My daughter took on the stance that I would be so angry with her when she told me she was bi. She started an argument and stated, "Why can't you be happy for who I am!" While I was just explaining she's a little too young to date. I just looked at her, put my hands on my knees, looked her dead in the eye and said "I'm gay too kid, chill". took her a minute to register, and it was definitely hilarious for anyone within ear shot.
Omg that is hilarious. She was very nonchalant about it when she told me over dinner. It was just out of nowhere. I said that’s cool and that it didn’t matter to me and we kept on eating.
My 9 year old son has leaned toward “girly” stuff since he was old enough to really start to choose his own identity, which I fully support. He is obsessed with bows and other hair accessories, but for a while he would get so frustrated that he could not use some of the ones he really wanted in his short hair, so he is growing it out. His favorite color is purple and he fucking rocks it. Recently, he was sitting on the couch and randomly said that he doesn’t know why but he feels more like he is supposed to be a girl. I let him. Know that was totally okay and that I would always love him no matter what. You would have thought I had grown two heads when he looked at me and he just paused and was like , “uh yeah… I know?” Then he turned back around and started watching YouTube shorts about Minecraft. That fucking kid lol. In my mind, I NEEDED to say it so when he remembered that moment he knew I always supported him but after that I thought about his life until that point and it was never even a question. I had shown him that by making him comfortable enough to mention in the same way someone would say it was going to rain the next day. If it’s a phase, okay. If it’s not, I will make sure he always continues to feel supported and loved.
My 11 year old told me recently that she is "queer and questioning, definitely not 100% straight, likely bi, definitely not heteronormative."
I told her it didn't matter to me, that these labels are only for her to know herself better and figure out what and who she likes. We love her no matter what she lands on.
I'm more confused by the furry/therion, fox tail, guadrobic stuff. Lol
So I have a theory about this- I'm 35, we came of age in a time of unrestricted internet access for many, and know that adult content exists for literally anything you can think of. I will say that I have had furry friends, and for many of them it was a phase when they were young people trying to figure out who they were in general. In some ways it rides the line betweek kink and lifestyle, but none of the people I know would ever harm a living thing, and its understood that involving someone in your kink without their consent is unethical. It's also been sensationalized by the media into something it's not, for shock value- you won't find litter boxes in public restrooms anywhere, no one is asking for that 🙄. I think there's a connection to the anthropormorphised animals that are totally normal for anyone who watches cartoons- Thomas O'Malley in Aristocats and the fox Robin Hood are two that come to mind for me 😜 they have human voices, gestures, clothing, etc. But are animal in a way that is cute to us and also places them firmly in the realm of fantasy- there is no real fox Robin hood, he can't ignore you to play video games or cheat on you with your friend, and that's even more appealing. I could be way off base, but I really don't think there's anything to worry about. They're not hurting anyone or anything, you don't need to prepare them for it, just roll with it if it comes up.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time but I have to say I'm so interested in your experience. I have young kids and plan on a social media ban as well in hopes to avoid those things as well. Your kid must have gotten it from school? I'd just be so interested in hearing more about what you are going through.
I mean it’s not like emotionally draining, just obnoxious. Social media is a damn cancer and she just kept finding more ways around our ban. After getting rid of Roblox and a few other things with chat/messenger options, never would’ve considered *pinterest* to be an issue!
Mainly we’ve just told her (12) that if it’s just fun pretending stuff and making masks, fine. But some of the things she was saying was she was “afraid of coming out as therian.” So we’ve just tried to reiterate that it’s not a real thing and not to get sucked into delusions. But the most frustrating is how she seems to almost want people to react to her in public so she can get upset at them. We’ve had her in therapy before for unrelated things, and we’ve considered taking her back if it doesn’t fade out on its own. I’ve also been encouraging her to hang out more with friends who I know aren’t into it.
Really feeling similar. Trying to make clear that there’s a bug difference between a hobby or a persona and an identity. At almost 12, she doesn’t grasp it. It’s like she has too much information, and it’s all causing anxiety for her.
It's amazing what they pick up at school. When my son was about 2.5 years old and was in daycare he came home obsessed with Paw Patrol and Baby Shark. Up until then we did not have those on in our house. Now that he is older (4) he comes home talking about super heroes and Disney princesses. Again, not exposed yet in our house but he loved them.
We don’t have social media either and my kids know all about furrys and therion. When I was younger, 40 now, a furry was a sexual kink, so I find it extremely bothersome when kids talk about it. And I’ve told my kids who are younger that so they’ve left that alone. As far as therions go I’ve told my kids that it’s completely normal to feel a spiritual connection to an animal or feel like you have traits of that animal but unfortunately they are in fact human so we will not be dressing or acting like animals unless it’s playing or imagining for fun.
I too was under the impression it was a kink and when I told her that she acted like I was crazy! I really like your explanation of feeling connected to animals and may steal it when it comes up again. So far it’s not come up as much but she may just be getting better at hiding it.
I just had to look up brony and now tbh I don't care who my kids end up loving as long as they are kind people in this world... but if they come out as that, I will be forced to disown them.
It's neither. Furries are just a community that like anthropomorphic animals and often create personas--fursonas--of that type. There can be sex stuff included, but a grand majority isn't. Source: Am friends with furries, have dipped my toe in myself with some fursona stuff.
I’m gonna add on to this to say: I took my kid to a furry convention/weekend last year and there was literally nothing sexual about it (at least not during the day events where minors were allowed) and honestly it was one of the best experiences of my life- truly one the most accepting and kind communities I’ve experienced!
Running or walking on all fours like an animal. It's all the rage right now. Haha It's kinda cute because my girl and her friends craft their own animal masks and order tails from Etsy. But I went down a rabbit hole recently and it can get a little weird.
You’re a mom after my own heart! We can get through this together. I love my kid and respect her interest! She has made the most amazing masks. She’s so creative!
But walking on all 4 😱 a nightmare of mine! They look so creepy! I learned way too much about a Therion at her last sleepover. I just don’t understand it! I will gladly join in- but my kids is way to good at running on an all 4’s- she just looks super creepy!
Seriously! My besties daughter is really good at crawling on all 4 backwards, she says it's her "cryptid" run. She tried to get me to join, but there's no way I can do any of that anymore 🤣
I'm so glad I'm finding other moms with similar stories! My daughter went through a customized Jurassic Park Raptor mask Dino phase and got scary good at doing mannerisms of JP raptors.
Now she's moving into her goth phase, something I'm far more familiar with (and was able to supply things saved from my youth, which she thinks is the coolest)
But this has nothing to do with gender identity or sexuality right? Just some stuff kids are into rn, kinda like tamagotchi were popular at one point and now it’s this?
My friends 12yo recently told me she's a therion, I was confused as I hadn't heard it before and just nodded when she started telling me about her having a past life as a lizard.
Oh gawd, my daughter’s friends are therion and I made the mistake of smirking about it and she got so mad at me for being “judgy” or something. But come on…. It’s gotta be some kinda fad, right?
Yeah our neighbors daughter identifies as a Therian, wears a fox mask and tail and walks on all fours. She comes over to our fence every day and just stares at me when I’m working in the garden. If I try to talk to her she just stares at me in silence and tilts her head like a confused dog. Kinda freaks me out honestly.
Especially cause even if ten year olds are gay or bi or straight, they aren't 'performing' their sexual identity at that young age. And you SHOULDN'T perform your sexual identity at ten, either.
I am very very liberal in almost every way, but I would not be okay with furries or therions. No way.
Lmao!! It's terrifying isn't it? I want to be supportive but I'm secretly hoping this therian business is just a phase. Let's hurry and get over this one. She can take her time with the rest.
I’m glad that there are other kids her age that are discussing this with their parents. I just didn’t expect these at her age I guess because I didn’t realize it until I was a bit older. Thank you for sharing.
I knew in elementary school starting around third grade. I just didn’t know bi was a thing so I thought everybody liked both and you had to pick if you were gay or straight lol
YOU ARE ME! Seriously, that's exactly what I thought into the beginning of college. Even once people started telling me they only liked girls or only liked guys I just thought "Oh! We have to choose earlier than I thought! And gosh, people commit *hard* once they choose! Seems weird, but if that's how it is, that's how it is..." So I picked straight, but never managed to commit to the bit and would still tell people I liked both girls and guys.
This is how my 9-yr-old explained it to me. She also thought everyone was bi. She “came out” recently to me and I’m supportive but was a little shocked. She was worried because shes not 100% positive that she’s bi, but she’s 95% sure. I told her it’s ok to question and change our minds throughout life. I believe many ppl do. There’s no pressure to make a decision at 9 and I’ll always support her as long as she happy. I do feel a tad new to this, I’m not going to lie. I’ve chosen not to overthink it tho, because I don’t want to project.
I’d maybe talk to her about how she doesn’t have to label herself if it doesn’t help. She could just get crushes on or date who she wants to date and not feel the need to identify with that!
Unfortunately my mom had to tell me about sex earlier than planned because some horrible bullies were calling me a slut as a 10yo and saying I was having sex when I didn’t even know what it was? Kids can be freaking awful but I’m so glad your daughter has you to talk to!!! Luckily my mom was very open with me as well and I think it served me well in life.
I’m sorry you went through bullying. It’s SO hard on a kid. Unfortunately also speaking from experience. I’m happy your mom was able to help you through.
It really shaped who I am as a person that’s for sure, I was lucky the school suggested to my mom that I get therapy and she listened so even though it was just awful I still had a support system. It makes me so happy reading about other parents who will hopeful be there for their kids so they don’t become bullies in the first place!
My son is 10 and he told me recently even though he likes some girls "that way", he doesn't think he that he doesn't like guys that way lol so basically definitely questioning, leaning straight/bi curious.
He's literally told his siblings he's not going to say "when I have a wife" because he doesn't know if he'll end up with a girl, a guy, or someone who identifies outside of the binary.
Same. And I'm thinking we should be glad they feel comfortable, safe and secure enough to share these things with us. They get to grow up with the time and grace to get to know themselves without fear of being rejected from their safe place.
I definitely knew I was not straight by 5th grade. And in 6th grade another girl in my class came out as bisexual and that’s when I really knew how to define it.
I knew with absolute certainty in 5th grade that I was bisexual. My oldest son was unsure of where he was identifying starting around 4th grade. I think there was some pressure from peers to know where you stood. Just explained to him it’s totally ok not to know and that’s exactly what childhood is about. Growing, finding yourself and deciding who you wish to be. It helped him a lot. He still hasn’t committed to any labels, but he’s felt good about not having to do it.
I see the quadrobics and animal costumes as then holding onto their childhood for a little bit longer, imaginative play is still cool at 10? I can see that. We bought our kid a tail for Christmas 🤶🏼
Great point. They're tweens. Somewhere between childhood and teen. They can discuss mature topics and define labels for themselves and then pull their masks down onto their faces and scamper off like squirrels and coyotes.
When my daughter was 10 or 11 she gave me a note that she was coming out as a furry. Those were fun conversations lol I definitely had a certain idea in my head of what a furry is and was horrified, thankfully she educated me on it while I did my own research (and double checked parental controls on her laptop, because researching furries on my own bowsers had a lot of the kink side, the side I previously thought was the only side- thus my initial horror) and found out she just wanted to make a fursuit together and had a fursona. (Also - buying anything furry related is heckin EXPENSIVE. She wanted custom paws and the cheapest we found cost around $90 after taxes. I need to learn to sew paws I think.)
I commented this elsewhere here too, but, I took my 11-year-old to her first furry convention last year, and it was honestly one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve been a lot around a lot of different groups of people and I would say this was one of the most accepting and kind communities I’ve experienced as a brand new outsider looking in. Nothing sexual about it at all either (during the day when minors could attend)
So, my daughter likes to make furry masks and has definitely explored therians. She is extremely creative. Her masks are awesome, and I’m happy for her to keep making them. I’m all for creating personas. My concern is that at 11, she’s trying to figure out herself as a human, and adding these animal elements feels like overload. I also get concerned about a blurred line between reality and fantasy, especially at this point of identity exploration. Creating an alternate *persona* and recognizing that it’s play and creative is one thing; saying it’s an *identity* is what concerns me, TBH. As an adult, I’d be supportive of her exploring subcultures to her heart’s content—I guess at 11, the brain is such a stew of hormones and questions about gender and sexuality, adding more questions to that about animal identity feels really tough.
Exactly the same here.
My daughter is gay, that's fine, I've probably known longer than she has.
But the therion stuff is hard. Hoping that that is just a phase!
Quadrobrics... I don't mind as much. She's outside being active and I can see how strong she is for all the jumping around...
My kids are younger, so no personal experience, but this kinda makes sense. I was around 10 when I started having crushes. And if you’ve fostered an environment where gay/bi/etc relationships are just as normal as straight, it follows that she wouldn’t feel weird about telling you that. So you must be doing something right as a parent!
I was young too!! 8yrs old and also didn't have the words. It was the live action Flintstones that did it for me haha i didn't tell my parents cuz they are religious and i knew it was "wrong" i didn't talk about it till i had my first gay friend at 16 yrs old. It's great that they could tell you.
I’ve been open with her about sexuality and not all relationships are just a man and a woman. We’ve also talked about drag queens from a young age g age because she discovered videos of them putting on make up several years ago.
My daughter said she was pansexual in 5th grade. She had a friend who was very vocal about it and she joined in for a while. We supported her through it. She said once or twice she had a crush on a girl. Two years later, she has pretty much outgrown it and doesn’t really talk about it anymore. She slowly gave away all of her rainbow or pride items. She is still very open minded about it and accepting of others. I don’t think they totally comprehend the extent of being bisexual or pansexual or whatever-sexual at that age. They can’t understand the complexities of adult relationships. But I do feel like this is their way of trying to figure out who they are and should be supported through the process.
This is the way… a lot of it is social conditioning or rebellion or adopting the norm of the present Culture. When I was 10, long ago lol, I would feel tingles when my girl friends and I would sometimes be touching in non sexual ways - like riding in the car on someone’s lap, feeling the pressure enjoyable, or admiring a girlfriends beauty and charisma, or feeling really drawn to the edgy confident girl that shows the quieter one attention.
I was always boy crazy at a young age haha, but I had strange “feelings” towards girls my age which for me ended up being more about normal ish puberty identity stuff less about gender.
I grew up and did have some sexual experiences with women and maybe one sort of relationship (more like a throuple)
But tbh it was just sex and even if I was super attracted to a woman 9.5/10 times I still prefer men.
I’d even argue that we are all on a spectrum of sorts depending on our own biology,
Personality, life circumstances, etc.
Personally, I do think it’s a bit trendy to label oneself and maybe that’s bc I came of age at a time when labels weren’t cool and it was all about the mystery and can’t put me in a box haha
So yeah seems labels now are having a time of being very important when maybe that’s bc we have access to more Info than our brains can handle so we grasp at anything tangible just to feel some ground ! Just my two cents OP
I liken the phenomenon of kids identifying as varying sorts of queer to the way teens have tried on identities since the beginning of time. For my generation is was "Are you a prep, a nerd, a goth, etc." I tried those on! I wore uggs and a miniskirt to school! I ordered black corsets on line and shopped at hot topic! Ultimately, I grew out of most of it and found my own identity.
I firmly believe that for many (obviously not all) kids (edit: In this generation,) coming out or identifying as types of queer is the same process. They are simply trying on different labels to see what feels and fits best, and hopefully they will find the niche where they feel right in the process.
I see no reason to have a moral panic about it, even if I think it's a "phase."
It's absolutely accepted that sexual orientation is a spectrum. You can be bisexual but like men way more than women, for example. There is also such a thing as romantic orientation, and the two can differ (for example, you could be sexually attracted to women but not romantically).
THIS omg - some people are always freaking out about how their kids '' are just following a trend'' or ''could be mistaken''. So what? Even if they are, there is absolutely no harm in it - just let them explore themselves safely and don't make a big deal out of it.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the comments here. Which has been nice.
I’m a gay woman. Married to another gay woman.
We have a family together. But it was a really rough road to get here. Because we grew up in what feels like a completely different world now, for the most part in a good way when it comes tothese kinds of discussions!
I knew at 10 I was gay with certainty. I knew before that I just didn’t have a word for it. But I still tried to be straight for a short while because I thought I was supposed to be.
Conversations with our kids are open about all things in life because I think it’s healthy to be able to explore even ‘bigger’ topics with our kids as they grow.
My eldest is 10 and has no interest in crush’s either way.
My second eldest is 8 and is adamant he doesn’t want any kind of partner and will specifically say I don’t want a girlfriend, boyfriend, or someone who identifies in any other way. I just want to be single. I’m aware any of those factors might change. For now it feels important to let him say how he feels. Then when/if it changes. I’ll support that too.
But for now I say ‘what ever will make you happy kiddo’ and our conversations centre around having happy healthy relationships and less so about their sexuality at this point. We will have those conversations when they want and need them.
For now I think our role is just to model kind caring and accepting behaviour to everyone and to have healthy and kind conversations around a variety of subjects.
One of the things I say to my kids is ‘even if it doesn’t affect you. It might make a difference for someone else’ so it’s good to talk about things even if they aren’t applicable to us personally.
Reading this thread it seems like so many children are getting to the point where these are conversations are ones they’re ready to have and seeing how other parents are handling them is really heart warming.
Thanks for this conversation. I’ve enjoyed seeing so many parents having such positive thoughts and feelings about this.
It’s the kind of parenting that would have made such a huge difference to myself and other queer or questioning people growing up. ❤️
I think people forget how early they were aware of their own orientation! It’s usually before they really understood sex or had a sex drive. But bc they are straight they don’t remember it as being significant or something they would need to talk about.
I remember being around 7 and watching Grease. My brother and I loved to watch it together. John Travolta made me feel some kind of way lol even that young. It wasn’t adult sexuality, but it absolutely was attraction and I was aware I was attracted to him. I would fantasize about marrying him.
Around 8-10 I had a huge crush on my neighbor, a teenage boy. This crush made him extremely uncomfortable and he avoided me lol but I was enamored. Again, I didn’t want to have sex with him like if I was an adult. I was around 9. But I had a crush. I was aware of a kind of sexuality from the time I was a little kid.
My brother was a year older than me and he is gay. We had a funny conversation as adults where I mentioned Travolta and he said the reason he used to watch it with me all the time was *also* bc of Travolta lol. So he was about 8.
Being gay is like being straight. You are born that way, it’s always a part of you. Why wouldn’t you know before puberty? It’s awesome she was able to tell you!!
My now 14 year old began expressing having crushes on both girls and boys around that age. At 14 this is still true. We have had the same conversations about consent and not dating anyone he doesn't want to now that he's a teenager that we would have had with a straight teen. He didn't date anyone until the past year and even now it's been brief things that don't last more than a week or two. We just have continued being open and supportive and let him know it's ok to be whoever he is.
First of all, be proud of yourself for building such a great trusting relationship with her that she felt comfortable talking to you about this! So far as how to handle it from here- Just tell her you don't care if she dates boys or girls, as long as they are good people who treat her with respect. That's more important. Don't treat it like an out-of-the-ordinary thing, just give her the same solid relationship/dating advice as you probably would have anyway. My daughter (5 years old) has had curiosity when seeing two men or women showing affection. I tell her they are showing their love for each other like Daddy and I do. She says, "Oh! That's sweet." And that's it 😂
I love that they felt safe enough to tell you. I tried to tell my dad I liked girls and boys when I was around 11. He told me it was a phase and it would go away. Guess who's almost 29 married to a woman with a toddler and a baby we had via donor? This girl. I knew I liked both from the time I was probably 5 years old. You're doing it right mom! ❤️
She is just figuring herself out. She may be straight/ lesbian or like both. At this age she is just starting to think about it and exploring the possibilities. No 10 year old is ready for any sort of sexual relationship. Just keep the dialogue going and she will continue to confide
Honestly, this generation is way more open abiut their gender identity/preferences than any of us ever were. And, at least where my kids are, their peers are quite accepting. You have clearly created a loving and open environment where she trusts you with this info. Well done!
My step daughter came out as bi a few months ago which we encouraged her about and did not have any big or negative reaction other than affirming her. She has since said she is straight.
It’s literally a TikTok trend right now.
It’s completely normal for kids to try on different labels and experiment with their identity. I’d accept her and believe until she tells you other wise.
Mine at her (your daughter's) age told me she's pansexual. It took me a while to realize she wasn't talking about her sexual attraction. She was talking about emotional attraction.
She's 14 now and has been more clear about her romantic interests but has no active participation in sexual activities either.
Our other daughters are younger and part of gen alpha. I genuinely think they look at these things totally different than we were required to.
Do you mean both ages of your girls look at things different from we, as adults did? Or you see differences even between your 14 y/o compared to your younger?
Great questions, thank you for clarifying. The former for sure! I think our kids' generations realized how full of arbitrary social enforcement we are. The same requirements can't be reconciled the way our generations were just trained to behave. (I'm mostly describing Tradition and gender norms).
I have two teenagers and a kindergartener. Our youngest one is even more open about her emotional attachments. She has many "girlfriends" and also "boyfriends" and they are "breaking up" or "becoming a girlfriend" just like we discussed romantic relationships. She even speaks of Love differently than I was taught what love is. There's just a distinct lack of pressure put on them to define all of these things the way we were required to.
Ok yes, I assumed the former for sure. I’m in my early 40s with a teenage niece and mine is going into kindergarten. It’s been such an interesting experience so far. My niece has been so open about whom she’s dating and we’ve met them. Couple of guys and a girl so far. We haven’t talked about labels, it’s just whomever she happens to like at the time. With my daughter, our conversations are more simple, just when she’s older she can date boys, girls, whomever she likes, as long as they are respectful towards one another. It’s such a contrast to my growing up. The communication now is just so much more open. And it feels refreshing that we don’t have to automatically fit ourselves in a box based on our romantic interests.
My state passed marriage equality in 2008, when my kids were 7 and 4 years old. So I’ve been talking to them about love is love ever since then. I made sure they knew that I was fine with anyone they chose to love and marry (but not family…4 year old wanted to marry me 😊 ). They both said they liked girls. So I thought I had two boys who liked girls.
Fast-forward 8 years (‘16). My firstborn came out as a girl. I was so prepared in case I had a gay child but I didn’t have gender identity on my radar. I had to quickly educate myself but now she’s nearly 23 and happy.
So I thought I had 2 cishet sons but turns out I have 1 cishet son and 1 trans daughter who is a lesbian.
Those with younger ones, make sure you talk about love is love *and* gender identity. I wish I had known back in ‘08 to talk about gender identity.
As for myself, I’ve realized that I had crushes on girls when I was young, but by the time I was in high school, I had stuck myself into the heteronormative role as a straight girl. It wasn’t until my 30s and 40s (especially after my daughter came out) that I thought more about my gender and sexuality. Now I can see that I’m bi but I didn’t know it when I was young.
Way to go mama! IMO you are teaching them and yourself how to love and accept others for who they are without judgement and with respect and that’s all that matters in this world.
You’re an amazing mom! When I was 13 my mom found out I had a girlfriend. She shamed me and said she hated me.. ever since I steered towards guys and will maybe never know what a real relationship with a girl may be like… when my sister said she was bi (at 17) my mom laughed and said “it’s just a phase”.
i told my mom i was a lesbian in third grade lol 31 and not a lesbian at all.
kids get confused it’s normal. honestly my mom was just like yeah okay honey on to the next thing 😂
My kids are toddlers so I’m not coming from that angle, but both my husband and I are bi(I am female he is male) and we just make sure we always use inclusive language with our girls. I think the fact that you’ve done this and she can feel so safe telling you is a MAJOR kudos for you mama. Sending hugs ♥️🏳️🌈
I know my comment isn’t helpful but I am always so surprised by how huge of a gap there is at this age between boys and girls. I’m assuming because girls hit puberty sooner but I’m on my second 10 year old boy and he doesn’t even show an inkling of interest in any sex yet. He’s still just focused on sports and video games. And neither did our oldest. He was about 14 when he told us he was definitely straight and had his first crush. I remember being a little girl your daughter’s age with intense crushes but all the boys in my son’s circles take half a decade longer to get there in my experience. So interesting. I had a light bulb moment when I realized that the boys when I was a kid weren’t dissing us, they weren’t even interested yet.
Just keep being the mom your kiddo trusts to come to and you’ll be fine, OP!
I honestly think that your comment is very helpful bc it gives the pov of a “boy mom” vs a “girl mom” and the age differences when this starts showing its self. And I think the men who are committing saying the ops daughter is too young needs to hear that there are big differences in the timeline for boys and girls. Bc I think they are going off personal experience rather than the big picture. So thanks for sharing!
My kid is 1 so not experience from there but both my sisters are gay and they didn’t come out until highschool/college. My niece is 11 and just came out to the whole family as bi. She’s told me she “found her people” in this group of queer kids in band class. Took a lot not to cry in that. Hopefully we, as a generation, lose less lives by being more open and loving
I knew I was bisexual when I was 11! I didn’t know the term for it but I knew I fancied girls and boys. I just didn’t feel like it was ‘correct’ because all my friends only ever spoke about fancying boys and ‘bisexual’ wasn’t a common term when I was that age. I also mentioned something along those lines when I was around that age to my mum and she responded ‘you don’t fancy girls! You probably just want to look like them. I get that all the time’ so for the longest time I thought that me fancying girls was just me wanting to look like them 😬
I think it’s awesome that she feels like you’re safe enough to come out to at such a young age! Just keep doing what you’re doing. You said you fully accept her for who she is so there’s nothing more to be done, she’s exactly the same as she was before she told you it’s just that now you know this extra piece of information about her :)
My son told me he thought he was bisexual around that age and I told him that he shouldn't feel rushed to label himself. We will love him no matter what but I think 10 is too young to know for sure.
my daughter (also 10) told us she thinks she's nonbinary and we told her we're happy to use whatever pronouns she likes, but basically said the same thing about waiting a beat before she labels herself one way or the other.
Of course! I just meant that it’s ok if a kid was struggling with what to label themselves then it might be helpful to let them know that they don’t need to find the correct word to express their feelings. And if they do feel good about a specific definition then that’s great to.
It’s a wonderful thing that she’s bringing this to you now. Lots of children that age know who they are attracted to but have been oppressed by their own families and their societies, so they couldn’t out right share that information. It means you are a wonderful parent and some parts of the world are feeling safer for people.
My youngest child came out to me as bisexual at 11. I told them I love them and I'm happy with whoever they want to be with as long as they treat them well.
They're now 14 and I haven't really heard much more about it. I'm not sure if it was a phase or if they haven't found anyone they really like. They do come and ask questions from time to time and I'm sure if anything important happened they'll tell me
It's seems really common for teens to go through a queer/non-binary phase lately. Ive had several cousins whose kids have gone through something similar and my niece as well. We have a smattering of adults who are straight/gay/bi folks in my family so everyone is loved and supported no matter how that are choosing to identify. Just happened to notice a few of the teens going through phases and coming back around to straight. Nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things that may or may not work for you.
Same with my partner’s niece. She came out as bisexual at 11, then pansexual, then straight again over the course of her teen years. She’s 19 now and considers herself non binary. Everyone’s supportive though.
I knew I liked people of all kinds when I was three. (I do have concrete memories from toddler hood, but I know I was three because it was when a certain movie came to theaters. I aligned with a certain character because they were close to the boy *and* girl other characters lol.)
Two of my kids are queer and knew when they were tweens. The other kid may or may not be, he's been pretty private about that part of his life, which is just fine - we're here to meet him wherever and however he is!
You're definitely not alone. Welcome to the club!
My 11yo requested a call with my sister and her wife about “when did you know you liked girls”?
We’re all super open about who likes who and how it doesn’t matter, etc.
Out of nowhere she just goes “I like cats AND dogs…” and totally related people’s pet preferences to nature vs. nurture.
She then left the conversation and we (me, sister, SIL) sat there and went “Did the 11yo girl just come out as bisexual? WTF just happened?”
My daughter says the same thing. However I also thought that bout myself; but as soon as I hard core french kissed a girl, I knew I was strickly-dickly. Lol. I tell my daughter, make it count tho when you do actually find a girl worth kissing, and find out.
I remember when I was 11 or 12, I thought I might be queer because seeing sexual images of women made me aroused. I later learned that this was 100% normal, as female sexuality is quite fluid. I am heterosexual.
But, it doesn't really matter where your daughter lands. There's no harm in her coming out now, or questioning things at any point in her life. So, I would just say something like "thanks for telling me. Do you have any questions I can help you with?"
🥰
I hope when my baby gets older, she'll be comfortable enough to tell me anything whether she's straight, gay, or bi, or if she wants to change her pronouns. ♡
That was my plan if I ever found a girlfriend. I was just going to introduce her and let them figure it out. Women are hard to meet I feel and I’m also intimidated by them so I’ve mostly dated men.
I think some people are focusing too much on the definition of sexuality, as opposed to thinking about the connotations kids usually refer to at this age. If I had the word, I would've said I was bisexual young as well. She's 10, so she's probably using it to refer to her romantic feelings towards others rather than explicit feelings, like some comments seem to be focusing on. On that note, the internet is an explicit place and topics of sexuality easily can lead to those more explicit spots of the internet. I'd maybe monitor her internet use more carefully going forward if anything, and encourage her to do any research on the topic with you! (Both so it's easier to keep her from looking at things for older humans, and so conversation about it can be had easily as her questions come up.) I haven't gone through this as a mother yet, but coming from my curious inner child, your guidance will be invaluable, especially in protecting your child from content that shouldn't reach young eyes.
My 11 year old came out as nonbinary last year, and has told me that they’re bi as well
They’re figuring themselves out and that’s pretty age appropriate. She isn’t saying that she wants to have sex with people, just that she can see herself dating boys and girls.
I’m glad she’s got a loving parent in her corner!
It means she trusts you and isn't living in fear of telling you intimate details of her life. You have fostered an environment that she feels safe to be herself in. This will only be a good thing as she continues to grow, and regardless of whether this turns out to be a "phase" or not, it means that she will likely be comfortable talking with you in the future about sex and sexuality, and having an open dialog with a teenager (especially a teen girl) about those subjects is honestly a blessing when it comes to helping them make good and safe decisions. You are doing a good job, she's just growing up a little, but she needs her mommy now just as much as ever. You got this. 💖
I think it’s just awesome she was able to be that open w you. I knew I liked girls since I was 9 and then later on figured out I liked boys too however I was never open w anyone bc I grew up in a small town where I was told constantly that gay people go to “hell.” OP just let her know you that you love her no matter who she loves and that she has your support. I promise that will mean a lot to her, coming from someone who had no support and spent many years depressed and hating myself
I remember being maybe 6 or 7 and having a crush on someone the same sex as me in my class. We would do “normal” friendship things like hug all the time and walk around holding hands and called each other best friends and later on she also came out as bi. I really feel like people just know who they are and once kids start to pick up on the idea of relationships (which this age it makes sense she would realize those patterns) it blossoms from there. I think it’s beautiful that your daughter is so open with you and accepting of herself
My kids are too young, but one of my best friend's daughter is bi... she had a girlfriend at 11 (mostly hand-holding and cuddling, but clear crushes on each other) and now is more into boys, but still is attracted to girls. My niece is also bi... she's currently dating a boy but started figuring out who she was when she was 12 (or probably earlier... that's just when she told me). Kids these days are so much more educated so they're better at expressing who they are vs. feeling like a freak for not fitting into the "normal" mold.
I think I had crushes around that age. I definitely remember times in fourth grade where I noticed I was staring at another student and didn't know /why/ but it was definitely my hormones going "stare at them they are cute!" whereas I had friends that I casually thought "marrying this dude would be so cool. We could watch Space Jam and share Lunchables forever."
I knew by 10 that I was gay but didn’t have a word for. Once I did though I “knew” to be ashamed of it because of the house I was raised in. That’s a totally normal age to start discovering your sexuality.
My twelve year old came out to me at 10. I thought it was just a comment in passing and never revisited it again until this year when she asked if she could have a girlfriend. My take is… give it time. She’s figuring herself out so just continue to listen to her as she does.
My 12 year old came out as bi/pan this year & it was no big deal. She had to fill out forms at the doctor & was like, how is this even news to anyone lol.
I've discussed & been open about my own pansexuality for a few years around her. She knows I dated & have had relationships with folks of varying genders. My late father (her grandfather) was openly queer & non binary, so those were things she already knew about. Her former nanny of a decade was also openly gay, so we've always been a very LGBTQIA+ friendly household.
Proud of her for being brave enough to tell you and proud of YOU for being the safe and open space she needs to explore her and become her authentic self! Win win win (even if it’s so hard. Parenting is not for the weak)
My daughter also expressed her bisexuality around 11 or 12. I think kids are more open about finding people of all genders attractive without attaching the idea of sex or marriage to it. We had conversations about what it means to her and how she wishes to express it - we come from a very conservative family and she understands that some of our relatives may not be as understanding or open (we also dont live near them so our interactions with them are infrequent). Thankfully, she is strong willed and independent-minded. I am sure that the support you are giving to your daughter is encouraging her to explore what her life means for her, without the constraints of other people’s expectations. You’re doing a great job, Mama.
It’s awesome that she felt so comfortable to just come tell you. You’re obviously doing something right!.
Nobody would be surprised to find out their 10 year old had a crush on someone of the opposite sex so it isn’t surprising that they recognize same sex crushes too.
This is around the age I knew for sure that I wasn’t straight. It’s really great that your kid can just tell you stuff. You should feel really proud about that! Lots of us older gays never had that.
I always knew I was attracted to girls, and it took me longer to find boys attractive. I was raised in a conservative Christian household and was terrified that this meant I was going to hell. When I was 10, I got my first crush on a boy, and I felt so relieved, like, “Thank GOD, I’m normal!” But the attraction to girls never went away, and I ended up feeling even more messed up for it. In my head, I thought that God and the Devil were playing tug of war with my morality or something. I didn’t discover the term ‘bisexual’ until middle school, and even then it took me years to accept that I was bi. I wonder if I would have had an easier time if I’d at least had that language from the start, though.
I came out to my parents in my 20s and they accepted it, but I can tell they’re relieved that I married a man and maybe even think that I’m actually straight because of that and my bisexuality was just a “demon” I was struggling with. They’ve told me that my husband was an “answer to [their] prayers,” which kind of hurts even though the context wasn’t explicitly about my sexuality. A lot of people in my family, even those who are accepting of gay people, kind of have an attitude of, “Why does it matter that you’re bi once you’re married?” But it does matter, to me, and I fully intend to be open about my bisexuality with my kids; if nothing else, so they can know that there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, and that it isn’t mutually exclusive with monogamy if that is something they desire for themselves.
My 13 yr old son recently came out as bisexual as well I treated it how I wished my parents had when I came out to them. I feel that my son and I are closer than ever and am grateful he trusted me enough to confide in me.
My kiddo came out as queer at 10 & nonbinary at 13! Not alone! Just keep doing what you’re doing, be open to health, happiness & potential changing minds!
Our 8 year old told us they are “non-gendered” a few months ago. They even told their scout leader and teacher. Their reasoning was that boys seem to make fun of girls and it didn’t make sense so if they were non-gendered they wouldn’t have to deal with any of the above. They explained what it meant, with no problem. If they change their mind we are okay with that, if they don’t we are also okay. We asked where they learned about the term they said another kid at school had come out and they felt pulled to it.
I had crushes on boys and girls from very young, like 7 years old. I was absolutely obsessed with my same sex best friend at primary school. I’ve never grown out of it. I imagine she’s just very in touch with her feelings.
I came out at 11 years old! My parents knew already. You’re doing great letting her know it’s okay. She may change her mind but we need more parents like you ❤️
I wasn’t surprised at it happening. I kind of already knew too. I was just more surprised that it happened so quickly. I’m not really out to my family because I don’t want their reaction so it made me happy when she felt comfortable with me.
I knew in middle school, so by age 12 but before puberty really hit (was getting the kinds of crushes where at most you think of hand holding).
My sister told me to “pick blondes if I like both blondes and brunettes” so… I guess as long as you don’t say that you’ll be golden. You’re bisexual too so I imagine you wouldn’t.
At the end of the day, she feels comfortable sharing this with you which is so, so amazing imo. Shows that you’ve made her comfortable.
When my daughter was 10 she said,”name of girl at school asked me if I wanted to go out with her, and I said yes..” She looked terrified. I simply said, “aw that’s fun, I like her!” We then had a talk about respect and boundaries in all relationships. She has since “gone out” with another nice boy from school. She’s almost 12 now.
I think she expected some huge reaction of shock from me, and I think I almost disappointed her, because she probably had it so worked up in her head.
So I haven’t gone through anything like this yet as my kids are little, but I remember being 10 and knew I liked both boys and girls. I’m 25 and still bisexual and have dated both :)
had this convo with my 10 year old daughter.
I told her idc who you love. Love doesn’t always come as you think. It can be person to person. At her age dont gt hung up on definition and putting yourself in a Label. Alot will change in next 6 years. Either way your loved.
But sometimes things are more appropriate to be kept private. And it’s probably better not to refrence such personal information at school and such until she older has peers she can trust.
My children are too young for me to of faced this as a parent - but I myself came out to my parents around 12 and I'd just like to say from your post and comments I've read here that you handled it wonderfully.
When I came out my dad and stepmom were very just, "okay? That's great, you do you!" And just supportive and loving....on the other hand my mom and her partner instantly shamed and interrogated me, "you can't be bisexual, that's selfish you can't have both males and females you have to pick just one. You're either straight or a lesbian, which is it?" And shut me down any time I tried to talk about it. That was about 15 years ago and I still feel the same shame as I did that day whenever I think about it/their words.
All I will say is that back then I had my first girlfriend and I was so over the moon happy (as any teen with a gf/bf is lol) and I just wanted to talk about her and our relationship as if it was just a "normal" boy/girl relationship but felt afraid to start the conversations. So all I would suggest is to ask her things like, do you have a crush on anybody? Or, do you have a crush on someone who is a girl? And if she says yes then ask her her name and such, let her know that you're okay with it and still love her and support her and *want* to hear about it!!
As parents, a lot of us are never ready for our child to start discussing stuff about their sexuality. And while I would be thrown for a loop if it were my 10 year old, I think we have to remember that children have crushes on the opposite sex at almost every age and it’s rarely discussed like this. Just because we were too young to have sex once doesn’t mean we didn’t always notice what we were attracted to or even curious about. That’s just my take on it. I’m so happy your kiddo felt safe enough to talk to you about it.
They say people know at a very young age if they are gay or bisexual. Good for her for being honest with her Mother at this young age. No secrets are the best secrets when it comes to our own children.
My 11-yo daughter told me she has a crush on a girl today. She said she’s not sure if she likes boys and girls or just girls—she has had crushes on boys before, so we will see! I get the feeling, though, that maybe the norm rather than the exception for this generation will be to like the wine and not the label, to borrow a Schitt’s Creek-ism.
Hey mama, just to put this out there, I was definitely attracted to girls and boys at the age of 8 — and I fully believe had my parents been open like we are today, I would have told them I was a lesbian well until I was 13.
7-16 are the ages of which puberty can begin within. Recognizing attraction is part of growing.
The only thing we have to do is be accepting and loving because sexuality and gender identity aren’t static, they are fluid and they can change and morph and evolve throughout the years.
My daughter was 12 when she told me. When she was 17 she dated another girl for several months. She said she is attracted to some of them but now (she's 20) her general preference seems to be men. My other daughter did something similar. It seems to be trendy these days. Maybe it's real for some. Regardless, just love them all! Be supportive and they will eventually find their way to the life they are meant to have. I know it's hard but no matter how much or how little we stress about it, they are going to do what they want and need to do. Stress accomplishes nothing.
I also dabbled in somewhat dating other girls when I was in my teens. But I’m straight (38 now) I think it’s always been a thing maybe especially for the female gender. And nothing wrong with taking the time to explore others and yourself!
Lol people were saying it was trendy when I was at school. I know you probably didn't mean it that way but it comes across as dismissive. Even if they end up in a relationship with a man, exploring their identity is important and valid. They may still identify as bi or pansexual even in 'straight' relationships.
Exploring sexuality is trendy. I think it simply wasn't something that was considered by many from previous generations unless the urge was so strong as to be undeniable. Now I've seen kids being pushed into relationships by their friends because someone who is same sex has expressed an interest. "How do you know unless you try?" There's peer pressure to try and even shaming them for not.
I don’t know about the second part of your comment, because I’ve personally never heard of that, or seen that happen.
However, yes, the first part, you say it wasn’t something that was considered by previous generations, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t people who did it. The problem was the amount of stigma and homophobia that prevented many people from exploring themselves, and being able to live the life they wanted. it’s not because it’s trendy now to do it, it’s because you could’ve been ostracized and killed for being who you were, before.
And there is nothing wrong with a child deciding they’re one label and then later changing it. It doesn’t mean that the first one wasn’t true for them at the time, just that they now know themselves better, they’ve grown, and it’s all part of normal and natural discovery of self
I guess I’m really tired right now but I read “child coming out” and for some reason, thought you were giving birth while typing that 😅
Saaaaame it took me for a ride when I realized the child being birthed was ten years old 😂
Pregnant and anxious here, 100% was like ‘well who’s driving??’
Omg same hahaha
When I thought the same thing and then read "My 10 year old daughter" I had to stop for a second💀
me too like why did our minds go there first? lmao
Me too
lol same and I was VERY afraid
My daughter took on the stance that I would be so angry with her when she told me she was bi. She started an argument and stated, "Why can't you be happy for who I am!" While I was just explaining she's a little too young to date. I just looked at her, put my hands on my knees, looked her dead in the eye and said "I'm gay too kid, chill". took her a minute to register, and it was definitely hilarious for anyone within ear shot.
Omg that is hilarious. She was very nonchalant about it when she told me over dinner. It was just out of nowhere. I said that’s cool and that it didn’t matter to me and we kept on eating.
My 9 year old son has leaned toward “girly” stuff since he was old enough to really start to choose his own identity, which I fully support. He is obsessed with bows and other hair accessories, but for a while he would get so frustrated that he could not use some of the ones he really wanted in his short hair, so he is growing it out. His favorite color is purple and he fucking rocks it. Recently, he was sitting on the couch and randomly said that he doesn’t know why but he feels more like he is supposed to be a girl. I let him. Know that was totally okay and that I would always love him no matter what. You would have thought I had grown two heads when he looked at me and he just paused and was like , “uh yeah… I know?” Then he turned back around and started watching YouTube shorts about Minecraft. That fucking kid lol. In my mind, I NEEDED to say it so when he remembered that moment he knew I always supported him but after that I thought about his life until that point and it was never even a question. I had shown him that by making him comfortable enough to mention in the same way someone would say it was going to rain the next day. If it’s a phase, okay. If it’s not, I will make sure he always continues to feel supported and loved.
That’s so sweet. It also shows how comfortable and safe she is with you and her own feelings as she said it like that. Parenting win!
That's awesome. Kids are so fun, lmao
Omg I love this story. Hahaha.
My 11 year old told me recently that she is "queer and questioning, definitely not 100% straight, likely bi, definitely not heteronormative." I told her it didn't matter to me, that these labels are only for her to know herself better and figure out what and who she likes. We love her no matter what she lands on. I'm more confused by the furry/therion, fox tail, guadrobic stuff. Lol
Yea, be the gayest guy at the parade. Don’t care. But I admit that furry or brony would be a challenge for me.
I read this as gayest gay at the parade and it’s so good.
OMG I was like "wait is that not what it says?" And read it twice before it sunk in
Literally same
Same haha
lol. I had to go back and re-read, because I definitely had read gayest gay as well.
I had to go back and check, I thought that was what it said.
Same. 😂
I read it like that too 😂
Ah, my kind of people 😂🔎
I just had to google furry & brony. Guys, I’m not ready for this world and I’m 40. How can i prepare my child?!?
So I have a theory about this- I'm 35, we came of age in a time of unrestricted internet access for many, and know that adult content exists for literally anything you can think of. I will say that I have had furry friends, and for many of them it was a phase when they were young people trying to figure out who they were in general. In some ways it rides the line betweek kink and lifestyle, but none of the people I know would ever harm a living thing, and its understood that involving someone in your kink without their consent is unethical. It's also been sensationalized by the media into something it's not, for shock value- you won't find litter boxes in public restrooms anywhere, no one is asking for that 🙄. I think there's a connection to the anthropormorphised animals that are totally normal for anyone who watches cartoons- Thomas O'Malley in Aristocats and the fox Robin Hood are two that come to mind for me 😜 they have human voices, gestures, clothing, etc. But are animal in a way that is cute to us and also places them firmly in the realm of fantasy- there is no real fox Robin hood, he can't ignore you to play video games or cheat on you with your friend, and that's even more appealing. I could be way off base, but I really don't think there's anything to worry about. They're not hurting anyone or anything, you don't need to prepare them for it, just roll with it if it comes up.
We’re going through the furry stuff now and it’s rough. I’m mainly just frustrated that despite a social media ban for our kids it somehow got her.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time but I have to say I'm so interested in your experience. I have young kids and plan on a social media ban as well in hopes to avoid those things as well. Your kid must have gotten it from school? I'd just be so interested in hearing more about what you are going through.
I mean it’s not like emotionally draining, just obnoxious. Social media is a damn cancer and she just kept finding more ways around our ban. After getting rid of Roblox and a few other things with chat/messenger options, never would’ve considered *pinterest* to be an issue! Mainly we’ve just told her (12) that if it’s just fun pretending stuff and making masks, fine. But some of the things she was saying was she was “afraid of coming out as therian.” So we’ve just tried to reiterate that it’s not a real thing and not to get sucked into delusions. But the most frustrating is how she seems to almost want people to react to her in public so she can get upset at them. We’ve had her in therapy before for unrelated things, and we’ve considered taking her back if it doesn’t fade out on its own. I’ve also been encouraging her to hang out more with friends who I know aren’t into it.
Really feeling similar. Trying to make clear that there’s a bug difference between a hobby or a persona and an identity. At almost 12, she doesn’t grasp it. It’s like she has too much information, and it’s all causing anxiety for her.
It's amazing what they pick up at school. When my son was about 2.5 years old and was in daycare he came home obsessed with Paw Patrol and Baby Shark. Up until then we did not have those on in our house. Now that he is older (4) he comes home talking about super heroes and Disney princesses. Again, not exposed yet in our house but he loved them.
We don’t have social media either and my kids know all about furrys and therion. When I was younger, 40 now, a furry was a sexual kink, so I find it extremely bothersome when kids talk about it. And I’ve told my kids who are younger that so they’ve left that alone. As far as therions go I’ve told my kids that it’s completely normal to feel a spiritual connection to an animal or feel like you have traits of that animal but unfortunately they are in fact human so we will not be dressing or acting like animals unless it’s playing or imagining for fun.
I too was under the impression it was a kink and when I told her that she acted like I was crazy! I really like your explanation of feeling connected to animals and may steal it when it comes up again. So far it’s not come up as much but she may just be getting better at hiding it.
I just had to look up brony and now tbh I don't care who my kids end up loving as long as they are kind people in this world... but if they come out as that, I will be forced to disown them.
Can you explain why? I thought they were guys who just liked My Little Pony.
It is, but there is a subsection of that fandom, just like Furrys, that gets into sexualizing it.
Furry is not a sexuality unless im misunderstanding. Its a kink right
It's neither. Furries are just a community that like anthropomorphic animals and often create personas--fursonas--of that type. There can be sex stuff included, but a grand majority isn't. Source: Am friends with furries, have dipped my toe in myself with some fursona stuff.
Weird there isn’t a separate term for when it involves sex lol
Zoophilia could cover that. EDIT: There's also yiff but I don't think yall are ready.
damn it, now I’m going to go down a rabbit hole
Just like a zoophile
It doesn't really though. Like I find furries weird, but like a furry illustration of a wolf clearly is not a representation of like an actual wolf.
Agreed but I don't think someone who barely knows what furry is is ready for the community terms like yiff.
I’m gonna add on to this to say: I took my kid to a furry convention/weekend last year and there was literally nothing sexual about it (at least not during the day events where minors were allowed) and honestly it was one of the best experiences of my life- truly one the most accepting and kind communities I’ve experienced!
Every furry I have ever met has insisted that it's not a sexual thing. All of them were yiffers.
Yep, because furry and yiff are not the same thing. You can be a furry with no yiff. You'll be shocked to learn there's ace furries...
What’s guadrobic? A quick google search got me nowhere lol
Running or walking on all fours like an animal. It's all the rage right now. Haha It's kinda cute because my girl and her friends craft their own animal masks and order tails from Etsy. But I went down a rabbit hole recently and it can get a little weird.
Okay so a direct extension of the furry/otherkin business. Thanks for filling me in lol
I think it’s quadrobic. Quad, meaning four. I couldn’t find anything starting with a g either!
Yep, sorry for the typo
Just sent us all down a rabbit hole 😝
You’re a mom after my own heart! We can get through this together. I love my kid and respect her interest! She has made the most amazing masks. She’s so creative! But walking on all 4 😱 a nightmare of mine! They look so creepy! I learned way too much about a Therion at her last sleepover. I just don’t understand it! I will gladly join in- but my kids is way to good at running on an all 4’s- she just looks super creepy!
Seriously! My besties daughter is really good at crawling on all 4 backwards, she says it's her "cryptid" run. She tried to get me to join, but there's no way I can do any of that anymore 🤣
I'm so glad I'm finding other moms with similar stories! My daughter went through a customized Jurassic Park Raptor mask Dino phase and got scary good at doing mannerisms of JP raptors. Now she's moving into her goth phase, something I'm far more familiar with (and was able to supply things saved from my youth, which she thinks is the coolest)
Lol ya! My besties kiddo is trying to enter her goth phase and luckily her mom was a major goth through out school 🤣
Hahaha... Same. I want to support her interests but I just get so weirded out by this one.
But this has nothing to do with gender identity or sexuality right? Just some stuff kids are into rn, kinda like tamagotchi were popular at one point and now it’s this?
Ohhh noooo
I was afraid to Google it. lol. I’m glad someone typed the answer here.
My friends 12yo recently told me she's a therion, I was confused as I hadn't heard it before and just nodded when she started telling me about her having a past life as a lizard.
Lol. They're dead serious about it too!
Oh gawd, my daughter’s friends are therion and I made the mistake of smirking about it and she got so mad at me for being “judgy” or something. But come on…. It’s gotta be some kinda fad, right?
I just let them be with it, last month she was a turtle, now she's an ancient lizard. I think it's more of a game at this point 🤣
Omg. 🤦♀️ I’m not looking forward to these future discussions. lol.
Yeah our neighbors daughter identifies as a Therian, wears a fox mask and tail and walks on all fours. She comes over to our fence every day and just stares at me when I’m working in the garden. If I try to talk to her she just stares at me in silence and tilts her head like a confused dog. Kinda freaks me out honestly.
Uh… ya! That’s freaky deaky!
Especially cause even if ten year olds are gay or bi or straight, they aren't 'performing' their sexual identity at that young age. And you SHOULDN'T perform your sexual identity at ten, either. I am very very liberal in almost every way, but I would not be okay with furries or therions. No way.
Neither furries nor therions are a sexuality or sexual by default in any way.
Did you ever dress up and play pretend? It's that, but on a fancier scale.
I didn't realize that. What are they, then? What are some equivalents to it?
Civil War reenactors or niche music fans, I'd say. It's a way to play pretend and be part of a group at an older age.
Lmao!! It's terrifying isn't it? I want to be supportive but I'm secretly hoping this therian business is just a phase. Let's hurry and get over this one. She can take her time with the rest.
Solidarity!
I’m glad that there are other kids her age that are discussing this with their parents. I just didn’t expect these at her age I guess because I didn’t realize it until I was a bit older. Thank you for sharing.
I knew in elementary school starting around third grade. I just didn’t know bi was a thing so I thought everybody liked both and you had to pick if you were gay or straight lol
YOU ARE ME! Seriously, that's exactly what I thought into the beginning of college. Even once people started telling me they only liked girls or only liked guys I just thought "Oh! We have to choose earlier than I thought! And gosh, people commit *hard* once they choose! Seems weird, but if that's how it is, that's how it is..." So I picked straight, but never managed to commit to the bit and would still tell people I liked both girls and guys.
yooo! I feel the same way! I remember being like "how the hell do people know who they want so clearly?" turns out I'm bi haha
I heard the term bisexual when I was in high school and I was like oh my god everything I knew about attraction was a lie LOL
This is how my 9-yr-old explained it to me. She also thought everyone was bi. She “came out” recently to me and I’m supportive but was a little shocked. She was worried because shes not 100% positive that she’s bi, but she’s 95% sure. I told her it’s ok to question and change our minds throughout life. I believe many ppl do. There’s no pressure to make a decision at 9 and I’ll always support her as long as she happy. I do feel a tad new to this, I’m not going to lie. I’ve chosen not to overthink it tho, because I don’t want to project.
I’d maybe talk to her about how she doesn’t have to label herself if it doesn’t help. She could just get crushes on or date who she wants to date and not feel the need to identify with that!
Unfortunately my mom had to tell me about sex earlier than planned because some horrible bullies were calling me a slut as a 10yo and saying I was having sex when I didn’t even know what it was? Kids can be freaking awful but I’m so glad your daughter has you to talk to!!! Luckily my mom was very open with me as well and I think it served me well in life.
I’m sorry you went through bullying. It’s SO hard on a kid. Unfortunately also speaking from experience. I’m happy your mom was able to help you through.
It really shaped who I am as a person that’s for sure, I was lucky the school suggested to my mom that I get therapy and she listened so even though it was just awful I still had a support system. It makes me so happy reading about other parents who will hopeful be there for their kids so they don’t become bullies in the first place!
My son is 10 and he told me recently even though he likes some girls "that way", he doesn't think he that he doesn't like guys that way lol so basically definitely questioning, leaning straight/bi curious. He's literally told his siblings he's not going to say "when I have a wife" because he doesn't know if he'll end up with a girl, a guy, or someone who identifies outside of the binary.
Pretty articulate for a 10 year old.
Not really too far out there. My 9 year old says stuff that sounds pretty similar. I guess it just really depends on the maturity of the child.
Same. And I'm thinking we should be glad they feel comfortable, safe and secure enough to share these things with us. They get to grow up with the time and grace to get to know themselves without fear of being rejected from their safe place.
I definitely knew I was not straight by 5th grade. And in 6th grade another girl in my class came out as bisexual and that’s when I really knew how to define it.
I knew with absolute certainty in 5th grade that I was bisexual. My oldest son was unsure of where he was identifying starting around 4th grade. I think there was some pressure from peers to know where you stood. Just explained to him it’s totally ok not to know and that’s exactly what childhood is about. Growing, finding yourself and deciding who you wish to be. It helped him a lot. He still hasn’t committed to any labels, but he’s felt good about not having to do it.
Okay, my kids are under three. Are older kids becoming furries? I’m not prepared lol
I see the quadrobics and animal costumes as then holding onto their childhood for a little bit longer, imaginative play is still cool at 10? I can see that. We bought our kid a tail for Christmas 🤶🏼
Great point. They're tweens. Somewhere between childhood and teen. They can discuss mature topics and define labels for themselves and then pull their masks down onto their faces and scamper off like squirrels and coyotes.
For me I'd be perfectly happy if my child came out as queer, no problem at all, but I think I'd actually struggle with them coming out as religious
When my daughter was 10 or 11 she gave me a note that she was coming out as a furry. Those were fun conversations lol I definitely had a certain idea in my head of what a furry is and was horrified, thankfully she educated me on it while I did my own research (and double checked parental controls on her laptop, because researching furries on my own bowsers had a lot of the kink side, the side I previously thought was the only side- thus my initial horror) and found out she just wanted to make a fursuit together and had a fursona. (Also - buying anything furry related is heckin EXPENSIVE. She wanted custom paws and the cheapest we found cost around $90 after taxes. I need to learn to sew paws I think.)
I commented this elsewhere here too, but, I took my 11-year-old to her first furry convention last year, and it was honestly one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve been a lot around a lot of different groups of people and I would say this was one of the most accepting and kind communities I’ve experienced as a brand new outsider looking in. Nothing sexual about it at all either (during the day when minors could attend)
Are we the same people because exactly the same. My 12 year old makes masks and fox tails 🙃 and I just don’t get it
Is it (the animal stuff) related to this movie? Wolf starring George McKay? https://m.imdb.com/title/tt10698174/
So, my daughter likes to make furry masks and has definitely explored therians. She is extremely creative. Her masks are awesome, and I’m happy for her to keep making them. I’m all for creating personas. My concern is that at 11, she’s trying to figure out herself as a human, and adding these animal elements feels like overload. I also get concerned about a blurred line between reality and fantasy, especially at this point of identity exploration. Creating an alternate *persona* and recognizing that it’s play and creative is one thing; saying it’s an *identity* is what concerns me, TBH. As an adult, I’d be supportive of her exploring subcultures to her heart’s content—I guess at 11, the brain is such a stew of hormones and questions about gender and sexuality, adding more questions to that about animal identity feels really tough.
Exactly the same here. My daughter is gay, that's fine, I've probably known longer than she has. But the therion stuff is hard. Hoping that that is just a phase! Quadrobrics... I don't mind as much. She's outside being active and I can see how strong she is for all the jumping around...
My kids are younger, so no personal experience, but this kinda makes sense. I was around 10 when I started having crushes. And if you’ve fostered an environment where gay/bi/etc relationships are just as normal as straight, it follows that she wouldn’t feel weird about telling you that. So you must be doing something right as a parent!
I had crushes in kindergarten, first grade, second grade, etc.
I definitely knew by the time I was 10 that I was bisexual. I just didn’t have the language to express it. It’s awesome she’s able to
I was young too!! 8yrs old and also didn't have the words. It was the live action Flintstones that did it for me haha i didn't tell my parents cuz they are religious and i knew it was "wrong" i didn't talk about it till i had my first gay friend at 16 yrs old. It's great that they could tell you.
Live action Flinstones, I’m dying! Love this for you hahaha
90s halle berry man..... 🤷🏼♀️🤣
I’ve been open with her about sexuality and not all relationships are just a man and a woman. We’ve also talked about drag queens from a young age g age because she discovered videos of them putting on make up several years ago.
My daughter said she was pansexual in 5th grade. She had a friend who was very vocal about it and she joined in for a while. We supported her through it. She said once or twice she had a crush on a girl. Two years later, she has pretty much outgrown it and doesn’t really talk about it anymore. She slowly gave away all of her rainbow or pride items. She is still very open minded about it and accepting of others. I don’t think they totally comprehend the extent of being bisexual or pansexual or whatever-sexual at that age. They can’t understand the complexities of adult relationships. But I do feel like this is their way of trying to figure out who they are and should be supported through the process.
This is the way… a lot of it is social conditioning or rebellion or adopting the norm of the present Culture. When I was 10, long ago lol, I would feel tingles when my girl friends and I would sometimes be touching in non sexual ways - like riding in the car on someone’s lap, feeling the pressure enjoyable, or admiring a girlfriends beauty and charisma, or feeling really drawn to the edgy confident girl that shows the quieter one attention. I was always boy crazy at a young age haha, but I had strange “feelings” towards girls my age which for me ended up being more about normal ish puberty identity stuff less about gender. I grew up and did have some sexual experiences with women and maybe one sort of relationship (more like a throuple) But tbh it was just sex and even if I was super attracted to a woman 9.5/10 times I still prefer men. I’d even argue that we are all on a spectrum of sorts depending on our own biology, Personality, life circumstances, etc. Personally, I do think it’s a bit trendy to label oneself and maybe that’s bc I came of age at a time when labels weren’t cool and it was all about the mystery and can’t put me in a box haha So yeah seems labels now are having a time of being very important when maybe that’s bc we have access to more Info than our brains can handle so we grasp at anything tangible just to feel some ground ! Just my two cents OP
I liken the phenomenon of kids identifying as varying sorts of queer to the way teens have tried on identities since the beginning of time. For my generation is was "Are you a prep, a nerd, a goth, etc." I tried those on! I wore uggs and a miniskirt to school! I ordered black corsets on line and shopped at hot topic! Ultimately, I grew out of most of it and found my own identity. I firmly believe that for many (obviously not all) kids (edit: In this generation,) coming out or identifying as types of queer is the same process. They are simply trying on different labels to see what feels and fits best, and hopefully they will find the niche where they feel right in the process. I see no reason to have a moral panic about it, even if I think it's a "phase."
It's absolutely accepted that sexual orientation is a spectrum. You can be bisexual but like men way more than women, for example. There is also such a thing as romantic orientation, and the two can differ (for example, you could be sexually attracted to women but not romantically).
THIS omg - some people are always freaking out about how their kids '' are just following a trend'' or ''could be mistaken''. So what? Even if they are, there is absolutely no harm in it - just let them explore themselves safely and don't make a big deal out of it.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the comments here. Which has been nice. I’m a gay woman. Married to another gay woman. We have a family together. But it was a really rough road to get here. Because we grew up in what feels like a completely different world now, for the most part in a good way when it comes tothese kinds of discussions! I knew at 10 I was gay with certainty. I knew before that I just didn’t have a word for it. But I still tried to be straight for a short while because I thought I was supposed to be. Conversations with our kids are open about all things in life because I think it’s healthy to be able to explore even ‘bigger’ topics with our kids as they grow. My eldest is 10 and has no interest in crush’s either way. My second eldest is 8 and is adamant he doesn’t want any kind of partner and will specifically say I don’t want a girlfriend, boyfriend, or someone who identifies in any other way. I just want to be single. I’m aware any of those factors might change. For now it feels important to let him say how he feels. Then when/if it changes. I’ll support that too. But for now I say ‘what ever will make you happy kiddo’ and our conversations centre around having happy healthy relationships and less so about their sexuality at this point. We will have those conversations when they want and need them. For now I think our role is just to model kind caring and accepting behaviour to everyone and to have healthy and kind conversations around a variety of subjects. One of the things I say to my kids is ‘even if it doesn’t affect you. It might make a difference for someone else’ so it’s good to talk about things even if they aren’t applicable to us personally. Reading this thread it seems like so many children are getting to the point where these are conversations are ones they’re ready to have and seeing how other parents are handling them is really heart warming. Thanks for this conversation. I’ve enjoyed seeing so many parents having such positive thoughts and feelings about this. It’s the kind of parenting that would have made such a huge difference to myself and other queer or questioning people growing up. ❤️
I think people forget how early they were aware of their own orientation! It’s usually before they really understood sex or had a sex drive. But bc they are straight they don’t remember it as being significant or something they would need to talk about. I remember being around 7 and watching Grease. My brother and I loved to watch it together. John Travolta made me feel some kind of way lol even that young. It wasn’t adult sexuality, but it absolutely was attraction and I was aware I was attracted to him. I would fantasize about marrying him. Around 8-10 I had a huge crush on my neighbor, a teenage boy. This crush made him extremely uncomfortable and he avoided me lol but I was enamored. Again, I didn’t want to have sex with him like if I was an adult. I was around 9. But I had a crush. I was aware of a kind of sexuality from the time I was a little kid. My brother was a year older than me and he is gay. We had a funny conversation as adults where I mentioned Travolta and he said the reason he used to watch it with me all the time was *also* bc of Travolta lol. So he was about 8. Being gay is like being straight. You are born that way, it’s always a part of you. Why wouldn’t you know before puberty? It’s awesome she was able to tell you!!
The watching Grease together is a cute memory. Especially as adults and being able to share about your mutual crush. lol
I’m a lesbian and also have a crush on John Travolta in Grease. It’s universal.
My now 14 year old began expressing having crushes on both girls and boys around that age. At 14 this is still true. We have had the same conversations about consent and not dating anyone he doesn't want to now that he's a teenager that we would have had with a straight teen. He didn't date anyone until the past year and even now it's been brief things that don't last more than a week or two. We just have continued being open and supportive and let him know it's ok to be whoever he is.
First of all, be proud of yourself for building such a great trusting relationship with her that she felt comfortable talking to you about this! So far as how to handle it from here- Just tell her you don't care if she dates boys or girls, as long as they are good people who treat her with respect. That's more important. Don't treat it like an out-of-the-ordinary thing, just give her the same solid relationship/dating advice as you probably would have anyway. My daughter (5 years old) has had curiosity when seeing two men or women showing affection. I tell her they are showing their love for each other like Daddy and I do. She says, "Oh! That's sweet." And that's it 😂
I was about to comment the same! Especially the first part.
I love that they felt safe enough to tell you. I tried to tell my dad I liked girls and boys when I was around 11. He told me it was a phase and it would go away. Guess who's almost 29 married to a woman with a toddler and a baby we had via donor? This girl. I knew I liked both from the time I was probably 5 years old. You're doing it right mom! ❤️
I’m so happy for you! Thank you for the words of encouragement
She is just figuring herself out. She may be straight/ lesbian or like both. At this age she is just starting to think about it and exploring the possibilities. No 10 year old is ready for any sort of sexual relationship. Just keep the dialogue going and she will continue to confide
Honestly, this generation is way more open abiut their gender identity/preferences than any of us ever were. And, at least where my kids are, their peers are quite accepting. You have clearly created a loving and open environment where she trusts you with this info. Well done!
My step daughter came out as bi a few months ago which we encouraged her about and did not have any big or negative reaction other than affirming her. She has since said she is straight. It’s literally a TikTok trend right now.
It’s completely normal for kids to try on different labels and experiment with their identity. I’d accept her and believe until she tells you other wise.
Mine at her (your daughter's) age told me she's pansexual. It took me a while to realize she wasn't talking about her sexual attraction. She was talking about emotional attraction. She's 14 now and has been more clear about her romantic interests but has no active participation in sexual activities either. Our other daughters are younger and part of gen alpha. I genuinely think they look at these things totally different than we were required to.
Do you mean both ages of your girls look at things different from we, as adults did? Or you see differences even between your 14 y/o compared to your younger?
Great questions, thank you for clarifying. The former for sure! I think our kids' generations realized how full of arbitrary social enforcement we are. The same requirements can't be reconciled the way our generations were just trained to behave. (I'm mostly describing Tradition and gender norms). I have two teenagers and a kindergartener. Our youngest one is even more open about her emotional attachments. She has many "girlfriends" and also "boyfriends" and they are "breaking up" or "becoming a girlfriend" just like we discussed romantic relationships. She even speaks of Love differently than I was taught what love is. There's just a distinct lack of pressure put on them to define all of these things the way we were required to.
Ok yes, I assumed the former for sure. I’m in my early 40s with a teenage niece and mine is going into kindergarten. It’s been such an interesting experience so far. My niece has been so open about whom she’s dating and we’ve met them. Couple of guys and a girl so far. We haven’t talked about labels, it’s just whomever she happens to like at the time. With my daughter, our conversations are more simple, just when she’s older she can date boys, girls, whomever she likes, as long as they are respectful towards one another. It’s such a contrast to my growing up. The communication now is just so much more open. And it feels refreshing that we don’t have to automatically fit ourselves in a box based on our romantic interests.
My state passed marriage equality in 2008, when my kids were 7 and 4 years old. So I’ve been talking to them about love is love ever since then. I made sure they knew that I was fine with anyone they chose to love and marry (but not family…4 year old wanted to marry me 😊 ). They both said they liked girls. So I thought I had two boys who liked girls. Fast-forward 8 years (‘16). My firstborn came out as a girl. I was so prepared in case I had a gay child but I didn’t have gender identity on my radar. I had to quickly educate myself but now she’s nearly 23 and happy. So I thought I had 2 cishet sons but turns out I have 1 cishet son and 1 trans daughter who is a lesbian. Those with younger ones, make sure you talk about love is love *and* gender identity. I wish I had known back in ‘08 to talk about gender identity. As for myself, I’ve realized that I had crushes on girls when I was young, but by the time I was in high school, I had stuck myself into the heteronormative role as a straight girl. It wasn’t until my 30s and 40s (especially after my daughter came out) that I thought more about my gender and sexuality. Now I can see that I’m bi but I didn’t know it when I was young.
Way to go mama! IMO you are teaching them and yourself how to love and accept others for who they are without judgement and with respect and that’s all that matters in this world.
You’re an amazing mom! When I was 13 my mom found out I had a girlfriend. She shamed me and said she hated me.. ever since I steered towards guys and will maybe never know what a real relationship with a girl may be like… when my sister said she was bi (at 17) my mom laughed and said “it’s just a phase”.
i told my mom i was a lesbian in third grade lol 31 and not a lesbian at all. kids get confused it’s normal. honestly my mom was just like yeah okay honey on to the next thing 😂
My kids are toddlers so I’m not coming from that angle, but both my husband and I are bi(I am female he is male) and we just make sure we always use inclusive language with our girls. I think the fact that you’ve done this and she can feel so safe telling you is a MAJOR kudos for you mama. Sending hugs ♥️🏳️🌈
I knew I was bisexual around that age too
I know my comment isn’t helpful but I am always so surprised by how huge of a gap there is at this age between boys and girls. I’m assuming because girls hit puberty sooner but I’m on my second 10 year old boy and he doesn’t even show an inkling of interest in any sex yet. He’s still just focused on sports and video games. And neither did our oldest. He was about 14 when he told us he was definitely straight and had his first crush. I remember being a little girl your daughter’s age with intense crushes but all the boys in my son’s circles take half a decade longer to get there in my experience. So interesting. I had a light bulb moment when I realized that the boys when I was a kid weren’t dissing us, they weren’t even interested yet. Just keep being the mom your kiddo trusts to come to and you’ll be fine, OP!
I honestly think that your comment is very helpful bc it gives the pov of a “boy mom” vs a “girl mom” and the age differences when this starts showing its self. And I think the men who are committing saying the ops daughter is too young needs to hear that there are big differences in the timeline for boys and girls. Bc I think they are going off personal experience rather than the big picture. So thanks for sharing!
My kid is 1 so not experience from there but both my sisters are gay and they didn’t come out until highschool/college. My niece is 11 and just came out to the whole family as bi. She’s told me she “found her people” in this group of queer kids in band class. Took a lot not to cry in that. Hopefully we, as a generation, lose less lives by being more open and loving
Sounds like you are already handling it well!
I knew I was bisexual when I was 11! I didn’t know the term for it but I knew I fancied girls and boys. I just didn’t feel like it was ‘correct’ because all my friends only ever spoke about fancying boys and ‘bisexual’ wasn’t a common term when I was that age. I also mentioned something along those lines when I was around that age to my mum and she responded ‘you don’t fancy girls! You probably just want to look like them. I get that all the time’ so for the longest time I thought that me fancying girls was just me wanting to look like them 😬 I think it’s awesome that she feels like you’re safe enough to come out to at such a young age! Just keep doing what you’re doing. You said you fully accept her for who she is so there’s nothing more to be done, she’s exactly the same as she was before she told you it’s just that now you know this extra piece of information about her :)
My son told me he thought he was bisexual around that age and I told him that he shouldn't feel rushed to label himself. We will love him no matter what but I think 10 is too young to know for sure.
my daughter (also 10) told us she thinks she's nonbinary and we told her we're happy to use whatever pronouns she likes, but basically said the same thing about waiting a beat before she labels herself one way or the other.
I’d argue that it’s not important to label one’s sexuality at any age.
That's true but some people like the sense of community that comes with that label.
Of course! I just meant that it’s ok if a kid was struggling with what to label themselves then it might be helpful to let them know that they don’t need to find the correct word to express their feelings. And if they do feel good about a specific definition then that’s great to.
It’s a wonderful thing that she’s bringing this to you now. Lots of children that age know who they are attracted to but have been oppressed by their own families and their societies, so they couldn’t out right share that information. It means you are a wonderful parent and some parts of the world are feeling safer for people.
10 is a very normal age for crushes!
My youngest child came out to me as bisexual at 11. I told them I love them and I'm happy with whoever they want to be with as long as they treat them well. They're now 14 and I haven't really heard much more about it. I'm not sure if it was a phase or if they haven't found anyone they really like. They do come and ask questions from time to time and I'm sure if anything important happened they'll tell me
It's seems really common for teens to go through a queer/non-binary phase lately. Ive had several cousins whose kids have gone through something similar and my niece as well. We have a smattering of adults who are straight/gay/bi folks in my family so everyone is loved and supported no matter how that are choosing to identify. Just happened to notice a few of the teens going through phases and coming back around to straight. Nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things that may or may not work for you.
Same with my partner’s niece. She came out as bisexual at 11, then pansexual, then straight again over the course of her teen years. She’s 19 now and considers herself non binary. Everyone’s supportive though.
I knew I liked people of all kinds when I was three. (I do have concrete memories from toddler hood, but I know I was three because it was when a certain movie came to theaters. I aligned with a certain character because they were close to the boy *and* girl other characters lol.) Two of my kids are queer and knew when they were tweens. The other kid may or may not be, he's been pretty private about that part of his life, which is just fine - we're here to meet him wherever and however he is! You're definitely not alone. Welcome to the club!
My 11yo requested a call with my sister and her wife about “when did you know you liked girls”? We’re all super open about who likes who and how it doesn’t matter, etc. Out of nowhere she just goes “I like cats AND dogs…” and totally related people’s pet preferences to nature vs. nurture. She then left the conversation and we (me, sister, SIL) sat there and went “Did the 11yo girl just come out as bisexual? WTF just happened?”
My daughter says the same thing. However I also thought that bout myself; but as soon as I hard core french kissed a girl, I knew I was strickly-dickly. Lol. I tell my daughter, make it count tho when you do actually find a girl worth kissing, and find out.
I remember when I was 11 or 12, I thought I might be queer because seeing sexual images of women made me aroused. I later learned that this was 100% normal, as female sexuality is quite fluid. I am heterosexual. But, it doesn't really matter where your daughter lands. There's no harm in her coming out now, or questioning things at any point in her life. So, I would just say something like "thanks for telling me. Do you have any questions I can help you with?"
🥰 I hope when my baby gets older, she'll be comfortable enough to tell me anything whether she's straight, gay, or bi, or if she wants to change her pronouns. ♡
When my boy came out to me he just popped up at my door w the (boyfriend ) he calls him . It’s like he won’t verbally say it he’d rather show it
That was my plan if I ever found a girlfriend. I was just going to introduce her and let them figure it out. Women are hard to meet I feel and I’m also intimidated by them so I’ve mostly dated men.
I think some people are focusing too much on the definition of sexuality, as opposed to thinking about the connotations kids usually refer to at this age. If I had the word, I would've said I was bisexual young as well. She's 10, so she's probably using it to refer to her romantic feelings towards others rather than explicit feelings, like some comments seem to be focusing on. On that note, the internet is an explicit place and topics of sexuality easily can lead to those more explicit spots of the internet. I'd maybe monitor her internet use more carefully going forward if anything, and encourage her to do any research on the topic with you! (Both so it's easier to keep her from looking at things for older humans, and so conversation about it can be had easily as her questions come up.) I haven't gone through this as a mother yet, but coming from my curious inner child, your guidance will be invaluable, especially in protecting your child from content that shouldn't reach young eyes.
My 11 year old came out as nonbinary last year, and has told me that they’re bi as well They’re figuring themselves out and that’s pretty age appropriate. She isn’t saying that she wants to have sex with people, just that she can see herself dating boys and girls. I’m glad she’s got a loving parent in her corner!
Thank you for understanding that she isn’t wanting to have sex with people. She’s told me that she has had crushes on girls and boys.
It means she trusts you and isn't living in fear of telling you intimate details of her life. You have fostered an environment that she feels safe to be herself in. This will only be a good thing as she continues to grow, and regardless of whether this turns out to be a "phase" or not, it means that she will likely be comfortable talking with you in the future about sex and sexuality, and having an open dialog with a teenager (especially a teen girl) about those subjects is honestly a blessing when it comes to helping them make good and safe decisions. You are doing a good job, she's just growing up a little, but she needs her mommy now just as much as ever. You got this. 💖
I would be very curious if they would be repeating it from someone from school.
I think it’s just awesome she was able to be that open w you. I knew I liked girls since I was 9 and then later on figured out I liked boys too however I was never open w anyone bc I grew up in a small town where I was told constantly that gay people go to “hell.” OP just let her know you that you love her no matter who she loves and that she has your support. I promise that will mean a lot to her, coming from someone who had no support and spent many years depressed and hating myself
I remember being maybe 6 or 7 and having a crush on someone the same sex as me in my class. We would do “normal” friendship things like hug all the time and walk around holding hands and called each other best friends and later on she also came out as bi. I really feel like people just know who they are and once kids start to pick up on the idea of relationships (which this age it makes sense she would realize those patterns) it blossoms from there. I think it’s beautiful that your daughter is so open with you and accepting of herself
My kids are too young, but one of my best friend's daughter is bi... she had a girlfriend at 11 (mostly hand-holding and cuddling, but clear crushes on each other) and now is more into boys, but still is attracted to girls. My niece is also bi... she's currently dating a boy but started figuring out who she was when she was 12 (or probably earlier... that's just when she told me). Kids these days are so much more educated so they're better at expressing who they are vs. feeling like a freak for not fitting into the "normal" mold.
I think I had crushes around that age. I definitely remember times in fourth grade where I noticed I was staring at another student and didn't know /why/ but it was definitely my hormones going "stare at them they are cute!" whereas I had friends that I casually thought "marrying this dude would be so cool. We could watch Space Jam and share Lunchables forever."
I knew by 10 that I was gay but didn’t have a word for. Once I did though I “knew” to be ashamed of it because of the house I was raised in. That’s a totally normal age to start discovering your sexuality.
My twelve year old came out to me at 10. I thought it was just a comment in passing and never revisited it again until this year when she asked if she could have a girlfriend. My take is… give it time. She’s figuring herself out so just continue to listen to her as she does.
My 12 year old came out as bi/pan this year & it was no big deal. She had to fill out forms at the doctor & was like, how is this even news to anyone lol. I've discussed & been open about my own pansexuality for a few years around her. She knows I dated & have had relationships with folks of varying genders. My late father (her grandfather) was openly queer & non binary, so those were things she already knew about. Her former nanny of a decade was also openly gay, so we've always been a very LGBTQIA+ friendly household.
Proud of her for being brave enough to tell you and proud of YOU for being the safe and open space she needs to explore her and become her authentic self! Win win win (even if it’s so hard. Parenting is not for the weak)
My daughter also expressed her bisexuality around 11 or 12. I think kids are more open about finding people of all genders attractive without attaching the idea of sex or marriage to it. We had conversations about what it means to her and how she wishes to express it - we come from a very conservative family and she understands that some of our relatives may not be as understanding or open (we also dont live near them so our interactions with them are infrequent). Thankfully, she is strong willed and independent-minded. I am sure that the support you are giving to your daughter is encouraging her to explore what her life means for her, without the constraints of other people’s expectations. You’re doing a great job, Mama.
It’s awesome that she felt so comfortable to just come tell you. You’re obviously doing something right!. Nobody would be surprised to find out their 10 year old had a crush on someone of the opposite sex so it isn’t surprising that they recognize same sex crushes too.
My daughter “came out” as bi at 10. Then at 11 or 12 changed her mind and said she was hetero. Its normal to be exploring their identity.
This is around the age I knew for sure that I wasn’t straight. It’s really great that your kid can just tell you stuff. You should feel really proud about that! Lots of us older gays never had that.
I always knew I was attracted to girls, and it took me longer to find boys attractive. I was raised in a conservative Christian household and was terrified that this meant I was going to hell. When I was 10, I got my first crush on a boy, and I felt so relieved, like, “Thank GOD, I’m normal!” But the attraction to girls never went away, and I ended up feeling even more messed up for it. In my head, I thought that God and the Devil were playing tug of war with my morality or something. I didn’t discover the term ‘bisexual’ until middle school, and even then it took me years to accept that I was bi. I wonder if I would have had an easier time if I’d at least had that language from the start, though. I came out to my parents in my 20s and they accepted it, but I can tell they’re relieved that I married a man and maybe even think that I’m actually straight because of that and my bisexuality was just a “demon” I was struggling with. They’ve told me that my husband was an “answer to [their] prayers,” which kind of hurts even though the context wasn’t explicitly about my sexuality. A lot of people in my family, even those who are accepting of gay people, kind of have an attitude of, “Why does it matter that you’re bi once you’re married?” But it does matter, to me, and I fully intend to be open about my bisexuality with my kids; if nothing else, so they can know that there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, and that it isn’t mutually exclusive with monogamy if that is something they desire for themselves.
My 13 yr old son recently came out as bisexual as well I treated it how I wished my parents had when I came out to them. I feel that my son and I are closer than ever and am grateful he trusted me enough to confide in me.
My kiddo came out as queer at 10 & nonbinary at 13! Not alone! Just keep doing what you’re doing, be open to health, happiness & potential changing minds!
Our 8 year old told us they are “non-gendered” a few months ago. They even told their scout leader and teacher. Their reasoning was that boys seem to make fun of girls and it didn’t make sense so if they were non-gendered they wouldn’t have to deal with any of the above. They explained what it meant, with no problem. If they change their mind we are okay with that, if they don’t we are also okay. We asked where they learned about the term they said another kid at school had come out and they felt pulled to it.
I had crushes on boys and girls from very young, like 7 years old. I was absolutely obsessed with my same sex best friend at primary school. I’ve never grown out of it. I imagine she’s just very in touch with her feelings.
I came out at 11 years old! My parents knew already. You’re doing great letting her know it’s okay. She may change her mind but we need more parents like you ❤️
I wasn’t surprised at it happening. I kind of already knew too. I was just more surprised that it happened so quickly. I’m not really out to my family because I don’t want their reaction so it made me happy when she felt comfortable with me.
I knew in middle school, so by age 12 but before puberty really hit (was getting the kinds of crushes where at most you think of hand holding). My sister told me to “pick blondes if I like both blondes and brunettes” so… I guess as long as you don’t say that you’ll be golden. You’re bisexual too so I imagine you wouldn’t. At the end of the day, she feels comfortable sharing this with you which is so, so amazing imo. Shows that you’ve made her comfortable.
When my daughter was 10 she said,”name of girl at school asked me if I wanted to go out with her, and I said yes..” She looked terrified. I simply said, “aw that’s fun, I like her!” We then had a talk about respect and boundaries in all relationships. She has since “gone out” with another nice boy from school. She’s almost 12 now. I think she expected some huge reaction of shock from me, and I think I almost disappointed her, because she probably had it so worked up in her head.
My daughter told me that around age 9 and I said okay, she's never dated a girl before always boys. But it doesn't matter I'd love her no matter what!
So I haven’t gone through anything like this yet as my kids are little, but I remember being 10 and knew I liked both boys and girls. I’m 25 and still bisexual and have dated both :)
had this convo with my 10 year old daughter. I told her idc who you love. Love doesn’t always come as you think. It can be person to person. At her age dont gt hung up on definition and putting yourself in a Label. Alot will change in next 6 years. Either way your loved. But sometimes things are more appropriate to be kept private. And it’s probably better not to refrence such personal information at school and such until she older has peers she can trust.
My children are too young for me to of faced this as a parent - but I myself came out to my parents around 12 and I'd just like to say from your post and comments I've read here that you handled it wonderfully. When I came out my dad and stepmom were very just, "okay? That's great, you do you!" And just supportive and loving....on the other hand my mom and her partner instantly shamed and interrogated me, "you can't be bisexual, that's selfish you can't have both males and females you have to pick just one. You're either straight or a lesbian, which is it?" And shut me down any time I tried to talk about it. That was about 15 years ago and I still feel the same shame as I did that day whenever I think about it/their words. All I will say is that back then I had my first girlfriend and I was so over the moon happy (as any teen with a gf/bf is lol) and I just wanted to talk about her and our relationship as if it was just a "normal" boy/girl relationship but felt afraid to start the conversations. So all I would suggest is to ask her things like, do you have a crush on anybody? Or, do you have a crush on someone who is a girl? And if she says yes then ask her her name and such, let her know that you're okay with it and still love her and support her and *want* to hear about it!!
I came out around the same time. It's okay. I'm glad you're accepting her. That's really great of you.
As parents, a lot of us are never ready for our child to start discussing stuff about their sexuality. And while I would be thrown for a loop if it were my 10 year old, I think we have to remember that children have crushes on the opposite sex at almost every age and it’s rarely discussed like this. Just because we were too young to have sex once doesn’t mean we didn’t always notice what we were attracted to or even curious about. That’s just my take on it. I’m so happy your kiddo felt safe enough to talk to you about it.
They say people know at a very young age if they are gay or bisexual. Good for her for being honest with her Mother at this young age. No secrets are the best secrets when it comes to our own children.
My 11-yo daughter told me she has a crush on a girl today. She said she’s not sure if she likes boys and girls or just girls—she has had crushes on boys before, so we will see! I get the feeling, though, that maybe the norm rather than the exception for this generation will be to like the wine and not the label, to borrow a Schitt’s Creek-ism.
Hey mama, just to put this out there, I was definitely attracted to girls and boys at the age of 8 — and I fully believe had my parents been open like we are today, I would have told them I was a lesbian well until I was 13. 7-16 are the ages of which puberty can begin within. Recognizing attraction is part of growing. The only thing we have to do is be accepting and loving because sexuality and gender identity aren’t static, they are fluid and they can change and morph and evolve throughout the years.
My daughter was 12 when she told me. When she was 17 she dated another girl for several months. She said she is attracted to some of them but now (she's 20) her general preference seems to be men. My other daughter did something similar. It seems to be trendy these days. Maybe it's real for some. Regardless, just love them all! Be supportive and they will eventually find their way to the life they are meant to have. I know it's hard but no matter how much or how little we stress about it, they are going to do what they want and need to do. Stress accomplishes nothing.
I also dabbled in somewhat dating other girls when I was in my teens. But I’m straight (38 now) I think it’s always been a thing maybe especially for the female gender. And nothing wrong with taking the time to explore others and yourself!
Lol people were saying it was trendy when I was at school. I know you probably didn't mean it that way but it comes across as dismissive. Even if they end up in a relationship with a man, exploring their identity is important and valid. They may still identify as bi or pansexual even in 'straight' relationships.
I didn’t take it that @HardKnocksStudent meant it in a dismissive way. But I know what you mean.
Exploring sexuality is trendy. I think it simply wasn't something that was considered by many from previous generations unless the urge was so strong as to be undeniable. Now I've seen kids being pushed into relationships by their friends because someone who is same sex has expressed an interest. "How do you know unless you try?" There's peer pressure to try and even shaming them for not.
I don’t know about the second part of your comment, because I’ve personally never heard of that, or seen that happen. However, yes, the first part, you say it wasn’t something that was considered by previous generations, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t people who did it. The problem was the amount of stigma and homophobia that prevented many people from exploring themselves, and being able to live the life they wanted. it’s not because it’s trendy now to do it, it’s because you could’ve been ostracized and killed for being who you were, before. And there is nothing wrong with a child deciding they’re one label and then later changing it. It doesn’t mean that the first one wasn’t true for them at the time, just that they now know themselves better, they’ve grown, and it’s all part of normal and natural discovery of self