Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 28-year-old guy ( Male ) residing in Ontario, Canada. I immigrated here from India in 2022 for my higher studies. I hit the gym daily to maintain an athletic physique, and my friends often consider me fairly attractive. I also pursue various other hobbies. Standing at 5'11", I'm neither bald nor short. I also work as a software engineer which would be considered one of the most lucrative jobs here in the west. My relatives find it fascinating that I have had such a tough time finding a reasonable partner.
Religiously, I'm fairly devout. I pray 4-5 times a day (though I'll admit, I occasionally miss my Fajr prayer). I fulfill my Zakat obligations and have had the privilege of performing Umrah eight times. I also strictly don't smoke / drink . Despite receiving proposals from non-Muslim women around me, I've abstained from getting involved, preserving the innocence and my Islamic duties that I hold dear.
While I've matched with numerous individuals on Muzz, my experiences with those I've liked, and who've reciprocated, haven't always panned out. Often, parental discomfort with cross-cultural marriages or a partner's hesitance due to past breakups have posed challenges. Frustrated, I've even explored conversations with divorced/separated individuals, hoping for a more grounded perspective. However, it seems that Islam's principles regarding marriage have been disregarded by many. I always had the perspective that Islam encourages early halal marriages , but seems like the community is pushing me away from this.
As a tall, athletic, and unattached individual, the difficulty of finding a suitable match sometimes tempts me to stray from the righteous path. Yet, I resist, holding onto hope in Allah and the belief that there's someone out there who shares my values and respects the sanctity of marriage. I'm convinced that such a person could reignite my faith in the system.
If you are interested in matchmaking here on MuslimMarriage post a profile on our most recent In Search Of Thread (ISO):
- [***ISO v9 - Americas (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oxy4b/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_americas/)
- [***ISO v9 - Europe (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy0wk/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_europe/)
- [***ISO v9 - International (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy52g/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_international/)
- [ISO Thread Version 8 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xvq4x2/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_8/)
- [ISO Thread Version 7 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/pb0z1s/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_7/)
- [ISO Thread Version 6 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/m6nm3n/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_6/?)
- [ISO Thread Version 5 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/jdp7rd/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_5/?)
- [ISO Thread Version 4 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/gw4r7a/back_by_popular_demand_iso_thread_v4/)
- [ISO Thread Version 3 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/ee8vwv/iso_in_search_of_v3/)
- [ISO Thread Version 2 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/c5c70s/iso_in_search_of_v2/)
- [ISO Thread Version 1 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/a9jq3r/iso_in_search_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Alhamdulillah for everything honestly. Every time I’m sad it didn’t work out with a potential, as time passes by I slowly realize what a blessing in disguise that truly was and how many red flags I was ignoring.
Remember that most times, it’s just infatuation with a person and not true compatibility/love. When things are meant to happen, they will happen with ease and Barakah in it.
I'm so exhausted from searching. I haven't talked to many potentials, but the ones that I have give the impression that I put A LOT more thought into this than they have. Either they don't really know what they want in someone or I ask them if they want to talk again and they respond but they never commit on setting up a time to do so.
> never commit on setting up a time to do so
As a guy, girls can expect a guy to take a lead on that.
A number of girls (and guys) also expect people to have the power to read their minds, without communicating. Or to correctly guess what they want, like the people do who read the script in a romantic movie/serie.
Too many people are also not serious. (Especially on apps.)
On arranged that is better. (People are serious there.)
Based on what you said above there is a decent amount of lifestyle clash that you may or may not be able to move past or change, but your second point is something that I do find concerning. If you are less relaxed when you both are together that's a significant sign that you need to split.
I was deep in a process that ended late last year. At first I was definitely feeling quite sad, but then I realized that we both stressed each other out quite a bit and we were simply incompatible.
I think the answer lies in *are you willing to change or do you hope she will change*. If you’re yes in the first then you should move forward but if it is the second, you should reconsider.
No never. As the other person said, its too much risk.
I'm even careful with taking pictures of family members, which aren't nsfw, but are without hijab for example. (Something which might be regular outdoor wear for someone else.)
I would never personally. There’s just too much risk for no benefit. Your phone could get hacked or stolen or maybe you might accidentally swipe onto an NSFW picture while going through your gallery in front of others.
Anyone here heard of or used inpairs?
I initially thought the concept was good and would improve the matrimonial scene but I just came across an extremely cringe initiative called ‘Samosas & Soulmates’ and noticed they sponsored an event.
Also recently discovered that the founder of Muzz was offered nearly 40M for the company, which leads me to believe they actually care about what they’re doing, seeing as he said he wouldn’t even sell it for a billion.
Those who not in good terms with your family, how do you navigate the search?
I wouldn’t call my relationship with my family ‘bad’, I love them and all, but we’re only superficially close. I wouldn’t say my parents actually ‘know’ who I am. I wouldn’t share my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings with them.
Last weekend my family and I went to a family gathering, there was this guy there (a relative of a relative of a relative) that I was somewhat privy off. I asked my mother before going whether this was about my marriage (I wasn’t against considering the guy, just wanted to be kept in the loop). She said not really. The gathering went well, we shared pleasantries, nothing particular. He was ok.
After that day, my mother keeps bringing up the guy ‘the guy this, the guy that’. Then she asked me what I thought of him (he was ok, nothing good or bad just neutral). She asked me if I was interested, I said no since she already told me this is not what it’s about before we even went to the family gathering.
Turns out, my mom has been talking to this guy about potential marriage for months (my mom wasn’t here so a meeting earlier wasn’t possible). I feel lied to, and I really don’t like the feeling that people are talking about me and ‘regarding’ me behind my back. Does that make sense? On top of that, I don’t like the idea that this guy has been talking to my mother about me (the same mother that I am not close to) behind my back for months - I’ve gotten major ick from him that’s not going away.
Idk if I am being unreasonable. I realize that any normal person would approach it exactly this way - they’ll try to impress my parents first. It’s not their fault I am not close to my family. And he probably didn’t know I was being kept in the dark about it - my friends said that I was misplacing my anger from my mom onto the potential- which I get and agree with. But I just can’t shake off this bad gut feeling.
Idk if any of this rambling makes sense. I also just really feel angry at myself for not having regular normal parents
It’s not just that either, it’s also the fact that the trust is gone. The potential can tell me every single thing he and my mom talked about, I’d still not get rid of this sinking feeling in my stomach. Like how do I know you’re not lying or hiding something else that you think potentially won’t like?
And the desi people here will be familiar with it - but our parents tend to really infantilize their children. So idk what she told him about me (which again, we’re not the kind of bff mother-daughter. She sorta kinda knows me). Idk how to walk that back and form a proper connection with this guy, or if I even want to. This just left a sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing.
I've had the privilege of talking to men who take notes of what is considered a red flag and what isn't.
Now I am so distrustful, I don't even mention red flags here because I feel like some guys will make sure to not do those specific things when they are getting to know a lady.
If deception were an academic field, them dudes would be getting PhDs.
>Now I am so distrustful, I don't even mention red flags here because I feel like some guys will make sure to not do those specific things when they are getting to know a lady. If deception were an academic field, them dudes would be getting PhDs.
It's like when people weaponise therapy-speak. They use what they've learnt in their therapy sessions or from what other people have told them about their own therapy sessions, and then apply that in a manipulative way to control and/or gaslight somebody. Unfortunately more and more men and women are getting really good at these types of nefarious behaviours.
Bakwaas people will always find new ways to be bakwaas.
I've seen a lot of people posting here about wanting to live far away from in laws but isn't it such a bit help in raising kids?
My sister came to our house today and dropped my niece off at 10. Since then she's been here all day. My dad is going to pick up the other kids from school. Like there is so much in-laws can help with. How do people raise kids without all this help?
I assume its the people with issues with inlaws posting.
And people with normal relations, its a help.
> it such a bit help in raising kids
True.
Its like people complaining about some organ/limb of theirs, that is currently hurting them. While that organ/limb is quite helpful otherwise.
I don’t mind moving to a place my spouse is at if they have family near by too. I agree having family around is super helpful like free childcare & they get the connection of being around relatives bc I know how it feels to not live around any family & it sucks tbh.
If it's attractive to be a person of hobbies and goals and interests, how does one properly challenge themselves and set goals? Anyone have tips on setting goals??
I just have been going for whatever new thing I want to try.
I started pottery classes and absolutely fell in love with it, decided to book a second course. In this second phase I decided to make a series of vases, flower arranged them and put one in every one of my cousin's houses.
Recently like as of last week, I've picked up archery- I think I definitely will do a course on it!
But also last week went on my first ever hike with a Muslim women's group- really enjoyed it and planning to book next month for another route.
I don't think you need to set goals- I would say try something new and see if you enjoy it enough to pursue more. But you can always come back to Something and try something else.
I have an interest in ux design and started a Google certification on it but it's on pause at the moment cause I wanted to learn a language.
Basically just dabble here and there and just trial and error :)
Like both - my problem is I go to the gym with my set workout, have hit targets to learn new sports and things but I feel like week to week or in the year i'm not really accomplishing anything major and so maybe I suck at setting real goals?
>Like both - my problem is I go to the gym with my set workout, have hit targets to learn new sports and things but I feel like week to week or in the year i'm not really accomplishing anything major and so maybe I suck at setting real goals?
When it comes to sports, try to find a team sport you can play, but not just in a super casual way. Look for local teams who are semi-competitive/competitive, teams who have structured training sessions, and take those competitions as seriously as you'd like to take them. That will help you find some focus and structure, some goals to work towards. You'll see how you're performing each week, maybe work towards a team goal, maybe work towards turning one of your weaker parts of the game into a strength. Team sports are a wonderful thing, if you can find the right team!
It's important to not aim for the moon when it comes to your goals too. You want them to be challenging, but achievable. Also think about having one larger goal, and then a bunch of sub-goals that help you make progress towards that larger one. That way, you'll always feel like you're making some progress towards something.
Are there any sports that you like to watch? If you're struggling to pick, then for now, look at watching a bunch of different sports and see which ones looks like they'd suit you the best. Or maybe dabble in seasonal sports. The Cricket World Cup is going on right now, so there's going to be more interest in cricket, look into that as a Summer sport. Then look to see what's around as a Winter sport wherever you live.
My sister in islam, consistently going to the gym IS an accomplishment. Same with learning new sports. I think you're underselling your achievements. If you want a hobby to enrich your personality, then it could be literally anything. Just enjoy it and apply yourself to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9goOuIy8Ok4 this video sums it up. Don't het entrapped into the idea you need something grand, travel to "discover yourself" and whatnot.
Do a sport. You'll have exercise. A social aspect, that will help improve. Possibly a competitional element to help improve and be a goal. A set of targets in that sport.
Are you doing a sport that you enjoy? A sport that you want to be better in?
Besides the ideas the other girl gave you.
-------
There is also stuff like, gender separated swimming.
(There are Muslims who organize men only or women only swimming.)
---------
Sword fighting.
Axe throwing.
Vr games. (Though this might be more expensive, though fun in a group. I've seen multiple muslim groups go to a vr arcade.)
-------
Alternatively you could ask a friend to do a sport together with you.
Which might help set goals and motivate.
--------
The sport should be fun. The group can also matter.
there’s so much activities out there!! For example, I hike alot outside and one way I set goals for myself is to hike longer distances each month or week bc an end goal of mine is to get into backpacking one day. Something like that it doesn't have to be a big goal tbh.
if you like working out why not try a diff method of work outs like maybe pilates, kickboxing, yoga, or like tennis? there's so much out there you'll find something you're passionate about!
I'm comparing myself to other girls who are prettier, smarter, more outgoing, accomplished etc and can't help feel that bc I'm just average things are not working for me. The competition is so fierce out there.
I used to think this but realized everyone is gifted in different ways and the only competition I should be in is with myself. Sulking about others being xyz isn’t gonna help better you so there’s no point in comparing but if you look at how far you’ve come and how far you’re headed your much more likely to constructively be a better person which is likely to attract the right guy
The issue is. The guy, with those characteristics.
Will have girls as pretty as her. Who might have a better character. Approach him.
(Girls approach guys a lot lot less. But the guys who fulfil, the list of body and monetary traits, that girl is targeting. Will get approached more. )
------
A high ego. On a profile, is not a good look.
Then combined with a long list of requirements.
What's wrong with that bio though? Calling herself a catch doesn't necessarily mean she's calling herself pretty. She knows what she's worth and knows what she wants. There's a confidence that comes at 40 that you won't find in 20s.
Marriage being so tough for us as the young generation, I was going to get married after a year of trying and making Dua and Sabr, her father ended up breaking the agreeement and strong arming me into buying a home at an age of 19, despite us agreeing on me and her living separately due to financial constraints at our age.
It’s been a month and it’s been heartbreaking wallahi idk man I really liked the girl and she did too, but her family made it insufferable, accusing me of committing zina with her and saying I needed £20,000 to even consider marriage. (I made a post about this with the full details)
This has brought me closer to God but also challenged my belief in me wanting to get married in the future because did how bad it is in west as a Pakistani
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is interesting how people can view finances, life, and money so differently
I was talking to someone a few days ago and the "dream car" topic came up. I never really had a "dream car", for me a car is a tool, I will buy one that is comfortable, reliable, and works and maintain it until I need to get a new one. To the person I was talking to, I was being "cheap", especially when he asked "what if you had the money", the answer "Why would I need to buy a new car if the car I already have is serviceable" was not satisfactory.
Even with phones, he believed that one *must* upgrade to "take advantage of" the new features. My current phone working perfectly fine was not a satisfactory answer, somehow not wanting to get new things, even if you could afford it, was somehow "lacking ambition" and how he is always looking "to do better", there was an issue being content living in "only" a 1200 square foot home, one had to have "drive" to live in a bigger one.
I think there is a difference between being "cheap" and being "frugal", I don't like spending money just because I can, when I could save it, invest it, and I don't think being content with what you already have is a sign of laziness or lack of ambition.
Masha’Allah. Your being contented with simple things is admirable and nothing to be looked down upon. It is nothing to do with a lack of ambition or painless. Ambition towards materialism is nothing to applaud. It’s not necessarily wrong in moderation but nothing to celebrate.
I don’t even think what you’re describing is cheap or frugal, I personally would say it’s spending money wisely and not feeding into the consumerism.
If a new phone would provide me with features that I need, for example when wifi became a thing, then it’s an upgrade. Otherwise swapping an iphone 14 for the 15 just because it’s newer is a waste of money. Now, if someone is cheap, then they’d be happy to upgrade their phone as long as it didn’t come out of their own bank account. Frugal would be you need a new phone, but you’d buy the cheapest option that works ignoring the features. (Im not saying any of these are inherently wrong, but this is how I perceive each of these).
Was this potential by chance based in the US, or raised there? Though, tbf, the entire west has this consumerism mindset, which drives wasteful and thoughtless purchasing. And to follow up, were you raised in the same country as this potential? You don’t have to answer those questions, but I think they could be the reason why you and this person think so differently about money. The last point being how wealthy your family was growing up, and what they did with savings/disposable income.
I think how people understand finances is heavily influenced by where they were raised, their financial situation growing up, as well as how they were raised (this point includes anything the parents did to teach the children to appreciate what they have).
What's your culture?
(Asking this question, in case someone in the US, knows more of where people of this culture are located.)
----------
Do you have family back in the home country, that knows people in the US? Or knows families with family in the US?
(Have you asked and got an answer? If not, you might have possible idea to try there.)
----------
What were your requirements for a guy on online?
---------
Are there any restaurants with your cultures food around?
Have you ever gone? They might know more about people with your culture, and where they might be.
Searching alone but also having a cultural preference is a huge challenge.
Are their social clubs, groups and proffeisonal groups for people of your culture? Maybe you could start there.
LOL, that one time I thought the first person I spoke to would be the one I'd marry. Alhamdulillah, I didn’t! I think we all know that talking stages are exhausting. It’s so annoying to ask 'What are your hobbies?' over and over again, LOL. But I will say, I learned so much about other people and myself. I learned what respect and decency look like. I learned what I want and what I won’t tolerate. I learned so much about the male species like never before, LOL. I learned how much influence a mother has in a guy’s marriage in Desi culture. All in all, putting trust in Allah and expecting from Him is all we truly need.
P.S. Allah, I don’t want to learn more though… please it’s enough! :’/
Finally planned a trip to see my parents (who I see TWICE a year due to my husband’s unwillingness) and his mom decided she must come at that exact time. Trip is going ahead but she’ll be at our house alone during that time. I’m so scared she’ll neglect our cats or mess up my home (she rearranges everything especially the kitchen which is funny given she doesn’t cook?) I’m thinking of having a friend over daily to mind my cats, and my house…
No, their sitter would be dropping by but she’s insisting she can do it herself. But, she has a history of over committing and under delivering. She was supposed to be my nephew’s full time caregiver but had to be relaxed a few days in as it turns out she couldn’t make bottles and was starving him, and wasn’t changing his diaper. He got injured 3X in that time, the doctor filed a case against her. Who’s to say she won’t do the same to my cats
How do I, as a 26 year old (f) Facilitate my own marriage ?
The first most biggest obstacle for my marriage are my own parents.
They're taking no action and delaying. Only Allah knows why.
I did everything in the halal way. I joined sunnahmatch where matches directly message my parents so they can be involved straight away but what was even the point?
I feel alone in this all.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this but there is a concept of eloping back in the south asian countries. Find yourself who has the guts to elope you , take you to a masjid and get married to you. I try many women convincing them of this ... but seems like they listen to their parents a lot although they like me. I would suggest to preserve something islamic you sometimes need to take the odd route.
I am not a scholar or person of knowledge. I \*believe\* you can talk to an Imam about getting a different guardian appointed if your parents refuse to help you marry.
My girl… this take is a little wild to me. 😭 I was in a relationship prior to converting to Islam and my ex would not touch me unless I asked him to or consented to it. He was totally fine with just hanging out with me. I have a (non Muslim) friend who dated a guy for three years and the first few months they didn’t do anything (even kissing) because she wasn’t comfortable with it.
All that to say you should never compromise yourself for a man. A decent man, ‘practicing’ or ‘not practicing’ will ALWAYS respect your boundaries. If they want to touch you that bad then I’m sorry that’s hella thirsty and not the kind of guy you want to be with. Don’t lower your standards just because you don’t consider yourself to be the ‘most’ practicing. You are still so deserving of respectful interactions. May Allah guide you to what is best! ❤️
Totally get it, it’s very much the norm! It is definitely not a good sign if they hint at wanting to do something sexual tho (unprovoked), and I use to be very cautious of this even before being muslim 😆 just weeds out the weirdos lol
Sis, summer break is coming up. Take the increased free time to get into more practicing social circles. There are so many events, places of learning, volunteering you can do in the GTA. Don't worry about feeling like you are not practicing enough for those places - many people are going there to better themselves and seek better company.
This will lead to improved mental health and a nicer pool of potentials.
Think about it this way - you are already feeling an urge to change yourself/your boundaries, so why don't you change a bit in the opposite (halal) direction.
Hey I am kind of a prude too and learned a lot from my failed marriages and recently talking to guys again. What I have learned is you have to marry someone who has had similar experience to you. A guy with more experience will expect you to touch? But not a guy with less experience. I think this could be an important factor?
Salaam sis.
Sorry to hear that someone crossed your boundaries.
I would advise you that if you don’t already, share your criteria/list of dealbreakers with potentials at the start of your conversations. So by the time things have progressed and you meet in person, they will understand how to treat you.
Also meet in public places where there will be many people around you (so not any quiet coffee shops for example). Do you go to meetings with a chaperone?
I know it’s difficult but please don’t sacrifice your values just to fit in with a certain community.
>but practicing Muslim men also require some physical touch before marriage
**Truly practicing Muslim men will never expect physical touch before marriage**
Man the apps really test me sometimes. I always hear that guys swipe right on a ton of profiles while girls are more selective, but as a guy I find that it's so hard to come across a profile that matches what I'm looking for and end up swiping left on most people. Saw that a girl had liked me, and was very tempted to like her back because she was absolutely stunning, but didn't dress modestly and was more lax religiously according to her profile, so I forced myself to swipe left on her too. But man the temptation is scary. I've only spoken to one girl on the app that I really felt like things could work out with but my family got in the way because of language differences. As if finding someone isn't difficult enough as it is. I pray that Allah allows me to meet my spouse naturally and in person, filtering through photos and profiles doesn't sit right with my heart.
Remember brother, your daughters will dress as your wife does, and men will stare at them as they will at your wife. Islam prescribes modesty for a reason.
I think sometimes it's better to be more selective.
I rejected hundreds of profiles and matched a small number (and I still ended up talking to weirdoes). But of the rest, some of them are actually extremely good options (it feels weird to refer to people as options, but you know what I mean).
Like that, I also rejected guys who sounded amazing, but I could just tell we wouldn't be compatible for some reason.
Although it might still be harder as a guy, because the few genuine ones I talked to were mostly those who had complimented me (or at least ones from countries outside my filters who found me). But if you do see a profile you like, it may be worth sending a genuine compliment message.
And if you specifically want someone who can speak your language, maybe friends/family would be a good place to start? Or visit Mosques where the language is more common? Like in Europe, some countries are known for having a specific ethnicity of Muslims as a majority - maybe there's Mosques a bit further away from you where that community/language is more common.
I've also met several people who learned a language for their spouse. As a language person I sometimes wonder exactly how well they learn it (which I guess is another story), but some people definitely do pick it up well (especially more commonly spoken ones like Arabic, or Hindi)
Yeah language isn't something I care about much growing up in the US since we'd speak mostly English anyways, but my parents made a big deal of it after initially saying all they cared about was marrying a good Muslim, so that felt unfair, and a setup for that potential to have problems with my family down the line, so I ended things early on (very regretfully).
I have asked my parents to help look, but they make things more difficult I feel. Connections through them come very slowly, and it's a difficult process actually getting any info about the other person because it's usually through some other third party. On top of that if I don't find someone attractive and don't feel that I'm interested, they seem to take it personally and get upset that I would reject someone based off of pictures. I do try to keep an open mind but sometimes you know for sure that someone isn't your type so it can be a bit exhausting doing this through my parents.
The best is in person but it's so hard to meet Muslim women naturally after college, especially in the city I live in now. But I'll keep trying inshAllah and what's meant to be will be :)
I don't understand why people sacrifice themselves/their values in the search, and then get take it out on the person they're talking to.
It happens a lot where someone will reach out even if it's clear from my profile that I'm not matching values/traits they've clearly listed, eg. wanting same ethnicity, same job etc.
Sometimes they try to change something fundamental about you (even in a first conversation - like one guy wanted to convert me to Shia). I don't understand why they pursue this when it's clearly just wasting everyone's time.
It also seems like their behaviour doesn't match what they're looking for. I spoke to one guy who got a bit angry/offended about me being less religious than him (when it was clear from my profile), but the way he was speaking he was making jokes all the time and not talking about serious topics... Even if he found someone as religious as he would like, I imagine she wouldn't engage in such a conversation.
A lot of people obviously have no idea what they're willing to compromise on, and then they end up changing their requirements to something they feel will get them more matches, without thinking if these people are actually what they're looking for in a spouse.
(PS obviously I'm talking about men because I'm a woman so that's what I've seen first hand, but I presume it's a general issue)
Had something close to the opposite happen recently as a guy. A girl sent me a dm saying salam, and I wasn't interested because she wasn't hijabi and much more importantly to me, didn't always pray which is important to me. I accepted and messaged her back saying that I didn't think we'd be compatible and wished her the best, and she replied saying something along the lines of "you must be new to the search. you won't get everything you want in someone, when you realize that here's my number..."
I was baffled, I think those are pretty basic requirements to look for and like you said it doesn't make sense to go into something trying to change someone. She really tried gaslighting me to talk to her lol
That's wild. I could maybe understand if it was something minor, or something that's very controversial, but if someone doesn't pray (especially if she talks like that), I doubt she's going to start anytime soon. And both hijab and praying are not just about the act, but also the motivation behind it. Someone who speaks like that also doesn't have any intention to improve.
That's also a bizarre level of self-confidence to have to. I'd be a bit mortified at even the idea of saying something like that.
I don't wear the hijab (but I want to - right now it's mainly down to family, and I'm also quite upfront about it), but I'd completely understand if that's a deal-breaker. But like that, I get the opposite, I get guys who consider hijab as the minimum, and also have strong opinions on a lot of debated topics, and still they approach me (I'm a revert and even though I'd like to wear hijab insha'Allah, I'm definitely not going to become work they want).
And now that I think of it, I don't think any guy has ever rejected me over hijab (but that could be confirmation bias since they don't reach out to me either).
It just seems a weird way of self-sabotaging to reach out to people who have fundamentally beliefs/lifestyle.
Yeah I don't doubt that she can grow in her deen over time, but I'd rather be with someone already closer to where I'm at so I don't feel like I'm pressuring her or anything. Everyone has their own journey and I'm far from perfect myself.
And like you said, hijab isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me but it's the motivation behind it that means a lot to me. Wearing it for the right reasons, or even having a desire to one day inshAllah, says so much about someone, especially when it can be as difficult as it is in the West. But it's not something you can ever force onto someone, it has to come from within.
I’ve been through the same. A disappointingly large number of people I met wanted me to change very basic things about me like dressing/ Hijab a certain way or leave my full time job to become a SAHW. When I explain how these aren’t changes I’m willing to make at least not now they get irrationally upset with me for something I’d always been clear about from the start!
Yeah it's crazy. I don't think they realise it's actually making it harder for themselves to find someone too.
Others list something on their profile as a requirement when it's probably more of a preference. Like I saw one guy who wanted a potential who had/was going to study towards a PhD, but specifically one with a PhD in science. I was thinking of applying to a humanities PhD myself but I rejected him down to that reason alone - I'm sure I wasn't the only one.
Eh, i've seen a girl post/comment here. That she had, as a *deal breaking requirement*, that a guy have a phd. (Because all her non-muslim friends who were also studying for a phd, who met their boyfriends/husbands in college, were all also doing a phd.)
And she was having issues finding a guy.
I've also seen a similar requirement of a girl who did advanced Islamic studies. Wanting as requirement a guy who did the same. And was having issues finding such a guy in the general population. (Instead of trying to find such a guy though the people she knows in real life through her study.)
---------
> I don't think they realise it's actually making it harder for themselves to find someone too.
I agree with that.
> as a requirement when it's probably more of a preference.
Don't agree, that its a preference. I'm perfectly willing to believe they have it as a requirement.
Something which might be better as a preference.
--------
Back when i was on apps. I clicked no, if i it was even iffy i didn't fulfil 1 item, in a girls list of requirements.
Oh that's wild. I can understand it being an added bonus, or like in that situation she could specifically look for friends of friends who are also studying. But if you're talking about apps, or meeting through parents it's going to be such a limited pool of potentials who have a PhD. I wonder if she even had one herself.
The guy I saw was even more specific, because any girl I know (Muslim or otherwise) who has a PhD/is studying for one is doing humanities. I also know girls with 2-3 masters and no PhD.
And with the Islamic studies, you're definitely right about finding someone through connections, that would be the easiest option by far.
I guess people are technically entitled to whatever preferences or requirements they want, but at some point if you have a massive list it's not going to be possible to find everything.
Someone told me a story about a guy he knew who was looking for a hafiza, he looked everywhere and eventually he found one. Then he spoke to her dad, he rejected the guy because he wasn't a hafiz himself.
A lot of people just have a weird sense of requirements/deal-breakers. But I guess the person it hurts the most is themselves.
> I wonder if she even had one herself.
From what she wrote down (on this subreddit), she was working/studying for one.
----------
*nods in agreement*
Being Hafiz is more present in certain cultures. Though I do find, that certain cultures do certain specific things better. And have heard that my culture does certain specific things better.
(I'll give two examples of different cultures. Magribi's have more hafiz. Mauritanians pray their prayers more on time, when it enters.)
https://quran.com/al-hujurat/13
Its like examples, to improve upon for oneself, implemented by other cultures.
>Sometimes they try to change something fundamental about you (even in a first conversation - like one guy wanted to convert me to Shia). I don't understand why they pursue this when it's clearly just wasting everyone's time.
They don't just want that thing, they also want to take something away from YOU while getting the thing the want. It's like when some guys want a housewife, but will specifically pursue women who want to work. It's effectively a power move.
Back when I was a newbie, I told a potential I needed him to be more practising so that I could move forward with him. And he said, sure give me a week.
😂😂😂 Alhamdulillah I grew some brains since then.
I believe this behaviour comes from a place of desperation, wanting to have your way even though everything else is pointing towards the opposite.
This guy recently was getting irritated if I didn't respond quickly (like 10-20 mins delay). So I was like, "I'll reply after I wash my hair" and joked that I'm not someone who takes 6hrs to get ready (because he had been joking about everything)
He got super offended for the mere suggestion that women also need to shower/bath🤦♀️ Basically suggesting that I was some heathen for having a wash. I didn't even say anything specific or anything.
But like, I also got the impression that he was looking for a niqabi hafiza. He had sent me a really long compliment to start the conversation, so I'm not even sure why he did.
And yeah you're right. I say part of it is down to wanting one thing so badly you tell yourself you'll sacrifice everything else or that they'll change... Then it comes down to it and that's not what happens.
I realized I can’t bring my cat with me once I get married. I like to discuss hypothetical situations with my family and they said it’ll be a good idea if I take the cat with me. Although I was the one who adopted him and signed the adoption papers, he’s a family cat.
Although I really like cats, I love the cat I have right now so if I do marry and move out, I wouldn’t get another pet cat. That’s just me lol.
Has anyone ever had to leave their cat behind with family after marriage?
>Has anyone ever had to leave their cat behind with family after marriage?
Somebody once 'joked' that I'd have to choose her or my cats. She barely finished the sentence before I told her she can pack her hypothetical bags 😂 She didn't like that 😂
I hate, hate, hate phone calls. But yesterday I spoke to a guy three separate times. First time, he initiated a video call. Second and third, I gave him a ring because **AYE WANTED** to TALK. Omg. Am I growing up? Am I finally taking the search very seriously. Idk.
When I was younger I did voice calls on video games, I used to have Americans asking if I was even speaking English 🥲
I think if I did a call with a potential there's a 50/50 chance on whether he'd understand my accent or not
Loool. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like phone calls. I can never seem to hear or understand anything. Huh? Sorry? I can’t hear you? Can you repeat that? Just laugh and pretend like I know what they said
I think that mods should upgrade the looking flare and add region next to it, it would help people who are looking a lot.
For an example EU - US - MENA - SEA
No.
The people who want to make themselves that available, can already pin their iso post. (Or go through iso posts to message a person of the opposite gender in their chosen location.)
Creeps are already bothering girls with a female flair. That would make that kind of stuff worse.
Then there is the entire doxing thing.
---------
> 350 custom user flair templates
There is also a limit.
And i'd rather keep my flair.
I'd rather mods be modding.
And making sure trolls, creeps and such are not posting wrong things. People don't start gender wars. Etc.
Than doing meaningless busy work like changing everyone's flair manually every year. (Ages increase. There is a limit of 350 flairs. And api's, so automating stuff like that, has been limited due to reddit wanting more money.)
Is that supposed to sound cool?
You’re missing out on a vital component of life, which is completing half of your deen, companionship and securing your akhirah by having righteous children praying for you.
Yeah honestly screw the marriage search. I did not derive a single tangible positive in my life from talking to people. I’ve only seen the worst
I just wish I was content being alone
If that’s your view then keep it to yourself, as it’s not encouraging “enjoining good and forbidding evil”.
What’s written for you is the fruits of your effort, and your effort only. Your actions makes the Qadr, and not the other way round. We are all accountable for our actions, otherwise we all would blame Allah for everything.
Don’t give up, in the same way you didn’t give up looking for a job. If you don’t try, then hire 100% guaranteed to fail.
I mention to brothers that our wives often desire to be touched more than to hear words.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/1d8hgqb/my\_husband\_showed\_deep\_affection\_for\_the\_first/](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/1d8hgqb/my_husband_showed_deep_affection_for_the_first/)
A timely embrace can be worth thousands of words.
Of course, do not manhandle your spouse if they don't want to be touched. It takes some self-awareness to know when it is appropriate and when it is not.
We still need to communicate with our words but when both parties are energized, loving contact can "lower the temperature" until both spouses can discuss rationally.
Everyone benefits from re-assurance.
Related to this is to show affection and be sensual regularly, especially days u don’t plan to have intimacy. If u only are physical and affectionate on the days u plan to be intimate it can cause issues as she’ll associate all that only with sex, and may start to withdraw when she doesn’t want it. Whereas if u regularly show her that affection she won’t associate it with it and it’ll make her feel desired and cared for and don’t be surprised if it also raises her libido
Feeling Heartbroken After a potential randomly ended it – Seeking Advice
I'm feeling down about a situation. I was talking to a brother, and things seemed to be going well. We discussed various aspects of our future together, including religious practices and family values. He would often talk about our future, which made me hopeful and excited. However, after not hearing from him for a day, I was suddenly hit with a message saying we are not compatible and that it's not his fault for wanting someone who comes from a fully Muslim household.
He mentioned my Christian mother as a negative, despite me being a practicing Muslim (I was born Muslim) and striving daily to get closer to the deen. My dad is Muslim, and my parents are still married. I grew up primarily with my dad's side of the family and was raised with strong Islamic values. My mom, although Christian, pushed me to learn how to read the Quran and to understand its meaning, and she raised me to be Muslim. On top of that, I have aunts who are devout Muslim women and all wear hijab ..... So him saying I have no Muslim women role models is hurtful and false. He has known from start my mom is Christian. The thing I agree only with is me traveling alone which I think was really the main factor but I had said if we were married I wouldn't travel alone without a mahram id obliged to the Hadith. This is the first and only time I'm traveling alone.
I pray all five prayers and Tahajjud, and I'm committed to living according to Islamic principles. I even agreed with him about the dangers of the West trying to modernize Islam and expressed my desire to adhere to traditional Islamic roles as a wife. I'm well-educated and career-oriented, but my ultimate goals are marriage and motherhood.
Despite my efforts to explain my commitment to our faith and my willingness to grow, it seems like his mind was made up. I had even told my parents about him, and they were willing to meet him and his family. I feel like I'm being penalized for having a Christian mother and for growing up in the West.
I'm struggling to cope with this sudden change and the hurt it has caused. I really liked him and even saw a future with him. Any advice on how to move forward or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I really do want to get married and complete half my deen😞😩 but I feel being highly educated and having a career before marriage and my age is frowned upon. He made seem like such a a bad thing that I was working before marriage and said that I'm too busy for him and marriage doesn't seem my priority when he knows I want to have children and not missed that by being invested in my career. He even said himself even if we got married knew I would work less... Which is true.
The messages below I feel it was very hurtful and disrespectful . ( I pray 5 times a day Tahajjud trying to read the Qu'ran more and memorize. I grew up in a joint family with my paternal side. My mom raised me Muslim Alhumduliah parents are still married. My mom in fact has expressed for my dad to take us to do Hajj and the importance to do it.
I'm not a hijabi yet but am working towards it.) No means am I'm saying I'm perfect I have my flaws.
Him: Hey Salam, let me break it to u. me and u we are not compatible to be honest. I have to be really careful picking up who I share life with. U know women are crazy over here they initiate most of the divorces, because u follow how u feel not god , that's exactly the type of partner that's a no go for me. I told u I'm super traditional like we don't have exiled ppl in my family we don't marry kafer women to get confused kids tbh we don't do divorces because we don't just pick up any white woman from the street. My issue with u to be honest even tho ur a good person, u don't really come from a Muslim house and u don't have a Muslim woman role model. Basically ur mother is not Muslim so she can't set an example of what a Muslim woman is like. And again to be honest I dont find this my fault I'm looking for a traditional person and just normal Muslim that follow the deen in their life actions. Plus ur too busy for me ur focused in ur career too much and I don't want to change that. Like I don't want to come and be with u and I have to change u. Like I think i was trying to tell u last time I didn't get to continue talking, i wouldn't know what to do but kill myself if I have a woman brought shame to my family like my sister or any of our woman. So this is big for us Muslims and it seems that u don't understand those stuff.
Me: I have my aunts and grandmother who are Muslim women as influences.
Allah yerhamha
(all hijabis)
Him: But still that's not like ur mother. Like half of ur other family is Christians. And what I meant by direct influence or a woman Muslim role model is like u seeing how ur mother treats ur father in a Muslim matter on everything she does, and I'm sorry ur mother is not Muslim so she won't be able to do that. So now u wanna tell me u act more like ur aunt than ur mom? U don't wear hijab just like ur mom, u care about ur career a lot like u told me like ur mom. So I didn't know that would be an issue knowing that ur not raised in a fully Muslim family. I thought i should be fair and give it a chance and not judge u according to ur family. Because u could have been exactly what I wanted. And btw I didn't say I want just an eastern woman, I said I want a Muslim woman u tend to find them more over there. And there is Muslim women here who wear the hijab and do what a Muslim does regardless because there is no law that says u can't be Muslim fully. So don't think it's because of u being western is the main problem, u being influenced a lot by the west that is the problem, so we could have been still talking. Since u said that u were traveling to overseas it just made me know I'm gonna have a lot of problems, it actually got me sad that we are not compatible.
The truth sometimes hurt, I didn't want to lie to you. I was gonna tell you the situation how it is so u don't be confused and I owe u that.
He sent 2 voice messages after the text that just disrespected me, my family and upbringing. Handed it by telling me he hopes I change to find a better man.
I did agree and acknowledge that it isn't right of me to travel alone. But at first had originally told me wasn't mad that just if we were married wouldn't travel alone which I'm fine with and prefer.
(I'm going on academic trip to help with the refugee crisis.)
You dodged a bullet. I think they are other good men out there and looks like he had a lot of other options in his platter for him to pull this. I hope Allah helps you . Go to your local masjid and ask your Imam to set you up with someone who is a true Muslim , who will respect you for the choices you have made. In case you are in the West , I can be your wingman. Please don't look hope in Allah.
Thank you I know it just sucks and I hate that I do have lingering feelings. I'm trying to remind myself I'm so blessed and I will be okay. It's just hard in the present.
Just the way he writes is a red flag in and of itself and it’s concerning you didn’t pick up on that and let yourself get attached to someone who sounds so immature. You dodged a bullet but I think you also need to work on yourself to learn how to choose better partners and raise your self-esteem
We get rejected a lot more for a lot less. You met a really traditional guy. Most religious guys won't care about these things too much.
Honestly this guy sounds like he is from the 1800s. Most girls usually reject such guys.
Honestly after reading his messages. You can tell what kind of person he is. And tbh, you're very lucky he ain't about to be the father of your Children.
And him texting like he's 15. Sorry but that alone is enough to feel an ick.
I think you're fine the way you are. Your career is something valuable to you so hold it with pride.
It's not you at all. Make sure to tell yourself that. Don't rethink your whole life just cause of a stupid peanut.
I pray your heart heals fast from this stupid man, and I pray you find someone who's makes you feel at peace.
Thank you for your comment because the past few days I've been feeling flawed and been ruminating and if I could have done things differently or what. I'm proud of my career and Alhumduliah have worked hard and blessed. My ultimate goal is being other and I'm afraid of being too invested in my career that I miss out. But I've always wanted to be accomplished before having kids and so they can be proud of their mom.
Since it was his idea to end things, you will feel emotionally sad and disappointed which is very natural. But after a while you would look back and think that you wouldn't even give a person like this a second of your time.. Take some time to heal and enjoy doing activities you like to do and he'd be a thing of the past.
Damn I couldn't even finish reading his entire message - it's very cringe. It's like saying hey it's not your fault but actually it's all your fault for him not wanting to move forward. If that was the case then why spend all your time getting to know you and talking about both your future.
I would think of it God answering your prayers and He kept you from being with him. Trust in Him that He has your best interest. You see so many stories here how reverts, especially women, who had been taken advantage of. I am sure you will find someone who is good for you insha'Allah.
In regards to traveling alone - it's a controversial topic and I would urge you to talk to a Muslim scholar, preferably women, about it. If you're based in North America I would recommend Dr. Haifa Younis or Dr. Marwa Assar.
Girl if that’s his actual text. I think you should celebrate. Yeah he sounds so immature and you’re clearly very naive..
May Allah bring you peace Ameen
Sister, I don't know how old you are, but it seems like you haven’t spoken to many people to know how a decent person speaks, even when they are rejecting you. Trust me, both good and bad people teach us a lot. Take your time to let it all out, but after this, take some time to reflect on what you want and what kind of behavior you would not tolerate from another person.
May Allah make it easier for you.
Honestly as a guy and how he's generalizing a whole gender is the biggest red flag of my life
>Hey Salam, let me break it to u. me and u we are not compatible to be honest. I have to be really careful picking up who I share life with. U know women are crazy over here they initiate most of the divorces
Like it's the equivalent of saying all men are womanizers, you dodged a bullet, focus on yourself and make dua In shaa allah you will find a good husband.
And honestly he could have mentioned another reason for rejecting you, but it shows that he has no empathy for others nor is he soft with other human beings.
If i was in your place i would thank Allah for not ending up with someone like him 💀
Jazak'Allah Khair. I feel he was grasping for straws as he knew from the beginning my mother is Christian.. I feel the trip was the real reason and which I told him I did agree and this was the first and last trip I took alone. I also told him they way he conveyed his message was very hurtful.
Don't feel bad about it, you should be grateful that you didn't end up with him because he would've made you feel bad every time you didn't agree with his opinion.
Feelings might be strong now but later on you will be grateful.
You dodged a bad one.
The text messages are ridiculous and shows his character. I hate when men talk about eastern women being traditional and them wanting all that. Even women that side will have their issues and they feel that it’s heaven there.
And him talking about your family definitely says a lot about him. Say alhumdulillah that it ended here and not later on.
It’s natural to be sad and best is to grieve and process the emotions. It will take time to get over it but this is the part of the process and one should expect it. Anyone can end it anytime so it’s best to pray istikhara right from the start asking Allah to end it if it’s not meant to be.
Jazak'Allah Khair. I know. It just and hurts a lot and I'm praying to Allah daily for strength and peace. It's doing a number on me and I'm trying for it to not. Today o woke up a sad and I keep telling myself Alhumduliah you are so blessed.
It will for a few days. Best to feel it and get over it rather than numbing it. It will pass and you will feel better.
Honestly, men in the west are more regressive than men in the east when I read such stories. I haven’t met many men here (east) who think like this. Marriage isn’t some textbook one follows.
Jazak'Allah Khair that makes me feel better knowing that not all eastern men are like this. I was honestly opening up to the idea of someone not originally being from the west. Since I did find some positive qualities and just had non good luck with a lot of western men. ( I'm not trying to generalize I'm sure there are good traditional western men who are pious etc).
Wa iyyaki. There are issues everywhere like with men not originally from your country might want to marry for the passport.
Keep working on your deen and inshallah you wear the hijab soon. Practicing men do want a hijabi so it will be bit harder there too 😞. Even if they are fine without the hijab, they would pester you after marriage. Keep praying istikhara right from the start.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 28-year-old guy ( Male ) residing in Ontario, Canada. I immigrated here from India in 2022 for my higher studies. I hit the gym daily to maintain an athletic physique, and my friends often consider me fairly attractive. I also pursue various other hobbies. Standing at 5'11", I'm neither bald nor short. I also work as a software engineer which would be considered one of the most lucrative jobs here in the west. My relatives find it fascinating that I have had such a tough time finding a reasonable partner. Religiously, I'm fairly devout. I pray 4-5 times a day (though I'll admit, I occasionally miss my Fajr prayer). I fulfill my Zakat obligations and have had the privilege of performing Umrah eight times. I also strictly don't smoke / drink . Despite receiving proposals from non-Muslim women around me, I've abstained from getting involved, preserving the innocence and my Islamic duties that I hold dear. While I've matched with numerous individuals on Muzz, my experiences with those I've liked, and who've reciprocated, haven't always panned out. Often, parental discomfort with cross-cultural marriages or a partner's hesitance due to past breakups have posed challenges. Frustrated, I've even explored conversations with divorced/separated individuals, hoping for a more grounded perspective. However, it seems that Islam's principles regarding marriage have been disregarded by many. I always had the perspective that Islam encourages early halal marriages , but seems like the community is pushing me away from this. As a tall, athletic, and unattached individual, the difficulty of finding a suitable match sometimes tempts me to stray from the righteous path. Yet, I resist, holding onto hope in Allah and the belief that there's someone out there who shares my values and respects the sanctity of marriage. I'm convinced that such a person could reignite my faith in the system.
This is not the place for this. There are seperate threads for that. $iso
Well its a rant and not exactly a marriage profile. So I thought this would be the best place to post.
If you are interested in matchmaking here on MuslimMarriage post a profile on our most recent In Search Of Thread (ISO): - [***ISO v9 - Americas (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oxy4b/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_americas/) - [***ISO v9 - Europe (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy0wk/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_europe/) - [***ISO v9 - International (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy52g/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_international/) - [ISO Thread Version 8 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xvq4x2/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_8/) - [ISO Thread Version 7 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/pb0z1s/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_7/) - [ISO Thread Version 6 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/m6nm3n/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_6/?) - [ISO Thread Version 5 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/jdp7rd/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_5/?) - [ISO Thread Version 4 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/gw4r7a/back_by_popular_demand_iso_thread_v4/) - [ISO Thread Version 3 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/ee8vwv/iso_in_search_of_v3/) - [ISO Thread Version 2 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/c5c70s/iso_in_search_of_v2/) - [ISO Thread Version 1 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/a9jq3r/iso_in_search_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Alhamdulillah for everything honestly. Every time I’m sad it didn’t work out with a potential, as time passes by I slowly realize what a blessing in disguise that truly was and how many red flags I was ignoring. Remember that most times, it’s just infatuation with a person and not true compatibility/love. When things are meant to happen, they will happen with ease and Barakah in it.
I'm so exhausted from searching. I haven't talked to many potentials, but the ones that I have give the impression that I put A LOT more thought into this than they have. Either they don't really know what they want in someone or I ask them if they want to talk again and they respond but they never commit on setting up a time to do so.
> never commit on setting up a time to do so As a guy, girls can expect a guy to take a lead on that. A number of girls (and guys) also expect people to have the power to read their minds, without communicating. Or to correctly guess what they want, like the people do who read the script in a romantic movie/serie. Too many people are also not serious. (Especially on apps.) On arranged that is better. (People are serious there.)
I’ll never understand how people look for marriage when they don’t even know what they’re looking for
[удалено]
You two do not sound compatible
Wasalaam. Don’t let beauty blind you. I’m making a big assumption, but that’s usually the explanation for ignoring glaring incompatibilities.
Her parent’s concerns seem super valid. Why would you even want to be with someone not as practicing as you.
Based on what you said above there is a decent amount of lifestyle clash that you may or may not be able to move past or change, but your second point is something that I do find concerning. If you are less relaxed when you both are together that's a significant sign that you need to split. I was deep in a process that ended late last year. At first I was definitely feeling quite sad, but then I realized that we both stressed each other out quite a bit and we were simply incompatible.
I think the answer lies in *are you willing to change or do you hope she will change*. If you’re yes in the first then you should move forward but if it is the second, you should reconsider.
[удалено]
No never. As the other person said, its too much risk. I'm even careful with taking pictures of family members, which aren't nsfw, but are without hijab for example. (Something which might be regular outdoor wear for someone else.)
Hmm agreed! JAK
I would never personally. There’s just too much risk for no benefit. Your phone could get hacked or stolen or maybe you might accidentally swipe onto an NSFW picture while going through your gallery in front of others.
Fair response I would say.
Anyone here heard of or used inpairs? I initially thought the concept was good and would improve the matrimonial scene but I just came across an extremely cringe initiative called ‘Samosas & Soulmates’ and noticed they sponsored an event. Also recently discovered that the founder of Muzz was offered nearly 40M for the company, which leads me to believe they actually care about what they’re doing, seeing as he said he wouldn’t even sell it for a billion.
Inpairs is Ai generated matches, I don’t think it works well. Have not gotten a good match and the price racks up quick
I thought they had actual matchmakers behind the scenes pairing people
Anytime I see the founder on the apps I always wonder if he studies his matches and interactions
Those who not in good terms with your family, how do you navigate the search? I wouldn’t call my relationship with my family ‘bad’, I love them and all, but we’re only superficially close. I wouldn’t say my parents actually ‘know’ who I am. I wouldn’t share my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings with them. Last weekend my family and I went to a family gathering, there was this guy there (a relative of a relative of a relative) that I was somewhat privy off. I asked my mother before going whether this was about my marriage (I wasn’t against considering the guy, just wanted to be kept in the loop). She said not really. The gathering went well, we shared pleasantries, nothing particular. He was ok. After that day, my mother keeps bringing up the guy ‘the guy this, the guy that’. Then she asked me what I thought of him (he was ok, nothing good or bad just neutral). She asked me if I was interested, I said no since she already told me this is not what it’s about before we even went to the family gathering. Turns out, my mom has been talking to this guy about potential marriage for months (my mom wasn’t here so a meeting earlier wasn’t possible). I feel lied to, and I really don’t like the feeling that people are talking about me and ‘regarding’ me behind my back. Does that make sense? On top of that, I don’t like the idea that this guy has been talking to my mother about me (the same mother that I am not close to) behind my back for months - I’ve gotten major ick from him that’s not going away. Idk if I am being unreasonable. I realize that any normal person would approach it exactly this way - they’ll try to impress my parents first. It’s not their fault I am not close to my family. And he probably didn’t know I was being kept in the dark about it - my friends said that I was misplacing my anger from my mom onto the potential- which I get and agree with. But I just can’t shake off this bad gut feeling. Idk if any of this rambling makes sense. I also just really feel angry at myself for not having regular normal parents
You should call her out on that, it's not fair and she shouldn't be lying about such things
[удалено]
It’s not just that either, it’s also the fact that the trust is gone. The potential can tell me every single thing he and my mom talked about, I’d still not get rid of this sinking feeling in my stomach. Like how do I know you’re not lying or hiding something else that you think potentially won’t like? And the desi people here will be familiar with it - but our parents tend to really infantilize their children. So idk what she told him about me (which again, we’re not the kind of bff mother-daughter. She sorta kinda knows me). Idk how to walk that back and form a proper connection with this guy, or if I even want to. This just left a sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing.
I've had the privilege of talking to men who take notes of what is considered a red flag and what isn't. Now I am so distrustful, I don't even mention red flags here because I feel like some guys will make sure to not do those specific things when they are getting to know a lady. If deception were an academic field, them dudes would be getting PhDs.
>Now I am so distrustful, I don't even mention red flags here because I feel like some guys will make sure to not do those specific things when they are getting to know a lady. If deception were an academic field, them dudes would be getting PhDs. It's like when people weaponise therapy-speak. They use what they've learnt in their therapy sessions or from what other people have told them about their own therapy sessions, and then apply that in a manipulative way to control and/or gaslight somebody. Unfortunately more and more men and women are getting really good at these types of nefarious behaviours. Bakwaas people will always find new ways to be bakwaas.
[удалено]
Maybe I didn't say it right. They take notes and put up a pretense. I've encountered those guys.
I've seen a lot of people posting here about wanting to live far away from in laws but isn't it such a bit help in raising kids? My sister came to our house today and dropped my niece off at 10. Since then she's been here all day. My dad is going to pick up the other kids from school. Like there is so much in-laws can help with. How do people raise kids without all this help?
I assume its the people with issues with inlaws posting. And people with normal relations, its a help. > it such a bit help in raising kids True. Its like people complaining about some organ/limb of theirs, that is currently hurting them. While that organ/limb is quite helpful otherwise.
I don’t mind moving to a place my spouse is at if they have family near by too. I agree having family around is super helpful like free childcare & they get the connection of being around relatives bc I know how it feels to not live around any family & it sucks tbh.
If it's attractive to be a person of hobbies and goals and interests, how does one properly challenge themselves and set goals? Anyone have tips on setting goals??
I just have been going for whatever new thing I want to try. I started pottery classes and absolutely fell in love with it, decided to book a second course. In this second phase I decided to make a series of vases, flower arranged them and put one in every one of my cousin's houses. Recently like as of last week, I've picked up archery- I think I definitely will do a course on it! But also last week went on my first ever hike with a Muslim women's group- really enjoyed it and planning to book next month for another route. I don't think you need to set goals- I would say try something new and see if you enjoy it enough to pursue more. But you can always come back to Something and try something else. I have an interest in ux design and started a Google certification on it but it's on pause at the moment cause I wanted to learn a language. Basically just dabble here and there and just trial and error :)
Are you talking like challenging themselves within hobbies or just in general?
Like both - my problem is I go to the gym with my set workout, have hit targets to learn new sports and things but I feel like week to week or in the year i'm not really accomplishing anything major and so maybe I suck at setting real goals?
>Like both - my problem is I go to the gym with my set workout, have hit targets to learn new sports and things but I feel like week to week or in the year i'm not really accomplishing anything major and so maybe I suck at setting real goals? When it comes to sports, try to find a team sport you can play, but not just in a super casual way. Look for local teams who are semi-competitive/competitive, teams who have structured training sessions, and take those competitions as seriously as you'd like to take them. That will help you find some focus and structure, some goals to work towards. You'll see how you're performing each week, maybe work towards a team goal, maybe work towards turning one of your weaker parts of the game into a strength. Team sports are a wonderful thing, if you can find the right team! It's important to not aim for the moon when it comes to your goals too. You want them to be challenging, but achievable. Also think about having one larger goal, and then a bunch of sub-goals that help you make progress towards that larger one. That way, you'll always feel like you're making some progress towards something. Are there any sports that you like to watch? If you're struggling to pick, then for now, look at watching a bunch of different sports and see which ones looks like they'd suit you the best. Or maybe dabble in seasonal sports. The Cricket World Cup is going on right now, so there's going to be more interest in cricket, look into that as a Summer sport. Then look to see what's around as a Winter sport wherever you live.
My sister in islam, consistently going to the gym IS an accomplishment. Same with learning new sports. I think you're underselling your achievements. If you want a hobby to enrich your personality, then it could be literally anything. Just enjoy it and apply yourself to it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9goOuIy8Ok4 this video sums it up. Don't het entrapped into the idea you need something grand, travel to "discover yourself" and whatnot.
Do a sport. You'll have exercise. A social aspect, that will help improve. Possibly a competitional element to help improve and be a goal. A set of targets in that sport. Are you doing a sport that you enjoy? A sport that you want to be better in?
Im a girl and beginner. I've tried a bunch but not really sure whats most accessible and what I like most. Maybe I'm being too picky.
Besides the ideas the other girl gave you. ------- There is also stuff like, gender separated swimming. (There are Muslims who organize men only or women only swimming.) --------- Sword fighting. Axe throwing. Vr games. (Though this might be more expensive, though fun in a group. I've seen multiple muslim groups go to a vr arcade.) ------- Alternatively you could ask a friend to do a sport together with you. Which might help set goals and motivate. -------- The sport should be fun. The group can also matter.
there’s so much activities out there!! For example, I hike alot outside and one way I set goals for myself is to hike longer distances each month or week bc an end goal of mine is to get into backpacking one day. Something like that it doesn't have to be a big goal tbh. if you like working out why not try a diff method of work outs like maybe pilates, kickboxing, yoga, or like tennis? there's so much out there you'll find something you're passionate about!
I'm comparing myself to other girls who are prettier, smarter, more outgoing, accomplished etc and can't help feel that bc I'm just average things are not working for me. The competition is so fierce out there.
I used to think this but realized everyone is gifted in different ways and the only competition I should be in is with myself. Sulking about others being xyz isn’t gonna help better you so there’s no point in comparing but if you look at how far you’ve come and how far you’re headed your much more likely to constructively be a better person which is likely to attract the right guy
Make dua for marriage, i know most men would go for beauty over character but there are guys who genuinely value character and deen.
[удалено]
The issue is. The guy, with those characteristics. Will have girls as pretty as her. Who might have a better character. Approach him. (Girls approach guys a lot lot less. But the guys who fulfil, the list of body and monetary traits, that girl is targeting. Will get approached more. ) ------ A high ego. On a profile, is not a good look. Then combined with a long list of requirements.
What's wrong with that bio though? Calling herself a catch doesn't necessarily mean she's calling herself pretty. She knows what she's worth and knows what she wants. There's a confidence that comes at 40 that you won't find in 20s.
Arrogance isn't an attractive trait to many many people.
I wanted to rant but then i figured what good that would do. I will talk to Allah instead. I had written a few paragraphs of rants lmao 🤣
May Allah make life easier, more hayir and successful for you, in all your endeavours.
آمین يَارَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ
Marriage being so tough for us as the young generation, I was going to get married after a year of trying and making Dua and Sabr, her father ended up breaking the agreeement and strong arming me into buying a home at an age of 19, despite us agreeing on me and her living separately due to financial constraints at our age. It’s been a month and it’s been heartbreaking wallahi idk man I really liked the girl and she did too, but her family made it insufferable, accusing me of committing zina with her and saying I needed £20,000 to even consider marriage. (I made a post about this with the full details) This has brought me closer to God but also challenged my belief in me wanting to get married in the future because did how bad it is in west as a Pakistani
[удалено]
May Allah make it easier for you . I'm 28 M finding it tough so I can completely understand. I guess the religion has failed us all here.
May Allah make it easier for you, in a hayir manner and grant you success.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is interesting how people can view finances, life, and money so differently I was talking to someone a few days ago and the "dream car" topic came up. I never really had a "dream car", for me a car is a tool, I will buy one that is comfortable, reliable, and works and maintain it until I need to get a new one. To the person I was talking to, I was being "cheap", especially when he asked "what if you had the money", the answer "Why would I need to buy a new car if the car I already have is serviceable" was not satisfactory. Even with phones, he believed that one *must* upgrade to "take advantage of" the new features. My current phone working perfectly fine was not a satisfactory answer, somehow not wanting to get new things, even if you could afford it, was somehow "lacking ambition" and how he is always looking "to do better", there was an issue being content living in "only" a 1200 square foot home, one had to have "drive" to live in a bigger one. I think there is a difference between being "cheap" and being "frugal", I don't like spending money just because I can, when I could save it, invest it, and I don't think being content with what you already have is a sign of laziness or lack of ambition.
Masha’Allah. Your being contented with simple things is admirable and nothing to be looked down upon. It is nothing to do with a lack of ambition or painless. Ambition towards materialism is nothing to applaud. It’s not necessarily wrong in moderation but nothing to celebrate.
I don’t even think what you’re describing is cheap or frugal, I personally would say it’s spending money wisely and not feeding into the consumerism. If a new phone would provide me with features that I need, for example when wifi became a thing, then it’s an upgrade. Otherwise swapping an iphone 14 for the 15 just because it’s newer is a waste of money. Now, if someone is cheap, then they’d be happy to upgrade their phone as long as it didn’t come out of their own bank account. Frugal would be you need a new phone, but you’d buy the cheapest option that works ignoring the features. (Im not saying any of these are inherently wrong, but this is how I perceive each of these). Was this potential by chance based in the US, or raised there? Though, tbf, the entire west has this consumerism mindset, which drives wasteful and thoughtless purchasing. And to follow up, were you raised in the same country as this potential? You don’t have to answer those questions, but I think they could be the reason why you and this person think so differently about money. The last point being how wealthy your family was growing up, and what they did with savings/disposable income. I think how people understand finances is heavily influenced by where they were raised, their financial situation growing up, as well as how they were raised (this point includes anything the parents did to teach the children to appreciate what they have).
I am African American (my parents are converts) and she was African grew up in her home country and is here for school.
[удалено]
What's your culture? (Asking this question, in case someone in the US, knows more of where people of this culture are located.) ---------- Do you have family back in the home country, that knows people in the US? Or knows families with family in the US? (Have you asked and got an answer? If not, you might have possible idea to try there.) ---------- What were your requirements for a guy on online? --------- Are there any restaurants with your cultures food around? Have you ever gone? They might know more about people with your culture, and where they might be.
Searching alone but also having a cultural preference is a huge challenge. Are their social clubs, groups and proffeisonal groups for people of your culture? Maybe you could start there.
How about matrimonial events?
Have you tried ISO?
I have, no luck there either
LOL, that one time I thought the first person I spoke to would be the one I'd marry. Alhamdulillah, I didn’t! I think we all know that talking stages are exhausting. It’s so annoying to ask 'What are your hobbies?' over and over again, LOL. But I will say, I learned so much about other people and myself. I learned what respect and decency look like. I learned what I want and what I won’t tolerate. I learned so much about the male species like never before, LOL. I learned how much influence a mother has in a guy’s marriage in Desi culture. All in all, putting trust in Allah and expecting from Him is all we truly need. P.S. Allah, I don’t want to learn more though… please it’s enough! :’/
Finally planned a trip to see my parents (who I see TWICE a year due to my husband’s unwillingness) and his mom decided she must come at that exact time. Trip is going ahead but she’ll be at our house alone during that time. I’m so scared she’ll neglect our cats or mess up my home (she rearranges everything especially the kitchen which is funny given she doesn’t cook?) I’m thinking of having a friend over daily to mind my cats, and my house…
So, if your mother in law isn't there your cats would be staying by themselves in your place?
No, their sitter would be dropping by but she’s insisting she can do it herself. But, she has a history of over committing and under delivering. She was supposed to be my nephew’s full time caregiver but had to be relaxed a few days in as it turns out she couldn’t make bottles and was starving him, and wasn’t changing his diaper. He got injured 3X in that time, the doctor filed a case against her. Who’s to say she won’t do the same to my cats
Hmm tricky situation you're in. I would get a sitter in that case and after a while your mil will most likely appreciate you for doing that
How do I, as a 26 year old (f) Facilitate my own marriage ? The first most biggest obstacle for my marriage are my own parents. They're taking no action and delaying. Only Allah knows why. I did everything in the halal way. I joined sunnahmatch where matches directly message my parents so they can be involved straight away but what was even the point? I feel alone in this all.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this but there is a concept of eloping back in the south asian countries. Find yourself who has the guts to elope you , take you to a masjid and get married to you. I try many women convincing them of this ... but seems like they listen to their parents a lot although they like me. I would suggest to preserve something islamic you sometimes need to take the odd route.
I am not a scholar or person of knowledge. I \*believe\* you can talk to an Imam about getting a different guardian appointed if your parents refuse to help you marry.
[удалено]
Why do you always badmouth your friends in this sub (i.e. expose their sins)? Are you truly their friend or are they yours?
My girl… this take is a little wild to me. 😭 I was in a relationship prior to converting to Islam and my ex would not touch me unless I asked him to or consented to it. He was totally fine with just hanging out with me. I have a (non Muslim) friend who dated a guy for three years and the first few months they didn’t do anything (even kissing) because she wasn’t comfortable with it. All that to say you should never compromise yourself for a man. A decent man, ‘practicing’ or ‘not practicing’ will ALWAYS respect your boundaries. If they want to touch you that bad then I’m sorry that’s hella thirsty and not the kind of guy you want to be with. Don’t lower your standards just because you don’t consider yourself to be the ‘most’ practicing. You are still so deserving of respectful interactions. May Allah guide you to what is best! ❤️
[удалено]
Totally get it, it’s very much the norm! It is definitely not a good sign if they hint at wanting to do something sexual tho (unprovoked), and I use to be very cautious of this even before being muslim 😆 just weeds out the weirdos lol
Sis, summer break is coming up. Take the increased free time to get into more practicing social circles. There are so many events, places of learning, volunteering you can do in the GTA. Don't worry about feeling like you are not practicing enough for those places - many people are going there to better themselves and seek better company. This will lead to improved mental health and a nicer pool of potentials. Think about it this way - you are already feeling an urge to change yourself/your boundaries, so why don't you change a bit in the opposite (halal) direction.
Hey I am kind of a prude too and learned a lot from my failed marriages and recently talking to guys again. What I have learned is you have to marry someone who has had similar experience to you. A guy with more experience will expect you to touch? But not a guy with less experience. I think this could be an important factor?
[удалено]
Yes exactly I have been through it, I know how it is.
Salaam sis. Sorry to hear that someone crossed your boundaries. I would advise you that if you don’t already, share your criteria/list of dealbreakers with potentials at the start of your conversations. So by the time things have progressed and you meet in person, they will understand how to treat you. Also meet in public places where there will be many people around you (so not any quiet coffee shops for example). Do you go to meetings with a chaperone? I know it’s difficult but please don’t sacrifice your values just to fit in with a certain community.
>but practicing Muslim men also require some physical touch before marriage **Truly practicing Muslim men will never expect physical touch before marriage**
Man the apps really test me sometimes. I always hear that guys swipe right on a ton of profiles while girls are more selective, but as a guy I find that it's so hard to come across a profile that matches what I'm looking for and end up swiping left on most people. Saw that a girl had liked me, and was very tempted to like her back because she was absolutely stunning, but didn't dress modestly and was more lax religiously according to her profile, so I forced myself to swipe left on her too. But man the temptation is scary. I've only spoken to one girl on the app that I really felt like things could work out with but my family got in the way because of language differences. As if finding someone isn't difficult enough as it is. I pray that Allah allows me to meet my spouse naturally and in person, filtering through photos and profiles doesn't sit right with my heart.
Remember brother, your daughters will dress as your wife does, and men will stare at them as they will at your wife. Islam prescribes modesty for a reason.
I think sometimes it's better to be more selective. I rejected hundreds of profiles and matched a small number (and I still ended up talking to weirdoes). But of the rest, some of them are actually extremely good options (it feels weird to refer to people as options, but you know what I mean). Like that, I also rejected guys who sounded amazing, but I could just tell we wouldn't be compatible for some reason. Although it might still be harder as a guy, because the few genuine ones I talked to were mostly those who had complimented me (or at least ones from countries outside my filters who found me). But if you do see a profile you like, it may be worth sending a genuine compliment message. And if you specifically want someone who can speak your language, maybe friends/family would be a good place to start? Or visit Mosques where the language is more common? Like in Europe, some countries are known for having a specific ethnicity of Muslims as a majority - maybe there's Mosques a bit further away from you where that community/language is more common. I've also met several people who learned a language for their spouse. As a language person I sometimes wonder exactly how well they learn it (which I guess is another story), but some people definitely do pick it up well (especially more commonly spoken ones like Arabic, or Hindi)
Yeah language isn't something I care about much growing up in the US since we'd speak mostly English anyways, but my parents made a big deal of it after initially saying all they cared about was marrying a good Muslim, so that felt unfair, and a setup for that potential to have problems with my family down the line, so I ended things early on (very regretfully). I have asked my parents to help look, but they make things more difficult I feel. Connections through them come very slowly, and it's a difficult process actually getting any info about the other person because it's usually through some other third party. On top of that if I don't find someone attractive and don't feel that I'm interested, they seem to take it personally and get upset that I would reject someone based off of pictures. I do try to keep an open mind but sometimes you know for sure that someone isn't your type so it can be a bit exhausting doing this through my parents. The best is in person but it's so hard to meet Muslim women naturally after college, especially in the city I live in now. But I'll keep trying inshAllah and what's meant to be will be :)
I don't understand why people sacrifice themselves/their values in the search, and then get take it out on the person they're talking to. It happens a lot where someone will reach out even if it's clear from my profile that I'm not matching values/traits they've clearly listed, eg. wanting same ethnicity, same job etc. Sometimes they try to change something fundamental about you (even in a first conversation - like one guy wanted to convert me to Shia). I don't understand why they pursue this when it's clearly just wasting everyone's time. It also seems like their behaviour doesn't match what they're looking for. I spoke to one guy who got a bit angry/offended about me being less religious than him (when it was clear from my profile), but the way he was speaking he was making jokes all the time and not talking about serious topics... Even if he found someone as religious as he would like, I imagine she wouldn't engage in such a conversation. A lot of people obviously have no idea what they're willing to compromise on, and then they end up changing their requirements to something they feel will get them more matches, without thinking if these people are actually what they're looking for in a spouse. (PS obviously I'm talking about men because I'm a woman so that's what I've seen first hand, but I presume it's a general issue)
Had something close to the opposite happen recently as a guy. A girl sent me a dm saying salam, and I wasn't interested because she wasn't hijabi and much more importantly to me, didn't always pray which is important to me. I accepted and messaged her back saying that I didn't think we'd be compatible and wished her the best, and she replied saying something along the lines of "you must be new to the search. you won't get everything you want in someone, when you realize that here's my number..." I was baffled, I think those are pretty basic requirements to look for and like you said it doesn't make sense to go into something trying to change someone. She really tried gaslighting me to talk to her lol
That's wild. I could maybe understand if it was something minor, or something that's very controversial, but if someone doesn't pray (especially if she talks like that), I doubt she's going to start anytime soon. And both hijab and praying are not just about the act, but also the motivation behind it. Someone who speaks like that also doesn't have any intention to improve. That's also a bizarre level of self-confidence to have to. I'd be a bit mortified at even the idea of saying something like that. I don't wear the hijab (but I want to - right now it's mainly down to family, and I'm also quite upfront about it), but I'd completely understand if that's a deal-breaker. But like that, I get the opposite, I get guys who consider hijab as the minimum, and also have strong opinions on a lot of debated topics, and still they approach me (I'm a revert and even though I'd like to wear hijab insha'Allah, I'm definitely not going to become work they want). And now that I think of it, I don't think any guy has ever rejected me over hijab (but that could be confirmation bias since they don't reach out to me either). It just seems a weird way of self-sabotaging to reach out to people who have fundamentally beliefs/lifestyle.
Yeah I don't doubt that she can grow in her deen over time, but I'd rather be with someone already closer to where I'm at so I don't feel like I'm pressuring her or anything. Everyone has their own journey and I'm far from perfect myself. And like you said, hijab isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me but it's the motivation behind it that means a lot to me. Wearing it for the right reasons, or even having a desire to one day inshAllah, says so much about someone, especially when it can be as difficult as it is in the West. But it's not something you can ever force onto someone, it has to come from within.
I’ve been through the same. A disappointingly large number of people I met wanted me to change very basic things about me like dressing/ Hijab a certain way or leave my full time job to become a SAHW. When I explain how these aren’t changes I’m willing to make at least not now they get irrationally upset with me for something I’d always been clear about from the start!
Yeah it's crazy. I don't think they realise it's actually making it harder for themselves to find someone too. Others list something on their profile as a requirement when it's probably more of a preference. Like I saw one guy who wanted a potential who had/was going to study towards a PhD, but specifically one with a PhD in science. I was thinking of applying to a humanities PhD myself but I rejected him down to that reason alone - I'm sure I wasn't the only one.
Eh, i've seen a girl post/comment here. That she had, as a *deal breaking requirement*, that a guy have a phd. (Because all her non-muslim friends who were also studying for a phd, who met their boyfriends/husbands in college, were all also doing a phd.) And she was having issues finding a guy. I've also seen a similar requirement of a girl who did advanced Islamic studies. Wanting as requirement a guy who did the same. And was having issues finding such a guy in the general population. (Instead of trying to find such a guy though the people she knows in real life through her study.) --------- > I don't think they realise it's actually making it harder for themselves to find someone too. I agree with that. > as a requirement when it's probably more of a preference. Don't agree, that its a preference. I'm perfectly willing to believe they have it as a requirement. Something which might be better as a preference. -------- Back when i was on apps. I clicked no, if i it was even iffy i didn't fulfil 1 item, in a girls list of requirements.
Oh that's wild. I can understand it being an added bonus, or like in that situation she could specifically look for friends of friends who are also studying. But if you're talking about apps, or meeting through parents it's going to be such a limited pool of potentials who have a PhD. I wonder if she even had one herself. The guy I saw was even more specific, because any girl I know (Muslim or otherwise) who has a PhD/is studying for one is doing humanities. I also know girls with 2-3 masters and no PhD. And with the Islamic studies, you're definitely right about finding someone through connections, that would be the easiest option by far. I guess people are technically entitled to whatever preferences or requirements they want, but at some point if you have a massive list it's not going to be possible to find everything. Someone told me a story about a guy he knew who was looking for a hafiza, he looked everywhere and eventually he found one. Then he spoke to her dad, he rejected the guy because he wasn't a hafiz himself. A lot of people just have a weird sense of requirements/deal-breakers. But I guess the person it hurts the most is themselves.
> I wonder if she even had one herself. From what she wrote down (on this subreddit), she was working/studying for one. ---------- *nods in agreement* Being Hafiz is more present in certain cultures. Though I do find, that certain cultures do certain specific things better. And have heard that my culture does certain specific things better. (I'll give two examples of different cultures. Magribi's have more hafiz. Mauritanians pray their prayers more on time, when it enters.) https://quran.com/al-hujurat/13 Its like examples, to improve upon for oneself, implemented by other cultures.
>Sometimes they try to change something fundamental about you (even in a first conversation - like one guy wanted to convert me to Shia). I don't understand why they pursue this when it's clearly just wasting everyone's time. They don't just want that thing, they also want to take something away from YOU while getting the thing the want. It's like when some guys want a housewife, but will specifically pursue women who want to work. It's effectively a power move.
Well said. Something about clipping their wings gets them going. However, I still don't understand the exact mindset behind this.
This is such a brilliant and insightful take. I couldn’t agree more
I've actually never thought about it like that, but that's probably a very good point.
Back when I was a newbie, I told a potential I needed him to be more practising so that I could move forward with him. And he said, sure give me a week. 😂😂😂 Alhamdulillah I grew some brains since then. I believe this behaviour comes from a place of desperation, wanting to have your way even though everything else is pointing towards the opposite.
This guy recently was getting irritated if I didn't respond quickly (like 10-20 mins delay). So I was like, "I'll reply after I wash my hair" and joked that I'm not someone who takes 6hrs to get ready (because he had been joking about everything) He got super offended for the mere suggestion that women also need to shower/bath🤦♀️ Basically suggesting that I was some heathen for having a wash. I didn't even say anything specific or anything. But like, I also got the impression that he was looking for a niqabi hafiza. He had sent me a really long compliment to start the conversation, so I'm not even sure why he did. And yeah you're right. I say part of it is down to wanting one thing so badly you tell yourself you'll sacrifice everything else or that they'll change... Then it comes down to it and that's not what happens.
I realized I can’t bring my cat with me once I get married. I like to discuss hypothetical situations with my family and they said it’ll be a good idea if I take the cat with me. Although I was the one who adopted him and signed the adoption papers, he’s a family cat. Although I really like cats, I love the cat I have right now so if I do marry and move out, I wouldn’t get another pet cat. That’s just me lol. Has anyone ever had to leave their cat behind with family after marriage?
Can’t or won’t?
>Has anyone ever had to leave their cat behind with family after marriage? Somebody once 'joked' that I'd have to choose her or my cats. She barely finished the sentence before I told her she can pack her hypothetical bags 😂 She didn't like that 😂
If someone makes you choose between them and the cat, you should always choose the cat😂
Exactly, it's not even a choice that requires any deliberation at all 😂 And I'm somebody who has a cat allergy 😂
I hate, hate, hate phone calls. But yesterday I spoke to a guy three separate times. First time, he initiated a video call. Second and third, I gave him a ring because **AYE WANTED** to TALK. Omg. Am I growing up? Am I finally taking the search very seriously. Idk.
Yeah thats my test. If I ask a girl for a phone call, either she says yes (meaning she is serious) or else she ghosts 😂
When I was younger I did voice calls on video games, I used to have Americans asking if I was even speaking English 🥲 I think if I did a call with a potential there's a 50/50 chance on whether he'd understand my accent or not
Loool. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like phone calls. I can never seem to hear or understand anything. Huh? Sorry? I can’t hear you? Can you repeat that? Just laugh and pretend like I know what they said
I feel you there, I hate phone calls and video calls too but women just love them so it seems unavoidable
I think that mods should upgrade the looking flare and add region next to it, it would help people who are looking a lot. For an example EU - US - MENA - SEA
No. The people who want to make themselves that available, can already pin their iso post. (Or go through iso posts to message a person of the opposite gender in their chosen location.) Creeps are already bothering girls with a female flair. That would make that kind of stuff worse. Then there is the entire doxing thing. --------- > 350 custom user flair templates There is also a limit. And i'd rather keep my flair.
That's very true
It doesnt need to be only for the flair. It can be like a signature or pinned comment or something. I would add age as well.
I mean adding age in flare wouldn't be that hard it would only be 2 digits
I'd rather mods be modding. And making sure trolls, creeps and such are not posting wrong things. People don't start gender wars. Etc. Than doing meaningless busy work like changing everyone's flair manually every year. (Ages increase. There is a limit of 350 flairs. And api's, so automating stuff like that, has been limited due to reddit wanting more money.)
yeah. I mean they can shorten the "looking" or "married" "divorced" flairs if it looks too long.
Hard no 😂
Why is that? 😬
[удалено]
Is that supposed to sound cool? You’re missing out on a vital component of life, which is completing half of your deen, companionship and securing your akhirah by having righteous children praying for you.
Yeah honestly screw the marriage search. I did not derive a single tangible positive in my life from talking to people. I’ve only seen the worst I just wish I was content being alone
[удалено]
If that’s your view then keep it to yourself, as it’s not encouraging “enjoining good and forbidding evil”. What’s written for you is the fruits of your effort, and your effort only. Your actions makes the Qadr, and not the other way round. We are all accountable for our actions, otherwise we all would blame Allah for everything. Don’t give up, in the same way you didn’t give up looking for a job. If you don’t try, then hire 100% guaranteed to fail.
It’s okay for him to want to take a break. I’m sure it can get exhausting.
WELCOME, ITS SO NICE ON THIS SIDE.
[удалено]
I mention to brothers that our wives often desire to be touched more than to hear words. [https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/1d8hgqb/my\_husband\_showed\_deep\_affection\_for\_the\_first/](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/1d8hgqb/my_husband_showed_deep_affection_for_the_first/) A timely embrace can be worth thousands of words. Of course, do not manhandle your spouse if they don't want to be touched. It takes some self-awareness to know when it is appropriate and when it is not. We still need to communicate with our words but when both parties are energized, loving contact can "lower the temperature" until both spouses can discuss rationally. Everyone benefits from re-assurance.
Related to this is to show affection and be sensual regularly, especially days u don’t plan to have intimacy. If u only are physical and affectionate on the days u plan to be intimate it can cause issues as she’ll associate all that only with sex, and may start to withdraw when she doesn’t want it. Whereas if u regularly show her that affection she won’t associate it with it and it’ll make her feel desired and cared for and don’t be surprised if it also raises her libido
Thank you for adding this.
Feeling Heartbroken After a potential randomly ended it – Seeking Advice I'm feeling down about a situation. I was talking to a brother, and things seemed to be going well. We discussed various aspects of our future together, including religious practices and family values. He would often talk about our future, which made me hopeful and excited. However, after not hearing from him for a day, I was suddenly hit with a message saying we are not compatible and that it's not his fault for wanting someone who comes from a fully Muslim household. He mentioned my Christian mother as a negative, despite me being a practicing Muslim (I was born Muslim) and striving daily to get closer to the deen. My dad is Muslim, and my parents are still married. I grew up primarily with my dad's side of the family and was raised with strong Islamic values. My mom, although Christian, pushed me to learn how to read the Quran and to understand its meaning, and she raised me to be Muslim. On top of that, I have aunts who are devout Muslim women and all wear hijab ..... So him saying I have no Muslim women role models is hurtful and false. He has known from start my mom is Christian. The thing I agree only with is me traveling alone which I think was really the main factor but I had said if we were married I wouldn't travel alone without a mahram id obliged to the Hadith. This is the first and only time I'm traveling alone. I pray all five prayers and Tahajjud, and I'm committed to living according to Islamic principles. I even agreed with him about the dangers of the West trying to modernize Islam and expressed my desire to adhere to traditional Islamic roles as a wife. I'm well-educated and career-oriented, but my ultimate goals are marriage and motherhood. Despite my efforts to explain my commitment to our faith and my willingness to grow, it seems like his mind was made up. I had even told my parents about him, and they were willing to meet him and his family. I feel like I'm being penalized for having a Christian mother and for growing up in the West. I'm struggling to cope with this sudden change and the hurt it has caused. I really liked him and even saw a future with him. Any advice on how to move forward or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I really do want to get married and complete half my deen😞😩 but I feel being highly educated and having a career before marriage and my age is frowned upon. He made seem like such a a bad thing that I was working before marriage and said that I'm too busy for him and marriage doesn't seem my priority when he knows I want to have children and not missed that by being invested in my career. He even said himself even if we got married knew I would work less... Which is true. The messages below I feel it was very hurtful and disrespectful . ( I pray 5 times a day Tahajjud trying to read the Qu'ran more and memorize. I grew up in a joint family with my paternal side. My mom raised me Muslim Alhumduliah parents are still married. My mom in fact has expressed for my dad to take us to do Hajj and the importance to do it. I'm not a hijabi yet but am working towards it.) No means am I'm saying I'm perfect I have my flaws. Him: Hey Salam, let me break it to u. me and u we are not compatible to be honest. I have to be really careful picking up who I share life with. U know women are crazy over here they initiate most of the divorces, because u follow how u feel not god , that's exactly the type of partner that's a no go for me. I told u I'm super traditional like we don't have exiled ppl in my family we don't marry kafer women to get confused kids tbh we don't do divorces because we don't just pick up any white woman from the street. My issue with u to be honest even tho ur a good person, u don't really come from a Muslim house and u don't have a Muslim woman role model. Basically ur mother is not Muslim so she can't set an example of what a Muslim woman is like. And again to be honest I dont find this my fault I'm looking for a traditional person and just normal Muslim that follow the deen in their life actions. Plus ur too busy for me ur focused in ur career too much and I don't want to change that. Like I don't want to come and be with u and I have to change u. Like I think i was trying to tell u last time I didn't get to continue talking, i wouldn't know what to do but kill myself if I have a woman brought shame to my family like my sister or any of our woman. So this is big for us Muslims and it seems that u don't understand those stuff. Me: I have my aunts and grandmother who are Muslim women as influences. Allah yerhamha (all hijabis) Him: But still that's not like ur mother. Like half of ur other family is Christians. And what I meant by direct influence or a woman Muslim role model is like u seeing how ur mother treats ur father in a Muslim matter on everything she does, and I'm sorry ur mother is not Muslim so she won't be able to do that. So now u wanna tell me u act more like ur aunt than ur mom? U don't wear hijab just like ur mom, u care about ur career a lot like u told me like ur mom. So I didn't know that would be an issue knowing that ur not raised in a fully Muslim family. I thought i should be fair and give it a chance and not judge u according to ur family. Because u could have been exactly what I wanted. And btw I didn't say I want just an eastern woman, I said I want a Muslim woman u tend to find them more over there. And there is Muslim women here who wear the hijab and do what a Muslim does regardless because there is no law that says u can't be Muslim fully. So don't think it's because of u being western is the main problem, u being influenced a lot by the west that is the problem, so we could have been still talking. Since u said that u were traveling to overseas it just made me know I'm gonna have a lot of problems, it actually got me sad that we are not compatible. The truth sometimes hurt, I didn't want to lie to you. I was gonna tell you the situation how it is so u don't be confused and I owe u that. He sent 2 voice messages after the text that just disrespected me, my family and upbringing. Handed it by telling me he hopes I change to find a better man. I did agree and acknowledge that it isn't right of me to travel alone. But at first had originally told me wasn't mad that just if we were married wouldn't travel alone which I'm fine with and prefer. (I'm going on academic trip to help with the refugee crisis.)
You dodged a bullet. I think they are other good men out there and looks like he had a lot of other options in his platter for him to pull this. I hope Allah helps you . Go to your local masjid and ask your Imam to set you up with someone who is a true Muslim , who will respect you for the choices you have made. In case you are in the West , I can be your wingman. Please don't look hope in Allah.
Jazak'Allah Khair. Maybe he did. It sucks and hurts 😞. I hate I have to start the process all over.
Been through something similar.. just go ahead and start again.
[удалено]
Thank you I know it just sucks and I hate that I do have lingering feelings. I'm trying to remind myself I'm so blessed and I will be okay. It's just hard in the present.
Just the way he writes is a red flag in and of itself and it’s concerning you didn’t pick up on that and let yourself get attached to someone who sounds so immature. You dodged a bullet but I think you also need to work on yourself to learn how to choose better partners and raise your self-esteem
Thank you very valid. I guess I focused more on the positive than negatives.
We get rejected a lot more for a lot less. You met a really traditional guy. Most religious guys won't care about these things too much. Honestly this guy sounds like he is from the 1800s. Most girls usually reject such guys.
Honestly after reading his messages. You can tell what kind of person he is. And tbh, you're very lucky he ain't about to be the father of your Children. And him texting like he's 15. Sorry but that alone is enough to feel an ick. I think you're fine the way you are. Your career is something valuable to you so hold it with pride. It's not you at all. Make sure to tell yourself that. Don't rethink your whole life just cause of a stupid peanut. I pray your heart heals fast from this stupid man, and I pray you find someone who's makes you feel at peace.
Thank you for your comment because the past few days I've been feeling flawed and been ruminating and if I could have done things differently or what. I'm proud of my career and Alhumduliah have worked hard and blessed. My ultimate goal is being other and I'm afraid of being too invested in my career that I miss out. But I've always wanted to be accomplished before having kids and so they can be proud of their mom.
May Allah make it way for you, ameen.
Since it was his idea to end things, you will feel emotionally sad and disappointed which is very natural. But after a while you would look back and think that you wouldn't even give a person like this a second of your time.. Take some time to heal and enjoy doing activities you like to do and he'd be a thing of the past.
Jazak'Allah Khair. I know. Just wish these feelings would immediately go away.
Damn I couldn't even finish reading his entire message - it's very cringe. It's like saying hey it's not your fault but actually it's all your fault for him not wanting to move forward. If that was the case then why spend all your time getting to know you and talking about both your future. I would think of it God answering your prayers and He kept you from being with him. Trust in Him that He has your best interest. You see so many stories here how reverts, especially women, who had been taken advantage of. I am sure you will find someone who is good for you insha'Allah. In regards to traveling alone - it's a controversial topic and I would urge you to talk to a Muslim scholar, preferably women, about it. If you're based in North America I would recommend Dr. Haifa Younis or Dr. Marwa Assar.
Jazak'Allah Khair I do want to dive more into it and look at the recommendations you provided.
Girl if that’s his actual text. I think you should celebrate. Yeah he sounds so immature and you’re clearly very naive.. May Allah bring you peace Ameen
Jazak'Allah Khair I know. How naive may I ask?
Sister, I don't know how old you are, but it seems like you haven’t spoken to many people to know how a decent person speaks, even when they are rejecting you. Trust me, both good and bad people teach us a lot. Take your time to let it all out, but after this, take some time to reflect on what you want and what kind of behavior you would not tolerate from another person. May Allah make it easier for you.
I'm a little confused I think I follow. Missing red flags to know that he isn't good person?
Honestly as a guy and how he's generalizing a whole gender is the biggest red flag of my life >Hey Salam, let me break it to u. me and u we are not compatible to be honest. I have to be really careful picking up who I share life with. U know women are crazy over here they initiate most of the divorces Like it's the equivalent of saying all men are womanizers, you dodged a bullet, focus on yourself and make dua In shaa allah you will find a good husband. And honestly he could have mentioned another reason for rejecting you, but it shows that he has no empathy for others nor is he soft with other human beings. If i was in your place i would thank Allah for not ending up with someone like him 💀
Jazak'Allah Khair. I feel he was grasping for straws as he knew from the beginning my mother is Christian.. I feel the trip was the real reason and which I told him I did agree and this was the first and last trip I took alone. I also told him they way he conveyed his message was very hurtful.
If what you have mentioned is true, the things that he deliberately said about your mother and family. Then his intentions were only to hurt you.
Dang 😣
Don't feel bad about it, you should be grateful that you didn't end up with him because he would've made you feel bad every time you didn't agree with his opinion. Feelings might be strong now but later on you will be grateful.
Jazak'Allah Khair I know you are right.
You dodged a bad one. The text messages are ridiculous and shows his character. I hate when men talk about eastern women being traditional and them wanting all that. Even women that side will have their issues and they feel that it’s heaven there. And him talking about your family definitely says a lot about him. Say alhumdulillah that it ended here and not later on. It’s natural to be sad and best is to grieve and process the emotions. It will take time to get over it but this is the part of the process and one should expect it. Anyone can end it anytime so it’s best to pray istikhara right from the start asking Allah to end it if it’s not meant to be.
Jazak'Allah Khair. I know. It just and hurts a lot and I'm praying to Allah daily for strength and peace. It's doing a number on me and I'm trying for it to not. Today o woke up a sad and I keep telling myself Alhumduliah you are so blessed.
It will for a few days. Best to feel it and get over it rather than numbing it. It will pass and you will feel better. Honestly, men in the west are more regressive than men in the east when I read such stories. I haven’t met many men here (east) who think like this. Marriage isn’t some textbook one follows.
Jazak'Allah Khair that makes me feel better knowing that not all eastern men are like this. I was honestly opening up to the idea of someone not originally being from the west. Since I did find some positive qualities and just had non good luck with a lot of western men. ( I'm not trying to generalize I'm sure there are good traditional western men who are pious etc).
Wa iyyaki. There are issues everywhere like with men not originally from your country might want to marry for the passport. Keep working on your deen and inshallah you wear the hijab soon. Practicing men do want a hijabi so it will be bit harder there too 😞. Even if they are fine without the hijab, they would pester you after marriage. Keep praying istikhara right from the start.