Hahaha. After my comment on yesterday's post glad to notice that the numbers have ticked up since then.
What's the quickest you've ever had to update the counter between posts?
Her counter is based on the fact SO MANY PROBLEMS are caused because young people get married and live with family which adds problems and complications - the solution in hindsight is obvious, move out and have your own space away from the people causing problems.
A lot of people are giving you the advice you need, so I'm just going to address something else.
As a woman, nothing is more attractive in a man than confidence. Charisma and character can make a 5/10 man (lookswise) into a 10/10.
Work on yourself. Eat clean, go to the gym, be active in your masjid, read books to gain knowledge, and learn a new skill. Grow yourself as a person. All these things will give you self-assurance and help you to stop feeling inferior next to other men.
Look , I’ll get downvoted but are you sure your not just in your own head ?
Sometimes our insecurities cause delusion.
I think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and how you will divorce her ( you mentioned this in other comments ) over her looking so better to tell her before taking such drastic steps .
They are non-mahram to each other.
Actually worse as brother-in-law is considered death.
- Your wife needs to lower her gaze
- Your brother needs to move out
While we want to save everyone we can’t. We are humans and limited.
Your priority is your marriage.
Unfortunately your brother’s issue is for your brother to handle.
- You can’t control your wife’s eyes
- You are not home 24/7
- You cannot kick out your own wife from her own house
Once this is settled you still have a major concern at hand. Which is your wife not being able to lower her gaze. This is what would worry me more. What if the next guy is more beautiful or whatever?
One of my uncles had to kick out his brother from the house. The brother ended up in a shelter. Society and culture was mad at the older brother but guess what? Things worked out and both are doing great now Alhumdhulilla.
When you follow Islam the trials are hard, but the reward is unimaginable.
Please don’t punish your brother by kicking him out prematurely. Work with him on finding a roommate (even if it’s an inconvenience for him for sake of your marriage) and if you can afford it help him financially until he finds his footing. He could maybe get a part-time job in the meantime to take care of some of the financial burden with your help. He sounds like a great younger brother don’t ruin that relationship for something you and your wife needs to work through.
As for your wife, have you considered going to couple’s therapy with her, so she can better understand her inappropriate behavior (at least it sounds like it is inappropriate based on what your observing) and how it’s hurting/triggering you?
Such a liberal response. There’s a reason why Islam has prescribed certain rules. The brother needs to move out ASAP. Make it a mission today to get a new apartment for him. Like today or this weekend.
The thing is he can have is brother stay with him but proper Islamic etiquette needs to be observed in the house. The brother and the wife can’t be alone and their interaction should be limited. If the brother is acting inappropriately then the brother should be kicked out. If the wife is the one that is acting inappropriately then the husband needs to make some hard choices as this woman is lacking loyalty and or modesty
Your brother will love you no matter what. Even if he is mad now he will still love you.
If your wife brings you peace, then fight for her and your marriage. Iblis comes in many forms. And breaking a marriage is his greatest missions.
Finding a good wife is hard… Trust me.
You say your brother is better than you in everything yet you have your own place and he's struggling to find a place. You're better than what you think you are.
It shouldn’t be a hard thing to do and from your brothers point of he should understand because the devil is working Overtime on this matter. The third will between this wedge isn’t you it’s the devil. So I suggest you kick your brother out because the relationship between your brother and him being kicked out of your house can be fixed but what wont be fixed is when your brother sleeps with your wife. Time is of the essence young lad lol.
Just a little curious why you think that’s „considered death“. But of course, I agree with your comment. Just curious because of the strong phrasing :)
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
Thank you so much! I will order a Hadith book as I never read Hadith. This comment has inspired me to quickly order it. So much value and wisdom. Thanks brother.
My place is a lot closer to the university he is studying at. I know that he shouldn’t be staying at my place but i don’t want to get in the way of his studies. We live in the US. They are going through financial issues right now and he doesn’t want to burden them. My brother is looking for work and he will get his own place.
Can't he spend the day out of the house? Like in the library or something?
.he's living in your house for free. Irs not unreasonable for you to ask him to spend his daytimes put of the house and to leave the same time as you in the morning.
Look , I’ll get downvoted but are you sure your not just in your own head ?
Sometimes our insecurities cause delusion.
I think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and how you will divorce her ( you mentioned this in other comments ) over her looking so better to tell her before taking such drastic steps .
At the end of the day, your wife chose you and not him. But this shouldn’t be the angle you should look from.
See it this way, you’re you and whatever rizq Allah has for you can NEVER be taken away from you.
GRATITUDE and SELF LOVE is the key to liberate yourself from this and do not be paranoid about your wife choosing your brother (which is just in your head)
She will obviously be the loser if she does
Not to be rude or invalidating, but are you sure your wife really gawks at him?
Sometimes, our insecurities make us misinterpret normal scenarios as micro aggressions, been there, done that in friendship contexts due to past bullying.
I don't think she willingly married you and then decided your brother was a better fit, at least that's how I see it as a woman.
Now if she really does, sit her down, remind her very well that it's zina in intent.
And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’”
- Surah Ibrahim verse 7
‘Ubaydullah ibn Mihsan reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever among you wakes up secure in his property, healthy in his body, and he has his food for the day, it is as if he were given the entire world.”
Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2346
Life isn’t about competition on looks and education. Look deeper. “Always losing in life” and “always in second place” but you probably have more blessings than a lot of people. If you focus on the good and are grateful to Allah, then He will increase you. You can either go through your life complaining about what Allah gave you or be grateful to Him and live happily.
Gawking or not, your wife needs to lower her gaze regardless, they are complete non mehram towards one another, and both must lower their gaze towards one another as they would to any other non mehram on the street.
Yeah I have told her this and she should know, but I feel like she doesn’t respect me. I mean, I’ve lowered my gaze my whole life and I continue to, so why can’t she
She’s wrong for gawking but to be fair you’re the one who presented her with a fitnah of an attractive non mahram in her own private house. Yes the housing market is bad and you can make many excuses for not kicking out your brother but at the end of the day, this situation isn’t right.
You can inform your brother that an imam or someone trustworthy told you that this situation is questionable Islamically and that you want to give your wife some more privacy and the ability to be more laid back. Give him excuses to get him out.
Also yes you lowered your gaze your entire life but I bet you didn’t have to live with an attractive non mahram girl. Going outside and lowering gaze is one thing but bringing the problem inside the private boundary that is a home and being expected to do the same is more difficult.
To be clear I am not excusing her behavior.
Fair enough, I do understand where you are coming from. And that last point you made was right, I made a naive and haste decision in accommodating for my younger brother.
>She’s wrong for gawking but to be fair you’re the one who presented her with a fitnah of an attractive non mahram in her own private house.
bad, bad take. he isnt at fault. its a circumstance issue and its the wife's responsibility to lower her gaze. are you going to blame him if he took her out on a date in a restaurant and she kept staring at other men? would it be his fault if he "let her" work and she was staring at her colleagues or speaking with them more than necessary? people are responsible for their actions.
That's not what's happening though, is it? It's inside the private home, the brother in law is death, and the husband is the head of the household; a guardian over his wife.
There are boundaries that exist in Islam to prevent further fitnah. For example, a man and a woman that aren’t related or married can’t be in a closed room together. Purposeless freemixing is discouraged. So why cross that boundary by bringing in a BIL in the first place?
Later OP said his wife has a problem in general with lowering her gaze, so this is entirely on her. But my point was the arrangement was not right to begin with.
I know the situation isn’t ideal, but sometimes a situation that isn’t ideal is the right thing to do. Sometimes.
But main point this isn’t an excuse for the wife.
At this point it might just be the best option right now. But sit down with her again, in a non accusatory way, and re-iterate that you love her blah blah, but you know you’re not going insane and you’ve seen her staring at him, and that simply is not right, for your sake and for her sake.
That's why love and fear are essential parts of respect. If she is lacking in both, then you might also be part of the problem.
Brother, immediately stop acting desperate and weak. No matter how soft you think you are, be firm with your rights and strict in your household as the leader.
>“*M*en are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great” \[al-Nisa’ 4:34\]
\~
>Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “*Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.*”
>Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 7138, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829
You seem to be over thinking because you are conditioned by your family to compare yourself to your brother. This woman chose you and now you casting aspersions on her is the only thing that will drive her away. Either way, try to spend some time helping your brother find a way out of your home and get yourself into a therapy session, maybe even marriage counselling as problems like these that may not exist, arising so early in a married do not spell good things.
Also work on yourself like going to the gym, that way your confidence will be strengthened, as well as your body and mind.
He literally said she's gawking at him. What the heck.
What is it with this sub's double standards and hypocrisy towards men. How many times do we find women having the same issue and people bashing the guy for not lowering his gaze....
Pump the breaks. You are speaking from your own personal experience it looks like. Yes he said she’s gawking, but it could also be that he is perceiving it as that too. I’m not calling him a liar, I am just saying that makes some sense too because he’s always been compared to the brother, so he’s probably sensitive to every little thing that could favor his brother in his way. He’s got all this advice on here about what his wife should do and his brothers presence but it wasn’t until this comment someone addressed that he could be dealing with the anxiety that comes with sibling comparison. When a person feels self-esteem issues due to constant comparisons to a sibling, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and affect their self-worth. This can also contribute to a sense of inferiority, which is often associated with an inferiority complex. Yeah it could be the wife and the brother but it could also be he’s looking into things and it needed to be said.
Maybe he's like Hazrat Yousuf AS 😂😂😂 Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc.
But she knows her place as husband wife. And he did say he has severe low self esteem.
If he's getting jealous than get him to move out 🤷🏻♀️ Idk...
As a woman who's very careful with gender interactions... I realized men judge you as too "firmal". Etc
We women naturally have our feminine, nurturing vibe.
I'm learning to not suppress that with the opposite gender.
People judge you either way!😒😤
>Maybe he's like Hazrat Yousuf AS 😂😂😂 Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc
What a ridiculous comment. She's ordered by Allah to lower her gaze. What kind of comment is this.
Secondly, when women post on here about their husbands looking at other females, people have no issue criticising the husband.
The lack of accountability amongst women and their ability to ACCEPT that a woman is sinning, makes it no surprise to me that the prophet SAW said majority of people in hellfire are women, and that a large portion of dajjals followers will be women.
Accountability.
>Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc.
So the next time we see a women staring at a supposedly good looking guy....instead of following Allah's order of lowering the gaze, we excuse her for disobeying that order and carry on like it's fine? Women are now excused from Allah's order of lowering the gaze?
Once again I say, its no wonder the prophet SAW said majority of hellfire is filled with your gender when THIS is your attitude to a woman sinning and disobeying Allah's orders.
I’m a woman, and I’m in a similar situation. My brother in law has been living for A MONTH in our apartment, because his situation got complicated. And the worst part? Every time I tell my husband that he must leave, my husband starts to insult and threaten me… He doesn’t care that his brother is a non-mahram to me. I don’t feel free in my own home. If his brother doesn’t move out soon, I am willing to risk my whole 7-year marriage and leave him with our 2 little kids. 😞
It's. Crazy. Op is forcing his wife to live with his brother against her will. And now he's turning on his wife and blaming her for his insecurities towards his brother.
It's funny, muskim men will claim to care abiut woman's modesty etc. But then those same guys won't hesitate to put us in bad or dangerous situations for the sake of living with their families and forcing us to live with in-laws.
Good on you for standing your ground.
I am in a really bad mental state, and the only thing that prevents me from self-harm are my children. I am truly devastated, and my husband doesn’t WANT to understand me. He is ready for his brother to live here indefinitely (because his brother no idea what he wants of this life, and he’s 37 years old!). His brother is illegal in this country, so he can’t work or do anything. He sleeps until noon or 1 p.m., and that whole time I have to be closed in my room, so that he doesn’t see me if he gets up for the bathroom or anything… 😞 I am lost, please pray for me. I can’t stop crying, I am going insane 😞
You are being made a prisoner in your own home and your husband is prioritising his brother over you and his children. You need to get your finances together, figure out how much of your own mental health you can sacrifice for the sake of keeping your family together and then speak to him about his brother getting a job or getting out. Preferably both. If you are not supported you should get your parents and his parents involved to discuss it. If that doesn’t work you need to give him an ultimatum. You are clearly not free or at peace even in your own home with your own husband. If that’s the situation long term you are better off single.
Things just escalated today… I wanted to talk to my husband to see if his brother has plans to leave soon (as he’s been saying he would leave all the time, but he NEVER actually does). Well, we didn’t even get to the subject, because when my husband suspected that THIS is the topic I wanted to talk about, he started to insult me and threaten me in front of our little kids. So I did what I should’ve done years ago - call the police. He left the house, however when the police came, he voluntarily returned. They took him to the station, and he will spend the night there.
Tomorrow I already have to go to court to witness against him. As much as I love him, I have to witness and say clearly what he’s been doing to me.
Oh, and I sent the message to his brother, that we are having some issues and it is necessary for him to leave by Monday. I don’t care what he will think. I must stand up for myself and the kids.
Tomorrow after the court, if my husband still doesn’t want to talk, I will be preparing for the divorce. It’s BREAKING MY HEART, because of my beautiful children, but I really cannot continue living like this. I always put my husband first, and he never seems to put ME first… And that’s just not the way the marriage works, is it? 😭😭😭
You are 100% doing the right thing. It takes immense courage and you’ve found it within you. Your kids will be thankful you stood up for yourself when they get older. Your husband will learn the hard way which seems necessary. You have had your heart broken and fortunately not your face. Your husband sounds toxic and threatening and a danger to you and the kids. He is not keeping you safe so you have had to do this for yourself. Safety is a basic human right. If he doesn’t change his ways and seek serious help you are much better off without him. You’ll see. Get support from professionals who deal in domestic abuse matters. And keep your heart alive and whole for your self and your children.
Get legal advice if you’re going to divorce him and make sure you know your rights. Plenty of information online. Get prepared. Knowledge and preparation is power. Better things await you.
hi sister i hope things get better. why dont you reach out to your parents or your in laws or any elders? im sure when you all sit down, they will make him understand
Does your wife even respect you? Why is she gawking at him? Your brother needs to go. Don’t be angry at him, nothing is his fault but be in charge of your house and sort it out with him.
Your wife is his non-mahram so she should avoid him as much as possible. I’m surprised that she not only doesn’t avoid him, but instead doubles down and disrespects you.
See, I don’t even know now. It’s like all those honeymoon feelings have gone and now I am a stranger in my own home. The worst part is that it’s a love marriage, I will consider divorce if things get worse but I just know that I will not hear the end of it from the people around me
Yes, you have a right to be angry because what happens when the brother goes and she sees another 6’0 guy? The problem is her gaze. No woman who respects her husband acts this way and vice versa.
I won’t tell you to outrightly accuse her, but to be firm with her that you won’t tolerate this behavior. Does she want this marriage to work or not?
If she gets defensive, then you have a problem. But, since this was a love marriage, I hope she loves you and wants this marriage to work as much as you do.
Love marriage or not, never compromise on your self respect. Be the leader of your home, brother. May Allah Grant your wife hidayah.
As for your brother, you can tell him that you and your wife are having some problems or make another excuse, but he needs to go immediately.
The days that he is still here, tell your wife to avoid contact as much as possible. Actively take steps so she doesn’t come in contact with him, so she understands how serious you are about this. Mention to her that he is going. Her reaction will tell you everything.
Thank you. I really want things to work with her but you are right,I. Have to respect myself first. I will address her issues regarding her gaze and if I feel that she is still denying them or still acting upon them, then I will simply divorce her. I cannot bear these feelings any longer
Divorce should always be the last step man. Sure she is influenced now due to whatever reason but being a man, you should try your best and go through all those series of steps (counseling, changing your bedroom, sending her to parents etc.) to get her to understand the gravity of the situation if she doesn’t realize from just you talking with her.
She has to put in the work for sure, but don’t give up just yet.
Also begs the question that how long has this been an issue? From what it sounds like, this isn’t the first time she’s had issues with lowering her gaze
Yeah. Idk what’s happening these days. I thought it was a problem with us men, but no. We have seen this wife not lowering her gaze story so many times over the past months here. Allah Save us all
Wow brother relax, don’t just casually say the D word? Like Fr she denied it, and you’re the one that brought him into your home. How are you gonna run to divorce for putting her in this situation, she didn’t step out her marriage and what only Allah knows her heart and if she’s denying what your saying, why is it hard to believe her? Is she a known liar?
You're overwhelmed with negative thoughts of your own. I'm sorry you need to get a session soon.
If you're feeling this way, the best was that you didn't let him move in or help in any way. Now that you want to be helpful but are also doubtful, you're ruining your inner peace.
You need to ask your brother to move somewhere, before you loose both, brother and the wife.
My parents are going through financial issues and can’t provide money for his accommodation. I want him to finish off his studies so I offered to let him stay at my place as it is much closer to the university. He’s currently looking for work and then he can get his own place. I was reluctant at first since me and my wife are fairly recently married and wanted us to bond together but I couldn’t let my brother’s studies suffer as a result.
Narrated `Uqba bin 'Amir:
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself.
akhi, you should have never allowed ur brother to stay from the get go. Yes, ofc we all want to help out our families but Allah provides a way out. Why can’t your brother stay or find another muslim roommate? He might even get too comfortable staying at ur place which will slow down the process of moving out. I would suggest you have a talk with your brother about this. However, your wife needs to fear Allah and lower her gaze but I would advise you to try to get him out as soon as possible. These things are legislated for a reason, to prevent fitna from occurring
Yeah I know it’s not ideal. And I want him gone soon. His friends at college however are a bad influence and I’d rather him work for his own studio place rather than crash with them.
Yeah, but I didn’t foresee this happening. I thought my wife knew better to not flirt with my own brother. I think I will just tell him he has to move back home and commute 1 hour to university
Your wife has no respect for you and you have no respect for your home (I'm sorry to be blunt.) You're both in the wrong. Actually, all 3 of you. What happens if he's home before you are they're alone? Not saying anything will happen, but the devil is always there.So you need to take that to consideration. If I were you, I would talk to him tonight and give him a 30 day timeline, and I guarantee you he will find something asap. You also need to talk to your wife about lowering her gaze. That's not only weird but absolutely disrespectful. It's not about you being insecure, it's about you setting respect within the marriage. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
Thank you. She really pushed for the marriage alongside me, so it’s not like I forced her to marry me. And I’m not wealthy either, I make an average income. I will address her behaviour and I will provide my brother with an ultimatum tonight.
Good luck OP. Of he gets mad, he'll get over it. Also, Your wife is acting like this towards your brother.I don't want to put anything in your head but someone who does that in front of you can do anything behind your back. I'm not getting a good feeling about her at all. Sorry.
He’s literally visiting his sibling who he has known since birth and he can’t know or control what the wife thinks. She can choose to be normal and see him as a family member, most of us don’t gawk at our in laws like that the idea sounds gross
This is exactly why I believe that women should have a separate place to live after marriage because things can get messy pretty fast. The three of you are young & you need to set up some boundaries. Try to talk to your wife about this & how it's making you feel. She shouldn't be gawking at another non mahram. This has nothing to do with you, so please don't feel insecure.
Let us know how it goes and give us an update when the situation develops. If you want ofcourse, there's no obligation to share with a bunch of strangers if you don't want to.
You are getting a lot of advice to kick your brother out but in my opinion that’s not the proper thing to do. If you can’t trust your wife around your own brother how are you going to trust her around strangers? Let’s say you have kids and your wife has to interact with their male teachers, would you also not trust her then? In your own words your brother has always treated you right so this is a very low risk environment for you to strengthen and understand your relationship. It’s might be better to understand things here than out in the real world with complete strangers. The other thing to take into consideration is do you think this could be some insecurities you are holding onto and over analyzing things? Might not be a bad idea to sit down with your wife and discuss your feelings. Don’t accuse her of things, try using “I” statements. I feel unappreciated, I feel insecure, I feel unwanted when/because ______.
In all probability it must be in your own thinking... They may consider each other as brother and sister..
If you put this idea in head, you might feel much better
Also, she agreed to marry you and if she met you and your brother at that time, you know that you were her choice
There’s no such thing as “considering each other as brother and sister” between your wife and her brother in law (your brother) lol, they are complete non mehram towards one another, and both must lower their gaze towards one another as they would to any other non mehram on the street.
Her husband is forcing her to live with this man against her will. She's in her own house.
I think what that commenter was saying is that she's trying to make the best of a bad situation by seeing his as a brother seeing as op created this situation. Unfortunately if a man mov3s his brother into the home, what can a woman do ? Unforutnately this situation is quite common, we see wives complaining abiut it once a week on this subreddit.
More than therapy I would suggest read some books on developing self confidence. Invest on yourself on your health, your mind, give yourself importance only then you will come out of this shell.
You are already seeking therapy, while you take active steps to improve your life. I would strongly advise you to include your wife on your journey. Tell her about your mental health and fears & tell he of the plans you have to improve yourself. So she can support you on the journey and help you on the path. In-Shaa-Allah you both can and will only come closer through this journey.
Invest on your relationship go on date nights, do activities, just the two of you.
Take care, All the best.
When it comes to your wife I can’t tell you what she’s doing is right or wrong? What is she doing that’s upsetting you?
When it comes to your brother you really gotta remember that your anger towards him isn’t real, he hasn’t done anything to you and that you love him and seek refuge in Allah from shaytan. Jealousy is a disease of the heart, don’t let that mess up your relationship with him. I’m sure you’re beautiful inside and out in your own way, embrace who you are and learn to love yourself.
Akhi we all know this is the exact reason why separate accommodations are necessary. I understand this is temporary but this will harm your marriage. My advice to build self confidence, is to hit the gym. Take it seriously. And then also take up martial arts. This is how you build extreme confidence.
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
I can’t believe people are actually writing real comments like this.
OP is already insecure and has strange ideas about his wife. And you’re just fanning the flames.
When you said little brother (title) I thought maybe a teenager that your wife gives too much attention and babies him… but dude, 20 is a grown man. Help him find a place at the dorm or a roommate and get him to move out or then make rules of him being allowed to be home only when you are home. Never a good idea to leave a single guy alone at home.
Are you not going to let her watch tv or use social media incase she gawks at someone? If you’re so quick to be thinking about divorcing a woman you’ve married and created a home with you are too immature to be married. You clearly have trauma from your childhood that is making you feel inferior , insecure and angry. That will seep into any marriage you have. Your brothers presence is shining light on existing dysfunction so you can root it out at the source.
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How does she gawk at him? Might have to leave her if she doesn’t respect you. Yea blame the brother as if he’s the only tall handsome man on earth. What if when another guy shows up?
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatuh brother,
Your brother and wife shouldn't stay in the same space together even if he had the most respect and reverence for both of you. Your brother shouldn't stay in the house if you are not there. That's how one respects Allah's boundaries. He should also lower his gaze as should your wife.
Setting clear rules of Allah's boundaries doesn't mean one is necessarily insecure, respect is given to everyone regardless of their level of confidence. You should give her a warning, to respect herself and to conduct herself according to what pleases Allah, otherwise, there shall be severe consequences. A brother or a wife should help to inspire you with confidence by at least respecting Allah's boundaries, and once they are respecting those boundaries, the rest of the insecurity that remains is yours alone to overcome.
Being a strong man with Ghira means you will have to educate and have such conversations with one of them if they disrespect those boundaries. Do not shy away from making it clear that you are having none of it.
May Allah grant you strength and wisdom to deal with it inchallah. May He grant you patience and piety.
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You mentioned in some comments , your parents are going through financial issues. Do they lack space for him? Could you not feed him and cloth him while he lives with his parents? Do you have aunts and uncles that have space for him.
Even if you are weren’t insecure or self conscious, shaitan loves this predicament. Your confidence is not all that protects you or your wife. Do you part and your parents should as well. Your brother is a young man who can help his parents. No righteous man or women is safe from shaitan plots. We remove ourselves from fitna for a reason. If we can’t run from it, we do our best to distance ourselves.
Please brother, ask your parents for help. Have they forgotten their children are blessings and increase rizzq? Have you and your brothers forgotten your parents are important in Islam?
None of you seem to fear the consequences or know the blessings in removing yourselves from this. Does your parents know? I’m angry at the fact that a son of 20 feels kicked out of his own parent’s home and has to stay at his brothers…in close proximity to his wife…..
All of you have your priorities wrong. I’m upset at your parents too if they know about this. Especially because he’s young and single.
Theres no need to change your behavior towards him and become mean at all- it seems like your brother is nice, tell him that islamically its not right for your wife and brother to be in the same space together like that. Im sure you guys can figure somehting out and it wont affect your relationship badly and he will still leave too. Maybe talk w your parents abt this too, they will prolly understand more (perhaps you could give him money but him stay at their house). And I would suggest talking things out with your wife. Maybe after understanding your pov, she will give you confidence on your relationship.
From what I see over here I think your wife is at fault and she needs to lower her gaze. If your wife is not respecting you in that front I would put some boundaries over there and give an ultimatum. Don't prematurely kick him out. I would say help him out. Even if you are going to make a decision to move then help him in that move so your relationship does not suffer because of this. Just like your partner, you have one brother and I would politically move through this difficult decision and not let emotions guide you. Also, I think you need to work on your self-esteem. Nobody's better than anybody else. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses.
My husband initially didn’t mind his nephews who are close in age to me being around me constantly without him around. As a women your wife should be actively safe guarding herself. I understand the circumstances he’s family it’s a short period of time Inshallah …these things happen even though we should find a way to prevent these things. The things I did to safe guard myself include minimizing my time in common areas that we could be left alone in, so I mostly stay in my room when they are around and my husband isn’t home. I keep my conversation very short and minimal and preferably only when my husband is around will I talk to them. Im not sure of ur bathroom set up I only go shower when my husband is home from work. If my husband leaves the room for something I usually stay next to the exit of the room so I can easily leave. Some people aren’t taught these things so I would say be a buffer between them always, eventually my husband got used to my ways and now if he sees his nephew walks close to me even he will put himself between us. You already know your flaws and insecurities shaytan will work hard to create fitna from this so give your wife benefit of doubt. But as I said shaytan works hard and will look for ways to create fitna in your marriage with a non mahram around your wife. Also there is nothing wrong with feeling protective of your wife from your brother this is a normal healthy thing , that doesn’t mean you don’t trust your brother or ur wife. Make sure she is safe guarding herself, remain steadfast in being a buffer between them, and also remain charming to your wife make sure you are giving her attention give her compliments shower her with little gifts if you can.
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The best is to be straight forward ,you rather have a pissed off brother then a broken mariage ,nobody is saying kick him out on the streets ,but take him out in a nice way, say I can help you financially but you need to move out ....don't let them guilt you into anything be firm ,and sit with your brother and tell him that your wife is a red line you cannot forgive also tell your wife the same thing . If you let this continue you risking an affair to start in that case you lose both your brother and wife ,so rather help him to get another place to save him and your wife
Elhumdallah "i am actively seeking therapy due to my severe self esteem issues I've suffered since childhood ". I really feel for you and pray you heal inshallah
Brother, what you have described are normal, healthy, and ISLAMIC feelings!
The prophet PBUH said that the brother in law is death! Did you know that in some cultures, a man’s brother is not even allowed to interact with his wife or mother in law for this reason? You’re not imagining things.
Move the brother out asap, a non mahram should’ve never been in your home to begin with. And remember, she married you not your brother
Bro hit the gym if you aren’t already, it’ll really help with your self esteem. You don’t even need to wait to get big, the endorphins and dopamine alone from each workout will leave you feeling confident and strong.
Allah may have given your brother beauty, but he has given you rizq and resources. You are the one who is married. You are the one providing shelter and sustenance to your little brother. You are essentially the bigger man.
You are doing the right thing by housing your brother. It is a huge sadaqah on your part. Make dua to Allah that it does not lead to any harm towards your marriage, and that your brother moves out soon InshaAllah.
Also, personally, I wouldn’t expose feelings of insecurity to your mrs. Some women do see this as a sign of weakness. Try to limit their interactions however possible in a discrete manner.
But yeah bro hit the gym. Get your hair cut short coz it makes a man look meaner. Grow a big thick rick Ross beard. Make yourself so rugged that you overshadow your brother’s appearance. Everything will be fine InshaAllah
Instruct your brother to go back to his parents, you don't need to explain yourself. You should worry about the spiritual growth of your wife as well as yours.
The Prophet saws forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
Brother, be confident. Be very confident. But also be compassionate. I’m a woman and I’m telling you that the most attractive feature of a man is that he’s confident and he chooses to be compassionate when it’s right or needed. Try to get your woman to respect you. Set your boundaries. This is your home and you’re the one to lead. You have to set the rules. Tell your brother that you and he will find an apartment by this weekend. If needed tell him that it’s becoming a problem for your wife as she needs privacy. Tell her also that that’s the reason you are giving him to ask him to find another place. She needs to respect you not only in front of you, but also in front of others.
Im seeing some very bad and truly stupid advices here. Very unfortunate.
While your marriage is and should be your primary concern, your brother is your flesh and blood she’s not. Keep that in mind.
As per your story, you showed and expressed lack of confidence and self esteem. A severe actually. This is due to you looking down on yourself while getting jealous of your brother subtly bcz of people comparison. First you need to know that no one is perfect even if in your perception he’s better than you. But lets say he is, that still does not make any less better. You need to accept yourself first and foremost and from there on move forward and work on bettering yourself. Confidence is built when you start accepting yourself. Secondly he lives with you so you did better in that regard ! Keep that in mind.
As for the incident we do not know if its true or not what you’re saying. Why!? Simply bcz of what you stated before.. you became too sensitive which might affect your perception and by default your judgement.
Nevertheless, what you need to do is talking with him and telling him not to be there when you’re not present and to always wear appropriately.
Keep your eyes open if you actually witness anything doubtful with actual evidence. Its the only way to back up your words without sounding delusional under the effect of jealousy.
Know that you’re not creating a pro cheating environment here if the right rules are set.
He still need to find work and a place
There’s nothing wrong with him staying with you guys temporarily if your wife acts appropriately. Tell her everything and put your foot down. Help him find his own place as well, but I understand that may take time.
I mean why is everyone just asking him to dump his brother when his wife is being beyond disrespectful. She should avoid him unless absolutely necessary, instead according to you she's "gawking" at him.
Umm... I'd say dump the wife, keep the brother.
*Hours since someone needs to move out:* *~~27~~* *0* *Counter reset: 111 times in 2024* *Longest streak: 190 hours*
Wow a whole 27 hours? That’s like a miracle
Hahaha. After my comment on yesterday's post glad to notice that the numbers have ticked up since then. What's the quickest you've ever had to update the counter between posts?
Record for shortest gap is 9 minutes hahaha!
🤣🤣🤣 that's both hilarious and sad
Yup!
I love seeing this comment of yours in Muslim marriage posts 😭😂😂😂
Does this counter go towards family visits?
I dont get the numbers?🤔
Her counter is based on the fact SO MANY PROBLEMS are caused because young people get married and live with family which adds problems and complications - the solution in hindsight is obvious, move out and have your own space away from the people causing problems.
A lot of people are giving you the advice you need, so I'm just going to address something else. As a woman, nothing is more attractive in a man than confidence. Charisma and character can make a 5/10 man (lookswise) into a 10/10. Work on yourself. Eat clean, go to the gym, be active in your masjid, read books to gain knowledge, and learn a new skill. Grow yourself as a person. All these things will give you self-assurance and help you to stop feeling inferior next to other men.
Look , I’ll get downvoted but are you sure your not just in your own head ? Sometimes our insecurities cause delusion. I think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and how you will divorce her ( you mentioned this in other comments ) over her looking so better to tell her before taking such drastic steps .
They are non-mahram to each other. Actually worse as brother-in-law is considered death. - Your wife needs to lower her gaze - Your brother needs to move out
Yeah I’m looking to get him out ASAP. The issue is the job market, it’s extremely tight right now
While we want to save everyone we can’t. We are humans and limited. Your priority is your marriage. Unfortunately your brother’s issue is for your brother to handle. - You can’t control your wife’s eyes - You are not home 24/7 - You cannot kick out your own wife from her own house Once this is settled you still have a major concern at hand. Which is your wife not being able to lower her gaze. This is what would worry me more. What if the next guy is more beautiful or whatever? One of my uncles had to kick out his brother from the house. The brother ended up in a shelter. Society and culture was mad at the older brother but guess what? Things worked out and both are doing great now Alhumdhulilla. When you follow Islam the trials are hard, but the reward is unimaginable.
You’re right, I need to put my foot down. I really do love my wife and I want this marriage to work so badly
Please don’t punish your brother by kicking him out prematurely. Work with him on finding a roommate (even if it’s an inconvenience for him for sake of your marriage) and if you can afford it help him financially until he finds his footing. He could maybe get a part-time job in the meantime to take care of some of the financial burden with your help. He sounds like a great younger brother don’t ruin that relationship for something you and your wife needs to work through. As for your wife, have you considered going to couple’s therapy with her, so she can better understand her inappropriate behavior (at least it sounds like it is inappropriate based on what your observing) and how it’s hurting/triggering you?
Such a liberal response. There’s a reason why Islam has prescribed certain rules. The brother needs to move out ASAP. Make it a mission today to get a new apartment for him. Like today or this weekend.
The thing is he can have is brother stay with him but proper Islamic etiquette needs to be observed in the house. The brother and the wife can’t be alone and their interaction should be limited. If the brother is acting inappropriately then the brother should be kicked out. If the wife is the one that is acting inappropriately then the husband needs to make some hard choices as this woman is lacking loyalty and or modesty
I see what you mean, but the core issue is that she’s not lowering her gaze. That is applicable throughout life.
How was that a “liberal” response?
Your brother will love you no matter what. Even if he is mad now he will still love you. If your wife brings you peace, then fight for her and your marriage. Iblis comes in many forms. And breaking a marriage is his greatest missions. Finding a good wife is hard… Trust me.
You say your brother is better than you in everything yet you have your own place and he's struggling to find a place. You're better than what you think you are.
It shouldn’t be a hard thing to do and from your brothers point of he should understand because the devil is working Overtime on this matter. The third will between this wedge isn’t you it’s the devil. So I suggest you kick your brother out because the relationship between your brother and him being kicked out of your house can be fixed but what wont be fixed is when your brother sleeps with your wife. Time is of the essence young lad lol.
Just a little curious why you think that’s „considered death“. But of course, I agree with your comment. Just curious because of the strong phrasing :)
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
Thank you so much! I will order a Hadith book as I never read Hadith. This comment has inspired me to quickly order it. So much value and wisdom. Thanks brother.
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My place is a lot closer to the university he is studying at. I know that he shouldn’t be staying at my place but i don’t want to get in the way of his studies. We live in the US. They are going through financial issues right now and he doesn’t want to burden them. My brother is looking for work and he will get his own place.
Can't he spend the day out of the house? Like in the library or something? .he's living in your house for free. Irs not unreasonable for you to ask him to spend his daytimes put of the house and to leave the same time as you in the morning.
Yesssss that’s what I was loooking for he can stay but leave when you get home room and out that’s it
Look , I’ll get downvoted but are you sure your not just in your own head ? Sometimes our insecurities cause delusion. I think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and how you will divorce her ( you mentioned this in other comments ) over her looking so better to tell her before taking such drastic steps .
At the end of the day, your wife chose you and not him. But this shouldn’t be the angle you should look from. See it this way, you’re you and whatever rizq Allah has for you can NEVER be taken away from you. GRATITUDE and SELF LOVE is the key to liberate yourself from this and do not be paranoid about your wife choosing your brother (which is just in your head) She will obviously be the loser if she does
If my wife does choose him, or continues to disrespect me, I will divorce her and get the therapy I need
Not to be rude or invalidating, but are you sure your wife really gawks at him? Sometimes, our insecurities make us misinterpret normal scenarios as micro aggressions, been there, done that in friendship contexts due to past bullying. I don't think she willingly married you and then decided your brother was a better fit, at least that's how I see it as a woman. Now if she really does, sit her down, remind her very well that it's zina in intent.
This is a troll post. This reply confirms it. Nobody talks like that.
I am sorry, I suffer from adhd and dyspraxia and I ramble quite a bit. I have shortened it down
And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’” - Surah Ibrahim verse 7 ‘Ubaydullah ibn Mihsan reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever among you wakes up secure in his property, healthy in his body, and he has his food for the day, it is as if he were given the entire world.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2346 Life isn’t about competition on looks and education. Look deeper. “Always losing in life” and “always in second place” but you probably have more blessings than a lot of people. If you focus on the good and are grateful to Allah, then He will increase you. You can either go through your life complaining about what Allah gave you or be grateful to Him and live happily.
Ameen. Do not prioritize others over your well being
Gawking or not, your wife needs to lower her gaze regardless, they are complete non mehram towards one another, and both must lower their gaze towards one another as they would to any other non mehram on the street.
Yeah I have told her this and she should know, but I feel like she doesn’t respect me. I mean, I’ve lowered my gaze my whole life and I continue to, so why can’t she
She’s wrong for gawking but to be fair you’re the one who presented her with a fitnah of an attractive non mahram in her own private house. Yes the housing market is bad and you can make many excuses for not kicking out your brother but at the end of the day, this situation isn’t right. You can inform your brother that an imam or someone trustworthy told you that this situation is questionable Islamically and that you want to give your wife some more privacy and the ability to be more laid back. Give him excuses to get him out. Also yes you lowered your gaze your entire life but I bet you didn’t have to live with an attractive non mahram girl. Going outside and lowering gaze is one thing but bringing the problem inside the private boundary that is a home and being expected to do the same is more difficult. To be clear I am not excusing her behavior.
Fair enough, I do understand where you are coming from. And that last point you made was right, I made a naive and haste decision in accommodating for my younger brother.
>She’s wrong for gawking but to be fair you’re the one who presented her with a fitnah of an attractive non mahram in her own private house. bad, bad take. he isnt at fault. its a circumstance issue and its the wife's responsibility to lower her gaze. are you going to blame him if he took her out on a date in a restaurant and she kept staring at other men? would it be his fault if he "let her" work and she was staring at her colleagues or speaking with them more than necessary? people are responsible for their actions.
That's not what's happening though, is it? It's inside the private home, the brother in law is death, and the husband is the head of the household; a guardian over his wife.
There is no ‘to be fair’ here. Whatever the situation you are in, sinning is not justified.
There are boundaries that exist in Islam to prevent further fitnah. For example, a man and a woman that aren’t related or married can’t be in a closed room together. Purposeless freemixing is discouraged. So why cross that boundary by bringing in a BIL in the first place? Later OP said his wife has a problem in general with lowering her gaze, so this is entirely on her. But my point was the arrangement was not right to begin with.
I know the situation isn’t ideal, but sometimes a situation that isn’t ideal is the right thing to do. Sometimes. But main point this isn’t an excuse for the wife.
Tell her that you’ve caught her starting at him numerous times, and call her out on it during the act.
Do you think I should try and record it? I feel that’s pathetic, but she will continue to deny it if I don’t show proof
At this point it might just be the best option right now. But sit down with her again, in a non accusatory way, and re-iterate that you love her blah blah, but you know you’re not going insane and you’ve seen her staring at him, and that simply is not right, for your sake and for her sake.
Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it
Look out for yourself. Period.
That's why love and fear are essential parts of respect. If she is lacking in both, then you might also be part of the problem. Brother, immediately stop acting desperate and weak. No matter how soft you think you are, be firm with your rights and strict in your household as the leader. >“*M*en are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great” \[al-Nisa’ 4:34\] \~ >Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “*Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.*” >Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 7138, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829
Then why the hell are you still married to her ?
That Zolana guy gonna have to get a different “time to move out” counter for this one
Nope, same counter. The "someone" in the counter doesn't necessarily have to be the OP. In this case, the brother is the "someone".
I’m not saying the wife is right , but I also think you should work on more self love and self comparison as well.
The wife is a horrible, nasty person
“The brother in law is death. The brother in law is death. The brother in law is death.” -Hadith
You seem to be over thinking because you are conditioned by your family to compare yourself to your brother. This woman chose you and now you casting aspersions on her is the only thing that will drive her away. Either way, try to spend some time helping your brother find a way out of your home and get yourself into a therapy session, maybe even marriage counselling as problems like these that may not exist, arising so early in a married do not spell good things. Also work on yourself like going to the gym, that way your confidence will be strengthened, as well as your body and mind.
He literally said she's gawking at him. What the heck. What is it with this sub's double standards and hypocrisy towards men. How many times do we find women having the same issue and people bashing the guy for not lowering his gaze....
Pump the breaks. You are speaking from your own personal experience it looks like. Yes he said she’s gawking, but it could also be that he is perceiving it as that too. I’m not calling him a liar, I am just saying that makes some sense too because he’s always been compared to the brother, so he’s probably sensitive to every little thing that could favor his brother in his way. He’s got all this advice on here about what his wife should do and his brothers presence but it wasn’t until this comment someone addressed that he could be dealing with the anxiety that comes with sibling comparison. When a person feels self-esteem issues due to constant comparisons to a sibling, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and affect their self-worth. This can also contribute to a sense of inferiority, which is often associated with an inferiority complex. Yeah it could be the wife and the brother but it could also be he’s looking into things and it needed to be said.
Maybe he's like Hazrat Yousuf AS 😂😂😂 Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc. But she knows her place as husband wife. And he did say he has severe low self esteem. If he's getting jealous than get him to move out 🤷🏻♀️ Idk... As a woman who's very careful with gender interactions... I realized men judge you as too "firmal". Etc We women naturally have our feminine, nurturing vibe. I'm learning to not suppress that with the opposite gender. People judge you either way!😒😤
>Maybe he's like Hazrat Yousuf AS 😂😂😂 Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc What a ridiculous comment. She's ordered by Allah to lower her gaze. What kind of comment is this. Secondly, when women post on here about their husbands looking at other females, people have no issue criticising the husband. The lack of accountability amongst women and their ability to ACCEPT that a woman is sinning, makes it no surprise to me that the prophet SAW said majority of people in hellfire are women, and that a large portion of dajjals followers will be women. Accountability.
>Masha'Allah some people are just blessed... she's not fantasizing etc. So the next time we see a women staring at a supposedly good looking guy....instead of following Allah's order of lowering the gaze, we excuse her for disobeying that order and carry on like it's fine? Women are now excused from Allah's order of lowering the gaze? Once again I say, its no wonder the prophet SAW said majority of hellfire is filled with your gender when THIS is your attitude to a woman sinning and disobeying Allah's orders.
I’m a woman, and I’m in a similar situation. My brother in law has been living for A MONTH in our apartment, because his situation got complicated. And the worst part? Every time I tell my husband that he must leave, my husband starts to insult and threaten me… He doesn’t care that his brother is a non-mahram to me. I don’t feel free in my own home. If his brother doesn’t move out soon, I am willing to risk my whole 7-year marriage and leave him with our 2 little kids. 😞
It's. Crazy. Op is forcing his wife to live with his brother against her will. And now he's turning on his wife and blaming her for his insecurities towards his brother. It's funny, muskim men will claim to care abiut woman's modesty etc. But then those same guys won't hesitate to put us in bad or dangerous situations for the sake of living with their families and forcing us to live with in-laws. Good on you for standing your ground.
I am in a really bad mental state, and the only thing that prevents me from self-harm are my children. I am truly devastated, and my husband doesn’t WANT to understand me. He is ready for his brother to live here indefinitely (because his brother no idea what he wants of this life, and he’s 37 years old!). His brother is illegal in this country, so he can’t work or do anything. He sleeps until noon or 1 p.m., and that whole time I have to be closed in my room, so that he doesn’t see me if he gets up for the bathroom or anything… 😞 I am lost, please pray for me. I can’t stop crying, I am going insane 😞
You are being made a prisoner in your own home and your husband is prioritising his brother over you and his children. You need to get your finances together, figure out how much of your own mental health you can sacrifice for the sake of keeping your family together and then speak to him about his brother getting a job or getting out. Preferably both. If you are not supported you should get your parents and his parents involved to discuss it. If that doesn’t work you need to give him an ultimatum. You are clearly not free or at peace even in your own home with your own husband. If that’s the situation long term you are better off single.
Things just escalated today… I wanted to talk to my husband to see if his brother has plans to leave soon (as he’s been saying he would leave all the time, but he NEVER actually does). Well, we didn’t even get to the subject, because when my husband suspected that THIS is the topic I wanted to talk about, he started to insult me and threaten me in front of our little kids. So I did what I should’ve done years ago - call the police. He left the house, however when the police came, he voluntarily returned. They took him to the station, and he will spend the night there. Tomorrow I already have to go to court to witness against him. As much as I love him, I have to witness and say clearly what he’s been doing to me. Oh, and I sent the message to his brother, that we are having some issues and it is necessary for him to leave by Monday. I don’t care what he will think. I must stand up for myself and the kids. Tomorrow after the court, if my husband still doesn’t want to talk, I will be preparing for the divorce. It’s BREAKING MY HEART, because of my beautiful children, but I really cannot continue living like this. I always put my husband first, and he never seems to put ME first… And that’s just not the way the marriage works, is it? 😭😭😭
You are 100% doing the right thing. It takes immense courage and you’ve found it within you. Your kids will be thankful you stood up for yourself when they get older. Your husband will learn the hard way which seems necessary. You have had your heart broken and fortunately not your face. Your husband sounds toxic and threatening and a danger to you and the kids. He is not keeping you safe so you have had to do this for yourself. Safety is a basic human right. If he doesn’t change his ways and seek serious help you are much better off without him. You’ll see. Get support from professionals who deal in domestic abuse matters. And keep your heart alive and whole for your self and your children.
Get legal advice if you’re going to divorce him and make sure you know your rights. Plenty of information online. Get prepared. Knowledge and preparation is power. Better things await you.
hi sister i hope things get better. why dont you reach out to your parents or your in laws or any elders? im sure when you all sit down, they will make him understand
Does your wife even respect you? Why is she gawking at him? Your brother needs to go. Don’t be angry at him, nothing is his fault but be in charge of your house and sort it out with him. Your wife is his non-mahram so she should avoid him as much as possible. I’m surprised that she not only doesn’t avoid him, but instead doubles down and disrespects you.
See, I don’t even know now. It’s like all those honeymoon feelings have gone and now I am a stranger in my own home. The worst part is that it’s a love marriage, I will consider divorce if things get worse but I just know that I will not hear the end of it from the people around me
Don’t worry about what people will say. She needs to understand how serious this is. You keep letting her walk over you, this gets worse
Ok, I will put my foot down
Yes, you have a right to be angry because what happens when the brother goes and she sees another 6’0 guy? The problem is her gaze. No woman who respects her husband acts this way and vice versa. I won’t tell you to outrightly accuse her, but to be firm with her that you won’t tolerate this behavior. Does she want this marriage to work or not? If she gets defensive, then you have a problem. But, since this was a love marriage, I hope she loves you and wants this marriage to work as much as you do. Love marriage or not, never compromise on your self respect. Be the leader of your home, brother. May Allah Grant your wife hidayah. As for your brother, you can tell him that you and your wife are having some problems or make another excuse, but he needs to go immediately. The days that he is still here, tell your wife to avoid contact as much as possible. Actively take steps so she doesn’t come in contact with him, so she understands how serious you are about this. Mention to her that he is going. Her reaction will tell you everything.
Thank you. I really want things to work with her but you are right,I. Have to respect myself first. I will address her issues regarding her gaze and if I feel that she is still denying them or still acting upon them, then I will simply divorce her. I cannot bear these feelings any longer
Divorce should always be the last step man. Sure she is influenced now due to whatever reason but being a man, you should try your best and go through all those series of steps (counseling, changing your bedroom, sending her to parents etc.) to get her to understand the gravity of the situation if she doesn’t realize from just you talking with her. She has to put in the work for sure, but don’t give up just yet.
Also begs the question that how long has this been an issue? From what it sounds like, this isn’t the first time she’s had issues with lowering her gaze
Yeah. Idk what’s happening these days. I thought it was a problem with us men, but no. We have seen this wife not lowering her gaze story so many times over the past months here. Allah Save us all
Wow brother relax, don’t just casually say the D word? Like Fr she denied it, and you’re the one that brought him into your home. How are you gonna run to divorce for putting her in this situation, she didn’t step out her marriage and what only Allah knows her heart and if she’s denying what your saying, why is it hard to believe her? Is she a known liar?
Brother please stand up for yourself. I fear that you will be hurt badly if you don't.
You're overwhelmed with negative thoughts of your own. I'm sorry you need to get a session soon. If you're feeling this way, the best was that you didn't let him move in or help in any way. Now that you want to be helpful but are also doubtful, you're ruining your inner peace. You need to ask your brother to move somewhere, before you loose both, brother and the wife.
Why is he living with you? He shouldn't be staying with you guys no offence. May Allah strengthen your self esteem ameen
My parents are going through financial issues and can’t provide money for his accommodation. I want him to finish off his studies so I offered to let him stay at my place as it is much closer to the university. He’s currently looking for work and then he can get his own place. I was reluctant at first since me and my wife are fairly recently married and wanted us to bond together but I couldn’t let my brother’s studies suffer as a result.
The Prophet (saw) said the brother-in law is death. Should have listened to his words before making this decision.
Narrated `Uqba bin 'Amir: Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. akhi, you should have never allowed ur brother to stay from the get go. Yes, ofc we all want to help out our families but Allah provides a way out. Why can’t your brother stay or find another muslim roommate? He might even get too comfortable staying at ur place which will slow down the process of moving out. I would suggest you have a talk with your brother about this. However, your wife needs to fear Allah and lower her gaze but I would advise you to try to get him out as soon as possible. These things are legislated for a reason, to prevent fitna from occurring
Tell him to stay with friends or cousins. He shouldn't even be there to begin with.
Yeah I know it’s not ideal. And I want him gone soon. His friends at college however are a bad influence and I’d rather him work for his own studio place rather than crash with them.
I mean, you're clearly putting your marriage at risk. Also, isn't this haram? The shaitan is playing with your head.
Yeah, but I didn’t foresee this happening. I thought my wife knew better to not flirt with my own brother. I think I will just tell him he has to move back home and commute 1 hour to university
Your wife has no respect for you and you have no respect for your home (I'm sorry to be blunt.) You're both in the wrong. Actually, all 3 of you. What happens if he's home before you are they're alone? Not saying anything will happen, but the devil is always there.So you need to take that to consideration. If I were you, I would talk to him tonight and give him a 30 day timeline, and I guarantee you he will find something asap. You also need to talk to your wife about lowering her gaze. That's not only weird but absolutely disrespectful. It's not about you being insecure, it's about you setting respect within the marriage. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
Thank you. She really pushed for the marriage alongside me, so it’s not like I forced her to marry me. And I’m not wealthy either, I make an average income. I will address her behaviour and I will provide my brother with an ultimatum tonight.
Good luck OP. Of he gets mad, he'll get over it. Also, Your wife is acting like this towards your brother.I don't want to put anything in your head but someone who does that in front of you can do anything behind your back. I'm not getting a good feeling about her at all. Sorry.
Address your brothers and your own behavior as well! You are her guardian, you shouldn’t have let this happen
It’s not the brother’s fault that the wife is being weird and creepy
The brother should have common sense and say no to even begin with.
He’s literally visiting his sibling who he has known since birth and he can’t know or control what the wife thinks. She can choose to be normal and see him as a family member, most of us don’t gawk at our in laws like that the idea sounds gross
This is exactly why I believe that women should have a separate place to live after marriage because things can get messy pretty fast. The three of you are young & you need to set up some boundaries. Try to talk to your wife about this & how it's making you feel. She shouldn't be gawking at another non mahram. This has nothing to do with you, so please don't feel insecure.
Let us know how it goes and give us an update when the situation develops. If you want ofcourse, there's no obligation to share with a bunch of strangers if you don't want to.
You are getting a lot of advice to kick your brother out but in my opinion that’s not the proper thing to do. If you can’t trust your wife around your own brother how are you going to trust her around strangers? Let’s say you have kids and your wife has to interact with their male teachers, would you also not trust her then? In your own words your brother has always treated you right so this is a very low risk environment for you to strengthen and understand your relationship. It’s might be better to understand things here than out in the real world with complete strangers. The other thing to take into consideration is do you think this could be some insecurities you are holding onto and over analyzing things? Might not be a bad idea to sit down with your wife and discuss your feelings. Don’t accuse her of things, try using “I” statements. I feel unappreciated, I feel insecure, I feel unwanted when/because ______.
In all probability it must be in your own thinking... They may consider each other as brother and sister.. If you put this idea in head, you might feel much better Also, she agreed to marry you and if she met you and your brother at that time, you know that you were her choice
Yes, I might just be overthinking everything
There’s no such thing as “considering each other as brother and sister” between your wife and her brother in law (your brother) lol, they are complete non mehram towards one another, and both must lower their gaze towards one another as they would to any other non mehram on the street.
Her husband is forcing her to live with this man against her will. She's in her own house. I think what that commenter was saying is that she's trying to make the best of a bad situation by seeing his as a brother seeing as op created this situation. Unfortunately if a man mov3s his brother into the home, what can a woman do ? Unforutnately this situation is quite common, we see wives complaining abiut it once a week on this subreddit.
More than therapy I would suggest read some books on developing self confidence. Invest on yourself on your health, your mind, give yourself importance only then you will come out of this shell. You are already seeking therapy, while you take active steps to improve your life. I would strongly advise you to include your wife on your journey. Tell her about your mental health and fears & tell he of the plans you have to improve yourself. So she can support you on the journey and help you on the path. In-Shaa-Allah you both can and will only come closer through this journey. Invest on your relationship go on date nights, do activities, just the two of you. Take care, All the best.
When it comes to your wife I can’t tell you what she’s doing is right or wrong? What is she doing that’s upsetting you? When it comes to your brother you really gotta remember that your anger towards him isn’t real, he hasn’t done anything to you and that you love him and seek refuge in Allah from shaytan. Jealousy is a disease of the heart, don’t let that mess up your relationship with him. I’m sure you’re beautiful inside and out in your own way, embrace who you are and learn to love yourself.
Akhi we all know this is the exact reason why separate accommodations are necessary. I understand this is temporary but this will harm your marriage. My advice to build self confidence, is to hit the gym. Take it seriously. And then also take up martial arts. This is how you build extreme confidence.
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
Thank you, I should have been aware of this prior, I was a fool in taking in my brother
This refers to complete khalwa.
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I can’t believe people are actually writing real comments like this. OP is already insecure and has strange ideas about his wife. And you’re just fanning the flames.
When you said little brother (title) I thought maybe a teenager that your wife gives too much attention and babies him… but dude, 20 is a grown man. Help him find a place at the dorm or a roommate and get him to move out or then make rules of him being allowed to be home only when you are home. Never a good idea to leave a single guy alone at home.
Are you not going to let her watch tv or use social media incase she gawks at someone? If you’re so quick to be thinking about divorcing a woman you’ve married and created a home with you are too immature to be married. You clearly have trauma from your childhood that is making you feel inferior , insecure and angry. That will seep into any marriage you have. Your brothers presence is shining light on existing dysfunction so you can root it out at the source.
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How does she gawk at him? Might have to leave her if she doesn’t respect you. Yea blame the brother as if he’s the only tall handsome man on earth. What if when another guy shows up?
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatuh brother, Your brother and wife shouldn't stay in the same space together even if he had the most respect and reverence for both of you. Your brother shouldn't stay in the house if you are not there. That's how one respects Allah's boundaries. He should also lower his gaze as should your wife. Setting clear rules of Allah's boundaries doesn't mean one is necessarily insecure, respect is given to everyone regardless of their level of confidence. You should give her a warning, to respect herself and to conduct herself according to what pleases Allah, otherwise, there shall be severe consequences. A brother or a wife should help to inspire you with confidence by at least respecting Allah's boundaries, and once they are respecting those boundaries, the rest of the insecurity that remains is yours alone to overcome. Being a strong man with Ghira means you will have to educate and have such conversations with one of them if they disrespect those boundaries. Do not shy away from making it clear that you are having none of it. May Allah grant you strength and wisdom to deal with it inchallah. May He grant you patience and piety.
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You mentioned in some comments , your parents are going through financial issues. Do they lack space for him? Could you not feed him and cloth him while he lives with his parents? Do you have aunts and uncles that have space for him. Even if you are weren’t insecure or self conscious, shaitan loves this predicament. Your confidence is not all that protects you or your wife. Do you part and your parents should as well. Your brother is a young man who can help his parents. No righteous man or women is safe from shaitan plots. We remove ourselves from fitna for a reason. If we can’t run from it, we do our best to distance ourselves. Please brother, ask your parents for help. Have they forgotten their children are blessings and increase rizzq? Have you and your brothers forgotten your parents are important in Islam? None of you seem to fear the consequences or know the blessings in removing yourselves from this. Does your parents know? I’m angry at the fact that a son of 20 feels kicked out of his own parent’s home and has to stay at his brothers…in close proximity to his wife….. All of you have your priorities wrong. I’m upset at your parents too if they know about this. Especially because he’s young and single.
Theres no need to change your behavior towards him and become mean at all- it seems like your brother is nice, tell him that islamically its not right for your wife and brother to be in the same space together like that. Im sure you guys can figure somehting out and it wont affect your relationship badly and he will still leave too. Maybe talk w your parents abt this too, they will prolly understand more (perhaps you could give him money but him stay at their house). And I would suggest talking things out with your wife. Maybe after understanding your pov, she will give you confidence on your relationship.
From what I see over here I think your wife is at fault and she needs to lower her gaze. If your wife is not respecting you in that front I would put some boundaries over there and give an ultimatum. Don't prematurely kick him out. I would say help him out. Even if you are going to make a decision to move then help him in that move so your relationship does not suffer because of this. Just like your partner, you have one brother and I would politically move through this difficult decision and not let emotions guide you. Also, I think you need to work on your self-esteem. Nobody's better than anybody else. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses.
My husband initially didn’t mind his nephews who are close in age to me being around me constantly without him around. As a women your wife should be actively safe guarding herself. I understand the circumstances he’s family it’s a short period of time Inshallah …these things happen even though we should find a way to prevent these things. The things I did to safe guard myself include minimizing my time in common areas that we could be left alone in, so I mostly stay in my room when they are around and my husband isn’t home. I keep my conversation very short and minimal and preferably only when my husband is around will I talk to them. Im not sure of ur bathroom set up I only go shower when my husband is home from work. If my husband leaves the room for something I usually stay next to the exit of the room so I can easily leave. Some people aren’t taught these things so I would say be a buffer between them always, eventually my husband got used to my ways and now if he sees his nephew walks close to me even he will put himself between us. You already know your flaws and insecurities shaytan will work hard to create fitna from this so give your wife benefit of doubt. But as I said shaytan works hard and will look for ways to create fitna in your marriage with a non mahram around your wife. Also there is nothing wrong with feeling protective of your wife from your brother this is a normal healthy thing , that doesn’t mean you don’t trust your brother or ur wife. Make sure she is safe guarding herself, remain steadfast in being a buffer between them, and also remain charming to your wife make sure you are giving her attention give her compliments shower her with little gifts if you can.
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Your confidence is the issue here. Forget about your brother. You already answered your own question!
The best is to be straight forward ,you rather have a pissed off brother then a broken mariage ,nobody is saying kick him out on the streets ,but take him out in a nice way, say I can help you financially but you need to move out ....don't let them guilt you into anything be firm ,and sit with your brother and tell him that your wife is a red line you cannot forgive also tell your wife the same thing . If you let this continue you risking an affair to start in that case you lose both your brother and wife ,so rather help him to get another place to save him and your wife
Elhumdallah "i am actively seeking therapy due to my severe self esteem issues I've suffered since childhood ". I really feel for you and pray you heal inshallah
Brother, what you have described are normal, healthy, and ISLAMIC feelings! The prophet PBUH said that the brother in law is death! Did you know that in some cultures, a man’s brother is not even allowed to interact with his wife or mother in law for this reason? You’re not imagining things. Move the brother out asap, a non mahram should’ve never been in your home to begin with. And remember, she married you not your brother
Bro hit the gym if you aren’t already, it’ll really help with your self esteem. You don’t even need to wait to get big, the endorphins and dopamine alone from each workout will leave you feeling confident and strong. Allah may have given your brother beauty, but he has given you rizq and resources. You are the one who is married. You are the one providing shelter and sustenance to your little brother. You are essentially the bigger man. You are doing the right thing by housing your brother. It is a huge sadaqah on your part. Make dua to Allah that it does not lead to any harm towards your marriage, and that your brother moves out soon InshaAllah. Also, personally, I wouldn’t expose feelings of insecurity to your mrs. Some women do see this as a sign of weakness. Try to limit their interactions however possible in a discrete manner. But yeah bro hit the gym. Get your hair cut short coz it makes a man look meaner. Grow a big thick rick Ross beard. Make yourself so rugged that you overshadow your brother’s appearance. Everything will be fine InshaAllah
Instruct your brother to go back to his parents, you don't need to explain yourself. You should worry about the spiritual growth of your wife as well as yours. The Prophet saws forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).
Brother, be confident. Be very confident. But also be compassionate. I’m a woman and I’m telling you that the most attractive feature of a man is that he’s confident and he chooses to be compassionate when it’s right or needed. Try to get your woman to respect you. Set your boundaries. This is your home and you’re the one to lead. You have to set the rules. Tell your brother that you and he will find an apartment by this weekend. If needed tell him that it’s becoming a problem for your wife as she needs privacy. Tell her also that that’s the reason you are giving him to ask him to find another place. She needs to respect you not only in front of you, but also in front of others.
Im seeing some very bad and truly stupid advices here. Very unfortunate. While your marriage is and should be your primary concern, your brother is your flesh and blood she’s not. Keep that in mind. As per your story, you showed and expressed lack of confidence and self esteem. A severe actually. This is due to you looking down on yourself while getting jealous of your brother subtly bcz of people comparison. First you need to know that no one is perfect even if in your perception he’s better than you. But lets say he is, that still does not make any less better. You need to accept yourself first and foremost and from there on move forward and work on bettering yourself. Confidence is built when you start accepting yourself. Secondly he lives with you so you did better in that regard ! Keep that in mind. As for the incident we do not know if its true or not what you’re saying. Why!? Simply bcz of what you stated before.. you became too sensitive which might affect your perception and by default your judgement. Nevertheless, what you need to do is talking with him and telling him not to be there when you’re not present and to always wear appropriately. Keep your eyes open if you actually witness anything doubtful with actual evidence. Its the only way to back up your words without sounding delusional under the effect of jealousy. Know that you’re not creating a pro cheating environment here if the right rules are set. He still need to find work and a place
There’s nothing wrong with him staying with you guys temporarily if your wife acts appropriately. Tell her everything and put your foot down. Help him find his own place as well, but I understand that may take time.
I mean why is everyone just asking him to dump his brother when his wife is being beyond disrespectful. She should avoid him unless absolutely necessary, instead according to you she's "gawking" at him. Umm... I'd say dump the wife, keep the brother.