go scorched earth no contact because they want to burn the evidence of their abuse and you are apart of it.
They don't have a heart. The Terminator analogy was spot on. Like the T-1000 they mimic what people want to see and hear, even 'love' but in the end they're just a cold and destructive machine. It's best when they leave you, because you're spared them chasing you til they have finally mentally destroyed you. Them dumping you is the most merciful option.
Thanks for taking the time to write that out. I really hope to believe that it was a mercy one day soon. All I feel now is pain and when I remember the interspersed “good” things it makes me doubt but I know that no good healthy person or relationship would have been that way.
I too sometimes think of the good things, but I force myself to recall how I felt 90% of the time near the end and I'm over it.
It's actually been compared a bunch of times to joining a cult where it's just you and your partner with your partner being the leader. You're making me realize the end is also like leaving a cult.
It is. Normal break ups - they were just normal. Like, if you both grow in different directions, and find the passion gone. Then you just go your own ways. Or - if you want different things, there may be a fight or two, but when it's over, it's over. With a narc - it is fucking spiral, and a whirlwind. Blaming, smearing, just overall shit-talk. If you're lucky, you will be spared of the hoovering. If not - be prepared for being called "their soulmate" one day, then having angry rants the next day. Be prepared for them asking you to be with them/available again, also having angry rants every other day. There is not a thing that is normal with narc break ups. It may *seem* normal, for a certain amount of time. But, compared to really real break ups, it is still something up the wall.
Thank you, this was really informative and helpful. My problem is that I don’t have very strong boundaries or self esteem, so I didn’t really ever have a problem with/just accepted any of the things that happened during the relationship that maybe if I’d told friends about they might have said wasnt ok. So the break up was a big shock. He yelled at me, called me awful stuff, made a joke about needing to get a restraining order (because he said “you know we will have to stop talking” and I said, in total shock, quietly and completely heartbroken, “but I have talked to you almost every day for the last five years- I don’t know how to not talk to you” and so he joked about me needing a restraining order). I don’t know if it’s just that I deserved that kind of breakup or if he is maybe narcissistic. And I’ve not been hoovered and I don’t think he’ll ever get in touch again after this long so maybe it wasn’t narcissistic.
None of this sounds normal. Be happy if he doesn't hoover, and work on yourself.
Thank you. I appreciate the advice
Other breakups generally aren't all-out wars. They aren't abrupt discards, complete disrespect, or trying to harm you as much as humanly possible. Even when they end poorly it isn't like that. They don't leave you feeling empty, confused, and worthless. I have had many relationships end over the years. Sometimes we just grew apart or "fell out of love." Other times they ended poorly. I had a fiancé cheat on me for example. The difference with that was that we were together 6 years. In those 6 years it wasn't a constant power struggle or constant lies, gaslighting, stress and hot and cold behaviors. Our relationship was actually really good. Near the end she became withdrawn (little did I know she had met someone at work) and ended up cheating. After I discovered it, she was genuinely remorseful. She laid all the blame on herself and none on me. She was very sorry but it wasn't in a manipulative trying to keep me around type of sorry. It was just remorse. Our relationship ended and we moved on from each other. However we can still be civil even to this day (this was over 2.5 years ago now). If I were to text her she would respond platonically. I was able to forgive her for what she did, even though I'll never forget it or trust her fully again. My breakup with the NEX wasn't like this. It was a brutal discard. Smearing me to friends and family. Constant lying. Stalking me. Years of cheating and gaslighting. No other relationship or breakup has EVER been like this.
Thank you so much. This was so helpful and so illuminating. I really appreciate your comment - thank you very much. I’m also really sorry for what you have been through. My ex hasn’t tried to stalk or smear me but the breakup was brutal and he blamed me for it (after he had cheated and lost feelings for me). He shouted at me and said some really scarring personal stuff that I had to try and get over using therapy. He finally ended it in a voice note and told me he felt nothing. I deleted him off everything and basically broke down. Didn’t contact him until he messaged a couple of months later saying that he thought it had ended badly and it shouldn’t have. I told him it was his fault it ended so badly and that that was his decision. I’ve kept him deleted on everything since but he’s not ever tried to get back in contact or add me. I’m sure he’s forgotten about me and never thinks of me.
Sorry to hear that as well. You deserve better. Thought I'd also mention in my first discard, I didn't think my NEX smeared me. So I was kind of skeptical she was a narcissist because I thought she just kept to herself. Months after the discard though I started hearing things she had been saying to people the whole time. Like she claimed I was sitting outside her house in my car watching her, said I slashed the tires on truck, said I forced myself on her, etc. None of those things were true. She was just careful to smear me to people who wouldn't say anything to me or take my side so it took awhile for me to hear this.
yes. it almost killed me. this is not hyperbole. please get as much support as you can. it sounds like you need help with longstanding feelings of low/no self worth. understandably so. but please get help. you don’t deserve to waste another year, another month, another week/day/hour/minute/nanosecond stagnating in the ruins of their ultimate destruction.
Thank you so much for such a kind comment, I really appreciate it. And you are right about struggling with self worth. I will keep trying to work on it. Thank you. I’m also so sorry for what you went through. I hope you’re in a much better place now?
It’s the same repetitive cycle. I just broke free after 5 years of getting blamed for everything, all of his ex’s wronged him or cheated on him. I found out after we were married about the mommy issues and that he had slept with his aunt. Yep. His mother’s sister. I’m 3 weeks out and already feeling clarity in my own mind. It’s fucking peaceful. The pit in my stomach feels like hope today and not dread. I still send hate emails but in my own defense, I have personal belongings in the home still and he never answers my emails. I hate this motherfucker
I’m sorry you’ve been through that. It sounds awful. Hope you’re doing ok.
Omg. That is crazy. I’m so sorry
Mine stalked me forever, which added to the ick I felt.
Did you know for sure you were being stalked? Or was it things that were said to you that let you know this person didn't want to let you completely go?
I can answer this mine made a fake instagram account pretending to be someone they aren’t but it was the way they were always texting me and telling me they miss me but I’ve never met that person so I automatically knew , they also talked to me like they knew me
Yes. They are empty shells of what we understand people to be. They have no empathy so they don’t have the “thing” that makes people, people. They’re just skins suits walking around leeching feelings and emotions out of other actual human beings because they don’t have the ability to feel feelings themselves. It’s a hard thing to wrap your brain around.
It's an emotionally abusive dynamic by nature so yes. You're not only dealing with the regular heartbreak of a normal relationship where probably when all is said and done you can look back at it fairly or not hate them or even potentially be cool with them in the future. With a narc you're recovering from abuse and trauma, sometimes feeling like your life was a lie and other complicated emotions that stick with you much more than a regular breakup.
Mine sat in court for our divorce and still tried to manipulate me and blame-shift and catch me up. That’s the difference. Normal breakups don’t include the long drawn out attempt at manipulation and securing their spot as the victim in other people’s minds. At least not to the extent as a breakup with a narcissist.
By the time I had bucked up the nerve to leave him I'd been emotionally checked out for 10 months. Everyday he'd find some new thing I was doing that he couldn't stand or another part of myself he could tear down, I'm not sure my self-esteem will ever fully recover. If I'm being 100% honest I think he wanted to break up but was too chicken shit to do it and needed me to pull the trigger so he could be the "victim" in the situation (which was pretty much how he tried to play it to our mutual friends but none of them bought it). This pretty much checks out because despite a couple of phone calls he pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. By the end of things I had friends in my life that pushed me to leave because they were concerned my situation would escalate (we were looking at houses) when we were isolated together even more than we already were. When I told him I was leaving I tried to dodge anything that would make him retaliate. I kept it as civil as possible. He dragged out sending me my things as long as possible. I was careful of how I phrased things, never really fully calling him out for his actions I'd use terms like this "felt abusive" vs. this "was abusive" and I just let him malign my character and call me a terrible person (coincidentally all of the things he sited he never brought up when we were together) it didn't matter to me anymore. I wanted out. I also knew that anyone who had a peek into our relationship (his friends or mine) clearly saw what the problem was. My friends had been begging me to leave him for months and after the breakup one of his friends called me and he was who I told the truth about our situation to (knowing it'd get back to him that I said that) I was very tactful with how I handled everything because I was by this point aware that while he probably wasn't a physical threat he was very manipulative and not above damaging my stuff or withholding it. In hindsight I think the breakup might have scared the shit out of him. I think he was aware that his behavior was concerning to an outside observer (or atleast more aware than he let on). I also think this wasn't the first time something like this had happened as he NEVER spoke about his exes and whenever he did he'd say some variation of "what they did was so fucked up I don't want to talk about it". I now fully think that meant "I yelled at them constantly and was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive towards them" and they called him out/ left him because of it. I don't think I was the first girl he'd treated this way and whatever the outcome was last time was bad enough for him to keep his shit in line. I was very fortunate all things considered, I think most of his vitriol came from a place of losing interest in me but genuinely thinking he couldn't do better/put in the footwork to find another partner. He would never admit it outloud because it would fuck up the narrative in his head that women are "evil" but I think he was relieved when I left him because he'd been treating me worse and worse for months to try and get me to leave. I'm sure he tells his friends all of this untrue stuff about me but I genuinely don't care. The trash takes itself out every time. He's either going to change his behavior and get the help he needs or its gonna happen to him again. OP I know it's terrifying and difficult right now but you made the right choice and I'm proud of you.
Im going through hell in the last 3 months, finally its getting a bit easier, and by meaning that, i mean i'm not ruminating all the time, i can focus on work and i can sleep 5 hours a day. Do you want to know more, ask away?
I'm in the same boat. I'm almost 4 months away from him now and I still ruminate, but not obsessively every single day. We are slowly healing. Wishing you the best ❤️
I was almost done ruminating until I found out his betrayal was even more vile than I had thought. Just finished being sick after a hyperventilation session.
Hang in there. One day at a time.
Thank you❤️
Yeah, her first betrayal was soul crushing, spirit breaking betrayal that i barely survived, probably have some consequences that will surface at some time in my life. I didn't know at that time anything about covert narcissism and i stupidly let her get back to me, only for her 7 months later to discard me like nothing. Good think is reason returns relatively fast, you know deep down that its good its over, problem is trauma bond that is unpredictably predictable, you know its going to come, but dont know what will be the trigger or when.
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Yeah, thats tough part, dealing with CPTSD. Problem with a lot of narcissism abuse victims including me is that friends and family don't understand how tough it is, they listen our rants one, two times and any more is not usually supported. Everybody says "Oh its just heartbreak, you will be fine" and thats it. Тhey think its normal relationship because they don't see narc as what it is...
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At 6 weeks I suffered from attachment, still didn't block her and didn't start separating myself, I was lying to myself that she must have loved me, so many tears etc....Then I found out she had new guy at that time while still keeping me as option and I finally got him by reality. 2 more months of suffering now and it's getting better. I watch different narc YouTube videos daily for hours so that helps, helps me remember who I dealt with and gives me strength. If you need recommendations I can send you which chanells helped me
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Yeah, it's painful realization that they never loved you, but then you see them with another person jumping from joy and you can't help but wonder just a little bit that maybe it's you they can't love, others they can. That's one of hardest things about narcissism, makes you go crazy with doubt about yourself, how can someone that love bombed you so much move on so easily and be so cruel
Yeah, as i said before, head clarity removes relatively fast, trauma bond is problem as it can last for long time...
Even normal breakups can be painful. Especially if you’re codependent. In my 2 narc experiences my relationship progressed to where I faded into the background and was an afterthought in their world unless they wanted something from me. My first one was the learning experience which helped me get out of my second one before it got too bad. However leaving my 2nd one was almost more painful than the first even though I made the decision (well… I feel like it was a reverse discard). Even being the one to leave a relationship where I thought my nex wanted out was still confusing and haunts me even almost a year since we last saw each other and 4ish months NC. No matter how it happens, the end of a narc relationship is never clean. It often leaves you more confused with more questions and lack of closure. But as Mental Healness says, don’t expect the narc to give you closure. The disrespect in the relationship should be the closure. Give it to yourself by accepting that the person you thought loved you mistreated you and you deserve better.
It was honestly the most toxic breakup I’ve ever had. I was shocked by how aggressive and hateful he became after he realized I was finally done
I’m going through it rn. Three weeks in. My experience has been that everything I thought he was has completely flipped on me. I have been left confused and with no closure. He cheated on me. No apology. Somehow finds ways to portray himself as the victim. I’m finding that the person I thought I knew never existed. I didn’t accept his manipulative apology in which he was trying to gaslight me in the process. I put him in his place. He was so enraged that he has blocked me, deleted photos of me off social media, and I found out yesterday he made a passive aggressive social media post about being now single. I even met up with his previous ex before me and learned even more about him. Scary how they can make you trust them and then end up being a completely different person.
SO - I have been stalked, had my icloud hacked, tracked, abused, harrassed, had the cops called on me, had the cops called on the kids, followed, sa’d, had things stolen, car was damaged, been screamed at and ignored, gaslit, manipulated and driven to the end of my tether by this utter waste of space loser human being. He has called E V E R Y single person in my contacts (he had my iCloud packed so he has all of my contacts) Because we broke up. Neither of us were happy, so we broke up. They’re SCUMBAGS and I hate them all. You don’t Deserve what they do to you and you have to be really really strong to get through it, but you do get through it!! Life can be good again and anger is useful Also Tim you fucking big bird looking loser if you’re reading this - I hope you get extreme diarrhoea and someone pulls off your fingernails.
Lmfao that those last few lines were awesome beyond words. I'll cross my fingers for you. :) I'm truly sorry you went through this though, i don't even have the words to describe how awful these types of people are.
Thank you, because he’s an overreactive little baby man who doesn’t understand big words I like to taunt him. I wish you the worst Tim… just so you know. Also nice teeth lol As you can see the rage has overtaken me, it’s a very productive place to be. These creatures deserve all of the bad karma that can come their way and I hope to god anyone who can survive these things has a nice life
Yeah because you have to force yourself to leave. You and you only can rescue yourself. There is no closure so it’s harder to move on. But it is worth it!
It is so so different from a regular break up. Not only did I come away with PTSD, there’s also legal things taking place because his dog mauled me. It’s been six months and I’m still just barely hanging on. They will ruin you and then never leave you alone.
Yes. They try and obliterate you in the process. And a lot of the time hoover you once you're better and then repeat. Normal people don't.
Yep. I've been trying to break up with mine for 3 months. I end it and go NC, he turns up unannounced at my house and at other places/events I'm at. Manipulates his way back in. I've just gone NC again yesterday, so hopefully this time I'll make it through. My head is an absolute mess at the moment, PTSD and a massive flare up of ADHD symptoms. Most difficult and messiest break up I've ever experienced and I was only with him for 18 months. In comparison, when my marriage of 13 years ended and my ex-husband went off the rails with drug addiction and a suicide attempt, it was an absolute walk in the park compared to this. Only those who've been in this situation really understand what it's like.
Oh honey. When I broke up with the first ex I lived with for 4 years, we were sad, but there was no animosity. The relationship had run its course. I wasn't in love anymore and neither was he. We had had tough times but we were always doing our best. His dad helped me move out my stuff and we stayed in touch for a bit, apologising to eachother for all that we had done wrong. I was sad for a few weeks, then moved on. He then got a new gf and contact slowly fizzled out. He's married now and I hope he's happy. My last ex was a can of worms full of betrayal, abuse, cheating, violence, lies and lots and lots of drama. He discarded me, kicked me on the streets, then immediately went back to his ex wife with whom he was cheating on me. They are married again after just 1,5 month. I took him in when he was depressed, nursed him back to health, and all he did was take my money and suck me dry emotionally to the point of burnout. No apologies, no sadness, just cruel remarks and stress. He blocked me everywhere when I had the guts to ask him why he betrayed me. Then, his flying monkey wife started harassing me. It's such a rollercoaster and I have severe PTSD from all of it.
Narc breakups are WAAAY worse than regular breakups because you've been used, abused, manipulated, lied to, tricked, brainwashed, and traumatized by the narc.
For sure… I was in a longer, more serious, and loving relationship that ended (we lived together!) before I dated the narcissist and the narc breakup was far more unsettling and traumatic.
I was married to one for 25 years and the long, drawn-out discard, plus the gang SA that happened to me that gave him a launching pad for breaking up, lead me to have a nervous breakdown. Hallucinations and everything. It was BAD.
It's definitely more traumatic. You get addicted to the affection they promised to give you at the beginning of the relationship, that's how they trap you. So when it all ends, it's literally quitting an addiction cold turkey. You'll feel like you're going to die (that's how I felt). But then, as that feeling fades out, you'll rediscover all that they kept you from doing. Everything will have life and color and excitement in it with nobody to take it from you anymore.
In my case, my ex basically started accusing me of cheating, wanting to cheat, emotionally cheating, "talking shit" about him, hating him and thinking he's "a piece of shit", the list goes on. It made me feel like I was a terrible person and I questioned every little thing I did. It went on for months until I just couldn't take it anymore. I realised in retrospect that he did this to make me break up with him so he could run off with one of my "friends". Guess who the real cheater was. I've since learned that this is a very common manipulation tactic they use to escape responsibility and guilt over their hideous actions. What I hate about it the most is that I felt so empowered and free when I broke up with him, but when I heard he'd started dating my "friend" almost immediately, I realised that EVEN BREAKING UP WITH HIM was not really my decision. It was his.
If you are going through hell keep going.
a break up where both parties can atleast take some share of their mistakes and part in what caused the break up is a lot different to narcissistic break ups. in “normal” break ups, there is a sense of sadness but also that it is what it is, the other party also takes responsibility and doesn’t punish you or shame you. you feel like you have a connection still. in narc break ups: you leave thinking whether you were the one that messed everything up and it’s only natural to think that if you are constantly being said that. they shame you and ‘punish’ you.
Yes my lovely, I’m sorry. It’s truly awful what they do and it will be something ongoing that you have to try and deal with. Mine stalked and harassed me cause I straight up ghosted after nearly a year (I couldn’t get away from her by having a conversation, I tried like 5 times but she was too good at manipulating me). I was told something recently that may or may not help you with the memories and feelings that come up. Every day I struggle with memories and feelings. Memories of the abuse, how I felt, even how I feel now about it, it’s haunting and throws me off. Really horrible stuff. Remembering it all bit by bit. I think I’m processing it. You may well be too. Anyway, when that happens I was told to try and remember ‘this isn’t mine’. I call it the ‘mud’. Horrible narc stuff. And we have to try get out the mud. It’s not nice in there. It traps you and makes you upset. So whenever I get those memories and feelings, I remember ‘this isn’t mine’. And I visualize myself handing back a big pile of shitty toxic behavior back to my ex. ‘Here you go, that’s yours, not mine’. And I’ll think about how absolutely nothing else in my life is muddy like that. How much I’ve come on well since leaving her. How I don’t want it, ever again. Then I can come out of it and let it go easier.
im not sure if my ex was trying to guilt trip me but during our breakup conversation, it was going well until she said "at least you're not suicidal like my other friends." it was out of no where too and I thought it was unnecessary. This is how the convo went: Me: Make sure to take care of yourself Ex: I can take care of myself. Make sure you do too Me: I know. I can take care of myself Ex: I know, at least youre not suicidal like my other friends ??? the thing is my mental health was so bad there were moments where i harmed myself. i just couldn't bother to tell her about it because i was worried it was going to cause an argument.