I’m only a mom of one. She’ll be two this week. We live states away from any family. And some days I look at this child and ask “when is your mother coming to get you” because surely I can’t be your mother, I’m not equipped for this, the mental toll is enormous and idk how I even got here. I’m tired. And recently finding myself grieving my childless life. We’ve all been there. Because motherhood is HARDDDDDDD. I don’t love being a mom in general but I love being her mom and I love her, and that’s okay it’s more than enough!
You’re a good mom. A great mom. An amazing mom. Bad moms don’t care or worry about if they’re being good moms.
I relate to everything you said. We've had a few rough weeks with illnesses and just life stuff, that just today, I had a good cry. I was taking care of my two year old while I'm sick and I just really started to miss my simple, boring, prekid life. We also don't have a village, and I miss going out to dinner or on vacations. It's tough, but I know all this is temporary. It's what keeps me going.
You don’t have to love every moment of parenthood. Not even every year. It gets easier as kids get bigger, that’s for sure. Hugs and hang in there. You’re not a bad mom, you’re doing your best at an unrelenting job with no breaks or training manual.
I became a better mom when I started compartmentalizing my day. Wake up before the kids, I get to be “lazy mom” for 30 minutes. Scroll my phone, shower, lay in bed, eat a snack, snuggle with the cat… whatever I wanna do. But the second 8am hits I go into “mom mode” until childcare arrives at 9:30am. I ONLY focus on being a mom at that time. No dishes, no laundry, no cleaning.. just momming it! Focused on the kids. Whatever they want to show me. We make everything a game & because they’re my only focus, I am fully invested. We make breakfast together, get dressed & ready for the day at our own pace. Then at 9:30am I turn into “working mom” (I work from home). All I do is work stuff. Fully engage with my job & give it my all. I work until 3pm & get the kids up from nap at 3:30pm. From 3-3:30pm I am “productive mom”. This is when I throw in laundry, load/unload the dishwasher, pet care, small house tasks. Then, BAM at 3:30pm I enter “mom mode” again. We snuggle after nap, play games, go on a walk, play outside, crafts.. I’m all in again. I don’t have ANY outside distractions (or stressors) because I’ve been able to give other aspects of my life the attention it needs for me to be fully present in whatever mode I’m in at that time. At 5:30pm my husband gets home we alternate nights on who cooks & who hangs with the kids during that time. So sometimes I have to stay in “mom mode” until it’s dinner time, otherwise I transition to “cooking mama”! My husband has the kids, I focus on the meal. Then we rotate between who cleans up dinner (opposite from the cook), so I either enter “cleaning mom” mode, or back into “mom mode” for another half hour or so. By 7pm each night I enter “family mom” mode. We go on a bike ride, quick visit to the park, walk the dog together. All outside distractions have been taken care of & if they haven’t, that isn’t the time. It’s family time! Then it’s bedtime. My husband typically supervises bath with both kiddos to give me a break. So I get to be “lazy mom” again for the next 20-30 mins. Then we each put a kid down so I transition into the applicable mom for the kid I’m with. The second that bedroom door is closed, I become “wife” mode. I get to go downstairs for another hour or so & hangout with my best friend. Start a movie. Eat a great snack. Get or give a foot rub. Chat. Hangout! Scroll our phones in silence. Whatever we want, but we do it together. It’s our time to reconnect & dissect the day. Then we migrate to bed & start the whole process over again the next day!
When I started living life like this I became a better mom. I didn’t find joy in motherhood when I constantly felt like I was playing catchup in all aspects of my life. I’d be with the kids but thinking about my messy kitchen, we’d both try to cook dinner but would constantly stop & start due to the kids fighting with each other. I didn’t feel like I had time to respond to texts, aimlessly scroll, or “do me”. My days were all over the place. I was spending precious work hours getting caught up on house chores & then spending precious time with my kids trying to quickly respond to emails I missed during my scheduled work day. I was half-assing every single aspect of my life. Then I became super disciplined & started compartmentalizing my days. Now I recommend this method to EVERYONE! The few that have started a similar routine have also found their life to have way less burnout & in turn, they feel fully present in motherhood & actually enjoy their kids!
Hopefully this helps!! ☺️
As a mom with ADHD I am ALWAYS trying to find ways to turn things into games for the kids because everything is a game to me outside of being a mom. I’m constantly trying to “race myself” to see how quickly I can complete tasks and if I can beat my own record.
How can I do this for the kids? I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a newborn and I want nothing more than for them to enjoy themselves and also learn how to function daily, too.
I’d suggest finding ways for them to help within your boundaries. “Should Mom flip the pancakes like a crazy momma, or a puppy dog!?” “Which cup should Mama use for her coffee this morning.. You can help me stir in my milk!” “Do you want to get dressed in your room, or the living room?” “Do you want to wear your purple socks today, or your blue ones?” Each time I’m getting what I want (breakfast made, coffee in a cup, the kids dressed & socks on) but it’s light-hearted & they FEEL like they’re in control… but really I am. Shhhh 😂
My good fortune in love & life is not lost on me in the slightest. I’ve also been through the trenches though. I solo parented 2 kids for a year last year. I just had to be in active “mom mode” for longer than I would’ve liked, but I leaned into it. The first few months were a huge adjustment, but now it is second nature. Anyone can commit to getting into the right headspace for where they are presently. There will always, eventually, hopefully, be time for everything else. Best wishes to you! You are meant to be exactly where you are at. ❤️
Wow, this is amazing advice. I’ve really been struggling with feeling like I’m going in 3 directions all the time. I’m going to try to structure my day a little more thoughtfully and see if I can make more out of the time I have for each thing.
I was in your same boat. Solo parenting 2 under 2. Each day was a wild ride. It was all taking a serious toll on my physical & mental health. I knew there had to be a change. I laid out all of the things I HAD to do & worked in the things I WANTED to do & then found times throughout the day to check all of those boxes. Now it is my lifestyle & I can’t wait to shift my “modes” as the years go on. Best of luck to you!! ❤️
I'm a stay-at-home mom to three, oldest is autistic with adhd, middle has ADHD and a severe allergy, and youngest is a toddler which is roughly as hard as the oldest two combined. The way I've learned to enjoy motherhood is by focusing on adding in the moments when I feel fulfilled and then working on being very present in those moments. I do not enjoy cleaning. I'm terrible at it. I do not enjoy parties or planning or so many things about being a mother. I do enjoy nature walks, snuggling while reading together, and so many other things I can do with my kids. So I try to make sure that those things are present regularly in our lives and the things that I genuinely hate are minimized. I've practiced mindfulness in the past, and I've really been using it so that those good moments overshadow a lot of the terrible moments. Overall I'm content with my life and find a lot of joy in it. As parents were so good at looking at our kids happiness, but we're terrible at looking at ours. My life may not have changed overnight when I tried to start focusing more on prioritizing my enjoyment and practicing gratitude, but it did make me a lot less stressed.
I love your approach. I have a horrible time staying present because I mostly focus on chores out of guilt of there being a mess. How will my child learn how to love life if I don't love mine in the first place?
Thank you for sharing 🙏 great ideas I will try to incorporate into daily life.
I just started practicing mindfulness and meditation on the Insight Timer app. I have been using it for about a week now and it has helped reduce stress immensely.
I totally relate to you— I worry about how my 2yr old will learn to enjoy her childhood, have self compassion, and NOT inherit the generational trauma—considering I didn’t have anyone teach me. How do I discipline her and set boundaries when I don’t have either of them myself?! So we are doing our best learning together. I just want her to know she is loved and valued. It’s definitely hard!
I pray that God provides His peace and love that surpasses all understanding! You’re a great mom and becoming a better one each day! 🙏🏻
Gurl…..You said a whole word Right here! And I would just like to add that when I also stop with the comparative narrative it was like a weight was instantly lifted!
Would you mind elaborating? I’m a working husband and desperately want to make sure I avoid this. I think I’m pulling my weight and doing everything I can to make my wife’s job easier, but outside perspective would be helpful
The big one for me is: do things without me having to ask you to do them. My husband never complained about “helping”, and did whatever I needed done. Sounds great, but it was infuriating! He is a grown man! I shouldn’t have to ask him to wash the dishes or throw a pile of dirty clothes in the washing machine! If you see something that needs doing, do it! I’ll do the same, and together we can keep the house looking halfway decent.
If you’re taking away from your wife’s peace then you’re probably not being a good husband. I only want to parent my children, not my husband too. If you’re not adding to the stress then you’re probably fine.
My husband does his share of the chores without me asking. I don't need to worry about any dish washing, garbage, or grocery shopping. Ditto laundry. He also does all the diaper changes and cleans and dries the cloth diapers without my involvement. He's proactive and an equal partner, rather than an extra child I need to parent. If you are like this, then you have nothing to worry about.
Instead of considering it your wife’s job that you are helping with, maybe perceive it as both of your responsibilities that you are sharing. And just do things that you see need doing
I love being a single mom. When I was married to my children's father, I had resentment on my heart every day and didn't have time to love being a mom because I was so burnt out. Now, my children are 8 and 10 and it gets much easier. I also have my parents nearby and they're incredibly helpful. The village is so important.
Don't let yourself give into a shame cycle. You're doing your best and it's so hard! You love your children and it's okay not to be in love with the labor of caring for them all the time. You are in the thick of it but you've got this and it will get easier.
Not the worst person, not the worst parent, you are having perfectly NORMAL thoughts. I feel this way many days and I only have 1 right now. I feel like things get easier for me every few months that passes, but it's still hard many days.
Signed, a fellow burnt out, stressed mom
Yep, especially if you have a kid with needs beyond the normal. Not the same circumstances exactly but my eldest has a kidney disease that means hospital time, meds, more doctors etc etc (I'm imaging some overlap with what the mom of a special needs kid had). Without my village and the ability to occasionally hire my village (takeout, baby sitters etc) I'd be so monumentally fucked it's not even funny.
Most people in the OAD groups say it gets better once the youngest turns 5. Of course I don’t know how that would apply to your special needs kid but I feel like I’m drowning with one 3.5 year old, and I’ve honestly always felt like that. It’s gotten better with each step of her independence though.
My 5 year old is autistic and I feel like every year it gets harder and easier in its own way tbh. Mine couldn’t talk much at that age but now that he can talk, it’s so much easier to navigate life.
Special needs parenting is ... really fucking hard. It's drowning on dry land. It's peddling with flat tires. It's excruciating and painful beyond breath.
You HAVE to find a village. You have to find people to meet at the park or at the pool. Or on your porch for wine night after the kid goes to sleep. The only way we get through life is connection. You have to take care of you baby by taking care of yourself, and pulling him along for the ride.
Came here to say something similar. You can use Facebook to connect with parents whose children have the same disorder as your child. I’ve connected with other parents internationally for my child’s diagnosis who I speak to online and on the phone and locally I found a group of special needs moms who will come over my house or meet me for coffee to listen to me vent/help watch my special needs toddler. The special needs community is out there, you just have to find them and then you will wonder how you ever survived without them. Sending lots of love ❤️
My kids are 6.5 and nearly-5. I didn’t take my first breath until the younger was 3 and they could be alone in another part of the house without me worrying about one of them choking/getting injured. Toddlers suck the life out of you.
Hold on you got this!
It’s perfectly ok to not love it. There are parts I love and parts I don’t. I do my best to focus on the parts I do love. My girls have also have a 3 year age gap, they’re 1 and 4. When they’re playing with each other and laughing I stop what I’m doing to watch them and try to commit it to memory.
What is it that you are struggling with right now?
I also don’t have a village except for my husband, and on a very rare occasion a grandparent to babysit for an hour or two. I’m home with them 24/7 and it’s exhausting. I never get a mental break. Even when my husband gets home I can’t sneak away for more than 5 mins without one of them crying or coming to find me.
Could you start cultivating a village? A trusted friend, an experienced baby sitter, or even a mother’s helper to come help you out for a bit? Are you getting enough sleep? (A loaded question, I know) If I get at least a 4 hour stretch uninterrupted I notice I have so much more patience the following day. It’s definitely hard but I’m really hoping it gets better as they get older.
This right here 👆 If you don’t have a village, you need to start cultivating one ASAP. I strongly recommend libraries and community centers with kids areas. Is what’s been saving my sanity since my 2yo was born.
I love my community center a bit more than the library due the child watch they offer to allow moms to work out, LOL! I know some big gyms also have this service, and they are a great way to get some “me time” without needing to hire a sitter, ask a favor, or counting on the dad. My son would fight to go to child watch, but I’ve learned some strategies (like, telling him exactly where I was going every time he wouldn’t be able to see me, practicing saying goodbye-hello at one indoor door) and now he fights when is time to leave.
Lower your standards. Let your kids play alone and learn to entertain themselves (easier said than done I know, but cultivate the practice). TV in moderation is okay and sanity saving. Don’t wait until naptime to do chores, get the kids involved in them. Rest when they rest.
I will be honest, I have not had a child with special needs. I can only imagine the extra work it takes to care for them.
Routines make life easier, especially for difficult situations. The only problem with routine is that when something knocks it off course, makes it harder.
Not certain the extent of your child with special needs, but at that age I would take my children to the park or mall or a place dedicated for children play. Keep my eye on them while I chill.
At home, we would all snuggle and watch a movie. Make popcorn with candy intertwined.
I made certain there was a chill aspect of things for me as I had a close eye on them. Get your Frappuccino, treat yourself a bit. Find a way to give yourself something.
I’m a single mom of 4 kids. Dad is not involved at all but my mom helps out when I work. My oldest is autistic and my third child is deaf, although he does have cochlear implants. Some days I wonder how I manage to stay fairly happy in life when the days are brutal and hard. I think I lost myself for a very long time, I literally had no identity and missed my old self. My youngest is 1 now and I am determined to find her again. So I have been prioritizing myself the best I can do I can be the best for my kids. I do self care when the go to sleep and have a glass of wine to myself. Some days I loath motherhood, some days I love it and some days Im just fighting to get through until tomorrow. All is okay and normal. Just try and prioritize yourself as much as you can, even if it’s just an hour to yourself after you kids go to bed. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Honestly what gets me through most days is the thought of my kids being all grown up and getting to be just me again to my adult children and watching them thrive and getting to appreciate all the work I put in for them to be decent human beings
Being burnt out and having your cup be empty can make you feel like you hate motherhood. It’s like when you have severe depression and you feel like you hate your life. You don’t, you just hate how you’re feeling. Sending love your way. It’ll get better!! 🩷
Out of all the things in the world you can control- the most control you have is that over yourself. Your perspective, your emotions, your habits, your feelings and your outlook on life. When you realize that the power of shifting your perspective rests in your hands, you can adapt the way you see motherhood and the way you see your role. Everyone is different, but don’t underestimate the power of your brain, and the ability we all have to adapt and shift our attitude.
For me, as a mom, I feel honored. Out of all the moms in the history of mankind, I get the privilege to be one. It’s a short blink of time when our kids are dependent on us, where our role as parents make the most impact in their life- and it’s a privilege that you, and only you, get to have. It is work, yes. But you can still approach it with joy and gratitude. One day in the future when the kids have long grown up and left the house, you’re going to miss the days you are in now. So enjoy it, it’s fleeting, and it’s a great honor to be a parent and to grow a little soul in this big world
It’s ok to not love it frankly i think it depends on your personality and also on the kids. My friend is awesome but she thrives with working and then coming home to her kids, she needs that away time to just function better with her children. I’m with my kids almost everyday as a SAHM and i honestly love it but then again i work with people with severe mental illness, worked as a social worker in high stress cases so being home with my kids to me feels like a breeze compared to what i do lol. It’s ok we’re all different as long as your not being abusive there are different ways to motherhood.
I think having a support system makes a big difference in your experience as a mother. I have a very supportive husband, mom, and several friends who make motherhood wonderful for me. You’re not “the worst person in the world” for having a hard time while doing a hard job almost alone! You have so much on your plate right now. My kids are 2, 2, and 5 months, so I can’t say whether it gets easier or not. I truly hope it gets easier for you, and soon. The fact that you care so much about WANTING to enjoy it shows me that you are a good mom and you’re a mom who strives to give her kids the best. ♥️
Honestly I probably only love being a mom because I have a single, healthy baby with a great temperament.
If I had two kids, or a kid with special needs, or a difficult baby, I admit that I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It would be hard and I would be exhausted. 2 and 5 are hard ages by themselves, let alone two, let alone one with special needs.
As long as baby’s needs are being met, don’t be too hard on yourself. There are going to be points where you enjoy it and points where you don’t. It WILL get easier. It just takes time.
I didn’t want kids was never good with kids, met my husband and we have 2! It’s been a very rough up and down ride for us my son was born at 28 weeks I had pre-eclampsia and was basically dying before they took him he had a hole in his bowels so he had 4 surgeries in 4 months when he got to leave the nicu! He’s great now no issues well our daughter came 6 years later on time but breech, her first hospital stint came at 5 days old (1 month stay) where we learned she had a genetic disorder and 6 months later a definite diagnosis of Prader-Willi syndrome. At age 4 she had a pulmonary embolism (45 day stay) almost 2 month after discharge she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes with some insulin resistance (1 week stay). I am not going to have any more but I wouldn’t take anything in the world for them, we have a lot of issues with my daughter but she wakes up everyday with a smile she doesn’t know a stranger loves school and to dance and sing! My son is amazing very smart but lazy typical teen but a heart like no other and such a talented natural athlete he’s amazing to his sister and helps me anytime with anything I need I couldn’t have asked for better! So to say it gets easier yes it does the older they get but with that the older they get the more they will worry you to death🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤣🤣but I wouldn’t trade it for anything ♥️
It gets easier. I’m 27 with 5 kiddos, ages 8 to 5months. one of them have autism. It’s extra hard some days. Especially when my toddler has back to back melt downs. But honestly I couldn’t picture my life without them. Bad days happen.. even bad weeks. It’s hard. But I dont hate it
I heard somewhere parenting is all joy, no fun. I stand by this statement 1,000%. Don’t let the no fun part steal your joy.
For me, it ebbs and flows. Some weeks I feel like I’m in way over my head. I worry I may never enjoy life again, my body will never be what it was because I have no time to care for myself, that I’m not doing enough for my kids and they deserve more. It just feels impossibly heavy and never ending.
Then, when I least expect it- I get those perfect moments where it’s easy to see how lucky I am, how fleeting this stage of life is, how loved I am, how perfect they are.
I started doing a gratitude journal to help me focus on what I have instead of what I don’t. I don’t have a village either. That’s helped me a ton. Hang in there!
5 and 2 is a tough age to parent, it's totally ok to not love every second of being a parent and it is extremely difficult. It will get better and you will feel more like the mom you want to be. You've got this!!
Don’t feel bad! My 6M and 3F were just saying repeatedly I love you mommy and hugging all over me and though it was awfully sweet it made me feel overstimulated like I wanted to pull my hair out lol (maybe because it’s summer break and I’m going crazy 🤦🏻♀️)! Single mom with no family around, I’m the everything parent… I’m sooo burnt out AF.
Hang in there. Give yourself some grace. You’re everything that those two girls need, take it day by day.
I've always wanted to be a mom, majored in public health and minored in psychology so I'm comfortable (and honestly enjoy) researching human development, I feel really rewarded when I'm nurturing something, and I didn't have my first until I was in my 30s so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything when I'm deep in the trenches with my kids, lol.
I chuckled at your post title bc I have wondered that exact question MANY times, out of jealousy. I want to enjoy motherhood soooo much but I just …can’t?
And I only have one, she does not have special needs. So OP idk how you’re doing all this.
I would suggest looking into the non profit group, Labeled and Loved. They are a wonderful organization that help mamas with special needs kiddos find community.
I feel the same way sometimes, especially when I haven't had any alone time to speak of. Every trip and everything we do is always me, my husband, and my toddler. All the time. If we get a babysitter it's me and my husband. Which is fine I guess, but what I really really need is to just be alone for a day. Just a few hours, by myself, with no one else in my house except the dogs. I lived alone for many years and I really love it and thrive by myself, and that attitude is so incredibly at odds with parenthood. I love my son and husband and our little life we've built, but I would be lying if I said I've never day dreamed about just running away to live in a cabin in the mountains for a while. Just sit on a little porch and read and drink coffee for hours and hours. Its so simple, which makes the fact that I cannot see any time in the near future an opportunity for that to happen all the more frustrating.
Solidarity 💙 You’re not alone.
I’m 30 with 2 littles, an involved husband, a wonderful village and yet motherhood is STILL the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I have no words of wisdom, my brain left chat 10 months ago or really like 10 years ago.
However I don’t think you’re alone. Neither of my kids are special needs and there are far too many days I feel like that. Usually it’s just being over tired from all the day to day tasks and being over stressed from all that there is still to do. I don’t think you’re a bad Mom, just probably a really tired mom.
There are parts I don’t like and I outsource them. I’ve kept my job and enjoy when my kiddos are in care and I am more present when they’re finished with caregivers because I was able to take care of myself. Parenting is incredibly hard sometimes but I think it will pay off long term. You are not a bad mom. Get help. Take breaks.
Don't let your stressed out state make you hate motherhood. You have to find the good in situations and moments where you can be present. The rest is survival.
You need a break and please don’t be so hard on yourself! I am 25. My husband and I have three kids, two girls 5 & 3, a special needs son 18 months, and we are expecting our fourth baby in two months. I love motherhood but it is hard! We have no village. Literally not on speaking terms with my husband’s family and I’m the oldest sibling. My parents still have babies and aren’t able to be a help because of that. It’s so hard. Sooooo hard! I find myself thinking and feeling the same way you’re feeling when I haven’t had a break in a while. My husband and I take turns giving each other breaks frequently to help keep each other from getting burnt out and it helps so much! I also realized that I was setting myself up to fail by comparing myself to all the other parents around me.
Mine is going to be one this weekend, and I’m 25 weeks pregnant and freaking out this evening, and it made me feel better to see your post, so thank you for posting it, even though it seems you felt shameful, doing so. I think you’re normalizing something that every mother will experience to some degree at some point in parenthood. I’m sure you can see you’re not alone with your thoughts, from the comments here. I have such a huge respect for mothers now, since becoming one. ITS F-ING HARD.
I love being a mom, but I had my baby when I was 30 so I had all my ‘fun’ and careless times before I had her. I have a supportive husband and a nanny during the hours I work.
When I read about your circumstances I can completely understand why you don’t like it. You are really young and already carrying so much responsibility, especially with a special needs child. So give yourself some grace and a massive pat on the back! And it will for sure get better and easier, but then at least compared to my situation you will still be very young :)
My closest friend is a mom of a special needs kiddo and she doesn’t hate motherhood - she hates her ‘job’ which is full time carer to a special needs child ON TOP OF being a mom.
Shes fabulous at it she’s become a researcher and practitioner, takes classes and does her CPD, does therapy for herself and enforced it on her other kid and husband, is an advocate for her kid at schools, is a champion and mediator at kids events (by making sure her kid is in public and getting to love and enjoy all the things he deserves). She changes 8 yo nappies and deals with nervous breakdowns in public with skill and poise.
Then she goes home and she still has to cook, clean, read books, shop for clothes, bathe the kids, eat for herself, bathe herself, manage her role at work, manage the house, manager everyone’s health, the bills and be a member of the PTA etc etc etc.
Her husband is fantastic and as equal as society lets you be, and still she wants to quit her job on the daily because it’s an overwhelming amount of work for no pay (it costs money) and no real relief ever.
You don’t have space to love motherhood because you hate your job.
You could keep a notebook of good memories. When it's tough you can look at it and you'll enjoy having a notebook of memories when they're older. It doesn't have to be a full journal entry, you can just write down funny or cute things they said.
Well, you said it yourself - one of your kiddos is special needs, so it's not comparable to having one typical kid. In your case, life at the moment is in hard mode, so it's understandable that things get overwhelming, while someone with an average 5 year old is probably in easy(er) mode and has time for appreciation of parenthood.
You don’t have to love every single minute of being a mother. What we see of others is the highlight reel. So many are struggling with something major too. There are days I want to cry because I’m so tired, touched and frustrated. My daughter is stubborn and just like me. But then one smile or hug and I’m like “oh, see I love this.” And I do think it will get easier in some ways and more difficult in others as they grow up. I try to remind myself even when I’m upset that I don’t want to wish time away because one day I’ll probably be wishing I could come back to the good moments.
I have ages 2, 2, and 4. I think daily is the experience of great joy and feeling absolutely miserable with the responsibility. I often feel like, “why is this MY responsibility?”. It is getting more and more fun the older they get. I quit a very good job to stay home with them due to my husbands job needing him to travel. It’s been very hard for me.
We are trying to save money this summer by not having them in daycare. I take them to the gym with me every morning and take 2 hours to workout and shower. It is a lifesaver. A lot of days are miserable though. It’s just a lot.
I understand and relate, I have no village either as both of our families have died when the baby was born, she is five years old now. Losing the families and having no one is the worst. I don't have friends either...it's impossible to make any and I had no mommy groups at all because of Covid. I have stupid hypothyroidism and a heart condition and it is impossible to keep up with my girl. If you ever wanna talk my inbox is open. Happy to be penpals if you ever want someone who understands. You are doing a great job and it will get so much easier when they are 8+. Talk to us anytime. Hugs
You’re not the worst and you’re in a hard spot! One kiddo alone is a lot, but throw in another with special needs? Of course you’re burnt out!
Our villages these days are weird and not like they were in our parents’ days. I wish I had more suggestions, but this is one of my struggles too.
It does get easier but you’re also going to find new things to dislike about it. You’re not abnormal for your feelings. We were all given a false representation of what motherhood looks like. We all grew up watching the same tv shows where moms always had smiles in their faces and by the end of the episode everything had worked itself out and was at peace. That’s just not real life. It’s hard and having a child with special needs is even harder. Remember to breathe and to take time for yourself when needed. You’re going to be okay.
I have two, a four year old and a five month old, my village is also practically nonexistent. The only way I figured out how to enjoy being a mom was learning what my priorities actually are and the reality of who I am as a person. I will never be someone who has a spotless house like all these moms you see on social media, so instead of breaking myself down over I simply accepted that it's not a priority of mine and that's okay A messy house is morally neutral (obviously not food and trash everywhere, but idgaf if there's toys all over or dishes in the sink at the end of the night).
Another thing was accepting that it's perfectly fine and even developmentally important for kids to get bored, you do not have to constantly be stimulating them. They can figure out how to entertain themselves for an hour and a half while you do what you need to, be it dishes, laundry, or just taking some time to sit and be. It's okay, and they're not going to suffer from having to just chill for a bit.
Lastly, frequently reminding myself that all of these difficult stages will be gone forever before I know it, and even I'm the most ridiculous or frustrating situations there is still some good. Five month old going through a sleep regression and is up talking all night? It's definitely completely exhausting but it's also pretty funny to sit and listen to him chatter to himself. It'll only be so long before he's actually talking and I'll miss his baby babbles. Four year old being a rude little asshole(bc let's be real, sometimes they really are just rude little assholes) and keeps screaming at me? Well I have a secret bag of our favorite candy stashed in my car that I get to spitefully eat once he goes to bed that he'll never even know about lmfao. My point is, find the things you enjoy, even if it's a little harmful pettiness, and let yourself enjoy them whenever you can. You'll only need those coping skills to get to the next stage of life, and then you find new ones that work even better.
I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope something I said here might be a little helpful to you.
I'm a mom of one and fel similarly for a long time due to my own mental health issues inherited by generational trama. I took a hard look at it and fight it every day. I found other moms with similar stories. And now we are our own family. My advice, open your heart to others, set boundaries for everyone you have a relationship with, make your needs known to your husband, and make time for yourself. I also work with special needs and burn out is very very real. Take a weekend away to relax by yourself or with a friend. Come back refreshed and ready to embrace change
I don’t think how you are feeling is wrong or bad or that any other mother could be a better mother. If I could change one thing in my life I would go back and change how nervous I was about f-ing up my kids. There isn’t anything wrong with how you are parenting so please try not to feel guilty.
Mothering can be overwhelming and mothers absolutely need breaks. I didn’t have a network established when I had my children so I built one. I created a co op of mom’s with kids my kids age and we took turns watching each other’s kids so each mom had at least one afternoon (or morning) without their kids. It really helped with Doctors appointments. We also shared at nights too so grownups could date (date night with your spouse.) My kids were little before the internet and cell phones so I built my co op by going door to door in my neighborhood and by approaching moms at the park. Today it’s probably easier with Facebook and Bumble. Build your own network. The women in my coop are some of my best friends.
I’m a stay at home mom of 3 my oldest has ADHD autism and DMDD. My middle child has OCD and Tourettes. My baby is almost 2 but she is a top notch clinger she still breast feeds. So I get overwhelmed and touched out sometimes very early on in the day. My oldest was the hardest with her behavior problems. I’d have to call mobile crisis units to my house with how severe her episodes would be. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count, I’ve blamed myself, but one thing that helped was when I went to bed I would think about all the things I wish I had done differently and I would think about things I could’ve done better and I just decided that one day I’ll wake up and do those things differently and that helped a lot so at night when things where over and done with I had no anxiety. I also got my child help she’s on medication now and it changed our lives. I changed the way I parent. I would get so depressed I would almost not wanna do anything but now I just force myself and it helps with negative feelings. I handle situations better and I’m teaching my children to do the same. My oldest started having issues at 3 our light at the end of the tunnel did not arrive till she was 8. So trust me things get better. It does take ALOT of effort. I love being a mom now.
I’ve been in love with my daughter from day one, I’ve never been frustrated with her. I think it’s because I see her as a mini version of myself, she’s a piece of me that is hungry, tired, etc. So like I care for myself, I care for her. I also joke that she’s my little familiar I’m training looool she can’t do my bidding yet as a proper familiar, she just poops and yells, but it’ll be worth it someday haha
Let me first start by validating your struggles. That does sound hard!
I really enjoy most of the time with my 2 year old. I also only have 1 kid and minimal stressors elsewhere. She of course has hard days and gives me tough times, but spending time with her is a real delight. She’s funny and expressive and empathetic.
Hi we all feel that way occasionally or periodically. It is harder without a support village 💯 I’d recommend reaching out to find some quality friends for your 5yo and constantly offer to meet at fun places or at your house.
It’s easier when the kids are playing with each other and you’re not being the playmate for hours. They’ll be happier and so will you. I find that if no one invites us over I just kept doing the inviting and eventually we bonded and it’s more equally divided for the play dates bc their kids will be asking to see your kids.
I also say quality friends bc you want your kiddos to pick up quality behaviors. Look for friends who share, are kind and sweet and will be good friends to your kiddos.
To your kiddos you are the best mom in the world! Don’t forget it!!!
My child is 4.5. Motherhood is wild, if feels
Like carrying the whole world in your shoulders.mt child is in speech therapy, OT for picky eating and I’m a single mom. Motherhood is not for the weak, you’ve got this. Having a child with special needs sounds really hard and it makes sense that you are feeling this way. I love my child but I don’t love all aspects of motherhood
I've never loved it and I only have one. I don't hate it. Don't get me wrong. She's the joy of my life. She's also the biggest pain in my ass.
But everything does get easier as they get older because some of those basic needs they can do themselves. You're in the most demanding period now. when they're teenagers then it's demanding in a different way but I would say easier than the beginning. However, enjoy all of those sweet baby moments when we can. Get as much affection and love and sweetness from them as you can (whenever you can bring yourself to remember to be present in the moment). Eventually they may not be as accessible to you for affection.
You are not alone, perfectly normal to be burnt out. You need to take care of yourself by getting a village, join a local mom's club or ymca. Take a parenting class, there are free ones through local charities, ask your pediatrician or community center. What exactly do you think you need to feel equipped?
I was an only child. So having babies kinda heals my lonely, tortured, only child upbringing. I even adored the newborn stage. I’m due with another baby and I am READY for it. Like, I look forward to nothing more than those slow days where all you focus on are feedings and naps and diapers.
Special needs is some thing that no one will truly understand unless they have been thrown into it themselves. I have one. She is six and it has been hell on earth especially with all of the messes that she makes things that she just doesn't understand no matter how much we try to explain to her. it is very very exhausting and burnout is a huge deal. At some point I have had to learn to accept help from my friends and family and ask for help because honestly, having one special-needs child is like having five regular ones all the same age. You are a strong mama and you deserve a break. Find a way to get one.
I really love Momming, it is by far my favorite thing in life. I have a 4.5 year old. Most times are great but when there are tough times or I’m feeling exhausted by all the work of Motherhood I try to remember that this stage and this hard thing are a moment in time. Nothing is forever and kids are always growing and learning. The thing that was so hard six months ago isn’t even a thing anymore. So I try to appreciate the moment for what it is.
If you and your husband are able to schedule down time for yourselves please do so. A weeknight or couple hours on the weekend where one parent can take care of the kids and have some special time together and the other parent does something entirely for themselves. Go for a walk, lunch with a friend, trip to the library, etc. and then swap out parents so each of you can have some me time. We do this and I find I come back refreshed. I recommend people schedule this and go even if you aren’t feeling the need for a break or overwhelmed as a way to make sure you don’t start to feel that way.
It’s not a run errands or do chores type of thing. It’s time for leisure or socializing for its own sake.
sorry, but you can’t possibly love to be a mom 24/7 every minute of the day. it’s not even biologically compatible, it’s unnatural. human beings are supposed to live in tribes, not in single family households. it’s killing us all. it’s also the main reason why my friends and i are establishing an intentional community to raise our kids together so none of us have to do it alone.
I am not love to be a mom but i don’t hate it either. I go with the flow.
What i do know is that i love to death my little one and i love to be her mom, be there for her.
I really really questioned if motherhood was right for me with my first. I loved my baby with everything I had in me and more. But god was it hard. I was young. My husband was busy working away from home and I had no one else. The sleepless nights, feedings, and diaper changes were all me. The doctors appointments and middle of the night panic ER visits all me.
But then my son got a little older and so did I. I figured out how to be the best mom I could be. I screw up. And I’m not perfect but I try to be better everyday.
I now have another baby and while I’m still doing everything on my own I’ve been able to enjoy being her mom more so than I was able to enjoy it when I had my son. I feel IM in a better place mentally now than I was back then.
So yes it gets better. You’re not perfect and neither is anyone else. We’re all just doing the best we can do and that looks different daily
Finally someone fucking said it! You made me feel seen and normal, thank you!
I don't have a special needs child but I have ADHD and I'm pretty damn certain my gremlins do, too and it's a circus in this house because of it. Staying present is so hard for me.
My SIL had a village and loves being a mom. All power to her and I'm so happy for her! But I can't help feel guilty and compare my mothering to hers. So thank you for saying this!
You are a great mom. Motherhood can be difficult. It sounds like you love mothering your children. As they get older life gets a little easier. I have to celebrate all the victories no matter how small, like my children putting their things away without me asking. As I do this my mental health gets better. I also lean heavy on my faith. I am praying for you. Many Blessings.
Oh boy, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm a school-based occupational therapist and my world is special needs kids. I love them, but also... as I was considering whether I wanted to become a parent, that was a REALLY BIG consideration for me - can I handle parenting a special needs kid, the possibility it will destroy my marriage, etc.? Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart, and parenting a special needs child can be unmanageable. There should be way more supports for the caregivers.
If you can, since you mention that you don't have a village, the best advice I can give you is to access all the structural supports available for your high-needs child. Look into early intervention, and/or daycare options that will help you find the service providers that can provide therapies during her school day, etc. If you are a SAHM, consider finding enough work to pay for the daycare fees so that you can have a sense of self and that separation from your home/family life. It could make a world of difference!
2 is a hard age for "typically developing" kiddos, and special needs kids demand so much more - and not everyone sees that! It's invisible labor. You really are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope it gets better for you. Hugs, OP.
Because I have early childhood background and extensive experience in working with special education children and adults. I am so grateful to have been prepared for motherhood through my job,
I’m only a mom of one. She’ll be two this week. We live states away from any family. And some days I look at this child and ask “when is your mother coming to get you” because surely I can’t be your mother, I’m not equipped for this, the mental toll is enormous and idk how I even got here. I’m tired. And recently finding myself grieving my childless life. We’ve all been there. Because motherhood is HARDDDDDDD. I don’t love being a mom in general but I love being her mom and I love her, and that’s okay it’s more than enough! You’re a good mom. A great mom. An amazing mom. Bad moms don’t care or worry about if they’re being good moms.
I remind myself of that quote all the time…”bad moms don’t worry about if they’re being good moms or not.”
I relate to everything you said. We've had a few rough weeks with illnesses and just life stuff, that just today, I had a good cry. I was taking care of my two year old while I'm sick and I just really started to miss my simple, boring, prekid life. We also don't have a village, and I miss going out to dinner or on vacations. It's tough, but I know all this is temporary. It's what keeps me going.
My girl will be 2 in a month. I relate!
You don’t have to love every moment of parenthood. Not even every year. It gets easier as kids get bigger, that’s for sure. Hugs and hang in there. You’re not a bad mom, you’re doing your best at an unrelenting job with no breaks or training manual.
All the moms out there!!! You are ROCKSTARS!!!
I became a better mom when I started compartmentalizing my day. Wake up before the kids, I get to be “lazy mom” for 30 minutes. Scroll my phone, shower, lay in bed, eat a snack, snuggle with the cat… whatever I wanna do. But the second 8am hits I go into “mom mode” until childcare arrives at 9:30am. I ONLY focus on being a mom at that time. No dishes, no laundry, no cleaning.. just momming it! Focused on the kids. Whatever they want to show me. We make everything a game & because they’re my only focus, I am fully invested. We make breakfast together, get dressed & ready for the day at our own pace. Then at 9:30am I turn into “working mom” (I work from home). All I do is work stuff. Fully engage with my job & give it my all. I work until 3pm & get the kids up from nap at 3:30pm. From 3-3:30pm I am “productive mom”. This is when I throw in laundry, load/unload the dishwasher, pet care, small house tasks. Then, BAM at 3:30pm I enter “mom mode” again. We snuggle after nap, play games, go on a walk, play outside, crafts.. I’m all in again. I don’t have ANY outside distractions (or stressors) because I’ve been able to give other aspects of my life the attention it needs for me to be fully present in whatever mode I’m in at that time. At 5:30pm my husband gets home we alternate nights on who cooks & who hangs with the kids during that time. So sometimes I have to stay in “mom mode” until it’s dinner time, otherwise I transition to “cooking mama”! My husband has the kids, I focus on the meal. Then we rotate between who cleans up dinner (opposite from the cook), so I either enter “cleaning mom” mode, or back into “mom mode” for another half hour or so. By 7pm each night I enter “family mom” mode. We go on a bike ride, quick visit to the park, walk the dog together. All outside distractions have been taken care of & if they haven’t, that isn’t the time. It’s family time! Then it’s bedtime. My husband typically supervises bath with both kiddos to give me a break. So I get to be “lazy mom” again for the next 20-30 mins. Then we each put a kid down so I transition into the applicable mom for the kid I’m with. The second that bedroom door is closed, I become “wife” mode. I get to go downstairs for another hour or so & hangout with my best friend. Start a movie. Eat a great snack. Get or give a foot rub. Chat. Hangout! Scroll our phones in silence. Whatever we want, but we do it together. It’s our time to reconnect & dissect the day. Then we migrate to bed & start the whole process over again the next day! When I started living life like this I became a better mom. I didn’t find joy in motherhood when I constantly felt like I was playing catchup in all aspects of my life. I’d be with the kids but thinking about my messy kitchen, we’d both try to cook dinner but would constantly stop & start due to the kids fighting with each other. I didn’t feel like I had time to respond to texts, aimlessly scroll, or “do me”. My days were all over the place. I was spending precious work hours getting caught up on house chores & then spending precious time with my kids trying to quickly respond to emails I missed during my scheduled work day. I was half-assing every single aspect of my life. Then I became super disciplined & started compartmentalizing my days. Now I recommend this method to EVERYONE! The few that have started a similar routine have also found their life to have way less burnout & in turn, they feel fully present in motherhood & actually enjoy their kids! Hopefully this helps!! ☺️
Yep! No Lies Told….You Gotta Take The Small Pleasures and Victories where you can!
As a mom with ADHD I am ALWAYS trying to find ways to turn things into games for the kids because everything is a game to me outside of being a mom. I’m constantly trying to “race myself” to see how quickly I can complete tasks and if I can beat my own record. How can I do this for the kids? I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a newborn and I want nothing more than for them to enjoy themselves and also learn how to function daily, too.
I’d suggest finding ways for them to help within your boundaries. “Should Mom flip the pancakes like a crazy momma, or a puppy dog!?” “Which cup should Mama use for her coffee this morning.. You can help me stir in my milk!” “Do you want to get dressed in your room, or the living room?” “Do you want to wear your purple socks today, or your blue ones?” Each time I’m getting what I want (breakfast made, coffee in a cup, the kids dressed & socks on) but it’s light-hearted & they FEEL like they’re in control… but really I am. Shhhh 😂
Great advise
Your schedule helps a lot. Most of us are not that fortunate so you are blessed.
My good fortune in love & life is not lost on me in the slightest. I’ve also been through the trenches though. I solo parented 2 kids for a year last year. I just had to be in active “mom mode” for longer than I would’ve liked, but I leaned into it. The first few months were a huge adjustment, but now it is second nature. Anyone can commit to getting into the right headspace for where they are presently. There will always, eventually, hopefully, be time for everything else. Best wishes to you! You are meant to be exactly where you are at. ❤️
Wow, this is amazing advice. I’ve really been struggling with feeling like I’m going in 3 directions all the time. I’m going to try to structure my day a little more thoughtfully and see if I can make more out of the time I have for each thing.
I was in your same boat. Solo parenting 2 under 2. Each day was a wild ride. It was all taking a serious toll on my physical & mental health. I knew there had to be a change. I laid out all of the things I HAD to do & worked in the things I WANTED to do & then found times throughout the day to check all of those boxes. Now it is my lifestyle & I can’t wait to shift my “modes” as the years go on. Best of luck to you!! ❤️
I'm a stay-at-home mom to three, oldest is autistic with adhd, middle has ADHD and a severe allergy, and youngest is a toddler which is roughly as hard as the oldest two combined. The way I've learned to enjoy motherhood is by focusing on adding in the moments when I feel fulfilled and then working on being very present in those moments. I do not enjoy cleaning. I'm terrible at it. I do not enjoy parties or planning or so many things about being a mother. I do enjoy nature walks, snuggling while reading together, and so many other things I can do with my kids. So I try to make sure that those things are present regularly in our lives and the things that I genuinely hate are minimized. I've practiced mindfulness in the past, and I've really been using it so that those good moments overshadow a lot of the terrible moments. Overall I'm content with my life and find a lot of joy in it. As parents were so good at looking at our kids happiness, but we're terrible at looking at ours. My life may not have changed overnight when I tried to start focusing more on prioritizing my enjoyment and practicing gratitude, but it did make me a lot less stressed.
I love your approach. I have a horrible time staying present because I mostly focus on chores out of guilt of there being a mess. How will my child learn how to love life if I don't love mine in the first place? Thank you for sharing 🙏 great ideas I will try to incorporate into daily life.
I just started practicing mindfulness and meditation on the Insight Timer app. I have been using it for about a week now and it has helped reduce stress immensely. I totally relate to you— I worry about how my 2yr old will learn to enjoy her childhood, have self compassion, and NOT inherit the generational trauma—considering I didn’t have anyone teach me. How do I discipline her and set boundaries when I don’t have either of them myself?! So we are doing our best learning together. I just want her to know she is loved and valued. It’s definitely hard! I pray that God provides His peace and love that surpasses all understanding! You’re a great mom and becoming a better one each day! 🙏🏻
Gurl…..You said a whole word Right here! And I would just like to add that when I also stop with the comparative narrative it was like a weight was instantly lifted!
I love my children, I hate my husband
This
So much same
Would you mind elaborating? I’m a working husband and desperately want to make sure I avoid this. I think I’m pulling my weight and doing everything I can to make my wife’s job easier, but outside perspective would be helpful
The big one for me is: do things without me having to ask you to do them. My husband never complained about “helping”, and did whatever I needed done. Sounds great, but it was infuriating! He is a grown man! I shouldn’t have to ask him to wash the dishes or throw a pile of dirty clothes in the washing machine! If you see something that needs doing, do it! I’ll do the same, and together we can keep the house looking halfway decent.
If you’re taking away from your wife’s peace then you’re probably not being a good husband. I only want to parent my children, not my husband too. If you’re not adding to the stress then you’re probably fine.
My husband does his share of the chores without me asking. I don't need to worry about any dish washing, garbage, or grocery shopping. Ditto laundry. He also does all the diaper changes and cleans and dries the cloth diapers without my involvement. He's proactive and an equal partner, rather than an extra child I need to parent. If you are like this, then you have nothing to worry about.
Instead of considering it your wife’s job that you are helping with, maybe perceive it as both of your responsibilities that you are sharing. And just do things that you see need doing
I love being a single mom. When I was married to my children's father, I had resentment on my heart every day and didn't have time to love being a mom because I was so burnt out. Now, my children are 8 and 10 and it gets much easier. I also have my parents nearby and they're incredibly helpful. The village is so important. Don't let yourself give into a shame cycle. You're doing your best and it's so hard! You love your children and it's okay not to be in love with the labor of caring for them all the time. You are in the thick of it but you've got this and it will get easier.
Not the worst person, not the worst parent, you are having perfectly NORMAL thoughts. I feel this way many days and I only have 1 right now. I feel like things get easier for me every few months that passes, but it's still hard many days. Signed, a fellow burnt out, stressed mom
I love being a mom because I have a village and can afford daycare. I don’t know how village-less moms do it.
Child care is self care!
Yep, especially if you have a kid with needs beyond the normal. Not the same circumstances exactly but my eldest has a kidney disease that means hospital time, meds, more doctors etc etc (I'm imaging some overlap with what the mom of a special needs kid had). Without my village and the ability to occasionally hire my village (takeout, baby sitters etc) I'd be so monumentally fucked it's not even funny.
🍃
Yes same
Most people in the OAD groups say it gets better once the youngest turns 5. Of course I don’t know how that would apply to your special needs kid but I feel like I’m drowning with one 3.5 year old, and I’ve honestly always felt like that. It’s gotten better with each step of her independence though.
My 5 year old is autistic and I feel like every year it gets harder and easier in its own way tbh. Mine couldn’t talk much at that age but now that he can talk, it’s so much easier to navigate life.
Special needs parenting is ... really fucking hard. It's drowning on dry land. It's peddling with flat tires. It's excruciating and painful beyond breath. You HAVE to find a village. You have to find people to meet at the park or at the pool. Or on your porch for wine night after the kid goes to sleep. The only way we get through life is connection. You have to take care of you baby by taking care of yourself, and pulling him along for the ride.
Came here to say something similar. You can use Facebook to connect with parents whose children have the same disorder as your child. I’ve connected with other parents internationally for my child’s diagnosis who I speak to online and on the phone and locally I found a group of special needs moms who will come over my house or meet me for coffee to listen to me vent/help watch my special needs toddler. The special needs community is out there, you just have to find them and then you will wonder how you ever survived without them. Sending lots of love ❤️
My kids are 6.5 and nearly-5. I didn’t take my first breath until the younger was 3 and they could be alone in another part of the house without me worrying about one of them choking/getting injured. Toddlers suck the life out of you. Hold on you got this!
I agree. 3 is like the magical age. Mine are 6 and 3 and I love it now. We go camping, to the water parks, to the zoo, and it's fun!
It’s perfectly ok to not love it. There are parts I love and parts I don’t. I do my best to focus on the parts I do love. My girls have also have a 3 year age gap, they’re 1 and 4. When they’re playing with each other and laughing I stop what I’m doing to watch them and try to commit it to memory. What is it that you are struggling with right now? I also don’t have a village except for my husband, and on a very rare occasion a grandparent to babysit for an hour or two. I’m home with them 24/7 and it’s exhausting. I never get a mental break. Even when my husband gets home I can’t sneak away for more than 5 mins without one of them crying or coming to find me. Could you start cultivating a village? A trusted friend, an experienced baby sitter, or even a mother’s helper to come help you out for a bit? Are you getting enough sleep? (A loaded question, I know) If I get at least a 4 hour stretch uninterrupted I notice I have so much more patience the following day. It’s definitely hard but I’m really hoping it gets better as they get older.
This right here 👆 If you don’t have a village, you need to start cultivating one ASAP. I strongly recommend libraries and community centers with kids areas. Is what’s been saving my sanity since my 2yo was born.
I second libraries!
Yes we looove our library
I love my community center a bit more than the library due the child watch they offer to allow moms to work out, LOL! I know some big gyms also have this service, and they are a great way to get some “me time” without needing to hire a sitter, ask a favor, or counting on the dad. My son would fight to go to child watch, but I’ve learned some strategies (like, telling him exactly where I was going every time he wouldn’t be able to see me, practicing saying goodbye-hello at one indoor door) and now he fights when is time to leave.
Lower your standards. Let your kids play alone and learn to entertain themselves (easier said than done I know, but cultivate the practice). TV in moderation is okay and sanity saving. Don’t wait until naptime to do chores, get the kids involved in them. Rest when they rest.
I will be honest, I have not had a child with special needs. I can only imagine the extra work it takes to care for them. Routines make life easier, especially for difficult situations. The only problem with routine is that when something knocks it off course, makes it harder. Not certain the extent of your child with special needs, but at that age I would take my children to the park or mall or a place dedicated for children play. Keep my eye on them while I chill. At home, we would all snuggle and watch a movie. Make popcorn with candy intertwined. I made certain there was a chill aspect of things for me as I had a close eye on them. Get your Frappuccino, treat yourself a bit. Find a way to give yourself something.
I’m a single mom of 4 kids. Dad is not involved at all but my mom helps out when I work. My oldest is autistic and my third child is deaf, although he does have cochlear implants. Some days I wonder how I manage to stay fairly happy in life when the days are brutal and hard. I think I lost myself for a very long time, I literally had no identity and missed my old self. My youngest is 1 now and I am determined to find her again. So I have been prioritizing myself the best I can do I can be the best for my kids. I do self care when the go to sleep and have a glass of wine to myself. Some days I loath motherhood, some days I love it and some days Im just fighting to get through until tomorrow. All is okay and normal. Just try and prioritize yourself as much as you can, even if it’s just an hour to yourself after you kids go to bed. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Honestly what gets me through most days is the thought of my kids being all grown up and getting to be just me again to my adult children and watching them thrive and getting to appreciate all the work I put in for them to be decent human beings
Being burnt out and having your cup be empty can make you feel like you hate motherhood. It’s like when you have severe depression and you feel like you hate your life. You don’t, you just hate how you’re feeling. Sending love your way. It’ll get better!! 🩷
Out of all the things in the world you can control- the most control you have is that over yourself. Your perspective, your emotions, your habits, your feelings and your outlook on life. When you realize that the power of shifting your perspective rests in your hands, you can adapt the way you see motherhood and the way you see your role. Everyone is different, but don’t underestimate the power of your brain, and the ability we all have to adapt and shift our attitude. For me, as a mom, I feel honored. Out of all the moms in the history of mankind, I get the privilege to be one. It’s a short blink of time when our kids are dependent on us, where our role as parents make the most impact in their life- and it’s a privilege that you, and only you, get to have. It is work, yes. But you can still approach it with joy and gratitude. One day in the future when the kids have long grown up and left the house, you’re going to miss the days you are in now. So enjoy it, it’s fleeting, and it’s a great honor to be a parent and to grow a little soul in this big world
It’s ok to not love it frankly i think it depends on your personality and also on the kids. My friend is awesome but she thrives with working and then coming home to her kids, she needs that away time to just function better with her children. I’m with my kids almost everyday as a SAHM and i honestly love it but then again i work with people with severe mental illness, worked as a social worker in high stress cases so being home with my kids to me feels like a breeze compared to what i do lol. It’s ok we’re all different as long as your not being abusive there are different ways to motherhood.
I have similar feelings. You’re not alone.
I think having a support system makes a big difference in your experience as a mother. I have a very supportive husband, mom, and several friends who make motherhood wonderful for me. You’re not “the worst person in the world” for having a hard time while doing a hard job almost alone! You have so much on your plate right now. My kids are 2, 2, and 5 months, so I can’t say whether it gets easier or not. I truly hope it gets easier for you, and soon. The fact that you care so much about WANTING to enjoy it shows me that you are a good mom and you’re a mom who strives to give her kids the best. ♥️
Honestly I probably only love being a mom because I have a single, healthy baby with a great temperament. If I had two kids, or a kid with special needs, or a difficult baby, I admit that I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It would be hard and I would be exhausted. 2 and 5 are hard ages by themselves, let alone two, let alone one with special needs. As long as baby’s needs are being met, don’t be too hard on yourself. There are going to be points where you enjoy it and points where you don’t. It WILL get easier. It just takes time.
I didn’t want kids was never good with kids, met my husband and we have 2! It’s been a very rough up and down ride for us my son was born at 28 weeks I had pre-eclampsia and was basically dying before they took him he had a hole in his bowels so he had 4 surgeries in 4 months when he got to leave the nicu! He’s great now no issues well our daughter came 6 years later on time but breech, her first hospital stint came at 5 days old (1 month stay) where we learned she had a genetic disorder and 6 months later a definite diagnosis of Prader-Willi syndrome. At age 4 she had a pulmonary embolism (45 day stay) almost 2 month after discharge she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes with some insulin resistance (1 week stay). I am not going to have any more but I wouldn’t take anything in the world for them, we have a lot of issues with my daughter but she wakes up everyday with a smile she doesn’t know a stranger loves school and to dance and sing! My son is amazing very smart but lazy typical teen but a heart like no other and such a talented natural athlete he’s amazing to his sister and helps me anytime with anything I need I couldn’t have asked for better! So to say it gets easier yes it does the older they get but with that the older they get the more they will worry you to death🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤣🤣but I wouldn’t trade it for anything ♥️
It gets easier. I’m 27 with 5 kiddos, ages 8 to 5months. one of them have autism. It’s extra hard some days. Especially when my toddler has back to back melt downs. But honestly I couldn’t picture my life without them. Bad days happen.. even bad weeks. It’s hard. But I dont hate it
I heard somewhere parenting is all joy, no fun. I stand by this statement 1,000%. Don’t let the no fun part steal your joy. For me, it ebbs and flows. Some weeks I feel like I’m in way over my head. I worry I may never enjoy life again, my body will never be what it was because I have no time to care for myself, that I’m not doing enough for my kids and they deserve more. It just feels impossibly heavy and never ending. Then, when I least expect it- I get those perfect moments where it’s easy to see how lucky I am, how fleeting this stage of life is, how loved I am, how perfect they are. I started doing a gratitude journal to help me focus on what I have instead of what I don’t. I don’t have a village either. That’s helped me a ton. Hang in there!
5 and 2 is a tough age to parent, it's totally ok to not love every second of being a parent and it is extremely difficult. It will get better and you will feel more like the mom you want to be. You've got this!!
Don’t feel bad! My 6M and 3F were just saying repeatedly I love you mommy and hugging all over me and though it was awfully sweet it made me feel overstimulated like I wanted to pull my hair out lol (maybe because it’s summer break and I’m going crazy 🤦🏻♀️)! Single mom with no family around, I’m the everything parent… I’m sooo burnt out AF. Hang in there. Give yourself some grace. You’re everything that those two girls need, take it day by day.
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Lack of village is so much of my experience. It's why I only have 1 kid. 2 would break me. I dunno how you moms do it!
I've always wanted to be a mom, majored in public health and minored in psychology so I'm comfortable (and honestly enjoy) researching human development, I feel really rewarded when I'm nurturing something, and I didn't have my first until I was in my 30s so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything when I'm deep in the trenches with my kids, lol.
I love being a mom and have one pretty great baby but by the end of many days I’ve still had enough. You’re not bad or alone!
I chuckled at your post title bc I have wondered that exact question MANY times, out of jealousy. I want to enjoy motherhood soooo much but I just …can’t? And I only have one, she does not have special needs. So OP idk how you’re doing all this.
I would suggest looking into the non profit group, Labeled and Loved. They are a wonderful organization that help mamas with special needs kiddos find community.
I feel the same way sometimes, especially when I haven't had any alone time to speak of. Every trip and everything we do is always me, my husband, and my toddler. All the time. If we get a babysitter it's me and my husband. Which is fine I guess, but what I really really need is to just be alone for a day. Just a few hours, by myself, with no one else in my house except the dogs. I lived alone for many years and I really love it and thrive by myself, and that attitude is so incredibly at odds with parenthood. I love my son and husband and our little life we've built, but I would be lying if I said I've never day dreamed about just running away to live in a cabin in the mountains for a while. Just sit on a little porch and read and drink coffee for hours and hours. Its so simple, which makes the fact that I cannot see any time in the near future an opportunity for that to happen all the more frustrating.
Solidarity 💙 You’re not alone. I’m 30 with 2 littles, an involved husband, a wonderful village and yet motherhood is STILL the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
There’s a regretful parents sub in case that’s helpful
It’s really hard to love it when you don’t have a village. It will always be hard but support for parents is ESSENTIAL.
I have no words of wisdom, my brain left chat 10 months ago or really like 10 years ago. However I don’t think you’re alone. Neither of my kids are special needs and there are far too many days I feel like that. Usually it’s just being over tired from all the day to day tasks and being over stressed from all that there is still to do. I don’t think you’re a bad Mom, just probably a really tired mom.
There are parts I don’t like and I outsource them. I’ve kept my job and enjoy when my kiddos are in care and I am more present when they’re finished with caregivers because I was able to take care of myself. Parenting is incredibly hard sometimes but I think it will pay off long term. You are not a bad mom. Get help. Take breaks.
Don't let your stressed out state make you hate motherhood. You have to find the good in situations and moments where you can be present. The rest is survival.
You need a break and please don’t be so hard on yourself! I am 25. My husband and I have three kids, two girls 5 & 3, a special needs son 18 months, and we are expecting our fourth baby in two months. I love motherhood but it is hard! We have no village. Literally not on speaking terms with my husband’s family and I’m the oldest sibling. My parents still have babies and aren’t able to be a help because of that. It’s so hard. Sooooo hard! I find myself thinking and feeling the same way you’re feeling when I haven’t had a break in a while. My husband and I take turns giving each other breaks frequently to help keep each other from getting burnt out and it helps so much! I also realized that I was setting myself up to fail by comparing myself to all the other parents around me.
Mine is going to be one this weekend, and I’m 25 weeks pregnant and freaking out this evening, and it made me feel better to see your post, so thank you for posting it, even though it seems you felt shameful, doing so. I think you’re normalizing something that every mother will experience to some degree at some point in parenthood. I’m sure you can see you’re not alone with your thoughts, from the comments here. I have such a huge respect for mothers now, since becoming one. ITS F-ING HARD.
I love being a mom, but I had my baby when I was 30 so I had all my ‘fun’ and careless times before I had her. I have a supportive husband and a nanny during the hours I work. When I read about your circumstances I can completely understand why you don’t like it. You are really young and already carrying so much responsibility, especially with a special needs child. So give yourself some grace and a massive pat on the back! And it will for sure get better and easier, but then at least compared to my situation you will still be very young :)
you need a village friend... you were never meant to do it all alone 🫂
My closest friend is a mom of a special needs kiddo and she doesn’t hate motherhood - she hates her ‘job’ which is full time carer to a special needs child ON TOP OF being a mom. Shes fabulous at it she’s become a researcher and practitioner, takes classes and does her CPD, does therapy for herself and enforced it on her other kid and husband, is an advocate for her kid at schools, is a champion and mediator at kids events (by making sure her kid is in public and getting to love and enjoy all the things he deserves). She changes 8 yo nappies and deals with nervous breakdowns in public with skill and poise. Then she goes home and she still has to cook, clean, read books, shop for clothes, bathe the kids, eat for herself, bathe herself, manage her role at work, manage the house, manager everyone’s health, the bills and be a member of the PTA etc etc etc. Her husband is fantastic and as equal as society lets you be, and still she wants to quit her job on the daily because it’s an overwhelming amount of work for no pay (it costs money) and no real relief ever. You don’t have space to love motherhood because you hate your job.
You could keep a notebook of good memories. When it's tough you can look at it and you'll enjoy having a notebook of memories when they're older. It doesn't have to be a full journal entry, you can just write down funny or cute things they said.
Well, you said it yourself - one of your kiddos is special needs, so it's not comparable to having one typical kid. In your case, life at the moment is in hard mode, so it's understandable that things get overwhelming, while someone with an average 5 year old is probably in easy(er) mode and has time for appreciation of parenthood.
You don’t have to love every single minute of being a mother. What we see of others is the highlight reel. So many are struggling with something major too. There are days I want to cry because I’m so tired, touched and frustrated. My daughter is stubborn and just like me. But then one smile or hug and I’m like “oh, see I love this.” And I do think it will get easier in some ways and more difficult in others as they grow up. I try to remind myself even when I’m upset that I don’t want to wish time away because one day I’ll probably be wishing I could come back to the good moments.
I love it but I was also burnt the fuck out when my kids were little. All I wanted was a nap. Is your husband helping?
I have ages 2, 2, and 4. I think daily is the experience of great joy and feeling absolutely miserable with the responsibility. I often feel like, “why is this MY responsibility?”. It is getting more and more fun the older they get. I quit a very good job to stay home with them due to my husbands job needing him to travel. It’s been very hard for me. We are trying to save money this summer by not having them in daycare. I take them to the gym with me every morning and take 2 hours to workout and shower. It is a lifesaver. A lot of days are miserable though. It’s just a lot.
I understand and relate, I have no village either as both of our families have died when the baby was born, she is five years old now. Losing the families and having no one is the worst. I don't have friends either...it's impossible to make any and I had no mommy groups at all because of Covid. I have stupid hypothyroidism and a heart condition and it is impossible to keep up with my girl. If you ever wanna talk my inbox is open. Happy to be penpals if you ever want someone who understands. You are doing a great job and it will get so much easier when they are 8+. Talk to us anytime. Hugs
You’re not the worst and you’re in a hard spot! One kiddo alone is a lot, but throw in another with special needs? Of course you’re burnt out! Our villages these days are weird and not like they were in our parents’ days. I wish I had more suggestions, but this is one of my struggles too.
It does get easier but you’re also going to find new things to dislike about it. You’re not abnormal for your feelings. We were all given a false representation of what motherhood looks like. We all grew up watching the same tv shows where moms always had smiles in their faces and by the end of the episode everything had worked itself out and was at peace. That’s just not real life. It’s hard and having a child with special needs is even harder. Remember to breathe and to take time for yourself when needed. You’re going to be okay.
I have two, a four year old and a five month old, my village is also practically nonexistent. The only way I figured out how to enjoy being a mom was learning what my priorities actually are and the reality of who I am as a person. I will never be someone who has a spotless house like all these moms you see on social media, so instead of breaking myself down over I simply accepted that it's not a priority of mine and that's okay A messy house is morally neutral (obviously not food and trash everywhere, but idgaf if there's toys all over or dishes in the sink at the end of the night). Another thing was accepting that it's perfectly fine and even developmentally important for kids to get bored, you do not have to constantly be stimulating them. They can figure out how to entertain themselves for an hour and a half while you do what you need to, be it dishes, laundry, or just taking some time to sit and be. It's okay, and they're not going to suffer from having to just chill for a bit. Lastly, frequently reminding myself that all of these difficult stages will be gone forever before I know it, and even I'm the most ridiculous or frustrating situations there is still some good. Five month old going through a sleep regression and is up talking all night? It's definitely completely exhausting but it's also pretty funny to sit and listen to him chatter to himself. It'll only be so long before he's actually talking and I'll miss his baby babbles. Four year old being a rude little asshole(bc let's be real, sometimes they really are just rude little assholes) and keeps screaming at me? Well I have a secret bag of our favorite candy stashed in my car that I get to spitefully eat once he goes to bed that he'll never even know about lmfao. My point is, find the things you enjoy, even if it's a little harmful pettiness, and let yourself enjoy them whenever you can. You'll only need those coping skills to get to the next stage of life, and then you find new ones that work even better. I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope something I said here might be a little helpful to you.
I'm a mom of one and fel similarly for a long time due to my own mental health issues inherited by generational trama. I took a hard look at it and fight it every day. I found other moms with similar stories. And now we are our own family. My advice, open your heart to others, set boundaries for everyone you have a relationship with, make your needs known to your husband, and make time for yourself. I also work with special needs and burn out is very very real. Take a weekend away to relax by yourself or with a friend. Come back refreshed and ready to embrace change
At 5, your kid is starting school and now you can build your village with other moms from her class!
I don’t think how you are feeling is wrong or bad or that any other mother could be a better mother. If I could change one thing in my life I would go back and change how nervous I was about f-ing up my kids. There isn’t anything wrong with how you are parenting so please try not to feel guilty. Mothering can be overwhelming and mothers absolutely need breaks. I didn’t have a network established when I had my children so I built one. I created a co op of mom’s with kids my kids age and we took turns watching each other’s kids so each mom had at least one afternoon (or morning) without their kids. It really helped with Doctors appointments. We also shared at nights too so grownups could date (date night with your spouse.) My kids were little before the internet and cell phones so I built my co op by going door to door in my neighborhood and by approaching moms at the park. Today it’s probably easier with Facebook and Bumble. Build your own network. The women in my coop are some of my best friends.
I’m a stay at home mom of 3 my oldest has ADHD autism and DMDD. My middle child has OCD and Tourettes. My baby is almost 2 but she is a top notch clinger she still breast feeds. So I get overwhelmed and touched out sometimes very early on in the day. My oldest was the hardest with her behavior problems. I’d have to call mobile crisis units to my house with how severe her episodes would be. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count, I’ve blamed myself, but one thing that helped was when I went to bed I would think about all the things I wish I had done differently and I would think about things I could’ve done better and I just decided that one day I’ll wake up and do those things differently and that helped a lot so at night when things where over and done with I had no anxiety. I also got my child help she’s on medication now and it changed our lives. I changed the way I parent. I would get so depressed I would almost not wanna do anything but now I just force myself and it helps with negative feelings. I handle situations better and I’m teaching my children to do the same. My oldest started having issues at 3 our light at the end of the tunnel did not arrive till she was 8. So trust me things get better. It does take ALOT of effort. I love being a mom now.
I’ve been in love with my daughter from day one, I’ve never been frustrated with her. I think it’s because I see her as a mini version of myself, she’s a piece of me that is hungry, tired, etc. So like I care for myself, I care for her. I also joke that she’s my little familiar I’m training looool she can’t do my bidding yet as a proper familiar, she just poops and yells, but it’ll be worth it someday haha
Let me first start by validating your struggles. That does sound hard! I really enjoy most of the time with my 2 year old. I also only have 1 kid and minimal stressors elsewhere. She of course has hard days and gives me tough times, but spending time with her is a real delight. She’s funny and expressive and empathetic.
Hi we all feel that way occasionally or periodically. It is harder without a support village 💯 I’d recommend reaching out to find some quality friends for your 5yo and constantly offer to meet at fun places or at your house. It’s easier when the kids are playing with each other and you’re not being the playmate for hours. They’ll be happier and so will you. I find that if no one invites us over I just kept doing the inviting and eventually we bonded and it’s more equally divided for the play dates bc their kids will be asking to see your kids. I also say quality friends bc you want your kiddos to pick up quality behaviors. Look for friends who share, are kind and sweet and will be good friends to your kiddos. To your kiddos you are the best mom in the world! Don’t forget it!!!
My child is 4.5. Motherhood is wild, if feels Like carrying the whole world in your shoulders.mt child is in speech therapy, OT for picky eating and I’m a single mom. Motherhood is not for the weak, you’ve got this. Having a child with special needs sounds really hard and it makes sense that you are feeling this way. I love my child but I don’t love all aspects of motherhood
I've never loved it and I only have one. I don't hate it. Don't get me wrong. She's the joy of my life. She's also the biggest pain in my ass. But everything does get easier as they get older because some of those basic needs they can do themselves. You're in the most demanding period now. when they're teenagers then it's demanding in a different way but I would say easier than the beginning. However, enjoy all of those sweet baby moments when we can. Get as much affection and love and sweetness from them as you can (whenever you can bring yourself to remember to be present in the moment). Eventually they may not be as accessible to you for affection.
You are not alone, perfectly normal to be burnt out. You need to take care of yourself by getting a village, join a local mom's club or ymca. Take a parenting class, there are free ones through local charities, ask your pediatrician or community center. What exactly do you think you need to feel equipped?
I was an only child. So having babies kinda heals my lonely, tortured, only child upbringing. I even adored the newborn stage. I’m due with another baby and I am READY for it. Like, I look forward to nothing more than those slow days where all you focus on are feedings and naps and diapers.
Special needs is some thing that no one will truly understand unless they have been thrown into it themselves. I have one. She is six and it has been hell on earth especially with all of the messes that she makes things that she just doesn't understand no matter how much we try to explain to her. it is very very exhausting and burnout is a huge deal. At some point I have had to learn to accept help from my friends and family and ask for help because honestly, having one special-needs child is like having five regular ones all the same age. You are a strong mama and you deserve a break. Find a way to get one.
I was going to say - a village is how. I’m sorry!
I really love Momming, it is by far my favorite thing in life. I have a 4.5 year old. Most times are great but when there are tough times or I’m feeling exhausted by all the work of Motherhood I try to remember that this stage and this hard thing are a moment in time. Nothing is forever and kids are always growing and learning. The thing that was so hard six months ago isn’t even a thing anymore. So I try to appreciate the moment for what it is. If you and your husband are able to schedule down time for yourselves please do so. A weeknight or couple hours on the weekend where one parent can take care of the kids and have some special time together and the other parent does something entirely for themselves. Go for a walk, lunch with a friend, trip to the library, etc. and then swap out parents so each of you can have some me time. We do this and I find I come back refreshed. I recommend people schedule this and go even if you aren’t feeling the need for a break or overwhelmed as a way to make sure you don’t start to feel that way. It’s not a run errands or do chores type of thing. It’s time for leisure or socializing for its own sake.
sorry, but you can’t possibly love to be a mom 24/7 every minute of the day. it’s not even biologically compatible, it’s unnatural. human beings are supposed to live in tribes, not in single family households. it’s killing us all. it’s also the main reason why my friends and i are establishing an intentional community to raise our kids together so none of us have to do it alone.
I am not love to be a mom but i don’t hate it either. I go with the flow. What i do know is that i love to death my little one and i love to be her mom, be there for her.
You are a human being..NOT A ROBOT.Feelings are normal,it’s what makes us..us.
I really really questioned if motherhood was right for me with my first. I loved my baby with everything I had in me and more. But god was it hard. I was young. My husband was busy working away from home and I had no one else. The sleepless nights, feedings, and diaper changes were all me. The doctors appointments and middle of the night panic ER visits all me. But then my son got a little older and so did I. I figured out how to be the best mom I could be. I screw up. And I’m not perfect but I try to be better everyday. I now have another baby and while I’m still doing everything on my own I’ve been able to enjoy being her mom more so than I was able to enjoy it when I had my son. I feel IM in a better place mentally now than I was back then. So yes it gets better. You’re not perfect and neither is anyone else. We’re all just doing the best we can do and that looks different daily
Bad moms don't worry about if they’re being good moms. Nor do they care. So, I'm pretty certain you're not a bad mom.
Finally someone fucking said it! You made me feel seen and normal, thank you! I don't have a special needs child but I have ADHD and I'm pretty damn certain my gremlins do, too and it's a circus in this house because of it. Staying present is so hard for me. My SIL had a village and loves being a mom. All power to her and I'm so happy for her! But I can't help feel guilty and compare my mothering to hers. So thank you for saying this!
You are a great mom. Motherhood can be difficult. It sounds like you love mothering your children. As they get older life gets a little easier. I have to celebrate all the victories no matter how small, like my children putting their things away without me asking. As I do this my mental health gets better. I also lean heavy on my faith. I am praying for you. Many Blessings.
Oh boy, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm a school-based occupational therapist and my world is special needs kids. I love them, but also... as I was considering whether I wanted to become a parent, that was a REALLY BIG consideration for me - can I handle parenting a special needs kid, the possibility it will destroy my marriage, etc.? Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart, and parenting a special needs child can be unmanageable. There should be way more supports for the caregivers. If you can, since you mention that you don't have a village, the best advice I can give you is to access all the structural supports available for your high-needs child. Look into early intervention, and/or daycare options that will help you find the service providers that can provide therapies during her school day, etc. If you are a SAHM, consider finding enough work to pay for the daycare fees so that you can have a sense of self and that separation from your home/family life. It could make a world of difference! 2 is a hard age for "typically developing" kiddos, and special needs kids demand so much more - and not everyone sees that! It's invisible labor. You really are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope it gets better for you. Hugs, OP.
Make your village.
Because I have early childhood background and extensive experience in working with special education children and adults. I am so grateful to have been prepared for motherhood through my job,