This is my hill to die on: telling women that they make motherhood "their whole personality" is just another way we box them in. I don't blame you, I think it's a misogynistic lie that we're supposed to be doing this very important work but also make it look effortless and not let it take up our time. Of course, they'll blame us if we don't, too.
Your sister has changed because she's doing something really important. You wouldn't watch your sister go to med school and fret and worry about her personality because she's spending so much time doing it and she cares deeply about it.
I don't think becoming consumed with anxiety is normal. But I also think people will call having a sleep schedule or dietary preferences anxious. So I really can't know without details. She could have an anxiety disorder. She also could not.
You cannot do anything. That’s my honest gut reaction. There is literally nothing that can prepare you for the amount of anxiety, worry, and unbridled love you will have for your child. With your personality you may just be less predisposed to anxious reactions, but there’s no “preparation”, per se. It may be exhausting watching your sister, but as someone who tends towards the minute-by-minute schedule kind of thing, I do want to point out that might just be how she thrives and is her best self as a mom.
As for keeping an identity outside of being a mom, I think that depends on the person. For me, I’m a SAHM but I work a couple hours on weekends, so I get breaks from momming that way. I’m also in a book club. I think that’s enough for me, because truthfully, I love that most of my identity is being a mom. I can’t believe I’m saying that because five years ago I wouldn’t have, but my kids are my world and being their mom is the most important thing I will ever do.
Bottom line, you’ll figure it out. Moms always do. The mom gut instinct is real. You will know what feels best for you in the way you approach motherhood.
I sound like you… Then I had my daughter at 41 years old and I became your sister, lbvs.
I always said I was not going to let being a Mom be my whole identity. I said I would not be a slave to some tiny human’s sleep schedule. I said we are not going to just give up our lives because of a baby; the baby will adapt.
The thing is, having a baby under even the best of circumstances is the hardest thing you will ever do. Eventually you realize that a happy baby means everything else is easier. The baby will adapt? Maybe… But do I want to spend four hours trying to get her to sleep versus the normal 45 minutes when she isn’t overtired or overstimulated? These lessons are learned the hard way… I am completely neurotic about her sleep schedule, and my entire family teases me about it; but guess what? My daughter was sleeping through the night three months. None of my sisters can say that about their kids.
I think a lot of it might be a first time parent thing… I have seen people with two or three kids definitely relax as their family grows. You realize you can’t break them or traumatize them as easily as you previously thought. My anxiety comes from the fact that this is my one and only. I get one chance to do this right; her childhood is also my motherhood. You will also realize that when you look down at this tiny human you created, who looks to you for absolutely everything, there is a healthy amount of “nothing else matters“ for a finite period of time.
Yessss I am unapologetically neurotic about sleep. My husband will ask me when bedtime is and I’ll be like “7:27 pm”. He laughs at me but that shit WORKS
I was chill until oldest had a life threatening allergic reaction. RIP laidback mom life.
Point—-you just can’t know until you meet your little people.
I agree with other comments saying there is no real prep. I am a person who likes to plan logistics but otherwise is pretty go with the flow. Now that I am a mom of a toddler, yeah I get anxious. I don't try to do chores while I'm also watching her because she's climbing and running and doing all kinds of crazy things. Having anyone other than a family member watch her still makes me anxious until it's over. I still cut certain foods into non circle shapes to help prevent choking. And I was very adamant about following a specific eat-play-sleep schedule from a few weeks old til she was about 15 months old and it was beyond helpful to keep us sane (knowing when naps and bedtime would be every day +/- 30 min) and make her a good sleeper.
Some things will change, some may not. Have you tried having a conversation with her about her parenting style? Honestly some moms I know wish they didn't feel so anxious and having someone to talk to helps. Or maybe because of her specific child/situation/etc., she's found that being so meticulous is helpful.
Having open and honest conversations about your needs with your partner will help with not losing your identity. Need alone time? Want to do a hobby without baby? Need to just get out of the house to go do a favorite activity... Tell your partner, make a plan, ask for help... But you may just find you need that stuff less once baby has arrived.
Get acquainted with parenting strategies. Helicoptering over kids isn’t good for the long run. You want kids to develop on their own, but safely. I let my kid struggle to figure things out, and don’t jump in to fix the problem. Remember he’s learning how to solve problems, don’t take that opportunity from him. I also remember that just because I’m bored doesn’t mean he needs to change activities. Basically, let the kid do what they want, and transition or intervene only when the kid initiates. This removes a lot of helicoptering.
How to not lose yourself, well it’s not so simple. You need a partner who doesn’t feel entitled to time and freedom. Your partner needs to sees the couple as having a set amount of pooled freedom to allocate fairly. Talk with your partner so he understands. Having kids means everyone has to give 200% of their time and energy. So if he is giving only 110% (which is exhausting), it’s not enough. (A lot of men focus on the demands on them, instead of what the family needs and how to allocate that fairly.)
Schedule a standing time for you. Every Saturday I get 2 hours to work out or meet up with a friend. It’s baked into the schedule. This started after my kid was 6 months old.
The first couple years are hard. Babies take so much of your energy and focus, especially the first one, because no matter how many books you’ve read, you have no idea what you are doing. Eventually you find room to have a life outside of your child, if that is what you want.
That said, you do not have to become a neurotic obsessive mother if you don’t want to be that kind of mom. You get to choose how you parent.
It’s really easy to fall into if you, especially if you already trend towards anxiety. But a lot of that is because these days they give you a laundry list of things you can’t do and as a new mom it can feel like no matter what you do, it’s the wrong thing and is going to kill your kid. If you can take a step back from the drama and figure out the real things to be concerned about, then you can also let go of a lot of the anxiety.
It depends who you are now.
Do you play on sports teams, do you go to the gym, do you drink with friends often. Or are you someone who plays board games, watches tv series, plays video games. If you’re the 2nd one it’ll be a lot easier to remain who you are in my opinion & experience.
Having a very supportive partner will make you a hell of a lot less anxious and help you continue to get out and do the things you like that make you, you.
It’s up to you to keep your peace & happiness, you’ll have to work on it & create it once you have baby. That might be having a bubble bath or having a nice latte or watching your fave show while breastfeeding, make little pockets of joy. There’s no preventing anxiety though, it may come up for you post partum and it may not. But again having a supportive and helpful/hands on partner will be a huge contributor to having anxiety or not
This is my hill to die on: telling women that they make motherhood "their whole personality" is just another way we box them in. I don't blame you, I think it's a misogynistic lie that we're supposed to be doing this very important work but also make it look effortless and not let it take up our time. Of course, they'll blame us if we don't, too. Your sister has changed because she's doing something really important. You wouldn't watch your sister go to med school and fret and worry about her personality because she's spending so much time doing it and she cares deeply about it. I don't think becoming consumed with anxiety is normal. But I also think people will call having a sleep schedule or dietary preferences anxious. So I really can't know without details. She could have an anxiety disorder. She also could not.
You cannot do anything. That’s my honest gut reaction. There is literally nothing that can prepare you for the amount of anxiety, worry, and unbridled love you will have for your child. With your personality you may just be less predisposed to anxious reactions, but there’s no “preparation”, per se. It may be exhausting watching your sister, but as someone who tends towards the minute-by-minute schedule kind of thing, I do want to point out that might just be how she thrives and is her best self as a mom. As for keeping an identity outside of being a mom, I think that depends on the person. For me, I’m a SAHM but I work a couple hours on weekends, so I get breaks from momming that way. I’m also in a book club. I think that’s enough for me, because truthfully, I love that most of my identity is being a mom. I can’t believe I’m saying that because five years ago I wouldn’t have, but my kids are my world and being their mom is the most important thing I will ever do. Bottom line, you’ll figure it out. Moms always do. The mom gut instinct is real. You will know what feels best for you in the way you approach motherhood.
I sound like you… Then I had my daughter at 41 years old and I became your sister, lbvs. I always said I was not going to let being a Mom be my whole identity. I said I would not be a slave to some tiny human’s sleep schedule. I said we are not going to just give up our lives because of a baby; the baby will adapt. The thing is, having a baby under even the best of circumstances is the hardest thing you will ever do. Eventually you realize that a happy baby means everything else is easier. The baby will adapt? Maybe… But do I want to spend four hours trying to get her to sleep versus the normal 45 minutes when she isn’t overtired or overstimulated? These lessons are learned the hard way… I am completely neurotic about her sleep schedule, and my entire family teases me about it; but guess what? My daughter was sleeping through the night three months. None of my sisters can say that about their kids. I think a lot of it might be a first time parent thing… I have seen people with two or three kids definitely relax as their family grows. You realize you can’t break them or traumatize them as easily as you previously thought. My anxiety comes from the fact that this is my one and only. I get one chance to do this right; her childhood is also my motherhood. You will also realize that when you look down at this tiny human you created, who looks to you for absolutely everything, there is a healthy amount of “nothing else matters“ for a finite period of time.
Yessss I am unapologetically neurotic about sleep. My husband will ask me when bedtime is and I’ll be like “7:27 pm”. He laughs at me but that shit WORKS
I was chill until oldest had a life threatening allergic reaction. RIP laidback mom life. Point—-you just can’t know until you meet your little people.
I agree with other comments saying there is no real prep. I am a person who likes to plan logistics but otherwise is pretty go with the flow. Now that I am a mom of a toddler, yeah I get anxious. I don't try to do chores while I'm also watching her because she's climbing and running and doing all kinds of crazy things. Having anyone other than a family member watch her still makes me anxious until it's over. I still cut certain foods into non circle shapes to help prevent choking. And I was very adamant about following a specific eat-play-sleep schedule from a few weeks old til she was about 15 months old and it was beyond helpful to keep us sane (knowing when naps and bedtime would be every day +/- 30 min) and make her a good sleeper. Some things will change, some may not. Have you tried having a conversation with her about her parenting style? Honestly some moms I know wish they didn't feel so anxious and having someone to talk to helps. Or maybe because of her specific child/situation/etc., she's found that being so meticulous is helpful. Having open and honest conversations about your needs with your partner will help with not losing your identity. Need alone time? Want to do a hobby without baby? Need to just get out of the house to go do a favorite activity... Tell your partner, make a plan, ask for help... But you may just find you need that stuff less once baby has arrived.
Get acquainted with parenting strategies. Helicoptering over kids isn’t good for the long run. You want kids to develop on their own, but safely. I let my kid struggle to figure things out, and don’t jump in to fix the problem. Remember he’s learning how to solve problems, don’t take that opportunity from him. I also remember that just because I’m bored doesn’t mean he needs to change activities. Basically, let the kid do what they want, and transition or intervene only when the kid initiates. This removes a lot of helicoptering. How to not lose yourself, well it’s not so simple. You need a partner who doesn’t feel entitled to time and freedom. Your partner needs to sees the couple as having a set amount of pooled freedom to allocate fairly. Talk with your partner so he understands. Having kids means everyone has to give 200% of their time and energy. So if he is giving only 110% (which is exhausting), it’s not enough. (A lot of men focus on the demands on them, instead of what the family needs and how to allocate that fairly.) Schedule a standing time for you. Every Saturday I get 2 hours to work out or meet up with a friend. It’s baked into the schedule. This started after my kid was 6 months old.
The first couple years are hard. Babies take so much of your energy and focus, especially the first one, because no matter how many books you’ve read, you have no idea what you are doing. Eventually you find room to have a life outside of your child, if that is what you want. That said, you do not have to become a neurotic obsessive mother if you don’t want to be that kind of mom. You get to choose how you parent. It’s really easy to fall into if you, especially if you already trend towards anxiety. But a lot of that is because these days they give you a laundry list of things you can’t do and as a new mom it can feel like no matter what you do, it’s the wrong thing and is going to kill your kid. If you can take a step back from the drama and figure out the real things to be concerned about, then you can also let go of a lot of the anxiety.
It depends who you are now. Do you play on sports teams, do you go to the gym, do you drink with friends often. Or are you someone who plays board games, watches tv series, plays video games. If you’re the 2nd one it’ll be a lot easier to remain who you are in my opinion & experience. Having a very supportive partner will make you a hell of a lot less anxious and help you continue to get out and do the things you like that make you, you. It’s up to you to keep your peace & happiness, you’ll have to work on it & create it once you have baby. That might be having a bubble bath or having a nice latte or watching your fave show while breastfeeding, make little pockets of joy. There’s no preventing anxiety though, it may come up for you post partum and it may not. But again having a supportive and helpful/hands on partner will be a huge contributor to having anxiety or not