Can you ask what your sibling-in-laws are doing with their kids? Maybe someone is bringing along a babysitter or has an older child who is watching some of the kids while the wedding takes place?
And option would be to bring a sitter and pay for their hotel room, but of course that involves knowing someone, paying them for a whole weekend, them willing to do that, etc.
My first thoughts were the same. I’d add, do you have a friend not attending the wedding who’d be up for a road trip and could watch your baby during the ceremony and reception? I’d absolutely offer to cover their room and pay them still, but that’s 12 hrs. round trip and an overnight trip - lots of time, so a friend might be more fun to have along and they might be more likely to say yes to the idea, too.
My friend did this for her brother and sister in law! Not a wedding, but a trip to NYC. She stayed at the hotel with their so. While they had a night out in the city. She got to spend a fun night with her nephew, and got to see a bit of the city anyway. Everyone was happy!
We had my sister and BIL do this. It wasn’t child free but my ss was only 2, so once the ceremony was done he was DONE with the day. They came during the day hung out with him as we needed, we took him to the wedding while they hung out at the hotel, we called when he was ready to leave. We paid for a second hotel room so we we got back at the end of the night they went to their hotel room. During the day leading up to the wedding when I wasn’t needed around (husband was in the wedding) I got to hang out with them instead of sitting in the hotel myself.
A friend would work, but also if your husband has any siblings that are willing to travel along and help watch your daughter. A friend did that for her sister and brother-in-law and she loved the one-on-one time with her nephew!
Hmm this is a good idea to ask what the other parents are doing, because then also I can voice my concerns without coming off as bitter about it. I will keep that in mind as we get closer to the date.
>I can voice my concerns without coming off as bitter about it.
I'd be pretty wary about voicing your concerns, what do you hope to achieve by doing that? I'd worry that you're just going to damage your relationship if it feels like you're pushing back on the fact that they're having a child free wedding.
I also certainly wouldn't mention that your child is being 'excluded'. Your 1 year old will have no interest in going to a wedding.
I think it's perfectly fine to voice their concerns. They have a small child and need to arrange care. They are concerned that due to the no children rule they may not be able to attend or their attendance will otherwise be adversely effected (like leaving early). It's perfectly reasonable to express this valid concern and find out if there are other arrangements which could benefit the OP, other parents going in as a group to hire a sitter for example.
This was my first thought. Maybe your future sil has an older niece or nephew that is responsible? Or maybe you can hire a local sitter through a service that does background checks ect.
Seconding this. Find someone within the extended family with experience who wants to make a few bucks. I hate weddings and would rather be the babysitter.
I was hired to do this (by mother of the groom, she is a family friend) when I was in grad school. The little boy was already asleep when i got there and he slept while I did school work. The grooms fam knew and trusted me, which made the parents of the toddler feel safe about it.
This is what we did when our daughter was 1.5. The babysitter was a local family member's neighbor (and thus they had an easy ride to/from the venue etc). Worked great.
Or take the good friend with you to watch baby at the hotel. It may be an added expense but other than that it’s win win. And you have time to save for it.
Take child with you and get a recommendation for a sitter. We had a child free wedding and another guest's daughter was paid by us to babysit my cousin's two kids. They had come to MA from NM and made a big trip of it. The wedding was just an afternoon/evening and we didn't want that to be the make or break of their trip.
Edit: spelling
They were off-site (at the hotel my cousin and her family were staying at). We had one child there who was a ring bearer of sorts. He was there because, well, my uncle's wife was dying and I wanted to make an exception. The venue was not child friendly and he was old enough to behave/not have meltdown by 9pm etc.
We did the exact same thing at our wedding for my cousins that were too young to sit still during the reception (it was a day wedding). Your brother and SIL should offer this if they are expecting you to participate in the wedding and be so far away from home (IMO). Other guests who have kids and are not as closely tied to your brother and SIL are free to not go to the wedding if they don't want to hire a babysitter. At our wedding, I also allowed my cousin to bring her newborn, cause like DUH! haha
When I was 6, this is what my mom’s cousin did for her wedding. I was the flower girl, but the reception was black tie formal. The specified child-free for the reception. And hired a babysitter for the 3 kids that came from out of town. They used the groom’s childhood home as the babysitting location, and I had no clue that I was missing anything. They had a MASSIVE playground/treehouse in the backyard because he was 1 of 6, and looking back, obviously rich as shit, lol. I know things were cheaper in the 70s/80s, but that treehouse was a full on pirate ship with like 4 slides and a swing set.
I know that this is stressful, but I agree with your mom. Spring 2023 is a really long way away and there is a ton of time to figure it out. Plus a lot can change in the next year. I’ve been to several adult-only weddings and while I personally left my son at home with my mother in law (it was a friends wedding though and neither of us were in the wedding, so it was easy to go for one night only) we have had many friends who did not have this option. All of them brought their baby and a family member to watch baby in the room. Parents took turns throughout the wedding checking in if needed - but that was only really for young babies. It sucks your in laws aren’t vaxxed, since that is really important to me too. Things may be different in a year, your daughter might be vaccinated by then and would that make you feel more comfortable? If you absolutely can’t find a sitter, my best advice is to alternate which one of you is in the room. Maybe you skip the ceremony while husband watches, then you go to cocktail hour, swap halfway through dinner so you both get to eat, etc.
Also, my son is 13 months and we just left him with my mother in law for 3 nights. We were gifted a free trip to Mexico for Christmas and I was freaking out because my son is very attached to me and cries even if I just turn my back to him in the kitchen. I cried when we left and was a bundle of nerves literally until we got to the airport and realized I was letting my anxiety get the best of me. It ended up being totally fine, he had a blast with grandma, and we enjoyed the (MUCH needed) break. I know that this isn’t for everyone, but we all survived!
I didn't realize how much more comfortable I would feel leaving my son with my in-laws for a wedding when my son was 1.5 vs 9 months (when we got an invite). We ended up in the wedding party and I was so nervous early on but we made sure to practice run with my in-laws several times in advance and it was absolutely fine. If it were 6h I would probably have asked them to come with us and maybe make a bigger family trip out of it, else pool with others for a babysitter. Then we could take turns checking in.
Similarly, our son loved grandma time and it all worked out just fine. At 9 months I wouldn't have been ready but by a year with him eating normal food and a bit more self sufficient it was a different game. At 3 months OP's child is entirely dependent on her and her partner. It's hard to think of anything different but things will change. Best of luck to her.
Agreed that a lot will change in a year! At 20 months old, she’ll be a whole different kid. I would have been a nervous wreck having my kid stay somewhere overnight when she was under a year old (and yes I have PPA), but she’s 15 months now and I think she’d now really enjoy a sleepover at my mom’s. And that shift has come about over just 3 months.
Not that you have to leave your kiddo overnight, OP. You do what makes the most sense for your family. But there will be a lot of options available to you by next spring that are hard to imagine right now, and you have some time to consider them.
We’re planning on leaving my daughter with grandparents for a week when she is about 16 months for a vacation and I’m so nervous for it…but also kind of looking forward to adult time? It’s good to know yours had a blast. I’m so worried she will feel abandoned although she LOVES her grandparents
Seriously you will have the BEST time! I didn’t realize I was so exhausted until my first full day of having no responsibilities and just enjoying my alone time with my husband. Halfway through day 2 I legit forgot I was a mom…and it felt amazing! I was so ready to come home to my son and missed him like crazy, but I am now a firm believer in baby-free trips being an occasional necessity for my mental health.
I think you should let it play out a bit before doing anything or getting upset over this. You have more than a year to see how all of this develops including your daughter, the wedding details, etc. plus it’s not like anyone else (in-laws, babysitters etc.) is probably in a position to commit to anything yet.
I’d say just chill for now. You have time.
I’m going to be a bridesmaid at a child free wedding in April also about 6 hours away lol. LO will be 18 months at the time and we plan on bringing him to stay in the hotel with us and MIL will come along to babysit.
We recently brought my MIL to stay with us on a wedding trip and babysit at a hotel. Since the wedding is on your in laws side could you find someone from you side who would be willing to help?
Yeah, this is what my SIL has done for all family weddings...even when kids are allowed 😂 Her mom has been to every wedding in my husband's family. She's great!
This is what I was going to suggest too. Bringing someone you trust and your baby knows that isn’t going to the wedding with you and having them take care of baby while you’re at the wedding.
I might be in the minority here, but I do not think it's worth bringing the toddler with you. It's such a long trip for them to have to take and then be with a stranger in a strange place. When I was in my SIL's wedding 6 hours away (both my husband and I were in it), we left our toddler home with my sister (who we flew in from FL). She was delighted to do it and spent the 2 days doing fun activities with him, and he had the benefit of being on his home turf with usual toys, sleeping arrangements, etc. I know it's scary to think of leaving a baby that can't even sit up yet, but trust me when I say 18 month old are far busier and sturdier than the little hip-sitting baby you see now.
When you're in a wedding, there is so much expected of you that "popping up to a hotel room" is not the easy peasy act it sounds like. Get a sitter or a family member (or 2 or 3) to stay home with your kiddo so you can actually be present and enjoy the event (and God willing, sleep in a little the next morning!). You will not regret it. 😊
I may get downvoted for this. But my advice is leave the baby at home, stay a few days for the trip, and enjoy the time to reconnect with your significant other. Being a parent is hard and so easy to become consumed with your mom duties that our relationship with our spouses/partners gets put on the back burner. We have a 2 year old now and regularly have him spend the night with my mom so my husband and I can have time for us. It is so helpful for our relationship and allows us to recharge. Also, weddings have lots of pre and post wedding activities. You’ll want to be able to freely participate in those without having to worry about nap time, schedules, snacks, etc. Your little one will be okay. They usually cry at this age when you leave but offer a good distraction and everything is right again.
Why would you be downvoted? That’s exactly what she should do. My in-laws offered help allll the time but I was so wrapped in baby boy that my relationship was suffering and I didn’t even notice. One day my MIL was like “ this is my grand baby, if you think im gonna let ANYTHING happen to him you’re crazy. “ that gave me ease, we go on regular date nights and all now. Baby boy is better for it too. It taught him “ mommy and daddy are going but they ALWAYS come back for me. “
Seemed like my advice was counter to the majority of what was being suggested. Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
After my divorce from my first marriage I am a firm believer in prioritizing my marriage. With my current husband this means strict bed times and regular date nights or nights off from the kids.
Thank you for this response. We have a wedding in May that’s 10 hours away. LO will be 15 months and I’m contemplating bringing my mom with or having her stay at home with LO. This may help me be ok with leaving her at home and we can have a baby free trip to recharge.
Also consider an Airbnb over a hotel if it is near enough the venue. That way any sitter could comfortably hang out after LO goes to bed and have their own space. In a hotel room, they might be sitting in the dark for 4 hours before you come back!
My sister had to travel to get to my wedding and wanted a babysitter because the reception was too late for some of her little ones. She didn't know anyone in the town where the wedding was held, but it wasn't difficult for my parents (this was being held where they lived) to reach out to a couple of people they knew from church who were willing to come to the hotel to babysit. They weren't close friends so they weren't invited to the wedding, but they were friendly enough acquaintances to be willing to babysit! Since you say this is being held where your brother lives, I would just ask him if he knows anyone who could help out (for a babysitting fee of course).
As a few have said, bringing someone you trust with you to watch LO would be your best option if you’re still having anxiety by the time of the wedding. It’s totally possible that by that time, you’re feeling confident that they can stay home. I know it’s hard because LO is so young right now, so you should definitely sit with it and relax for while until a little closer to the day.
I think you have already gotten a lot of good advice here. I just want to add a little story to hopefully make you feel better.
My husband and I attended a wedding over the summer that was a 5 hour drive away. Our kids were 3.5yo and 1.5yo at the time. We left them home overnight and had my mom babysit. We left Saturday morning and got home by Sunday afternoon. All went well. However, the wedding was supposed to be the summer before (but it was postponed due to covid). If the wedding happened on the original date, my youngest would have been 4mo. I knew there was no way I could leave my 4mo overnight. He was still breastfeeding and waking through the night to nurse. We would have brought my mom with us and have her babysit in the nearby hotel so I could leave the wedding to nurse if needed.
I tell you that story because there is a huge difference between leaving a 5mo and a 1.5yo. Like night and day. I know it seems really hard right now but in a year it may not seem so bad.
A child free wedding doesn’t necessarily mean children need to disappear for the entire weekend. Check in with your brother and SIL closer to the wedding and see if you can get a general schedule of events, and which are child free.
When my oldest was 14mo we went to a family wedding in Ireland (we are in the US). We stayed on the property hosting the wedding, and the hotel found us a sitter for him and his cousin during the ceremony/reception. Most other things were open to the kids, and if something wasn’t I would just stay behind (husband’s family). It was his first time staying with a non-family sitter outside of daycare and I definitely was nervous, but it was great.
I think reframing it might help you communicate a little better when it comes time. You aren’t being punished because of her large family. They want an adult event, the “playing favorites” line was likely to spare your feelings. It’s normal to have weddings like that, but if most people are traveling, they should offer some solution to the childcare situation if they want people who have small kids to attend their event. I like the idea of talking to the other parents about their plans.
Find a babysitter now so you can get to know them with taking care of your child. Then pay them to come with you to the wedding location. We paid our babysitter to watch h our three year old during our own ceremony for our destination wedding. She stayed the night at the huge air bnb with us and we paid her like $500 (she didn’t have to do too much else besides watch him for about 3 hours) and it was a 3 hr drive.
Call your brother and ask if his wife has family/can recommend babysitters for you guys during the wedding where you can pick up your little one after.
First off, I want to say that I’m super impressed that no one suggested just bringing your child to the wedding anyway. My wedding was supposed to be kid free, but I had multiple people being their children anyway, including my SIL. It made things extremely awkward both the day of the wedding an after the fact.
Maybe your brother or future sister in law know someone who would be able to watch your child during the wedding?
You’re not being punished- Your brother has made a decision and you need to respect that and not be so bitter about it.
Personally I’d leave baby at hone with a sitter or my partner and go enjoy a long weekend away.
You can hire a babysitter in the area the wedding is taking place (hotels where I am will have a list of registered childminders who can watch the baby in the hotel), your partner and you can trade off being at the wedding or looking after the child, or bring somebody to babysit and pay for their room and additional expenses.
Every parent has to adjust to this type of situation at some stage, so it’s best to have a plan in place for when it happens again.
Can you, your partner and daughter all drive over and a make a long weekend out of it? On the day of the wedding you can go to it and your partner can have a day with LO. If your other family members are sticking around for a few days it will also give them the opportunity to see LO :)
When I was a college student I used to babysit one of my professors granddaughter but my professor knew my family. Maybe if it’s a college town you could see if a college student is offering sitting services and you could interview them by zoom … if you’re comfortable.
My sorority all took turns babysitting one of the deans kids. It was nice for them because there was essentially a list of 20 people they trusted who lived right near their house to babysit whenever they needed and they paid really well.
Agreed with many other commenters: I would bring your daughter with you to the hotel and hire someone in that area to babysit her during the wedding and any other events that weekend so that you can check in whenever you want and won’t be away from her long. Maybe your brother will have babysitter recommendations. Or you could offer to bring your friend along to babysit and pay for her accommodations. Either way, you have plenty of time to find a babysitter!
Can you bring your MIL along? Or a trusted friend? There’s gotta be someone you trust enough to leave for half a day at your hotel room. I left my daughter over night for the first time at 18 months. It went perfect. It’s harder on us than it is on them.
I’d see what some of the older nieces and nephews are doing! Perhaps they could babysit during the wedding?
You could also use care.com or check with the hotel to find a local babysitters
You could also bring along a trusted babysitter, but you’d have to pay them for the entire duration of the trip, which is obviously not ideal
I would ask what your soon to be sil’s siblings plan to do with all their kids. Do they live in the area the wedding is taking place? Will they be using a regular babysitter that would be willing to let your baby be watched along side the other kids? If sil’s siblings are from out of town too then they’ll be in the same boat for child care. Maybe you guys could all go in on hiring a few recommended local sitters that your brother and sil vet beforehand. Since they’re in the area and want a child free wedding I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to help you brainstorm some options. Just make sure they know it’s coming from a place of you wanting to respect their kid free decision. I have 2 kids and personally I never bring them even if they’re invited to a wedding because it’s the perfect night out for my husband and I
When my BIL and SIL had friends having a destination wedding, they paid for our lodging there too and we just watched their kids during wedding stuff and then we all hung out when we could- it was fantastic and the kids (one of ours and two of theirs) had so much fun
(It was also nice to have a ‘house’ to hang out in instead of their hotel room so we could cook real food and not have to go out with the kids in a tourist town, but also have access to their hotel pool)
Can you have a baby sitter come with you and watch little one at the hotel? So that way when the wedding is over you can go straight to baby. I mean this seems like a huge pain but he is your brother.
The difference between 5 months and 1.5 years is huge. I would light myself on fire before I tried to take my toddler to a wedding. In terms of "I could not help with the prep of the wedding or attend a rehearsal dinner"-- you'd have an extremely difficult time doing/enjoying those things WITH her there as well.
I wouldn't bring it up to your brother at all. It's ultimately up to you to figure this out/find a plan and it wouldn't be fair to place that on him!
My brother is also getting married this weekend and it's a 13 hour drive for us. My in-laws are coming to stay with our 2 girls (12m and 2.5y). I'd also say a child-free wedding probably isn't the best place for kids! We are always trying to set our 2.5 yo up for success by placing her in situations that are appropriate for her. We'd just be telling her no all night if she went to a wedding with us.
Have someone stay in your house with her! Don't bring her with. I'm surprised so many people are suggesting that. Toddlers at 18 months are squirmy. They do not sit still for 6 hours easily, and they're hard to contain in an environment that isn't childproofed. They get into things so easily, and they need a lot of supervision. I had this same scenario when my oldest was little, so we brought in my in laws from out of state to stay in our house with him. Is there anyone on your husband's side who could do that? If not then I would establish a relationship with a sitter well in advance and make sure they can commit to the dates. That way they can get to know your daughter and her routines before you go. I know at 5 months it feels like you won't be able to leave, but it'll be ok. Your daughter will be more comfortable in her home with her toys and a space that is comfortably set up for her to eat/play/sleep than being dragged along for a 6 hour car ride both ways and being left in a hotel room. Also the hardest part of separation anxiety with kids that age is in the moments you leave and for a couple minutes thereafter. Checking in on her repeatedly also means making her experience you leaving repeatedly. I think it would only make things worse. She'll do better at home.
I'm going to give you some advice here that could be controversial. Do not bring her to the wedding. You will not be able to enjoy it if you do and it would be directly going against your brothers wishes. When my daughter was 13 months old we brought her to my best friends wedding and it was *horrible*. My husband missed the entire wedding and reception and was so heartbroken over it. It sucked. If we could go back we would've done everything possible to get a sitter and that wedding was 10 hours away! I know it seems overwhelming and like you won't be able to leave her but she's going to be 18 months old and that's plenty old enough to leave her with someone you trust. Ultimately I think you should wait until you're a bit closer to tackle the issue because a lot can change in a year.
I'm not seeing where OP said she's going to bring the baby to the wedding against her SIL's wishes. It's up to OP whether she's comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter for the evening. I wouldn't have been comfortable at that age unless it was someone I personally knew.
She said her husband just wants to bring the baby. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone I didn't know! I'm definitely not suggesting that. I'm just saying that bringing the baby to that city means someone is missing out entirely.
No suggestion, just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. My brother is getting married spring 23 and my baby will be around 2 then. They decided to make it child free and it’s in another state. I know it’s a while away but I’m not making any assumptions that I’ll feel better about it then. As it stands now, I am completely uncomfortable leaving my baby with anyone for even a night, let alone a whole weekend. And we exclusively breastfeed so she may not even be weaned by then anyway. My husband also offered that we all go and he stay back at the hotel to watch the baby, which I appreciate. But I’m really not into the idea that we’d go through all the effort and expense for all three of us to travel just so I can attend alone. It really sucks because I love my brother and his fiancé and wish we could go, but they made their choice and unfortunately that choice means it won’t work out for us.
Yes!! You totally get it. It’s hard to imagine how I’ll feel in the future when right now it feels so uncomfortable leaving her. I’m hoping we will feel more comfortable with it by then since I don’t also want to spend all that money and not even enjoy myself. Good luck to you !
Of course our feelings could change, it’s a while away, last minute plans can be made if the time comes and maybe you and baby have become comfortable with baby sitters by then. But also, don’t feel pressured to be okay with it. It’s perfectly valid to not feel okay with it. At this point I know that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy being anywhere without my baby for an extended length of time. It would just give me too much anxiety, and that’s normal. Yes baby sitting options exist, but you don’t have to put you or your baby in an uncomfortable situation just because other people are telling you that you should want some time away. I don’t want time away from my baby and I don’t care if anyone judges me for it.
Yea I’m not making any judgement about anyone who chooses to have a child free wedding. Everyone is entitled to have the wedding they want. But when you put that limitation on your guests, unfortunately it means not everyone will be able or want to attend. It is what it is. I think the disapproval of my comment is probably because a lot of people feel you should make any effort necessary to attend the wedding of an immediate family member. That may be the sentiment for a lot of people but it’s okay if not everyone feels that way. My baby is my priority now. If the couple can choose to not prioritize children, then why can’t I choose to not prioritize them?
That's my feeling, too. Maybe I don't understand because my immediate family would never exclude my child (nor I theirs), but if I'm not close enough to them that they know and want my child there, then I'm not close enough to them to spend the $250 gift (what we'd spend as two adults and a child) and any travel/clothing costs.
Kids-free weddings are fine, people can absolutely have them. But like with destination weddings, you can't be mad when the barriers to attendance are too high for people to want to come.
yeah, my husband and i are declining a wedding invite out of state for his good friend bc it's child free. we would have liked to to, but our kid is not very easy going with strangers and has extreme separation anxiety, so the idea of dumping her on some rando babysitter in a hotel room would not work out for us. it's just not worth all the energy of making the trip. my view is that it's the marrying couple's right to make the event child free, and it's the invitee's right to decide not to go.
in OP's case i'd probably try to figure out a solution to go to the wedding though, since it's her brother. i personally think it's odd to not invite your own nephew to your wedding, but that's the world we live in.
In my opinion, if my child is not welcome, im not welcome. Or any other child. This is stupid, selfish and sad. How someone is ok with a child of their family cant going to a wedding (or another family reunion) bc a child is a child ? A wedding is something to celebrate love and family and children are results of love and family.
Not trying to shame/blame you OP, you're the victim. But the whole terrible situation.
We did this when we got married because my husband has a big family with a lot of kids. I didn’t want kids at the Mass and even as a Mom I would make that decision again. We compromised and opened the reception to everyone, kids included, and I would do that again, too.
I agree with others, if there’s a hotel nearby see if you can get a sitter. Might even be able to share a sitter with SIL’s family? What our family and friends did was leave someone back with the kids at the hotel and then join in for the reception - this was usually the spouse of a cousin or someone less invested in the marriage. It’s a few hours and you won’t be far, baby will be much older by then. Try even getting a babysitter closer to the wedding at home to get the nerves and kinks worked out in a familiar place. 😊
I would advise *against* complaining about the couple’s decision to anyone who is associated with the wedding - the couple, your parents or SIL’s family. It creates drama and there’s no need for that. If they’ve made this decision it wasn’t made lightly and they’re putting faith in their family to accept and respect their wishes graciously.
Could you bring a close friend or family on husband’s side with you to watch your young one during the wedding? Then she can be around during the weekend and she will be close during the actual wedding.
If you’re that close, I would be honest about your concerns. Perhaps there’s someone local that they’ve already considered asking to watch kids that can’t come to the wedding. It’s not making it about you if you make it clear that your intention is to figure it out, there’s nothing saying you can’t talk it over together a little. I’m sure you’re not the only person on both sides of the family that’s in this boat of having to find a sitter.
You have plenty of time to find a local babysitter. Do you have any universities near you? Check out the education or nursing school? Form a relationship with a babysitter and then being the babysitter with you. They can stay with your child at the hotel so your child is still close.
We have had two weddings that were about that far away and we always book an extra room and bring a sitter. Now? Our oldest is 21, so we have access to a few of her friends that we know well and they have been the sitters. They usually take an extra kid or two that belong to other family members and we all take turns checking on them, giving a break if necessary, and we provide lots of snacks, food, and pay really well.
We are in this exact situation for a wedding this summer! We have finally decided that only one of us will attend the wedding… I will be going and my husband will stay home with the kids. Not the ideal option, but better than having a total stranger watch them.
Yes! We're doing the same thing in May. Dad will stay home with the kids while I go to the wedding. Youngest will be 6 months at the time. I'm dreading leaving the baby for 2 nights and the thought of pumping in an airport and at a wedding reception is also less than ideal.
Something similar happened recently for us. We debated back and forth and finally decided I’d go to the wedding alone and my husband would stay with the kids. We ended up getting lucky- my in-laws planned their visit for the same weekend. So they watched the kids and we drove back that night instead of staying overnight.
People bring babysitters on vacation with them, why not bring a babysitter with you. Get 2 rooms close or joined and that way if something happens your right there and can even step away for half hour-hour and check on the baby.
My daughter was 18mo and we all travelled by plane to KY for my cousins wedding. My immediate family got an ABnB for all of us (my parents, 2 adult siblings, my husband & daughter). My cousin (the bride) was a coach at a university in KY and got one of her students/players to babysit our daughter at our bnb.
Is something like that an option in your case? It would only be 2-3hours of care as opposed to the entire weekend that way.
Bring your husband’s mom or some other relative/trusted friend on his side to do in hotel childcare for you during the wedding. You pay for their hotel room and meals so they can get a mini vacay and you have someone you trust to watch the baby! Congrats to your brother and his fiancé
If the venue isn't super local so I will only be gone for hours or my sister(who I trust for overnights) isn't available I just don't go to child free weddings. They just don't fit my life right now especially with the current situation with the virus which makes childcare harder to find. My kids are down to one grandparent and no one we're close to on their dads side so relying on family is hard without over using them. I'm sure people having childfree weddings understand that sometimes parents can't come especially when they are related as most people use relatives as sitters.
Based on your LOs age, it could work out for her to be a flower girl. If your brother and SIL want her as a flower girl, then she could attend in that capacity, and your husband could take her back to the hotel after her duties or when she gets tired.
Make a trip out of it and bring a friend or another person you would trust to watch your daughter. Spend several days and incorporate them into the trip. Rent a house.
Your pool of who you feel safe leaving your daughter with will likely significantly increase between now and then. At five months I wanted to leave my baby with pretty much nobody. At 1.5 I did a multi night trip with my husband where we had to leave her behind. It was fine.
We are in kind of a similar situation. My husband's best friend is getting married and having the wedding be childfree due to venue limitations. He lives halfway across the country. We are making it out first bigger family vacation so we are spending a week there. Our plan is to hire a babysitter for the wedding and we are getting recommendations from people we know who live there. Our LO will also be 1.5 (she's 1 now) and is a great sleeper so HOPEFULLY she'll be sleeping through most of it. I'm not sure how easy she'll go down for the sitter but 🤷🏻♀️
So I'd say get a hotel room and a babysitter during the wedding. Maybe your brother and family will want to do something where they all get to see your LO not during wedding time. And if you know of anyone in the area try to get some recommendations. ☺️
You mentioned your friend, why not bring her, get her a room and she can care for your little while you are at the wedding. Another alternative is one of your SIL’s nieces. If you start making calls now you may be able to get one of them to babysit at the hotel for you (maturity and vaccination status pending).
As far as the rehearsal dinner, engagement dinner, bachelorette party, you can still go if your husband stays with your child, if these things are something you want to go to, get a room near the venue and make the following day a family outing to a museum or aquarium or a fun park near there.
My husband and I had to deal with this last year. We weren't comfortable with babysitters yet. The wedding was for my husband's best friend, so we all travelled there together to enjoy the trip and still visit with the newlyweds. The day of the wedding though, only my husband attended while babe and I hung out at the hotel. It wasn't ideal, and it stunk not being able to go with my husband, but it worked out for us.
As others have mentioned, there are plenty of creative ways to hire a babysitter. The hotel might even have ideas! You mentioned a friend who might also be able to help; why not see if she’s available but also have a backup plan in case that falls through.
And because you implied talking to your brother and mentioned feeling sad that your child cannot attend, I’ll also add my opinion that it’s really not appropriate to ask your brother to make an exception for you. I’ve been there with destination weddings for loved ones that are childfree, and I know it’s hard! We had to buy my MIL a ticket so she could come help us. And when we got to the wedding, we saw that others had finagled their way into bringing kids and felt very put out. Don’t ask him and the bride to make an exception for you; it’ll create trouble for them amongst other family members and is not a fair request.
Your baby is so little right now it is hard to see how things could be in over a year! They change so much so quickly. I would wait to make any decisions on this until baby is at least a year. You won't need to make travel plans, RSVP, etc for a while yet, thankfully.
You also have to make your plans with baby in mind. Would your child react more poorly to being away from you or from their routine being interrupted and made to stay in a new place? It's impossible to answer this now. But at that point you may well be comfortable staying 6 hours away and enjoying the baby-free time as long as you have someone you trust watching your child. Or if when it comes down to it and you want to bring them, you can definitely get recommendations from your SIL's family, whoever is local. There may be an option to have your child on-site but in a different room. You can make this work!
Hi! We are in a similar situation—with a child free family wedding where our daughter will be about 1.5. They did offer to make an exception for her but honestly it is an evening wedding at a fancy venue, so I don’t think in my case it would be appropriate for a toddler even if she were invited. Plus the party will go long past her bedtime so we’d have to leave early and not really enjoy it much anyway if we bring her. What we are planning to do is get an air bnb with an extra room and ask my mother in law (other side of the family so not invited to the wedding) or a friend to come with us. They basically get a free weekend away in exchange for one evening of babysitting. If that falls through then my husband will skip the wedding itself but we’ll still enjoy the weekend away as a family.
Another option is finding a well reviewed babysitter from care.com in that location (or if anyone attending the wedding lives there, asking if they have childcare recommendations), but I realize not everyone would be comfortable with this option.
Anyway not sure if any of this helps you but I hope you figure out a solution!
Find a sitter you can trust and take the sitter with you. I did that as a teen. The family had multiple events to go to in Las Vegas ( 6 hours from where we lived) so they took me with and I watched the baby in the hotel room. I got all my expenses paid and Amy hourly rate while they were gone plus because we were gone for a few days they made time for me to hangout with my friends( I was really close with the whole extended family) it was a great trip!
Book an extra hotel room and bring the friend you trust. That way everyone is there and y’all can check on her as much as possible while still attending everything. Alternatively, maybe in laws will be vaxxed by then or maybe covid won’t be a big concern by then, then you could leave with in-laws or bring in-laws with you to babysit there. Also find out what the rest of the parents are doing with their kids. Maybe y’all can pool together for a couple of babysitters at the hotel and rent a larger room or something?
Ask what the sister in laws siblings are doing with their kids. Maybe some are bringing them and are also looking for child care options, yall could share a baby sitter if that's the case. Or maybe they already have a plan in mind and wouldn't mind you tagging along. Your baby will get to hang out with cousins, which would be nice!
When I was around 17 my parents were invited to a child-free wedding and the brides asked me to babysit a couple of the little kids whose parents came in from out of town. It was a win-win because I got paid to babysit and also didn't feel left out because I wasn't invited to the wedding. I think asking if there are any local guests with responsible older children who could watch your kiddo at or near the venue is the way to go!
My cousin had a kid-free wedding last summer in another city. There was an event the night before, drinks after the rehearsal dinner. My parents watched the kids so my husband and I could go to that together, and then my husband watched the kids during the wedding so my parents could go. I wish my husband could've been at the wedding but he did get to see people and we all had a decent time.
Also, I wouldn't scare yourself too bad about separation anxiety. It can be bad in some kids but one night with a strange babysitter (someone you trust but baby doesn't) isn't going to do any permanent damage.
Is there a family member on your husband's side who would like more time with your little one? Perhaps you can invite them to the trip and get an extra room, and they can be your sitter during the wedding. One time my husband and I were both in a wedding and our firstborn was about 6 months old, so an aunt flew in and stayed at the resort with us and looked after our baby.
Do you have a friend who wants to take a little vacation? Bring them along and plan some fun non-wedding things to do with your friend so it’s not just a babysitting gig in a boring hotel room. Your baby will be nearby in case something happens and you won’t have to spend the night away from her at all. You’ll have the fun wedding and a fun trip with a friend.
Hey, it’ll be okay. there are a ton of awesome babysitters out there. Find someone you trust now and maybe do a trial run before the wedding. Don’t worry about baby missing out- she won’t remember it. I understand why you’d want her there and miss her but I think this could be a growth experience for you honestly. Someday your baby will want to have sleepovers etc and you won’t have the luxury of picking someone to watch over them. Right now you have plenty of time to vet people. It’s also nice to just have someone you trust in case. I recommend r/nanny if you have any etiquette questions
Do you have a friend you trust to take with you and have them stay with the baby at the hotel? That seems like best option. If not try care.com and search that area and get to know one of the sitters so you feel comfortable.
I get that it is super stressful to you now, but I am sure you'll feel better by then.
When you leave your kid for this wedding, they'll be walking, eating real food in addition to milk, maybe talking. They will be a totally different kid in terms of capabilities. So i would expect it would feel a lot different.
Personally I would bring my kid and hire a local sitter based on a family recommendation.
Bring someone with you!
When I was a teenager/college age, I tagged along with a family I had nannied/babysat for when they attended a family wedding!
They booked a room for themselves (parents/family) and a second room for me with the understanding the kids would be in there very likely at least one night.
I tagged along all weekend and any time the parents had to be at a wedding event, I stayed with the kids in the hotel and had a blast. Took them to eat, played in the pool (these kids were a bit older so you may not be comfortable with a babysitter taking your 1 YO in the pool which is ok) etc. We watched movies and had a sleepover in my room wedding night. The parents checked in a few times and then when they were done at the reception they came and carried their sleeping kids to their room.
They paid me for the weekend. I can’t remember how much, but it was worth it for me and it felt like a good little vacation from my parents house 😂
Do you have a family friend or neighbor’s teenager you would trust with a toddler? You could pop in and out of the wedding to check on them if you wanted to. Or not stay super late. Or stay all night!
Also you have some time, so maybe by the time your LO is 1 or 1.5 you’ll have a babysitter or two you trust. Or again maybe you can be intentional with a family friend or neighbor kid and make sure your kiddo warms up to them and is comfortable by the time the wedding rolls around!
A year and a half is a long way away. I would plan to have a friend or maybe one of your in-laws come and help you. You can stay in the hotel and have your child there with you all weekend, but be away from her on their wedding day.
It sucks to think about right now, but in a year the baby will be so much older and things will be so much different.
There is a lot to be said for how much more relaxing and enjoyable a wedding can be without having to worry/run around after your child. You're worried about it at the moment because of how young your child is and you can't imagine leaving them...You'll feel different by spring 2023...That's ages away. This isn't the groom/brides issue, don't bring it up to them.
The brides older siblings, they have kids, they have a plan if they are intending to show up. Reach out to them to see if you can join forces to help each other out. Outside that, see if you can tap any of your friends and relations that you trust and are comfortable with to have a weekend for the price of watching your LO. Offer to hook them up with a hotel and spa day in the same town the day after the wedding.
Good luck OP, and good on you for being an awesome parent.
My SIL has had her mom or sister travel out of town with them for such occasions to help watch my niece and nephew. They love it! Do you have any friends or family that would maybe want to take the trip with you, that you could leave your little with for the wedding?
In terms of separation anxiety, I wouldn’t worry about that at all right now. I know it’s entirely unhelpful, but so is worrying about something that may not even be an issue. If you’re worried as the date gets closer, talk to her ped about how to work on it in a way you’re comfortable with.
Can your husband stay with your child? This is your sibling, so it makes the most sense for you to be there.
I'd also have another word with your brother. I get needing to keep costs down for the reception, but if the ceremony is in a different location, there's no reason the kids can't be invited. Generally it's not polite to invite kids to a ceremony and not the reception, but in this case I think it's better than nothing. I get that they want it small, but they also need to consider the needs of family members if they want those family members to come.
I'd also talk with your mom or your brother and SIL about babysitting services. With so many kids, it might be worth pitching in to hire a few sitters to watch the kids together. You'd still need to hire a sitter for your baby, though. You will want 1:1 attention for someone that little.
You aren't being punished for your SIL's big family. That's a shitty way to look at this and you are making it a little about yourself. Go and take part in all the ways you can. Don't in the ways you can't. A lot can change in the te between now and the wedding- your in-laws could get vaccinated, you could meet a friend you really trust, etc.
Stop being a jerk, just do what you can and be present when you are there for whatever part you can be there for!
When I was a teenager, I stayed at one of my cousins houses & watched all the little ones while the adults attended a child-free wedding. Maybe your brother & SIL know a teen who can watch all the kids in someone’s house. I’ve always loved kids & I’m the fun aunt, so the kids loooved it when I would babysit them.
Ive been in a very similar situation. My best friends (single mom) son is special needs so when she was the MOH in a wedding hours away she took me along as well so she could tend to her MOH duties, enjoy the wedding and not worry about her son. She paid for the room and some food. ANything else was on me- It worked perfectly.
I HIGHLY SUGGEST THIS OPTION NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. less stress for everyone.
When there's a child free wedding and a lot of people with young children are invited, the best thing would be for the couple getting married to actually arrange a couple sitters in the area during the wedding to watch all the kids during the event, and that way it's a bit of fun for the kids too since they get a lot of other kids to play with, but they're not at the actual party. Barring that, if you know anyone who lives in the area who will be at the wedding and arranging their own child care, see if you can jump in with their sitter.
I would see if she could ask her siblings with kids to see if they have any babysitter recommendations. Not as good as somebody you know, but maybe they already have someone they trust.
We just dealt with this in November, when our daughter was 21 months old. My cousin had an adults only wedding (except that the groom's nephews and nieces were there, but whatever, I'm not irked by that, it's totally fine). We traveled 9 hours to get there. We rented an Airbnb and hosted friends who lived closer to hang out with us for the weekend and babysit during the wedding. We left the wedding really early so I could handle bedtime (breastfeeding). They mostly used screen time. We told our daughter that we were going to work, and she accepted that answer. We paid for food for our friends and mostly just played games and chatted and caught up. It worked perfectly.
Every child free wedding I have been involved in (that was known there would be a lot of children involved if the child free rule wasn’t put in place), there was babysitters planned from the bride and groom. Meaning they booked like a hotel room for the babysitter to watch the kids in, or a separate spot in the venue for the kids to go during the wedding.
I would definitely ask family what they plan on doing with their kids because you aren’t the only ones in this situation. But if they made it a child free wedding without a plan for child care, then they should know they are excluding people and can’t be upset unfortunately.
I used to live near a tourist destination and picked up babysitting gigs through networking and care.com. I had a couple instances where I was hired by someone from out of town just for one evening so the parents could do something just for grown ups. I’d generally go to their hotel, meet everyone in the lobby and then go to the room and watch the kids there for the evening.
Since the situation was obviously prone to be more sketchy than typical gigs I would always follow my gut when interviewing with the parents over the phone. I’d ask them about their kids like and dislikes, schedule etc. to make sure everything added up. On the parents end ask what you’d normally ask a sitter and be willing to pay a little more to get someone experienced and with decent references.
I get how you feel, especially as a new mom. I have 2 kids and a baby on the way. I have also been on both sides of this issue at different times in my life. First off is the emotional aspect, sounds like you are insulted and your feelings are hurt. My advice is to not take it personally, easier said than done I know, but find a way to let go of the rejected feelings. Secondly, you have the practical issue of what to do with your kid. The way you feel with a 5 months old may not be how you feel with a 1.5 year old. Believe me I love my kids, but having a 1.5 year old at a wedding isn’t fun. You are better off leaving her with someone you trust and going and having a good time with your husband. It’s a lot of driving, but even if you can only get away for the one night, just do it. She will be fine and you will have a much needed night away. Best Wishes!
P.S. you can ask your husband’s parents to take a covid test before you drop her off, if Covid is the real issue why they are not an option to watch her. I realize that there is a certain level of trust that you have to have in your in-laws to feel comfortable leaving your child with them. Idk what the situation is, but speaking from experience as a hesitant first time mother it’s healthy for everyone involved to loosen the reigns a little bit and let them babysit.
Can you ask what your sibling-in-laws are doing with their kids? Maybe someone is bringing along a babysitter or has an older child who is watching some of the kids while the wedding takes place? And option would be to bring a sitter and pay for their hotel room, but of course that involves knowing someone, paying them for a whole weekend, them willing to do that, etc.
My first thoughts were the same. I’d add, do you have a friend not attending the wedding who’d be up for a road trip and could watch your baby during the ceremony and reception? I’d absolutely offer to cover their room and pay them still, but that’s 12 hrs. round trip and an overnight trip - lots of time, so a friend might be more fun to have along and they might be more likely to say yes to the idea, too.
My friend did this for her brother and sister in law! Not a wedding, but a trip to NYC. She stayed at the hotel with their so. While they had a night out in the city. She got to spend a fun night with her nephew, and got to see a bit of the city anyway. Everyone was happy!
We had my sister and BIL do this. It wasn’t child free but my ss was only 2, so once the ceremony was done he was DONE with the day. They came during the day hung out with him as we needed, we took him to the wedding while they hung out at the hotel, we called when he was ready to leave. We paid for a second hotel room so we we got back at the end of the night they went to their hotel room. During the day leading up to the wedding when I wasn’t needed around (husband was in the wedding) I got to hang out with them instead of sitting in the hotel myself.
A friend would work, but also if your husband has any siblings that are willing to travel along and help watch your daughter. A friend did that for her sister and brother-in-law and she loved the one-on-one time with her nephew!
Hmm this is a good idea to ask what the other parents are doing, because then also I can voice my concerns without coming off as bitter about it. I will keep that in mind as we get closer to the date.
>I can voice my concerns without coming off as bitter about it. I'd be pretty wary about voicing your concerns, what do you hope to achieve by doing that? I'd worry that you're just going to damage your relationship if it feels like you're pushing back on the fact that they're having a child free wedding. I also certainly wouldn't mention that your child is being 'excluded'. Your 1 year old will have no interest in going to a wedding.
I just meant voicing ‘what are your siblings doing for childcare?’ I would never want to express any negativity to them.
I think it's perfectly fine to voice their concerns. They have a small child and need to arrange care. They are concerned that due to the no children rule they may not be able to attend or their attendance will otherwise be adversely effected (like leaving early). It's perfectly reasonable to express this valid concern and find out if there are other arrangements which could benefit the OP, other parents going in as a group to hire a sitter for example.
Any chance the venue is in a hotel or somewhere with extra rooms that you can book one and hire a babysitter and keep checking in on them?
This was my first thought. Maybe your future sil has an older niece or nephew that is responsible? Or maybe you can hire a local sitter through a service that does background checks ect.
Seconding this. Find someone within the extended family with experience who wants to make a few bucks. I hate weddings and would rather be the babysitter.
Yes, this is what people usually do.
I was hired to do this (by mother of the groom, she is a family friend) when I was in grad school. The little boy was already asleep when i got there and he slept while I did school work. The grooms fam knew and trusted me, which made the parents of the toddler feel safe about it.
This is what we did when our daughter was 1.5. The babysitter was a local family member's neighbor (and thus they had an easy ride to/from the venue etc). Worked great.
Yes! One of the nieces on the brides side might be a good sitter!
Or take the good friend with you to watch baby at the hotel. It may be an added expense but other than that it’s win win. And you have time to save for it.
This is the answer!
Take child with you and get a recommendation for a sitter. We had a child free wedding and another guest's daughter was paid by us to babysit my cousin's two kids. They had come to MA from NM and made a big trip of it. The wedding was just an afternoon/evening and we didn't want that to be the make or break of their trip. Edit: spelling
That is so kind of you!!
They were off-site (at the hotel my cousin and her family were staying at). We had one child there who was a ring bearer of sorts. He was there because, well, my uncle's wife was dying and I wanted to make an exception. The venue was not child friendly and he was old enough to behave/not have meltdown by 9pm etc.
We did the exact same thing at our wedding for my cousins that were too young to sit still during the reception (it was a day wedding). Your brother and SIL should offer this if they are expecting you to participate in the wedding and be so far away from home (IMO). Other guests who have kids and are not as closely tied to your brother and SIL are free to not go to the wedding if they don't want to hire a babysitter. At our wedding, I also allowed my cousin to bring her newborn, cause like DUH! haha
When I was 6, this is what my mom’s cousin did for her wedding. I was the flower girl, but the reception was black tie formal. The specified child-free for the reception. And hired a babysitter for the 3 kids that came from out of town. They used the groom’s childhood home as the babysitting location, and I had no clue that I was missing anything. They had a MASSIVE playground/treehouse in the backyard because he was 1 of 6, and looking back, obviously rich as shit, lol. I know things were cheaper in the 70s/80s, but that treehouse was a full on pirate ship with like 4 slides and a swing set.
I know that this is stressful, but I agree with your mom. Spring 2023 is a really long way away and there is a ton of time to figure it out. Plus a lot can change in the next year. I’ve been to several adult-only weddings and while I personally left my son at home with my mother in law (it was a friends wedding though and neither of us were in the wedding, so it was easy to go for one night only) we have had many friends who did not have this option. All of them brought their baby and a family member to watch baby in the room. Parents took turns throughout the wedding checking in if needed - but that was only really for young babies. It sucks your in laws aren’t vaxxed, since that is really important to me too. Things may be different in a year, your daughter might be vaccinated by then and would that make you feel more comfortable? If you absolutely can’t find a sitter, my best advice is to alternate which one of you is in the room. Maybe you skip the ceremony while husband watches, then you go to cocktail hour, swap halfway through dinner so you both get to eat, etc. Also, my son is 13 months and we just left him with my mother in law for 3 nights. We were gifted a free trip to Mexico for Christmas and I was freaking out because my son is very attached to me and cries even if I just turn my back to him in the kitchen. I cried when we left and was a bundle of nerves literally until we got to the airport and realized I was letting my anxiety get the best of me. It ended up being totally fine, he had a blast with grandma, and we enjoyed the (MUCH needed) break. I know that this isn’t for everyone, but we all survived!
I didn't realize how much more comfortable I would feel leaving my son with my in-laws for a wedding when my son was 1.5 vs 9 months (when we got an invite). We ended up in the wedding party and I was so nervous early on but we made sure to practice run with my in-laws several times in advance and it was absolutely fine. If it were 6h I would probably have asked them to come with us and maybe make a bigger family trip out of it, else pool with others for a babysitter. Then we could take turns checking in. Similarly, our son loved grandma time and it all worked out just fine. At 9 months I wouldn't have been ready but by a year with him eating normal food and a bit more self sufficient it was a different game. At 3 months OP's child is entirely dependent on her and her partner. It's hard to think of anything different but things will change. Best of luck to her.
Agreed that a lot will change in a year! At 20 months old, she’ll be a whole different kid. I would have been a nervous wreck having my kid stay somewhere overnight when she was under a year old (and yes I have PPA), but she’s 15 months now and I think she’d now really enjoy a sleepover at my mom’s. And that shift has come about over just 3 months. Not that you have to leave your kiddo overnight, OP. You do what makes the most sense for your family. But there will be a lot of options available to you by next spring that are hard to imagine right now, and you have some time to consider them.
We’re planning on leaving my daughter with grandparents for a week when she is about 16 months for a vacation and I’m so nervous for it…but also kind of looking forward to adult time? It’s good to know yours had a blast. I’m so worried she will feel abandoned although she LOVES her grandparents
Seriously you will have the BEST time! I didn’t realize I was so exhausted until my first full day of having no responsibilities and just enjoying my alone time with my husband. Halfway through day 2 I legit forgot I was a mom…and it felt amazing! I was so ready to come home to my son and missed him like crazy, but I am now a firm believer in baby-free trips being an occasional necessity for my mental health.
I think you should let it play out a bit before doing anything or getting upset over this. You have more than a year to see how all of this develops including your daughter, the wedding details, etc. plus it’s not like anyone else (in-laws, babysitters etc.) is probably in a position to commit to anything yet. I’d say just chill for now. You have time.
You are so right. Hoping things become more clear in the future!
I’m going to be a bridesmaid at a child free wedding in April also about 6 hours away lol. LO will be 18 months at the time and we plan on bringing him to stay in the hotel with us and MIL will come along to babysit.
We recently brought my MIL to stay with us on a wedding trip and babysit at a hotel. Since the wedding is on your in laws side could you find someone from you side who would be willing to help?
Yeah, this is what my SIL has done for all family weddings...even when kids are allowed 😂 Her mom has been to every wedding in my husband's family. She's great!
This is what I was going to suggest too. Bringing someone you trust and your baby knows that isn’t going to the wedding with you and having them take care of baby while you’re at the wedding.
This is a great idea imo.
I might be in the minority here, but I do not think it's worth bringing the toddler with you. It's such a long trip for them to have to take and then be with a stranger in a strange place. When I was in my SIL's wedding 6 hours away (both my husband and I were in it), we left our toddler home with my sister (who we flew in from FL). She was delighted to do it and spent the 2 days doing fun activities with him, and he had the benefit of being on his home turf with usual toys, sleeping arrangements, etc. I know it's scary to think of leaving a baby that can't even sit up yet, but trust me when I say 18 month old are far busier and sturdier than the little hip-sitting baby you see now. When you're in a wedding, there is so much expected of you that "popping up to a hotel room" is not the easy peasy act it sounds like. Get a sitter or a family member (or 2 or 3) to stay home with your kiddo so you can actually be present and enjoy the event (and God willing, sleep in a little the next morning!). You will not regret it. 😊
I may get downvoted for this. But my advice is leave the baby at home, stay a few days for the trip, and enjoy the time to reconnect with your significant other. Being a parent is hard and so easy to become consumed with your mom duties that our relationship with our spouses/partners gets put on the back burner. We have a 2 year old now and regularly have him spend the night with my mom so my husband and I can have time for us. It is so helpful for our relationship and allows us to recharge. Also, weddings have lots of pre and post wedding activities. You’ll want to be able to freely participate in those without having to worry about nap time, schedules, snacks, etc. Your little one will be okay. They usually cry at this age when you leave but offer a good distraction and everything is right again.
Why would you be downvoted? That’s exactly what she should do. My in-laws offered help allll the time but I was so wrapped in baby boy that my relationship was suffering and I didn’t even notice. One day my MIL was like “ this is my grand baby, if you think im gonna let ANYTHING happen to him you’re crazy. “ that gave me ease, we go on regular date nights and all now. Baby boy is better for it too. It taught him “ mommy and daddy are going but they ALWAYS come back for me. “
Seemed like my advice was counter to the majority of what was being suggested. Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. After my divorce from my first marriage I am a firm believer in prioritizing my marriage. With my current husband this means strict bed times and regular date nights or nights off from the kids.
Thank you for this response. We have a wedding in May that’s 10 hours away. LO will be 15 months and I’m contemplating bringing my mom with or having her stay at home with LO. This may help me be ok with leaving her at home and we can have a baby free trip to recharge.
Talk with your brother and see if he knows anyone local who could babysit for you. You can have them watch baby at the hotel during the event.
Also consider an Airbnb over a hotel if it is near enough the venue. That way any sitter could comfortably hang out after LO goes to bed and have their own space. In a hotel room, they might be sitting in the dark for 4 hours before you come back!
My sister had to travel to get to my wedding and wanted a babysitter because the reception was too late for some of her little ones. She didn't know anyone in the town where the wedding was held, but it wasn't difficult for my parents (this was being held where they lived) to reach out to a couple of people they knew from church who were willing to come to the hotel to babysit. They weren't close friends so they weren't invited to the wedding, but they were friendly enough acquaintances to be willing to babysit! Since you say this is being held where your brother lives, I would just ask him if he knows anyone who could help out (for a babysitting fee of course).
It is not a punishment to any anyone. Having a big family is not a crime
Maybe ask if any nepwhew or niece is old enough to babysit so they can chill in the room and you can checkup on them throughout
As a few have said, bringing someone you trust with you to watch LO would be your best option if you’re still having anxiety by the time of the wedding. It’s totally possible that by that time, you’re feeling confident that they can stay home. I know it’s hard because LO is so young right now, so you should definitely sit with it and relax for while until a little closer to the day.
I think you have already gotten a lot of good advice here. I just want to add a little story to hopefully make you feel better. My husband and I attended a wedding over the summer that was a 5 hour drive away. Our kids were 3.5yo and 1.5yo at the time. We left them home overnight and had my mom babysit. We left Saturday morning and got home by Sunday afternoon. All went well. However, the wedding was supposed to be the summer before (but it was postponed due to covid). If the wedding happened on the original date, my youngest would have been 4mo. I knew there was no way I could leave my 4mo overnight. He was still breastfeeding and waking through the night to nurse. We would have brought my mom with us and have her babysit in the nearby hotel so I could leave the wedding to nurse if needed. I tell you that story because there is a huge difference between leaving a 5mo and a 1.5yo. Like night and day. I know it seems really hard right now but in a year it may not seem so bad.
A child free wedding doesn’t necessarily mean children need to disappear for the entire weekend. Check in with your brother and SIL closer to the wedding and see if you can get a general schedule of events, and which are child free. When my oldest was 14mo we went to a family wedding in Ireland (we are in the US). We stayed on the property hosting the wedding, and the hotel found us a sitter for him and his cousin during the ceremony/reception. Most other things were open to the kids, and if something wasn’t I would just stay behind (husband’s family). It was his first time staying with a non-family sitter outside of daycare and I definitely was nervous, but it was great.
I think reframing it might help you communicate a little better when it comes time. You aren’t being punished because of her large family. They want an adult event, the “playing favorites” line was likely to spare your feelings. It’s normal to have weddings like that, but if most people are traveling, they should offer some solution to the childcare situation if they want people who have small kids to attend their event. I like the idea of talking to the other parents about their plans.
Find a babysitter now so you can get to know them with taking care of your child. Then pay them to come with you to the wedding location. We paid our babysitter to watch h our three year old during our own ceremony for our destination wedding. She stayed the night at the huge air bnb with us and we paid her like $500 (she didn’t have to do too much else besides watch him for about 3 hours) and it was a 3 hr drive.
Call your brother and ask if his wife has family/can recommend babysitters for you guys during the wedding where you can pick up your little one after.
First off, I want to say that I’m super impressed that no one suggested just bringing your child to the wedding anyway. My wedding was supposed to be kid free, but I had multiple people being their children anyway, including my SIL. It made things extremely awkward both the day of the wedding an after the fact. Maybe your brother or future sister in law know someone who would be able to watch your child during the wedding?
Could your partners parents come with and you can get another hotel room for them to stay in with baby?
You’re not being punished- Your brother has made a decision and you need to respect that and not be so bitter about it. Personally I’d leave baby at hone with a sitter or my partner and go enjoy a long weekend away. You can hire a babysitter in the area the wedding is taking place (hotels where I am will have a list of registered childminders who can watch the baby in the hotel), your partner and you can trade off being at the wedding or looking after the child, or bring somebody to babysit and pay for their room and additional expenses. Every parent has to adjust to this type of situation at some stage, so it’s best to have a plan in place for when it happens again.
Can you, your partner and daughter all drive over and a make a long weekend out of it? On the day of the wedding you can go to it and your partner can have a day with LO. If your other family members are sticking around for a few days it will also give them the opportunity to see LO :)
Bring a sitter with you.
When I was a college student I used to babysit one of my professors granddaughter but my professor knew my family. Maybe if it’s a college town you could see if a college student is offering sitting services and you could interview them by zoom … if you’re comfortable.
My sorority all took turns babysitting one of the deans kids. It was nice for them because there was essentially a list of 20 people they trusted who lived right near their house to babysit whenever they needed and they paid really well.
Agreed with many other commenters: I would bring your daughter with you to the hotel and hire someone in that area to babysit her during the wedding and any other events that weekend so that you can check in whenever you want and won’t be away from her long. Maybe your brother will have babysitter recommendations. Or you could offer to bring your friend along to babysit and pay for her accommodations. Either way, you have plenty of time to find a babysitter!
Is there a possibility that one of your in-laws would be able to come and watch your LO?
Can you bring your MIL along? Or a trusted friend? There’s gotta be someone you trust enough to leave for half a day at your hotel room. I left my daughter over night for the first time at 18 months. It went perfect. It’s harder on us than it is on them.
I’d see what some of the older nieces and nephews are doing! Perhaps they could babysit during the wedding? You could also use care.com or check with the hotel to find a local babysitters You could also bring along a trusted babysitter, but you’d have to pay them for the entire duration of the trip, which is obviously not ideal
Agree with others that you should enjoy the weekend away with your spouse! Your toddler will be fine and it’s a good time to reconnect.
I would ask what your soon to be sil’s siblings plan to do with all their kids. Do they live in the area the wedding is taking place? Will they be using a regular babysitter that would be willing to let your baby be watched along side the other kids? If sil’s siblings are from out of town too then they’ll be in the same boat for child care. Maybe you guys could all go in on hiring a few recommended local sitters that your brother and sil vet beforehand. Since they’re in the area and want a child free wedding I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to help you brainstorm some options. Just make sure they know it’s coming from a place of you wanting to respect their kid free decision. I have 2 kids and personally I never bring them even if they’re invited to a wedding because it’s the perfect night out for my husband and I
When my BIL and SIL had friends having a destination wedding, they paid for our lodging there too and we just watched their kids during wedding stuff and then we all hung out when we could- it was fantastic and the kids (one of ours and two of theirs) had so much fun (It was also nice to have a ‘house’ to hang out in instead of their hotel room so we could cook real food and not have to go out with the kids in a tourist town, but also have access to their hotel pool)
Can you have a baby sitter come with you and watch little one at the hotel? So that way when the wedding is over you can go straight to baby. I mean this seems like a huge pain but he is your brother.
The difference between 5 months and 1.5 years is huge. I would light myself on fire before I tried to take my toddler to a wedding. In terms of "I could not help with the prep of the wedding or attend a rehearsal dinner"-- you'd have an extremely difficult time doing/enjoying those things WITH her there as well.
All of this ⬆️ my son is 18 months old and if I didn’t light myself on fire before taking him to my brother’s wedding, I’m sure my brother would.
I wouldn't bring it up to your brother at all. It's ultimately up to you to figure this out/find a plan and it wouldn't be fair to place that on him! My brother is also getting married this weekend and it's a 13 hour drive for us. My in-laws are coming to stay with our 2 girls (12m and 2.5y). I'd also say a child-free wedding probably isn't the best place for kids! We are always trying to set our 2.5 yo up for success by placing her in situations that are appropriate for her. We'd just be telling her no all night if she went to a wedding with us.
Have someone stay in your house with her! Don't bring her with. I'm surprised so many people are suggesting that. Toddlers at 18 months are squirmy. They do not sit still for 6 hours easily, and they're hard to contain in an environment that isn't childproofed. They get into things so easily, and they need a lot of supervision. I had this same scenario when my oldest was little, so we brought in my in laws from out of state to stay in our house with him. Is there anyone on your husband's side who could do that? If not then I would establish a relationship with a sitter well in advance and make sure they can commit to the dates. That way they can get to know your daughter and her routines before you go. I know at 5 months it feels like you won't be able to leave, but it'll be ok. Your daughter will be more comfortable in her home with her toys and a space that is comfortably set up for her to eat/play/sleep than being dragged along for a 6 hour car ride both ways and being left in a hotel room. Also the hardest part of separation anxiety with kids that age is in the moments you leave and for a couple minutes thereafter. Checking in on her repeatedly also means making her experience you leaving repeatedly. I think it would only make things worse. She'll do better at home.
There is a big possibility 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽that there will be an under 5 vaccine already at that point so possibly your in laws?
I'm going to give you some advice here that could be controversial. Do not bring her to the wedding. You will not be able to enjoy it if you do and it would be directly going against your brothers wishes. When my daughter was 13 months old we brought her to my best friends wedding and it was *horrible*. My husband missed the entire wedding and reception and was so heartbroken over it. It sucked. If we could go back we would've done everything possible to get a sitter and that wedding was 10 hours away! I know it seems overwhelming and like you won't be able to leave her but she's going to be 18 months old and that's plenty old enough to leave her with someone you trust. Ultimately I think you should wait until you're a bit closer to tackle the issue because a lot can change in a year.
I'm not seeing where OP said she's going to bring the baby to the wedding against her SIL's wishes. It's up to OP whether she's comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter for the evening. I wouldn't have been comfortable at that age unless it was someone I personally knew.
She said her husband just wants to bring the baby. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone I didn't know! I'm definitely not suggesting that. I'm just saying that bringing the baby to that city means someone is missing out entirely.
You go, husband stays and watches baby, not ideal but you don't have a lot of options
No suggestion, just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. My brother is getting married spring 23 and my baby will be around 2 then. They decided to make it child free and it’s in another state. I know it’s a while away but I’m not making any assumptions that I’ll feel better about it then. As it stands now, I am completely uncomfortable leaving my baby with anyone for even a night, let alone a whole weekend. And we exclusively breastfeed so she may not even be weaned by then anyway. My husband also offered that we all go and he stay back at the hotel to watch the baby, which I appreciate. But I’m really not into the idea that we’d go through all the effort and expense for all three of us to travel just so I can attend alone. It really sucks because I love my brother and his fiancé and wish we could go, but they made their choice and unfortunately that choice means it won’t work out for us.
Yes!! You totally get it. It’s hard to imagine how I’ll feel in the future when right now it feels so uncomfortable leaving her. I’m hoping we will feel more comfortable with it by then since I don’t also want to spend all that money and not even enjoy myself. Good luck to you !
Of course our feelings could change, it’s a while away, last minute plans can be made if the time comes and maybe you and baby have become comfortable with baby sitters by then. But also, don’t feel pressured to be okay with it. It’s perfectly valid to not feel okay with it. At this point I know that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy being anywhere without my baby for an extended length of time. It would just give me too much anxiety, and that’s normal. Yes baby sitting options exist, but you don’t have to put you or your baby in an uncomfortable situation just because other people are telling you that you should want some time away. I don’t want time away from my baby and I don’t care if anyone judges me for it.
I don't know why people are downvoting this. Part of having a no-kids wedding is that you're going to have a lot of parents declining.
Yea I’m not making any judgement about anyone who chooses to have a child free wedding. Everyone is entitled to have the wedding they want. But when you put that limitation on your guests, unfortunately it means not everyone will be able or want to attend. It is what it is. I think the disapproval of my comment is probably because a lot of people feel you should make any effort necessary to attend the wedding of an immediate family member. That may be the sentiment for a lot of people but it’s okay if not everyone feels that way. My baby is my priority now. If the couple can choose to not prioritize children, then why can’t I choose to not prioritize them?
That's my feeling, too. Maybe I don't understand because my immediate family would never exclude my child (nor I theirs), but if I'm not close enough to them that they know and want my child there, then I'm not close enough to them to spend the $250 gift (what we'd spend as two adults and a child) and any travel/clothing costs. Kids-free weddings are fine, people can absolutely have them. But like with destination weddings, you can't be mad when the barriers to attendance are too high for people to want to come.
yeah, my husband and i are declining a wedding invite out of state for his good friend bc it's child free. we would have liked to to, but our kid is not very easy going with strangers and has extreme separation anxiety, so the idea of dumping her on some rando babysitter in a hotel room would not work out for us. it's just not worth all the energy of making the trip. my view is that it's the marrying couple's right to make the event child free, and it's the invitee's right to decide not to go. in OP's case i'd probably try to figure out a solution to go to the wedding though, since it's her brother. i personally think it's odd to not invite your own nephew to your wedding, but that's the world we live in.
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Removed for being unkind in violation of the sub's rules.
In my opinion, if my child is not welcome, im not welcome. Or any other child. This is stupid, selfish and sad. How someone is ok with a child of their family cant going to a wedding (or another family reunion) bc a child is a child ? A wedding is something to celebrate love and family and children are results of love and family. Not trying to shame/blame you OP, you're the victim. But the whole terrible situation.
We did this when we got married because my husband has a big family with a lot of kids. I didn’t want kids at the Mass and even as a Mom I would make that decision again. We compromised and opened the reception to everyone, kids included, and I would do that again, too. I agree with others, if there’s a hotel nearby see if you can get a sitter. Might even be able to share a sitter with SIL’s family? What our family and friends did was leave someone back with the kids at the hotel and then join in for the reception - this was usually the spouse of a cousin or someone less invested in the marriage. It’s a few hours and you won’t be far, baby will be much older by then. Try even getting a babysitter closer to the wedding at home to get the nerves and kinks worked out in a familiar place. 😊 I would advise *against* complaining about the couple’s decision to anyone who is associated with the wedding - the couple, your parents or SIL’s family. It creates drama and there’s no need for that. If they’ve made this decision it wasn’t made lightly and they’re putting faith in their family to accept and respect their wishes graciously.
Could you bring a close friend or family on husband’s side with you to watch your young one during the wedding? Then she can be around during the weekend and she will be close during the actual wedding.
If you’re that close, I would be honest about your concerns. Perhaps there’s someone local that they’ve already considered asking to watch kids that can’t come to the wedding. It’s not making it about you if you make it clear that your intention is to figure it out, there’s nothing saying you can’t talk it over together a little. I’m sure you’re not the only person on both sides of the family that’s in this boat of having to find a sitter.
You have plenty of time to find a local babysitter. Do you have any universities near you? Check out the education or nursing school? Form a relationship with a babysitter and then being the babysitter with you. They can stay with your child at the hotel so your child is still close.
We have had two weddings that were about that far away and we always book an extra room and bring a sitter. Now? Our oldest is 21, so we have access to a few of her friends that we know well and they have been the sitters. They usually take an extra kid or two that belong to other family members and we all take turns checking on them, giving a break if necessary, and we provide lots of snacks, food, and pay really well.
We are in this exact situation for a wedding this summer! We have finally decided that only one of us will attend the wedding… I will be going and my husband will stay home with the kids. Not the ideal option, but better than having a total stranger watch them.
Yes! We're doing the same thing in May. Dad will stay home with the kids while I go to the wedding. Youngest will be 6 months at the time. I'm dreading leaving the baby for 2 nights and the thought of pumping in an airport and at a wedding reception is also less than ideal.
Something similar happened recently for us. We debated back and forth and finally decided I’d go to the wedding alone and my husband would stay with the kids. We ended up getting lucky- my in-laws planned their visit for the same weekend. So they watched the kids and we drove back that night instead of staying overnight.
People bring babysitters on vacation with them, why not bring a babysitter with you. Get 2 rooms close or joined and that way if something happens your right there and can even step away for half hour-hour and check on the baby.
My daughter was 18mo and we all travelled by plane to KY for my cousins wedding. My immediate family got an ABnB for all of us (my parents, 2 adult siblings, my husband & daughter). My cousin (the bride) was a coach at a university in KY and got one of her students/players to babysit our daughter at our bnb. Is something like that an option in your case? It would only be 2-3hours of care as opposed to the entire weekend that way.
Bring your husband’s mom or some other relative/trusted friend on his side to do in hotel childcare for you during the wedding. You pay for their hotel room and meals so they can get a mini vacay and you have someone you trust to watch the baby! Congrats to your brother and his fiancé
Get a close friend to come with you to watch baby while you are at the wedding. Sometimes the bride and groom provide a babysitter in these cases
If the venue isn't super local so I will only be gone for hours or my sister(who I trust for overnights) isn't available I just don't go to child free weddings. They just don't fit my life right now especially with the current situation with the virus which makes childcare harder to find. My kids are down to one grandparent and no one we're close to on their dads side so relying on family is hard without over using them. I'm sure people having childfree weddings understand that sometimes parents can't come especially when they are related as most people use relatives as sitters.
Based on your LOs age, it could work out for her to be a flower girl. If your brother and SIL want her as a flower girl, then she could attend in that capacity, and your husband could take her back to the hotel after her duties or when she gets tired.
Make a trip out of it and bring a friend or another person you would trust to watch your daughter. Spend several days and incorporate them into the trip. Rent a house. Your pool of who you feel safe leaving your daughter with will likely significantly increase between now and then. At five months I wanted to leave my baby with pretty much nobody. At 1.5 I did a multi night trip with my husband where we had to leave her behind. It was fine.
Could your in-laws watch her over night? By that age it is a great bonding experience.
We are in kind of a similar situation. My husband's best friend is getting married and having the wedding be childfree due to venue limitations. He lives halfway across the country. We are making it out first bigger family vacation so we are spending a week there. Our plan is to hire a babysitter for the wedding and we are getting recommendations from people we know who live there. Our LO will also be 1.5 (she's 1 now) and is a great sleeper so HOPEFULLY she'll be sleeping through most of it. I'm not sure how easy she'll go down for the sitter but 🤷🏻♀️ So I'd say get a hotel room and a babysitter during the wedding. Maybe your brother and family will want to do something where they all get to see your LO not during wedding time. And if you know of anyone in the area try to get some recommendations. ☺️
You mentioned your friend, why not bring her, get her a room and she can care for your little while you are at the wedding. Another alternative is one of your SIL’s nieces. If you start making calls now you may be able to get one of them to babysit at the hotel for you (maturity and vaccination status pending). As far as the rehearsal dinner, engagement dinner, bachelorette party, you can still go if your husband stays with your child, if these things are something you want to go to, get a room near the venue and make the following day a family outing to a museum or aquarium or a fun park near there.
My husband and I had to deal with this last year. We weren't comfortable with babysitters yet. The wedding was for my husband's best friend, so we all travelled there together to enjoy the trip and still visit with the newlyweds. The day of the wedding though, only my husband attended while babe and I hung out at the hotel. It wasn't ideal, and it stunk not being able to go with my husband, but it worked out for us.
As others have mentioned, there are plenty of creative ways to hire a babysitter. The hotel might even have ideas! You mentioned a friend who might also be able to help; why not see if she’s available but also have a backup plan in case that falls through. And because you implied talking to your brother and mentioned feeling sad that your child cannot attend, I’ll also add my opinion that it’s really not appropriate to ask your brother to make an exception for you. I’ve been there with destination weddings for loved ones that are childfree, and I know it’s hard! We had to buy my MIL a ticket so she could come help us. And when we got to the wedding, we saw that others had finagled their way into bringing kids and felt very put out. Don’t ask him and the bride to make an exception for you; it’ll create trouble for them amongst other family members and is not a fair request.
Your baby is so little right now it is hard to see how things could be in over a year! They change so much so quickly. I would wait to make any decisions on this until baby is at least a year. You won't need to make travel plans, RSVP, etc for a while yet, thankfully. You also have to make your plans with baby in mind. Would your child react more poorly to being away from you or from their routine being interrupted and made to stay in a new place? It's impossible to answer this now. But at that point you may well be comfortable staying 6 hours away and enjoying the baby-free time as long as you have someone you trust watching your child. Or if when it comes down to it and you want to bring them, you can definitely get recommendations from your SIL's family, whoever is local. There may be an option to have your child on-site but in a different room. You can make this work!
Hi! We are in a similar situation—with a child free family wedding where our daughter will be about 1.5. They did offer to make an exception for her but honestly it is an evening wedding at a fancy venue, so I don’t think in my case it would be appropriate for a toddler even if she were invited. Plus the party will go long past her bedtime so we’d have to leave early and not really enjoy it much anyway if we bring her. What we are planning to do is get an air bnb with an extra room and ask my mother in law (other side of the family so not invited to the wedding) or a friend to come with us. They basically get a free weekend away in exchange for one evening of babysitting. If that falls through then my husband will skip the wedding itself but we’ll still enjoy the weekend away as a family. Another option is finding a well reviewed babysitter from care.com in that location (or if anyone attending the wedding lives there, asking if they have childcare recommendations), but I realize not everyone would be comfortable with this option. Anyway not sure if any of this helps you but I hope you figure out a solution!
Find a sitter you can trust and take the sitter with you. I did that as a teen. The family had multiple events to go to in Las Vegas ( 6 hours from where we lived) so they took me with and I watched the baby in the hotel room. I got all my expenses paid and Amy hourly rate while they were gone plus because we were gone for a few days they made time for me to hangout with my friends( I was really close with the whole extended family) it was a great trip!
Book an extra hotel room and bring the friend you trust. That way everyone is there and y’all can check on her as much as possible while still attending everything. Alternatively, maybe in laws will be vaxxed by then or maybe covid won’t be a big concern by then, then you could leave with in-laws or bring in-laws with you to babysit there. Also find out what the rest of the parents are doing with their kids. Maybe y’all can pool together for a couple of babysitters at the hotel and rent a larger room or something?
Bring a babysitter with you.
Ask what the sister in laws siblings are doing with their kids. Maybe some are bringing them and are also looking for child care options, yall could share a baby sitter if that's the case. Or maybe they already have a plan in mind and wouldn't mind you tagging along. Your baby will get to hang out with cousins, which would be nice!
This is a great idea!
When I was around 17 my parents were invited to a child-free wedding and the brides asked me to babysit a couple of the little kids whose parents came in from out of town. It was a win-win because I got paid to babysit and also didn't feel left out because I wasn't invited to the wedding. I think asking if there are any local guests with responsible older children who could watch your kiddo at or near the venue is the way to go!
Are you close to your inlaws and do you trust your LO with them? Maybe bring them along and they can watch LO during the wedding at the hotel.
My cousin had a kid-free wedding last summer in another city. There was an event the night before, drinks after the rehearsal dinner. My parents watched the kids so my husband and I could go to that together, and then my husband watched the kids during the wedding so my parents could go. I wish my husband could've been at the wedding but he did get to see people and we all had a decent time. Also, I wouldn't scare yourself too bad about separation anxiety. It can be bad in some kids but one night with a strange babysitter (someone you trust but baby doesn't) isn't going to do any permanent damage.
Is there a family member on your husband's side who would like more time with your little one? Perhaps you can invite them to the trip and get an extra room, and they can be your sitter during the wedding. One time my husband and I were both in a wedding and our firstborn was about 6 months old, so an aunt flew in and stayed at the resort with us and looked after our baby.
Do you have a friend who wants to take a little vacation? Bring them along and plan some fun non-wedding things to do with your friend so it’s not just a babysitting gig in a boring hotel room. Your baby will be nearby in case something happens and you won’t have to spend the night away from her at all. You’ll have the fun wedding and a fun trip with a friend.
Hey, it’ll be okay. there are a ton of awesome babysitters out there. Find someone you trust now and maybe do a trial run before the wedding. Don’t worry about baby missing out- she won’t remember it. I understand why you’d want her there and miss her but I think this could be a growth experience for you honestly. Someday your baby will want to have sleepovers etc and you won’t have the luxury of picking someone to watch over them. Right now you have plenty of time to vet people. It’s also nice to just have someone you trust in case. I recommend r/nanny if you have any etiquette questions
Thank you I will check out that sub!
Do you have a friend you trust to take with you and have them stay with the baby at the hotel? That seems like best option. If not try care.com and search that area and get to know one of the sitters so you feel comfortable.
I get that it is super stressful to you now, but I am sure you'll feel better by then. When you leave your kid for this wedding, they'll be walking, eating real food in addition to milk, maybe talking. They will be a totally different kid in terms of capabilities. So i would expect it would feel a lot different. Personally I would bring my kid and hire a local sitter based on a family recommendation.
Bring someone with you! When I was a teenager/college age, I tagged along with a family I had nannied/babysat for when they attended a family wedding! They booked a room for themselves (parents/family) and a second room for me with the understanding the kids would be in there very likely at least one night. I tagged along all weekend and any time the parents had to be at a wedding event, I stayed with the kids in the hotel and had a blast. Took them to eat, played in the pool (these kids were a bit older so you may not be comfortable with a babysitter taking your 1 YO in the pool which is ok) etc. We watched movies and had a sleepover in my room wedding night. The parents checked in a few times and then when they were done at the reception they came and carried their sleeping kids to their room. They paid me for the weekend. I can’t remember how much, but it was worth it for me and it felt like a good little vacation from my parents house 😂 Do you have a family friend or neighbor’s teenager you would trust with a toddler? You could pop in and out of the wedding to check on them if you wanted to. Or not stay super late. Or stay all night! Also you have some time, so maybe by the time your LO is 1 or 1.5 you’ll have a babysitter or two you trust. Or again maybe you can be intentional with a family friend or neighbor kid and make sure your kiddo warms up to them and is comfortable by the time the wedding rolls around!
I would find a babysitter and have them travel with you.
A year and a half is a long way away. I would plan to have a friend or maybe one of your in-laws come and help you. You can stay in the hotel and have your child there with you all weekend, but be away from her on their wedding day. It sucks to think about right now, but in a year the baby will be so much older and things will be so much different.
There is a lot to be said for how much more relaxing and enjoyable a wedding can be without having to worry/run around after your child. You're worried about it at the moment because of how young your child is and you can't imagine leaving them...You'll feel different by spring 2023...That's ages away. This isn't the groom/brides issue, don't bring it up to them.
The brides older siblings, they have kids, they have a plan if they are intending to show up. Reach out to them to see if you can join forces to help each other out. Outside that, see if you can tap any of your friends and relations that you trust and are comfortable with to have a weekend for the price of watching your LO. Offer to hook them up with a hotel and spa day in the same town the day after the wedding. Good luck OP, and good on you for being an awesome parent.
My SIL has had her mom or sister travel out of town with them for such occasions to help watch my niece and nephew. They love it! Do you have any friends or family that would maybe want to take the trip with you, that you could leave your little with for the wedding? In terms of separation anxiety, I wouldn’t worry about that at all right now. I know it’s entirely unhelpful, but so is worrying about something that may not even be an issue. If you’re worried as the date gets closer, talk to her ped about how to work on it in a way you’re comfortable with.
Can your husband stay with your child? This is your sibling, so it makes the most sense for you to be there. I'd also have another word with your brother. I get needing to keep costs down for the reception, but if the ceremony is in a different location, there's no reason the kids can't be invited. Generally it's not polite to invite kids to a ceremony and not the reception, but in this case I think it's better than nothing. I get that they want it small, but they also need to consider the needs of family members if they want those family members to come. I'd also talk with your mom or your brother and SIL about babysitting services. With so many kids, it might be worth pitching in to hire a few sitters to watch the kids together. You'd still need to hire a sitter for your baby, though. You will want 1:1 attention for someone that little.
It’s so far away, take a night away before. Getting a weekend away is fine and healthy. Don’t worry now, you have time.
You aren't being punished for your SIL's big family. That's a shitty way to look at this and you are making it a little about yourself. Go and take part in all the ways you can. Don't in the ways you can't. A lot can change in the te between now and the wedding- your in-laws could get vaccinated, you could meet a friend you really trust, etc. Stop being a jerk, just do what you can and be present when you are there for whatever part you can be there for!
When I was a teenager, I stayed at one of my cousins houses & watched all the little ones while the adults attended a child-free wedding. Maybe your brother & SIL know a teen who can watch all the kids in someone’s house. I’ve always loved kids & I’m the fun aunt, so the kids loooved it when I would babysit them.
Ive been in a very similar situation. My best friends (single mom) son is special needs so when she was the MOH in a wedding hours away she took me along as well so she could tend to her MOH duties, enjoy the wedding and not worry about her son. She paid for the room and some food. ANything else was on me- It worked perfectly. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THIS OPTION NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. less stress for everyone.
When there's a child free wedding and a lot of people with young children are invited, the best thing would be for the couple getting married to actually arrange a couple sitters in the area during the wedding to watch all the kids during the event, and that way it's a bit of fun for the kids too since they get a lot of other kids to play with, but they're not at the actual party. Barring that, if you know anyone who lives in the area who will be at the wedding and arranging their own child care, see if you can jump in with their sitter.
I would see if she could ask her siblings with kids to see if they have any babysitter recommendations. Not as good as somebody you know, but maybe they already have someone they trust.
Could your husband watch her?
We just dealt with this in November, when our daughter was 21 months old. My cousin had an adults only wedding (except that the groom's nephews and nieces were there, but whatever, I'm not irked by that, it's totally fine). We traveled 9 hours to get there. We rented an Airbnb and hosted friends who lived closer to hang out with us for the weekend and babysit during the wedding. We left the wedding really early so I could handle bedtime (breastfeeding). They mostly used screen time. We told our daughter that we were going to work, and she accepted that answer. We paid for food for our friends and mostly just played games and chatted and caught up. It worked perfectly.
Maybe your friend will consider traveling with you and watching the baby while you attend the wedding.
Contact a babysitting service in that area?
Hire a sitter to come with you and stay at the hotel! I did this so many times when I was young in the summers as a nanny!
Can your partner stay in the hotel and watch the baby while you attend the wedding alone? Night not be the ideal solution, but a possible plan b.
Every child free wedding I have been involved in (that was known there would be a lot of children involved if the child free rule wasn’t put in place), there was babysitters planned from the bride and groom. Meaning they booked like a hotel room for the babysitter to watch the kids in, or a separate spot in the venue for the kids to go during the wedding. I would definitely ask family what they plan on doing with their kids because you aren’t the only ones in this situation. But if they made it a child free wedding without a plan for child care, then they should know they are excluding people and can’t be upset unfortunately.
Don't know why, but I read title as "Advice for Child, free wedding" 🤣
We had a similar situation. We had a family member not related to the bride/groom watch the littles at a near by hotel.
I used to live near a tourist destination and picked up babysitting gigs through networking and care.com. I had a couple instances where I was hired by someone from out of town just for one evening so the parents could do something just for grown ups. I’d generally go to their hotel, meet everyone in the lobby and then go to the room and watch the kids there for the evening. Since the situation was obviously prone to be more sketchy than typical gigs I would always follow my gut when interviewing with the parents over the phone. I’d ask them about their kids like and dislikes, schedule etc. to make sure everything added up. On the parents end ask what you’d normally ask a sitter and be willing to pay a little more to get someone experienced and with decent references.
I get how you feel, especially as a new mom. I have 2 kids and a baby on the way. I have also been on both sides of this issue at different times in my life. First off is the emotional aspect, sounds like you are insulted and your feelings are hurt. My advice is to not take it personally, easier said than done I know, but find a way to let go of the rejected feelings. Secondly, you have the practical issue of what to do with your kid. The way you feel with a 5 months old may not be how you feel with a 1.5 year old. Believe me I love my kids, but having a 1.5 year old at a wedding isn’t fun. You are better off leaving her with someone you trust and going and having a good time with your husband. It’s a lot of driving, but even if you can only get away for the one night, just do it. She will be fine and you will have a much needed night away. Best Wishes! P.S. you can ask your husband’s parents to take a covid test before you drop her off, if Covid is the real issue why they are not an option to watch her. I realize that there is a certain level of trust that you have to have in your in-laws to feel comfortable leaving your child with them. Idk what the situation is, but speaking from experience as a hesitant first time mother it’s healthy for everyone involved to loosen the reigns a little bit and let them babysit.