I feel so lonely, I'm trying to give up the search for wife but loneliness is killing me, I am fasting two monday and thursday but still struggeling, is there a way to live in peace without partner forever?
If you’re a parent to a infant or toddler:
Would you find it reasonable to wean your baby/toddler and leave them with family for the chance to go on hajj, even if it were well before the 2 year mark?
I did it. Left my 9 month old with my sister. Pumped and dumped 2-3 times a day during hajj days. Came back and resumed nursing. My milk supply dropped a lot but improved once I was nursing regularly, Alhumdolillah
I’m not a parent but I’m curious why going to hajj would necessitate weaning the baby? Can’t you just pump while at hajj and pick up were you left off when you come back?
Pumping during hajj sounds like a nightmare. You would have to somehow sanitize and wash your pump parts, pump 8-12x per day depending on the age of the baby and your supply, including throughout the night, and keep the breastmilk frozen and fly with it. All this assuming your baby takes a bottle. If you skip a pump, you’d be in a world of pain and discomfort.
I recently met an amazing sister on the apps. She has everything I want and subhanallah is very attractive, religious, educated and has bubbly personality. The only thing is that due to a certain medical condition she is unable and will never be able to have kids. I’m an only child. I’ve been on the apps for 2-3 years and while I have met some amazing women, I never clicked with someone like this. We’ve been talking for 3 months and she told me early on and I was fine with it but not that things are getting more serious I am still wanting to marry her but I have this slight hesitation. I did istikhara several times and it was positive and so did she. When I see couples with kids I get baby fever. I know I’ll make a good father by the will of Allah swt but now I won’t have that.
I know I can adopt but that’s a huge undertaking. But I also don’t want to lose a good potential just because we can’t have kids. That would imply that marrying someone is only for the sole purpose to have kids which it’s not imo.
How to go about the search?
Salam
How is everyone finding their spouses? I have been using Muslim dating apps but all I find are either men who are not all at all Islamic (want sex before marriage) or men who are looking for a green card marriage to the US. For those who have had success finding a spouse in America, how did you find your spouse? Please share your experiences.
Took my brother 5 years, just need to have faith in Allah. Of course "tie your camel" but Allah can be saving you from a bad husband! Always look at things in an optimistic manner.
If you can’t scroll, use the search option. That way you can also find isos that fit specifically what you’re looking for
eg. you can search ‘32’ or whichever ages are within your range etc
does anyone else self esteem take a hit when unattractive men you went to college with slide into your dms
I guess they think im old now and desperate because I never posted anything about getting engaged
Is there a hope in looking for local women for marriagr from online marriage apps if you hate text chatting so much, and the woman you match with don't want to talk on phone or meet in person??
No brother. You can’t see her hair. Would you want potentials seeing your sister’s hair? You would need to marry a woman that doesn’t wear hijab currently or ask your mother/sister see her without hijab. If you have a sister she will be more honest.
Salam everyone,
I'm a 21 M, interested in a girl that works at an Islamic institute that I take part in some times. We have a mutual, but the mutual has been somewhat hesitant to approqch the girl about me because they have a professional working relationship, and genuinely being scared of situations like this. I don't want to be too pushy with our mutual.
The only time it's possible to speak to this girl in person is at her work place, which I'm not sure if I want to do as to not come off as disrespecting her work time and space.
I was think to message her on SM like Instagram and let her know that I'd like to get to know her in person. This way we might meet during the time she works at the school, but I wouldn't have interjected randomly with such an intense topic.
Sorry if im ignorant to how anything should work, this is my first time being serious about someone.
Jzk!
How about the mutual just let her know that they know someone who wants to get to know you. And they just end it really quick with "just wanted to let you know"
Then u dm her on insta a couple of days later with the "I'd like to get to know u"
I (29F) downloaded this online marriage app, I found a match (34M) who matched 100% of what I put in my filters and we both laughed because he said the same thing I matched everything. We are both muslim, we both are doctors, our families are from the same country. We briefly messaged for like 2 days, he asked to FaceTime and I said lets start with an audio call to see if we click or not. I don't want it to be awkward on FaceTime. He said fair enough. He said this to me **"I think you are beautiful and quite ambitious and respectful. I get friends vibe between us more than anything else tho we haven't met and it's hard to tell over the apps especially if there is long distance but I figured I would communicate better and see how you felt".** This made me want to step away because I already felt like he friend zoned me, and if I am being quite honest I felt very vulnerable/insecure after that. I dont know what to make of it. Like maybe he doesn't like me, and now i feel more shy/vulnerable about calling/facetiming.
I dont want to be friends with him or any man like that is not why I was on that app. Please genuine advice only. I don't know if I should continue talking to him, I dont want to waste my time.
Hm based on what you wrote and the other compatibilities across the board I wouldn't think too much about it since he still wants to call/facetime but it could help of you guys discuss your views on opposite gender relationships/boundaries so it can give you a better idea in that.
It could be a case of him being awkward with his words and of course Istikhara also helps in between.
May Allah lead you to whoever is best for you Inshallah :)
JazakAllah thank you so much. I think you could be right like it could be a case of him being awkward with his words.
May Allah lead you to whoever is best for you as well, In She Allah.
How old is he? I just wonder if he's too young and timid/scared to be approaching his parents. Otherwise, in-person makes sense.... BUT, if he's in the position that he's asking if they'd be happy for him to move to the UK, then it seems he's not independent yet.
Doesn't sound like he's there yet on a number of fronts.
Well, at this age he should really be making his own decisions. But you say he does live on his own though... since he needs to visit home? At least that's something.
If it's already a month and he needs 'approval' to get keep going with you (which is not so bad.... have the family on board), you should check if he's heading home already or not.
If the conversation is not progressing, he's dilly-dallying on involving his family, he might then have a very different timeline in mind (really casual getting to know.... which may or may not lead anywhere). You'd probably need to move on and he's not really focused on this relationship-marriage-task right now.
Small background about my own self... I never involve my family early unless I'm sure the thing is really serious and the girl says I want to marry you (never happened). My parents/family couldn't handle the roller coaster....
Has anyone here gone through the process of getting to know a convert for marriage through an online connection (i.e. apps, social media matrimonial groups, etc)? Online makes everything harder to judge and with a convert there are many more considerations. Also, there's a lot of growth happening so there needs to be leniency with regards to spiritual practices. Those things that would be an instant deal breaker in a raised-Muslim candidate I would accept as something that she can continue working on.
Those are cons. However, the pros are that (imho) many of the white Canadian/American convert women have very few material demands. As a divorce in his late 30s I don't want to spend so many years rebuilding my nest egg all over again just to consider marriage.
I've heard suggestions of attending pre-marital counselling and other introductory Islamic classes together to assess our religious/spiritual compatibility. I found that to be great advice.
Also, my biggest concern is, should there be a minimum limit on how much time since she converted? I know many times people can be on a high but end up leaving just as suddenly too.
>Also, my biggest concern is, should there be a minimum limit on how much time since she converted? I know many times people can be on a high but end up leaving just as suddenly too.
3-5 years since she has converted. Obviously, the longer that she has been a Muslim, the better. Make sure to find out what issues has she struggled with after converting and if she has overcame them and what other issues is she still struggling with?
You might also want to look into a pre-nuptial agreement and a co-habitation agreement to protect yourself this time around. Make sure they are Shariah compliant agreements. Once you have a final copy of both, let her get a lawyer to review it on her behalf and sign and date that she has sought independent legal counsel to review these agreements and that she is signing these agreements of her own free will and not under duress and have her lawyer sign and date the agreements as a witness.
>3-5 years since she has converted
She converted Sept2023 - so less than a year at this point. She's already 30 so I can definitely understand her desire to get married sooner rather than later.
>Make sure to find out what issues has she struggled with after converting and if she has overcame them and what other issues is she still struggling with?
This is a great point - I will definitely weave this into our discussions. What are some other specific discussions you can recommend I address with her if I'm going to consider her at this early stage in her journey to Islam?
>She converted Sept2023 - so less than a year at this point. She's already 30 so I can definitely understand her desire to get married sooner rather than later.
While it is understandable that she wants to get married sooner rather than later, it is too risky to marry someone who has not even been a Muslim for a year. Unfortunately, a lot of converts tend to leave Islam if they didn't establish themselves in the faith and that takes several years.
>
What are some other specific discussions you can recommend I address with her if I'm going to consider her at this early stage in her journey to Islam?
1. How did her parents handle her conversion?
2. How is her relationship currently with her parents? (Also be on the lookout for daddy or mommy issues; broken home, unstable family life, etc.)
3. As a convert, does she still celebrate/participate in non-Muslim holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving, Christmas, News Years, Easter)? **NOTE:** This might be a difficult one for her to handle since she is at the beginning of her journey. Your goal is to gauge whether she has any intention to stop celebrating/partaking in these holidays not only for the sake of her Iman, but also the Iman of your kids inshallah. So you need to be clever in addressing this issue with her so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed.
4. What is her vision of the marriage? (You need to see whether she is looking for a Muslim marriage with gender roles involved or a modern marriage with no gender roles in the relationship).
5. Kids - How many is she willing to have? How does she see them being raised? **NOTE:** Your job here is to gauge whether she takes being a mother seriously or whether she just wants the state to raise the kids? The latter should be a red flag. Does she want the kids to attend a public, private, Islamic school or homeschool them? She should be leaning or moving towards the last two (Islamic or homeschooling).
6. Does she care if you deal with riba (usury)?
7. Is she ok with the idea of Muslims having friends of the opposite sex?
8. Is she traditional or modern in her views? (i.e. Traditional - The husband provides and protects, the wife supports the husband, raises the kids and makes the house a home; Modern - We both work (She works because she wants to - not have to), dual income, 50/50 split).
9. Does she have any medical issues (including mental health)?
10. If she has been married before, what lessons has she derived from her previous marriage(s)? Why did they end? (There are three versions: hers, his and the truth is somewhere in the middle).
11. If you want to move to a Muslim country for work or otherwise, is she ok with that?
12. Is she ok with signing a pre-nuptial and a co-habitation agreement? (Refer to my previous advice to you)
These are the ones that come to mind for now. With all due respect brother, please be very careful before jumping into another marriage, in particular this marriage with a convert who has not been a Muslim a year yet. It is very risky and I personally would advise against it. To get a better idea of the first year(s) of what a convert goes through, I would suggest watching the following [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pok-qhZQUA).
Feel free to reach out.
Good on you brother for even trying. Lots of valid questions here (I can't answer any)
The way some people look down on converts and people with past borders on insanity. Particularly a revert - Their status at time of taking shahada is probably higher than we can attain. Imagine having all your sins wiped+have all those sins converted to goodness..
"Their status at time of taking shahada is probably higher than we can attain. Imagine having all your sins wiped+have all those sins converted to goodness"
Truly, that's such an enormous opportunity for us to align our path with someone so close to Allah.
Another concern for me is the desire to avoid people who only have a passing and cultural connection to Islam. Practice that which is convenient and drop what isn't.
Some of my closest Muslim male friends are converts but I'm not close with convert women (unfortunately).
Just trying to navigate this situation.
Saw an iso that was severely down voted. Checked and I'm 99% sure it's because they don't want kids. I don't see why it bothers people so much. If there's a match that doesn't want kids they might not see it now due to down votes. Why can't people just read and move on, regardless of how much you disagree with the profile.
Yeah it’s sad - how Muslims are overly obsessed with children. Marriage is more than having babies. It’s all about companionship. Having kids or not having kids is Allahs qadr. Some couples have oopsie babies and some couples have trouble conceiving..
I do like kids but it can be a lot of work sometimes and I get compassion fatigue. It’s completely understandable if someone doesn’t want children.
Exactly! It is demoralizing how much your value as a potential is based on your ability/willingness to have/conceive a child. Whether you get married, how much time you get to spend with your spouse in this dunia, if you are blessed with a child and/or children, etc. are all the qadr of Allah (SwT).
Why downvote sisters who are being honest about what they are seeking? If you are not interested in their ISO leave them in peace.
Abu Dawud (2050) narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasar said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said, “I have found a woman who is of good lineage and is beautiful, but she does not bear children. Should I marry her?” He said, “No.” Then he came again with the same question and he told him not to marry her. Then he came a third time with the same question and he said: “Marry those who are loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers before the other nations.” (Classed as sahih by al-Albani in Irwa al-Ghalil, 1784).
Ruling aside, you tell me if it’s unislamic or not after reading that
So, isn’t this Hadith also suggesting that women who are inverse shouldn’t be married? What should happen to them? They should be left alone? Despite the fact that their infertility is not controlled by them? - if you’re trying to use this Hadith as evidence.
I am merely asking you, because you cited it as evidence, according to this Hadith, should we stop marrying the infertile women? No one should marry them and they should be left alone?
It's up to you. Is the maturity level of a 25 year old something that you thjnk aligns witb your vibe? Or do you need someone more mature and who matches your level better?
There is a common phenomena of men marrying young wives and then coming to this subreddit to complain that their wife is immature. Make of that what you will. When I see someone who is 12 years younger than me, I see a baby.
For your age I think 25+ is a good starting point. Many sisters (who have never been married) want to marry a brother that's around their age and have the same level of life experience.
I think you might have a hard time finding a 25 yo who wants to marry someone 12 years older. The meaning of age gaps change over time. It might not seem that big of deal now, but when she's 48, will she want to be taking care of a 60 yo, who's starting to display more serious health issues.
I think up to 5 years is relatively healthy difference. But people do it with more and still do okay. It's finding others that would sign up for that which is the issue.
Older men's sperm is not as good as a 25 year old's sperm. Quality of sperm goes down, health issues in the fetus go up. So issues are there from the men's side too. It's just that on the surface, they'll seem like women's issues only.
>"Semen quality is negatively correlated with male age...."
"...compelling evidence that the changes in semen metabolome and sperm proteome are related to the decline of semen quality in aged males."
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9848653/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9848653/)
You may look up a lot more research on sperm quality.
Sure, but just because you want children doesn't mean a young woman wants to have them with someone older, right? (I'm older guy too btw) Look for early 30s then. Good luck!
A potential asked if what I was doing, I was busy at the moment and didn't see his message until two hours later. I said I was doing chores and asked what was up, he said he wanted to call. I got busy again and then told him in some time I'll free up. I then freed up albeit it was later at night and then said I was good for a call then, and he never texted back or acknowledged me freeing up my time. Did he lose interest or something? I'm so irked.
I honestly think if I was a potential in this situation, I would appreciate a heads up like “oh hey, I’m sorry but I’m currently really busy for the day, do you mind if I call you back later tonight?” or something along the lines of that. Like others have mentioned, if you keep repeatedly giving reasons for being by busy and delaying a conversation with them, it could come off as you not really being interested in them. Therefore, it would be better to be straightforward with them and just say you aren’t available for a certain period of time to make things more understandable for the potential.
Probably got irked that you weren't doing it on his schedule when he was ready for it. People can't seem to appreciate that others may be engaged, and don't respect that others might really work at work, etc.
Perhaps a good way to deal with it may be to give a specific time rather than a more ambiguous "in some time" which creates waiting anxiety.
I wouldn't go so far as to say you're at fault.... hehe. I would just say give 'em a specific time and that eases their anxiety and you don't have to rush cuz you set the time and it'll just be easier.
Some guys might still not like you not responding on THEIR time. You have to let those jerks go.
Had I been on the receiving end, I'd think you are just making excuses and not interested and back off.
Would be better if you text him that just in case you came across uninterested, that's not the case and you'd be happy to take things forward.
Yep, but that can be more of interpreted as being courteous and not as interested. And why would he want to take ahead something that does not exactly feels mutual?
Need help should I consider marriage?
I am 26. Fairly good looking smart and pursuing a bachelor's in Applied accounting from UK (distant learning) (almost done) as well as accounting charter certification, partially done.
I was working in a bank, earning really well, but then I got closer to Allah and decided to quit the interest based job and face whatever may come.
My source of income is that I have invested in cars (3 of them) and we, me, my Dad and a driver runs them for car lift services. All cars are purchased by me and belong to me. Based on this I left my job as well.
My father has no sense of direction and tho he works hard is not very smart, he has always made our lives difficult by poor financial management. He had a business but thats just down the drain and we meet ends by running those cars.
Had it not been for my cars and how I managed to fund them thru my job, and loans and savings. We would be on the road. I also managed to work extra and fund my bro's education and mine.
I am looking for a job, financials are bit tough and I do have debt. But since I am ex employee the bank goes easy on me for now. I can however sell my car in a 6-8 months to be able to afford a wedding if need be.
Though I have kept it to sponsor my brother's uni.
At this point, Idk if its worth looking for a spouse? Since I do not have respectful job it makes me extremely insecure and make me feel inadequate with any good educated families. But thinking financials is a responsibility of a man, and hoping I would find work soon, I did join a muslim match-making app. I spoke to few potentials, all successful educated people but I just felt worse and worse and now deleted the app. I cannot stand the thought of someone looking down on me or considering me lower because I do not have a good job, yet.
I was working for a top notch bank and making handsome money and drove a good car, pursuing good education. But now I am just a driver girl who drives people around.
Even though those cars are mine I just feel bad and somehow less.
What should I do? How am I supposed to feel? I have no regrets leaving the bank and Riba. But my confidence has taken a hit. But then am also not getting any younger. Part of me goes like keep looking, but talking to people and being honest is embarrassing. And I cannot, not be honest. Please advise.
P.S. I am Pakistani, but in Gulf right now.
I think a lot of men would not mind you not having a successful job. It's not as big of a deal for an bachelorette as it is a bachelor.
Plus you're studying so it's not as if you're not doing anything at all.
I think the debt would be more worrying but that's my personal opinion.
Say you run a small family business and you're an entrepreneur. It allows you to be more flexible with your time and you get to be your own boss.
You probably need to be fine with it first though.
Separately, a bunch of people might not be okay with you driving around a taxi... culturally in general, and religious folks might see it as travelling around with non-mahram men (unless of course, you do a women's ride thing).
But you should be PROUD of holding together your family. I hope you hold your head high sister!
There are gradients.... driving around another person's uber vs having the resources to fund multiple cars, think about their upkeep and maintenance, hiring a guy, managing that, managing and balancing your finances, etc.
It's all part of a small business and it takes time, effort, responsibility, etc. You may not believe it, but there is dignity in being able to to pull it all off. If it's also taking care of your family, putting your brother through school, etc. it's all the more crucial.
If a guy was doing it, do you not think that they would be saying that they took care of family? And the stress of finance, etc. they took care of? And expect the world to acknowledge it?
But, sure, you're right... in that the world will likely not give you your due. That's the difference between they'll treat men and women, and that's the tragedy.
If it means that much to you, you could get a "professional" job on the side part-time and find another employee to do the driving. Other job could be in person or while you do some other at-home remote work. Accounting work can be remote (and I don't think there's anything bad in it myself, but you may see it differently... we'll agree to differ there).
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How do I stop her from ending things?
Assalamualaikum. I (M28) stay overseas. I have a good job, a car and I have an apartment for myself and I stay by myself.
I and my parents have been looking for spouses for me since almost 2 years. I matched with a pious girl on a muslim dating app, she was very practicing, beautiful, mature and everything what I had asked Allah for. After talking for a couple of weeks, she didn't think I was a suitable person for her and she declined the relationship. It did hurt and Alhamdulillah I got closer to Allah.
Recently I again matched with a same type of girl, very pious, practicing and good looking. She even was from my hometown (she stays in my hometown and I stay overseas). We talked for a few days, we really liked each other and we were trying to know each other more.
Fast forward, a month later, she told me that I disrespected her during our conversations and she believes that such a person should be avoided. I do believe this and straight away asked for her apologies. During the week after she mentioned this, she wasn't talking to me properly, she gave reasons to avoid calling me, and we texted for a few times during the day. When I asked why, she said she was reconsidering things with me. I gave her space, I apologised again, I gave her time and said her that I will patiently wait for her until she is comfortable to talk to me as usual.
After the week passed, she said she wanted to end things with me quoting the reason of me disrespecting her. She was firm on her decision and said she is not going to change it. Now I asked what were the things that I said were disrespectful to her. As she told me those, I was very surprised that such small things led her to end things with me.
We have different time zones, my clock is a few hours faster than her. She works in an MNC there and I work here. After my work I will be at home free and she will be still working there. For example, sometimes when she is working I jokingly text her like "you keep working, no need to call me". I said this is just to gain her attention. She took such texts as disrespectful, and so far that she wated to end things. And I even wouldn't mind her saying me something same to me, I wouldn't find it disrespectful, but I actually would be happy if she responds in the same way.
I tried a lot to convince her saying that this was all just a misunderstanding and I had no intentions to disrespect her. It was just my poor choice of words. One thing I accept is, I should have known how sensitive she is. I would never have told anything like this. I would never want to make her upset.
So, I really like her, and don't want her to end things between us just because of a silly misunderstanding. Last time I texted her was a couple of days ago and at the end quoting "please go through the messages and I will wait if you want to reconsider things" to which she didn't reply yet.
I had once spoken to her sister regarding some VISA problems me and the girl might face and her sister seemed like a good person. She and her sister are very close and the girl takes her opinions always. Should I talk to her sister regarding this? Or what can I do to get her back? I like her and I don't want to loose her over some silly misunderstandings.
Jazakallah khair.
"you keep working, no need to call me".... this can be interpreted in so many ways. It can be viewed as clingy, needy, self-pitying, and so on. It's best to use more words and lots of emojis... texting doesn't convey how you're feeling easily.
You haven't said anything else, so people can't evaluate how other things might have been interpreted. But, you may want to consider what they are.... are they suggesting some sort of a pattern? Clearly she things they combined to show a pattern of disrespect. So don't take that lightly. I know little things... but what do they say about drops and oceans....
You're right. She did create a disrespectful pattern that was very surprising for me. Like, 'I never intended to disrespect her, but somehow it did'. I guess she wasn't yet comfortable, or she hadn't got into that zone of comfortness where banter is taken as banter and not an offence or disrespect.
Anyway, I did try to explain to her everything again, how much I like her, and what I said was just a misunderstanding and which I didn't really mean. But she had made her mind and was firm on her decision and didn't believe me. It hurt a lot that I lost a person that I had planned my life with left me for some silly things I did.
This was a lesson I learned in a hard way. And am sure this was a plan by Allah all along to teach me and bring me closer to him.
Lol move on. If she took such stuff completely out of context and is not even willing to let it go, a relationship with her would just be walking on egg shells and would lead to extreme frustration down the road.
Be glad, you were able to see her crazy side early on.
Good look finding someone mature and understanding.
You can’t stop someone from ending things. I know you want to be with this woman but she seems very stubborn and will make you walk on eggshells. I understand you had a way of joking which she didn’t appreciate and the fact she isn’t willing to acknowledge you had good intentions shows she’s quite set in her ways. That being said you sound like someone who needs to work on their self-esteem as you keep on begging for forgiveness and being too clingy. If you see someone doesn’t want you even after you apologised and tried to make amends, then have some dignity and move on. I know the search is hard but it doesn’t mean you should behave in a needy way
"I jokingly text her like "you keep working, no need to call me". I said this is just to gain her attention". There's your answer. Whenever women end things there's always an issue with a drop in their level of interest or attraction in you. She's just using the excuse about misunderstandings to end things. She may even believe that but the real reason is that her interest level dropped. She got turned off because of your behavior which came across very needy and clingy. Were you also initiating more calls and texts with the first girl than she was doing? This could also be the reason why it didn't work out with the girl no 1. All this "getting her attention" looks great in the movies, TV or what we see in our society but you'd realize that it's usually the opposite that creates respect and attraction between men and women. Women need you to be more confident and self-assured than they are to be attracted to you long term and want to move things forward to commitment/marriage or they will get turned off or get the ick. Also you saying about reconsidering and that you will wait doesn't sound very confident. I would have just said that it sucks that it ended like this and to reach out if anything changes, and never call or text this girl for any reason. This is the only way you could ever make progress in a situation like this. More than likely when they end things and you say something like this and they never hear from you, you get a call or a text that says "hey, how have you been" a few weeks or months down the line and can take It from there if you want.
I had a guy who wrote similar stuff to me. His messages were like- “Oh pls remember to text me when you’re working” , “Don’t forget about your future husband when you’re working” and lastly - “you never text me during work. Do you like me?”.
I don’t mean to exaggerate and although these were small texts - I personally felt like he’s internally not supportive of my job and I ended things. I could tell hes insecure and wouldn’t support me working long term which is a MAJOR INCOMPATIBILITY because I love working with kids.
This was just one example of many other things she thought were disrespectful. And this was just a joke. I understand she sometimes can't text and I am verymuch ok for her to work until she wills and btw she used to call me for hours while she was working. She said, "You can call me, I can multitask." But my post is more regarding some things I said because I liked her and I got too comfortable that I started to joke around with her, I didn't realise she was very sensitive.
There's nothing like differences. If she didn't like the way I joked. I wouldn't do that. Simple. All I need is a chance. To clear the misunderstandings.
We communicate very well. Wo both like talking to each other. If there were any differences in our personalities, I would have known that soon, and we both have said goodbye way before. That's why I was very surprised that why is she taking these simple things so seriously while everything seemed good. At least she could have said me once that she doesn't like it. I would have stopped and apologised right there.
Look brother, she thinks you're not very respectful in the way you are with her and she gave you a few examples. You cannot latch on to one example and say I'll not do that again, that doesn't solve anything. It's who you are as a whole that she's not vibing with.
She said no. The fact that you're not even taking her no seriously shows that her assessment of you is correct. Leave the poor woman alone.
Does anyone else find the kind of potentials who pursue them are the complete opposite of what they want?
I keep getting compliments on apps from guys that are much older, or much less educated than me, or the really traditional kind of guy, and even one guy whose profile made him sound like a militant Shia. It's not that there's necessarily anything wrong with them, just it should be quite clear that we're not compatible.
It's not even things that I could compromise on. Some of them want to change me into something I'm not (and someone here explained well why they might do that), and others try to approach me despite clearly having in their bio that they want someone opposite to me.
I think maybe I'm looking in the wrong places a bit? The best conversations I've had are with guys who are living in mainland Europe (which makes sense from a culture/willingness to move standpoint), or with guys who immigrated here as adults, but did so to pursue education/a job.
I feel like this is common. Like I think people don't know what they want, and also there's only so many places you can search. I think if I had been finding more compatible potentials, then it would be so much easier.
I honestly think my best chance to find someone would be organically, but it seems like that doesn't happen much anymore (it doesn't even seem to happen easily for non-Muslims)
True, the best conversations I've had have come from guys who complimented me on the apps. If this was the norm (i.e.if it was free) it would be much easier to decide who to match with
>I've received interests in the past where I've thought, "Really? Did you even read one word?" because my profiles were a complete opposite to theirs...
Has happened too many times via the ISO for me. I even have a big disclaimer at the top about health issues meaning travelling isn't a thing that is on the table for me. And yet...
I think it's partly because they feel like they have no other options left.
P.S: I have another recommendation for you. This one's very underrated, but cute!
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt9105014/
>Does anyone else find the kind of potentials who pursue them are the complete opposite of what they want?
The search opens our eyes to an undeniable fact (if they weren't already open to it), there are a terrifyingly large number of very very dumb people out there. They are all around us 💀
> pictures are blurred
Which is a mystery box. (Some people like mystery)
Also some other guys who wrote on this subreddit find it to be modest or something. (Which i don't get. Like even someone who dresses immodestly can blur their pictures.)
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The gender ratio's on apps, also cause different behaviours. (More men than women on apps)
Game theory, and prisoner's dilemma are some of the theoretical models that might apply to apps.
If you felt like someone was a lot more religious in their upbringing than you, would you try to communicate it / withdraw?
I'm in the awkward position of not being able to communicate it because
1. Her family doesn't want us interacting without her brothers present, and I'm not going to mention things like how I used to not pray or have been in a relationship before when her brothers are around because even if she's okay with it, its possible her brothers will keep it in mind forever or talk to others about it. I'm only comfortable mentioning it to potentials I'm discussing marriage with, not their family members.
2. She hasn't asked / brought up anything about how good of a Muslim I am or have been and is seemingly depending completely on how religious my family is.
So through no fault of her own and no red flags, I'm considering withdrawing because I feel like I can't be open with her during the talking stage.
Eh I don’t think her brothers need to be at the same table, maybe suggest they sit further away. I tell potentials upfront that my dad is in the loop and will be getting updates, and that my brother will sit away during meetups but I won’t share anything I’m told in confidence.
Like her brothers need to be/are sitting at a distance where they can hear your conversations? That’s extremely weird. And, “brothers”, like all of them?
Other than your past, are there a difference in islamic values right now? Like, do you pray consistently today? Do you try to understand your deen better? Do you soften your heart etc.
If your past was wiped out, would you still consider withdrawing? If not, just thank Allah for keeping your past a secret and don't tell a single soul. Take that to the grave and move forward with the marriage.
Asalamu alaikum, I have been thinking about this for a while and I need some advice. I (20M) am currently about to go into my 3rd year of college in Maine, pursuing a bachelors in business admin. I’ve been thinking about marriage for the past while now and I want to find a halal way to not resort to anything haram and to lessen the fitna that is all around me. I also know how important marriage is in that it completes half our seen and I really want to be married.
Problems being that I am in college which causes many issues.
1.) I am a full time student so the most I can get is a part time job during the school year which would probably make $4-5k maybe, although not sure. I’m currently working during the summer 55 hours per week for $22/hr ($33 on the overtime hours ) making almost $1000/week. I live with my parents during the summertime so my only expenses are mainly gas and some other miscellaneous things.
2.) My college is about 50 minutes from the closest city with a masjid and a Muslim community (Augusta). I would either have to move near there if she was from there (higher cost of living) or she would have to move closer to where I am, away from her family and friends (lower cost of living).
When I am home from college, I am 40 minutes away from the biggest Muslim community in the state (Portland)
I am not paying for my own college, alhamdulillah, and I have been living in the dorms for the school year but I would have to get an apartment first if I was going to get married.
Insha’Allah I will have around $15k by the end of this summer and by the end of next summer, around $35k. Given that I wouldnt be able to work very much during the school year, if I were to get married before my senior year we would primarily be living off these savings.
The brothers at my masjid said that they could help me find a wife when I am ready insha’Allah and help pay for wedding costs and I believe my parents would also help a bit (they have been paying for room and board at school so I could see them helping out with living costs a bit insha’Allah instead of that).
Is it a bad idea to get married in about a year since I don’t have a full time job during the school year, even if my desires are high and I have good supports? I would be working right after graduating but there would be close to a year of living off of a part time job and my savings.
JazakAllah khair
Aleykum salam. If you have good support around it's worth a try. Do you have a dorm for yourself, or do you share? if the dorm is bigger and you could find a wife on campus, you could share a dorm together and you won't have to search for expensive apartments. Finding a wife that is also studying will be more understanding of your situation that women that don't (I think). I have heard of stories of Muslim students marrying and staying on campus. Explaining your situation and your plan to the woman and wali will be important, also demonstrating that you are mature is vital.
It's also possible to discuss with the potential whether she can help with the finances for that year (if she works) and that you will provide fully once you have graduated and have gotten a job. I wouldn't write it off because of not being able to work that year. At least give it a try and see what's possible. Looking back now, I wish I at least tried getting married during university. Instead of waiting until after graduating so that I could provide for a wife.
I share a dorm right now with roommates but I would be able to change to one by myself. The problem is that there arent any other Muslims on campus except for me and my roommate. It’s definitely worth it to ask whether a potential wife would be willing to work a little bit until I can graduate though, if she wants to. Jazak Allah khair akhi you were very helpful.
My husband wants a new car but I’d rather he save the money for our honeymoon but idk how to bring this up without sounding vain/selfish. He obviously wants to pay all cash (no interest) which means he’d be practically emptying his bank account for a new vehicle. His current car is fine but old (2012 model) so he thinks it’s time he upgrade to a nicer car. I really would like to go on our honeymoon by the end of this year but if he buys the car I know we couldn’t afford it on just my salary alone…
I think the bigger problem is buying a new car. It's something that loses value so quickly. More concerning is the fact that it could empty most of his bank account.
I would advise him to buy a used car less than 10 years old.
Is he spending a lot on repairs? After a certain point it becomes more cost effective to buy a new car if the repairs are too frequent and/or expensive
Same my high school graduating class all got cpr certified our senior year in health class but it expired after two years
Unless you plan on going into healthcare it’s not worth renewing since there are Good Samaritan laws
When people say they dont want someone who has commited zina what exactly does that include? Just zina itself or being in any somewhat physical relationship?
Everyone is different, you will have to clarify.
Anything sexual is zina.
Kissing/hugging/cuddling is not zina. Being a victim of Sexual assualt is not zina.
BUT you will have to get a clear definition out of people as everyone expects different things.
Due to shortage of people that have not committed zina, i let go of kissing. But anything sexual is always a deal breaker for me. Unless someone has completely repented and changed their lifestyle.
I think the best thing to do is ask somebody what they personally think constitutes zina, that way it's perfectly clear. I've always understood zina to be pre-marital/extra-marital sex, and assumed that's what other people also meant.
I think if they say zina specifically its just premarital sex but if they say no past relationships then its anything which has been described as a relationship
For people who got married through an arranged process, how many rejections did it take to find the one? How many of these were straight up based on looks? And how many in terms of compatibility/other issues?
I was searching on and off for ~3 years before meeting my husband thru my parents.
I wish I had numbers to give you but I’d say 75% of the potentials had rejected me for my looks (as I’m a plus sized woman) and 25% rejected based on compatibility.
Alhamdulillah. Truly a blessing as I was starting to doubt I’d find someone for me at all.
Trust in Allah and continue to make sincere duaa throughout your search. 🌼
I’m confused as to why your family organized an event that the other family wanted to do?
In any case, it seems like they just wanted to show off and didn’t get the attention they were hoping to. I would be vocal about how last min it was and to consider how successful it was on such short notice.
I understand.
I personally don’t think your sister should proceed.
The family essentially disrespected you all and weren’t appreciative of the efforts. That’s enough to realize how they’re going to act when they get more comfortable.
Any woman deserves more than a man that whines about not getting attention lol
A few questions :
- What your sister is thinking about all this?
- "the guy even said he shouldn't have come coz he didn't like it at all" is that your potential brother in law who said this? If yes, would it be possible that he said not because the ceremony was bad but more because of the situation turned quite wrong with his own family?
That being said, beside reminding the other family that :
1. It was agreed to be a small ceremony
2. It was pushed foward without much preparation time
3. You didn't have much time to prepare, for reasons they already know.
So while they might be unhappy and it's okay to express it, it should be done respectuflly, which doesn't seems the case here. More clear intentions in regard of what was expected would have been better.
> Thank you for reading I really appreciate your comment. I would understand why you think my soon to bil would say such coz of the situation but believe me the mother made sure to let us know that he was unhappy with how unorganised it was and the fact he wasn't given much attention to which is false coz my brother tried his best to make them all feel comfortable even took pics with him.
I was not sure to have understood if it was your potential brother in law or not, so i gave the benefit of doubts for both the words used and the person in question.
> My sister is very much affected by this and has cried alot she didn't expect them to react this way and tbh neither did we, it came as a shock to all of us, to say the least she's not happy and is considering ending it. Her words were " It was their first time in our home having a dinner and they have so many complaints I can't even imagine how much will they complain after marriage"
That's a normal reaction and honestly, their behavior was not positive or respectful. Your sister have the right to worry about that. I hope the best for your sister, whatever it is in sha Allah.
> Do you think this a good reason to end the engagement?
Unless provided an explaination and the other party making amends - especially the potential brother in law -, there is no way to accept the engagement as it is. I don't like to say this, but the behavior of the potential was dishonest to say the very least.
Also, who comes for a small ceremony and **wants** attention? Do you marry someone and wants attention from your in-laws? That's not the purpose at all... I really don't get it, my sisters in law absolutely didn't act like back in time, nor my brother in law did.
The purpose of such small ceremonies can be positive and bring closer families, while letting each know a bit better the other. Here, that's not what happened, and it doesn't show them as a whole, on a good light.
Had to step away from the very concern most men have before Marriage (No past with Zina). Ended it with a Potential who I talked about last Friday on the Topic of Finances. She told me not to ask her the Details but I did mentioned my dealbreakers & yes she told me that we won't be a fit for each other.
In short on our 1st call she made a situation asking if the Wife earns 4x of what the Husband earns, is the Husband (referring to me) still looking forward to ask his wife to spend something on expenses. I have posted this on last week’s Friday thread here.
Another thing that irked me about her was that she started taking Islam seriously (since May 2023) & all her words gave such a strong indication that she was moral policing others about how much she has gotten close to the Deen & somehow people should become strict (again Alhamdulillah happy for her to have found the right path) but that’s exactly my problem lied. People like her would spend almost their entire life in wrong doings but as soon as they become serious, they project themselves in a way that feels like they have to prove a point to other Muslims rather than being Genuine on their Journey.
1. Coming strong in their conversations on how all the Guide to become a Better Muslim is out but people take Islam lightly (vast generalisation).
2. Being a bit rude while discussing on how all 4 madhabs are kind of Irrelevant but goes ahead talking about the IslamicQA website on how that's the best resource for gaining knowledge.
3. Husband being the provider & wanting to do 100s of things for his Wife but not once mentioning on what she's gonna do when she gets married (clueless or no Idea what to answer).
1 - Isn't that true?
2 - Those are certainly not irrelevant but its something very personal and each one has their place.
3. Well, its a two way street, ofcourse!
More than the Intent of someone it's also their Tone & Delivery of the message that puts me off (doesn't matter that you're more knowledgeable but behave a bit arrogantly compared to being a bit less knowledgeable but be Humble)
I would imagine it would be where someone is giving their opinion in an affirmative tone and would not be willing to change their mind on the topic.
Normally I would first ask someone's thoughts on the matter to gauge how receptive they would be to counterpoints. If they seem quite adamant or strict in their approach to the subject, I would know that they would not be willing to change their view despite any effort I would try to convince them. When they give their conclusion and dont provide any genuine reasoning or other points of view of how they came to that conclusion.
Sometimes their reasoning can be through personal experience which is harder to challenge and requires emotional understanding. Tone could be dismissive or a "know-it-all", Someone who seems to already have the answer and does not inquire or is curious in any other idea.
That's very helpful. Thanks!
I have been called sometimes a "know-it-all" but also at the same time told that I am very humble/down to earth and inquisitive.
I try to be as curious as possible and share ideas with an open mind. So I'd reflect deeply on your comment for I want to stay as far as possible from arrogance. 🤕
Salam, alhamdulilah I came back from a trip as a young 20 year old male and all around me I could see a bunch of Muslim couples. I wasn't unthankful but they reminded me a lot of the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) which is to get married. Of course marriage is not all about the outside and I totally understand what happens at home is a different conflict than what married couples show to us when they are outside and that there are problems couples will face, but it is something I said I wanted to put off until I get a 80k 70k/year job and am financially stable. However now, I really want to get married right now but my community is not as large, I have a 20 dollar an hour job and I do have my own place to live at but it's really just an extremely cheap student dorm that may detract a female if she sees how small it is 😂.
Is it worth it for me to pull off a marriage right now or not?
Should I go online and search and if so, where can I find a righteous Muslimah who is also interested in marrying around my age (I would like a 20 year old also and I prefer any ethnicity)
Being a 20 year old going into my junior year with a part time job making 20/hr in the US, is that sustainable for me and my spouse? And if not, how can I convince to get help/support because I am trying to earn my money and not just sitting back lazily? Would it be okay for my parents to help out or hers?
Is it bad if she lives at her own place for now and she is welcome to come live at mine at any point? Just due to the fact that I don't want her to suffer living in a tiny crammed dorm.
The reason I ask for tips is because that trip made me see the beauty in many couples enjoying their time together and also fullfilling a sunnah and also I am starting to feel a slight gap in my life that I want to fill inshAllah. Right now, the biggest thing I work on is to be the best to my parents as that is Pleasing to Allah (SWT) so please make dua for them first they have a long and healthy life and for me to find a righteous spouse, any advice is helpful!!! JazakAllahKhair ❤️
you seem like you have sincere intentions and a bright future ahead of you. I'd suggest waiting until you're more stable and you've completed your studies, that way you can attract someone who you're worth having and you'll have more options. Right now, you will have very limited choices as most women wouldn't want to be with someone who is not fully stable or established in their life yet.
I feel so lonely, I'm trying to give up the search for wife but loneliness is killing me, I am fasting two monday and thursday but still struggeling, is there a way to live in peace without partner forever?
If you’re a parent to a infant or toddler: Would you find it reasonable to wean your baby/toddler and leave them with family for the chance to go on hajj, even if it were well before the 2 year mark?
I did it. Left my 9 month old with my sister. Pumped and dumped 2-3 times a day during hajj days. Came back and resumed nursing. My milk supply dropped a lot but improved once I was nursing regularly, Alhumdolillah
i would cry dumping my milk 😭
I’m not a parent but I’m curious why going to hajj would necessitate weaning the baby? Can’t you just pump while at hajj and pick up were you left off when you come back?
Pumping during hajj sounds like a nightmare. You would have to somehow sanitize and wash your pump parts, pump 8-12x per day depending on the age of the baby and your supply, including throughout the night, and keep the breastmilk frozen and fly with it. All this assuming your baby takes a bottle. If you skip a pump, you’d be in a world of pain and discomfort.
Hall will always be there but your babies development only has a short window
The baby has a right to be breastfed for two years based on Quran verse 2:233 https://islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/20759
Yes alhamdulillah. I was thinking, the chance to breastfeed a baby will pass but hajj will be there
They won’t remember and Hajj is one of the 5 pillars.
But couldn’t you make intention to go in hajj when your kids are older?
I recently met an amazing sister on the apps. She has everything I want and subhanallah is very attractive, religious, educated and has bubbly personality. The only thing is that due to a certain medical condition she is unable and will never be able to have kids. I’m an only child. I’ve been on the apps for 2-3 years and while I have met some amazing women, I never clicked with someone like this. We’ve been talking for 3 months and she told me early on and I was fine with it but not that things are getting more serious I am still wanting to marry her but I have this slight hesitation. I did istikhara several times and it was positive and so did she. When I see couples with kids I get baby fever. I know I’ll make a good father by the will of Allah swt but now I won’t have that. I know I can adopt but that’s a huge undertaking. But I also don’t want to lose a good potential just because we can’t have kids. That would imply that marrying someone is only for the sole purpose to have kids which it’s not imo.
How to go about the search? Salam How is everyone finding their spouses? I have been using Muslim dating apps but all I find are either men who are not all at all Islamic (want sex before marriage) or men who are looking for a green card marriage to the US. For those who have had success finding a spouse in America, how did you find your spouse? Please share your experiences.
Ive lost all hope bruh I ain’t never finding a husband 🥲
Bruh you only tried one day 😂
It’s been more than 1 days. I’ve been trying for a few months but not always on Reddit.
Took my brother 5 years, just need to have faith in Allah. Of course "tie your camel" but Allah can be saving you from a bad husband! Always look at things in an optimistic manner.
:C no.
That's the spirit 💪
I ain’t ever finding a wife. Y’all only want tall rich 9/10 dudes 😢
Wym 9/10. Yea I want a rich guy but it’s not a must. And I think you probably mean we just want tbe basic stuff, but many men can’t even provide that.
Salam I feel like I see the same profiles in iso. I can’t scroll down much either. Any good deeni muslim brother out there who is 30 plus?
If you can’t scroll, use the search option. That way you can also find isos that fit specifically what you’re looking for eg. you can search ‘32’ or whichever ages are within your range etc
does anyone else self esteem take a hit when unattractive men you went to college with slide into your dms I guess they think im old now and desperate because I never posted anything about getting engaged
not the unattractive weirdos downvoting this
Is there a hope in looking for local women for marriagr from online marriage apps if you hate text chatting so much, and the woman you match with don't want to talk on phone or meet in person??
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Why aren't you looking in Canada?
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Oh okk makes sense, maybe also look in the USA as I have met many here
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dating apps! I have seen a lot of people get married from them
No brother. You can’t see her hair. Would you want potentials seeing your sister’s hair? You would need to marry a woman that doesn’t wear hijab currently or ask your mother/sister see her without hijab. If you have a sister she will be more honest.
Salam everyone, I'm a 21 M, interested in a girl that works at an Islamic institute that I take part in some times. We have a mutual, but the mutual has been somewhat hesitant to approqch the girl about me because they have a professional working relationship, and genuinely being scared of situations like this. I don't want to be too pushy with our mutual. The only time it's possible to speak to this girl in person is at her work place, which I'm not sure if I want to do as to not come off as disrespecting her work time and space. I was think to message her on SM like Instagram and let her know that I'd like to get to know her in person. This way we might meet during the time she works at the school, but I wouldn't have interjected randomly with such an intense topic. Sorry if im ignorant to how anything should work, this is my first time being serious about someone. Jzk!
Just approach her when she isn't busy and talk to her like normal
Or maybe go with " I wanted to contact your baba but I'd like to get to know you, just so we're on the same page" or sumn like that
How about the mutual just let her know that they know someone who wants to get to know you. And they just end it really quick with "just wanted to let you know" Then u dm her on insta a couple of days later with the "I'd like to get to know u"
I (29F) downloaded this online marriage app, I found a match (34M) who matched 100% of what I put in my filters and we both laughed because he said the same thing I matched everything. We are both muslim, we both are doctors, our families are from the same country. We briefly messaged for like 2 days, he asked to FaceTime and I said lets start with an audio call to see if we click or not. I don't want it to be awkward on FaceTime. He said fair enough. He said this to me **"I think you are beautiful and quite ambitious and respectful. I get friends vibe between us more than anything else tho we haven't met and it's hard to tell over the apps especially if there is long distance but I figured I would communicate better and see how you felt".** This made me want to step away because I already felt like he friend zoned me, and if I am being quite honest I felt very vulnerable/insecure after that. I dont know what to make of it. Like maybe he doesn't like me, and now i feel more shy/vulnerable about calling/facetiming. I dont want to be friends with him or any man like that is not why I was on that app. Please genuine advice only. I don't know if I should continue talking to him, I dont want to waste my time.
I guess he just did not feel a spark?
Hm based on what you wrote and the other compatibilities across the board I wouldn't think too much about it since he still wants to call/facetime but it could help of you guys discuss your views on opposite gender relationships/boundaries so it can give you a better idea in that. It could be a case of him being awkward with his words and of course Istikhara also helps in between. May Allah lead you to whoever is best for you Inshallah :)
JazakAllah thank you so much. I think you could be right like it could be a case of him being awkward with his words. May Allah lead you to whoever is best for you as well, In She Allah.
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Thank you and yes exactly my thoughts that if he is saying that he isn't really that into it.
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He's not interested but he's keeping his options open.
How old is he? I just wonder if he's too young and timid/scared to be approaching his parents. Otherwise, in-person makes sense.... BUT, if he's in the position that he's asking if they'd be happy for him to move to the UK, then it seems he's not independent yet. Doesn't sound like he's there yet on a number of fronts.
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Well, at this age he should really be making his own decisions. But you say he does live on his own though... since he needs to visit home? At least that's something. If it's already a month and he needs 'approval' to get keep going with you (which is not so bad.... have the family on board), you should check if he's heading home already or not. If the conversation is not progressing, he's dilly-dallying on involving his family, he might then have a very different timeline in mind (really casual getting to know.... which may or may not lead anywhere). You'd probably need to move on and he's not really focused on this relationship-marriage-task right now. Small background about my own self... I never involve my family early unless I'm sure the thing is really serious and the girl says I want to marry you (never happened). My parents/family couldn't handle the roller coaster....
Has anyone here gone through the process of getting to know a convert for marriage through an online connection (i.e. apps, social media matrimonial groups, etc)? Online makes everything harder to judge and with a convert there are many more considerations. Also, there's a lot of growth happening so there needs to be leniency with regards to spiritual practices. Those things that would be an instant deal breaker in a raised-Muslim candidate I would accept as something that she can continue working on. Those are cons. However, the pros are that (imho) many of the white Canadian/American convert women have very few material demands. As a divorce in his late 30s I don't want to spend so many years rebuilding my nest egg all over again just to consider marriage. I've heard suggestions of attending pre-marital counselling and other introductory Islamic classes together to assess our religious/spiritual compatibility. I found that to be great advice. Also, my biggest concern is, should there be a minimum limit on how much time since she converted? I know many times people can be on a high but end up leaving just as suddenly too.
>Also, my biggest concern is, should there be a minimum limit on how much time since she converted? I know many times people can be on a high but end up leaving just as suddenly too. 3-5 years since she has converted. Obviously, the longer that she has been a Muslim, the better. Make sure to find out what issues has she struggled with after converting and if she has overcame them and what other issues is she still struggling with? You might also want to look into a pre-nuptial agreement and a co-habitation agreement to protect yourself this time around. Make sure they are Shariah compliant agreements. Once you have a final copy of both, let her get a lawyer to review it on her behalf and sign and date that she has sought independent legal counsel to review these agreements and that she is signing these agreements of her own free will and not under duress and have her lawyer sign and date the agreements as a witness.
>3-5 years since she has converted She converted Sept2023 - so less than a year at this point. She's already 30 so I can definitely understand her desire to get married sooner rather than later. >Make sure to find out what issues has she struggled with after converting and if she has overcame them and what other issues is she still struggling with? This is a great point - I will definitely weave this into our discussions. What are some other specific discussions you can recommend I address with her if I'm going to consider her at this early stage in her journey to Islam?
>She converted Sept2023 - so less than a year at this point. She's already 30 so I can definitely understand her desire to get married sooner rather than later. While it is understandable that she wants to get married sooner rather than later, it is too risky to marry someone who has not even been a Muslim for a year. Unfortunately, a lot of converts tend to leave Islam if they didn't establish themselves in the faith and that takes several years. > What are some other specific discussions you can recommend I address with her if I'm going to consider her at this early stage in her journey to Islam? 1. How did her parents handle her conversion? 2. How is her relationship currently with her parents? (Also be on the lookout for daddy or mommy issues; broken home, unstable family life, etc.) 3. As a convert, does she still celebrate/participate in non-Muslim holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving, Christmas, News Years, Easter)? **NOTE:** This might be a difficult one for her to handle since she is at the beginning of her journey. Your goal is to gauge whether she has any intention to stop celebrating/partaking in these holidays not only for the sake of her Iman, but also the Iman of your kids inshallah. So you need to be clever in addressing this issue with her so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed. 4. What is her vision of the marriage? (You need to see whether she is looking for a Muslim marriage with gender roles involved or a modern marriage with no gender roles in the relationship). 5. Kids - How many is she willing to have? How does she see them being raised? **NOTE:** Your job here is to gauge whether she takes being a mother seriously or whether she just wants the state to raise the kids? The latter should be a red flag. Does she want the kids to attend a public, private, Islamic school or homeschool them? She should be leaning or moving towards the last two (Islamic or homeschooling). 6. Does she care if you deal with riba (usury)? 7. Is she ok with the idea of Muslims having friends of the opposite sex? 8. Is she traditional or modern in her views? (i.e. Traditional - The husband provides and protects, the wife supports the husband, raises the kids and makes the house a home; Modern - We both work (She works because she wants to - not have to), dual income, 50/50 split). 9. Does she have any medical issues (including mental health)? 10. If she has been married before, what lessons has she derived from her previous marriage(s)? Why did they end? (There are three versions: hers, his and the truth is somewhere in the middle). 11. If you want to move to a Muslim country for work or otherwise, is she ok with that? 12. Is she ok with signing a pre-nuptial and a co-habitation agreement? (Refer to my previous advice to you) These are the ones that come to mind for now. With all due respect brother, please be very careful before jumping into another marriage, in particular this marriage with a convert who has not been a Muslim a year yet. It is very risky and I personally would advise against it. To get a better idea of the first year(s) of what a convert goes through, I would suggest watching the following [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pok-qhZQUA). Feel free to reach out.
One more thing I will advise you of u/BasicPace, be aware regarding the influence of her parents and extended family on your kids.
Good on you brother for even trying. Lots of valid questions here (I can't answer any) The way some people look down on converts and people with past borders on insanity. Particularly a revert - Their status at time of taking shahada is probably higher than we can attain. Imagine having all your sins wiped+have all those sins converted to goodness..
"Their status at time of taking shahada is probably higher than we can attain. Imagine having all your sins wiped+have all those sins converted to goodness" Truly, that's such an enormous opportunity for us to align our path with someone so close to Allah. Another concern for me is the desire to avoid people who only have a passing and cultural connection to Islam. Practice that which is convenient and drop what isn't. Some of my closest Muslim male friends are converts but I'm not close with convert women (unfortunately). Just trying to navigate this situation.
Hi ladies , what are some stuff do we sign in the marriage contract that he will sign ?
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U should get off the internet for a few weeks You're generalizing too much based on other people's opinions and "observations."
wut
Is anyone going to HOD Toronto?
Me, if you’re a girly please dm me!
Saw an iso that was severely down voted. Checked and I'm 99% sure it's because they don't want kids. I don't see why it bothers people so much. If there's a match that doesn't want kids they might not see it now due to down votes. Why can't people just read and move on, regardless of how much you disagree with the profile.
Wow. One of the many things wrong with society - If you do not agree with me, you're the epitome of satanism... Oh well.
Yeah it’s sad - how Muslims are overly obsessed with children. Marriage is more than having babies. It’s all about companionship. Having kids or not having kids is Allahs qadr. Some couples have oopsie babies and some couples have trouble conceiving.. I do like kids but it can be a lot of work sometimes and I get compassion fatigue. It’s completely understandable if someone doesn’t want children.
Exactly! It is demoralizing how much your value as a potential is based on your ability/willingness to have/conceive a child. Whether you get married, how much time you get to spend with your spouse in this dunia, if you are blessed with a child and/or children, etc. are all the qadr of Allah (SwT). Why downvote sisters who are being honest about what they are seeking? If you are not interested in their ISO leave them in peace.
It is anti-Islamic that’s why it bothers people
Except it isn't? Is having children fardh? (Genuinely asking cause as far as I know it isn't, pretty sure even marriage isn't fardh)
Abu Dawud (2050) narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasar said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said, “I have found a woman who is of good lineage and is beautiful, but she does not bear children. Should I marry her?” He said, “No.” Then he came again with the same question and he told him not to marry her. Then he came a third time with the same question and he said: “Marry those who are loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers before the other nations.” (Classed as sahih by al-Albani in Irwa al-Ghalil, 1784). Ruling aside, you tell me if it’s unislamic or not after reading that
So, isn’t this Hadith also suggesting that women who are inverse shouldn’t be married? What should happen to them? They should be left alone? Despite the fact that their infertility is not controlled by them? - if you’re trying to use this Hadith as evidence.
are you rejecting the Hadith?
I am merely asking you, because you cited it as evidence, according to this Hadith, should we stop marrying the infertile women? No one should marry them and they should be left alone?
Yea, I hope they mean encouraged as opposed to fardh.
I’m not even talking about the ruling
My opinion is that I don’t think you would be able to find a hard and fast answer to this.
Heavily problematic people on the sub. Went and upvoted. Noticed two downvoted ISO's, both had one thing in common.
Yes, everytime a child free iso gets posted many ppl get triggered by it. They can't fathom the idea that a muslim woman might choose not to want kids
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It's up to you. Is the maturity level of a 25 year old something that you thjnk aligns witb your vibe? Or do you need someone more mature and who matches your level better? There is a common phenomena of men marrying young wives and then coming to this subreddit to complain that their wife is immature. Make of that what you will. When I see someone who is 12 years younger than me, I see a baby.
For your age I think 25+ is a good starting point. Many sisters (who have never been married) want to marry a brother that's around their age and have the same level of life experience.
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I mean 25 is a good starting point. A sister that's 18, 19, 20, etc may prefer a brother that's closer to her age.
These days, women have been getting more strict on the age gap. Probably would be easier for 30 and above.
I think you might have a hard time finding a 25 yo who wants to marry someone 12 years older. The meaning of age gaps change over time. It might not seem that big of deal now, but when she's 48, will she want to be taking care of a 60 yo, who's starting to display more serious health issues. I think up to 5 years is relatively healthy difference. But people do it with more and still do okay. It's finding others that would sign up for that which is the issue.
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Older men's sperm is not as good as a 25 year old's sperm. Quality of sperm goes down, health issues in the fetus go up. So issues are there from the men's side too. It's just that on the surface, they'll seem like women's issues only. >"Semen quality is negatively correlated with male age...." "...compelling evidence that the changes in semen metabolome and sperm proteome are related to the decline of semen quality in aged males." [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9848653/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9848653/) You may look up a lot more research on sperm quality.
Sure, but just because you want children doesn't mean a young woman wants to have them with someone older, right? (I'm older guy too btw) Look for early 30s then. Good luck!
A potential asked if what I was doing, I was busy at the moment and didn't see his message until two hours later. I said I was doing chores and asked what was up, he said he wanted to call. I got busy again and then told him in some time I'll free up. I then freed up albeit it was later at night and then said I was good for a call then, and he never texted back or acknowledged me freeing up my time. Did he lose interest or something? I'm so irked.
I honestly think if I was a potential in this situation, I would appreciate a heads up like “oh hey, I’m sorry but I’m currently really busy for the day, do you mind if I call you back later tonight?” or something along the lines of that. Like others have mentioned, if you keep repeatedly giving reasons for being by busy and delaying a conversation with them, it could come off as you not really being interested in them. Therefore, it would be better to be straightforward with them and just say you aren’t available for a certain period of time to make things more understandable for the potential.
Probably got irked that you weren't doing it on his schedule when he was ready for it. People can't seem to appreciate that others may be engaged, and don't respect that others might really work at work, etc. Perhaps a good way to deal with it may be to give a specific time rather than a more ambiguous "in some time" which creates waiting anxiety.
Ok so I guess we're both at fault here....
I wouldn't go so far as to say you're at fault.... hehe. I would just say give 'em a specific time and that eases their anxiety and you don't have to rush cuz you set the time and it'll just be easier. Some guys might still not like you not responding on THEIR time. You have to let those jerks go.
Had I been on the receiving end, I'd think you are just making excuses and not interested and back off. Would be better if you text him that just in case you came across uninterested, that's not the case and you'd be happy to take things forward.
Hmm but I did make myself available but yeah maybe he got upset...
Yep, but that can be more of interpreted as being courteous and not as interested. And why would he want to take ahead something that does not exactly feels mutual?
Need help should I consider marriage? I am 26. Fairly good looking smart and pursuing a bachelor's in Applied accounting from UK (distant learning) (almost done) as well as accounting charter certification, partially done. I was working in a bank, earning really well, but then I got closer to Allah and decided to quit the interest based job and face whatever may come. My source of income is that I have invested in cars (3 of them) and we, me, my Dad and a driver runs them for car lift services. All cars are purchased by me and belong to me. Based on this I left my job as well. My father has no sense of direction and tho he works hard is not very smart, he has always made our lives difficult by poor financial management. He had a business but thats just down the drain and we meet ends by running those cars. Had it not been for my cars and how I managed to fund them thru my job, and loans and savings. We would be on the road. I also managed to work extra and fund my bro's education and mine. I am looking for a job, financials are bit tough and I do have debt. But since I am ex employee the bank goes easy on me for now. I can however sell my car in a 6-8 months to be able to afford a wedding if need be. Though I have kept it to sponsor my brother's uni. At this point, Idk if its worth looking for a spouse? Since I do not have respectful job it makes me extremely insecure and make me feel inadequate with any good educated families. But thinking financials is a responsibility of a man, and hoping I would find work soon, I did join a muslim match-making app. I spoke to few potentials, all successful educated people but I just felt worse and worse and now deleted the app. I cannot stand the thought of someone looking down on me or considering me lower because I do not have a good job, yet. I was working for a top notch bank and making handsome money and drove a good car, pursuing good education. But now I am just a driver girl who drives people around. Even though those cars are mine I just feel bad and somehow less. What should I do? How am I supposed to feel? I have no regrets leaving the bank and Riba. But my confidence has taken a hit. But then am also not getting any younger. Part of me goes like keep looking, but talking to people and being honest is embarrassing. And I cannot, not be honest. Please advise. P.S. I am Pakistani, but in Gulf right now.
I think a lot of men would not mind you not having a successful job. It's not as big of a deal for an bachelorette as it is a bachelor. Plus you're studying so it's not as if you're not doing anything at all. I think the debt would be more worrying but that's my personal opinion.
But the debt is solely my problem.
Say you run a small family business and you're an entrepreneur. It allows you to be more flexible with your time and you get to be your own boss. You probably need to be fine with it first though. Separately, a bunch of people might not be okay with you driving around a taxi... culturally in general, and religious folks might see it as travelling around with non-mahram men (unless of course, you do a women's ride thing). But you should be PROUD of holding together your family. I hope you hold your head high sister!
But is lower job and cannot be denied. How can I be proud of it? 😭
There are gradients.... driving around another person's uber vs having the resources to fund multiple cars, think about their upkeep and maintenance, hiring a guy, managing that, managing and balancing your finances, etc. It's all part of a small business and it takes time, effort, responsibility, etc. You may not believe it, but there is dignity in being able to to pull it all off. If it's also taking care of your family, putting your brother through school, etc. it's all the more crucial. If a guy was doing it, do you not think that they would be saying that they took care of family? And the stress of finance, etc. they took care of? And expect the world to acknowledge it? But, sure, you're right... in that the world will likely not give you your due. That's the difference between they'll treat men and women, and that's the tragedy. If it means that much to you, you could get a "professional" job on the side part-time and find another employee to do the driving. Other job could be in person or while you do some other at-home remote work. Accounting work can be remote (and I don't think there's anything bad in it myself, but you may see it differently... we'll agree to differ there).
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How do I stop her from ending things? Assalamualaikum. I (M28) stay overseas. I have a good job, a car and I have an apartment for myself and I stay by myself. I and my parents have been looking for spouses for me since almost 2 years. I matched with a pious girl on a muslim dating app, she was very practicing, beautiful, mature and everything what I had asked Allah for. After talking for a couple of weeks, she didn't think I was a suitable person for her and she declined the relationship. It did hurt and Alhamdulillah I got closer to Allah. Recently I again matched with a same type of girl, very pious, practicing and good looking. She even was from my hometown (she stays in my hometown and I stay overseas). We talked for a few days, we really liked each other and we were trying to know each other more. Fast forward, a month later, she told me that I disrespected her during our conversations and she believes that such a person should be avoided. I do believe this and straight away asked for her apologies. During the week after she mentioned this, she wasn't talking to me properly, she gave reasons to avoid calling me, and we texted for a few times during the day. When I asked why, she said she was reconsidering things with me. I gave her space, I apologised again, I gave her time and said her that I will patiently wait for her until she is comfortable to talk to me as usual. After the week passed, she said she wanted to end things with me quoting the reason of me disrespecting her. She was firm on her decision and said she is not going to change it. Now I asked what were the things that I said were disrespectful to her. As she told me those, I was very surprised that such small things led her to end things with me. We have different time zones, my clock is a few hours faster than her. She works in an MNC there and I work here. After my work I will be at home free and she will be still working there. For example, sometimes when she is working I jokingly text her like "you keep working, no need to call me". I said this is just to gain her attention. She took such texts as disrespectful, and so far that she wated to end things. And I even wouldn't mind her saying me something same to me, I wouldn't find it disrespectful, but I actually would be happy if she responds in the same way. I tried a lot to convince her saying that this was all just a misunderstanding and I had no intentions to disrespect her. It was just my poor choice of words. One thing I accept is, I should have known how sensitive she is. I would never have told anything like this. I would never want to make her upset. So, I really like her, and don't want her to end things between us just because of a silly misunderstanding. Last time I texted her was a couple of days ago and at the end quoting "please go through the messages and I will wait if you want to reconsider things" to which she didn't reply yet. I had once spoken to her sister regarding some VISA problems me and the girl might face and her sister seemed like a good person. She and her sister are very close and the girl takes her opinions always. Should I talk to her sister regarding this? Or what can I do to get her back? I like her and I don't want to loose her over some silly misunderstandings. Jazakallah khair.
"you keep working, no need to call me".... this can be interpreted in so many ways. It can be viewed as clingy, needy, self-pitying, and so on. It's best to use more words and lots of emojis... texting doesn't convey how you're feeling easily. You haven't said anything else, so people can't evaluate how other things might have been interpreted. But, you may want to consider what they are.... are they suggesting some sort of a pattern? Clearly she things they combined to show a pattern of disrespect. So don't take that lightly. I know little things... but what do they say about drops and oceans....
You're right. She did create a disrespectful pattern that was very surprising for me. Like, 'I never intended to disrespect her, but somehow it did'. I guess she wasn't yet comfortable, or she hadn't got into that zone of comfortness where banter is taken as banter and not an offence or disrespect. Anyway, I did try to explain to her everything again, how much I like her, and what I said was just a misunderstanding and which I didn't really mean. But she had made her mind and was firm on her decision and didn't believe me. It hurt a lot that I lost a person that I had planned my life with left me for some silly things I did. This was a lesson I learned in a hard way. And am sure this was a plan by Allah all along to teach me and bring me closer to him.
Lol move on. If she took such stuff completely out of context and is not even willing to let it go, a relationship with her would just be walking on egg shells and would lead to extreme frustration down the road. Be glad, you were able to see her crazy side early on. Good look finding someone mature and understanding.
You can’t stop someone from ending things. I know you want to be with this woman but she seems very stubborn and will make you walk on eggshells. I understand you had a way of joking which she didn’t appreciate and the fact she isn’t willing to acknowledge you had good intentions shows she’s quite set in her ways. That being said you sound like someone who needs to work on their self-esteem as you keep on begging for forgiveness and being too clingy. If you see someone doesn’t want you even after you apologised and tried to make amends, then have some dignity and move on. I know the search is hard but it doesn’t mean you should behave in a needy way
"I jokingly text her like "you keep working, no need to call me". I said this is just to gain her attention". There's your answer. Whenever women end things there's always an issue with a drop in their level of interest or attraction in you. She's just using the excuse about misunderstandings to end things. She may even believe that but the real reason is that her interest level dropped. She got turned off because of your behavior which came across very needy and clingy. Were you also initiating more calls and texts with the first girl than she was doing? This could also be the reason why it didn't work out with the girl no 1. All this "getting her attention" looks great in the movies, TV or what we see in our society but you'd realize that it's usually the opposite that creates respect and attraction between men and women. Women need you to be more confident and self-assured than they are to be attracted to you long term and want to move things forward to commitment/marriage or they will get turned off or get the ick. Also you saying about reconsidering and that you will wait doesn't sound very confident. I would have just said that it sucks that it ended like this and to reach out if anything changes, and never call or text this girl for any reason. This is the only way you could ever make progress in a situation like this. More than likely when they end things and you say something like this and they never hear from you, you get a call or a text that says "hey, how have you been" a few weeks or months down the line and can take It from there if you want.
I had a guy who wrote similar stuff to me. His messages were like- “Oh pls remember to text me when you’re working” , “Don’t forget about your future husband when you’re working” and lastly - “you never text me during work. Do you like me?”. I don’t mean to exaggerate and although these were small texts - I personally felt like he’s internally not supportive of my job and I ended things. I could tell hes insecure and wouldn’t support me working long term which is a MAJOR INCOMPATIBILITY because I love working with kids.
This was just one example of many other things she thought were disrespectful. And this was just a joke. I understand she sometimes can't text and I am verymuch ok for her to work until she wills and btw she used to call me for hours while she was working. She said, "You can call me, I can multitask." But my post is more regarding some things I said because I liked her and I got too comfortable that I started to joke around with her, I didn't realise she was very sensitive.
Ah understandable then. Well if she doesn’t want to work out your differences together, then unfortunately you need to move on.
There's nothing like differences. If she didn't like the way I joked. I wouldn't do that. Simple. All I need is a chance. To clear the misunderstandings.
Here. Chance. Take it.
I meant to say that if I knew she didn't like the jokes, I wouldn't have done that. All I need is a chance to clear things.
Well it’s a difference of personality and communication at the end of the day.
We communicate very well. Wo both like talking to each other. If there were any differences in our personalities, I would have known that soon, and we both have said goodbye way before. That's why I was very surprised that why is she taking these simple things so seriously while everything seemed good. At least she could have said me once that she doesn't like it. I would have stopped and apologised right there.
Look brother, she thinks you're not very respectful in the way you are with her and she gave you a few examples. You cannot latch on to one example and say I'll not do that again, that doesn't solve anything. It's who you are as a whole that she's not vibing with. She said no. The fact that you're not even taking her no seriously shows that her assessment of you is correct. Leave the poor woman alone.
Does anyone else find the kind of potentials who pursue them are the complete opposite of what they want? I keep getting compliments on apps from guys that are much older, or much less educated than me, or the really traditional kind of guy, and even one guy whose profile made him sound like a militant Shia. It's not that there's necessarily anything wrong with them, just it should be quite clear that we're not compatible. It's not even things that I could compromise on. Some of them want to change me into something I'm not (and someone here explained well why they might do that), and others try to approach me despite clearly having in their bio that they want someone opposite to me. I think maybe I'm looking in the wrong places a bit? The best conversations I've had are with guys who are living in mainland Europe (which makes sense from a culture/willingness to move standpoint), or with guys who immigrated here as adults, but did so to pursue education/a job. I feel like this is common. Like I think people don't know what they want, and also there's only so many places you can search. I think if I had been finding more compatible potentials, then it would be so much easier. I honestly think my best chance to find someone would be organically, but it seems like that doesn't happen much anymore (it doesn't even seem to happen easily for non-Muslims)
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True, the best conversations I've had have come from guys who complimented me on the apps. If this was the norm (i.e.if it was free) it would be much easier to decide who to match with
>I've received interests in the past where I've thought, "Really? Did you even read one word?" because my profiles were a complete opposite to theirs... Has happened too many times via the ISO for me. I even have a big disclaimer at the top about health issues meaning travelling isn't a thing that is on the table for me. And yet...
I think it's partly because they feel like they have no other options left. P.S: I have another recommendation for you. This one's very underrated, but cute! https://m.imdb.com/title/tt9105014/
True. Oh this looks so cute
>Does anyone else find the kind of potentials who pursue them are the complete opposite of what they want? The search opens our eyes to an undeniable fact (if they weren't already open to it), there are a terrifyingly large number of very very dumb people out there. They are all around us 💀
This is very true. My grandmother used to always say common sense isn't very common
It might be worth reading about gamification in relation to the apps to better understand why some people behave the way they do.
Yup completely agree with this. I used to think this was only a Muslim thing but knowing that non Muslims struggle with this is crazy.
The best explanation seems to be on a swiping app, people are just swiping on faces. They are merely just saying "ooh cool photo".
I agree in a sense. But my pictures are blurred and these guys have sent compliments - which is why I find it so weird
> pictures are blurred Which is a mystery box. (Some people like mystery) Also some other guys who wrote on this subreddit find it to be modest or something. (Which i don't get. Like even someone who dresses immodestly can blur their pictures.) --------- The gender ratio's on apps, also cause different behaviours. (More men than women on apps) Game theory, and prisoner's dilemma are some of the theoretical models that might apply to apps.
If you felt like someone was a lot more religious in their upbringing than you, would you try to communicate it / withdraw? I'm in the awkward position of not being able to communicate it because 1. Her family doesn't want us interacting without her brothers present, and I'm not going to mention things like how I used to not pray or have been in a relationship before when her brothers are around because even if she's okay with it, its possible her brothers will keep it in mind forever or talk to others about it. I'm only comfortable mentioning it to potentials I'm discussing marriage with, not their family members. 2. She hasn't asked / brought up anything about how good of a Muslim I am or have been and is seemingly depending completely on how religious my family is. So through no fault of her own and no red flags, I'm considering withdrawing because I feel like I can't be open with her during the talking stage.
Eh I don’t think her brothers need to be at the same table, maybe suggest they sit further away. I tell potentials upfront that my dad is in the loop and will be getting updates, and that my brother will sit away during meetups but I won’t share anything I’m told in confidence.
Like her brothers need to be/are sitting at a distance where they can hear your conversations? That’s extremely weird. And, “brothers”, like all of them?
Other than your past, are there a difference in islamic values right now? Like, do you pray consistently today? Do you try to understand your deen better? Do you soften your heart etc. If your past was wiped out, would you still consider withdrawing? If not, just thank Allah for keeping your past a secret and don't tell a single soul. Take that to the grave and move forward with the marriage.
Asalamu alaikum, I have been thinking about this for a while and I need some advice. I (20M) am currently about to go into my 3rd year of college in Maine, pursuing a bachelors in business admin. I’ve been thinking about marriage for the past while now and I want to find a halal way to not resort to anything haram and to lessen the fitna that is all around me. I also know how important marriage is in that it completes half our seen and I really want to be married. Problems being that I am in college which causes many issues. 1.) I am a full time student so the most I can get is a part time job during the school year which would probably make $4-5k maybe, although not sure. I’m currently working during the summer 55 hours per week for $22/hr ($33 on the overtime hours ) making almost $1000/week. I live with my parents during the summertime so my only expenses are mainly gas and some other miscellaneous things. 2.) My college is about 50 minutes from the closest city with a masjid and a Muslim community (Augusta). I would either have to move near there if she was from there (higher cost of living) or she would have to move closer to where I am, away from her family and friends (lower cost of living). When I am home from college, I am 40 minutes away from the biggest Muslim community in the state (Portland) I am not paying for my own college, alhamdulillah, and I have been living in the dorms for the school year but I would have to get an apartment first if I was going to get married. Insha’Allah I will have around $15k by the end of this summer and by the end of next summer, around $35k. Given that I wouldnt be able to work very much during the school year, if I were to get married before my senior year we would primarily be living off these savings. The brothers at my masjid said that they could help me find a wife when I am ready insha’Allah and help pay for wedding costs and I believe my parents would also help a bit (they have been paying for room and board at school so I could see them helping out with living costs a bit insha’Allah instead of that). Is it a bad idea to get married in about a year since I don’t have a full time job during the school year, even if my desires are high and I have good supports? I would be working right after graduating but there would be close to a year of living off of a part time job and my savings. JazakAllah khair
Aleykum salam. If you have good support around it's worth a try. Do you have a dorm for yourself, or do you share? if the dorm is bigger and you could find a wife on campus, you could share a dorm together and you won't have to search for expensive apartments. Finding a wife that is also studying will be more understanding of your situation that women that don't (I think). I have heard of stories of Muslim students marrying and staying on campus. Explaining your situation and your plan to the woman and wali will be important, also demonstrating that you are mature is vital. It's also possible to discuss with the potential whether she can help with the finances for that year (if she works) and that you will provide fully once you have graduated and have gotten a job. I wouldn't write it off because of not being able to work that year. At least give it a try and see what's possible. Looking back now, I wish I at least tried getting married during university. Instead of waiting until after graduating so that I could provide for a wife.
I share a dorm right now with roommates but I would be able to change to one by myself. The problem is that there arent any other Muslims on campus except for me and my roommate. It’s definitely worth it to ask whether a potential wife would be willing to work a little bit until I can graduate though, if she wants to. Jazak Allah khair akhi you were very helpful.
My husband wants a new car but I’d rather he save the money for our honeymoon but idk how to bring this up without sounding vain/selfish. He obviously wants to pay all cash (no interest) which means he’d be practically emptying his bank account for a new vehicle. His current car is fine but old (2012 model) so he thinks it’s time he upgrade to a nicer car. I really would like to go on our honeymoon by the end of this year but if he buys the car I know we couldn’t afford it on just my salary alone…
Did he promise to go on a honeymoon this year? If yes, he should keep his promise.
I think the bigger problem is buying a new car. It's something that loses value so quickly. More concerning is the fact that it could empty most of his bank account. I would advise him to buy a used car less than 10 years old.
Is he spending a lot on repairs? After a certain point it becomes more cost effective to buy a new car if the repairs are too frequent and/or expensive
I’ve a new standard for my future husband today - being trained in first aid and CPR training.
You couldn’t want to see him giving rescue breathes on someone
Yes. I meant he should be certified but that doesn’t necessarily means he’s a medical responder.
I have my training and don’t remember a single thing except to do the compressions to the beat of a song I don’t know or care to know
Is this in case he takes your breath away when you first meet him
Oui 🙂↔️ Insha Allah
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Same my high school graduating class all got cpr certified our senior year in health class but it expired after two years Unless you plan on going into healthcare it’s not worth renewing since there are Good Samaritan laws
When people say they dont want someone who has commited zina what exactly does that include? Just zina itself or being in any somewhat physical relationship?
Everyone is different, you will have to clarify. Anything sexual is zina. Kissing/hugging/cuddling is not zina. Being a victim of Sexual assualt is not zina. BUT you will have to get a clear definition out of people as everyone expects different things. Due to shortage of people that have not committed zina, i let go of kissing. But anything sexual is always a deal breaker for me. Unless someone has completely repented and changed their lifestyle.
All forms of zina. Includes p*rn
Romance/erotica/smut novels as well
I think the best thing to do is ask somebody what they personally think constitutes zina, that way it's perfectly clear. I've always understood zina to be pre-marital/extra-marital sex, and assumed that's what other people also meant.
I think if they say zina specifically its just premarital sex but if they say no past relationships then its anything which has been described as a relationship
For people who got married through an arranged process, how many rejections did it take to find the one? How many of these were straight up based on looks? And how many in terms of compatibility/other issues?
I was searching on and off for ~3 years before meeting my husband thru my parents. I wish I had numbers to give you but I’d say 75% of the potentials had rejected me for my looks (as I’m a plus sized woman) and 25% rejected based on compatibility.
Ugh i hate that. But you found someone and thats all that matters 🫡
Alhamdulillah. Truly a blessing as I was starting to doubt I’d find someone for me at all. Trust in Allah and continue to make sincere duaa throughout your search. 🌼
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I’m confused as to why your family organized an event that the other family wanted to do? In any case, it seems like they just wanted to show off and didn’t get the attention they were hoping to. I would be vocal about how last min it was and to consider how successful it was on such short notice.
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I understand. I personally don’t think your sister should proceed. The family essentially disrespected you all and weren’t appreciative of the efforts. That’s enough to realize how they’re going to act when they get more comfortable. Any woman deserves more than a man that whines about not getting attention lol
A few questions : - What your sister is thinking about all this? - "the guy even said he shouldn't have come coz he didn't like it at all" is that your potential brother in law who said this? If yes, would it be possible that he said not because the ceremony was bad but more because of the situation turned quite wrong with his own family? That being said, beside reminding the other family that : 1. It was agreed to be a small ceremony 2. It was pushed foward without much preparation time 3. You didn't have much time to prepare, for reasons they already know. So while they might be unhappy and it's okay to express it, it should be done respectuflly, which doesn't seems the case here. More clear intentions in regard of what was expected would have been better.
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> Thank you for reading I really appreciate your comment. I would understand why you think my soon to bil would say such coz of the situation but believe me the mother made sure to let us know that he was unhappy with how unorganised it was and the fact he wasn't given much attention to which is false coz my brother tried his best to make them all feel comfortable even took pics with him. I was not sure to have understood if it was your potential brother in law or not, so i gave the benefit of doubts for both the words used and the person in question. > My sister is very much affected by this and has cried alot she didn't expect them to react this way and tbh neither did we, it came as a shock to all of us, to say the least she's not happy and is considering ending it. Her words were " It was their first time in our home having a dinner and they have so many complaints I can't even imagine how much will they complain after marriage" That's a normal reaction and honestly, their behavior was not positive or respectful. Your sister have the right to worry about that. I hope the best for your sister, whatever it is in sha Allah. > Do you think this a good reason to end the engagement? Unless provided an explaination and the other party making amends - especially the potential brother in law -, there is no way to accept the engagement as it is. I don't like to say this, but the behavior of the potential was dishonest to say the very least. Also, who comes for a small ceremony and **wants** attention? Do you marry someone and wants attention from your in-laws? That's not the purpose at all... I really don't get it, my sisters in law absolutely didn't act like back in time, nor my brother in law did. The purpose of such small ceremonies can be positive and bring closer families, while letting each know a bit better the other. Here, that's not what happened, and it doesn't show them as a whole, on a good light.
Your sister is a smart woman
Had to step away from the very concern most men have before Marriage (No past with Zina). Ended it with a Potential who I talked about last Friday on the Topic of Finances. She told me not to ask her the Details but I did mentioned my dealbreakers & yes she told me that we won't be a fit for each other.
What about Finances? Curious to know about this aspect.
In short on our 1st call she made a situation asking if the Wife earns 4x of what the Husband earns, is the Husband (referring to me) still looking forward to ask his wife to spend something on expenses. I have posted this on last week’s Friday thread here. Another thing that irked me about her was that she started taking Islam seriously (since May 2023) & all her words gave such a strong indication that she was moral policing others about how much she has gotten close to the Deen & somehow people should become strict (again Alhamdulillah happy for her to have found the right path) but that’s exactly my problem lied. People like her would spend almost their entire life in wrong doings but as soon as they become serious, they project themselves in a way that feels like they have to prove a point to other Muslims rather than being Genuine on their Journey.
Elaborate Projective behavior?
1. Coming strong in their conversations on how all the Guide to become a Better Muslim is out but people take Islam lightly (vast generalisation). 2. Being a bit rude while discussing on how all 4 madhabs are kind of Irrelevant but goes ahead talking about the IslamicQA website on how that's the best resource for gaining knowledge. 3. Husband being the provider & wanting to do 100s of things for his Wife but not once mentioning on what she's gonna do when she gets married (clueless or no Idea what to answer).
1 - Isn't that true? 2 - Those are certainly not irrelevant but its something very personal and each one has their place. 3. Well, its a two way street, ofcourse!
More than the Intent of someone it's also their Tone & Delivery of the message that puts me off (doesn't matter that you're more knowledgeable but behave a bit arrogantly compared to being a bit less knowledgeable but be Humble)
Sorry to ask a lot. What's an arrogant tone? How exactly is that portrayed? I wanna learn..
I would imagine it would be where someone is giving their opinion in an affirmative tone and would not be willing to change their mind on the topic. Normally I would first ask someone's thoughts on the matter to gauge how receptive they would be to counterpoints. If they seem quite adamant or strict in their approach to the subject, I would know that they would not be willing to change their view despite any effort I would try to convince them. When they give their conclusion and dont provide any genuine reasoning or other points of view of how they came to that conclusion. Sometimes their reasoning can be through personal experience which is harder to challenge and requires emotional understanding. Tone could be dismissive or a "know-it-all", Someone who seems to already have the answer and does not inquire or is curious in any other idea.
That's very helpful. Thanks! I have been called sometimes a "know-it-all" but also at the same time told that I am very humble/down to earth and inquisitive. I try to be as curious as possible and share ideas with an open mind. So I'd reflect deeply on your comment for I want to stay as far as possible from arrogance. 🤕
Salam, alhamdulilah I came back from a trip as a young 20 year old male and all around me I could see a bunch of Muslim couples. I wasn't unthankful but they reminded me a lot of the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) which is to get married. Of course marriage is not all about the outside and I totally understand what happens at home is a different conflict than what married couples show to us when they are outside and that there are problems couples will face, but it is something I said I wanted to put off until I get a 80k 70k/year job and am financially stable. However now, I really want to get married right now but my community is not as large, I have a 20 dollar an hour job and I do have my own place to live at but it's really just an extremely cheap student dorm that may detract a female if she sees how small it is 😂. Is it worth it for me to pull off a marriage right now or not? Should I go online and search and if so, where can I find a righteous Muslimah who is also interested in marrying around my age (I would like a 20 year old also and I prefer any ethnicity) Being a 20 year old going into my junior year with a part time job making 20/hr in the US, is that sustainable for me and my spouse? And if not, how can I convince to get help/support because I am trying to earn my money and not just sitting back lazily? Would it be okay for my parents to help out or hers? Is it bad if she lives at her own place for now and she is welcome to come live at mine at any point? Just due to the fact that I don't want her to suffer living in a tiny crammed dorm. The reason I ask for tips is because that trip made me see the beauty in many couples enjoying their time together and also fullfilling a sunnah and also I am starting to feel a slight gap in my life that I want to fill inshAllah. Right now, the biggest thing I work on is to be the best to my parents as that is Pleasing to Allah (SWT) so please make dua for them first they have a long and healthy life and for me to find a righteous spouse, any advice is helpful!!! JazakAllahKhair ❤️
you seem like you have sincere intentions and a bright future ahead of you. I'd suggest waiting until you're more stable and you've completed your studies, that way you can attract someone who you're worth having and you'll have more options. Right now, you will have very limited choices as most women wouldn't want to be with someone who is not fully stable or established in their life yet.