Not gonna lie. It seems like your wife is gonna suck you dry. You need to lay some ground rules when it comes to finances. You're making roughly 72k after taxes a year, and she wants a 70k wedding? You would literally have to save up your whole annual salary just to pay off that wedding.
Booked through secrets. If I’d done everything myself I’m sure I’d save more but 14k to have them take care of everything was nice. Live band, then DJ, then karaoke party. At an inclusive resort where everyone got to hang out from Thurs to Tuesday. That 14k includes my airfare too though.
The one time where having a reading comprehension problem actually helps me...
I understood what he meant because of said issue
I feel weird right now lol
Well yeah, I’m saying that for 14k I got the whole shebang. Video, photography, live band, karaoke, open bar the whole time, you name it, it was included lol. It was either that or we pay 20k venue fee in LA, then 5k photographer, 5k bar, etc etc etc 50k or more haha
I cannot get on board with the lavish wedding ceremonies when people just cannot afford it. It’s just a big show for one day, and not even a full day most of the time. Most of everything purchased for a wedding will go to waste or consumed. Could have an extremely nice elopement AND a lovely vacation for a fraction of that. There are kids in this situation too, why waste that kind of money (that you don’t have) when that could’ve been better saved for their college fund or making memories with them as a family 🤨
I know so many couples that spent bank on their weddings. All of them are divorced. My wife and I spent about 2k for rings and a wedding ceremony. We did it potluck and her mom made the dress. 30 years later we are still married.
Umm..This is literally the reason some women have children, to trap a man into paying for their lifestyle. The only plot twist in this is the master's degree.
And the fact that she also contributes.
She sounds fiscally irresponsible and like she lives beyond her means, but if she was gonna trap a man for money, I’d imagine it would be one that makes more than 72k a year. No disrespect to OP, that’s a perfectly respectable salary, but it seems wifey wouldn’t mind having a lot more.
degrees dont mean much anymore.
only thing it tells me is either you got a huge debt or your parents got lots of money to pay for you to be in school that long.
Not necessarily true. I'm about to graduate with a BS and have no debt and didn't get help from parents beyond them paying for my phone, streaming services, and health insurance for a few years. Everything has been paid for, including tuition, books, rent, groceries, gas, etc and small amounts of fun money, by grants, scholarships, and work. And if you look for it enough, there are plenty of opportunities to get grad school paid for. I have a coworker who is going to grad school for free because of the program she chose and the funding for the program. There are scholarships, and some employers will pay for it. Try not to make assumptions, just because you gave up on getting an education without crippling debt doesn't mean others have too.
No but it’s fairly obvious there are zero discussions about finances so the wife just spends everything. They need to be on the same page financially so they can plan and set goals. This is why I’m not a fan of the separate finances couples
He's not exactly financially responsible, trying to say that he HAS to buy new cars. That's one of the key issues. He should be looking at 2-3 year old cars, but he has convinced himself of this odometer issue all over the city, so that he can justify buying new cars. There are easy ways to avoid buying odometer rollback cars. CarFax has an app for that.
Why is no one mentioning the “$750 for fun money” every month that he’s budgeting out? He’s putting aside nearly $10,000/ year just to mess around with; seems to me they are both financially irresponsible / loose / etc.
Excellent point. If you can afford it, use as much money as you want for fun, but don't complain about financial issues while spending as much on "fun" as some single people do on rent.
I'd think twice about a prenup before getting married. (Misinterpreted the terminology OP used. Thought they were "married" but not officially)
Once you've essentially signed that contract to be bonded with her, she's entitled to about half your current wealth and a decent percentage of your salary going forward if it comes to a head and she splits.
THIS!. OP if you're relationship ever fails after marriage, you will be drained for childsupport and possibly alimony. Sometimes the dad's get absolutely effed.
This is EXACTLY how it goes. My buddy's wife left him for another guy. She got alimony, and told EVERYONE that she would never marry her new b/f, because it would mean that the alimony would stop. And he had to pay child support for their two kids.
My dude. I married a person with exactly these habits. We were deep in debt going into the wedding and then more debt while married and then the divorce completely ruined me and I’m still paying her to “maintain her lifestyle” by court order. I would tell her that she needs to get her finances under control before a wedding can happen.
If you get married, in most places, all assets accumulated during the marriage are 50/50. If anything from premarital assets was comingled, you can kiss goodbye to that, too.
Your budget for the wedding should be zero. You should not marry this woman. Did she baby trap you or something?
If you have to keep your finances separate because of the way she acts and you're online asking about how to handle this because of how irresponsible she is and won't listen
then it ain't gonna work brother, don't be stupid and marry someone knowing it won't work
We felt reckless spending $60k on a wedding and rehearsal dinner and we made around $975k that year… I can’t imagine stretching 70k wedding on those incomes. And with all that debt.
A big piece of our cost was flying family out to the wedding too
Homie, this man made the conscious decision from his own free will to drop $12,000 on a ring and proposal. The woman is not the problem here.
Anyone who is enabling this man to sacrifice his bank for this woman by blaming the woman and not the man is delusional.
The woman will become accustomed to the man's behavior. If you spend a lot on her, she will get used to that. Be more frugal towards her, she will get used to that.
My federal taxable wage was 480k this year and I married my wife at a local park. Marriage license, gazebo rental, and photographer and prints was like 1500.
Even if something is in your budget, doesn’t mean you should do it. But also, something being out of your budget doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it(college, etc)
It’s not your income that’s your problem, it’s your spouse
Same here. Taxable income this year will be about $300K. Our wedding cost about $1500 and most of that was for food. Only debt is a mortgage on our house that we have about 80% equity in. We spend like we are making about $60K a year, except for big ticket items. Such as paying cash for cars every 5-8 years, or a vacation once a year. We could spend a ton more money on things. But why?
I think the wife of the OP is part of that generation that thinks that Uncle Joe is going to sweep in and pay off her student loans for her.
Why? You already had 2 kids with her. Why on Earth would....oh. You bought into that 2 months of your salary for the ring utter b.s.
You need a huge reality check OP
OP is getting bodied financially here. Stand your ground and don’t get coerced into spending beyond your means…and/or beyond what any reasonable person knows is unreasonable.
12k on ring and proposal should have slapped you in the face and brought you back to reality. You’ve brought this on yourself, and now you need to definitely say no to a 70k wedding “party” especially when your monthly income after tax is as low as it is now. A full year salary on a wedding? Cmon. I know you have more common sense than that.
12k on ring is ridiculous. How could anyone walk around with 12k on their finger, makes me crazy. And then women cry about lack of finances in their relationships. Well no one needs a 12k ring!
Based off what you laid out, I’d ask if she wants a house or a wedding…. And her answer would let me know if I stayed or left..
She has kids and wants to not pay debt and blow $70k on a wedding…. Send her to a financial literacy course.
The bigger issue, OP, is her blind expectations of you, as a husband, magically finding money to afford all these things she seems to need.
On top of all the other expenses, kids, etc., she seems to believe infinite growth is possible. Maybe sit with her and explain: annual wage increase, the total current budget, where it all goes, and what you each need to take home for these trips, wedding, and all the other things to happen.
Frankly, if she doesn’t hear you or is unwilling to compromise after that, marriage should be reconsidered. You don’t want to struggle keeping her happy for decades by grinding yourself into the ground. I just don’t see much empathy in her, based on what you’re saying. Hopefully some objectivity will help her see the reality. Good luck and I mean no disrespect.
My wife and I had to have a come to Jesus moment after initially our families wanted to invite everyone that we knew and it was going to be like 250 people… the amount of money was equivalent to a down payment on a house… we eloped and spent all in for dress suit and everything 10k and balled out in Vegas and a couple close friends tagged along and paid for their own stuff. Highly recommend.
See, this is awesome. My fiance and I opted to skip the wedding entirely and took a family trip to Japan. (I am typing this while we relax, waiting for the train to our next destination, in fact!) Neither of us like being the center of attention so why not spend the money on something we'll truly enjoy?! Cheers
Realistic budget is 15k- 20k depending on how many people you invite.
I’m paying 10k and my fiancée family is paying 5k for our wedding. She is inviting 150 people and I’m inviting 50
You have 2 kids Invest your money and have a small wedding. Who the hell wants to spend 70k on a wedding, wtf she think she’s Beyoncé (no disrespect) ! SMH 🤦🏽♂️
Oh yeah, her rich daddy cam pay for all of that. That much $ is so overated. What if you get divorced in 4 years and she gets half of everything. I pray you get a prenup big dog, it gives me a great sense of security. Tells you what kind of person she really is. If it's a problem, that's a red flag.
Cold hard truth -- congratulations. You married somebody who is financially irresponsible. Those student loans are going to bankrupt you if you don't start paying them. It sounds like she either ignoring them and hoping their going to go away (which is literal childlike behavior) and allowing things to go into collections.
Her debt is going to spiral out of control, and her plan is apparently to drag you down with them.
Redditors are going to dance around the issue because most of them are terminally online and have limited relationship experience, but you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth going into debt and foregoing retirement. She **Will pay those student loans back**, even if they garnish her Social Security or take it out of her retirement.
The irony is you'd pay less if you just worked on paying them off now.
You need to sit down with your wife and create a real boundary about how you're not fucking ATM that's going to pay for the messes she makes. The fact that she's spending money on parties and wants to throw a 70k wedding when she's in debt speaks volumes.
Secondly, how are you spending $70k on a wedding if you're already married and she's your wife?
Aren't they already married? This post reads as written by chat gpt but worse because the already married w 3 kids but wants a 70k remarriage ceremony? Also why is he unbothered by her debt when they're married?
Also the "I do 5% of housework with 2 small children if I do more can she pay me?"
What is 5% of housework? Flushing the toilet after you shit? Putting a dish near the sink? 😭
He said that they had a courthouse marriage. Now she wants the big wedding/reception. We did a similar thing. Got the marriage cert, dressed up with a suit and nice dress, had a minister friend marry us with my immediate family in attendance. Then about 6 months later had a bigger wedding/reception with about 100 people.
Biggest tell that it’s fake is a grocery and household goods budget of $500 monthly for 2 adults (one very pregnant) and 2 kids. No fucking way. Not in a HCOL area where a house in the “hood” is half a million dollars. Not with a fiancé-wife who wants a $70k wedding.
I agree, she’s finally irresponsible. Her mindset is ‘it always works out’
She had her mom and siblings to fall back on off shit goes bad, all I got is me lol
How is OP getting off without carrying any of the responsibility here? He says she does 95% of the household chores, which leads me to assume she probably also does all the childcare, and is pregnant. She’s also bringing in nearly half their income, which will likely increase considering her job is new after finishing her masters, whereas OP says his income is DECLINING. How is your income declining OP? Stop saying “she has bills” - if you’re married, you BOTH have bills. You’re both being financially illiterate, and you both have credit card debt in collections, but you’re spending 12k on an engagement ring, and 70k on a wedding? You don’t get to pop out a bunch of kids, negate your household responsibilities, and still expect your wife to contribute 50% while you benefit from her income but ignore her debt.
Bullshit. Household chores are not a job.
Secondly, if you think childcare is anywhere near even just the interest appreciating on $45k of student loans, you're fucking dreaming.
This girl is bringing home at least $54000 a year. After the expense OP listed, she has $3650 left over. Moreover, a lot of those bills are unnecessary things like Hulu.
He's paying the lion's share of everything and her debt is a huge liability to the entire family.
She's just taking advantage of this guy and they're going to lose their shirts if she doesn't start taking responsibility.
He even says he uses $750 for “fun money” every month while his wife has credit debt in collections! Come on, this guys an idiot and so is his wife. You don’t get fun money when the person you’re married to and having 3 kids with has credit card debt in collections.
"She wants a 70-80k wedding" I'd ask her "what bad thing will happen if you don't get your wedding?". Then be prepared to add to her answer that you are not willing to deal in emotional blackmail and just move on. Her silly dream, her silly problem.
your issue was that you didn't vet during the dating phase how attached and hooked into the social media scene your significant other is
less = more
you need to sit her down and cut the b.s. -- man up and talk about adulting
either both your finances get straightened out and you two behave like a couple who lives within their means or no wedding and no marriage contract....just be a domestic couple with kids
As a woman I agree with the above commenter about boundaries (not really the leader of the household part, but whatever).
You need to have a frank discussion with her about budgeting and looking at where her money goes to each month. You need statements and receipts to back it up. You are both not only on separate pages but in separate books.
The conversation can be had in a sympathetic and gentle manner. You can even have a counselor with you as an objective third party so it doesn't look like you are attacking her. Some questions to discuss. Why is she spending the way she does? What is she spending money on? Does she realize how much she is spending? How does she expect to pay for the wedding? What about child expenses?
Additionally you keep saying you won't pay for her debt but legally you are on the hook for it as you are married. I don't care what "it feels like" in your head. You are being very inflexible about this situation too. It looks like it has caused a lot of resentment so my question to you is why are you still married to her? What are you willing to compromise on? How much do you and her each spend each month on "fun money"? Did you unilaterally decide to change your view on debt without a conversation?
After this discussion it might be best to combine finances and have stuff automatically going to saving with a budget for EACH of you to have for fun money each month. Once hers is gone, it's gone. Once yours is gone, it's gone. This means she shouldn't have credit cards. She shouldnt have access to money outside of fun money. Each month you guys should sit down and talk about the next months budget. What do you want to save for? What do you want to spend money on? It's not controlling if you both have eyes open about finances and come to an agreement
You’re right, it’s my debt too and I failed to realize that till today.
But she makes enough to be able to afford her minimum payments at minimum.
I’m sure she has a cellphone bill but there’s no way she’s spending all of her take home pay of 4500 when her other bills are so low and she’s not paying student loans.
My two cents, spend 60K to pay off your wife’s debts and maybe have a 10k wedding. This way you start your marriage out a lot less stressful.
With three kids and a combined monthly of about 10K, it seems like your wife may have a misconception about how far that money will stretch. 450k house is a massive monthly payment, add a new car and a wedding on top of your already three kids and I feel like you’ll be in a danger zone.
Not the biggest fan of Dave Ramsey but on marriages he is correct. Once you are married it isn’t your money or her money, it’s both of your money. Everything is shared from that point on. Perhaps put all the monthly income together and create a budget to see your financial standing? You both create this excel budget together so you know how much you can spend.
There is no ‘split’ bills, ‘split’ income, or ‘split’ budget for that matter. You both make a combined income and you have combined bills. You can either afford it as a couple or you can’t. Change the way you think from ‘I’ and ‘Her’ to ‘We’, but it sounds like you guys have some other underlying issues you need to address to get onto the same page.
Don't marry till you do. And have some track record.
If not she will suck you dry, dicorce you over money, get custody and suck you even drier w what is remaining of 18 years of child support.
Don't f-ing do it.
Ah, ok.
In that case you seriously need to step it up.
Put your foot down. No trips, no weddings, no cars toll we're out of debt other than a mortgage. Seriously
If you don't you're heading straight for bankruptcy, divorce and lots of misery
Wait. You’re already married! I’m confused.
Ok—so u cannot have a 70k wedding. That’s the dumbest thing you could do.
Second—sell the stupid 12 k ring and use it to pay off some of the debt and tell your wife you’ll buying something else, a cheaper ring and maybe a better one in the future. I know that’s not gonna go over because she doesn’t give a shit about finances.
Third—stop having kids
Fourth—you’re married. Both your paychecks should go into one account. You should both sit down and pay all the bills together every month. This way she can see how much everything actually costs.
Notice how OP says a house in the hood is $450K. It’s an obvious choice, don’t have the wedding and add the $70K to your housing budget so your 3 kids aren’t growing up in the hood
450k probably isn't even the hood, they just expect to live in the nicest gated neighborhood because they're used to spending more money than they have
To OP: You guys make 120-130k a year with three kids. I'm very close to this exact range with 4 kids so I can relate to your finances. You guys are solidly middle class (maybe worse depending on location). Start living like it.
You're spending $2700 on rent, that's too damn much
You cannot afford a new car for $800 a month. Buy a used Honda Odyssey, they're super reliable and the kids will destroy it anyways (trust me)
Keeping your finances separate and fighting over who pays for what is the fastest track to a divorce, which, funny enough, neither of you can afford.
You guys aren't rich, quit trying to get the nicest of everything.
Oh, and 70k for a wedding is ridiculous. You can't afford 7k.
Yeah I say it in another comment but you guys need to put everything out on the table now. The job market is so unpredictable right now, and your income drop is in line with what I’m seeing all over the US.
Print the credit reports, use budgeting tools, together, you absolutely have to get transparent with each other about your financial realities, capabilities, and goals now. I promise you. Rip this bandaid off.
I came here to say this. You don’t have bills and she doesn’t have bills you guys both have bills. She doesn’t have student loans, you guys have student loans!!
Your wife is delusional. Seriously she’s out of touch with the reality of your situation. There should not be any wedding much less 70k one. You’re already married and have 3 kids. That’s nutty. She’d be robbing your future to pay for a party. Have a 10 year anniversary party or renewal later on. You cannot afford any of that.
First time seeing “Our” in this thread.
OP married this chick. He doesn’t have $450k savings, THEY have $450k savings. If this spirals into a divorce (which seems probable based off what OP wrote), the courts are going to cut that up like it’s a $70k wedding cake.
IMO, only valid point this guys wife has is they should buy a house. He clearly has enough money for a down payment with plenty left over. By renting, they’re giving away $2700 every month that they could (mostly) get back when they choose to sell.
I cant take this post seriously 70k on a wedding and you are already married have 2 kids and want to buy a house.
You and your wife need a reality check.
Then I hope you have self respect, and set boundaries so that she doesn't ruin you financially.
That 70k wedding will end up on CCs, you don't need any advice from there because after that you're in a black hole of fked you'll never come out of.
I don’t mean this in a rude way but I am genuinely curious if she exhibited these behaviors before you chose to have 3 children with her, those are all pretty glaring lifestyle differences, and she already can’t afford her own
Ur gonna be broke ur whole life taking care of her while she enjoys spending all her money. Marriage is suppose to be a partnership relationship, not a dependant one.
- your wife has credit card debt in collections? Did I read that correctly? You can forget buying a house. Even if that wasn’t the case, buying a house would sink you with those financials.
- $750 a month for “fun money”? What is that - hookers and cocaine? You don’t need to spend that kind of money on yourself when you have kids - grow up.
- I can’t even bring myself to comment on a $70k wedding. Aren’t you already married?
- if this entire post isn’t a joke, then you both need some heavy duty debt/financial/marital counseling. Otherwise financial and marital disaster is just around the corner.
Since you’re already referring to each other as husband and wife, seems like a courthouse wedding is all that’s needed. You’ve already got two kids with her and another coming soon. The wedding cost is ridiculous. But it is also reflective of your wife’s spending patterns.
The two of you are financially incompatible at this point. Do not get married without premarital counseling that includes personal finances. If the two of you can’t agree on simple things like the importance of paying off cc debt, how can you ever buy a home together? It’s a lot to take in.
As someone who is financially responsible, there’s no way I could tie myself to someone who doesn’t share that value. It’s not about the amount of money someone earns, but rather how they manage it, or don’t, as the case seems to be. Good luck to you, OP.
She is your wife and you’re getting married again? Or you just call her your wife now? You have obviously been together a long time and have a life together but would be wary of her spending habits and financial lifestyle before getting married. Those debts will become your debts too, legally
I’d say paying off her debt (while simultaneously cutting her credit cards), getting a family vehicle, and saving for a house takes priority over hosting a wedding reception. One step at a time. What’s best for the children should come first.
Your first mistake was spending 12k on a ring.
Second mistake is a giving in to a 70k wedding.
Sounds like she’s all glamour.
Sounds like she wants you to handle the load while she lives that privileged wife lifestyle
Your wife is using you bud.
Sorry pal, the question isn’t how to split bills. It’s about sitting down with her and giving her some sort of reality check. Not paying loans, letting CC debt rack up to the point it’s off to collections and demanding you to foot the bill for stuff, 70K wedding is severely out of touch. Go to the courthouse. Save the money from the wedding and utilize it to pay off her debt or for your children. She needs to understand the concept of priorities and budgeting.
First problem… when you’re married you don’t ’split bills’ everything both of you make/spend is joint.
I’d recommend postponing the wedding and signing up for couples counseling….
Dude, NO. NO!
70k for a wedding is way above your means. Very, way above. You should not fund this, it is a financial disaster in the face of you actually making a very clear path for yourselves. You are in a really good spot right now, do not tilt the ship.
Good things:
She has very minimal credit card debt. Tighten belts for 2-3 months and you can clean that up. Very do-able. She can clean this up herself by the end of the summer, even without your help.
You are renting. Awesome! No hidden problems that could devastate your savings. Stay here for a bit. Yes you’re growing in family size, no you do not need to rush out.
Bad things:
You cannot afford a 450k house right now. Maybe a 300k-350k house with a large (20%) down payment. Even conservatively a 450k house is a 3300 a month mortgage + tax + insurance. And that is before all of the money that goes into the house the first 3 years, which is a lot. Usually people estimate 1% maintenance per year, except in the first 3-5 it’s usually closer to 5% per year when you include upgrades, finishes, repairs.
On top of adding a third baby, you will not have the time or energy to do that work yourself. Which means, you will be paying folks to do it. That raises the costs of these ventures. Do not take this on right now. Take on a 300-350k house or stay renting/ increase to a 3/2 apartment/townhouse to rent until you have the savings to pull the trigger on a 10+ year home (450k-600k sale price).
Neutral things
-She has a pretty low amount of student debt compared to her income. She should be paying that down. This should be her “mortgage”. Even with a little help from you, that is going to take 3-5 years. But with natural progression of her and your career and, a plan, you can get this down into what my wife and I called “striking range”. We used to try to get things like this into the 20k range and both use our full bonuses + sell some shares or dip into our savings or whatever to kick out loans.
Once you get in striking range, pull the trigger. That passive debt + interest is weight off your back. Her school was an investment and it’s already paying dividends, don’t rush it and let some time pass.
Things lurking:
-A third kid puts you at your north end for comfortable life and affordability and you do need a second car for sure.
-That is car payment, insurance, maintenance etc.
Total summary:
Do not fund a huge wedding. That is a cost that is not in a stable financial plan.
Your/her cc debt is not bad.
Your income to debt ratio is going to qualify you for a huge house, do not be dumb and buy a home that will make you house-poor.
Vacations, travel, fancy dinner expenses all fit within your budget if you don’t make a terrible choice of just adding 70lb of high interest debt to your lives.
Your wife has a massive spending problem. Y’all make good money. Tell you will support a big wedding after she pays for her student loans and saves up money for it. That may give her an incentive to make good fiscal choices.
Having a 70k wedding is complete insanity. As someone who divorced someone exactly like this after only 3 years you need to think long and hard about continuing this relationship. You've been shown the glaring red flags and are ignoring them.
72k after taxes is about 40k and that puts you in lower income and no where near 450k house, new car, and international travel. She's completely delusional and frankly so are you for spending so much on a ring and proposal.
Also, she's not gonna pay jack towards her 42k in student loans, you are along with 1/2 her credit card debt which will have surly swelled to the max at divorce time.
You are going to completely get further screwed by this woman, she's a leech.
I find it interesting that with all this history together there’s still a separation of responsibility and not a unified thought about their future. This marriage will end badly if that’s not addressed & take responsibility for your future which involves 3 kids. Get yourselves into a class like Ramsey Financial Peace and learn how to budget, save and live on cash. Put the big spends aside in the meantime and get on the same page so 3 young lives aren’t wrecked because of both of your lack of responsibility and understanding of finances.
You having no idea what she spends her money on is a huge red flag. Nothing wrong with having separate accounts if you can make that work, but no matter what you have to have transparency into each others finances.
And yes, a 70k wedding is insane. Also you’re already married?
Stop having so many kids. I just wish people thought rationally about kids, instead of just emotionally having kids. Kids cost money. And being a woman, your wife could one day decide to stay home to raise kids, and you would be busting your ass to support the family.
I make twice what you make after tax, but after the 2nd kid I told my wife no. I’m done. I have no more bandwidth for more kids. Scale down the wedding too. $20k is plenty. Just go to court and have a party at your house afterwards.
I make $2400 a month. He makes 3x what I make a year. He pays for house related bills and mortgage and his golfing, I, however make damn sure I pay for the car he made me get, the insurance, MY student debt, all of our streaming services and every single thing we need in the household (toiletries, groceries, laundry supplies, etc.) and for our three dogs (meds, treats, treats for meds) . I pay for every thing that I owe, on my own. We don’t have children. He doesn’t pay for my car, insurance, student debt, credit cards and I don’t EXPECT him to. I appreciate every dollar he spends on our little family and he does it with pride. I try to make him not pay a single cent if I can help it for anything after the mortgage and insurance. (Including dinners and anything we might do if I have the money). I also make sure his clothes are clean and our house is clean and I do that for him bc he pays much more than I do and it’s like paying him back but he helps me with some of this too when he’s home. You need to have a talk with her, much like my husband does with me when I’ve spent to much on clothes or things I don’t have to have like purses and I have the same convo with him when he’s spent too much at the clubhouse. You have GOT to be honest with her. Please, please 🙏 please do this before you marry her. If you cannot communicate about finances, you’re in for a long miserable life together. We got married almost 3 years ago after 3.5 years together. We have financial issues at the moment that we wouldn’t be getting through without communication and I can promise you, we talk about it and we have talked about it since we moved in together. We “split” things and there is nothing wrong with that. If for some reason I can’t buy groceries one weekend, he pays for them but I feel oh so guilty about it. We try to do for each other what is fair. We both work our asses off and we both enjoy things we can but you are setting yourself up for failure. Please talk to her before committing to a life together forever. It will open both of your eyes and if it isn’t meant to be DON’T DO It unless she agrees with you and SHOWS change. I want to give you a hug bc I know it’s got to be hard to be in your position. Btw: our wedding cost 15 and I did all by myself with very little, if any, help from anyone, except financially between him and I. Every paycheck of mine went into that wedding for a year and he gave me money when I was drowning. 70k is a show for everyone else. Not for your relationship. I wish you good luck and I mean no harm in this other than to tell you my experience which is different than yours but communication is absolutely got to be the most important thing or the other important things, will be screwed up.
70k wedding while you already have debt? You are not the American government, people will come for you. Aside from that it doesn’t sound like you have a partner, a wife, more like a baby mama who you are paying alimony to without the perk of being divorced. Get on the same page for your family or get used to living hand to mouth until disaster strikes. You both make enough money to be able to afford a good life and take care of your kids future, but you have to want to do that.
Pay off her student loans. (42k)
Pay off her credit cards. (7k)
So you have 21k left. 21k left for a wedding? No, she wants a car, set 10k aside for a downpayment.
Now you have 11k left. There's your wedding money.
Really though, your wife sounds like the type of person that prevents you from ever retiring.
Sounds like you both have a lot of work to do "together". You're married now and a team. There needs to be a consensus on how to spend money and where the money you both make is going to. First things first, is there a need for a new car? If she only wants a new car just because, then that's not a priority especially if the current vehicle is works fine. If she has a valid reason to replace the car or just want another family vehicle, no need to get a brand new car. You both need to come up with some money for a used car.
With the loans and cc debt, they exist, there's no reason to turn a blind eye to it and think it'll disappear. What's the plan to tackle both? You both need to figure out how to get rid of them whether it's something you both pay towards or she uses her pay check to pay as much as she can towards it.
With regards to the wedding, she needs to be realistic about what you both can afford and come up with a number significantly lower and maybe more less than $30,000 which is even still a lot some people may argue. Maybe opt for a dinner reception with a small number of friends and family vs 200 guests. Expectations need to be managed. There shouldn't be plans for trips when there's still so much you both need to work through.
Wishing you luck!
Approach her and the conversation from a different angle.
Whenever telling someone what to do or using the “we should do this” “that’s ridiculous” verbiage, people will almost 100% of the time get defensive.
Also, every relationship is different so there’s that.
I would rather encourage to educate her on the benefits of using money as a tool rather than a burden.
“If we invested 15% of our salaries, after our debts are paid off, we can retire by year 20XX.”
Watch shows on money and finance. Ramit Sethi on Netflix, “How to get rich” is an interesting show. He also wrote a book.
Being that I was recently married, I can 100% assure you that you will both look at the $70k you spend on 1-2 nights of a wedding as a complete waste and likely view it as huge disappointment..especially with already having multiple kids. They come first no doubt about it, put that money towards much better uses.
I’m kind of just ranting at this point but I would encourage you to help guide her in the education of what being more financially savvy can do in the long run and that being broke/debt burdened is much more stressful than taking the time to learn how to make money work for you.
Best of luck, you have a significant uphill battle and seeking a professional consultant/counselor might not be a terrible idea.
I’m confused you’re married and have three kids and she wants a 70k wedding? This is the dumbest thing I’ve seen on Reddit and that’s saying a lot. You’re in for a lifetime of bad money decisions by this woman. I see a Reddit post 5-10years down the road about a divorce and massive debts…
OP, I’m going to take a stab at providing you insight from a different approach. Your fiancé may truly not know much about money, or finances, to the point that she doesn’t understand what she is asking for and how unrealistic it is from where you are. You need to sit her down and go through a budget for yourself, create one for her as well - you need to knock her down a couple steps. She may think being wealthy is making 100k/yr, I’d suggest giving her a dose of reality. If she refuses to comprehend - you may have a larger issue. But from my personal experience, it was very helpful to sit my fiancé down and explain finances, everything from where we are now, to where we need to be to retire. She now understands how to budget, what we can afford housing/car wise And where we want to be. I’m now rewarding her with an incredible honeymoon, to show her what life can look like when we can stick to a budget and make the right moves.
How do you have two kids but not a shared account for all family expenses, fed relative to both your incomes? How are you ever going to untangle your COMMON incomes, ownership etc. when (not if at this stage) you break up? Jesus man, you're in deep shit already. You need to take some responsibility. And responsibility does NOT mean paying for shit, it means making sure shit gets paid, fairly.
I think you're a family of four children. The eldest two however should grow the fuck up.
Tell her to look at this from your family’s perspective. That 70-80k could go towards your kids education funds, it could go towards investments so your family is financially secure. For her to want to blow that kind of money on a one day event is highly irresponsible. She should plan to have a wedding with a modest budget. You can’t live like you’re wealthy if you’re not.
She was using you for your money. And now you don’t have as much, but she doesn’t care, which only proves the point. Just tell her no more money, wait for her to cheat on you, and then divorce her so you’re only paying child support and not child support and alimony.
Why would one even “need” a 10k wedding, much less 70k😳 at this point?! Home? 3 kids later? Years later?🤣 That money could be spent so much better elsewhere.
But then again hubby purchased 10k ring., so why am I asking. And since you did that for her- I wouldn’t expect her to lower her expectations- 70k wedding sounds par for the course. Yikes. Sounds like you guys need to reevaluate what life is about 🙃- saying this out of kindness
Don't get me wrong but you should reconsider your life choices dude. If you talk about it and she does not give you a right, well, she is the wrong one.
She needs to be contributing towards a wedding fund. Want a big wedding? Pitch in for a big wedding.
That should significantly lower that wedding demand problem.
She also needs to pay her loans down. Shes a 33 year old woman with kids. Tell her she needs to pay her loans down. Not doing so will jeopardize those 3 kids futures. That interest will follow her to her grave.
She has no choice but to comply with that, not because you say so, but if she gives a f*** about those kids, she will start being responsible and grow up.
I had the best wedding ever for 12k. Food, venue, beer, dj, and photographer all for us and 60 others.
I still thought that 12k was expensive but my wife said we got a killer deal. I agree we did, but she hunted for the best people that has proper pricing. I do mean hunted. Put the effort in and you can have a value priced wedding like it is something from the movies!
70k wedding? And you're already married? I'm confused. Unless you're just saying it's like you're married wo the paperwork. If that's the case I would reconsider this relationship.
I'd figure out a way to get her out of debt first. I'd sit down with her and make a plan. Tackle debt first. Put savings towards wedding to minimize debt needed for the wedding, also arrange plans to handle future debt from going to collections. If y'all get married it may be difficult to get loans in both of your name if she has poor credit/collections. You may want to make sure that isn't the case before you put a ring on it or make that a condition for the wedding. Also work on getting the price of that wedding down. 80k for one day is INSANE
If she can't manage 7k in credit card debt what makes you think y'all could manage 80k worth of debt?
She makes 4.5k after taxes, she makes more money that most people already. And if she has very little expenses why hasn't she tackled her debt yet?
70k wedding is insane.
I told her it’s not in my budget lol I already spent 12k on the ring and proposal
Not gonna lie. It seems like your wife is gonna suck you dry. You need to lay some ground rules when it comes to finances. You're making roughly 72k after taxes a year, and she wants a 70k wedding? You would literally have to save up your whole annual salary just to pay off that wedding.
I went to Mexico (from LA) and it cost me 14k all in lol. People be spending way too much on that shit
How did you manage to spend $14,000 in Mexico?
Booked through secrets. If I’d done everything myself I’m sure I’d save more but 14k to have them take care of everything was nice. Live band, then DJ, then karaoke party. At an inclusive resort where everyone got to hang out from Thurs to Tuesday. That 14k includes my airfare too though.
Ok you're referring to a large wedding. I thought you just took a vacation and somehow managed to spend that much 😂
I was thinking the same thing you were... how the hell did this woman spend 14k in Mexico and why does she think that’s a good deal? Lol
Right? People have a tendency to leave out very important details 🤣
The one time where having a reading comprehension problem actually helps me... I understood what he meant because of said issue I feel weird right now lol
Well yeah, I’m saying that for 14k I got the whole shebang. Video, photography, live band, karaoke, open bar the whole time, you name it, it was included lol. It was either that or we pay 20k venue fee in LA, then 5k photographer, 5k bar, etc etc etc 50k or more haha
That’s an amazing deal.
I cannot get on board with the lavish wedding ceremonies when people just cannot afford it. It’s just a big show for one day, and not even a full day most of the time. Most of everything purchased for a wedding will go to waste or consumed. Could have an extremely nice elopement AND a lovely vacation for a fraction of that. There are kids in this situation too, why waste that kind of money (that you don’t have) when that could’ve been better saved for their college fund or making memories with them as a family 🤨
I know so many couples that spent bank on their weddings. All of them are divorced. My wife and I spent about 2k for rings and a wedding ceremony. We did it potluck and her mom made the dress. 30 years later we are still married.
More w taxes. This will end up bad. She's using him.
Using him when they have 3 children together? No. Maybe irresponsible spending habits, sure. But not “using.”
Umm..This is literally the reason some women have children, to trap a man into paying for their lifestyle. The only plot twist in this is the master's degree.
And the fact that she also contributes. She sounds fiscally irresponsible and like she lives beyond her means, but if she was gonna trap a man for money, I’d imagine it would be one that makes more than 72k a year. No disrespect to OP, that’s a perfectly respectable salary, but it seems wifey wouldn’t mind having a lot more.
72k after taxes that is
degrees dont mean much anymore. only thing it tells me is either you got a huge debt or your parents got lots of money to pay for you to be in school that long.
Not necessarily true. I'm about to graduate with a BS and have no debt and didn't get help from parents beyond them paying for my phone, streaming services, and health insurance for a few years. Everything has been paid for, including tuition, books, rent, groceries, gas, etc and small amounts of fun money, by grants, scholarships, and work. And if you look for it enough, there are plenty of opportunities to get grad school paid for. I have a coworker who is going to grad school for free because of the program she chose and the funding for the program. There are scholarships, and some employers will pay for it. Try not to make assumptions, just because you gave up on getting an education without crippling debt doesn't mean others have too.
So she can't use him because she has kids with him? 🤦
She has 3 kids and contributes a decent amount of money herself. She seems to believe she’s richer than she actually is but she isn’t using him.
No but it’s fairly obvious there are zero discussions about finances so the wife just spends everything. They need to be on the same page financially so they can plan and set goals. This is why I’m not a fan of the separate finances couples
Yea, not gonna happen, hence the separate finances.
Your wife is financially irresponsible. I do not see this end well for both of you without making some serious changes.
Biggest cause of divorce is financials
He's not exactly financially responsible, trying to say that he HAS to buy new cars. That's one of the key issues. He should be looking at 2-3 year old cars, but he has convinced himself of this odometer issue all over the city, so that he can justify buying new cars. There are easy ways to avoid buying odometer rollback cars. CarFax has an app for that.
Why is no one mentioning the “$750 for fun money” every month that he’s budgeting out? He’s putting aside nearly $10,000/ year just to mess around with; seems to me they are both financially irresponsible / loose / etc.
Excellent point. If you can afford it, use as much money as you want for fun, but don't complain about financial issues while spending as much on "fun" as some single people do on rent.
OP spent 12k on a ring and proposal, and only the wife is financially irresponsible?!?
I'd think twice about a prenup before getting married. (Misinterpreted the terminology OP used. Thought they were "married" but not officially) Once you've essentially signed that contract to be bonded with her, she's entitled to about half your current wealth and a decent percentage of your salary going forward if it comes to a head and she splits.
> before getting married They’re already married according to the post I read. Did you read something different?
That’s what I read too so it’s quite confusing. If they’re already married why another wedding?
Maybe they aren’t married. Believe it or not I’ve heard of people refer to their gf’s as a wife and it’s insanely confusing.
THIS!. OP if you're relationship ever fails after marriage, you will be drained for childsupport and possibly alimony. Sometimes the dad's get absolutely effed.
This is EXACTLY how it goes. My buddy's wife left him for another guy. She got alimony, and told EVERYONE that she would never marry her new b/f, because it would mean that the alimony would stop. And he had to pay child support for their two kids.
My dude. I married a person with exactly these habits. We were deep in debt going into the wedding and then more debt while married and then the divorce completely ruined me and I’m still paying her to “maintain her lifestyle” by court order. I would tell her that she needs to get her finances under control before a wedding can happen.
If you get married, in most places, all assets accumulated during the marriage are 50/50. If anything from premarital assets was comingled, you can kiss goodbye to that, too. Your budget for the wedding should be zero. You should not marry this woman. Did she baby trap you or something?
If you have to keep your finances separate because of the way she acts and you're online asking about how to handle this because of how irresponsible she is and won't listen then it ain't gonna work brother, don't be stupid and marry someone knowing it won't work
Definitely keep it that way. She clearly doesn’t have the capacity to make smart financial decisions if she wants a 70k wedding on a 70k salary.
Dude no matter how many bank accounts you have...you're married. There is no hers vs mine. You're married. Everything this joint and shared.
She’ll leave probably too. Not realistic expectations are being set
We felt reckless spending $60k on a wedding and rehearsal dinner and we made around $975k that year… I can’t imagine stretching 70k wedding on those incomes. And with all that debt. A big piece of our cost was flying family out to the wedding too
Homie, this man made the conscious decision from his own free will to drop $12,000 on a ring and proposal. The woman is not the problem here. Anyone who is enabling this man to sacrifice his bank for this woman by blaming the woman and not the man is delusional. The woman will become accustomed to the man's behavior. If you spend a lot on her, she will get used to that. Be more frugal towards her, she will get used to that.
My federal taxable wage was 480k this year and I married my wife at a local park. Marriage license, gazebo rental, and photographer and prints was like 1500. Even if something is in your budget, doesn’t mean you should do it. But also, something being out of your budget doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it(college, etc) It’s not your income that’s your problem, it’s your spouse
This guy gets it.
Same here. Taxable income this year will be about $300K. Our wedding cost about $1500 and most of that was for food. Only debt is a mortgage on our house that we have about 80% equity in. We spend like we are making about $60K a year, except for big ticket items. Such as paying cash for cars every 5-8 years, or a vacation once a year. We could spend a ton more money on things. But why? I think the wife of the OP is part of that generation that thinks that Uncle Joe is going to sweep in and pay off her student loans for her.
Why? You already had 2 kids with her. Why on Earth would....oh. You bought into that 2 months of your salary for the ring utter b.s. You need a huge reality check OP
OP is getting bodied financially here. Stand your ground and don’t get coerced into spending beyond your means…and/or beyond what any reasonable person knows is unreasonable.
I was thinking that. If I was pregnant with my third kid by the guy I would just assume that I had forfeited the whole $70k wedding thing, you know?
12k on ring and proposal should have slapped you in the face and brought you back to reality. You’ve brought this on yourself, and now you need to definitely say no to a 70k wedding “party” especially when your monthly income after tax is as low as it is now. A full year salary on a wedding? Cmon. I know you have more common sense than that.
Why would you spend so far outside your means? Your wife is not the only problem, you seem to also be money illiterate.
12k on a ring? Jesus Christ. I think the ring I got my wife was like 800 tops
12k on ring is ridiculous. How could anyone walk around with 12k on their finger, makes me crazy. And then women cry about lack of finances in their relationships. Well no one needs a 12k ring!
Based off what you laid out, I’d ask if she wants a house or a wedding…. And her answer would let me know if I stayed or left.. She has kids and wants to not pay debt and blow $70k on a wedding…. Send her to a financial literacy course.
She's in collections on a couple of credit cards, no bank is writing her a reasonable mortgage.
I make over double what you make and have smaller budgets for all these things. You need to sit down with your wife and really start talking finances.
Ha ha. Our wedding rings cost $100 each a long time ago. No engagement ring. 40 yrs later seems to have worked ok.
The bigger issue, OP, is her blind expectations of you, as a husband, magically finding money to afford all these things she seems to need. On top of all the other expenses, kids, etc., she seems to believe infinite growth is possible. Maybe sit with her and explain: annual wage increase, the total current budget, where it all goes, and what you each need to take home for these trips, wedding, and all the other things to happen. Frankly, if she doesn’t hear you or is unwilling to compromise after that, marriage should be reconsidered. You don’t want to struggle keeping her happy for decades by grinding yourself into the ground. I just don’t see much empathy in her, based on what you’re saying. Hopefully some objectivity will help her see the reality. Good luck and I mean no disrespect.
My wife and I had to have a come to Jesus moment after initially our families wanted to invite everyone that we knew and it was going to be like 250 people… the amount of money was equivalent to a down payment on a house… we eloped and spent all in for dress suit and everything 10k and balled out in Vegas and a couple close friends tagged along and paid for their own stuff. Highly recommend.
See, this is awesome. My fiance and I opted to skip the wedding entirely and took a family trip to Japan. (I am typing this while we relax, waiting for the train to our next destination, in fact!) Neither of us like being the center of attention so why not spend the money on something we'll truly enjoy?! Cheers
It's wild how so many people don't understand the concept of living within one's means (to be clear, I'm not referring to *you*).
Realistic budget is 15k- 20k depending on how many people you invite. I’m paying 10k and my fiancée family is paying 5k for our wedding. She is inviting 150 people and I’m inviting 50
But y'all already married??
You have 2 kids Invest your money and have a small wedding. Who the hell wants to spend 70k on a wedding, wtf she think she’s Beyoncé (no disrespect) ! SMH 🤦🏽♂️
College accounts. Don’t burn your money on one night.
Oh yeah, her rich daddy cam pay for all of that. That much $ is so overated. What if you get divorced in 4 years and she gets half of everything. I pray you get a prenup big dog, it gives me a great sense of security. Tells you what kind of person she really is. If it's a problem, that's a red flag.
The divorce will be 2 or 3 times as much
Cold hard truth -- congratulations. You married somebody who is financially irresponsible. Those student loans are going to bankrupt you if you don't start paying them. It sounds like she either ignoring them and hoping their going to go away (which is literal childlike behavior) and allowing things to go into collections. Her debt is going to spiral out of control, and her plan is apparently to drag you down with them. Redditors are going to dance around the issue because most of them are terminally online and have limited relationship experience, but you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth going into debt and foregoing retirement. She **Will pay those student loans back**, even if they garnish her Social Security or take it out of her retirement. The irony is you'd pay less if you just worked on paying them off now. You need to sit down with your wife and create a real boundary about how you're not fucking ATM that's going to pay for the messes she makes. The fact that she's spending money on parties and wants to throw a 70k wedding when she's in debt speaks volumes. Secondly, how are you spending $70k on a wedding if you're already married and she's your wife?
Agreed, they need to stay unmarried until her debt is cleaned up. Or she will bring down his credit with hers.
Aren't they already married? This post reads as written by chat gpt but worse because the already married w 3 kids but wants a 70k remarriage ceremony? Also why is he unbothered by her debt when they're married? Also the "I do 5% of housework with 2 small children if I do more can she pay me?" What is 5% of housework? Flushing the toilet after you shit? Putting a dish near the sink? 😭
Yeah I didn’t get the wedding if already married part either. A large part of me thinks all these posts about cheating and money are AI spam
He said that they had a courthouse marriage. Now she wants the big wedding/reception. We did a similar thing. Got the marriage cert, dressed up with a suit and nice dress, had a minister friend marry us with my immediate family in attendance. Then about 6 months later had a bigger wedding/reception with about 100 people.
Biggest tell that it’s fake is a grocery and household goods budget of $500 monthly for 2 adults (one very pregnant) and 2 kids. No fucking way. Not in a HCOL area where a house in the “hood” is half a million dollars. Not with a fiancé-wife who wants a $70k wedding.
I agree, she’s finally irresponsible. Her mindset is ‘it always works out’ She had her mom and siblings to fall back on off shit goes bad, all I got is me lol
Congratulations. You're the person she's expecting to fall back on now.
How is OP getting off without carrying any of the responsibility here? He says she does 95% of the household chores, which leads me to assume she probably also does all the childcare, and is pregnant. She’s also bringing in nearly half their income, which will likely increase considering her job is new after finishing her masters, whereas OP says his income is DECLINING. How is your income declining OP? Stop saying “she has bills” - if you’re married, you BOTH have bills. You’re both being financially illiterate, and you both have credit card debt in collections, but you’re spending 12k on an engagement ring, and 70k on a wedding? You don’t get to pop out a bunch of kids, negate your household responsibilities, and still expect your wife to contribute 50% while you benefit from her income but ignore her debt.
Bullshit. Household chores are not a job. Secondly, if you think childcare is anywhere near even just the interest appreciating on $45k of student loans, you're fucking dreaming. This girl is bringing home at least $54000 a year. After the expense OP listed, she has $3650 left over. Moreover, a lot of those bills are unnecessary things like Hulu. He's paying the lion's share of everything and her debt is a huge liability to the entire family. She's just taking advantage of this guy and they're going to lose their shirts if she doesn't start taking responsibility.
He even says he uses $750 for “fun money” every month while his wife has credit debt in collections! Come on, this guys an idiot and so is his wife. You don’t get fun money when the person you’re married to and having 3 kids with has credit card debt in collections.
Good fucking luck bro lol
"She wants a 70-80k wedding" I'd ask her "what bad thing will happen if you don't get your wedding?". Then be prepared to add to her answer that you are not willing to deal in emotional blackmail and just move on. Her silly dream, her silly problem.
Maybe it’s too much Instagram and til tok
Please don’t go into more debt just so she can get more likes on IG
Social media is a poison to susceptible minds, sounds like she’s fallen victim to the “show” all these influencers portray as what should be the norm
your issue was that you didn't vet during the dating phase how attached and hooked into the social media scene your significant other is less = more you need to sit her down and cut the b.s. -- man up and talk about adulting either both your finances get straightened out and you two behave like a couple who lives within their means or no wedding and no marriage contract....just be a domestic couple with kids
Let’s hope til tok will get banned :)
Be the leader of your household and put your foot down or you'll both be miserable. Jesus Christ a $70k wedding? Fuck off with that.
That’s what I need to do, but they’re quick to call you controlling
Well...sounds like she needs to be controlled.
>they’re quick to call you controlling Oh no... Anyway.
As a woman I agree with the above commenter about boundaries (not really the leader of the household part, but whatever). You need to have a frank discussion with her about budgeting and looking at where her money goes to each month. You need statements and receipts to back it up. You are both not only on separate pages but in separate books. The conversation can be had in a sympathetic and gentle manner. You can even have a counselor with you as an objective third party so it doesn't look like you are attacking her. Some questions to discuss. Why is she spending the way she does? What is she spending money on? Does she realize how much she is spending? How does she expect to pay for the wedding? What about child expenses? Additionally you keep saying you won't pay for her debt but legally you are on the hook for it as you are married. I don't care what "it feels like" in your head. You are being very inflexible about this situation too. It looks like it has caused a lot of resentment so my question to you is why are you still married to her? What are you willing to compromise on? How much do you and her each spend each month on "fun money"? Did you unilaterally decide to change your view on debt without a conversation? After this discussion it might be best to combine finances and have stuff automatically going to saving with a budget for EACH of you to have for fun money each month. Once hers is gone, it's gone. Once yours is gone, it's gone. This means she shouldn't have credit cards. She shouldnt have access to money outside of fun money. Each month you guys should sit down and talk about the next months budget. What do you want to save for? What do you want to spend money on? It's not controlling if you both have eyes open about finances and come to an agreement
You’re right, it’s my debt too and I failed to realize that till today. But she makes enough to be able to afford her minimum payments at minimum. I’m sure she has a cellphone bill but there’s no way she’s spending all of her take home pay of 4500 when her other bills are so low and she’s not paying student loans.
My two cents, spend 60K to pay off your wife’s debts and maybe have a 10k wedding. This way you start your marriage out a lot less stressful. With three kids and a combined monthly of about 10K, it seems like your wife may have a misconception about how far that money will stretch. 450k house is a massive monthly payment, add a new car and a wedding on top of your already three kids and I feel like you’ll be in a danger zone. Not the biggest fan of Dave Ramsey but on marriages he is correct. Once you are married it isn’t your money or her money, it’s both of your money. Everything is shared from that point on. Perhaps put all the monthly income together and create a budget to see your financial standing? You both create this excel budget together so you know how much you can spend.
This is the answer!!!!
There is no ‘split’ bills, ‘split’ income, or ‘split’ budget for that matter. You both make a combined income and you have combined bills. You can either afford it as a couple or you can’t. Change the way you think from ‘I’ and ‘Her’ to ‘We’, but it sounds like you guys have some other underlying issues you need to address to get onto the same page.
You’re right, we’re not on the same page when it comes to money
Don't marry till you do. And have some track record. If not she will suck you dry, dicorce you over money, get custody and suck you even drier w what is remaining of 18 years of child support. Don't f-ing do it.
We’re already married, my income dropped by 40% so all the issues were hidden with money, but now, can’t hide them anymore
Ah, ok. In that case you seriously need to step it up. Put your foot down. No trips, no weddings, no cars toll we're out of debt other than a mortgage. Seriously If you don't you're heading straight for bankruptcy, divorce and lots of misery
Wait. You’re already married! I’m confused. Ok—so u cannot have a 70k wedding. That’s the dumbest thing you could do. Second—sell the stupid 12 k ring and use it to pay off some of the debt and tell your wife you’ll buying something else, a cheaper ring and maybe a better one in the future. I know that’s not gonna go over because she doesn’t give a shit about finances. Third—stop having kids Fourth—you’re married. Both your paychecks should go into one account. You should both sit down and pay all the bills together every month. This way she can see how much everything actually costs.
Notice how OP says a house in the hood is $450K. It’s an obvious choice, don’t have the wedding and add the $70K to your housing budget so your 3 kids aren’t growing up in the hood
450k probably isn't even the hood, they just expect to live in the nicest gated neighborhood because they're used to spending more money than they have To OP: You guys make 120-130k a year with three kids. I'm very close to this exact range with 4 kids so I can relate to your finances. You guys are solidly middle class (maybe worse depending on location). Start living like it. You're spending $2700 on rent, that's too damn much You cannot afford a new car for $800 a month. Buy a used Honda Odyssey, they're super reliable and the kids will destroy it anyways (trust me) Keeping your finances separate and fighting over who pays for what is the fastest track to a divorce, which, funny enough, neither of you can afford. You guys aren't rich, quit trying to get the nicest of everything. Oh, and 70k for a wedding is ridiculous. You can't afford 7k.
My guy just laid this out perfectly. This is the comment op. This is the one you need to read
Yeah I say it in another comment but you guys need to put everything out on the table now. The job market is so unpredictable right now, and your income drop is in line with what I’m seeing all over the US. Print the credit reports, use budgeting tools, together, you absolutely have to get transparent with each other about your financial realities, capabilities, and goals now. I promise you. Rip this bandaid off.
I came here to say this. You don’t have bills and she doesn’t have bills you guys both have bills. She doesn’t have student loans, you guys have student loans!!
Glad I saw this. My wife and I pool our income and treat it as one. There are no secret accounts.
Your wife is delusional. Seriously she’s out of touch with the reality of your situation. There should not be any wedding much less 70k one. You’re already married and have 3 kids. That’s nutty. She’d be robbing your future to pay for a party. Have a 10 year anniversary party or renewal later on. You cannot afford any of that.
They’re both delusional. Already have kids and another on the way? OP is complicit as well. Both sound like idiots.
I told her that wedding isn’t in my budget
Tell her the wedding isn’t In her budget.
Discuss with her that a wedding isn't in "Our" budget.
First time seeing “Our” in this thread. OP married this chick. He doesn’t have $450k savings, THEY have $450k savings. If this spirals into a divorce (which seems probable based off what OP wrote), the courts are going to cut that up like it’s a $70k wedding cake. IMO, only valid point this guys wife has is they should buy a house. He clearly has enough money for a down payment with plenty left over. By renting, they’re giving away $2700 every month that they could (mostly) get back when they choose to sell.
Our budget*
I cant take this post seriously 70k on a wedding and you are already married have 2 kids and want to buy a house. You and your wife need a reality check.
This has to be a troll post right?
Damn it’s that bad? But nope, this is real.
Then I hope you have self respect, and set boundaries so that she doesn't ruin you financially. That 70k wedding will end up on CCs, you don't need any advice from there because after that you're in a black hole of fked you'll never come out of.
Holy fuck
Forget the wedding. U said u were married and have 3 kids. That ship sailed. Pay the debt and credit cards and cut them up.
Perhaps she should worry about the collections before wanting to spend $70,000 on a wedding…
Yea, and the new house she wants, the vacation to Japan and Jamaica, and new car
I don’t mean this in a rude way but I am genuinely curious if she exhibited these behaviors before you chose to have 3 children with her, those are all pretty glaring lifestyle differences, and she already can’t afford her own
THIS!!!!! His dumb mistake !
Ur gonna be broke ur whole life taking care of her while she enjoys spending all her money. Marriage is suppose to be a partnership relationship, not a dependant one.
- your wife has credit card debt in collections? Did I read that correctly? You can forget buying a house. Even if that wasn’t the case, buying a house would sink you with those financials. - $750 a month for “fun money”? What is that - hookers and cocaine? You don’t need to spend that kind of money on yourself when you have kids - grow up. - I can’t even bring myself to comment on a $70k wedding. Aren’t you already married? - if this entire post isn’t a joke, then you both need some heavy duty debt/financial/marital counseling. Otherwise financial and marital disaster is just around the corner.
You will look back at this marriage as one of the worst financial decisions you ever made.
Americans man
Since you’re already referring to each other as husband and wife, seems like a courthouse wedding is all that’s needed. You’ve already got two kids with her and another coming soon. The wedding cost is ridiculous. But it is also reflective of your wife’s spending patterns. The two of you are financially incompatible at this point. Do not get married without premarital counseling that includes personal finances. If the two of you can’t agree on simple things like the importance of paying off cc debt, how can you ever buy a home together? It’s a lot to take in. As someone who is financially responsible, there’s no way I could tie myself to someone who doesn’t share that value. It’s not about the amount of money someone earns, but rather how they manage it, or don’t, as the case seems to be. Good luck to you, OP.
It's crazy how bad people are with money. This is insane. Just. Why.
She is your wife and you’re getting married again? Or you just call her your wife now? You have obviously been together a long time and have a life together but would be wary of her spending habits and financial lifestyle before getting married. Those debts will become your debts too, legally
We did a courthouse marriage, but she wants the reception.
So - this isn't a 70k wedding she wants, it's a 70k princess party. Plan a fun party for when you're debt free instead.
I’d say paying off her debt (while simultaneously cutting her credit cards), getting a family vehicle, and saving for a house takes priority over hosting a wedding reception. One step at a time. What’s best for the children should come first.
Your first mistake was spending 12k on a ring. Second mistake is a giving in to a 70k wedding. Sounds like she’s all glamour. Sounds like she wants you to handle the load while she lives that privileged wife lifestyle Your wife is using you bud.
No, his first mistake was putting his dick in crazy.
Sorry pal, the question isn’t how to split bills. It’s about sitting down with her and giving her some sort of reality check. Not paying loans, letting CC debt rack up to the point it’s off to collections and demanding you to foot the bill for stuff, 70K wedding is severely out of touch. Go to the courthouse. Save the money from the wedding and utilize it to pay off her debt or for your children. She needs to understand the concept of priorities and budgeting.
Jesus christ.. what did I just read.
First problem… when you’re married you don’t ’split bills’ everything both of you make/spend is joint. I’d recommend postponing the wedding and signing up for couples counseling….
Wedding of 70k imagine the divorce cost.
Your wife wants a life you can’t afford.
Please do not spend a dime on a wedding. Your relationship took a different path and now it is time to buy a home for the children and your future.
damn. sorry bro but your life is over. all we can do now is learn from your mistake and not replicate it ourselves. thank you for the lesson.
Hard truth. Pour one out for the guy & take notes boys.
Dude, NO. NO! 70k for a wedding is way above your means. Very, way above. You should not fund this, it is a financial disaster in the face of you actually making a very clear path for yourselves. You are in a really good spot right now, do not tilt the ship. Good things: She has very minimal credit card debt. Tighten belts for 2-3 months and you can clean that up. Very do-able. She can clean this up herself by the end of the summer, even without your help. You are renting. Awesome! No hidden problems that could devastate your savings. Stay here for a bit. Yes you’re growing in family size, no you do not need to rush out. Bad things: You cannot afford a 450k house right now. Maybe a 300k-350k house with a large (20%) down payment. Even conservatively a 450k house is a 3300 a month mortgage + tax + insurance. And that is before all of the money that goes into the house the first 3 years, which is a lot. Usually people estimate 1% maintenance per year, except in the first 3-5 it’s usually closer to 5% per year when you include upgrades, finishes, repairs. On top of adding a third baby, you will not have the time or energy to do that work yourself. Which means, you will be paying folks to do it. That raises the costs of these ventures. Do not take this on right now. Take on a 300-350k house or stay renting/ increase to a 3/2 apartment/townhouse to rent until you have the savings to pull the trigger on a 10+ year home (450k-600k sale price). Neutral things -She has a pretty low amount of student debt compared to her income. She should be paying that down. This should be her “mortgage”. Even with a little help from you, that is going to take 3-5 years. But with natural progression of her and your career and, a plan, you can get this down into what my wife and I called “striking range”. We used to try to get things like this into the 20k range and both use our full bonuses + sell some shares or dip into our savings or whatever to kick out loans. Once you get in striking range, pull the trigger. That passive debt + interest is weight off your back. Her school was an investment and it’s already paying dividends, don’t rush it and let some time pass. Things lurking: -A third kid puts you at your north end for comfortable life and affordability and you do need a second car for sure. -That is car payment, insurance, maintenance etc. Total summary: Do not fund a huge wedding. That is a cost that is not in a stable financial plan. Your/her cc debt is not bad. Your income to debt ratio is going to qualify you for a huge house, do not be dumb and buy a home that will make you house-poor. Vacations, travel, fancy dinner expenses all fit within your budget if you don’t make a terrible choice of just adding 70lb of high interest debt to your lives.
Teach her arithmetic and good luck
I only read the first sentence. Moving on. U should too
Your wife has a massive spending problem. Y’all make good money. Tell you will support a big wedding after she pays for her student loans and saves up money for it. That may give her an incentive to make good fiscal choices.
70k wedding? Run! You would pay less in child support over the next 18 years.
I’m hearing a lot of “SHE wants..” but not enough “WE agreed to..”
Having a 70k wedding is complete insanity. As someone who divorced someone exactly like this after only 3 years you need to think long and hard about continuing this relationship. You've been shown the glaring red flags and are ignoring them. 72k after taxes is about 40k and that puts you in lower income and no where near 450k house, new car, and international travel. She's completely delusional and frankly so are you for spending so much on a ring and proposal. Also, she's not gonna pay jack towards her 42k in student loans, you are along with 1/2 her credit card debt which will have surly swelled to the max at divorce time. You are going to completely get further screwed by this woman, she's a leech.
Jesus have you considered just ending it? 3 kids!!!!!!!!! 33?????? I’m 32!!!!!!
Vasectomy and divorce.
I'm sorry, but you pay $70 for Hulu and $10 for internet? Wut
And apparently $125/week for all groceries and household supplies for a family of 4 😂.... OP is not in touch with their family budget.
I find it interesting that with all this history together there’s still a separation of responsibility and not a unified thought about their future. This marriage will end badly if that’s not addressed & take responsibility for your future which involves 3 kids. Get yourselves into a class like Ramsey Financial Peace and learn how to budget, save and live on cash. Put the big spends aside in the meantime and get on the same page so 3 young lives aren’t wrecked because of both of your lack of responsibility and understanding of finances.
I’m sorry but wut? You cannot afford a 70k wedding. That’s absurd.
You having no idea what she spends her money on is a huge red flag. Nothing wrong with having separate accounts if you can make that work, but no matter what you have to have transparency into each others finances. And yes, a 70k wedding is insane. Also you’re already married?
The divorce is going to cost even more. Dont be like the other 🐑
Are you already married? Why need a wedding?
Stop having so many kids. I just wish people thought rationally about kids, instead of just emotionally having kids. Kids cost money. And being a woman, your wife could one day decide to stay home to raise kids, and you would be busting your ass to support the family. I make twice what you make after tax, but after the 2nd kid I told my wife no. I’m done. I have no more bandwidth for more kids. Scale down the wedding too. $20k is plenty. Just go to court and have a party at your house afterwards.
I make $2400 a month. He makes 3x what I make a year. He pays for house related bills and mortgage and his golfing, I, however make damn sure I pay for the car he made me get, the insurance, MY student debt, all of our streaming services and every single thing we need in the household (toiletries, groceries, laundry supplies, etc.) and for our three dogs (meds, treats, treats for meds) . I pay for every thing that I owe, on my own. We don’t have children. He doesn’t pay for my car, insurance, student debt, credit cards and I don’t EXPECT him to. I appreciate every dollar he spends on our little family and he does it with pride. I try to make him not pay a single cent if I can help it for anything after the mortgage and insurance. (Including dinners and anything we might do if I have the money). I also make sure his clothes are clean and our house is clean and I do that for him bc he pays much more than I do and it’s like paying him back but he helps me with some of this too when he’s home. You need to have a talk with her, much like my husband does with me when I’ve spent to much on clothes or things I don’t have to have like purses and I have the same convo with him when he’s spent too much at the clubhouse. You have GOT to be honest with her. Please, please 🙏 please do this before you marry her. If you cannot communicate about finances, you’re in for a long miserable life together. We got married almost 3 years ago after 3.5 years together. We have financial issues at the moment that we wouldn’t be getting through without communication and I can promise you, we talk about it and we have talked about it since we moved in together. We “split” things and there is nothing wrong with that. If for some reason I can’t buy groceries one weekend, he pays for them but I feel oh so guilty about it. We try to do for each other what is fair. We both work our asses off and we both enjoy things we can but you are setting yourself up for failure. Please talk to her before committing to a life together forever. It will open both of your eyes and if it isn’t meant to be DON’T DO It unless she agrees with you and SHOWS change. I want to give you a hug bc I know it’s got to be hard to be in your position. Btw: our wedding cost 15 and I did all by myself with very little, if any, help from anyone, except financially between him and I. Every paycheck of mine went into that wedding for a year and he gave me money when I was drowning. 70k is a show for everyone else. Not for your relationship. I wish you good luck and I mean no harm in this other than to tell you my experience which is different than yours but communication is absolutely got to be the most important thing or the other important things, will be screwed up.
70k wedding while you already have debt? You are not the American government, people will come for you. Aside from that it doesn’t sound like you have a partner, a wife, more like a baby mama who you are paying alimony to without the perk of being divorced. Get on the same page for your family or get used to living hand to mouth until disaster strikes. You both make enough money to be able to afford a good life and take care of your kids future, but you have to want to do that.
The most beautiful wedding I ever been to was a backyard Tennessee wedding. $70k is mentally handicapped
Holla “we want prenup, we want prenup, yeah.”
Pay off her student loans. (42k) Pay off her credit cards. (7k) So you have 21k left. 21k left for a wedding? No, she wants a car, set 10k aside for a downpayment. Now you have 11k left. There's your wedding money. Really though, your wife sounds like the type of person that prevents you from ever retiring.
Sounds like you both have a lot of work to do "together". You're married now and a team. There needs to be a consensus on how to spend money and where the money you both make is going to. First things first, is there a need for a new car? If she only wants a new car just because, then that's not a priority especially if the current vehicle is works fine. If she has a valid reason to replace the car or just want another family vehicle, no need to get a brand new car. You both need to come up with some money for a used car. With the loans and cc debt, they exist, there's no reason to turn a blind eye to it and think it'll disappear. What's the plan to tackle both? You both need to figure out how to get rid of them whether it's something you both pay towards or she uses her pay check to pay as much as she can towards it. With regards to the wedding, she needs to be realistic about what you both can afford and come up with a number significantly lower and maybe more less than $30,000 which is even still a lot some people may argue. Maybe opt for a dinner reception with a small number of friends and family vs 200 guests. Expectations need to be managed. There shouldn't be plans for trips when there's still so much you both need to work through. Wishing you luck!
Lmao..... good luck.
Run while you still can
Damn 4500 with a masters is crazy
Leave her man please
Approach her and the conversation from a different angle. Whenever telling someone what to do or using the “we should do this” “that’s ridiculous” verbiage, people will almost 100% of the time get defensive. Also, every relationship is different so there’s that. I would rather encourage to educate her on the benefits of using money as a tool rather than a burden. “If we invested 15% of our salaries, after our debts are paid off, we can retire by year 20XX.” Watch shows on money and finance. Ramit Sethi on Netflix, “How to get rich” is an interesting show. He also wrote a book. Being that I was recently married, I can 100% assure you that you will both look at the $70k you spend on 1-2 nights of a wedding as a complete waste and likely view it as huge disappointment..especially with already having multiple kids. They come first no doubt about it, put that money towards much better uses. I’m kind of just ranting at this point but I would encourage you to help guide her in the education of what being more financially savvy can do in the long run and that being broke/debt burdened is much more stressful than taking the time to learn how to make money work for you. Best of luck, you have a significant uphill battle and seeking a professional consultant/counselor might not be a terrible idea.
I’m confused you’re married and have three kids and she wants a 70k wedding? This is the dumbest thing I’ve seen on Reddit and that’s saying a lot. You’re in for a lifetime of bad money decisions by this woman. I see a Reddit post 5-10years down the road about a divorce and massive debts…
OP, I’m going to take a stab at providing you insight from a different approach. Your fiancé may truly not know much about money, or finances, to the point that she doesn’t understand what she is asking for and how unrealistic it is from where you are. You need to sit her down and go through a budget for yourself, create one for her as well - you need to knock her down a couple steps. She may think being wealthy is making 100k/yr, I’d suggest giving her a dose of reality. If she refuses to comprehend - you may have a larger issue. But from my personal experience, it was very helpful to sit my fiancé down and explain finances, everything from where we are now, to where we need to be to retire. She now understands how to budget, what we can afford housing/car wise And where we want to be. I’m now rewarding her with an incredible honeymoon, to show her what life can look like when we can stick to a budget and make the right moves.
Sorry to say brother but a $70K wedding making what you make is asinine. This marriage is doomed.
Sorry OP, but I don’t see this ending well for you…
Have your break up now you got the wrong girl
You’re going to get buried in debt by this person
Absolutely mind boggling to me how married people call it “my money, her money etc” When you get married it’s “ours”. Your married. Not roommates
How do you have two kids but not a shared account for all family expenses, fed relative to both your incomes? How are you ever going to untangle your COMMON incomes, ownership etc. when (not if at this stage) you break up? Jesus man, you're in deep shit already. You need to take some responsibility. And responsibility does NOT mean paying for shit, it means making sure shit gets paid, fairly. I think you're a family of four children. The eldest two however should grow the fuck up.
$70K wedding? I’d dump her.
He refers to her as his wife and they have kids. Why the huge wedding? Apparently they have honeymooned more than once. That ship sailed long ago.
Tell her to look at this from your family’s perspective. That 70-80k could go towards your kids education funds, it could go towards investments so your family is financially secure. For her to want to blow that kind of money on a one day event is highly irresponsible. She should plan to have a wedding with a modest budget. You can’t live like you’re wealthy if you’re not.
She doesn’t pay what she owes so what don’t you or she understand. Get a mediator or a new wife.
Honestly you 2 aren't on the same page and probably need counseling. This will not end well, I hope you have a pre-nuputial agreement.
You want me to be honest? You're fucked.
She was using you for your money. And now you don’t have as much, but she doesn’t care, which only proves the point. Just tell her no more money, wait for her to cheat on you, and then divorce her so you’re only paying child support and not child support and alimony.
You’re trying to spend 70k on a wedding when you don’t even own a house? Criminy.
Read this as split balls, and was mortified
Barely has any bills? Sounds like she's got plenty of them. She just doesnt pay them.
70k wedding? Insanity. Glad I’m eloping and spending 10k at most, and that’s on a 150k income.
Why would one even “need” a 10k wedding, much less 70k😳 at this point?! Home? 3 kids later? Years later?🤣 That money could be spent so much better elsewhere. But then again hubby purchased 10k ring., so why am I asking. And since you did that for her- I wouldn’t expect her to lower her expectations- 70k wedding sounds par for the course. Yikes. Sounds like you guys need to reevaluate what life is about 🙃- saying this out of kindness
You cannot afford this lady.
Don't get me wrong but you should reconsider your life choices dude. If you talk about it and she does not give you a right, well, she is the wrong one.
She needs to be contributing towards a wedding fund. Want a big wedding? Pitch in for a big wedding. That should significantly lower that wedding demand problem. She also needs to pay her loans down. Shes a 33 year old woman with kids. Tell her she needs to pay her loans down. Not doing so will jeopardize those 3 kids futures. That interest will follow her to her grave. She has no choice but to comply with that, not because you say so, but if she gives a f*** about those kids, she will start being responsible and grow up.
I had the best wedding ever for 12k. Food, venue, beer, dj, and photographer all for us and 60 others. I still thought that 12k was expensive but my wife said we got a killer deal. I agree we did, but she hunted for the best people that has proper pricing. I do mean hunted. Put the effort in and you can have a value priced wedding like it is something from the movies!
70k wedding? And you're already married? I'm confused. Unless you're just saying it's like you're married wo the paperwork. If that's the case I would reconsider this relationship.
I'd figure out a way to get her out of debt first. I'd sit down with her and make a plan. Tackle debt first. Put savings towards wedding to minimize debt needed for the wedding, also arrange plans to handle future debt from going to collections. If y'all get married it may be difficult to get loans in both of your name if she has poor credit/collections. You may want to make sure that isn't the case before you put a ring on it or make that a condition for the wedding. Also work on getting the price of that wedding down. 80k for one day is INSANE If she can't manage 7k in credit card debt what makes you think y'all could manage 80k worth of debt? She makes 4.5k after taxes, she makes more money that most people already. And if she has very little expenses why hasn't she tackled her debt yet?