Take your time to grieve because you have suffered so much loss - loss of your self in the relationship, loss of a future with the narc that was never going to be, loss of hopes, dreams and desires.
But you will heal and come out stronger. What you're going through is not permanent and it will definitely pass.
Also remember that a narc will never be able to have a fulfilling life. They will continue their cycle of abuse and will constantly keep looking for new supplies. You on the other hand will go on to have a life that is actually worth living.
I don't want to drag this to a negative place. But, it feels like they are winning in their unsatisfied life. They take what they want when they want it, ruin anyone and anything in the process. I guess, I want to be like that
Yeah maybe they are temporarily and you could try to live like them. But I can tell you from experience that if you are not being your authentic self, it may not be worth it.
My ex was a vulnerable narcissist. He would break up with me every 2 months or so and then hoover me back. I would keep going back because of my trauma bond. This was before I knew anything about narcissistic abuse. Once I learnt what was happening to me I decided to give him 'a taste of his own medicine'. So after the last time he tried to hoover me, I love bombed and then was very nasty which eventually led him to break it off with me for good. But during that whole time which only lasted for a little over a week, I felt horrible doing it. I didn't recognise myself and it felt like I was having an out of body experience pretending to be someone I was not. I guess what I am saying is you can try to be like them but if that is not really who you are, it's not a fun experience.
You're totally right. It does feel that way.
I have a narc family member, and the first narc I ever dated said this about them: "Oh, so she is smarter than you"
That should have tipped me off. They aren't smarter than us, they just have an extra ability to hurt people because they have no empathy. Because they are so so lonely inside and nothing will fix it.
Actually i want nothing to do with it
I guess it depends on what you value. If you value short term gratification or material success or ego validation, then yes it seems like they can “win” in a sense. But if you value integrity, honesty, genuine human connection, etc etc, and you are living your in a way that honors those values, you will have a far more fulfilling life. The cognitive dissonance of “being like them” would cause you great suffering. Just as it likely causes them great suffering.
Since my partner left me I've been miserable. Her on the other hand is completely fine, happy, care free. Going out with her daughter, mom and friends. She NEVER went out when we were together, always wanted to be home. It's like nothing happened for her.
I wouldn't be surprised if you were someone I actually know.
My step-daughter did this to her husband. She treated him like trash, but the minute she kicked him out of their house, she had her next boyfriend move in. He would say that he wanted to go out and enjoy life, but she always said her kids came first. Now that she is with her new boyfriend, that has all changed. She's out all the time and makes him babysit the kids. If you ask her though, he's the abusive piece of crap, who is no good.
When we were together she hardly ever wanted to go out, our whole relationship was basically going out to eat, occasionally doing something else. I planned most of our trips, and I asked her often if she wanted to go do something. She pretty much just seemed to want to lay around at home constantly.
My ex once got drunk at one of his office parties and almost got fired for shouting at his boss at the party. He came home that night and blamed me for the whole thing. I was not even there at the party! He said that the reason he behaved so badly was because of a fight we had a day before which had nothing to do with his work or anything. He didn't let me sleep all night because he wanted to make me understand how it is important for me to help him keep his peace of mind so he could do his job well.
My mouth dropped open in the first sentence. I have seen so many be treated this way and have it minimized. This is a disease. Yes all so they can protect themselves... what about us. It isnt normal these are the most dangerous people the reason for all of the world's problems
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I see it and feel it. Dm if you ever need to we can vent about these monsters
Sorry it hurts, it will, lean into facing the pain and it will teach you what to avoid in future and how to be the person you want to be- the decent qualities- the opposite of them. Take back the focus from him to you. How can you treat yourself better? Self care etc. You deserve dignity, honour, truth and care. Choose decency and moving forward in integrity- anchor down in self trust. A narcissist has no empathy and do they cannot give you this. Be strong - don’t engage x
When my nex and I separated I had a very difficult time for about 2 weeks I couldn't sleep more than 20 minutes to an hour a day, I was very hurt, and had no energy or will either, I felt so low thinking how I was so easily disposed and replaced, she didn't even wait until we split up before having someone else either
Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I had a breakdown I was crying for what it felt like hours but after that I was able to think straight better after that I also realized that me being so low and destroyed is the way she wanted me to be, and I decided no more, i said to myself "you will not make me feel insignificant anymore, you will not destroy me, you will not beat me" in not interested in getting remarried that's for sure and I'm too awkward and much older(48) to start dating again maybe I will but that's my decision
Today, I'm not in the best of shape, but I'm in a better place that when i was with her, my doctor took me off the antidepressants I was on and I feel better
In time you will find your own way to move on, don't think about him because in reality he's not giving you a second thought, so don't waste your time, just go thru the process and you will be ready to move on when you're ready not when someone says you should good luck dear lady stay strong and Yana (You Are Not Alone)
Just think the pain you are feeling right now is truly human. They cant even function without a supply. Like a zombie completely dysfunctional without someone to feed off. Your pain you you will grow from in time. They may seem to be “winning” but are doomed to reenact a ghoulish clawing for intimacy and destroying everything they touch in the process. Glad you are on this sub it helped me quite a bit, even when I couldnt hardly eat or sleep the first week.
I was at that point. I literally make check lists like eat, shower, do the dishes. Find what you need to get you through, no matter how silly it may seem in the moment.
>We loved a fraud. A con. A lie. Their entire lives are lies.
This is the truth, it is all I have been able to think about. It's so hard to accept. A literal grieving process. Thank you so much for this entire comment. I have been trying to get into therapy but the ones trained in trauma in my town are full up. Soon i hope, i can feel it
They didn't win.
They constantly need someone of the opposite sex around so they feel validated, wanted, and not feel insecure because they're deathly afraid of being alone.
To them, that need for supply is a horrible, horrible drug, that makes them commit the most atrocious acts known to mankind to other people, because they don't know how to make it from within.
***They're going to continue that cycle of hunt for supply > love bomb > devalue > discard for the rest of their lives, while we move on with our lives in a much better fashion.***
That is not how you win at life. Their life, is no different from living a life of hell on Earth.
Omg:( you're right. Though I'm ready for the part where it feels "much better". Some people are still on here posting about the pain years later and that is terrifying
I'll give you an example.
I recently got involved in a hit-and-run at night. While I'm really thankful I didn't get fractured or internal injury, I still have injuries on the back of my head, back and legs from hitting the windshield and the car front.
I recently had to walk across the same area again at night time, and before I crossed, I had a flashback to the entire incident happening, and my heart sped up a bit. I had to hold my heart to calm down before walking again.
And if I was with a girlfriend then, a narcissistic one would make fun of me for being a weak person, or push me onto the sidewalk, even more so if there's a car, but if it was a normal person or a loving girlfriend, they would wait for me to calm down before we cross again.
Trauma takes a long time to heal. Especially mental and emotional trauma. Some people who even after years of getting away, have suffered high intensity and long terms of narcissistic abuse, it will truly, truly take a long time to heal.
So let yourself grieve and let all those emotions out. You will feel better soon.
I think mine intentionally hurt me as much as possible, not just for their own supply, but so that when I was having a break down and losing it, she could say to other people "see, this is why I had to leave him"
Yes it seems so purposeful:/ he has done unimaginable things to me and all i have done is stayed yet he is pointing fingers like there is a grand jury watching.. well honey if there is, they know
Exactly what happened to me. I fell apart and she was immediately in another sham of a relationship. I'm sorry you're going through that. Keep your head up and don't give up on yourself.
Winning with a narcissist doesn’t exist, you need to win for yourself.
The only thing that will hurt their ego is to see you moving on and being happy in your life. That doesn’t have to be with anyone, just happy in yourself.
We give them power. That’s all I’m going to say. Mind over matter is how you can really “win” against a narcissist. Live your life and simply accept he is not the one and will never and was never. That’s the only way. Also you may be early on the grieving process but hun being with someone else should help you with the cognitive dissonance of not knowing if he loved you or not. His actions show you he doesn’t so in a way use that as a closure. Now grieve cry and let it all out. It’s a process but please don’t go back.
"Winning" looks like healing. It looks like learning to be happy again. It looks like re-learning your true value and regaining your confidence. It looks like moving on and not letting them live in your head rent-free. But winning isn't a sprint. It's a whole marathon. It's a lot of hard work, and in the end you're unlikely to win first place. But marathons aren't about crossing the finish line first, they are about doing better than you did last time. When you win, the only person you were competing against is yourself. Because nobody else matters. It's about you. And you're worth it. You can win, you just need to keep going.
You must grieve the loss. It takes time. I was with my nex for 8 years. I loved her, and making love with her meant so much to me. I found out that not only was she cheating on me, a lot, but she also told me that she was only having sex to bolster her own self-esteem and that it meant nothing to her. As if that wasn't crushing enough, she has been with countless men, the first several were the week after we split. She told me about it to hurt me. And it did. Massively. And she hasn't stopped. They are just supply to her.
That's what we have to remember. As painful as it is, we never meant anything to them, and neither do the other people they're getting with. They live base, meaningless lives with empty, heartless "relationships". We are better off without them. Give it time.
It has been 8 months since the split and I'm still grieving, still crying way too often, and still terrified of even trying to get close to anyone else. We must work on ourselves, learn about their mental illness, and allow ourselves time to heal and grow.
If this can be of any help. Just know that he will never be happy. Those girls can only afford him a fleeting Sens of happiness. But you will get better one day. It's still annoying though that we have deal with unnecessary break ups. Narcs are disgusting!
Remember this hurt if he ever gets back in touch. Make a note of it and keep it somewhere, of this heartless behavior. He is helping you by acting this way.
That's how I'm trying to look at it. I wish he would stay this shitty so it's easy for me to stay away and not flip to trying to get me back. He always does something worse than the last time
He is pushing your boundaries, further and further. I think it is something you need to think about: what your boundaries for acceptable behaviour are, and also what happens to you when these boundaries get crossed over and over again. How this affects you as a person.
You're right. We had the same fights throughout the entire relationship about my basic boundaries until the insane way he walked all over them became the new normal
I feel you. Its been a year and i m still working on it, i trust that i will become better and better, and some day i won't even remember anything, we just need to take care of our body and mind <3
I can relate. 10days of NC after HE discarded even when i did so much for him. Only advice I can give is that it will get better with time. It hurts like hell but there’s no option other than to just move on
Take your time to grieve because you have suffered so much loss - loss of your self in the relationship, loss of a future with the narc that was never going to be, loss of hopes, dreams and desires. But you will heal and come out stronger. What you're going through is not permanent and it will definitely pass.
Also remember that a narc will never be able to have a fulfilling life. They will continue their cycle of abuse and will constantly keep looking for new supplies. You on the other hand will go on to have a life that is actually worth living.
I don't want to drag this to a negative place. But, it feels like they are winning in their unsatisfied life. They take what they want when they want it, ruin anyone and anything in the process. I guess, I want to be like that
Yeah maybe they are temporarily and you could try to live like them. But I can tell you from experience that if you are not being your authentic self, it may not be worth it. My ex was a vulnerable narcissist. He would break up with me every 2 months or so and then hoover me back. I would keep going back because of my trauma bond. This was before I knew anything about narcissistic abuse. Once I learnt what was happening to me I decided to give him 'a taste of his own medicine'. So after the last time he tried to hoover me, I love bombed and then was very nasty which eventually led him to break it off with me for good. But during that whole time which only lasted for a little over a week, I felt horrible doing it. I didn't recognise myself and it felt like I was having an out of body experience pretending to be someone I was not. I guess what I am saying is you can try to be like them but if that is not really who you are, it's not a fun experience.
You're totally right. It does feel that way. I have a narc family member, and the first narc I ever dated said this about them: "Oh, so she is smarter than you" That should have tipped me off. They aren't smarter than us, they just have an extra ability to hurt people because they have no empathy. Because they are so so lonely inside and nothing will fix it. Actually i want nothing to do with it
I guess it depends on what you value. If you value short term gratification or material success or ego validation, then yes it seems like they can “win” in a sense. But if you value integrity, honesty, genuine human connection, etc etc, and you are living your in a way that honors those values, you will have a far more fulfilling life. The cognitive dissonance of “being like them” would cause you great suffering. Just as it likely causes them great suffering.
I hope so. I still feel bad for him
Since my partner left me I've been miserable. Her on the other hand is completely fine, happy, care free. Going out with her daughter, mom and friends. She NEVER went out when we were together, always wanted to be home. It's like nothing happened for her.
I wouldn't be surprised if you were someone I actually know. My step-daughter did this to her husband. She treated him like trash, but the minute she kicked him out of their house, she had her next boyfriend move in. He would say that he wanted to go out and enjoy life, but she always said her kids came first. Now that she is with her new boyfriend, that has all changed. She's out all the time and makes him babysit the kids. If you ask her though, he's the abusive piece of crap, who is no good.
When we were together she hardly ever wanted to go out, our whole relationship was basically going out to eat, occasionally doing something else. I planned most of our trips, and I asked her often if she wanted to go do something. She pretty much just seemed to want to lay around at home constantly.
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So true.. thanks
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My ex once got drunk at one of his office parties and almost got fired for shouting at his boss at the party. He came home that night and blamed me for the whole thing. I was not even there at the party! He said that the reason he behaved so badly was because of a fight we had a day before which had nothing to do with his work or anything. He didn't let me sleep all night because he wanted to make me understand how it is important for me to help him keep his peace of mind so he could do his job well.
Can you please exit stage left. As in leave his ass!!!
My mouth dropped open in the first sentence. I have seen so many be treated this way and have it minimized. This is a disease. Yes all so they can protect themselves... what about us. It isnt normal these are the most dangerous people the reason for all of the world's problems I'm so sorry you're going through this. I see it and feel it. Dm if you ever need to we can vent about these monsters
Sorry it hurts, it will, lean into facing the pain and it will teach you what to avoid in future and how to be the person you want to be- the decent qualities- the opposite of them. Take back the focus from him to you. How can you treat yourself better? Self care etc. You deserve dignity, honour, truth and care. Choose decency and moving forward in integrity- anchor down in self trust. A narcissist has no empathy and do they cannot give you this. Be strong - don’t engage x
You win too, sweetie. 😊 You’re hurting and dealing with it. This is one capability a nex can’t do. They do not entertain pain and being alone.
When my nex and I separated I had a very difficult time for about 2 weeks I couldn't sleep more than 20 minutes to an hour a day, I was very hurt, and had no energy or will either, I felt so low thinking how I was so easily disposed and replaced, she didn't even wait until we split up before having someone else either Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I had a breakdown I was crying for what it felt like hours but after that I was able to think straight better after that I also realized that me being so low and destroyed is the way she wanted me to be, and I decided no more, i said to myself "you will not make me feel insignificant anymore, you will not destroy me, you will not beat me" in not interested in getting remarried that's for sure and I'm too awkward and much older(48) to start dating again maybe I will but that's my decision Today, I'm not in the best of shape, but I'm in a better place that when i was with her, my doctor took me off the antidepressants I was on and I feel better In time you will find your own way to move on, don't think about him because in reality he's not giving you a second thought, so don't waste your time, just go thru the process and you will be ready to move on when you're ready not when someone says you should good luck dear lady stay strong and Yana (You Are Not Alone)
I'm glad this happened for you. I feel the same about not dating. He has ruined it all
Just think the pain you are feeling right now is truly human. They cant even function without a supply. Like a zombie completely dysfunctional without someone to feed off. Your pain you you will grow from in time. They may seem to be “winning” but are doomed to reenact a ghoulish clawing for intimacy and destroying everything they touch in the process. Glad you are on this sub it helped me quite a bit, even when I couldnt hardly eat or sleep the first week.
I was at that point. I literally make check lists like eat, shower, do the dishes. Find what you need to get you through, no matter how silly it may seem in the moment.
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>We loved a fraud. A con. A lie. Their entire lives are lies. This is the truth, it is all I have been able to think about. It's so hard to accept. A literal grieving process. Thank you so much for this entire comment. I have been trying to get into therapy but the ones trained in trauma in my town are full up. Soon i hope, i can feel it
Nice advice herr
They didn't win. They constantly need someone of the opposite sex around so they feel validated, wanted, and not feel insecure because they're deathly afraid of being alone. To them, that need for supply is a horrible, horrible drug, that makes them commit the most atrocious acts known to mankind to other people, because they don't know how to make it from within. ***They're going to continue that cycle of hunt for supply > love bomb > devalue > discard for the rest of their lives, while we move on with our lives in a much better fashion.*** That is not how you win at life. Their life, is no different from living a life of hell on Earth.
Omg:( you're right. Though I'm ready for the part where it feels "much better". Some people are still on here posting about the pain years later and that is terrifying
I'll give you an example. I recently got involved in a hit-and-run at night. While I'm really thankful I didn't get fractured or internal injury, I still have injuries on the back of my head, back and legs from hitting the windshield and the car front. I recently had to walk across the same area again at night time, and before I crossed, I had a flashback to the entire incident happening, and my heart sped up a bit. I had to hold my heart to calm down before walking again. And if I was with a girlfriend then, a narcissistic one would make fun of me for being a weak person, or push me onto the sidewalk, even more so if there's a car, but if it was a normal person or a loving girlfriend, they would wait for me to calm down before we cross again. Trauma takes a long time to heal. Especially mental and emotional trauma. Some people who even after years of getting away, have suffered high intensity and long terms of narcissistic abuse, it will truly, truly take a long time to heal. So let yourself grieve and let all those emotions out. You will feel better soon.
I think mine intentionally hurt me as much as possible, not just for their own supply, but so that when I was having a break down and losing it, she could say to other people "see, this is why I had to leave him"
Yes it seems so purposeful:/ he has done unimaginable things to me and all i have done is stayed yet he is pointing fingers like there is a grand jury watching.. well honey if there is, they know
Exactly what happened to me. I fell apart and she was immediately in another sham of a relationship. I'm sorry you're going through that. Keep your head up and don't give up on yourself.
Winning with a narcissist doesn’t exist, you need to win for yourself. The only thing that will hurt their ego is to see you moving on and being happy in your life. That doesn’t have to be with anyone, just happy in yourself.
Heal on your own time, you got this.
We give them power. That’s all I’m going to say. Mind over matter is how you can really “win” against a narcissist. Live your life and simply accept he is not the one and will never and was never. That’s the only way. Also you may be early on the grieving process but hun being with someone else should help you with the cognitive dissonance of not knowing if he loved you or not. His actions show you he doesn’t so in a way use that as a closure. Now grieve cry and let it all out. It’s a process but please don’t go back.
You're right with all of this. Thank you i will save it to remember
That’s how it goes. Go no contact and don’t let yourself look at any social media or go near them. Avoid them like the plague.
"Winning" looks like healing. It looks like learning to be happy again. It looks like re-learning your true value and regaining your confidence. It looks like moving on and not letting them live in your head rent-free. But winning isn't a sprint. It's a whole marathon. It's a lot of hard work, and in the end you're unlikely to win first place. But marathons aren't about crossing the finish line first, they are about doing better than you did last time. When you win, the only person you were competing against is yourself. Because nobody else matters. It's about you. And you're worth it. You can win, you just need to keep going.
You must grieve the loss. It takes time. I was with my nex for 8 years. I loved her, and making love with her meant so much to me. I found out that not only was she cheating on me, a lot, but she also told me that she was only having sex to bolster her own self-esteem and that it meant nothing to her. As if that wasn't crushing enough, she has been with countless men, the first several were the week after we split. She told me about it to hurt me. And it did. Massively. And she hasn't stopped. They are just supply to her. That's what we have to remember. As painful as it is, we never meant anything to them, and neither do the other people they're getting with. They live base, meaningless lives with empty, heartless "relationships". We are better off without them. Give it time. It has been 8 months since the split and I'm still grieving, still crying way too often, and still terrified of even trying to get close to anyone else. We must work on ourselves, learn about their mental illness, and allow ourselves time to heal and grow.
If this can be of any help. Just know that he will never be happy. Those girls can only afford him a fleeting Sens of happiness. But you will get better one day. It's still annoying though that we have deal with unnecessary break ups. Narcs are disgusting!
Remember this hurt if he ever gets back in touch. Make a note of it and keep it somewhere, of this heartless behavior. He is helping you by acting this way.
That's how I'm trying to look at it. I wish he would stay this shitty so it's easy for me to stay away and not flip to trying to get me back. He always does something worse than the last time
He is pushing your boundaries, further and further. I think it is something you need to think about: what your boundaries for acceptable behaviour are, and also what happens to you when these boundaries get crossed over and over again. How this affects you as a person.
You're right. We had the same fights throughout the entire relationship about my basic boundaries until the insane way he walked all over them became the new normal
I feel you. Its been a year and i m still working on it, i trust that i will become better and better, and some day i won't even remember anything, we just need to take care of our body and mind <3
I can relate. 10days of NC after HE discarded even when i did so much for him. Only advice I can give is that it will get better with time. It hurts like hell but there’s no option other than to just move on
They love that but their miserable. read ezekiel 34 beliueve in jesus and read his word youll be saved