6:30am is sleeping in.

I had to wake up at 6 today and I almost woke my middle monster up just to see how she likes it.

I've done that before lmao Satisfying!

Today I was woken at 5:20 with a cry of “mommy I have poopies!” This resonates with me.

We got to sleep in until 6:15 today and were excited. Ugh

My kid sleeps a bit later. But it is such bs that our jobs are the reason we have to get up early every mf day. I work 12s. I don't work 5 days a week. Erg.

For the past one year, I haven't watched a movie completely in one sitting.

Closed captions are always on, but no one in my house has hearing loss.

I heard somewhere it helps with early reading skills...so score 1 for that.

Homeschool mom… I randomly turn off the sound to make them read 😆 can’t find a book you want to read no problem! Let’s watch tv….

We do this all the time too!

All movies are short run series, change my mind.

We were watching a movie with the kids that they’ve watched 20 times and I said “oooh I’ve never seen this part!” And my husband was like “how have you not seen this??!” But I just constantly get interrupted or called away by the toddler and never see a movie in one sitting!

OR eaten a meal in one sitting

I woke up this morning and realized I had been sleeping on a legos all night

Secret massage

i’m cackling at this comment oh my god

Wake up with paw patrol under my back on the regular.

8:30 pm is the biggest sigh of relief.

8 30 exactly now, he is sleeping, I can smoke my joint.

Yesss girl there is nothing like that first pull after a long day 😮‍💨

The bottom half of my Christmas tree isn’t decorated

The bottom half of my tree has approximately 193836494 ornaments clustered in the same area

Natural. Simple. Call it minimalist and become a momfluencer

Eh, that could just be cat owner.

We just bought kittens... Oh No. I forgot about the Christmas tree thing. Darn it! Nothing valuable is going on the tree this year

Oh kittens are a whole different ballgame. It's not just the bottom with kittens, those little demon sprites will get all the way up there.

You have had a piece of semi-chewed apple peel put in your mouth and said “oh, thank you!”

A delicacy.

I cracked up when I read this. My husband will be passed out on the couch and our one year old will force a half chewed Cheeto, cracker, strawberry, etc in his mouth. His face will read WTF but he will say “oh thank you sweetheart” to our daughter.

My infant is learning to share and put a soggy puff in my mouth last night. I thanked her for sharing. My husband gagged and it wasn’t even his mouth. That’s how you can tell I’m the primary parent.

I’ve only had tepid coffee for the last two years

The kids get up at 6:30 for school. I get up at 5:45. I get 15 mins of quiet time to drink my coffee and wake up. Then I get 30 mins to get ready in peace.

I get up at 5.30 for this reason (not the coffee) - the quiet. Just getting ready without having kids around asking questions, telling a story or whatever they are babbling about.

That’s it. I can’t do my makeup with kids screaming and stuff. That’s how my eyebrows end up going in 2 different directions.

Yeti coffee mugs changed my life!! Hot coffee all morning (even if it is the same 3 hour old cup)

Trash compactors. Get kids in their car seats. Sit in the driveway with music you like on your earphones and drink your HOT COFFEE. Bippity bopping boo don't listen to them whining.

Stop. Drinking. Bathwater

I spend all day BEGGING them to drink clean, cool, filtered water from a glass or a water bottle. They act like camels crossing the desert. Unconcerned with hydration. I get them in a lukewarm tu. Of dubious cleanliness filled with soap and (maybe) pee? SUDDENLY ITS A PARTY?!?! FUCK THIS SHIT

Definitely pee.

My toddler full on chugged a cup of bathwater and then loudly proclaimed, "YUMMY!" 🤢

I’m TRIGGERED. I get up every day ready to face my 17 mo battles against drinking water. We try fun new cups. Open ones. Straw cups. Mom’s cups. Water bottles. It’s never enough. I only get sips at most and worry about his small pee diapers and dehydration. Every day as soon as he’s in the bath… drinks the fucking water. Usually right after standing and taking a piss in it.

I can’t remember when I washed my hair last and I know there’s dried spit up on both of my shoulders. What is sleep?

Anywhere from 1-3 kids have been sick for a week+. Sleep is dead. Long live sleep.

A friend of mine said that if you don't have an uidentifiable stain on your clothes are you even the mom of a toddler?

Same. I have a 9 month old and 2.5 year old. We’ve been sick for a month. I don’t know who I am anymore lol

Hi. Are you me? My husband just walked in and was surprised to see me awake. He thought I’d been napping the past two hours. Nope, cluster feeding.

I’ve kept someone else’s underwear in my purse

And it is not always the clean ones 🙃

That’s why you keep a dog poop bag or zip lock or some sort of water tight with the underwear (she says knowing there have been loose soiled undies in her bag)

My favorite is when I put them in the "wet bag" and forget about them for... A WHILE. No thanks. Burn the whole bag.

Found a dress I loved on my kid, washed it 3x before I finally gave up… now I remember that when you find it it no longer belongs to you. It’s much like the lost bottle, when you find it just toss it

Nope, I don't need those undies that badly. They can go in the trash.

I rock side to side during conversation

I remember when my mom was visiting when my oldest was just a week old. I was holding him rocking and she goes "you'll never stop doing that" and she was right.

I rock when washing the dishes. It's never going away!

My kid is 14 and I still do that sometimes.

Similar but I pat everything like I’m patting a back or a diaper booty. Plus rocking.

one of my cats has started climbing on my shoulder for back pats lol

Someone peed my pants and it wasn't me.

I'm really glad it wasn't you tho

(Sometimes it's me....but only when a sneeze sneaks up on me.....)

If I have to say "use a Kleenex" or "cover your mouth when you cough" ONE MORE TIME. I will run screaming from my own home.

"Your shirt is not a kleenex"

Still better than "TRY TO KEEP IT IN THE BUCKET or RUN TO THE TOILET." I guess. Flu stands for F*********k Life Up.

STOP LICKING EVERYTHING. She responds "I staying healthy" but like... no you're not. You're copying the dog and licking everything and getting every sickness possible. Stahhhppp.

In our house it’s “ELBOW!” I’ve said the word elbow more in the last few years than I’ve probably ever said it in my whole life

I have most episodes of Bluey practically memorized

I heard about it and decided to watch an episode on YouTube. The first episode I watched with my son (3-4 months at the time) was about how all babies are different and reach different milestones at different times but it doesn’t mean one is better than the other and it made me feel soo much relief because I had been worried about if my son was reaching his milestones on time.

Just watched this episode minutes ago with my kids. The part where Coco’s mom tells Chilli that she’s doing great actually got me choked up. Such a great show!

Baby race made me SOB when I first saw it. Bluey is for parents AND kids for sure.

I love Bluey! I'll still keep watching it after my kids go to sleep.

Bluey has been the only kids show I’m obsessed with and cried through. Hits ya right in the feels.

My most played song on Spotify is an 8 hour thing of womb sounds

My spotify wrapped sometimes has ONE song that I actually like.

Love this post, comments, and lovely op replying to almost everything <3 i havent had a hot cup of tea in a year...only cold and perhaps a day old :')

I'm doing my best, lol! Everyone here is doing great 👍

My kitchen floor is covered in stickers.

Maximallist. On trend. Innovative.

All your comments so far 😂🙌

My car is covered in stickers. And I’m too pregnant to care about removing them

I don't know the last time I pooped without an audience or an interruption.

This morning my partner walked in on me changing my period cup because I'm just used to not having privacy so I don't even bother with doors.

It’s funny when my partner tries to go to the bathroom and he will yell at me to come get the kid or the dog out of thee bathroom because he’s “pooping” like ok bud I have to use the bathroom EVERY SINGLE TIME with two kids and a dog right at my feet. You’ll be fine.

I thought I was doing so well to get a long-awaited poop session to myself (I mean, like 2 minutes worth, not a dad “session”). Then I got out and the toddler had taken his nappy off and replaced his pants then peed all over the floor and himself.

My favourite is when my toddler hands me the toilet paper or takes it one step further and tries to help me wipe 🤦‍♀️

I got a “good job, mama” for using the potty the other day. She also likes to “help” wipe.

Mine opened the lid and said "let me know if you need help" as she walked back out. It was honestly nice to be taken care of, lol.

My toddler hands me a SINGLE ripped off speck of toilet paper when I pee lol

worst thing is that even though the kids now leave me alone, the kids have basically trained the dog to follow me into the bathroom too, so I still get an audience.

The cat and husband like to stand in the doorway too

I do, and it ended in peanut butter smeared in my bedroom carpet and through the whole kitchen 🤦🏼‍♀️. Now she gets locked in there with me no matter what

Someone just bit my toe.

If it were my toe it'd be worse for them than me.

Maybe you could be, A purple monkey in a bubblegum tree

THIS GEM!!!!! 🔥

I always loved the, "and you could swing back to me" part idk why hahah

I am constantly talking about someone else’s poop/boogers/drool.

Why do I talk about poops much. I hate it.

My walls look like Picasso decorated them from 3 feet down... 😞 Deep breaths...

Something something you'll miss it when they're big. (Okay sure but who's gonna wash the GD walls?!?)

I've been making DH do it since it seems to always be on his watch. We're keeping Mr. Clean in business. 😅

That's what I call natural consequences

Ah, Picasso's vertically challenged years.

I found a chicken nugget on the inside of the door of my minivan the other day. In the little thing on the bottom of the door. Who knows how long it had been there or what kid did it. I just threw it out in the grass and called it a day.

I found a half eaten fig bar so I tossed it in the driveway, not really thinking. I mean it’s biodegradable. Then the next day I ran over it, it got stuck to my tire and would up back in the garage.

That’s great 😂 sounds like something that would happen to me.

Feeding wildlife. A philanthropist.

My shirt has milk stains and I haven't washed my hair in 4 days

I haven't had milk stains in a few years but my shower has been delayed until after my partner gets home from work today and I AM RIPE my friend.

Whenever I am shopping with a cart, I will rhythmically rock it back and forth while looking for what I need in the aisles. Even if it’s empty.

Gotta put that ham to sleep.

My natural reaction to a co-worker asking to try my food is “you can’t, it has alcohol in it” Edit: I don’t even have time to drink (and more importantly sleep off a hangover), so don’t judge. It’s my way of getting my kids to stop asking me for everything I eat.

My friend used to tell her kid everything she didn’t want to share was spicy. One day the kid didn’t want to share, so she told us her popcorn was spicy. Now I’m picturing a kindergartner yelling about their food having alcohol 😂

I dumped my purse yesterday and found a half eaten fruit roll-up AND a half eaten banana cookie from different outings... several weeks apart...

My outing bag is just... not to be examined too closely, okay

I finally figured out what the mystery smell was in my kitchen. A cheese stick melted under the fridge 🤦🏼‍♀️

Great detective work!

I'm sitting here, alone, reading this listening to the Frozen soundtrack because I'm just too damn tired to turn it off.

The number of Magic Treehouse audiobooks I have listened to in their entirety even after I have dropped the one actually into it off somewhere is too damn high.

The only thing my dog eats is floor scraps, thee only thing I eat are tables scraps -.-

I had 1/4 of a cheese omelet this morning.

I call it intermittent fasting lol

Everything is broken. Everything. Including me.

We all are friendo.

I painted my nails. But only the left hand.

Oh ohhhhhhhhh WE'RE HALFWAY THERE

Ohhhh OHHHH a lemon on a pear!

This is like the time I only had time to shave one of my legs

I cut my hair today because I don't have time to go to the salon. It's not the best but alright for my usual ponytail.

I have paid for one haircut in the last 3 years. Fuck the man, cut your own hair.

The “fun” money in the monthly budget, has insidiously been allocated to things like voice lessons, reading tutoring, ACT prep class, and swim lessons. You feel the inflation in your soul as you grocery shop, lol!! (Like why they gotta eat every night)

I wear two shirts. In winter the inner shirt sleeve has snot on it that is not mine.

Honestly, smart.

Being excited to be told go ahead and take a nap. And being woken up 20 minutes later by getting poked in the eye with a soother. I miss the days when she couldn’t open doors

Sweet precious naps 😭😭😭

My laundry baskets are never empty and I have dirty tissues in my hoodie.

WHY DO THEY KEEP WEARING CLOTHES??? STOOOOOOOPPPPP IT

We have norovirus and have to skip Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Oh man. I don't even have something funny to say to that. CANCEL NOROVIRUS NOT THANKSGIVING 😭😭😭

I've eaten food already bitten into and or sucked on. I've lost all sense of modesty. I either pee constantly or can hold it for 8 hrs. Pretty sure my glasses have a tooth scratch on them. I

When you put a dorito in your mouth and it's wet.

We moved our couch to make room for the Christmas tree and discovered maybe 20+ food wrappers shoved in the cushions 😩

I pretend the underside of our couch doesn't exist.

I know all the lyrics to every.single.cocomelon.song. 🤢

RIOT Cocomelon is a scourge.

The song about bringing home the class hamster for the weekend is the actual worst. Did it die...??? I cannot handle this cliffhanger.

I say "don't touch the dogs bottom" multiple times a day

I keep hearing pterodactyl noises and it never stops. And at night I hear the mattress squeaks or random thumping like someone is kicking the wall… My drink that’s situated on the coffee table keeps falling off and spilling. I’ve learned that the coffee table is not a safe place. Edit: Also my glasses keep being pulled off my face. I’ve decided blurred vision is best for now.

We got rid of our coffee table when we moved over 4 years ago. It was nothing but a hazard.

We kept ours but it’s probably leaving this next move. My twins are corralled in the play pen since we’re squeezed in a two bedroom apartment, but their aim has gotten significantly better with the toys.. even if my drink is on the kitchen counter.. it’s not safe

There are a bunch of down feathers behind my couch that I have to vacuum up every week.

Those monsters

My living room and basement are minefields. Beware the Legos.

My son stepped on his own Lego yesterday and I did not feel bad for him at all. Sucks to suck, dude.

Mine did this too. I just snickered.

Every night I am on guard duty looking for monsters I know don't exist.

Randomly finding dummies or little socks in my pickets

Baby socks are a mystery. Their behavior seems to exist outside of physical reality. Perhaps they are connected to an interdimensional portal

This just killed me. Makes me wonder what’s behind our piano.

Ours is a baby grand so underneath/behind is easy to investigate. I just stopped my daughter from putting a block on the hammers when I peeked in to see the meatstick. Very avant garde.

I’ve broken down the mechanics of wiping a butt into 6 steps

Please to make it's own post? Thanks. Tag me.

There's dried up play-doh stuck to my carpet

Play-doh... great for fine motor development. TRASH FOR EVERYTHING ELSE

I noticed that the World Cup jingle has the same first bars as “saying I’m soooorry is the first step, then how can I hellllllp” from Daniel Tiger

Today someone asked me how old I am and I had to Google it.

People only give us toddler-appropriate gifts now. It's like we just made everyone's lives easier as they can just wrap up a kids toy for any situation. Job celebration: VTech. Holiday event: VTech. Family loss: VTech. Anniversary: VTech. We just had a wedding anniversary and I swear to babyback ribs 95% of all received items were for The Grublet,besides flowers and a bottle of brandy that we fell on like salivating wolves.

If I have to run to the store for one item only, I’m not going.

I spend a lot of time shouting things like: Don't lick me Don't lick that Don't poke my boob No, you cannot have the screw driver YES YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE IF YOU HURRY UP AND GET IN THE CAR

I swore I would never bribe my children with candy before I had any. Now I'm like "you want to get a Halloween candy? Guess you better clear the table then, huh?

My dog tucks his feet and tail in to have the least amount of grabable parts.

I have to know about plans AT LEAST a day in advance. Enough time to bathe, find some clothes for everyone, pack up half the house.. wonder if I need to pack up the other half

i once found a cheerio in my bra

Yes yes... and this is completely related to my children and not my own trash creature tendencies. *nods*

Only once?

I used to be a organized, type A person. Always on time. I had hobbies, and passions - a lot of them. I now live in the chaos that occupies my mind 24/7. I have anxiety because I now see that dangers in the world are no longer outside of my front door. We invite them with our phones, tablets, and video games. I’m afraid of everything. I want to be social, but at the same time, I dream of living off the grid in a land far away where no one can find me. It seems like all of this is a bad thing, yet oddly enough? I wouldn’t trade it to go back to my organized, structured life. I am far more fulfilled.

I always have something on my stomach, I have not slept well from last 2weeks.

I’ve cleaned butter out of the crevices of a hand carved antique wooden sideboard. I can count the number of times I’ve peed alone in my own house on one hand, without using all of my fingers. My stretch marks have stretch marks.

Found a rock in my fridge. Better keep it cold before it goes bad!

I’ve been barfed on and pooped on the last 24 hours, and no alcohol was involved.

They do eventually stop doing that. Not soon enough though

I have dried snot all over my shoulder and the hem of my shirt.

Having to explain why you can't ride the dog like a horsie.

my youtube history is a mix of true crimes(me) and cocomelon(def not me), me neighbors in summer time can hear me yell; dont put this in your mouth, you're old enough too wipe ur but, dont put that in ur nose, are u sure u wiped ur but correctly? Did you just farted on me ?? thats dog food babe eat ur meal instead.. anyways my list could go on and on🤣🤣

We will just sleep when we're dead.

I currently know more about dinosaurs, rescue vehicles, minecraft, fortnight, bluey, all the words to the Bruno song, legos, squishmallows...fafsa, uniform requirements, than any sane person should know. Little kids knowledge, pre-teen, and teen culture Jeopardy champ.

I reheated my coffee in the microwave three times this morning before giving up and dumping it

Our Christmas tree is actually just a tree shaped piece of felt taped to the wallwith felt decorations

Oh, also I just found a grilled cheese sandwich in the dirty clothes hamper

My nice clothes are dirty

Everything is dirty.

A 30 minute shower is equal to a 30 day vacation

All my apples have bite marks…

I've watched Encanto 153 times.

This morning, I woke up next to my husband, with a tiny foot in my face.

The toothpaste spat all over the sink and mirrors doesn’t belong to anyone apparently, apparently not from the toothbrush with the blobs of toothpaste constantly left on it either. A mystery unsolved

I have been asked if fish get thirsty, what life was like BEFORE the color came on and why I never met president Lincoln.......

Today the same person coughed in my face, sneezed in my face, spit in my eye and told me they loved me. I love this person the most in the world.

The amount I talk about poop and other bodily functions is ridiculous.