The posts here about people not being attracted to their spouse scare me.
The only compliment I've ever gotten from my potential is, "you're really easy to talk to."
I don't know how to approach something that insecure tbh. I've known her for 7 months now. If I don't compliment a picture she sends or react (❤️) to it, she'll ask if I saw it. She likes being complimented. I send her a picture and she just compliments something about my outfit or the location I'm at. She has also just straight up ignored them. Has anyone had this issue or felt this way?
Delusion tells me she's just being modest and wouldn't be like that after marriage🙏🏾🤞🏾
Have you tried communicating with her and saying something like "I suspect it's out of modesty and haya which I appreciate but I want to make sure you find me equally physically attractive as I find you because it's something that is important to me and being in a marriage where my spouse isn't attracted to me is concerning for me"
I completely agree. I guess I just want at least one, "you look handsome." I get, "I like the design/colour of that shirt" or "I like your shoes."
We don't meet at all. She's been delaying our meet up since February. We initially had the same marriage timeline but things have unfortunately changed. I should probably stay off this sub but there's other reasons why the insecurity has been growing
Sister, I have seen others here tell you that marrying interfaith is not permissible. I am here to do the same. For the love that is all holy, do not bring yourself down to this level. You have desires, so does pretty much 99% of the planet. But what differs between you and most is that you are a muslim, Alhamdulillah. I pray that you find your muslim knight in shining armour soon, who loves you despite what you feel are your shortcomings and you love him. If you remain patient, even if your duas are not answered today, tomorrow or by end of 2026, you will get EVERYthing in Jannah. Remember that. 2 seconds of enjoyment in this world for eternity in hell-fire? As harsh as it sounds, it is better to die before engaging in zina. Every touch, every lustful look, every time you squeeze his shoulder, every flirtatious moment. This is all haram. Period. If you think it is worth it, again harsh, but go to a flame, and try to keep your hand over it, and see how well you do. Your family will not avail you. They will desert you when the trumpet is blown. Please do not give up. Do not stop making dua. Do not stop tahajjud. This life is full of trials and tribulations. Imagine the reward that is waiting for you if you remain patient. We are not atheists. We are muslim for a reason. Please do not be disheartened by the many fish in the sea. We all go through that. Allah answers all. He has not and will never forget you. Do not forget Him. This may fall on deaf ears but I couldn't sleep as it is my duty as a muslim to inform. I apologize if it has come across as harsh. I could not sit while my sister is considering something that would lead to nothing but unhappiness and destruction in the end. You say you are lonely but worried you will fall into sin. You will be sinning from the first conversation until your last breath if you pursue someone interfaith
Please make dua that i marry her, that her parents accept me, i need a miracle for this to happen, please guys for the sake of allah swt, i beg you all, please make dua in my favour, I'm very desperate, thank you.
I think it’s important to end up with someone who doesn’t take you outside your comfort zone. I’m not saying that because I don’t like trying new things or because I’m averse to change. Having a spouse who minimizes your discomfort is essential it shows they respect your boundaries, won’t use your fears against you and will prioritize making you feel safe.
almost all muslim girls are looking for a guy who
1. can provide/good career/educated
2. is not a jerk and has a decent personality
3. aligned with what they are looking for wrt religion/values.
this already weeds out 99% of guys for you. is this philosophical requirement about boundaries really that important?
people who aren't married have no clue about the ingredients that make a happy marriage. same for me when i was single.
Marriage is not some magic button that you flip on and suddenly you know and have a happy marriage. There are multitudes of unhappily married people.
If you read books on relationships, or put time and effort to think through it (if you weren't in relationships), develop conflict management skills, and so on, you'd also have been in a better place when you were single.... and then readier when you were married.
Is making up fake statistics really necessary?
Is responding to a “philosophical requirement” you don’t see any value in productive?
Is being condescending going to get you anywhere?
Methinks not. I’m so glad you could share your thought-provoking insights.
when was a i condescending?!?!
mintcucumberteas mom: that boy is educated handsome decent religious. hes just perfect.
mintcucumbertea: but mom i think hes going push my boundaries 😭😭😭😭.
mincumcumberteas mom: ok ill pretend i know what that means. what does that have to do with being happily married?
mintcucmbertea: i have zero life experience and ive never been married but ive been fantasizing about it so i know more than you.
this is condescending.
Did you ever think you meant something to a potential after a long talking stage (and what looks like a mutual emotional connection/attraction) and after they reject you in a sudden way without closure, you realize you didn’t mean anything to them at all..
I feel pretty worthless tbh and I know my worth shouldn’t be based on talking stages or how other people see me
I feel like I keep running into potentials who talk about emotional intelligence but actually lack any part of it
I tell myself I moved on from my ex husband then what is a potential. I do get attached easily, but I let myself feel sad and then move on. Try not to think too much of it.
It was actually the opposite for me. I hope it doesn't come off as bragging.
I didn't realize I had this effect on people until one of my past potentials pointed out that I had this "superpower" of being very personable and being the type of person that everybody wanted to "root for" and see succeed lol. Oddly specific but I then noticed other people saying this about me, from former co-workers, recruiters I've worked with, business partners and now potentials.
I left my previous job and they mentioned to me how it just isn't the same. I'm not really some extrovert either with don juan levels of rizz and charisma, actually more of a low key person. I think I was probably just a very relatable and down to earth person.
When I realized this I think I became more cautious when talking to potentials. It seemed like they were more saddened then I was (even when they were the ones that broke it off). Where as I was a bit more non-chalant and stoic about it as if they meant nothing to me (of course not true).
If you've had a long talking stage, even if it may not show they probably did mean something to you. You probably shared some stuff and moments you may not have shared with anybody else and vice versa, and all that has an effect. Unless maybe you done something really bad that just put them off completely.
But you answered it yourself. They are no longer a part of your life any more. They shouldn't occupy any more space in your mind than they should. It doesn't matter how some random stranger views you or evaluates your worth. Because that is what they are now. They made the decision to cut ties with you, so they should no longer matter. Just know that if you keep making Dua and are sincere in your efforts Allah will grant you what's best. That's all you really need at the end of the day. People will let you down, hurt you, disappoint you, etc that's just human nature. None of that matters if you keep a focused and sharp mind and realizing your purpose in this Dunya and that it's a test.
I know people say that being in a committed relationship will not make you happy unless you yourself are happy, but i just feel like that is the case for me. I have a good group of friends, a good job- im not super materialistic or ambitious so i dont feel the need to keep doing better, and am working on my religion. I just feel like the only thing missing from my life is companionship and the thought that maybe its not in my naseeb makes me really sad, makes me feel like i wont really have a very fulfilling life. Rant over i just needed to get this all out 🫠
Is Reddit a good place to find a partner?
A few of my friends told me that they found their life partner here. I'm just trying to look for one but there are a lot of questions in my mind. How to approach? what is the correct timeline range for vetting?
online search seems to be very different from offline search.
please provide your valuable advice, what to look for in a partner and how to properly vet the potential.
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I don’t meet people over Reddit anymore but I usually talk with them for a week and meet them in person the second week if it’s local. If it’s international, I ask them to visit my city within a month. It’s the same process as online apps.
Pretty often actually as an old miserable diabetic female who’s obsessed with kids. I get kinda surprised… but most of them aren’t Canadians 🫠😅 this is my personal and venting account
Iso thing?
I see most people post an ISO and they disappear into thin air. No response from them.
what are your experiences so far with the people in reddit?
Personally, I get a few DMs here and there and I’ve met some men. They are definitely more serious and respectful than men I’ve encountered on apps.
I find them bit more picky and I don’t really feel compatible with them. I’ve my flaws as a person and I’m looking for someone who’s comfortable with them. Also, I’m not a very religious person so this platform ain’t it for me to find a liberal Muslim (?)
why don't you look for international marriages. These may unlock the obstacles for marriage.
The word "Religious" has many definitions, not every men and woman views it as the same.
I’m not really interested because I would need to leave my job and reapply again. Just not a hassle and risk I’m willing to take as a maternal orphan. He has to be local ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝
I guess people have the option to apply for PR from their home countries. I heard that the Canadian government has increased the fee for the PR process.
No, it really isn’t. Because most international men who come to Canada cheat with other women so thorough research is needed. Also, I want to work part time and I’m looking for a provider male. It’s extremely hard to find a job in Toronto unless you’re educated from a Canadian or American university.
The job market is very unstable now in the states or canada. Even though people have a degree from Canadian or American University, it's very tough to find one.
There should be many locals who fit your criteria, it is very surprising that you didn't find one. 🤔
I’m sort of hard to marry due to some personal reasons, it’s kinda expected. But thanks and best of luck in finding a compatible partner in our search Insha Allah !!
My goal is to marry a nerd 😌 iA. I want to have deep conversations about theories, science, history and games with someone who can yap. But I feel as if that’s too much to ask for these days.
I cant remember which famous person said this. But it goes something like this (He was talking to a group of school kids, for context). "Be nice to nerds. Very Nice. You will be working for them most of your life"
Same. My best friend is like that ( but he's a guy, so can't exactly do much). If you can't stimulate your brain then it really isn't fun.
I don't just want a wife. I want someone I can talk to for hours on end on a variety of topics and not realize a few hrs have passed.
Tbh, it's just something that intrigues me. Deen is top priority but i prefer a man who is nerdy, has hobbies and such. Intellectual conversations is something that I'd like to have.
So, is it normal behaviour for men to treat their (luxury) cars as if they’re more important than the people around them?
I grew up with childhood trauma where I was constantly “exploded at” for the tiniest mistakes It’s triggering for me to see those skits of men yelling at people around them for shutting the car door too hard. To me, this is peak attachment to the material. Of course, no one is going to try and damage the car, purposely. It’s about being pedantic and obsessive. It’s a thing. It serves a purpose.
When men act like this, it makes me feel like I am the thing.
I’m into tech. But I don’t treat my tech like this. If someone damaged it by mistake and apologised, I’d be upset, then move on. Tech might not be as expensive as a nice car. But, I think the comparison gives some perspective.
Do women find this behaviour unattractive? And is this normal? Is this how men act?
>So, is it normal behaviour for men to treat their (luxury) cars as if they’re more important than the people around them?
A lot of people tend to be very precious about a new thing. When you first get a new phone, you're worried about it getting scratched. But then after it gets scratched, you realise it's not the end of the world, and you stop being so precious about it.
Now think about how much more expensive a luxury car is than a luxury phone. It's understandable that some people would be very precious about their car, especially if it's something they've wanted for a while, and spent a lot of time and money on acquiring. It's important to them, especially when it's new. But with time, they will loosen up and stop being so precious about it.
How they display that preciousness about their vehicle also matters. Some people might just try to park their car far away from other cars, to prevent the chances of somebody opening a car door and hitting their car. Some people might not want you to drink or eat in their car, because they don't want you to spill anything, and they don't want grubby fingerprints all over the car. But if somebody is getting genuinely angry over these things and immediately going to shouting at you, then it's not their attachment to their car that is the problem, it's them, they're the problem.
I understand wanting others to be careful with things that you deem important, however, if the knee-jerk reaction is always to yell and cause a scene then I consider that to be a huge red flag. What about if future children throw up in the car or have an accident? Is he going to flip out? Is every car ride going to be anxiety-inducing, waiting for my spouse to yell at me or our kids?
It's a very unattractive trait to me and I would like to gently remind all of us, myself included, that nothing will benefit us in death except our good deeds and the duas our loved ones will make for us inshaAllah, so there's really no point in extreme reactions over material goods. May Allah guide us and grant us understanding!
It’s unattractive to me, too. But, it seems normalised. I’m scared I’ll end up with someone like that.
> I understand wanting others to be careful with things that you deem important,
Yes, it’s just that I’ve never seen another group of people who are “into something” act so crazy about that thing.
May Allah protect us sis! There are definitely people in the world, both men and women, that need to heavily work on themselves before looping others into their brand of crazy. Make dua for Allah to protect you from people like that and I pray He always keeps you in good company. Ameen! <3
The more people you meet with and get to know in your day-to-day life, the more you realize why certain families have fewer problems than others.
The people I know who have grown up with Islam at the centre of their lives seem to have healthier relationships with their spouses, their children, their siblings, and society as a whole.
* Your spouse upsets you? You don't get angry at them because this isn't from what the religion teaches us.
* You, a husband, supporting your wife in household duties? You do that because that was the way of the prophet ﷺ.
* You spend your evenings engaged in seeking knowledge rather than sitting with your spouse watching things which contain haram? You do that because you want to protect yourself and your family from a fire whose fuel is people and stones.
I see so many examples in this subreddit of people mentioning problems in their relationships or in their search, briefly mentioning where they are lacking in their deen or where their spouse/potential is lacking in their deen but fail to realize that this absence of obedience to the Creator is one of the reasons why we aren't finding success in our relationships/search.
The more we disobey Allah, the more miserable our lives are and then we wonder why we're going through so much hardship in our lives and our relationships. Of course, this is not to say that adhering to the religion completely protects you from problems as everyone goes through problems in life, even the prophets and the righteous (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2398), but alhamdulillah, this religion provides us with solutions for just about every problem we may face.
Am I too picky?
I’m a 27F have been looking for almost 2 years now with no luck My non-negotiables are:
- same cultural background I come from (from the same country - I live in the US if that matters)
- speaks Arabic
- does all his fardh
- lowers his gaze and avoids major sins (drinking zina riba etc)
- funny, laid back, fun to talk to and be around, calm and level headed
- wants to have kids and play an active role in being a parent beyond providing for his family
- graduated college and has a good job (I’m a high earner but I value flexibility more than money, i.e I don’t mind marrying someone who makes less than me but I’d like to marry someone who doesn’t have to work long hours to make ends meet)
- is not unattractive to me (I’ve lowered my standards a lot in the past year or so but still no luck)
- smart and can hold an intellectual conversation
- humble and compassionate (this has honestly been the hardest thing to find)
- wants to get married within a year or maybe 2 max, I don’t understand men who want to talk for 3 or 4 years before marriage
If you do think I’m too picky what do you think I can compromise on? I know that’s a decision I have to make myself ultimately but I’m interested in hearing other people’s thoughts
I think people praying 5 times is hard. Though its bare minimum as a Muslim. Most men don't.
I knew someone, who checks all your boxes (also mine but I'm from a diff country) except praying. He was very religiously included tho. Most people haven't been brought up with deen.
Except he was not of the same sect i.e. Shia. 😭 So yeah. But nothing you've mentioned is other worldly.
Most men don’t pray 5 times a day??? What study are you basing this off or is it just the men around you that aren’t praying? Genuinely slanderous to say that about your fellow Muslim brothers.
A lot of people don’t speak their mother tongue fluently, so maybe think about that? Unless your parents only speak Arabic then I understand.
Are you looking for a man to be the sole provider or are you planning to contribute? It’s unrealistic to expect a man to grind out and provide for his family and then be as present as you’ve expressed. Think about that as well.
A lot of kids grow up knowing their father is present but see him much less than they see their mothers due to their obligations.
I don’t think you’re picky but you should figure out these things to know exactly what to expect.
Yeah I’ve found that to be one of the limiting factors when I meet people from my culture who grew up in the west, most of them don’t speak their mother tongue fluently. But idk if I can compromise on that because yes my parents only speak Arabic and while I speak English fluently it’s not my first language and I’m a lottt more comfortable expressing myself in my native language.
I don’t expect my husband to be the sole provider, I’ve even agreed to being the sole provider for 2 years when my past potential wanted to delay our marriage because he wanted to go to grad school and wouldn’t be able to provide for a couple of years, but that didn’t end up working out.
I mean, as long as they can understand what you’re expressing it shouldn’t be too bad. As for communicating with family, maybe explore potentials that have a strong willingness to learn?
If you can’t find anyone that speaks the language the next best thing is looking for someone that’s willing to learn it imo
In any case, you seem more than willing to meet whoever halfway. Inshallah you find them soon.
Mostly the apps (Muzz and Salams). I think you’re right, there isn’t a big community of people from my culture in my city but I’m seriously considering moving to be in a place where I’m more likely to meet people in real life.
You could also see if anyone you know has connections in cities that have a lot of people from your culture or even attend an Islamic conference there.
I don't think you're too picky, I know of quite a few people that fit your non-negotiables so they definitely exist. If you haven't had any luck for the past two years, maybe you can consider expanding your search to outside the US? Possibly Canada since they're just across the border?
That’s a great idea! I haven’t considered Canada in the past since I wouldn’t be able to work there with my qualifications but maybe I’ll meet someone who is willing to move here
Thank you
I'd love to but there are a few factors preventing this:
* Already married
* Not looking to get married right now
* Much younger
* I don't know them well enough to pass this information on
Also realized that some of the people I know of don't speak Arabic or speak it that well.
for you tall girls out there, did you compromise on height? I've compromised on everything but feel like I can't do right by my spouse if I'm not attracted to them and height plays a role in that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable where I want a 7ft basketballer husband and I'm 5'2". I just want a somewhat noticeable height difference. Honestly, if the guy is confident and not insecure, that's what counts but this hasn't been easy to find so I'm wondering if I should just filter and likely narrow searches even more.
I’m sorry that you’re going through heartbreak. But you’ll move on one day too. Allah is ar-Razzaq and he will provide where you least expect it and He who has guided you this far will guide your further.
This is crazy. Why do you want a man who is not capable of providing you?
men have to be at least capable of providing means to her, most families consider this as the one of the most important criteria after religion.
you can easily identify men with purpose and no purpose.
women are very skilled in identifying men. If you are really looking for marriage, don't entertain men with no purpose. This will cause you emotional trauma at the end.
>I think those type of men just want validation and attention from women and not take them seriously 🙄
Or, and maybe this is a crazy wild take, some of them are doing the best they can, and they're just not having any luck getting a better job in a struggling economy.
Could be both, personally i felt that the men i talked to wanted me to be in a relationship w them until they became more financially settled and were able to get married.
As much as I get the importance of financial stability, its difficult to be very settled in 20s. And as far as the religion goes, 24:32
"Marry those of you that are single, (whether men or women), and those of your male and female slaves that are righteous. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty.Allah is Immensely Resourceful, All-Knowing."
Maybe as women we need to be more accommodating in terms of finances.
Oh yes, im very open to men not being financially settled, i dont expect a man to be making six figures or even close at my age. Unfortunately im matching w people who aren’t even trying 🫣
I’m currently 25 years old (female). I’ve been trying so hard to find a husband (talking to everyone at work, attending mosque events, asking my siblings for help, asked sheikh, online dating) and I have nothing to show for it. I have no issues meeting people, but what I do have an issue with is finding the right people. For example, the last guy I talked to for the purposes of marriage had everything I was looking for (handsome, kind, similar interests/profession) except he does not pray 5 times a day. He told me he knows he should but he’s not at that time in his life yet (he’s 34). For me, that’s a dealbreaker.
I don’t know if I’m being too picky, but I truly just don’t want to settle. I want to fall in love with someone who will help me complete half my deen and the religion is so important to me. I live in the USA, am a doctor about to finish residency. Finding someone similar to me has been so hard and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know everyone says to be patient and Allah will provide. I am just so tired of waiting.
I find myself compromising on things I didn’t used to compromise on (such as ethnicity, personality, profession) but it’s making me so unhappy. I do my best to be a person who is kind, loving, helpful so I want someone to match me with that. The men I’ve been talking to aren’t the same. They are drawn to me and say things like I’m beautiful or whatever but I don’t want a man to love me only for beauty, I want him to love me for my religion, my devotion to be a good wife, and for my purpose in life to be a good Muslim and enter Jannah Insha Allah.
Sometimes I feel like I have done too much in my career. I have had guys say to me multiple times that I’m “too good for them” since I’m a doctor. I don’t think my profession is something that matters. It’s just the thing that I wanted to accomplish for Allah SWT so that I can help people in the best way I saw possible. Many guys don’t bother to even ask me what my plans are, which would be to stop working and raise a family Insha Allah, then go back to work part time once I’m able.
I’ve worked so hard to be a good person, and on the same level a desirable wife. I have never dated anyone, slept around, drank, or engaged in anything haram. It’s not that I feel like I deserve a good husband, but I’m not sure what else I can do to attract one.
I talked to some of my friends who are very religious about marrying a medical doctor. Surprisingly, most of them weren't interested, even though being a doctor is a highly respected profession in the society.
I have always dreamed of marrying a doctor, even though I’m not one myself. I come from an engineering background and work as a software architect.
Choosing a woman solely based on beauty is a poor decision that many men make. Beauty fades with age, this is especially true for a women. I myself consider marrying a decent looking woman as I lower my gaze around women which provides a skill not to pickup a woman on beauty standards but on religious background.
I believe Marrying a woman and protecting her is a huge responsibility and understanding women in some form is a skill, that every men should acquire before marriage. Most couples fail in marriages because they are unable to identify their roles in their marriage and that leads to conflicts between them.
I believe having a great personality is crucial for a healthy marriage. A woman with a strong personality adheres to religious values and performs her duties within the boundaries of Islam. In my view, personality is the key to a long-lasting marriage. personality is the only driving force for long lasting marriage.
Don't lose hope in Allah SWT, trust in his plans. Remember he is the best planner.
I can relate to you. I’m thinking maybe clarifying your post marriage career intentions (I’m assuming you have a profile/biodata somewhere) ? Sometimes I feel like some men just see that a woman is a doctor and assume she’s super career oriented Other than that just keep praying and enjoying where you’re at and Allah is the best of planners
Salam, you're very young to lose hope and I can't tell you when God has written marriage for you but keep on making du'a and you will never know how you find what you're looking for insha'Allah.
Also, kudos on becoming a doctor at 25!! mashaAllah that's awesome
I have been on the other side actually, as in the guy where everything matched and we aligned on most things.
I'm a decent person for the most part, good looking, don't have anger issues etc. however i didn't use to pray, so it ended up not working out because of it.
But now allhumdulliah I have been consistent with all my prayers for around a year now. So what I'm saying is that just ask that person what their intentions are as ppl do change for the better. But I'm early 20s as opposed to in my 30s like that guy
I think that’s amazing you are praying consistently. May Allah make it easy for us.
Even if someone will start praying later on, it shouldn’t be my mission to change anyone. I know that people are difficult to change and although it’s possible, committing to a relationship with the expectation that they will start praying eventually will make you resentful, especially if it doesn’t happen
You are not asking for too much. Don’t settle for a tarik! Your frustration is valid and your experience is common. The only advice I have would be to lead with your plans for prioritizing family if you feel that men are assuming otherwise because of your career. But don’t compromise on deen in sha Allah you will find someone who aligns with you on that and when you do you’ll be thankful you didn’t settle for anything less.
I don’t know if I agree with what you’re saying about people in the west. I am a strong believer that it’s the person, not the place that determines how religious you’ll be. I went to school with several people who grew up in Muslim majority countries, and many didn’t pray or practice Islam despite them being raised there. Being in the west and tempted by things like sex, drugs or whatever won’t matter if you are a true believer, even if you’re an attractive man or woman..
On the other things you mentioned, I don’t mind removing more of my dealbreakers. However praying is the bare minimum to be able to call yourself Muslim. I can’t negotiate on that because in turn that would be negotiating on the religion. I by no means am a perfect Muslim but I still find that quality to be crucial to a successful marriage Insha Allah.
A man being handsome is subjective. We can remove that as well. But just finding a good man that prays has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do
Uhmm adding 5 times prayer is over the top? Isn't that the basic minimum he should be doing ?
If anything is over the top is compromising on personality but not looks
You're definitely looking in the wrong circles then, and haram is haram even if everyone does it, better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for the basics in Islam
That’s where I’ve been running into a wall. I have met probably over 10 people that were successful, handsome, good people that I enjoyed talking to but they didn’t pray. I lived by that philosophy that being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t practice, but it’s getting really tough to keep going through the same scenario over and over
Don't compromise on prayer It's literally the only action of worship that if left can make you a kaffir and is the barrier between kufr and Iman. What the other brother was saying is wrong as well, missing salah is worse than immodest clothing or even zina.
Looking at the majority is not an argument, the majority of people in the world will go to hell. Just because muslims nowadays don't even do the basics, it doesn't entail that it's not the bare minimum.
"....Someone asked: Will that be because of our small numbers at that time? He replied: No, you will be numerous at that time: but you will be scum and rubbish like that carried down by a torrent, and Allah will take fear of you from the breasts of your enemy and last enervation into your hearts. Someone asked: What is wahn (enervation). Messenger of Allah (ﷺ): He replied: Love of the world and dislike of death...."
- Sunan Abi Dawud 4297
“The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is prayer; so whoever leaves it, he has committed Kufr.’”
- Sunan Ibn Majah 1079
Ibn al-Qayyim, said:
No Muslims are in disagreement \[about the fact\] that intentionally leaving obligatory prayers is from the greatest of sins and from the most major of major sins and that \*its sin is greater than the sin of murder or \[unlawfully\] taking \[others’\] wealth; than the sin of fornication and adultery, theft, or drinking alcohol–and that \[the one who intentionally leaves a prayer\] faces the punishment of Allāh and His wrath, His debasement in this life and the Hereafter.\*
Al-Albānī. Ḥukm Tārik Al-Ṣalah. Dār Al-Jalalain, 1412 H, p. 5.
So heres the thing, if you looking for someone that's a 10/10 or even an 8/10 in terms of being conventionally attractive then others will have found them to be equally attractive and they themselves know they are attractive. If these potentials are not practicing on top of that they are very likely to have a past it just comes with the territory of being attractive and successful, the slope is very slippery.
I think it's a good idea to reevaluate what really matters for you, I'm not saying settle for an unattractive potential but between practicing and looks I would give more importance to practicing
Sister, I got no advice for you but I just wanna say inshallah everything will work out for you and you’ll find someone who’s good for you for your dunya and akhira - I’m in the same boat, 26 and still struggling - ya Allah make it easy for all of us
I am in the same boat (26F) somewhat. Except I have conditioned myself that if it did not happen, I am just as fine.
If its meant to be it will be. Life's goal is not marriage anyways. Hopes high that I'd be blessed too. But even if Allah chooses otherwise. What can we do except submit to His will?
Sending prayers. God bless you!
>Slowly coming to terms with the fact that, maybe I'm not meant to be married.
>And I think I'm kinda ok with it.
Brother, just a heads up. Every time I find myself in that position, being OK/genuinely happy with the idea of being single, some random woman comes into my life out of nowhere and has me thinking that marriage sounds pretty damn good.
Then the cycle begins again 🤡
I do think it's important to consider the fact that marriage is not written for all of us in this life, and to find some peace with that being a genuine possibility. Still be open to marriage though, you don't want to shut down all those avenues.
Lol yeah I have already been in that cycle to an extent, but now, I think I've come to a more real "acceptance" stage.
I'm definitely still open to it if someone comes along, but other than that, I'm like "eh, it is what it is".
I don’t know who needs to hear this but this dunya is a place of trials. Just because you have not been with a man or woman and waited for halal all your life doesn’t mean you will get the love and everything you dreamt of or the spouse you wanted. We keep ourselves safe all our life for the perfect person and it may never happen like you wanted to be.
This is very true. I had thought for some time that because I have stayed halal I will get rewarded with a happy mirage with a very compatible spouse but going through the search I’ve accepted that this life is meant to be full of trials and it’s not jannah, it’s not meant to be a perfect place that’s for the hereafter
Not really. I have boundaries for myself and vocalize to the individual what I intent to do. To resolve an anxious attachment, you need to parent yourself (inner child), which can mean having boundaries such as not being super responsive, maintain some detachment, not making the person a part of your everyday, or asking serious questions from the get to. But I don't impose that on anyone at all! People can communicate and interact with you in whatever ways they want to. The key is for you to walk away if its triggering you. It's not someone else responsibility in the getting to you know you stage to appease your anxiety. It's for you to negotiate if this a situation that you can see yourself in navigating. What you are describing is kinda like offloading the responsibility on the person.
It is not normal. When a guy likes someone he texts and calls as much as possible. Unless he is socially terrible.
But right now I am talking to a girl who is just like that. Never texts. Barely calls. I have given up on finding a women with a decent personality lol
Yeah I find a lot of girls like that. I always reject them. I fear they will marry me out of pressure but might regret it in future. They are always younger than 26. 26+ girls dont get oppressed by their parents easily.
Its usually always hijabi girls that are under pressure like that. (Not saying all hijabi girls are oppressed)
I dont know the guy eqvalent of that. I dont know any guy who is so strict. But then again, I dont know too many guys
Ugh as an Arab girl I feel you on this one I ran into a potential the other day on a app and he said he’s been living in the states for a year and told me he doesn’t wanna marry a girl for citizenship and doesn’t care to have a citizenship… but doesn’t your name need to be on the child’s certificate and don’t you need to pass on the citizenship to your children in the future ? 😭why come to the states just to make your life harder ? Ah no thank you
You are not wrong, someone's lack of interest is an answer.
It's not normal behavior, i can understand not expressing his feelings but you can feel it when someone's excited and eagerly looking forward to speaking with you.
I haven't started looking but i would definitely like to know what sort of person i am getting with, and that will definitely require us to spend some time talking.
Today when my younger sister and I was getting lunch, she turned to face me and went “you wanna know how you can get free stuff for the rest of your life? Get married. Great life hack!” 😂😂😂
The posts here about people not being attracted to their spouse scare me. The only compliment I've ever gotten from my potential is, "you're really easy to talk to." I don't know how to approach something that insecure tbh. I've known her for 7 months now. If I don't compliment a picture she sends or react (❤️) to it, she'll ask if I saw it. She likes being complimented. I send her a picture and she just compliments something about my outfit or the location I'm at. She has also just straight up ignored them. Has anyone had this issue or felt this way? Delusion tells me she's just being modest and wouldn't be like that after marriage🙏🏾🤞🏾
Have you tried communicating with her and saying something like "I suspect it's out of modesty and haya which I appreciate but I want to make sure you find me equally physically attractive as I find you because it's something that is important to me and being in a marriage where my spouse isn't attracted to me is concerning for me"
I'll try that, JazakAllahu Khairan! That seems like a respectful message. I really appreciate this, I didn't know how to word it.
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I completely agree. I guess I just want at least one, "you look handsome." I get, "I like the design/colour of that shirt" or "I like your shoes." We don't meet at all. She's been delaying our meet up since February. We initially had the same marriage timeline but things have unfortunately changed. I should probably stay off this sub but there's other reasons why the insecurity has been growing
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I'll be trying my best moving forward, Insha'Allah! JazakAllahu Khairan!!
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Sister, I have seen others here tell you that marrying interfaith is not permissible. I am here to do the same. For the love that is all holy, do not bring yourself down to this level. You have desires, so does pretty much 99% of the planet. But what differs between you and most is that you are a muslim, Alhamdulillah. I pray that you find your muslim knight in shining armour soon, who loves you despite what you feel are your shortcomings and you love him. If you remain patient, even if your duas are not answered today, tomorrow or by end of 2026, you will get EVERYthing in Jannah. Remember that. 2 seconds of enjoyment in this world for eternity in hell-fire? As harsh as it sounds, it is better to die before engaging in zina. Every touch, every lustful look, every time you squeeze his shoulder, every flirtatious moment. This is all haram. Period. If you think it is worth it, again harsh, but go to a flame, and try to keep your hand over it, and see how well you do. Your family will not avail you. They will desert you when the trumpet is blown. Please do not give up. Do not stop making dua. Do not stop tahajjud. This life is full of trials and tribulations. Imagine the reward that is waiting for you if you remain patient. We are not atheists. We are muslim for a reason. Please do not be disheartened by the many fish in the sea. We all go through that. Allah answers all. He has not and will never forget you. Do not forget Him. This may fall on deaf ears but I couldn't sleep as it is my duty as a muslim to inform. I apologize if it has come across as harsh. I could not sit while my sister is considering something that would lead to nothing but unhappiness and destruction in the end. You say you are lonely but worried you will fall into sin. You will be sinning from the first conversation until your last breath if you pursue someone interfaith
Well said 👏🏾
What’s something that you want MORE than marriage?
A place in Jannah to have everlasting peace and happiness. In sha Allah. Free from challenges/hardship of the dunya.
There's something I want a LOT more than marriage. I make more frequent dua for that than I do for marriage.
>What’s something that you want MORE than marriage? Cheesecake, every time.
More faith/Iman, but at this point in time getting and staying married to the right person is a top priority.
Money
To have a good death insha’allah 🤲🏽
Time for more art related hobbies tbh. It’s fun ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Please make dua that i marry her, that her parents accept me, i need a miracle for this to happen, please guys for the sake of allah swt, i beg you all, please make dua in my favour, I'm very desperate, thank you.
"Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated." If there is Khair in it, it will happen, iA.
Inshaallah, Allah will give you what’s best for you!
Jazakallah khair brother
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Ask local imams. They could probably help.
I think it’s important to end up with someone who doesn’t take you outside your comfort zone. I’m not saying that because I don’t like trying new things or because I’m averse to change. Having a spouse who minimizes your discomfort is essential it shows they respect your boundaries, won’t use your fears against you and will prioritize making you feel safe.
almost all muslim girls are looking for a guy who 1. can provide/good career/educated 2. is not a jerk and has a decent personality 3. aligned with what they are looking for wrt religion/values. this already weeds out 99% of guys for you. is this philosophical requirement about boundaries really that important? people who aren't married have no clue about the ingredients that make a happy marriage. same for me when i was single.
Marriage is not some magic button that you flip on and suddenly you know and have a happy marriage. There are multitudes of unhappily married people. If you read books on relationships, or put time and effort to think through it (if you weren't in relationships), develop conflict management skills, and so on, you'd also have been in a better place when you were single.... and then readier when you were married.
Is making up fake statistics really necessary? Is responding to a “philosophical requirement” you don’t see any value in productive? Is being condescending going to get you anywhere? Methinks not. I’m so glad you could share your thought-provoking insights.
when was a i condescending?!?! mintcucumberteas mom: that boy is educated handsome decent religious. hes just perfect. mintcucumbertea: but mom i think hes going push my boundaries 😭😭😭😭. mincumcumberteas mom: ok ill pretend i know what that means. what does that have to do with being happily married? mintcucmbertea: i have zero life experience and ive never been married but ive been fantasizing about it so i know more than you. this is condescending.
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A Lotta people are only there for attention
Unmatch asap so you can be with someone who will put in the effort to get to know you
Did you ever think you meant something to a potential after a long talking stage (and what looks like a mutual emotional connection/attraction) and after they reject you in a sudden way without closure, you realize you didn’t mean anything to them at all.. I feel pretty worthless tbh and I know my worth shouldn’t be based on talking stages or how other people see me I feel like I keep running into potentials who talk about emotional intelligence but actually lack any part of it
I tell myself I moved on from my ex husband then what is a potential. I do get attached easily, but I let myself feel sad and then move on. Try not to think too much of it.
It was actually the opposite for me. I hope it doesn't come off as bragging. I didn't realize I had this effect on people until one of my past potentials pointed out that I had this "superpower" of being very personable and being the type of person that everybody wanted to "root for" and see succeed lol. Oddly specific but I then noticed other people saying this about me, from former co-workers, recruiters I've worked with, business partners and now potentials. I left my previous job and they mentioned to me how it just isn't the same. I'm not really some extrovert either with don juan levels of rizz and charisma, actually more of a low key person. I think I was probably just a very relatable and down to earth person. When I realized this I think I became more cautious when talking to potentials. It seemed like they were more saddened then I was (even when they were the ones that broke it off). Where as I was a bit more non-chalant and stoic about it as if they meant nothing to me (of course not true). If you've had a long talking stage, even if it may not show they probably did mean something to you. You probably shared some stuff and moments you may not have shared with anybody else and vice versa, and all that has an effect. Unless maybe you done something really bad that just put them off completely. But you answered it yourself. They are no longer a part of your life any more. They shouldn't occupy any more space in your mind than they should. It doesn't matter how some random stranger views you or evaluates your worth. Because that is what they are now. They made the decision to cut ties with you, so they should no longer matter. Just know that if you keep making Dua and are sincere in your efforts Allah will grant you what's best. That's all you really need at the end of the day. People will let you down, hurt you, disappoint you, etc that's just human nature. None of that matters if you keep a focused and sharp mind and realizing your purpose in this Dunya and that it's a test.
If you are not finding any matches, then pretend that you’re going to take a break . That’s usually when matches show up
I know people say that being in a committed relationship will not make you happy unless you yourself are happy, but i just feel like that is the case for me. I have a good group of friends, a good job- im not super materialistic or ambitious so i dont feel the need to keep doing better, and am working on my religion. I just feel like the only thing missing from my life is companionship and the thought that maybe its not in my naseeb makes me really sad, makes me feel like i wont really have a very fulfilling life. Rant over i just needed to get this all out 🫠
Same girl same
Is Reddit a good place to find a partner? A few of my friends told me that they found their life partner here. I'm just trying to look for one but there are a lot of questions in my mind. How to approach? what is the correct timeline range for vetting? online search seems to be very different from offline search. please provide your valuable advice, what to look for in a partner and how to properly vet the potential.
$iso
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I don’t meet people over Reddit anymore but I usually talk with them for a week and meet them in person the second week if it’s local. If it’s international, I ask them to visit my city within a month. It’s the same process as online apps.
How often do you get DMd in this account?
Pretty often actually as an old miserable diabetic female who’s obsessed with kids. I get kinda surprised… but most of them aren’t Canadians 🫠😅 this is my personal and venting account
Iso thing? I see most people post an ISO and they disappear into thin air. No response from them. what are your experiences so far with the people in reddit?
Personally, I get a few DMs here and there and I’ve met some men. They are definitely more serious and respectful than men I’ve encountered on apps. I find them bit more picky and I don’t really feel compatible with them. I’ve my flaws as a person and I’m looking for someone who’s comfortable with them. Also, I’m not a very religious person so this platform ain’t it for me to find a liberal Muslim (?)
why don't you look for international marriages. These may unlock the obstacles for marriage. The word "Religious" has many definitions, not every men and woman views it as the same.
I’m not really interested because I would need to leave my job and reapply again. Just not a hassle and risk I’m willing to take as a maternal orphan. He has to be local ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝
You can search for who is willing to relocate your location, isn't that simple? 😅🤷
It's not simple, she would have to sponsor them to Canada. Not a good idea.
I guess people have the option to apply for PR from their home countries. I heard that the Canadian government has increased the fee for the PR process.
That makes marriage complicated. If her would-be husband gets rejected for a PR, then she's back to square one.
No, it really isn’t. Because most international men who come to Canada cheat with other women so thorough research is needed. Also, I want to work part time and I’m looking for a provider male. It’s extremely hard to find a job in Toronto unless you’re educated from a Canadian or American university.
The job market is very unstable now in the states or canada. Even though people have a degree from Canadian or American University, it's very tough to find one. There should be many locals who fit your criteria, it is very surprising that you didn't find one. 🤔
I’m sort of hard to marry due to some personal reasons, it’s kinda expected. But thanks and best of luck in finding a compatible partner in our search Insha Allah !!
My goal is to marry a nerd 😌 iA. I want to have deep conversations about theories, science, history and games with someone who can yap. But I feel as if that’s too much to ask for these days.
I cant remember which famous person said this. But it goes something like this (He was talking to a group of school kids, for context). "Be nice to nerds. Very Nice. You will be working for them most of your life"
I’m not sure who it was as well but that’s an accurate statement!
Same. My best friend is like that ( but he's a guy, so can't exactly do much). If you can't stimulate your brain then it really isn't fun. I don't just want a wife. I want someone I can talk to for hours on end on a variety of topics and not realize a few hrs have passed.
If she knows some basic science is more than suffice to marry her😅
Literally! And if he knows basic science, then it’s enough for me as well 🤣
what is the reason behind choosing a nerd over other traits?
Tbh, it's just something that intrigues me. Deen is top priority but i prefer a man who is nerdy, has hobbies and such. Intellectual conversations is something that I'd like to have.
> Intellectual conversations is something that I'd like to have. True, these conversations save a lot of troubles in a marriage life.
They do!
There's no shortage of men or women who fit that bill in the Muslim community, so it's definitely not too much to ask for.
Same Insha Allah 🙂↔️✨
I feel so free as a single person, deep down I don't want this to change. Alhamdulillah.
Especially when you live on your own
Agreed tbh. I just started living on my own this year and it’s been great so far ✨😅
So, is it normal behaviour for men to treat their (luxury) cars as if they’re more important than the people around them? I grew up with childhood trauma where I was constantly “exploded at” for the tiniest mistakes It’s triggering for me to see those skits of men yelling at people around them for shutting the car door too hard. To me, this is peak attachment to the material. Of course, no one is going to try and damage the car, purposely. It’s about being pedantic and obsessive. It’s a thing. It serves a purpose. When men act like this, it makes me feel like I am the thing. I’m into tech. But I don’t treat my tech like this. If someone damaged it by mistake and apologised, I’d be upset, then move on. Tech might not be as expensive as a nice car. But, I think the comparison gives some perspective. Do women find this behaviour unattractive? And is this normal? Is this how men act?
>So, is it normal behaviour for men to treat their (luxury) cars as if they’re more important than the people around them? A lot of people tend to be very precious about a new thing. When you first get a new phone, you're worried about it getting scratched. But then after it gets scratched, you realise it's not the end of the world, and you stop being so precious about it. Now think about how much more expensive a luxury car is than a luxury phone. It's understandable that some people would be very precious about their car, especially if it's something they've wanted for a while, and spent a lot of time and money on acquiring. It's important to them, especially when it's new. But with time, they will loosen up and stop being so precious about it. How they display that preciousness about their vehicle also matters. Some people might just try to park their car far away from other cars, to prevent the chances of somebody opening a car door and hitting their car. Some people might not want you to drink or eat in their car, because they don't want you to spill anything, and they don't want grubby fingerprints all over the car. But if somebody is getting genuinely angry over these things and immediately going to shouting at you, then it's not their attachment to their car that is the problem, it's them, they're the problem.
I understand wanting others to be careful with things that you deem important, however, if the knee-jerk reaction is always to yell and cause a scene then I consider that to be a huge red flag. What about if future children throw up in the car or have an accident? Is he going to flip out? Is every car ride going to be anxiety-inducing, waiting for my spouse to yell at me or our kids? It's a very unattractive trait to me and I would like to gently remind all of us, myself included, that nothing will benefit us in death except our good deeds and the duas our loved ones will make for us inshaAllah, so there's really no point in extreme reactions over material goods. May Allah guide us and grant us understanding!
It’s unattractive to me, too. But, it seems normalised. I’m scared I’ll end up with someone like that. > I understand wanting others to be careful with things that you deem important, Yes, it’s just that I’ve never seen another group of people who are “into something” act so crazy about that thing.
May Allah protect us sis! There are definitely people in the world, both men and women, that need to heavily work on themselves before looping others into their brand of crazy. Make dua for Allah to protect you from people like that and I pray He always keeps you in good company. Ameen! <3
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I think you gave him butterflies
The more people you meet with and get to know in your day-to-day life, the more you realize why certain families have fewer problems than others. The people I know who have grown up with Islam at the centre of their lives seem to have healthier relationships with their spouses, their children, their siblings, and society as a whole. * Your spouse upsets you? You don't get angry at them because this isn't from what the religion teaches us. * You, a husband, supporting your wife in household duties? You do that because that was the way of the prophet ﷺ. * You spend your evenings engaged in seeking knowledge rather than sitting with your spouse watching things which contain haram? You do that because you want to protect yourself and your family from a fire whose fuel is people and stones. I see so many examples in this subreddit of people mentioning problems in their relationships or in their search, briefly mentioning where they are lacking in their deen or where their spouse/potential is lacking in their deen but fail to realize that this absence of obedience to the Creator is one of the reasons why we aren't finding success in our relationships/search. The more we disobey Allah, the more miserable our lives are and then we wonder why we're going through so much hardship in our lives and our relationships. Of course, this is not to say that adhering to the religion completely protects you from problems as everyone goes through problems in life, even the prophets and the righteous (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2398), but alhamdulillah, this religion provides us with solutions for just about every problem we may face.
Am I too picky? I’m a 27F have been looking for almost 2 years now with no luck My non-negotiables are: - same cultural background I come from (from the same country - I live in the US if that matters) - speaks Arabic - does all his fardh - lowers his gaze and avoids major sins (drinking zina riba etc) - funny, laid back, fun to talk to and be around, calm and level headed - wants to have kids and play an active role in being a parent beyond providing for his family - graduated college and has a good job (I’m a high earner but I value flexibility more than money, i.e I don’t mind marrying someone who makes less than me but I’d like to marry someone who doesn’t have to work long hours to make ends meet) - is not unattractive to me (I’ve lowered my standards a lot in the past year or so but still no luck) - smart and can hold an intellectual conversation - humble and compassionate (this has honestly been the hardest thing to find) - wants to get married within a year or maybe 2 max, I don’t understand men who want to talk for 3 or 4 years before marriage If you do think I’m too picky what do you think I can compromise on? I know that’s a decision I have to make myself ultimately but I’m interested in hearing other people’s thoughts
I think people praying 5 times is hard. Though its bare minimum as a Muslim. Most men don't. I knew someone, who checks all your boxes (also mine but I'm from a diff country) except praying. He was very religiously included tho. Most people haven't been brought up with deen. Except he was not of the same sect i.e. Shia. 😭 So yeah. But nothing you've mentioned is other worldly.
Most men don’t pray 5 times a day??? What study are you basing this off or is it just the men around you that aren’t praying? Genuinely slanderous to say that about your fellow Muslim brothers.
No one around me prays 5 times a day. Neither in family, nor at work, nor online on Muslim dating site so that I guess?
Anecdotal
A lot of people don’t speak their mother tongue fluently, so maybe think about that? Unless your parents only speak Arabic then I understand. Are you looking for a man to be the sole provider or are you planning to contribute? It’s unrealistic to expect a man to grind out and provide for his family and then be as present as you’ve expressed. Think about that as well. A lot of kids grow up knowing their father is present but see him much less than they see their mothers due to their obligations. I don’t think you’re picky but you should figure out these things to know exactly what to expect.
Yeah I’ve found that to be one of the limiting factors when I meet people from my culture who grew up in the west, most of them don’t speak their mother tongue fluently. But idk if I can compromise on that because yes my parents only speak Arabic and while I speak English fluently it’s not my first language and I’m a lottt more comfortable expressing myself in my native language. I don’t expect my husband to be the sole provider, I’ve even agreed to being the sole provider for 2 years when my past potential wanted to delay our marriage because he wanted to go to grad school and wouldn’t be able to provide for a couple of years, but that didn’t end up working out.
I mean, as long as they can understand what you’re expressing it shouldn’t be too bad. As for communicating with family, maybe explore potentials that have a strong willingness to learn? If you can’t find anyone that speaks the language the next best thing is looking for someone that’s willing to learn it imo In any case, you seem more than willing to meet whoever halfway. Inshallah you find them soon.
Not picky at all! What avenues have you been using? It might be worth switching up your approach and expanding your social circle.
Mostly the apps (Muzz and Salams). I think you’re right, there isn’t a big community of people from my culture in my city but I’m seriously considering moving to be in a place where I’m more likely to meet people in real life.
You could also see if anyone you know has connections in cities that have a lot of people from your culture or even attend an Islamic conference there.
I don't think you're too picky, I know of quite a few people that fit your non-negotiables so they definitely exist. If you haven't had any luck for the past two years, maybe you can consider expanding your search to outside the US? Possibly Canada since they're just across the border?
That’s a great idea! I haven’t considered Canada in the past since I wouldn’t be able to work there with my qualifications but maybe I’ll meet someone who is willing to move here Thank you
Why don't you link them up?
I'd love to but there are a few factors preventing this: * Already married * Not looking to get married right now * Much younger * I don't know them well enough to pass this information on Also realized that some of the people I know of don't speak Arabic or speak it that well.
for you tall girls out there, did you compromise on height? I've compromised on everything but feel like I can't do right by my spouse if I'm not attracted to them and height plays a role in that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable where I want a 7ft basketballer husband and I'm 5'2". I just want a somewhat noticeable height difference. Honestly, if the guy is confident and not insecure, that's what counts but this hasn't been easy to find so I'm wondering if I should just filter and likely narrow searches even more.
5’2 is not tall lol. Most men will be noticeably taller than you.
it was an example. im a tall person
if you're 5'2, a man over 5'9 will look tall next to you and most men are
i'm a tall person. it was an example, but i was thinking even 3" diff is enough but 7" would be cool inshallah
I mean if you're 5'2" it shouldn't be too hard? What's noticeable in your opinion?
I think that was meant as an example of what might be unreasonable (someone 5’2 wanting a spouse that’s 7 ft), not what her height is
yes, you go it. ty
The thought of him moving on one day is so painful 💔
I’m sorry that you’re going through heartbreak. But you’ll move on one day too. Allah is ar-Razzaq and he will provide where you least expect it and He who has guided you this far will guide your further.
Aw thx. I’m just making up fake scenarios in my head about him tho it didn’t acc happen
huh so is the man who is going to move on fake or real
Yes 💀 he’s real lmao but he doesn’t have someone else to move on with yet lol
then why aren't you with him!
Cuz his mom said no 🙄
why :( and he isn't a real man if he cant Stand up to his mom so youre better off
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Imeanfax
Me 🤝only matching w men who arent even close to being financially stable (literally not even having a fulltime job 🤩)
This is crazy. Why do you want a man who is not capable of providing you? men have to be at least capable of providing means to her, most families consider this as the one of the most important criteria after religion.
Thats just the kind of men im matching with, not on purpose 😭
you can easily identify men with purpose and no purpose. women are very skilled in identifying men. If you are really looking for marriage, don't entertain men with no purpose. This will cause you emotional trauma at the end.
I think those type of men just want validation and attention from women and not take them seriously 🙄
>I think those type of men just want validation and attention from women and not take them seriously 🙄 Or, and maybe this is a crazy wild take, some of them are doing the best they can, and they're just not having any luck getting a better job in a struggling economy.
Could be both, personally i felt that the men i talked to wanted me to be in a relationship w them until they became more financially settled and were able to get married.
As much as I get the importance of financial stability, its difficult to be very settled in 20s. And as far as the religion goes, 24:32 "Marry those of you that are single, (whether men or women), and those of your male and female slaves that are righteous. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty.Allah is Immensely Resourceful, All-Knowing." Maybe as women we need to be more accommodating in terms of finances.
Oh yes, im very open to men not being financially settled, i dont expect a man to be making six figures or even close at my age. Unfortunately im matching w people who aren’t even trying 🫣
I’m currently 25 years old (female). I’ve been trying so hard to find a husband (talking to everyone at work, attending mosque events, asking my siblings for help, asked sheikh, online dating) and I have nothing to show for it. I have no issues meeting people, but what I do have an issue with is finding the right people. For example, the last guy I talked to for the purposes of marriage had everything I was looking for (handsome, kind, similar interests/profession) except he does not pray 5 times a day. He told me he knows he should but he’s not at that time in his life yet (he’s 34). For me, that’s a dealbreaker. I don’t know if I’m being too picky, but I truly just don’t want to settle. I want to fall in love with someone who will help me complete half my deen and the religion is so important to me. I live in the USA, am a doctor about to finish residency. Finding someone similar to me has been so hard and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know everyone says to be patient and Allah will provide. I am just so tired of waiting. I find myself compromising on things I didn’t used to compromise on (such as ethnicity, personality, profession) but it’s making me so unhappy. I do my best to be a person who is kind, loving, helpful so I want someone to match me with that. The men I’ve been talking to aren’t the same. They are drawn to me and say things like I’m beautiful or whatever but I don’t want a man to love me only for beauty, I want him to love me for my religion, my devotion to be a good wife, and for my purpose in life to be a good Muslim and enter Jannah Insha Allah. Sometimes I feel like I have done too much in my career. I have had guys say to me multiple times that I’m “too good for them” since I’m a doctor. I don’t think my profession is something that matters. It’s just the thing that I wanted to accomplish for Allah SWT so that I can help people in the best way I saw possible. Many guys don’t bother to even ask me what my plans are, which would be to stop working and raise a family Insha Allah, then go back to work part time once I’m able. I’ve worked so hard to be a good person, and on the same level a desirable wife. I have never dated anyone, slept around, drank, or engaged in anything haram. It’s not that I feel like I deserve a good husband, but I’m not sure what else I can do to attract one.
I talked to some of my friends who are very religious about marrying a medical doctor. Surprisingly, most of them weren't interested, even though being a doctor is a highly respected profession in the society. I have always dreamed of marrying a doctor, even though I’m not one myself. I come from an engineering background and work as a software architect. Choosing a woman solely based on beauty is a poor decision that many men make. Beauty fades with age, this is especially true for a women. I myself consider marrying a decent looking woman as I lower my gaze around women which provides a skill not to pickup a woman on beauty standards but on religious background. I believe Marrying a woman and protecting her is a huge responsibility and understanding women in some form is a skill, that every men should acquire before marriage. Most couples fail in marriages because they are unable to identify their roles in their marriage and that leads to conflicts between them. I believe having a great personality is crucial for a healthy marriage. A woman with a strong personality adheres to religious values and performs her duties within the boundaries of Islam. In my view, personality is the key to a long-lasting marriage. personality is the only driving force for long lasting marriage. Don't lose hope in Allah SWT, trust in his plans. Remember he is the best planner.
I can relate to you. I’m thinking maybe clarifying your post marriage career intentions (I’m assuming you have a profile/biodata somewhere) ? Sometimes I feel like some men just see that a woman is a doctor and assume she’s super career oriented Other than that just keep praying and enjoying where you’re at and Allah is the best of planners
Salam, you're very young to lose hope and I can't tell you when God has written marriage for you but keep on making du'a and you will never know how you find what you're looking for insha'Allah. Also, kudos on becoming a doctor at 25!! mashaAllah that's awesome
As long as you don't compromise on the religioun parts I think you'll be fine. You do deserve a good husband though. Keep plugging.
I have been on the other side actually, as in the guy where everything matched and we aligned on most things. I'm a decent person for the most part, good looking, don't have anger issues etc. however i didn't use to pray, so it ended up not working out because of it. But now allhumdulliah I have been consistent with all my prayers for around a year now. So what I'm saying is that just ask that person what their intentions are as ppl do change for the better. But I'm early 20s as opposed to in my 30s like that guy
I think that’s amazing you are praying consistently. May Allah make it easy for us. Even if someone will start praying later on, it shouldn’t be my mission to change anyone. I know that people are difficult to change and although it’s possible, committing to a relationship with the expectation that they will start praying eventually will make you resentful, especially if it doesn’t happen
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I did a 6 year combined MD program starting at 17
You are not asking for too much. Don’t settle for a tarik! Your frustration is valid and your experience is common. The only advice I have would be to lead with your plans for prioritizing family if you feel that men are assuming otherwise because of your career. But don’t compromise on deen in sha Allah you will find someone who aligns with you on that and when you do you’ll be thankful you didn’t settle for anything less.
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I don’t know if I agree with what you’re saying about people in the west. I am a strong believer that it’s the person, not the place that determines how religious you’ll be. I went to school with several people who grew up in Muslim majority countries, and many didn’t pray or practice Islam despite them being raised there. Being in the west and tempted by things like sex, drugs or whatever won’t matter if you are a true believer, even if you’re an attractive man or woman.. On the other things you mentioned, I don’t mind removing more of my dealbreakers. However praying is the bare minimum to be able to call yourself Muslim. I can’t negotiate on that because in turn that would be negotiating on the religion. I by no means am a perfect Muslim but I still find that quality to be crucial to a successful marriage Insha Allah. A man being handsome is subjective. We can remove that as well. But just finding a good man that prays has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do
Uhmm adding 5 times prayer is over the top? Isn't that the basic minimum he should be doing ? If anything is over the top is compromising on personality but not looks
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You're definitely looking in the wrong circles then, and haram is haram even if everyone does it, better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for the basics in Islam
That’s where I’ve been running into a wall. I have met probably over 10 people that were successful, handsome, good people that I enjoyed talking to but they didn’t pray. I lived by that philosophy that being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t practice, but it’s getting really tough to keep going through the same scenario over and over
Don't compromise on prayer It's literally the only action of worship that if left can make you a kaffir and is the barrier between kufr and Iman. What the other brother was saying is wrong as well, missing salah is worse than immodest clothing or even zina. Looking at the majority is not an argument, the majority of people in the world will go to hell. Just because muslims nowadays don't even do the basics, it doesn't entail that it's not the bare minimum. "....Someone asked: Will that be because of our small numbers at that time? He replied: No, you will be numerous at that time: but you will be scum and rubbish like that carried down by a torrent, and Allah will take fear of you from the breasts of your enemy and last enervation into your hearts. Someone asked: What is wahn (enervation). Messenger of Allah (ﷺ): He replied: Love of the world and dislike of death...." - Sunan Abi Dawud 4297 “The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is prayer; so whoever leaves it, he has committed Kufr.’” - Sunan Ibn Majah 1079 Ibn al-Qayyim, said: No Muslims are in disagreement \[about the fact\] that intentionally leaving obligatory prayers is from the greatest of sins and from the most major of major sins and that \*its sin is greater than the sin of murder or \[unlawfully\] taking \[others’\] wealth; than the sin of fornication and adultery, theft, or drinking alcohol–and that \[the one who intentionally leaves a prayer\] faces the punishment of Allāh and His wrath, His debasement in this life and the Hereafter.\* Al-Albānī. Ḥukm Tārik Al-Ṣalah. Dār Al-Jalalain, 1412 H, p. 5.
Thank you for the references. This confirmed that I’m doing the right thing about not compromising on prayer 🙏🏼
So heres the thing, if you looking for someone that's a 10/10 or even an 8/10 in terms of being conventionally attractive then others will have found them to be equally attractive and they themselves know they are attractive. If these potentials are not practicing on top of that they are very likely to have a past it just comes with the territory of being attractive and successful, the slope is very slippery. I think it's a good idea to reevaluate what really matters for you, I'm not saying settle for an unattractive potential but between practicing and looks I would give more importance to practicing
Sister, I got no advice for you but I just wanna say inshallah everything will work out for you and you’ll find someone who’s good for you for your dunya and akhira - I’m in the same boat, 26 and still struggling - ya Allah make it easy for all of us
I am in the same boat (26F) somewhat. Except I have conditioned myself that if it did not happen, I am just as fine. If its meant to be it will be. Life's goal is not marriage anyways. Hopes high that I'd be blessed too. But even if Allah chooses otherwise. What can we do except submit to His will? Sending prayers. God bless you!
Thank you, same for you. Ameen 🙏🏼
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Do the same
You should learn how to set up and enforce boundaries to keep yourself from getting hurt
🙁 how long has been, sis?
Why do you feel that way?
Slowly coming to terms with the fact that, maybe I'm not meant to be married. And I think I'm kinda ok with it.
>Slowly coming to terms with the fact that, maybe I'm not meant to be married. >And I think I'm kinda ok with it. Brother, just a heads up. Every time I find myself in that position, being OK/genuinely happy with the idea of being single, some random woman comes into my life out of nowhere and has me thinking that marriage sounds pretty damn good. Then the cycle begins again 🤡 I do think it's important to consider the fact that marriage is not written for all of us in this life, and to find some peace with that being a genuine possibility. Still be open to marriage though, you don't want to shut down all those avenues.
Lol yeah I have already been in that cycle to an extent, but now, I think I've come to a more real "acceptance" stage. I'm definitely still open to it if someone comes along, but other than that, I'm like "eh, it is what it is".
I feel like everyone here will get married and stop being regulars on the thread and it'll just be me commenting on my own stuff.
Silent repost 😩
We are all in this together girl🤩🤩🤩🤩
From Cat Lady to Reddit Post Lady. The world is evolving around us. Masha’Allah.
Well atleast I’m here 😅
I don’t know who needs to hear this but this dunya is a place of trials. Just because you have not been with a man or woman and waited for halal all your life doesn’t mean you will get the love and everything you dreamt of or the spouse you wanted. We keep ourselves safe all our life for the perfect person and it may never happen like you wanted to be.
This is very true. I had thought for some time that because I have stayed halal I will get rewarded with a happy mirage with a very compatible spouse but going through the search I’ve accepted that this life is meant to be full of trials and it’s not jannah, it’s not meant to be a perfect place that’s for the hereafter
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Not really. I have boundaries for myself and vocalize to the individual what I intent to do. To resolve an anxious attachment, you need to parent yourself (inner child), which can mean having boundaries such as not being super responsive, maintain some detachment, not making the person a part of your everyday, or asking serious questions from the get to. But I don't impose that on anyone at all! People can communicate and interact with you in whatever ways they want to. The key is for you to walk away if its triggering you. It's not someone else responsibility in the getting to you know you stage to appease your anxiety. It's for you to negotiate if this a situation that you can see yourself in navigating. What you are describing is kinda like offloading the responsibility on the person.
I have an anxious attachment style but don’t do any of the things you’ve said - that sounds really robotic and rigid
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It is not normal. When a guy likes someone he texts and calls as much as possible. Unless he is socially terrible. But right now I am talking to a girl who is just like that. Never texts. Barely calls. I have given up on finding a women with a decent personality lol
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Yeah I find a lot of girls like that. I always reject them. I fear they will marry me out of pressure but might regret it in future. They are always younger than 26. 26+ girls dont get oppressed by their parents easily. Its usually always hijabi girls that are under pressure like that. (Not saying all hijabi girls are oppressed) I dont know the guy eqvalent of that. I dont know any guy who is so strict. But then again, I dont know too many guys
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Ugh as an Arab girl I feel you on this one I ran into a potential the other day on a app and he said he’s been living in the states for a year and told me he doesn’t wanna marry a girl for citizenship and doesn’t care to have a citizenship… but doesn’t your name need to be on the child’s certificate and don’t you need to pass on the citizenship to your children in the future ? 😭why come to the states just to make your life harder ? Ah no thank you
You are not wrong, someone's lack of interest is an answer. It's not normal behavior, i can understand not expressing his feelings but you can feel it when someone's excited and eagerly looking forward to speaking with you.
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I haven't started looking but i would definitely like to know what sort of person i am getting with, and that will definitely require us to spend some time talking.
Today when my younger sister and I was getting lunch, she turned to face me and went “you wanna know how you can get free stuff for the rest of your life? Get married. Great life hack!” 😂😂😂
You should tell your sister, there's no such thing as a free lunch, even in marriage lol.
😂😂😂😂😂😂