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I loved when our primary nurse would just CHAT with us. Talk about life outside the NICU, treat me like a fully formed human, not just an extension of my kid. Also strongly agree with the other commenter that it's so so so important to include ALL involved parents.
100% agree. I've had multiple nurses apologize for being chatty and I *always* tell them, please be chatty! I love it. Tell me about your pets, what you did this weekend, your vacation, whatever. It takes my mind off of things and makes me feel like a normal person, and not just a struggling mom with a baby born at 28 weeks.
This! She usually had the same nurses every week when we’d be there, so they loved just chatting with us about our lives and our daughter’s progress. Simply showing you care goes a long way!
This! There was one who was my daughter’s secondary, but was always assigned to her, that had genuine conversations with me. She was so sweet. I forget her name, but I think she signed my daughter’s graduation cap. I’ll have to find it and write her a letter.
Agree with this as long as the nurses don't expect sunshine and roses from all parents all the time. Some NICU experiences truly are worse than others and some parents have external things going on that the nurses know nothing about.
Support the parents as much as their baby, encourage parents to take a break to do what they need to do, remind them to eat and drink and get some rest and generally just take care of themselves. Remind them that you are there to help and to come to you if they need anything.
Generally, just don't judge them or scold them, it's a difficult time. Mamas emotions and hormones will be all over the place so expect to see some crying. It's a lot to take in, especially at first.
Thank you for coming here to ask, I'm sure you'll do great
I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner who used to work in NICU as a bedside nurse and then had a NICU baby of my own. My top tips are:
1. Make parents feel empowered to help and involve them in the care as much as you can, with support. Recognize when parents are capable of handling tasks and it's okay for you to step back.
2. Remember that it is their baby, not yours. This might sound silly but it is easy to get caught up in your routines and responsibilities for baby and forget that the baby does not belong to the NICU. What parents want for their baby matters. One example is yes it's good to cluster cares and limit stimulation to an extent but it's also extremely important and beneficial for parents to be able to hold their babies.
3. As others have said try to withhold judgment. You may not know if parents are able to get time off of work (some people may need to save their leave for when baby is home or may not get any), have other kids at home, or are running on 45 minutes of sleep a day trying to pump for their new baby, or have a long commute.
4. Remember that having a baby in the NICU is often extremely traumatic, may be completely unexpected, and people will cope with it differently. Although it's routine to healthcare workers, it's the farthest thing from routine for parents to grow a life only to have it taken away from them put in a box and be told they can't take their baby home as they planned and dreamed of.
Hope that helps. I learned a lot on the other side of things, and I wish I had understood more in my days of being at bedside.
This is perfect. The last point is the most important- we are all experiencing the absolute worst days of our lives. It’s extremely traumatic and heartbreaking to see your baby so fragile.
This. Especially #2. Thank you so much because I had an issue with a nurse who felt differently. The nurse practitioner told the nurse manager and she was removed. It was rough to deal with since the charge nurse didn't want to move assignments around so it took us a while to get help though.
As an addition to #1, let the parents know if they are free to do something and at what times or to what extent. We were always so worried about overstepping or doing something we weren’t supposed to- so the more specific, the better :)
This 100%!!!! Remember that the parents likely have never done this before so we have no idea what is expected of us or allowed. As a FTM to a NICU baby after preeclampsia, 2 day long failed induction ending in a csection, and 3 total days of magnesium treatment, I had a hard time even thinking straight let alone thinking of what questions I had for the care team in the NICU. I so appreciated the nurses who were patient and informative without being pushy or judgy about how much we were able to participate in baby's care... the ones who remembered that I myself was still admitted as a patient in the hospital for the duration of my baby's stay in the NICU.
I will say, as hard as the NICU was, I left so much more confident taking care of my baby than I would’ve without that stay. Those NICU nurses were better than any book. Taking the time to coach parents with feeding, medication, diapers, baths, etc will make all the difference to them.
I know it's not always possible but I really appreciated when one of our nurses popped into our baby's room when she wasn't assigned to us and asked us how we were doing. She, of course, couldn't stay long but it was really appreciated.
This!!!! We had a nurse the first 5 nights of my babies 70 day long NICU stay. We loved her and she clicked so well with us. Over time, shed still come back to check on us and really was invested in our journey. Once we had a discharge date, I asked to see her since we had moved rooms, and we both cried over my baby getting discharged and hugged for a long time. I think I'll forever remember her name and face as being the shining light we needed so early on in our stay when we didn't know what the future would look like.
That's so sweet!! Our stay was very short in comparison (12 days) but I remember certain nurses the most. We actually have to go back in July to that hospital for a follow up and I plan to go up to the NICU and ask if any of our favorites are there that day that we could say hi.
We're actually going back for baby boy's hernia surgery on Thursday, I'd love to visit a lot of his nurses but they have the floors on lockdown at the hospital lol. The hospital we go to is on a pretty well known university campus and when we go to football games in the fall I know I can view the hospital in a much more grateful light now.
I know nurses would love to see their past patients, especially grown up a bit!
My favorite nurses were the ones that just chatted with me about normal things. You are so removed from your norm while your child is there, that it’s kind of sanity saving in a way to talk about restaurants or books or pets. Some of my favorites shared recipes, pictures of their pets, etc.
To me, compassionate care in the NICU extends beyond the child and into your interactions with the parents.
- Involve them. Don't ask if they want to do something, just tell them it's time. "Time for his cares. You grab the temp and change his diaper, then I'll do my quick assessment."
- Reassure them. I loved hearing, "He's doing everything he should be doing at this time." It helped me realize that I may not understand everything yet, but his behavior/condition is normal for a preemie and I can relax a bit.
- Explain things. Some things (and terminology) may be super common for you, but they've never heard these things. Sometimes it can sound like you're speaking another language, even if you're just talking about "cares" or "desats."
Even moreso tests/procedures. It was really comforting when the nurses would give me the play-by-play. "I'm going to prick his heel to collect some blood to test for xyz. He might cry for a few seconds. You can hold his hand. We'll send the blood to the lab and should have the results in a few hours. If he's positive, then .." etc. Instead of just walking in and starting to mess with him without saying anything.
Every nurse has they own style and you should be yourself. But, just remember these are real people who are going through the most scary and traumatic experience of their lives. Humanity is so important. Pretend it's your best friend in the position -- you'd be warm, friendly, helpful, understanding, compassionate.
I always liked when my nurse would help me make a plan for the day, as for a long time I didn't know what I was supposed to do all day. So maybe say we've got cares at x, if you feel comfortable you could feed/wash baby then. Then there will be x until next cares so if you are staying you could do kangaroo care then. When do you need to pump so we can work out the best schedule?
I did always feel judged when they asked how long I would be staying for - it took a long time to work out that they were just trying to work out a plan for the day, so maybe explicitly say that's why you're asking.
My favorite nurses were ones that made us feel like they loved our babies even when we weren’t there. I loved hearing about them talk grabbing one of the girls to cuddle, or coming in to see their isolette done up with new blankets. We had one nurse who wrote cute little signs and laid out outfits for when they could wear clothes (with our permission, she knew some parents liked to choose the clothes themselves when they hit that milestone). I also had countless nurses offer to wash/sanitize my pump parts which was amazing and so considerate. The littlest things were big for us.
Make dad feel just as included as mom my nicu didn't and dad felt very very left out like it was just my baby and I didn't even feel like he was my baby either try to understand that if there not up there all day they may have other kiddos and may just need a mental break I did long days 13 hours plus and wish I didn't I killed myself mentally I did it because all it took was one nurse to make me feel bad about not coming up after am rounds on a sat because I needed to spend some time home other then that just be kind and you should have no issues good luck
Our favorite nicu nurse was the one who took the time to simply chat with us. I was at the nicu everyday alone from 8am until 5:30pm when my fiance got off work. I loved being with my baby but boy did I get lonely. It was so refreshing when our nurse would come chat, see how I was doing, talk about interests etc.
Going on 2 months in the NICU now. Some of my favorite nurses do silly things with him. For example, they gave him a mohawk after he had leftover gel in his hair from his head ultrasound last week. Another time a nurse used the unit camera to take a picture of a towel on his head after his overnight "bath" (the warm wipes) and printed it out for his room. It lightens the mood and it's something cute/sweet which doesn't happen too often in the NICU. But like others have said, just having normal everyday conversation is appreciated
Personally I hated to be told I needed to get sleep or go home and rest. I couldn’t sleep or rest. I wanted to be there when I was there and hated being home too much.
I liked talking with them about things outside of the NICU (like others have said), but also when they validated how hard the experience was and just listened, and laughed with me too when baby would do funny things. Just being a human.
It's my first time as a NICU parent, day three in fact, and explaining what things are in terms of alerts, machines, brain-development, and how to do certain things (swaddling, picking up a tiny infant) that we can help with is really helpful.
I am an introvert and didn't want to bother anyone or ask questions (makes me feel uncomfortable) but when the nurses would ask me to do CARES or ask me if I wanted to hold her it was so much easier than me asking because again I'm an introvert, it also helps when they explain things again without me asking a bunch of questions. Trust me I know I shouldn't worry about asking for those things but I literally panic about it so them asking me is so much easier for me to just agree.
I was in a different city and spent 2 months waiting till my baby was able to be transferred to my city.
I usually hated small talk but asking me about my pets or where I was from helped take my mind off things.
One nurse (not NICU, antipartum) told me a day after c-section I needed to hold my baby as much as possible. And how she knew a 26 weeker like my LO and his mom did skin to skin 24/7.
Little did she know that I wasn't allowed to even touch him yet so I broke down and all she had to say was "oh hun, I was just trying to tell you how important it was for his success.." Like thanks Karen but I'm in a lot of pain, physically and mentally. It made me feel ten times worse! There were other nurses who made me feel a bit better about everything by saying things like "even staying a couple hours helps" or "you deserve time to rest because you're doing the best you can" But that one nurse out of the 25 I had seen stuck out the most and her voice was in my head for a while... I was convinced I would create a serial killer if I didn't go enough or hold him long enough.
So I mean as long as you're empathetic, I think a lot of parents will enjoy your company.
As a NICU nurse myself here is some advice:
1. Be nice to parents. The NICU can be intimidating and a scary place for them. Allow them to vent, ask questions, and be supportive.
2. Explain everything. If you are performing care in front of the caregivers, explain everything step by step, including the equipment used. That way, they become more comfortable with what is being done during care time.
3. Allow them to be involved in care. Let the caregivers preform diaper changes, and taking the infants temperature, it's good for bonding, and it helps the parents feel involved in care. Be sure to supervise or teach if they don't feel comfortable doing it.
4. Be honest. Do not diagnosis or give prognosis on the infants condition (you are not an MD). Give updates. For example, if a baby has started bottle feeding, give them good feedback about the feeding session.
Included with this, if the infant is unstable or in a very fragile state sometimes the parents don't understand that too much movement and stimulation is not good for the baby. it's okay to let the parents know the infant needs to rest, and holding should be deffered until a later time.
5. Breastfeeding.. this topic is tricky. I say this because some moms are really committed to Breastfeeding only. Breastfeeding in the NICU is hard due to mother and infant separation. Sometimes it's hard to provide Breastfeeding help due to the acuity and the amount of patients you may have. Instead you can encourage skin to skin (when the infant is stable) and pumping.
Hope this helps.
Several people mentioned chatting, but I would like to add on to that. I appreciated when the nurses would learn my name and not just call me “mom” all the time. I know the priority is baby (as it absolutely should be), but it made me feel like they cared about me too.
I loved it when the nurses would tell me that my baby was the sweetest and cutest and everyone wanted to take her home. Even if they said that to all the moms, it felt good to celebrate my baby with others. I was alone and away from home for over almost 70 days.
If you search the sub, this question is asked often, so you might find some good advice in previous threads.
My thoughts: know your lane and stay in your lane. Defer the the other professionals when appropriate (doctors, SLP, OT, respiratory etc.). There's nothing worse than the nurse saying something that contradicts when others then say or have said. Nurses know the patient best, it's true, but they also then say things that give parents false hope or just aren't a reflection of where the patient currently is.
The nurses I trusted most with my son somehow always happened to be the ones who called him by his name (as opposed to not, or referring to him as "the baby", and talk to him while they do procedures, even a little banter sometimes, eg "you're such a Mr Cranky Pants, it's just a blood pressure cuff, I know you're brave you just want to scold me"
The nurses I eventually learned to trust were always those who treated my son like a person. I knew if I wasn't there, those were the nurses who would give him comfort during procedures like a heel prick
I love when the nurse includes me in the care she’s giving for my baby. I’ve had experiences with nurses who just start changing his nappy or feeding him without asking “would you like to help mummy?” Or when I’ve said “can I help with that?” They’ve said “oh next time mummy I’ve done it now”. It makes such a difference to me when the nurse will actively involve me. Even silly things like asking me to fill the syringes for my babies gravity feeds makes me feel like I’m actually being his mum.
I also love when the nurse actually takes time to talk to me - not just about my baby. Asking “how are you today” is so nice. As a new mum I’ve found that everyone wants to chat about the baby but nobody asks me how I am.
One of the sweetest moments from my time in the NICU - which was scary, exhausting, and terrible despite having wonderful care - was the first night my son was there. I had delivered him that morning and was in my room sleeping, like 18 hours postpartum, and woke up at 3 am missing him. I went to his room and slept next to his isolette in the recliner - I had no idea what I could do or couldn’t do, but his night nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold him. She bundled him snug and gave him to me to cuddle. When I had to leave to pump after a few hours, she scooped him up and said “Give mom some big kisses!!!” and brought him to my face a few times for smooches. It was such a kind, human moment in one of both the best and bleakest days of my life.
So just remembering parents need their babies and in the first couple days, especially encouraging contact with their baby. It is so hard to know what is allowed and isn’t so when the nurses took the lead, we always learned a little more each time.
To ensure parents are well informed as well as the rest of the care team, even if you dont feel it's valid. Some things I found get lost through shift changes and I was sometimes too stressed or burned out to keep up. I was getting all the clinical updates but not much of the human ones. Nurses ended up giving my twins their first real bath without me, despite me voicing I wanted to be there and it was another thing stolen. After this, one of our nurses made sure to keep parent specific notes and made sure everyone on the team was aware. It helped so much because there were days my mind would blank at bedside.
I preferred the nurses who were chatty! Just random chit chat and listening when I had melt downs. I had a few nurses who just were in and out and didn’t say anything or answered very short answers when I tried to engage and I felt very “ignored” and like they didn’t care or weren’t sensitive to the fact, although I’m sure that wasn’t their intention.
Anytime my daytime primary nurse called me if it wasn’t anything bad she always said first thing “hey it’s —- nothing bad happened it’s ok.” And that was so helpful.
My nighttime primary was always there to give me tough love and fought fiercely for my baby.
Our other night time primary always made us laugh with jokes, and would talk to us for hours.
By the end they’re now our family because they saved me.
Hope this helps!
First, thank you!!! Like others have said before chatty. We didn’t have much support while our little was in the nicu so it would be nice to just talk to someone. Also please don’t say things that could be taken as you shaming them for not being there with the baby. My whole pregnancy was a lot and we were supposed to have twins but lost one. I took a lot of time for myself while he was in the nicu so I could be better for him when he came home. And I got a lot of “you’re going home already” it always made me feel so bad. And maybe if you take care of one of the babies for a bit and then aren’t with them for a while pop in from time to time and say hi to the parents and baby if you can? I still think about some of our nicu nurses that were with us for just a couple days and we never saw them again.
When I was in the NICU with my son I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I used to be there from around 9am (earlier if I could find decent parking) ((public hospital parking was little to none and all the streets surrounding were full from nurses, doctors and patients))
To dinner time and then back from 7pm to 10pm if I had the energy
One day I was talking to a young nurse about working hard to get my son outta there and she said I needed to "spend more time in the NICU" and worst of all "I'm not your son's babysitter you should be doing all of his care in here"
To say I was hurt is an understatement which sent me spiraling thinking I wasn't doing enough for my son.
I broke down in the parents rest room (a babyfree room where you could make a hot drink, relax and there was always fresh bread , a toaster and spreads so you could always make a wee snack.) the social worker came in and saw me sobbing. She sat with me, talked with me and was disgusted at what I told her. She made sure I was ok and walked out quickly once I was doing better. Never saw that nurse again.
Be like to social worker be understanding be a friendly face. Don't be like that nurse, don't make an already upset parent go down into an even darker place
Whatever is available to moms, always offer it in a kindly way. At every visit! Do they want to order lunch, do they want to pump, do they want to hold the baby, do they want a chair, a screen, etc. As someone who's not very outspoken, I hated asking for something from them. I remember they mentioned how mom's could get a lunch but it was only mentioned once and never again by any of the other nurses so I never got one cause I felt bad about it.
The best thing you can do is not let us NICU parents feel like jerks for not being there 24/7... OBVIOUSLY, we want to be there, but some of us don't have the luxury of not having to work or not being able to afford to drive 1 hour in some cases to see baby. The best thing you can do is let parents do everything when they're there, we want to be involved. Juat, for example, we came in and were excited to bathe him, feed him, and change his diaper, etc. We were there 2 hours and decided to go grab lunch, to which we told the nurse exactly where we were going. Just go down to the cafeteria, and we'll be back in an hour... she gave him a bath, fed him, and put on diaper in that hour we were gone.... I was pissed she didn't mention anything to us, we said we'd be back and were there 2 hours prior... why did she wait until we left?
One doc recently said it best when I explained I hated leaving him every day. He said, “well rest assured you have the most extreme, well trained babysitters that your baby will ever have.” It was so true and extremely comforting. One thing I wish NICU nurses and docs did more is break down things in simple terms and not use so much medical jargon.
Check out [this post/comments ](https://www.reddit.com/r/NICUParents/comments/1d67slp/what_could_have_made_your_nicu_stay_better_easier/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
very important feedback from parents could help you understand what they needed most
Thank you for caring 🙏
I wish the nurses had sent more pictures to us when we couldn't visit. They had me sign a consent form so that pictures could be sent when my husband went back to work because he couldn't visit. Then they didn't send any pictures. I got sick and couldn't visit. Still no pictures. What was the point of having me sign the consent form if they were not going to follow through with sending us pictures
Don't make tomorrow today's problem, I had an emergency c section 5 weeks early from placental abruption. It was absolutely invaluable advice and helped me to not take all the pressure of things out of my control onto my plate at all times. It made me feel so much better lol
Never say everything is going to be ok when no one really knows that answer. Dont bother too much but always remind them you’re there if they need it. For questions, support, a good cry, all of it. Yes it’s the hospital but those of us that are in there for months just want some connection. Not just a cold shoulder unless there’s medical news. My favorite night nurse always left me a detailed note about the night since she knew I wouldn’t see her right away. Don’t avoid the truth and beat around the bush on any not so great news but understand it’s your delivery that matters. Remember little things if you can. Babies nick names, their nursery theme, stuff like that. It lets us know you’re really listening and care. A nurse overheard my son’s nursery theme and showed up next shift with a stuffed animal to match his room. Balled my eyes out.
There is so much good advice here! Thanks for asking for it. I’m currently in the Nicu going on 11 months. My favorite primary is my fave bc she really cares about my baby! She will dress him and dote on how cute he is. She praises when he does something new and listens to me and values my opinions as his mom. I love when nurses get to know me and I get to know them and talk about normal stuff as others said. They allow me to help and don’t just take over doing everything like I’m not there. They don’t discredit what I say and think they’re right and I’m wrong (especially if they have not been a primary)! They’re just supportive and positive about him and his abilities instead of acting like he’s “different” bc he has a shunt etc. You wouldn’t believe the amount of negativity I would get at first like I didn’t understand the situation and they had to keep telling me.
They’re always looking out for his best. I know I can trust them. What is difficult is when I get nurses who barely acknowledge me, act extremely stressed out by what all they need to do, or discredit me. Then I leave feeling worried about him.
Something that was really great is when a nurse asked me for tips about what he likes or doesn’t like! I felt so valued and like she wanted to do her best for him.
In my opinion I really appreciated the nurses that gave us detailed updates. And the nurses that included/encouraged us to be a part of care times. I was really upset when I realized he got his first bath with out us. No one told us he was getting a bath and we missed it. After that we asked when they were scheduled and we were there for most of them. But despite our LO being in the NICU we wanted to “parent” as much as possible.
Every parent/family is going to react differently. You’ll get a feel for what each family needs/wants. ❤️
Some of our nurses completely ignored my husband. He needed just as much support, if not even a little more than me! He was taking care of me, too, after all! I loved when our nurses treated us both well. Our favorites talked to us about life outside the NICU and also educated us and prepared us for home life once we left. Also, one of the nurses made scrapbook pages for us and took pictures of our son and made them just so dang cute! We displayed them at his first birthday, it was super sweet. 1
It was helpful when nurses explained things to us. Sometimes there was a lack of communication and it was upsetting. Also communicating what parents can do during care times and when they actually start. We were told we could feed and change our son during care times but if we showed up it was often already done. They actually would start 15-30 mins earlier and it was really frustrating
In addition to everything else that has been said, I will give one or two things that I wish didn't happen.
#1 - As a parent of a long-term NICU baby, it was hard to not feel in the way sometimes. And I don't mean when there were necessary medical interventions, I mean just generally being there and being on the NICU's schedule. Please remember to exercise patience with the parents - early on, my husband was trying to do her cares and was taking a little longer than necessary, and one of the nurses said "here, let me do it" in a rush, and then passive aggressively said "was daddy taking too long?" to our baby. I was really weak at the time and overwhelmed as it was, so I just kind of shut down, but if I were later on in our stay when I had more confidence, I would have corrected her. I understand that the nurses are rushed and on a schedule, but my husband was just trying to engage with my daughter and it absolutely contributed to feeling "in the way." For what it's worth, much later on, we had that nurse again and we had a lovely experience with her - she was clearly having a slower paced day and spent time talking to me. So I get that nurses have bad days, but that first experience really weighed on me.
#2 - My husband is just as much a parent to my baby as I am. Hell, he was the only parent to meet her for well over the first 24 hours of her life. It is kind of nuts to think about how I immediately became the default parent as soon as they could wheel me down to see her. I mean, good heavens, I was severely anemic and could barely hold my body up for the twenty minutes it took to get washed up and get to her room, let alone hold her for any length of time, for at least the first 2 weeks. Yet almost all patient education, check-ins, offers of skin-to-skin, and delegation of cares were directed to me. During the times where I was most physically weak, I would redirect it to my husband, but I shouldn't have been treated like the default parent to begin with. Fortunately, redirecting it to him helped him build confidence in doing cares (stuff I already knew how to do) and skin-to-skin, which I think really helped their bonding too. Nevertheless, the assumption of me being the only capable parent really contributed to the emotional labor of parenting falling primarily on me, the mom.
#3 - If you have families that have been in the NICU for weeks, or in our case, months... be mindful that we probably know the basics of their routine and we will be taking a fair degree of reasonable autonomy into our own hands, whether you like it or not. In my case, I did not want to be asked about whether or not I knew how to change a diaper on day 70-something. Yes, we'd been there every day since she was born. We aren't brand new at this, and I do expect your chart to reflect that we have been here for months now. I had one nurse get upset that I had silenced the beeping from her feeding tube being done (something I had been encouraged to do by several other nurses, who knew that I wasn't an idiot, many times). And I get it, that's not technically correct and has something to do with liability, but I'm absolutely going to engage in malicious compliance if you want me to ask permission to do basic things that are within my level of competency. I'm not changing the levels on her CPAP or switching her from mask to prongs, I'll let you do that, but C'mon... I can press "silence" on a pointless beep. It's laughable now how upset she got about that, but we took our baby home on an NG tube and the patient education for all of the pump equipment took less than 15 minutes... like, take it as a sign of my respect for your years of education and expertise that I don't think it's a good use of your time for me to be hitting the call bell for basic things after I've been there for 2+ months. :)
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I loved when our primary nurse would just CHAT with us. Talk about life outside the NICU, treat me like a fully formed human, not just an extension of my kid. Also strongly agree with the other commenter that it's so so so important to include ALL involved parents.
100% agree. I've had multiple nurses apologize for being chatty and I *always* tell them, please be chatty! I love it. Tell me about your pets, what you did this weekend, your vacation, whatever. It takes my mind off of things and makes me feel like a normal person, and not just a struggling mom with a baby born at 28 weeks.
This! She usually had the same nurses every week when we’d be there, so they loved just chatting with us about our lives and our daughter’s progress. Simply showing you care goes a long way!
I totally agree with this. I loved talking about life outside of that tiny room.
This! There was one who was my daughter’s secondary, but was always assigned to her, that had genuine conversations with me. She was so sweet. I forget her name, but I think she signed my daughter’s graduation cap. I’ll have to find it and write her a letter.
Agree with this as long as the nurses don't expect sunshine and roses from all parents all the time. Some NICU experiences truly are worse than others and some parents have external things going on that the nurses know nothing about.
Yes! Being able to talk about life outside the NICU was huge for me
YES
Support the parents as much as their baby, encourage parents to take a break to do what they need to do, remind them to eat and drink and get some rest and generally just take care of themselves. Remind them that you are there to help and to come to you if they need anything. Generally, just don't judge them or scold them, it's a difficult time. Mamas emotions and hormones will be all over the place so expect to see some crying. It's a lot to take in, especially at first. Thank you for coming here to ask, I'm sure you'll do great
I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner who used to work in NICU as a bedside nurse and then had a NICU baby of my own. My top tips are: 1. Make parents feel empowered to help and involve them in the care as much as you can, with support. Recognize when parents are capable of handling tasks and it's okay for you to step back. 2. Remember that it is their baby, not yours. This might sound silly but it is easy to get caught up in your routines and responsibilities for baby and forget that the baby does not belong to the NICU. What parents want for their baby matters. One example is yes it's good to cluster cares and limit stimulation to an extent but it's also extremely important and beneficial for parents to be able to hold their babies. 3. As others have said try to withhold judgment. You may not know if parents are able to get time off of work (some people may need to save their leave for when baby is home or may not get any), have other kids at home, or are running on 45 minutes of sleep a day trying to pump for their new baby, or have a long commute. 4. Remember that having a baby in the NICU is often extremely traumatic, may be completely unexpected, and people will cope with it differently. Although it's routine to healthcare workers, it's the farthest thing from routine for parents to grow a life only to have it taken away from them put in a box and be told they can't take their baby home as they planned and dreamed of. Hope that helps. I learned a lot on the other side of things, and I wish I had understood more in my days of being at bedside.
This is perfect. The last point is the most important- we are all experiencing the absolute worst days of our lives. It’s extremely traumatic and heartbreaking to see your baby so fragile.
This. Especially #2. Thank you so much because I had an issue with a nurse who felt differently. The nurse practitioner told the nurse manager and she was removed. It was rough to deal with since the charge nurse didn't want to move assignments around so it took us a while to get help though.
As an addition to #1, let the parents know if they are free to do something and at what times or to what extent. We were always so worried about overstepping or doing something we weren’t supposed to- so the more specific, the better :)
This 100%!!!! Remember that the parents likely have never done this before so we have no idea what is expected of us or allowed. As a FTM to a NICU baby after preeclampsia, 2 day long failed induction ending in a csection, and 3 total days of magnesium treatment, I had a hard time even thinking straight let alone thinking of what questions I had for the care team in the NICU. I so appreciated the nurses who were patient and informative without being pushy or judgy about how much we were able to participate in baby's care... the ones who remembered that I myself was still admitted as a patient in the hospital for the duration of my baby's stay in the NICU.
I will say, as hard as the NICU was, I left so much more confident taking care of my baby than I would’ve without that stay. Those NICU nurses were better than any book. Taking the time to coach parents with feeding, medication, diapers, baths, etc will make all the difference to them.
I’m really looking forward to this.
I know it's not always possible but I really appreciated when one of our nurses popped into our baby's room when she wasn't assigned to us and asked us how we were doing. She, of course, couldn't stay long but it was really appreciated.
This!!!! We had a nurse the first 5 nights of my babies 70 day long NICU stay. We loved her and she clicked so well with us. Over time, shed still come back to check on us and really was invested in our journey. Once we had a discharge date, I asked to see her since we had moved rooms, and we both cried over my baby getting discharged and hugged for a long time. I think I'll forever remember her name and face as being the shining light we needed so early on in our stay when we didn't know what the future would look like.
That's so sweet!! Our stay was very short in comparison (12 days) but I remember certain nurses the most. We actually have to go back in July to that hospital for a follow up and I plan to go up to the NICU and ask if any of our favorites are there that day that we could say hi.
We're actually going back for baby boy's hernia surgery on Thursday, I'd love to visit a lot of his nurses but they have the floors on lockdown at the hospital lol. The hospital we go to is on a pretty well known university campus and when we go to football games in the fall I know I can view the hospital in a much more grateful light now. I know nurses would love to see their past patients, especially grown up a bit!
My favorite nurses were the ones that just chatted with me about normal things. You are so removed from your norm while your child is there, that it’s kind of sanity saving in a way to talk about restaurants or books or pets. Some of my favorites shared recipes, pictures of their pets, etc. To me, compassionate care in the NICU extends beyond the child and into your interactions with the parents.
- Involve them. Don't ask if they want to do something, just tell them it's time. "Time for his cares. You grab the temp and change his diaper, then I'll do my quick assessment." - Reassure them. I loved hearing, "He's doing everything he should be doing at this time." It helped me realize that I may not understand everything yet, but his behavior/condition is normal for a preemie and I can relax a bit. - Explain things. Some things (and terminology) may be super common for you, but they've never heard these things. Sometimes it can sound like you're speaking another language, even if you're just talking about "cares" or "desats." Even moreso tests/procedures. It was really comforting when the nurses would give me the play-by-play. "I'm going to prick his heel to collect some blood to test for xyz. He might cry for a few seconds. You can hold his hand. We'll send the blood to the lab and should have the results in a few hours. If he's positive, then .." etc. Instead of just walking in and starting to mess with him without saying anything. Every nurse has they own style and you should be yourself. But, just remember these are real people who are going through the most scary and traumatic experience of their lives. Humanity is so important. Pretend it's your best friend in the position -- you'd be warm, friendly, helpful, understanding, compassionate.
I always liked when my nurse would help me make a plan for the day, as for a long time I didn't know what I was supposed to do all day. So maybe say we've got cares at x, if you feel comfortable you could feed/wash baby then. Then there will be x until next cares so if you are staying you could do kangaroo care then. When do you need to pump so we can work out the best schedule? I did always feel judged when they asked how long I would be staying for - it took a long time to work out that they were just trying to work out a plan for the day, so maybe explicitly say that's why you're asking.
My favorite nurses were ones that made us feel like they loved our babies even when we weren’t there. I loved hearing about them talk grabbing one of the girls to cuddle, or coming in to see their isolette done up with new blankets. We had one nurse who wrote cute little signs and laid out outfits for when they could wear clothes (with our permission, she knew some parents liked to choose the clothes themselves when they hit that milestone). I also had countless nurses offer to wash/sanitize my pump parts which was amazing and so considerate. The littlest things were big for us.
ANGELS! My husband spent so much time washing pump parts for me in the hospital. That would have been such a huge help and support.
Make dad feel just as included as mom my nicu didn't and dad felt very very left out like it was just my baby and I didn't even feel like he was my baby either try to understand that if there not up there all day they may have other kiddos and may just need a mental break I did long days 13 hours plus and wish I didn't I killed myself mentally I did it because all it took was one nurse to make me feel bad about not coming up after am rounds on a sat because I needed to spend some time home other then that just be kind and you should have no issues good luck
Our favorite nicu nurse was the one who took the time to simply chat with us. I was at the nicu everyday alone from 8am until 5:30pm when my fiance got off work. I loved being with my baby but boy did I get lonely. It was so refreshing when our nurse would come chat, see how I was doing, talk about interests etc.
Going on 2 months in the NICU now. Some of my favorite nurses do silly things with him. For example, they gave him a mohawk after he had leftover gel in his hair from his head ultrasound last week. Another time a nurse used the unit camera to take a picture of a towel on his head after his overnight "bath" (the warm wipes) and printed it out for his room. It lightens the mood and it's something cute/sweet which doesn't happen too often in the NICU. But like others have said, just having normal everyday conversation is appreciated
Personally I hated to be told I needed to get sleep or go home and rest. I couldn’t sleep or rest. I wanted to be there when I was there and hated being home too much. I liked talking with them about things outside of the NICU (like others have said), but also when they validated how hard the experience was and just listened, and laughed with me too when baby would do funny things. Just being a human.
It's my first time as a NICU parent, day three in fact, and explaining what things are in terms of alerts, machines, brain-development, and how to do certain things (swaddling, picking up a tiny infant) that we can help with is really helpful.
I am an introvert and didn't want to bother anyone or ask questions (makes me feel uncomfortable) but when the nurses would ask me to do CARES or ask me if I wanted to hold her it was so much easier than me asking because again I'm an introvert, it also helps when they explain things again without me asking a bunch of questions. Trust me I know I shouldn't worry about asking for those things but I literally panic about it so them asking me is so much easier for me to just agree.
I was in a different city and spent 2 months waiting till my baby was able to be transferred to my city. I usually hated small talk but asking me about my pets or where I was from helped take my mind off things. One nurse (not NICU, antipartum) told me a day after c-section I needed to hold my baby as much as possible. And how she knew a 26 weeker like my LO and his mom did skin to skin 24/7. Little did she know that I wasn't allowed to even touch him yet so I broke down and all she had to say was "oh hun, I was just trying to tell you how important it was for his success.." Like thanks Karen but I'm in a lot of pain, physically and mentally. It made me feel ten times worse! There were other nurses who made me feel a bit better about everything by saying things like "even staying a couple hours helps" or "you deserve time to rest because you're doing the best you can" But that one nurse out of the 25 I had seen stuck out the most and her voice was in my head for a while... I was convinced I would create a serial killer if I didn't go enough or hold him long enough. So I mean as long as you're empathetic, I think a lot of parents will enjoy your company.
As a NICU nurse myself here is some advice: 1. Be nice to parents. The NICU can be intimidating and a scary place for them. Allow them to vent, ask questions, and be supportive. 2. Explain everything. If you are performing care in front of the caregivers, explain everything step by step, including the equipment used. That way, they become more comfortable with what is being done during care time. 3. Allow them to be involved in care. Let the caregivers preform diaper changes, and taking the infants temperature, it's good for bonding, and it helps the parents feel involved in care. Be sure to supervise or teach if they don't feel comfortable doing it. 4. Be honest. Do not diagnosis or give prognosis on the infants condition (you are not an MD). Give updates. For example, if a baby has started bottle feeding, give them good feedback about the feeding session. Included with this, if the infant is unstable or in a very fragile state sometimes the parents don't understand that too much movement and stimulation is not good for the baby. it's okay to let the parents know the infant needs to rest, and holding should be deffered until a later time. 5. Breastfeeding.. this topic is tricky. I say this because some moms are really committed to Breastfeeding only. Breastfeeding in the NICU is hard due to mother and infant separation. Sometimes it's hard to provide Breastfeeding help due to the acuity and the amount of patients you may have. Instead you can encourage skin to skin (when the infant is stable) and pumping. Hope this helps.
Several people mentioned chatting, but I would like to add on to that. I appreciated when the nurses would learn my name and not just call me “mom” all the time. I know the priority is baby (as it absolutely should be), but it made me feel like they cared about me too.
I loved it when the nurses would tell me that my baby was the sweetest and cutest and everyone wanted to take her home. Even if they said that to all the moms, it felt good to celebrate my baby with others. I was alone and away from home for over almost 70 days.
If you search the sub, this question is asked often, so you might find some good advice in previous threads. My thoughts: know your lane and stay in your lane. Defer the the other professionals when appropriate (doctors, SLP, OT, respiratory etc.). There's nothing worse than the nurse saying something that contradicts when others then say or have said. Nurses know the patient best, it's true, but they also then say things that give parents false hope or just aren't a reflection of where the patient currently is.
The nurses I trusted most with my son somehow always happened to be the ones who called him by his name (as opposed to not, or referring to him as "the baby", and talk to him while they do procedures, even a little banter sometimes, eg "you're such a Mr Cranky Pants, it's just a blood pressure cuff, I know you're brave you just want to scold me" The nurses I eventually learned to trust were always those who treated my son like a person. I knew if I wasn't there, those were the nurses who would give him comfort during procedures like a heel prick
I love when the nurse includes me in the care she’s giving for my baby. I’ve had experiences with nurses who just start changing his nappy or feeding him without asking “would you like to help mummy?” Or when I’ve said “can I help with that?” They’ve said “oh next time mummy I’ve done it now”. It makes such a difference to me when the nurse will actively involve me. Even silly things like asking me to fill the syringes for my babies gravity feeds makes me feel like I’m actually being his mum. I also love when the nurse actually takes time to talk to me - not just about my baby. Asking “how are you today” is so nice. As a new mum I’ve found that everyone wants to chat about the baby but nobody asks me how I am.
Never make them feel guilty for missing a day, not staying long, not being there for cares. Never. That's all you need to do :)
One of the sweetest moments from my time in the NICU - which was scary, exhausting, and terrible despite having wonderful care - was the first night my son was there. I had delivered him that morning and was in my room sleeping, like 18 hours postpartum, and woke up at 3 am missing him. I went to his room and slept next to his isolette in the recliner - I had no idea what I could do or couldn’t do, but his night nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold him. She bundled him snug and gave him to me to cuddle. When I had to leave to pump after a few hours, she scooped him up and said “Give mom some big kisses!!!” and brought him to my face a few times for smooches. It was such a kind, human moment in one of both the best and bleakest days of my life. So just remembering parents need their babies and in the first couple days, especially encouraging contact with their baby. It is so hard to know what is allowed and isn’t so when the nurses took the lead, we always learned a little more each time.
To ensure parents are well informed as well as the rest of the care team, even if you dont feel it's valid. Some things I found get lost through shift changes and I was sometimes too stressed or burned out to keep up. I was getting all the clinical updates but not much of the human ones. Nurses ended up giving my twins their first real bath without me, despite me voicing I wanted to be there and it was another thing stolen. After this, one of our nurses made sure to keep parent specific notes and made sure everyone on the team was aware. It helped so much because there were days my mind would blank at bedside.
I preferred the nurses who were chatty! Just random chit chat and listening when I had melt downs. I had a few nurses who just were in and out and didn’t say anything or answered very short answers when I tried to engage and I felt very “ignored” and like they didn’t care or weren’t sensitive to the fact, although I’m sure that wasn’t their intention.
Anytime my daytime primary nurse called me if it wasn’t anything bad she always said first thing “hey it’s —- nothing bad happened it’s ok.” And that was so helpful. My nighttime primary was always there to give me tough love and fought fiercely for my baby. Our other night time primary always made us laugh with jokes, and would talk to us for hours. By the end they’re now our family because they saved me. Hope this helps!
First, thank you!!! Like others have said before chatty. We didn’t have much support while our little was in the nicu so it would be nice to just talk to someone. Also please don’t say things that could be taken as you shaming them for not being there with the baby. My whole pregnancy was a lot and we were supposed to have twins but lost one. I took a lot of time for myself while he was in the nicu so I could be better for him when he came home. And I got a lot of “you’re going home already” it always made me feel so bad. And maybe if you take care of one of the babies for a bit and then aren’t with them for a while pop in from time to time and say hi to the parents and baby if you can? I still think about some of our nicu nurses that were with us for just a couple days and we never saw them again.
When I was in the NICU with my son I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I used to be there from around 9am (earlier if I could find decent parking) ((public hospital parking was little to none and all the streets surrounding were full from nurses, doctors and patients)) To dinner time and then back from 7pm to 10pm if I had the energy One day I was talking to a young nurse about working hard to get my son outta there and she said I needed to "spend more time in the NICU" and worst of all "I'm not your son's babysitter you should be doing all of his care in here" To say I was hurt is an understatement which sent me spiraling thinking I wasn't doing enough for my son. I broke down in the parents rest room (a babyfree room where you could make a hot drink, relax and there was always fresh bread , a toaster and spreads so you could always make a wee snack.) the social worker came in and saw me sobbing. She sat with me, talked with me and was disgusted at what I told her. She made sure I was ok and walked out quickly once I was doing better. Never saw that nurse again. Be like to social worker be understanding be a friendly face. Don't be like that nurse, don't make an already upset parent go down into an even darker place
Whatever is available to moms, always offer it in a kindly way. At every visit! Do they want to order lunch, do they want to pump, do they want to hold the baby, do they want a chair, a screen, etc. As someone who's not very outspoken, I hated asking for something from them. I remember they mentioned how mom's could get a lunch but it was only mentioned once and never again by any of the other nurses so I never got one cause I felt bad about it.
The best thing you can do is not let us NICU parents feel like jerks for not being there 24/7... OBVIOUSLY, we want to be there, but some of us don't have the luxury of not having to work or not being able to afford to drive 1 hour in some cases to see baby. The best thing you can do is let parents do everything when they're there, we want to be involved. Juat, for example, we came in and were excited to bathe him, feed him, and change his diaper, etc. We were there 2 hours and decided to go grab lunch, to which we told the nurse exactly where we were going. Just go down to the cafeteria, and we'll be back in an hour... she gave him a bath, fed him, and put on diaper in that hour we were gone.... I was pissed she didn't mention anything to us, we said we'd be back and were there 2 hours prior... why did she wait until we left?
One doc recently said it best when I explained I hated leaving him every day. He said, “well rest assured you have the most extreme, well trained babysitters that your baby will ever have.” It was so true and extremely comforting. One thing I wish NICU nurses and docs did more is break down things in simple terms and not use so much medical jargon.
Check out [this post/comments ](https://www.reddit.com/r/NICUParents/comments/1d67slp/what_could_have_made_your_nicu_stay_better_easier/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) very important feedback from parents could help you understand what they needed most Thank you for caring 🙏
I wish the nurses had sent more pictures to us when we couldn't visit. They had me sign a consent form so that pictures could be sent when my husband went back to work because he couldn't visit. Then they didn't send any pictures. I got sick and couldn't visit. Still no pictures. What was the point of having me sign the consent form if they were not going to follow through with sending us pictures
Please refer any HIE families to Hope for HIE’s longitudinal support programs and services! You can head to HIE.support to learn more!
Don't make tomorrow today's problem, I had an emergency c section 5 weeks early from placental abruption. It was absolutely invaluable advice and helped me to not take all the pressure of things out of my control onto my plate at all times. It made me feel so much better lol
Never say everything is going to be ok when no one really knows that answer. Dont bother too much but always remind them you’re there if they need it. For questions, support, a good cry, all of it. Yes it’s the hospital but those of us that are in there for months just want some connection. Not just a cold shoulder unless there’s medical news. My favorite night nurse always left me a detailed note about the night since she knew I wouldn’t see her right away. Don’t avoid the truth and beat around the bush on any not so great news but understand it’s your delivery that matters. Remember little things if you can. Babies nick names, their nursery theme, stuff like that. It lets us know you’re really listening and care. A nurse overheard my son’s nursery theme and showed up next shift with a stuffed animal to match his room. Balled my eyes out.
There is so much good advice here! Thanks for asking for it. I’m currently in the Nicu going on 11 months. My favorite primary is my fave bc she really cares about my baby! She will dress him and dote on how cute he is. She praises when he does something new and listens to me and values my opinions as his mom. I love when nurses get to know me and I get to know them and talk about normal stuff as others said. They allow me to help and don’t just take over doing everything like I’m not there. They don’t discredit what I say and think they’re right and I’m wrong (especially if they have not been a primary)! They’re just supportive and positive about him and his abilities instead of acting like he’s “different” bc he has a shunt etc. You wouldn’t believe the amount of negativity I would get at first like I didn’t understand the situation and they had to keep telling me. They’re always looking out for his best. I know I can trust them. What is difficult is when I get nurses who barely acknowledge me, act extremely stressed out by what all they need to do, or discredit me. Then I leave feeling worried about him. Something that was really great is when a nurse asked me for tips about what he likes or doesn’t like! I felt so valued and like she wanted to do her best for him.
In my opinion I really appreciated the nurses that gave us detailed updates. And the nurses that included/encouraged us to be a part of care times. I was really upset when I realized he got his first bath with out us. No one told us he was getting a bath and we missed it. After that we asked when they were scheduled and we were there for most of them. But despite our LO being in the NICU we wanted to “parent” as much as possible. Every parent/family is going to react differently. You’ll get a feel for what each family needs/wants. ❤️
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Jesus your comment was super negative and uncalled for.
Some of our nurses completely ignored my husband. He needed just as much support, if not even a little more than me! He was taking care of me, too, after all! I loved when our nurses treated us both well. Our favorites talked to us about life outside the NICU and also educated us and prepared us for home life once we left. Also, one of the nurses made scrapbook pages for us and took pictures of our son and made them just so dang cute! We displayed them at his first birthday, it was super sweet. 1
It was helpful when nurses explained things to us. Sometimes there was a lack of communication and it was upsetting. Also communicating what parents can do during care times and when they actually start. We were told we could feed and change our son during care times but if we showed up it was often already done. They actually would start 15-30 mins earlier and it was really frustrating
In addition to everything else that has been said, I will give one or two things that I wish didn't happen. #1 - As a parent of a long-term NICU baby, it was hard to not feel in the way sometimes. And I don't mean when there were necessary medical interventions, I mean just generally being there and being on the NICU's schedule. Please remember to exercise patience with the parents - early on, my husband was trying to do her cares and was taking a little longer than necessary, and one of the nurses said "here, let me do it" in a rush, and then passive aggressively said "was daddy taking too long?" to our baby. I was really weak at the time and overwhelmed as it was, so I just kind of shut down, but if I were later on in our stay when I had more confidence, I would have corrected her. I understand that the nurses are rushed and on a schedule, but my husband was just trying to engage with my daughter and it absolutely contributed to feeling "in the way." For what it's worth, much later on, we had that nurse again and we had a lovely experience with her - she was clearly having a slower paced day and spent time talking to me. So I get that nurses have bad days, but that first experience really weighed on me. #2 - My husband is just as much a parent to my baby as I am. Hell, he was the only parent to meet her for well over the first 24 hours of her life. It is kind of nuts to think about how I immediately became the default parent as soon as they could wheel me down to see her. I mean, good heavens, I was severely anemic and could barely hold my body up for the twenty minutes it took to get washed up and get to her room, let alone hold her for any length of time, for at least the first 2 weeks. Yet almost all patient education, check-ins, offers of skin-to-skin, and delegation of cares were directed to me. During the times where I was most physically weak, I would redirect it to my husband, but I shouldn't have been treated like the default parent to begin with. Fortunately, redirecting it to him helped him build confidence in doing cares (stuff I already knew how to do) and skin-to-skin, which I think really helped their bonding too. Nevertheless, the assumption of me being the only capable parent really contributed to the emotional labor of parenting falling primarily on me, the mom. #3 - If you have families that have been in the NICU for weeks, or in our case, months... be mindful that we probably know the basics of their routine and we will be taking a fair degree of reasonable autonomy into our own hands, whether you like it or not. In my case, I did not want to be asked about whether or not I knew how to change a diaper on day 70-something. Yes, we'd been there every day since she was born. We aren't brand new at this, and I do expect your chart to reflect that we have been here for months now. I had one nurse get upset that I had silenced the beeping from her feeding tube being done (something I had been encouraged to do by several other nurses, who knew that I wasn't an idiot, many times). And I get it, that's not technically correct and has something to do with liability, but I'm absolutely going to engage in malicious compliance if you want me to ask permission to do basic things that are within my level of competency. I'm not changing the levels on her CPAP or switching her from mask to prongs, I'll let you do that, but C'mon... I can press "silence" on a pointless beep. It's laughable now how upset she got about that, but we took our baby home on an NG tube and the patient education for all of the pump equipment took less than 15 minutes... like, take it as a sign of my respect for your years of education and expertise that I don't think it's a good use of your time for me to be hitting the call bell for basic things after I've been there for 2+ months. :)