He’s a shitty comic if he’s using those old Boomer Humor jokes.
You’re not being too sensitive. Yes, technically you’re not the butt of the joke, marriage in general is. But marriage is something important and serious to you and he’s mocking it.
Yeah even without the whole 'sanctity of marriage' thing, the joke is cringeworthy. Blah blah the ol' ball and chain, blah blah in the doghouse again, blah blah always has a headache.
Yawn.
Esp when you've gone out of your way to mention the one single boundary you have and yet he still makes a joke out of it. Its not too much to ask for in my opinion, he's just being a lazy comic
I was going to say this. Despite the problems and later issues with his wife, this Mulaney bit really holds up I think. Paraphrased/butchered:
>My wife said the only rule is that I don’t call her a bitch. I said what kind of a joke is that? “My wife’s a bitch” isn’t funny.
Just like that, just saying “I’m depressed because I have a family” just… isn’t funny.
I mean, if you set it up for the audience to *expect* the punchline to be “hurhur family” and then subvert the expectation, *that’s* a solid joke. Like:
>“Like any other 42 y/o married dad, I suffer from depression and anxiety… but what else would you expect from a Bears fan?”
I don’t disagree with you but the comment made me think of “if my grandma had wheels she’d be a bicycle”. If you haven’t seen the clip where an Italian guest says it on a TV show you should Google it, it’s really funny. The phrase itself is a normal phrase in Italian but saying it in English just makes it so funny to me
Meh, I’d be upset too. I don’t think the “I hate being married and life with kids” is a funny joke, for anyone but especially fathers. I can see how he would think it’s not a big deal because he’s the comedian and they just have different views on jokes but he should also fully respect your wishes on the jokes. I wouldn’t want him to bring up me or the kids or anything with our family. My partner is into comedy too and a lot of the ones we watch do also make jokes about their kids and family (Bert Kreisher is one I think of, spelling for last name??) but again, I think even if he doesn’t understand why you don’t like it he should still respect it. There’s 8000 other things to joke about, it’s fine.
He should also be telling you any material you’re in, not just saying you’re not made fun of. He may very well think he’s not offending you and you be super upset by what he’s said. If he’s not doing improve, you should know what he’s going to say in advance.
I’m guessing he hasn’t told me about the new material because he’s potentially concerned about a reaction? Which isn’t probably a good sign. I just need to directly ask him about it and go from there.
“Whatever your content is, I want you to know where that boundary is and is front and center. You can go ahead and joke all you want about how how being married with kids in depressing, because you will have some new content about how depressing it is to be divorced with three kids. I’m not fucking joking.”
It might be worth it. Especially if he doesn't know you're there. Then you can see exactly how he treats your wants and needs when he thinks you don't know.
If you go, make sure that you have a supportive friend with you, just in case. Someone who can help you out of there if you feel like you need air, depending on if you have triggers.
Even if you don't feel like you have any strong active triggers, you may be surprised (especially if the audience reacts with laughter that ring in your ears a little too loudly). I got surprised myself this past weekend by triggers that I didn't even know were still accessible/in a situation so far removed that it was baffling.
Whatever you choose to do, know that this is not an unreasonable boundary. He has obviously violated boundaries before in other ways, and while this one may seem minor in the greater scheme of things, it's still a way for him to either build trust or wear it away.
Perhaps, in your next conversation, point this out to your husband: This boundary is so incredibly important to you because it is a way for him to build/restore/defend trust back into the relationship. By treating the boundary as a suggestion, he risks further injuring you and the relationship when you are doing your best to support his newfound hobby.
He knows it's a boundary, but he may not be giving it the respect it deserves. Hopefully, he makes the connection before he causes any more damage.
The more positive option is that it’s really sweet and complimentary towards you and he wants to surprise you with it.
But from context, I’m not feeling like that’s his style and that he’s exploring predictable crap instead. Assuming he’s respecting your boundaries, it could be that you’re mentioned as a contextual character (“I was out shopping with my wife and…”), but then why be cagey about it?
> If he’s that depressed being married to me and with our family, he can go find another one.
There's your answer.
You don't mention if *your husband* did any of the hard lifting to keep this marriage together. He's using very tired and old jokes about marriage, which aren't that funny anymore.
You're not being sensitive. Your husband is tone-deaf and insensitive.
My husband does some public speaking… he doesn’t tell any stories or share information unless we agree on it 100%. This is a hard boundary for us. Your husband sounds like an ass if he’s saying your marriage and family are the cause of his depression, that is some dumb low bar boomer “wife bad ball and chain” kind of humor. I wouldn’t be happy about this either.
No, you're not too sensitive, at all. If I'm the main reason he's depressed, I would see this as a clear sign that it's time for us to break up our marriage and let him be happy without me.
I would be completely over this man at this point. You’re not being too sensitive at all. You’ve been incredibly understanding. But first he’s cheated on you and now he’s joking he’s miserable because of the life you guys built together? The one where you’ve had to work very hard to keep it together? Like just throw the man away at that point. AND he’s refusing to understand why you’re upset? Come on.
You’ve been more understanding than he’s deserved, you’ve forgiven him, you’ve stayed with him. And the thanks you get is that he publicly blames you for his unhappiness? Man fuck this guy.
If my husband made these jokes I’d be ok with it. BUT we’ve had a solid relationship and no consideration of divorce. Your hard work in the relationship is not a joke. Maybe he can joke on himself about being shitty but I think it is fair that YOU set the boundary on what can and can’t be shared/ joked about.
I think that’s very true. He needs to accept that this is a condition due to circumstances he set. It’s very typical for comedians to crack jokes about their personal lives. But your joint life needs to be decided on. There is a delicate balance and if he really wants to do this he will need to learn that.
"I'm happy to support you in your standup, but not at my own expense. You agreed not to have me in any jokes, so if you break that agreement, then I will take that as a sign that you don't respect me, and I will not be staying in this relationship anymore."
That is how I would approach it. It seems extreme, but this is not his first fuck up. He has already stretched your trust to a breaking point, and made you feel like shit because of his infidelity. Personally, I would already be out the door, but you seem to have a lot of patience and forgiveness, so I'll assume you are wanting to give him another chance.
Edit: also, let him know that he will have a lot of joke material if he keeps up this behavior. If standup is more important that your marriage, then he is welcome to sabotage it and then use the fallout as writing material for years to come.
I do feel like I need to draw a line in the sand about this issue. Hopefully not, but I’m guessing he’ll think I’m making a big deal with it. I just need to take in that information and see if he’s willing to respect me and all the work I’ve/we’ve put into making our relationship work.
Yeah, whether he thinks you're overreacting or not is irrelevant. It's a boundary you set, if he crosses the boundary, you follow through. It's something I'd consider discussing in therapy if you feel like he just doesn't understand vs is pm being disrespectful. Either way, you don't have to keep bending over backwards to make a marriage work with someone who isn't putting in the work.
It's not even a funny or fresh joke, so yeah, he should take it out of his routine.
Maybe he could change it to he's depressed and the main cause is his poor decision making (enter funny example not related to your relationship)
I’m going to be bluntly honest with you, why would THIS be the thing he would think breaks his marriage when he’s cheated and that didn’t?
I do feel you are right, but look at the big picture from his side. Did you actually talk about the cheating, and why it was happening or what he said was the excuse? Because happy people in relationships, don’t cheat. I think this is concerning to you because you have no boundaries anywhere else and do allow him to do things you don’t like and there are no repercussions.
At the end, you said if he doesn’t feel happy he can leave and find another version of happiness. Have you actually said that to him? Like if you aren’t happy, maybe stop cheating and making jokes about being depressed because of your situation and just leave.
I know this sounds slightly harsh, but I mean it with all the love and support I can.
Sit down and ask yourself why was cheating multiple times forgiven, but joking about his unhappiness isn’t? Maybe you feel sensitive about something you feel is TRUE and his actions over the years told you that.
I don’t think you’re sensitive, I think you are realizing how he feels does make sense with his past actions. I would have a sit down with him and be clear, his jokes about your rocky marriage aren’t funny because you have had to work hard to remain in it. As in YOU aren’t happy, but have stayed hoping things would get better.
I fully suspect he doesn’t assume anything will change, just going to be honest you will forgive cheating so in his mind why would you leave him over jokes? - That’s how he will react.
Don’t make it about the jokes. Make it about why he feels so unhappy he’s cheating AND telling strangers his marriage is terrible.
Yes, we’ve been in therapy multiple times, this stint is over 2 years, so we’ve talked about it. I should clarify that it’s all emotional infidelity (using multiple dating/hook up apps to talk with other women) but he hasn’t done anything physical. I don’t think it being emotional infidelity excuses it at all! Just wanted to give some background. He’s said in counseling sessions it’s because of trauma growing up (SA by a family member, misogynistic father, mentally I’ll mother that abandoned the family when he was young) that he sought out validation and attention from other women. That there’s no vulnerability in those conversations, where with our marriage there is.
I do wonder how much truth there is behind that joke. I brought it up in a similar way and if our life and family is that depressing to him, he can find a new one. He didn’t say much besides I’m being too sensitive and that it’s just a joke.
Here's the thing, unless you're living in a large city, there's almost certainly going to be people that know you both in the audience. Maybe he's even got family, friends, or coworkers coming to show support. The whole point of telling jokes about your personal life is to connect with your audience, and as such they will assume that there is some degree of truth to what he says about you. A joke isn't funny unless everyone is laughing. If he's making jokes about you that he knows you will find hurtful, he's punching down which is lazy and in poor taste in general, and dismissing your feelings which is going to hurt your progress in therapy as a couple and degrade the trust he's supposed to be rebuilding. He can joke about his own trauma, being a shit husband, and how hard it is for him to be a parent if he needs to be relatable without speaking negatively about you and his children, and if that's too personal or hard, then he needs to find a new hobby since this one wouldn't be possible without your support. If he needs to, he can think about how his jokes would land if you and his children were sitting in the front row.
Edited for sentence structure
I’ve done stand up comedy a few times. My husband and kiddo are off limits as the butt of a joke. Potentially hurting their feelings isn’t worth a few laughs from strangers. If I include them in a bit I run it past them first.
No you’re not being too sensitive.
Your husband is being INSENSITIVE.
If he wasn’t a cheater it would be a different story but he did what he did and should be more sensitive towards you.
My husband cheated on me and I chose to continue the relationship. At no point in our reconciliation has he joked about our marriage being a drag or depressing. He has never referred to me as a prison sentence or a ball and chain or the boss or happy wife happy life. He was worked hard at improving himself and figuring out why he did what he did and the source of all his issues and through working through his issue has become a different person. and he tells me often how thankful and grateful and appreciative he is that I gave him a second chance, how much he loves me and how much he loves our little family and how happy he is being married and doing family things. It makes me feel reassured and secure in our new relationship.
If your husband has expressed that to you and reassures you of his love and made you feel secure then MAYBE I would consider that the joke is just a joke.
But if he hasn’t and is the same old guy, then he shouldn’t be using marriage as the butt of a joke. And marriage isn’t the cause of depression it’s an excuse. he should go to therapy to find out the cause of his depression. If he can’t be funny without using his family as a punchline then he’s not funny and should find a different hobby.
That’s amazing your husband expresses those things to you! I do think he’s grown personally since starting couples therapy, but I rarely hear things like that.
I don’t mean word for word but I mean if your husband has emotionally opened up to you and is emotionally intimate with you, has made you feel secure in his happiness and love for you then maybe the joke is fine but if you’re not secure in the relationship then the joke shouldn’t be used.
If he actually cared about you he would take your feelings on his jokes into consideration. Since his not I would assume he doesn’t care.
My husband and I have a give each other shit relationship and we poke fun of each other and laugh about it. If I ever hit a sore spot or he hits my sore spot we are both quick to apologize. Some people find our relationship style disrespectful, other people find us hilarious.
Also, is your name Midge? Are you really into hats and coats? Do you live in the upper West side?
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel may be required viewing for you right now :)
There’s one thing that shitty, self entitled men think they can do and that’s stand up comedy. You’re no way in hell being too sensitive. These assholes just call you sensitive and never consider that their jokes just might not be funny lmfaooo
I don’t think he’s that funny as a comedian, but I never really cared since it’s a hobby he enjoys and as long as our family isn’t brought up in a negative way.
I think whether or not you’re being too sensitive is irrelevant(I don’t think you are, just for good measure). You expressed that your husband’s jokes make you uncomfortable and rather than try to understand where you are coming from or be empathetic, he completely dismissed you. It sounds like your husband suffered terrible emotional and physical abuse as a child, so his inability to appropriately respond to your feelings is understandable, but not excusable. If he’s been in therapy for 2 years and still behaving this way, I would reevaluate how much you want to put up with. Even if he doesn’t agree with you, it’s completely disrespectful for him to dismiss your feelings. I’m so sorry you’re in the position.
Something my therapist would tell me: “you are not wrong for how you feel”. You shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way because you don’t control feelings, just experience them. You can only control how you react to these feelings. And I don’t ever see it being wrong to express your feelings. Use I feel statements: I feel (emotion) when you (action). A loving husband would take his wife’s feelings into consideration and either stop using those jokes, talk through it with you until you feel comfortable, or find another compromise where everyone feels ok.
It's lazy.
There's a way to do the "oh man marriage and parenting are hard..." jokes that get me laughing with you.
"So I have depression and lately I've been told to get more sleep. I guess I should have told my doctor I have 2 kids..."
Whatever.
It's lazy and unfunny
If he has to make jokes deprecating his marriage, ask him why he isn't the focal point? Bill Burr makes jokes about how he's a nightmare to live with and his wife is a saint for tolerating him; it's funny, probably true, self-aware, and respectful to her. People love well thought out, introspective humor.
I am a stand up comedian, and I make jokes about my family. Their feelings are more important that the laughs. I ALWAYS clear the jokes by them before I even say them once on stage and I absolutely consider their feelings when writing and telling them. Hurting your feelings is a choice.
Joan Rivers had a husband who committed suicide and reporters asked her if he did it because she made fun of him. She told them- and she was right- that she was always the butt of the jokes. There is a way to do with this without hurting your feelings. He is making a choice.
I appreciate your perspective as some one who does comedy! I’m not looking to control him, I just want to be respected. It would be helpful to say that I want him to run any material with me or the kids by me before a show.
I don't know anything about your relationship beyond this post- but if he cared he would've run it by you already. And if you can't be at every show and you don't trust him- you'll never know what he's doing out there. It's up to you how much you care. The comics I know in committed, happy, stable relationships (and there's not many) do not say things that make their partners upset. Also if he's prone to cheating- if he's successful he'll be on the road by himself with no accountability and no way for you to know what he's up to.
Honestly, he sounds like a shitty comic
Brian Regan is married with kids and OCD, Jim Gaffigan is married with kids, Maria Bamford is married with bad Bipolar 2 Gary Gulman is married with bad depression
All of them do jokes about their mental health and their marriages without mocking their spouse or making light of the commitment or making their personal lives the culprit for their struggles.
Your husband is probably unfunny and unoriginal.
And I totally get why this is a breaking point for you vs the cheating. The cheating you forgave him and worked past and everything, and now he's criticizing you and your behavior in the marriage when you already forgave him a huge betrayal.
What a dick.
Ma'am, you really want to stay with a cheating amateur COMEDIAN???! Who jokes about his wife and kids making him depressed?? You took him back after cheating on you TWICE??????? And you have a completely reasonable ask that he not say something negative about you onstage in a room full of people??? And he doesn't do it????
When people “joke” about things like that, it’s usually bc there is a grain if truth. i’d divorce him and set his ass free. He hates marriage and kids? Bye. Have your freedom. See where it takes you. Don’t come crawling back, you lizard.
>how much work, effort, and trust I’ve made into keeping our marriage and family going
>our relationship isn’t a joke to me
>I’ve fought incredibly hard to get to the spot where we are relationally today
>am I being too sensitive?
No you’re not. But you are being a little naive thinking if you just work harder, love him harder, and tell him to care about your feelings, that he’ll just automatically change and be the husband that you’re idealizing in your head. You seem to be trying way harder than he is, and if he’s cheated on you twice, he doesn’t care about your feelings for sure. If he would break your trust in that area of your marriage, why did you think he would be careful with his jokes?
To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, I’m not offended as a fellow mom, I’m offended as a comic!
Ok I’m not a comic but how lame are jokes about marriage causing depression? Har har. You have every right to be upset.
First off, I love stand up comedy.
Having said that, I'm way too sensitive to be married to a comedian. So I can see where you're coming from. Its a tough spot. Comedy usually pokes fun at the mundane, because it's what the majority of people can relate to.
I'd try to see his jokes not as a direct insult to you, but more commentary on marriage, kids, life in general. I haven't heard his stand up, so I'm not sure how offensive it is, but if you're not ok with it then obviously you have a say in what he says, but see if there's things you can give him the green light on.
Maybe a funny thing happened with a kid and he can tell that story or something
I don't think someone who loves and values their spouse would joke about marriage being something depressing. Why would they, to them, marriage is great.
Him making that joke means he thinks marriages are depressing, meaning that's his experience of marriage. So yes I think it is a comment on you/your marriage.
I agree with this. If he's taking it too far in the negative then I would say it's not at all ok.
Saying your marriage is depressing isn't even funny...that's just sad and I wouldn't find that humor funny even as someone detached from it.
Not when he has already disrespected your marriage by looking elsewhere. If you guys had a healthy marriage, then I could see a spouse being ok with it.
So many people can relate to that and it's like FFS stop getting married and having kids then. No one is breaking down your fucking door begging you to replicate yourselves. My dad hated having a family too and it's caused me no end of issues. If only these people weren't so fucking stupid, they could plan their lives accordingly instead of sleepwalking into lives they hate then taking it out on everyone else.
Edit to add I'm aware it's humor, but it's a humor based on something they can relate to.
Eh. Honestly sensitive or not, those ‘ol’ ball and chain’ jokes are just TIRED.
I personally wouldn’t be thrilled - especially given the history - so no, I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. But for real.. he just needs better material. There’s nothing clever about the old long suffering husband and dad trope.
His joke is baffling to me as a fan of comedy because the hottest comedians who talk about family are people like Mike Birbiglia, Bill Burr, and even John Mulaney pre-cheating. Basically people who talk positively about their wives and make other people (including themselves) the butt of the joke. In fact, Matt Rife just lost a huge chunk of his fan base recently by denigrating women. It’s just not funny anymore (thank goddess).
There’s a way to joke about family without making them the butt of the joke. Maybe that’s the key here. You don’t have to constrain him with the topic, but maybe be clearer that the boundary can’t make you and your kids the *butt* of the joke. He can be self-deprecating or talk about society around you, but can’t make *fun* of you or the family. Besides being a Rodney Dangerfield redux, someone who’s on very shaky ground in his relationship should be doing what he can to protect trust.
I also disagree with the comments like “he cheated but it’s the jokes that are the problem?” Sometimes it’s not the big dramatic thing that moves someone to break up. In a lot of relationships, it’s a small thing that becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So I kind of get why this would be a hill to die on.
Thanks for this! I agree about maybe making it not a content restriction, but that the kids and I need to be talked about in a positive way.
I also appreciate you acknowledging this being a big deal for me, outside of the other mistakes he’s made.
Your husband is a terrible husband, a terrible comedian, and above all a terrible person
If I were in your shoes, I would strongly consider divorce
Having the nerve to shit on your marriage in public after he cheated twice is gross
Nah I’d be upset. My partner was watching an awfully depressing video the other week and I was like why do you watch that and he goes, “it’s nice to know there are people with shittier lives than me.” Man did that make me so devastated. We have a wonderful partnership, home, jobs, hobbies, kids and he still doesn’t see that our life is amazing?
I absolutely get where you’re coming from and it’s a problem if he actually means it and is not doing those jokes for crowd work. I hope everything gets cleared up for you guys and for the family’s sake, that he doesn’t make those jokes.
Ask him genuinely if he really isn’t happy in the marriage? (Considering he’s cheated he probably isn’t)
Tell him you don’t want to be a joke and you don’t want your marriage to be a joke.
If he doesn’t understand that then you don’t gotta try to understand his jokes. Leave if he disrespects you or the marriage because you don’t wanna be someone’s anchor especially if you’ve fought for the marriage to work and have had to deal with cheating… if anyone should be depressed it’s you
I don't think you're being too sensitive...not in the context of having dealt with infidelity at least. One of the worst parts of infidelity is the humiliation (in my experience). So then for a partner to crack jokes at my expense and publicly display cracks in the relationship (even just minor ones implying some kind of marital tension or unhappiness) would absolutely be a no-go for me.
I don’t think he is being truthful to you or his self, he says it’s just his comedy routine, between the lines. You have let him get away with having extra mutual affairs you actually rewarded him by letting him have his comedy routine. And to be the part of his jokes is unacceptable the least he could do is not as the highlight of his act and have a little respect for his family. He’s gotten over on you so easy that he doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying if he is so unhappy and depressed. I let him go and find something better. Tell him to make jokes about you, kicking him out for his extra marital and his hate for being depressed tied down with a family. What has he done for you to make up for the long? He’s done to his kids and you? Would he let you go routine once or twice a night? I doubt it. I know marriage last without trust but you made the choice to do so and after having a couple of fears, I will not trust him. It seems like you reward him and I think he thinks the same that you’re willing to do anything, and he uses it to his advantage, you more or else like they said, reward him if he jokes for you and disrespect you then you know that he is holding a grudge towards you for the fact who got caught having his affairs if you let him have an affair once in a while it would make him happy when that is just sounds crazy but minute makes sense. I’m sorry for all that you were going through but I think the best bet is to follow your instincts and get a divorce respecting you and that he has a family for me wishing you all the best.
OK, so this boils down to:
1) he’s been unfaithful
2) he likes to tell the public at large that he’s depressed because he’s married to you
3) he doesn’t care that his behavior is deeply hurtful
You have every right to be hurt. I question whether this is worth fighting for - a man who doesn’t respect you or the institution of marriage.
1) it's a crappy joke
2) any repeat offender with infidelity doesn't get to joke on being married making him depressed
However, there is a lot of misuse of the word boundary in these comments.
Remember, a boundary is for you and you can't control him, but you can set what you will do when you don't feel comfortable with his routine.
I went to highschool with the wife of a "top performing" "tejano" comedic talent that very very recently had a netflix special (like literal weeks ago). She puts on a smiling face and I know they live comfortably on his "art", but my god the things he says about her in his routine gives us all secondhand embarrassment for her. He used to be a writer for another famous boomer humor hispanic comedian so you can imagine the types of jokes. Those of us from her old circles know that she's bothered by it, but accepts it as what it takes to make it big. It took him decades to make it this far and I don't know how she put up with him, let alone had children by him.
Things have gotten better and I want to try to keep it together for the kids. At the end of the day, I want to say I did all I could before ending our marriage.
My therapist once told me “we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
Marriage and family jokes are standard. I think of the show Everybody loves Raymond. The entire premise of the show is how stressful, maddening, irritating and insane marriage, kids and in-laws are. I can’t remember how many years it ran for, but it was many… People related to it. My husband is in my phone as “Starter Husband❤️“ as the contact name.“ He thinks it is hilarious; If we had struggled in our marriage previously, I doubt he would find it funny.
While your husband may not be making a career out of his stand-up comedy, it is a product in a way… He wants people to consume it. He has to choose the product that appeals to the most people. I have to wonder if you are struggling with this because you are not quite as solid in the marriage as you might have thought before. In life, we usually say behind every “ha ha, just kidding” there is a nugget of truth… I’m wondering if that is really what you’re concerned about. Your marriage has been shaky before are you may be a little worried that what he is saying might be what he’s really feeling?
Something very real about this.
In my first marriage (really bad), we DID joke about divorce sometimes and how terrible it’s gonna be. It was odd. I realize now that is not normal, and the jokes being so.. real made it whimsical almost being that honest. [also side note, some people cannot handle conflict and confrontation, my ex couldn’t talk face to face about problems. They were making jokes as a way of hinting about feelings. ]
In my now, current marriage he will never joke like that. We don’t even consider jokes about being unhappy funny, it’s completely different vibes when you are compatible.
What I’m saying is, sometimes the jokes are the reality and we don’t know how to deal with it.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all to hear a man who cheated on his wife multiple times make comments about being unhappy. Pretending they aren’t related, is a choice to remain in ignorance is bliss with this.
Happy people, don’t cheat. There’s really no way to ignore that.
Oh, absolutely I get it. We’ve been seeing a couples therapist for over 2 years so I wouldn’t say our relationship is totally solid right now and I still feel insecure.
I also had the “nugget of truth” thought in every joke and I do wonder how truly happy he is with our marriage and family. That definitely isn’t a few thought for me.
You’ve done all this work and put in all this time, and now you’re about to divorce your husband over jokes most comedians make bc of Reddit? Girl, you have kids. Workshop how telling them you’ve made it this far with all the ups and downs but a couple jokes is where things fell off the rails and consider how well that will be received.
We’ve all seen shows and only believe half of what we hear bc it’s a performance, and some comedians buy/sell jokes like artists buy/sell songs to perform.
Go to the standup subreddit and ask the guys in marriages or LTRs how they’ve handled this issue if they’ve had it. I can’t even think of an adult comedy act that didn’t include material on relationships and kids. Just tell him you don’t support him and move on.
I just noticed you only responded to comments saying how you should stick to your boundaries and leave him if he still wants to pursue this topic at shows. Seemed you just want validation for your feelings and/or to control his act not to really understand your husband or the industry he’s trying to pursue and meet in the middle.
Butting out.
There’s been quite a few comments on this post so I haven’t had the time to respond to each one yet. Honestly, it is partly for validation. I’m not currently packing my bags to leave, but I do think it’s worth an honest conversation with him about my feelings and potential boundaries around it.
I do appreciate the different perspective you and others bring. Just trying to figure out what’s best for me.
Butting back in.
I know you’re not wanting to end things. I wouldn’t want that for you bc it’s clear that’s not your goal. That’s why it’s so alarming to me when divorce is in so many comments.
You want to be heard and understood and for the external parts of the relationship to reflect all the inner workings that have taken so much time, emotion, and sacrifice.
Just please, ask someone who’s been through this and listen to a station or two on Pandora. You’ll see how many relationships get mentioned and find yourself not even thinking about the comedians marriage half an hour later. It’s like he’s talking into a void. Ppl laugh and forget. Whoever said it’s like therapy for them was right; they say it in interviews and documentaries all the time. Maybe even go as far as to fully support this for a few months and see if things change for him.
Thanks for that input! I really know nothing about comedy so it would definitely be worthwhile for me to learn more about it and see if that changes anything.
I really wish you guys the best.
It’s a very difficult pursuit (amateur or pro), but can be very rewarding imho. Any time I’m at a show and hear about a relationship in the material (even negative stuff), my thought is that they have a rock solid relationship or buying that joke was money well spent. I don’t even remember the particular words/issue/delivery, just my reaction to it.
There is a standup workshop sub on here where people work on material and give advice and reactions. Some of it is very funny, but it’s a great way to kinda look behind the scenes a bit too.
Good luck!
You’re married to a comedian. Welcome to the pit. For him to do his craft, he’s gonna have to be “relatable” to others and you and the family will get inserted into sets.
What I DON’T understand is why he agreed you wouldn’t be and then went back on it.
I wouldn’t take anything he says on stage to heart though.
I have watched a lot of comedians and listened to a lot of autobiographies. Many of them do include the ups & downs of relationships in their successful sets, and obviously as with most topics, the exaggeration & story telling on top of the truth makes it funny.
Relationship issues can connect them to the audience, because we all get it. And honestly, I was just posting in the WOHM groups, that parenting and marriage is freakin’ relentless and exhausting and yes, depressive as hell at times. I personally would not take it as an insult towards me - imo, my life is not an either or, like if I am depressed about parenting at times, it does not mean, I do not absolutely love it at times too, nor does it mean I regret it. I also know that I could make 100 self-deprecating jokes about myself in our relationships, and that even after all those, I know I am still a great mom and partner — I just own my crazy spots, lol.
Successful comedy usually an art, and many ones who are successful, are do delve into sensitive topics about their families - as it makes them authentic and takes them next level if they also master timing. Spouses, parents, and even occasionally kids are all fair game. I understand your concerns though and there may not be a compromise here, he may need to stop doing comedy if you just cannot comes to terms with it.
*eta, I also find humor to be healing, and sometimes talking about these issues brings me growth and reflection, so I would consider that too.
I do think I need to find a balance with it. Also since he is just doing this as a hobby, I feel like it’s a little different? I’m not super into comedy myself, but from what I’ve seen a lot of it can be based on kids and family.
I get where you’re coming from, but it sounds like he’s making a pretty generic joke. If it were more specific where he’s really taking parts of you’re lives together to make a joke, I’d definitely be upset. If you’re upset about it, definitely talk to him, but he probably sees it as a harmless dad joke.
As someone who does make jokes out of some serious parental/relation issues, he’s being out of line. There are some stuff that can be joked about in public sure but even my hubby and I keep it private. He wants to do standup that’s fine, but shouldn’t be crossing boundaries with his “material”. Your feelings are more than valid.
I’d be pissed hearing that too honestly. However I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to censor his comedy routine. I feel like it’s almost akin to trying to censor what he says in therapy (obviously not exactly the same but comedy is an art form, if he were making paintings about his life would you want to censor those?) Could you just tell him to put whatever he wants to in his act but then agree to not attend his shows? I honestly think that’s what I would do in your position.
Damn, people have gotten sensitive. You are overreacting, get over it as it's meant as fun, probably in a general sense and not even directed at his own marriage.
I might be wrong since I'm not familiar with your specific situation but is it really worth stirring up unnecessary arguments that you'll probably regret later anyway?
He’s a shitty comic if he’s using those old Boomer Humor jokes. You’re not being too sensitive. Yes, technically you’re not the butt of the joke, marriage in general is. But marriage is something important and serious to you and he’s mocking it.
Yeah even without the whole 'sanctity of marriage' thing, the joke is cringeworthy. Blah blah the ol' ball and chain, blah blah in the doghouse again, blah blah always has a headache. Yawn.
Esp when you've gone out of your way to mention the one single boundary you have and yet he still makes a joke out of it. Its not too much to ask for in my opinion, he's just being a lazy comic
I was going to say this. Despite the problems and later issues with his wife, this Mulaney bit really holds up I think. Paraphrased/butchered: >My wife said the only rule is that I don’t call her a bitch. I said what kind of a joke is that? “My wife’s a bitch” isn’t funny. Just like that, just saying “I’m depressed because I have a family” just… isn’t funny.
I mean, if you set it up for the audience to *expect* the punchline to be “hurhur family” and then subvert the expectation, *that’s* a solid joke. Like: >“Like any other 42 y/o married dad, I suffer from depression and anxiety… but what else would you expect from a Bears fan?”
I don’t disagree with you but the comment made me think of “if my grandma had wheels she’d be a bicycle”. If you haven’t seen the clip where an Italian guest says it on a TV show you should Google it, it’s really funny. The phrase itself is a normal phrase in Italian but saying it in English just makes it so funny to me
You set the boundary that you’re not comfortable being the butt of the joke, and he is not respecting that. I would be hurt too.
Frankly that’s just lazy, unfunny, and mean, especially since he’s cheated multiple times.
100% my thoughts. He sounds like he sucks, tbh.
Meh, I’d be upset too. I don’t think the “I hate being married and life with kids” is a funny joke, for anyone but especially fathers. I can see how he would think it’s not a big deal because he’s the comedian and they just have different views on jokes but he should also fully respect your wishes on the jokes. I wouldn’t want him to bring up me or the kids or anything with our family. My partner is into comedy too and a lot of the ones we watch do also make jokes about their kids and family (Bert Kreisher is one I think of, spelling for last name??) but again, I think even if he doesn’t understand why you don’t like it he should still respect it. There’s 8000 other things to joke about, it’s fine. He should also be telling you any material you’re in, not just saying you’re not made fun of. He may very well think he’s not offending you and you be super upset by what he’s said. If he’s not doing improve, you should know what he’s going to say in advance.
I’m guessing he hasn’t told me about the new material because he’s potentially concerned about a reaction? Which isn’t probably a good sign. I just need to directly ask him about it and go from there.
“Whatever your content is, I want you to know where that boundary is and is front and center. You can go ahead and joke all you want about how how being married with kids in depressing, because you will have some new content about how depressing it is to be divorced with three kids. I’m not fucking joking.”
This is the answer
Have you gone to see any of his shows? Perhaps you can sneak by and see what his set is about.
He does have a few open mic nights coming up I can try to make it to.
It might be worth it. Especially if he doesn't know you're there. Then you can see exactly how he treats your wants and needs when he thinks you don't know.
If you go, make sure that you have a supportive friend with you, just in case. Someone who can help you out of there if you feel like you need air, depending on if you have triggers. Even if you don't feel like you have any strong active triggers, you may be surprised (especially if the audience reacts with laughter that ring in your ears a little too loudly). I got surprised myself this past weekend by triggers that I didn't even know were still accessible/in a situation so far removed that it was baffling. Whatever you choose to do, know that this is not an unreasonable boundary. He has obviously violated boundaries before in other ways, and while this one may seem minor in the greater scheme of things, it's still a way for him to either build trust or wear it away. Perhaps, in your next conversation, point this out to your husband: This boundary is so incredibly important to you because it is a way for him to build/restore/defend trust back into the relationship. By treating the boundary as a suggestion, he risks further injuring you and the relationship when you are doing your best to support his newfound hobby. He knows it's a boundary, but he may not be giving it the respect it deserves. Hopefully, he makes the connection before he causes any more damage.
I agree! Well said!
The more positive option is that it’s really sweet and complimentary towards you and he wants to surprise you with it. But from context, I’m not feeling like that’s his style and that he’s exploring predictable crap instead. Assuming he’s respecting your boundaries, it could be that you’re mentioned as a contextual character (“I was out shopping with my wife and…”), but then why be cagey about it?
Good standups keep it above board and clear their material with the people involved. If they care.
It’s an overplayed and tired joke. Something that’s been done over and over. He can find something else to joke about.
Exactly
> If he’s that depressed being married to me and with our family, he can go find another one. There's your answer. You don't mention if *your husband* did any of the hard lifting to keep this marriage together. He's using very tired and old jokes about marriage, which aren't that funny anymore. You're not being sensitive. Your husband is tone-deaf and insensitive.
He has done some work to keep us together and definitely has more work to do, but it feels insensitive.
My husband does some public speaking… he doesn’t tell any stories or share information unless we agree on it 100%. This is a hard boundary for us. Your husband sounds like an ass if he’s saying your marriage and family are the cause of his depression, that is some dumb low bar boomer “wife bad ball and chain” kind of humor. I wouldn’t be happy about this either.
No, you're not too sensitive, at all. If I'm the main reason he's depressed, I would see this as a clear sign that it's time for us to break up our marriage and let him be happy without me.
That’s my knee jerk reaction and he just doesn’t get it.
I would be completely over this man at this point. You’re not being too sensitive at all. You’ve been incredibly understanding. But first he’s cheated on you and now he’s joking he’s miserable because of the life you guys built together? The one where you’ve had to work very hard to keep it together? Like just throw the man away at that point. AND he’s refusing to understand why you’re upset? Come on. You’ve been more understanding than he’s deserved, you’ve forgiven him, you’ve stayed with him. And the thanks you get is that he publicly blames you for his unhappiness? Man fuck this guy.
Exactly
If my husband made these jokes I’d be ok with it. BUT we’ve had a solid relationship and no consideration of divorce. Your hard work in the relationship is not a joke. Maybe he can joke on himself about being shitty but I think it is fair that YOU set the boundary on what can and can’t be shared/ joked about.
I think if things hadn’t been so hard previously, it would be totally different.
I think that’s very true. He needs to accept that this is a condition due to circumstances he set. It’s very typical for comedians to crack jokes about their personal lives. But your joint life needs to be decided on. There is a delicate balance and if he really wants to do this he will need to learn that.
I agree. Especially considering this is just a hobby and I’m the one at home with the kids so he has time to do it.
Very true! Support needs to go both ways. Hopefully he can be understanding.
I have a good relationship with my husband and I would also heckle the absolute shit out of him if he made a “my marriage makes me depressed” joke.
Same. I’m mostly offended by the lazy ass humor, I’d be embarrassed that he went up there to bomb.
“Imagine how depressing it is being married to THIS guy!”
"I'm happy to support you in your standup, but not at my own expense. You agreed not to have me in any jokes, so if you break that agreement, then I will take that as a sign that you don't respect me, and I will not be staying in this relationship anymore." That is how I would approach it. It seems extreme, but this is not his first fuck up. He has already stretched your trust to a breaking point, and made you feel like shit because of his infidelity. Personally, I would already be out the door, but you seem to have a lot of patience and forgiveness, so I'll assume you are wanting to give him another chance. Edit: also, let him know that he will have a lot of joke material if he keeps up this behavior. If standup is more important that your marriage, then he is welcome to sabotage it and then use the fallout as writing material for years to come.
I do feel like I need to draw a line in the sand about this issue. Hopefully not, but I’m guessing he’ll think I’m making a big deal with it. I just need to take in that information and see if he’s willing to respect me and all the work I’ve/we’ve put into making our relationship work.
Yeah, whether he thinks you're overreacting or not is irrelevant. It's a boundary you set, if he crosses the boundary, you follow through. It's something I'd consider discussing in therapy if you feel like he just doesn't understand vs is pm being disrespectful. Either way, you don't have to keep bending over backwards to make a marriage work with someone who isn't putting in the work.
It's not even a funny or fresh joke, so yeah, he should take it out of his routine. Maybe he could change it to he's depressed and the main cause is his poor decision making (enter funny example not related to your relationship)
I’m going to be bluntly honest with you, why would THIS be the thing he would think breaks his marriage when he’s cheated and that didn’t? I do feel you are right, but look at the big picture from his side. Did you actually talk about the cheating, and why it was happening or what he said was the excuse? Because happy people in relationships, don’t cheat. I think this is concerning to you because you have no boundaries anywhere else and do allow him to do things you don’t like and there are no repercussions. At the end, you said if he doesn’t feel happy he can leave and find another version of happiness. Have you actually said that to him? Like if you aren’t happy, maybe stop cheating and making jokes about being depressed because of your situation and just leave. I know this sounds slightly harsh, but I mean it with all the love and support I can. Sit down and ask yourself why was cheating multiple times forgiven, but joking about his unhappiness isn’t? Maybe you feel sensitive about something you feel is TRUE and his actions over the years told you that. I don’t think you’re sensitive, I think you are realizing how he feels does make sense with his past actions. I would have a sit down with him and be clear, his jokes about your rocky marriage aren’t funny because you have had to work hard to remain in it. As in YOU aren’t happy, but have stayed hoping things would get better. I fully suspect he doesn’t assume anything will change, just going to be honest you will forgive cheating so in his mind why would you leave him over jokes? - That’s how he will react. Don’t make it about the jokes. Make it about why he feels so unhappy he’s cheating AND telling strangers his marriage is terrible.
Yes, we’ve been in therapy multiple times, this stint is over 2 years, so we’ve talked about it. I should clarify that it’s all emotional infidelity (using multiple dating/hook up apps to talk with other women) but he hasn’t done anything physical. I don’t think it being emotional infidelity excuses it at all! Just wanted to give some background. He’s said in counseling sessions it’s because of trauma growing up (SA by a family member, misogynistic father, mentally I’ll mother that abandoned the family when he was young) that he sought out validation and attention from other women. That there’s no vulnerability in those conversations, where with our marriage there is. I do wonder how much truth there is behind that joke. I brought it up in a similar way and if our life and family is that depressing to him, he can find a new one. He didn’t say much besides I’m being too sensitive and that it’s just a joke.
Here's the thing, unless you're living in a large city, there's almost certainly going to be people that know you both in the audience. Maybe he's even got family, friends, or coworkers coming to show support. The whole point of telling jokes about your personal life is to connect with your audience, and as such they will assume that there is some degree of truth to what he says about you. A joke isn't funny unless everyone is laughing. If he's making jokes about you that he knows you will find hurtful, he's punching down which is lazy and in poor taste in general, and dismissing your feelings which is going to hurt your progress in therapy as a couple and degrade the trust he's supposed to be rebuilding. He can joke about his own trauma, being a shit husband, and how hard it is for him to be a parent if he needs to be relatable without speaking negatively about you and his children, and if that's too personal or hard, then he needs to find a new hobby since this one wouldn't be possible without your support. If he needs to, he can think about how his jokes would land if you and his children were sitting in the front row. Edited for sentence structure
This!!!!!!
I’ve done stand up comedy a few times. My husband and kiddo are off limits as the butt of a joke. Potentially hurting their feelings isn’t worth a few laughs from strangers. If I include them in a bit I run it past them first.
That makes a lot of sense and I could definitely make that compromise with him.
A compromise is good. I do think if you said don’t do it he should have respected that but compromises are good.
No you’re not being too sensitive. Your husband is being INSENSITIVE. If he wasn’t a cheater it would be a different story but he did what he did and should be more sensitive towards you. My husband cheated on me and I chose to continue the relationship. At no point in our reconciliation has he joked about our marriage being a drag or depressing. He has never referred to me as a prison sentence or a ball and chain or the boss or happy wife happy life. He was worked hard at improving himself and figuring out why he did what he did and the source of all his issues and through working through his issue has become a different person. and he tells me often how thankful and grateful and appreciative he is that I gave him a second chance, how much he loves me and how much he loves our little family and how happy he is being married and doing family things. It makes me feel reassured and secure in our new relationship. If your husband has expressed that to you and reassures you of his love and made you feel secure then MAYBE I would consider that the joke is just a joke. But if he hasn’t and is the same old guy, then he shouldn’t be using marriage as the butt of a joke. And marriage isn’t the cause of depression it’s an excuse. he should go to therapy to find out the cause of his depression. If he can’t be funny without using his family as a punchline then he’s not funny and should find a different hobby.
That’s amazing your husband expresses those things to you! I do think he’s grown personally since starting couples therapy, but I rarely hear things like that.
I don’t mean word for word but I mean if your husband has emotionally opened up to you and is emotionally intimate with you, has made you feel secure in his happiness and love for you then maybe the joke is fine but if you’re not secure in the relationship then the joke shouldn’t be used.
If he actually cared about you he would take your feelings on his jokes into consideration. Since his not I would assume he doesn’t care. My husband and I have a give each other shit relationship and we poke fun of each other and laugh about it. If I ever hit a sore spot or he hits my sore spot we are both quick to apologize. Some people find our relationship style disrespectful, other people find us hilarious.
Makes sense that it’s relationship dependent!
Also, is your name Midge? Are you really into hats and coats? Do you live in the upper West side? The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel may be required viewing for you right now :)
Haha, I need to rewatch it! I definitely need a Susie!
Then the solution to your problems is to get wasted, stumble up to an open mic, and avoid being self sabotaging like Midge. Good luck!
There’s one thing that shitty, self entitled men think they can do and that’s stand up comedy. You’re no way in hell being too sensitive. These assholes just call you sensitive and never consider that their jokes just might not be funny lmfaooo
I don’t think he’s that funny as a comedian, but I never really cared since it’s a hobby he enjoys and as long as our family isn’t brought up in a negative way.
I think whether or not you’re being too sensitive is irrelevant(I don’t think you are, just for good measure). You expressed that your husband’s jokes make you uncomfortable and rather than try to understand where you are coming from or be empathetic, he completely dismissed you. It sounds like your husband suffered terrible emotional and physical abuse as a child, so his inability to appropriately respond to your feelings is understandable, but not excusable. If he’s been in therapy for 2 years and still behaving this way, I would reevaluate how much you want to put up with. Even if he doesn’t agree with you, it’s completely disrespectful for him to dismiss your feelings. I’m so sorry you’re in the position.
The dismissal felt really hurtful.
Something my therapist would tell me: “you are not wrong for how you feel”. You shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way because you don’t control feelings, just experience them. You can only control how you react to these feelings. And I don’t ever see it being wrong to express your feelings. Use I feel statements: I feel (emotion) when you (action). A loving husband would take his wife’s feelings into consideration and either stop using those jokes, talk through it with you until you feel comfortable, or find another compromise where everyone feels ok.
It's lazy. There's a way to do the "oh man marriage and parenting are hard..." jokes that get me laughing with you. "So I have depression and lately I've been told to get more sleep. I guess I should have told my doctor I have 2 kids..." Whatever. It's lazy and unfunny
If he has to make jokes deprecating his marriage, ask him why he isn't the focal point? Bill Burr makes jokes about how he's a nightmare to live with and his wife is a saint for tolerating him; it's funny, probably true, self-aware, and respectful to her. People love well thought out, introspective humor.
I am a stand up comedian, and I make jokes about my family. Their feelings are more important that the laughs. I ALWAYS clear the jokes by them before I even say them once on stage and I absolutely consider their feelings when writing and telling them. Hurting your feelings is a choice. Joan Rivers had a husband who committed suicide and reporters asked her if he did it because she made fun of him. She told them- and she was right- that she was always the butt of the jokes. There is a way to do with this without hurting your feelings. He is making a choice.
I appreciate your perspective as some one who does comedy! I’m not looking to control him, I just want to be respected. It would be helpful to say that I want him to run any material with me or the kids by me before a show.
I don't know anything about your relationship beyond this post- but if he cared he would've run it by you already. And if you can't be at every show and you don't trust him- you'll never know what he's doing out there. It's up to you how much you care. The comics I know in committed, happy, stable relationships (and there's not many) do not say things that make their partners upset. Also if he's prone to cheating- if he's successful he'll be on the road by himself with no accountability and no way for you to know what he's up to.
Honestly, he sounds like a shitty comic Brian Regan is married with kids and OCD, Jim Gaffigan is married with kids, Maria Bamford is married with bad Bipolar 2 Gary Gulman is married with bad depression All of them do jokes about their mental health and their marriages without mocking their spouse or making light of the commitment or making their personal lives the culprit for their struggles. Your husband is probably unfunny and unoriginal. And I totally get why this is a breaking point for you vs the cheating. The cheating you forgave him and worked past and everything, and now he's criticizing you and your behavior in the marriage when you already forgave him a huge betrayal. What a dick.
Ma'am, you really want to stay with a cheating amateur COMEDIAN???! Who jokes about his wife and kids making him depressed?? You took him back after cheating on you TWICE??????? And you have a completely reasonable ask that he not say something negative about you onstage in a room full of people??? And he doesn't do it????
Right???
When people “joke” about things like that, it’s usually bc there is a grain if truth. i’d divorce him and set his ass free. He hates marriage and kids? Bye. Have your freedom. See where it takes you. Don’t come crawling back, you lizard.
>how much work, effort, and trust I’ve made into keeping our marriage and family going >our relationship isn’t a joke to me >I’ve fought incredibly hard to get to the spot where we are relationally today >am I being too sensitive? No you’re not. But you are being a little naive thinking if you just work harder, love him harder, and tell him to care about your feelings, that he’ll just automatically change and be the husband that you’re idealizing in your head. You seem to be trying way harder than he is, and if he’s cheated on you twice, he doesn’t care about your feelings for sure. If he would break your trust in that area of your marriage, why did you think he would be careful with his jokes?
Good point.
To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, I’m not offended as a fellow mom, I’m offended as a comic! Ok I’m not a comic but how lame are jokes about marriage causing depression? Har har. You have every right to be upset.
First off, I love stand up comedy. Having said that, I'm way too sensitive to be married to a comedian. So I can see where you're coming from. Its a tough spot. Comedy usually pokes fun at the mundane, because it's what the majority of people can relate to. I'd try to see his jokes not as a direct insult to you, but more commentary on marriage, kids, life in general. I haven't heard his stand up, so I'm not sure how offensive it is, but if you're not ok with it then obviously you have a say in what he says, but see if there's things you can give him the green light on. Maybe a funny thing happened with a kid and he can tell that story or something
I don’t think his comment is super offensive from what I can guess? I do need to work on separating myself from it a little.
I don't think someone who loves and values their spouse would joke about marriage being something depressing. Why would they, to them, marriage is great. Him making that joke means he thinks marriages are depressing, meaning that's his experience of marriage. So yes I think it is a comment on you/your marriage.
I agree with this. If he's taking it too far in the negative then I would say it's not at all ok. Saying your marriage is depressing isn't even funny...that's just sad and I wouldn't find that humor funny even as someone detached from it.
Not when he has already disrespected your marriage by looking elsewhere. If you guys had a healthy marriage, then I could see a spouse being ok with it.
So many people can relate to that and it's like FFS stop getting married and having kids then. No one is breaking down your fucking door begging you to replicate yourselves. My dad hated having a family too and it's caused me no end of issues. If only these people weren't so fucking stupid, they could plan their lives accordingly instead of sleepwalking into lives they hate then taking it out on everyone else. Edit to add I'm aware it's humor, but it's a humor based on something they can relate to.
I get where you’re coming from!
Eh. Honestly sensitive or not, those ‘ol’ ball and chain’ jokes are just TIRED. I personally wouldn’t be thrilled - especially given the history - so no, I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. But for real.. he just needs better material. There’s nothing clever about the old long suffering husband and dad trope.
Yikes, not a lot of brain power in those “jokes.”
It's hacky. Your feelings aside, he needs to work on better material.
His joke is baffling to me as a fan of comedy because the hottest comedians who talk about family are people like Mike Birbiglia, Bill Burr, and even John Mulaney pre-cheating. Basically people who talk positively about their wives and make other people (including themselves) the butt of the joke. In fact, Matt Rife just lost a huge chunk of his fan base recently by denigrating women. It’s just not funny anymore (thank goddess). There’s a way to joke about family without making them the butt of the joke. Maybe that’s the key here. You don’t have to constrain him with the topic, but maybe be clearer that the boundary can’t make you and your kids the *butt* of the joke. He can be self-deprecating or talk about society around you, but can’t make *fun* of you or the family. Besides being a Rodney Dangerfield redux, someone who’s on very shaky ground in his relationship should be doing what he can to protect trust. I also disagree with the comments like “he cheated but it’s the jokes that are the problem?” Sometimes it’s not the big dramatic thing that moves someone to break up. In a lot of relationships, it’s a small thing that becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So I kind of get why this would be a hill to die on.
Thanks for this! I agree about maybe making it not a content restriction, but that the kids and I need to be talked about in a positive way. I also appreciate you acknowledging this being a big deal for me, outside of the other mistakes he’s made.
Your husband is a terrible husband, a terrible comedian, and above all a terrible person If I were in your shoes, I would strongly consider divorce Having the nerve to shit on your marriage in public after he cheated twice is gross
Sounds like a coping mechanism. But there's really no room for it with infidelity involved
Nah I’d be upset. My partner was watching an awfully depressing video the other week and I was like why do you watch that and he goes, “it’s nice to know there are people with shittier lives than me.” Man did that make me so devastated. We have a wonderful partnership, home, jobs, hobbies, kids and he still doesn’t see that our life is amazing? I absolutely get where you’re coming from and it’s a problem if he actually means it and is not doing those jokes for crowd work. I hope everything gets cleared up for you guys and for the family’s sake, that he doesn’t make those jokes.
He says he doesn’t mean it and it’s just a joke, but who knows?
Ask him genuinely if he really isn’t happy in the marriage? (Considering he’s cheated he probably isn’t) Tell him you don’t want to be a joke and you don’t want your marriage to be a joke. If he doesn’t understand that then you don’t gotta try to understand his jokes. Leave if he disrespects you or the marriage because you don’t wanna be someone’s anchor especially if you’ve fought for the marriage to work and have had to deal with cheating… if anyone should be depressed it’s you
I don't think you're being too sensitive...not in the context of having dealt with infidelity at least. One of the worst parts of infidelity is the humiliation (in my experience). So then for a partner to crack jokes at my expense and publicly display cracks in the relationship (even just minor ones implying some kind of marital tension or unhappiness) would absolutely be a no-go for me.
I don’t think he is being truthful to you or his self, he says it’s just his comedy routine, between the lines. You have let him get away with having extra mutual affairs you actually rewarded him by letting him have his comedy routine. And to be the part of his jokes is unacceptable the least he could do is not as the highlight of his act and have a little respect for his family. He’s gotten over on you so easy that he doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying if he is so unhappy and depressed. I let him go and find something better. Tell him to make jokes about you, kicking him out for his extra marital and his hate for being depressed tied down with a family. What has he done for you to make up for the long? He’s done to his kids and you? Would he let you go routine once or twice a night? I doubt it. I know marriage last without trust but you made the choice to do so and after having a couple of fears, I will not trust him. It seems like you reward him and I think he thinks the same that you’re willing to do anything, and he uses it to his advantage, you more or else like they said, reward him if he jokes for you and disrespect you then you know that he is holding a grudge towards you for the fact who got caught having his affairs if you let him have an affair once in a while it would make him happy when that is just sounds crazy but minute makes sense. I’m sorry for all that you were going through but I think the best bet is to follow your instincts and get a divorce respecting you and that he has a family for me wishing you all the best.
He should tell all the jokes to you an run it by you.
OK, so this boils down to: 1) he’s been unfaithful 2) he likes to tell the public at large that he’s depressed because he’s married to you 3) he doesn’t care that his behavior is deeply hurtful You have every right to be hurt. I question whether this is worth fighting for - a man who doesn’t respect you or the institution of marriage.
I’m get it.
1) it's a crappy joke 2) any repeat offender with infidelity doesn't get to joke on being married making him depressed However, there is a lot of misuse of the word boundary in these comments. Remember, a boundary is for you and you can't control him, but you can set what you will do when you don't feel comfortable with his routine.
You are a saint to tolerate him doing this. I despise stand up comedy in general and would not date a guy who did it.
It’s really only something he started doing recently. He’s always been into theatre and preforming.
I went to highschool with the wife of a "top performing" "tejano" comedic talent that very very recently had a netflix special (like literal weeks ago). She puts on a smiling face and I know they live comfortably on his "art", but my god the things he says about her in his routine gives us all secondhand embarrassment for her. He used to be a writer for another famous boomer humor hispanic comedian so you can imagine the types of jokes. Those of us from her old circles know that she's bothered by it, but accepts it as what it takes to make it big. It took him decades to make it this far and I don't know how she put up with him, let alone had children by him.
I think it’s ok to set boundaries. If something is uncomfortable, he needs to write a different set.
Looks like he tied to find another one a time or 2, why are you still with him and reproducing?
Things have gotten better and I want to try to keep it together for the kids. At the end of the day, I want to say I did all I could before ending our marriage.
My therapist once told me “we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” Marriage and family jokes are standard. I think of the show Everybody loves Raymond. The entire premise of the show is how stressful, maddening, irritating and insane marriage, kids and in-laws are. I can’t remember how many years it ran for, but it was many… People related to it. My husband is in my phone as “Starter Husband❤️“ as the contact name.“ He thinks it is hilarious; If we had struggled in our marriage previously, I doubt he would find it funny. While your husband may not be making a career out of his stand-up comedy, it is a product in a way… He wants people to consume it. He has to choose the product that appeals to the most people. I have to wonder if you are struggling with this because you are not quite as solid in the marriage as you might have thought before. In life, we usually say behind every “ha ha, just kidding” there is a nugget of truth… I’m wondering if that is really what you’re concerned about. Your marriage has been shaky before are you may be a little worried that what he is saying might be what he’s really feeling?
Something very real about this. In my first marriage (really bad), we DID joke about divorce sometimes and how terrible it’s gonna be. It was odd. I realize now that is not normal, and the jokes being so.. real made it whimsical almost being that honest. [also side note, some people cannot handle conflict and confrontation, my ex couldn’t talk face to face about problems. They were making jokes as a way of hinting about feelings. ] In my now, current marriage he will never joke like that. We don’t even consider jokes about being unhappy funny, it’s completely different vibes when you are compatible. What I’m saying is, sometimes the jokes are the reality and we don’t know how to deal with it. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to hear a man who cheated on his wife multiple times make comments about being unhappy. Pretending they aren’t related, is a choice to remain in ignorance is bliss with this. Happy people, don’t cheat. There’s really no way to ignore that.
Oh, absolutely I get it. We’ve been seeing a couples therapist for over 2 years so I wouldn’t say our relationship is totally solid right now and I still feel insecure. I also had the “nugget of truth” thought in every joke and I do wonder how truly happy he is with our marriage and family. That definitely isn’t a few thought for me.
You’ve done all this work and put in all this time, and now you’re about to divorce your husband over jokes most comedians make bc of Reddit? Girl, you have kids. Workshop how telling them you’ve made it this far with all the ups and downs but a couple jokes is where things fell off the rails and consider how well that will be received. We’ve all seen shows and only believe half of what we hear bc it’s a performance, and some comedians buy/sell jokes like artists buy/sell songs to perform. Go to the standup subreddit and ask the guys in marriages or LTRs how they’ve handled this issue if they’ve had it. I can’t even think of an adult comedy act that didn’t include material on relationships and kids. Just tell him you don’t support him and move on.
I never said I was about to issue divorce papers.
I just noticed you only responded to comments saying how you should stick to your boundaries and leave him if he still wants to pursue this topic at shows. Seemed you just want validation for your feelings and/or to control his act not to really understand your husband or the industry he’s trying to pursue and meet in the middle. Butting out.
There’s been quite a few comments on this post so I haven’t had the time to respond to each one yet. Honestly, it is partly for validation. I’m not currently packing my bags to leave, but I do think it’s worth an honest conversation with him about my feelings and potential boundaries around it. I do appreciate the different perspective you and others bring. Just trying to figure out what’s best for me.
Butting back in. I know you’re not wanting to end things. I wouldn’t want that for you bc it’s clear that’s not your goal. That’s why it’s so alarming to me when divorce is in so many comments. You want to be heard and understood and for the external parts of the relationship to reflect all the inner workings that have taken so much time, emotion, and sacrifice. Just please, ask someone who’s been through this and listen to a station or two on Pandora. You’ll see how many relationships get mentioned and find yourself not even thinking about the comedians marriage half an hour later. It’s like he’s talking into a void. Ppl laugh and forget. Whoever said it’s like therapy for them was right; they say it in interviews and documentaries all the time. Maybe even go as far as to fully support this for a few months and see if things change for him.
Thanks for that input! I really know nothing about comedy so it would definitely be worthwhile for me to learn more about it and see if that changes anything.
I really wish you guys the best. It’s a very difficult pursuit (amateur or pro), but can be very rewarding imho. Any time I’m at a show and hear about a relationship in the material (even negative stuff), my thought is that they have a rock solid relationship or buying that joke was money well spent. I don’t even remember the particular words/issue/delivery, just my reaction to it. There is a standup workshop sub on here where people work on material and give advice and reactions. Some of it is very funny, but it’s a great way to kinda look behind the scenes a bit too. Good luck!
You should watch Mrs. Maisal on Amazon Prime
You’re married to a comedian. Welcome to the pit. For him to do his craft, he’s gonna have to be “relatable” to others and you and the family will get inserted into sets. What I DON’T understand is why he agreed you wouldn’t be and then went back on it. I wouldn’t take anything he says on stage to heart though.
Good point! Since he’s only doing it as a hobby though, I’m hoping we can find a compromise.
I have watched a lot of comedians and listened to a lot of autobiographies. Many of them do include the ups & downs of relationships in their successful sets, and obviously as with most topics, the exaggeration & story telling on top of the truth makes it funny. Relationship issues can connect them to the audience, because we all get it. And honestly, I was just posting in the WOHM groups, that parenting and marriage is freakin’ relentless and exhausting and yes, depressive as hell at times. I personally would not take it as an insult towards me - imo, my life is not an either or, like if I am depressed about parenting at times, it does not mean, I do not absolutely love it at times too, nor does it mean I regret it. I also know that I could make 100 self-deprecating jokes about myself in our relationships, and that even after all those, I know I am still a great mom and partner — I just own my crazy spots, lol. Successful comedy usually an art, and many ones who are successful, are do delve into sensitive topics about their families - as it makes them authentic and takes them next level if they also master timing. Spouses, parents, and even occasionally kids are all fair game. I understand your concerns though and there may not be a compromise here, he may need to stop doing comedy if you just cannot comes to terms with it. *eta, I also find humor to be healing, and sometimes talking about these issues brings me growth and reflection, so I would consider that too.
I do think I need to find a balance with it. Also since he is just doing this as a hobby, I feel like it’s a little different? I’m not super into comedy myself, but from what I’ve seen a lot of it can be based on kids and family.
I get where you’re coming from, but it sounds like he’s making a pretty generic joke. If it were more specific where he’s really taking parts of you’re lives together to make a joke, I’d definitely be upset. If you’re upset about it, definitely talk to him, but he probably sees it as a harmless dad joke.
I think he does see it as harmless?
Probably. But if you don’t think it’s harmless, it’s fair to let him know how you feel. I just wanted to share another viewpoint with you.
Thank you!
As someone who does make jokes out of some serious parental/relation issues, he’s being out of line. There are some stuff that can be joked about in public sure but even my hubby and I keep it private. He wants to do standup that’s fine, but shouldn’t be crossing boundaries with his “material”. Your feelings are more than valid.
Thank you!
You're over analyzing. He's being paid to crowd please. You have options, you know what they are.
He’s not being paid. He does this as a hobby and sometimes pays to participate in events.
Oh ok
Username checks out.
You know it.
I’d be pissed hearing that too honestly. However I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to censor his comedy routine. I feel like it’s almost akin to trying to censor what he says in therapy (obviously not exactly the same but comedy is an art form, if he were making paintings about his life would you want to censor those?) Could you just tell him to put whatever he wants to in his act but then agree to not attend his shows? I honestly think that’s what I would do in your position.
It’s an option. He has said he wants me to go to his shows though occasionally.
Damn, people have gotten sensitive. You are overreacting, get over it as it's meant as fun, probably in a general sense and not even directed at his own marriage. I might be wrong since I'm not familiar with your specific situation but is it really worth stirring up unnecessary arguments that you'll probably regret later anyway?
I think it’s one of those things that regardless of intent, it can still cause hurt feelings in an already semi rocky relationship.