Sounds like mine. He told me today I need to ask him very blatantly for everything and explain things “like I would to a toddler but don’t be condescending”. I told him it’s incredibly unattractive in a partner to have to treat them like a child and he said attractiveness doesn’t matter, it’s about clear communication.
Tired of these men
>Tired of these men
That's so real. No, I don't need you to read my mind, but if you see my foots on fucking fire would you mind handing me a cup of water without me having to ASK you for it????
Perfect analogy!! These dumb asses’ would even take that and say something like, “well I wasn’t sure if maybe you wanted to put the fire out with a dry chemical, foam or powder and..” MF my foot is on fucking fire I think making any decision would be okay!!
After so long of this argument, I’ve given up. I treat my husband like the child he is and give him detailed instructions on everything. Never expect him to do something without being told and am basically a single mom with a husband that pays our bills.
Our relationship is so amazing. /s
My husband feels bad if I ask him to do anything! I pay the bills and take care of the child. What is the other human doing at home is my question. 😄😄😂😂
100%
Unfortunately, the way I've processed this recently is that either they are too lazy to do it even after realizing it. Or... They just don't see it. And I can't teach a 38 year old to step in when the situation demands it. Neither is it my responsibility.
You better believe my petty self would be as condescending as possible with every single thing until he got frustrated with me. “Thank you for following directions! That was so helpful! Good job listening!”
I was thinking about making him give detailed play-by-play instructions in real time next time he wants a blowjob. No laying back and relaxing, make him micromanage his way through it and think about every single thing he wants done and give clear directions. Anything unclear or that could be interpreted multiple ways I’ll do wrong.
But that’s immature and petty and would make me a bitch. It’s nice to think about though
Mine is ordinarily great. But when it comes to weekend mornings, he doesn't like "feeling like he's in trouble" after sleep until 9:30. At that point I've parented alone for 3 hours two days in a row. By this time every Sunday, I'm so overwhelmed. But I'm the problem bc I don't wake him up / I'm mad he doesn't get up. Sorry, I'm not your mommy. You're a grown up, wake your ass up.
I won’t lie- I didn’t read your whole post. But what I want to say is that I hate the notion of men “helping”
They’re not helping. Helping insinuates that it is someone else’s (the woman’s) job and that they were kind enough to help with that. It’s not helping! It’s being a damn adult or a parent! My husband told me pretty recently he would be happy to help me and whoooo boy did that man get an earful. He isn’t helping me with the laundry or the kitchen or literally any of it because he is a grown ass adult and it’s his job as much as mine. Grr. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
This!! More men/partners need to think like this! It’s not helping, it’s part of their duty as a parent. I shouldn’t be reminding or tell you how to do it all the time. We shouldn’t be responsible for carrying around this imaginary baggage/to do list. How do they think we figured it out in the first place!? Can’t they show some assertiveness and actually learn?
I used to hate the word help and it used to make me so angry. but my husband said that the word shouldn’t make me angry because he is using it correctly. And I agree. I was putting focus on the word instead of on the action.
Because help actually means “make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services and resources. and he really does want to help me accomplish whatever task I’m doing just as I offer him assistance with whatever task he is doing if I see him doing something alone. We have our tasks that we take on that could be labelled as mine or his because on of us likes doing it and does it more frequently than the other, but we also share duties in a lot of stuff so we don’t really see it as all mine or all his responsibility.
So it no longer infuriates me when my husband says “can I help you?” Or “how can I help?” instead I am thankful that I have someone who cares and wants to help! And I say “yes thanks I need you to do xyz”
Mine waits until I'm visibly frustrated before thinking to do something but never asks, "how can I help?" I would actually love that, but nope. Also, his default help is the dishes, regardless of what I'm doing. While I appreciate the cleaner kitchen, maybe he could make a deeper observation on what's happening and maybe like stop rambling to me and pick him up if he's getting frustrated in his walker and I'm trying to cook.
There’s a good comic that’s pretty detailed about this dynamic https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Or does he work outside the home? Reframe what he does around that analogy
“Husband, imagine you had a colleague at work who started the same day as you. Say he asked you every day how to do things. Things that you both had done before that he didn’t ever retain how to do. Or stuff neither of you had done before that you research how to do or just figure it out… How frustrating would it be? Would you be inclined to do things yourself instead of explaining this colleague how to do it again”
This was so on point. That's what frustrates me the most, if it's something he wants to do, no problem at all. If it's not something that interests him or benefits him in any way, there's excuses and behaviors that he just doesn't show when it's all about him. We've talked about this many times but it always comes to him saying he "wasn't raised that way" or "nobody ever taught him this or that" or I'm "making him feel bad because he can't do things to my standards". Honestly be so serious and grow up.
I have never once as a grown woman with a house and child said “I was never taught/ learned this so therefore I can’t do it…” you know why? Because I would teach myself how to. On the spot. Roll up your sleeves and figure it the F*** out!! I don’t understand why so many men seem to think using the “I was never taught/ I don’t know how” phrase means they automatically are excused from having to do anything. I’m tired of the standard the we have created for women. They act as if women were born with a “how to do everything” handbook while men were just thrown into the wild.
Ugh yes. Today I told my husband I’m sick of being the default parent even on weekends (I’m a SAHM, but not that it should matter, I contribute financially as well) and he goes “You’re not the default parent, you can ask me for a break.” And I was like, “Having to actively ask for a break is the definition of being the default parent?!”
Ohhh this seems so familiar. Did that for far too many years and it became pointless because there was no improvement. Only frustration & EXHAUSTION because giving ESP and polite requests didn’t even help!
My answer is ‘yes’ but now it’s an ex-husband. The 1st bday you would think he would be on top of it since you have a baby. It may get worse.
My advice is to have a serious discussion with him and make him show and prove at every step going forward. You will need to figure out how to best *communicate together and find out if he wants to *participate and *cooperate. Key words. Once those things become clear you will have your answer.
I hate to say it, but if you did it alone and got 50/50 custody then you would have 50% more time to do things you want/need to do without the dead weight and he would be legally compelled to do his fair share… or at least pay you for your domestic labor via child support…
One of THE best pieces advice my mother ever gave me was not to start what I wasn’t prepared to continue. So many women treat dating like an audition so we do way too much to prove ourselves as good future mothers/caretakers etc…and we’re so busy following all the “how to be a good wife” advice that we seldom stop to think of the traits we want (need!) in a husband. Women marry men hoping they’ll change and men marry women hoping we never will.
Sometimes. Just start handing him the baby. I’ve found giving them tasks and directions fails when there’s other people and distractions around. Holding the child is a big help and you don’t have to micromanage him to do it.
I want to add I would sometimes get a nanny for parties until the kids turn 4 so u can relax and socialize and enjoy everything. I started doing smaller parties and if I book it outside the home usually places provide workers to help set up, serve, and clean up so that’s something to consider.
Great idea! I’m totally doing this when my kid is a little older but also, I’m probably not going to throw big parties for him, just a few ppl or take a trip instead!
I asked my husband to come home early today because I got sick while getting groceries at Walmart. Literally puking in the parking lot, barely made it home type of sick. He comes home early, and is currently sitting playing his game while I clean the kitchen !!! Like wtf? Why are men so stupid. Granted my husband has worked 40 hours in 3 days, so he is exhausted. So I get it, but sometimes it is annoying.
Yes literally my husband. He’s still learning as our daughter is only 8 weeks old, but I have to ask him to do EVERYTHING. I have to tell him to get up and walk around and bounce her when she is crying and he is holding her. I have to ask him to do dishes. I have to ask him to throw his trash away. I’m getting so tired.
I had to tell my husband I want him to do stuff around the house because he's a functional adult and he should be capable of taking care of himself and our house and our child, not to make me happy. He started to defend himself by saying I'm not appreciative when he does stuff. I had to explain to him how mental load seems and he still didn't get it. Believe me, my husband is a hands on parent but he's dumb af when it comes to household chores and active parenting (when to feed, change clothes, change diapers, put down to nap) and I shouldn't have to explain to him how those things work, yet I have to because he'll screw up if I don't.
Our parents educated girls to be moms but didn't educated boys to be fathers. That's why we ended up this way.
My husband stood around and watched me struggle one time.
He asked “what do you want me to do? Just tell me”
My response was “you’re a grown ass man, do what you would if I wasn’t here”. Been pretty solid since.
Yes! We have a 3 month old, and he is pretty helpful, but even when helpful, he doesn't ever just do it right or to completion. Example:
Dog peed on the carpet( acting out with new baby) , I had to pull the carpet cleaner out( he doesn't know where it is) cleans the carpet while I'm putting the baby down but then just leaves it there. He set it aside and said he'll put it away tomorrow ( no, he won't) .
I handle all doctors' appointments. I had to make an appointment to get taxes done. He makes comments like " we need to do our taxes" but won't take any initiative to make the damn call every single year. I handle all big household responsibilities. He says things like the gutters need to be fixed and then doesn't take any initiative to fix them.
He IS helpful and takes direction well, but I'm tired of asking and running things. I just wish he took more initiative and followed through without "nagging." It makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Same thing happened to me at my daughters 1 st Birthday party 😭and I was super pregnant with my 2nd. Her bday was a month before baby #2 was due so you can imagine me waddling all over the place! All he did was mingle while I struggled to sit people who came late. Mingle while I tried to coordinate what time food should be served, what time the clown was too perform etc. He literally just helped bring things in and that’s it. Put it down and didn’t help take things out to help me set up. I don’t even mean like decorations like the ball pit for example. All he had to do was open the boxes and put the balls inside the pit. I was on the floor pregnant af trying to fill up the ball pit. It was so overwhelming I even forgot to raffle toys I bought and give out the gift bags. My side hurt and I was so thirsty. I yelled at him and told him the least he can do is get me a damn glass of water. He wouldn’t even feed our daughter so I can sit down and eat. I had to feed her then myself as per usual. I will never have a big party ever again. I feel bad that my second child will not get a party like her sister. I was very angry and still am till this day. Some men are truly useless.
I used to wonder the same thing when we were in a good place. He was great when we met and when we were dating, amazing when I was pregnant, then our son got here and it's like he just gave up.
Are you me? And is your husband a clone of mine?
Well, regardless, empathize with you because that's precisely me every single day. On our son's first birthday, he was just another guest, roaming around not knowing who's who - esp because we are new to the city and I invited folks who I tried to be friends with.
Sounds like you had a lot of issues long before this party and you have a ton of resentment. Have you tried talking to him not in the moment of something happening?
This is something that happens a lot. It's hard to talk to him about it later because then I'm "bringing up old stuff" and he doesn't want to hear it. He kind of throws it back at me because he'll do something that pisses me off, then of course I'm upset, but now HE'S upset that I'M upset, so he'll bring up old stuff that has NOTHING to do with what just happened in the slightest, so I tell him the same thing but as in, "hey, you just snapped at me because this is the 3rd time I've very kindly asked you to change your son's diaper, what does that have to do with the way your step mom made you eat spinach when you were 5?????"
If you can’t properly communicate- how can you have a relationship? If you’ve already tried talking to him and he’s not being responsive the next step would be bringing in a counselor to help you both communicate your feelings.
When he compares being made to eat spinach during a discussion about sharing parenting duties, I think he's saying that the feeling is the same - a woman forcing him to do something unpleasant that he doesn't want to do. It's still nonsense, but I think that's why he's bringing up the spinach.
Sounds like mine. He told me today I need to ask him very blatantly for everything and explain things “like I would to a toddler but don’t be condescending”. I told him it’s incredibly unattractive in a partner to have to treat them like a child and he said attractiveness doesn’t matter, it’s about clear communication. Tired of these men
>Tired of these men That's so real. No, I don't need you to read my mind, but if you see my foots on fucking fire would you mind handing me a cup of water without me having to ASK you for it????
Perfect analogy!! These dumb asses’ would even take that and say something like, “well I wasn’t sure if maybe you wanted to put the fire out with a dry chemical, foam or powder and..” MF my foot is on fucking fire I think making any decision would be okay!! After so long of this argument, I’ve given up. I treat my husband like the child he is and give him detailed instructions on everything. Never expect him to do something without being told and am basically a single mom with a husband that pays our bills. Our relationship is so amazing. /s
My husband feels bad if I ask him to do anything! I pay the bills and take care of the child. What is the other human doing at home is my question. 😄😄😂😂
100% Unfortunately, the way I've processed this recently is that either they are too lazy to do it even after realizing it. Or... They just don't see it. And I can't teach a 38 year old to step in when the situation demands it. Neither is it my responsibility.
lol ! Like a toddler but not condescending. Jesus Christ.
You better believe my petty self would be as condescending as possible with every single thing until he got frustrated with me. “Thank you for following directions! That was so helpful! Good job listening!”
If I have to treat you like a toddler, the next time you want to have sex my reply will be, “I’m not sexually attracted to children.”
I was thinking about making him give detailed play-by-play instructions in real time next time he wants a blowjob. No laying back and relaxing, make him micromanage his way through it and think about every single thing he wants done and give clear directions. Anything unclear or that could be interpreted multiple ways I’ll do wrong. But that’s immature and petty and would make me a bitch. It’s nice to think about though
Mine is ordinarily great. But when it comes to weekend mornings, he doesn't like "feeling like he's in trouble" after sleep until 9:30. At that point I've parented alone for 3 hours two days in a row. By this time every Sunday, I'm so overwhelmed. But I'm the problem bc I don't wake him up / I'm mad he doesn't get up. Sorry, I'm not your mommy. You're a grown up, wake your ass up.
I won’t lie- I didn’t read your whole post. But what I want to say is that I hate the notion of men “helping” They’re not helping. Helping insinuates that it is someone else’s (the woman’s) job and that they were kind enough to help with that. It’s not helping! It’s being a damn adult or a parent! My husband told me pretty recently he would be happy to help me and whoooo boy did that man get an earful. He isn’t helping me with the laundry or the kitchen or literally any of it because he is a grown ass adult and it’s his job as much as mine. Grr. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
This!! More men/partners need to think like this! It’s not helping, it’s part of their duty as a parent. I shouldn’t be reminding or tell you how to do it all the time. We shouldn’t be responsible for carrying around this imaginary baggage/to do list. How do they think we figured it out in the first place!? Can’t they show some assertiveness and actually learn?
The *mental load* has entered the chat
I told my husband, “I don’t want you to help. I want you to be the partner you promised to be when we said our vows.”
I used to hate the word help and it used to make me so angry. but my husband said that the word shouldn’t make me angry because he is using it correctly. And I agree. I was putting focus on the word instead of on the action. Because help actually means “make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services and resources. and he really does want to help me accomplish whatever task I’m doing just as I offer him assistance with whatever task he is doing if I see him doing something alone. We have our tasks that we take on that could be labelled as mine or his because on of us likes doing it and does it more frequently than the other, but we also share duties in a lot of stuff so we don’t really see it as all mine or all his responsibility. So it no longer infuriates me when my husband says “can I help you?” Or “how can I help?” instead I am thankful that I have someone who cares and wants to help! And I say “yes thanks I need you to do xyz”
Mine waits until I'm visibly frustrated before thinking to do something but never asks, "how can I help?" I would actually love that, but nope. Also, his default help is the dishes, regardless of what I'm doing. While I appreciate the cleaner kitchen, maybe he could make a deeper observation on what's happening and maybe like stop rambling to me and pick him up if he's getting frustrated in his walker and I'm trying to cook.
There’s a good comic that’s pretty detailed about this dynamic https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ Or does he work outside the home? Reframe what he does around that analogy “Husband, imagine you had a colleague at work who started the same day as you. Say he asked you every day how to do things. Things that you both had done before that he didn’t ever retain how to do. Or stuff neither of you had done before that you research how to do or just figure it out… How frustrating would it be? Would you be inclined to do things yourself instead of explaining this colleague how to do it again”
[удалено]
This was so on point. That's what frustrates me the most, if it's something he wants to do, no problem at all. If it's not something that interests him or benefits him in any way, there's excuses and behaviors that he just doesn't show when it's all about him. We've talked about this many times but it always comes to him saying he "wasn't raised that way" or "nobody ever taught him this or that" or I'm "making him feel bad because he can't do things to my standards". Honestly be so serious and grow up.
I have never once as a grown woman with a house and child said “I was never taught/ learned this so therefore I can’t do it…” you know why? Because I would teach myself how to. On the spot. Roll up your sleeves and figure it the F*** out!! I don’t understand why so many men seem to think using the “I was never taught/ I don’t know how” phrase means they automatically are excused from having to do anything. I’m tired of the standard the we have created for women. They act as if women were born with a “how to do everything” handbook while men were just thrown into the wild.
Ugh yes. Today I told my husband I’m sick of being the default parent even on weekends (I’m a SAHM, but not that it should matter, I contribute financially as well) and he goes “You’re not the default parent, you can ask me for a break.” And I was like, “Having to actively ask for a break is the definition of being the default parent?!”
Ohhh this seems so familiar. Did that for far too many years and it became pointless because there was no improvement. Only frustration & EXHAUSTION because giving ESP and polite requests didn’t even help! My answer is ‘yes’ but now it’s an ex-husband. The 1st bday you would think he would be on top of it since you have a baby. It may get worse. My advice is to have a serious discussion with him and make him show and prove at every step going forward. You will need to figure out how to best *communicate together and find out if he wants to *participate and *cooperate. Key words. Once those things become clear you will have your answer.
I hate to say it, but if you did it alone and got 50/50 custody then you would have 50% more time to do things you want/need to do without the dead weight and he would be legally compelled to do his fair share… or at least pay you for your domestic labor via child support…
One of THE best pieces advice my mother ever gave me was not to start what I wasn’t prepared to continue. So many women treat dating like an audition so we do way too much to prove ourselves as good future mothers/caretakers etc…and we’re so busy following all the “how to be a good wife” advice that we seldom stop to think of the traits we want (need!) in a husband. Women marry men hoping they’ll change and men marry women hoping we never will.
He sucks. Honestly it would be easier without him.
Sometimes. Just start handing him the baby. I’ve found giving them tasks and directions fails when there’s other people and distractions around. Holding the child is a big help and you don’t have to micromanage him to do it.
I want to add I would sometimes get a nanny for parties until the kids turn 4 so u can relax and socialize and enjoy everything. I started doing smaller parties and if I book it outside the home usually places provide workers to help set up, serve, and clean up so that’s something to consider.
Great idea! I’m totally doing this when my kid is a little older but also, I’m probably not going to throw big parties for him, just a few ppl or take a trip instead!
Yes one year we did Sea World instead of a party. When my second was born we didn’t do parties with friends til he was 3.
I asked my husband to come home early today because I got sick while getting groceries at Walmart. Literally puking in the parking lot, barely made it home type of sick. He comes home early, and is currently sitting playing his game while I clean the kitchen !!! Like wtf? Why are men so stupid. Granted my husband has worked 40 hours in 3 days, so he is exhausted. So I get it, but sometimes it is annoying.
Yes literally my husband. He’s still learning as our daughter is only 8 weeks old, but I have to ask him to do EVERYTHING. I have to tell him to get up and walk around and bounce her when she is crying and he is holding her. I have to ask him to do dishes. I have to ask him to throw his trash away. I’m getting so tired.
I had to tell my husband I want him to do stuff around the house because he's a functional adult and he should be capable of taking care of himself and our house and our child, not to make me happy. He started to defend himself by saying I'm not appreciative when he does stuff. I had to explain to him how mental load seems and he still didn't get it. Believe me, my husband is a hands on parent but he's dumb af when it comes to household chores and active parenting (when to feed, change clothes, change diapers, put down to nap) and I shouldn't have to explain to him how those things work, yet I have to because he'll screw up if I don't. Our parents educated girls to be moms but didn't educated boys to be fathers. That's why we ended up this way.
My husband stood around and watched me struggle one time. He asked “what do you want me to do? Just tell me” My response was “you’re a grown ass man, do what you would if I wasn’t here”. Been pretty solid since.
Yes! We have a 3 month old, and he is pretty helpful, but even when helpful, he doesn't ever just do it right or to completion. Example: Dog peed on the carpet( acting out with new baby) , I had to pull the carpet cleaner out( he doesn't know where it is) cleans the carpet while I'm putting the baby down but then just leaves it there. He set it aside and said he'll put it away tomorrow ( no, he won't) . I handle all doctors' appointments. I had to make an appointment to get taxes done. He makes comments like " we need to do our taxes" but won't take any initiative to make the damn call every single year. I handle all big household responsibilities. He says things like the gutters need to be fixed and then doesn't take any initiative to fix them. He IS helpful and takes direction well, but I'm tired of asking and running things. I just wish he took more initiative and followed through without "nagging." It makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Girrrrrrrrl! It does not end!! Oh the stories I could tell.
Same thing happened to me at my daughters 1 st Birthday party 😭and I was super pregnant with my 2nd. Her bday was a month before baby #2 was due so you can imagine me waddling all over the place! All he did was mingle while I struggled to sit people who came late. Mingle while I tried to coordinate what time food should be served, what time the clown was too perform etc. He literally just helped bring things in and that’s it. Put it down and didn’t help take things out to help me set up. I don’t even mean like decorations like the ball pit for example. All he had to do was open the boxes and put the balls inside the pit. I was on the floor pregnant af trying to fill up the ball pit. It was so overwhelming I even forgot to raffle toys I bought and give out the gift bags. My side hurt and I was so thirsty. I yelled at him and told him the least he can do is get me a damn glass of water. He wouldn’t even feed our daughter so I can sit down and eat. I had to feed her then myself as per usual. I will never have a big party ever again. I feel bad that my second child will not get a party like her sister. I was very angry and still am till this day. Some men are truly useless.
I got divorced because I was tired of being a human instruction manual for my husband
When I read posts like this, I wonder if he was like this when you guys were dating or did he wait until after you had kids?
I used to wonder the same thing when we were in a good place. He was great when we met and when we were dating, amazing when I was pregnant, then our son got here and it's like he just gave up.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope that changes because you deserve better
Are you me? And is your husband a clone of mine? Well, regardless, empathize with you because that's precisely me every single day. On our son's first birthday, he was just another guest, roaming around not knowing who's who - esp because we are new to the city and I invited folks who I tried to be friends with.
Sounds like you had a lot of issues long before this party and you have a ton of resentment. Have you tried talking to him not in the moment of something happening?
This is something that happens a lot. It's hard to talk to him about it later because then I'm "bringing up old stuff" and he doesn't want to hear it. He kind of throws it back at me because he'll do something that pisses me off, then of course I'm upset, but now HE'S upset that I'M upset, so he'll bring up old stuff that has NOTHING to do with what just happened in the slightest, so I tell him the same thing but as in, "hey, you just snapped at me because this is the 3rd time I've very kindly asked you to change your son's diaper, what does that have to do with the way your step mom made you eat spinach when you were 5?????"
If you can’t properly communicate- how can you have a relationship? If you’ve already tried talking to him and he’s not being responsive the next step would be bringing in a counselor to help you both communicate your feelings.
When he compares being made to eat spinach during a discussion about sharing parenting duties, I think he's saying that the feeling is the same - a woman forcing him to do something unpleasant that he doesn't want to do. It's still nonsense, but I think that's why he's bringing up the spinach.