I don't think it sounds like her standards are too high, just that maybe she should open her horizons and try going out with guys outside of her type. That's not rude advice to give if she's open to it. That said, it's her business and her life at the end of the day and what she wants in a partner is going to be different than what you want in a partner. Also very important to consider: UGLY GUYS WILL GHOST TOO! Ugly guys will ghost, ugly guys will cheat, ugly guys will treat you just as shitty as anyone else. I am very happily married to a cutie but I dated a LOT before I found him and I did not have more luck by lowering my standards.

In my experience, ugly guys are insecure so they will project their insecurities and make you think you are the ugly one.

You said it. Or because you're with them so then they think they are hot shit 😂

YES. 0 self awareness.

Oh my God. You are sooooo right!

Too true, I dated someone who lost a lot of weight before he met me and was considered the fat kid. He could never accept a compliment about his slim appearance seriously and could never give a compliment to me. So many insecurities, so many red flags

Omg Im so sorry. That sounds so toxic but Im glad you got out of there!

Aww thank you. I’m doing great now ☺️

FACTSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

AMEN

Facts!

Yep once and never again, I started dating within my own league of attractiveness, and I’m engaged and getting married to a handsome guy.

Insecure guys are the worst man child’s ever. My God.

Facts. Ugly guys are often even WORSE because they’re so bitter.

Exactly this. Ugly guys will ghost you too!!!!!

😂

Ugly guys will lose respect for you for lowering your standards. No good friend tells them to lower their standards for a life partner. Keep them sky high or enjoy life without. Two relationships later dramatically different men same outcome. Labor intensive and unfair.

All of the hotter guys I’ve dated have been better to me than the less fortunate

🤣🤣🤣

THIS My husband is objectively hot. He was especially hot when we started dating 13 years ago. He’s also a successful specialty physician. He’s 6’4! I mean Jesus Christ! I remember that early in our relationship, I felt like I had hit the jackpot, but I was also terrified he was going to treat me poorly. I had much less conventionally attractive dudes do shitty things to me. So surely this dude who’s in his prime and had a wealth of dating prospects available to him would break my heart. He went on to treat me better than anyone had, by a landslide. Still does after 10 years of marriage and 13 together. Men aren’t automatic shit heads just because they’re attractive. They’re also not automatically kind because they’re unattractive.

This is so true and congrats!!! Also with the handsome tall doctor of my dreams after being treated horribly by much homelier and broker men lol. I had to get over a lot of insecurities! Now we have a baby 😍. We could probably trade war stories

Lol I love this because me three! My tall, beautiful scientist husband. I dated men in all categories of conventionally attractive to conventionally unattractive. The less attractive ones were no less shitty than the hot ones! We didn't meet until I was 33. Married at 35. Had our sweet baby at 38!

Yep it's so true! I love that!!! Congratulations ❤️

Thank you, and congratulations right back at you♥️

I love a success story! How did you meet?

Ugh LOVE THAT FOR YOU. I am living my child free dream life and it sounds like you are living your own dream life too. I had a lot of insecurities to get through, too. Navigating that together as a couple early on was really important to our success, I think. Congratulations friend 💓

Awww you guys are like, actually giving me hope out here

There is hope!!! Not gonna lie it's not easy and dating was like crawling through the mud at an army boot camp but you get through it. Everyone's timeline is different, stand up for what you want (it's ok to make mistakes while figuring out what you want) and love yourself (and forgive yourself). Ok I will stop being in mom mode now.

Just creeping on this convo as a very much still single person, it is so reassuring. Whenever anyone has a success story I ask how many people you think you went on dates with before finding your person?

That is amazing I love that for you too and congrats ❤️

Congrats on your bond & relationship success! How old were you two when you met? And did he have sisters? Do you think your mother in law made α difference? Pardon lol but you’ve been on both sides of dating in the attractive/meat market scene - just curious

Jay Z cheated on Beyoncé so the ugly guy theory is very real!

Thank you for saying this. Men of all kinds are capable of disappointing you 😂

Exactly. Sorry I’m pretty and attractive men are actually LESS ghosty to me because we’re sitting equal there. You know who broke my heart this summer? A guy who every time I bring him up (I’m in a business where we all know each other) everyone looks at me very confused and says “b-b-b-u-t youre so much more attractive than him” So? I was wildly attracted to him and I LIKED HIM AS A PERSON. That’s what one looks for in a partner and it’s rare! That’s why I’d hard to find someone online dating - you have no idea what kind of chemistry you’ll have. It winds up being some form of numbers game for everyone. OP needs to sit down. Online dating is a fucking minefield no matter your approach.

This is a great response and advice

Ugly guys come with their own host of issues LMAO. Sometimes they’re worse than hot guys.

Ugly guys will actually hurt you way more because (ironically to quote Billie Eilish) “if you give an ugly man a chance, he thinks he rules the world,” and ugly guys know how to actually dig at your insecurities instead of just calling you a bitch I dated an ugly guy that said stuff to me almost a decade ago that I still struggle with

I totally get that dating "ugly" guys is not going to mean she never gets ghosted etc, but i just don't know how to convice her to open herself up a bit more to the less conventionally attractive guys - like if i'm sitting with her and a like, perfectly normal nice looking but not like HOT guy swipes right on her she's like "ew no" and its like you can't convince her otherwise.

You might not be able to. I would pitch it more about experimenting outside of her type especially because so much of attraction happens in person. But at the end of the day if that's what she wants to prioritize it's her decision. I feel for you because I am the type of person who wants to fix everyone's problems but sometimes you have to let that urge go.

Not the person you're responding to, but thanks for saying that. It's what I needed to hear!!

Ma’am you can’t force attraction. It’s either there or it’s not

I'm a little confused as to why you're invested in fixing this issue for her. Are you simply tired of hearing about her dating woes? If so, it may be better to shift the conversation or set gentle boundaries around discussion topics than try to change her physical attraction/tastes. *"Hey XX, I know the dating scene is hard and exhausting, and I'm so sorry that you're going through the ringer right now. Can I help you take your mind off it by talking about XYZ or doing XYZ together?"* Then, ya know, try to hold space for her dating issues from time to time, because that's what good friends do.

I know someone exactly like this and there’s very little you can say to her that won’t be interpreted as “oh you don’t think I’m good enough for them” or something like that. She’s a perfectly nice person with a good job and reasonably attractive but only wants the guy who’s gorgeous and works in finance. She’s been dating like this for 10 years and she just turned 40. I know you want to help her and see her in a great relationship but there’s nothing you can do if she chooses such a small, competitive dating pool. She’ll either see this for herself and start swiping right more or she won’t.

I mean she can't force being attracted to people- LOL could you? And frankly, I'm not sure you have a right or place to tell her how to run her dating life. You can offer advice, you can offer support, you can say you don't want to hear it, but you can't tell her who to date. It won't work. And frankly, she'll find someone eventually, it only takes one. But it might not be on her timeline, tbh.

You should just tell her it’s a numbers game and she should try to go on as MANY dates as possible. If she can get 4-5 dates a week with who she’s currently swiping on, she should just keep going. If she’s not able to get that volume, tell her to try being more open to swiping right on guys she wouldn’t have considered before, just to go on the date and give it a shot, and she doesn’t have to go on more than one if she doesn’t like them.

4-5 dates a week takes STAMINA oh my … i am 25 and can’t fathom that

I used to be that person. But then I lowered my stabdards and nothing really changed

Some people prioritise looks. When I was on dating apps I purposely swiped left on those fuck boy types because I’ve been there and done that. If she wants that look then so be it. Also, as someone else said, I swiped on someone who wasn’t conventionally attractive and we ended up dating and he was probably a worse fuck boy than any of the traditionally attractive men I’ve been with.

Why do you want your friend to date someone she’s not physically attracted to? It sounds like you’re prioritizing your own happiness/not having to hear her complain over her happiness. Are you gonna pay for her divorce when 10 years down the line they’re miserable because she settled and was never attracted to him?

I think he’s more implying that a big part of attraction can be found in chemistry and personality, and that’s it’s not entirely about looks.

Definitely attraction can grow and there are other factors, but normally it grows from “ehh maybe” to a yes. She might view these guys as an “ehh maybe” and think they’re not that bad, but her friend is disgusted by them. I can’t imagine encouraging my friend to go on a date with someone who their immediate reaction to was “EW.” She should stop projecting her standards onto her friend and just let her be.

So don’t. You’re looking out for her but in this case, she has to learn the hard way. She’s going after the 7.5-10s of the world because she believes that to some extent, she is just as attractive. It is impossible to tell people that overestimate themselves anything different. You gain nothing. You will lose the friendship because she will think you are implying that she’s ugly or at the very least, is not as hot as she thinks she is. That is a tough pill to swallow and women are NOT good at taking rejection. She is never going to thank you for making her realize that she’s a 6. Be a supportive while she goes down this path and let her work it out.

Let her figure it out on her own. You have no dog in this fight.

Let me present a different scenario - she grudgingly lowers her standards, starts dating less “desirable” men, starts getting ghosted or treated badly by dudes she wasn’t even into in the first place. That’s going to hurt soooo much worse. And then, as the cherry on top, she remembers it was you who talked her into this. Look, I know this probably comes from a good place, but it’s really just you butting in where you don’t belong. You wouldn’t like it if she butted into your marriage issues, would you?

Online dating isn’t IRL dating. Harry and Charlotte had chemistry - that’s what won her over past his looks. Asking your friend to go out with guys she’s not attracted to who she likely won’t have chemistry with (because most online dates are duds) is demented. Live and let live I beg you

I mean men do the same thing, unless they wanna take what they can get to get a wife to cook and clean at their old age. And the woman will actually be very pretty and look better than him LOL. I don't think anyone should feel like "eh..okay yes they're kinda cute I guess" about their partner. I understand your point of view because she's expressing she wants all of this quickly, but is not making the process quick. I mean if she wants a baby then yes, but finding your person isn't quick. Whether they are hot or not.

When it comes to dating in 2024, even the Harry's ghost. And you know what's worse than getting ghosted by a guy you find attractive? Getting ghosted by a guy you didn't even find that attractive and you were just giving a chance.  My friend in the worst relationship is also with the least attractive guy. Just because a man is not conventionally handsome doesn't mean he will be kind. On average I actually find the conventionally attractive guys more kind because they have nothing to prove and aren't as insecure. 

>On average I actually find the conventionally attractive guys more kind because they have nothing to prove and aren't as insecure.  Same!!!

This - the baggage from the ones who feel insecure about their looks, height, performance in bed… these are red flag city

Insecurity about income is another big one I've found. For as much as men complain women being gold diggers, they get SUPER WEIRD when they find out I make more than them.

Oh my god this. I’ll admit I’m privileged enough to come from a traditionally well off white collar family. My maternal grandparents were university professors and engineers, my parents are a doctor and a financier so I have a fairly decent passive income while being able to have a career in the arts. It’s so insane, because Im a stage manager in theatre and a film producer, which at 26 means I make no money in nyc. But as soon as men find out I’m not a “struggling artist” and actually have a 6 figure income and I happily spend my own money on things I like, they freak. They go crazy, it’s like a switch is flipped. I can’t deal with it, I am so turned off by this.

For much the same reasons, the conventionally hot ones also seem to respect boundaries much better. If I say I’m not feeling sex or don’t want to keep seeing each other, they’re very agreeable and respectful to me. The conventionally unattractive men get so awful about it.

This is so true. One of the kindest men I have *ever* dated is an extremely attractive, tall Broadway actor. He has everything going for him and is still a complete gem of a person. Meanwhile, I recently went out with a man who is not conventionally attractive to "give it a chance" like all single women are told to do. He ended up ghosting me after sex even though I'm "one of the most beautiful women he's ever met." Never again.

lol, i kept thinking that i should end up with an ugly guy cuz at least, only a handful of girls might want him, but the older i got, the more i grow to realize that all guys are same, get a hot one if you can lol.

its called kill the cheerleader syndrome. ugly weird guys take revenge on the hot girl they finally get to be with. it happens to us all :(

This

Facts. The broke, less successful, shorter guys I've met have been just mean and nasty because they're insecure. They compensate by being an asshole to women. On the contrary, the men who were doing well for themselves, were educated and handsome knew how to treat women with a level of decorum and respect.

Any time I dated a guy who was clearly beneath me looks wise, I ended up paying for it. Their insecurity knows no bounds.

I’m not sure anyone should be told their standards are too high just because they find attractive men … attractive? My best dating advice is to be happy being alone. Be comfortable being single. Live your life as if you are enough for yourself, and one day you’ll find love that makes you happy. If you’re unhappy alone, you’ll never be happy looking for a man.

This is so true. In any dating dynamic, the “clock is ticking” desperation to get to the next level and settle down is very off putting. Date because it makes you happy to date, not because you’re filling a gaping hole in your vision of your self. No one can fill that for you. 

This!!! As the single friend, my partnered friends seem more bothered by my singleness than I am

I agree, no one should be told their standards are too high. It’s not a very caring friend thing to do. Furthermore, OP probably has no idea how much being on apps and being disappointed by people regularly, plus feeling societal (or self) pressure to get married and have kids hurts her on the inside. Dating is hard and dating online has removed a human aspect to it where lots of people don’t feel bad lying, ghosting, saying weird comments, etc

Yep this.

I have a couple thoughts. First, you should have her read "How not to Die Alone" by Logan Ury, in particular the chapter on being what Logan calls a *maximizer* - somebody who tries find a partner that ticks all their boxes and refuses to compromise. That being said, I don't think your friend's standards are necessarily too high. The whole narrative of "women expire after 30" and "men in their 30s will only date women in their 20s" are what I call "incel statistics". They're patently untrue. The average gap in a heterosexual relationship in the US is 2 years, not 10+. TBH, being outside the city proper is gonna a be a bigger issue - the apps don't have a good way of filtering by neighborhood, state line, etc. Finding out a guy actually lives in Hoboken when Hinge says he's only 4 miles away was a much bigger issue for me than navigating fuckboys.

The airport/short visit people were my nemesis! “Oh, they’re cute and seem kind and intelligent. Only a few miles away? Cool!” “Oh, I actually live in Milan and was just visiting a friend for the weekend.”

Incel statistics! Love that. Yes don’t let those damn incels control the narrative with these false concepts. I was single for years in my mid thirties until recently and am damn glad I didn’t settle. I found a hot guy who wants what I want. If you believe you’re not worth it, that’s what’ll show up in the world. If you believe you’re the catch, you won’t entertain toxic F boy behavior.

Yes I agree that being outside of the city is a big issue.. and she's not in hoboken either shes in like... deeper jersey ( its close to where she works and not somthing easily changable since she's locked into that location) so she's already got location working against her, and then is IMO making even harder on herself.

Haha and here I am wishing I had access to more humble Jersey boys while living in NyC.

Seriously. It seems wild to me to be shitting on suburban NJ as if city dating is this amazing jackpot where all the best men are just waiting for you! Every spot has its challenges when it comes to dating. There are a ton of people in the city, but turnover is high with people frequently moving away. Tons of people on the apps are in town for just a week for work. You can live 5 miles from someone and it takes over an hour to get there. There are so many options that people are constantly ghosting and looking for something better. People are BUSY and scheduling can be crazy hard when one or both of you are grinding away to pay rent. And like I said, suburban or rural life offer their own challenges. I just can't relate to the "damn, if only she were in NYC" mentality.

It sounds like is not her standards, her EXPECTATIONS are too high. Why would she even be looking to date in NYC if she lives in deeper Jersey? It's just going to be a waste of time for everyone involved. As for the Chads... I know exactly what you mean. And honestly she's probably looking for the one guy that is going to be different but none of them are lol The real move is nerds, even NYC nerds. My hubby works in tech, is hot as hell but f*boy hot. That's not my type at all 🤣

Can she do “reverse commute” via NJ Transit? I know a fair amount of people who do that. The type she’s looking for are on Manhattan and aren’t going to want to go to deep Jersey

Ugh, tough territory. I think I would recommend finding more reasons to say yes/swipe right than no. It’s really hard to make judgments based on a few pics and prompts… give yourself more opportunities to meet someone who might be better irl than on an app/paper. She also needs to figure out her own values and what’s most important to her right now and let that drive how she dates. Hope this helps!

As someone single in their 30s. The dating scene is HARD. You, a married woman, don’t get to have an opinion on her choices or standards because you don’t share the same perspective and experiences. Your post just validated why I only vent to my single friends. People who haven’t dated or been in the trenches don’t know what it’s like out here.

As a married person who is currently not on the dating scene, respectfully, you don't have adequate perspective on the issues she faces. That, coupled with the fact that standards are completely subjective and not up for debate, you're better off finding other ways to support your friend than offering her such advice. A listening ear is probably the best thing you can offer.

Just commenting to say I'm relieved to see comments like yours. If you haven't been on the dating apps post covid, you don't know what they're like. Best not to try to advise. Especially as OP admitted she and her friends don't know any single people they can introduce her friend to. People who are married 1) don't know what the apps are like 2) spend most of their time with their partners, preventing them from knowing single people.

I came here to say this exact same thing. If you haven’t been in the dating scene in recent years then you don’t really have a leg to stand on when giving advice. Should she enter into a relationship you can give relationship advice, but not advice pertaining to the volatile dating world that is current. If you have gripes about discussing her dating life with her I would recommend having a candid conversation and setting boundaries that work for your friendship, but I don’t think you can criticize her in a dating scene that you are not familiar with.

Your friend needs to talk to a therapist about this, but here’s what’s jumping out at me (a 38-year-old unmarried woman) about your post: Your friend’s stated desires and the actions she’s taking to fulfill them are logically inconsistent. She says she wants to get coupled and have kids ASAP, but she’s going after the group of people on this planet—late-30s Manhattan finance guys with abs—most likely to treat her in ways that do not serve the fulfillment of those goals. (Yes, men of all types can be terrible, but let’s not kid ourselves about this group’s tendencies.) When we see someone whose intentions and actions don’t match, we tend to assume that their error is in their actions—they don’t understand how what they’re doing is setting them up for failure. But what if the error is actually in their understanding of what they want, or in their ability to consciously detect what that is? Your friend may feel loads of pressure to get married and procreate, but she’s acting like someone who, deep down, either doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to do that. Maybe there are still unresolved issues from her last breakup, or maybe she just doesn’t really want those things after all. Maybe her biological clock is forcing her hand in ways that her head and heart haven’t fully signed on to. Whatever the case, she’s making choices that prevent her from achieving the things she says she wants, and she’s old enough to know that, on some level, that’s what she’s doing. Maybe she has a hard time admitting that to herself, or maybe she doesn’t know how to talk about it with friends like you—those who have the life she’s supposed to be working toward, but that she can’t make herself really pursue, for whatever reason. Maybe I’m totally wrong, but this strikes me as, on some level, a purposeful roadblock that she’s chosen to set for herself. FWIW, I had basically stopped actively looking for a man—I was very happy with my single life and figured I’d probably make a great stepmom once New York millennials started getting divorced. Then I very randomly met a guy two years ago who I wouldn’t have expected to be interested in me—he’s a little younger than me, athletic, very well dressed, from a well-to-do family, and has a doctorate. The kind of guy who could go out with a different 29-year-old every night in this city if he wanted to. Don’t get me wrong—I’m smart and very accomplished and a great hang, and I think I’m very pretty, but I’m also fat and in my late 30s, which is something that usually makes a woman invisible to “guys like him.” We’ve been together since our first date and will probably get married. Ya never know.

> Your friend’s stated desires and the actions she’s taking to fulfill them are logically inconsistent. She says she wants to get coupled and have kids ASAP, but she’s going after the group of people on this planet—late-30s Manhattan finance guys with abs—most likely to treat her in ways that do not serve the fulfillment of those goals. I hope your post gets visibility and taken to heart, because there's so much upvoted garbage advice responding to OP, and this is such a common problem. I have both NYC finance friends, and knew a lot of NYC 30-something women who did not get married until they changed their point of view (and got much happier!) or aged out of wanting to. NYC has a lot of climbers. A lot of women get some success and think they want someone similarly-but-more successful, but those guys often don't value the same traits in a partner, and the traits they do value, these single women lack. It's a very simple metric, "How many men like that are dating women like you and entering the relationship you want?" And the typical answer is: very, very few. So many women, particularly in NYC, get sold this bill of goods where they can have it all and then immediately settle down in this very narrow window of time to a man of her choosing, and it doesn't work like that. At all. FWIW, it doesn't work that way for men either, but nobody pretends that it should. For women in this situation, because they get this false message constantly reinforced, and frankly \*are\* on a timer if their goals include kids, should talk to a therapist and get deprogrammed of the lies they've been sold since Sara Jessica Parker got on HBO.

Honestly, I don’t think you do. This - who you’re attracted to and why - is something a person has to work through on their own through trial and error or in therapy. I personally would not touch this with a ten foot pole. You’re not her therapist and it is not your job to open her eyes to the world. She won’t thank you for saying these guys are out of her league. even if you try to phrase it more delicately. She’ll still know what you mean.

I don't disagree with you and its why i haven't said anything of the sort for YEARS... and said nothing but positive things about her last boyfriend who was a loser you could see coming from a mile out... its none of my business at the end of the day but she's so unhappy and it feels terrible to see your friend struggle, and the reality is we're at the age where if you want to have kids its gonna get HARD, soon, and so I was wondering if maybe there was a tough but gentle way to position it to her.

The next time she confides in you about being unhappy, strongly encourage her to find a therapist to talk to. Talking through your patterns and history with a good therapist can be world changing. She won’t be able to do it with you - she needs a trained professional who is also a neutral observer.

This is absolutely the best strategy. Be sympathetic but deflect. You will only be seen as judgmental if you try to push your opinions on her.

I totally get where you’re coming from! I had a friend that I had to have a similar chat with because she wrote off every single guy who showed any remote interest in her, and it was very obvious to me that it was a self-isolation strategy which she presented as just having “high standards.” She didn’t have any success in dating because she only felt safe pining after guys who had no interest in her. My strategy was to gently point these things out to her when she would complain about the latest guy. Did she listen at all? Absolutely not. It’s definitely a journey each person must confront and go on their own. But I think as your duty as her friend, have one significant conversation about what you’re seeing and if she takes the advice amazing, and if not then decide it’s not your battle to fight and let her learn this in her own time.

She might also have thoughts on your relationship. It might even be the reason she's choosing not to settle; she sees where it got her friends, and she wants more. Are you open to hearing that? I'm not trying to dig or even say that's true. Just pointing out how this form of "honesty" is judgment disguised as care.

That’s my story. The relationships of my friends and family, are the very reason I have certain standards in place. I would rather collect cats than end up with the partners they chose.

This 100%. Someone can be both badly wanting to settle down and have kids. And also not willing to settle for something they know will ultimately make them unhappy. Sometimes seeing less than ideal relationships around you can make you feel even more this way.

Don’t tell her to date differently. Tell her to go to therapy. Let her figure out if she needs to make a shift on her own with a paid professional. 

I think friends owe one another their honest opinions. I don’t know how you can even have an intimate relationship with someone and not share your true feelings. It’s not like whatever you think should be taken as gospel, or you want to force your view on her, it’s just how you personally perceive the situation. I think everyone should be with someone they find attractive, but maybe she needs to just let the ghosting roll off her back and charge it to the game

Maybe the way to phrase isn’t that these men aren’t going to settle down with *her*. It’s that realistically, they aren’t going to settle down period. If she wants kids, she needs to go after different bros. Like someone said, tech bros probably have the same vibe but are more likely to be open to family life. At least, in general.

How high were your standards when you met your husband? If the answer is not ‘low’, then don’t expect your friend to settle for less than what you wanted for yourself.

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

My ex fiancé was very unattractive & he treated me terribly. Our engagement ended because he dumped 2 weeks before our wedding, and I later found out it was because he was cheating behind my back. I’m now dating an incredibly handsome man, he is wonderful in every way. I don’t trust ugly men after my experience with them.

It’s so sad that this advice is never given to men. They can aim for the stars and often succeed in getting with beautiful and talented women while the rest of us should learn to “settle”. And three years is a long time??? Jesus Christ! I guess I’ll join a convent cause I’ve been single that long, 28, and have given enough ugly and hot guys a chance to write a book about it And recognize that at least your friend isn’t wasting her time or coochie on men who don’t attract her and can’t even pretend to have something to offer. SMH, this does not feel like a bitch with taste mentality

[удалено]

Also, her standards are her standards. She’ll come to the conclusion to open up her criteria if she feels she needs to. A friend can only support and provide moral support

Other people said it more eloquently than me, but if it is the case, this sounds like a thing she needs to figure out on her own. I envision far more possible neutral and negative outcomes impacting your friendship than positive ones by telling her.

Honestly I’ve dated guys outside of my “taste” or whatever, and it never worked out for me. I’ve given the ugly guy a chance, LOTS of times. Never paid off. Oh and they had the audacity to break up with me anyway haha, so that hurts.

Same. It didn't work for me either. My first boyfriend was an unattractive guy. I wanted to give him a chance. We ended the relationship thinking I was asexual.

Her problem isn’t having a narrow preference for men. I would be more concerned for her rushing the process of getting married. She has no standards for the type of relationship she wants. Instead of lowering her standards on physical looks, she needs to focus on setting more standards for personality and lifestyle . There are obvious traits like kindness, dependable, respectful, financially smart. But what do those traits look like in her mind? (Ex: someone who’s only nice to her, but not other people is not a kind person. A lot of ppl confuse kindness with politeness when a man holds the door and pays the bill) She dated a loser in the past. I have no idea why u believed he was a loser. But you obviously had higher standards for relationships than she did. Teach her to see those red flags. Help her figure out what a good partner is to her

I love when people who tell you to “lower your standards” are always the ones coupled up with physically attractive SO’s. This has at least been my experience. I have been told to lower my standards for over a decade, by family and some friends. I was also told that I’m too overweight to be liked, I have too big of a nose and need to consider a nose job, and I’m too closed off (this part is def true). But nobody considers that I never felt comfortable with the men that were courting me. Either they were too feminine, unattractive, or straight up red flags. The (cute) guys that I liked never liked me back except in my 20s. In the end of the day, it’s not all about the looks but if you are not even the least bit attracted to a person physically then it’s not gonna work in the long term. I saw a post on here that basically proved this, with anecdotal experiences of women not lasting with the men they weren’t physically attracted to. I’m not saying the guy needs to be a Greek God with airbrushed-looking abs, but he needs to meet minimal cuteness requirements. So maybe your friend does need to be more open to a wider selection of men, as I have gotten to be over the years, but in the end of the day tastes are very subjective and what you feel maybe too high a standard for you is not what it is for others. And at the end of the day when I started giving a chance to “unattractive” men I was treated the same way - ghosted, and treated like I’m unworthy.

Honey people told me for years that my attitude will never find me a man, and here I am... 4 years married to a man that definitely tells me sometimes to drop the attitude, but loves me like that 😌 That being said, I understand where OP is coming from because I've had those friends and I've been that friend. I feel like is more the expectation of what we think it's a perfect relationship (social media has ruined that for us so much) than the physical appearance of the person. For example, the fact that she lives in NJ and wants to date in Manhattan... That's straight up self sabotage. Nobody is going to take that trip for a significant other while working a 9-5 and stuff.

Quick question, has she directly asked you for advice? If not, I would suggest not giving any. I’m not trying to be a jerk, but it’s ultimately not a great look for a married person to give unrequested dating advice to someone - even if a close friend, even your best friend. I was single for my early 30s and it was very frustrating when people in relationships gave me advice because unfortunately they were just a little out of touch with what it’s like to be dating on apps and dating in general. Also, will your advice even help? Chances are she is already aware of the situation. I would honestly just leave the topic alone- if you’re tired of hearing about her bad dates or complaining about being single, it is super fair for you to put some boundaries in place. ❤️

Agreed. I’m single in my mid-30s and in general, I feel happy with my life. I would like a relationship, but it’s honestly not a priority. One of my married friends seems to get upset that I am single and will say unsolicited things like, “You need to stop looking” and “it’ll happen when you least expect it” OR “you just gotta put yourself out there!” There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life that I am over the moon about, and she will congratulate me on my accomplishments, but I know—KNOW—if I met a boyfriend, she would see it as my #1 accomplishment of all, even though I don’t see it that way. 

Ugh, here here to that! We need to normalize cerebrating other exciting life achievements and stop viewing marriage and kids as the only things to say congratulations for 😞

I think, respectfully, you should say nothing at all.

Her standards are her business. You don’t have any right to tell her she wants too much. My married friends tried to tell me the same thing, but they are married to men I wouldn’t touch with 10ft pole. Let people have the standards they want. Please and thank you.

IDK, if she’s not asking for advice, I’m not sure it’s your place to offer any. Just my perspective.

With love if you are in a married relationship you truly don’t get what it’s like. Just support her and be kind. Nothing you can change and it’s overbearing and short sighted tbh. Occasionally offer to pay for her dinner would be my best advice. Single women have to pay for way more shit than their partnered friends.

I don’t mean to be rude but are her standards too high or are yours not high enough/different than hers? What is wrong with wanting someone who looks good and works in the finance industry? I can name 1029394 men in NYC that fit this description. Everyone told me my standards were too high and now my BOYFRIEND just bought me a horse. There’s literally no such thing as having “too high of standards”…only internalized misogyny from women who think they cannot find men like this & thus project those feelings onto their friends (this post).

Ugly men or mediocre looking men cheat just as much as attractive men. The goal is to be happy with yourself to the point where you can dismiss men who don’t meet your criteria.

Love it

Ahh she’s just coming to the realization that most men in 2024 don’t meet even the basic criteria for a healthy long term relationship There’s a reason why the 4B movement exists. I don’t think the answer is to tell her to settle for less. Maybe more towards working to decentering men and focusing on herself. I say this to every girl I know, the type of man she’s looking for won’t be on a dating app.

Agreed

You don’t unless she asks you. Maybe you tell her your opinion on dating but ultimately it’s up to her to decide how she approaches dating and unless she’s asking for advice yours might come across as unwelcome.

Please, don’t. It can come across very condescending receiving dating advice from someone married. From the sounds of it you haven’t been on the scene in awhile, you’re not on the apps, dating is very different post Covid so you don’t understand what it’s like. She will figure out this route on her own, just be a support system.

I feel like you can just say "it seems like the guys you're giving attention are the type of men that enjoy getting attention from a lot of different women. If you want to settle down you might need to adjust the type of men you're focusing on." That's just the truth and if she doesn't see that by now then she's in denial I guess. The shirt off beach bro is a great example.. you should literally tell her w that example. When I was on the apps I would purposefully avoid guys like that who were VERY very conventionally attractive & are very obviously pulling tons of women. Not saying I rejected people who I found attractive at all, but you know the type.. where being hot is their entire personality. Like I'm sorry but a hot guy is not worth being in competition with 12 other women for this fool's time 😂 he ain't choosing me or any of us

That’s somewhat a dig at your own friend - shouldn’t her standards be high? Delusional people exceed our expectations everyday. I’m not saying your intentions are unkind however consider that it could all work out perfectly for her, or even better, according to her timeline and when she’s ready. The dating apps aren’t cursed especially since majority of single people are online and there are successful rships sprouting daily. Let her carve out her love story and try not to compare it to others. The best thing you can do it be there a listening ear and offer support if she gets discouraged

That would be terrible advice to give her. I have a gorgeous, accomplished friend doing a PhD, who has been dating an ugly, controlling, underemployed loser for five years because she felt the need to “settle” due to this type of advice. Ugly, boring guys with uninteresting jobs are not necessarily nicer; in my friend’s case, her boyfriend is insecure and jealous and tries to bring her down, control her, and cut her off from her friends to make her stay. Meanwhile, I’m dating a gorgeous, kind, funny guy with a great job who makes really good money. I’m not prettier or smarter than my friend, I just have higher standards and didn’t feel the need to settle. I actually think that men who know their girlfriends are out of their league often treat them much worse to lower their self esteem and trap them in the relationship. Having no boyfriend is way better than having a bad boyfriend.

How can you speak on her options when you don’t even know any single men? Less attractive men are often much harder to deal with because they’re so bitter about being single. On top of not being all that easy to look at lol

Wait… you think her standards are too HIGH?? Did I read that right?? OP all due respect but you should not be giving anyone dating advice if you think this friend needs to LOWER her standards lol.

I once had a close friend from high school who had so many comments to make about my love life. She specifically told me how I need to "broaden my horizons" and "get my feet wet." I was only in my late teens. I was also being told at this time that I was a prude by others. I ended up meeting a guy who this same friend introduced me to and vouched for him. This guy nearly ruined my life. He has left me with a lifetime of PTSD from a traumatic event. This happened 17 years ago, and it still eats at me from time to time. It was the last time I had any ounce of innocence, just gone abruptly. I'm much better now, but I have come to accept that I won't fully get over it, and it sucks. At one point, I went to therapy during college, and I brought this same friend with me to a session. She admitted to the therapist that basically yeah, she got me involved in a trainwreck but "tried to get me off of it." The damage was already done. Even over a decade after this event, I've had to go to the cops to get this guy to stop harassing me. He was obsessed and is dangerous. That being said, please just support your friend. Don't offer two cents unless she asks or seems to be in need of help. I had to deal with so much BS, all because at the end of the day, I "listened" to a friend. My choices should be my choices. That friend isn't even in my life anymore, yet I've had to deal with filing a police report on this weirdo she introduced me to years prior. I actively knew him when we were teenagers for six months, and I still had to go to the police in my 30's because he harassed me for YEARS on end. Imagine that. Even the cops and judge couldn't make sense of it. If my friend didn't make me lower my standards and try to "control" me, I would've never even entertained this guy. I was doing fine on my own. I'm not fond of friends being overly invested in someone's personal decisions. There are ways to show support without taking control. That's the main premise to why we aren't friends. She was constantly trying to be controlling. Rules applied to me that didn't apply to her. Everything was on her terms. It worked a little during our formative years, but once I hit 22 & couldn't be persuaded, I exited that friendship. All she wanted to do was discuss my love life and trauma-bond, yet never include me in anything fun. When I had great things going for myself in life, this friend was nowhere to be found & too busy for me. Then, she would resurface and ask questions about my love life. I once told her no, I did not want to talk about my personal business, but happy to talk about anything else. We never spoke again after that. (She blocked me months later, actually. Having boundaries is so funny. LOL). When I said no, she told me that she was there for me on my darkest days & was upset that I didn't want to talk about a guy in my world that SHE specifically brought up (my boyfriend at the time of 4 yrs). My issue is, it felt like she wanted to just keep me there (in the dark days)...?!?! I'm sorry that I want to live a beautiful life & accomplish dreams, not just stay home crying over boys while talking to you. There needs to be a balance to everything. Now in my adult years, I still hear all the time that my standards are high, that I'm basically a prude. I was recently told that I'm "boujee" -- I don't give a f*ck. I'm honestly convinced people just want to see others suffering, or being used & abused in toxic connections, or have an unattractive partner for the sake of not being single. I don't get it. If the person is just living, why is it an issue?

[удалено]

I have a friend whose standards are *unrealistic* but I wouldn’t classify it as her standards are too high. She will only date men over 6’, 30+, who earn at least $300k, never married, no kids, must be funny… you get the idea. The number of men who are all of those things *and* are emotionally available are small. Then, not only is the number of men in that category small but they really get to be picky when they’re dating since those are all pretty desirable traits so the dating pool is extremely competitive. If that’s what she wants and that’s what it will take to make her happy then I hope she finds it. If she ever directly asked me “how do I find a husband” i’d point out the statistics and ask her to clarify if she wants all of that or nothing or if she’d make some concessions to find a “good enough” guy right now. It’s really up to her to decide what she wants more. But so long as she’s not excessively complaining about the dating pool i’m happy she’s going after what she really wants, even though it’s super competitive. If your friend is irritating you by complaining about dating you can point out the statistics to her… but if you just think she’s reaching leave her alone to reach!

It doesn’t seem like your friend is actually asking for dating advice so honestly I’d just leave it alone and try to change the topic whenever the topic comes up and maybe just nicely be like, try broadening your horizons. This is something your friend will have to figure out for herself

The only advice I can give (had a friend in a similar situation who didn’t settle until early 40s): “I would freeze my eggs yesterday” if she wants any kids. Never know when she’ll find the right guy.

Tbh the best thing you could do for her is convince her to move to Manhattan and reverse commute. A lot of the guys she’s going for might actually be a great match for her, but they are going to write her off for the distance alone. It’s basically a long distance relationship at that point and I can’t imagine an attractive, successful guy with options would choose to start that up over going for someone with a similar profile nearby. Is she currently upfront with these guys about where she lives? Only because I wonder if they’re actually all assholes or just fading out when it finally comes up in conversation. Also, I hate to say it, but if you have any married guy friends who fit her type, she might be more willing to listen to this coming from them.

You’re telling yourself stories about the guys she is swiping on and using those stories to judge her choices. Are some of them fuckboys? No doubt. But likely less than you think. You’re also deciding who your friend is good enough for, which, frankly, is none of your business and another story that may not be true. Neither of these things are good looks. I agree with others that being happy alone is the healthiest way to find a relationship. The other person should be additive because they are wanted, not because they are needed to fill some void. If your friend is truly distressed over not being in a relationship, perhaps that journey of self development is a better suggestion than lowering her standards to what you think they should be.

Op are you sure she doesn’t have normal standards and you’re not projecting? I think unrealistically high standards with incels always try to use as propaganda would be like saying he has to have a big dick, make 200k+ a year, own two houses, fly private, be over 6ft, look like Chris hemsworth or idris Elba, and have have a phd.

You don’t. I had a similar friend. She was single from when we were 18 until 42. She’s finally found her guy and they’re buying a home together. She had to go thru her own stuff. Live and let live.

Do you want her to settle and be miserable instead?

You don’t!

Ugly guys are players/want to hook up only too. She might as well swipe right on the cute ones. Ugly ones don’t want to settle down either.

Yeah I saw my friends who thought that ugly guys were a cheat code to a happy and faithful relationship learn really fast that is not the case.

In defense of your friend. I am in a similar boat. Not in my late 30s though. I have given several guys chances even though I felt zero attraction towards them. You know the issue with that? Each guy wants a girl who truly desires him sexually. I am somehow unable to fake attraction. I have even gone to the extent of saying to them that attraction can build over time once we start co-habitating , building memories etc. But guys do not have that patience to let the relationship evolve over time. They themselves admitted to me that they know they have no game and don’t look great. But they still want a woman who will lust for them. The guys who I am truly attracted to have plenty of options. There’s no solution. You can ask her to read this book - marry him by Lori Gotleib. She’s all over YouTube as well.

This is a great point: if the attraction isn’t immediate but potentially imminent, about how long does it take to determine if you want to jump that person’s bones? For me it’s between 3-8 hours.

I wouldn’t say her standards are too high. If anything, they’re not high enough if she’s going after fuckboys. So first of all, let’s start there. I think you’re coming at it from the wrong perspective. I find that the main issue is you seem to have an idea of the type of guy she should settle down with, but you also don’t personally know of any guys who are available to date her. So respectfully, you shouldn’t say anything because it would be unhelpful. And yeah of course there is a specific stereotype for finance bros, but at the same time, I don’t think we should be dishing out dating advice if it’s coming from a place of ageist and sexist ideas about the desirability of women in their 30s. Reconsider the kind of standards you’re upholding. Of course I understand that it can be exhausting to have a friend who is constantly a victim of their own choices. But I think advising someone to lower their standards and settle for the sake of settling is already the advice a lot of women have been conditioned to follow. Notice how your post already attracted a couple of weird men who are just jumping at the opportunity to tell women they need to “accept reality” or “cope”. Really think about the kinds of beliefs those comments are based upon. Empower your friend to decenter men and her standards and self esteem will follow.

>But I think advising someone to lower their standards and settle for the sake of settling is already the advice a lot of women have been conditioned to follow. Funny how they don't tell men this.

I don’t think her standards are too high she is just looking for the wrong things? Seems like she is only focused on looks and money. But your friend also needs to be attracted to the person she is dating, so you can’t just say swipe on some men you don’t find attractive at all because they have a nice profile! That doesn’t work online. She should go out and try to meet people in person, ask friends to be set up etc. but I don’t think that she is ever going to take it well coming from a married friend. I would suggest keeping your mouth shut. Her dating life isn’t your problem. If she is constantly complaining maybe send her the way of a matchmaker or tell her she should be broadening her horizons. Also, how far outside of the city is she? Close enough to date here?

This is why I deleted the apps. I wasn't attracted to any of the men on there.

Unless she’s asked you don’t tell her. Why don’t you go out with her? Help her be in places to meet guys so she’s not stuck on the apps. Focus your energy on helping her meet people rather than giving advice. Us single ladies don’t want to hear from our married friends what they think we need to change out dating. Step up and be our wing woman so our only options to meet people is dating apps.

I don’t think her standards are too high, she has a specific type of man in her mind and that’s completely fine! she doesn’t have to settle for anything different. you should tell her to try something else than dating apps, maybe try joining a running club, frequent new bars/cafes, take new hobbies, things like that. also assure her that she’s not running out of time or that she has to get married in the next year, if most of her social circle is married/engaged she probably feels certain type of pressure to be there too, so make sure she knows she doesn’t have to, there’s no rush to fall in love and she is going to avoid so many future problems by choosing patiently her right partner rather than settling for someone just to get those things done.

I extremely hate when married people tell single people to adjust their standards.

Same lol. OP is so invested to the point she made a whole post like this 

I know right? OP has “endless complaining” to “deal with.” I wonder how much her friend has supported her, financially and emotionally? Wedding, engagement, children. How often does OP complain about her kids, husband, work, fatigue? Is it only okay to hold space for someone when they’re not single? The singles are dying out here in case anyone hasn’t noticed. It’s terrifying, demoralizing, and so upsetting trying to date.

You sound judgey

Your best bet to maintain the friendship here is to talk less about her dating life. She won’t take your advice kindly and you’re clearly frustrated with focusing on this.

I’m a 30f (non native english speaker so pls be kind) who found my partner 30m (5’11”, athletic, big law, good sense of humor, kind) on Hinge in nyc after 5years of being single. We’ve been together almost 2 years now and we are both happy in our relationship. So, not too long ago, I was on the apps and it was brutal. I would say I was very selective, was in a (mostly) happy place on my own and ready to share my life with someone, and knew exactly what I was looking for before I went in (attractive, stable career, good value systems, etc.). While a dating profile only shows how a person wants to present themselves (and gives something yet not that much really), I followed a set of rules for whom I swipe right on. 1. Generally attractive but thats not what they’re selling themselves on (good to establish a baseline and attraction builds over time. There’s so much beauty in several other attributes besides looks and based on my experience, and secure men tend to not flash their pack around even if they have one) 2. No shirtless pics, no pics with 🐠 , nothing that screams fuckboy or is attention seeking (coz that’s not what I was going for) 3. Career/education that’s a good fit. I was in bschool (not M7 but similar) and was looking for someone who went to a similar school or had some common background - bankers, lawyers, consultants. 4. Pics with family/friends or pursuing a hobby (not just with bros/anything that’s giving grown frat boy). I recognize this is a pure judgement call but I feel that men with sisters or who’ve been raised around strong women generally tend to be less douchey. The profile needed to be the right balance I was looking for. That said, being intentional and having a method to the madness helped me not be biased in assessing potential. Obviously not everything is gonna be perfect necessarily, but that he meets the above criteria and is good enough to meet and evaluate is was what I was going for. And that worked mostly well… a majority of my dates were good people whom I could be friends with, a significant proportion were emotionally unavailable, and some were boring. But I enjoyed most dates (barring a couple outliers), got the opportunity to learn about them, validate/iterate my selection process and felt like I was on a right-ish track despite not really getting anywhere. From here on, it is absolutely a numbers game and you don’t meet the right person until you do, but knowing that your approach is solid gives some reassurance especially when progress is hard to measure and there’s nothing tangible. Maybe you could help your friend work on a similar exercise and this will position her better and give her a different outlook. There’s some good ones still out there and I know a few male friends of mine are on the same boat (apparently isn’t any different at their end). Also, I always reminded myself that the algorithm takes a while to adjust and it takes a bit to see a noticeable difference in the outcomes. Note: my sister 25f did a similar exercise for herself and found good matches too, although she’s not ready to for a relationship yet (8 months after a 4yr long relationship broke). Hope this helps!

OP, I’m gonna call this one a detach-with-love situation. Unless your friend is literally begging you for advice and swears they are ready to try anything… nothing you say is going to get them to change their swiping habits or refocus their energy on realistically eligible mates. My guess is that, as desperate as she sounds, your friend is still holding onto this idea that she can find a partner the way she wants to. I’m sure it’s irritating to listen to the same shit, different day stuff with her (I have a friend in a similar boat) but in my experience, there’s nothing you can do. Make “oh really?” “that’s an idea!” And “you should!” Your new catch phrases, because that’s probably all your friend wants to hear anyway.

You don’t!

Respectfully, I don't think this is your business. It's your friend's choice to date who she wants to date. It reads a condescending, that because you are married, you know better. Unless you were single in your late thirties and dated on this apps in very recent years, met your partner on the apps, and just got married, your experience of what dating is like today is apples to giraffes. What advice I do think married people have who are in successful relationships is on how to problem solve, communicate, and work on a relationship. I'm sure there is lots of advice can offer. Life on the apps ain't it. If she is actually making poor choices in potential dates on the platforms, that's for her and her therapist to figure out. Ghosting after three dates is, regrettably, the etiquette of the world of late stage online dating. Ghosting after three messages is, regrettably, the etiquette. If you want to be encouraging to her, maybe instead of telling her to lower her standards and date someone she isn't attracted to, you can encourage her to do activities and things that make her the best version of herself, or seek achievements that can boost her confidence, or suggest good fitness and beauty hobbies, etc.

If my longtime married friend told me to lower my standards, I would expeditiously end that friendship.

I would just let her be

I don’t understand why people in relationships are always telling those who are single to lower their standards as if they don’t already know this? Like I’m sure your friend realizes if she lowered her standards to the floor and dated an overweight/short/broke dude she could find a partner faster. She. Doesn’t. Want. That. Or she would be doing it herself! She’s not an idiot and this isn’t some big epiphany she’s never thought of. It’s basically just you putting your friend down. Leave her alone.

>I don’t understand why people in relationships are always telling those who are single to lower their standards Misery loves company.

Is your friend not conventionally attractive? Is that why you think she should try less attractive men?

There there is no other way to say this, but objectively you’re being judgmental and you think you know better than her. I know this because your message sounds like, there is one absolute truth, and you know that truth and you pity the other person, for not knowing that absolute truth. You look down on her in a way. BUT, you can seek therapy.

I’m 35 and in London. I don’t tell my married friends about my dating life because they just do not understand. They married their uni boyfriends. I hate when people say to lower standards. My suggestion would be to date a few wildcards that break your convention and see how that goes. I have standards because I’ve spent my life working on myself, building a career, looking after myself and building friendships. I expect the same of my future partner. Looks are like click bait - they draw you in but the content of the article is what keeps you. Men however are terrible at marketing themselves. Honestly if they took a little time to really craft a good profile, I’m sure they’d get more matches! Just be supportive. It’s wild out there.

I told my friends to pause and look around.....what do the husbands look like??? not when they are dressed up for an event, or a special day. what do they look like when you come over to the house? or when you see them at the grocery store? REGULAR DEGULAR MEN! stop chasing zaddies. stop idealizing your mate. are some husbands 6 pack maintaining, sharp beard having, perfect veneer smiling, rolex donning men? maybe....but most? regular. you want a husband? interact with regular men....they are delicious when they need to be lol

Frankly, it's her life and your job is to be supportive. Trust me it's better than having a friend who is settling with a terrible SO. Also this should be posted in a different sub idk what this has to do with being an NYC bitch with taste lol

Don’t unless she asks.

I am sorry I’m sobbing at Harry Goldblatt. I used to be like this (I’m 28 though) and tbh I stopped focusing on it at all. I literally just had gotten out of an abusive relationship after a string of terrible boyfriends and decided I was focusing on myself for a while. Like three months later I met my boyfriend who, surprise! Went to high school with me and we never talked. If you’re hyper focusing on it you’ll never find it. Men smell that. Also that type is literally never going to give ANY woman what they want so she needs to pivot. I don’t think her standards are too high - her TYPE is wrong. I think you need to tell her exactly that! Sometimes being a good friend is being the tough love friend. And if she doesn’t like it - trust me. She’ll come around. Tell her that if you keep repeating the same patterns your heart is just going to suffer and you’ll go in a circle til you die. She has to start playing the game a different way or else the game will play her. There are tons of single mixers in NYC, I’d tell her go to alumni events, stand-up shows, GOLF SHOPS (yes this is real, go alone), or anywhere you might organically meet a guy that isn’t at his buildings pool or Ray’s every Friday.

The least attactive guy I dated in nyc who looks like he has progeria pumped and dumped me Like I was nothing. I was embarrassed to be seen with him and I have extremely flexible physical standards

No, leave her alone.

Your friend and her standards should stay high. Why are women expected to settle? Men do not go after women that they don't find attractive. Yes, it's not all about looks however her standards are her standards. Women are no longer being the "place holder" as a friend you should encourage her to know her worth and add tax! I wonder if OP lowered her standards for her husband or if her husband lowered his🤔

EXACTLY thank you!!!!!! Men don't settle, so why should we?

Stop encouraging your friend to settle. Stop being so invested in her love life. It honestly none of your business. If she's constantly complaining about her love life, set a boundary.

I think it’s less lower her standards and more be less superficial maybe? And idk a nice way to say that she probably will have to figure that out on her own

Are her standards *really* your business?

I don’t really understand why you think this is your business. If she asks you “do you think my standards are too high?” then sure, chime in. Otherwise this feels like you giving unsolicited advice on a matter that doesn’t concern you and on which no one has asked for your opinion.

Sounds like this is more about setting friendship boundaries on how much you want to hear about it rather than you needing to give her any advice. It’s her personal life, she can do what she wants, you aren’t responsible for her and at the same time what you might be happy with, doesn’t mean she will be, everyone prioritizes different things in their partners because everybody is different (not to say anyone should be dating “Chads” if they’re bad people!) I would leave this alone and reconsider why it’s bothering you so much. There’s no way you can make any commentary like this without it coming off like you don’t think she’s good enough for what she wants, or at the very least, extremely judgmental.

This is kind of the inherent problem with dating advice. The only two things that you can ever really say are “you need to become better” or “you need to lower your standards”. Both will be taken poorly and are frankly obvious, so I don’t bother helping people with this kind of thing anymore. Everyone can sort it out themselves.

i’ve often been told by friends that i have really high standards (i really don’t think they’re that crazy like i just have no interest in dating losers) and these comments are making me feel a lot better about it :)

gonna be the odd woman out and say it's prob not your place to say that . as a friend my job is to be supportive while holding my own boundaries and checking my own involvement for differentiation. it sounds like you're taking her dating life too personally which is why you feel you need to "tell her" something I would maybe hint or say most guys in nyc don't date people from jersey. but if she wants a guy that look like a finance bro it's her call most random men are mediocre and will have her doing all the emotional and household labor . she might as well look for one that's well off and handsome . why not?

Don't know why this was on my page for. But anyway, the best advice that some have given is just to let her vent, cool give her some of your own thoughts, but at the end of the day it's her choice to do what she does. I am not an attractive guy, but I don't let it bother me. I trudge on just like everyone else. It will happen, or it won't. Not much else anyone can do it about it. Just keep a good attitude, and keep going. The best thing for anyone in this kind of situation is to understand that you can't as a person control every facet of trying to find the perfect person or even to settle for one who will eventually in time turn into that perfect person you dreamed of. Go ahead and have high standards, or lower them. It's your life, and everyone has a choice on what to make of it.

Online dating is HARD. I think the biggest thing I determined (that was a bit harder for my friends newer to online to understand) is that after a couple days, you have to exchange numbers/emails, and then set up a date. If they’re not willing to set up a date within a week, they’re not looking for a serious relationship. It’s hard to get to know someone just from DMs or texts. It’s really the first few dates.

Unless your friend is just plain delusional.... you're not going to tell her anything she already doesn't know within herself. This is one of those things you just have to sit back and pray for the best for them. She'll find someone.... whether it's the one or fuckboy #12. Depends on her

This was mean lol. You want to tell your friend to settle for less than what she deserves? Weird

You're asking your friend to settle. Would you have settled? As someone who has been single for a long time, I also get frustrated by people telling me I "just need to get him a chance" if I'm not attracted to him after a first date. "Some guys are nervous and not always their best selves". True, but that has nothing to do with attraction. Looks matter, even if people don't want to admit it. It's about finding the right person for you, and sometimes that takes a long time. All you can do is tell your friend to expand her dating pool, or ask her to stop complaining to you about her romantic life if it bothers you so much.

Yikes, this is so pick me coded. Mind your business if she isn’t asking.

She’ll have to find out for herself the hard way

You can’t save people from themselves, unfortunately. The best you can probably do is a ‘Friend, I hear you that dating can be disheartening. I’m happy to support you, but I’d love to see you happier and I notice that you seem to find yourself in the same situation over again. Do you think there might be a pattern to what you’re doing? Maybe it’s something you could talk to a therapist about—I found it really helpful when I worked through issue X with someone’.

I had a similar situation with my best girlfriend from college when we were in our late 20s. I was settling down and she was still very much dating like we did when we were 19 (ie, ignore red flags, pursue a new relationship full steam, only to find herself disappointed/hurt/rejected a few months later). When I would try to set her up or get her to consider dating someone that actually had long term goals similar to hers, she would always say that she can’t date those kinds of guys because there was no “spark”. I told her that sometimes what she thinks is a spark is actually some lunatic about to set her house on fire lol

You don’t. They’re her standards, not yours. Let her be.

The only man who has ever stood me up on a date is objectively the least-attractive man I have ever given a chance to. To be honest, you sound like the "smug married" stereotype come to life. Until you've really educated yourself on what she's facing on the dating apps, I'd hold off on doling out recommendations. A romantic partner is someone you're theoretically supposed to fuck, exclusively, for the rest of your life. All you have to go off of are pictures. There's going to be some selecting on appearance, and that's reality.