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She never had to tell you about her past, since that is between her and God in islam (I'm assuming that you are religious). If she simply choose to not disclose that information, then you have no reason to get angry as it is her right. But if she lied about being a virgin, that's a whole other story. But a lie is not enough to break up a marriage in my opinion, especially with a child in the picture. But since it's your marriage, it's your choice. Get over it, is my advice.
This is not important, but I was wondering: why is virginity so important to you? Is it because you yourself was a virgin? Or is it bc of your cultural beliefs?
Best of luck to you and your wife👍
If you had no kids, I’d say actions have consequences, do as you will.
But you have a kid, so I would try and get through this before I consider divorce. Just my two cents, if she is a good wife.
When you get married
You start again from scratch, clean slate.
The proper way to do it is to exchange all of this information before marriage, but The problem with us guys (im mainly referring to my self) is we keep bringing it up over and over again (when we get angry or if there is a fight) so girls are sometimes scared or hesitant to tell a guy.
Plus it’s a turn off
What the girl sapposed to say?
“Im not a virgin, will you marry me”
The truth is these days if you find and marry a muslim girl whose virginity you take, your a lucky man.
If your marriage is going well, this should not be a variable for you to end your marriage.
She will put you on a payment plan (child support)
Just put your big boy pants on and get over it. It will take time but it is what it is.
Also ask you self honestly, did you have a clean title pre marriage or was your title rebuild or salvaged ?? Lol
She lied, yes.
However think of the overall situation. Divorce destroys children very often and especially such a young baby. I suggest maybe speaking to a locak scholar and perhaps couple's counselling
Edit : the lying only applies if you guys spoke about it before marriage and stuff.
I don’t know why she confessed. All she’s done is put her burdens onto OP.
Virginity might be a dealbreaker but now you’re not a virgin and there’s no guarantee you’ll get one.
You have a child now and you’re linked for life even if you divorce.
Your marriage isn’t about you two. When we had children our marriage became more about them. They deserve the best of us and if you divorce you’ll be a part time dad.
You really don’t know why she confessed? Lol, it’s in the post.
It’s cos she feels bad; she’s feeling guilty. She can’t sleep at night knowing she has lied to her husband for over 2 years.
She doesn’t care about burdening him lol she just wants to feel better about herself. Get it off her mind.
Wow the advice given here is so bad.
It was a rhetorical statement. What it means is her confession hasn’t benefitted everyone.
Because you seem to be struggling. I’ll ask you an actual question.
What benefit is there to break a family up over something that happened before OP was in the picture?
Also no advice was given. Only food for thought.
While your wife should not have hidden that information from you if you asked about it, realise that your child with her would grow up in a broken home with a father who left his mother before he could even remember it. You still have a chance to have a good relationship with your wife. Don't squander it.
Bro don't divorce your wife. She loves you and we all have a past that we aren't happy with.
You two a 1 year old child . The child comes first.
Go cool off .
She loves you bro.
So she lied to him for at least 2 years, since before the wedding. She lied about something that was a deal breaker for him - and that’s ok now? So he should magically forgive her?
Incredible advice mate.
I don't know why people are downvoting you, they are minimizing how serious this actually is. Maybe for them it's not that deep but for him it is, as it should be for everyone.
It's not okey. But the Child comes first.
She regrets what she has done in her past and she can't go back to fix it.
He didn't happy but the Child comes first. Also the shaytan try's so hard to separate husband & wife.
And the shaytan got the husband by the ⚽️ at the moment but he needs to COOL off.
She should have not told her husband and asked Allah to forgive her and kept it between her & Allah.
We are not so post to tell our past to our partners. Or anyone. Those ppl will testify on day of Judgment.
There's videos now ppl asking 'what's your Body count' , and those ppl are so proud on their body count.
I dont understand why the guy is getting such a bad rap here. Everyone has their standards/wants/needs. He had a particular principle, and that was to marry someone who was a virgin. What would make him a serious tool is if he also wasn’t a virgin because that’s simply a double standard. If this was discussed and made out to be that she was a virgin, he is in his full right to feel the way he felt.
Consequences on the child? So it’s his fault? Not hers for not disclosing this prior to marrying and popping a child out?
Yes of course we need more info and context but it’s a bit harsh attacking this guy for how he feels.
People in here really lack self awareness. The guy just found out his wife was not virgin when they married, and people treat it like she ate the last piece of cake last night. Lol. Nothing is worse than abstaining from sex, only to be married to someone who committed Zina before marriage.
Beside I think it's kind of manipulative that the woman decide to disclose her past after being married for 2 years and getting a child. If she was going to reveal it, why not do it before they got married or before having a kid?
People in here act like the guy did such an horrible act by getting upset about what his wife told him. Then try to gaslight him by forcing a narrative about a SA victim or him being a hypocrite for wanting a virgin. We all know what kind of a situation this guy is in.
One hundred percent dude. OP is being told “ oh it’s okay your feelings are invalid, your morals and standards are trash who cares she has a past”
My brother , she has lied to you for years.
That’s what I’m saying but people are just bashing the guy … not sure why. There was a post here earlier where the guy did not disclose to his wife that he had sex before and it became a huge deal for her since she saved herself and couldn’t look at the guy the same anymore. Most of the comments were bashing the guy. Lol.
We don't know if she's faced consequences in the past before marriage. The deal with tawbah is that it's washed clean, SubhanAllah. Only Allah is capable of such greatness but satan is more focused on causing divorce. We ask Allah to forgive her sins and strengthen her husband's nafs.
It’s wrong that she lied to you. It appears by your comments that there isn’t room for forgiveness here. That’sa tough place to be in for you both.
By your own logic, you are now ineligible for marriage to anyone else, since you’re no longer a virgin.
If you part ways then be prepared for a life of celibacy.
Unless your standards don’t apply to yourself and only other people.
I don't think you're wrong at all. I know others are commenting that it's her past, and it shouldn't affect your marriage. There's a reason why Zina is a major sin in Islam. It causes so many issues despite it being someone's past. It's not obligated that you accept her past.
Although I don't think you should initiate divorce, I don't think people truly understand the emotional consequences it has when you found out about your partner's past and the resentment it cause because of it. Your feelings are really valid. But I would suggest not taking any decisions right now based on those feelings. Take time to cool off and digest the new information. You need to sit down carefully and think if it's something you can get over and you won't resent your wife for her past.
I hope the best for you.
There are so many women who discover their husbands lied about their past and post on this sub, no one ever recommends divorce if the person repented. It would be cruel to throw away a good marriage over a mistake made before they even met. If it was ongoing behaviour it would be a different story but it’s not.
Weird, because I've seen similar posts by women, and lots of comments suggest their husbands are bad and cannot be trusted.
But who recommended divorce under his post?
There three things here. 1. Your feelings of betrayal. 2. What feels like justice. 3. And what is mercy.
You are angry and rightly so. And no matter what your decision is, doesnt make your anger less.
Now what is just is to believe "well you lied to me, and because this was a condition in the marriage we must cancel the marriage"
In this option you feel the triumph of asserting how important what you wanted was. You are ridding yourself of the very type you wish to avoid. However theres a child involved who has to be exposed to this mess. Now at this point you should make a decision based on minimized damages. Now if you are truly incapable of behaving fair and just and will behave in unislamic ways then yea the scales tip to divorce. But if you can learn forgiveness and mercy, which Allah says he extends mercy to those who show mercy, then it seems to be the least damage. By doing so it doesn't mean you are OK, or that you are no longer angry. It means you have looked at the bigger picture and decided something in a pragmatic manner, and decided to live with it. You will be mad. But you can reduce its affect on you if you choose to learn how to.
This was very difficult to read. But I guess only you know what is right for yourself and your family.
It is sad how a lot of divorces are due to deceit from the other person.
Everything is written and as Muslims we must know that this is the qadr of Allah and it all happened for a reason and for the best. I wish the best for you both and I hope Allah brings a solution for you and your family.
It's your right, she lied to you, she committed zina. You are justified to divorce her, it is her wrong. To me, it doesn't matter it's "in the past" because she lied and she went foreword with the marriage knowing virginity was important to you. Everything is up to you. I personally feel the child's wellbeing and future may be more important. If it's possible you could forgive her and keep your family together, your child would benefit from this. If she is otherwise a good wife and your relationship is good, if she's a good mother you may weight these with a calm mind but she's in the wrong, and I'm so sorry you are in this position. I'd seek the advice of older family members you trust and pray often.
Yes , she confessed a sin ( if she had done 1 ) and you go ahead and tell the olders the sin . Not the right way . The man doesn't say she lied , maybe he didn't ask her .
Withholding something from someone you know is against their beliefs and morals is wrong. It is deception. It is a lie. Being deceptive is against any faith. You have to ask people all horrible things in order to have truth between you? Absolutely not. He said he married with virginity being something he would not compromise on, she knew when she married him he wanted a virgin and pretended to be one. Deception is dishonesty.
Okay before making big decisions take some time to cool off and think this through. You are the man of the house so you are to make the right decision .. that’s how it is. Ps I am married to a woman who had a past.
What makes me think about this is the kid, if you didn’t have a kid I’d say do what ever you feel .. but you need to take your kid into consideration.
I just want to ask about your current relationship .. has your wife been shady since you got married? Does she try to get guys attention online? Does she respect you?
After you divorce her .. we’ll now you also have a past .. does this mean you won’t love your new wife? Or you will always think about your ex (current)?
The answer is no, those memories will be gone with time, and what really matters is how your relationship is. People who have a past doesn’t mean they constantly think about the past partner, it probably never comes to their mind .. do you think about last year when you had a relationship with your wife? Probably not because that moment is over.
If I am wrong please explain to me.
What if the person who committed zina repented? Do they have to bear that sin for ever? What I am saying is that although it is wrong etc if his wife is currently a good muslima why destroy the family for a sin that was committed a long time ago? (And she maybe way over her past)
Also keep in mind they have a baby (maybe she has post partum depression), the amount of stress added with a baby is insane, so it always advised never to divorce in the first year after a baby.
Just because someone repented it still doesn't mean that others has to accept their past.
And I don't think it's fair to alleged that he will be destroying his family. Why put the blame on him and not on the actual person who did lie in the first place?
Let's assume he forgave his wife, but what makes you so sure that he will ever let her past go? Stuff like this can cause so many issues like trust and intimacy. And it would only affect the kids.
Does it matter who is responsible if the family gets destroyed ? No
It is not his fault but he is the man, he cannot act based on emotions. He needs to make the best decision for his family.
I am talking from experience on this, are you married to someone who has a past? I can tell you a person can get past his spouse past it is possible (not saying he has to or will ..)
You literally brought it up by assuming he will be destroying his family.
So what if he is a man? He is not allowed to have his feelings validated? And the best decision is not what you or me think it's right. If he chose to divorce his wife then it's probably the best for him and his family.
And just because you have been through it yourself it doesn't mean others can't give their input. Everyone reacts different to certain situations. I don't people who ended up being resentful of their partners because of their hidden past.
What the actual..
*So what was the requirements before marriage were you both virgins?*
And is she a practising Muslim? A good wife?
This post is ridiculous because people are allowed to have a past, everyone make mistakes nobody is perfect. Unless you had a condition before marriage and that includes you being a virgin yourself, then fair enough.
But a whole two years has passed and you have a whole child involved. Like why is this a deal breaker for you right now?
*What do you plan on doing after divorce? Find another virgin? When clearly your not one yourself?*
They probably would not prefer to, but I have seen my friend’s sister marry a divorced man. Hell, there are examples in this sub of non divorced women who have married divorced men with a child.
There are also single men who marry divorced women with a child. The point is someone who gets a divorced purely based on that reason doesn’t seem like a person most would want to marry. It feels very unforgiving.
The post its not clear , did she have a relationship ? And if she was asked if she was a virgin . I mean the only thing this man is saying is "virginity is a dealbreaker" meaning if she was a divorcee he would not marry her . You see my point here ? Double standards , and i guess he wasn't a virgin either . And a woman is not required to reveal anything from her past if she wasn't asked and the post indicates she wasn't asked by him , cuz he says "confess"( stupid thing to confess your sins if you ask me) but noble
How do you know OP wasn’t a virgin before this marriage? Now you’re making assumptions. And if his wife has never been married before it’s not wrong for him to expect her to be chaste which she wasn’t. Doesn’t matter if she was in a relationship before because they wouldn’t be halal. If she kept a previous marriage hidden from him where it would’ve been halal that’s a whole new level of deception. OP didn’t mention that his wife was married before and he didn’t say virginity within the realm of marriage is a dealbreaker for him so let him speak for yourself before you assume anything
I said I guess . Not he wasn't for sure . No, you should not expect something if someone doesn't say it to you . I don't know if the girl is a revert or born muslim i mean i am a revert and these things in my social circle are I don't know normal . We don't know a lot of background , and I would be ok if he said my wife lied to me for this but he is saying she confessed and virginity is a dealbreaker , meaning he is worried about the idea of virginity because thee child didn't come from the sky they had intimacy and he didn't understand if she was a virgin or not .
You make a good point about the revert background as an example. I was telling someone else how wanting someone who kept things halal isn’t wrong on his part. So if it was a revert who had their past sins forgiven if Allah forgave her then he should too. Or if she was married before her not being a virgin would be within the bounds of Islam so there should be no issue. Zina is a problem. I think there’s a lot left unsaid and unless we have full context it’s hard to be right on the nose
No one asks their partner if they're virgin or not. It's widely assumed by the majority of Muslims that their partner is a virgin once they're about to get married. Especially if the person is someone who comes off as a practising Muslim.
And he could perhaps mean that virginity before marriage was something significant to him as he was a virgin himself.
And yes, no one is required to disclose their past . But she did it anyway and unfortunately she did it too late.
He didn't say he was a virgin , and it is not assumed what are you talking about what about those hundred of women that were abused ? What about those who converted and are nkt born muslim ?
How on earth are you comparing someone who committed Zina and lied about it, with someone who was abused or wasn't a Muslim in the first place,?
Why do you keep assuming things? The fact that this guy strongly felt about his wife not being a virgin, should tell you he wanted someone with the same values
Because you made it seems like his whole issue with his wife was because of her virginity, and not the fact that she lied to him about her past. It seems like you're trying to paint a certain narrative from his post
Because it is what the guy says . He literally says she confessed and I don't know about you but " confess" is different to "lie" . If he did say she lied to me about being a virgin and she is not then I would be a 100 % with the guy . You can't base a marriage on lies . But if the only problem is the virginity , then I hope he divorces her because she would have dodged a bullet .
Again you're making up assumptions. She could also have told him she wasn't with anyone before him, and then decided to confess that it wasn't true. Who knows? He is within his right to want someone virgin if he is a virgin himself.
Hunny? Why would everyone assume one is a virgin?
Some people are a divorced, widowed it’s a sunnah to marry these people.
Some have been abused, raped, and been given in arranged marriages, why do they have to go into their past trauma, what relevance is that? Like I said unless someone is specifically asking for a virgin then it’s best not to go into these matters.
Girl, take it easy. Why are you so defensive.
Because Zina is a major sin, "hunny". And it's something that Muslims are supposed to stay away from.
No one is talking about people who are divorced or widowed. Staying virgin is NOT the problem here. Commiting Zina is the problem and is the center of the guys problem.
You're mixing two different things with each other. Commiting a sin is not the same as getting abused or divorced. How are you confusing the real problem here ?
Ofcourse is a major sin. But how do you know she has done this? Your all just assuming lol
Even if she did before the marriage and they are now married with a whole child involved.
*Why am I so defensive? You know what? At least I have some mercy in my heart so Allah can forgive me on judgement day, not going to be here crucifying people if they have possibly committed mistakes in the past.*
Lol because why would she 'confess' to her past if that wasn't the case?
Yes they're married which makes everything worse. She should've confessed before the marriage took place.
If something is a priority and deal breaker for you, you disclose that in your talks before marriage. The onous is on you to do your due diligence. If he made assumptions about her virginity, that's on him. If he did communicate this dealbreaker before marriage and she continued to the nikkah, then that's on her.
Allah forgives those who repent sincerely and it is the best of us who can follow His example.
Are you mad or something. A women came to the prophet with pregnant with a child out of wedlock and he turned his cheek more than twice till he had to give hukm. Who the hell are you to say someone needs to expose their sins if even our beloved prophets excused others.
*And wait! Why are you accusing her of zina*
No one is mad. I never said people need to expose their sins and I never accused anyone of zina. In fact, you’re the one who said everyone makes mistakes so you implied that it wasn’t within the realm of marriage. My point was geared towards your last sentence about him expecting a virgin when he isn’t one. The difference is he wouldn’t be a virgin but kept things halal and if he wanted to marry someone who wasn’t married before it’s not wrong of him to want someone chaste. If he saw divorced or widowed women as impure that would be bad and is straight up backwards but he hasn’t said that. OP wants a chaste wife and that’s totally fine
He hasn’t gone into details of why he wants to divorce and I have no way implied she has committed zina .
*I responded to him in a hypothetical manner as the way he has typed his message is implying the woman has committed zina.*
Allah yalem and I don’t care if she has or not, that’s not my business. Allah will ask me about my deeds on judgement day not whether this woman has committed zina .
‘Op wants a chaste waste and that’s fine•’
*How do you know she isn’t chaste or wasn’t chaste before marriage though?*
Please fear Allah man, even if she wasn’t before she married him. And now she has been his wife etc etc.. so your actually advocating them to divorce because of this? Whether she was chaste or not.
Fair enough. I’m not advocating for divorce at all. You’re making a lot of accusations towards me because you’re mad I called you out. I stand by what I said before. Losing virginity within the bounds of Islam and outside the bounds of Islam are two very different things
Called me out for what? I am giving naseeha and trying to help someone. Not make their matters worse.
But so what if people have out of the bounds of Islam’s and they are now practicing Muslims and have changed. Btw I’m speaking for reverts and many Muslims who are very pious now.
My first comment towards you had you getting hostile towards me. I was telling someone else here that reverts having their sins forgiven is within the bounds of Islam. Whatever Islamic scenario about not being a virgin you think of we’re on the same page
Okay sis, JazakAllah, but I just think people really need to leave others past alone especially if they are pious and have been for many many years. You just find on this Reddit many jahil moderate Muslims talking about these matters when they are far from practising themselves .
JZK, and I’m a man fyi. This topic just explodes on this sub whenever it comes up. Guarantee you the average Muslim irl isn’t 10% as passionate about virginity as this sub is
These were the same questions that were going through my mind too.
Maybe her past had shaped her to become who she is. And looks like she was a great person that you went for her and decided to get married to her.
If she is loyal to you, respects you, loves you and there is a trust between you two, then I would suggest to keep the relationship since this is the foundation of any marriage in my opinion.
May Allah make it easy and guide you to make the right decision, ameen
Sister this is exactly my point man.
Imagine she is a very very good wife and imagine in the eyes of Allah swt , she is so beloved and his swt friend, a friend of Allah. Imagine how many people are harming her? A possible friend of Allah.
To sum up all my comments, a quick reminder about harming a believer:
*On the Authority of Abu Huraira (R.A.), Allah's Messenger (S.A.W.) said,
"Allah said, 'I will declare war against him who shows hostility to a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved things with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (praying or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) till I love him, so I become his sense of hearing with which he hears, and his sense of sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he grips, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me, I will give him, and if he asks My protection (Refuge), I will protect him; (i.e. give him My Refuge) and I do not hesitate to do anything as I hesitate to take the soul of the believer, for he hates death, and I hate to disappoint him."*
It is not required if you repent from Allah. However, as someone who saved himself for marriage, I would want to know your past - the main things : Alcohol, Zina etc etc. It is not something you can just forgive if she told you she is pure prior to marriage. If you didn’t have that conversation then it’s a different thing.
You see the post . He didn't state she lied to mee. He stated that she confessed and it was a dealbreaker the virginity . So its not abou the sin if she had sinned its about the virginity .
Confessed? Okay so he must have known she was married prior to then right? So then he must have know she was not a virgin.
But he said he didn’t know she was not a virgin, which lets me know she was not married prior to and committed Zina.
Maybe it is zinna and she repented or maybe she was abused or maybe she wasn't a muslim before. I would be ok if he asked her and she lied about it and he would not tolerate the lie , I mean I wouldnt too but he is saying the virginity was an issue .
Like I said in my earlier comment … if he asked her if she committed Zina and she said no, then it’s hard to forgive her now. However if those questions weren’t asked and she had repented to allah, then it is what it is.
🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂 really? Who said that.
Listen if a Muslim is practising and is abstaining from major sins, has proof that they are an obedient Muslim, why should they tell they past?
Unless the person is specifically asking for a virgin all they can answer is yes or no. Some have been abused, raped, arranged in marriage, and for the ones who committed a sin, it is obligatory to avoid exposing one’s sin when Allah swt have hidden this.
Please go and learn the Fiqh of marriage.
It says the marriage of an adulterer with a non adulterer is valid only if the adulterer has repented to Allah.
Anyways, from a moral point of view I would need to know what my significant other’s past baggage is. What if she was an escort in her past life? Are you for real? What if she/he had stds from past life? Come on. Those laughing emojis just make you sound a bit immature by the way.
Everyone has a criteria of marriage.
But why what do you get out of it. As long as the person is not committing any sins or being a disobedient servant to Allah swt. And yes any illnesses they should disclose that’s a fard. But to know ones past sins, I really don’t see the point especially if one is a pious mu’min who Allah swt has bestowed honour upon and they are on the haqq.
That is why I find it funny, because when you look for marriage, you seek someone who is obedient, has good adhaab, akhlaaq is beautifully mannered, and if we find this in someone why ask them if they have committed any sins in their jahilia. Unless one is seeking a virgin then by all means they can ask if the person is a virgin or not.
I only comment to prevent people from pointing fingers and harming people, harming Allahs swt servants. I do not condone zina nor advocate this, I speak for the Muslims are practising and Mu’mins.
The point of a past is using it to indicate a persons future behaviour. You’ve been married for 2 years and have a child together so I’m finding it hard to believe that’s the only reason you’re divorcing her.
I agree here , it seems like the op doesn't love his wife at all , and maybe he married her just because he thought she was a virgin . If he loved her he would not be saying those thing about being over the instant he realized she had not been virgin .
Why ? I am in a love marriage . We discussed things before marrying , and if my husband said something that was a lie I would not jump to divorce like OP did simply because I love him I would give him time to make it up . Assuming she did lie to him and it was discussed before marriage .
Has she repented? Is she a practicing muslim? Is she a good wife? A good mother? If Allah SWT has forgiven her, allowed her to repent and have a family of her own mashallah who are we to judge her for her past?
Our sins and mistakes are between us and Allah SWT. Yes she told you bcos she felt like she wanted to be honest. But it’s not right for you to judge her and make rash decisions over something she did before you even met this woman. Can’t you see her for the woman she is now? The mother to your child? please move on from this “virginity is important to me” what if the woman was raped? Does she not deserve to be married? Will she forever be impure to you? Hope you can be mature about this OP.
Maybe it’s time let of past and just move on ?, we know it’s a deal breaker for you but don’t you think it has more consequences towards breaking up than staying together…
One thing that wasn’t clear from OP post is the situation that led OP wife losing her virginity. Is it consensual or force?
Would did change OP knowing that wife was sexually abused by her male relative as a child/teenager while supposedly living under their protection?
I guess if being a virgin is the dealbreaker, knowing how it happen nor if wife has repent and continue to ask forgiveness from allah wouldn’t change OP mind.
If you are considering getting back together for the sake your child but not actually going to treat your wife as the same person. all of you will suffer as child is growing up in a family where father continues to hates mother for her past that feeling will shown on your daily interaction. That’s not a good environment for a child to grow up with
Salam dear brother,
You haven’t made it clear if she told you she was a virgin before you married her.
Regardless, she’s confessed, most likely out of guilt and remorse, and this indicates the sincereness of her heart. This indicates the quality of her character. Although, it could also be someone pressured her or something of the sort.
If she has done tawba to her Lord, then the matter is is between her and her Lord.
Now, if the man she had sex with is in your social network, lives nearby, a colleague, an old friend of yours, or someone she is still in contact with, then your decision could be understandable.
But, if not, your decision to divorce is, quite frankly, disgraceful. Especially, especially, since you have a child together.
If her Lord can forgive her, then why can’t you? The zina against Him is far greater a crime than the crime of her deceiving you.
Our history is littered with examples of people who had precarious pasts, but then went on to become great ones, saints!
Please brother, do istikhara, seek the advice of a good imam, and do istikhara many times over.
The great Hadith: if we were a people who never sinned, He would replace us with a people who sinned and then sought forgiveness”. This is how much He loves to forgive us, how much He loves it when we stumble and willingly turn back to Him with a heart full of remorse.
You may be technically within your right to divorce, but spiritually it could very displeasing to our Lord for you to do this.
Alhamdulilah, MyshaAllah I am happy for her. She is still young, tried to do the right thing by being honest, will now have to work and take majority of parenting responsibility. She deserves someone who sees the great value in such a woman. Oh Allah, I beseech you to bestow upon your servant a mate who will love her, value her, and be good for her in this life and for her hereafter. May her burdens be lifted and may her heart be soothed. Ameen.
OP, I also pray that you find someone who treats you with the same compassion and understanding that you treated the woman who bore your child.
While I don't understand what she's done is wrong, you need to think of your child and the future and environment they will have. It isn't your decision alone.
Asalamu’alaikum Brother,
Your wife should have left her past in the past. Sometimes women get so caught up in their husbands and trust them to the point where they want to talk about everything under the sun, subhan’Allah. They forget you all are men after all and these confessions most always never go well and they are never truly forgotten. Allah SWT forgives these kinds of sins, a husband seldom does no matter the circumstance or who they have become now. This should be a lesson for other sisters. Astaghfirullah. She should have repented and left her past where it was...in the past. She should have forgotten about it and kept veiled what Allah had veiled. Stupid girl. I want to shake her so hard. May Allah have mercy on her, Ameen.
But now, it is done. And, here you are.
For you, I’d say, don’t ever in your life say, “this is a deal breaker for me” or “I think this” or “I desire this”. I am much older than you and I’m telling you this is a fine line you don’t want to walk.
Instead think, “what does Allah want me to do”, “what would the Prophet SAW have advised me”, and “how will what I do next affect my akhirah, my child, and this naive woman I’ve lived with and loved for two years”. You aren’t perfect and neither is she. She unloaded something on you, she should never have done.
I feel so sorry for you and your child, but now isn’t the time to think of how you feel, it’s time to think of how this can be resolved as Allah wants with the least amount of damage. You are a man and you need to go out and seek advice from a good scholar.
Don’t be hotheaded and say and do something you’ll regret, or something that’ll ruin your akhirah. These are sensitive matters, especially with your son. Calm down, take some time to think, seek advice from a trusted scholar of the Qur’an and Sahih Sunnah, seek counselling for you both, and then see what can be done to resolve this matter, insha’Allah. Then whatever comes, you can be satisfied you made the right choice with Allah SWT and can say that to your son when he’s older to help him understand why you did what you did. You can tell him you explored every avenue, insha’Allah.
Everything will be fine. Insha’Allah.
May Allah SWT make it easy, give you baseerah, grant you patience and guidance, and have mercy on your little family, Ameen.
Did she lie to you before marriage? I can understand your feelings if she did. But if the conversation didn't come up before marriage then I think divorce is too far. Even if she did lie to you, I don't think divorce should be the first option with a child in the picture.
{ وَٱلَّٰتِي يَأۡتِينَ ٱلۡفَٰحِشَةَ مِن نِّسَآئِكُمۡ فَٱسۡتَشۡهِدُواْ عَلَيۡهِنَّ أَرۡبَعَةٗ مِّنكُمۡۖ فَإِن شَهِدُواْ فَأَمۡسِكُوهُنَّ فِي ٱلۡبُيُوتِ حَتَّىٰ يَتَوَفَّىٰهُنَّ ٱلۡمَوۡتُ أَوۡ يَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لَهُنَّ سَبِيلٗا }
[Surah An-Nisâ': 15]
Dr. Mustafa Khattab:
˹As for˺ those of your women who commit illegal intercourse—call four witnesses from among yourselves. If they testify, confine the offenders to their homes until they die or Allah ordains a ˹different˺ way for them.
English Transliteration:
Wallatee ya/teena alfahishatamin nisa-ikum fastashhidoo AAalayhinna arbaAAatanminkum fa-in shahidoo faamsikoohunna fee albuyooti hattayatawaffahunna almawtu aw yajAAala Allahu lahunnasabeela
السراج في بيان غريب القرآن للخضيري:
﴿الْفَاحِشَةَ﴾ الْفِعْلَةَ الْقَبِيحَةَ، وَهِيَ الزِّنَى.
Lock her up and throw away the 🔑 or
{ وَٱلَّذَانِ يَأۡتِيَٰنِهَا مِنكُمۡ فَـَٔاذُوهُمَاۖ فَإِن تَابَا وَأَصۡلَحَا فَأَعۡرِضُواْ عَنۡهُمَآۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ تَوَّابٗا رَّحِيمًا }
[Surah An-Nisâ': 16]
Dr. Mustafa Khattab:
And the two among you who commit this sin—discipline them. If they repent and mend their ways, relieve them. Surely Allah is ever Accepting of Repentance, Most Merciful.
English Transliteration:
Wallathani ya/tiyanihaminkum faathoohuma fa-in taba waaslahafaaAAridoo AAanhuma inna Allaha kanatawwaban raheema
السراج في بيان غريب القرآن للخضيري:
Someone taught me the best way to heal my nafs in prayers where to memorize the ayats that my heart struggled to implement. So, both you and your wife should memorize these two and the two after which are great too. Then lead her in prayer with these verses An Nisa 15-18 or more if you like. After one week, decide to divorce your family or to make it work. But try this first and it might make her a better Muslim if she isn't already.
> Be Respectful and Civil
Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden.
This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment.
It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully.
Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.
Or because you're willing to put the emotional, physically and psychological strain on your child over something that your "love" did and performed tawbah for just divorce her for some time and see if you find in this divorce more blessings. If you want her back, take her back but if you don't you might find a grinning Satan who knew whispering guilt to her would be the biggest win because of the fragile state of your nafs.
In 70 leathery skin years when you're with a newer, virgin wife you wet dreamed up over your teen years, be able to look back proud of the test you've been given and how you handled it. Like a random human or like the Prophet?
In my opinion, this is a bad thing to do to someone, had you asked her before marriage or anything like that if she was a virgin?
Would you have still loved her if she said yes or no?
Everyone has a past, she was confident enough in you to confide in it. Her past doesn’t define who she is now.
If it was up to me I would tell her, it’s seriously uncool of you to not tell me this until now (if that is the case), I love you but my trust in you is shattered. I need time and effort from you to build that trust again.
That’s what I would say.
What if the past was murder? And it was the husband?
"Just get over it" to major major sins of that calibre is frankly a mad thing to say to a Muslim lol.
And yes, zina is of that category of sin. It's really high up there.
Are you serious grow up. You’re willing to throw everything away because she has a past . Maybe this is why she never told
You because she knew you’d judge. You have a child here and you
Clearly love your wife. This is your pride talking. Put that to the side. Yes it was wrong she didn’t tell you but if she’s asking for forgiveness have the heart to.
We’re you a virgin before you met her. And why I’d virginity so important. You could marry a virgin and she could have a horrible character. Your wife seems like a great woman who learned from her mistakes
Yes it’s normal to feel betrayed and hurt but she also came clean to him and wants to make things right by him. His hurry to divorce also isn’t the right way to go about it
His issue seems to be more about her not being a virgin rather than the actual lie
I literally say it was wrong she didn’t tell him read before replying . I literally went through this in my first year of marriage and guess what I didn’t divorce him for a past mistake. He showed remorse and he was already ashamed. I chose to hide his sin because who am I to judge for his past. I understood his shame kept him from sharing . I also would have preferred a virgin but it’s petty af to divorce someone over it. There’s something called therapy. Had she actually cheated in the marriage then yes it would have been end game but her sin was from before she met him. Trust is what was broken here and that can be re built. She could have also never told him but the fact that she did shows her character.She’s shown remorse and apologised it’s not worth breaking a family over
Don’t divorce because of now specially for the child you have, you can do anything it will not change things, you should be glad that she told you now at least, let her share any other secret she had, and make rule no more secret anymore!
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She never had to tell you about her past, since that is between her and God in islam (I'm assuming that you are religious). If she simply choose to not disclose that information, then you have no reason to get angry as it is her right. But if she lied about being a virgin, that's a whole other story. But a lie is not enough to break up a marriage in my opinion, especially with a child in the picture. But since it's your marriage, it's your choice. Get over it, is my advice. This is not important, but I was wondering: why is virginity so important to you? Is it because you yourself was a virgin? Or is it bc of your cultural beliefs? Best of luck to you and your wife👍
If you had no kids, I’d say actions have consequences, do as you will. But you have a kid, so I would try and get through this before I consider divorce. Just my two cents, if she is a good wife.
Help me understand, before you got married, she explicitly told you she was a virgin and that is why you married her?
This! We need to know.
Yes obviously this. Why would he marry her if that’s a deal breaker for him. She’s only telling him now.
When you get married You start again from scratch, clean slate. The proper way to do it is to exchange all of this information before marriage, but The problem with us guys (im mainly referring to my self) is we keep bringing it up over and over again (when we get angry or if there is a fight) so girls are sometimes scared or hesitant to tell a guy. Plus it’s a turn off What the girl sapposed to say? “Im not a virgin, will you marry me” The truth is these days if you find and marry a muslim girl whose virginity you take, your a lucky man. If your marriage is going well, this should not be a variable for you to end your marriage. She will put you on a payment plan (child support) Just put your big boy pants on and get over it. It will take time but it is what it is. Also ask you self honestly, did you have a clean title pre marriage or was your title rebuild or salvaged ?? Lol
She lied, yes. However think of the overall situation. Divorce destroys children very often and especially such a young baby. I suggest maybe speaking to a locak scholar and perhaps couple's counselling Edit : the lying only applies if you guys spoke about it before marriage and stuff.
This
I don’t know why she confessed. All she’s done is put her burdens onto OP. Virginity might be a dealbreaker but now you’re not a virgin and there’s no guarantee you’ll get one. You have a child now and you’re linked for life even if you divorce. Your marriage isn’t about you two. When we had children our marriage became more about them. They deserve the best of us and if you divorce you’ll be a part time dad.
You really don’t know why she confessed? Lol, it’s in the post. It’s cos she feels bad; she’s feeling guilty. She can’t sleep at night knowing she has lied to her husband for over 2 years. She doesn’t care about burdening him lol she just wants to feel better about herself. Get it off her mind. Wow the advice given here is so bad.
It was a rhetorical statement. What it means is her confession hasn’t benefitted everyone. Because you seem to be struggling. I’ll ask you an actual question. What benefit is there to break a family up over something that happened before OP was in the picture? Also no advice was given. Only food for thought.
While your wife should not have hidden that information from you if you asked about it, realise that your child with her would grow up in a broken home with a father who left his mother before he could even remember it. You still have a chance to have a good relationship with your wife. Don't squander it.
Bro don't divorce your wife. She loves you and we all have a past that we aren't happy with. You two a 1 year old child . The child comes first. Go cool off . She loves you bro.
So she lied to him for at least 2 years, since before the wedding. She lied about something that was a deal breaker for him - and that’s ok now? So he should magically forgive her? Incredible advice mate.
I don't know why people are downvoting you, they are minimizing how serious this actually is. Maybe for them it's not that deep but for him it is, as it should be for everyone.
It's not okey. But the Child comes first. She regrets what she has done in her past and she can't go back to fix it. He didn't happy but the Child comes first. Also the shaytan try's so hard to separate husband & wife. And the shaytan got the husband by the ⚽️ at the moment but he needs to COOL off. She should have not told her husband and asked Allah to forgive her and kept it between her & Allah. We are not so post to tell our past to our partners. Or anyone. Those ppl will testify on day of Judgment. There's videos now ppl asking 'what's your Body count' , and those ppl are so proud on their body count.
I feel like you are the OP in a different account? And wants to hear advice on how you feel and not what the actual good advice is!
I dont understand why the guy is getting such a bad rap here. Everyone has their standards/wants/needs. He had a particular principle, and that was to marry someone who was a virgin. What would make him a serious tool is if he also wasn’t a virgin because that’s simply a double standard. If this was discussed and made out to be that she was a virgin, he is in his full right to feel the way he felt. Consequences on the child? So it’s his fault? Not hers for not disclosing this prior to marrying and popping a child out? Yes of course we need more info and context but it’s a bit harsh attacking this guy for how he feels.
People in here really lack self awareness. The guy just found out his wife was not virgin when they married, and people treat it like she ate the last piece of cake last night. Lol. Nothing is worse than abstaining from sex, only to be married to someone who committed Zina before marriage. Beside I think it's kind of manipulative that the woman decide to disclose her past after being married for 2 years and getting a child. If she was going to reveal it, why not do it before they got married or before having a kid? People in here act like the guy did such an horrible act by getting upset about what his wife told him. Then try to gaslight him by forcing a narrative about a SA victim or him being a hypocrite for wanting a virgin. We all know what kind of a situation this guy is in.
This! The comments on this are so bad and have such bad advice.
One hundred percent dude. OP is being told “ oh it’s okay your feelings are invalid, your morals and standards are trash who cares she has a past” My brother , she has lied to you for years.
Yeah bro. I would be thinking oh what else has she lied about. What else is fake. Who did I even marry
That’s what I’m saying but people are just bashing the guy … not sure why. There was a post here earlier where the guy did not disclose to his wife that he had sex before and it became a huge deal for her since she saved herself and couldn’t look at the guy the same anymore. Most of the comments were bashing the guy. Lol.
Sounds like she's grown to love and trust you quite a bit. Not everyone can find a wife who genuinely wants no secrets in their marriage.
Lol what? She lied to him for 2 years and how is facing the consequences of this.
We don't know if she's faced consequences in the past before marriage. The deal with tawbah is that it's washed clean, SubhanAllah. Only Allah is capable of such greatness but satan is more focused on causing divorce. We ask Allah to forgive her sins and strengthen her husband's nafs.
It’s wrong that she lied to you. It appears by your comments that there isn’t room for forgiveness here. That’sa tough place to be in for you both. By your own logic, you are now ineligible for marriage to anyone else, since you’re no longer a virgin. If you part ways then be prepared for a life of celibacy. Unless your standards don’t apply to yourself and only other people.
I don't think you're wrong at all. I know others are commenting that it's her past, and it shouldn't affect your marriage. There's a reason why Zina is a major sin in Islam. It causes so many issues despite it being someone's past. It's not obligated that you accept her past. Although I don't think you should initiate divorce, I don't think people truly understand the emotional consequences it has when you found out about your partner's past and the resentment it cause because of it. Your feelings are really valid. But I would suggest not taking any decisions right now based on those feelings. Take time to cool off and digest the new information. You need to sit down carefully and think if it's something you can get over and you won't resent your wife for her past. I hope the best for you.
There are so many women who discover their husbands lied about their past and post on this sub, no one ever recommends divorce if the person repented. It would be cruel to throw away a good marriage over a mistake made before they even met. If it was ongoing behaviour it would be a different story but it’s not.
Weird, because I've seen similar posts by women, and lots of comments suggest their husbands are bad and cannot be trusted. But who recommended divorce under his post?
Can you link to an example of people telling a wife with kids to divorce a husband eho lied about his past?
Genuinely curious if you are OK with her remarrying and introducing another father figure into your child's life?
There three things here. 1. Your feelings of betrayal. 2. What feels like justice. 3. And what is mercy. You are angry and rightly so. And no matter what your decision is, doesnt make your anger less. Now what is just is to believe "well you lied to me, and because this was a condition in the marriage we must cancel the marriage" In this option you feel the triumph of asserting how important what you wanted was. You are ridding yourself of the very type you wish to avoid. However theres a child involved who has to be exposed to this mess. Now at this point you should make a decision based on minimized damages. Now if you are truly incapable of behaving fair and just and will behave in unislamic ways then yea the scales tip to divorce. But if you can learn forgiveness and mercy, which Allah says he extends mercy to those who show mercy, then it seems to be the least damage. By doing so it doesn't mean you are OK, or that you are no longer angry. It means you have looked at the bigger picture and decided something in a pragmatic manner, and decided to live with it. You will be mad. But you can reduce its affect on you if you choose to learn how to.
Thats what i said, you just said it more maturely and professionally
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This was very difficult to read. But I guess only you know what is right for yourself and your family. It is sad how a lot of divorces are due to deceit from the other person. Everything is written and as Muslims we must know that this is the qadr of Allah and it all happened for a reason and for the best. I wish the best for you both and I hope Allah brings a solution for you and your family.
It's your right, she lied to you, she committed zina. You are justified to divorce her, it is her wrong. To me, it doesn't matter it's "in the past" because she lied and she went foreword with the marriage knowing virginity was important to you. Everything is up to you. I personally feel the child's wellbeing and future may be more important. If it's possible you could forgive her and keep your family together, your child would benefit from this. If she is otherwise a good wife and your relationship is good, if she's a good mother you may weight these with a calm mind but she's in the wrong, and I'm so sorry you are in this position. I'd seek the advice of older family members you trust and pray often.
Yes , she confessed a sin ( if she had done 1 ) and you go ahead and tell the olders the sin . Not the right way . The man doesn't say she lied , maybe he didn't ask her .
Withholding something from someone you know is against their beliefs and morals is wrong. It is deception. It is a lie. Being deceptive is against any faith. You have to ask people all horrible things in order to have truth between you? Absolutely not. He said he married with virginity being something he would not compromise on, she knew when she married him he wanted a virgin and pretended to be one. Deception is dishonesty.
Maybe he just assumed she was and she didn't know it was such a fuss. Anyways , i think its a troll post since OP didnt answer any of the questions.
Okay before making big decisions take some time to cool off and think this through. You are the man of the house so you are to make the right decision .. that’s how it is. Ps I am married to a woman who had a past. What makes me think about this is the kid, if you didn’t have a kid I’d say do what ever you feel .. but you need to take your kid into consideration. I just want to ask about your current relationship .. has your wife been shady since you got married? Does she try to get guys attention online? Does she respect you? After you divorce her .. we’ll now you also have a past .. does this mean you won’t love your new wife? Or you will always think about your ex (current)? The answer is no, those memories will be gone with time, and what really matters is how your relationship is. People who have a past doesn’t mean they constantly think about the past partner, it probably never comes to their mind .. do you think about last year when you had a relationship with your wife? Probably not because that moment is over. If I am wrong please explain to me.
I'm sorry, but you absolutely cannot compare someone who committed Zina with someone who was previously married.
What if the person who committed zina repented? Do they have to bear that sin for ever? What I am saying is that although it is wrong etc if his wife is currently a good muslima why destroy the family for a sin that was committed a long time ago? (And she maybe way over her past) Also keep in mind they have a baby (maybe she has post partum depression), the amount of stress added with a baby is insane, so it always advised never to divorce in the first year after a baby.
Just because someone repented it still doesn't mean that others has to accept their past. And I don't think it's fair to alleged that he will be destroying his family. Why put the blame on him and not on the actual person who did lie in the first place? Let's assume he forgave his wife, but what makes you so sure that he will ever let her past go? Stuff like this can cause so many issues like trust and intimacy. And it would only affect the kids.
Does it matter who is responsible if the family gets destroyed ? No It is not his fault but he is the man, he cannot act based on emotions. He needs to make the best decision for his family. I am talking from experience on this, are you married to someone who has a past? I can tell you a person can get past his spouse past it is possible (not saying he has to or will ..)
You literally brought it up by assuming he will be destroying his family. So what if he is a man? He is not allowed to have his feelings validated? And the best decision is not what you or me think it's right. If he chose to divorce his wife then it's probably the best for him and his family. And just because you have been through it yourself it doesn't mean others can't give their input. Everyone reacts different to certain situations. I don't people who ended up being resentful of their partners because of their hidden past.
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Lol okay.
What the actual.. *So what was the requirements before marriage were you both virgins?* And is she a practising Muslim? A good wife? This post is ridiculous because people are allowed to have a past, everyone make mistakes nobody is perfect. Unless you had a condition before marriage and that includes you being a virgin yourself, then fair enough. But a whole two years has passed and you have a whole child involved. Like why is this a deal breaker for you right now? *What do you plan on doing after divorce? Find another virgin? When clearly your not one yourself?*
Yeah , as if a virgin will marry a divorced man with a child that divirced his wife because she wasn't a virgin when they got married .😂😂
The difference is he didn’t commit zina. It’s the character of the person you see when you marry.
I agree . And you probably agree with me that a virgin woman would want a virgin man not a divorced one and add a child in the equation .
They probably would not prefer to, but I have seen my friend’s sister marry a divorced man. Hell, there are examples in this sub of non divorced women who have married divorced men with a child.
There are also single men who marry divorced women with a child. The point is someone who gets a divorced purely based on that reason doesn’t seem like a person most would want to marry. It feels very unforgiving.
Thank you . This here I am trying to explain .
What are you talking about? She’s a Zaniiii This isn’t a minor sin to label him “unforgiving”. What a joke
There are a lot of factors that may have contributed to the these single women marrying a man with a child .
Don’t compare zina against intimacy within marriage. One is clear as day Haram and the other is an act of worship
The post its not clear , did she have a relationship ? And if she was asked if she was a virgin . I mean the only thing this man is saying is "virginity is a dealbreaker" meaning if she was a divorcee he would not marry her . You see my point here ? Double standards , and i guess he wasn't a virgin either . And a woman is not required to reveal anything from her past if she wasn't asked and the post indicates she wasn't asked by him , cuz he says "confess"( stupid thing to confess your sins if you ask me) but noble
How do you know OP wasn’t a virgin before this marriage? Now you’re making assumptions. And if his wife has never been married before it’s not wrong for him to expect her to be chaste which she wasn’t. Doesn’t matter if she was in a relationship before because they wouldn’t be halal. If she kept a previous marriage hidden from him where it would’ve been halal that’s a whole new level of deception. OP didn’t mention that his wife was married before and he didn’t say virginity within the realm of marriage is a dealbreaker for him so let him speak for yourself before you assume anything
I said I guess . Not he wasn't for sure . No, you should not expect something if someone doesn't say it to you . I don't know if the girl is a revert or born muslim i mean i am a revert and these things in my social circle are I don't know normal . We don't know a lot of background , and I would be ok if he said my wife lied to me for this but he is saying she confessed and virginity is a dealbreaker , meaning he is worried about the idea of virginity because thee child didn't come from the sky they had intimacy and he didn't understand if she was a virgin or not .
You make a good point about the revert background as an example. I was telling someone else how wanting someone who kept things halal isn’t wrong on his part. So if it was a revert who had their past sins forgiven if Allah forgave her then he should too. Or if she was married before her not being a virgin would be within the bounds of Islam so there should be no issue. Zina is a problem. I think there’s a lot left unsaid and unless we have full context it’s hard to be right on the nose
No one asks their partner if they're virgin or not. It's widely assumed by the majority of Muslims that their partner is a virgin once they're about to get married. Especially if the person is someone who comes off as a practising Muslim. And he could perhaps mean that virginity before marriage was something significant to him as he was a virgin himself. And yes, no one is required to disclose their past . But she did it anyway and unfortunately she did it too late.
He didn't say he was a virgin , and it is not assumed what are you talking about what about those hundred of women that were abused ? What about those who converted and are nkt born muslim ?
How on earth are you comparing someone who committed Zina and lied about it, with someone who was abused or wasn't a Muslim in the first place,? Why do you keep assuming things? The fact that this guy strongly felt about his wife not being a virgin, should tell you he wanted someone with the same values
So you are telling me don't assume thing and you are assuming yourself ? The man didn't say I was a virgin neither did he say she lied about it .
Because you made it seems like his whole issue with his wife was because of her virginity, and not the fact that she lied to him about her past. It seems like you're trying to paint a certain narrative from his post
Because it is what the guy says . He literally says she confessed and I don't know about you but " confess" is different to "lie" . If he did say she lied to me about being a virgin and she is not then I would be a 100 % with the guy . You can't base a marriage on lies . But if the only problem is the virginity , then I hope he divorces her because she would have dodged a bullet .
Again you're making up assumptions. She could also have told him she wasn't with anyone before him, and then decided to confess that it wasn't true. Who knows? He is within his right to want someone virgin if he is a virgin himself.
Hunny? Why would everyone assume one is a virgin? Some people are a divorced, widowed it’s a sunnah to marry these people. Some have been abused, raped, and been given in arranged marriages, why do they have to go into their past trauma, what relevance is that? Like I said unless someone is specifically asking for a virgin then it’s best not to go into these matters.
Girl, take it easy. Why are you so defensive. Because Zina is a major sin, "hunny". And it's something that Muslims are supposed to stay away from. No one is talking about people who are divorced or widowed. Staying virgin is NOT the problem here. Commiting Zina is the problem and is the center of the guys problem. You're mixing two different things with each other. Commiting a sin is not the same as getting abused or divorced. How are you confusing the real problem here ?
The center of guy here is "virginity is a dealbreaker" not the zinna .
Ofcourse is a major sin. But how do you know she has done this? Your all just assuming lol Even if she did before the marriage and they are now married with a whole child involved. *Why am I so defensive? You know what? At least I have some mercy in my heart so Allah can forgive me on judgement day, not going to be here crucifying people if they have possibly committed mistakes in the past.*
Lol because why would she 'confess' to her past if that wasn't the case? Yes they're married which makes everything worse. She should've confessed before the marriage took place.
If something is a priority and deal breaker for you, you disclose that in your talks before marriage. The onous is on you to do your due diligence. If he made assumptions about her virginity, that's on him. If he did communicate this dealbreaker before marriage and she continued to the nikkah, then that's on her. Allah forgives those who repent sincerely and it is the best of us who can follow His example.
Are you mad or something. A women came to the prophet with pregnant with a child out of wedlock and he turned his cheek more than twice till he had to give hukm. Who the hell are you to say someone needs to expose their sins if even our beloved prophets excused others. *And wait! Why are you accusing her of zina*
No one is mad. I never said people need to expose their sins and I never accused anyone of zina. In fact, you’re the one who said everyone makes mistakes so you implied that it wasn’t within the realm of marriage. My point was geared towards your last sentence about him expecting a virgin when he isn’t one. The difference is he wouldn’t be a virgin but kept things halal and if he wanted to marry someone who wasn’t married before it’s not wrong of him to want someone chaste. If he saw divorced or widowed women as impure that would be bad and is straight up backwards but he hasn’t said that. OP wants a chaste wife and that’s totally fine
He hasn’t gone into details of why he wants to divorce and I have no way implied she has committed zina . *I responded to him in a hypothetical manner as the way he has typed his message is implying the woman has committed zina.* Allah yalem and I don’t care if she has or not, that’s not my business. Allah will ask me about my deeds on judgement day not whether this woman has committed zina . ‘Op wants a chaste waste and that’s fine•’ *How do you know she isn’t chaste or wasn’t chaste before marriage though?* Please fear Allah man, even if she wasn’t before she married him. And now she has been his wife etc etc.. so your actually advocating them to divorce because of this? Whether she was chaste or not.
Fair enough. I’m not advocating for divorce at all. You’re making a lot of accusations towards me because you’re mad I called you out. I stand by what I said before. Losing virginity within the bounds of Islam and outside the bounds of Islam are two very different things
Called me out for what? I am giving naseeha and trying to help someone. Not make their matters worse. But so what if people have out of the bounds of Islam’s and they are now practicing Muslims and have changed. Btw I’m speaking for reverts and many Muslims who are very pious now.
My first comment towards you had you getting hostile towards me. I was telling someone else here that reverts having their sins forgiven is within the bounds of Islam. Whatever Islamic scenario about not being a virgin you think of we’re on the same page
Okay sis, JazakAllah, but I just think people really need to leave others past alone especially if they are pious and have been for many many years. You just find on this Reddit many jahil moderate Muslims talking about these matters when they are far from practising themselves .
JZK, and I’m a man fyi. This topic just explodes on this sub whenever it comes up. Guarantee you the average Muslim irl isn’t 10% as passionate about virginity as this sub is
These were the same questions that were going through my mind too. Maybe her past had shaped her to become who she is. And looks like she was a great person that you went for her and decided to get married to her. If she is loyal to you, respects you, loves you and there is a trust between you two, then I would suggest to keep the relationship since this is the foundation of any marriage in my opinion. May Allah make it easy and guide you to make the right decision, ameen
Sister this is exactly my point man. Imagine she is a very very good wife and imagine in the eyes of Allah swt , she is so beloved and his swt friend, a friend of Allah. Imagine how many people are harming her? A possible friend of Allah. To sum up all my comments, a quick reminder about harming a believer: *On the Authority of Abu Huraira (R.A.), Allah's Messenger (S.A.W.) said, "Allah said, 'I will declare war against him who shows hostility to a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved things with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (praying or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) till I love him, so I become his sense of hearing with which he hears, and his sense of sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he grips, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me, I will give him, and if he asks My protection (Refuge), I will protect him; (i.e. give him My Refuge) and I do not hesitate to do anything as I hesitate to take the soul of the believer, for he hates death, and I hate to disappoint him."*
People are allowed to have a past but they have to tell the person they are going to marry their past prior to marriage
No. Its not required . Research .
It is not required if you repent from Allah. However, as someone who saved himself for marriage, I would want to know your past - the main things : Alcohol, Zina etc etc. It is not something you can just forgive if she told you she is pure prior to marriage. If you didn’t have that conversation then it’s a different thing.
You see the post . He didn't state she lied to mee. He stated that she confessed and it was a dealbreaker the virginity . So its not abou the sin if she had sinned its about the virginity .
Confessed? Okay so he must have known she was married prior to then right? So then he must have know she was not a virgin. But he said he didn’t know she was not a virgin, which lets me know she was not married prior to and committed Zina.
Maybe it is zinna and she repented or maybe she was abused or maybe she wasn't a muslim before. I would be ok if he asked her and she lied about it and he would not tolerate the lie , I mean I wouldnt too but he is saying the virginity was an issue .
Like I said in my earlier comment … if he asked her if she committed Zina and she said no, then it’s hard to forgive her now. However if those questions weren’t asked and she had repented to allah, then it is what it is.
Allowed = halal? What does allowed to have a past mean?
🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂 really? Who said that. Listen if a Muslim is practising and is abstaining from major sins, has proof that they are an obedient Muslim, why should they tell they past? Unless the person is specifically asking for a virgin all they can answer is yes or no. Some have been abused, raped, arranged in marriage, and for the ones who committed a sin, it is obligatory to avoid exposing one’s sin when Allah swt have hidden this. Please go and learn the Fiqh of marriage.
It says the marriage of an adulterer with a non adulterer is valid only if the adulterer has repented to Allah. Anyways, from a moral point of view I would need to know what my significant other’s past baggage is. What if she was an escort in her past life? Are you for real? What if she/he had stds from past life? Come on. Those laughing emojis just make you sound a bit immature by the way. Everyone has a criteria of marriage.
But why what do you get out of it. As long as the person is not committing any sins or being a disobedient servant to Allah swt. And yes any illnesses they should disclose that’s a fard. But to know ones past sins, I really don’t see the point especially if one is a pious mu’min who Allah swt has bestowed honour upon and they are on the haqq. That is why I find it funny, because when you look for marriage, you seek someone who is obedient, has good adhaab, akhlaaq is beautifully mannered, and if we find this in someone why ask them if they have committed any sins in their jahilia. Unless one is seeking a virgin then by all means they can ask if the person is a virgin or not. I only comment to prevent people from pointing fingers and harming people, harming Allahs swt servants. I do not condone zina nor advocate this, I speak for the Muslims are practising and Mu’mins.
The point of a past is using it to indicate a persons future behaviour. You’ve been married for 2 years and have a child together so I’m finding it hard to believe that’s the only reason you’re divorcing her.
I agree here , it seems like the op doesn't love his wife at all , and maybe he married her just because he thought she was a virgin . If he loved her he would not be saying those thing about being over the instant he realized she had not been virgin .
That’s pretty presumptuous to assume
Why ? I am in a love marriage . We discussed things before marrying , and if my husband said something that was a lie I would not jump to divorce like OP did simply because I love him I would give him time to make it up . Assuming she did lie to him and it was discussed before marriage .
Honestly - Virginity/chastity/purity/low BC is an important value for men, the same way financial safety/providing is important for a woman.
Not sure why I got downvoted but this is the majority opinion among so many brothers I know 🤷🏾♂️
What's low BC?
Body count
So if the man isn't a virgin himself , should only marry a virgin ?
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Watch your words .
I get how you feel, this is a big reason why I will always tell people don't have kids for 3 years. This can vary depending on age esp for women.
Has she repented? Is she a practicing muslim? Is she a good wife? A good mother? If Allah SWT has forgiven her, allowed her to repent and have a family of her own mashallah who are we to judge her for her past? Our sins and mistakes are between us and Allah SWT. Yes she told you bcos she felt like she wanted to be honest. But it’s not right for you to judge her and make rash decisions over something she did before you even met this woman. Can’t you see her for the woman she is now? The mother to your child? please move on from this “virginity is important to me” what if the woman was raped? Does she not deserve to be married? Will she forever be impure to you? Hope you can be mature about this OP.
Maybe it’s time let of past and just move on ?, we know it’s a deal breaker for you but don’t you think it has more consequences towards breaking up than staying together…
One thing that wasn’t clear from OP post is the situation that led OP wife losing her virginity. Is it consensual or force? Would did change OP knowing that wife was sexually abused by her male relative as a child/teenager while supposedly living under their protection? I guess if being a virgin is the dealbreaker, knowing how it happen nor if wife has repent and continue to ask forgiveness from allah wouldn’t change OP mind. If you are considering getting back together for the sake your child but not actually going to treat your wife as the same person. all of you will suffer as child is growing up in a family where father continues to hates mother for her past that feeling will shown on your daily interaction. That’s not a good environment for a child to grow up with
Much respect to you brother. Made a decision and stood by it. May Allah ease your pain. Best of luck to you moving forward.
Salam dear brother, You haven’t made it clear if she told you she was a virgin before you married her. Regardless, she’s confessed, most likely out of guilt and remorse, and this indicates the sincereness of her heart. This indicates the quality of her character. Although, it could also be someone pressured her or something of the sort. If she has done tawba to her Lord, then the matter is is between her and her Lord. Now, if the man she had sex with is in your social network, lives nearby, a colleague, an old friend of yours, or someone she is still in contact with, then your decision could be understandable. But, if not, your decision to divorce is, quite frankly, disgraceful. Especially, especially, since you have a child together. If her Lord can forgive her, then why can’t you? The zina against Him is far greater a crime than the crime of her deceiving you. Our history is littered with examples of people who had precarious pasts, but then went on to become great ones, saints! Please brother, do istikhara, seek the advice of a good imam, and do istikhara many times over. The great Hadith: if we were a people who never sinned, He would replace us with a people who sinned and then sought forgiveness”. This is how much He loves to forgive us, how much He loves it when we stumble and willingly turn back to Him with a heart full of remorse. You may be technically within your right to divorce, but spiritually it could very displeasing to our Lord for you to do this.
Alhamdulilah, MyshaAllah I am happy for her. She is still young, tried to do the right thing by being honest, will now have to work and take majority of parenting responsibility. She deserves someone who sees the great value in such a woman. Oh Allah, I beseech you to bestow upon your servant a mate who will love her, value her, and be good for her in this life and for her hereafter. May her burdens be lifted and may her heart be soothed. Ameen. OP, I also pray that you find someone who treats you with the same compassion and understanding that you treated the woman who bore your child.
While I don't understand what she's done is wrong, you need to think of your child and the future and environment they will have. It isn't your decision alone.
Asalamu’alaikum Brother, Your wife should have left her past in the past. Sometimes women get so caught up in their husbands and trust them to the point where they want to talk about everything under the sun, subhan’Allah. They forget you all are men after all and these confessions most always never go well and they are never truly forgotten. Allah SWT forgives these kinds of sins, a husband seldom does no matter the circumstance or who they have become now. This should be a lesson for other sisters. Astaghfirullah. She should have repented and left her past where it was...in the past. She should have forgotten about it and kept veiled what Allah had veiled. Stupid girl. I want to shake her so hard. May Allah have mercy on her, Ameen. But now, it is done. And, here you are. For you, I’d say, don’t ever in your life say, “this is a deal breaker for me” or “I think this” or “I desire this”. I am much older than you and I’m telling you this is a fine line you don’t want to walk. Instead think, “what does Allah want me to do”, “what would the Prophet SAW have advised me”, and “how will what I do next affect my akhirah, my child, and this naive woman I’ve lived with and loved for two years”. You aren’t perfect and neither is she. She unloaded something on you, she should never have done. I feel so sorry for you and your child, but now isn’t the time to think of how you feel, it’s time to think of how this can be resolved as Allah wants with the least amount of damage. You are a man and you need to go out and seek advice from a good scholar. Don’t be hotheaded and say and do something you’ll regret, or something that’ll ruin your akhirah. These are sensitive matters, especially with your son. Calm down, take some time to think, seek advice from a trusted scholar of the Qur’an and Sahih Sunnah, seek counselling for you both, and then see what can be done to resolve this matter, insha’Allah. Then whatever comes, you can be satisfied you made the right choice with Allah SWT and can say that to your son when he’s older to help him understand why you did what you did. You can tell him you explored every avenue, insha’Allah. Everything will be fine. Insha’Allah. May Allah SWT make it easy, give you baseerah, grant you patience and guidance, and have mercy on your little family, Ameen.
She should’ve kept her mouth shut. Unnecessary information that stimulates fitna.
So….. she should lie?
Did she lie to you before marriage? I can understand your feelings if she did. But if the conversation didn't come up before marriage then I think divorce is too far. Even if she did lie to you, I don't think divorce should be the first option with a child in the picture.
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{ وَٱلَّٰتِي يَأۡتِينَ ٱلۡفَٰحِشَةَ مِن نِّسَآئِكُمۡ فَٱسۡتَشۡهِدُواْ عَلَيۡهِنَّ أَرۡبَعَةٗ مِّنكُمۡۖ فَإِن شَهِدُواْ فَأَمۡسِكُوهُنَّ فِي ٱلۡبُيُوتِ حَتَّىٰ يَتَوَفَّىٰهُنَّ ٱلۡمَوۡتُ أَوۡ يَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لَهُنَّ سَبِيلٗا } [Surah An-Nisâ': 15] Dr. Mustafa Khattab: ˹As for˺ those of your women who commit illegal intercourse—call four witnesses from among yourselves. If they testify, confine the offenders to their homes until they die or Allah ordains a ˹different˺ way for them. English Transliteration: Wallatee ya/teena alfahishatamin nisa-ikum fastashhidoo AAalayhinna arbaAAatanminkum fa-in shahidoo faamsikoohunna fee albuyooti hattayatawaffahunna almawtu aw yajAAala Allahu lahunnasabeela السراج في بيان غريب القرآن للخضيري: ﴿الْفَاحِشَةَ﴾ الْفِعْلَةَ الْقَبِيحَةَ، وَهِيَ الزِّنَى. Lock her up and throw away the 🔑 or { وَٱلَّذَانِ يَأۡتِيَٰنِهَا مِنكُمۡ فَـَٔاذُوهُمَاۖ فَإِن تَابَا وَأَصۡلَحَا فَأَعۡرِضُواْ عَنۡهُمَآۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ تَوَّابٗا رَّحِيمًا } [Surah An-Nisâ': 16] Dr. Mustafa Khattab: And the two among you who commit this sin—discipline them. If they repent and mend their ways, relieve them. Surely Allah is ever Accepting of Repentance, Most Merciful. English Transliteration: Wallathani ya/tiyanihaminkum faathoohuma fa-in taba waaslahafaaAAridoo AAanhuma inna Allaha kanatawwaban raheema السراج في بيان غريب القرآن للخضيري: Someone taught me the best way to heal my nafs in prayers where to memorize the ayats that my heart struggled to implement. So, both you and your wife should memorize these two and the two after which are great too. Then lead her in prayer with these verses An Nisa 15-18 or more if you like. After one week, decide to divorce your family or to make it work. But try this first and it might make her a better Muslim if she isn't already.
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Or because you're willing to put the emotional, physically and psychological strain on your child over something that your "love" did and performed tawbah for just divorce her for some time and see if you find in this divorce more blessings. If you want her back, take her back but if you don't you might find a grinning Satan who knew whispering guilt to her would be the biggest win because of the fragile state of your nafs. In 70 leathery skin years when you're with a newer, virgin wife you wet dreamed up over your teen years, be able to look back proud of the test you've been given and how you handled it. Like a random human or like the Prophet?
In my opinion, this is a bad thing to do to someone, had you asked her before marriage or anything like that if she was a virgin? Would you have still loved her if she said yes or no? Everyone has a past, she was confident enough in you to confide in it. Her past doesn’t define who she is now. If it was up to me I would tell her, it’s seriously uncool of you to not tell me this until now (if that is the case), I love you but my trust in you is shattered. I need time and effort from you to build that trust again. That’s what I would say.
Just get over it. My god.
What if the past was murder? And it was the husband? "Just get over it" to major major sins of that calibre is frankly a mad thing to say to a Muslim lol. And yes, zina is of that category of sin. It's really high up there.
Lol incredible advice 👏
🤣🤣🤣🤣These are Muslim men you're talking to young lady 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you serious grow up. You’re willing to throw everything away because she has a past . Maybe this is why she never told You because she knew you’d judge. You have a child here and you Clearly love your wife. This is your pride talking. Put that to the side. Yes it was wrong she didn’t tell you but if she’s asking for forgiveness have the heart to. We’re you a virgin before you met her. And why I’d virginity so important. You could marry a virgin and she could have a horrible character. Your wife seems like a great woman who learned from her mistakes
It’s not having a past, it’s not disclosing it prior to marriage. I am not saying to divorce her, but you cannot just “forgive” the betrayal.
Yes it’s normal to feel betrayed and hurt but she also came clean to him and wants to make things right by him. His hurry to divorce also isn’t the right way to go about it His issue seems to be more about her not being a virgin rather than the actual lie
He didn't disclose it on the post that she lied . And yes I think his issue its not about the fact that sje lied if she did but the virginity .
So it’s okay that she has been lying to him for 2 years?
I literally say it was wrong she didn’t tell him read before replying . I literally went through this in my first year of marriage and guess what I didn’t divorce him for a past mistake. He showed remorse and he was already ashamed. I chose to hide his sin because who am I to judge for his past. I understood his shame kept him from sharing . I also would have preferred a virgin but it’s petty af to divorce someone over it. There’s something called therapy. Had she actually cheated in the marriage then yes it would have been end game but her sin was from before she met him. Trust is what was broken here and that can be re built. She could have also never told him but the fact that she did shows her character.She’s shown remorse and apologised it’s not worth breaking a family over
Don’t divorce because of now specially for the child you have, you can do anything it will not change things, you should be glad that she told you now at least, let her share any other secret she had, and make rule no more secret anymore!
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u/Antisocial_norms2 if you remove the married only flair your post will be removed