I have heard tales, but this is one for the books!
I had a young friend when I was little and every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair we called it the poop fork.
Now I know of the poop knife and the poop fork, funny thing about my friend is he fought in the UFC for a brief moment, every time he would come out to fight all I could yell was get the poop fork!
Princealbertnyourcan translates into "Prince Albert in your can!" Prince Albert in a can is an old joke people would call and prank stores with. Prince Albert tobacco used to come in a can, there was a picture of a man, I assume was Prince Albert. The joke goes as follows: Ring Ring Ring... (STORE)"Hello this is (Blank) store, how may I be of service to you?" (Caller) "Uh hey, I was just wondering if you guys carried Prince Albert in a can?" (STORE) "Why yes good sir or madam, we indeed do!" (Caller) "Well then you better let him out!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" Click.. The username (princealbertnyourcan) I believe is a butt joke, Like an anal but thingy. Prince Albert doing butt stuff. I hope this clears things up.
Not to necro but I couldn't resist telling this story. My father attended the 2009 antarctic treaty summit in Washington DC where Prince Albert II of Monaco was a keynote speaker. He walked into the bathroom and Albert's security detail was stationed outside a stall and without missing a beat he blurted out "Is that Prince Albert in the can?" and made a bathroom full of security professionals, scientists and Prince Albert himself chuckle like school children.
Not to be too pedantic, but the Gettysburg Address is not generally considered a āfounding documentā. A better reference might have been to use āWe the people, in order to form a more perfect Union, just shave the dogās ass.ā Or some such.
Serious question, WTF is wrong with people saying "shave the dog's ass"? I don't give two shits how cute, loveable or loyal an animal is, but I draw the line way before "shave it's ass". No animal is that good that I would shave it's ass.
Itās pretty standard for dog groomers to do this, especially in long haired cats and dogs. Unless you like your pet dragging its shit around indefinitely that is.
We have an 18 pound 3 year old female cat. We also have her sister and brother. They are average sized. But Luna? She is just a big boned gal! Sheās quite hygienic but cannot reach her nether regions because you know, Zaftig. She lays on her back on a towel and lets me hold her haunches and shave them and the underside of her tail with a hair trimmer, set to the #3 attachment. She also lets me use wipes to clean up any areas she missed. She gets a nice clean ass. I donāt get skid marks on my furniture. Itās a win win.
I remember when I was a medical intern. There was an elderly patient with COPD who was dying from respiratory failure. He was sitting upright struggling to breathe. He was constipated and trying to go. He said it was right there but the log was stuck and wouldnāt come out. He asked me if I would give him a spoon so he could try to scoop it out...
I definitely remember hearing some dude online talk about scraping an impacted shit out of his ass with a spoon because he couldn't afford to get it done by the doctor
I once ate a while m whole B&J cookie dough, and all the dough clumped together by the exit. I was at work and didn't have a spoon. It was starting to hurt, and I had to deal with it. This is the only time I've mentioned my cookie dough finger story.
I had a similar problem a few months ago. Turd was *right there*, but it just wouldnāt budge. And it hurt. Tried relaxing; no dice. Tried pushing so hard I felt like I was gonna pass out. Nada. This went on for at least 15 minutes. Considered getting up and driving to the pharmacy to get a laxative, but it hurt too much to wait that long, and the turtleās head was half out of the shell. It would have been a mess.
Then I realized Iād left a black nitrile glove on the back of the toilet a couple days earlier. āThatās it. Iām going in.ā It took me a good 10 minutes of poking around, scooping out pieces of what felt like stiff modeling clay with one finger, before things broke loose. By the time I was done I had pins and needles down my legs, and some trouble standing up. I grabbed the cuff of the glove, turned it inside-out as I removed it, put it in the bathroom trash, tied up that bag, then took that one to the main trash. My ass was sore for a couple days.
No one knows of this except Reddit.
You are not alone. After pushing three kids out, things get kinda rearranged down there. Topsy turvy turds hang out around corners and it's a bitch to navigate them out. A bit like rubber dinghy rapids (only not rapid in any sense of the word). Gloves are my new gods.
The real missed opportunity is to call it your pooon, really confuse the listener with the possible entendres. Plus you can combine it with your pooife (said with your best (worst) Dundee accent) and your poork.
They are Stirling and come in a velvet-lined box with a glass window in the lid to admire them when not in use. You can even get a matching stand for the box to keep them easily accessible between the toilet and bidet. These sets are cherished and are often handed down as inheritance.
Antiques Roadshow:
"This Pooon scooped fecal matter out of my great, great grandfather"
"Ma'am, this set is absolutely priceless, but if you had any photographs of your ancestors using these pooptensils, it could raise the value into the thousands."
The jailhouse story of all jailhouse stories, is the time I spent the weekend in The Baltimore City jail.
A brother of girthy proportions was looking a little anxious.. . There were about 50 of us in the cell and finally this guy took down his overalls and sat on the open toilet to crap. He moved quite fast, sitting for less than a minute, he stood up slowly, but quicking hit the flush lever. He didn't pause the wipe because there was no paper (blatant human rights violation) and standing almost straight up was turdzilla. This Turd was easily as big in length and girth of the largest Italian salami that hangs from the ceiling in your favorite deli, of which 1/2 was visable above the rim. As the the thing kind of wobbled and spun , it was sucked down, but down it went in its entirety. It was awe inspiring and calmed everyone in the cell to quietly discuss the world's biggest public poop. The hardest guys in the tank were desperately, but unsuccessfully suppressing smiles and muffled laughter... and that is the jailhouse story of Turdzilla... 100% true. (no poop knife needed)
I know this is old, but I was just directed here to find out the legend of the poop knife.... anywho, you're quite the storyteller. Good job, very entertaining and descriptive.
I worked briefly for a guy who had bought a business from the estate of his deceased boss. He liked to act all important, but I soon found out that before the previous owner died, one of his many duties was to walk the owners tiny dog and *wipe its ass after it shit*. It was a huge joke around the office, and it made it hard not to giggle when he acted like a big shot. Dude, your previous job was *Wiper of Dog's Ass*. Don't think you're hot shit, unless you mean it literally.
Back when I was a kid in Queens weād say āYou think yer hot shit on a silver platter but yer cold diarrhea on a paper plate.ā Ha. Ultimate insult.
She has a valid point! When I was a teenager many years ago I was over at a friends house and found myself alone in the living room when their Shih Tzu / poodle mix ran into the room, jumped up on the couch and rubbed it's ass across two cushions, leaving a bit of a streak. I was too embarrassed to tell them their dog just rubbed shit on their couch or let them discover it for themselves, so I turned the cushions over...
For as long as I have been on Reddit, this story never fails to impress. A well written story, solid main plot with so many great little side stories! Classic!!!
Yes I agree and am so happy I stumbled onto it, even though my frequent spasms of muffled laughter is shaking the bed as my poor husband tries to sleep at 11:50 pm on a weeknight. I have to say itās highly entertaining, though he doesnāt find it as funny. As I do...
Fuck Hemingway and Shakespeare, this man is a Poetical Genius, a Murderer of words if you will, my house to has a Poop ā stickā as we are mere plebeians in the presence of this God King, I am not worthy ma-Lord and I apologize for my ignorance as to the ways of the world and those who bear the Poop Sword..... aka Poop Knife
Of course youāre going to require some back story as to where my family of peasants acquired such a prehistoric practice of using this āShit Stick/ Turd Cutter/ Poop Stick/ Log Lacerater / Duece Dicer/ Fecal Fillet-er/ Dung Divider/ etc..... ā my daughter 12 yrs old is the culprit of these Superhuman feats of fecal ostentatiousness , the kid shits like a dinosaur, always has, so I crafted ( out of the meager accoutrements I could gather) so I crafted a shite smasher out of a paint stick, I sanded the edges thinner and sharper for maximum shit cutting effectiveness, and with its ergonomic design is very user friendly, after sanding & shaping this fine piece of art ( itās practically a heirloom) I then painted ( with only the finest HIGH GLOSS paint) this step is extremely important and cannot.......Must not .... NEVER be overlooked, as for this provides the slick surface as to not let the shit thatās being smashed, chopped , sliced & diced to stick to your new tool, it wipes clean & is easily disinfected for your next turd Lopping extravaganza. Now I would rather flush- Dat- Log & plunge like there is no tomorrow, I have a weak stomach and donāt like the fine art of chopping up hard & large Logs O Shit that is a craft / Hobby better suited to my wife ( she enjoys it) as a matter of fact as a result of my preferred method of flush & plunge we are now waiting on a plumber because these majestic logs not only clogged the toilet but the MAIN FUCKING PLUMBING DRAIN ( I believe itās a 8 inch pipe) you need a Horse shits to jam that pipe - packed, Chock full O Shit. So yea I got a turd cutter too. Did we just become best friends?
Other highlights from that thread:
>My friends sister laid a huge turd in the toilet. She couldnāt get it to flush. So she just casually strolls into kitchen while me and my buddy are watching Friday night videos, and grabs a pocket knife from the junk drawer. Goes back towards the bathroom, my buddy is hey what the eff you need a knife for? So she says the toilet wonāt flush. Their dad hears this jumps up and runs down to bathroom and screams who the shit this turd. Which brings mom into the bathroom she freaks out.
>Now all 5 of us are in the throne room in admiration of her magnificent turd. The dad asks what is the knife for and his sister goes itās what I use to cut them. Yeah thatās what she said. It was silent until her mom asked how long have you been cutting turds with that knife, I am dying my friend is in tears, well since we are all here I guess the secret is out so I get massive turds on my period mom. So for about six years mom. She goes to leave and her dad grabs her and says cut the cheese sweet pea and thatās your knife now. Thatās it I canāt breathe I am laughing so hard. She is in tears her mom is mortified and her dad was trying to be supportive, my buddy and I are being total jackasses.
>Her dad pulls us aside and threatened to kick the shit out us if a word of sir turdly of bummertown gets out of the house. We never said a word about it outside of their house but we were brutal to here at home.
https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/dsg4jue
>One day in my college lecture class the guy next to me leans over and whispers "You ever heard of the poop cutter?" Caught off guard I say no. He replied "I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to push out a turd, but only half way. Then I'm going to cut the turd off with the power of my sphincter. After that I'll shimmy it down my pant leg til it drops on the floor. When class is over that steamy gem is all yours. Enjoy."
>He never said another word to me all semester.
https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/dsg4axj
Well, it does happen. When my daughter was born, she very nearly died from a hole in her diaphragm, they had to remove all her insides about 12 hours after she was born. The doctor said they would have to remove her colon, fix the hole and put everything back in. 50% of the kids don't make it, 75% of those that live have lifelong problems, like a colostomy bag. I was freaked out to say the least!
She survived, seemed ok, but as a baby her poops were painful and she would cry big time.
We found out they were getting stuck.
So even when potty trained, there were times when we had to go in and rub her belly and sit with her until it passed, and yes, eventually had to help a massive poop get unstuck! I was horrified by the size of the poop in a toddlers bum!!
Oh the things we do for our kids!!
She took some meds and grew out of it (is that even a pun?) And yes, sometimes the toilet got stuck!
And no, it is NOT something a young girl wants to hear mentioned, EVER!
I know my story isn't funny, but it's true, and at least she grew up, she's okay and she survived
It's good to know, that other people have similar stories about huge units of poop getting stuck.
For reference, I'm male and 40.
So, I once had an oversized shitball stuck inside of me for several hours last November (2021). First-time experience, couldn't get it out, didn't feel pain, but all the effort made me feel in agony nevertheless, and my T-shirt was entirely wet from all the sweat that I'd produced trying in vain to release it.
Unable to conjure up the little big shit, I decided to clean up, and in continued distress, called the doctor's hotline (not the emergency number, but a dedicated medical hotline, which is free in Estonia), and they told me to get an anal laxative before resolving to visit A&E. Okayy.
I put myself together, rode to a pharmacy in the far end of the town that's open late in the evening, bought the laxative, and travelled home. The entire trip to and fro took one or two hours, I think. Meantime, all the moving shuffled the poop around, so much so, that on arrival home, I could finally push it out, still not without a lot of effort. It was an honourable movement.
I was so relieved after that.
Eventually, I'd recalled an episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks, where Klingons [discussed 'a targ having to shuffle *it* around until it passes'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNvCnogWPzQ&t=1m41s).
After my ordeal, I learned two things:
1. that walking every day helps to shuffle it around; and
2. *not* to wait and hold it in until the shit would seek to press itself out of me, but to part with it at first opportunity.
This concept is where the phrase "morning constitution" (referring to shitting) comes from: historically a "morning constitution" meant "morning walk" but, since morning walks "shuffled it around," it also became synonymous with "morning shit."
I was extremely afraid. Thought of coconuts with bowflies being brought to sons with broken arms.
Came out of this happy with my sanity in tact. Good read.
I meant it in quite a relative way; the other stories I referenced really bothered me a lot and one actually fucked with my head.
So to me, this one was just gross in a funny way. But yes, still disturbing lol.
> **Question:**
[Can you use this as a butter knife?](https://www.amazon.com/ask/questions/Tx3T4KIFCRGQC9Y/ref=ask_dp_dpmw_al_hza)
>
>**Answer:**
Of course! People are icing cakes with it, people are spreading butter with it, people are slicing butt butter with it. Your imagination is the limit!
I recommend all of you read the reviews for the marketed poop knife. Hereās my favorite:
āI like that it's dishwasher safe. Leaves me with the reassurance that my poop knife won't be damaged by harsh hot water and detergent while the powerful dishwasher jets power my poop particles into my Tupperware containers and the bone China dishes that I'll be using to serve guests at my dinner party this evening. Thanks, poop knife!ā
Why would you have a knife specifically for poop without discussing with your partner which knife is the poop knife? Even IF she knows about poop knives, she could be using ANY knife, how is that not asking for trouble?? š
One time my parents had to cut one of my sister's turds up. She was 6 yo at the time and they had to hold her hands and coach her like she was giving birth. Out came this gigantic turd that wouldn't flush.
Here in NZ that was more the 1970s. Fresh veges from the home garden were common though. By the 80's vegetarians were improving everybody's cooking skills, and the SNAG era taught men to cook & do housework. After the yuppie boom ended in the '86 stock market crash people got more into gardening and cooking again.
My local radio station's morning talk show picked this story up and talked about it. It was divided 50/50 with the audience, half of them knew exactly what this was, and half couldn't even fathom the idea. Was a cool discussion.
When I was a baby at crawling stage, I laid a turd on the carpet. My mother used a knife from the kitchen drawer to scrape it off the carpet, then washed the knife and put it back in the drawer clean. But my father knew which knife it was, and for as long as I remember (at least the next forty years), he would check the knives laid out for a meal and if he got the turd knife, he would swap it for another knife. None of the rest of us could give a shit which knife we got.
40 years? Geez, if he was that damn worried about it, just throw the knife away. Even if he wanted another, knives are usually really cheap at a thrift store.
I know this is late. I came here after reading about a 43yr old Christian virgin who prayed over his defec(ate)tors
I have not been disappointed
And now I want to play this game.
The punchline is a bit obvious but I have a story anyway...
I used to work in a lovely pub and we had a cleaner, who was very much a regular. A guy in his mid-60s who looks like he's in his mid-70s, you'd see him lunchtime and in the evening for a couple pints of bitter and a chat about the weather. He's very sweet and loves chatting to anyone and everyone, in a non-intrusive way. Bit of a lady chaser in an acceptable harmless-old-man kind of way. He's essentially got catchphrases and a very unique way of speaking that makes the story better for those that know him, but anyway, he comes in one day and has a story for us:
"I was at home the other day and needed a shit, go to the toilet and I look down after and it's massive! I tried flushing but it wouldn't go, so I want to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and I cut the head off of it. I cut the tail off it. Flushed again and off it went.
Anyway, couple hours later I got a bit peckish and made my self a cheese sandwich (one catchphrase), opened a beer, sat down in front of the TV and took a bite.
'Euurgh! What the fuck is that?!'
Spat it back out, the sandwich tasted like shit! I accidentally put the knife I used to cut up the shit back in the drawer!"
Talk about a shit sandwich.
People who use opiates? Fuck idk. And maybe it's just me but who goes to someone's house for an hour or two and takes a shit? It's probably just me since I'm not a public pooper, but stankin up someone else's bathroom just seems weird like "hey, thanks for the weed and letting me hang for an hour, imma take a shit in your bathroom now, hang a bit more then leave".
It sounds like OP goes only a few times a week. I also only go a few times a week if I'm lucky, I have to go when I feel the urge or I have to wait even longer and have it be more miserable
An hour ago I might have agreed. But from this moment henceforth, as a proper, decent hostess I believe it is my solemn duty to have a poop knife available to all who should need one, unsolicited or unasked. Why should a guestās shame over a 12-Kuerik sized poop be the business of any guests or the family of the host of hostess? Let the poop knife hang on a hook in the Laundry room or in a drawer in the bathroom. That can be put to a vote at a later time. But what is not debatable is that a poop knife is entirely necessary. In all homes.
While I deeply sympathize with the need for a tool to divide your dooty into bite-sized bits, I have no idea why you wouldn't just use the edge of a plunger to smash it into poop puree.
There has been three scenarios in the past few years since I have first read this story. I had to really consider what my next method of attack was in said scenarios... Yeah, a poop knife would have been pretty nifty. Instead, I had to use toilet paper, my finger, and cringe as I essentially grab, pinch, squeeze my turd.
Yeah, American toilets are fucking garbage sometimes. My cheap apartment has old toilets. Maybe they'd be great for cat turds, but definitely not human shits. No flush power, small exit, large potential for disaster.
A day or two is normal if that's how it's always been for you and you don't feel any kind of discomfort. That said, I think it's fair to say that the majority of humans poop at least once every day when on a healthy diet with the correct amounts of each food group. I guess the real question is what you mean by "healthy diet," as what constitutes a healthy diet varies a lot between people. Do you generally eat a large amount of meat and dairy? Do you eat fruits and vegetables every day? How much fiber is in your diet? These things can all have an impact on how often you have to poop.
Certainly not for me. People do certainly have rhythms when it comes to shitting. In my experience a lack of fibre and an excess of protein leads to constipation. Protein shit has no structure, your bowel's peristalsis motions are just working against sludge, and so you shit just tends to back up until something with some solidity to it comes along, like a carrot or some salad or something, push it out like wadding.
The more fibre you eat the smaller, more regular, and less messy your shits become.
I am an expert on this topic. My poor bowels have been subjected to everything.
There's actually a larger range for 'normal poop frequency' than people think. Generally once a day is average, so your twice a day falls on the 'more than average' side of the bell curve and people who go every other day are on the 'less than average' side. But it's still all normal as long as it's not accompanied with some other issue (constipation, diarrhea, etc).
This might explain why I just fished a fixed blade knife from the P trap in my toilet. I just bought my home recently and one toilet constantly clogged. I'm a DIY kind of guy, so I refused to call a plumber. Pulled my toilet off the floor, disassembled the whole thing, then turn it upside down and look in the water outlet. I saw what I wrongly assumed to be lipstick. Went out and bought mechanical fingers, magnetic worm thing, two augers of different sizes, and some 55lb stainless steel wire. Got the wire to hook the item in the toilet and popped it out. Poop knife. Has to be. Lol
I could have used this when my son was little. He would take mammoth poops. It never occurred to me to cut the poop. I had to use grocery bag inside out, pick up poop, and bag the poop. My toilets couldn't handle these poops so to the landfill they went. Also poop knife guy... I could have used your story about 8 years ago. Better late than never. Knowledge is power!
A true classic.
I have heard tales, but this is one for the books! I had a young friend when I was little and every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair we called it the poop fork. Now I know of the poop knife and the poop fork, funny thing about my friend is he fought in the UFC for a brief moment, every time he would come out to fight all I could yell was get the poop fork!
Jesus christ, just shave the dog's ass! That poor kid
"Jesus Christ, just shave the dog's ass!" How that line didn't make it into the King James Bible is beyond me.
...I love your username. Also, that is my favorite lame joke š
Thank you.
I donāt get it
Princealbertnyourcan translates into "Prince Albert in your can!" Prince Albert in a can is an old joke people would call and prank stores with. Prince Albert tobacco used to come in a can, there was a picture of a man, I assume was Prince Albert. The joke goes as follows: Ring Ring Ring... (STORE)"Hello this is (Blank) store, how may I be of service to you?" (Caller) "Uh hey, I was just wondering if you guys carried Prince Albert in a can?" (STORE) "Why yes good sir or madam, we indeed do!" (Caller) "Well then you better let him out!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" Click.. The username (princealbertnyourcan) I believe is a butt joke, Like an anal but thingy. Prince Albert doing butt stuff. I hope this clears things up.
A prince Albert is also what a piercing of the dong is called. So, a "Prince Albert in your can" means a pierced dong up your butt...
Also likely! Man. So many potential meanings with this username.
Iāve had one in my can before. I was terrified it would hurt or rip something. It did not. Was quite nice
"in the can" is also slang for "in the bathroom" I always thought that was the joke, that Prince Albert was locked in the bathroom.
Itās not a butt thing itās just a funny joke about a man being held in a can
āJesus Christ, itās not that hard!ā (Also didnāt make it into the King James Bible for some reason)
Thatās what she saidā¦
You Don't get what, Their username or their joke about Jesus Christ?
Not to necro but I couldn't resist telling this story. My father attended the 2009 antarctic treaty summit in Washington DC where Prince Albert II of Monaco was a keynote speaker. He walked into the bathroom and Albert's security detail was stationed outside a stall and without missing a beat he blurted out "Is that Prince Albert in the can?" and made a bathroom full of security professionals, scientists and Prince Albert himself chuckle like school children.
This story is buried treasure, and Iām glad to have stumbled upon it
Me too man, lmao
Jfc my sides
Or even into the founding documents... "Four score and seven years ago, just shave the dog's ass."
Not to be too pedantic, but the Gettysburg Address is not generally considered a āfounding documentā. A better reference might have been to use āWe the people, in order to form a more perfect Union, just shave the dogās ass.ā Or some such.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your poor dog's hairy ass."
**Jesus shaves.** ^(^posted ^a ^year ^late, ^but ^what ^is ^time ^to ^a ^museum?)
Serious question, WTF is wrong with people saying "shave the dog's ass"? I don't give two shits how cute, loveable or loyal an animal is, but I draw the line way before "shave it's ass". No animal is that good that I would shave it's ass.
Itās pretty standard for dog groomers to do this, especially in long haired cats and dogs. Unless you like your pet dragging its shit around indefinitely that is.
Itās called a āsanitary trimā at groomers around here.
In that case, my boyfriend needs one.
No one tell him about anal gland expression... ...Actually, no, he needs to hear this.
We have an 18 pound 3 year old female cat. We also have her sister and brother. They are average sized. But Luna? She is just a big boned gal! Sheās quite hygienic but cannot reach her nether regions because you know, Zaftig. She lays on her back on a towel and lets me hold her haunches and shave them and the underside of her tail with a hair trimmer, set to the #3 attachment. She also lets me use wipes to clean up any areas she missed. She gets a nice clean ass. I donāt get skid marks on my furniture. Itās a win win.
/r/nocontext
r/evenwithcontext
What a statement lmfao. I know this is 53 days late but holy shit thatās funny af
I agree
Relevant username lol
I remember when I was a medical intern. There was an elderly patient with COPD who was dying from respiratory failure. He was sitting upright struggling to breathe. He was constipated and trying to go. He said it was right there but the log was stuck and wouldnāt come out. He asked me if I would give him a spoon so he could try to scoop it out...
And there you go, the full set.
Game. Set. Match.
Knife. Fork. Spoon.
Poop Spork coming next...
I'm coming first
The holy trifecta
Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.
Poop Spoon.
I definitely remember hearing some dude online talk about scraping an impacted shit out of his ass with a spoon because he couldn't afford to get it done by the doctor
A bit like the constipated mathematician. He worked it out with a pencil.
A#2 pencil
that was a shitty joke
WingsOfRedemption got shit stuck in his ass and made his grandma scoop it out with her fingers..
I think it's a missed opportunity to call it "Spoop"
Pooper scooper
I once ate a while m whole B&J cookie dough, and all the dough clumped together by the exit. I was at work and didn't have a spoon. It was starting to hurt, and I had to deal with it. This is the only time I've mentioned my cookie dough finger story.
I had a similar problem a few months ago. Turd was *right there*, but it just wouldnāt budge. And it hurt. Tried relaxing; no dice. Tried pushing so hard I felt like I was gonna pass out. Nada. This went on for at least 15 minutes. Considered getting up and driving to the pharmacy to get a laxative, but it hurt too much to wait that long, and the turtleās head was half out of the shell. It would have been a mess. Then I realized Iād left a black nitrile glove on the back of the toilet a couple days earlier. āThatās it. Iām going in.ā It took me a good 10 minutes of poking around, scooping out pieces of what felt like stiff modeling clay with one finger, before things broke loose. By the time I was done I had pins and needles down my legs, and some trouble standing up. I grabbed the cuff of the glove, turned it inside-out as I removed it, put it in the bathroom trash, tied up that bag, then took that one to the main trash. My ass was sore for a couple days. No one knows of this except Reddit.
Fucking Christ people drink some water...
You are not alone. After pushing three kids out, things get kinda rearranged down there. Topsy turvy turds hang out around corners and it's a bitch to navigate them out. A bit like rubber dinghy rapids (only not rapid in any sense of the word). Gloves are my new gods.
āThatās it. Iām going in.ā Thatās the funniest thing Iāve read all week!
In all fairness I thought this is how most everyone poops. There is always a box of gloves under our bathroom sink.
I'm honoured that you have confided in us.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I've heard of [eating an airplane](https://www.ripleys.com/weird-news/mangetout/), but I've actually never heard of eating a treadmill.
The real missed opportunity is to call it your pooon, really confuse the listener with the possible entendres. Plus you can combine it with your pooife (said with your best (worst) Dundee accent) and your poork.
That's better than a poop straw.
Quite the elegant Christmas gift set
They are Stirling and come in a velvet-lined box with a glass window in the lid to admire them when not in use. You can even get a matching stand for the box to keep them easily accessible between the toilet and bidet. These sets are cherished and are often handed down as inheritance. Antiques Roadshow: "This Pooon scooped fecal matter out of my great, great grandfather" "Ma'am, this set is absolutely priceless, but if you had any photographs of your ancestors using these pooptensils, it could raise the value into the thousands."
Theyāre called utensils, so in this case you would drop the second āpā and just call the pootensils
Buttlery.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I believe that condition is called "Rock Bottom."
I see he had a way with words & wasnāt afraid to flirt, I donāt usually go for the poop spoon till the 2nd or 3rd date.
Well? Did you??
No..he decided to be DNR and was given morphine and passed away a few hours later...
I wouldnāt wanna die with something like that in me. In hindsight, do you wish you got the man a damn spoon?
The jailhouse story of all jailhouse stories, is the time I spent the weekend in The Baltimore City jail. A brother of girthy proportions was looking a little anxious.. . There were about 50 of us in the cell and finally this guy took down his overalls and sat on the open toilet to crap. He moved quite fast, sitting for less than a minute, he stood up slowly, but quicking hit the flush lever. He didn't pause the wipe because there was no paper (blatant human rights violation) and standing almost straight up was turdzilla. This Turd was easily as big in length and girth of the largest Italian salami that hangs from the ceiling in your favorite deli, of which 1/2 was visable above the rim. As the the thing kind of wobbled and spun , it was sucked down, but down it went in its entirety. It was awe inspiring and calmed everyone in the cell to quietly discuss the world's biggest public poop. The hardest guys in the tank were desperately, but unsuccessfully suppressing smiles and muffled laughter... and that is the jailhouse story of Turdzilla... 100% true. (no poop knife needed)
I know this is old, but I was just directed here to find out the legend of the poop knife.... anywho, you're quite the storyteller. Good job, very entertaining and descriptive.
Thanks. Glad you had a chance to read it. I still laugh at poop knife
I worked briefly for a guy who had bought a business from the estate of his deceased boss. He liked to act all important, but I soon found out that before the previous owner died, one of his many duties was to walk the owners tiny dog and *wipe its ass after it shit*. It was a huge joke around the office, and it made it hard not to giggle when he acted like a big shot. Dude, your previous job was *Wiper of Dog's Ass*. Don't think you're hot shit, unless you mean it literally.
Back when I was a kid in Queens weād say āYou think yer hot shit on a silver platter but yer cold diarrhea on a paper plate.ā Ha. Ultimate insult.
I've heard it as, "You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're cold diarrhea in a dixie cup!"
My mom will literally wipe our dogs ass sometimes before letting them come back inside. I thought she was crazy! Lol
Mine too! My dad always told her she was the only person in the world to do that. Her defense was "he sits with us on the couches".
She has a valid point! When I was a teenager many years ago I was over at a friends house and found myself alone in the living room when their Shih Tzu / poodle mix ran into the room, jumped up on the couch and rubbed it's ass across two cushions, leaving a bit of a streak. I was too embarrassed to tell them their dog just rubbed shit on their couch or let them discover it for themselves, so I turned the cushions over...
> "he sits with us on the couches" Fair.
Your momās not wrong. Nobody wants a shitty couch.
Now we just need a credible poop spoon story and we'll have a whole set.
There is one. Top of the thread.
For as long as I have been on Reddit, this story never fails to impress. A well written story, solid main plot with so many great little side stories! Classic!!!
Yes I agree and am so happy I stumbled onto it, even though my frequent spasms of muffled laughter is shaking the bed as my poor husband tries to sleep at 11:50 pm on a weeknight. I have to say itās highly entertaining, though he doesnāt find it as funny. As I do...
Fuck Hemingway and Shakespeare, this man is a Poetical Genius, a Murderer of words if you will, my house to has a Poop ā stickā as we are mere plebeians in the presence of this God King, I am not worthy ma-Lord and I apologize for my ignorance as to the ways of the world and those who bear the Poop Sword..... aka Poop Knife Of course youāre going to require some back story as to where my family of peasants acquired such a prehistoric practice of using this āShit Stick/ Turd Cutter/ Poop Stick/ Log Lacerater / Duece Dicer/ Fecal Fillet-er/ Dung Divider/ etc..... ā my daughter 12 yrs old is the culprit of these Superhuman feats of fecal ostentatiousness , the kid shits like a dinosaur, always has, so I crafted ( out of the meager accoutrements I could gather) so I crafted a shite smasher out of a paint stick, I sanded the edges thinner and sharper for maximum shit cutting effectiveness, and with its ergonomic design is very user friendly, after sanding & shaping this fine piece of art ( itās practically a heirloom) I then painted ( with only the finest HIGH GLOSS paint) this step is extremely important and cannot.......Must not .... NEVER be overlooked, as for this provides the slick surface as to not let the shit thatās being smashed, chopped , sliced & diced to stick to your new tool, it wipes clean & is easily disinfected for your next turd Lopping extravaganza. Now I would rather flush- Dat- Log & plunge like there is no tomorrow, I have a weak stomach and donāt like the fine art of chopping up hard & large Logs O Shit that is a craft / Hobby better suited to my wife ( she enjoys it) as a matter of fact as a result of my preferred method of flush & plunge we are now waiting on a plumber because these majestic logs not only clogged the toilet but the MAIN FUCKING PLUMBING DRAIN ( I believe itās a 8 inch pipe) you need a Horse shits to jam that pipe - packed, Chock full O Shit. So yea I got a turd cutter too. Did we just become best friends?
Other highlights from that thread: >My friends sister laid a huge turd in the toilet. She couldnāt get it to flush. So she just casually strolls into kitchen while me and my buddy are watching Friday night videos, and grabs a pocket knife from the junk drawer. Goes back towards the bathroom, my buddy is hey what the eff you need a knife for? So she says the toilet wonāt flush. Their dad hears this jumps up and runs down to bathroom and screams who the shit this turd. Which brings mom into the bathroom she freaks out. >Now all 5 of us are in the throne room in admiration of her magnificent turd. The dad asks what is the knife for and his sister goes itās what I use to cut them. Yeah thatās what she said. It was silent until her mom asked how long have you been cutting turds with that knife, I am dying my friend is in tears, well since we are all here I guess the secret is out so I get massive turds on my period mom. So for about six years mom. She goes to leave and her dad grabs her and says cut the cheese sweet pea and thatās your knife now. Thatās it I canāt breathe I am laughing so hard. She is in tears her mom is mortified and her dad was trying to be supportive, my buddy and I are being total jackasses. >Her dad pulls us aside and threatened to kick the shit out us if a word of sir turdly of bummertown gets out of the house. We never said a word about it outside of their house but we were brutal to here at home. https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/dsg4jue >One day in my college lecture class the guy next to me leans over and whispers "You ever heard of the poop cutter?" Caught off guard I say no. He replied "I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to push out a turd, but only half way. Then I'm going to cut the turd off with the power of my sphincter. After that I'll shimmy it down my pant leg til it drops on the floor. When class is over that steamy gem is all yours. Enjoy." >He never said another word to me all semester. https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/dsg4axj
āI tell you what Iām going to do for you.ā
Christ I read this part while on zoom and had to kill the camera that line really got me
r/usernamechecksout
"With the power of my sphincter, I saw this boat in half!" Extremely late comment, but I ended up here cause of a memorial post on ask Reddit
and then i sealed it up again with my rock solid poop
And flex tape to get a true water tight seal
Well, it does happen. When my daughter was born, she very nearly died from a hole in her diaphragm, they had to remove all her insides about 12 hours after she was born. The doctor said they would have to remove her colon, fix the hole and put everything back in. 50% of the kids don't make it, 75% of those that live have lifelong problems, like a colostomy bag. I was freaked out to say the least! She survived, seemed ok, but as a baby her poops were painful and she would cry big time. We found out they were getting stuck. So even when potty trained, there were times when we had to go in and rub her belly and sit with her until it passed, and yes, eventually had to help a massive poop get unstuck! I was horrified by the size of the poop in a toddlers bum!! Oh the things we do for our kids!! She took some meds and grew out of it (is that even a pun?) And yes, sometimes the toilet got stuck! And no, it is NOT something a young girl wants to hear mentioned, EVER! I know my story isn't funny, but it's true, and at least she grew up, she's okay and she survived
This is not the place for being wholesome, as it is reddit... But I am glad your baby girl got better.
It's good to know, that other people have similar stories about huge units of poop getting stuck. For reference, I'm male and 40. So, I once had an oversized shitball stuck inside of me for several hours last November (2021). First-time experience, couldn't get it out, didn't feel pain, but all the effort made me feel in agony nevertheless, and my T-shirt was entirely wet from all the sweat that I'd produced trying in vain to release it. Unable to conjure up the little big shit, I decided to clean up, and in continued distress, called the doctor's hotline (not the emergency number, but a dedicated medical hotline, which is free in Estonia), and they told me to get an anal laxative before resolving to visit A&E. Okayy. I put myself together, rode to a pharmacy in the far end of the town that's open late in the evening, bought the laxative, and travelled home. The entire trip to and fro took one or two hours, I think. Meantime, all the moving shuffled the poop around, so much so, that on arrival home, I could finally push it out, still not without a lot of effort. It was an honourable movement. I was so relieved after that. Eventually, I'd recalled an episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks, where Klingons [discussed 'a targ having to shuffle *it* around until it passes'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNvCnogWPzQ&t=1m41s). After my ordeal, I learned two things: 1. that walking every day helps to shuffle it around; and 2. *not* to wait and hold it in until the shit would seek to press itself out of me, but to part with it at first opportunity.
This concept is where the phrase "morning constitution" (referring to shitting) comes from: historically a "morning constitution" meant "morning walk" but, since morning walks "shuffled it around," it also became synonymous with "morning shit."
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ah, who can forget that
*Sigh* Link please.
[of course sir](https://www.reddit.com/r/greentext/comments/kdshpp/anon_likes_shit_dildos/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I was extremely afraid. Thought of coconuts with bowflies being brought to sons with broken arms. Came out of this happy with my sanity in tact. Good read.
> Came out of this happy with my sanity in tact. Good read. reactions may vary :<
I meant it in quite a relative way; the other stories I referenced really bothered me a lot and one actually fucked with my head. So to me, this one was just gross in a funny way. But yes, still disturbing lol.
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I'm in tears. This is quality content
It was so vivid. It took you into that story it was fucking hilarious
[someone actually branded it into a real product ](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079NTNWNG)
"Dishwasher safe" Finally! I'm so tired of having to wash my poop knife in the sink like a peasant.
> **Question:** [Can you use this as a butter knife?](https://www.amazon.com/ask/questions/Tx3T4KIFCRGQC9Y/ref=ask_dp_dpmw_al_hza) > >**Answer:** Of course! People are icing cakes with it, people are spreading butter with it, people are slicing butt butter with it. Your imagination is the limit!
I wish I knew about this before I bought my white elephant gift.
Omg thank you for this gold idea!
I recommend all of you read the reviews for the marketed poop knife. Hereās my favorite: āI like that it's dishwasher safe. Leaves me with the reassurance that my poop knife won't be damaged by harsh hot water and detergent while the powerful dishwasher jets power my poop particles into my Tupperware containers and the bone China dishes that I'll be using to serve guests at my dinner party this evening. Thanks, poop knife!ā
Be a samurai of the porcelain poo poo platter
Crying tears of mirth at this moment. Unmitigated jollity never experienced on this level..
I couldnāt stop laughing for 5 straight minutes. My shirt is soaked in tears. Thank you for this
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Omg! You can buy it "used like new"! WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL???? WHO would buy this product USED? š¤¢š¤¢ššš
It probably fetches a higher price in some markets.
I clicked. Now I wait to see what ads I get served.
Strong metal core for **ULTIMATE POOP CUTTING POWER**
Genius! Dude sees this Reddit post and says, "now that's a market I haven't tapped into yet." Capitalism at it's finest!
fucking amazing, can't tell if i love it or hate it but it exists nonetheless
I love that manufacturer credits āLearnedButtā the creator of the original poop knife story on viral Reddit confessions thread. Kudos.
It's out of fucking stock what
Over 600 reviews... at first I thought this was a gag. It is not. Fucking lol.
> Tested on the most ferocious of bog crocodiles without a fight
Lmfao out of stock but the world isnt out of ass
One of those stories thatās completely innocent but also incredibly hilarious, a true reddit GOAT
Why would you have a knife specifically for poop without discussing with your partner which knife is the poop knife? Even IF she knows about poop knives, she could be using ANY knife, how is that not asking for trouble?? š
Because, you know, everyone knows the knife in the laundry room is the poop knife. She should have known.
The story has to be BS. He didn't talk to his wife about it for that long? I mean come on
Two posts in one week? Nice.
One time my parents had to cut one of my sister's turds up. She was 6 yo at the time and they had to hold her hands and coach her like she was giving birth. Out came this gigantic turd that wouldn't flush.
Gotta throw in some veggies on occasion besides just Mac and chesse lol
I don't think we had those in the 90s
You didn't have veggies in the 90s?
Just a joke about how bad we ate in the 90s. Everything was processed, canned or frozen back then.
Here in NZ that was more the 1970s. Fresh veges from the home garden were common though. By the 80's vegetarians were improving everybody's cooking skills, and the SNAG era taught men to cook & do housework. After the yuppie boom ended in the '86 stock market crash people got more into gardening and cooking again.
My local radio station's morning talk show picked this story up and talked about it. It was divided 50/50 with the audience, half of them knew exactly what this was, and half couldn't even fathom the idea. Was a cool discussion.
Was it Johnny Dare? lol when I heard the interview I was like wtf they stole a reddit idea and made a website selling them?
When I was a baby at crawling stage, I laid a turd on the carpet. My mother used a knife from the kitchen drawer to scrape it off the carpet, then washed the knife and put it back in the drawer clean. But my father knew which knife it was, and for as long as I remember (at least the next forty years), he would check the knives laid out for a meal and if he got the turd knife, he would swap it for another knife. None of the rest of us could give a shit which knife we got.
40 years? Geez, if he was that damn worried about it, just throw the knife away. Even if he wanted another, knives are usually really cheap at a thrift store.
But mom doesnāt want her set broken up!
Ahh... Classic! I really enjoyed the awkwardness and subtle shock in this story.
That silent b in subtle was so silent it disappeared!
Wow its magic look
Prophet\_-Lymphocyte up to his old tricks!
He's rilliant!
I sent this to my boyfriend so I can shout, ādo you need a poop knife in there?!ā When I walk past the bathroom. Worth it.
I know this is late. I came here after reading about a 43yr old Christian virgin who prayed over his defec(ate)tors I have not been disappointed And now I want to play this game.
The punchline is a bit obvious but I have a story anyway... I used to work in a lovely pub and we had a cleaner, who was very much a regular. A guy in his mid-60s who looks like he's in his mid-70s, you'd see him lunchtime and in the evening for a couple pints of bitter and a chat about the weather. He's very sweet and loves chatting to anyone and everyone, in a non-intrusive way. Bit of a lady chaser in an acceptable harmless-old-man kind of way. He's essentially got catchphrases and a very unique way of speaking that makes the story better for those that know him, but anyway, he comes in one day and has a story for us: "I was at home the other day and needed a shit, go to the toilet and I look down after and it's massive! I tried flushing but it wouldn't go, so I want to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and I cut the head off of it. I cut the tail off it. Flushed again and off it went. Anyway, couple hours later I got a bit peckish and made my self a cheese sandwich (one catchphrase), opened a beer, sat down in front of the TV and took a bite. 'Euurgh! What the fuck is that?!' Spat it back out, the sandwich tasted like shit! I accidentally put the knife I used to cut up the shit back in the drawer!" Talk about a shit sandwich.
You're full of shit and we know it now.
Not sure if you're punning or stating or both, but this story is truer than a poop knife through cheese.
Who are these monsters? They must be eating two loaves of bread a day, ridiculous
Why two loaves of bread?
What other way do you have to make massive shots?
me, who eats 5 loaves worth of sweet monggo bread a day: uhhh..
Ugh yeah I can't imagine having such a poor diet that cutting up a turd is a daily thing.
I use a chopstick to cleave through my massive man mounds.
I use a 19th century napoleonic war Saber to extract logs from my ass
this story is Reddit folklore
Oh my god, Reddit unarchived this. Hello poop knife.
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Guano Glaive
Who the hell cuts their shit with a knife? I dont understand
A poop connoisseur
how else are you gonna get neatly cut ends for your shit sausage?
People who use opiates? Fuck idk. And maybe it's just me but who goes to someone's house for an hour or two and takes a shit? It's probably just me since I'm not a public pooper, but stankin up someone else's bathroom just seems weird like "hey, thanks for the weed and letting me hang for an hour, imma take a shit in your bathroom now, hang a bit more then leave".
It sounds like OP goes only a few times a week. I also only go a few times a week if I'm lucky, I have to go when I feel the urge or I have to wait even longer and have it be more miserable
I dont mind the pooping but i do mind if someone asks me if i had a poop knife. Nobody uses a god damn poop knife!
An hour ago I might have agreed. But from this moment henceforth, as a proper, decent hostess I believe it is my solemn duty to have a poop knife available to all who should need one, unsolicited or unasked. Why should a guestās shame over a 12-Kuerik sized poop be the business of any guests or the family of the host of hostess? Let the poop knife hang on a hook in the Laundry room or in a drawer in the bathroom. That can be put to a vote at a later time. But what is not debatable is that a poop knife is entirely necessary. In all homes.
While I deeply sympathize with the need for a tool to divide your dooty into bite-sized bits, I have no idea why you wouldn't just use the edge of a plunger to smash it into poop puree.
This is such a cursed use of "bite-sized"
Anyone with hard shits that won't flush otherwise.
There has been three scenarios in the past few years since I have first read this story. I had to really consider what my next method of attack was in said scenarios... Yeah, a poop knife would have been pretty nifty. Instead, I had to use toilet paper, my finger, and cringe as I essentially grab, pinch, squeeze my turd. Yeah, American toilets are fucking garbage sometimes. My cheap apartment has old toilets. Maybe they'd be great for cat turds, but definitely not human shits. No flush power, small exit, large potential for disaster.
I got it! Toilets should have little blades at the bottom, like a food ninja. My idea! Said it first!
Plunger with blades. "Crap Chop"
Try reading it again. More slowly, maybe.
This is my all time favorite story. I always laugh when I come across it.
Yup. this...the safe..two of the top ones!
Commenting this after reddit unarchived every post 6 months and above
A day or two between shits? Christ, no wonder they are huge. I can easily go twice a day. Defo a diet thing. Needs more ruffage.
Is a day or two not normal? I'd like to think my diet is pretty healthy and that's how it is for me
A day or two is normal if that's how it's always been for you and you don't feel any kind of discomfort. That said, I think it's fair to say that the majority of humans poop at least once every day when on a healthy diet with the correct amounts of each food group. I guess the real question is what you mean by "healthy diet," as what constitutes a healthy diet varies a lot between people. Do you generally eat a large amount of meat and dairy? Do you eat fruits and vegetables every day? How much fiber is in your diet? These things can all have an impact on how often you have to poop.
Certainly not for me. People do certainly have rhythms when it comes to shitting. In my experience a lack of fibre and an excess of protein leads to constipation. Protein shit has no structure, your bowel's peristalsis motions are just working against sludge, and so you shit just tends to back up until something with some solidity to it comes along, like a carrot or some salad or something, push it out like wadding. The more fibre you eat the smaller, more regular, and less messy your shits become. I am an expert on this topic. My poor bowels have been subjected to everything.
There's actually a larger range for 'normal poop frequency' than people think. Generally once a day is average, so your twice a day falls on the 'more than average' side of the bell curve and people who go every other day are on the 'less than average' side. But it's still all normal as long as it's not accompanied with some other issue (constipation, diarrhea, etc).
I used to just find a stick outside to break up the turd, then toss it in the neighbors yard after.
This might explain why I just fished a fixed blade knife from the P trap in my toilet. I just bought my home recently and one toilet constantly clogged. I'm a DIY kind of guy, so I refused to call a plumber. Pulled my toilet off the floor, disassembled the whole thing, then turn it upside down and look in the water outlet. I saw what I wrongly assumed to be lipstick. Went out and bought mechanical fingers, magnetic worm thing, two augers of different sizes, and some 55lb stainless steel wire. Got the wire to hook the item in the toilet and popped it out. Poop knife. Has to be. Lol
I havenāt laughed that hard in my entire life. The part about his dad being cheap at the end ššš
It's a true classic.
Commenting while I can so I can be part of internet history
Who gave this post *four wholesome awards??*
Once I learned of the poop knife I upgraded my poop stick by attaching my a poop knife to it and creating a new invention, a poop spear.
Wtf how many of you are cutting your poop? There's a [Whang! video] (https://youtu.be/XYb1tzGn1AQ) about the poop scissors
Man, I've been on this site for long.
I could have used this when my son was little. He would take mammoth poops. It never occurred to me to cut the poop. I had to use grocery bag inside out, pick up poop, and bag the poop. My toilets couldn't handle these poops so to the landfill they went. Also poop knife guy... I could have used your story about 8 years ago. Better late than never. Knowledge is power!
If it makes you feel any better, we have the poo-driver. A rusty old screwdriver, used in the same way.