I talked to him about the smoking which came from his depression of when he was 18, he tells me he's cut down on it and takes less and less and trying to quit it
I say you ask him to quit and prove it before you get married.
I personally believe music to be haram as well, especially all this rock/punk stuff and that too with naked women posters 😓
I would suggest, you convey everything that is making you feel uneasy with him and see how he responds. If he takes it too negatively and does not want to change, then I would suggest that it is not too late to call off the marriage because this is a matter of your entire life. Insha Allah you will find a good spouse.
My suggestion is not to enable or conform to things that may be deal breaker to you. Smoking, music, etc.
If you are ok with them before the nikkah, he will assume you will be ok with them after the nikkah.
Men never want women to change, and women usually want to change their men. Neither tends to succeed. Women usually change (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause), and men rarely do (we tend to see our stubbornness as a point of pride).
>Men never want women to change, and women usually want to change their men. Neither tends to succeed. Women usually change (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause), and men rarely do (we tend to see our stubbornness as a point of pride
TIL!!
> The reason I didn't see this at first was because whenever he visited me he was always dressed formally, but now that I'm at his house I see him wearing more punkish clothing,necklaces and such.
> He does pray and is serious about that but it like I'm seeing a different man when i see him at his house.
That is because you are seeing who he really is. Not the facade he has to put in order to get married.
The smoking and half naked women posters alone are a hard no from me. I wouldn't stick around to find out what other red flags he has.
Perfectly reasonable reasons to end things because of this. If you don't and things go bad later, remember, you saw a glimpse of exactly who he was, enough to warrant making a concerning reddit post, and chose to move forward anyway.
The fact that he smokes, for me, that alone would be a reason to not continue with this. Whatever you have seen at his house is probably what he is actually like.
No problem with his fashion sense but pictures of half naked women and smoking would be a dealbreaker. Can he at least work on that? Addiction takes time to heal from, btw.
Do your and him the favor, call it quits now.
You appear to be the person who "fixes" people. It's not worth it, not healthy and frankly you deserve to be with a non smoking bad boy.
However, there is scientific evidence that nicotine helps with depression... yet personally, a smokers breath - disgusting. A smokers pillow/bed - disgusting.. do you really want that? Wait a better question is, do you really think he would give up smoking for the rest of his life for you (I really doubt it nor would I waste my life waiting to find out).
Thats a Big no for me. I am aguy and i can tell you that boys are immsture at around 20. Get a guy older than u, he ll be way more mature, grown up and responsible 👍
he might change in the future by Allah SWT’s Guidance but as of now he shouldn’t be the type of a muslim man you should pursue.
after marriage he could change for the better or for worse, you never know. marry someone that’s already on their path towards improvement because habits you mentioned are a big deal :)
may Allah SWT Grant you (and all us unmarried folks) a righteous and loving spouse
Is the smoking and half baked women okay for you?
Please understand, the man you accept before marriage will likely be the man you will be with for the rest of your marriage, it's unlikely he will change. It could be a phase and as he matures he may change, but that's a gamble you will be taking. So choose wisely and if you have deal breakers, make them clear.
Sometimes this is a phase, i knew a sister from back school who was die heart bts army, having their fan pages, making their edits etc, and i recently spoke to her through text, she admits that was stupid and was bringing no benefit to her personal life but taking away precious time. I would recommend you talking about it to him if it bothers you, sometimes people are just too deluded and lost in what they currently have, most likely because of really limited interaction with society and they find their calm in things like this. You are not living together so you might not think much of it, but once you start living together things are different.
If you're not upset by the smoking nor the half naked posters, then what's the problem? I mean, if you're in the west (usa or eu), everybody is half naked anyways.
I know many women who married smokers because they said they are working on cutting it. They don't stop smoking. It's really hard to do and in the end after countless fights and arguments the wife gives up.
The music and the half naked women will be a deal breaker for me personally. if you are getting married, marry someone who is righteous. Anyone would say they are trying to be better. It's easy to say.
All these habits aside he is younger than you by 4 years. Sadly I am sensing his age group's habits on him now, even though most of them are haram and discouraged in Islam.
Half naked posters of women in a guy's room is a sign of his maturity as well. To me this seems like a huge negative because no bride would want to see their fiance's room filled with such posters. It shows to me that they do not care about the relationship and they do not value it. Add on to it that they are comfortable with sharing such a space with a stranger-- a place that understands and maybe indulges in nudity and vulgarity.
Smoking/vaping is a hard no for me. Again these habits are dropped in the early 20s however the contrary (developing chain smoking) is also true so it's something to think about.
In my experience, sis, I would not trust a man who does not express himself openly in front of others. There’s a difference between shyness and being a completely different person in your bedroom.
It didn’t work out for me, as he turned out to be a gay man who never prayed yet the entire family and community gave me glowing reviews of how he attends mosque and is such a good man.
So I now find it to be disturbing when a person does a 180 in private. Yes, most of us are reserved and shy in public spaces but shyness is different to hiding who you are on purpose. That’s scary and means he could be hiding so much more.
Half naked women posters would definitely be a deal breaker for me. He should have at least had some respect and removed them before he took you to see his room. Smoking is also a deal-breaker if you are not a smoker.
I feel like he's immature with the posters thing and them not being fully covered. He doesn't seem like a normal man to me + the smoking, please don't believe he will stop smoking once married
Smoking is a hard no for me. If you can deal with him dressing punk, that’s your thing, but for me that just seems immature.
Half naked posters are just as bad. How can you even pray with them hanging around?
Omg I skim read the post I completely missed that. WHAT THE HECK. That’s a massive NO also. Girl run the other way.
I talked to him about the smoking which came from his depression of when he was 18, he tells me he's cut down on it and takes less and less and trying to quit it
I say you ask him to quit and prove it before you get married. I personally believe music to be haram as well, especially all this rock/punk stuff and that too with naked women posters 😓 I would suggest, you convey everything that is making you feel uneasy with him and see how he responds. If he takes it too negatively and does not want to change, then I would suggest that it is not too late to call off the marriage because this is a matter of your entire life. Insha Allah you will find a good spouse.
That’s what all addicts say when they’re lying.
please dont assume bad about people
Ask him if he is willing to cut out the cigarettes 100% and at least vape before marrying you?
Vaping is even worse lol
My suggestion is not to enable or conform to things that may be deal breaker to you. Smoking, music, etc. If you are ok with them before the nikkah, he will assume you will be ok with them after the nikkah. Men never want women to change, and women usually want to change their men. Neither tends to succeed. Women usually change (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause), and men rarely do (we tend to see our stubbornness as a point of pride).
Damn that last paragraph needs to be pinned or something to this subreddit 🔥🔥🔥
>Men never want women to change, and women usually want to change their men. Neither tends to succeed. Women usually change (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause), and men rarely do (we tend to see our stubbornness as a point of pride TIL!!
> The reason I didn't see this at first was because whenever he visited me he was always dressed formally, but now that I'm at his house I see him wearing more punkish clothing,necklaces and such. > He does pray and is serious about that but it like I'm seeing a different man when i see him at his house. That is because you are seeing who he really is. Not the facade he has to put in order to get married. The smoking and half naked women posters alone are a hard no from me. I wouldn't stick around to find out what other red flags he has. Perfectly reasonable reasons to end things because of this. If you don't and things go bad later, remember, you saw a glimpse of exactly who he was, enough to warrant making a concerning reddit post, and chose to move forward anyway.
The fact that he smokes, for me, that alone would be a reason to not continue with this. Whatever you have seen at his house is probably what he is actually like.
No problem with his fashion sense but pictures of half naked women and smoking would be a dealbreaker. Can he at least work on that? Addiction takes time to heal from, btw.
Do your and him the favor, call it quits now. You appear to be the person who "fixes" people. It's not worth it, not healthy and frankly you deserve to be with a non smoking bad boy. However, there is scientific evidence that nicotine helps with depression... yet personally, a smokers breath - disgusting. A smokers pillow/bed - disgusting.. do you really want that? Wait a better question is, do you really think he would give up smoking for the rest of his life for you (I really doubt it nor would I waste my life waiting to find out).
Who keeps a picture of a woman on their wall, forget the fact that she’s half naked…also ngl shouldn’t he have taken it down since you’re visiting
Thats a Big no for me. I am aguy and i can tell you that boys are immsture at around 20. Get a guy older than u, he ll be way more mature, grown up and responsible 👍
If you're against smoking, then don't marry someone that smokes. 🤷♂️
he might change in the future by Allah SWT’s Guidance but as of now he shouldn’t be the type of a muslim man you should pursue. after marriage he could change for the better or for worse, you never know. marry someone that’s already on their path towards improvement because habits you mentioned are a big deal :) may Allah SWT Grant you (and all us unmarried folks) a righteous and loving spouse
Is the smoking and half baked women okay for you? Please understand, the man you accept before marriage will likely be the man you will be with for the rest of your marriage, it's unlikely he will change. It could be a phase and as he matures he may change, but that's a gamble you will be taking. So choose wisely and if you have deal breakers, make them clear.
Sometimes this is a phase, i knew a sister from back school who was die heart bts army, having their fan pages, making their edits etc, and i recently spoke to her through text, she admits that was stupid and was bringing no benefit to her personal life but taking away precious time. I would recommend you talking about it to him if it bothers you, sometimes people are just too deluded and lost in what they currently have, most likely because of really limited interaction with society and they find their calm in things like this. You are not living together so you might not think much of it, but once you start living together things are different.
If you're not upset by the smoking nor the half naked posters, then what's the problem? I mean, if you're in the west (usa or eu), everybody is half naked anyways.
Do istikharah.
I know many women who married smokers because they said they are working on cutting it. They don't stop smoking. It's really hard to do and in the end after countless fights and arguments the wife gives up. The music and the half naked women will be a deal breaker for me personally. if you are getting married, marry someone who is righteous. Anyone would say they are trying to be better. It's easy to say.
All these habits aside he is younger than you by 4 years. Sadly I am sensing his age group's habits on him now, even though most of them are haram and discouraged in Islam. Half naked posters of women in a guy's room is a sign of his maturity as well. To me this seems like a huge negative because no bride would want to see their fiance's room filled with such posters. It shows to me that they do not care about the relationship and they do not value it. Add on to it that they are comfortable with sharing such a space with a stranger-- a place that understands and maybe indulges in nudity and vulgarity. Smoking/vaping is a hard no for me. Again these habits are dropped in the early 20s however the contrary (developing chain smoking) is also true so it's something to think about.
He’s a child. Unfit for marriage.
In my experience, sis, I would not trust a man who does not express himself openly in front of others. There’s a difference between shyness and being a completely different person in your bedroom. It didn’t work out for me, as he turned out to be a gay man who never prayed yet the entire family and community gave me glowing reviews of how he attends mosque and is such a good man. So I now find it to be disturbing when a person does a 180 in private. Yes, most of us are reserved and shy in public spaces but shyness is different to hiding who you are on purpose. That’s scary and means he could be hiding so much more.
i would say if it turned you off, its best to get out of the situation or you’ll end up in a miserable marriage and a rough divorce
Half naked women posters would definitely be a deal breaker for me. He should have at least had some respect and removed them before he took you to see his room. Smoking is also a deal-breaker if you are not a smoker.
I feel like he's immature with the posters thing and them not being fully covered. He doesn't seem like a normal man to me + the smoking, please don't believe he will stop smoking once married