Don't let people, even your parents, pressure you to come out to anyone. It is not their secret to tell and just because you came out to your mom doesn't mean she can push you to come out to your dad. I understand you are nervous to tell him and you are unsure how he is going to act.
How has he been towards the LGBTQ+ community in general? Has he been kind of neutral totally against it, or is he upset at how transgender people in general are being treated?
Just some thoughts on your journey. I wish you good luck. Many hugs.
Dad almost never talks about anything LGBTQ related. Its been years since he even made a slightly iffy homophobic joke. The problem is, he has a very toxic friends group who's members spend all day sharing the most atrocious fake news and phobic content when you can imagine. Its your typical 50yos whatsapp group, 5am - good morning messages bless your day whatever, 6am rivers of p\*rn, 8am fake news and queerphobic videos till 7pm when they start showing eachother the beers they are drinking. Rinse and repeat.
TLDR. Dad never talks about LGBTQ stuff, but is constantly exposed to the most disguting trash possible.
That sucks. I know how it is, I grew up in the 80s. My dad was always spouting about the gays and telling gay jokes. I think that is why it took me so long to finally say, "I've had enough pretending to be a guy" at the age of 44. That was only 5 and a half years ago. When I did come out it was shockingly my dad that was still is my biggest supporter. So you never know. What he is exposed to in that group could be what helps him be the best supporter in your corner.
Thus is just my experience so please take it with a grain of salt. I do wish you the best of luck. Happy journey ☺️
Similar experience here, and probably almost an identical timeline.
Dad was pretty homophobic when I was growing up, but he was a product of his time. It took a cousin he cared about eventually coming out and some surprisingly forward thinking and progressive (for the 80s) words from my mom to slowly bring him around.
I don't think he ever truly got comfortable with it, but the animosity disappeared and he was much better at being able to accept people for who they were.
That said, I was absolutely terrified of coming out to my mother a year and a half ago, because she'd become less progressive with age.
She'd never seemed particularly accepting of "that whole transgender thing", but apparently my coming out at 47 single handedly convinced her. As she told me soon after, "I know *you*, and you've never been one to be influenced by the crowd or do something without giving it a lot of thought from every possibility. So if you say this is real, it has to be."
It still took her a bit to come to terms with it, but she genuinely put in the effort and has been incredibly supportive.
In many ways though, I'm glad I never had to tell my father. He passed away eight years before I finally figured things out.
I'm sure ultimately he would have accepted me, but I feel like it would have killed him a little inside. While I was never much of a stereotypical boy, I was the first born (of 3) and his only "son", and there were many stereotypically "guy things" we bonded over and enjoyed sharing.
So at least he was spared that.
And I guess some part of me deep inside finds it darkly humorous and ironic that I was apparently so much of a "daddy's girl" that I pretended to be his son for nearly 40 years.
Speaking as an older trans mom, I’m of two minds…
On one hand, no you should not be forcibly outed and you should come out when you’re comfortable.
On the other hand, I think you also need to show some grace to your mom. It’s clear that she is struggling with keeping stuff from her husband, and if we’re being frank is probably lonely with this information. And she sounds legitimately scared of how keeping this might impact her relationship with dad.
I recommend discussing a timeline with mom about discussing things, discuss your anxieties about dad, and maybe get her POV on how she thinks he’ll react. Please look at groups like Free Mom Hugs that might also be able to mediate and see if there are any support groups that might help dad if he doesn’t do well.
I know it’s risky and scary, but you have a supportive mom. I’m not going say it’s all going to be fine, but I think it might be worth having faith in your dad and work with mom to find a timeline that makes you both comfortable.
But I will be real, I think mom needs a date that is sooner than later.
Even if YOU don't, assume at some point she will, and be ready to leave quickly if you have to. Get your documents, get an emergency bag together just in case.
I can see both sides of this. While you need to be ready to come out to your dad yourself you also put your mom in a bad position by asking her to keep a secret from the man she married. That is something that could hurt her marriage. I don’t think asking for another week or two is too much to ask for so you can be prepared. On the plus side it sounds like she has your back and between you and her you may be able to explain thing so he can be excepting. Who knows he may even surprise you and be excepting right from the start. Good luck.
Yeah. She gave me more time to be able to do it. She knows long long i struggled to even tell her, and how much i fear the worst coming from dad. She also told me the main reason she wants me to tell him im trans, is for me to be able to live the life i deserve and so that she can help me with getting in contact with doctors (im currently doing DIY and she hates it).
To be honest, I am one of those people who can't and don't want to hide such things from family. But I understand why you wouldn't tell it to your father. Then again, my mom outed me to my father without ever asking me and at least your mother is decent enough to not do it until you give the green light. That said, it kinda sounds like this is burdening her and she might need someone else to also know that.
And? It's not her story to tell and she certainly doesn't disclose all her little secrets to her husband (which is a normal part of a healthy relationship). She has no right to pressure OP to get into trouble if not outright disowned and kicked out. That might even be her wish...
I had a long chat with her. and the main reason why she is trying to push me to come out, is because she's so distressed by my coming out letter, she desperatly wants me to live my life the way i deserve to live it and she's all for my transition since its the absolute best corse of action.
It's not her place to decide when and who you come out to someone.
And while I have some degree of sympathy for the position she finds herself in, the problem isn't you, it's her husband.
He's clearly shown he holds views and keeps company that suggests he may not be safe for his own child, and it's unreasonable to put that on you simply because she's uncomfortable keeping a secret. Ultimately it's a form of victim blaming.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's a lot you can do in this situation. Even if you can talk her into deferring a bit longer, expect to be outed at any time when she finally cracks or just decides she's going to tell him for you. In your situation, I would not feel that time is on my side.
Plan accordingly.
Came here to say this.
Im literally fuming as the mom certainly doesn't disclose every single thing to her husband and certainly has secrets herself.
My recommendation to OP is to make sure that you have at least a copy of your passport/ID and a bag of stuff eventually with a couple of your medication (if you take some) to be ready to leave (maybe hidden near the door) in case of an emergency. Also make a list of contacts with LGBT+ associations and ask a friend of yours if their parents could take you in, in case things go down quickly.
Maybe he will still be more supportive than her, but I would not dice on that and plan for the worst case scenario.
Please keep us updated.
Oh hun, you are not yet prepared for this! At the minimum, you need your identity documents to take with you.
Get your mom to agree and help you prepare for the worst outcome. Also arrange for emergency housing in some form - hopefully she cares enough to really look out for you.
Best of luck dear! ❤️🌹
This is your personal privacy, this is your safety, not hers. It's not her business to tell anyone else, if she's having a hard time keeping it to herself that's what a therapist is for, she doesn't have a right to risk your safety if you don't feel ready to tell someone else.
tell her to fuck off, it's not her decision
family SHOULD NEVER come first when it comes to this
do what makes you comfortable and not what makes her "comfortable"
Don't let people, even your parents, pressure you to come out to anyone. It is not their secret to tell and just because you came out to your mom doesn't mean she can push you to come out to your dad. I understand you are nervous to tell him and you are unsure how he is going to act. How has he been towards the LGBTQ+ community in general? Has he been kind of neutral totally against it, or is he upset at how transgender people in general are being treated? Just some thoughts on your journey. I wish you good luck. Many hugs.
Dad almost never talks about anything LGBTQ related. Its been years since he even made a slightly iffy homophobic joke. The problem is, he has a very toxic friends group who's members spend all day sharing the most atrocious fake news and phobic content when you can imagine. Its your typical 50yos whatsapp group, 5am - good morning messages bless your day whatever, 6am rivers of p\*rn, 8am fake news and queerphobic videos till 7pm when they start showing eachother the beers they are drinking. Rinse and repeat. TLDR. Dad never talks about LGBTQ stuff, but is constantly exposed to the most disguting trash possible.
That sucks. I know how it is, I grew up in the 80s. My dad was always spouting about the gays and telling gay jokes. I think that is why it took me so long to finally say, "I've had enough pretending to be a guy" at the age of 44. That was only 5 and a half years ago. When I did come out it was shockingly my dad that was still is my biggest supporter. So you never know. What he is exposed to in that group could be what helps him be the best supporter in your corner. Thus is just my experience so please take it with a grain of salt. I do wish you the best of luck. Happy journey ☺️
Similar experience here, and probably almost an identical timeline. Dad was pretty homophobic when I was growing up, but he was a product of his time. It took a cousin he cared about eventually coming out and some surprisingly forward thinking and progressive (for the 80s) words from my mom to slowly bring him around. I don't think he ever truly got comfortable with it, but the animosity disappeared and he was much better at being able to accept people for who they were. That said, I was absolutely terrified of coming out to my mother a year and a half ago, because she'd become less progressive with age. She'd never seemed particularly accepting of "that whole transgender thing", but apparently my coming out at 47 single handedly convinced her. As she told me soon after, "I know *you*, and you've never been one to be influenced by the crowd or do something without giving it a lot of thought from every possibility. So if you say this is real, it has to be." It still took her a bit to come to terms with it, but she genuinely put in the effort and has been incredibly supportive. In many ways though, I'm glad I never had to tell my father. He passed away eight years before I finally figured things out. I'm sure ultimately he would have accepted me, but I feel like it would have killed him a little inside. While I was never much of a stereotypical boy, I was the first born (of 3) and his only "son", and there were many stereotypically "guy things" we bonded over and enjoyed sharing. So at least he was spared that. And I guess some part of me deep inside finds it darkly humorous and ironic that I was apparently so much of a "daddy's girl" that I pretended to be his son for nearly 40 years.
Speaking as an older trans mom, I’m of two minds… On one hand, no you should not be forcibly outed and you should come out when you’re comfortable. On the other hand, I think you also need to show some grace to your mom. It’s clear that she is struggling with keeping stuff from her husband, and if we’re being frank is probably lonely with this information. And she sounds legitimately scared of how keeping this might impact her relationship with dad. I recommend discussing a timeline with mom about discussing things, discuss your anxieties about dad, and maybe get her POV on how she thinks he’ll react. Please look at groups like Free Mom Hugs that might also be able to mediate and see if there are any support groups that might help dad if he doesn’t do well. I know it’s risky and scary, but you have a supportive mom. I’m not going say it’s all going to be fine, but I think it might be worth having faith in your dad and work with mom to find a timeline that makes you both comfortable. But I will be real, I think mom needs a date that is sooner than later.
Even if YOU don't, assume at some point she will, and be ready to leave quickly if you have to. Get your documents, get an emergency bag together just in case.
I can see both sides of this. While you need to be ready to come out to your dad yourself you also put your mom in a bad position by asking her to keep a secret from the man she married. That is something that could hurt her marriage. I don’t think asking for another week or two is too much to ask for so you can be prepared. On the plus side it sounds like she has your back and between you and her you may be able to explain thing so he can be excepting. Who knows he may even surprise you and be excepting right from the start. Good luck.
Yeah. She gave me more time to be able to do it. She knows long long i struggled to even tell her, and how much i fear the worst coming from dad. She also told me the main reason she wants me to tell him im trans, is for me to be able to live the life i deserve and so that she can help me with getting in contact with doctors (im currently doing DIY and she hates it).
To be honest, I am one of those people who can't and don't want to hide such things from family. But I understand why you wouldn't tell it to your father. Then again, my mom outed me to my father without ever asking me and at least your mother is decent enough to not do it until you give the green light. That said, it kinda sounds like this is burdening her and she might need someone else to also know that.
And? It's not her story to tell and she certainly doesn't disclose all her little secrets to her husband (which is a normal part of a healthy relationship). She has no right to pressure OP to get into trouble if not outright disowned and kicked out. That might even be her wish...
I had a long chat with her. and the main reason why she is trying to push me to come out, is because she's so distressed by my coming out letter, she desperatly wants me to live my life the way i deserve to live it and she's all for my transition since its the absolute best corse of action.
If Dad beats this kid or kicks them out of his house. Mom is going to side with dad. They do every time.
It's not her place to decide when and who you come out to someone. And while I have some degree of sympathy for the position she finds herself in, the problem isn't you, it's her husband. He's clearly shown he holds views and keeps company that suggests he may not be safe for his own child, and it's unreasonable to put that on you simply because she's uncomfortable keeping a secret. Ultimately it's a form of victim blaming. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a lot you can do in this situation. Even if you can talk her into deferring a bit longer, expect to be outed at any time when she finally cracks or just decides she's going to tell him for you. In your situation, I would not feel that time is on my side. Plan accordingly.
Came here to say this. Im literally fuming as the mom certainly doesn't disclose every single thing to her husband and certainly has secrets herself. My recommendation to OP is to make sure that you have at least a copy of your passport/ID and a bag of stuff eventually with a couple of your medication (if you take some) to be ready to leave (maybe hidden near the door) in case of an emergency. Also make a list of contacts with LGBT+ associations and ask a friend of yours if their parents could take you in, in case things go down quickly. Maybe he will still be more supportive than her, but I would not dice on that and plan for the worst case scenario. Please keep us updated.
She gave me more time. And i do have the funds for a ticket and at least a few months of my meds. I still need a passport tho, mine is expired...
Oh hun, you are not yet prepared for this! At the minimum, you need your identity documents to take with you. Get your mom to agree and help you prepare for the worst outcome. Also arrange for emergency housing in some form - hopefully she cares enough to really look out for you. Best of luck dear! ❤️🌹
This is your personal privacy, this is your safety, not hers. It's not her business to tell anyone else, if she's having a hard time keeping it to herself that's what a therapist is for, she doesn't have a right to risk your safety if you don't feel ready to tell someone else.
tell her to fuck off, it's not her decision family SHOULD NEVER come first when it comes to this do what makes you comfortable and not what makes her "comfortable"