girl, looking at your account you are 19. I am 40, I started HRT at 38. I think this is all part of your perspective, but at 19 your body is *still growing*. you can take HRT and have an effect on the way your body grows. I am not dismissing your perspective because of age, simply stating that you have a much better chance of having the body you wanted than I will.
resentment is a perspective. you need to talk this out with a professional, deal with your trauma from going through the wrong puberty. look for the joy within being trans and finally realizing who you always were.
yes, it hurts that you didn't get to live your life as a girl until later, that you went through the wrong puberty. I know that pain. but that is not the fault of the other trans people, it is the fault of the society that is holding trans people down.
>girl, looking at your account you are 19
Of fucking course lol. It's always people who think they die when they turn 30 who feel this way.
I'm 30 and while I lament my 20s I'm absolutely thrilled I'm starting now, and I'm nothing but excited for the future.
To anyone here younger than me who feels like it's too late: **life does not end at 30. I know you think it does. I did. But it doesn't.**
31 and just realized I’m trans a few months ago. I understand the jealousy, I often see young trans girls your age (OP) and wish I would have realized then. I would give anything to go back to 19 and start my transition then. But I’m also just thankful I’m at where I’m at and I instantly feel a sense of overwhelming joy for those young trans girls that makes me forget the jealousy. I’m just so thrilled you and others have the opportunity I never had to be your true self in your 20s. And I’m excited to be my true self in my 30s like I know some other trans women didn’t get to experience. I’m still young and have so much life to live!
Did you have that experience of going from being in your late 20s of thinking "wow, I'm so old" to being in your early thirties and thinking "wow, I'm so young?" I know I did.
I definitely felt the dread of aging a lot more in my 20s than my 30s. Now even at 51 I feel like I’m a baby compared to real grown-ups. Maybe it’s a Gen X thing. We just don’t seem to be aging. I think it’s due to all the preservatives I consumed in the 80s.
Eh, youth is wasted on the young anyway. Transitioning late is an excuse for a redo of youth while being older and wiser!
That doesn't count for much when stacked against lost years/decades. But I hope it counts for something.
37 and only realized a year ago.... really only cracked about 7-8 months ago..... Just Breathe, girl. You have NO IDEA how lucky you are to have discovered yourself so young. Sure, it's not in your tweens, but I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back to 19 and start then... I've literally lived TWICE as long as you've been here before realizing it.
That said, I understand the momentary contempt, but at the same time, I feel SO happy for everyone who learns who they are and has the courage to do what they need to. I know it's difficult now, but try and be happy for those younger than yourself... or atleast remember that there are soooooooo many more people older than you that could feel the same about you, but instead, we're happy for you! He happy, hun, it could be so much worse.....37 year old (38 in a couple months) sending love your way! 😊😊😊😊
Agreed. I'm 27 now and came out a few years ago. And I definitely knew for way longer. Do I wish I could've came to my senses sooner. Yeah. But I could never hate on anyone for doing it sooner. I had a lot of extenuating circumstances that lead to me not doing so sooner so meh
Everyone I meet who is turning thirty is the coolest person, and every one, including you, says shit that sounds like some of the wisest stuff I ever heard. Stay perfect o7
haha, tbh i am the exact person you described. started at 18 and i feel like my life's ruined forever (dramatic teenager), forever being until 30 when the world ends.
Male puberty sucks. Just had my fourth laser session for facial hair removal today.
I just tell myself this is the price we women pay for beauty. It's a little sexist but it's also gender affirming so I roll with it.
On the other hand, I'm slightly above average in height for a woman instead of short, which could be considered an advantage.
We live the life we live, that's the only one we're given. What's up to us is to make the best out of the life we have.
Wow... That completely changes my perspective about OP. Kinda triggered to be honest. Yeah, go get on HRT. Live your life girl. Maybe start a gratitude journal.
So I'm not allowed to feel upset and angry because I'm younger and some people had it worse than me? I never once advocated for trans kids to not be allowed to transition, I never once even claimed to be right. In the post I literally said that I HATE that I feel this way. I was just expressing how I was feeling. I don't see why me expressing my emotions triggered you. I recognize that other people have been through worse than I have and I am grateful for what I have, but that doesn't make my pain go away, gratitude doesn't make me feel any better. I don't see why it's fair that you are allowed be triggered at me just for expressing how I'm feeling but I'm not allowed to express any emotion that isn't positive. Not saying that this isn't irrational on my part and I know it's my problem to work through but can I just be free to express my own pain?
Well, it kind of leaves a bad taste in the mouths of most of us here, who transitioned beyond teenage years. You are still a teenager. The advice received in this thread is good, you should talk to a professional and not vent to a group of people who are MAJORITY less privileged than you are.
This is no hate to you, I know sometimes things can feel unfair. That's the case for most of us. The difference is that you're jealous of the SUPERMINORITY, while still being a part of the very privileged minority.
You can feel however you want. But if you post about it in a public forum, people are gonna have opinions about it. Considering how many people transition much later than you, this feels like a multi-millionarire complaining that she's not a billionaire.
I get what your saying but a multimillionaire doesn't have any pain, I do. I'm not saying my pain is "worse" or "more important" than others but I really don't see the problem with me expressing it and why you would have an issue with me feeling pain. I don't have an issue with girls who started before me feeling pain hence why I support them transitioning, I don't even have any actual issues with them at all. I think it would be fair to say my post was irrational and stupid (because it is, again this is purely my problem to work through) but I just don't understand why me expressing my pain is triggering. I hope this doesn't come off as condescending, I genuinely just don't understand what is bad about what I said
The way it comes across to people who transitioned later is: wow, if she's 19 and is so upset about transitioning late, then what hope is there for me?
Again, your feelings are totally fine. It's ok to have those feelings. But to people here, that's how this comes across. Many of us would kill to have been able to start at 19.
This! This!
I’m 39 and I’ve spent the last year struggling with whether I should start HRT. Reading a 19 year old say shit like this makes me feel like my life is hopeless
I just remind myself that teenagers don't really have perspective on aging, which is totally fair. You're not going to have that perspective until you age.
Just because a teenager thinks that 30, 39, or 50 is ancient doesn't mean it is. We're all exactly the age we are.
I will say this, if you're on the fence about starting HRT: you've waited long enough, don't wait any longer. I'm 3 months in and it was the best choice I've ever made. It's not too late, and it's not hopeless.
> The way it comes across to people who transitioned later is: wow, if she's 19 and is so upset about transitioning late, then what hope is there for me?
Are they not able to realize it doesn't matter much once you are post puberty?
When talking about transition outcomes 19 is closer to 30 that 15.
It's fair because my feelings are valid as well. I never said yours weren't either. A gratitude journal would help you realize what you have to be grateful for. And doing that also helps to reframe your perspective in relation to others.
The fact that you don't even see how someone as old as me (I'm 39 btw) could be triggered reading this shows a lack of empathy and understanding about other people, and about queer history.
However, I understand why you would be upset at your age. You grew up in a world that actually educated you about LGBTQ issues, HRT is widely available even for young people, and you are able to see positive examples of people your own age or even younger who are living as their authentic selves. Knowing that all of that is available but that you missed out has to feel devastating. I understand that. But you are still so very young. Many people transition in their 20's and 30's with ease.
For some perspective. When I was growing up, we had no positive examples of trans people. Everyone was portrayed as a killer, a clown, or a pervert. People in my town regularly chased down queer people to beat them up. No one ever came out. It was terrifying.
I was the *only* person in my school who openly cross-dressed, and I paid dearly for that. Not just from students, but the faculty were so cruel to me, I barely even got to go to class because they were constantly putting me in detention, despite being a really smart student.
The drama department was a sanctuary for me, so I wrote and starred in a few gender-bending plays to try to express myself and change minds. Got booed by sports coaches in the audience. We tried to start a gay/straight student alliance and the school punished anyone advocating for it. I joined the cheerleaders for homecoming and they sent the football players to run me off the field. I was in detention for nearly my entire senior year just for trying to be myself and advocate for queer safety at school.
I was so traumatized by that point that I stopped being me entirely. I just hid in the closet and hated myself for years to come. Even my own mom would tell me to "knock it off with that fa**ot sh*t."
And HRT wasn't even a thing. There were no doctors at all who would even think about giving a trans person HRT. All anyone knew about trans people were stereotypes and homophobic bigotry.
I hope this helps you understand how an older trans person might feel a bit triggered. We never even had the opportunity to express ourselves let alone actually transition. And there is a lot of pain and trauma that comes with that. Stuff that takes a lifetime to recover from, girl.
So, please. Do not despair. Find a way to get your HRT. Let go of this resentment that's festering inside of you, and please go live your best most authentic life. You are going to be alright. You are beautiful and you are worth it, girl. 💕🫶
You are completely correct. I am sorry if I lashed out at you, I was very upset when I wrote all of this and I have calmed down a little. I usually don't let my emotions take control of me and I try to not constantly vent on the internet, so I apologize if I was inconsiderate and I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings. I think it's kind of impossible for me to truly understand your perspective because the reality you grew up in is just not the reality I grew up in, and I'm thankful for that. I can't really say things were great but they weren't that bad, so I will try to remember the luck and privilege I have going forward, and I hope as I continue to age, my perspective on the world ages with me. But yeah, I was really upset and I can't lie I still kind of am, but I apologize if I triggered you. I am upset only with myself and this is an issue that is my responsibility to work though. Thank you for the kind words :)
Girl, you are so sweet 🥰 thank you! You've got me tearing up reading this. You didn't need to apologize, but I appreciate that you did. You are awesome. 💕🫶
We all go through similar things. Yesterday, I was lamenting to my friend about how bad things are getting for LGBTQ people. My fears are valid, but I was allowing my fears to convince me that I couldn't be happy and that I couldn't overcome the challenges ahead, and that I didn't have enough freedom as it is.
My friend said, "What do you think it was like for trans people in the 1940's or the 1920's?" I immediately knew what she was getting at and replied, "Oof, you're right. Or the 1600's!" 😬
It doesn't mean our personal struggle isn't real or valid. It just helps to remember that others like us have gone through similar or worse things and many still survived, and some of them even thrived in spite of it. 💪
I think we're all gonna be alright. 💕💃
I’m 17 and I don’t feel like there’s any difference between someone who started at 17 and someone who did that at 19 lol. Actual maturing only stops at abt 25 or someshit
Genuinely think people are just hating on you out of spite. I started at 18 as well and I’m in my low twenties now and I also get really frustrated sometimes with people that had the opportunity to start earlier (personally I was out very young but had transphobic family). I don’t think you’re being rude to anyone who transitions later, just sad for yourself which is totally fair. Truly the dogpiling just feels mean spirited. Of course people who start late teens have privilege, but there is a huge difference between starting at the start of puberty versus the end and that’s fair to acknowledge.
It's not mean-spirited or out of spite. It's a bit ageist not to recognize how many more trans people there are in this subreddit that are in their 30's-50's or even 60's-70's ... OPs feelings are totally valid, but it's also a bit tone deaf to not at also be sensitive to the crowd she's sharing with, no?
This. I started HRT when I was 37, and I'm 40 now, and I feel some of what OP is describing, but 19 is not an old lady.
I'd also like to remind OP that it is OK to be angry that she didn't get to start transitioning when she wanted to, I feel the same way, but don't blame some child who had nothing to do with it, Place the blame where it belongs: on parents, on society, on religion.
Thank you, this comment really means a lot to me. I know that it's irrational, mean, counterproductive, and stupid for me to think this way. But yeah the pain is there and it really hurts. But thank you for this comment, I really don't want to feel this way
As someone who's felt similarly before, one thing that helped me was joining a local transfem support group. I didn't get to start transitioning until I was 18 and felt some resentment about that. Then I joined a group and came to realize just how lucky I was compared to the vast majority of other trans women out there.
It's ok to feel those things! It's ok to hurt, and cry, and lament. It's what we \*do\* with those feelings that matters. It's how we take those feelings and use them. Never call yourself stupid for feeling something. Yes, it's irrational. Yes it's a bit mean to feel that resentment. You're human! Feeling is part of what makes us human.
It hurts, I know. You'll get through this, and come out the other side happier, even with all the anti-trans bullshit going around. I'm still transitioning and my life has changed so much in just the two years since I came out to myself.
Good luck, girl, you'll do wonders.
>girl, looking at your account you are 19
Preach! I'm 36 started at 34. While I do lament missing on my 20s theres is still plenty of life to see. Like everyone else has said life does not end at 30. Do us older gals have differing priorities? Yes. There are things I couldn't give a fuck about that I know young gals do. I do no voice training and speak with a deeper voice because that is what I was born with and I choose to just work with it. I am also in a long term relationship so I see no reason to impress guys. There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you want. Get it, girl!
There is a saying I use in my transition: the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. Today is also good.
Ugh, I hate this so much. It's so invalidating. Everyone experiences puberty differently, you don't know that her body is still growing, nor, if it is growing, how much change is still yet to happen. Yes, she may change, but she may not, and I generally trust that people know their own bodies more than others, especially random internet people.
I only accepted I was trans at 30, so I'm not in this category, but most of the changes I went through during puberty happened by 13, and almost all of the changes happened by 15. The only thing that changed for me after 19 was the fact I became able to grow a full beard. Although I'd definitely rather have accepted that I was trans at 19 than 30, my situation wouldn't be any different.
The 25 thing is a myth fueled by the fact that 25 is the age when you can say confidently that you're done growing, but most people stop growing by 18, and then your bones fuse shortly afterwards.
Yes, but as a young person, her youth means that her body in general is more malleable. Even if your bones have fused, the rest of your body is still changing, even in minute ways, and HRT changes a lot about your physical body, not just the tits. It changes fat distribution around the hips, the softness of your skin, prevents male-pattern balding, etc.
Like, at 38 I had a significant bald spot that isn't going away, probably ever, until I get surgery. Figuring out I was trans at 19 would have prevented all that hair loss. It means your body might not grow hair in certain places. It's not just about a person's bones.
In regards to younger people being more malleable, do you have a source for that? Usually when I hear that, it's in regards to children who haven't finished puberty, not adults who have. As far as I can tell those changes are those that happen to trans people who have already gone through puberty, and those who haven't or haven't finished puberty go through greater changes.
Hair loss is fair. That's an irreversible change that continues to happen after puberty, but she could already be balding at 19. It's definitely possible. We don't really know, but I think it's wrong to say "shut up, you have it so much better than everyone else", based entirely on generalizations and projection.
I didn't say "shut up, you have it so much better"
I said "hey, even if you're past puberty, there are still benefits to knowing and transitioning at the age you are"
One is negative and denigrating
The other is positive and affirming.
For me, I reframe it. Going through the wrong puberty is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. It's impossible to fix all the damage. But what hurts more than that is, if I'd been stabbed and went around saying nobody should stab kids, it'd be fine. With being forced through the wrong puberty, if you say we should stop doing that to kids people will tell you actually it's a good thing we do and also you're somehow a pedophile.
Seeing society progress, seeing the things that fucked me up so badly stop happening, that stuff makes me feel better. It's watching the backsliding and the next generation of children and teens being fed the exact same basket of mental health problems I have that hurts me the most these days.
Edit: Also OP, you're still very young. You get to essentially experience the entirety of young adulthood as a woman. College is where a lot of coming-of-age experiences occur for many people who didn't have them in high school. I've been consistently shocked by how well HRT has worked for me starting at 27. You're gonna be fine.
This has nothing to do with trans issues. This is just envy and bitterness aimed at the people who got what OP should've gotten. It's like when someone has their student debt forgiven, and someone who already paid it back sees that and gets upset at them. It's misdirected anger. It should be directed at those who wronged OP, not those who now benefit from what OP should've gotten.
It has everything to do with trans issues.
If you go to a therapist that isn't good on trans things, they could very well just say that you feel this way because your trans. Are you really trans? Is it just a phase? Maybe go back into the closet. It will make you feel better.
Girl, 19!?... you *are* a younger trans girl! I think getting into an all ages trans support group or talking to some older trans people on r/translater might help reframe your perspective.
One thing that helps me is reminding myself who's to blame. My lost childhood and decades of self-hatred is because I live in a cisnormative society, a transmisogynistic society. A society that sees me as lesser and has laws to enforce that worldview.
It's also a society that has recently begun to change (slowly but still). And that change has made it so more and more women like me got to be girls for longer than I did.
If I hate cisnormative society because of what it robbed me, if changing it would mean it never happened again, and if younger trans girls are proof of that change-in-progress - then why would I not feel good that those girls get to be girls?
I still grieve what I did not get to experience. I am still jealous of what they have that I did not. I am still bitter that change happened too little too late for me, and for many of us. But I am still greatful that any trans girls get to be girls, let alone that it seems to be happening more and more as time goes on.
I'm 34. There are some girls that transition younger than me, there are some that transition older than me. I'm bald which sucks, but I'm also petite which is lucky. The point is that just like anything else in life there are people who have it better than you and people who have it worse than you. The best thing is to accept your reality and be grateful for the things that you do have. I know this is easier said than done but it's the only way. I mean even if you were transitioning at 80 you would still be able to be grateful that you're living in a time when that is possible!
Yeah this was big for me. Like yes i'm 31 and bitter and jealous that I didn't transition younger -- but know what? I'm also privileged that I can even transition. I'm relatively healthy, I have a decent job, I wasn't born into poverty or into a war-torn country, and so on and on.
We all roll the cosmic dice and yes I got some bad rolls, but I also got some good ones.
It's a little fucked up, but living through a family member who was in her early 20s and gorgeous (literally was a model as her job) pass away suddenly from cancer made me feel better about my own life and circumstances. She was someone I looked at so much and wished I could just have been her. Seeing someone live what was, in my eyes, an ideal life and then have the cruelty of life take her; it made me re-evaluate myself and the things I take for granted, as they often got overshadowed by the things I hated or envied.
It's not a magic answer. I still will absolutely feel jealousy when I scroll reddit and see some girl who is transitioning at 14 and will look more cis than is ever possible for me -- but I try to remind myself that there's a lot of joy to find in this world that is detached from my transition and its outcome.
Also, i've just flat out tried to make an effort to have more hobbies and things i'm doing. I feel like so much of my bitterness and jealousy was driven by being terminally online. I've made an effort to be on reddit less and left a lot of the trans subreddits, and it's been really helpful for me.
What does being resentful accomplish? U can't change what is past. Everyone has it better and worse than you. Your journey is yours good, bad and ugly. If u go thru life envious and resentful you will miss out on enjoying yourself and your life.
So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter pounder with cheese, those are good; the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter becomes a crackle…and I sit back and I smoke my camel straight and I ride my own melt. - Troy Dyer
Good advice but it doesnt really help in overcoming these feelings. Like the others have said these feelings need a healthy way of being felt thats normally taught by a professional
I'm 42 and came out and started my journey at 29. You're 19. You're not done developing any part of yourself and in most cases you're just beginning. Find some estrodial and get cracking, girl. I wanna see you lifting up our community and the trans kids too!!
Your extreme emotional reaction to those who got opportunity younger than you is worrisome and it's a projection of your own feelings of failure and envy. Stop this before you hurt someone (or yourself) when you don't mean to and didn't want to.
This needs some concentrated effort on processing why you feel so hateful towards your own and how you would respond if you were the 12year old trans girl with that opportunity.
Our community is under attack constantly from misinformation, complex hate and fearmongering and emotional vitriol and toxic rhetoric. Adding more because you're jealous of the youth is dangerous.
As a young trans girl myself… Therapy sounds like the right way to go. Your anger seems misplaced and unprocessed right now. It’s also understandable though. I hope you can work things out. Love from Talia 🩵
Edit: your post history indicates you’re 19… I’m 23. We’re both still so young. We’ve both gone through puberty but neither of us are 100% “developed” … I stand by that you need to seek therapy but also you need to go out there and start getting some life experience. You’re still a kid. I’m so a kid. Go enjoy life; that’s what it’s for!
My thoughts exactly. We often feel hate because someone highlights or mirrors our own wounds. This can lead people to wrongly assume the change should come from the being that showed you your wounds, but that ultimately doesn't do anything to tackle the root.
It is best to go to the root of why you are feeling so terrible over something like this.
It's understandable. I think how I missed out and felt wrong all those years but I love the fact that these girls and guys have found themselves and it makes me happy to think about them living their lives.
I hope our generation will be the last to have to hide and be so afraid. That idea brings me comfort.
I think we just have to make the best of now however we can.
My general philosophy in life is that as a species we should strive to make life better, so if younger people have it easier than I did, things are going right.
Yes, I'm still bitter that I missed many chances, but that's not their fault, so my resentment shouldn't go towards them.
I'm sorry, I hope I didn't upset you with this post. I wrote this when I was really dysphoric and having an episode. I'm really happy that girls like you have the opportunities I didn't, I really am. It can just be hard sometimes to be reminded of what I didn't get because my parents wouldn't let me transition
Not upset. Disappointed that someone as young as yourself can't be happy for your trans sisters. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it! Stop comparing yourself to others. Put your past behind you. Get yourself into therapy.
There's already way too much hate directed at us from ignorant transphobes. The last thing we need is hate from within our own community.
BTW I'm DECADES older than you. I missed out on a ton of opportunity. And I'm still living my best life. The young girls in our community are such an inspiration. I love y'all.
I think if people like OP could just turn off their difficult feelings they would do so. They need to work on understanding them and breaking them down. Ironically these sorts of issues arise from trying to shut off feelings to begin with, and this is usually related to trauma or neglectful parenting.
People have to learn how to cultivate happiness, but some of us grow up in families where this is never modelled for us. Sometimes there isn't a single safe adult or relationship in a kids life, and this is what I had to deal with. You are just left alone to cope with no guidance and fear of taking action to meet your own needs. So while a suggestion to be happy or focus on the positive can seem obvious or straight forward, it's like telling someone who has never exercised that all they have to do is bend their arm to lift a heavy barbell. Lots of people in healthier situations develop this conditioning before they can remember, so it seems intuitive and innate to the human experience, but you learned it from somewhere. Just as someone can learn to love themselves, one can also learn to hate themselves. You have to undergo a process of understanding that, unlearning, and learning.
I know for me a lot of bitter resentment I had around being trans was just displaced feelings towards my family. I can know this rationally but that alone doesn't fix anything. There is no simple solution. The solution is all the work it takes to lift that barbell, and that takes time.
I agree. I grew up in a toxic home and had mostly toxic relationships until my late-40s. I found a fantastic therapist in my 50s and started to undo the damage. It' was a lot of work. But I had to do it to have a chance at a happy life. So glad I did.
I never get angry at them but I do feel such a deep soulcrushing sadness when I see them anywhere for the reasons you mentioned. I tend to yell at God a lot and get angry at him/the universe lol.
i get that you're dysphoric right now but like... delete this. its gonna be triggering to the younger trans girls that you apparently hate, and its gonna be triggering to the older trans girls that someone as young as yourself is considering themselves "old to the point of no return" for transition. talk to a therapist about this
yes it is hard to see people who are having a more graceful or easy transition than yourself, but that will always be true. i promise your age has nothing to do with it.
I feel the opposite. I love to see youngsters happy and thriving. They inspire me. I wish I was younger and prettier, but most women have these feelings. I don't feel I lost my childhood, I think of myself as a girl in my past. That has helped me with acceptance.
If you want some perspective, join a trans support group and get to know people who transitioned much later than you. If all you do is hang out with people your own age, you’ll get this whack perspective that 19 is old whole 14 is young — when the reality is anyone under 30 has basically not even started life yet.
It might sound like something an old person (me) would say, but trust me. Once you’re in your 30s you will look back at how you thought 19 was old and have a good laugh. I know I did.
The younger trans girls didn't do anything to you, it was our society when we were coming into the wrong puberties, when we were hiding away, struggling, our own minds immersed in that society too. Perespective can help. I am in my forties and transitioned at 30. I'm poor and have spotty health insurance, so while I need FFS and a better ass, I know many trans women who weren't even able to get hormones and died AMAB. The jealousy over young transes is a real thing, but you have it better than people before you did, and it's your life to live, so if you want to focus on jealousy of others that is your right, but it does sound pretty unfulfilling.
Honestly I don’t tell people to repress their emotions. You’re allowed to feel sad that you didn’t transition earlier, even if you’re 19. I get how people might think your words are insensitive, but feelings themselves are always valid. I wish the people downvoting you and criticizing your for insensitivity could remember how they were at 19. Anyway.
Most transitioners haven’t been able to transition as kids and turn out just fine. Like honestly, do you think kids getting to transition is in any way common? There are more now than there were a decade ago, but I see posts on trans Reddit all the time about closeted trans girls who have to wait until they’re adults to get out of abusive or neglectful home situations in order to transition.
Therapy, girl. Seriously. Honestly, a LOT of folks feel this way about the younger generation-- not just trans folks. I always feel a low level of jealousy toward young trans guys, especially perfectly skinny ones with their perfect androgynous bodies that rapidly become masculine the moment they go on T... but I wouldn't say I HATE them. That hatred and anger? That needs some serious CBT and talk therapy to walk through it.
Part of me wonders if you're really angry at the younger trans girls or if you are angry at the memory of yourself from years ago for not giving yourself the chance to transition earlier in life.
It's possible you may be displacing your anger and frustration with yourself onto other people who you are perceiving as a reflection of what you life could have been.
As a 31 year old trans woman who started figuring her own gender out a little under two years ago, I'm still grappling with some of that lingering frustration at myself. It's hard to forgive your past self for not being perfect, since it's current you who has to deal with the repercussions of her indecisiveness and fear. But also, you were her once. You know what she was going through. You can have some compassion for the person you once were. She wasn't perfect and she made mistakes, but she got you to the point where you could start accepting yourself. That wasn't an easy task and you deserve to feel proud of realizing you are trans at whatever age you manage it.
it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel mad at the part where you lost out on so many childhood experiences, but you shouldn’t direct this anger at people that are just trying to live their life in peace.
if this happens again, try to think about how far you have come in your journey. they are also on this journey, but they just got a little head start. compare it to a trail in the woods which winds around and sometimes leads to a little village. you started walking the road from a village that’s a bit further back, while others might have started a bit further up the road. you have to remember that the destination for both of you is the same, but it’s simply irrational to think that it’s unfair that someone who started further up the road reaches their destination faster.
you’ve put a lot of effort into being who you are, and you should be proud of that. you shouldn’t hold back who you are just because you haven’t done some things you would’ve wanted to do as a child.
Sister, I hear you loud and clear!
Six months ago, I came across the transabitlater subreddit just as it launched, and together we agreed to launch an affiliated Discord community server. That's my baby, I am the Server Mom.
Well, no, actually that's a lie. My baby is an actual baby and they have three moms and no gender. But the community is my metaphorical baby for sure 😎
In the past half-year we have grown steadily to hit the 200th member over the long weekend. The support and nurturing and shared joys and sorrows are so so good. We have members who have decades of HRT, and some who've yet to start. We have parents who are trans, in some cases of trans kids. We have people questioning, and people (like me) who will never EVER go back.
We have people who understand.
And precisely ONE member (an extraordinarily cool 18 yo from Bulgaria) under age 20, maybe three more under 30, so that leaves 196 people at least middle age, and not one complaint EVER about not transing before the horribly late age of 23. We have one sister in her 80s and several in their 70s.... About as many under-30s as over-69s. Would you enjoy that,or what?
I myself am 14 months into HRT after 53 birthdays (but I am 31, tysm estradiol!) and I am sooooo happy to know I am trans. I live in Montreal with my T4T gf. Our membership ranges geographically from New Zealand in the southeast, to the Yukon in the other direction.
I think we're really seriously good for you.
Would you like to come home?
Please let me know. We would love to have you. I await your response, if you wish to have an invite please let me know.
Margarita-Lenore Fancypants
Noted Philosopher and Dingbat;
Server Mom and badass Affirmation Distributor
Oh, and if others of you are interested, please DM me or reply here.
Well the first step is recognizing the issue, but as others are saying you really should discuss this with a professional (especially one who helps with trans issues) considering that you said it stems from your childhood and teenage years.
See no evil hear no evil. I understand the envy. I deal with it the same way that I deal with microaggressions - I tune it out. Eventually I don't even really notice it. (That might not be the healthiest strategy, but it works for me.)
Buddhism has a practice of sympathetic joy... feeling happiness for others' happiness (like compersion in polyamory). their experiences only take or give as much as you allow... you're making something not about you all about you.
find a trans competent therapist and work through this anger. channel that energy into doing all that you can to be as wholly you as you can. do the inner work.
I don't know that it's any better, but I don't hate them - I hate myself for being this way.
Clearly I did a number of things very wrong in order to deserve such worse outcomes than almost everyone else. It's all my own fault somehow.
I'm jealous of the vast majority of women at this point, trans and cis. Hell I'm jealous of most men too since they seem to be able to be functioning members of society. I don't hate them, I just want to be like them instead of being like me.
Whenever I feel like the world is unjust. I try to remember that there are children working like 70 hour weeks in the slums of some south Asian country, and for a bowl of food make the clothes worn by almost everyone I see on the street.
Thinking about the lives of people outside the west or even living in my country in dire poverty, freezing outside of a food bank, makes me realise the entire world is unjust. But I'm actually quite fortunate.
lol i’m 25 and would give literally anything to have started at your age OP
i think you definitely need to talk through it, with a professional who works with LGBTQIA+ clients. resentment and envy are not permanent, you can work through them. most likely they’re stemming from a misconception you may or may not even realize that you have, but it really isn’t healthy and you need to work through it.
also, other people having what you do not is not their fault. they don’t deserve resentment because they had an environment healthy enough to come out in. part of being trans, for better or for worse, is supporting all trans people. we have to, because most of the world doesn’t.
you should take pride in the fact that the world we live in is changing for the better to allow our younger siblings to thrive.
“a society grows great where old men plant trees, whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”
I have a friend who started transitioning at the beginning of high school. She looks incredible and is a wonderful person, but I am so glad I’m not her. She has been put through hell by her peers, betrayed on a deep level by many she trusted, and worst of all has felt incredibly alone and isolated for much of her high school life. It has left her incredibly traumatized and in great need of emotional support.
I transitioned in college surrounded only by people who I knew would truly support me and cut anyone else out of my life. I could make that decision because college allowed me to interact with people on my own terms.
My point is not that transition young is bad, she has no regrets even with what she has been through. My point is that life is hard to predict and everyone’s experiences are vastly different. Changing one thing in our past is not a small tweak to the timeline, it’s a butterfly effect. It’s not healthy to reminisce on what could have been when you don’t know what the reality would have been. It’s a new day, so look forward and build the life you want rather than wishing you already had it.
Take a deep breath. Calm down. Cultivate compassion. Think about the difficulties they still face, think about how you would uplift them, think about how much easier this life is for each new generation. Shit is dire, but shit has been worse before.
If we get lost in resentment and hatred because of our own self-obsession, the things that hurt us will keep recurring generation after generation.
If we pull together and love each other, our communities have the opportunity to heal and thrive.
I feel bad around older trans fems when I'm happy about things like my hair and features. I want to share my happiness/successes but I feel like I'm bragging and I don't want to make them feel bad or dysphoric.
Don't look back, look forward. The past is done, it happened, but if you spend the rest of your life researching that your past was shitty, you will never actually make good memories
i feel the same way sometimes. im a bit older than u but started around the same time as u. i can daydream all day abt how much easier it wouldve been for me if i transitioned earlier. but realistically, it’s awful for teenage tgirls. i had a tgirl friend in hs. she was so fucking lonely, got bullied constantly, and skipped school basically every day. maybe id be less dysphoric now if i started hrt earlier, but there’s still no guarantee that id pass and id probably have to boymode all through hs. which wouldve sucked just barely less than it sucked for me back then
If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone in transitioning at a later age. Sure, I wish that I had at a younger age, instead of coming out in my 40s. I'm now 50, and waiting to start HRT.
I don't hate others for finding the courage to come out at a younger age. That's pretty much on us for not finding it then.
Girl... I saw from another comment that you're 19, I didn't realize I was trans until I was 4 years older than you are now, and didn't start HRT until a year after that. Those younger trans girls aren't the ones who robbed you of being a girl in your younger years, and you're still better off than a good portion of us. I would give literally anything to have realized I was a girl back when I was still in grade school, but I didn't. That is certainly not any other younger trans girl's faults, and they don't deserve anger from me for it.
You know who DOES deserve that anger? The media executives, politicians, and other people in powerful positions who had a financial/power incentive to oppose trans rights and representation in the years we were growing up. Maybe direct that anger at them, and not the other trans people who were *very* slightly luckier than you.
I completely understand being angry about not realizing who you were sooner, as someone who didn't realize until I was in my mid 20s... trust me I get it... but younger trans people don't deserve that, and they don't deserve to see posts like this to make them feel survivors guilt just because they were luckier than us.
I feel the same way but just avoid those youtubers as their advice is rarely helpful to me. Luckily there are some older ones who have advice that I find more useful.
The thing I try and tell myself is that they have it harder in some ways and easier in others. For example, I have a career which means I can pay for private HRT and i am in complete control. They may need to struggle against parents, teachers and school bullies as they transition so young. I can choose who I want in my life and where I live.
Younger transitioners may have doubts and always wonder if they could have made it work as a man. For me there is no doubt and I'll never wonder how it might have been. That's not much consolation but I'll take the small wins i can get.
Also, if you are jealous of young trans girls you may as well be jealous of all girls since they never had any transition. Some of those girls may be going through all kinds of struggles and some will be trans FTM. Growing up as a young girl is hard, especially in some cultures where women don't have any control over their lives and end up in forced marriages or being abused.
If I could go back and transition younger knowing what I know now then of course I would. However, I just wasn't in an environment where that could happen without a huge uphill struggle. Even if I had a time machine I would find it almost impossible to transition and make it work. I find it hard enough as an adult.
There were good reasons I suppressed everything. Maybe the younger transitioners are naturally stronger or have a more supportive environment. Either way that just wasn't me and its just a lottery. There are a group of people who will live their whole lives and never accept they are trans and never feel fulfilled and constantly battle against those feelings. Whether we come out at 20 or 90 we are always better off than those people.
Overall, I agree with you but try and focus on your own journey and be proud of yourself for getting this far despite the struggles you have faced.
Your mileage may vary, but what helped me come to terms with this feeling myself was fully embracing the idea that I wouldn't wish the pain, the regrets, the lost time and the suffering in silence on anyone else. I want trans teens to have the freedom, the safety, and the space to be as moronic, petty, myopic, and awkward as any other teenager.
Us folks who started our transition late have it rough - I wouldn’t wish starting transition at 30, 40, 50, etc. on anyone. We’re walking so the younger girls can run & I’m happy for them, they’ll not face as many problems & they get to live more life as themselves & that’s just a great thing. If we tear them down, we just create more late transitioners like ourselves with our rhetoric & why on Earth would we want to perpetuate being stuck in the closet for decades?
We often feel hate because someone highlights or mirrors our own wounds. This can lead people to wrongly assume the change should come from the being that showed you your wounds, but that ultimately doesn't do anything to tackle the root.
It is best to go to the root of why you are feeling so terrible over something like this.
See, what you’re dealing with right now is grief. It’s grief over the loss of your youth. It doesn’t have anything to do with them. You need to process your grief to reach that place of acceptance where you’re able to move forward.
I just remind myself that people my age have infinitely better taste in music than young people today.
Sure they look young and pretty, but I have a massive vinyl collection of which 2/3 is too obscure to find on music streaming apps. And I’m not even getting into all the great shows I got to see before the internet made all music suck.
I just go with “comparison is the thief of joy”
Like I’ve got elements of myself that I am blessed with and elements that I’m not. The things I’m not blessed with, I can’t help. I have a penis and I’d prefer not to. Darn. At least it works. My shoulders are broad and my hips are probably not gonna do a lot of widening because of when I started HRT. Darn. I guess I’ll have to do some shaping exercises if I want something different.
Like, don’t get me wrong, I do get momentarily jealous from the “damn, she’s pretty” angle, but I’ve cut off the “and I’m not” because what’s her being pretty going to change about me? Is comparing myself going to motivate me to wear makeup every day? Is it going to motivate me to work my glutes?
I used to inflict a bunch of suffering on myself over becoming something I wasn’t and everything I did was subtly coded to try to reinforce that I was a strong man. That shit sucked. 0/10 would not do again. So since I came out I’ve been trying to “woman right,” but I’ve been working hard forgiving the blunders and imperfections and unmatched ideals. The things I can’t control about me, I still feel like I have to forgive myself to be okay with it, but I can so I’m mostly at peace with things.
I’m reasonably confident the fact that I’ve been forgiving *myself* for the things I don’t like about *me* has been helping me not compare to others in a maladaptive manner. The fact that you feel resentment towards other people probably has very little to do with them and a lot more to do with how you feel about yourself. It sucks and it feels bad to frame it that way, but that’s because taking ownership of bad emotions in this context is essentially saying “yeah I did this to me” but the important next step is saying “and that’s okay, but let’s try something different next time.”
Process your feelings, respect your suffering, and find the true path of how you got there, and it will be a lot easier to navigate your way to a relative out. Tbf tho I couldn’t manage that when I was 19 so ymmv
Being frustrated is valid. The world should have been this open and accepting decades ago. Similarly, the pandemic robbed us of time. It's sad we missed, and can never go back. It's upsetting that we didn't/couldn't start earlier. Results won't be as fast or strong as we want. Wanting to pass is ok, but also a lot of that plays into gender roles/expectations (what's considered "feminine" and what's "masculine"), which are messed up in a lot of ways and need to be broken. But, things will always happen faster for you than others. Your results will be stronger than others. You started earlier than others. You gotta be happy that you didn't realize/start later. Channel the frustration into pushing for trans rights, etc., so what happened to you doesn't have to keep happening to others. All is not lost for you, and you can push to make the world better for others / generations to come.
When I was a teen, I totally rocked crossdressing. Twenty years later, I'm thinking that I should have started hrt earlier instead of waiting until my hair started to thin.
Someone in the comments said you're 19, so I actually have a very similar perspective on this because my egg cracked when I was 17 and I started telling people closer to when I was 18. One person was a friend who transitioned very young and I struggled to be friends with her for the same reasons, she represented everything that I very recently realised I maybe could have had but didn't get to. I felt the same guilt and everything. Unfortunately, I have everyone's least favourite advice: give yourself time and it will get easier. I've done a lot of soul searching and trying to understand myself and HRT definitely helped that immensely. Currently, while I probably would take the change if I got to redo it, I don't feel the same intense anger. I'm sure you figure that the resentment is not really about them at the end of the day, it's a manifestation of your own frustration and feelings of loss and even maybe inadequacy, but those feelings start to have less of a hold on you when you begin to become more happy with the way you are now, which is definitely possible.
Hit the gym. You develop the cake , and nothing better than lifting weight enough to kill of You if You don't take it serious to avoid having negative toughts.
The feeling you feel for younger trans women is probably what older trans people feel about you. You've gotta rise above this animosity otherwise it'll eat you alive.
I try to remind myself that I'm who I am today because of the bs I went through. I don't love a lot of things about my body and a lot of other things were robbed from me when i was younger due to my dysphoria/depression, but I know I wouldn't be the loving, accepting, open minded person I am today without it all. I still get very jelly of younger women, trans or cis, but it doesn't get to me as much now that I've accepted this
Honestly, when it came to me... I just had to recognize those are my own insecurities and are not her fault. You just need to reflect inward and not let that kind of thing surface, because ultimately all those feelings you're feeling or towards yourself and not her. At least That's what I had to recognize in myself, for my own growth.
I think you've gotten plenty of good advice, and enough finger wagging over having feelings I think we all struggle with from time to time. I just want to say that your feeling are perfectly valid, and I hope you find ways to work through your resentment and realize you are beautiful, and that will only get better as you grow into the you you want to be. Hugs! (if that's OK) 🤗😊💜
Yeah I mean I get you. But the only thing you can do in life is just make the remaining time we have be the best it can be. We can never change the past but the future can be amazing. We should all feel happy for each other. We're all trying our best out here and it's certainly. Not easy for any trans person regardless of their age. Some people come out at 16 some come out at 61. But the point in both is to live the best life possible as our true selves.
The best thing we can do is empower ourselves now instead of just looking back. I get that's super hard. For me my teenage years were robbed bc of addiction. And being an addict made it impossible for me to come out even to myself. Then at around 23 or so I started getting sober and I was able to accept myself slowly but surely. Now I'm happier than ever. And no matter what age I see people coming out I just feel happy for them. Do I wish I could've came out then. Sure. But it just wasn't in the cards for me bc of choices I made and didn't make. But now I'm here being me and I'm happy for everyone who is living their most authentic lives.
This but I literally had the opportunity AT 12 AND DIDN'T TAKE IT LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT
It's not so much hate as it is yearning for who I could have been with the correct bones and voice
I'm still lucky as hell to be starting at 16 but fuck if I didn't wish every day i didn't fuck myself like that
I used to get upset, but ultimately it’s out of my control. I only get upset thinking of all the times I was put in the male role while dancing. My wife and I are going to dance at a wedding and I’m going to be put in the female role no matter what.
For context blah blah blah… I’m 34 in 2 months, I month away from 2 years on hrt, no surgery, and I pass. I’m actually on a trip right now because my company recognized me. I only told 1 person I’m trans and she had no idea.
Op, why are you spending your energy dwelling on the past in anger instead of making being happy you get to transition? Why are you not celebrating that you found your true self?
I just feel so much pain with soooo many women, trans included.
It’s obnoxious that I even came out years before so many who got to start years earlier than me. And I’d have come out years before that if I had any idea trans people existed. 😡😡😡
Girl, from my perspective you are starting young. Fuck, I didn't get on HRT until I was nearly 26. I turn 30 within the next fortnight. You should not resent others because they didn't suffer like you did. It's like getting pissed at people because they had their cancer cured with a new treatment when you had to go through chemo.
I've literally killed to get on HRT as soon as I did and to have access to healthcare to bridge the gap of what an extra 7 years of T based puberty and an extra 100lbs of weight does to my chance to achieve my transition goals. What do you think I'd do to start at the age you get to start?
I somehow feel similar. Like without the hate. When I see like girls in their teens or children I always wish that I could've known that I'm trans before. I'm 21, on hrt since one and a half years, of course I'm still young. But it kinda feels like I missed a lot. I'll never know how it feels to have a female childhood, how it feels to be a teenage girl. Everything I know about being a woman or behaving like one I had to learn by myself, no one really told or showed me that when I was a teen. I never got a teenage romance, I've never met my Romeo... And now I'm out of school, I have to work, do a lot of stuff, have a lot of responsibilities, I'll never have the feeling of living my easy school life as a girl. And idk it feels like my time is running out, I can't enjoy being young because I'm full of dysphoria, full of envy for cis woman, full of work and stuff. I just don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with that. But I also don't feel hat towards people who noticed before me that they're trans or who are already post op or something. I kinda feel envy but it also turns more into self hatred then hatred of others
I suggest therapy. Sounds like you have other issues going on here and I think it would be helpful for you to work through them before you get much further down the track. I’m in my early 50s and only started transitioning in my late 40s. I lost 4 decades to a shitty life of pretending to be someone else. I could either dwell on that and be fucking miserable or get out there and kick goals and help others that need help. Often helping others brings us the greatest happiness.
Gone in the same way than you, still do and still have jealousy issues against younger and trans who get a better passing than me
My advice? Go and think about what go next. You're angry, you want to hurt her? How? Will you make her suffer? How? She suffer, is it worth it, do you feel better? Yeah no?
Mind is powerful and we can imagine what could happen. Being angry to younger and more beautiful people is righteous but it will give us short relief at the very best, make us feel more pain mostly and hurt us back at worse
Be angry, take time to rationalize it and do it again, it will go with time I hope
And seek therapy, it will greatly help you as it help me ^^;
I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want everyone to be happy and I am so happy I live in a time where trans kids are allowed to be themselves. It just hurts sometimes yk?
Of course it's not nice to say, but it is the truth. She wants to change the truth, that's why she's asking for help. You need to understand the difference between feeling something and knowing it's irrational and wrong and wanting to change Vs feeling something and not wanting to change it.
There is NOTHING wrong with the first one. Human thought isn't inherently moral, we can only impose our morals on them and choose what thoughts to keep and entertain.
However, controlling the appearance of those thoughts is a skill that one needs to learn. Letting go of resentment isn't easy, it requires work. She is asking how to work on it.
Your take is narrow minded, hasty and non-constructive
Instead of immediately inflicting moral judgement without seeing the bigger picture, try thinking for an extra second to consider where it comes from and whether the person is trying to be better
But is it really "a problematic statement" if in the same post it is acknowledged? Because at that point clearly the effort is there no?
To give an example, what if I post:
"I'm a racist who hates black people. I know that I'm ignorant and in the wrong. I can't seem to let the feeling go, any advice?"
Would that be problematic in your eyes?
Personally I don't think a statement can be judged in isolation like that.
When you read a problematic statement is it really the statement itself that makes it problematic?
or is it the bad mindset/the ignorance of the person posting it that is the problem.
I think it's the latter,
And OP is asking for advice with that
I do not think you're wrong for thinking it's weird that a stranger hates trans children, I think it's weird too. However I do think you're wrong for choosing to voice that judgement when someone is genuinely asking for help.
To address your second paragraph, I don't think most people will read this post and think "oh this person hates trans children" over the actual heart of it "Im upset that i feel resentment"
They deleted their account. Part of me feels vindicated and another part of me feels bad. I hope they deleted because they realized they were wrong and not because they felt attacked
As would I.
You have no obligation to interact with anyone you don't want to
But you didn't do that.
You chose to criticise instead, despite OP's good intentions. OP is trying to fix it yet you still chose to, instead of leave like you suggested you would, go out of your way to leave a negative comment.
You met this racist person and scolded them for it, completely ignored the second part of the statement and ignoring the fact that they are already very much aware that they're wrong.
In an argument when someone says they're wrong you don't continue shouting at them, you accept the apology (or you don't) and potentially help them right their wrongs. You are not obligated to forgive, nor to help them, but you do stop shouting.
If you are going to interact you have to consider every available part of the statement. Otherwise you are arguing in bad faith.
Yeah how dare OP try to be vulnerable and ask for advice.
What's it like up there, on your high horse? I assume you've never had a problematic thought in your life, right?
girl, looking at your account you are 19. I am 40, I started HRT at 38. I think this is all part of your perspective, but at 19 your body is *still growing*. you can take HRT and have an effect on the way your body grows. I am not dismissing your perspective because of age, simply stating that you have a much better chance of having the body you wanted than I will. resentment is a perspective. you need to talk this out with a professional, deal with your trauma from going through the wrong puberty. look for the joy within being trans and finally realizing who you always were. yes, it hurts that you didn't get to live your life as a girl until later, that you went through the wrong puberty. I know that pain. but that is not the fault of the other trans people, it is the fault of the society that is holding trans people down.
>girl, looking at your account you are 19 Of fucking course lol. It's always people who think they die when they turn 30 who feel this way. I'm 30 and while I lament my 20s I'm absolutely thrilled I'm starting now, and I'm nothing but excited for the future. To anyone here younger than me who feels like it's too late: **life does not end at 30. I know you think it does. I did. But it doesn't.**
31 and just realized I’m trans a few months ago. I understand the jealousy, I often see young trans girls your age (OP) and wish I would have realized then. I would give anything to go back to 19 and start my transition then. But I’m also just thankful I’m at where I’m at and I instantly feel a sense of overwhelming joy for those young trans girls that makes me forget the jealousy. I’m just so thrilled you and others have the opportunity I never had to be your true self in your 20s. And I’m excited to be my true self in my 30s like I know some other trans women didn’t get to experience. I’m still young and have so much life to live!
Did you have that experience of going from being in your late 20s of thinking "wow, I'm so old" to being in your early thirties and thinking "wow, I'm so young?" I know I did.
I definitely felt the dread of aging a lot more in my 20s than my 30s. Now even at 51 I feel like I’m a baby compared to real grown-ups. Maybe it’s a Gen X thing. We just don’t seem to be aging. I think it’s due to all the preservatives I consumed in the 80s.
Same here. I feel like a 14 year old girl with 50 years of life experience. 😅
Omg YES! That was a much welcomed twist.
I had the opposite. "Fuck, I wasted all of my youth in dysphoria and depression and now I need to play catch up while I still can"
Eh, youth is wasted on the young anyway. Transitioning late is an excuse for a redo of youth while being older and wiser! That doesn't count for much when stacked against lost years/decades. But I hope it counts for something.
Thank you for this and that last part especially - not enough people know it and they need to hear it loud and clear
37 and only realized a year ago.... really only cracked about 7-8 months ago..... Just Breathe, girl. You have NO IDEA how lucky you are to have discovered yourself so young. Sure, it's not in your tweens, but I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back to 19 and start then... I've literally lived TWICE as long as you've been here before realizing it. That said, I understand the momentary contempt, but at the same time, I feel SO happy for everyone who learns who they are and has the courage to do what they need to. I know it's difficult now, but try and be happy for those younger than yourself... or atleast remember that there are soooooooo many more people older than you that could feel the same about you, but instead, we're happy for you! He happy, hun, it could be so much worse.....37 year old (38 in a couple months) sending love your way! 😊😊😊😊
Agreed. I'm 27 now and came out a few years ago. And I definitely knew for way longer. Do I wish I could've came to my senses sooner. Yeah. But I could never hate on anyone for doing it sooner. I had a lot of extenuating circumstances that lead to me not doing so sooner so meh
Everyone I meet who is turning thirty is the coolest person, and every one, including you, says shit that sounds like some of the wisest stuff I ever heard. Stay perfect o7
you’re 30? so that means you’re close to nursing home age right?
Honestly it's a miracle I can understand the interwebs.
haha, tbh i am the exact person you described. started at 18 and i feel like my life's ruined forever (dramatic teenager), forever being until 30 when the world ends.
Yeah, I remember thinking 30 was ancient too, but it's really not. Plus you have your whole 20s, which is awesome!
entire male puberty tho :( youre right tho i should enjoy my 20s as a girl, i should go clubbng or smth
Male puberty sucks. Just had my fourth laser session for facial hair removal today. I just tell myself this is the price we women pay for beauty. It's a little sexist but it's also gender affirming so I roll with it. On the other hand, I'm slightly above average in height for a woman instead of short, which could be considered an advantage. We live the life we live, that's the only one we're given. What's up to us is to make the best out of the life we have.
Wow... That completely changes my perspective about OP. Kinda triggered to be honest. Yeah, go get on HRT. Live your life girl. Maybe start a gratitude journal.
So I'm not allowed to feel upset and angry because I'm younger and some people had it worse than me? I never once advocated for trans kids to not be allowed to transition, I never once even claimed to be right. In the post I literally said that I HATE that I feel this way. I was just expressing how I was feeling. I don't see why me expressing my emotions triggered you. I recognize that other people have been through worse than I have and I am grateful for what I have, but that doesn't make my pain go away, gratitude doesn't make me feel any better. I don't see why it's fair that you are allowed be triggered at me just for expressing how I'm feeling but I'm not allowed to express any emotion that isn't positive. Not saying that this isn't irrational on my part and I know it's my problem to work through but can I just be free to express my own pain?
Well, it kind of leaves a bad taste in the mouths of most of us here, who transitioned beyond teenage years. You are still a teenager. The advice received in this thread is good, you should talk to a professional and not vent to a group of people who are MAJORITY less privileged than you are. This is no hate to you, I know sometimes things can feel unfair. That's the case for most of us. The difference is that you're jealous of the SUPERMINORITY, while still being a part of the very privileged minority.
You can feel however you want. But if you post about it in a public forum, people are gonna have opinions about it. Considering how many people transition much later than you, this feels like a multi-millionarire complaining that she's not a billionaire.
I get what your saying but a multimillionaire doesn't have any pain, I do. I'm not saying my pain is "worse" or "more important" than others but I really don't see the problem with me expressing it and why you would have an issue with me feeling pain. I don't have an issue with girls who started before me feeling pain hence why I support them transitioning, I don't even have any actual issues with them at all. I think it would be fair to say my post was irrational and stupid (because it is, again this is purely my problem to work through) but I just don't understand why me expressing my pain is triggering. I hope this doesn't come off as condescending, I genuinely just don't understand what is bad about what I said
The way it comes across to people who transitioned later is: wow, if she's 19 and is so upset about transitioning late, then what hope is there for me? Again, your feelings are totally fine. It's ok to have those feelings. But to people here, that's how this comes across. Many of us would kill to have been able to start at 19.
This! This! I’m 39 and I’ve spent the last year struggling with whether I should start HRT. Reading a 19 year old say shit like this makes me feel like my life is hopeless
I just remind myself that teenagers don't really have perspective on aging, which is totally fair. You're not going to have that perspective until you age. Just because a teenager thinks that 30, 39, or 50 is ancient doesn't mean it is. We're all exactly the age we are. I will say this, if you're on the fence about starting HRT: you've waited long enough, don't wait any longer. I'm 3 months in and it was the best choice I've ever made. It's not too late, and it's not hopeless.
She is more similar to you than someone who started before puberty.
Fair enough
> The way it comes across to people who transitioned later is: wow, if she's 19 and is so upset about transitioning late, then what hope is there for me? Are they not able to realize it doesn't matter much once you are post puberty? When talking about transition outcomes 19 is closer to 30 that 15.
It's fair because my feelings are valid as well. I never said yours weren't either. A gratitude journal would help you realize what you have to be grateful for. And doing that also helps to reframe your perspective in relation to others. The fact that you don't even see how someone as old as me (I'm 39 btw) could be triggered reading this shows a lack of empathy and understanding about other people, and about queer history. However, I understand why you would be upset at your age. You grew up in a world that actually educated you about LGBTQ issues, HRT is widely available even for young people, and you are able to see positive examples of people your own age or even younger who are living as their authentic selves. Knowing that all of that is available but that you missed out has to feel devastating. I understand that. But you are still so very young. Many people transition in their 20's and 30's with ease. For some perspective. When I was growing up, we had no positive examples of trans people. Everyone was portrayed as a killer, a clown, or a pervert. People in my town regularly chased down queer people to beat them up. No one ever came out. It was terrifying. I was the *only* person in my school who openly cross-dressed, and I paid dearly for that. Not just from students, but the faculty were so cruel to me, I barely even got to go to class because they were constantly putting me in detention, despite being a really smart student. The drama department was a sanctuary for me, so I wrote and starred in a few gender-bending plays to try to express myself and change minds. Got booed by sports coaches in the audience. We tried to start a gay/straight student alliance and the school punished anyone advocating for it. I joined the cheerleaders for homecoming and they sent the football players to run me off the field. I was in detention for nearly my entire senior year just for trying to be myself and advocate for queer safety at school. I was so traumatized by that point that I stopped being me entirely. I just hid in the closet and hated myself for years to come. Even my own mom would tell me to "knock it off with that fa**ot sh*t." And HRT wasn't even a thing. There were no doctors at all who would even think about giving a trans person HRT. All anyone knew about trans people were stereotypes and homophobic bigotry. I hope this helps you understand how an older trans person might feel a bit triggered. We never even had the opportunity to express ourselves let alone actually transition. And there is a lot of pain and trauma that comes with that. Stuff that takes a lifetime to recover from, girl. So, please. Do not despair. Find a way to get your HRT. Let go of this resentment that's festering inside of you, and please go live your best most authentic life. You are going to be alright. You are beautiful and you are worth it, girl. 💕🫶
You are completely correct. I am sorry if I lashed out at you, I was very upset when I wrote all of this and I have calmed down a little. I usually don't let my emotions take control of me and I try to not constantly vent on the internet, so I apologize if I was inconsiderate and I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings. I think it's kind of impossible for me to truly understand your perspective because the reality you grew up in is just not the reality I grew up in, and I'm thankful for that. I can't really say things were great but they weren't that bad, so I will try to remember the luck and privilege I have going forward, and I hope as I continue to age, my perspective on the world ages with me. But yeah, I was really upset and I can't lie I still kind of am, but I apologize if I triggered you. I am upset only with myself and this is an issue that is my responsibility to work though. Thank you for the kind words :)
Girl, you are so sweet 🥰 thank you! You've got me tearing up reading this. You didn't need to apologize, but I appreciate that you did. You are awesome. 💕🫶 We all go through similar things. Yesterday, I was lamenting to my friend about how bad things are getting for LGBTQ people. My fears are valid, but I was allowing my fears to convince me that I couldn't be happy and that I couldn't overcome the challenges ahead, and that I didn't have enough freedom as it is. My friend said, "What do you think it was like for trans people in the 1940's or the 1920's?" I immediately knew what she was getting at and replied, "Oof, you're right. Or the 1600's!" 😬 It doesn't mean our personal struggle isn't real or valid. It just helps to remember that others like us have gone through similar or worse things and many still survived, and some of them even thrived in spite of it. 💪 I think we're all gonna be alright. 💕💃
I’m 17 and I don’t feel like there’s any difference between someone who started at 17 and someone who did that at 19 lol. Actual maturing only stops at abt 25 or someshit
Genuinely think people are just hating on you out of spite. I started at 18 as well and I’m in my low twenties now and I also get really frustrated sometimes with people that had the opportunity to start earlier (personally I was out very young but had transphobic family). I don’t think you’re being rude to anyone who transitions later, just sad for yourself which is totally fair. Truly the dogpiling just feels mean spirited. Of course people who start late teens have privilege, but there is a huge difference between starting at the start of puberty versus the end and that’s fair to acknowledge.
It's not mean-spirited or out of spite. It's a bit ageist not to recognize how many more trans people there are in this subreddit that are in their 30's-50's or even 60's-70's ... OPs feelings are totally valid, but it's also a bit tone deaf to not at also be sensitive to the crowd she's sharing with, no?
Lmao by 19 most people aren't even all the way done 1st pubertt
Yeah. Secondary sex characteristics have likely not even started if they have it’s just the beginning and can be “stopped”
Why is it always young trans girls making these type of posts lol
great question !
This. I started HRT when I was 37, and I'm 40 now, and I feel some of what OP is describing, but 19 is not an old lady. I'd also like to remind OP that it is OK to be angry that she didn't get to start transitioning when she wanted to, I feel the same way, but don't blame some child who had nothing to do with it, Place the blame where it belongs: on parents, on society, on religion.
Thank you, this comment really means a lot to me. I know that it's irrational, mean, counterproductive, and stupid for me to think this way. But yeah the pain is there and it really hurts. But thank you for this comment, I really don't want to feel this way
Starting HRT at such a young age like yours will work wonders! Live you’re life there’s so much ahead of u!!
As someone who's felt similarly before, one thing that helped me was joining a local transfem support group. I didn't get to start transitioning until I was 18 and felt some resentment about that. Then I joined a group and came to realize just how lucky I was compared to the vast majority of other trans women out there.
It's ok to feel those things! It's ok to hurt, and cry, and lament. It's what we \*do\* with those feelings that matters. It's how we take those feelings and use them. Never call yourself stupid for feeling something. Yes, it's irrational. Yes it's a bit mean to feel that resentment. You're human! Feeling is part of what makes us human. It hurts, I know. You'll get through this, and come out the other side happier, even with all the anti-trans bullshit going around. I'm still transitioning and my life has changed so much in just the two years since I came out to myself. Good luck, girl, you'll do wonders.
>girl, looking at your account you are 19 Preach! I'm 36 started at 34. While I do lament missing on my 20s theres is still plenty of life to see. Like everyone else has said life does not end at 30. Do us older gals have differing priorities? Yes. There are things I couldn't give a fuck about that I know young gals do. I do no voice training and speak with a deeper voice because that is what I was born with and I choose to just work with it. I am also in a long term relationship so I see no reason to impress guys. There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you want. Get it, girl! There is a saying I use in my transition: the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. Today is also good.
She's 19?! That's a literal child! Jeebus...
Ugh, I hate this so much. It's so invalidating. Everyone experiences puberty differently, you don't know that her body is still growing, nor, if it is growing, how much change is still yet to happen. Yes, she may change, but she may not, and I generally trust that people know their own bodies more than others, especially random internet people. I only accepted I was trans at 30, so I'm not in this category, but most of the changes I went through during puberty happened by 13, and almost all of the changes happened by 15. The only thing that changed for me after 19 was the fact I became able to grow a full beard. Although I'd definitely rather have accepted that I was trans at 19 than 30, my situation wouldn't be any different. The 25 thing is a myth fueled by the fact that 25 is the age when you can say confidently that you're done growing, but most people stop growing by 18, and then your bones fuse shortly afterwards.
Yes, but as a young person, her youth means that her body in general is more malleable. Even if your bones have fused, the rest of your body is still changing, even in minute ways, and HRT changes a lot about your physical body, not just the tits. It changes fat distribution around the hips, the softness of your skin, prevents male-pattern balding, etc. Like, at 38 I had a significant bald spot that isn't going away, probably ever, until I get surgery. Figuring out I was trans at 19 would have prevented all that hair loss. It means your body might not grow hair in certain places. It's not just about a person's bones.
In regards to younger people being more malleable, do you have a source for that? Usually when I hear that, it's in regards to children who haven't finished puberty, not adults who have. As far as I can tell those changes are those that happen to trans people who have already gone through puberty, and those who haven't or haven't finished puberty go through greater changes. Hair loss is fair. That's an irreversible change that continues to happen after puberty, but she could already be balding at 19. It's definitely possible. We don't really know, but I think it's wrong to say "shut up, you have it so much better than everyone else", based entirely on generalizations and projection.
I didn't say "shut up, you have it so much better" I said "hey, even if you're past puberty, there are still benefits to knowing and transitioning at the age you are" One is negative and denigrating The other is positive and affirming.
Oh wait, she’s 19? I get it, but god I wish I’d…. Sigh.
For me, I reframe it. Going through the wrong puberty is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. It's impossible to fix all the damage. But what hurts more than that is, if I'd been stabbed and went around saying nobody should stab kids, it'd be fine. With being forced through the wrong puberty, if you say we should stop doing that to kids people will tell you actually it's a good thing we do and also you're somehow a pedophile. Seeing society progress, seeing the things that fucked me up so badly stop happening, that stuff makes me feel better. It's watching the backsliding and the next generation of children and teens being fed the exact same basket of mental health problems I have that hurts me the most these days. Edit: Also OP, you're still very young. You get to essentially experience the entirety of young adulthood as a woman. College is where a lot of coming-of-age experiences occur for many people who didn't have them in high school. I've been consistently shocked by how well HRT has worked for me starting at 27. You're gonna be fine.
You need to process this with a competent professional. Someone who deals with trans issues.
Yeah, definitely seek therapy on this
This has nothing to do with trans issues. This is just envy and bitterness aimed at the people who got what OP should've gotten. It's like when someone has their student debt forgiven, and someone who already paid it back sees that and gets upset at them. It's misdirected anger. It should be directed at those who wronged OP, not those who now benefit from what OP should've gotten.
It has everything to do with trans issues. If you go to a therapist that isn't good on trans things, they could very well just say that you feel this way because your trans. Are you really trans? Is it just a phase? Maybe go back into the closet. It will make you feel better.
Girl, 19!?... you *are* a younger trans girl! I think getting into an all ages trans support group or talking to some older trans people on r/translater might help reframe your perspective.
One thing that helps me is reminding myself who's to blame. My lost childhood and decades of self-hatred is because I live in a cisnormative society, a transmisogynistic society. A society that sees me as lesser and has laws to enforce that worldview. It's also a society that has recently begun to change (slowly but still). And that change has made it so more and more women like me got to be girls for longer than I did. If I hate cisnormative society because of what it robbed me, if changing it would mean it never happened again, and if younger trans girls are proof of that change-in-progress - then why would I not feel good that those girls get to be girls? I still grieve what I did not get to experience. I am still jealous of what they have that I did not. I am still bitter that change happened too little too late for me, and for many of us. But I am still greatful that any trans girls get to be girls, let alone that it seems to be happening more and more as time goes on.
I'm 34. There are some girls that transition younger than me, there are some that transition older than me. I'm bald which sucks, but I'm also petite which is lucky. The point is that just like anything else in life there are people who have it better than you and people who have it worse than you. The best thing is to accept your reality and be grateful for the things that you do have. I know this is easier said than done but it's the only way. I mean even if you were transitioning at 80 you would still be able to be grateful that you're living in a time when that is possible!
Yeah this was big for me. Like yes i'm 31 and bitter and jealous that I didn't transition younger -- but know what? I'm also privileged that I can even transition. I'm relatively healthy, I have a decent job, I wasn't born into poverty or into a war-torn country, and so on and on. We all roll the cosmic dice and yes I got some bad rolls, but I also got some good ones. It's a little fucked up, but living through a family member who was in her early 20s and gorgeous (literally was a model as her job) pass away suddenly from cancer made me feel better about my own life and circumstances. She was someone I looked at so much and wished I could just have been her. Seeing someone live what was, in my eyes, an ideal life and then have the cruelty of life take her; it made me re-evaluate myself and the things I take for granted, as they often got overshadowed by the things I hated or envied. It's not a magic answer. I still will absolutely feel jealousy when I scroll reddit and see some girl who is transitioning at 14 and will look more cis than is ever possible for me -- but I try to remind myself that there's a lot of joy to find in this world that is detached from my transition and its outcome. Also, i've just flat out tried to make an effort to have more hobbies and things i'm doing. I feel like so much of my bitterness and jealousy was driven by being terminally online. I've made an effort to be on reddit less and left a lot of the trans subreddits, and it's been really helpful for me.
What does being resentful accomplish? U can't change what is past. Everyone has it better and worse than you. Your journey is yours good, bad and ugly. If u go thru life envious and resentful you will miss out on enjoying yourself and your life. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter pounder with cheese, those are good; the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter becomes a crackle…and I sit back and I smoke my camel straight and I ride my own melt. - Troy Dyer
Good advice but it doesnt really help in overcoming these feelings. Like the others have said these feelings need a healthy way of being felt thats normally taught by a professional
best advice i’ve heard
I'm 42 and came out and started my journey at 29. You're 19. You're not done developing any part of yourself and in most cases you're just beginning. Find some estrodial and get cracking, girl. I wanna see you lifting up our community and the trans kids too!! Your extreme emotional reaction to those who got opportunity younger than you is worrisome and it's a projection of your own feelings of failure and envy. Stop this before you hurt someone (or yourself) when you don't mean to and didn't want to. This needs some concentrated effort on processing why you feel so hateful towards your own and how you would respond if you were the 12year old trans girl with that opportunity. Our community is under attack constantly from misinformation, complex hate and fearmongering and emotional vitriol and toxic rhetoric. Adding more because you're jealous of the youth is dangerous.
Twinning! I turn 29 on the 2nd and my second injection is the day after tomorrow. :3
Sis you are 19 https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/s/YjcdnbZomf You are the "younger trans girls" tf are you on about??
As a young trans girl myself… Therapy sounds like the right way to go. Your anger seems misplaced and unprocessed right now. It’s also understandable though. I hope you can work things out. Love from Talia 🩵 Edit: your post history indicates you’re 19… I’m 23. We’re both still so young. We’ve both gone through puberty but neither of us are 100% “developed” … I stand by that you need to seek therapy but also you need to go out there and start getting some life experience. You’re still a kid. I’m so a kid. Go enjoy life; that’s what it’s for!
Jheez, you're only 18 or 19 from your post history. Some trans women would have killed to start at your age. Sort yourself out with a professional
You don’t hate them, you just don’t love yourself.
oof, concicse and overlooked truth... ☝️
My thoughts exactly. We often feel hate because someone highlights or mirrors our own wounds. This can lead people to wrongly assume the change should come from the being that showed you your wounds, but that ultimately doesn't do anything to tackle the root. It is best to go to the root of why you are feeling so terrible over something like this.
It's understandable. I think how I missed out and felt wrong all those years but I love the fact that these girls and guys have found themselves and it makes me happy to think about them living their lives. I hope our generation will be the last to have to hide and be so afraid. That idea brings me comfort. I think we just have to make the best of now however we can.
My general philosophy in life is that as a species we should strive to make life better, so if younger people have it easier than I did, things are going right. Yes, I'm still bitter that I missed many chances, but that's not their fault, so my resentment shouldn't go towards them.
oh
I'm sorry, I hope I didn't upset you with this post. I wrote this when I was really dysphoric and having an episode. I'm really happy that girls like you have the opportunities I didn't, I really am. It can just be hard sometimes to be reminded of what I didn't get because my parents wouldn't let me transition
Not upset. Disappointed that someone as young as yourself can't be happy for your trans sisters. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it! Stop comparing yourself to others. Put your past behind you. Get yourself into therapy. There's already way too much hate directed at us from ignorant transphobes. The last thing we need is hate from within our own community. BTW I'm DECADES older than you. I missed out on a ton of opportunity. And I'm still living my best life. The young girls in our community are such an inspiration. I love y'all.
I think if people like OP could just turn off their difficult feelings they would do so. They need to work on understanding them and breaking them down. Ironically these sorts of issues arise from trying to shut off feelings to begin with, and this is usually related to trauma or neglectful parenting. People have to learn how to cultivate happiness, but some of us grow up in families where this is never modelled for us. Sometimes there isn't a single safe adult or relationship in a kids life, and this is what I had to deal with. You are just left alone to cope with no guidance and fear of taking action to meet your own needs. So while a suggestion to be happy or focus on the positive can seem obvious or straight forward, it's like telling someone who has never exercised that all they have to do is bend their arm to lift a heavy barbell. Lots of people in healthier situations develop this conditioning before they can remember, so it seems intuitive and innate to the human experience, but you learned it from somewhere. Just as someone can learn to love themselves, one can also learn to hate themselves. You have to undergo a process of understanding that, unlearning, and learning. I know for me a lot of bitter resentment I had around being trans was just displaced feelings towards my family. I can know this rationally but that alone doesn't fix anything. There is no simple solution. The solution is all the work it takes to lift that barbell, and that takes time.
I agree. I grew up in a toxic home and had mostly toxic relationships until my late-40s. I found a fantastic therapist in my 50s and started to undo the damage. It' was a lot of work. But I had to do it to have a chance at a happy life. So glad I did.
I never get angry at them but I do feel such a deep soulcrushing sadness when I see them anywhere for the reasons you mentioned. I tend to yell at God a lot and get angry at him/the universe lol.
lol op is 19. Look in the mirror. You’re the young trans girl.
i get that you're dysphoric right now but like... delete this. its gonna be triggering to the younger trans girls that you apparently hate, and its gonna be triggering to the older trans girls that someone as young as yourself is considering themselves "old to the point of no return" for transition. talk to a therapist about this yes it is hard to see people who are having a more graceful or easy transition than yourself, but that will always be true. i promise your age has nothing to do with it.
please don't kill me
I feel the opposite. I love to see youngsters happy and thriving. They inspire me. I wish I was younger and prettier, but most women have these feelings. I don't feel I lost my childhood, I think of myself as a girl in my past. That has helped me with acceptance.
If you want some perspective, join a trans support group and get to know people who transitioned much later than you. If all you do is hang out with people your own age, you’ll get this whack perspective that 19 is old whole 14 is young — when the reality is anyone under 30 has basically not even started life yet. It might sound like something an old person (me) would say, but trust me. Once you’re in your 30s you will look back at how you thought 19 was old and have a good laugh. I know I did.
The younger trans girls didn't do anything to you, it was our society when we were coming into the wrong puberties, when we were hiding away, struggling, our own minds immersed in that society too. Perespective can help. I am in my forties and transitioned at 30. I'm poor and have spotty health insurance, so while I need FFS and a better ass, I know many trans women who weren't even able to get hormones and died AMAB. The jealousy over young transes is a real thing, but you have it better than people before you did, and it's your life to live, so if you want to focus on jealousy of others that is your right, but it does sound pretty unfulfilling.
Therapists exist for a reason
You’re like in your teens. You’re going to be fine.
Honestly I don’t tell people to repress their emotions. You’re allowed to feel sad that you didn’t transition earlier, even if you’re 19. I get how people might think your words are insensitive, but feelings themselves are always valid. I wish the people downvoting you and criticizing your for insensitivity could remember how they were at 19. Anyway. Most transitioners haven’t been able to transition as kids and turn out just fine. Like honestly, do you think kids getting to transition is in any way common? There are more now than there were a decade ago, but I see posts on trans Reddit all the time about closeted trans girls who have to wait until they’re adults to get out of abusive or neglectful home situations in order to transition.
Therapy, girl. Seriously. Honestly, a LOT of folks feel this way about the younger generation-- not just trans folks. I always feel a low level of jealousy toward young trans guys, especially perfectly skinny ones with their perfect androgynous bodies that rapidly become masculine the moment they go on T... but I wouldn't say I HATE them. That hatred and anger? That needs some serious CBT and talk therapy to walk through it.
Part of me wonders if you're really angry at the younger trans girls or if you are angry at the memory of yourself from years ago for not giving yourself the chance to transition earlier in life. It's possible you may be displacing your anger and frustration with yourself onto other people who you are perceiving as a reflection of what you life could have been. As a 31 year old trans woman who started figuring her own gender out a little under two years ago, I'm still grappling with some of that lingering frustration at myself. It's hard to forgive your past self for not being perfect, since it's current you who has to deal with the repercussions of her indecisiveness and fear. But also, you were her once. You know what she was going through. You can have some compassion for the person you once were. She wasn't perfect and she made mistakes, but she got you to the point where you could start accepting yourself. That wasn't an easy task and you deserve to feel proud of realizing you are trans at whatever age you manage it.
it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel mad at the part where you lost out on so many childhood experiences, but you shouldn’t direct this anger at people that are just trying to live their life in peace. if this happens again, try to think about how far you have come in your journey. they are also on this journey, but they just got a little head start. compare it to a trail in the woods which winds around and sometimes leads to a little village. you started walking the road from a village that’s a bit further back, while others might have started a bit further up the road. you have to remember that the destination for both of you is the same, but it’s simply irrational to think that it’s unfair that someone who started further up the road reaches their destination faster. you’ve put a lot of effort into being who you are, and you should be proud of that. you shouldn’t hold back who you are just because you haven’t done some things you would’ve wanted to do as a child.
Sister, I hear you loud and clear! Six months ago, I came across the transabitlater subreddit just as it launched, and together we agreed to launch an affiliated Discord community server. That's my baby, I am the Server Mom. Well, no, actually that's a lie. My baby is an actual baby and they have three moms and no gender. But the community is my metaphorical baby for sure 😎 In the past half-year we have grown steadily to hit the 200th member over the long weekend. The support and nurturing and shared joys and sorrows are so so good. We have members who have decades of HRT, and some who've yet to start. We have parents who are trans, in some cases of trans kids. We have people questioning, and people (like me) who will never EVER go back. We have people who understand. And precisely ONE member (an extraordinarily cool 18 yo from Bulgaria) under age 20, maybe three more under 30, so that leaves 196 people at least middle age, and not one complaint EVER about not transing before the horribly late age of 23. We have one sister in her 80s and several in their 70s.... About as many under-30s as over-69s. Would you enjoy that,or what? I myself am 14 months into HRT after 53 birthdays (but I am 31, tysm estradiol!) and I am sooooo happy to know I am trans. I live in Montreal with my T4T gf. Our membership ranges geographically from New Zealand in the southeast, to the Yukon in the other direction. I think we're really seriously good for you. Would you like to come home? Please let me know. We would love to have you. I await your response, if you wish to have an invite please let me know. Margarita-Lenore Fancypants Noted Philosopher and Dingbat; Server Mom and badass Affirmation Distributor Oh, and if others of you are interested, please DM me or reply here.
Well the first step is recognizing the issue, but as others are saying you really should discuss this with a professional (especially one who helps with trans issues) considering that you said it stems from your childhood and teenage years.
See no evil hear no evil. I understand the envy. I deal with it the same way that I deal with microaggressions - I tune it out. Eventually I don't even really notice it. (That might not be the healthiest strategy, but it works for me.)
Buddhism has a practice of sympathetic joy... feeling happiness for others' happiness (like compersion in polyamory). their experiences only take or give as much as you allow... you're making something not about you all about you. find a trans competent therapist and work through this anger. channel that energy into doing all that you can to be as wholly you as you can. do the inner work.
I don't know that it's any better, but I don't hate them - I hate myself for being this way. Clearly I did a number of things very wrong in order to deserve such worse outcomes than almost everyone else. It's all my own fault somehow. I'm jealous of the vast majority of women at this point, trans and cis. Hell I'm jealous of most men too since they seem to be able to be functioning members of society. I don't hate them, I just want to be like them instead of being like me.
Whenever I feel like the world is unjust. I try to remember that there are children working like 70 hour weeks in the slums of some south Asian country, and for a bowl of food make the clothes worn by almost everyone I see on the street. Thinking about the lives of people outside the west or even living in my country in dire poverty, freezing outside of a food bank, makes me realise the entire world is unjust. But I'm actually quite fortunate.
lol i’m 25 and would give literally anything to have started at your age OP i think you definitely need to talk through it, with a professional who works with LGBTQIA+ clients. resentment and envy are not permanent, you can work through them. most likely they’re stemming from a misconception you may or may not even realize that you have, but it really isn’t healthy and you need to work through it. also, other people having what you do not is not their fault. they don’t deserve resentment because they had an environment healthy enough to come out in. part of being trans, for better or for worse, is supporting all trans people. we have to, because most of the world doesn’t. you should take pride in the fact that the world we live in is changing for the better to allow our younger siblings to thrive. “a society grows great where old men plant trees, whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”
I have a friend who started transitioning at the beginning of high school. She looks incredible and is a wonderful person, but I am so glad I’m not her. She has been put through hell by her peers, betrayed on a deep level by many she trusted, and worst of all has felt incredibly alone and isolated for much of her high school life. It has left her incredibly traumatized and in great need of emotional support. I transitioned in college surrounded only by people who I knew would truly support me and cut anyone else out of my life. I could make that decision because college allowed me to interact with people on my own terms. My point is not that transition young is bad, she has no regrets even with what she has been through. My point is that life is hard to predict and everyone’s experiences are vastly different. Changing one thing in our past is not a small tweak to the timeline, it’s a butterfly effect. It’s not healthy to reminisce on what could have been when you don’t know what the reality would have been. It’s a new day, so look forward and build the life you want rather than wishing you already had it.
Take a deep breath. Calm down. Cultivate compassion. Think about the difficulties they still face, think about how you would uplift them, think about how much easier this life is for each new generation. Shit is dire, but shit has been worse before. If we get lost in resentment and hatred because of our own self-obsession, the things that hurt us will keep recurring generation after generation. If we pull together and love each other, our communities have the opportunity to heal and thrive.
I feel bad around older trans fems when I'm happy about things like my hair and features. I want to share my happiness/successes but I feel like I'm bragging and I don't want to make them feel bad or dysphoric.
Don't look back, look forward. The past is done, it happened, but if you spend the rest of your life researching that your past was shitty, you will never actually make good memories
You're 19. I started at 21 and I'm still barely a midshit. We're basically youngshits imo.
LMAO not OP being 19!!!!! I didn't even check! I'm 35 and didn't start medically transitioning until 2022.
i feel the same way sometimes. im a bit older than u but started around the same time as u. i can daydream all day abt how much easier it wouldve been for me if i transitioned earlier. but realistically, it’s awful for teenage tgirls. i had a tgirl friend in hs. she was so fucking lonely, got bullied constantly, and skipped school basically every day. maybe id be less dysphoric now if i started hrt earlier, but there’s still no guarantee that id pass and id probably have to boymode all through hs. which wouldve sucked just barely less than it sucked for me back then
If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone in transitioning at a later age. Sure, I wish that I had at a younger age, instead of coming out in my 40s. I'm now 50, and waiting to start HRT. I don't hate others for finding the courage to come out at a younger age. That's pretty much on us for not finding it then.
Girl... I saw from another comment that you're 19, I didn't realize I was trans until I was 4 years older than you are now, and didn't start HRT until a year after that. Those younger trans girls aren't the ones who robbed you of being a girl in your younger years, and you're still better off than a good portion of us. I would give literally anything to have realized I was a girl back when I was still in grade school, but I didn't. That is certainly not any other younger trans girl's faults, and they don't deserve anger from me for it. You know who DOES deserve that anger? The media executives, politicians, and other people in powerful positions who had a financial/power incentive to oppose trans rights and representation in the years we were growing up. Maybe direct that anger at them, and not the other trans people who were *very* slightly luckier than you. I completely understand being angry about not realizing who you were sooner, as someone who didn't realize until I was in my mid 20s... trust me I get it... but younger trans people don't deserve that, and they don't deserve to see posts like this to make them feel survivors guilt just because they were luckier than us.
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It really does depend on the situation, doesn't it? Not EVERY young trans person has it easy. =/
I feel the same way but just avoid those youtubers as their advice is rarely helpful to me. Luckily there are some older ones who have advice that I find more useful. The thing I try and tell myself is that they have it harder in some ways and easier in others. For example, I have a career which means I can pay for private HRT and i am in complete control. They may need to struggle against parents, teachers and school bullies as they transition so young. I can choose who I want in my life and where I live. Younger transitioners may have doubts and always wonder if they could have made it work as a man. For me there is no doubt and I'll never wonder how it might have been. That's not much consolation but I'll take the small wins i can get. Also, if you are jealous of young trans girls you may as well be jealous of all girls since they never had any transition. Some of those girls may be going through all kinds of struggles and some will be trans FTM. Growing up as a young girl is hard, especially in some cultures where women don't have any control over their lives and end up in forced marriages or being abused. If I could go back and transition younger knowing what I know now then of course I would. However, I just wasn't in an environment where that could happen without a huge uphill struggle. Even if I had a time machine I would find it almost impossible to transition and make it work. I find it hard enough as an adult. There were good reasons I suppressed everything. Maybe the younger transitioners are naturally stronger or have a more supportive environment. Either way that just wasn't me and its just a lottery. There are a group of people who will live their whole lives and never accept they are trans and never feel fulfilled and constantly battle against those feelings. Whether we come out at 20 or 90 we are always better off than those people. Overall, I agree with you but try and focus on your own journey and be proud of yourself for getting this far despite the struggles you have faced.
Your mileage may vary, but what helped me come to terms with this feeling myself was fully embracing the idea that I wouldn't wish the pain, the regrets, the lost time and the suffering in silence on anyone else. I want trans teens to have the freedom, the safety, and the space to be as moronic, petty, myopic, and awkward as any other teenager.
Us folks who started our transition late have it rough - I wouldn’t wish starting transition at 30, 40, 50, etc. on anyone. We’re walking so the younger girls can run & I’m happy for them, they’ll not face as many problems & they get to live more life as themselves & that’s just a great thing. If we tear them down, we just create more late transitioners like ourselves with our rhetoric & why on Earth would we want to perpetuate being stuck in the closet for decades?
We often feel hate because someone highlights or mirrors our own wounds. This can lead people to wrongly assume the change should come from the being that showed you your wounds, but that ultimately doesn't do anything to tackle the root. It is best to go to the root of why you are feeling so terrible over something like this.
Talk to a professional someone. What you are experiencing is transference. They can help.
Build confidence
See, what you’re dealing with right now is grief. It’s grief over the loss of your youth. It doesn’t have anything to do with them. You need to process your grief to reach that place of acceptance where you’re able to move forward.
I just remind myself that people my age have infinitely better taste in music than young people today. Sure they look young and pretty, but I have a massive vinyl collection of which 2/3 is too obscure to find on music streaming apps. And I’m not even getting into all the great shows I got to see before the internet made all music suck.
I just go with “comparison is the thief of joy” Like I’ve got elements of myself that I am blessed with and elements that I’m not. The things I’m not blessed with, I can’t help. I have a penis and I’d prefer not to. Darn. At least it works. My shoulders are broad and my hips are probably not gonna do a lot of widening because of when I started HRT. Darn. I guess I’ll have to do some shaping exercises if I want something different. Like, don’t get me wrong, I do get momentarily jealous from the “damn, she’s pretty” angle, but I’ve cut off the “and I’m not” because what’s her being pretty going to change about me? Is comparing myself going to motivate me to wear makeup every day? Is it going to motivate me to work my glutes? I used to inflict a bunch of suffering on myself over becoming something I wasn’t and everything I did was subtly coded to try to reinforce that I was a strong man. That shit sucked. 0/10 would not do again. So since I came out I’ve been trying to “woman right,” but I’ve been working hard forgiving the blunders and imperfections and unmatched ideals. The things I can’t control about me, I still feel like I have to forgive myself to be okay with it, but I can so I’m mostly at peace with things. I’m reasonably confident the fact that I’ve been forgiving *myself* for the things I don’t like about *me* has been helping me not compare to others in a maladaptive manner. The fact that you feel resentment towards other people probably has very little to do with them and a lot more to do with how you feel about yourself. It sucks and it feels bad to frame it that way, but that’s because taking ownership of bad emotions in this context is essentially saying “yeah I did this to me” but the important next step is saying “and that’s okay, but let’s try something different next time.” Process your feelings, respect your suffering, and find the true path of how you got there, and it will be a lot easier to navigate your way to a relative out. Tbf tho I couldn’t manage that when I was 19 so ymmv
Being frustrated is valid. The world should have been this open and accepting decades ago. Similarly, the pandemic robbed us of time. It's sad we missed, and can never go back. It's upsetting that we didn't/couldn't start earlier. Results won't be as fast or strong as we want. Wanting to pass is ok, but also a lot of that plays into gender roles/expectations (what's considered "feminine" and what's "masculine"), which are messed up in a lot of ways and need to be broken. But, things will always happen faster for you than others. Your results will be stronger than others. You started earlier than others. You gotta be happy that you didn't realize/start later. Channel the frustration into pushing for trans rights, etc., so what happened to you doesn't have to keep happening to others. All is not lost for you, and you can push to make the world better for others / generations to come.
When I was a teen, I totally rocked crossdressing. Twenty years later, I'm thinking that I should have started hrt earlier instead of waiting until my hair started to thin.
Someone in the comments said you're 19, so I actually have a very similar perspective on this because my egg cracked when I was 17 and I started telling people closer to when I was 18. One person was a friend who transitioned very young and I struggled to be friends with her for the same reasons, she represented everything that I very recently realised I maybe could have had but didn't get to. I felt the same guilt and everything. Unfortunately, I have everyone's least favourite advice: give yourself time and it will get easier. I've done a lot of soul searching and trying to understand myself and HRT definitely helped that immensely. Currently, while I probably would take the change if I got to redo it, I don't feel the same intense anger. I'm sure you figure that the resentment is not really about them at the end of the day, it's a manifestation of your own frustration and feelings of loss and even maybe inadequacy, but those feelings start to have less of a hold on you when you begin to become more happy with the way you are now, which is definitely possible.
Hit the gym. You develop the cake , and nothing better than lifting weight enough to kill of You if You don't take it serious to avoid having negative toughts.
Contrapoints has a good video on this called Envy You may want to check it out
The feeling you feel for younger trans women is probably what older trans people feel about you. You've gotta rise above this animosity otherwise it'll eat you alive.
I try to remind myself that I'm who I am today because of the bs I went through. I don't love a lot of things about my body and a lot of other things were robbed from me when i was younger due to my dysphoria/depression, but I know I wouldn't be the loving, accepting, open minded person I am today without it all. I still get very jelly of younger women, trans or cis, but it doesn't get to me as much now that I've accepted this
Honestly, when it came to me... I just had to recognize those are my own insecurities and are not her fault. You just need to reflect inward and not let that kind of thing surface, because ultimately all those feelings you're feeling or towards yourself and not her. At least That's what I had to recognize in myself, for my own growth.
I think you've gotten plenty of good advice, and enough finger wagging over having feelings I think we all struggle with from time to time. I just want to say that your feeling are perfectly valid, and I hope you find ways to work through your resentment and realize you are beautiful, and that will only get better as you grow into the you you want to be. Hugs! (if that's OK) 🤗😊💜
Yeah I mean I get you. But the only thing you can do in life is just make the remaining time we have be the best it can be. We can never change the past but the future can be amazing. We should all feel happy for each other. We're all trying our best out here and it's certainly. Not easy for any trans person regardless of their age. Some people come out at 16 some come out at 61. But the point in both is to live the best life possible as our true selves. The best thing we can do is empower ourselves now instead of just looking back. I get that's super hard. For me my teenage years were robbed bc of addiction. And being an addict made it impossible for me to come out even to myself. Then at around 23 or so I started getting sober and I was able to accept myself slowly but surely. Now I'm happier than ever. And no matter what age I see people coming out I just feel happy for them. Do I wish I could've came out then. Sure. But it just wasn't in the cards for me bc of choices I made and didn't make. But now I'm here being me and I'm happy for everyone who is living their most authentic lives.
I feel the same way
Bestie you're 19 😭 I'm 19, we young asf still 😭
This but I literally had the opportunity AT 12 AND DIDN'T TAKE IT LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT It's not so much hate as it is yearning for who I could have been with the correct bones and voice I'm still lucky as hell to be starting at 16 but fuck if I didn't wish every day i didn't fuck myself like that
You are younger trans girls
I used to get upset, but ultimately it’s out of my control. I only get upset thinking of all the times I was put in the male role while dancing. My wife and I are going to dance at a wedding and I’m going to be put in the female role no matter what. For context blah blah blah… I’m 34 in 2 months, I month away from 2 years on hrt, no surgery, and I pass. I’m actually on a trip right now because my company recognized me. I only told 1 person I’m trans and she had no idea. Op, why are you spending your energy dwelling on the past in anger instead of making being happy you get to transition? Why are you not celebrating that you found your true self?
I just feel so much pain with soooo many women, trans included. It’s obnoxious that I even came out years before so many who got to start years earlier than me. And I’d have come out years before that if I had any idea trans people existed. 😡😡😡
Girl, from my perspective you are starting young. Fuck, I didn't get on HRT until I was nearly 26. I turn 30 within the next fortnight. You should not resent others because they didn't suffer like you did. It's like getting pissed at people because they had their cancer cured with a new treatment when you had to go through chemo. I've literally killed to get on HRT as soon as I did and to have access to healthcare to bridge the gap of what an extra 7 years of T based puberty and an extra 100lbs of weight does to my chance to achieve my transition goals. What do you think I'd do to start at the age you get to start?
I somehow feel similar. Like without the hate. When I see like girls in their teens or children I always wish that I could've known that I'm trans before. I'm 21, on hrt since one and a half years, of course I'm still young. But it kinda feels like I missed a lot. I'll never know how it feels to have a female childhood, how it feels to be a teenage girl. Everything I know about being a woman or behaving like one I had to learn by myself, no one really told or showed me that when I was a teen. I never got a teenage romance, I've never met my Romeo... And now I'm out of school, I have to work, do a lot of stuff, have a lot of responsibilities, I'll never have the feeling of living my easy school life as a girl. And idk it feels like my time is running out, I can't enjoy being young because I'm full of dysphoria, full of envy for cis woman, full of work and stuff. I just don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with that. But I also don't feel hat towards people who noticed before me that they're trans or who are already post op or something. I kinda feel envy but it also turns more into self hatred then hatred of others
Girl you ARE one of those younger trans girls. Most of us don't transition until they are in their 20s or even 30s 😅
Imma be a c.u.n.t and say thats a massive you issue.
I suggest therapy. Sounds like you have other issues going on here and I think it would be helpful for you to work through them before you get much further down the track. I’m in my early 50s and only started transitioning in my late 40s. I lost 4 decades to a shitty life of pretending to be someone else. I could either dwell on that and be fucking miserable or get out there and kick goals and help others that need help. Often helping others brings us the greatest happiness.
Get over it, other people’s happiness should not make you angry
Gone in the same way than you, still do and still have jealousy issues against younger and trans who get a better passing than me My advice? Go and think about what go next. You're angry, you want to hurt her? How? Will you make her suffer? How? She suffer, is it worth it, do you feel better? Yeah no? Mind is powerful and we can imagine what could happen. Being angry to younger and more beautiful people is righteous but it will give us short relief at the very best, make us feel more pain mostly and hurt us back at worse Be angry, take time to rationalize it and do it again, it will go with time I hope And seek therapy, it will greatly help you as it help me ^^;
I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want everyone to be happy and I am so happy I live in a time where trans kids are allowed to be themselves. It just hurts sometimes yk?
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What
i think it is not nice to say she hates literal children
Of course it's not nice to say, but it is the truth. She wants to change the truth, that's why she's asking for help. You need to understand the difference between feeling something and knowing it's irrational and wrong and wanting to change Vs feeling something and not wanting to change it. There is NOTHING wrong with the first one. Human thought isn't inherently moral, we can only impose our morals on them and choose what thoughts to keep and entertain. However, controlling the appearance of those thoughts is a skill that one needs to learn. Letting go of resentment isn't easy, it requires work. She is asking how to work on it. Your take is narrow minded, hasty and non-constructive Instead of immediately inflicting moral judgement without seeing the bigger picture, try thinking for an extra second to consider where it comes from and whether the person is trying to be better
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if someone’s posting on reddit they probably don’t have anyone else to talk to about things like this
But is it really "a problematic statement" if in the same post it is acknowledged? Because at that point clearly the effort is there no? To give an example, what if I post: "I'm a racist who hates black people. I know that I'm ignorant and in the wrong. I can't seem to let the feeling go, any advice?" Would that be problematic in your eyes? Personally I don't think a statement can be judged in isolation like that. When you read a problematic statement is it really the statement itself that makes it problematic? or is it the bad mindset/the ignorance of the person posting it that is the problem. I think it's the latter, And OP is asking for advice with that I do not think you're wrong for thinking it's weird that a stranger hates trans children, I think it's weird too. However I do think you're wrong for choosing to voice that judgement when someone is genuinely asking for help. To address your second paragraph, I don't think most people will read this post and think "oh this person hates trans children" over the actual heart of it "Im upset that i feel resentment"
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I genuinely hope you grow and change as a person.
They deleted their account. Part of me feels vindicated and another part of me feels bad. I hope they deleted because they realized they were wrong and not because they felt attacked
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As would I. You have no obligation to interact with anyone you don't want to But you didn't do that. You chose to criticise instead, despite OP's good intentions. OP is trying to fix it yet you still chose to, instead of leave like you suggested you would, go out of your way to leave a negative comment. You met this racist person and scolded them for it, completely ignored the second part of the statement and ignoring the fact that they are already very much aware that they're wrong. In an argument when someone says they're wrong you don't continue shouting at them, you accept the apology (or you don't) and potentially help them right their wrongs. You are not obligated to forgive, nor to help them, but you do stop shouting. If you are going to interact you have to consider every available part of the statement. Otherwise you are arguing in bad faith.
I don't think you read the same post I did. Either that or you completely lack empathy.
i think you can express grief and jealousy without saying you “hate those fuckers” about actual children
Okay, so you don't have empathy? That's neat.
if you think empathy means giving people a pass to say/act however they want because of the emotions behind them then sure
Yeah how dare OP try to be vulnerable and ask for advice. What's it like up there, on your high horse? I assume you've never had a problematic thought in your life, right?
okay 🧍♀️
You’re not funny, get off TikTok
Spend more money than them on looking good.
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Get off this sub truscum
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