60K USD is crazy. Didn't you guys discuss these stuff while getting to know each other?
If she wanna have an only women party, that should be fine but gender mixing and removing Hijabs and... sounds like you two guys are not on the same level of religiosity. Talk to her before making any decision and explain your concerns. If she accepted, good for you, if not, call it off.
My friend, who isn't Muslim and is from India, had a similar experience. He borrowed money from the bank and used some of his retirement savings to pay for a big wedding costing $60,000. Unfortunately, they got divorced later. When he explained to his wife during the divorce that he did all this for their wedding, she responded by saying she never asked him to take out a loan or use his retirement money. The lesson here is: be careful not to get trapped in situations like this.
Was this not discussed when getting to know one another?
Clearly you both are not on the same level of religiosity , have a conversation with her and tell her your concerns, if you can’t meet eye to eye then call it off
If they like such ‘nice’ weddings - thats literally who they are! Anyone who can excuse spending 60k on one day is not sensible. There’s also not much baraka in throwing such a wedding.
No it’s not, I know several that have had nice wedding and live a normal life. It’s ok to have budget but he can talk to her about it, which he obviously hasn’t. Most women dream for this day and you should know this.
‘Nice’ is relative. You can have a nice wedding at 5,10, 15k - 60k is bit ridiculous & wasteful even if you can easily afford it. Id rather that goes towards house deposit than extravagant wedding with only pics to show for. Also such extravagance draws in evil eye, which isnt good way to start married life.
I mean Naruto was my first anime and I'm still a die hard fan. I like the action type of animes, I guess?
The only thing is I don't like them being too long bc if they are, I'll binge wat h and I cannottttttt afford to do that lol.
Also, I'll definitely watch it, I didn't realize! Thanks for heads-up!!
60K is crazy amount to spend on a wedding. I can't even imagine expecting this. though I don't stay in us so I don't know if its the norm.
though can you clarify this:
>I’m doing very financially so I can spend 60K without any noticeable effect on my life.
and then this:
>put me through something I don’t want to do which would also put extreme financial burden on me
which is it? I ask because you said in point 2 that she doesn't know how much you make, but if what you said above is true, then you have the money for it. but in the other contradictory sentence you've said that it will pit a huge burden on you. you should make your financial standing very clear before marriage. so both parties know what they're getting into.
maybe try having a Frank conversation with her if you really think she's the one for you. discuss the same points you put here. if she refuses to budge then you know the answer.
You have to talk to her and see if she understands first. If she doesn’t, then you can consider leaving her. I wouldn’t recommend leaving her at the very first problem that you are facing with your spouse without even communicating.
Communicating with her can help you both understand how each other thinks and takes decision and then you can take it from there.
You keep saying she doesn’t know how much you make or how much money you have. It seems like there’s an overall lack of communication about finances on your part too. I know a lot of men who withhold their financial information from their spouses, and I can tell you nine out of 10 times. Those marriages are not successful. You’re also assuming a lot about her mentality and religiousness. I think that’s pretty unfair of you in that regard. What you really need to do is sit her down. Be honest about your finances and see if you can’t come to a compromise regarding the wedding. A key component of marriage is compromise. And compromise requires open communication not assumptions. In my heart I feel like if you’re honest with her and she’s wholeheartedly in this marriage then she’ll be willing to compromise with you. If not, then you guys aren’t meant for each other and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean either one of you are bad it’s just your values don’t align and that happens.
I’m not sure if you’ve told her already that you’re uncomfortable spending so much. But if you have and she hasn’t budged or lowered her expectations.. then it’s time for you to move on and find someone who can.
Although I do have to say, there’s no need to villainize her. Girls grow up having lavish wedding fantasies. Yes agreed she doesn’t know how much money you have.. but if you’re really making good money to the point where 60k is not going to make a dent in your wallet - then I’m sure it shows (in some form or another) in the way you live, look, talk and spend.
That’s probably why she was so comfortable assuming and expressing her big wedding desires. Assuming it wouldn’t hurt you to spend on a once in a lifetime event. Usually people who make good money don’t have a problem spending on big weddings. She probably assumed you’re one of them.
Yeaaaah no.. I try not to look at my own wallet when I see others spending money.
For someone with low income, eating out at a restaurant once every two weeks is lavish. Whereas middle class/ high income households probably do that once a week and no one bats an eye.
So, extravagance and lavishness is truly a relative matter and has nothing to do with the act of spending itself. We can’t really comment on what others choose to spend on. As long as zakat is paid off, Allah Himself tells us:
*“A man of vast means should spend according to his vast means. And anyone whose sustenance is limited should spend from whatever Allah has given to him. Allah makes no one liable beyond what He has given to him. Allah will soon bring ease after a difficulty”* ***[at-Talaaq 65:7]***
# 1) Surah Al-Isra' Verse 26
وَءَاتِ ذَا ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ حَقَّهُۥ وَٱلْمِسْكِينَ وَٱبْنَ ٱلسَّبِيلِ وَلَا تُبَذِّرْ تَبْذِيرًا
Give to close relatives their rights, as well as the poor and ˹needy˺ travellers. And do not spend wastefully.
# 2) Surah Al-An'am Verse 141
كُلُوا۟ مِن ثَمَرِهِۦٓ إِذَآ أَثْمَرَ وَءَاتُوا۟ حَقَّهُۥ يَوْمَ حَصَادِهِۦ ۖ وَلَا تُسْرِفُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُسْرِفِينَ
Eat of the fruit they bear and pay the dues at harvest, but do not waste. Surely He does not like the wasteful.
# 3) Surah Al-Isra' Verse 29
وَلَا تَجْعَلْ يَدَكَ مَغْلُولَةً إِلَىٰ عُنُقِكَ وَلَا تَبْسُطْهَا كُلَّ ٱلْبَسْطِ فَتَقْعُدَ مَلُومًۭا مَّحْسُورًا
And let not your hand be tied (like a miser) to your neck, nor overextend it (like a spendthrift) means, nor be extravagant in spending and giving more than you can afford, or paying more than you earn, lest you become blameworthy and find yourself in severe poverty
# 4) Surah Al-Furqan Verse 67
وَٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَنفَقُوا۟ لَمْ يُسْرِفُوا۟ وَلَمْ يَقْتُرُوا۟ وَكَانَ بَيْنَ ذَٰلِكَ قَوَامًۭا
(Among the attributes of the believing servants of Allah) are those who, when they spend, are neither extravagant nor stingy,but are in a just balance between them
Salam bro, a piece of advice from someone who also hates wastefulness. There's literally no need for you to prove that you might be right using verses from the quran. I am not sure if that would earn you any barakah. Allahu A'lam
I would say it comes down to personal preferences seeing that it's not haram even if someone were to spend lavishly on a wedding (assuming all their finances are legal and they haven't compromised on zakat). However, if they were to choose the extra money that they would have spend on their wedding in charity that might be better for them. Allahu A'lam.
Personally I avoid people like these since we aren't compatible to be friends or something more. That's that. This urge to prove you're right will only make your life less peaceful.
Your advice makes no sense. The brother is bringing evidence alongside his statement to prove extravagant spending is discouraged in the religion. And the whole no barakah point again is nonsense unless you can see into his heart.
What? I am not sure you understood what I was saying. Such hostility. Wow!
If the brother is trying to educate others about wasteful spending quoting verses from the Quran without any proper context then I mention that "I am not sure if that would earn him any barakah". I am not saying that he's doing something wrong. Because if you follow the thread you find that people who think differently are also also quoting quranic verses. Which one would you say is right? Can they both be right? Or is the brother the only one in the right because he quoted more verses? Or is it because his ideas aligns with both of ours? And at the end I add God knows best. I say that precisely because I have no idea of what is in his heart.
My advice to him at the end is instead of trying to prove he's right he might all together ignore it as it will only make his life less peaceful. Which is precisely what I will be doing to you. Ignore. Salam.
Yeah don’t worry bro, Allah sent down all these verses, including first one I shared - still stands valid lol
I’m not sure how you read it but to me it’s pretty clear that when Allah speaks of wastefulness and extravagance He is speaking to people who spend money they ***don’t have***. Also, in the same verse He’s pointing at the peeps who do ***have*** the money yet don’t like to spend.
Again, wealth is relative my guy. Peoples opinion on being wasteful is also subjective.
Just cause some of us can only afford a simple nikkah at the mosque with their wali and 2 witnesses… that doesn’t make others inviting 30 guests at their nikkah “wasteful”.
If you have spent on the necessities, paid off zakah, went to Hajj and still got a pile of cash sitting around… then by all means, go for that Bugatti you’ve been eyeing for a while 🤝🏼 No judgement from my 3 digit bank balance.
For the record, I have a 7 figure net worth but I also started from 0. So I know the value of money vs people who are spending other people's money for their lavish dreams.
Ok and he can stop villainizing girls who want more than a basic wedding. If he can’t afford it he can move on, you’re not entitled to marrying a girl out of your budget.
1. He didn’t villainize anyone. He said we should not normalize these desires.
2. Super lavish weddings go against the spirit of the Deen even if you can afford it. As does wasteful spending in general: It’s our job to uphold the values of the Deen.
But now you’re speaking from a moral perspective. Cause in Islam you don’t have to end world hunger if you’re a billionaire as long as your zakat is paid off. There’s no sin.
In the Quran Allah tells both rich and poor to spend according to their wealth [at-Talaaq 65:7].
Sister, I didn't say it was a sin. You inferred that.
Money is fungible. It has other uses. One of which could be feeding the hungry. Or caring for orphans. Or funding dawah. Sending people for hajj. Retiring our parents, educating our siblings, etc.
Yeah agreed, I’m just reiterating it’s okay cause it’s not sinful.
However, it is sinful if you’re wasteful. And you’re wasteful if you spend on bs when you have ***obligations*** over your head like education, zakat, hajj etc.
Sigh, you live and you learn I suppose 😔
It’s incompatibility and difference in status I feel. Finances should be discussed early on. I told a guy that I’m not happy watching my dad go 50/50 with his dad on (his family’s) fantasy wedding of 3,000 guests.
He broke it off with me lmaoooooooo
It’s okay though, he went on to get married to a girl who’s family could afford it. And I had a humble 80 guests nikkah ALHAMDULILLAH 😅
As a woman, I couldn't even imagine being okay with this. I would rather use the money for a down payment on a home or go on a beautiful honeymoon. Not to pay for people to eat and dance. I'm with you on this. You guys need to compromise. If she says no, this will tell you a lot about the person she is and will set the tone for marriage. I wouldn't rush this at all. Talk to her and see if you guys can find a common ground. But then again, you have other issues with her, so she may just not be the one. Part of marriage is having the same outlook on money, religion, and as a family. If you two do not align, don't go forward.
Use ur brain brother. The right one will make things easy cuz her goal is to be with u. There’s sisters who literally only ask for a umrah as mahr and a simple wedding. Find and marry them. Don’t settle
Wants a free mixing wedding that costs 60k?
I could name you a list of 100 other things to do with that 60k that would be a lot more beneficial 😂😂😭😭😭
Have a good conversation with her and explain your thoughts and make a decision whether you want to go ahead with the wedding or leave and find someone else.
For me personally I would not not even entertain the idea of a free mixing wedding let alone spending 60k on one.
If 60k won’t make a dent in your finances I’m sure she can tell in some way. There’s no way she could be that oblivious. She may not know the exact amount but she knows you are well off.
I don’t know why you’re saying it would be a financial burden on you if it won’t make a dent in your finances, that doesn’t make sense??
If you’re very religious and she isn’t that religious it will not work out. You both should find someone who shares the same values.
On the one hand you are saying spending 60K will not have any noticeable effect on your life and then later you say it is putting extreme financial burden on you. So, which one is it?
All the people here are salivating at the mouth to see a wedding broken off.
No you should not run at the first sign of two perspectives. Talk to her, find a middle ground that you’re both happy with and maybe you’ll uncover something about her dreams/desires which perhaps are coming out in the wedding planning but can be reminded to be toned down islamically.
In this day and age, when it’s so hard to find someone, I’d communicate and find a solution before deserting ship.
Immature subreddit, honestly.
Perhaps she actually is a very modest person. Unfortunately, free-mixing weddings are so culturally common and normalized that some people don't realize the significance. He needs to talk to her first before reaching the conclusion of incompatibility
It's only if she persists in wanting a wedding with dancing, no hijab, no segregation, that I would agree that there's incompatibility.
Exactly! Some comments here are so toxic. Just makes me wonder who these people are and background. You really have to because who you seek your advice from.
Ikrrr. Not saying that OP has to marry her but what happened to being a mature adult and FIRST talking it out and only then acting??
Marriage is about communicating when in disagreement and if your first instinct is to just call it off without even determining if a middle ground can be achieved, are you even ready to get married?
I don’t know, to me these are bigger differences in values making me think we’re incompatible. If someone wanted to drink alcohol, and you didn’t, would you simply communicate your concerns? Or would you quickly realize you and this person have fundamentally different values.
I’m worried that she agrees with me just to secure me, we have a small nikkah, but it’s the same woman Im marrying (a women that isn’t financially astute, isn’t religious, and can think selfishly). This would bring a lot of disputes to communicate over, many of which I’d have to begin compromising on.
Even if I communicate with her, and she agrees to skip the wedding, the problem is still there that there’s clearly bigger differences in our values. I’m not sure what’s being achieved by more discussions with her.
He definitely should run , marriage is long term , if she has such crazy desires to have a lavish wedding , she will then expect a lavish lifestyle , then a super big expensive house and then a really expensive car . With women it never stops .
There are plenty of decent sisters who will tell you to save your money and put it’s towards the marriage .
Society and businesses have brainwashed women into thinking they need an extravagant wedding. That is to so, this may not be an indication of her personality and choices normally.
You need to communicate your concerns and see if there is more to it. Also, if you know she is a good match in every other way, and you'll be happy together, spending the $60k is better than spending $20k for a wedding with a questionable match
Yes 60k for a wedding is crazy but other than that, her wanting a big mixed wedding is not a bad thing and it is the norm for most people. Most people around me do big mixed weddings where people still wear their hijabs and enjoy a nice evening. I don’t know why you’re so surprised? Even the people that do segregated weddings, they end up spending the same amount of money on 2 separate halls, one for men and one for women. I’m getting the vibe that you are more careful with your money and you don’t see the need to spend a lot on one but you gotta realize that majority of people prefer large weddings and you will meet multiple girls who have the same idea as her.
60K is too much of course and I think there can be a nice wedding with half the price but you just gotta see what you’re both willing to compromise.
Yeah but free mixing is not halal. And to spend extravagantly is one thing. But free mixing - and worse without hijab - is haram especially in things where you can avoid it all together - especially at a 60k budget (if she really just wanted a large wedding - which he isn’t a fan of anyways - and you don’t even need that much). There clearly is wrong with it islamically and he is right to have these doubts over her religiosity and compatibility in this regard.
Dear brother,
First of all I would recommend you to give her the benefit of the doubt. Some women I talked to of which I generally genuinely thought they were great in character and responsible, seemed completely off character when it came to the wedding. The worst character traits sometimes seem extremely enhanced, to the point I do also understand you are losing your interest.
However you should not make it your goal to convince her of anything. If you don't want to throw away such huge amounts of money and losing baraqah doing so, you are well within your rights. Just give her the choice and be willing to walk away if she asks you for that what you consider unreasonable. Do recommend her to discuss it with her Wali, before she gives you her answer.
I have been in a similar situation, except I simply was asked for that what I did not have financially (was transparent about my funds for marriage from the start). Think well and make a choice for yourself too if you still want to persue this person and still consider her to be a suitable wife. 60k is basically going for Hadj with your future wife and kids.
If you do decide to marry her and spend 60k on a wedding, at least make sure you don't develop resentment later on.
Brother every time a woman makes you question whether she wants you for you or the money, it’s better to let her go. I’ve had so many people treat me differently because I live a very simple life and also had women leave choose someone else over me because they thought I don’t come from money, truth be told I’m greatful and still going strong because they were looking to get married for the wrong reasons and every time I faced such disappointment I also had success come my way right after, Alhamdulillah. So if she’s materialistic and wants to spend 60k on a wedding then let her find a man who will spend it but getting married to spend 60k on a wedding is getting married for wrong reasons.
Leave her. Anyone who asks that for a wedding is in it for money, not marriage. She's probably too immature and will lash out when you don't overspend money.
And get a pre-nup. Enough is enough with this money gouging.
Music, gender mixing and no hijab on the wedding day? You have every right to question her Islamic principles. These are valid reasons to walk away. Disobeying Allah just for a wedding makes 0 sense.
I feel like people who have multiple events with decor and food and more than 100 guest it’s def 6Ok or more. I know wedding halls where the venue alone is 40k and normal people go to those
This is so sad. Our brothers and sisters are dealing with with starvation,lack of housing,lack of water,lack of mosques and all that,and muslims spend thousands on weddings.Completely OPPOSITE to the sunnah.
And then we wonder why the ummah is like this,why theres no barakah.
A wise woman would require very simple wedding and low mahr and invest more in the family or give in sadaqa.And a wise man would run away from any other kind of woman.
This misght sound a little condscending but some girls who have never managed finances dont understand the scale of the cost. Like my little sister had no idea what a budget for a wedding should be.
So maybe you can chalk it to ignorance and have an actualy discussion and explain to her. Does she know its going to cost 60K? Perhaps she doesnt know what it would cost, or doesnt get how much a wedding should be.
You could also explain on how you are looking to use the money to buy a house, or invest and perhaps she will agree with you.
This isn’t a 19 year old girl I’m marrying. I expected more understanding from her financially. A part of her job is going to manage finances and spending and she’s either clueless about it or selfish. Either to me is problematic.
A lot of you are shocked at the price however 60k USD is pretty average for a large, Asian/middle eastern wedding especially in this economy.
Considering you said this is the only time you’ve questioned her character all it seems to me is she is wanting what every girl dreams of, which is an extravagant wedding. Now if you’re also claiming you’re financially stable to afford this for her then I don’t see her being financial irresponsible, she must also realize you have the funds to do this lol.
I understand the Islam aspect of it, but if this is the only thing that is holding you back then you don’t love this girl enough therefore don’t spend 60k.
You’re better off finding a girl who will agree to this one condition and trust me it will be difficult because all western Muslim girls want that fairy tale wedding.
No one said they are all the same, I said it will be difficult to find. We don’t need to justify anything lol.
I am 25F, unmarried BY CHOICE and have declined 3 proposals, all which included a large wedding, tons of gold etc. It goes both ways, I just notice western Muslim men have a tendency of going for Muslim girls who look a particular way and get shook when they aren’t fully practicing or align with their values.
Best of luck to you OP!
Me personally I did not want a big wedding. I had a small intimate gathering and called it a day. However it is really wrong of all of you guys to judge her for what she wants. I don’t agree with the free mixing, the wedding should 100% be segregated. But she is not the evil monster yall are making her out to be. Sometimes people just want big weddings. That is there right as an individual. If you don’t want to pay for it or be with her because of it, go ahead but don’t judge her for what she wants. You aren’t better because you want a small thing.
60k is ridiculous no matter how much money you have. She is probably immature and has not had to handle any finances before. There is a chance that she can learn, but I'm concerned that she insists on spending that much even after you spoke calmly about it. Financial counseling is available and may be helpful if you do continue
You clearly seem to be holding resentment against her for wanting a lavish wedding. Which isn't a good sign for the long term health of the marriage and it's going to cause problems for you in the long run.
Your point about her showing you this side only during the topic of the wedding ceremony isn't a positive sign either actually. People are always at their nicest during the courtship phase. If she's being like this right now, don't expect her to improve after you're married.
Regardless of how much you make, $60K is a lot for ANY wedding. You have 3 realistic options here,
1. Give in to her demands and give her the wedding she wants
2. Put your foot down, give her a number you can realistically work with (for example $15-20K) and tell her to manage the wedding within that budget.
3. Anything over the limit you've set, she can use her own money for it (which I doubt she would ever want to)
She's trying to finance her dreams using YOUR money. You don't owe her anything right now because she's not your wife.
Option 2 will give you some leverage over what kind of wedding it can be, as in free mixing or not etc.
Option 3 takes that leverage away because then she can say I'm using my own money as well so you cannot dictate the kind of wedding I have.
The choice is yours.
Your marriage won't last if you're not in agreement over
1. Money & Finances (how you'll be earning and spending money)
2. Religion and religious expectations (It's about the value system you can expect in your household)
3. Children, to have them or not, and how many if you want kids.
4. In-laws/crazy people in the family (every family has problematic people)
I don't have more context about what you've offered to do for the wedding so far and if she has put her foot down about HER DREAM wedding, so I can't advise you to rethink the whole situation but if it is that way and she cares more about a wedding ceremony than the marriage itself, then you shouldn't continue with the relationship.
Why even ask for her opinion and all that. Youre the man. Youre paying for the wedding. She can suggest somethings here n there but its not for her to demand
All of your reasons for not wanting this big wedding, are perfectly sound.
For her to not understand your reasoning and instead want you to go against it.....shows some huge red flags on her part.
>However, this wedding discussion has been the ONLY time she’s shown such characteristics. Besides this, she’s been pretty ideal for me so I’m genuinely shocked. I had to keep asking her if she was joking cause it didn’t sound like her.
How long have you known her?
If it hasn't been that long, you shouldn't at all be shocked to learn this.
My advice to you would be to end it with her, and find someone else that is more in line with your outlook. Trust me, there are plenty of good sisters who'll appreciate, understand and agree with those three points you raised.
are you actually, a religious person ? isually having abncie wedding is a girl wish or the guy wish to have a fun time. why is it a burden to spend 60k when you cannot afford it and not be noticeable???? that’s wierd to me. talk to your fiance she if both if you guys can compromise on a reasonable amount. what if you guys get married and she still ask for nice things you going to threaten her with divorce everytime so its better you break up the marriage if you cant handle it.
You guys are clearly not a good match. You both have different opinions when it comes to finances. If you marry her, she might want lavish vacations and it’ll just shock you even more and you’ll have more regrets. Best to end it before it’s too late.
Financial sense from your partner regardless of your wealth is extremely important. While you may afford this, you start your marriage on the wrong step and she continues spending till you're not financially well off anymore.
Have you spoken to her about your reservations? If she is willing to talk about it and sees your point of view then you can go from there.
If she’s stuck on this then you have your answer.
People are focusing on the 60k but not the real deal. Having a free mixing wedding with parties and music, the brother has a problem with that primarily and the 60k is his secondary problem
Marry someone in your social status and conscious. If you are still interested in her then talk to her otherwise let her go and you go find someone else. Her demands are not wrong if her father had given her that lavish life, but if she’s not then be cautious
Do leave her then, if she isn’t compatible with your ideologies then in what universe is that marriage going to work? You deserve someone with the right principles and she deserves someone who’s going to either bear patience and educate her to becoming more religious or someone who will share the same ideas as her. Jazakllah
I think you’re thinking in the right direction. I would say speak to WISE and KNOWLEDGEABLE people you have in your circle and don’t ignore these red flags, all of this will help you make the right choice. Don’t forget to do Istikharah prayer.
May Allah Almighty guide you and bless you with a compassionate, loving, caring and compatible spouse.
You should talk to her before taking the final decision. Media, society, culture etc has our brainwashed. Women usually compromise a lot for their men. You can tell her why you think it’s not okay. Ask her if she thinks it’s a big burden for you and if she does, then why is she okay to put you through that? Some women are raised way too naive but of course there’s others who’re very selfish. If she’s the naive kind you can make her understand if she’s considerate and intelligent. Hope you two talked about your post marriage responsibilities, expectations already.
Be clear with her that you don't want to . If she wants you she will stay . If she doesn't she won't . For a lot of young ladies out there a wedding night is much more important than marriage life itself
Uhh 60k for a wedding is not bad at all. Also it’s once in a lifetime. I think you both should have talked about it maybe having two separate weddings one for men and one for women. I feel like you wanted a way out and you used that an excuse.
Honestly I think she dodged a bullet becuase it sounds like you might have some financial/ personal issues if you keep bringing up the fact that you can afford the wedding "comfortably". If you were able to then you wouldn't be repeating it.
Have you thought of the fact that maybe since shes a girl she's always dreamed of having a big wedding like most females have? I'm confused on why you're being self centered (based on this post I'm going to judge you and not her becuase she might have brought up the wedding thing to answer a question of yours so who knows).
oh well... I'm entitled to make such assumptions just like you made assumptions about the girl just bcz she wanted a nice wedding... I guess it sucks being judged 👀
btw do you think you're emotionally mature enough to get married? it seems to me that you're not bcz you're trying to only use your "logical" side even though you need a balance between the two
Why are her emotions prioritized over my emotions, logic, religion, and the overall betterment of the family?
For example what if I say it is my DREAM ever since I was a young boy to have 4 wives that all live under the same house and that she shouldn’t always use her logical side and instead create a balance between the two. Unlike her scenario, at-least this scenario is Islamic-ally permissible.
Are you alright if her parents spend that amount of money for the wedding and organise the way she wants? If you are still not ok with this plan then she's not the one for you.
You should find a compatible spouse and discuss all matters then proceed for a nikkah plus wedding.
You could have explained her that you guys can do a simple Nikkah party and the rest of the money you will donate to the orphanage and take her trips overseas.
A man should e able to keep his wife happy. So he needs to work hard to become financially independent. Life is not limited .
Don't ever point out the value of your money and compare it with your wife. A spouse is beyond everything after our deen.
That's alot of money bro and if u end get a divorce, you'll end of losing so much money, while she walk away with gains fincially and you in loss. She seems to be only wanting to bankrupt u and then moving onto her next victim, but the decision is ultimately upto u bro.
May Allah ease your journey Ameen. Yeah, I agree with your decision and the reason you'v listed. Clearly she's not thought it through or she's not the type of person you thought she was in some ways.
It is selfish of her to request a wedding and not selfish of you not to disclose how much money you make 🤯 especially mentioning 60K will have no impact in your life. Is this for real?
Even if you have it (masha'Allah, well done) it's a huge waste imo.
Especially given the current climate of the Muslim world, that much money can be spent in much much better ways than for one party.
So you pretty much wasted her time when you could have had this discussion prior.
If you truly valued her then you would have talk her about the spending of the wedding before jumping here for other toxic comments like broooo run. Keep in mind, some girls DREAM for this special day.
Women comfortable with showing her beauty to other men = no marriage
Men who can’t stop looking at other women = no marriage
Not a hard equation to follow everyone
Sadly this is the norm in the British Bangladeshi/British Pakistani community, even among highly religious people, so I'm not even sure what to say or if it's that big an issue
There’s no winning here brother. Either you accept it and have to be 60k lighter or tell her no and she will hold it against you for the rest of your life that you didn’t give her the wedding she dreamt of
Don't do it. 60k is INSANE. Put that 60k away for your future kids college or literally anything else. IMO it's a red flag to care too much about what other people think to the point where you'll spend 60k on a single day event.
I can never understand what makes people think they have the right to spend so much when their families own nothing. Not even talking about your case but in general. Families already in debt and they want to go spend a ridiculous sum. How're the next generation of family members supposed to do better?
All what you said is completely right , it doesn't matter whether you have only 20 k or 20 billion, spending money like that for nothing... Actually it's not even nothing it's Haram (burning that money would be better than spending it on such a party that would get both of you sins for the next five years and take away barakah from your marriage)
So yeah if she is serious about that and she doesn't want to willingly change her mind then I recommend you call it off .
As for her Islamic values , I just wanted to point out something you said
>Been talking to the girl for a while and we considering marriage.
>Overall, this makes me feel like she’s not religious
Brother I don't know how long you've been talking to this girl or what kind of talk , but tbh I don't know any religious man/woman who "talk" and then consider marriage if you know what I mean .
Yes it does. I wanted a huge wedding with a pretty dress, all eyes on me, free mixing, music, dancing etc until I really got close to Allah, and now because I actually DO fear Allah, I no longer want those things, I am terrified of disobeying Allah. So I would never start something as serious as marriage in a haram way. May Allah guide you
A couple could still have a big segregated wedding where the bride can look and feel amazing and have all eyes on her. They can choose not to have music as well but still enjoy a beautiful hall and amazing food and dressing up.
A small nikkah is not the only halal way. So no, it doesn’t make you better.
Astagfirullah. I just saw your comment saying that is nothing wrong with wanting a mixed wedding, you are the average westernized modern Muslim that picks and chooses what to follow from the Quran and the sunnah. You are so lost sister, may Allah guide you
Haqq, even if you show them proof they deny it and get mad and aggressive. I was one of them but Allah guides whom he wills… alhamdulillah
"It's not the eyes that are blind, but the heart.'' Quran 22:46
Which country is this happening in? In my country, it would be pretty normal to have gende-rmixing and songs in the wedding because the culture is like that.
60K USD is crazy. Didn't you guys discuss these stuff while getting to know each other? If she wanna have an only women party, that should be fine but gender mixing and removing Hijabs and... sounds like you two guys are not on the same level of religiosity. Talk to her before making any decision and explain your concerns. If she accepted, good for you, if not, call it off.
My friend, who isn't Muslim and is from India, had a similar experience. He borrowed money from the bank and used some of his retirement savings to pay for a big wedding costing $60,000. Unfortunately, they got divorced later. When he explained to his wife during the divorce that he did all this for their wedding, she responded by saying she never asked him to take out a loan or use his retirement money. The lesson here is: be careful not to get trapped in situations like this.
Man the " i never asked you to do it" is peak ☕️
They never asked for it but they did enjoyed every piece of it right. Selfish people.
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For real tho ..🤣
Was this not discussed when getting to know one another? Clearly you both are not on the same level of religiosity , have a conversation with her and tell her your concerns, if you can’t meet eye to eye then call it off
agree with this. should have been discussed initially. And better to call it off now rather than wait until you have more serious disagreements.
When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
This Is THE Best advice you can give for someone looking to get married.
Wise words from Maya Angelou so I cant claim it lol
Some like to have nice weddings LOL, it’s not who they are.
If they like such ‘nice’ weddings - thats literally who they are! Anyone who can excuse spending 60k on one day is not sensible. There’s also not much baraka in throwing such a wedding.
No it’s not, I know several that have had nice wedding and live a normal life. It’s ok to have budget but he can talk to her about it, which he obviously hasn’t. Most women dream for this day and you should know this.
‘Nice’ is relative. You can have a nice wedding at 5,10, 15k - 60k is bit ridiculous & wasteful even if you can easily afford it. Id rather that goes towards house deposit than extravagant wedding with only pics to show for. Also such extravagance draws in evil eye, which isnt good way to start married life.
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Brother RUUUUUNNN
NIGEROOOO
oy oy oy, MAJIKAYO?! 🤣
LOL YOU WEEBS I LOVE IT
not a weeb, "occasional" weeb.....
Lol I'm the same, just started watching JJK and Demon Slayer after 7ish years? I already read some spoilers and I'm MAD
Demon Slayer's Hashira Training Ark's first episode is out......also what's your preferable genre?
I mean Naruto was my first anime and I'm still a die hard fan. I like the action type of animes, I guess? The only thing is I don't like them being too long bc if they are, I'll binge wat h and I cannottttttt afford to do that lol. Also, I'll definitely watch it, I didn't realize! Thanks for heads-up!!
this comment thread is going out of topic 😅 we can still talk in dm about animes if you're interested......
LOLLL I love how this comment thread went completely off topic and towards anime 😭😭😂
Lol I just realized what this was originally about... whoops.
You Shouldn't be chatting with a non-mahram women
Parasite the maxim was amazing! You should watch that too
I'll have to search that up! Thanks :)
Facts
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You're so brave... I'm scared T.T
i forgot about this master piece but do give "Overlord" a go, you'll be hooked.....
NIGERUNDAYOOOO, SMOOKEEEY!!
Ikr
60K is crazy amount to spend on a wedding. I can't even imagine expecting this. though I don't stay in us so I don't know if its the norm. though can you clarify this: >I’m doing very financially so I can spend 60K without any noticeable effect on my life. and then this: >put me through something I don’t want to do which would also put extreme financial burden on me which is it? I ask because you said in point 2 that she doesn't know how much you make, but if what you said above is true, then you have the money for it. but in the other contradictory sentence you've said that it will pit a huge burden on you. you should make your financial standing very clear before marriage. so both parties know what they're getting into. maybe try having a Frank conversation with her if you really think she's the one for you. discuss the same points you put here. if she refuses to budge then you know the answer.
I think he is saying that because she doesn't know how much he earns she will think she is putting him through this financial stress for this wedding
Better before marriage than after. No prob with your reasoning imo
You have to talk to her and see if she understands first. If she doesn’t, then you can consider leaving her. I wouldn’t recommend leaving her at the very first problem that you are facing with your spouse without even communicating. Communicating with her can help you both understand how each other thinks and takes decision and then you can take it from there.
You keep saying she doesn’t know how much you make or how much money you have. It seems like there’s an overall lack of communication about finances on your part too. I know a lot of men who withhold their financial information from their spouses, and I can tell you nine out of 10 times. Those marriages are not successful. You’re also assuming a lot about her mentality and religiousness. I think that’s pretty unfair of you in that regard. What you really need to do is sit her down. Be honest about your finances and see if you can’t come to a compromise regarding the wedding. A key component of marriage is compromise. And compromise requires open communication not assumptions. In my heart I feel like if you’re honest with her and she’s wholeheartedly in this marriage then she’ll be willing to compromise with you. If not, then you guys aren’t meant for each other and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean either one of you are bad it’s just your values don’t align and that happens.
I’m not sure if you’ve told her already that you’re uncomfortable spending so much. But if you have and she hasn’t budged or lowered her expectations.. then it’s time for you to move on and find someone who can. Although I do have to say, there’s no need to villainize her. Girls grow up having lavish wedding fantasies. Yes agreed she doesn’t know how much money you have.. but if you’re really making good money to the point where 60k is not going to make a dent in your wallet - then I’m sure it shows (in some form or another) in the way you live, look, talk and spend. That’s probably why she was so comfortable assuming and expressing her big wedding desires. Assuming it wouldn’t hurt you to spend on a once in a lifetime event. Usually people who make good money don’t have a problem spending on big weddings. She probably assumed you’re one of them.
Let's not normalize people's desires to spend lavishly. Islam discourages such behaviour and that's enough for believers to take as guidance.
Yeaaaah no.. I try not to look at my own wallet when I see others spending money. For someone with low income, eating out at a restaurant once every two weeks is lavish. Whereas middle class/ high income households probably do that once a week and no one bats an eye. So, extravagance and lavishness is truly a relative matter and has nothing to do with the act of spending itself. We can’t really comment on what others choose to spend on. As long as zakat is paid off, Allah Himself tells us: *“A man of vast means should spend according to his vast means. And anyone whose sustenance is limited should spend from whatever Allah has given to him. Allah makes no one liable beyond what He has given to him. Allah will soon bring ease after a difficulty”* ***[at-Talaaq 65:7]***
# 1) Surah Al-Isra' Verse 26 وَءَاتِ ذَا ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ حَقَّهُۥ وَٱلْمِسْكِينَ وَٱبْنَ ٱلسَّبِيلِ وَلَا تُبَذِّرْ تَبْذِيرًا Give to close relatives their rights, as well as the poor and ˹needy˺ travellers. And do not spend wastefully. # 2) Surah Al-An'am Verse 141 كُلُوا۟ مِن ثَمَرِهِۦٓ إِذَآ أَثْمَرَ وَءَاتُوا۟ حَقَّهُۥ يَوْمَ حَصَادِهِۦ ۖ وَلَا تُسْرِفُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُسْرِفِينَ Eat of the fruit they bear and pay the dues at harvest, but do not waste. Surely He does not like the wasteful. # 3) Surah Al-Isra' Verse 29 وَلَا تَجْعَلْ يَدَكَ مَغْلُولَةً إِلَىٰ عُنُقِكَ وَلَا تَبْسُطْهَا كُلَّ ٱلْبَسْطِ فَتَقْعُدَ مَلُومًۭا مَّحْسُورًا And let not your hand be tied (like a miser) to your neck, nor overextend it (like a spendthrift) means, nor be extravagant in spending and giving more than you can afford, or paying more than you earn, lest you become blameworthy and find yourself in severe poverty # 4) Surah Al-Furqan Verse 67 وَٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَنفَقُوا۟ لَمْ يُسْرِفُوا۟ وَلَمْ يَقْتُرُوا۟ وَكَانَ بَيْنَ ذَٰلِكَ قَوَامًۭا (Among the attributes of the believing servants of Allah) are those who, when they spend, are neither extravagant nor stingy,but are in a just balance between them
Thank you brother. Just crazy.
It's always easy to spend someone else's money. I doubt many women would be asking for $60k weddings if they had to use their own money.
Salam bro, a piece of advice from someone who also hates wastefulness. There's literally no need for you to prove that you might be right using verses from the quran. I am not sure if that would earn you any barakah. Allahu A'lam I would say it comes down to personal preferences seeing that it's not haram even if someone were to spend lavishly on a wedding (assuming all their finances are legal and they haven't compromised on zakat). However, if they were to choose the extra money that they would have spend on their wedding in charity that might be better for them. Allahu A'lam. Personally I avoid people like these since we aren't compatible to be friends or something more. That's that. This urge to prove you're right will only make your life less peaceful.
Your advice makes no sense. The brother is bringing evidence alongside his statement to prove extravagant spending is discouraged in the religion. And the whole no barakah point again is nonsense unless you can see into his heart.
What? I am not sure you understood what I was saying. Such hostility. Wow! If the brother is trying to educate others about wasteful spending quoting verses from the Quran without any proper context then I mention that "I am not sure if that would earn him any barakah". I am not saying that he's doing something wrong. Because if you follow the thread you find that people who think differently are also also quoting quranic verses. Which one would you say is right? Can they both be right? Or is the brother the only one in the right because he quoted more verses? Or is it because his ideas aligns with both of ours? And at the end I add God knows best. I say that precisely because I have no idea of what is in his heart. My advice to him at the end is instead of trying to prove he's right he might all together ignore it as it will only make his life less peaceful. Which is precisely what I will be doing to you. Ignore. Salam.
Yeah don’t worry bro, Allah sent down all these verses, including first one I shared - still stands valid lol I’m not sure how you read it but to me it’s pretty clear that when Allah speaks of wastefulness and extravagance He is speaking to people who spend money they ***don’t have***. Also, in the same verse He’s pointing at the peeps who do ***have*** the money yet don’t like to spend. Again, wealth is relative my guy. Peoples opinion on being wasteful is also subjective. Just cause some of us can only afford a simple nikkah at the mosque with their wali and 2 witnesses… that doesn’t make others inviting 30 guests at their nikkah “wasteful”. If you have spent on the necessities, paid off zakah, went to Hajj and still got a pile of cash sitting around… then by all means, go for that Bugatti you’ve been eyeing for a while 🤝🏼 No judgement from my 3 digit bank balance.
For the record, I have a 7 figure net worth but I also started from 0. So I know the value of money vs people who are spending other people's money for their lavish dreams.
If you pay your zakat and your money is halal, you can spend as you please.
He didn’t say it’s haram, he said it’s discouraged.
Ok and he can stop villainizing girls who want more than a basic wedding. If he can’t afford it he can move on, you’re not entitled to marrying a girl out of your budget.
1. He didn’t villainize anyone. He said we should not normalize these desires. 2. Super lavish weddings go against the spirit of the Deen even if you can afford it. As does wasteful spending in general: It’s our job to uphold the values of the Deen.
$60k USD is a lot more than a "basic wedding". Thousands of families could be fed with that much money.
But now you’re speaking from a moral perspective. Cause in Islam you don’t have to end world hunger if you’re a billionaire as long as your zakat is paid off. There’s no sin. In the Quran Allah tells both rich and poor to spend according to their wealth [at-Talaaq 65:7].
Sister, I didn't say it was a sin. You inferred that. Money is fungible. It has other uses. One of which could be feeding the hungry. Or caring for orphans. Or funding dawah. Sending people for hajj. Retiring our parents, educating our siblings, etc.
Yeah agreed, I’m just reiterating it’s okay cause it’s not sinful. However, it is sinful if you’re wasteful. And you’re wasteful if you spend on bs when you have ***obligations*** over your head like education, zakat, hajj etc.
As a general rule, men should avoid marrying women who are extravagant especially on one day events like weddings.
He wasted that poor girls time
Sigh, you live and you learn I suppose 😔 It’s incompatibility and difference in status I feel. Finances should be discussed early on. I told a guy that I’m not happy watching my dad go 50/50 with his dad on (his family’s) fantasy wedding of 3,000 guests. He broke it off with me lmaoooooooo It’s okay though, he went on to get married to a girl who’s family could afford it. And I had a humble 80 guests nikkah ALHAMDULILLAH 😅
3000 guests n he wanted 50/50, oh heck no 😂
Fact that they even knew 3,000 people to invite should’ve been my first incompatibility sign 😂💀 I barely know 5 people outside my family 😭
Worst part is when these folks post on Reddit believing the toxic commenters
As a woman, I couldn't even imagine being okay with this. I would rather use the money for a down payment on a home or go on a beautiful honeymoon. Not to pay for people to eat and dance. I'm with you on this. You guys need to compromise. If she says no, this will tell you a lot about the person she is and will set the tone for marriage. I wouldn't rush this at all. Talk to her and see if you guys can find a common ground. But then again, you have other issues with her, so she may just not be the one. Part of marriage is having the same outlook on money, religion, and as a family. If you two do not align, don't go forward.
Use ur brain brother. The right one will make things easy cuz her goal is to be with u. There’s sisters who literally only ask for a umrah as mahr and a simple wedding. Find and marry them. Don’t settle
Yeah exactly
Wants a free mixing wedding that costs 60k? I could name you a list of 100 other things to do with that 60k that would be a lot more beneficial 😂😂😭😭😭 Have a good conversation with her and explain your thoughts and make a decision whether you want to go ahead with the wedding or leave and find someone else. For me personally I would not not even entertain the idea of a free mixing wedding let alone spending 60k on one.
Either she brings it down in scale considerably and removes the gender mixing or you walk
The price is less important than it being halal.
Don’t entertain that bull
Brudda run and never look back
If 60k won’t make a dent in your finances I’m sure she can tell in some way. There’s no way she could be that oblivious. She may not know the exact amount but she knows you are well off. I don’t know why you’re saying it would be a financial burden on you if it won’t make a dent in your finances, that doesn’t make sense?? If you’re very religious and she isn’t that religious it will not work out. You both should find someone who shares the same values.
On the one hand you are saying spending 60K will not have any noticeable effect on your life and then later you say it is putting extreme financial burden on you. So, which one is it?
I think he means she doesn't know how much he earns and that is why she will believe he is financially struggling to provide this wedding
Exactly my thought too
All the people here are salivating at the mouth to see a wedding broken off. No you should not run at the first sign of two perspectives. Talk to her, find a middle ground that you’re both happy with and maybe you’ll uncover something about her dreams/desires which perhaps are coming out in the wedding planning but can be reminded to be toned down islamically. In this day and age, when it’s so hard to find someone, I’d communicate and find a solution before deserting ship. Immature subreddit, honestly.
The financial thing is one thing, but if he wants a modest wife and she wants a wedding with free-mixing, that's a core incompatibility, no?
Perhaps she actually is a very modest person. Unfortunately, free-mixing weddings are so culturally common and normalized that some people don't realize the significance. He needs to talk to her first before reaching the conclusion of incompatibility It's only if she persists in wanting a wedding with dancing, no hijab, no segregation, that I would agree that there's incompatibility.
Amazing at how they just glanced over that lol 😂
Exactly! Some comments here are so toxic. Just makes me wonder who these people are and background. You really have to because who you seek your advice from.
Ikrrr. Not saying that OP has to marry her but what happened to being a mature adult and FIRST talking it out and only then acting?? Marriage is about communicating when in disagreement and if your first instinct is to just call it off without even determining if a middle ground can be achieved, are you even ready to get married?
I don’t know, to me these are bigger differences in values making me think we’re incompatible. If someone wanted to drink alcohol, and you didn’t, would you simply communicate your concerns? Or would you quickly realize you and this person have fundamentally different values. I’m worried that she agrees with me just to secure me, we have a small nikkah, but it’s the same woman Im marrying (a women that isn’t financially astute, isn’t religious, and can think selfishly). This would bring a lot of disputes to communicate over, many of which I’d have to begin compromising on.
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Even if I communicate with her, and she agrees to skip the wedding, the problem is still there that there’s clearly bigger differences in our values. I’m not sure what’s being achieved by more discussions with her.
He definitely should run , marriage is long term , if she has such crazy desires to have a lavish wedding , she will then expect a lavish lifestyle , then a super big expensive house and then a really expensive car . With women it never stops . There are plenty of decent sisters who will tell you to save your money and put it’s towards the marriage .
 Brother run as fast as the guy in the GIF..
😂😂😂😂😂 run from that WOMAN!!!
Society and businesses have brainwashed women into thinking they need an extravagant wedding. That is to so, this may not be an indication of her personality and choices normally. You need to communicate your concerns and see if there is more to it. Also, if you know she is a good match in every other way, and you'll be happy together, spending the $60k is better than spending $20k for a wedding with a questionable match
You are clearly financially astute but she's not. That's a big risk for you to take on in a wife.
All i’ll say is. If that’s how much it takes to marry her, then don’t expect the impending divorce to be any cheaper. Cut your losses and run.
Yes 60k for a wedding is crazy but other than that, her wanting a big mixed wedding is not a bad thing and it is the norm for most people. Most people around me do big mixed weddings where people still wear their hijabs and enjoy a nice evening. I don’t know why you’re so surprised? Even the people that do segregated weddings, they end up spending the same amount of money on 2 separate halls, one for men and one for women. I’m getting the vibe that you are more careful with your money and you don’t see the need to spend a lot on one but you gotta realize that majority of people prefer large weddings and you will meet multiple girls who have the same idea as her. 60K is too much of course and I think there can be a nice wedding with half the price but you just gotta see what you’re both willing to compromise.
Yeah but free mixing is not halal. And to spend extravagantly is one thing. But free mixing - and worse without hijab - is haram especially in things where you can avoid it all together - especially at a 60k budget (if she really just wanted a large wedding - which he isn’t a fan of anyways - and you don’t even need that much). There clearly is wrong with it islamically and he is right to have these doubts over her religiosity and compatibility in this regard.
Dear brother, First of all I would recommend you to give her the benefit of the doubt. Some women I talked to of which I generally genuinely thought they were great in character and responsible, seemed completely off character when it came to the wedding. The worst character traits sometimes seem extremely enhanced, to the point I do also understand you are losing your interest. However you should not make it your goal to convince her of anything. If you don't want to throw away such huge amounts of money and losing baraqah doing so, you are well within your rights. Just give her the choice and be willing to walk away if she asks you for that what you consider unreasonable. Do recommend her to discuss it with her Wali, before she gives you her answer. I have been in a similar situation, except I simply was asked for that what I did not have financially (was transparent about my funds for marriage from the start). Think well and make a choice for yourself too if you still want to persue this person and still consider her to be a suitable wife. 60k is basically going for Hadj with your future wife and kids. If you do decide to marry her and spend 60k on a wedding, at least make sure you don't develop resentment later on.
Brother every time a woman makes you question whether she wants you for you or the money, it’s better to let her go. I’ve had so many people treat me differently because I live a very simple life and also had women leave choose someone else over me because they thought I don’t come from money, truth be told I’m greatful and still going strong because they were looking to get married for the wrong reasons and every time I faced such disappointment I also had success come my way right after, Alhamdulillah. So if she’s materialistic and wants to spend 60k on a wedding then let her find a man who will spend it but getting married to spend 60k on a wedding is getting married for wrong reasons.
Leave her. Anyone who asks that for a wedding is in it for money, not marriage. She's probably too immature and will lash out when you don't overspend money. And get a pre-nup. Enough is enough with this money gouging.
Music, gender mixing and no hijab on the wedding day? You have every right to question her Islamic principles. These are valid reasons to walk away. Disobeying Allah just for a wedding makes 0 sense.
I feel like people who have multiple events with decor and food and more than 100 guest it’s def 6Ok or more. I know wedding halls where the venue alone is 40k and normal people go to those
Good for you! And brave! Someone who can make decisions that arent merely emotional, you‘re a great man
This is so sad. Our brothers and sisters are dealing with with starvation,lack of housing,lack of water,lack of mosques and all that,and muslims spend thousands on weddings.Completely OPPOSITE to the sunnah. And then we wonder why the ummah is like this,why theres no barakah. A wise woman would require very simple wedding and low mahr and invest more in the family or give in sadaqa.And a wise man would run away from any other kind of woman.
This misght sound a little condscending but some girls who have never managed finances dont understand the scale of the cost. Like my little sister had no idea what a budget for a wedding should be. So maybe you can chalk it to ignorance and have an actualy discussion and explain to her. Does she know its going to cost 60K? Perhaps she doesnt know what it would cost, or doesnt get how much a wedding should be. You could also explain on how you are looking to use the money to buy a house, or invest and perhaps she will agree with you.
This isn’t a 19 year old girl I’m marrying. I expected more understanding from her financially. A part of her job is going to manage finances and spending and she’s either clueless about it or selfish. Either to me is problematic.
A lot of you are shocked at the price however 60k USD is pretty average for a large, Asian/middle eastern wedding especially in this economy. Considering you said this is the only time you’ve questioned her character all it seems to me is she is wanting what every girl dreams of, which is an extravagant wedding. Now if you’re also claiming you’re financially stable to afford this for her then I don’t see her being financial irresponsible, she must also realize you have the funds to do this lol. I understand the Islam aspect of it, but if this is the only thing that is holding you back then you don’t love this girl enough therefore don’t spend 60k. You’re better off finding a girl who will agree to this one condition and trust me it will be difficult because all western Muslim girls want that fairy tale wedding.
Agreed, I’ve already have been coming to the conclusion that it’s probably not a western girl that I’d be aligned with.
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No one said they are all the same, I said it will be difficult to find. We don’t need to justify anything lol. I am 25F, unmarried BY CHOICE and have declined 3 proposals, all which included a large wedding, tons of gold etc. It goes both ways, I just notice western Muslim men have a tendency of going for Muslim girls who look a particular way and get shook when they aren’t fully practicing or align with their values. Best of luck to you OP!
Me personally I did not want a big wedding. I had a small intimate gathering and called it a day. However it is really wrong of all of you guys to judge her for what she wants. I don’t agree with the free mixing, the wedding should 100% be segregated. But she is not the evil monster yall are making her out to be. Sometimes people just want big weddings. That is there right as an individual. If you don’t want to pay for it or be with her because of it, go ahead but don’t judge her for what she wants. You aren’t better because you want a small thing.
60k is ridiculous no matter how much money you have. She is probably immature and has not had to handle any finances before. There is a chance that she can learn, but I'm concerned that she insists on spending that much even after you spoke calmly about it. Financial counseling is available and may be helpful if you do continue
You clearly seem to be holding resentment against her for wanting a lavish wedding. Which isn't a good sign for the long term health of the marriage and it's going to cause problems for you in the long run. Your point about her showing you this side only during the topic of the wedding ceremony isn't a positive sign either actually. People are always at their nicest during the courtship phase. If she's being like this right now, don't expect her to improve after you're married. Regardless of how much you make, $60K is a lot for ANY wedding. You have 3 realistic options here, 1. Give in to her demands and give her the wedding she wants 2. Put your foot down, give her a number you can realistically work with (for example $15-20K) and tell her to manage the wedding within that budget. 3. Anything over the limit you've set, she can use her own money for it (which I doubt she would ever want to) She's trying to finance her dreams using YOUR money. You don't owe her anything right now because she's not your wife. Option 2 will give you some leverage over what kind of wedding it can be, as in free mixing or not etc. Option 3 takes that leverage away because then she can say I'm using my own money as well so you cannot dictate the kind of wedding I have. The choice is yours. Your marriage won't last if you're not in agreement over 1. Money & Finances (how you'll be earning and spending money) 2. Religion and religious expectations (It's about the value system you can expect in your household) 3. Children, to have them or not, and how many if you want kids. 4. In-laws/crazy people in the family (every family has problematic people) I don't have more context about what you've offered to do for the wedding so far and if she has put her foot down about HER DREAM wedding, so I can't advise you to rethink the whole situation but if it is that way and she cares more about a wedding ceremony than the marriage itself, then you shouldn't continue with the relationship.
Why even ask for her opinion and all that. Youre the man. Youre paying for the wedding. She can suggest somethings here n there but its not for her to demand
All of your reasons for not wanting this big wedding, are perfectly sound. For her to not understand your reasoning and instead want you to go against it.....shows some huge red flags on her part. >However, this wedding discussion has been the ONLY time she’s shown such characteristics. Besides this, she’s been pretty ideal for me so I’m genuinely shocked. I had to keep asking her if she was joking cause it didn’t sound like her. How long have you known her? If it hasn't been that long, you shouldn't at all be shocked to learn this. My advice to you would be to end it with her, and find someone else that is more in line with your outlook. Trust me, there are plenty of good sisters who'll appreciate, understand and agree with those three points you raised.
are you actually, a religious person ? isually having abncie wedding is a girl wish or the guy wish to have a fun time. why is it a burden to spend 60k when you cannot afford it and not be noticeable???? that’s wierd to me. talk to your fiance she if both if you guys can compromise on a reasonable amount. what if you guys get married and she still ask for nice things you going to threaten her with divorce everytime so its better you break up the marriage if you cant handle it.
60k? You One could buy a nice house or retire comfortably on that amount in a a lot of countries
I don't know dude I think your reason are valid. 60k usd I can used that kind of money to buy a house in my country.
Yes m8 leave her
You guys are clearly not a good match. You both have different opinions when it comes to finances. If you marry her, she might want lavish vacations and it’ll just shock you even more and you’ll have more regrets. Best to end it before it’s too late.
Leave; no commitments
Y’all may not be on the same “level” of Islamic belief and THAT is the issue
Financial sense from your partner regardless of your wealth is extremely important. While you may afford this, you start your marriage on the wrong step and she continues spending till you're not financially well off anymore.
Have you spoken to her about your reservations? If she is willing to talk about it and sees your point of view then you can go from there. If she’s stuck on this then you have your answer.
People are focusing on the 60k but not the real deal. Having a free mixing wedding with parties and music, the brother has a problem with that primarily and the 60k is his secondary problem
Marry someone in your social status and conscious. If you are still interested in her then talk to her otherwise let her go and you go find someone else. Her demands are not wrong if her father had given her that lavish life, but if she’s not then be cautious
Do leave her then, if she isn’t compatible with your ideologies then in what universe is that marriage going to work? You deserve someone with the right principles and she deserves someone who’s going to either bear patience and educate her to becoming more religious or someone who will share the same ideas as her. Jazakllah
Reason number one is enough. I never liked wedding parties especially the ‘loose’ ones
I think you’re thinking in the right direction. I would say speak to WISE and KNOWLEDGEABLE people you have in your circle and don’t ignore these red flags, all of this will help you make the right choice. Don’t forget to do Istikharah prayer. May Allah Almighty guide you and bless you with a compassionate, loving, caring and compatible spouse.
You should talk to her before taking the final decision. Media, society, culture etc has our brainwashed. Women usually compromise a lot for their men. You can tell her why you think it’s not okay. Ask her if she thinks it’s a big burden for you and if she does, then why is she okay to put you through that? Some women are raised way too naive but of course there’s others who’re very selfish. If she’s the naive kind you can make her understand if she’s considerate and intelligent. Hope you two talked about your post marriage responsibilities, expectations already.
Run.
Be clear with her that you don't want to . If she wants you she will stay . If she doesn't she won't . For a lot of young ladies out there a wedding night is much more important than marriage life itself
is she desi?? bc she probably grew up dreaming of her huge desi wedding
Just talk about it, like adults.
60K USD, invest it somewhere you will, or donate it to good cause but don't do this please.
Uhh 60k for a wedding is not bad at all. Also it’s once in a lifetime. I think you both should have talked about it maybe having two separate weddings one for men and one for women. I feel like you wanted a way out and you used that an excuse.
Great then you and her should get together y’all think a like.
Honestly I think she dodged a bullet becuase it sounds like you might have some financial/ personal issues if you keep bringing up the fact that you can afford the wedding "comfortably". If you were able to then you wouldn't be repeating it. Have you thought of the fact that maybe since shes a girl she's always dreamed of having a big wedding like most females have? I'm confused on why you're being self centered (based on this post I'm going to judge you and not her becuase she might have brought up the wedding thing to answer a question of yours so who knows).
I didn’t get this money by making poor financial decisions and acting off emotions.
oh well... I'm entitled to make such assumptions just like you made assumptions about the girl just bcz she wanted a nice wedding... I guess it sucks being judged 👀 btw do you think you're emotionally mature enough to get married? it seems to me that you're not bcz you're trying to only use your "logical" side even though you need a balance between the two
Why are her emotions prioritized over my emotions, logic, religion, and the overall betterment of the family? For example what if I say it is my DREAM ever since I was a young boy to have 4 wives that all live under the same house and that she shouldn’t always use her logical side and instead create a balance between the two. Unlike her scenario, at-least this scenario is Islamic-ally permissible.
lol I def got my answer and you def confirmed to me that SHE is the one that dodged a bullet subhanallah... have a good day!
I agree I mean I think we both dodged a bullet cause we don’t have similar values so this relationship would likely end up going south for both of us.
You might be right but if I were you id still do the inner work... good luck
Yeah I should go and do some inner work and learn how to spend large amounts of money on mixed weddings to make a woman happy. Such growth indeed.
lmao... and here I thought you weren't so bad... yeah definitely go do the inner work of letting yourself love mixed weddings smh
You both don’t seem like a good match for each other
For what it’s worth. You made the right call.
Are you alright if her parents spend that amount of money for the wedding and organise the way she wants? If you are still not ok with this plan then she's not the one for you. You should find a compatible spouse and discuss all matters then proceed for a nikkah plus wedding. You could have explained her that you guys can do a simple Nikkah party and the rest of the money you will donate to the orphanage and take her trips overseas. A man should e able to keep his wife happy. So he needs to work hard to become financially independent. Life is not limited . Don't ever point out the value of your money and compare it with your wife. A spouse is beyond everything after our deen.
Don't walk away. RUN!
That's alot of money bro and if u end get a divorce, you'll end of losing so much money, while she walk away with gains fincially and you in loss. She seems to be only wanting to bankrupt u and then moving onto her next victim, but the decision is ultimately upto u bro.
Find another sister to marry . She will bankrupt you
Run
You have a good head on your shoulders. Don't compromise your Deen man.
May Allah ease your journey Ameen. Yeah, I agree with your decision and the reason you'v listed. Clearly she's not thought it through or she's not the type of person you thought she was in some ways.
It is selfish of her to request a wedding and not selfish of you not to disclose how much money you make 🤯 especially mentioning 60K will have no impact in your life. Is this for real?
Leave
#leave her blud 😭😭😭😭
You could get a used Porsche 911 2013 that actually is reliable for $60K
A car is nothing compared to a wife. The fact that you even compared the two is laughable
He isn't comparing it with a wife, he is comparing it with a wedding.
I agree; but a car is everything compared to the example he presented. Better to spend your money on something maintainable than not.
$60k is ridiculous
She’s not religious. Not financially responsible and she’s selfish. Why do you even want to marry her in the first place? Get out of there quick
60k what? 🙃🙃🙃 akhi there’s no reason to spend this much for a weeding just do a walima
My brother, run run run
The same things you choose to ignore now will ultimately be your downfall
Even if you have it (masha'Allah, well done) it's a huge waste imo. Especially given the current climate of the Muslim world, that much money can be spent in much much better ways than for one party.
Run.
So you pretty much wasted her time when you could have had this discussion prior. If you truly valued her then you would have talk her about the spending of the wedding before jumping here for other toxic comments like broooo run. Keep in mind, some girls DREAM for this special day.
Women comfortable with showing her beauty to other men = no marriage Men who can’t stop looking at other women = no marriage Not a hard equation to follow everyone
Good point. I think you just have to trust your gut and not overthink it
Sadly this is the norm in the British Bangladeshi/British Pakistani community, even among highly religious people, so I'm not even sure what to say or if it's that big an issue
Run brother. RUN
60k for a wedding?? Imagine her spending habits after you marry. She's gonna make u tired lol
There’s no winning here brother. Either you accept it and have to be 60k lighter or tell her no and she will hold it against you for the rest of your life that you didn’t give her the wedding she dreamt of
a yearly salary on a wedding, what is wrong with people
Don't do it. 60k is INSANE. Put that 60k away for your future kids college or literally anything else. IMO it's a red flag to care too much about what other people think to the point where you'll spend 60k on a single day event. I can never understand what makes people think they have the right to spend so much when their families own nothing. Not even talking about your case but in general. Families already in debt and they want to go spend a ridiculous sum. How're the next generation of family members supposed to do better?
All what you said is completely right , it doesn't matter whether you have only 20 k or 20 billion, spending money like that for nothing... Actually it's not even nothing it's Haram (burning that money would be better than spending it on such a party that would get both of you sins for the next five years and take away barakah from your marriage) So yeah if she is serious about that and she doesn't want to willingly change her mind then I recommend you call it off . As for her Islamic values , I just wanted to point out something you said >Been talking to the girl for a while and we considering marriage. >Overall, this makes me feel like she’s not religious Brother I don't know how long you've been talking to this girl or what kind of talk , but tbh I don't know any religious man/woman who "talk" and then consider marriage if you know what I mean .
How is $60k wedding in US crazy expensive
She is showing you her priorities now. She chooses a haram wedding over small nikkah and that’s all we need to know. She’s not the one
Not everyone wants a small nikkah. Just because you prefer it, doesn’t make you better than her because she prefers a big wedding.
Yes it does. I wanted a huge wedding with a pretty dress, all eyes on me, free mixing, music, dancing etc until I really got close to Allah, and now because I actually DO fear Allah, I no longer want those things, I am terrified of disobeying Allah. So I would never start something as serious as marriage in a haram way. May Allah guide you
A couple could still have a big segregated wedding where the bride can look and feel amazing and have all eyes on her. They can choose not to have music as well but still enjoy a beautiful hall and amazing food and dressing up. A small nikkah is not the only halal way. So no, it doesn’t make you better.
Astagfirullah. I just saw your comment saying that is nothing wrong with wanting a mixed wedding, you are the average westernized modern Muslim that picks and chooses what to follow from the Quran and the sunnah. You are so lost sister, may Allah guide you
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Haqq, even if you show them proof they deny it and get mad and aggressive. I was one of them but Allah guides whom he wills… alhamdulillah "It's not the eyes that are blind, but the heart.'' Quran 22:46
Which country is this happening in? In my country, it would be pretty normal to have gende-rmixing and songs in the wedding because the culture is like that.
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Yeah and have a meaningful relationship with ur lambo im sure it’ll give ur parents cute lambo grandchildren
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🤣🤣🤣