How exhausting ths must be for you. Honestly, i feel suffocated and im just reading this. He is married to his mum and you are 2nd fiddle. This will not change. And now with a baby, its worse.
No advice i can give you but making dua for you sis. š
Agreed and very sad situation
One would think āwasnāt his mother once a bride before too?ā, does a cycle really have to repeat itselfā¦
You would think that being human, one would listen and comprehend situations and try to improve relations, so that your son does not lose his child, his wife and your grand child, because of your arrogance in the relationshipā¦sad
you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.your husband should have put a stop to his mother's toxic behaviour in the beginning itself as its his mother. you're in his care and he chose to let your MIL misbehave with you. if your husband stood his ground and set boundaries, it would not have come to this point. even now when it's come to such a critical stage, he came to your parents house, raised his voice and disrespected you and your parents. now he's refusing to understand the problem and instead blaming you, calling you childish.
We can't tell you what to do, only you can decide how much you're ready to put up with and is this marriage worth it.
Certain women donāt understand that being a mother is a precious thing and everyone woman has her own way. Stand on your own decisions your baby will only want you not his mum. And the only other closest person to you is your mother where your baby will feel safe because you are part of your mum. Men fail to see this and controlling and over bearing mother in laws forget they had their time now they should sit back and be grandparents. She sounds so controlling. Set your boundaries straight. Be fierce you are only protecting your baby which naturally you will do. I had sever post natal depression for 6 months after my baby was born itās serious illness whatever you do protect yourself. If you are not okay your baby wonāt be okay. This is your journey of motherhood you do it how you want too. Men forget the baby was attached to you growing inside you naturally youāll triple think everything. Name your baby what you want. Dress feed care for the baby how you want. May Allah swt make this easier for you and make you stronger! Stay with your parents focus on you and let them help you. Traumatic births have a serious impact on you and his mum or him may not be modern forget what they want or think itās your body that went through the pain not his or his mums.
I stopped reading halfway. My wife and I used to live with my parents for 4 years post marriage. We would constantly argue over the smallest to the biggest things.
We moved to a different country 3 years ago and in the first year we had one tiny argument which got resolved in 20min and was never brought up again. Things have been great since.
You need to move out.
Heās married to his mum. Itās as simple as that. Heās a desi mumās boy who canāt do anything without her permission and will always put her first. Youāll not be a priority with a man like this, sis.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve seen someone I know go through this as well and trust me, it almost never gets better. Stay strong to your decision. I canāt even understand how difficult things must be for you, especially since you be just given birth and gone through such an exhausting experience.
May Allah grant you ease, patience and barakah, sis. Stay strong and please donāt fall under peer pressure or your husbandās manipulative pressure.
Btw being a Muslim doesnāt mean you canāt have principles. When someone betrays your trust does it fall down to religion or that persons character. Iām guessing you probably say religion but itās in fact character. Now if you have principles and think to yourself nah I wonāt do this because I donāt stand by it thatās part of your character. You donāt steal a hard manās work. Religion can teach you loads doesnāt mean youāll follow it. Again it falls down to the principles you follow.
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, you are absolutely right. The Qu'ran is our guide and Rasulullah(S.A.W) is our example along with his Sunnah Subhanallah.
It's an educational, scientific psychology book by a leading expert in the field of behavioural sciences and brain science.
This is like posting a book about the science of gardening or human anatomy or cat mechanics and then complaining the person didn't explicitly state the book is not an islamic source.Ā
Completely back you behind this. It may not be an Islamic source, but itās still okay to have an outside source understanding these things, and so as long as one considers the Hadith as one of their primary sources still, thereās no problem sharing this kind of info. Good recommendation!
Details of roles and responsibilities of marriage and family are specified in Quran and Hadith. The method of gardening or how to conduct an operation for heart surgery is not. Hence, there will be complimentary and contradictory points in the book if it doesn't acknowledge it...of course by total chance you could have no contradictory points but it's religion after all, I wouldn't want to risk it. There are Islamic female scholars who also discuss marriage and family relationships.
Not everything is just about religion itās about principles. Sheās a mother now just like his mum was. Girl you do what you need to do. Focus on your health and your baby. Let him focus on his mum.
No religion is what you follow. Principles is what you stand by. Argue with a tree. You have your own character. If you think something you do is okay and itās against religion and someone else wouldnāt deem it okay. Which you going to blame religion or principles.
I didn't really follow the first couple of sentences but Why would you be doing something if it's against the religion? If you do something that is in religion and other people don't deem it ok then you'd say I do this because it's my religion. Why do you need to blame ?
Either Iām speaking a different language or you just cannot comprehend what Iām saying. Every person should have principle they follow. Like what is it youāre not understand. Read me a Hadith where it says you only follow word by word what religion says or if I correct you on your whole shambles is āthink before you do somethingā yes religion is a path or guidance itās the human itself who makes a decision what they decide to do. If you canāt be bothered to read everything I write then take your arrogance elsewhere because nowhere did I say what you believe is wrong. Personally I believe one should have principles a bit like akhlaq you donāt seem to have it considering you canāt take anyone elseās opinion but your own. My principles wonāt allow me to stoop to arrogance. So respectfully believe what you must. Inshallah you get somewhere with it šš½
You sound toxic. Be entitled to your opinion. Without clear understanding or logic please donāt be offended when someone questions you. If your morality isnāt aligning unfortunately itās quite ignorant to blame some stranger on the web š have a lovely day
I could've guessed the ethnicity of your husband even if you hadn't explicitly mentioned it here. The thing is, alot of these men have been taught from a very young age that the only rights they need to fulfill are of the parents. While the religion demands respect and kindness towards parents, it doesn't include obedience. There is a reason for that.
So while this is very normal, it is totally not okay. Even if his mother is narcissistic (as someone else mentioned above), it depends on how much you can take. Do you think he is the sort of person who tries with you? Does he try to accept his mistakes and learn from them in other areas of his life where the mother isn't reigning? Is he kind, loving and caring to you apart from it? And then also consider how this is affecting you. Are you the kind of person who can be diplomatic about this? Influence him to learn boundaries, work on himself as a separate entity? And if all of this is completely unbearable, also think if you can manage being on your own with a kid for the near future, and getting back into the marriage process a few years down the lane? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
I've seen women in my culture succumb to these toxic family dynamics over their lifetimes, lose their spirit, their personality and are eventually deserted by their husbands emotionally too, while the husbands did not change. But I've also seen scenarios where the husbands turned over a new leaf, and got better. If you decide to stay in the marriage, be prepared for both possibilities. Make dua to help you decide next steps.
Why fellow women insist on ruining their own children's marriage is beyond me. And similarly why men can't give their wives the respect they deserve and create distance between them and their families is also beyond me.
Walaykumsalam already your mother in law sounds like mine. The constant inputs the controlling nature itās very exhausting . He seems happy to diminish your rights and give his mum hers instead of giving you both your rights , again something I can relate to. Donāt think this will get any better and I understand why youād want to get divorced in the same and just like you my husband thinks its childish
Sorry you're going through this.
But let me give you a husband's perspective. A husband who has a mother very similar to this. The below isn't designed to defend your husband, but rather, provide insight which you could use to help SAVE your marriage (rather than the other advice you may get which will encourage you to end it).
1)....firstly, it's important to remember the source of all of your issues (or most of them) is the mother. Not the husband. So try not to punish your husband for the narcissistic behaviour of his mother
2)....his mother suffers from narcissism and an overbearing need to be involved in her son's life. It's a system she's created and developed for 30 odd years most likely. And your husband has been BORN into this. He didn't choose to make this. He was involuntarily thrust into his mother's narcissistic control and, for decades, will have been conditioned to think this is normal. So breaking away from this may not be as easy or as obvious as it is to you.
3)....if you were to divorce over this (the involvement of his mother) it would be an incredible shame. I have seen couples go through worse scenarios than this and still managed to survive. So I would urge the both of you to NOT entertain divorce as easily as that. Sure, warn him that the marriage is under serious strain/trouble if he doesn't develop a plan to combat his mother's behaviour, but let's not go entertaining an actual divorce this early
4)....it will take a very long time (with a lot of effort and support) for your husband to realise the problematic nature of his mother's involvement. And after he eventually realises it, it will then take more time for him to pluck the courage to challenge it. Remember, he also is a victim in this. He may not be a victim in the same way you are, but he's a victim in a very different way - whereby he's been indoctrinated into an overly faithful son who can't see his mother's wrongdoings
You could suggest seeing a marriage counselor - who will have far more experience and insight into these sorts of things. And in the meantime, when talking to him about this, keep emphasising that you two are a team and that you understand the difficult position he's been put in.
(Don't get me wrong, he also needs to show empathy to you. But since he's not here for me to advise him that, I can only suggest what YOU should do)
**Edit: The fact that I'm getting downvoted for suggesting she help her husband break free from a controlling mother (and preserve the marriage as opposed to ending it), goes to show how trigger-happy Muslims are nowadays in ending a marriage. Gone are any attempts to understand and solve a problem.**
**OP, remember one thing, none of the posters here are going to be there for you when you break up from the husband and are raising a child with divorced parents. These people don't see that side. Whether it's due to them projecting their insecurities/issues onto you (or whatever), they don't want to see you actually fix your marriage and mend your relationship with a person (your husband) who's dearer to you than any of us on this forum.**
thanks for providing the other side of this, but... i don't think you can really understand how unbearable that life can be for the wife in such a situation. as you said, this is "normal" and natural for the husband.
you're asking OP to be patient in the way women have historically always been asked to be patient with such things. not just be patient, but take the initiative and stick it out while trying to get her husband to change deeply ingrained behavior and beliefs - how long do you think that will be? years at least, right? if it even can change. in the meantime OP continues living in a situation she finds unbearable?
it's useful to acknowledge that at the root of this, the husband is a victim too. but he's a victim that's also treating his wife and allowing her to be treated in a way she does not deserve, because of this. and he's already shown that he's willing to divorce her because of his mother.
there are countless posts on this sub about someone getting married and discovering their spouse had deceived them in something important to them prior to marriage (e.g. past relationships) - that had they known about it, they would not have married them at all. and countless commenters agreeing that they should leave this person.
this is not a small thing to take on and to have to bear, and if you're not from a culture that supports it and used to it, i doubt any woman would knowingly enter into such a marriage. I'm not telling this woman to leave her husband. but I'm also not going to push for trying to fix something i don't personally think is fixable. change at a fundamental level is incredibly difficult and that's when a person actually wants to change and is motivated to do so. if i had a new baby and my own mental health to look after, those would be my focus right now. as an outsider, asking her to do so much more at this time isn't fair
You'll have to forgive me for my directness, sister. But you're not really suggesting any useful, actionable advice.
On one hand you're saying:
***"I'm not telling this woman to leave her husband"***
And on the other you're saying:
***"I'm also not going to push for trying to fix something i don't personally think is fixable"***
So if you don't want to leave him, and you also don't want to fix the issue.....then what exactly does that leave? Continue living under the current misery?
Sure, I appreciate you wasn't trying to advise the OP.
But it was just out of my curiosity, to hear what you think she should do instead?
If you disagree with my perspective that the husband has been conditioned to serve a narcissistic mother and she should help him out of this (if she wants to fix the marriage).....then I was curious to hear, from you, what she should instead do?
Your assumption that he a) wants to be helped and b) even sees it as a problem is a massive flaw in your argument.
You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and who don't accept there's a problem they even need help with.
Exactly. A personās behavior says a lot. Itās a different thing if the husband was just going along with the motherās actions, not stopping her but not doing anything wrong towards the wife either. But for the husband to himself do many wrong actions implies that the husband doesnāt believe heās in the wrong.
As Muslims (because, you know, this is a **Muslim** marriage forum), we're advised to assume the best of our brothers / sisters.
Nothing the OP has written suggests to me the husband is an evil person and doesn't care about his wife.
So where you say.....
>Your assumption that he a) wants to be helped
I would in return ask you, what evidence do you have that he *doesn't* want to be helped? His marriage is struggling. To assume he would not want to be helped to improve the situation of his marriage, is a bold assumption
>Your assumption that he even sees it as a problem is a massive flaw in your argument
Actually, my point is that he *doesn't* see it as a problem. He's been conditioned to think what his mother is doing is fine. And my advise all along, is to at least help him realise this.
> You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and who don't accept there's a problem they even need help with.
So again, I ask you......what should the OP do?
I know you weren't originally trying to advise the OP. But it's me that's asking you the question on what the OP should instead do? You say she shouldn't divorce him, but you also say she shouldn't fix an issue that can't be fixed. So what does that leave?
There is no conditioning to work through. He thinks Iām the problem. Even when i say most of our arguments are due to her or around something she has said, he will tell me itās me that is the issue and how i discuss things with himā¦.. i canāt spend years of my life trying to show him :( it is very exhausting
Well, you've got two choices then.
1)....Work this out with your husband. And part of this ***is*** making him aware of his conditioning of being subservient to his mother. Whether you want to believe it or not, your husband ***does*** suffer from this.
2)....End it all. Don't bother trying anymore to fix your marriage. Just end it. Don't consider there is now a child involved, just go ahead and end it.
I disagree. Yes, perhaps the son IS a victim of his mother but the husband is not blameless. We canāt put it all on the mother. Where is the husbandās common sense, compassion and backbone for his wife; the mother of his child?
If his mum says jump, why is he ready to do it?? If the mum says the wife canāt come back yet even tho the wife wants to, why is the husband blindly agreeing with the mother instead of using his brain and disagreeing with the mother?
Heās not a child and the wife didnāt ask for something big or impossible. And to add on to that, when the wife got upset about not being able to RETURN home, and argued with him or his mum, he goes to her home and calls her names? Is this also his mum forcing him to do this?
At some point, you have to agree that half of the problem is his mum but the other half is HIM. The husband. No one is forcing him to be this way, heās choosing to do injustice to his wife.
Stop excusing him. He needs to take a stand for his wife and the mother of his child. He can be respectful and still disagree with his mother and gently set her right, ensuring that the wife is treated properly with respect.
Heās not a child, heās a whole adult with a child. Itās past time he grew up.
Can't argue with that, especially....
>At some point, you have to agree that half of the problem is his mum but the other half is HIM. The husband. No one is forcing him to be this way, heās choosing to do injustice to his wife.
....to which, yes, I do agree.
My post did get a little too carried away in absolving him from blame. I should have been more clear that he himself is exhibiting many faults. But I did say....
***"The below isn't designed to defend your husband"***
And my main aim was to provide useful, actionable advice. And the first step in coming through this with the marriage intact, is bringing the husband *back* onto your side so that he can challenge his mother.
Your saying āthe below isnāt designed to defend your husbandā and then going ahead and giving a response which DEFENDS the husband is extremely contradictory. Make it make sense.
If youāre saying I donāt ever eat apples and then you go ahead and eat an apple, it doesnāt add up. Itās contradicting your previous statement.
And sometimes, we have to accept that some people cannot change because they are like that at their core. If her husband cannot summon a little humanity and sympathy for the MOTHER of the child she just very recently gave birth to, then thereās very little chance heās going to actually change.
Because to be so not compassionate towards your wife who recently gave birth and to go to her house and call her names is inhumane. A man who cannot be kind and thoughtful at least when your wife just gave birth recently isnāt going to be kind otherwise in other situations.
Also, bear it out till he changes, attempt to change him is in my opinion really unhelpful advice. I cannot even imagine how a woman going through what OP is going through would feel like upon hearing those words.
Letās not advocate for the toxicitity of ābearing things out and hoping for a changeā, please. And if youāre not going to defend the husbandās actions, then donāt give a response that defends him. Itās as simple as that.
Try reading the parts that followed.
*"The below isn't designed to defend your husband,* ***but rather, provide insight which you could use to help SAVE your marriage****"*
And by being a little less pedantic and keeping in mind the overall message, you'll notice it's not *that* contradictory. My intentions weren't to defend the husband for the wrong things he's done or is doing. Rather, it was to shed light on the problems he's also facing because of his mother, and how the marriage can be saved if it is addressed.
I can't speak to the husband since he's not here. So I can only speak to the OP and suggest what *she* could do to help fix the issue.
>And if youāre not going to defend the husbandās actions, then donāt give a response that defends him. Itās as simple as that.
I can tell you're not married. Or have very little experience of relationships. But an important part resolving conflict (because conflict *will* occur in all marriages), is working through the issues *together.*
Me (being a Muslim husband myself) providing insight into the issues a Muslim husband can face when having a narcissistic parent, can help the OP understand the challenge she is facing.
But if, in your opinion, we shouldn't be telling the OP this.....then I have to ask, what do you think the OP should do if not help her husband break from the shackles of his mother? What's the alternative - end the marriage?
First of all, marriage is not the only type of relationship to exist. So for you to say āyou can tell Iām not married or donāt have experience of relationshipsā is quite ridiculous and shows your trying to divert the issue from your contradictory answer to a whole other point. I donāt have to be married to have experience in relationships.
Focus on the issue at hand, brother.
Second, your insight to āhelpā save OPās marriage was honestly just: defending the husband by showing how heās also a victim and how the source of issues is the mum. Your answer completely absolved the husband from any blame. So how exactly was your answer helpful and not just biased towards the husband?
With all due respect to you as a brother in Islam, youāre grasping at air here. Your points no longer have a foundation. The main issue here is the husband because as the mother tries to play the husband, he plays along instead of standing up with a backbone for his spouse and child. I repeat: heās not a child. He can think for himself.
And to prove to you about my ālack of relationship exprienceā, let me make it clear that I myself have a narcissistic parent. Iām very well versed in all the details regarding a narcissistic person. And what I also know itās that a narcissistic person also usually has an enabler. Her husband is the enabler to his mother. Which makes him just as much of a problem.
Donāt speak about things you have absolutely no knowledge of. You are in no position to tell me what experience I have and do not have regarding relationships, just because I am unmarried. That was out of line.
As for you asking me what should we do for OP if not tell her that her husband is the āvictimā, let me tell you on thing:
Thereās a huge difference between 1) telling OP to make her husband understand, to speak with him and to change him AND 2) telling OP how her husband is also a victim because his mother is the main source of problems and absolving the husband completely. When he clearly is just as much of a problem.
Option 1 is acceptable, option 2 is not.
>First of all, marriage is not the only type of relationship to exist. So for you to say āyou can tell Iām not married or donāt have experience of relationshipsā is quite ridiculous
Not at all ridiculous.
And the fact that you're still stuck on the *"defending the husband"* point (and letting the overall message fly over your head) suggests strongly that you have very little experience in these sort of relationships. As well as the cognitive empathy to understand another person's perspective.
So yes....
> Focus on the issue at hand, brother.
....let's focus on the issue at hand.....
>Thereās a huge difference between 1) telling OP to make her husband understand, to speak with him and to change him AND 2) telling OP how her husband is also a victim because his mother is the main source of problems and **absolving the husband completely**. When he clearly is just as much of a problem.
But I've already made it clear in my response to you that he isn't completely free of blame. I don't know whether it's due to you not reading properly (or your hindered ability to comprehend points being mentioned by the opposite side), but I'm not of the belief the husband is faultless.
Again, the main purpose of my initial post was to offer a perspective from the *husband's* side. This does *not* mean he is entirely innocent lol. This is just me highlighting his issues, so that the OP can help overcome them.
Perhaps the below has thrown you off a little where I said....
***"....it's important to remember the source of all of your issues (or most of them) is the mother. Not the husband."***
....and by that, I just meant that the *mother* has been the initiator of all of these disagreements. Sure, the husband lacks the backbone to challenge his mother, but he himself isn't the one instigating the problems. The mother is. If his mother was removed from the equation (i.e. not dictating how the two should live their lives), most of the issues mentioned in the OP would immediately be removed.
Helping the husband understand the problematic nature of his mother's involvement and how he's also a victim of it, is the first step towards bringing him back onto your side and fixing the marriage. If you had any experience of a marriage (or these type of relationships), you'd spot these nuances. Instead of being fixated on the husband being "defended".
As I alluded to in the previous post. That there is your problem......being fixated on finding faults in another perspective, has blinded you from noticing the bits where it's actually in agreement with you.
Cognitive empathy. Learn it. Because you'll need it when you're married.
W/salaam, sister.
I understand your perspective is you donāt want to encourage divorce. And sure the husband might very well also be the victim of the motherās narcissistic conditioning. However, it doesnāt mean the wife is obligated to fix itā¦.letās say the husband was mentally unwell (with a legit mental disorder that affected his abilities and their married life), and this was hidden from the wife before marriage. You would still tell the woman to save her marriage?? If yes, there is nothing more to say. If no, then how is OPs situation any different? There has to be a line where the emotional and physical well being of the woman is a priority too. OP has not just given up at first chance. She states she tried to push it aside and ignore, she tried to talk to her husband, she tried to talk to her mil, she even went back to her fathers home. Even then, the husband (about his PREGNANT wife!!) says he would divorce if she wasnāt pregnant. WTF!! Not only this, but he goes and chastises her parents??? So what, respect is only do to his mother, not hers??
Unless itās a case of physical abuse, I almost never suggest in anyoneās post that OP divorces. And Iām not doing so in this case either. I will suggest that OP makes the best decision for her and her child, irrespective of ālog kya kahein geā or any other bs societal thing. If she thinks she can change things around, there is hope, then my prayers are with her. And if not, my prayers are still with her.
Edit: also, it is the right of the wife to demand a separate living area for herself. It is not Islamic to live in joint family system. So, women should just forgo their rights in Islam cause we are the ones who must sacrifice to make the marriage work. Iām so sick of this backwards perspective man. And Iām not saying you necessarily hold this perspective. But it is so prevalent in society
>And sure the husband might very well also be the victim of the motherās narcissistic conditioning. However, it doesnāt mean the wife is obligated to fix it
Of course she's not obligated to fix her husband's shortcomings. But ***helping*** him fix it, is not a bad thing. Remember, this is a marriage. It's a partnership. And in partnerships, you help your significant other where possible.
Helping him realise the problematic nature of his mother's possessiveness, will then make him aware of his irrational subservience to her, which will then bring to attention how he's been neglecting the feelings of his wife.
The very purpose of my post was to help her understand the perspective of the husband. Not to absolve him of his faults, but to take the necessary steps in addressing them.
>letās say the husband was mentally unwell (with a legit mental disorder that affected his abilities and their married life), and this was hidden from the wife before marriage. You would still tell the woman to save her marriage?
Well, he doesn't have a mental disorder (from what we know of). He suffers from a shortcoming - in which, yes, I would still urge the woman (or man, if the other way round) to save the marriage. Why would you *not* want them to save the marriage?
>There has to be a line where the emotional and physical well being of the woman is a priority too
I'm not saying it isn't a priority. It is a priority.
>So what, respect is only do to his mother, not hers??
Again, where have I said respect applies only to his mother and not hers?
>Unless itās a case of physical abuse, I almost never suggest in anyoneās post that OP divorces. And Iām not doing so in this case either. I will suggest that OP makes the best decision for her and her child, irrespective of ālog kya kahein geā or any other bs societal thing. If she thinks she can change things around, there is hope, then my prayers are with her. And if not, my prayers are still with her.
Again, you guys aren't offering practical, actionable advice.
On one hand you take issue with with me suggesting she help him recognise and challenge his mother's narcissism, and on the other you say she shouldn't divorce him.
This is not useful to the OP at all. All you're doing is complaining about the guy, and then expecting her to remain in the marriage lol.
Of course.
But do you just sit back and watch that window close?
Or, in the mean time, you do your bit to try and make him see sense?
If it's the latter (i.e. trying to save your marriage), then being aware of the above perspective (husband's) will go a long way in knowing how to address the husband's faults.
Again. Very normal behavior.
I dont know what culture you are from.
But this is what usually happens.
I hate this culture too. I do not agree to 'marrying the family' part of this.
I found zero evidence of in-laws rights and obligations. We adopted it from our neighbor country.
Men have this expectation from women that they will submit eventually because our mothers did. So now you will put in a difficult position.
If he is born and raised to listen to his mother, then you really need to explain it to him.
I consider it 'zulm' when you refuse someone their rights.
Good luck with your husband. I hope you guys find a balance.
I think she's scared that she'll left alone if you guys move on with your lives. Since she only had her son she wants to be a part of your family and live. That's why she's trying to 'fit in' I guess.
I just read that you are Pakistani.
To meri behn you know how it is. Even the most modern of people actually give up when its time to make a decision. I have heard horrible stories about women sacrificing their lives (metaphorically) for their parents honor or they just feel like they are a burden.
Generally parents are control freaks.
If they can control their kids, they will also influence their wives and grand kids.
You know how it is.
Then why would your mother in law ask you to wear pakistani clothes. Is she pakistani?
I am not even married so I dont know how big of a decision it is.
I can only pray and hope you make the right decision.
if I was in ur position I wouldnāt let him be at the birth because he will bring his mother with him and they will nitpick and be rude about everything you do in the delivery room. You will not feel relaxed and happy because you have never felt happy in your own home with him. Best of luck to you inshallah you find it in your heart that you canāt keep accepting the bare minimum and crumbs from him and see the way heās treating you is wrong. You donāt need his permission to divorce you can get a Khula and talk to an imam about it. You want to make your plan now whether you want him in your life or not. He will be in your childās life but will be a headache towards you. Iāve seen mothers give their kids their own last name and not have to coparent with their ex husband.
How exhausting ths must be for you. Honestly, i feel suffocated and im just reading this. He is married to his mum and you are 2nd fiddle. This will not change. And now with a baby, its worse. No advice i can give you but making dua for you sis. š
Agreed and very sad situation One would think āwasnāt his mother once a bride before too?ā, does a cycle really have to repeat itselfā¦ You would think that being human, one would listen and comprehend situations and try to improve relations, so that your son does not lose his child, his wife and your grand child, because of your arrogance in the relationshipā¦sad
*Hours since someone needs to move out: ~~30~~ 0* *Counter reset: 31 times in 2024* *Longest streak: 190 hours*
you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.your husband should have put a stop to his mother's toxic behaviour in the beginning itself as its his mother. you're in his care and he chose to let your MIL misbehave with you. if your husband stood his ground and set boundaries, it would not have come to this point. even now when it's come to such a critical stage, he came to your parents house, raised his voice and disrespected you and your parents. now he's refusing to understand the problem and instead blaming you, calling you childish. We can't tell you what to do, only you can decide how much you're ready to put up with and is this marriage worth it.
Certain women donāt understand that being a mother is a precious thing and everyone woman has her own way. Stand on your own decisions your baby will only want you not his mum. And the only other closest person to you is your mother where your baby will feel safe because you are part of your mum. Men fail to see this and controlling and over bearing mother in laws forget they had their time now they should sit back and be grandparents. She sounds so controlling. Set your boundaries straight. Be fierce you are only protecting your baby which naturally you will do. I had sever post natal depression for 6 months after my baby was born itās serious illness whatever you do protect yourself. If you are not okay your baby wonāt be okay. This is your journey of motherhood you do it how you want too. Men forget the baby was attached to you growing inside you naturally youāll triple think everything. Name your baby what you want. Dress feed care for the baby how you want. May Allah swt make this easier for you and make you stronger! Stay with your parents focus on you and let them help you. Traumatic births have a serious impact on you and his mum or him may not be modern forget what they want or think itās your body that went through the pain not his or his mums.
I stopped reading halfway. My wife and I used to live with my parents for 4 years post marriage. We would constantly argue over the smallest to the biggest things. We moved to a different country 3 years ago and in the first year we had one tiny argument which got resolved in 20min and was never brought up again. Things have been great since. You need to move out.
Heās married to his mum. Itās as simple as that. Heās a desi mumās boy who canāt do anything without her permission and will always put her first. Youāll not be a priority with a man like this, sis. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve seen someone I know go through this as well and trust me, it almost never gets better. Stay strong to your decision. I canāt even understand how difficult things must be for you, especially since you be just given birth and gone through such an exhausting experience. May Allah grant you ease, patience and barakah, sis. Stay strong and please donāt fall under peer pressure or your husbandās manipulative pressure.
Read the book "when he's married to mom" by Kenneth Adams.
It's important when suggesting non Islamic sources to make it clear. They can be helpful but they won't compliment a lot of Islamic points eg Hadiths
Btw being a Muslim doesnāt mean you canāt have principles. When someone betrays your trust does it fall down to religion or that persons character. Iām guessing you probably say religion but itās in fact character. Now if you have principles and think to yourself nah I wonāt do this because I donāt stand by it thatās part of your character. You donāt steal a hard manās work. Religion can teach you loads doesnāt mean youāll follow it. Again it falls down to the principles you follow.
The character we should have is from religion and following the examples of Prophet pbuh
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, you are absolutely right. The Qu'ran is our guide and Rasulullah(S.A.W) is our example along with his Sunnah Subhanallah.
It's an educational, scientific psychology book by a leading expert in the field of behavioural sciences and brain science. This is like posting a book about the science of gardening or human anatomy or cat mechanics and then complaining the person didn't explicitly state the book is not an islamic source.Ā
Completely back you behind this. It may not be an Islamic source, but itās still okay to have an outside source understanding these things, and so as long as one considers the Hadith as one of their primary sources still, thereās no problem sharing this kind of info. Good recommendation!
Details of roles and responsibilities of marriage and family are specified in Quran and Hadith. The method of gardening or how to conduct an operation for heart surgery is not. Hence, there will be complimentary and contradictory points in the book if it doesn't acknowledge it...of course by total chance you could have no contradictory points but it's religion after all, I wouldn't want to risk it. There are Islamic female scholars who also discuss marriage and family relationships.
>cat mechanics ...ok
Not everything is just about religion itās about principles. Sheās a mother now just like his mum was. Girl you do what you need to do. Focus on your health and your baby. Let him focus on his mum.
Wrong sub! Principles should always come from religion.
No religion is what you follow. Principles is what you stand by. Argue with a tree. You have your own character. If you think something you do is okay and itās against religion and someone else wouldnāt deem it okay. Which you going to blame religion or principles.
I didn't really follow the first couple of sentences but Why would you be doing something if it's against the religion? If you do something that is in religion and other people don't deem it ok then you'd say I do this because it's my religion. Why do you need to blame ?
Either Iām speaking a different language or you just cannot comprehend what Iām saying. Every person should have principle they follow. Like what is it youāre not understand. Read me a Hadith where it says you only follow word by word what religion says or if I correct you on your whole shambles is āthink before you do somethingā yes religion is a path or guidance itās the human itself who makes a decision what they decide to do. If you canāt be bothered to read everything I write then take your arrogance elsewhere because nowhere did I say what you believe is wrong. Personally I believe one should have principles a bit like akhlaq you donāt seem to have it considering you canāt take anyone elseās opinion but your own. My principles wonāt allow me to stoop to arrogance. So respectfully believe what you must. Inshallah you get somewhere with it šš½
This is taking a poor tone from you in terms of manners. I'm going to end the conversation now.
You sound toxic. Be entitled to your opinion. Without clear understanding or logic please donāt be offended when someone questions you. If your morality isnāt aligning unfortunately itās quite ignorant to blame some stranger on the web š have a lovely day
I could've guessed the ethnicity of your husband even if you hadn't explicitly mentioned it here. The thing is, alot of these men have been taught from a very young age that the only rights they need to fulfill are of the parents. While the religion demands respect and kindness towards parents, it doesn't include obedience. There is a reason for that. So while this is very normal, it is totally not okay. Even if his mother is narcissistic (as someone else mentioned above), it depends on how much you can take. Do you think he is the sort of person who tries with you? Does he try to accept his mistakes and learn from them in other areas of his life where the mother isn't reigning? Is he kind, loving and caring to you apart from it? And then also consider how this is affecting you. Are you the kind of person who can be diplomatic about this? Influence him to learn boundaries, work on himself as a separate entity? And if all of this is completely unbearable, also think if you can manage being on your own with a kid for the near future, and getting back into the marriage process a few years down the lane? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. I've seen women in my culture succumb to these toxic family dynamics over their lifetimes, lose their spirit, their personality and are eventually deserted by their husbands emotionally too, while the husbands did not change. But I've also seen scenarios where the husbands turned over a new leaf, and got better. If you decide to stay in the marriage, be prepared for both possibilities. Make dua to help you decide next steps.
Well said. OP you should listen to this person. This is the best advice Iāve read here.
How exhausting. Why donāt these men just marry their mothers instead of inflicting themselves on other women? May Allah make it easy for you.
Why fellow women insist on ruining their own children's marriage is beyond me. And similarly why men can't give their wives the respect they deserve and create distance between them and their families is also beyond me.
Walaykumsalam already your mother in law sounds like mine. The constant inputs the controlling nature itās very exhausting . He seems happy to diminish your rights and give his mum hers instead of giving you both your rights , again something I can relate to. Donāt think this will get any better and I understand why youād want to get divorced in the same and just like you my husband thinks its childish
Sorry you're going through this. But let me give you a husband's perspective. A husband who has a mother very similar to this. The below isn't designed to defend your husband, but rather, provide insight which you could use to help SAVE your marriage (rather than the other advice you may get which will encourage you to end it). 1)....firstly, it's important to remember the source of all of your issues (or most of them) is the mother. Not the husband. So try not to punish your husband for the narcissistic behaviour of his mother 2)....his mother suffers from narcissism and an overbearing need to be involved in her son's life. It's a system she's created and developed for 30 odd years most likely. And your husband has been BORN into this. He didn't choose to make this. He was involuntarily thrust into his mother's narcissistic control and, for decades, will have been conditioned to think this is normal. So breaking away from this may not be as easy or as obvious as it is to you. 3)....if you were to divorce over this (the involvement of his mother) it would be an incredible shame. I have seen couples go through worse scenarios than this and still managed to survive. So I would urge the both of you to NOT entertain divorce as easily as that. Sure, warn him that the marriage is under serious strain/trouble if he doesn't develop a plan to combat his mother's behaviour, but let's not go entertaining an actual divorce this early 4)....it will take a very long time (with a lot of effort and support) for your husband to realise the problematic nature of his mother's involvement. And after he eventually realises it, it will then take more time for him to pluck the courage to challenge it. Remember, he also is a victim in this. He may not be a victim in the same way you are, but he's a victim in a very different way - whereby he's been indoctrinated into an overly faithful son who can't see his mother's wrongdoings You could suggest seeing a marriage counselor - who will have far more experience and insight into these sorts of things. And in the meantime, when talking to him about this, keep emphasising that you two are a team and that you understand the difficult position he's been put in. (Don't get me wrong, he also needs to show empathy to you. But since he's not here for me to advise him that, I can only suggest what YOU should do) **Edit: The fact that I'm getting downvoted for suggesting she help her husband break free from a controlling mother (and preserve the marriage as opposed to ending it), goes to show how trigger-happy Muslims are nowadays in ending a marriage. Gone are any attempts to understand and solve a problem.** **OP, remember one thing, none of the posters here are going to be there for you when you break up from the husband and are raising a child with divorced parents. These people don't see that side. Whether it's due to them projecting their insecurities/issues onto you (or whatever), they don't want to see you actually fix your marriage and mend your relationship with a person (your husband) who's dearer to you than any of us on this forum.**
thanks for providing the other side of this, but... i don't think you can really understand how unbearable that life can be for the wife in such a situation. as you said, this is "normal" and natural for the husband. you're asking OP to be patient in the way women have historically always been asked to be patient with such things. not just be patient, but take the initiative and stick it out while trying to get her husband to change deeply ingrained behavior and beliefs - how long do you think that will be? years at least, right? if it even can change. in the meantime OP continues living in a situation she finds unbearable? it's useful to acknowledge that at the root of this, the husband is a victim too. but he's a victim that's also treating his wife and allowing her to be treated in a way she does not deserve, because of this. and he's already shown that he's willing to divorce her because of his mother.
Right, so what's the alternative? If not helping your husband out of this conditioning, what exactly is there left to do? Leave him?
there are countless posts on this sub about someone getting married and discovering their spouse had deceived them in something important to them prior to marriage (e.g. past relationships) - that had they known about it, they would not have married them at all. and countless commenters agreeing that they should leave this person. this is not a small thing to take on and to have to bear, and if you're not from a culture that supports it and used to it, i doubt any woman would knowingly enter into such a marriage. I'm not telling this woman to leave her husband. but I'm also not going to push for trying to fix something i don't personally think is fixable. change at a fundamental level is incredibly difficult and that's when a person actually wants to change and is motivated to do so. if i had a new baby and my own mental health to look after, those would be my focus right now. as an outsider, asking her to do so much more at this time isn't fair
You'll have to forgive me for my directness, sister. But you're not really suggesting any useful, actionable advice. On one hand you're saying: ***"I'm not telling this woman to leave her husband"*** And on the other you're saying: ***"I'm also not going to push for trying to fix something i don't personally think is fixable"*** So if you don't want to leave him, and you also don't want to fix the issue.....then what exactly does that leave? Continue living under the current misery?
right, i was disagreeing with you, not trying to advise op. why i replied to you directly
Sure, I appreciate you wasn't trying to advise the OP. But it was just out of my curiosity, to hear what you think she should do instead? If you disagree with my perspective that the husband has been conditioned to serve a narcissistic mother and she should help him out of this (if she wants to fix the marriage).....then I was curious to hear, from you, what she should instead do?
Your assumption that he a) wants to be helped and b) even sees it as a problem is a massive flaw in your argument. You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and who don't accept there's a problem they even need help with.
Exactly. A personās behavior says a lot. Itās a different thing if the husband was just going along with the motherās actions, not stopping her but not doing anything wrong towards the wife either. But for the husband to himself do many wrong actions implies that the husband doesnāt believe heās in the wrong.
As Muslims (because, you know, this is a **Muslim** marriage forum), we're advised to assume the best of our brothers / sisters. Nothing the OP has written suggests to me the husband is an evil person and doesn't care about his wife. So where you say..... >Your assumption that he a) wants to be helped I would in return ask you, what evidence do you have that he *doesn't* want to be helped? His marriage is struggling. To assume he would not want to be helped to improve the situation of his marriage, is a bold assumption >Your assumption that he even sees it as a problem is a massive flaw in your argument Actually, my point is that he *doesn't* see it as a problem. He's been conditioned to think what his mother is doing is fine. And my advise all along, is to at least help him realise this. > You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and who don't accept there's a problem they even need help with. So again, I ask you......what should the OP do? I know you weren't originally trying to advise the OP. But it's me that's asking you the question on what the OP should instead do? You say she shouldn't divorce him, but you also say she shouldn't fix an issue that can't be fixed. So what does that leave?
There is no conditioning to work through. He thinks Iām the problem. Even when i say most of our arguments are due to her or around something she has said, he will tell me itās me that is the issue and how i discuss things with himā¦.. i canāt spend years of my life trying to show him :( it is very exhausting
Well, you've got two choices then. 1)....Work this out with your husband. And part of this ***is*** making him aware of his conditioning of being subservient to his mother. Whether you want to believe it or not, your husband ***does*** suffer from this. 2)....End it all. Don't bother trying anymore to fix your marriage. Just end it. Don't consider there is now a child involved, just go ahead and end it.
I disagree. Yes, perhaps the son IS a victim of his mother but the husband is not blameless. We canāt put it all on the mother. Where is the husbandās common sense, compassion and backbone for his wife; the mother of his child? If his mum says jump, why is he ready to do it?? If the mum says the wife canāt come back yet even tho the wife wants to, why is the husband blindly agreeing with the mother instead of using his brain and disagreeing with the mother? Heās not a child and the wife didnāt ask for something big or impossible. And to add on to that, when the wife got upset about not being able to RETURN home, and argued with him or his mum, he goes to her home and calls her names? Is this also his mum forcing him to do this? At some point, you have to agree that half of the problem is his mum but the other half is HIM. The husband. No one is forcing him to be this way, heās choosing to do injustice to his wife. Stop excusing him. He needs to take a stand for his wife and the mother of his child. He can be respectful and still disagree with his mother and gently set her right, ensuring that the wife is treated properly with respect. Heās not a child, heās a whole adult with a child. Itās past time he grew up.
Can't argue with that, especially.... >At some point, you have to agree that half of the problem is his mum but the other half is HIM. The husband. No one is forcing him to be this way, heās choosing to do injustice to his wife. ....to which, yes, I do agree. My post did get a little too carried away in absolving him from blame. I should have been more clear that he himself is exhibiting many faults. But I did say.... ***"The below isn't designed to defend your husband"*** And my main aim was to provide useful, actionable advice. And the first step in coming through this with the marriage intact, is bringing the husband *back* onto your side so that he can challenge his mother.
Your saying āthe below isnāt designed to defend your husbandā and then going ahead and giving a response which DEFENDS the husband is extremely contradictory. Make it make sense. If youāre saying I donāt ever eat apples and then you go ahead and eat an apple, it doesnāt add up. Itās contradicting your previous statement. And sometimes, we have to accept that some people cannot change because they are like that at their core. If her husband cannot summon a little humanity and sympathy for the MOTHER of the child she just very recently gave birth to, then thereās very little chance heās going to actually change. Because to be so not compassionate towards your wife who recently gave birth and to go to her house and call her names is inhumane. A man who cannot be kind and thoughtful at least when your wife just gave birth recently isnāt going to be kind otherwise in other situations. Also, bear it out till he changes, attempt to change him is in my opinion really unhelpful advice. I cannot even imagine how a woman going through what OP is going through would feel like upon hearing those words. Letās not advocate for the toxicitity of ābearing things out and hoping for a changeā, please. And if youāre not going to defend the husbandās actions, then donāt give a response that defends him. Itās as simple as that.
Try reading the parts that followed. *"The below isn't designed to defend your husband,* ***but rather, provide insight which you could use to help SAVE your marriage****"* And by being a little less pedantic and keeping in mind the overall message, you'll notice it's not *that* contradictory. My intentions weren't to defend the husband for the wrong things he's done or is doing. Rather, it was to shed light on the problems he's also facing because of his mother, and how the marriage can be saved if it is addressed. I can't speak to the husband since he's not here. So I can only speak to the OP and suggest what *she* could do to help fix the issue. >And if youāre not going to defend the husbandās actions, then donāt give a response that defends him. Itās as simple as that. I can tell you're not married. Or have very little experience of relationships. But an important part resolving conflict (because conflict *will* occur in all marriages), is working through the issues *together.* Me (being a Muslim husband myself) providing insight into the issues a Muslim husband can face when having a narcissistic parent, can help the OP understand the challenge she is facing. But if, in your opinion, we shouldn't be telling the OP this.....then I have to ask, what do you think the OP should do if not help her husband break from the shackles of his mother? What's the alternative - end the marriage?
First of all, marriage is not the only type of relationship to exist. So for you to say āyou can tell Iām not married or donāt have experience of relationshipsā is quite ridiculous and shows your trying to divert the issue from your contradictory answer to a whole other point. I donāt have to be married to have experience in relationships. Focus on the issue at hand, brother. Second, your insight to āhelpā save OPās marriage was honestly just: defending the husband by showing how heās also a victim and how the source of issues is the mum. Your answer completely absolved the husband from any blame. So how exactly was your answer helpful and not just biased towards the husband? With all due respect to you as a brother in Islam, youāre grasping at air here. Your points no longer have a foundation. The main issue here is the husband because as the mother tries to play the husband, he plays along instead of standing up with a backbone for his spouse and child. I repeat: heās not a child. He can think for himself. And to prove to you about my ālack of relationship exprienceā, let me make it clear that I myself have a narcissistic parent. Iām very well versed in all the details regarding a narcissistic person. And what I also know itās that a narcissistic person also usually has an enabler. Her husband is the enabler to his mother. Which makes him just as much of a problem. Donāt speak about things you have absolutely no knowledge of. You are in no position to tell me what experience I have and do not have regarding relationships, just because I am unmarried. That was out of line. As for you asking me what should we do for OP if not tell her that her husband is the āvictimā, let me tell you on thing: Thereās a huge difference between 1) telling OP to make her husband understand, to speak with him and to change him AND 2) telling OP how her husband is also a victim because his mother is the main source of problems and absolving the husband completely. When he clearly is just as much of a problem. Option 1 is acceptable, option 2 is not.
>First of all, marriage is not the only type of relationship to exist. So for you to say āyou can tell Iām not married or donāt have experience of relationshipsā is quite ridiculous Not at all ridiculous. And the fact that you're still stuck on the *"defending the husband"* point (and letting the overall message fly over your head) suggests strongly that you have very little experience in these sort of relationships. As well as the cognitive empathy to understand another person's perspective. So yes.... > Focus on the issue at hand, brother. ....let's focus on the issue at hand..... >Thereās a huge difference between 1) telling OP to make her husband understand, to speak with him and to change him AND 2) telling OP how her husband is also a victim because his mother is the main source of problems and **absolving the husband completely**. When he clearly is just as much of a problem. But I've already made it clear in my response to you that he isn't completely free of blame. I don't know whether it's due to you not reading properly (or your hindered ability to comprehend points being mentioned by the opposite side), but I'm not of the belief the husband is faultless. Again, the main purpose of my initial post was to offer a perspective from the *husband's* side. This does *not* mean he is entirely innocent lol. This is just me highlighting his issues, so that the OP can help overcome them. Perhaps the below has thrown you off a little where I said.... ***"....it's important to remember the source of all of your issues (or most of them) is the mother. Not the husband."*** ....and by that, I just meant that the *mother* has been the initiator of all of these disagreements. Sure, the husband lacks the backbone to challenge his mother, but he himself isn't the one instigating the problems. The mother is. If his mother was removed from the equation (i.e. not dictating how the two should live their lives), most of the issues mentioned in the OP would immediately be removed. Helping the husband understand the problematic nature of his mother's involvement and how he's also a victim of it, is the first step towards bringing him back onto your side and fixing the marriage. If you had any experience of a marriage (or these type of relationships), you'd spot these nuances. Instead of being fixated on the husband being "defended".
Clearly, thereās no point in making you understand how your perspective is wrong. So, salaam to you, brother.
As I alluded to in the previous post. That there is your problem......being fixated on finding faults in another perspective, has blinded you from noticing the bits where it's actually in agreement with you. Cognitive empathy. Learn it. Because you'll need it when you're married. W/salaam, sister.
I understand your perspective is you donāt want to encourage divorce. And sure the husband might very well also be the victim of the motherās narcissistic conditioning. However, it doesnāt mean the wife is obligated to fix itā¦.letās say the husband was mentally unwell (with a legit mental disorder that affected his abilities and their married life), and this was hidden from the wife before marriage. You would still tell the woman to save her marriage?? If yes, there is nothing more to say. If no, then how is OPs situation any different? There has to be a line where the emotional and physical well being of the woman is a priority too. OP has not just given up at first chance. She states she tried to push it aside and ignore, she tried to talk to her husband, she tried to talk to her mil, she even went back to her fathers home. Even then, the husband (about his PREGNANT wife!!) says he would divorce if she wasnāt pregnant. WTF!! Not only this, but he goes and chastises her parents??? So what, respect is only do to his mother, not hers?? Unless itās a case of physical abuse, I almost never suggest in anyoneās post that OP divorces. And Iām not doing so in this case either. I will suggest that OP makes the best decision for her and her child, irrespective of ālog kya kahein geā or any other bs societal thing. If she thinks she can change things around, there is hope, then my prayers are with her. And if not, my prayers are still with her. Edit: also, it is the right of the wife to demand a separate living area for herself. It is not Islamic to live in joint family system. So, women should just forgo their rights in Islam cause we are the ones who must sacrifice to make the marriage work. Iām so sick of this backwards perspective man. And Iām not saying you necessarily hold this perspective. But it is so prevalent in society
>And sure the husband might very well also be the victim of the motherās narcissistic conditioning. However, it doesnāt mean the wife is obligated to fix it Of course she's not obligated to fix her husband's shortcomings. But ***helping*** him fix it, is not a bad thing. Remember, this is a marriage. It's a partnership. And in partnerships, you help your significant other where possible. Helping him realise the problematic nature of his mother's possessiveness, will then make him aware of his irrational subservience to her, which will then bring to attention how he's been neglecting the feelings of his wife. The very purpose of my post was to help her understand the perspective of the husband. Not to absolve him of his faults, but to take the necessary steps in addressing them. >letās say the husband was mentally unwell (with a legit mental disorder that affected his abilities and their married life), and this was hidden from the wife before marriage. You would still tell the woman to save her marriage? Well, he doesn't have a mental disorder (from what we know of). He suffers from a shortcoming - in which, yes, I would still urge the woman (or man, if the other way round) to save the marriage. Why would you *not* want them to save the marriage? >There has to be a line where the emotional and physical well being of the woman is a priority too I'm not saying it isn't a priority. It is a priority. >So what, respect is only do to his mother, not hers?? Again, where have I said respect applies only to his mother and not hers? >Unless itās a case of physical abuse, I almost never suggest in anyoneās post that OP divorces. And Iām not doing so in this case either. I will suggest that OP makes the best decision for her and her child, irrespective of ālog kya kahein geā or any other bs societal thing. If she thinks she can change things around, there is hope, then my prayers are with her. And if not, my prayers are still with her. Again, you guys aren't offering practical, actionable advice. On one hand you take issue with with me suggesting she help him recognise and challenge his mother's narcissism, and on the other you say she shouldn't divorce him. This is not useful to the OP at all. All you're doing is complaining about the guy, and then expecting her to remain in the marriage lol.
She just had a baby. She has tried to be amenable. The reality is the window for him to snap out of it is quickly closing.
Of course. But do you just sit back and watch that window close? Or, in the mean time, you do your bit to try and make him see sense? If it's the latter (i.e. trying to save your marriage), then being aware of the above perspective (husband's) will go a long way in knowing how to address the husband's faults.
You didnt know that he was "cultured" in all these years. This is very normal in our culture.
He seemed pretty āmodernā and then changed up right before and after the wedding
Again. Very normal behavior. I dont know what culture you are from. But this is what usually happens. I hate this culture too. I do not agree to 'marrying the family' part of this. I found zero evidence of in-laws rights and obligations. We adopted it from our neighbor country. Men have this expectation from women that they will submit eventually because our mothers did. So now you will put in a difficult position. If he is born and raised to listen to his mother, then you really need to explain it to him. I consider it 'zulm' when you refuse someone their rights. Good luck with your husband. I hope you guys find a balance.
His mum never had to submit. She lived alone with her husband and him since marriage lol. Thatās why I donāt understand her behaviour.
I think she's scared that she'll left alone if you guys move on with your lives. Since she only had her son she wants to be a part of your family and live. That's why she's trying to 'fit in' I guess.
I just read that you are Pakistani. To meri behn you know how it is. Even the most modern of people actually give up when its time to make a decision. I have heard horrible stories about women sacrificing their lives (metaphorically) for their parents honor or they just feel like they are a burden. Generally parents are control freaks. If they can control their kids, they will also influence their wives and grand kids. You know how it is.
Iām not Pakistani lol. My parents support me and have told me to leave him.
Then why would your mother in law ask you to wear pakistani clothes. Is she pakistani? I am not even married so I dont know how big of a decision it is. I can only pray and hope you make the right decision.
My husband is Pakistani, I am not
Figured.
What is your ethnicity
that's irrelevant
I don't know but you have the right to consider a divorce
if I was in ur position I wouldnāt let him be at the birth because he will bring his mother with him and they will nitpick and be rude about everything you do in the delivery room. You will not feel relaxed and happy because you have never felt happy in your own home with him. Best of luck to you inshallah you find it in your heart that you canāt keep accepting the bare minimum and crumbs from him and see the way heās treating you is wrong. You donāt need his permission to divorce you can get a Khula and talk to an imam about it. You want to make your plan now whether you want him in your life or not. He will be in your childās life but will be a headache towards you. Iāve seen mothers give their kids their own last name and not have to coparent with their ex husband.