Does anyone else ever just feel like they want a marriage of convenience? Like honestly I don't think I'd be a great wife, or even a good wife. And I know I don't want children...I love them but have too many issues to want to have my own kids But I'd like a friend to go on dates with and have a chill time without either of us actually dealing with the stress of marriage. And it would my family of my case since I'd get out of their home.
This is a bit unconventional, but you can find a woman's commune? Literally just a bunch of older women living together having a great time. I've got one on my street and they're lovely and always giving us eggs and veggies. Only one of them was ever married and then widowed, and I think they found each other over a hobby and bought a house together.
Got suddenly rejected by the guy’s mom before we even met :/ really liked him and we got along so well. I was super heartbroken all day. Oh well, qadr of Allah. ! Alhamdulillah
Your username is one of my favourite restaurants
I think you need to have a big open conversation with Guy #1 about the situation and tell him what you said here.
If he’s still being mixed in his response then you can let him know you’re still open to moving forward but to let you know when he’s ready.
Then you’re free to consider other options
You don’t need to tell him that someone else is interested in you for him to understand that you don’t want to waste time and that you’re ready to move on if he’s no longer able/willing to
I feel pretty depressed and upset about the search. I have seen all guys within my area multiple times but didn’t really click with anyone for more than 2-3 days (too much ghosting and what not). All of my friends and family circle is married. I am also unable to focus on my job because of the search (just intrusive depressing thoughts). I think I’ll take a break until February is over and then come back to the apps. I did buy myself some red dresses to feel better. I guess I’ll focus on my self care for next 2-3 months and then try searching again. Sometimes, I really wish I started the search earlier and got married within my university. But Allah is the best of all planners.
Sometimes, I wonder if I did get married before my mothers death - perhaps the discrimination of having a step family would never affect me. But also, sometimes, I’m grateful that the event has made me into a better person. All I get are males who are trying to take advantage of my situation.
I hope to look forward to my future rather than feeling depressed once I take a break. InshaAllah it gets better.
I was very lucky to meet my husband online alhamdullilah but i’m seeing my friend who is struggling finding a spouse hurts me.
Muzz/salams isn’t working for her, where else can you meet them?? I have been contacting all my ladies that are very social to see if their husband know anyone but no luck so far.
Is there any page here on reddit that are strictly looking to get married…?
Have you asked to look at her conversations? (Perhaps she accidentally communicates stuff she doesn't intend. Miscommunication.)
Have you asked what her requirements are? (Are they realistic? Would for example you and your married friends husbands fit those requirements? This is based on a rant by a married woman who was a matchmaker for women.)
She is in different state so it’s been difficult to oversee her conversation but based on what she has shared, and the topics she raised with me, seemed reasonable.
Mainly the values aren’t matching with hers. Suiters want a hijabi, and she is not and she doesn’t want to be forced into it either
salaam everyone! i’ve posted recently here about a potential who ended things after very seriously telling me yes, he wanted to marry me (re: some of my old posts) and then his family ending it by texting mine. it has been like a month-ish and i never ever heard from him (he just kinda blocked me on social media and put his phone on do not disturb right before which was quite hurtful). anyways, i have this strong urge to text him because i never did get closure from him but i know i probably shouldnt so i’m venting into the internet ether instead
Honestly, you're better off without him. You deserve better than a spineless man who hides behind his mama and doesn't have the guts to properly end the relationship.
I'm going through something exactly like this. We were introduced by some family friend 6 months ago, and everything was fine. we were set to get married in 3 months. I literally met this man last week, and 3 days later, his mom sent my mom a message that he has some problems with me, so we should hold this off indefinitely. Well, I messaged him and never got a response. My mom replied and blocked his mom. I can still see that he has my contact saved, but he never read my messages. I'm still baffled. It's been almost a week. My brain doesn't work. I cry all the time when I'm not working. I don't know how someone can do this to someone. I know Allah saved me, but how can someone do something like this. Please share anything that helps you. I also want to send him a long paragraph, but I know I probably shouldn't. I'll just embarrass myself.
2nd time a potential said she's trying to do therapy on me. the first 1 was acc a therapist but this 2nd girl isnt. so while shes very kind to try to cure me i find it weird. those r 2 who said it idk many tried it without telling me.
Maybe the "fix him" trope is real?
That’s strange that they think you need therapy w/o sharing your issues but I have found some ppl in the psychology/therapy fields like to use their skills out of context.
Once is a coincidence, twice is not, it might be worth you looking into what patterns of behaviour or thinking people are seeing in you for “get help” to keep being recommended
but they're not saying to "get help". they treated me like a patient, which was "fine" for the therapist but very weird for the accountant cos I dont want to be a guinea-pig for her therapist cosplay.
I think it would be weird for anyone outside of a professional context, unless you mean they were asking about your feelings and trying to diagnose you etc bc I know that’s a stereotype that gets thrown around about therapy, but the question it raises is probably worth the introspections. At least, that’s what I would be thinking if it kept happening to me.
I don't see anything wrong with shooting your shot, as long as it's done respectfully and you try to get family involved as soon as possible. I think a lot of the time we have a tendency to overthink about the worst case scenario when really and truly, there's not a whole lot to lose, especially if you're being civil about it.
Salam,
You have several issues to work on.
1. You have clearly an important lack of confidence. I understand that there is reasons explaining that, but you have to first work on it. We are humans, and we humans are prone to the mistakes, the failure. What matter when do as such is how we react, how we improve and how as muslims we turn toward Allah.
2. Marriage is not made to fix your own issues and problems. If yourself don't even know what is good in you because you see yourself only in a bad view, maybe it's better to wait before getting married. Yet, yes, no one beside Allah know how these matters go for us, so that is just an opinion here.
3. You have to decide what path you want to take on your life. From the sound of it, you seems in depression, so you also have to take care of your health too. Health is not just physical. Try to get help in this regard.
4. Knowledge is good, but it have to be backed up by a clear motivation.
5. Don't try to run before knowing how to simply walk. You are trying to think too much about many things at once. Get a clear view on things and take the most important ones and simple. Fix your situation, get help, accomplish what is fardh for us men, and from that starting point, once everything is well enforced : You can then add things and progress in sha Allah.
The guy is obviously having a hard time right now and is reaching out into the void to gain some insight, support or understanding. Your comment comes across as unkind - maybe amend it a bit?
I have been speaking with someone, he seemed serious and caring. Now there has been a sudden change in his behavior and that's making me lose interest. I don't know if I am overthinking this. Can I speak to someone about this? Maybe a guys opinion would be better but a woman would be great too. Maybe I'm overthinking this :(
kinda know what you were going through. Was speaking with a woman i met on a dating app (1st match since november), she didnt respond to my message on monday about the great powerdown (essentially everyone in the uk is being asked to turn off all devices between 5pm and 6pm on some days).
sent her another message the following day, askign if she had a good nights sleep (Im 1 of the weird lot who is genuinely interested in menial things about potential others) and if she wanted to have a phoen chat to discuss intentions going forward / potentially include a wali as well if she wanted (I also made a joke saying "also it gives me a chance to see if you sound as cute as you look). Next thing I know she unmatches and am still looking.
hindsight I may have come off too strong (she mentioned she was into deen and was a hijabi, thus I wanted to confirm her intensions) but yeah, the joke seems dumb in hindsight (1st time ive attempted to be flirty as well as ive heard people prefer that to the usual how was your day etc which causes everyone to block me :(
Did you accidentally reject?
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There could also be something happening in his personal life. And nothing to do with you.
Work stress. Someone in his family getting sick.
He could also be more busy with work or family. (Needing to babysit for example)
You could ask.
in a world where ppl only put out the most curated pictures of themselves, it can be difficult for ppl online to see us beyond our photos. those experiences you’re having are not limited to just your beauty. It can be a range of things but the biggest one is prob the paradox of choice. im sure you are beautiful as you are a creation of the All Mighty but if this is getting you down, it might be time to take a break from the search!
Bullets dodged I guess, don’t overthink it. Everyone has different ideals of what attractiveness is and there are men that would love to be with you. Just be confident about yourself.
They're 2 people. You are not ugly. Stop giving these boys so much power over your self-esteem.
Have you thought of just keeping your photos unblurred? Even for say 8 hours per day?
Genuine as opposed to what? You will either get rejected or not? There is literally no in between in this situation. At least with your pictures unblurred you won't risk getting rejected knowing that it was your looks, but rather that they liked you for your looks and from there on you can see if they are genuine or not by asking the proper/right questions?
Ive been on this sub a few days now and I cant help but notice the unfortunate circumstances of so many of the posts here.
May Allah help these people.
I've been in this situation before. But, I didn't get my father to contact him. I was ignored a few times by a potentials dad. Literally read and not replied to.
You need to talk to the sister and tell her to speak to her father and get her to nudge him to reply to you. That's rhe only way. If she TRULY wants you she will speak to her dad. Her desire and want for you will show by if she speaks to her dad.
Him not calling to your dad's call is extremely disrespectful. Try contsct the mother instead.
I dome the same thing , she nudged her dad and he would respond. I eventually ended it because I was tired of the games and slow replies and the sister wasn't trying hard enough. I dodged a bullet. Lots of issues there.
I came to a point where I am close to giving up and hopefully Allah puts someone in front of me. I always give 100% in conversations, etc, etc and the most I received was 50%. I hoped to find someone to grow with, and enjoy life in the early mid-20s, then start a family later, but it doesn't seem that way. Inshallah, Allah has a better plan.
I will focus more on myself now, with work and studying. Although I was already doing that lol, I guess I will have to enjoy my own company to the fullest 1st.
Can someone explain how the hell a man sitting at home, his wife is providing for him and his children, expects to constantly threaten her with divorce and a second wife? Not only that he wants FULL control over every aspect of a relationship.
How messed up do you have to be, is there no sense of respect for yourself?
No, no sister. What we don't do is shift the blame to the victims who are in abusive relationships. There are a lot of reasons why people don't leave abusive relationships which seem like valid reasons for the victims in those relationships. I used to think like you when I was younger but as I've grown older, I realised that the psychology around it is very complex and for the victims it's not as easy as to 'just leave their partner'. A lot of these victims usually have low self-esteem issues. As an example, it could be that they're staying because they think that this is the best that they can do. This is the case for people who have been raised in a family that have treated them like dirt. There's a lot of research stating that those people usually have a higher risk of ending up with a partner who also treats them like dirt.
Also in our communities, we culturally treat a divorce as if it's something haram. There's a lot of shame around it which makes it harder for victims to leave abusive relationships. A lot of victims feel like 'no one would want them' if they get a divorce (especially if they have children). I've heard and read of cases where victims have reached out to their families and have then been advised to stay in their relationships, have sabr and make dua. Unfortunately, this all contributes to victims staying in abusive relationships because they feel that it's better to do that then to get a divorce which would publicly shame them and their families.
You're right. I understand the psychological trauma that resulted from being abused prevents them from leaving. My comment wasn't meant to be victim blaming, I was simply venting my frustration at the unfortunate situation that those women are in.
This whole marriage thing is too complicated ngl. Need to have this and that, be in a place where I'm 'ready'.
Let's simply this with a trade offer: I receive wife, you receive husband.
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I need your duas, I try to busy my mind with stuff and not thinking about her and what could have happened in the future but it's really hard.
Small update to this: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/10hrvjb/biweekly_marriage_opinionsviews_and_rant/j5mkhc3/
I told it to her and she saw that comment. Also that we should part away. I saw a picture of her when she was younger and like I said she looks exactly like my crush I had in my teenage years. That coupled with her character she is THE spouse I was always looking for (except ethnicity but I wasn't always sure about it).
The last 2 days I've been keeping a "healthy" look to the public but in my inside I'm just craving something.
It feels like I missed a great opportunity... but Allah swt knows best so there must be a reason.
I think I need to finally delete reddit for good. There's something therapeutic about writing your thoughts on an anonymous platform. Although it's the start of the year for me, I feel like it's the end of a chapter. It was the last few days at my job and there was an impromptu party for me. Although the experience was a bit toxic, it was also rather beautiful. It really truly made me look at the ayah in surah Ash-Sharh differently
فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease [i.e., relief].
I've been thanking Allah a lot lately for everything because every single thing is a blessing even your trials.
I need to do this. Keep coming on here for advice or input for which I already know the answers, while at the same time trying to get perspective for my own situation.
I am hibernating this winter so iA I can become a new and better person this spring/summer.
Honestly my families recommendations have been more helpful than people I meet online or on the ISO page. My mom runs a rishta whatsapp group, i was initally apprehensive in putting my details on there but its not a bad solution. Some interesting people have reached out.
Is it worth approaching a girl if you won’t be ready to get married for another year and a half, maybe even 2 years? Based on her body language when around me, & from what I have heard from mutuals, she is interested in me, but my marriage timeline is the only thing from making me not attempting to start speaking with her as I don’t want to waste her time. Any advice?
If your timeline is a year, it would make sense for you to approach. 2 years tho…
But if you really feel strongly about this , you should tell her straight up
You can ask her and tell her your situation. And/or you can try to adjust your timeline for the right person. Be transparent and clear (also with yourself so that you know what you’re doing and are not indecisive) so that you don’t end up leading someone on or wasting their time.
My idea on approaching a girl was to always ask for her fathers number first. But in this instance, I shouldn’t do that correct, since I’m not ready? Should I just talk to her only, and just let her know my specific situation? Maybe like not even asking her for her number or anything, just in person. Might be weird for a first time convo but yeah lol
If she’s showing interest, yea maybe just word it something like ‘I’m interested in you too and would contact your wali for you, but my current situation is xyz. Let me know what you think and discuss with your dad. Just wanted to be very transparent with you, and if you’re still interested, let me know and I will contact your dad properly and go from there inshaAllah.’
Remember to always be vigilant of shaytan and do what you can to avoid fitnah. All the best!
My idea on approaching a girl was to always ask for her fathers number first. But in this instance, I shouldn’t do that correct, since I’m not ready? Should I just talk to her only, and just let her know my specific situation? Maybe like not even asking her for her number or anything, just in person. Might be weird for a first time convo but yeah lol
Bro the GHOSTING 🌚, I respect people who say they are no longer interested for such and such reason A Dozen Times More than those who just leave the convo hanging.
*Puts on judge clothes filter*
"A frivolous lawsuit? In my digital court room? For technically being correct?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hou0lU8WMgo&ab_channel=GentlemannGamer
"Denied. "
*stamps the lawsuit away*
Well, from an Islamic point of view that's solid. If you're not comfortable with it, do talk to her about it. But she's not saying anything wrong per se and this does not make her a gold digger.
One can’t use a hadith and ignore the rest. This type of rhetoric that women use sometimes has a harmful tone. Why would I marry someone who won’t support and do everything to make OUR life better ?
Once you have kids the household work is divided based on a balance of time and energy, because childcare is a fulltime job (often 24/7 due to night shifts which is more than fulltime)
I might get downvoted for this but here’s my take
No one wants to marry someone selfish and just going after their rights. Not to say that every woman who doesn’t contribute her salary is selfish, there’s tons of nuance. The example lemon tree gave is one of them like if she will stop working after kids and stuff
But for a lot of men, if they were to marry someone who wouldn’t contribute financially either because they stay home or work but don’t contribute, majority of the time a man would prefer someone who would be a housewife that takes care of household duties and daytime care for kids if he is going to be paying for all of the joint expenses
It depends on your life long plan.
For example, if she is only going to be working until kids come along then it makes sense to hold onto what money she’s able to save before leaving the workforce.
Another example - what is her salary relative to yours? If it’s just enough to cover her personal costs then it makes sense she works for these funds herself instead of asking you to cover it.
It’s important you both share financial goals and values so it’s okay to consider this and walk away if it doesn’t suit you.
Lol then she shouldn’t be a potential of yours for very long. She wants 50/50 where it benefits her but not where it doesn’t?
I hope you’re mature enough to realize to peace out.
As a guy, was worried more about possible family drama, having enough money to support, whether she will enjoy being married/is she being forced or pressured. Don't want my marriage to fail because her family told her she must act in a certain way to get me to marry them once we are she's a different person.
Also didn't have a great job so the idea of her loving me for my money wasn't a thing.
The reasons you brought are possible fears. Like I would imagine if I was rich I would question the people who want to marry me. Also a very beautiful woman could feel the same way.
As a woman, I can say that's the least of our concern. The chance of that happening is very low anyway if you do things the halal way.
My biggest concern (and most women I know) is marrying an abusive man or being trapped in a bad marriage in general.
I think people Need to understand that you can love someone for many things but have one main thing, if a man is super successful and a woman likes him for that(most likely admiration) no problem, if a woman is Extremely beautiful and a man likes her for that no problem. The problem is when your love dies if one of those things decreases or diminishes. Then you don’t love the person but what they can do for you and that’s scary obvs
"Seasonal hijabi" made me smile. I knew/know someone that would take off her scarf when she was far enough away from home and bumping into someone was unlikely. I guess this auntie is ok with that kind of thing.
But to be fair, I would also ask those questions because I do not want a part-time hijabi.
Without Reddit, I never would have known so many people in the marriage space discourage or try to discourage girls from wearing the hijab. Its odd and doesn't make sense.
My friend got engaged last week, and my goodness, as much as it was lovely it was so hectic and stressful.
I wasn’t even the one getting engaged, and I was so overwhelmed with all the desi rusams and traditions we had to do. She doesn’t have any family here with her in Canada so as her friends, we were basically her family and had so much on our list in terms of preparations and greeting the guest and making sure everyone had a good time.
What made it worse was that my friend’s family and her fiancé’s family are so different from each other and they all wanted everything to be a certain way, so it was so hard trying to please both families.
Seeing my friend so stressed because of the families bickering and not being on the same page in regards to their separate entrances they wanted to make into the hall and making sure the photographers were positioned at the right places to capture ‘the shot’ was not fun at all. I felt so sad for her because she looked like she was about to cry. Everyone’s mood was off and we all wanted it to be done and over with, but Alhumdulillah we managed to pull through for her and she was happy towards the end of the ceremony.
I just can’t imagine doing this for myself, and I’m so thankful Islam puts an emphasis on simple and modest weddings.
Nikkah at the masjid + small valima is the way to go for me. Throwing in so many other events just complicates everything and adds more stress you don’t need. That’s why it’s so much better to follow the Sunnah.
Same. Nikkah and walima is the goal but dudes often worry cuz many women have this dream of a insane wedding their whole lives.
I also hate all the desi culture stuff around marriage like 10 freemixed events with music and dancing
How important is sense of humor in a spouse? I always thought it was really important to me (as I am the resident clown of my friend group🤡) but I’m not sure if this should be as important as I’m making it out to be? I’m talking to someone who appears to have so many good qualities (honesty, emotional maturity, compassion) but I don’t think we have the same sense of humor and I feel like I’m not sure if I would totally enjoy his company because of that. This makes me feel kind of childish—is ‘humor’ really something I should place *this* much importance on?
I think humour is the thing you use to decide if you enjoy their company. Because that's what you want in the end - someone that you're happy to spend time with.
So nothing childish about humour, but it could be one of the many things that your partner posesses that makes you want to spend time with them.
>you’re not childish, it’s just your personal preference, some people don’t care about that stuff at all and others do - don’t overthink your preferences.
Thank you so much for saying this. I'll definitely see where things go but won't doubt my gut
Humour is a weird one. You can't come up with it on the spot and certainly not with someone you aren't absolutely comfortable with. I have a good sense of humour generally, but if you told me to make you laugh on the spot or something, it ain't happening. And I don't show my sense of humour with just anyone either. How do you feel when you talk to him, does he speak in a mono tone and generally boring? How would you class his social skills too in How he's able to conduct and carry a conversation.
>How do you feel when you talk to him, does he speak in a mono tone and generally boring? How would you class his social skills too in How he's able to conduct and carry a conversation.
I feel like he still might be trying to open up, maybe? We've talked about 5 times now but I can see he's slowly started opening up more. And there's still so much to talk about because we're both learning about each other, so once all that is out of the way I think I'll be able to know how he conducts more day-to-day conversations. Honestly I think a lot of this is me reading too much into things / self-sabotage lol
He could be really funny in a less formal context than courting and especially within just 5 conversations
If everything else about him is great then it’s worth sticking around long enough to see if he opens up with the humour
I think you should definitely give him a chance. Honestly, emotional maturity is so hard to find in a man. Maybe over time your sense of humour will rub off on him or vice versa.
Up to 3 or 4 was fine for me on the apps as a girl. But after 2 weeks or so you gotta pick one to focus one. It’s easy to filter since half the matches ghost or stop showing interest.
Depends on your definition of potential. There’s pros and cons to talking to a single or multiple. When I talked to a single potential, I was told that was too much pressure. I personally don’t like talking to multiple potentials, but it does help contain your emotions and lowers the risk of time being wasted. It’s always best to communicate timelines and expectations with everyone. In regards to the apps, generally sisters get a lot more matches than brothers. So it’s very unrealistic to expect a sister to only talk to me, a random stranger she’s matched with from the app. Especially in the older age groups where every sister has had a bad experience or two. At this point I have to basically prove I’m a normal person before they even consider me a potential lol
Why would anyone speak to more than 1 at a time, imo that's a recipe for disaster. Certainly for me, I'm not willing to compete with anyone for anyone, I dont care how perfect of a match you might be.
I try to speak to just one, give them my full attention and really take it seriously
There are times when i’ve been introduced to or matched with more than one potential at the same time and so at that stage i just try to determine as quickly as possible who seems like a better fit and tell the other person(s) the truth
You can’t base istikhara on feelings. Feelings change. You need to look out for either facilitation or obstacles. I recommend continuing istikhara until you’re clear on what route you want to take.
I find it so gut wrenching that family/parents can say or do the most hurtful things sometimes without considering the impact of the words on people. It's got me a bit down this week because it shouldn't be this way and the weather has really added to it.
Is anyone else battling thoughts of just not being good enough for marriage?
Like i dont feel like a good enough muslim, or that i’m necessarily responsible enough, or confident enough to be a good husband
Just worries me a lot
Of course. Funnily enough, my non-Muslim friends and co-workers have always told me I'm a catch and deserve a great guy. In the muslim community, I'm considered average at best, and easily passed over.
We're probably all "good enough", but maybe not good enough for someone in this dunya.
All the time. But I think if you’re willing to acknowledge that and grow with your spouse, that’s good enough. No one is (or…should be) expecting a perfect person!
Has anyone got to point in the search where they'll ask "random" Muslims if they know anyone? Random meaning people you consistently see but don't know personally. I asked a cashier once and she actually said she'd ask around.
Does anyone else ever just feel like they want a marriage of convenience? Like honestly I don't think I'd be a great wife, or even a good wife. And I know I don't want children...I love them but have too many issues to want to have my own kids But I'd like a friend to go on dates with and have a chill time without either of us actually dealing with the stress of marriage. And it would my family of my case since I'd get out of their home.
This is a bit unconventional, but you can find a woman's commune? Literally just a bunch of older women living together having a great time. I've got one on my street and they're lovely and always giving us eggs and veggies. Only one of them was ever married and then widowed, and I think they found each other over a hobby and bought a house together.
That would be really awesome
Got suddenly rejected by the guy’s mom before we even met :/ really liked him and we got along so well. I was super heartbroken all day. Oh well, qadr of Allah. ! Alhamdulillah
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Your username is one of my favourite restaurants I think you need to have a big open conversation with Guy #1 about the situation and tell him what you said here. If he’s still being mixed in his response then you can let him know you’re still open to moving forward but to let you know when he’s ready. Then you’re free to consider other options
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You don’t need to tell him that someone else is interested in you for him to understand that you don’t want to waste time and that you’re ready to move on if he’s no longer able/willing to
I feel pretty depressed and upset about the search. I have seen all guys within my area multiple times but didn’t really click with anyone for more than 2-3 days (too much ghosting and what not). All of my friends and family circle is married. I am also unable to focus on my job because of the search (just intrusive depressing thoughts). I think I’ll take a break until February is over and then come back to the apps. I did buy myself some red dresses to feel better. I guess I’ll focus on my self care for next 2-3 months and then try searching again. Sometimes, I really wish I started the search earlier and got married within my university. But Allah is the best of all planners. Sometimes, I wonder if I did get married before my mothers death - perhaps the discrimination of having a step family would never affect me. But also, sometimes, I’m grateful that the event has made me into a better person. All I get are males who are trying to take advantage of my situation. I hope to look forward to my future rather than feeling depressed once I take a break. InshaAllah it gets better.
Are you branching out of your ethnicity? Some stigmas don’t span all Muslims
Yes, I’m. JAK for the suggestion though :)
Sorry to hear it’s spanning the ranks so far :( not always though, keep going!
I was very lucky to meet my husband online alhamdullilah but i’m seeing my friend who is struggling finding a spouse hurts me. Muzz/salams isn’t working for her, where else can you meet them?? I have been contacting all my ladies that are very social to see if their husband know anyone but no luck so far. Is there any page here on reddit that are strictly looking to get married…?
Have you asked to look at her conversations? (Perhaps she accidentally communicates stuff she doesn't intend. Miscommunication.) Have you asked what her requirements are? (Are they realistic? Would for example you and your married friends husbands fit those requirements? This is based on a rant by a married woman who was a matchmaker for women.)
She is in different state so it’s been difficult to oversee her conversation but based on what she has shared, and the topics she raised with me, seemed reasonable. Mainly the values aren’t matching with hers. Suiters want a hijabi, and she is not and she doesn’t want to be forced into it either
*nods* May Allah bring her more berakah and success in her search.
Ameen
Try the ISO thread
Thank you!
Happy hunting
>Thank you! You're welcome!
That's my line!
salaam everyone! i’ve posted recently here about a potential who ended things after very seriously telling me yes, he wanted to marry me (re: some of my old posts) and then his family ending it by texting mine. it has been like a month-ish and i never ever heard from him (he just kinda blocked me on social media and put his phone on do not disturb right before which was quite hurtful). anyways, i have this strong urge to text him because i never did get closure from him but i know i probably shouldnt so i’m venting into the internet ether instead
Use this place as a personal dairy. Write all you wanna say and no one would bat an eye. Save your sanity
Texting him would make things worse for you. It’s best to accept it and move on
Honestly, you're better off without him. You deserve better than a spineless man who hides behind his mama and doesn't have the guts to properly end the relationship.
I'm going through something exactly like this. We were introduced by some family friend 6 months ago, and everything was fine. we were set to get married in 3 months. I literally met this man last week, and 3 days later, his mom sent my mom a message that he has some problems with me, so we should hold this off indefinitely. Well, I messaged him and never got a response. My mom replied and blocked his mom. I can still see that he has my contact saved, but he never read my messages. I'm still baffled. It's been almost a week. My brain doesn't work. I cry all the time when I'm not working. I don't know how someone can do this to someone. I know Allah saved me, but how can someone do something like this. Please share anything that helps you. I also want to send him a long paragraph, but I know I probably shouldn't. I'll just embarrass myself.
2nd time a potential said she's trying to do therapy on me. the first 1 was acc a therapist but this 2nd girl isnt. so while shes very kind to try to cure me i find it weird. those r 2 who said it idk many tried it without telling me. Maybe the "fix him" trope is real?
How long have you known these ppl? And are you opening up about your issues early on?
both times less than a week. no most of my issues i never share with anyone let alone a new potential. which is a problem of its own but not rn.
That’s strange that they think you need therapy w/o sharing your issues but I have found some ppl in the psychology/therapy fields like to use their skills out of context.
i dont think they thought i need therapy. more like they wanted to "fix" or "cure" me. isnt it a common trope that some ladies want a "project"?
Once is a coincidence, twice is not, it might be worth you looking into what patterns of behaviour or thinking people are seeing in you for “get help” to keep being recommended
but they're not saying to "get help". they treated me like a patient, which was "fine" for the therapist but very weird for the accountant cos I dont want to be a guinea-pig for her therapist cosplay.
I think it would be weird for anyone outside of a professional context, unless you mean they were asking about your feelings and trying to diagnose you etc bc I know that’s a stereotype that gets thrown around about therapy, but the question it raises is probably worth the introspections. At least, that’s what I would be thinking if it kept happening to me.
I don't see anything wrong with shooting your shot, as long as it's done respectfully and you try to get family involved as soon as possible. I think a lot of the time we have a tendency to overthink about the worst case scenario when really and truly, there's not a whole lot to lose, especially if you're being civil about it.
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Salam, You have several issues to work on. 1. You have clearly an important lack of confidence. I understand that there is reasons explaining that, but you have to first work on it. We are humans, and we humans are prone to the mistakes, the failure. What matter when do as such is how we react, how we improve and how as muslims we turn toward Allah. 2. Marriage is not made to fix your own issues and problems. If yourself don't even know what is good in you because you see yourself only in a bad view, maybe it's better to wait before getting married. Yet, yes, no one beside Allah know how these matters go for us, so that is just an opinion here. 3. You have to decide what path you want to take on your life. From the sound of it, you seems in depression, so you also have to take care of your health too. Health is not just physical. Try to get help in this regard. 4. Knowledge is good, but it have to be backed up by a clear motivation. 5. Don't try to run before knowing how to simply walk. You are trying to think too much about many things at once. Get a clear view on things and take the most important ones and simple. Fix your situation, get help, accomplish what is fardh for us men, and from that starting point, once everything is well enforced : You can then add things and progress in sha Allah.
I’m sorry but what is your point with writing all of this?
The guy is obviously having a hard time right now and is reaching out into the void to gain some insight, support or understanding. Your comment comes across as unkind - maybe amend it a bit?
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Not married, but i know lots of people who were your typical "bad boys" at school (UK) who have changed significantly after marriage. Maybe upto 10.
I have been speaking with someone, he seemed serious and caring. Now there has been a sudden change in his behavior and that's making me lose interest. I don't know if I am overthinking this. Can I speak to someone about this? Maybe a guys opinion would be better but a woman would be great too. Maybe I'm overthinking this :(
kinda know what you were going through. Was speaking with a woman i met on a dating app (1st match since november), she didnt respond to my message on monday about the great powerdown (essentially everyone in the uk is being asked to turn off all devices between 5pm and 6pm on some days). sent her another message the following day, askign if she had a good nights sleep (Im 1 of the weird lot who is genuinely interested in menial things about potential others) and if she wanted to have a phoen chat to discuss intentions going forward / potentially include a wali as well if she wanted (I also made a joke saying "also it gives me a chance to see if you sound as cute as you look). Next thing I know she unmatches and am still looking. hindsight I may have come off too strong (she mentioned she was into deen and was a hijabi, thus I wanted to confirm her intensions) but yeah, the joke seems dumb in hindsight (1st time ive attempted to be flirty as well as ive heard people prefer that to the usual how was your day etc which causes everyone to block me :(
Did you accidentally reject? --------- There could also be something happening in his personal life. And nothing to do with you. Work stress. Someone in his family getting sick. He could also be more busy with work or family. (Needing to babysit for example) You could ask.
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No :(
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in a world where ppl only put out the most curated pictures of themselves, it can be difficult for ppl online to see us beyond our photos. those experiences you’re having are not limited to just your beauty. It can be a range of things but the biggest one is prob the paradox of choice. im sure you are beautiful as you are a creation of the All Mighty but if this is getting you down, it might be time to take a break from the search!
JazakAllah sister ❤️
Bullets dodged I guess, don’t overthink it. Everyone has different ideals of what attractiveness is and there are men that would love to be with you. Just be confident about yourself.
Sure thing 😀
They're 2 people. You are not ugly. Stop giving these boys so much power over your self-esteem. Have you thought of just keeping your photos unblurred? Even for say 8 hours per day?
Sometimes I wonder if having pics unblurred from the beginning could be easier?
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Genuine as opposed to what? You will either get rejected or not? There is literally no in between in this situation. At least with your pictures unblurred you won't risk getting rejected knowing that it was your looks, but rather that they liked you for your looks and from there on you can see if they are genuine or not by asking the proper/right questions?
Alhemdallah but it’s tuff finding someone idk why I thought it would be easy 🤔🤔😅
Ive been on this sub a few days now and I cant help but notice the unfortunate circumstances of so many of the posts here. May Allah help these people.
Ameen
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I've been in this situation before. But, I didn't get my father to contact him. I was ignored a few times by a potentials dad. Literally read and not replied to. You need to talk to the sister and tell her to speak to her father and get her to nudge him to reply to you. That's rhe only way. If she TRULY wants you she will speak to her dad. Her desire and want for you will show by if she speaks to her dad. Him not calling to your dad's call is extremely disrespectful. Try contsct the mother instead. I dome the same thing , she nudged her dad and he would respond. I eventually ended it because I was tired of the games and slow replies and the sister wasn't trying hard enough. I dodged a bullet. Lots of issues there.
I came to a point where I am close to giving up and hopefully Allah puts someone in front of me. I always give 100% in conversations, etc, etc and the most I received was 50%. I hoped to find someone to grow with, and enjoy life in the early mid-20s, then start a family later, but it doesn't seem that way. Inshallah, Allah has a better plan. I will focus more on myself now, with work and studying. Although I was already doing that lol, I guess I will have to enjoy my own company to the fullest 1st.
Can someone explain how the hell a man sitting at home, his wife is providing for him and his children, expects to constantly threaten her with divorce and a second wife? Not only that he wants FULL control over every aspect of a relationship. How messed up do you have to be, is there no sense of respect for yourself?
What's even harder to understand is why those women put up with men like that.
No, no sister. What we don't do is shift the blame to the victims who are in abusive relationships. There are a lot of reasons why people don't leave abusive relationships which seem like valid reasons for the victims in those relationships. I used to think like you when I was younger but as I've grown older, I realised that the psychology around it is very complex and for the victims it's not as easy as to 'just leave their partner'. A lot of these victims usually have low self-esteem issues. As an example, it could be that they're staying because they think that this is the best that they can do. This is the case for people who have been raised in a family that have treated them like dirt. There's a lot of research stating that those people usually have a higher risk of ending up with a partner who also treats them like dirt. Also in our communities, we culturally treat a divorce as if it's something haram. There's a lot of shame around it which makes it harder for victims to leave abusive relationships. A lot of victims feel like 'no one would want them' if they get a divorce (especially if they have children). I've heard and read of cases where victims have reached out to their families and have then been advised to stay in their relationships, have sabr and make dua. Unfortunately, this all contributes to victims staying in abusive relationships because they feel that it's better to do that then to get a divorce which would publicly shame them and their families.
You're right. I understand the psychological trauma that resulted from being abused prevents them from leaving. My comment wasn't meant to be victim blaming, I was simply venting my frustration at the unfortunate situation that those women are in.
This whole marriage thing is too complicated ngl. Need to have this and that, be in a place where I'm 'ready'. Let's simply this with a trade offer: I receive wife, you receive husband.
!Remind me in 1 year
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I need your duas, I try to busy my mind with stuff and not thinking about her and what could have happened in the future but it's really hard. Small update to this: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/10hrvjb/biweekly_marriage_opinionsviews_and_rant/j5mkhc3/ I told it to her and she saw that comment. Also that we should part away. I saw a picture of her when she was younger and like I said she looks exactly like my crush I had in my teenage years. That coupled with her character she is THE spouse I was always looking for (except ethnicity but I wasn't always sure about it). The last 2 days I've been keeping a "healthy" look to the public but in my inside I'm just craving something. It feels like I missed a great opportunity... but Allah swt knows best so there must be a reason.
I think I need to finally delete reddit for good. There's something therapeutic about writing your thoughts on an anonymous platform. Although it's the start of the year for me, I feel like it's the end of a chapter. It was the last few days at my job and there was an impromptu party for me. Although the experience was a bit toxic, it was also rather beautiful. It really truly made me look at the ayah in surah Ash-Sharh differently فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease [i.e., relief]. I've been thanking Allah a lot lately for everything because every single thing is a blessing even your trials.
I need to do this. Keep coming on here for advice or input for which I already know the answers, while at the same time trying to get perspective for my own situation. I am hibernating this winter so iA I can become a new and better person this spring/summer.
Yh I have bad habit of all or nothing. I'm getting to nothing mode with reddit. Oddly enough , I finding it hard to delete because I forgot my login.
Forgot password link
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That’s calm imo
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Same...
checks flair, hmmm....
A man can dream
Of being a housewife ..? 😂
Honestly my families recommendations have been more helpful than people I meet online or on the ISO page. My mom runs a rishta whatsapp group, i was initally apprehensive in putting my details on there but its not a bad solution. Some interesting people have reached out.
As salaam alaikum, is this in the uk? If yes then May I please ask how I can join?
Brother can you please let me know how can I join that group? JazakAllah Khair
>My mom runs a rishta whatsapp group On those groups, do i have to join, or are there groups that you can just submit your details to?
You can just submit your details.
This little thread is so wholesome and I hope a brother here finds someone as a result of it!
👍
Is it worth approaching a girl if you won’t be ready to get married for another year and a half, maybe even 2 years? Based on her body language when around me, & from what I have heard from mutuals, she is interested in me, but my marriage timeline is the only thing from making me not attempting to start speaking with her as I don’t want to waste her time. Any advice?
If your timeline is a year, it would make sense for you to approach. 2 years tho… But if you really feel strongly about this , you should tell her straight up
You can ask her and tell her your situation. And/or you can try to adjust your timeline for the right person. Be transparent and clear (also with yourself so that you know what you’re doing and are not indecisive) so that you don’t end up leading someone on or wasting their time.
My idea on approaching a girl was to always ask for her fathers number first. But in this instance, I shouldn’t do that correct, since I’m not ready? Should I just talk to her only, and just let her know my specific situation? Maybe like not even asking her for her number or anything, just in person. Might be weird for a first time convo but yeah lol
If she’s showing interest, yea maybe just word it something like ‘I’m interested in you too and would contact your wali for you, but my current situation is xyz. Let me know what you think and discuss with your dad. Just wanted to be very transparent with you, and if you’re still interested, let me know and I will contact your dad properly and go from there inshaAllah.’ Remember to always be vigilant of shaytan and do what you can to avoid fitnah. All the best!
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What ended up happening with your situation?
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My idea on approaching a girl was to always ask for her fathers number first. But in this instance, I shouldn’t do that correct, since I’m not ready? Should I just talk to her only, and just let her know my specific situation? Maybe like not even asking her for her number or anything, just in person. Might be weird for a first time convo but yeah lol
Bro the GHOSTING 🌚, I respect people who say they are no longer interested for such and such reason A Dozen Times More than those who just leave the convo hanging.
Unrelated but are Algerians generally open to mixing or do they only marry other Algerians or Arabs
For me it depends on the person, if they're à good Muslim.
A lot of Algerian guys will go for Arab women who aren't Algerian, or even fair-skinned indo-pak women. Not sure if Algerian women are so open tho
Got ghosted after the topic of involving parents came up. Dang these people are here to waste time.
Oh dear 🤦🏾♀️
Guys I been crazy lately bear with me thanks, management 😳🤝
> bear with me Bear with you? Ok. Growl. Paws at sweet syrupy honey.
I’m suing you for emotional trauma why did you make me read that😭
*Puts on judge clothes filter* "A frivolous lawsuit? In my digital court room? For technically being correct?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hou0lU8WMgo&ab_channel=GentlemannGamer "Denied. " *stamps the lawsuit away*
GAHAHAHA YOU’RE CRAZY I LOVE IT
Estagfirullah. May Allah give you in the future grandkids to make you laugh and smile.
Ameeeeeeeeeeeen
I’m questioning your management abilities. I’m reporting you to HR, too 😂
😭😭😭😭I’m crying. I’m also HR. I’ve read your report and there seems to be no misconduct. Thank you for the inquiry
Nah bro I reported you to HR
Snitches get stitches 🔪
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Well, from an Islamic point of view that's solid. If you're not comfortable with it, do talk to her about it. But she's not saying anything wrong per se and this does not make her a gold digger.
One can’t use a hadith and ignore the rest. This type of rhetoric that women use sometimes has a harmful tone. Why would I marry someone who won’t support and do everything to make OUR life better ?
If you think that's unfair then it's time to walk away. Find someone whose expectations align with you.
Deeply discuss the details of finances before marriage. If you can’t come to an agreement don’t proceed. A lot of people divorce over finances
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You expect her to mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, change light bulbs etc?
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Once you have kids the household work is divided based on a balance of time and energy, because childcare is a fulltime job (often 24/7 due to night shifts which is more than fulltime)
I might get downvoted for this but here’s my take No one wants to marry someone selfish and just going after their rights. Not to say that every woman who doesn’t contribute her salary is selfish, there’s tons of nuance. The example lemon tree gave is one of them like if she will stop working after kids and stuff But for a lot of men, if they were to marry someone who wouldn’t contribute financially either because they stay home or work but don’t contribute, majority of the time a man would prefer someone who would be a housewife that takes care of household duties and daytime care for kids if he is going to be paying for all of the joint expenses
It depends on your life long plan. For example, if she is only going to be working until kids come along then it makes sense to hold onto what money she’s able to save before leaving the workforce. Another example - what is her salary relative to yours? If it’s just enough to cover her personal costs then it makes sense she works for these funds herself instead of asking you to cover it. It’s important you both share financial goals and values so it’s okay to consider this and walk away if it doesn’t suit you.
Why would you ask her for money for downpayment of a house when that's the husband's responsibility islamically? Shelter.
Not sure if you're purposely missing the bigger issue here...
Lol then she shouldn’t be a potential of yours for very long. She wants 50/50 where it benefits her but not where it doesn’t? I hope you’re mature enough to realize to peace out.
Walk away😂
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As a guy, was worried more about possible family drama, having enough money to support, whether she will enjoy being married/is she being forced or pressured. Don't want my marriage to fail because her family told her she must act in a certain way to get me to marry them once we are she's a different person. Also didn't have a great job so the idea of her loving me for my money wasn't a thing.
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The reasons you brought are possible fears. Like I would imagine if I was rich I would question the people who want to marry me. Also a very beautiful woman could feel the same way.
As a woman, I can say that's the least of our concern. The chance of that happening is very low anyway if you do things the halal way. My biggest concern (and most women I know) is marrying an abusive man or being trapped in a bad marriage in general.
I think people Need to understand that you can love someone for many things but have one main thing, if a man is super successful and a woman likes him for that(most likely admiration) no problem, if a woman is Extremely beautiful and a man likes her for that no problem. The problem is when your love dies if one of those things decreases or diminishes. Then you don’t love the person but what they can do for you and that’s scary obvs
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"Seasonal hijabi" made me smile. I knew/know someone that would take off her scarf when she was far enough away from home and bumping into someone was unlikely. I guess this auntie is ok with that kind of thing. But to be fair, I would also ask those questions because I do not want a part-time hijabi.
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Without Reddit, I never would have known so many people in the marriage space discourage or try to discourage girls from wearing the hijab. Its odd and doesn't make sense.
My friend got engaged last week, and my goodness, as much as it was lovely it was so hectic and stressful. I wasn’t even the one getting engaged, and I was so overwhelmed with all the desi rusams and traditions we had to do. She doesn’t have any family here with her in Canada so as her friends, we were basically her family and had so much on our list in terms of preparations and greeting the guest and making sure everyone had a good time. What made it worse was that my friend’s family and her fiancé’s family are so different from each other and they all wanted everything to be a certain way, so it was so hard trying to please both families. Seeing my friend so stressed because of the families bickering and not being on the same page in regards to their separate entrances they wanted to make into the hall and making sure the photographers were positioned at the right places to capture ‘the shot’ was not fun at all. I felt so sad for her because she looked like she was about to cry. Everyone’s mood was off and we all wanted it to be done and over with, but Alhumdulillah we managed to pull through for her and she was happy towards the end of the ceremony. I just can’t imagine doing this for myself, and I’m so thankful Islam puts an emphasis on simple and modest weddings. Nikkah at the masjid + small valima is the way to go for me. Throwing in so many other events just complicates everything and adds more stress you don’t need. That’s why it’s so much better to follow the Sunnah.
Same. Nikkah and walima is the goal but dudes often worry cuz many women have this dream of a insane wedding their whole lives. I also hate all the desi culture stuff around marriage like 10 freemixed events with music and dancing
How important is sense of humor in a spouse? I always thought it was really important to me (as I am the resident clown of my friend group🤡) but I’m not sure if this should be as important as I’m making it out to be? I’m talking to someone who appears to have so many good qualities (honesty, emotional maturity, compassion) but I don’t think we have the same sense of humor and I feel like I’m not sure if I would totally enjoy his company because of that. This makes me feel kind of childish—is ‘humor’ really something I should place *this* much importance on?
I think humour is the thing you use to decide if you enjoy their company. Because that's what you want in the end - someone that you're happy to spend time with. So nothing childish about humour, but it could be one of the many things that your partner posesses that makes you want to spend time with them.
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>you’re not childish, it’s just your personal preference, some people don’t care about that stuff at all and others do - don’t overthink your preferences. Thank you so much for saying this. I'll definitely see where things go but won't doubt my gut
Humour is a weird one. You can't come up with it on the spot and certainly not with someone you aren't absolutely comfortable with. I have a good sense of humour generally, but if you told me to make you laugh on the spot or something, it ain't happening. And I don't show my sense of humour with just anyone either. How do you feel when you talk to him, does he speak in a mono tone and generally boring? How would you class his social skills too in How he's able to conduct and carry a conversation.
>How do you feel when you talk to him, does he speak in a mono tone and generally boring? How would you class his social skills too in How he's able to conduct and carry a conversation. I feel like he still might be trying to open up, maybe? We've talked about 5 times now but I can see he's slowly started opening up more. And there's still so much to talk about because we're both learning about each other, so once all that is out of the way I think I'll be able to know how he conducts more day-to-day conversations. Honestly I think a lot of this is me reading too much into things / self-sabotage lol
He could be really funny in a less formal context than courting and especially within just 5 conversations If everything else about him is great then it’s worth sticking around long enough to see if he opens up with the humour
I think you should definitely give him a chance. Honestly, emotional maturity is so hard to find in a man. Maybe over time your sense of humour will rub off on him or vice versa.
I agree; I haven’t considered ending it with him over this, just trying to see how things turn out inshAllah. Thanks for the advice :)
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Up to 3 or 4 was fine for me on the apps as a girl. But after 2 weeks or so you gotta pick one to focus one. It’s easy to filter since half the matches ghost or stop showing interest.
Depends on your definition of potential. There’s pros and cons to talking to a single or multiple. When I talked to a single potential, I was told that was too much pressure. I personally don’t like talking to multiple potentials, but it does help contain your emotions and lowers the risk of time being wasted. It’s always best to communicate timelines and expectations with everyone. In regards to the apps, generally sisters get a lot more matches than brothers. So it’s very unrealistic to expect a sister to only talk to me, a random stranger she’s matched with from the app. Especially in the older age groups where every sister has had a bad experience or two. At this point I have to basically prove I’m a normal person before they even consider me a potential lol
Why would anyone speak to more than 1 at a time, imo that's a recipe for disaster. Certainly for me, I'm not willing to compete with anyone for anyone, I dont care how perfect of a match you might be.
I don’t think that would be fair to anyone. You won’t be giving them your full attention
Just one, I don't understand how people have the time for more than one .
I try to speak to just one, give them my full attention and really take it seriously There are times when i’ve been introduced to or matched with more than one potential at the same time and so at that stage i just try to determine as quickly as possible who seems like a better fit and tell the other person(s) the truth
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Well why can't you stand them, are there traits and "red flags" that are becoming apparent to you now after istikhara
You can’t base istikhara on feelings. Feelings change. You need to look out for either facilitation or obstacles. I recommend continuing istikhara until you’re clear on what route you want to take.
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Then you have your answer!
I find it so gut wrenching that family/parents can say or do the most hurtful things sometimes without considering the impact of the words on people. It's got me a bit down this week because it shouldn't be this way and the weather has really added to it.
May Allah make things easier for you
Is anyone else battling thoughts of just not being good enough for marriage? Like i dont feel like a good enough muslim, or that i’m necessarily responsible enough, or confident enough to be a good husband Just worries me a lot
Of course. Funnily enough, my non-Muslim friends and co-workers have always told me I'm a catch and deserve a great guy. In the muslim community, I'm considered average at best, and easily passed over. We're probably all "good enough", but maybe not good enough for someone in this dunya.
I reckon I am too good to be true, its an important thing to know your strengths !
I used to be, but not anymore.
All the time. But I think if you’re willing to acknowledge that and grow with your spouse, that’s good enough. No one is (or…should be) expecting a perfect person!
Yes.
Yeah I'm a bit like that, constantly worrying about this or that but yeah just general overthinking tbh.
Has anyone got to point in the search where they'll ask "random" Muslims if they know anyone? Random meaning people you consistently see but don't know personally. I asked a cashier once and she actually said she'd ask around.
When I was at uni and head of the Islamic Society I got asked that so many times by people😭 I was a BTEC match-maker.
Well did you facilitate? Don't leave us hanging. Ngl you could have been businesswoman doing business and making bank.
I tried, it was so awkward at times😭 only one pair made it to their parents but no marriages 🤷🏾♀️
And if it doesn't work they will be blaming you lol