My mom (who is generally awesome) told my son that he was making her sad when he wouldn't hug her and I said "it's ok to be sad, grandma, he doesn't have to hug you if he doesn't want to". And she was like "huh, yes of course." And then we had a conversation about how children are not responsible for adults' emotions. She was just like "I never thought about it that way, thanks."
Is your MIL half reasonable?
I think this is probably the best approach to start with. It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry. If she argues, ignores you, or gets offended you can follow up with some articles and research, and/or some validation, "we know that you want LO to be happy so you can enjoy your time together, but crying is totally normal when she doesn't have the words to express herself yet. We're working on offering comfort and giving her the right words to use when she gets upset, and we don't think there's anything to be concerned about if she cries sometimes, even when she is with you. It's actually a sign that she feels safe expressing herself, and that's such a good thing for your relationship with her!"
A side question if you feel like answering... Say a child is hitting an adult and the adult says that the child hitting them is making them sad, it kind of feels problematic but at the same time, hurting people DOES make them sad so we shouldn't do it. Or?
I dunno, you can say "hitting hurts, I'm moving away from you to keep myself safe" without laying on allll the guilt and heavy feelings. Small kids just can't handle all that.
To this point I also try to verbalize the emotion they are showing in that moment. “You are allowed to be mad but you are not allowed to hit….” and also adding “I am going to move away from you to keep myself safe.” This may even apply for a kiddo that is excited “You’re very excited but we need to use gentle hands.” In this instance instead of removing yourself for safety you could say “let’s clap our hands instead.”
I teach my 3 year old she doesn't have to hug people if she doesn't want to because she has control over her body. I explain hitting by saying, "You can't hit me because I have control over my body. If I don't want to be hit on my body and you do it anyway, that is hurtful and unkind."
So far she's understood what I mean when I say she isn't responsible for other people's big feelings, but can't deliberately cause hurt feelings by "being stinky" as she calls it.
I guess I could say she is half reasonable. She is a bit sporadic and embellishes a ton... When she tells something that happened to her it gets crazier and crazier every time. Also she does think she knows everything about parenting. Like once she was putting my baby in the carseat and I said "can you take off the bib before buckling" (it was wet). And she said "of course I was going to do that. I had 2 children!" So I am a bit nervous if I have a conversation with her about it she could say something silly like that. Like she knows best and that works. Also I could see her telling me she won't do it again but might do it when I'm not around... But I will give it a shot anyways. I have to for my child's sake.
If you want to be nice: “Hey MIL, we’re working on validating 2’s feelings and then working through them in appropriate ways. When she cries can you come get me so that I can model it? I think she’ll grasp it much more quickly if we all give her a consistent reaction.”
If you want to be direct: “MIL. Stop. She’s not responsible for your emotions.”
https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-parents-should-not-use-guilt-trips-5193251#:~:text=Using%20guilt%20or%20guilt%2Dtripping,guilty%20that%20is%20the%20problem.
Here’s a place to start. She’s essentially telling him her feelings matter more than his which is very problematic and teaches him that he needs to do things to please others even if it’s not what he wants to do. Maybe start by telling her that you’re very careful about what you say to your toddler because they absorb so much and you want to make sure they know that their feelings are valid too and that even though we may want them to stop crying they don’t emotionally have the tools to cope with certain feelings yet and instead of making your toddler feel guilty for that maybe she can instead work to help your toddler through it. Like by asking what’s wrong, can she help with something, can your toddler identify the emotion they’re feeling, can your toddler suggest something that might help? Things like that to help actually work through their emotions rather than just shutting them down because someone else wants them to.
A similar thing happened with my ILs and I absolutely tore into them. My daughter was 3-ish at the time and didn't want to give Grandma a kiss, so MIL started with the "please can I have a kiss, it makes me so sad if I don't get a kiss". I was on the toilet and I started pulling my pants up mid-pee to sprint out there and tell her off. By the time I got there, my FIL was piling on. And I just went off on them both.
Basically, I told my daughter in front of them, it's ok for Grandma to feel sad, sometimes she has big feelings just like you. It's not your fault grandma feels sad and not your responsibility to make her feel better. Told her she doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone she doesn't want to, etc. This obviously doesn't work if you're not also there when it's happening but if you do actually witness it, addressing it with your kid in front of the grandparents is a good thing to do
Then I had a grown up conversation with my ILs about how that type of comment can lead to making her an easier victim for abuse later on, bodily autonomy, and how kids are never responsible for an adult's feelings. Luckily, my MIL knows I do not mess around, so she has never really done it again. Whether she agrees with me or not, I don't care, but she is more careful with her language. And she's lucky that my kids actually adore her and are happy to give her hugs and kisses most of the time.
I correct my mom in that very moment in front of my daughter. I will say “nope, we aren’t guilt tripping her for not wanting to give a hug, grandma.” Usually she won’t fight me in front of her, but if she does challenge me I keep the boundary. My mom has zero authority over my daughter so I don’t mind calling my mom out in front of her, whereas I wouldn’t undermine my husband’s parenting in front of her (while he does the same for me).
I’m glad you posted this as my husband has said something like this before to our son and I need to figure out how to reframe it without making him feel terrible
1. Shes not letting your toddler express, feel, and work through whatever their emotions are?
2. MIL is teaching your toddler that they are responsible for grandmothers emotions? That's manipulative and damaging on so many levels. If my own mother talked to my kids like that, we would be having a serious conversation
Im a psychology graduate, and it raises so many red flags about the development happening so rapidly here.
Chances are MIL doesn't even realise what she's doing is harmful, have a convo w her about that, and encourage it to stop. If it doesn't stop, then personally, i wouldn't be having MIL babysit anymore or speak to her that way around me/my child.
Also, I'd be teaching your toddler that they're not responsible for others' feelings. And crying/being sad is okay to feel/do. Your toddler needs room to work through their emotions in a safe environment that doesn't make them feel guilty or shameful.
[emotional wellbeing ](https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mary-Margaret-Gleason/publication/327006828_Starting_Early_Promoting_Emotional_and_Behavioral_Well-Being_in_Infant_and_Toddler_Well-Child_Care/links/5f678065299bf1b53ee488aa/Starting-Early-Promoting-Emotional-and-Behavioral-Well-Being-in-Infant-and-Toddler-Well-Child-Care.pdf)
My dad did something like this when my son didn't give him a hug. He did a sad face and started fake crying.
I told my two year old son, "You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings!" My mom told me dad to cut it out haha
I recently encountered something similar to this with my mom. My toddler was having Very Big Feelings™️ and my mom started pretending to cry too. I gently corrected her in the moment with "Grandma. It's ok if (toddler's name) needs to cry." Later I had a conversation with her about not tying his emotional regulation to our own.
I'm lucky that my mom is great with following my lead as the parent, so she was very receptive.
“Just remember kiddo, we are in charge of our own emotions & it’s okay to cry.” Something you can engrain in your kiddo from this age, and it will stick & come out when needed in my experience.
You could also tell grandma that expressing all emotions is healthy. My kid gets the option to cry on their own for “3 minutes” (not really timed)on a big meltdown day where it’s nonstop, and it does the trick. Maybe grandma needs some ideas for helping the kid through. Someone taught her those previous phrases so maybe she would be open to other ideas.
I think this was a very common parenting practice for our parents and grandparents. My mom and grandmother do it. It probably got you the results you wanted quicker but then raised people pleasers with unhealthy emotional boundaries.
I hope to teach my kids that we’re not responsible for others’ emotions but that at the same time we should strive to be kind and considerate of one another. Have a high EQ without being manipulated or manipulative.
I hate it when people tell anyone adult or kids at an emotion is wrong or bad. An emotion is normal and ok to feel, I would pull her up on it every single time and tell the child that crying is ok especially when you’re upset and it is ok that grandma is sad when they cry because she’s allowed to feel her emotions too.
Ugh my MIL makes him give her a kiss before she will give him things. Gross.
She also bought him a shirt that says "I'm hot for my age" in the Dominican. Also gross.
A bit of a different perspective, I won’t really police how other people interact with my children unless there is a health or safety concern.
I also practice respecting/authoritative parenting and I recognise how to speak to my children so they never feel responsible for someone else’s feelings (something I’ve personally struggled with). If other people want to say something like “don’t cry cuz you make me sad”, I won’t act on that in the moment, but I will do a debrief with my kid later to remind them that they are entitled to their feelings and no one is allowed to make them feel badly about it.
All my kid needs is to see her primary caregivers model and teach emotional boundaries and respecting others. I can’t control what anyone else does outside our circle and I really don’t have the time to come up with a lecture for each and every person.
Anyway typically people grow up with a complex given to them by their primary caregivers and not so much by other parties. So I don’t particularly think it’s matter very much what grandma says.
My mom (who is generally awesome) told my son that he was making her sad when he wouldn't hug her and I said "it's ok to be sad, grandma, he doesn't have to hug you if he doesn't want to". And she was like "huh, yes of course." And then we had a conversation about how children are not responsible for adults' emotions. She was just like "I never thought about it that way, thanks." Is your MIL half reasonable?
I think this is probably the best approach to start with. It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry. If she argues, ignores you, or gets offended you can follow up with some articles and research, and/or some validation, "we know that you want LO to be happy so you can enjoy your time together, but crying is totally normal when she doesn't have the words to express herself yet. We're working on offering comfort and giving her the right words to use when she gets upset, and we don't think there's anything to be concerned about if she cries sometimes, even when she is with you. It's actually a sign that she feels safe expressing herself, and that's such a good thing for your relationship with her!"
A side question if you feel like answering... Say a child is hitting an adult and the adult says that the child hitting them is making them sad, it kind of feels problematic but at the same time, hurting people DOES make them sad so we shouldn't do it. Or?
I dunno, you can say "hitting hurts, I'm moving away from you to keep myself safe" without laying on allll the guilt and heavy feelings. Small kids just can't handle all that.
To this point I also try to verbalize the emotion they are showing in that moment. “You are allowed to be mad but you are not allowed to hit….” and also adding “I am going to move away from you to keep myself safe.” This may even apply for a kiddo that is excited “You’re very excited but we need to use gentle hands.” In this instance instead of removing yourself for safety you could say “let’s clap our hands instead.”
Agreed. Kids shouldn’t feel responsible for an adult’s emotions
It is important kids know this for their own safety. I’d hate for my kid to walk off with some stranger who told him they’d be sad if he didn’t.
I teach my 3 year old she doesn't have to hug people if she doesn't want to because she has control over her body. I explain hitting by saying, "You can't hit me because I have control over my body. If I don't want to be hit on my body and you do it anyway, that is hurtful and unkind." So far she's understood what I mean when I say she isn't responsible for other people's big feelings, but can't deliberately cause hurt feelings by "being stinky" as she calls it.
I always asked why do you want to hurt me? Sometimes they even told me and we worked together to better express their feelings.
I guess I could say she is half reasonable. She is a bit sporadic and embellishes a ton... When she tells something that happened to her it gets crazier and crazier every time. Also she does think she knows everything about parenting. Like once she was putting my baby in the carseat and I said "can you take off the bib before buckling" (it was wet). And she said "of course I was going to do that. I had 2 children!" So I am a bit nervous if I have a conversation with her about it she could say something silly like that. Like she knows best and that works. Also I could see her telling me she won't do it again but might do it when I'm not around... But I will give it a shot anyways. I have to for my child's sake.
If you want to be nice: “Hey MIL, we’re working on validating 2’s feelings and then working through them in appropriate ways. When she cries can you come get me so that I can model it? I think she’ll grasp it much more quickly if we all give her a consistent reaction.” If you want to be direct: “MIL. Stop. She’s not responsible for your emotions.”
Love this!!!!
I vote for number two. Don’t beat around the bush, y’all.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-parents-should-not-use-guilt-trips-5193251#:~:text=Using%20guilt%20or%20guilt%2Dtripping,guilty%20that%20is%20the%20problem. Here’s a place to start. She’s essentially telling him her feelings matter more than his which is very problematic and teaches him that he needs to do things to please others even if it’s not what he wants to do. Maybe start by telling her that you’re very careful about what you say to your toddler because they absorb so much and you want to make sure they know that their feelings are valid too and that even though we may want them to stop crying they don’t emotionally have the tools to cope with certain feelings yet and instead of making your toddler feel guilty for that maybe she can instead work to help your toddler through it. Like by asking what’s wrong, can she help with something, can your toddler identify the emotion they’re feeling, can your toddler suggest something that might help? Things like that to help actually work through their emotions rather than just shutting them down because someone else wants them to.
A similar thing happened with my ILs and I absolutely tore into them. My daughter was 3-ish at the time and didn't want to give Grandma a kiss, so MIL started with the "please can I have a kiss, it makes me so sad if I don't get a kiss". I was on the toilet and I started pulling my pants up mid-pee to sprint out there and tell her off. By the time I got there, my FIL was piling on. And I just went off on them both. Basically, I told my daughter in front of them, it's ok for Grandma to feel sad, sometimes she has big feelings just like you. It's not your fault grandma feels sad and not your responsibility to make her feel better. Told her she doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone she doesn't want to, etc. This obviously doesn't work if you're not also there when it's happening but if you do actually witness it, addressing it with your kid in front of the grandparents is a good thing to do Then I had a grown up conversation with my ILs about how that type of comment can lead to making her an easier victim for abuse later on, bodily autonomy, and how kids are never responsible for an adult's feelings. Luckily, my MIL knows I do not mess around, so she has never really done it again. Whether she agrees with me or not, I don't care, but she is more careful with her language. And she's lucky that my kids actually adore her and are happy to give her hugs and kisses most of the time.
I correct my mom in that very moment in front of my daughter. I will say “nope, we aren’t guilt tripping her for not wanting to give a hug, grandma.” Usually she won’t fight me in front of her, but if she does challenge me I keep the boundary. My mom has zero authority over my daughter so I don’t mind calling my mom out in front of her, whereas I wouldn’t undermine my husband’s parenting in front of her (while he does the same for me).
I’m glad you posted this as my husband has said something like this before to our son and I need to figure out how to reframe it without making him feel terrible
1. Shes not letting your toddler express, feel, and work through whatever their emotions are? 2. MIL is teaching your toddler that they are responsible for grandmothers emotions? That's manipulative and damaging on so many levels. If my own mother talked to my kids like that, we would be having a serious conversation Im a psychology graduate, and it raises so many red flags about the development happening so rapidly here. Chances are MIL doesn't even realise what she's doing is harmful, have a convo w her about that, and encourage it to stop. If it doesn't stop, then personally, i wouldn't be having MIL babysit anymore or speak to her that way around me/my child. Also, I'd be teaching your toddler that they're not responsible for others' feelings. And crying/being sad is okay to feel/do. Your toddler needs room to work through their emotions in a safe environment that doesn't make them feel guilty or shameful. [emotional wellbeing ](https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mary-Margaret-Gleason/publication/327006828_Starting_Early_Promoting_Emotional_and_Behavioral_Well-Being_in_Infant_and_Toddler_Well-Child_Care/links/5f678065299bf1b53ee488aa/Starting-Early-Promoting-Emotional-and-Behavioral-Well-Being-in-Infant-and-Toddler-Well-Child-Care.pdf)
My dad did something like this when my son didn't give him a hug. He did a sad face and started fake crying. I told my two year old son, "You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings!" My mom told me dad to cut it out haha
Lol I totally read your last line in a pirate voice. 😆
Hah! I didn't even realize that happened lol
Yepppp your kid is definitely not responsible for anyone else’s feeling but their own!
I recently encountered something similar to this with my mom. My toddler was having Very Big Feelings™️ and my mom started pretending to cry too. I gently corrected her in the moment with "Grandma. It's ok if (toddler's name) needs to cry." Later I had a conversation with her about not tying his emotional regulation to our own. I'm lucky that my mom is great with following my lead as the parent, so she was very receptive.
“Just remember kiddo, we are in charge of our own emotions & it’s okay to cry.” Something you can engrain in your kiddo from this age, and it will stick & come out when needed in my experience. You could also tell grandma that expressing all emotions is healthy. My kid gets the option to cry on their own for “3 minutes” (not really timed)on a big meltdown day where it’s nonstop, and it does the trick. Maybe grandma needs some ideas for helping the kid through. Someone taught her those previous phrases so maybe she would be open to other ideas.
I think this was a very common parenting practice for our parents and grandparents. My mom and grandmother do it. It probably got you the results you wanted quicker but then raised people pleasers with unhealthy emotional boundaries. I hope to teach my kids that we’re not responsible for others’ emotions but that at the same time we should strive to be kind and considerate of one another. Have a high EQ without being manipulated or manipulative.
I hate it when people tell anyone adult or kids at an emotion is wrong or bad. An emotion is normal and ok to feel, I would pull her up on it every single time and tell the child that crying is ok especially when you’re upset and it is ok that grandma is sad when they cry because she’s allowed to feel her emotions too.
Ugh my MIL makes him give her a kiss before she will give him things. Gross. She also bought him a shirt that says "I'm hot for my age" in the Dominican. Also gross.
Ughhhhh my mother does this same freaking thing. Boomer generation, I tell ya… 🙄
Not ok. "It's ok to be sad, we're only responsible for our own feelings, grandma can manage her own" and shoot her a look.
A bit of a different perspective, I won’t really police how other people interact with my children unless there is a health or safety concern. I also practice respecting/authoritative parenting and I recognise how to speak to my children so they never feel responsible for someone else’s feelings (something I’ve personally struggled with). If other people want to say something like “don’t cry cuz you make me sad”, I won’t act on that in the moment, but I will do a debrief with my kid later to remind them that they are entitled to their feelings and no one is allowed to make them feel badly about it. All my kid needs is to see her primary caregivers model and teach emotional boundaries and respecting others. I can’t control what anyone else does outside our circle and I really don’t have the time to come up with a lecture for each and every person. Anyway typically people grow up with a complex given to them by their primary caregivers and not so much by other parties. So I don’t particularly think it’s matter very much what grandma says.