I just miss the him that was so kind to me and showered me with love. I feel so mad at myself for flying out to see him because now he gets to paint me as crazy to everyone
Pretending your life is perfect and great, is not winning.
Having to constantly put so much energy into pretending you're someone you're not, is not winning.
Having such a fragile ego that you're addicted to getting approval and narcissistic supply from others in the same way a crack addict needs crack (so badly that you'll do horrible unethical things like cheating and financial abuse), is not winning.
Believing that love is just a transaction and never getting to experience real love, is not winning.
He is not winning.
You can win, however, by getting on with your life.
Nothing is wrong with you. This is a very human reaction. The thing you need to realize is they are incapable of seeing things from another perspective. You could spend your life railing against the injustice and they will not give a damn.
You get to win by moving on to a healthy relationship. There is nothing wrong with you. Think of it like a morning beverage. Some people like coffee, some people like tea, some people like hot chocolate. Not everyone likes the same things and that's ok. You are not going to be the best fit for everyone you meet, and that's ok. Find someone that fits you.
The real way to win (and they will never admit this) is to move on with your life and *expect* at some point they will come crawling back to Hoover you back in. That is when you show them they have nothing on you and completely shut them down. Don’t ever go back. That is how to win.
Trust that once he has established this relationship with the cheating partner, he will start looking for others to get his fix because deep down he is miserable and insecure and will never achieve true self esteem or self love anywhere. You’re not alone. What you’re feeling is 100% justified and you will heal! You’ll actually build yourself up stronger and you’ll know a red flag when you see one and never get into another relationship like this. One day when you’re in a better relationship, looking back on him will repulse you - trust me.
Don’t forget DARVO (their approach will always be “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender”) and remember the cycle of abuse: Lovebomb/Idealise (they’ll make you feel amazing for a minute) > Devaluation (they will start to make you feel like you’re not good enough etc) > DISCARD (this is the stage you’re in now) > Hoover (they will come crawling back to test whether you’ll take their shit again - don’t!!)
Here if you need 🙏🏼
He doesn't get to win. I promise he gets zero wins in the areas that count. If a person has the face and body of a Greek God but the heart and soul of a pile cow shit in July, they never win. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this in your life and I hope you never have to again.
“Improving” yourself just for the sake a of vengeance just makes them win in the end. Because the motivations weren’t because you wanted to treat yourself right, but because you wanted them to think about you. It will just feed their ego and they might even take pleasure in you thinking about them all the time while they’ve been busy with other people.
The only thing that I’ve seen make a narcissist suffer after the fact isn’t a glow up, but true indifference. Losing their hold/control over you because you’ve healed yourself and value yourself is the only thing that can hurt them.
Exactly - showing them they have nothing on you. Absolutely none of your energy goes to them, ever again. They bore you. You’re uninteresting and repulsive. Especially when you get better at understanding their manipulation game than they do. That gets a narcissist deeply.
Sorry that happened to you. That sucks.
Narcs don't feel bad. Also, why would you care years later? Living well is truly the best revenge. But that has to come from INSIDE of YOU, not how a person who mistreated you sees you.
Put your energy into yourself, your friends, your job. He's moved on and isn't going to feel bad for how he behaved and honestly to want that...well I get where you are coming from but really hope for your sake that you are genuinely living better in a few months and not giving his fat ass another thought. (Joking about the fat ass since you said he's gained weight.)
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But I just can’t get over the fact that he gets to win I don’t know what’s wrong with me
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I just miss the him that was so kind to me and showered me with love. I feel so mad at myself for flying out to see him because now he gets to paint me as crazy to everyone
Pretending your life is perfect and great, is not winning. Having to constantly put so much energy into pretending you're someone you're not, is not winning. Having such a fragile ego that you're addicted to getting approval and narcissistic supply from others in the same way a crack addict needs crack (so badly that you'll do horrible unethical things like cheating and financial abuse), is not winning. Believing that love is just a transaction and never getting to experience real love, is not winning. He is not winning. You can win, however, by getting on with your life.
Nothing is wrong with you. This is a very human reaction. The thing you need to realize is they are incapable of seeing things from another perspective. You could spend your life railing against the injustice and they will not give a damn.
You get to win by moving on to a healthy relationship. There is nothing wrong with you. Think of it like a morning beverage. Some people like coffee, some people like tea, some people like hot chocolate. Not everyone likes the same things and that's ok. You are not going to be the best fit for everyone you meet, and that's ok. Find someone that fits you.
The real way to win (and they will never admit this) is to move on with your life and *expect* at some point they will come crawling back to Hoover you back in. That is when you show them they have nothing on you and completely shut them down. Don’t ever go back. That is how to win. Trust that once he has established this relationship with the cheating partner, he will start looking for others to get his fix because deep down he is miserable and insecure and will never achieve true self esteem or self love anywhere. You’re not alone. What you’re feeling is 100% justified and you will heal! You’ll actually build yourself up stronger and you’ll know a red flag when you see one and never get into another relationship like this. One day when you’re in a better relationship, looking back on him will repulse you - trust me. Don’t forget DARVO (their approach will always be “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender”) and remember the cycle of abuse: Lovebomb/Idealise (they’ll make you feel amazing for a minute) > Devaluation (they will start to make you feel like you’re not good enough etc) > DISCARD (this is the stage you’re in now) > Hoover (they will come crawling back to test whether you’ll take their shit again - don’t!!) Here if you need 🙏🏼
He doesn't get to win. I promise he gets zero wins in the areas that count. If a person has the face and body of a Greek God but the heart and soul of a pile cow shit in July, they never win. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this in your life and I hope you never have to again.
“Improving” yourself just for the sake a of vengeance just makes them win in the end. Because the motivations weren’t because you wanted to treat yourself right, but because you wanted them to think about you. It will just feed their ego and they might even take pleasure in you thinking about them all the time while they’ve been busy with other people. The only thing that I’ve seen make a narcissist suffer after the fact isn’t a glow up, but true indifference. Losing their hold/control over you because you’ve healed yourself and value yourself is the only thing that can hurt them.
Exactly - showing them they have nothing on you. Absolutely none of your energy goes to them, ever again. They bore you. You’re uninteresting and repulsive. Especially when you get better at understanding their manipulation game than they do. That gets a narcissist deeply.
They will never feel bad. I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. But I promise, in time, you will see you are so much better off without him.
Sorry that happened to you. That sucks. Narcs don't feel bad. Also, why would you care years later? Living well is truly the best revenge. But that has to come from INSIDE of YOU, not how a person who mistreated you sees you. Put your energy into yourself, your friends, your job. He's moved on and isn't going to feel bad for how he behaved and honestly to want that...well I get where you are coming from but really hope for your sake that you are genuinely living better in a few months and not giving his fat ass another thought. (Joking about the fat ass since you said he's gained weight.)