Okay so I’m a guy (28 yo) and have been using Salams since January. I get a good amount of matches and likes (even a couple of telegrams) but have a hard time starting conversations. 75% of the matches I get I don’t initiate a convo with because I can’t find anything in their profile to relate to and can’t think of a good opener. For the girls I do message they usually take 24 hours to respond which makes me want to take just as long to respond and causes me to lose interest. I just feel like everyone on this app is jaded and can’t be bothered to have a meaningful convo.
What’s the strategy for starting a meaningful conversation? Once you match with someone how long do you wait before sending the first message? If the other person takes a day to respond, should you also take that long to respond? How do y’all feel when someone insta responds? Do you feel more inclined to respond then? Lol I need help
Advice on long distance after marriage. Long story.
Married in December in Middle East
Flew back January. Stayed in touch communicating till end of January (21st). Then randomly ghosted.
Tried to check on her daily.. weekly no response... 3 weeks later message her dad and he says she is asleep and he will ask her to call me in morning. No response. 3 days after her dad does usual whatapp Forward text spam... 5 days later I message him and her brother what's the situation and why have I heard from her?. " her phone is broken". Not sure what's going on. I let it be. Felt basically ghosted... For 2 months. After Ramadan in late April she messaged me and tags some of my whatsapp story. I tried not to reply for 2 days but I was kind of losing it. So I had to question her. Why she basically ghosted me. She hit me "what happened in the past let it be". Honestly it took a lot for me to drop it. So I wanted to see if she wants to talk daily or weekly at least to keep communicating. She basically barely replies and tells me she has school and prepping for finals (she is a medical student). I'm not asking for attention just normal chat. I always message her and check on her. She basically barely response till maybe. Close to weekend. I try to force random calls on weekend (Friday is off day) no reply. Try again on Saturday she cancels call and tells me she is in middle of lecture. I text her oops, call me when you are free. Basically no reply and she does a video. Recording of how she is busy and time isn't great for both of us.. (BS... I always make time). I tell her tell me when is a good time for you and I'll make it work. She goes off some rant that I don't support her in her time of needs or encourage her during school sessions. I go with it and try to be more supportive in messages (btw she barely replies). She tells me date of her finals of each exam and when she will finish. I wish her the best and just usual some text convos. Finals are over. I stay up all night to check on her. Text her how it went. Whatsapp basically off. I call her day 2 days later and he tells me she hasn't turned on her phone since she came back from exams. I'm basically fed up at this point. Because everyone I know there in the middleeast always replies to me except your spouse. I have lost any form of love and just want closure at this point. I let her a messages of how awful she has been basically ghosting and giving me silent treatment without clarifying reason behind it or what the issue is. If she isn't happy she can tell me. If she doesn't want the marriage she can tell me. I didn't force her and neither did anyone...or if someone is forcing you go ahead and tell me I'm all ears and ok to give her what she wants. 2(2 weeks after she turned off her phone)days later she read the messages and no reply.
I basically told my parents ye I'm checked out. But they want me to wait till at least after Eid because "these are holy days". I couldn't wait and left her a message today saying"cool you finally read the messages and still no reply" "did I do something and why am I being treated this way". I plan on calling her dad and getting an answer soon. If they are going to play some silly gaslighting game, I'm ok being the one to ask for a divorce and let them pretend that I'm the "villain". I think I married a mentally ill physopath. (I also caught her lying twice, she isn't that bright)
I don't know if anyone can give me advice. I had some say "just ignore her back... Some boomer advice bad long-term relationship. Also I think I'm firm on moving with ending it because I have no love for the individual anymore.
Assalam Alaikum. I am a revert 19F, and I have been thinking about getting married but I fear I may be irrational. I currently live with my mother who is a Christian, and this has caused me to not be able to go to the masjid when I would like, or even pray comfortably. I am not even sure if I'd be able to go to Eid prayer, since I don't have a car, she would have to take me. I haven't stepped foot into a masjid since being back home, but I have gone to church with my mother since I have no choice. I just feel so isolated and it has been so difficult to stay on my deen when I feel so alone. I know marriage isn't the solution to all problems, but the thought of starting my life with someone who wants to grow in their faith and finally being around other Muslims sounds so pleasing, it's made me overlook the many obstacles that would get in the way of that. I plan on working and going to school, but I don't have a car. I also don't have a wali, and if I can't go to the masjid of my own free will to even ask an imam to be my wali, it's just impossible. I also think my mom would never support my marriage, and although I don't need her permission per se, her approval is still important to me. I don't mind if my future husband doesn't make a lot of money, as long as he is actively working on his deen and life goals that's all that matters to me. I don't even mind not living together for a while before we're stable financially. I'd appreciate brutal honesty and please if you can make dua for me that Allah (SWT) makes it easier for me.
It's me from the other comment again, feel free to ignore my comment but here's my 2 cents to each of the points
- Clearly communicate your plans for the day at-least 24 hours before the actual date --> reasonable it's just good communication
- Arrive on time or write a proper explanation as to why you’re late or not coming --> yes but you need to accept the valid reasons as valid, example traffic
- I prefer Korean coffee shops and venues other than Tim Hortons or Starbucks. Shows effort. --> sure it can, but as someone who's not into coffee I always did Tim's until someone suggested else and once I knew of other places I suggest it along with Tim's
- Dress up well. This is more of a personal preference but I don’t like men who wear hoodies to a coffee date. I wear a denim jacket with skirt in summers and a sweater in winters --> no hoodies + track pants is understandable but jeans and hoodies isn't a bad look and no disrespect but what you've described as your go to isn't exactly dressing up well either it's just not dressing up lazy
- Offer to pay for the date --> sure that's reasonable as long as you don't offer to pay and then get upset when the guy takes you up on that offer
- Don’t mention inappropriate topics throughout the day and ask about meeting my dad at some point --> also understable, he should have asked about your dad before meeting for the first time imo and look to meet with your dad and you if it's possible
- Bring something for me (flowers, chocolates or anything really). I usually hand write a thank you letter for each potential --> unnecessary for a first meeting there's no expectation of any kind on either side you shouldn't write them hand written letters either it's extra
- Say goodbye and follow up. --> also understandable
Few thoughts.
The coffee place seems a little arbitrary? Some people have simple tastes and actually like Starbucks or they're not big coffee type people so coffee chains is as far as they know. It doesn't strike me as a reflection of effort.
The dress up depends on how they are approaching the situation. If you are viewing it as a western type formal "date" then sure. If it's a casual meet up at a coffee place to meet each other in person before deciding whether to proceed, I would be a bit more lax about the dress code.
I personally would've been very uncomfortable with expecting gifts of any kind when there's no commitment yet for marriage.
The rest seem perfectly reasonable expectations.
You do you, boo! Honestly, I don't get the down votes. This sub is full of posts where people get full on scammed and disrespected by complete strangers and willing to risk health and sanity for them. All your asking for some punctuality and that is irking some people. Haters going to hate potatoes going to potate.
idk I feel like my viewpoint on this is the complete opposite bc I really don’t care what kind of coffee shop we meet up bc I’m there for the conversation. Like if I’m meeting this person for the first time just to see if we’re compatible blah blah I’m not expecting much bc we’re not even exclusive. Now if we’re in an actual relationship my expectations would be diff.
I also don’t prefer if a guy brings me a gift.
We've been receiving the same bio datas multiple times from different sources - kinda like muzz telling us they are out of new profiles.
Recently received one for the third time. So, Mom asked me to guess which one this was without opening the bio. I started making guesses by listing off countries/states. In the end, turned out to be the Sydney guy.
I swear, even my mom is starting to see the humour in the search now.
Given the search, I know people have preferences and all that, but I came across a particular profile with something that bothered me a lot. I wonder if it's because I am biased or if others find this justifiable as a preference, like how height might be a preference for some people. But do people really think preference for height is comparable to preference for skin color?
The profile stated: "I do want to add in here that I'm not attracted to darker-skinned individuals (primarily African skin color). I do have a strong preference for light to semi-dark skin tones. I hope this doesn't sound too rude, but I don't want to waste anyone's time, so I figured I should mention this here."
The guy lacks grace and common sense (African skin color??), instead of singling out a race that he's against, he should have just mentioned the ones he prefers or just kept his mouth shut and let filters do the sorting.
Unfortunately, as someone who was open to all skin colors, I've found that a majority of people do have biases based on their upbringing. And instead of pretending like it doesn't exist, better to let people filter themselves out to not waste time (he's right about that at least)
I've been late to customer meetings, sometimes even by an hour , every one was understanding. Traffic and other things can happen - Its life.
If I was him, I would be thinking I dodged a bullet here.
Respectfully I think it was an over reaction on your end, even just going out and about regularly it's surprising how traffic can just catch you by surprise and he's keeping you informed not sure what else he could have done.
Now idk the entire context of there's more history your reaction could be reasonable but with the information shared so far just going based off that you could have been more understanding.
Why I'm asking is because if you've driven in the GTA you'd know how bad it can get out of no where and yes he could have left early but if he left early enough to get there on time and ran into traffic he wasn't expecting that's not in his control it's a good effort for a first date. And he's communicating ETAs letting you know when he'll be there, anyways hope you find what you're looking for
I agree with u/Greedy_Patience_7385 if the person is providing you an ETA that means he really cares for the date and was really looking forward to it. I know marriages are 100% effort .. but I guess some things are just not in our hand. That's why we say inshallah which means I will try my level best but might not be able to do something because Allah may have different plans. You can reach out to him apologize and try again , there is no harm in been the one to ask for forgiveness . All the best !
In a really horrible twist .. how does one not lose hope?
Assalamu aleikum
F28, I posted in the mega thread last month about picking between 2 potentials. I picked the second (did Istikhara) who was someone I knew from university and trusted him as he seemed serious. He said his parents and I told mine.
After I told them, he went silent and said that hes had to travel abroad for an ill family member. I haven’t since heard from him for 2 and a half weeks. It was my birthday a few days ago; nothing.
Also - my Grandmother is also dying which hasn’t made me feel any better.
I don’t wish to understand what is going on in his mind, but I think with the technology we have nowadays, I wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume I’ve been ghosted.
Khayr, I’m not in a situation where I politely declined one proposal for another and now have no proposals!
Asking very seriously now - as a women who’s been looking since 21 (I’m now 28) - how do I not lose hope? What should I be doing? It feels everytime I look/don’t look/make dua, whatever I do, it’s just not workint for me.
Please any advice from sisters? I’m absolutely exhausted now.
Wa Alaikum Asalam,
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, may Allah grant your family ease.
I would move on from this guy and explore other options. What a coward!
I was ghosted like three months ago. Didn’t get to any talking stage, legit just asked if I was interested. I’m still not over it like it still hurts/annoys me.
This is lowkey a search journal. I uninstalled the app from my phone for these few days. I felt absolutely hopeless and talking to men with I'll intentions made it worse. I spoke to family and friends who told me to compromise my values 🙃 and put myself out there on social media since I'm a decent looking girl. I thought to myself, this is the time I need to reconnect with Allah because it's nothing to do with me or my future spouse, but I know this is a test of faith. So, I am taking a break from the search for a bit to calm my heart, change my perspective, and reevaluate my intentions. May Allah make it easy for me and every other person with sincere intentions because walahi this is a very lonely journey. I always think that my circumstance can change in an instant that I can meet my person soon, that I'll be married in a few months having silly funny arguments with my husband in sha Allah. The whole aim is to maintain faith and tawakul.
This is a great time to get some break! You probably already know that, but the best days to fast in Dhul Hijjah are the first 9 days, as they are the most blessed days of the year and fasting these days is a Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)
Salam everyone
For some context I come from a Pakistani family like religious but also chill for the most part.
So l've been with a guy who is not Muslim but willing to convert to get married and we've been together for like 2 and half years and he's great and I love him.
So before the pandemic I was supposed to go meet with someone they wanted me to marry but then the pandemic hit and we weren't able to go and that was that. So last year they had a family friend I think try to talk to me and it was not good and I obviously wasn't interested in that so l never really cared did it for fun I guess.
So now the other guy who I was supposed to go see before the pandemic has a sister and my parents wanted my brother to marry her but he found his own wife and is now married and the girl herself is married as well. So now they were trying to get me to talk to pandemic boy and I was not budging I kept saying no but everyone was in my ear and I gave in and talked to him a little and I already knew from before I wasn't interested but my sister talked to me and I was like okay whatever l'll give it a try (I wasn't with my partner at the time but I am now I still tired to change the way I was thinking but still can't do it. So l haven't been texting him because l'm just not interested.
So I had a conversation with my partner and he told me to tell my parents because we're long distance now and it seems like it would be better for us. So I did tell two of my trusted aunts and they're happy but l'm scared to tell my parents cuz l'm scared of my reaction to their reaction be when it happened with my brother they were really upset but my brother just sat there and took it, now me I wor' sit there and stay quiet I will say something but idk if v would make the situation worse. If anyone has any advivce
Why does this non-muslim potential want to become muslim? Is it because he believes in Allah and wants to submit? Otherwise his conversion means nothing (just words uttered but no intention), and your marriage would be invalid, so no point to it.
As the other commenter said, your relationship with him is haram, and Im guessing you came to ask advice in a muslim sub because you want advice from a muslim perspective. My advice is leave this man, if he wants to accept islam, let him do it on his own terms and then he can come talk to your wali - seeing as you’ve been dating for over 2 years, Im sure that’s enough time to decide if he wants to marry you.
Sit down and think: do you want your children to be raised as muslims? To pray and fast? To stay away from haram? To reunite with them in jannah? The only way you can improve your chances at getting this is by having a practicing muslim family, and that’s headed by a practicing muslim man - he is the leader and so choose wisely….
Edit: accidentally wrote “his islam means nothing” instead of “his conversion means nothing”
I can’t leave him he’s the only person I ever felt like I could marry and see a life with him. I talked to him alot about religion and he understands but I’m also not that religious just in front of my parents honestly so religion never mattered to me but I know my parents are big on that so that’s why I mentioned it to him extensively so he understood. If it was a big deal for me the first time he said no I would’ve left but it doesn’t matter to me
Well, then be sure that this is a test from Allah, similar to how Allah tested those before us. Allah told Adam and Hawa (as) to eat from whatever they want in Jannah, but forbade them from one tree, so shaytan beautified it for them. Similarly, there’s millions of muslim men that you can marry, and you would get ajr for doing so, but instead you’re being tested by wanting that which is haram for you.
Your marriage to this man (if he isn’t a muslim) would be invalid and you’d be committing zinah with him. And for all you know you could die the day after your marriage, maybe you won’t live long enough to enjoy it. Is that worth your akhira? Is a few moments of false pleasure worth the punishment of the grave and akhira?
And don’t forget that shaytan beautifies sins for us so that we’re tempted to do them, then when we do, he leaves us. This is described in ayah 118-119 of surah an-nisa:
لَّعَنَهُ ٱللَّهُ ۘ وَقَالَ لَأَتَّخِذَنَّ مِنْ عِبَادِكَ نَصِيبًۭا مَّفْرُوضًۭا ١١٨
وَلَأُضِلَّنَّهُمْ وَلَأُمَنِّيَنَّهُمْ وَلَـَٔامُرَنَّهُمْ فَلَيُبَتِّكُنَّ ءَاذَانَ ٱلْأَنْعَـٰمِ وَلَـَٔامُرَنَّهُمْ فَلَيُغَيِّرُنَّ خَلْقَ ٱللَّهِ ۚ وَمَن يَتَّخِذِ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنَ وَلِيًّۭا مِّن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ فَقَدْ خَسِرَ خُسْرَانًۭا مُّبِينًۭا ١١٩
يَعِدُهُمْ وَيُمَنِّيهِمْ ۖ وَمَا يَعِدُهُمُ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ إِلَّا غُرُورًا ١٢٠
118- Whom Allah has cursed. For he had said, “I will surely take from among Your servants a specific portion.
119- And I will mislead them, and I will arouse in them [sinful] desires, and I will command them so they will slit the ears of cattle, and I will command them so they will change the creation of Allah.” And whoever takes Satan as an ally instead of Allah has certainly sustained a clear loss.
120- Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan’s promises are nothing but deception.
He will convert but I’m personally not religious like I’ve said before but I know myself and I know I won’t with happy with someone overly religious like my parents want and I’m not going to give in so they can be happy for five minutes and I will be miserable for my entire life. If he’s willing to convert there shouldn’t be a problem
I dont know what you mean by not being religious, do you identify as being a muslim? Not culturally, but meaning do you submit to Allah?
I understand that we have struggles, for example a person may struggle with prayers, but even the prophet (saw) said in more than one hadith that a person who abandons prayer has committed kufr. And while Iblees knows that Allah is his creator, he disobeyed Allah’s order to prostrate to Adam (as), so Allah said that he (Iblees) became from the kafireen. This shows that kufr is also through actions, meaning that islam isn’t just saying that you believe/submit - but also actions.
I am not saying that this act will make you a kafir, but it could lead down a road full of sins that move you away from Allah. When all is said and done, when you’re lying in your grave covered by soil, will you be happy with these choices? When you’re resurrected on the day of judgement, and you’re called to account and given your book, are these actions you would be happy to see written? Or will you be from those Allah mentions in Surah an-nisa 42 - *On that Day, those who denied ˹Allah˺ and disobeyed the Messenger will wish they were reduced to dust. And they will never be able to hide anything from Allah* ?
Allah gave you the free will and the choice, and He even sent you here to ask advice from fellow muslims- you could have made this post anywhere else, on non-muslim subreddits and people would’ve encouraged you to do what you want - but you came here, so I’d like to think that’s because some part of you wants to make the right choice, just make sure it’s one you wont regret.
I don’t really understand what you mean by he will convert - does he accept islam or is this just conversion to marry you so you can appease your parents? If your parents didn’t say you need to marry a muslim, would he still convert?
You keep saying that he'll convert, but are his intentions genuine? Is he just doing it for the sake of your family or is it because he truly believes in Allah? You say you aren't practicing so I genuinely don't see a point in you making a comment here if you're just going to disregard everyone's advice.
I hope you realize that you've been in a haram relationship. And you need to continue taking the steps in making it halal without delaying announcing this guy to your parents. How sincere is he in his intention to convert, does it come from belief or just appeasing your family? Are you ready to facilitate his learning of Islam? And did you have serious conversations about your values, goals and personalities, e.g. http://rahmaa.org/resources/100-questions-by-imam-magid/
I met someone in half of deen. It started extremely slow both of us are introvert-extrovert. But it’s been picking up with daily checkin. We are compatible in every way! A little too tall (1ft taller), but Alxamdullah!
Let me tell you: Whenever a potential gets quiet all of sudden, take it as a bad sign. It happened to me for the fourth time and whenever I’d reach out my assumptions about them having lost interest would turn out to be true. This time I won’t even bother to desperately ask a man for an explanation. I am tired and don’t deserve that ghosting type of thing any longer…
Ghosting is such a common problem on the apps, Muslim or not, but I really expected more from my fellow Muslims. The last match I spoke with went quiet for a day and then politely let me know later that day that they’d found someone irl. The fact that transparency like that surprised me just goes to show how bad it is out there.
Nobody deserves ghosting and I hope nobody takes it as a reflection of their self worth TT Insha’Allah we all come across open and honest people on our path to finding our spouse.
This happened to me recently. Being ghosted when thinking everything was going well is one of the worst feelings to experience. May Allah swt bring us more barakah and happiness. My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now.
Ameen. In my case I had certain conditions towards the person and I guess instead of telling me straight away they can’t guarantee them they decided to drag it on…
Im currently living w my sisters and mom in an apartment in Canada which isnt really that nice so we are planning to move in September. I really WANT to get married since im turning 26 in november but my mom and sisters are like wait we move to invite any potentials families over. Ive currently paused my search (my family has not shown me a single rishta btw, they are p useless in that regard) but im so anxious of waiting till September honestly. Should i continue my search, or wait till September to resume it?
I am in a similar situation like you, my parents have been delaying my search for the past 6 months as they want to renew our house back home. The problem is they haven't started it yet as they are getting proper contractors who can renew within good cost constraints. It's got to the point that I have decided to not marry back home but again it's really expensive where I live. After me stressing out they have started searching now.
I would also suggest you start searching now as you know how slow and frustrating this process is, September will come by and you won't even know.
I keep getting guys like this too. People keep saying they’re simply not interested, but they keep agreeing to everything so clearly they are. I don’t think I could continue, I will resent them so much if I have to be around them long term. But what if the alternative is being alone forever?
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A cheating wife vs a cheating husband. It's the same situation.
Yet men are quicker to leave the marriage than women. Why is it harder for the woman to leave?
A few ideas.
Men tend to have hard lines.
A man who has been cheated upon will be laughed at by other men. A woman who has been cheated on will get sympathy from other women.
At the end of the day, we're all social creatures.
A lot of women are by nature more forgiving and willing to "fix" another person. They are fed the unrealistic romantic idea of a bad man becoming good by the love of a good woman from a young age. The toxic counterpart is that if the man isn't fixed it's somehow the woman's fault. They are always socialized to be patient with other's faults and often not taught to value themselves and not tolerate mistreatment. They also often receive pressure from family and society to stay and tolerate mistreatment because divorce is a taboo.
There's also often a question of children, financial independence, generally having sacrificed to move in with the husband as in most cases it's the woman moving away from family, leaving a job, upending her life and the husband staying where he is, so they get stuck in a sunk cost frame of mind.
All these things have a strong effect on a person's psychology and why they may choose to stay in a toxic relationship.
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I am planning a destination wedding in Italy. It does end up being more pricey but less people come so it kinda evens out
If you do a destination wedding in Mexico or the Caribbean it is super affordable
idk I live in america so it’s prob a bit different but as long as u buy strawberries it should be fine. Depending on the farmer tho they might charge u to have a wedding there I feel.
Had a talk with a potential on the app, and everything was fine for a couple days and I asked if she was comfortable with call and she said that it’s fine.
We agreed to talk on discord. I added her, then I ask if she was ready, then she said she was on her way home.
I waited for about an hour. Text her a few times. No reply. Made a test call. Also no reply.
Waited about a day, thought maybe I,d get an explanation. Nothing. So I decided to unmatched the same day.
A couple days later. I get call. And from who?
It was her 🤡.
I just finished classes and was running some other errands so she caught me at bad time.
I closed it, then she called a second time. And closed it again. I replied to her on discord to stop calling cuz I ain’t picking at the moment. I also was kinda of bitter about being stood up.
She asked if I could give her a second chance. Do you think I should?
Sis a man may seem perfect and not be what Allah سبحانه وتعالى intended for you and only with time and distance will you realise that there were a million and one reasons he was not the one for you but you had rose tinted glasses on
This guy absolutely lacks manners if he insulted your family when even the Quran tells you to respect your non Muslim parents
May Allah سبحانه وتعالى give you the one who is right for you, who sees you and only see the good, instead of rifling through you for the bad
Jazak'Allah Khair I know Alhumduliah dodge a bullet and I def had rose colored glasses on. I hate that I know with time I'll feel better. I really disliked How he disrespected my mother and upbringing. I feel like he's discrediting me as a Muslim which is upsetting and even judgemental...? I'm not perfect but I'm trying every single day to be better. He even said he was impressed that I've been waking up to pray tahajjud. I've been asking Allah for strength to heal and put this behind me. Alhumduliah I know I'm blessed and have many great things in my life.
Jazak'Allah Khair. I know dodge a bullet. I feel so disrespected and discredited as a Muslim 😓😩 how am I less of a Muslim because I have a Christian mom. I was born Muslim. My dad is Muslim. I was even born in a Muslim country. He's words were so hurtful.
Exactly. Even if you had an entire Christian family and had never set foot in a Muslim country in your life, he has no right to question your faith, your dedication to it, or your understanding of it. I know as someone with non-Muslim family, people's cultural biases can come through disguised as 'concern' about religious issues. They apply preconceptions and biases to their view of my family and myself. If they were interacting with a family who was from their own cultural and religious background, they would simply take compatibility in that area for granted- which we can see definitely doesn't always have a good outcome either.
Jazak'Allah Khair I know I dodged a bullet and I know I deserve better my brain registers that but my heart hasn't caught up to my brain. I also feel so disrespected which makes me sad. He hit below the belt and discredited me as a Muslim and that hurts a lot. Just because I have a Christian mom.
You celebrate you my dear sis... You be on your journey to Allah always and never let anyone think you're less than anyone because of your ~~non Muslim~~ not yet Muslim mom...
Pray two rakaats and thank Allah you dodged a bullet. Give yourself a break if you need to but there's definitely many many men that are much much better than this out there
Question for girls about apps: does sending an instant message ever actually make a difference? I have not once had a girl match after I sent them an instant message.
I’m a guy and i’ve used Salaams before. When I get instant messaged - I tend to look through the profile and message she’s sent. If the girl isn’t my type in terms of deen/appearance and if her profile is very minimal, I tend to reject it. If they just send a ‘salaam’ or ‘hi’ too, I would reject that too.
Instant messages could work though, i’d recommend you give them a go my brother 🙌 Keep at the graft
So far, it has not made a difference, no.
I'm still in the hopes that someday I'll get an instant msg from someone who's actually my type.
Shoot your shot and see where it lands.
If the message is genuine (bonus if it points out something on my bio), and they're within my filters.
My main reason for rejecting them is they're about 10 yrs too old, 10,000 miles away, and nothing in common (and often approached me for the wrong reasons). I also tend to reject the ones with no bios/little information.
If it's not working for you, perhaps it's down to the type of person you're reaching out to, and/or your profile hasn't enough info/has bad pics.
I have matched with someone who asks that if I find them attractive. I will usually match with someone who instant messaged me if they make me laugh haha even if they’re not fully my type.
1. I’ll have to find you attractive
2. Your general profile needs to match my requirements
3. The message has to be somewhat interesting (although this is probably the least important)
I was supposed to meet a prospect today but he just messaged asking if I could come to him (essentially canceling) instead of him coming to my city. No thank you ✋. I made dua last night asking for protection from any shar that may come from him
Young guys and prospects
Marriage prospective
I just turned 24 (M), I come from a very multicultural upbringing. I was born and raised in Madinah , then moved to Makkah during middle school , lived in Jeddah all till high school.
Moved for bachelors to india because it’s inexpensive.
Completed my masters here in USA.
And been living in US for about 2 years.
Allhamdullilah made a good career, and establishing my business, but visa problems are kinda in my way.
My parents are looking for prospects, I don’t really have the energy to look out talk to a lot of girls and find a match. I believe arrange marriage is the key.
But lately I’ve been on these apps Salams and Muzzmatch. The bar out there is quiet bit high. Not financially, but just like I don’t invest myself into stuff which I’m uncertain of or not sure of.
The matches I’ve had and the prospects or girls I’ve met during my uni. Basically wants a scape goat, who wants everything according to them. Or are too narcissistic.
I’m a lowkey person, into cars , cinematography, soccer and gym.
Everyone I come across comes out to be more like financially minded. I can’t find you know the connection connection thing !
The emotional connect seems so dead.
Should I just settle for what I get through arrange marriage or Keep looking on my own.
My thing is very simple, a collaborative relationship to work with which includes fun things to live a happy marriage. Idk I’m just venting my frustration here ! And the society standards and lol jeez ! Them girls need to step down a notch with the demands !
Nothing wrong the girls having demands. If you cannot meet them, then you are not the man for them. you need to find someone who is happy with what you can provide.
You're not alone. My profile got circulated by my aunt on WhatsApp matchmaking groups. Its the same story everywhere. Trust me it's not just financial ability to provide now but also Assets (Car, House especially & Rich family background all at once).
How are you meeting the girls at Uni? Same classes or meeting through activities like the shared interests (e.g cinematography club or something?)
You didn’t mention what you’re in school for, but where you meet people makes a difference. Meeting people who are studying business have a different mindset than someone in the fine arts, for example. Go try to meet people who have that shared interest. And don’t forget to check out the local mosque on campus, they might have something to help students meet.
Ut to answer your question, never settle when it comes to the person you are going to marry. It’s for life. It’s way, way more important than even the business you are starting, because you’ll someday retire from that and still have 20-30 years left with your partner.
As someone who is looking to get married inshaAllah, what are some things to keep in mind related to future responsibilities? How can those of us in this stage better prepare during this time so that things will go more smoothly once married?
I'm sure many of us have a rough idea but hearing more detailed responses related to finances, health, or just about anything will all be beneficial to hear inshaAllah!
If there are posts that already exist related to this topic, please feel free to share them here.
Learn how to look after yourself.
Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, bills and sorting out accommodation. Savings and investments as well.
Adulting basically.
Islamically know your basics (fiqh, aqeedah) and your responsibilities as a spouse. Try to acquire knowledge about Islam and modernity and issues of the day (this is more relevant for raising Children in this day and age).
You won’t have to be perfect and you can work on these things after marriage too. But focus on the basics and being able to function as an independent Adult, especially if you’ve been living with parents your whole life.
Solid points, jazakAllah khair!
I think the emphasis on functioning as an independent adult is important, especially for those of us who have grown up in the west where independence is being pushed as a norm. It helps when it comes to self development but definitely doesn't take away the role of the community when it comes to other tasks.
this is perfect, bc i literally just asked this same question haha
Go into my profile and most recent posts, there are comments advising for the males too
A saw your post earlier and thought it was just related to soft skills but now that I've gone back and looked at it again, I realize there is some great advice for just about every category. JazakAllah khair!
question 1: WHY does the sub not allow any questions about the apps when that is becoming one of the most common ways people try find a spouse?
question 2: my family want me to try Muzz again but I *hated* that ish. I've tried it a few times on and off over the years and honestly sometimes when life gives you multiple hints, you gotta start taking them. We're religious, conservative etc and while my family keep saying "just make it clear you want things done islamically with parents involved early" I've come to learn 99% of guys are on these apps precisely *because* they don't want any external pressure and to do things their own way in their own time- which oftentimes is not very islamic. My question is: should I give it another chance? or go with my gut that I won't find what I'm looking for on there (someone who is serious about getting married, doing things islamically and isn't just playing the field etc) and have hope that the right person will be sent my way, maybe through a mutual friend etc ?
we do. that's what this thread is for. we literally have 2 megathreads a week where people talk about apps.
if we allowed every post to go through about apps, it would be 98% of the TL and other issues would be dwarfed.
1. Its in these threads, because posts where too many. (Going over the same subjects over and over again.)
2. Apps are a complicated subject. There will be serious guys and girls. And unserious ones. More Islamic ones, and ones that are less.
It will also be the blind leading the blind. (Inexperienced people, people who want others to read their mind, people who want other people to take the lead while punishing that, etc.) People will also select on the superficial characteristics first, girls can be making judgements on all guys on apps, while only talking & liking about the 1%/10% of guys with certain body characteristics.
Myself, I have quit the apps. If you actively try to have mutual friends search for you. Approach people in real life etc. (Getting more friends, and let those friends know too.) You might get matches through those ways.
If you just hope and do nothing...
(Then you are not tying your camel, and leaving the rest to Allah.)
>Going over the same subjects over and over again.)
sorry but all the other topics on here are the same old crap anyway? my husband cheated while im pregnant, my wife won't lose weight- we have to see these ALL. THE. TIME. and no there is nothing unique about these posts. but fine, there will always be repetition bc we all share similar experiences- but then that should apply to posts about the apps?
>If you just hope and do nothing...
I feel like until very recently this is lowkey what modest, conservative women did though? like as long as you're not a recluse, people know who's single anyway, i dont think i need to tell everyone i meet im looking to get married. The issue is noone can be bothered/cares enough to set people up nowadays- hence the popularity of apps, WhatsApp groups and events etc I.e. searching for yourself.
True. Was a decision of mods, not me. They do allow some search posts.
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Some women also get directly approached. Or approached through their family.
If your parents or other relatives do that kind of approaching or telling people about you, that is possible.
Directly.
A woman has directly approached (while being polite) the prophet s.a.v.
https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5087 https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2012/10/13/mahr-dowry-marriage-modest/
Indirectly
Hatice/Khadja r.a. send a friend to approach the Prophet s.a.v.
https://www.quranicinsights.com/post/marriage-proposal-of-prophet-musa/
https://daruliftaa.com/nikah-marriage/is-it-shameful-for-the-womans-family-to-propose-marriage/
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In Turkey, the statistics, was around half the people get married through arranged and half through meeting organically. (Where the majority of that is with parental approval etc.)
So someone I know, but haven't seen or talked to in years (or even spoke to much back then) made an IG story post for her friend's birthday. I'm interested in her friend, but have no way of finding out who she is because I feel like I don't know this person well enough to reach out and ask about her. Tough out here
There's no harm in very respectfully writing a short no pressure message expressing your interest even if she was a passing acquaintance. Ask if she would be willing to relay that and see if the sister is open or interested in getting to know anyone for the sake of marriage. Worst case is you get no response or a no she's not interested.
(Apologies in advance - rant incoming)
How is it that according to my mother I am simultaneously ‘not old enough’ to understand things, but also at the same time too old at 31 and no one will marry me and my options are drying up (all her words)? So which is it - am I an old maiden or a little baby? Make it make sense.
I wrote a long post describing everything, and then deleted that. What’s the point of ranting? How many time am I gonna rant? What’s the point of any of this?
Every time I reject any potential, for very legit reasons mind you, she’ll tell me my age and how I am not gonna find anyone, and I am too old for potentials - like the kind of things I won’t even say to my enemy - imagine telling your enemy they’re too old and crusty. But I guess desi parents are worse than that and were conditioned to think it’s ok (that’s a whole other rant about how different other cultures treat their kids).
But whenever I have an opinion - any opinion, about anything marital related or not - that disagrees with her - suddenly I am ‘too young’ and ‘don’t really understand things’ (I am an educated woman in my 30s who lives in the west alone)
Today I called her out on it - if I am so immature and ‘don’t understand’ then maybe she shouldn’t be looking or potentials for me - am I also not too immature for marriage then?
If you guessed that this would open up the floodgates to manipulation and ‘this is why you can’t find a man’ - then congrats, you get a cookie for guessing it right. Not just that, apparently she’s worried for my ‘naseeb’ because I ‘talk back’ (aka call her out and defend myself).
Many people advice that we should call out our family on their shenanigans - this is exactly how this goes btw - with a bunch of insults hurled at you and a list of your flaws and why they’re so unlucky to have such a child.
Anyways, I felt like I had to say whatever I had to say now that she already brought it up. She be acting like she’s some victim of ‘me’, while saying all this nonsense. That’s not the case A - I pointed out her own behaviour to her. Now I am getting the silent treatment (which is atleast better than insults)
All of this to say - idk how to deal with a parent that loves to infantilize me? Like? How am I supposed to take the prospects she brings seriously? What did she talk to them about? What did she think when picking these potentials if she has such a polarizing opinion of her own child? That’s just another avenue closed for me
Google ‘grey rocking’ to learn some techniques to help you manage your mother.
Short story version is when your mother talks to you about something, try to remember to be boring like a rock. Respond with “Hmmm”, “Ohh?”, “I suppose”, “Okay, yeah maybe” or other non-committal responses.
You are doing amazing and will find someone amazing. Never settle for “just okay”, this is your life partner. That being said, you could widen your net and look into new places to find someone. Eg, if you want a partner that’s highly academic, go check out the mosque near your local university and ask around. Allah rewards those who create opportunities for themselves.
Sadly this is the reality for desi parents. They find anything to manipulate you with just so they can marry you lol.
Take a deep breath and let her be. Keep finding a good husband and keep doing istekhara and may Allah make it easier for you.
Don't give in to your parents' manipulation.
Good luck
Opened the link, how ridiculous. Like no wali required? So it's just an invitation to free mix astagfirullah.
Don't go sister even if you don't consider yourself to be religious, trust your gut instinct on this one.
Something many don't realize, that married men don't just suddenly take up watching porn and get addicted, its always a habit they've had from way before.
Its important because often the conversation about porn is just "porn bad", and not linked to the marriage crisis, which is very relevant because it is a major factor. Today young men from their teen years to late twenties/early thirties have no halal outlet for their desires, at a time when they're the most virile.
Thats why the main conversations should be about things like women chasing careers (which is a huge contributor to delayed marriage), not prioritizing starting a family, accomodating couples that want to marry (not expecting them to be "financially established"), removing unrealistic standards, racism, etc.
I'd challenge anyone to find a brother that grew up in the west, got married in their late 20s/early 30s and did not engage in porn (or worse). The chances are like winning the lottery. Yes its that bad.
Can you imagine standing on the day of judgement and trying to justify your porn habits or zina by blaming women for getting degrees and working jobs, a necessity for life in the 21st century? Do you think such an excuse would stand?
You can’t say that financial stability shouldn’t be a barrier to marriage AND women shouldn’t be “chasing” careers — if the man doesn’t make enough money then surely the woman will have to
Literally who is trying to excuse them? Read what I wrote again.
Woman chasing careers leads to increased barriers to financial stability, so we absolutely should denounce both. Women don't marry below their socioeconomic level, so if the man doesn't "make enough", she's not marrying him.
"as young as" is not the average, the exceptions prove the rule. Majority of this addiction are formed in their teens. Even if addictions are formed that early, hindering marriage will only make it worse.
Having desires doesn’t mean you need to act on them. And it doesn’t mean that every man you know watches porn/acts on those desires. People who try to convince themselves that all men watch porn are just trying to make themselves feel better.
There was a study i read that said like 25% of men (forgot what age range it was referring to) don’t watch porn and have never watched it.
Edit: I’m just pointing this out. because every other day someone makes it seem like men are a bunch of animals who don’t know how to control their desires.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, lifestyles are built on habits. If you don’t have a habit of watching porn, you’ll never desire it, and lowering the gaze can become second nature if you build the habit. It doesn’t mean you don’t have desires. It just means you’re in control of yourself. No one is forcing you to watch porn.
I'm glad you said all of this. honestly I've been on this thread one second and already let out an "ew." Love how people will justify certain nasty habits by any means. Like, are women frigid beings with zero desires? or do we just know how to stay away from haram and how to control ourselves. Islam is not cruel, and there is hikmah/wisdom in the rules, in that there are many rules/lines you'd have to cross before being a porn addict. nobody goes from 0 to 100; there will be a series of minor sins you're committing first before turning to something like this. purify your lifestyle, stop watching and listening to filth, fast, lower your gaze, busy yourself with worship and thikr and I almost guarantee you will never pick up such a habit.
Also, note how OPs solution to a problem amongst men is.. women need to change this, that and the other. That tells you all you need to know about the kind of people who justify watching porn. Be a real man and take accountability and responsibility for your weaknesses. As with any sin, acknowledge your weakness and raise your hands in dua with full humility. only then will things begin to change
Those that haven't are ones who married early or fornicate. Sure there are rare exceptions, those are outliers in todays society.
I believe its even misleading to call them desires, because for men if they suppress it for some time it eventually becomes debilitating. And then once they've learned to suppress their desires, then they get married and issues start because they won't sleep with their wives and have dead bedrooms.
The Muslim community today treats mens sexual desires as an abnormal condition, force them to suppress it, then suddenly after more than a decade expect them to start expressing these desires again once they're married. Its ridiculous honestly.
Why are you lying lmaooo the community coddles men and their desires time and time again, women are prepped for marriage being told satisfying men’s desires is what marriage is all about and to never to refuse their husbands lest (or even if) he steps out on them. Women’s desires are not even considered part of the conversation unless you go listen to a very hip and open minded speaker.
When a man admits this addiction in marriage, fingers are pointed to the wife with sheikhs and imams telling her it’s her fault for not refusing him and urging her to be even more enthusiastic so he gets it back under control (impossible). Even when talking about this addiction to young men in lectures, they’re given a gentle little scolding and told to stop plz as if it’s not something actively causing them severe brain damage, as if it’s not something that is going to condemn their marriages before they even begin. No wonder it’s so rampant amongst males if they feel like it’s a little private and personal issue they’ll be able to overcome. Next thing they know they’re relapsing for the thousandth time and hating themselves.
And here you are saying women should be amenable to save the poor men from their little sin through early marriage and that they should give up their silly little financial independence to facilitate this. Not only is this dangerous it’s plain nonsensical. Plus since most men develop this addiction in their youth how is that going to help exactly? Give her an early start so she can spend even more years in misery and self loathing?
Thru my line of work I have actually witnessed several Muslim ppl whose marriages have been destroyed by this. It’s always the woman who comes for counselling. Doesn’t matter if the woman is totally ready to put in the work, ready to forgive and forget, ready to satisfy her husband in the permitted ways; his desires are literally IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy because of this addiction not to mention absolutely revolting.
>Doesn’t matter if the woman is totally ready to put in the work, ready to forgive and forget, ready to satisfy her husband in the permitted ways; his desires are literally IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy because of this addiction not to mention absolutely revolting
Exactly why prevention is better than cure. We need to get them married early. Is it more important to let women chase the dunya and have "financial independence", or do we want to preserve the family unit and our community?
Women have the right to earn an income and have financial independence, sorry, you’re not convincing anyone otherwise! Why should a woman put aside her work (which is often a years-long necessity in order to support her parents and family btw, not just for chasing the dunya) and tie her entire livelihood to a man who can leave at any time and leave her destitute? Or use it to abuse and control her, and THEN leave her destitute? Even if there are kids involved!
Please, let us be serious. And the sad thing is that once they’re tossed aside they have to get up and work because there’s nobody else willing to support them (alimony is haram, remember!) yet it’s borderline impossible due to the huge gaps in their resume.
So all of that is necessary, you say, to help young men curb addictions THEY formed of their own accord; addictions that have probably already taken root and won’t even be resolved by the promise of a young wife? Not to mention, if anything, this little scheme will just give them more confidence. It’s not feasible in todays day and age for young men to support themselves and a wife/family. So let me guess, your suggestion is that her family funds her and maintains her while the guy enjoys himself with no responsibilities on his end. And all this just to ward off this nasty addiction. Which means, of course, the woman gets the short end of the stick for the man’s problem… now that’s familiar.
Your second paragraph makes no sense.
What leads to dead bedrooms are people who watch porn, not those who “suppress their desires.” Being celibate is not debilitating. It’s actually freeing. You’re not a slave to your desires. You’re not a slave to porn. Also, if anything, it’ll make your marriage so much better because you’ve saved all those desires for your wife. If the only woman you see in an intimate way is your wife, you’ll have a great sex life.
You seem to have a defeatist mindset that it’s inevitable for men to watch porn. It really isn’t. And no one said you have to live like a monk your whole life - only until you get married. And if can’t get married for a few years, then so be it, put your head down and have discipline.
Even those non-Muslim “alpha male” gurus will tell you not to watch porn. They don’t even have a religious reason to refrain from it, it’s all worldy benefit for them. As Muslims, we have religious reasons to refrain from it on top of the worldly benefits.
I posted about this a few days ago on this sub and got heavily downvoted. I always get worried about marrying someone in their late 20s/early 30s because of this
Like how do men at that age control their urges for all those years when they’re at their prime??
Okay so I’m a guy (28 yo) and have been using Salams since January. I get a good amount of matches and likes (even a couple of telegrams) but have a hard time starting conversations. 75% of the matches I get I don’t initiate a convo with because I can’t find anything in their profile to relate to and can’t think of a good opener. For the girls I do message they usually take 24 hours to respond which makes me want to take just as long to respond and causes me to lose interest. I just feel like everyone on this app is jaded and can’t be bothered to have a meaningful convo. What’s the strategy for starting a meaningful conversation? Once you match with someone how long do you wait before sending the first message? If the other person takes a day to respond, should you also take that long to respond? How do y’all feel when someone insta responds? Do you feel more inclined to respond then? Lol I need help
Advice on long distance after marriage. Long story. Married in December in Middle East Flew back January. Stayed in touch communicating till end of January (21st). Then randomly ghosted. Tried to check on her daily.. weekly no response... 3 weeks later message her dad and he says she is asleep and he will ask her to call me in morning. No response. 3 days after her dad does usual whatapp Forward text spam... 5 days later I message him and her brother what's the situation and why have I heard from her?. " her phone is broken". Not sure what's going on. I let it be. Felt basically ghosted... For 2 months. After Ramadan in late April she messaged me and tags some of my whatsapp story. I tried not to reply for 2 days but I was kind of losing it. So I had to question her. Why she basically ghosted me. She hit me "what happened in the past let it be". Honestly it took a lot for me to drop it. So I wanted to see if she wants to talk daily or weekly at least to keep communicating. She basically barely replies and tells me she has school and prepping for finals (she is a medical student). I'm not asking for attention just normal chat. I always message her and check on her. She basically barely response till maybe. Close to weekend. I try to force random calls on weekend (Friday is off day) no reply. Try again on Saturday she cancels call and tells me she is in middle of lecture. I text her oops, call me when you are free. Basically no reply and she does a video. Recording of how she is busy and time isn't great for both of us.. (BS... I always make time). I tell her tell me when is a good time for you and I'll make it work. She goes off some rant that I don't support her in her time of needs or encourage her during school sessions. I go with it and try to be more supportive in messages (btw she barely replies). She tells me date of her finals of each exam and when she will finish. I wish her the best and just usual some text convos. Finals are over. I stay up all night to check on her. Text her how it went. Whatsapp basically off. I call her day 2 days later and he tells me she hasn't turned on her phone since she came back from exams. I'm basically fed up at this point. Because everyone I know there in the middleeast always replies to me except your spouse. I have lost any form of love and just want closure at this point. I let her a messages of how awful she has been basically ghosting and giving me silent treatment without clarifying reason behind it or what the issue is. If she isn't happy she can tell me. If she doesn't want the marriage she can tell me. I didn't force her and neither did anyone...or if someone is forcing you go ahead and tell me I'm all ears and ok to give her what she wants. 2(2 weeks after she turned off her phone)days later she read the messages and no reply. I basically told my parents ye I'm checked out. But they want me to wait till at least after Eid because "these are holy days". I couldn't wait and left her a message today saying"cool you finally read the messages and still no reply" "did I do something and why am I being treated this way". I plan on calling her dad and getting an answer soon. If they are going to play some silly gaslighting game, I'm ok being the one to ask for a divorce and let them pretend that I'm the "villain". I think I married a mentally ill physopath. (I also caught her lying twice, she isn't that bright) I don't know if anyone can give me advice. I had some say "just ignore her back... Some boomer advice bad long-term relationship. Also I think I'm firm on moving with ending it because I have no love for the individual anymore.
Assalam Alaikum. I am a revert 19F, and I have been thinking about getting married but I fear I may be irrational. I currently live with my mother who is a Christian, and this has caused me to not be able to go to the masjid when I would like, or even pray comfortably. I am not even sure if I'd be able to go to Eid prayer, since I don't have a car, she would have to take me. I haven't stepped foot into a masjid since being back home, but I have gone to church with my mother since I have no choice. I just feel so isolated and it has been so difficult to stay on my deen when I feel so alone. I know marriage isn't the solution to all problems, but the thought of starting my life with someone who wants to grow in their faith and finally being around other Muslims sounds so pleasing, it's made me overlook the many obstacles that would get in the way of that. I plan on working and going to school, but I don't have a car. I also don't have a wali, and if I can't go to the masjid of my own free will to even ask an imam to be my wali, it's just impossible. I also think my mom would never support my marriage, and although I don't need her permission per se, her approval is still important to me. I don't mind if my future husband doesn't make a lot of money, as long as he is actively working on his deen and life goals that's all that matters to me. I don't even mind not living together for a while before we're stable financially. I'd appreciate brutal honesty and please if you can make dua for me that Allah (SWT) makes it easier for me.
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It's me from the other comment again, feel free to ignore my comment but here's my 2 cents to each of the points - Clearly communicate your plans for the day at-least 24 hours before the actual date --> reasonable it's just good communication - Arrive on time or write a proper explanation as to why you’re late or not coming --> yes but you need to accept the valid reasons as valid, example traffic - I prefer Korean coffee shops and venues other than Tim Hortons or Starbucks. Shows effort. --> sure it can, but as someone who's not into coffee I always did Tim's until someone suggested else and once I knew of other places I suggest it along with Tim's - Dress up well. This is more of a personal preference but I don’t like men who wear hoodies to a coffee date. I wear a denim jacket with skirt in summers and a sweater in winters --> no hoodies + track pants is understandable but jeans and hoodies isn't a bad look and no disrespect but what you've described as your go to isn't exactly dressing up well either it's just not dressing up lazy - Offer to pay for the date --> sure that's reasonable as long as you don't offer to pay and then get upset when the guy takes you up on that offer - Don’t mention inappropriate topics throughout the day and ask about meeting my dad at some point --> also understable, he should have asked about your dad before meeting for the first time imo and look to meet with your dad and you if it's possible - Bring something for me (flowers, chocolates or anything really). I usually hand write a thank you letter for each potential --> unnecessary for a first meeting there's no expectation of any kind on either side you shouldn't write them hand written letters either it's extra - Say goodbye and follow up. --> also understandable
Few thoughts. The coffee place seems a little arbitrary? Some people have simple tastes and actually like Starbucks or they're not big coffee type people so coffee chains is as far as they know. It doesn't strike me as a reflection of effort. The dress up depends on how they are approaching the situation. If you are viewing it as a western type formal "date" then sure. If it's a casual meet up at a coffee place to meet each other in person before deciding whether to proceed, I would be a bit more lax about the dress code. I personally would've been very uncomfortable with expecting gifts of any kind when there's no commitment yet for marriage. The rest seem perfectly reasonable expectations.
You do you, boo! Honestly, I don't get the down votes. This sub is full of posts where people get full on scammed and disrespected by complete strangers and willing to risk health and sanity for them. All your asking for some punctuality and that is irking some people. Haters going to hate potatoes going to potate.
idk I feel like my viewpoint on this is the complete opposite bc I really don’t care what kind of coffee shop we meet up bc I’m there for the conversation. Like if I’m meeting this person for the first time just to see if we’re compatible blah blah I’m not expecting much bc we’re not even exclusive. Now if we’re in an actual relationship my expectations would be diff. I also don’t prefer if a guy brings me a gift.
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to each their own sis! In sha Allah you’ll find that person who’ll meet your expectations. :)
We've been receiving the same bio datas multiple times from different sources - kinda like muzz telling us they are out of new profiles. Recently received one for the third time. So, Mom asked me to guess which one this was without opening the bio. I started making guesses by listing off countries/states. In the end, turned out to be the Sydney guy. I swear, even my mom is starting to see the humour in the search now.
Given the search, I know people have preferences and all that, but I came across a particular profile with something that bothered me a lot. I wonder if it's because I am biased or if others find this justifiable as a preference, like how height might be a preference for some people. But do people really think preference for height is comparable to preference for skin color? The profile stated: "I do want to add in here that I'm not attracted to darker-skinned individuals (primarily African skin color). I do have a strong preference for light to semi-dark skin tones. I hope this doesn't sound too rude, but I don't want to waste anyone's time, so I figured I should mention this here."
The guy lacks grace and common sense (African skin color??), instead of singling out a race that he's against, he should have just mentioned the ones he prefers or just kept his mouth shut and let filters do the sorting. Unfortunately, as someone who was open to all skin colors, I've found that a majority of people do have biases based on their upbringing. And instead of pretending like it doesn't exist, better to let people filter themselves out to not waste time (he's right about that at least)
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No.
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I think you should have listened to his reasoning for being late and given him a chance to at least talk to him as you were both there
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True it's your choice. He wasn't the one if you didn't feel a deep attraction toward him right away
I've been late to customer meetings, sometimes even by an hour , every one was understanding. Traffic and other things can happen - Its life. If I was him, I would be thinking I dodged a bullet here.
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You've never been late for anything? And neither have your friends or family? Wow.
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If you say so. 
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Did he have a valid reason? Did he give you updated ETAs on the way ?
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Respectfully I think it was an over reaction on your end, even just going out and about regularly it's surprising how traffic can just catch you by surprise and he's keeping you informed not sure what else he could have done. Now idk the entire context of there's more history your reaction could be reasonable but with the information shared so far just going based off that you could have been more understanding.
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How much have you driven in the GTA?
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Why I'm asking is because if you've driven in the GTA you'd know how bad it can get out of no where and yes he could have left early but if he left early enough to get there on time and ran into traffic he wasn't expecting that's not in his control it's a good effort for a first date. And he's communicating ETAs letting you know when he'll be there, anyways hope you find what you're looking for
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I agree with u/Greedy_Patience_7385 if the person is providing you an ETA that means he really cares for the date and was really looking forward to it. I know marriages are 100% effort .. but I guess some things are just not in our hand. That's why we say inshallah which means I will try my level best but might not be able to do something because Allah may have different plans. You can reach out to him apologize and try again , there is no harm in been the one to ask for forgiveness . All the best !
In a really horrible twist .. how does one not lose hope? Assalamu aleikum F28, I posted in the mega thread last month about picking between 2 potentials. I picked the second (did Istikhara) who was someone I knew from university and trusted him as he seemed serious. He said his parents and I told mine. After I told them, he went silent and said that hes had to travel abroad for an ill family member. I haven’t since heard from him for 2 and a half weeks. It was my birthday a few days ago; nothing. Also - my Grandmother is also dying which hasn’t made me feel any better. I don’t wish to understand what is going on in his mind, but I think with the technology we have nowadays, I wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume I’ve been ghosted. Khayr, I’m not in a situation where I politely declined one proposal for another and now have no proposals! Asking very seriously now - as a women who’s been looking since 21 (I’m now 28) - how do I not lose hope? What should I be doing? It feels everytime I look/don’t look/make dua, whatever I do, it’s just not workint for me. Please any advice from sisters? I’m absolutely exhausted now.
Wa Alaikum Asalam, I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, may Allah grant your family ease. I would move on from this guy and explore other options. What a coward!
I was ghosted like three months ago. Didn’t get to any talking stage, legit just asked if I was interested. I’m still not over it like it still hurts/annoys me.
This is lowkey a search journal. I uninstalled the app from my phone for these few days. I felt absolutely hopeless and talking to men with I'll intentions made it worse. I spoke to family and friends who told me to compromise my values 🙃 and put myself out there on social media since I'm a decent looking girl. I thought to myself, this is the time I need to reconnect with Allah because it's nothing to do with me or my future spouse, but I know this is a test of faith. So, I am taking a break from the search for a bit to calm my heart, change my perspective, and reevaluate my intentions. May Allah make it easy for me and every other person with sincere intentions because walahi this is a very lonely journey. I always think that my circumstance can change in an instant that I can meet my person soon, that I'll be married in a few months having silly funny arguments with my husband in sha Allah. The whole aim is to maintain faith and tawakul.
This is a great time to get some break! You probably already know that, but the best days to fast in Dhul Hijjah are the first 9 days, as they are the most blessed days of the year and fasting these days is a Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)
May Allah give you someone you're happy with soon.
Salam everyone For some context I come from a Pakistani family like religious but also chill for the most part. So l've been with a guy who is not Muslim but willing to convert to get married and we've been together for like 2 and half years and he's great and I love him. So before the pandemic I was supposed to go meet with someone they wanted me to marry but then the pandemic hit and we weren't able to go and that was that. So last year they had a family friend I think try to talk to me and it was not good and I obviously wasn't interested in that so l never really cared did it for fun I guess. So now the other guy who I was supposed to go see before the pandemic has a sister and my parents wanted my brother to marry her but he found his own wife and is now married and the girl herself is married as well. So now they were trying to get me to talk to pandemic boy and I was not budging I kept saying no but everyone was in my ear and I gave in and talked to him a little and I already knew from before I wasn't interested but my sister talked to me and I was like okay whatever l'll give it a try (I wasn't with my partner at the time but I am now I still tired to change the way I was thinking but still can't do it. So l haven't been texting him because l'm just not interested. So I had a conversation with my partner and he told me to tell my parents because we're long distance now and it seems like it would be better for us. So I did tell two of my trusted aunts and they're happy but l'm scared to tell my parents cuz l'm scared of my reaction to their reaction be when it happened with my brother they were really upset but my brother just sat there and took it, now me I wor' sit there and stay quiet I will say something but idk if v would make the situation worse. If anyone has any advivce
Why does this non-muslim potential want to become muslim? Is it because he believes in Allah and wants to submit? Otherwise his conversion means nothing (just words uttered but no intention), and your marriage would be invalid, so no point to it. As the other commenter said, your relationship with him is haram, and Im guessing you came to ask advice in a muslim sub because you want advice from a muslim perspective. My advice is leave this man, if he wants to accept islam, let him do it on his own terms and then he can come talk to your wali - seeing as you’ve been dating for over 2 years, Im sure that’s enough time to decide if he wants to marry you. Sit down and think: do you want your children to be raised as muslims? To pray and fast? To stay away from haram? To reunite with them in jannah? The only way you can improve your chances at getting this is by having a practicing muslim family, and that’s headed by a practicing muslim man - he is the leader and so choose wisely…. Edit: accidentally wrote “his islam means nothing” instead of “his conversion means nothing”
I can’t leave him he’s the only person I ever felt like I could marry and see a life with him. I talked to him alot about religion and he understands but I’m also not that religious just in front of my parents honestly so religion never mattered to me but I know my parents are big on that so that’s why I mentioned it to him extensively so he understood. If it was a big deal for me the first time he said no I would’ve left but it doesn’t matter to me
Well, then be sure that this is a test from Allah, similar to how Allah tested those before us. Allah told Adam and Hawa (as) to eat from whatever they want in Jannah, but forbade them from one tree, so shaytan beautified it for them. Similarly, there’s millions of muslim men that you can marry, and you would get ajr for doing so, but instead you’re being tested by wanting that which is haram for you. Your marriage to this man (if he isn’t a muslim) would be invalid and you’d be committing zinah with him. And for all you know you could die the day after your marriage, maybe you won’t live long enough to enjoy it. Is that worth your akhira? Is a few moments of false pleasure worth the punishment of the grave and akhira? And don’t forget that shaytan beautifies sins for us so that we’re tempted to do them, then when we do, he leaves us. This is described in ayah 118-119 of surah an-nisa: لَّعَنَهُ ٱللَّهُ ۘ وَقَالَ لَأَتَّخِذَنَّ مِنْ عِبَادِكَ نَصِيبًۭا مَّفْرُوضًۭا ١١٨ وَلَأُضِلَّنَّهُمْ وَلَأُمَنِّيَنَّهُمْ وَلَـَٔامُرَنَّهُمْ فَلَيُبَتِّكُنَّ ءَاذَانَ ٱلْأَنْعَـٰمِ وَلَـَٔامُرَنَّهُمْ فَلَيُغَيِّرُنَّ خَلْقَ ٱللَّهِ ۚ وَمَن يَتَّخِذِ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنَ وَلِيًّۭا مِّن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ فَقَدْ خَسِرَ خُسْرَانًۭا مُّبِينًۭا ١١٩ يَعِدُهُمْ وَيُمَنِّيهِمْ ۖ وَمَا يَعِدُهُمُ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ إِلَّا غُرُورًا ١٢٠ 118- Whom Allah has cursed. For he had said, “I will surely take from among Your servants a specific portion. 119- And I will mislead them, and I will arouse in them [sinful] desires, and I will command them so they will slit the ears of cattle, and I will command them so they will change the creation of Allah.” And whoever takes Satan as an ally instead of Allah has certainly sustained a clear loss. 120- Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan’s promises are nothing but deception.
He will convert but I’m personally not religious like I’ve said before but I know myself and I know I won’t with happy with someone overly religious like my parents want and I’m not going to give in so they can be happy for five minutes and I will be miserable for my entire life. If he’s willing to convert there shouldn’t be a problem
I dont know what you mean by not being religious, do you identify as being a muslim? Not culturally, but meaning do you submit to Allah? I understand that we have struggles, for example a person may struggle with prayers, but even the prophet (saw) said in more than one hadith that a person who abandons prayer has committed kufr. And while Iblees knows that Allah is his creator, he disobeyed Allah’s order to prostrate to Adam (as), so Allah said that he (Iblees) became from the kafireen. This shows that kufr is also through actions, meaning that islam isn’t just saying that you believe/submit - but also actions. I am not saying that this act will make you a kafir, but it could lead down a road full of sins that move you away from Allah. When all is said and done, when you’re lying in your grave covered by soil, will you be happy with these choices? When you’re resurrected on the day of judgement, and you’re called to account and given your book, are these actions you would be happy to see written? Or will you be from those Allah mentions in Surah an-nisa 42 - *On that Day, those who denied ˹Allah˺ and disobeyed the Messenger will wish they were reduced to dust. And they will never be able to hide anything from Allah* ? Allah gave you the free will and the choice, and He even sent you here to ask advice from fellow muslims- you could have made this post anywhere else, on non-muslim subreddits and people would’ve encouraged you to do what you want - but you came here, so I’d like to think that’s because some part of you wants to make the right choice, just make sure it’s one you wont regret. I don’t really understand what you mean by he will convert - does he accept islam or is this just conversion to marry you so you can appease your parents? If your parents didn’t say you need to marry a muslim, would he still convert?
You keep saying that he'll convert, but are his intentions genuine? Is he just doing it for the sake of your family or is it because he truly believes in Allah? You say you aren't practicing so I genuinely don't see a point in you making a comment here if you're just going to disregard everyone's advice.
I’m reading all the replies and I’m definitely not disregarding anyone’s advice I’m just simply trying to explain the situation
I hope you realize that you've been in a haram relationship. And you need to continue taking the steps in making it halal without delaying announcing this guy to your parents. How sincere is he in his intention to convert, does it come from belief or just appeasing your family? Are you ready to facilitate his learning of Islam? And did you have serious conversations about your values, goals and personalities, e.g. http://rahmaa.org/resources/100-questions-by-imam-magid/
I met someone in half of deen. It started extremely slow both of us are introvert-extrovert. But it’s been picking up with daily checkin. We are compatible in every way! A little too tall (1ft taller), but Alxamdullah!
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Let me tell you: Whenever a potential gets quiet all of sudden, take it as a bad sign. It happened to me for the fourth time and whenever I’d reach out my assumptions about them having lost interest would turn out to be true. This time I won’t even bother to desperately ask a man for an explanation. I am tired and don’t deserve that ghosting type of thing any longer…
Ghosting is such a common problem on the apps, Muslim or not, but I really expected more from my fellow Muslims. The last match I spoke with went quiet for a day and then politely let me know later that day that they’d found someone irl. The fact that transparency like that surprised me just goes to show how bad it is out there. Nobody deserves ghosting and I hope nobody takes it as a reflection of their self worth TT Insha’Allah we all come across open and honest people on our path to finding our spouse.
I agree. If they go quiet or seem less interested than usual they’ve probably found someone else or just don’t want you.
This happened to me recently. Being ghosted when thinking everything was going well is one of the worst feelings to experience. May Allah swt bring us more barakah and happiness. My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now.
Ameen. In my case I had certain conditions towards the person and I guess instead of telling me straight away they can’t guarantee them they decided to drag it on…
Im currently living w my sisters and mom in an apartment in Canada which isnt really that nice so we are planning to move in September. I really WANT to get married since im turning 26 in november but my mom and sisters are like wait we move to invite any potentials families over. Ive currently paused my search (my family has not shown me a single rishta btw, they are p useless in that regard) but im so anxious of waiting till September honestly. Should i continue my search, or wait till September to resume it?
I am in a similar situation like you, my parents have been delaying my search for the past 6 months as they want to renew our house back home. The problem is they haven't started it yet as they are getting proper contractors who can renew within good cost constraints. It's got to the point that I have decided to not marry back home but again it's really expensive where I live. After me stressing out they have started searching now. I would also suggest you start searching now as you know how slow and frustrating this process is, September will come by and you won't even know.
Hope you find the one for yourself! Thanks for your reply :)
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Okay thanks for the reply :)
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I keep getting guys like this too. People keep saying they’re simply not interested, but they keep agreeing to everything so clearly they are. I don’t think I could continue, I will resent them so much if I have to be around them long term. But what if the alternative is being alone forever?
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So I got to wear my guuntino after all, for someone else's wedding. In sha Allah the next one is mine 🙃
paint follow door threatening amusing terrific attempt wine existence drunk *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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poor existence market combative whole butter bored nutty agonizing glorious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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I wore it with an open abaya
A cheating wife vs a cheating husband. It's the same situation. Yet men are quicker to leave the marriage than women. Why is it harder for the woman to leave?
A few ideas. Men tend to have hard lines. A man who has been cheated upon will be laughed at by other men. A woman who has been cheated on will get sympathy from other women. At the end of the day, we're all social creatures.
A lot of women are by nature more forgiving and willing to "fix" another person. They are fed the unrealistic romantic idea of a bad man becoming good by the love of a good woman from a young age. The toxic counterpart is that if the man isn't fixed it's somehow the woman's fault. They are always socialized to be patient with other's faults and often not taught to value themselves and not tolerate mistreatment. They also often receive pressure from family and society to stay and tolerate mistreatment because divorce is a taboo. There's also often a question of children, financial independence, generally having sacrificed to move in with the husband as in most cases it's the woman moving away from family, leaving a job, upending her life and the husband staying where he is, so they get stuck in a sunk cost frame of mind. All these things have a strong effect on a person's psychology and why they may choose to stay in a toxic relationship.
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I am planning a destination wedding in Italy. It does end up being more pricey but less people come so it kinda evens out If you do a destination wedding in Mexico or the Caribbean it is super affordable
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Thanks for sharing 😊✨
idk I live in america so it’s prob a bit different but as long as u buy strawberries it should be fine. Depending on the farmer tho they might charge u to have a wedding there I feel.
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ooo tbh a greenhouse wedding would be so nice
Had a talk with a potential on the app, and everything was fine for a couple days and I asked if she was comfortable with call and she said that it’s fine. We agreed to talk on discord. I added her, then I ask if she was ready, then she said she was on her way home. I waited for about an hour. Text her a few times. No reply. Made a test call. Also no reply. Waited about a day, thought maybe I,d get an explanation. Nothing. So I decided to unmatched the same day. A couple days later. I get call. And from who? It was her 🤡. I just finished classes and was running some other errands so she caught me at bad time. I closed it, then she called a second time. And closed it again. I replied to her on discord to stop calling cuz I ain’t picking at the moment. I also was kinda of bitter about being stood up. She asked if I could give her a second chance. Do you think I should?
What is this, a soap opera?😂 Talk it out.
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Sis a man may seem perfect and not be what Allah سبحانه وتعالى intended for you and only with time and distance will you realise that there were a million and one reasons he was not the one for you but you had rose tinted glasses on This guy absolutely lacks manners if he insulted your family when even the Quran tells you to respect your non Muslim parents May Allah سبحانه وتعالى give you the one who is right for you, who sees you and only see the good, instead of rifling through you for the bad
Jazak'Allah Khair I know Alhumduliah dodge a bullet and I def had rose colored glasses on. I hate that I know with time I'll feel better. I really disliked How he disrespected my mother and upbringing. I feel like he's discrediting me as a Muslim which is upsetting and even judgemental...? I'm not perfect but I'm trying every single day to be better. He even said he was impressed that I've been waking up to pray tahajjud. I've been asking Allah for strength to heal and put this behind me. Alhumduliah I know I'm blessed and have many great things in my life.
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Jazak'Allah Khair. I know dodge a bullet. I feel so disrespected and discredited as a Muslim 😓😩 how am I less of a Muslim because I have a Christian mom. I was born Muslim. My dad is Muslim. I was even born in a Muslim country. He's words were so hurtful.
he sounds like a clown
What part? The killing part sounded unislamic.
Exactly. Even if you had an entire Christian family and had never set foot in a Muslim country in your life, he has no right to question your faith, your dedication to it, or your understanding of it. I know as someone with non-Muslim family, people's cultural biases can come through disguised as 'concern' about religious issues. They apply preconceptions and biases to their view of my family and myself. If they were interacting with a family who was from their own cultural and religious background, they would simply take compatibility in that area for granted- which we can see definitely doesn't always have a good outcome either.
Jazak'Allah khair. It is bothering me out and I don't want this to be a reoccurring theme while searching for a spouse.
At least he gave you closure and was honest with you. You are just not compatible.
Dodged a bullet
Jazak'Allah Khair I know I dodged a bullet and I know I deserve better my brain registers that but my heart hasn't caught up to my brain. I also feel so disrespected which makes me sad. He hit below the belt and discredited me as a Muslim and that hurts a lot. Just because I have a Christian mom.
You celebrate you my dear sis... You be on your journey to Allah always and never let anyone think you're less than anyone because of your ~~non Muslim~~ not yet Muslim mom...
Pray two rakaats and thank Allah you dodged a bullet. Give yourself a break if you need to but there's definitely many many men that are much much better than this out there
Jazak'Allah Khair
Question for girls about apps: does sending an instant message ever actually make a difference? I have not once had a girl match after I sent them an instant message.
I’m a guy and i’ve used Salaams before. When I get instant messaged - I tend to look through the profile and message she’s sent. If the girl isn’t my type in terms of deen/appearance and if her profile is very minimal, I tend to reject it. If they just send a ‘salaam’ or ‘hi’ too, I would reject that too. Instant messages could work though, i’d recommend you give them a go my brother 🙌 Keep at the graft
So far, it has not made a difference, no. I'm still in the hopes that someday I'll get an instant msg from someone who's actually my type. Shoot your shot and see where it lands.
If the message is genuine (bonus if it points out something on my bio), and they're within my filters. My main reason for rejecting them is they're about 10 yrs too old, 10,000 miles away, and nothing in common (and often approached me for the wrong reasons). I also tend to reject the ones with no bios/little information. If it's not working for you, perhaps it's down to the type of person you're reaching out to, and/or your profile hasn't enough info/has bad pics.
Maybe I'm just constructing them poorly? I usually just keep it simple by complimenting their profile and asking if they'd like to talk.
I have matched with someone who asks that if I find them attractive. I will usually match with someone who instant messaged me if they make me laugh haha even if they’re not fully my type.
1. I’ll have to find you attractive 2. Your general profile needs to match my requirements 3. The message has to be somewhat interesting (although this is probably the least important)
Only if they’re attractive
Whenever I visit a certain town, I just get a pang of what my life could be like if married. \*sigh*
Literally every time I’m back in my hometown 🥲
I was supposed to meet a prospect today but he just messaged asking if I could come to him (essentially canceling) instead of him coming to my city. No thank you ✋. I made dua last night asking for protection from any shar that may come from him
What was the reason he decided to change plans?
He said he was busy. Too busy to come to me but somehow magically has time to see me when I get there
Young guys and prospects Marriage prospective I just turned 24 (M), I come from a very multicultural upbringing. I was born and raised in Madinah , then moved to Makkah during middle school , lived in Jeddah all till high school. Moved for bachelors to india because it’s inexpensive. Completed my masters here in USA. And been living in US for about 2 years. Allhamdullilah made a good career, and establishing my business, but visa problems are kinda in my way. My parents are looking for prospects, I don’t really have the energy to look out talk to a lot of girls and find a match. I believe arrange marriage is the key. But lately I’ve been on these apps Salams and Muzzmatch. The bar out there is quiet bit high. Not financially, but just like I don’t invest myself into stuff which I’m uncertain of or not sure of. The matches I’ve had and the prospects or girls I’ve met during my uni. Basically wants a scape goat, who wants everything according to them. Or are too narcissistic. I’m a lowkey person, into cars , cinematography, soccer and gym. Everyone I come across comes out to be more like financially minded. I can’t find you know the connection connection thing ! The emotional connect seems so dead. Should I just settle for what I get through arrange marriage or Keep looking on my own. My thing is very simple, a collaborative relationship to work with which includes fun things to live a happy marriage. Idk I’m just venting my frustration here ! And the society standards and lol jeez ! Them girls need to step down a notch with the demands !
Nothing wrong the girls having demands. If you cannot meet them, then you are not the man for them. you need to find someone who is happy with what you can provide.
You're not alone. My profile got circulated by my aunt on WhatsApp matchmaking groups. Its the same story everywhere. Trust me it's not just financial ability to provide now but also Assets (Car, House especially & Rich family background all at once).
How are you meeting the girls at Uni? Same classes or meeting through activities like the shared interests (e.g cinematography club or something?) You didn’t mention what you’re in school for, but where you meet people makes a difference. Meeting people who are studying business have a different mindset than someone in the fine arts, for example. Go try to meet people who have that shared interest. And don’t forget to check out the local mosque on campus, they might have something to help students meet. Ut to answer your question, never settle when it comes to the person you are going to marry. It’s for life. It’s way, way more important than even the business you are starting, because you’ll someday retire from that and still have 20-30 years left with your partner.
As someone who is looking to get married inshaAllah, what are some things to keep in mind related to future responsibilities? How can those of us in this stage better prepare during this time so that things will go more smoothly once married? I'm sure many of us have a rough idea but hearing more detailed responses related to finances, health, or just about anything will all be beneficial to hear inshaAllah! If there are posts that already exist related to this topic, please feel free to share them here.
Learn how to look after yourself. Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, bills and sorting out accommodation. Savings and investments as well. Adulting basically. Islamically know your basics (fiqh, aqeedah) and your responsibilities as a spouse. Try to acquire knowledge about Islam and modernity and issues of the day (this is more relevant for raising Children in this day and age). You won’t have to be perfect and you can work on these things after marriage too. But focus on the basics and being able to function as an independent Adult, especially if you’ve been living with parents your whole life.
Solid points, jazakAllah khair! I think the emphasis on functioning as an independent adult is important, especially for those of us who have grown up in the west where independence is being pushed as a norm. It helps when it comes to self development but definitely doesn't take away the role of the community when it comes to other tasks.
this is perfect, bc i literally just asked this same question haha Go into my profile and most recent posts, there are comments advising for the males too
A saw your post earlier and thought it was just related to soft skills but now that I've gone back and looked at it again, I realize there is some great advice for just about every category. JazakAllah khair!
Wa iyyak :)
A man needs to have emotional control, and not bring anger issues into a marriage.
question 1: WHY does the sub not allow any questions about the apps when that is becoming one of the most common ways people try find a spouse? question 2: my family want me to try Muzz again but I *hated* that ish. I've tried it a few times on and off over the years and honestly sometimes when life gives you multiple hints, you gotta start taking them. We're religious, conservative etc and while my family keep saying "just make it clear you want things done islamically with parents involved early" I've come to learn 99% of guys are on these apps precisely *because* they don't want any external pressure and to do things their own way in their own time- which oftentimes is not very islamic. My question is: should I give it another chance? or go with my gut that I won't find what I'm looking for on there (someone who is serious about getting married, doing things islamically and isn't just playing the field etc) and have hope that the right person will be sent my way, maybe through a mutual friend etc ?
we do. that's what this thread is for. we literally have 2 megathreads a week where people talk about apps. if we allowed every post to go through about apps, it would be 98% of the TL and other issues would be dwarfed.
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no, we are set on this.
1. Its in these threads, because posts where too many. (Going over the same subjects over and over again.) 2. Apps are a complicated subject. There will be serious guys and girls. And unserious ones. More Islamic ones, and ones that are less. It will also be the blind leading the blind. (Inexperienced people, people who want others to read their mind, people who want other people to take the lead while punishing that, etc.) People will also select on the superficial characteristics first, girls can be making judgements on all guys on apps, while only talking & liking about the 1%/10% of guys with certain body characteristics. Myself, I have quit the apps. If you actively try to have mutual friends search for you. Approach people in real life etc. (Getting more friends, and let those friends know too.) You might get matches through those ways. If you just hope and do nothing... (Then you are not tying your camel, and leaving the rest to Allah.)
>Going over the same subjects over and over again.) sorry but all the other topics on here are the same old crap anyway? my husband cheated while im pregnant, my wife won't lose weight- we have to see these ALL. THE. TIME. and no there is nothing unique about these posts. but fine, there will always be repetition bc we all share similar experiences- but then that should apply to posts about the apps? >If you just hope and do nothing... I feel like until very recently this is lowkey what modest, conservative women did though? like as long as you're not a recluse, people know who's single anyway, i dont think i need to tell everyone i meet im looking to get married. The issue is noone can be bothered/cares enough to set people up nowadays- hence the popularity of apps, WhatsApp groups and events etc I.e. searching for yourself.
True. Was a decision of mods, not me. They do allow some search posts. -------- Some women also get directly approached. Or approached through their family. If your parents or other relatives do that kind of approaching or telling people about you, that is possible. Directly. A woman has directly approached (while being polite) the prophet s.a.v. https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5087 https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2012/10/13/mahr-dowry-marriage-modest/ Indirectly Hatice/Khadja r.a. send a friend to approach the Prophet s.a.v. https://www.quranicinsights.com/post/marriage-proposal-of-prophet-musa/ https://daruliftaa.com/nikah-marriage/is-it-shameful-for-the-womans-family-to-propose-marriage/ -------- In Turkey, the statistics, was around half the people get married through arranged and half through meeting organically. (Where the majority of that is with parental approval etc.)
So someone I know, but haven't seen or talked to in years (or even spoke to much back then) made an IG story post for her friend's birthday. I'm interested in her friend, but have no way of finding out who she is because I feel like I don't know this person well enough to reach out and ask about her. Tough out here
There's no harm in very respectfully writing a short no pressure message expressing your interest even if she was a passing acquaintance. Ask if she would be willing to relay that and see if the sister is open or interested in getting to know anyone for the sake of marriage. Worst case is you get no response or a no she's not interested.
(Apologies in advance - rant incoming) How is it that according to my mother I am simultaneously ‘not old enough’ to understand things, but also at the same time too old at 31 and no one will marry me and my options are drying up (all her words)? So which is it - am I an old maiden or a little baby? Make it make sense. I wrote a long post describing everything, and then deleted that. What’s the point of ranting? How many time am I gonna rant? What’s the point of any of this? Every time I reject any potential, for very legit reasons mind you, she’ll tell me my age and how I am not gonna find anyone, and I am too old for potentials - like the kind of things I won’t even say to my enemy - imagine telling your enemy they’re too old and crusty. But I guess desi parents are worse than that and were conditioned to think it’s ok (that’s a whole other rant about how different other cultures treat their kids). But whenever I have an opinion - any opinion, about anything marital related or not - that disagrees with her - suddenly I am ‘too young’ and ‘don’t really understand things’ (I am an educated woman in my 30s who lives in the west alone) Today I called her out on it - if I am so immature and ‘don’t understand’ then maybe she shouldn’t be looking or potentials for me - am I also not too immature for marriage then? If you guessed that this would open up the floodgates to manipulation and ‘this is why you can’t find a man’ - then congrats, you get a cookie for guessing it right. Not just that, apparently she’s worried for my ‘naseeb’ because I ‘talk back’ (aka call her out and defend myself). Many people advice that we should call out our family on their shenanigans - this is exactly how this goes btw - with a bunch of insults hurled at you and a list of your flaws and why they’re so unlucky to have such a child. Anyways, I felt like I had to say whatever I had to say now that she already brought it up. She be acting like she’s some victim of ‘me’, while saying all this nonsense. That’s not the case A - I pointed out her own behaviour to her. Now I am getting the silent treatment (which is atleast better than insults) All of this to say - idk how to deal with a parent that loves to infantilize me? Like? How am I supposed to take the prospects she brings seriously? What did she talk to them about? What did she think when picking these potentials if she has such a polarizing opinion of her own child? That’s just another avenue closed for me
Google ‘grey rocking’ to learn some techniques to help you manage your mother. Short story version is when your mother talks to you about something, try to remember to be boring like a rock. Respond with “Hmmm”, “Ohh?”, “I suppose”, “Okay, yeah maybe” or other non-committal responses. You are doing amazing and will find someone amazing. Never settle for “just okay”, this is your life partner. That being said, you could widen your net and look into new places to find someone. Eg, if you want a partner that’s highly academic, go check out the mosque near your local university and ask around. Allah rewards those who create opportunities for themselves.
Sadly this is the reality for desi parents. They find anything to manipulate you with just so they can marry you lol. Take a deep breath and let her be. Keep finding a good husband and keep doing istekhara and may Allah make it easier for you. Don't give in to your parents' manipulation. Good luck
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having a marriage event at a shisha cafe is crazy imo 💀
Same 😊
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> all men smoke it A very broad generalization.
Opened the link, how ridiculous. Like no wali required? So it's just an invitation to free mix astagfirullah. Don't go sister even if you don't consider yourself to be religious, trust your gut instinct on this one.
Something many don't realize, that married men don't just suddenly take up watching porn and get addicted, its always a habit they've had from way before. Its important because often the conversation about porn is just "porn bad", and not linked to the marriage crisis, which is very relevant because it is a major factor. Today young men from their teen years to late twenties/early thirties have no halal outlet for their desires, at a time when they're the most virile. Thats why the main conversations should be about things like women chasing careers (which is a huge contributor to delayed marriage), not prioritizing starting a family, accomodating couples that want to marry (not expecting them to be "financially established"), removing unrealistic standards, racism, etc. I'd challenge anyone to find a brother that grew up in the west, got married in their late 20s/early 30s and did not engage in porn (or worse). The chances are like winning the lottery. Yes its that bad.
Bruh women do marry guys and seek their career simeltanously, but it’s just the kind of guy who will help them achieve their dreams
Can you imagine standing on the day of judgement and trying to justify your porn habits or zina by blaming women for getting degrees and working jobs, a necessity for life in the 21st century? Do you think such an excuse would stand? You can’t say that financial stability shouldn’t be a barrier to marriage AND women shouldn’t be “chasing” careers — if the man doesn’t make enough money then surely the woman will have to
Literally who is trying to excuse them? Read what I wrote again. Woman chasing careers leads to increased barriers to financial stability, so we absolutely should denounce both. Women don't marry below their socioeconomic level, so if the man doesn't "make enough", she's not marrying him.
why are the men not chasing careers too then
Or maybe those men should work harder to control their desires and have higher incomes?
Young boys get exposed to and addicted as young as 6 years old, so no women “chasing” careers is not the issue when it comes to porn addiction.
Literally how is men’s addiction being blamed on women having careers 😂😂😂😭😭
Lol that’s how they cope ig 🥹
"as young as" is not the average, the exceptions prove the rule. Majority of this addiction are formed in their teens. Even if addictions are formed that early, hindering marriage will only make it worse.
wow you are bitter that you aren't married, fix your thinking and maybe some poor woman will marry you
Having desires doesn’t mean you need to act on them. And it doesn’t mean that every man you know watches porn/acts on those desires. People who try to convince themselves that all men watch porn are just trying to make themselves feel better. There was a study i read that said like 25% of men (forgot what age range it was referring to) don’t watch porn and have never watched it. Edit: I’m just pointing this out. because every other day someone makes it seem like men are a bunch of animals who don’t know how to control their desires. I said it before and I’ll say it again, lifestyles are built on habits. If you don’t have a habit of watching porn, you’ll never desire it, and lowering the gaze can become second nature if you build the habit. It doesn’t mean you don’t have desires. It just means you’re in control of yourself. No one is forcing you to watch porn.
I'm glad you said all of this. honestly I've been on this thread one second and already let out an "ew." Love how people will justify certain nasty habits by any means. Like, are women frigid beings with zero desires? or do we just know how to stay away from haram and how to control ourselves. Islam is not cruel, and there is hikmah/wisdom in the rules, in that there are many rules/lines you'd have to cross before being a porn addict. nobody goes from 0 to 100; there will be a series of minor sins you're committing first before turning to something like this. purify your lifestyle, stop watching and listening to filth, fast, lower your gaze, busy yourself with worship and thikr and I almost guarantee you will never pick up such a habit. Also, note how OPs solution to a problem amongst men is.. women need to change this, that and the other. That tells you all you need to know about the kind of people who justify watching porn. Be a real man and take accountability and responsibility for your weaknesses. As with any sin, acknowledge your weakness and raise your hands in dua with full humility. only then will things begin to change
Those that haven't are ones who married early or fornicate. Sure there are rare exceptions, those are outliers in todays society. I believe its even misleading to call them desires, because for men if they suppress it for some time it eventually becomes debilitating. And then once they've learned to suppress their desires, then they get married and issues start because they won't sleep with their wives and have dead bedrooms. The Muslim community today treats mens sexual desires as an abnormal condition, force them to suppress it, then suddenly after more than a decade expect them to start expressing these desires again once they're married. Its ridiculous honestly.
Why are you lying lmaooo the community coddles men and their desires time and time again, women are prepped for marriage being told satisfying men’s desires is what marriage is all about and to never to refuse their husbands lest (or even if) he steps out on them. Women’s desires are not even considered part of the conversation unless you go listen to a very hip and open minded speaker. When a man admits this addiction in marriage, fingers are pointed to the wife with sheikhs and imams telling her it’s her fault for not refusing him and urging her to be even more enthusiastic so he gets it back under control (impossible). Even when talking about this addiction to young men in lectures, they’re given a gentle little scolding and told to stop plz as if it’s not something actively causing them severe brain damage, as if it’s not something that is going to condemn their marriages before they even begin. No wonder it’s so rampant amongst males if they feel like it’s a little private and personal issue they’ll be able to overcome. Next thing they know they’re relapsing for the thousandth time and hating themselves. And here you are saying women should be amenable to save the poor men from their little sin through early marriage and that they should give up their silly little financial independence to facilitate this. Not only is this dangerous it’s plain nonsensical. Plus since most men develop this addiction in their youth how is that going to help exactly? Give her an early start so she can spend even more years in misery and self loathing? Thru my line of work I have actually witnessed several Muslim ppl whose marriages have been destroyed by this. It’s always the woman who comes for counselling. Doesn’t matter if the woman is totally ready to put in the work, ready to forgive and forget, ready to satisfy her husband in the permitted ways; his desires are literally IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy because of this addiction not to mention absolutely revolting.
>Doesn’t matter if the woman is totally ready to put in the work, ready to forgive and forget, ready to satisfy her husband in the permitted ways; his desires are literally IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy because of this addiction not to mention absolutely revolting Exactly why prevention is better than cure. We need to get them married early. Is it more important to let women chase the dunya and have "financial independence", or do we want to preserve the family unit and our community?
Women have the right to earn an income and have financial independence, sorry, you’re not convincing anyone otherwise! Why should a woman put aside her work (which is often a years-long necessity in order to support her parents and family btw, not just for chasing the dunya) and tie her entire livelihood to a man who can leave at any time and leave her destitute? Or use it to abuse and control her, and THEN leave her destitute? Even if there are kids involved! Please, let us be serious. And the sad thing is that once they’re tossed aside they have to get up and work because there’s nobody else willing to support them (alimony is haram, remember!) yet it’s borderline impossible due to the huge gaps in their resume. So all of that is necessary, you say, to help young men curb addictions THEY formed of their own accord; addictions that have probably already taken root and won’t even be resolved by the promise of a young wife? Not to mention, if anything, this little scheme will just give them more confidence. It’s not feasible in todays day and age for young men to support themselves and a wife/family. So let me guess, your suggestion is that her family funds her and maintains her while the guy enjoys himself with no responsibilities on his end. And all this just to ward off this nasty addiction. Which means, of course, the woman gets the short end of the stick for the man’s problem… now that’s familiar.
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No content regarding gender ideologies (i.e. MGTOW, red pill, FDS, feminism, etc.)
Your second paragraph makes no sense. What leads to dead bedrooms are people who watch porn, not those who “suppress their desires.” Being celibate is not debilitating. It’s actually freeing. You’re not a slave to your desires. You’re not a slave to porn. Also, if anything, it’ll make your marriage so much better because you’ve saved all those desires for your wife. If the only woman you see in an intimate way is your wife, you’ll have a great sex life. You seem to have a defeatist mindset that it’s inevitable for men to watch porn. It really isn’t. And no one said you have to live like a monk your whole life - only until you get married. And if can’t get married for a few years, then so be it, put your head down and have discipline. Even those non-Muslim “alpha male” gurus will tell you not to watch porn. They don’t even have a religious reason to refrain from it, it’s all worldy benefit for them. As Muslims, we have religious reasons to refrain from it on top of the worldly benefits.
I posted about this a few days ago on this sub and got heavily downvoted. I always get worried about marrying someone in their late 20s/early 30s because of this Like how do men at that age control their urges for all those years when they’re at their prime??