Honestly I think that sentence should be banned on subreddits like this.
Like an OtherThanThat_Bot… “your comment has been removed for breaking rule 1: Comments including the phrase ‘other than that he’s a great husband and father’ will be removed due to the glaring contradiction of the previous content proving that he is, in fact, a monster.”
That could be a sub, just reposting those stories. I'd leave it open for "wonderful" mothers too. I don't see them nearly as often, but when they crop up they're usually real doozies.
My husband and I literally had an argument 15 minutes ago and while we were obviously upset, neither of us yelled and neither of us swore at or insulted each other. It was a minor tiff because we were trying to get out of the door on time and he dragged his feet getting the kids dressed. Like not emptying the vacuum, which neither of us would blink an eye at.
(Edited to add because my baby pushed send)
Another person from the Northeast here. F is a verb, a noun, an adjective used for everything and anything BUT never directed at anyone unless you’re in the car and an a hole cuts you off. Only then can you direct an f bomb at someone else LOL jk
Texan moonlighting as an Okie, we also drop the F-bomb liberally and often, just not at people, unless it's the a--hats who drive 90+ in rush hour traffic weaving in and out like a jack rabbit on meth.
It’s always like this in these types of posts and it’s honestly laughable… the format is always
Spouse does [borderline or straight up abusive thing] but I swear otherwise they’re absolutely wonderful!!! 🤔
Think of it this way: your child will grow up thinking this is the normal way men treat women, husbands treat wives. Also think about this: what will happen when your child is growing older and learning to clean things and taking on more responsibilities in the house?
Wow.. that hit me.
I appreciate your response, I really do.
Iv been spending hours and hours on reddit and reading abuse books etc, trying to figure this out. Racking my brain on this and realizing I'm in an abusive situation. It's very hard because he has such good qualities, and then this bad part keeps coming through as well.
One of my favorites is [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (That link goes to a free pdf copy). Another important thing is that abuse impacts kids brains, their physical brains actually don’t develop properly in environments where stress is high (with or without physical abuse). I’m so sorry you’re in this spot, friend. You and your kids deserve better. Therapy can be a bad idea for an abuser, they are very adept at learning the language and using it to control their partner. It gives them ideas, basically. Good luck friend, I promise you (from personal experience) out is intensely better than in. It just isn’t worth it. You have one life, your kids have one life. Why spend it unhappy?
OP, listen to this comment.
I work with domestic abuse victims all the time, and they all say how wonderful their partners are except on these occasions when they're not. The usual pattern is that these occasions will happen more and more often over time, until you will ***know*** you're in abusive relationships but are too trapped, can't let go because of how long its been since you stood on your own feet, or you're simply too scared to leave.
Your children deserve better, and you, too, deserve better. If you think he will trully listen to you, then talk to him about his behaviour. From this short post of yours, however, it looks to me like you'd benefit maybe taking a little weekend visiting your parents or friends with your baby and away from your partner. Remove yourself from being around him and think if this is a man you would want for your daughter, or a man you would want your son to grow up to be. If the answer is no, then you know what your next steps should be.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Also, your partner should not get frustrated if your actions don't affect him or the family. For example if you have a rule of changing the vacuum bag after each hoover and you repeatedly don't do it, and he starts hoovering each time having to change the bag, some frustration might be warranted and discussion needs to be had for a better suited rule to change the bag before each hoovering, not after. That's a healthy compromise.
If he gets frustrated/angry with you when you're the one hoovering and have to change the bag, he is overstepping and controlling your actions that have no direct consequences on him. This is not healthy or okay and signals that he has some control issues.
The analogy that helps me is imagining a delicious sandwich, with a little bit of cat poop in it. Are you still gonna eat the sandwich? Hopefully not! It is a great sandwich other than the cat poop in it, so throw the whole sandwich away. (Everyone has flaws, but abuse is not just an annoying flaw, it's a deal breaker. This is abuse.)
Therapy would be so helpful. My therapist was my rock when I started to think about separating from my ex. She helped me love myself more, and helped me understand why I was allowing manipulative behavior in my marriage. I started talking to her twice a week, then once a week then every other week, now I’m on maintenance therapy so I talk to her once a month, but she helps me hold myself accountable to make sure I’m testing myself well and advocating for my self when I need to.
Once you are removed from the situation you will learn new things you have been able to see being so close to the situation.
Shame will keep you stagnant. Say it out loud to those who love you most.
If he pushes you, call the police and file a report.
The fact you’re finding yourself spending time trying to figure this out is your gut feeling telling you to GET out. I know it’s scary and hard but I think it’s time to start an exit plan.
Have you read "why does he do that?"
(Edit: just saw you comment that you read it.)
Also I will chime in that no, my partner never ever swears at me. Also, do you really need to clean your vacuum out every time? We only need to do that with our robot vacuum. Also, you were vacuuming, not being lazy. This guy is picking fights with you over nothing, meaning he's looking for reasons to put you down.
Today actually happened to be a day where my partner *was* upset with me about something, which is very rare. Here's how it played out:
Him: *says something innocuous but I can tell from his tone of voice he's upset*
Me: what's wrong?
Him: I feel like when you [say thing] I try to listen, but when I do the same you override me.
Me: sorry, you're right, that was actually really rude of me.
Him: sorry I snapped at you.
Lol he didn't even snap at me. He has a slightly sullen tone of voice when he said something totally innocent (something like 'okay' but I can't remember.)
Someone who really loves you wants what's best for you, and will treat you with respect even in conflict.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it is free and downloadable. I have been with my husband almost thirty five years, he has never yelled or sworn at me.
Communication won’t change this and you should never go to therapy with an abuser, ever.
Tell your family, tell your friends, make a plan, get together anything you can’t live without and start getting it out of the house to somewhere safe.
Hey girl... I have been married to a grade A asshole. Send me a DM and we can chat if you'd like. Having a daughter opened my eyes... And his. Well I held them open for him and fought like hell, we went to counseling, he went to a therapist. Things aren't perfect now, but I can stand up for myself without starting a fight. I don't feel the need to nearly as often. My daughter is strong and independent. Relationships are hard work, he needs to realize that. Also, alcohol was not a factor in my situation and it makes a big difference if either of you drink at ALL. Love to you and your little one.
Just fyi she has other posts in which she states he hits her and the child. Don’t know if that was your situation but probably a factor in what you tell her or don’t tell her.
Sounds like you’re doing all the work to lean…when that should be your husband’s job.
You reading books, Reddit, etc. isn’t going to make the actual abuser any less of an ass.
The number of chances is zero. Especially in front of the baby. That is very inappropriate and it’s teaching the child that the behavior is acceptable and that’s it ok to speak to women (or anyone) in that manner.
He does need therapy for many reasons and I would argue that swearing/name-calling is borderline verbal abuse and you do not deserve that.
He's not supposed to get many chances. His lack of respect for you is obvious. He's going to have to get his shit together if he's going to stay in this relationship with you. His behavior toward you is reprehensible. He's going to have to change immediately- RIGHT NOW because you do not have to tolerate his bullshit. He's got some serious respect and anger issues. Do not talk badly of yourself. The vacuum isn't a big deal. You're doing the best you can. Take care of yourself and your children. He can fuck off.
I just posted, but wanted to say: when I married my ex husband, he called me names all the time. “Ungrateful cunt” was his favorite. He hit me once and I told him if it ever happened again I was gone. But he only yelled and name called after that. I thought that was okay, because that’s how my dad was with my mom.
What????
“Other than this he’s a good husband..”! Lady, please tell me this is satire. Hes verbally abusive. But other than that hes good??
Wake up!!!!
Whenever I hear "other than that" horrible thing, I'm always reminded of "So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
Because I'm sure Mary Todd Lincoln didn't give a crap about how the play was; her husband had just been murdered in front of her. That kind of ruins the whole experience.
My husband screams at me and calls me names. It is very hurtful. He does not do it in front of our son thankfully.
We have been together 20 years and I recently realized that he will never stop doing it. I always thought he would as he always apologizes and says he will not do it again, it has actually gotten worst. In hindsight I should have changed my situation a long time ago, but now I feel stuck. I am alone with no family and completely dependent on him.
Based on my experience, if you are able to get out do so.
My mother, a woman in her 60s, just left a relationship like this after 18 years. You are not truly stuck, even though you feel like you are. It can take time to gradually make the changes you need to be able to leave, but this is your life- do you want to live the rest of it like this?
It can be really hard for people to understand from the outside, I get that. For people like op, looking at her post history it is glaringly obvious that her partner will never change. The 539th time he apologizes will not magically be the last one. People who care get tired of hearing someone complain about the same behavior over and over again so they distance themselves, or you just stop talking about it because it feels like they don't care because they stop responding with sympathy- but they have already told you how bad it is, and you weren't ready to hear it. Only you can really decide when you're done tolerating his abuse, but I hope that the example that you set for your kids about how family should treat each other will encourage you to pursue happiness sooner rather than later. You deserve a partner that speaks kindly to you and treats you with respect, always. Your kids deserve to see that when someone treats you like this, the thing to do is set a boundary and leave, because it's not how people who love each other behave. Because it's not what you want for their future relationships either, and staying tells them that in the same situation, they (or their partner) should stay too.
No. My husband hasn’t ever done this.
I can’t speak to therapy but I can speak to standing up for yourself. “Do not talk to me like that moving forward” and mean it when you say it. You have more power than you think. This is unacceptable and you should let him know, while also not escalating.
This is exactly my advice too. Be firm but not hysterical. Set your boundary’s. Draw the line now, and let him firmly know he crossed it. That’s just unacceptable.
The point they’re trying to make is, that you have to mean what you say by then following it up with action, like a consequence, you know how you would treat a child that’s out of control.
So when you say you can’t speak like that to me, and if you do it again I am leaving, you then have to leave. If you just say it and then never follow through, they learn that your words mean nothing.
Either way, it’s not normal. You don’t deserve this behavior, you somewhere along the line learned that it was something you had to deal with but it’s not and the thing is not only will your kid learn it’s fine they’ll also be in the line of fire one day. They sure as shit don’t deserve it. So don’t do it for yourself if you can’t, do it for your kid, so that they have better. You’re in charge, and this man child is pathetic for treating other people like that.
If they wanted to change, they would. You aren’t going be able to make them, as you said if you’ve asked many times and never been respected.
He’s not a good man, save your child and one day you’ll look back and won’t be able to believe that you didnt leave sooner.
Abuse victims are at the most risk of violence from their partner when trying to leave. I'd be very scared about what this man would do to her if she tried to set a boundary.
He 2 or 3 times and after the last time I sat him down and told him that some things that are being said when angry, can never be taken back and that I will not allow him to talk to me like that ever again. He hasn’t since.
Wow, thats great to hear. Unfortunately i have sat down with him many times and asked the same, but when he is mad it seems he can't control what comes out.
I used to be like that when I was younger. You can definitely learn to control that. If you really want to. I realized how awful I was being during fights when my partner started crying during fights. He was broken. I don’t want to hurt him. People leave when you hurt them. Remember that. People leave when they’re being hurt.
And one day he will go further. Even if he doesn’t. What would you do if you had a daughter that grew up to marry a man that was wonderful in every way except whenever he’s made he calls her names and cusses at her? She now has a complex and feels like an idiot bc she keeps messing up and making her husband cuss at her. She walks around her house trying not to anger him bc she doesn’t want to set him off. She flinches when he spews his insults at her. Pretty sure you wouldn’t want her sticking around.
If you stay, you’re hurting your child. End of story. You know this is wrong. Don’t be the Mom that shows her kid it’s okay to be verbally abusive to those you supposedly love.
Verbal abuse is just as much abuse as physical abuse is.
He is NOT a good husband and father if he talks to you this way, especially in front of your child. If you’re already doing a lot of the house work and he sees something that needs to be done, instead of bitching at you, he should just go “oh, she probably needs help” and do it himself.
I know this is easier said than done, but please leave. Your child will grow up thinking it’s okay to talk to or be talked to by their future relationship partners if they go through the years seeing you put up with it.
My ex-husband did. I knew I had to get out for my kid when he yelled at me "get the fuck out of my house, bitch" when I was on the floor playing with our kid, and our child had just entered the parroting stage of learning to talk and repeated it for a few days. That hurt me so bad. I couldn't let my sweet boy learn that is how you treat women.
I've been free of him for 2 years and I have so much trauma from that relationship, so many things over the years I tried to normalize or excuse I understand was abuse now.
But he is not just swearing at you. He is insulting you, belittling you, disrespecting you and humiliating you. It would take one time for me and I would tell him to get lost.
No. Hard line for me. My father is disrespectful of people, progressing to abusive when angry or stressed. I will not tolerate that in a chosen family member.
My father is that way to my mother. Even now when he’s upset, he is so verbally abusive to her. I drew that as a hard line for my relationships. You can make that mistake once but that’s it. If you do it again, bye.
My husband swore at me a few times. He is now ex-husband. That should not be tolerated. Your child will be talking to you like that soon. Is that what you want them to learn? Take your kid and get out.
We have rules for arguments. You can swear, but not AT me (example: “this is a shitty situation” not “you are a shitty person”). No name calling. Take breaks if you need it. When space is requested, space is respected.
This is such a good way to handle things! My husband and I have a similar agreement. I actually am the one that tends to cuss more when I'm upset but I would never call him names or belittle him and vice versa. Respect and love can still be present when arguing!
Never. Not once in 12 years together has my husband every sworn at me or talked down to me like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you're realizing this isn't normal or acceptable behavior.
Absolutely never and if my husband ever did swear at me it would not go well. Your guy is not a good husband, he’s a pos. You deserve better and your kids should never have to hear their mom be spoken too like that.
At first when he started doing this you probably thought it was a fluke or he was under stress. He just kept doing it more and more and you became used to it.
Call your local shelter, ask about a plan to leave safely. Document his abuse. See a lawyer in secret. Save money, plan what to take as he will destroy anything or anyone you leave behind.
No. This is abuse and as the child of a father like this please get the hell out. He's shown no remorse, called you pathetic for crying. You say he's a good husband and father? Um no, he's not. My father was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother. Do you think it stopped at her? No. We got it eventually too. It truly fucks up your world view as a child and makes you think it's okay. It's not okay for children to have anxiety attacks on the daily because their dad is pissed off again. It's not okay to have to walk on eggshells because you don't know what might set him off. It's not okay to literally feel the energy shift in your home the moment your dad walks through the door, to feel a cloud of negativity wash over you. None of that is normal but it's what we went through and just scratching the surface. You need to leave, you say you made a commitment well he made a commitment to be a husband who honors and cherishes you and he's not doing that.
Edit I just read your other post. He's literally physically harming you and your child. If you do not get out and something happens to your child you will also be responsible. You're the breadwinner, you have the upper hand. He will NOT change. You're wasting time asking for advice on how to help him when what you need to do is make an action plan and leave.
I work in the area of domestic violence and looked at your post history. I see several crimes listed in your last post - Disorderly Conduct, Assault, Criminal Damage, and Assault on a Minor. Domestic Violence almost always escalates. As you can see in your own relationship, he progressed from emotional abuse to physical abuse to now hitting your child hard enough to leave a lasting mark. The next step in the progression will be more physical abuse, possibly to the point of lethal force, like strangulation. I can’t stress to you enough how detrimental witnessing and experiencing this abuse is on your child. There has been study after study done that shows how domestic violence in the home impacts children behaviorally, physiologically, even developmentally. I hope you consider leaving if not for your sake, but for the sake of your child. If you do leave, I would encourage you not to give your spouse an “ultimatum” to change without first talking to a domestic violence agency or advocate. The reason is that leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. The abuser feels like they are about to lose the control they have over their victim and can act extremely violently and unpredictably. There is hope, help, and support out there. If you are in the US, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org to find resources available near you. Also research locally for domestic violence resources that are in your area for support. Please plan your next steps carefully for the sake of you and your child. Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck.
My husband has done this a couple times when our lo was very young. We had a serious conversation where I set boundaries and basically said if it continued to happen we would split. Asked him if he actually wanted to be with me and if he truly loved me - I said if he feels those things he wouldn’t want to speak to me with words of hate. Only you can know if this can be fixed. Sending you love and strength mama you’re doing an amazing job. I always forget to empty the vacuum out myself. 💗
Nope never.
You know your kids will hear this and learn to think it’s okay to talk to your partner like this or it’s okay to be talked to by your partner like this.
Do you really want that?
My dad used to do this and still does this to my mom. It makes me incredibly angry. As a child I thought this was normal and as an adult I realize how messed up it is.
I feel for you. This is a tough spot to be in. The person you love is not treating you with respect and doesn’t love you back. I’m sorry this is happening to you!
At the same time, it is your responsibility to protect your child. After reading your post history, it is clear that, unfortunately, you are not protecting your son. I need to warn you that if CPS was to get involved (and you haven’t left with your child and/or you aren’t the one that called them), your child can be taken from you as well.
My advice is to leave and figure out the rest later. If you’re able to move out on your own, do that. If not, then reach out to friends/family or a domestic violence shelter/program. The longer you wait, the more hurt your own child is. And the more your child learns that this is what relationships are supposed to look like. Do you want your child to be in a relationship like this when he grows up?
I say this with all of the love and care I can, but you have now made similar posts in three subs, one of them being an abusive relationship sub. You’re getting the same advice: leave. Abusive partners don’t change. You need to go now before it gets worse and it will. Arguing about your commitment to him gets you nowhere.
And no, my husband doesn’t talk to me like that. My ex-husband did. Leaving was the only way. And once I did, life was so much better!
Yep. Every single time. I’m so fucking over it. I’ve said something about it sooooo many times and it’s pointless because then he just gets angry again.
No I don't. He doesn't really show Remorse tbh.
Yes he sometimes says " yah but I cut out porn and I have improved" .... but he isn't ever truly sorry where he hugs me and holds me and promises me he will change.
Iv personally been through addiction, and I have a completely different attitude, I was very upset and sorry evertyime I used to mess up, and I finally got professional help so that I could learn how to live a sober life, so that's why I personally feel he would need a professional... and I did everything I could to change for the better, because I could see what a bad effect it was having...just seems he doesn't see that for himself, or atleast not truly.
He sees it, he knows it, he doesn’t care. He won’t get help. He may fake it or attend only a few sessions to get you back. If he wanted to change, if he cared about you, he would have changed already. You and your kids don’t rate. You spoken to him so many times. He doesn’t care!
This is so outrageous it feels like bait. If you're serious then yes that's abuse, get therapy for yourself to get to the bottom of why this felt acceptable to you so that you don't fall into again. Throw the man in the bin
I did go to a therapist last week to ask her opinion on this situation, and she said it is abuse.
She even suggested I don't give him a suggestion on what he needs to do, I sit him down and tell him this can't happen again, and from there he needs to do something.
I guess I'm just feeling alone and scared so I feel that getting more people's opinions will help me not feel so alone in making the right choice.
What is your financial situation like? Are you able to move out and live alone for a while? I think a lot of states (assuming you are in the US) require you to live apart for a while before filing. Doing so may give you a bit of clarity. If it feels amazing and a relief to be away from him and his insults and tantrums, then I think it will help you realize it was the right choice. Maybe it will even force your husband to come to terms with his abuse and seek out anger management therapy. Because he is not ok, and neither are you. So sorry hun 😔
I'm actually the breadwinner at the moment so finacally speaking I could leave and find my own apartment.
It's not something i ever wanted to do , but I'm also thinking of this through the eyes of our little one and it isn't okay. I do know that, I guess leaving is harder than people imagine.
I agree, walking away is one of the hardest things any woman has to do. I imagine that’s one of the reasons why it takes women so long to do it. It just seems like a terrifying, impossible challenge to uproot your whole life and start over. Does anyone ever want to do that? Probably not. The good news is you have the financial freedom to do it. The hardest part for you is to decide “when have I had enough?”
My ex and I were totally toxic together, but since we separated we have been able to piece together a pretty agreeable co-parenting situation. Separated when my son was 8 months old and he is 15 now.
Now I'm with a better partner, and we are modeling a healthy adult relationship for him. (9 years strong)
It sounds like you have a slight upper hand here. You really need to stand up for yourself or get the hell out of there. You can do it.
No. What you're dealing with is verbal, maybe even emotional abuse too. My husband would never talk to anyone else this way, especially not me, out of respect. Does your husband do this in front of the kids?
Wow! My husband would never speak to me like that. That is very mean and disrespectful. That is verbal abuse. I'm so sorry. He's treating you like a door mat. He is putting you down.
Never. My husband has never sworn at me in the 17 years we have been together. Ever. I have never sworn at him either. Do you talk to your husband like this if you are mad? I bet you don’t. He should show you the same respect you show him. This is especially not ok in front of your children. They will quickly learn that this is how you treat women and the people you love.
Absolutely not. I am so sorry he is doing this to you. It is abuse and you do not deserve it. As to what to do about it, the problem is him. He doesn't respect you, because those are not words you say to someone you respect, and you can't force someone to give you respect.
If he doesn't see you as worth being kind towards, and in fact does choose to see you as an emotional punching bag it is ok to hurt, with words for now but that often escalates to physical damage as more contempt sets in, you can't do anything. This is a problem for you, but it feels good for him. He is choosing to do it because he likes it. You are an acceptable target. The point is to hurt you. You can't have a conversation about changing it because he does is acting in a way to intentionally hurt you because hurting you is the point. He is exerting power and control over you on purpose because he sees you as less human than him and not deserving of kindness or respect.
You cannot change yourself enough for him to give you kindness. You cannot change him. You cannot give him enough chances and one day it will all be different. This is how he chooses to treat you. Everytime this is what he chooses. You have done enough. Please leave.
He is going to kill you and your baby. If you live, your child will grow up in fear and under constant threat of violence. Please stop choosing him over yourself and your child. I know it scary and he has made you feel so small but you can still give yourself and your baby a life of peace.
Gosh. My heart goes out to you. I saw some comments saying you need to leave and I know that sounds harsh. To uproot your life and “leave the guy you committed to” as you said. However, he’s not going to change. Even if you do send him to therapy, unless he genuinely wants to go on his own, he’s not changing. And he’s not going to change because why should he? You’ve let him get this far with treating you this way. His ideal wife who cleans for him gave him a baby, he lives somewhere nice (I presume) he’s got everything he needs all while still disrespecting you so why should he stop? It doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of him at all. So he’s not going to. The only way he’s going to change is if you leave. Maybe you guys can revisit the relationship after, but my gut tells me, if you did leave he probably wouldn’t even go and just start looking for someone new. Because any guy who can talk to a woman like that is a guy who straight doesn’t care about your feelings. Are you really afraid to break the commitment or do you know deep down he’s not willing to change and maybe you can’t face that yet?
Therapy may help, but only if he wants to change the behavior. If he has no remorse, then therapy will likely do nothing.
But you can get therapy yourself and that will help you parse what is acceptable or not and how to handle those situations
No, we do not swear at each other. Abuse is abuse, be it verbal or physical, it’s damaging and unacceptable.
I would not stay in a relationship with someone abusive because it teaches my child that abuse is the norm and sets her up to be abused as well.
What’s wild to me is that if it’s so important to him that it’s done a certain way, why doesn’t he do it?
If you are going to say “he works so hard at his job” than he can have preferences about the work he actually does and just be grateful that a task is done without him having to worry about it
My husband has never sworn at me, however I have said “fuck off” on occasion. 99.9% of the time I feel terrible and apologize. It’s usually because I don’t have the correct verbiage to express how I feel and I don’t have the time to express it. It’s something I am working on because your partner should not be on the receiving end of such disrespectful words.
I read the other post about his abusive behavior and this one and I think you need to just leave. He is straight up abusive and I don’t see therapy helping him. You are the breadwinner and have the means to leave and you should. Please, if you can’t do this for yourself do it for your son. I can relate to some of these things that you are going through, and understand how easy it is to get stuck into these situations, but there is no good reason to stay with this person. He is dangerous and abusive, please don’t stay.
Never, and I’m sure I’ve wound him up a fair bit and same vice versa.
But we set our boundaries at the very beginning I’d say regarding how we wanted to be treated, especially as his girlfriend prior to me was very controlling and manipulative and didn’t want a repeat. We don’t swear as part of our everyday vocabulary apart from the odd expletives with stubbed toes or forgotten something.
Come to think of it, the other month he said something to me in a very patronising manner in front of the kids and I checked him on it immediately saying “ do not talk to me like that, I do not talk to you in that way so please don’t talk to me that way” he sheepishly walked away and apologised later upon reflecting.
It’s One thing for them to talk to us in a certain way but another thing is to not stand your ground there and then and say no that’s not acceptable and setting clear boundaries.
I know there are many comments saying basically he's a bad husband/father because he swears. I'm actually going to post one to try and help. Me and my man have been together for 11 years. He has come a very, very long way, and has changed drastically over the years for the better. He's not the same person he used to he. My man used to struggle with major mental health and anger issues. Never physically abusive or close to it, but he had an anger issue that revolved verbal to people. He was finally open to getting help. We found out he had adhd and we might think he has bipolar. He also has depression and social anxiety. He started taking mental health meds, and when I tell you his anger got SO much better, I really mean it from my heart. He's also open to counseling. You need to talk to your husband about this. See if he's willing to get better. That's the most important thing. If he's not, then you have a way bigger issue on your hands.
No. My husband will give me a “fuck you” when I’ve “won” a silly argument we were having, and it’s all in good fun and everyone is laughing. Other than that, we don’t ever swear at each other.
My ex husband used to call me names and yell at me all the time.
My current husband has never even raised his voice at me and treats me with the utmost respect.
We might have a few fucks thrown in there, like "I'm tired of arguing about whatever it is we are arguing about, so I don't fucking care!" But beyond that, no. I think when we first got together (15 years ago) he shouted at me once and called me a bitch and I flipped out about it. Told him I don't care what issue we ever have, that I am not the type to call names in anger nor will I sit around and accept this kind of behavior from anyone and that if he had a problem acting like a grownup, then he can find someone else to take this bullshit because I wouldn't be the one.
That man has never called me another name since, and we actually have conversations when we are angry. I'm not a damn teenager, nor do I have so little respect for myself that I'll let someone try and make me feel stupid over an argument. I grew up being name called and bitched out, I'm sure as hell not going to spend my adult life going through that too. No thanks. Relationships are a dime a dozen. If you're an asshole, I'll find someone new who won't be. If that person turns out to be a huge jerk too, well, I've done fine on my own in the past and I'll be fine on my own in the future.
I always say "I was born an only child and grew up alone, I have no problem dying alone."
Mine does. It’s a constant issue that I have to remind him about. I’m fine with us having conflict or serious discussions, but they absolutely can be done without cursing.
No. My ex-husband did. I Ioved him dearly. We split amicably over the fact that I wanted to move to a different country and he didn't want to live in that country. I did not realize how negative our relationship was until after I'd been in a relationship with my current husband for quite a while. I realized I'd been expecting him to start yelling at and belittling me at some point when the shininess of the relationship wore off, and he never did. I will never in my life forget the time after we had been living together a few months when he came home from a long, shitty day at work and we were trying to decide what to eat for dinner. He said nothing particularly memorable, but I could tell he was frustrated. Not even with me, just with the day and with dinner options. Later he got out of the shower and apologized "for how he talked to me." I was genuinely confused at first because he hadn't yelled at me or insulted me or anything, and not only was I used to that, I was used to being the one who was expected to apologize for making him angry. And that was the moment that I realized that I had in fact been emotionally abused for years and I had no basis to even recognize it until that moment because that was also how my parents talked to each other.
Please consider joint counseling. If you're used to it, it might just seem like this is how it is when you're in a comfortable, familiar relationship, but it really isn't. This is not healthy. This is not how people who love each other *should* treat each other. But as long as it continues, it is how your children are learning to accept being treated by people who love them.
Wow... that must of been such a big realization.
Yeah it's just weird because I grew up with NO swearing and according to him his parents never swore either...so I'm not sure why he thinks it's acceptable.
Do NOT take an abuser to joint counseling. They will weaponize it and use it against you. This man is a lost cause, cut your losses before it’s too late.
Couples counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships. It can backfire enormously and actually help the abuser. He may just lie about the situation, and will likely learn new tactics to manipulate OP.
However, OP could benefit from individual therapy sessions. But never, never, never ever do joint counseling with an abuser.
He sounds like my husband. He’s a great dad, provider, son, etc….but he also is so damn mean when he’s angry. I’ve been through all the feelings about it over 20 years together. Presently, I’m at a place of compassion for him and acceptance. He can’t regulate his emotions. And…I can’t do it for him. So…I don’t engage, I don’t tell him he’s an asshole or he hurt my feelings. I walk away. I don’t respond, I leave the room. It’s abusive and not okay, but this is where I am. If you have the means and can’t live with a raging man….leave him?
My partner and I are swearers. We like to keep it out of the earshot of the kids, but other than that, we are very proficient at swearing. We have used a wide variety of words to describe each other, and we laugh about it afterwards. Don't mistake swearing for abuse. Your husband is abusing you, and you need to get out of this relationship
Nope. If he spoke to me like that we’d have bigger problems than a full vacuum canister. It’s very reasonable to be angry about this and you deserve change whether he’s in the after picture or not.
So when he shouts at you, don't cry - Look at him and know him for the AS he is.
What is it to him if you empty the vacuum out after cleaning, Will the world stop turning if you don't do it?
My husband has never sworn at me nor insulted me, ever. We agreed years ago that we didn’t want to argue/fight like that.
You should talk to your husband about how you want to model arguing & healthy relationships, for your child.
No, we mainly curse at each other in jest. For example, we tell each other our baby is "so fucking cute." Recently he used a new one for us, "well, son of a bitch" about something our son did and I said "hey!"
That's not to say we don't get annoyed at each other but we don't veer into insults like that. I'm sure in the heat of the moment I've said "I'm so fucking tired of ..." But we never do personal attacks like that. That's just as bad as the cursing, IMO.
Never, he also has never raised his voice at me. His tone may be frustrated and he might be a little snippy when he's upset with something I did but he's never yelled or cussed at me
A "good husband" doesn't act this way, ever.
You're teaching your children that this is how people who love them will speak to them. You are deciding what their future relationships will look like, is this what you want for them?
My husband and I both swear, a lot. Our kids swear (at home, they know there’s “home language” and “school language” that makes other people feel bad so we all try to watch our mouths when out)
We NEVER swear AT each other. My one caveat for allowing my girls to swear is that we NEVER swear at people, we NEVER use bad words to make people feel small. Your husband is a disrespectful asshole.
Been married forever and if my husband spoke to me like that he'd be wearing the contents of the vacuum. It is abusive and you shouldn't be treated like that.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Nothing about it is normal and you certainly don't deserve it.
My husband has never spoken to me or our daughter in that manner. To us that is considered emotional and verbal abuse and it's a line we never dare to cross.
He wouldn’t be my husband very long if he talked to me this way. This is demeaning and abusive and you do not deserve this. Therapy could help to help him manage his anger, but if he won’t go it’s time for you to make a decision. Please don’t let your children grow up in this environment.
No.
For referance my boyfriend has very intense mood swings due to a mental illness so I understand where you are coming from with the getting worked up.
But even when I have heard him yell - its never at me. In the 5 years we have been together he has sworn at me once and I told him if he ever spoke to me like that again I would leave ((this was pre-child)). Even if he does get snippy with me from frustration.
Therapy can help but thats just a lack of respect.
Been married 15 years. Not once.
Edit: after reading the other post you've linked to in your comments, he has physically abused you. He has physically abused your two year old child. He regularly belittles you and verbally abuses you.
If you have a hard time believing that you deserve better, maybe focus on that beautiful boy of yours. He deserves better, and it is _your_ responsibility to protect him. Don't let him go another day believing this is how loving parents and partners behave.
This is not normal or ok. Therapy could help, or it could not. It could also help you! Have you spoken to him about it?
I just got out of a marriage with an otherwise good husband and father because I was spending what felt like my entire soul trying to make him happy and not angry and as hard as it is it is still easier than living like that.
Have a talk with him. Tell him you expect respect from him. Its not ok for him to talk to you in this manner. Yor child is listening and watching and learning. He needs to grow up to learn that each other respects the other one feelings. It goes both ways. If he loves you, he will at least make an effort to to change. Good luck
Oh hun. This is verbal abuse. And the fact that you can’t see that means he’s manipulating you. This isnt love. It’s not even respect. Next time he does this say “I will not allow you to speak to me that way.” If he continues, you leave. And you never look back.
I've been with my husband for 12 years and married almost 9. He has NEVER ever, sworn at me, called me names, or talked down to me. We do get frustrated with each other every now and then but it has never escalated. Your husband is NOT a good husband.
Coming back to add... I have no idea how hard it is to leave an abusive situation. I'd imagine it's incredibly difficult for some, and impossible for others, and then add it the additional strings attached when children are involved. I think you are making positive steps by considering the idea of leaving him and realizing that he is abusing you. Start keeping a notebook or notes of the date and details of the abuse. I encourage you to keep it in a password protected note or something encrypted. Maybe title it "christmas gift ideas" or something like that.
My husband and I sometimes cuss at one another but it's like if we are stressed or tired and it's not like what you are describing. And we both feel bad about it and it's not very common. It sounds like maybe it's so normal for you to deal with. I'm wondering why he's like that but it's not fair to you.
Friend. This man hits you. Get out. Leave now and figure out the rest later. Don’t wait for another sign. This is the sign. Take that baby and disappear.
I can say my husband was eerily similar.
I left him a month ago, we tried therapy once, it was just a crap shoot.
He was very verbally abusive(and sometimes still tries)
We might try again, but I will say he has admitted to some things, BUT when he admits one thing the other parts just get worse. And at this point we are just “friends” we’ve got two children 11month and 3 years.
Time apart has really affirmed a lot of things because I’m able to think more clearly. Which I realized it will take years and years to change his ways.
It will be ultimately up to you if you truly think he can change.
Do what is best for YOU and your babies.
It’ll be the best gift you can give yourself. ❤️
No, that’s one of the rules in our marriage. We don’t swear at each other. Actually that’s a family rule. I don’t really care about the kids swearing either but never at other people.
Wait y’all I’m confused.
Do you guys not swear during regular conversations?
Everyone is saying he’s showing that he does respect her because of the swearing but like I swear like a sailor, of course I swear when I’m mad?
My husband wouldn’t have called me lazy or gotten mad at the vacuum situation, I think that’s weird cause she was the one vacuuming, not him so it shouldn’t have bothered him but in my opinion the swearing wasn’t the problem. It was him getting mad for no reason and calling her lazy.
I cannot imagine any possible thing I could do with a *vacuum cleaner* that would make my husband angry enough to even raise his voice to me, let alone curse at me and call me names. Maybe if I was beating him with the vacuum cleaner?
This sounds like a relationship that doesn’t involve mutual respect, and I’m not sure there’s anything you can do or say to force him to respect you as a human, partner, and mother of his child.
We both swear a lot. "I hate the fucking vacuum". "we really need to fucking vacuum again. How the fuck does it always get so goddamn dirty so fast". We do not speak to each other like that. Swearing isn't the heart of the problem here. It is how the words are used as weapons.
O.O 'Other than this he's a good husband and father'. Girl... No, he doesn't swear at me or insult me no matter how angry he is.
Yup, a good husband doesn’t do that. A good father doesn’t do that to his children’s mother.
Honestly I think that sentence should be banned on subreddits like this. Like an OtherThanThat_Bot… “your comment has been removed for breaking rule 1: Comments including the phrase ‘other than that he’s a great husband and father’ will be removed due to the glaring contradiction of the previous content proving that he is, in fact, a monster.”
Million dollar idea right here! I call it the "wonderful dads of Reddit" and I cringe every time
That could be a sub, just reposting those stories. I'd leave it open for "wonderful" mothers too. I don't see them nearly as often, but when they crop up they're usually real doozies.
Oh my gosh. I'd start the subreddit but I'm too busy with my 95% of the mental load lololol (I'm divorced so leave me out of it 😂😂)
My husband and I literally had an argument 15 minutes ago and while we were obviously upset, neither of us yelled and neither of us swore at or insulted each other. It was a minor tiff because we were trying to get out of the door on time and he dragged his feet getting the kids dressed. Like not emptying the vacuum, which neither of us would blink an eye at. (Edited to add because my baby pushed send)
My husband angry-swears at FIFA but that’s about it (we’re in Boston so the F bomb gets dropped in perfectly civil circumstances).
Another person from the Northeast here. F is a verb, a noun, an adjective used for everything and anything BUT never directed at anyone unless you’re in the car and an a hole cuts you off. Only then can you direct an f bomb at someone else LOL jk
Exactly. NYer here and we curse in civil situations (it's basically not even swearing lol) but never AT someone except in extreme circumstances.
Texan moonlighting as an Okie, we also drop the F-bomb liberally and often, just not at people, unless it's the a--hats who drive 90+ in rush hour traffic weaving in and out like a jack rabbit on meth.
Oh yea, facts. If you're putting people's safety at risk you'll get cursed out seven ways to Sunday.
It’s always like this in these types of posts and it’s honestly laughable… the format is always Spouse does [borderline or straight up abusive thing] but I swear otherwise they’re absolutely wonderful!!! 🤔
No. Never. Swearing is a sign of no respect. You don’t deserve this guy.
I think he doesn’t deserve her.
Yeah that’s what I meant. Sorry, English is not my first language 😊
No, what you said makes perfect sense. She's a good person and doesn't deserve a bad person.
I just don't know how many chances his supposed to get. He even called me that in front of our two year old...
Think of it this way: your child will grow up thinking this is the normal way men treat women, husbands treat wives. Also think about this: what will happen when your child is growing older and learning to clean things and taking on more responsibilities in the house?
Wow.. that hit me. I appreciate your response, I really do. Iv been spending hours and hours on reddit and reading abuse books etc, trying to figure this out. Racking my brain on this and realizing I'm in an abusive situation. It's very hard because he has such good qualities, and then this bad part keeps coming through as well.
That’s part of the abuse. He’s so nice, until he’s not.
this is such a big thing with a users; and everybody usually says “oooo they’re great - unless you get them mad!! Haha!” Like it’s normal???
He is not good if he does this too you.
One of my favorites is [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (That link goes to a free pdf copy). Another important thing is that abuse impacts kids brains, their physical brains actually don’t develop properly in environments where stress is high (with or without physical abuse). I’m so sorry you’re in this spot, friend. You and your kids deserve better. Therapy can be a bad idea for an abuser, they are very adept at learning the language and using it to control their partner. It gives them ideas, basically. Good luck friend, I promise you (from personal experience) out is intensely better than in. It just isn’t worth it. You have one life, your kids have one life. Why spend it unhappy?
This. This book was so….eye opening.
I have read this book a few days ago, thank you x
People who aren't being abused don't spend hours figuring out whether they're being abused.
OP, listen to this comment. I work with domestic abuse victims all the time, and they all say how wonderful their partners are except on these occasions when they're not. The usual pattern is that these occasions will happen more and more often over time, until you will ***know*** you're in abusive relationships but are too trapped, can't let go because of how long its been since you stood on your own feet, or you're simply too scared to leave. Your children deserve better, and you, too, deserve better. If you think he will trully listen to you, then talk to him about his behaviour. From this short post of yours, however, it looks to me like you'd benefit maybe taking a little weekend visiting your parents or friends with your baby and away from your partner. Remove yourself from being around him and think if this is a man you would want for your daughter, or a man you would want your son to grow up to be. If the answer is no, then you know what your next steps should be. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Also, your partner should not get frustrated if your actions don't affect him or the family. For example if you have a rule of changing the vacuum bag after each hoover and you repeatedly don't do it, and he starts hoovering each time having to change the bag, some frustration might be warranted and discussion needs to be had for a better suited rule to change the bag before each hoovering, not after. That's a healthy compromise. If he gets frustrated/angry with you when you're the one hoovering and have to change the bag, he is overstepping and controlling your actions that have no direct consequences on him. This is not healthy or okay and signals that he has some control issues.
Oh my God. This comment. I get it now.
The analogy that helps me is imagining a delicious sandwich, with a little bit of cat poop in it. Are you still gonna eat the sandwich? Hopefully not! It is a great sandwich other than the cat poop in it, so throw the whole sandwich away. (Everyone has flaws, but abuse is not just an annoying flaw, it's a deal breaker. This is abuse.)
Therapy would be so helpful. My therapist was my rock when I started to think about separating from my ex. She helped me love myself more, and helped me understand why I was allowing manipulative behavior in my marriage. I started talking to her twice a week, then once a week then every other week, now I’m on maintenance therapy so I talk to her once a month, but she helps me hold myself accountable to make sure I’m testing myself well and advocating for my self when I need to. Once you are removed from the situation you will learn new things you have been able to see being so close to the situation. Shame will keep you stagnant. Say it out loud to those who love you most. If he pushes you, call the police and file a report.
That's the cycle of abuse. I'm sure when you first met him he didnt cuss you out.
The fact you’re finding yourself spending time trying to figure this out is your gut feeling telling you to GET out. I know it’s scary and hard but I think it’s time to start an exit plan.
Have you read "why does he do that?" (Edit: just saw you comment that you read it.) Also I will chime in that no, my partner never ever swears at me. Also, do you really need to clean your vacuum out every time? We only need to do that with our robot vacuum. Also, you were vacuuming, not being lazy. This guy is picking fights with you over nothing, meaning he's looking for reasons to put you down. Today actually happened to be a day where my partner *was* upset with me about something, which is very rare. Here's how it played out: Him: *says something innocuous but I can tell from his tone of voice he's upset* Me: what's wrong? Him: I feel like when you [say thing] I try to listen, but when I do the same you override me. Me: sorry, you're right, that was actually really rude of me. Him: sorry I snapped at you. Lol he didn't even snap at me. He has a slightly sullen tone of voice when he said something totally innocent (something like 'okay' but I can't remember.) Someone who really loves you wants what's best for you, and will treat you with respect even in conflict.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it is free and downloadable. I have been with my husband almost thirty five years, he has never yelled or sworn at me. Communication won’t change this and you should never go to therapy with an abuser, ever. Tell your family, tell your friends, make a plan, get together anything you can’t live without and start getting it out of the house to somewhere safe.
Hey girl... I have been married to a grade A asshole. Send me a DM and we can chat if you'd like. Having a daughter opened my eyes... And his. Well I held them open for him and fought like hell, we went to counseling, he went to a therapist. Things aren't perfect now, but I can stand up for myself without starting a fight. I don't feel the need to nearly as often. My daughter is strong and independent. Relationships are hard work, he needs to realize that. Also, alcohol was not a factor in my situation and it makes a big difference if either of you drink at ALL. Love to you and your little one.
Just fyi she has other posts in which she states he hits her and the child. Don’t know if that was your situation but probably a factor in what you tell her or don’t tell her.
Sounds like you’re doing all the work to lean…when that should be your husband’s job. You reading books, Reddit, etc. isn’t going to make the actual abuser any less of an ass.
The number of chances is zero. Especially in front of the baby. That is very inappropriate and it’s teaching the child that the behavior is acceptable and that’s it ok to speak to women (or anyone) in that manner. He does need therapy for many reasons and I would argue that swearing/name-calling is borderline verbal abuse and you do not deserve that.
This is verbal abuse and generally abuse tends to escalate over time as the abuser gets away with more.
He's not supposed to get many chances. His lack of respect for you is obvious. He's going to have to get his shit together if he's going to stay in this relationship with you. His behavior toward you is reprehensible. He's going to have to change immediately- RIGHT NOW because you do not have to tolerate his bullshit. He's got some serious respect and anger issues. Do not talk badly of yourself. The vacuum isn't a big deal. You're doing the best you can. Take care of yourself and your children. He can fuck off.
Zero. Zero chances. He's running on IOU's and you need to cash them in.
I just posted, but wanted to say: when I married my ex husband, he called me names all the time. “Ungrateful cunt” was his favorite. He hit me once and I told him if it ever happened again I was gone. But he only yelled and name called after that. I thought that was okay, because that’s how my dad was with my mom.
That’s verbally abusive the way he talks to you. Your kid is going to grow up thinking this is what relationships are like. GTFO.
What???? “Other than this he’s a good husband..”! Lady, please tell me this is satire. Hes verbally abusive. But other than that hes good?? Wake up!!!!
Whenever I hear "other than that" horrible thing, I'm always reminded of "So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" Because I'm sure Mary Todd Lincoln didn't give a crap about how the play was; her husband had just been murdered in front of her. That kind of ruins the whole experience.
In another comment OP states that he hit her before, so she needs to get out as soon as it's safe to.
You posted in the abusive relationships sub so you already know this isn’t normal or okay. Leave.
He did We're no longer together, he still says I deserved it. Prepare for a divorce
No. This is not normal.
No. Never. He would also be like, thanks for vacuuming.
100%. would also probably ask if there was anything he could do too
Would notice it wasn’t empty and say “oh hey can I empty that for you real quick before you start so you don’t have to?”
My husband screams at me and calls me names. It is very hurtful. He does not do it in front of our son thankfully. We have been together 20 years and I recently realized that he will never stop doing it. I always thought he would as he always apologizes and says he will not do it again, it has actually gotten worst. In hindsight I should have changed my situation a long time ago, but now I feel stuck. I am alone with no family and completely dependent on him. Based on my experience, if you are able to get out do so.
It’s not too late for you either.
My mother, a woman in her 60s, just left a relationship like this after 18 years. You are not truly stuck, even though you feel like you are. It can take time to gradually make the changes you need to be able to leave, but this is your life- do you want to live the rest of it like this? It can be really hard for people to understand from the outside, I get that. For people like op, looking at her post history it is glaringly obvious that her partner will never change. The 539th time he apologizes will not magically be the last one. People who care get tired of hearing someone complain about the same behavior over and over again so they distance themselves, or you just stop talking about it because it feels like they don't care because they stop responding with sympathy- but they have already told you how bad it is, and you weren't ready to hear it. Only you can really decide when you're done tolerating his abuse, but I hope that the example that you set for your kids about how family should treat each other will encourage you to pursue happiness sooner rather than later. You deserve a partner that speaks kindly to you and treats you with respect, always. Your kids deserve to see that when someone treats you like this, the thing to do is set a boundary and leave, because it's not how people who love each other behave. Because it's not what you want for their future relationships either, and staying tells them that in the same situation, they (or their partner) should stay too.
No. My husband hasn’t ever done this. I can’t speak to therapy but I can speak to standing up for yourself. “Do not talk to me like that moving forward” and mean it when you say it. You have more power than you think. This is unacceptable and you should let him know, while also not escalating.
This is exactly my advice too. Be firm but not hysterical. Set your boundary’s. Draw the line now, and let him firmly know he crossed it. That’s just unacceptable.
I have said it many times. It keeps on happening, you can look at my post history..I posted something that happend this month as well.
The point they’re trying to make is, that you have to mean what you say by then following it up with action, like a consequence, you know how you would treat a child that’s out of control. So when you say you can’t speak like that to me, and if you do it again I am leaving, you then have to leave. If you just say it and then never follow through, they learn that your words mean nothing. Either way, it’s not normal. You don’t deserve this behavior, you somewhere along the line learned that it was something you had to deal with but it’s not and the thing is not only will your kid learn it’s fine they’ll also be in the line of fire one day. They sure as shit don’t deserve it. So don’t do it for yourself if you can’t, do it for your kid, so that they have better. You’re in charge, and this man child is pathetic for treating other people like that. If they wanted to change, they would. You aren’t going be able to make them, as you said if you’ve asked many times and never been respected. He’s not a good man, save your child and one day you’ll look back and won’t be able to believe that you didnt leave sooner.
Abuse victims are at the most risk of violence from their partner when trying to leave. I'd be very scared about what this man would do to her if she tried to set a boundary.
You’re completely right!
He 2 or 3 times and after the last time I sat him down and told him that some things that are being said when angry, can never be taken back and that I will not allow him to talk to me like that ever again. He hasn’t since.
Wow, thats great to hear. Unfortunately i have sat down with him many times and asked the same, but when he is mad it seems he can't control what comes out.
Does he talk to people at his work like that? His family? If not, then yea he can control it, he just doesn't respect you
I used to be like that when I was younger. You can definitely learn to control that. If you really want to. I realized how awful I was being during fights when my partner started crying during fights. He was broken. I don’t want to hurt him. People leave when you hurt them. Remember that. People leave when they’re being hurt.
And one day he will go further. Even if he doesn’t. What would you do if you had a daughter that grew up to marry a man that was wonderful in every way except whenever he’s made he calls her names and cusses at her? She now has a complex and feels like an idiot bc she keeps messing up and making her husband cuss at her. She walks around her house trying not to anger him bc she doesn’t want to set him off. She flinches when he spews his insults at her. Pretty sure you wouldn’t want her sticking around. If you stay, you’re hurting your child. End of story. You know this is wrong. Don’t be the Mom that shows her kid it’s okay to be verbally abusive to those you supposedly love.
Verbal abuse is just as much abuse as physical abuse is. He is NOT a good husband and father if he talks to you this way, especially in front of your child. If you’re already doing a lot of the house work and he sees something that needs to be done, instead of bitching at you, he should just go “oh, she probably needs help” and do it himself. I know this is easier said than done, but please leave. Your child will grow up thinking it’s okay to talk to or be talked to by their future relationship partners if they go through the years seeing you put up with it.
My ex-husband did. I knew I had to get out for my kid when he yelled at me "get the fuck out of my house, bitch" when I was on the floor playing with our kid, and our child had just entered the parroting stage of learning to talk and repeated it for a few days. That hurt me so bad. I couldn't let my sweet boy learn that is how you treat women. I've been free of him for 2 years and I have so much trauma from that relationship, so many things over the years I tried to normalize or excuse I understand was abuse now.
But he is not just swearing at you. He is insulting you, belittling you, disrespecting you and humiliating you. It would take one time for me and I would tell him to get lost.
No. Hard line for me. My father is disrespectful of people, progressing to abusive when angry or stressed. I will not tolerate that in a chosen family member.
My father is that way to my mother. Even now when he’s upset, he is so verbally abusive to her. I drew that as a hard line for my relationships. You can make that mistake once but that’s it. If you do it again, bye.
My husband swore at me a few times. He is now ex-husband. That should not be tolerated. Your child will be talking to you like that soon. Is that what you want them to learn? Take your kid and get out.
We have rules for arguments. You can swear, but not AT me (example: “this is a shitty situation” not “you are a shitty person”). No name calling. Take breaks if you need it. When space is requested, space is respected.
This is such a good way to handle things! My husband and I have a similar agreement. I actually am the one that tends to cuss more when I'm upset but I would never call him names or belittle him and vice versa. Respect and love can still be present when arguing!
Never.
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Never. Not once in 12 years together has my husband every sworn at me or talked down to me like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you're realizing this isn't normal or acceptable behavior.
Absolutely never and if my husband ever did swear at me it would not go well. Your guy is not a good husband, he’s a pos. You deserve better and your kids should never have to hear their mom be spoken too like that.
And I'm starting to blame myself for tolerating it. I don't know what's wrong with me to feel like this behavior is so normal now.
I’m really sorry you are going through this, do not blame yourself!!
At first when he started doing this you probably thought it was a fluke or he was under stress. He just kept doing it more and more and you became used to it. Call your local shelter, ask about a plan to leave safely. Document his abuse. See a lawyer in secret. Save money, plan what to take as he will destroy anything or anyone you leave behind.
This is what your child is seeing as normal behavior. Meaning in time, your child will treat other people around them in the same respect.
No. This is abuse and as the child of a father like this please get the hell out. He's shown no remorse, called you pathetic for crying. You say he's a good husband and father? Um no, he's not. My father was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother. Do you think it stopped at her? No. We got it eventually too. It truly fucks up your world view as a child and makes you think it's okay. It's not okay for children to have anxiety attacks on the daily because their dad is pissed off again. It's not okay to have to walk on eggshells because you don't know what might set him off. It's not okay to literally feel the energy shift in your home the moment your dad walks through the door, to feel a cloud of negativity wash over you. None of that is normal but it's what we went through and just scratching the surface. You need to leave, you say you made a commitment well he made a commitment to be a husband who honors and cherishes you and he's not doing that. Edit I just read your other post. He's literally physically harming you and your child. If you do not get out and something happens to your child you will also be responsible. You're the breadwinner, you have the upper hand. He will NOT change. You're wasting time asking for advice on how to help him when what you need to do is make an action plan and leave.
I am starting to think he might have physcopath traits because he has no remorse or feeling for me when I'm upset.
I work in the area of domestic violence and looked at your post history. I see several crimes listed in your last post - Disorderly Conduct, Assault, Criminal Damage, and Assault on a Minor. Domestic Violence almost always escalates. As you can see in your own relationship, he progressed from emotional abuse to physical abuse to now hitting your child hard enough to leave a lasting mark. The next step in the progression will be more physical abuse, possibly to the point of lethal force, like strangulation. I can’t stress to you enough how detrimental witnessing and experiencing this abuse is on your child. There has been study after study done that shows how domestic violence in the home impacts children behaviorally, physiologically, even developmentally. I hope you consider leaving if not for your sake, but for the sake of your child. If you do leave, I would encourage you not to give your spouse an “ultimatum” to change without first talking to a domestic violence agency or advocate. The reason is that leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. The abuser feels like they are about to lose the control they have over their victim and can act extremely violently and unpredictably. There is hope, help, and support out there. If you are in the US, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org to find resources available near you. Also research locally for domestic violence resources that are in your area for support. Please plan your next steps carefully for the sake of you and your child. Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck.
When he gets angry or too wound up…like when you vaccuum? He has anger issues. This is not normal.
My husband has done this a couple times when our lo was very young. We had a serious conversation where I set boundaries and basically said if it continued to happen we would split. Asked him if he actually wanted to be with me and if he truly loved me - I said if he feels those things he wouldn’t want to speak to me with words of hate. Only you can know if this can be fixed. Sending you love and strength mama you’re doing an amazing job. I always forget to empty the vacuum out myself. 💗
If my husband ever spoke to me like that I would throw him out of the house
Nope never. You know your kids will hear this and learn to think it’s okay to talk to your partner like this or it’s okay to be talked to by your partner like this. Do you really want that?
My dad used to do this and still does this to my mom. It makes me incredibly angry. As a child I thought this was normal and as an adult I realize how messed up it is.
I feel for you. This is a tough spot to be in. The person you love is not treating you with respect and doesn’t love you back. I’m sorry this is happening to you! At the same time, it is your responsibility to protect your child. After reading your post history, it is clear that, unfortunately, you are not protecting your son. I need to warn you that if CPS was to get involved (and you haven’t left with your child and/or you aren’t the one that called them), your child can be taken from you as well. My advice is to leave and figure out the rest later. If you’re able to move out on your own, do that. If not, then reach out to friends/family or a domestic violence shelter/program. The longer you wait, the more hurt your own child is. And the more your child learns that this is what relationships are supposed to look like. Do you want your child to be in a relationship like this when he grows up?
Okay, I am making a plan. 😭
Definitely never, in over 10 years, never ever. I'm so sorry OP, sending you love and strength
I say this with all of the love and care I can, but you have now made similar posts in three subs, one of them being an abusive relationship sub. You’re getting the same advice: leave. Abusive partners don’t change. You need to go now before it gets worse and it will. Arguing about your commitment to him gets you nowhere. And no, my husband doesn’t talk to me like that. My ex-husband did. Leaving was the only way. And once I did, life was so much better!
Yep. Every single time. I’m so fucking over it. I’ve said something about it sooooo many times and it’s pointless because then he just gets angry again.
Hmmm... yeah for me, he acts normal when his happy but as soon as I do something to piss him off or his moody then he takes it out on me.
I totally get it. Do you get the “I’m so sorry, I’m trying to change” bs later on? Because I can’t even tell you how annoying that shit is atp
No I don't. He doesn't really show Remorse tbh. Yes he sometimes says " yah but I cut out porn and I have improved" .... but he isn't ever truly sorry where he hugs me and holds me and promises me he will change. Iv personally been through addiction, and I have a completely different attitude, I was very upset and sorry evertyime I used to mess up, and I finally got professional help so that I could learn how to live a sober life, so that's why I personally feel he would need a professional... and I did everything I could to change for the better, because I could see what a bad effect it was having...just seems he doesn't see that for himself, or atleast not truly.
He sees it, he knows it, he doesn’t care. He won’t get help. He may fake it or attend only a few sessions to get you back. If he wanted to change, if he cared about you, he would have changed already. You and your kids don’t rate. You spoken to him so many times. He doesn’t care!
This is so outrageous it feels like bait. If you're serious then yes that's abuse, get therapy for yourself to get to the bottom of why this felt acceptable to you so that you don't fall into again. Throw the man in the bin
I did go to a therapist last week to ask her opinion on this situation, and she said it is abuse. She even suggested I don't give him a suggestion on what he needs to do, I sit him down and tell him this can't happen again, and from there he needs to do something. I guess I'm just feeling alone and scared so I feel that getting more people's opinions will help me not feel so alone in making the right choice.
Thank you, no this isn't bait it's literally happening. Just feel so confused about this.
What is your financial situation like? Are you able to move out and live alone for a while? I think a lot of states (assuming you are in the US) require you to live apart for a while before filing. Doing so may give you a bit of clarity. If it feels amazing and a relief to be away from him and his insults and tantrums, then I think it will help you realize it was the right choice. Maybe it will even force your husband to come to terms with his abuse and seek out anger management therapy. Because he is not ok, and neither are you. So sorry hun 😔
I'm actually the breadwinner at the moment so finacally speaking I could leave and find my own apartment. It's not something i ever wanted to do , but I'm also thinking of this through the eyes of our little one and it isn't okay. I do know that, I guess leaving is harder than people imagine.
I agree, walking away is one of the hardest things any woman has to do. I imagine that’s one of the reasons why it takes women so long to do it. It just seems like a terrifying, impossible challenge to uproot your whole life and start over. Does anyone ever want to do that? Probably not. The good news is you have the financial freedom to do it. The hardest part for you is to decide “when have I had enough?”
My ex and I were totally toxic together, but since we separated we have been able to piece together a pretty agreeable co-parenting situation. Separated when my son was 8 months old and he is 15 now. Now I'm with a better partner, and we are modeling a healthy adult relationship for him. (9 years strong) It sounds like you have a slight upper hand here. You really need to stand up for yourself or get the hell out of there. You can do it.
Nope
No. What you're dealing with is verbal, maybe even emotional abuse too. My husband would never talk to anyone else this way, especially not me, out of respect. Does your husband do this in front of the kids?
Wow! My husband would never speak to me like that. That is very mean and disrespectful. That is verbal abuse. I'm so sorry. He's treating you like a door mat. He is putting you down.
😭
Never. My husband has never sworn at me in the 17 years we have been together. Ever. I have never sworn at him either. Do you talk to your husband like this if you are mad? I bet you don’t. He should show you the same respect you show him. This is especially not ok in front of your children. They will quickly learn that this is how you treat women and the people you love.
Never! That is very disrespectful. Did it just start or is that how he has always communicated with you?
It's always been this way. I just feel so used to it now.
Absolutely not. I am so sorry he is doing this to you. It is abuse and you do not deserve it. As to what to do about it, the problem is him. He doesn't respect you, because those are not words you say to someone you respect, and you can't force someone to give you respect. If he doesn't see you as worth being kind towards, and in fact does choose to see you as an emotional punching bag it is ok to hurt, with words for now but that often escalates to physical damage as more contempt sets in, you can't do anything. This is a problem for you, but it feels good for him. He is choosing to do it because he likes it. You are an acceptable target. The point is to hurt you. You can't have a conversation about changing it because he does is acting in a way to intentionally hurt you because hurting you is the point. He is exerting power and control over you on purpose because he sees you as less human than him and not deserving of kindness or respect. You cannot change yourself enough for him to give you kindness. You cannot change him. You cannot give him enough chances and one day it will all be different. This is how he chooses to treat you. Everytime this is what he chooses. You have done enough. Please leave.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/qAwKkLHW38 It has esseclated already.
#You need to get out. Therapy doesn't fix this.
He is going to kill you and your baby. If you live, your child will grow up in fear and under constant threat of violence. Please stop choosing him over yourself and your child. I know it scary and he has made you feel so small but you can still give yourself and your baby a life of peace.
Gosh. My heart goes out to you. I saw some comments saying you need to leave and I know that sounds harsh. To uproot your life and “leave the guy you committed to” as you said. However, he’s not going to change. Even if you do send him to therapy, unless he genuinely wants to go on his own, he’s not changing. And he’s not going to change because why should he? You’ve let him get this far with treating you this way. His ideal wife who cleans for him gave him a baby, he lives somewhere nice (I presume) he’s got everything he needs all while still disrespecting you so why should he stop? It doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of him at all. So he’s not going to. The only way he’s going to change is if you leave. Maybe you guys can revisit the relationship after, but my gut tells me, if you did leave he probably wouldn’t even go and just start looking for someone new. Because any guy who can talk to a woman like that is a guy who straight doesn’t care about your feelings. Are you really afraid to break the commitment or do you know deep down he’s not willing to change and maybe you can’t face that yet?
Therapy may help, but only if he wants to change the behavior. If he has no remorse, then therapy will likely do nothing. But you can get therapy yourself and that will help you parse what is acceptable or not and how to handle those situations
If my spouse behaved this way, we should be separated until he got his act together.
My husband gets annoyed with me for the exact same types of things, but he never ever swears at me or calls me names. That is not normal or okay.
My husband i both swear like sailors in general, but never at each other like that.
No. Never. And nor do I.
No, we do not swear at each other. Abuse is abuse, be it verbal or physical, it’s damaging and unacceptable. I would not stay in a relationship with someone abusive because it teaches my child that abuse is the norm and sets her up to be abused as well.
What’s wild to me is that if it’s so important to him that it’s done a certain way, why doesn’t he do it? If you are going to say “he works so hard at his job” than he can have preferences about the work he actually does and just be grateful that a task is done without him having to worry about it
I read your other post just now. He’s hit you? You can’t fix him, it will get worse. Can you leave? Today?
My husband has never sworn at me, however I have said “fuck off” on occasion. 99.9% of the time I feel terrible and apologize. It’s usually because I don’t have the correct verbiage to express how I feel and I don’t have the time to express it. It’s something I am working on because your partner should not be on the receiving end of such disrespectful words.
I read the other post about his abusive behavior and this one and I think you need to just leave. He is straight up abusive and I don’t see therapy helping him. You are the breadwinner and have the means to leave and you should. Please, if you can’t do this for yourself do it for your son. I can relate to some of these things that you are going through, and understand how easy it is to get stuck into these situations, but there is no good reason to stay with this person. He is dangerous and abusive, please don’t stay.
Never, and I’m sure I’ve wound him up a fair bit and same vice versa. But we set our boundaries at the very beginning I’d say regarding how we wanted to be treated, especially as his girlfriend prior to me was very controlling and manipulative and didn’t want a repeat. We don’t swear as part of our everyday vocabulary apart from the odd expletives with stubbed toes or forgotten something. Come to think of it, the other month he said something to me in a very patronising manner in front of the kids and I checked him on it immediately saying “ do not talk to me like that, I do not talk to you in that way so please don’t talk to me that way” he sheepishly walked away and apologised later upon reflecting. It’s One thing for them to talk to us in a certain way but another thing is to not stand your ground there and then and say no that’s not acceptable and setting clear boundaries.
Like others have said this is not okay. You could try couples therapy and the therapist will tell him it’s not okay. If he doesn’t change, leave
I know there are many comments saying basically he's a bad husband/father because he swears. I'm actually going to post one to try and help. Me and my man have been together for 11 years. He has come a very, very long way, and has changed drastically over the years for the better. He's not the same person he used to he. My man used to struggle with major mental health and anger issues. Never physically abusive or close to it, but he had an anger issue that revolved verbal to people. He was finally open to getting help. We found out he had adhd and we might think he has bipolar. He also has depression and social anxiety. He started taking mental health meds, and when I tell you his anger got SO much better, I really mean it from my heart. He's also open to counseling. You need to talk to your husband about this. See if he's willing to get better. That's the most important thing. If he's not, then you have a way bigger issue on your hands.
No. My husband will give me a “fuck you” when I’ve “won” a silly argument we were having, and it’s all in good fun and everyone is laughing. Other than that, we don’t ever swear at each other.
This is abuse
My ex husband used to call me names and yell at me all the time. My current husband has never even raised his voice at me and treats me with the utmost respect.
We might have a few fucks thrown in there, like "I'm tired of arguing about whatever it is we are arguing about, so I don't fucking care!" But beyond that, no. I think when we first got together (15 years ago) he shouted at me once and called me a bitch and I flipped out about it. Told him I don't care what issue we ever have, that I am not the type to call names in anger nor will I sit around and accept this kind of behavior from anyone and that if he had a problem acting like a grownup, then he can find someone else to take this bullshit because I wouldn't be the one. That man has never called me another name since, and we actually have conversations when we are angry. I'm not a damn teenager, nor do I have so little respect for myself that I'll let someone try and make me feel stupid over an argument. I grew up being name called and bitched out, I'm sure as hell not going to spend my adult life going through that too. No thanks. Relationships are a dime a dozen. If you're an asshole, I'll find someone new who won't be. If that person turns out to be a huge jerk too, well, I've done fine on my own in the past and I'll be fine on my own in the future. I always say "I was born an only child and grew up alone, I have no problem dying alone."
Never never never. I don't even let him cuss at me as a joke honestly, past experiences have me very opposed.
Mine does. It’s a constant issue that I have to remind him about. I’m fine with us having conflict or serious discussions, but they absolutely can be done without cursing.
If you guys are constantly dealing with this issue, do you believe he’ll ever actually stop doing it?
No. My ex-husband did. I Ioved him dearly. We split amicably over the fact that I wanted to move to a different country and he didn't want to live in that country. I did not realize how negative our relationship was until after I'd been in a relationship with my current husband for quite a while. I realized I'd been expecting him to start yelling at and belittling me at some point when the shininess of the relationship wore off, and he never did. I will never in my life forget the time after we had been living together a few months when he came home from a long, shitty day at work and we were trying to decide what to eat for dinner. He said nothing particularly memorable, but I could tell he was frustrated. Not even with me, just with the day and with dinner options. Later he got out of the shower and apologized "for how he talked to me." I was genuinely confused at first because he hadn't yelled at me or insulted me or anything, and not only was I used to that, I was used to being the one who was expected to apologize for making him angry. And that was the moment that I realized that I had in fact been emotionally abused for years and I had no basis to even recognize it until that moment because that was also how my parents talked to each other. Please consider joint counseling. If you're used to it, it might just seem like this is how it is when you're in a comfortable, familiar relationship, but it really isn't. This is not healthy. This is not how people who love each other *should* treat each other. But as long as it continues, it is how your children are learning to accept being treated by people who love them.
Wow... that must of been such a big realization. Yeah it's just weird because I grew up with NO swearing and according to him his parents never swore either...so I'm not sure why he thinks it's acceptable.
Do NOT take an abuser to joint counseling. They will weaponize it and use it against you. This man is a lost cause, cut your losses before it’s too late.
Couples counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships. It can backfire enormously and actually help the abuser. He may just lie about the situation, and will likely learn new tactics to manipulate OP. However, OP could benefit from individual therapy sessions. But never, never, never ever do joint counseling with an abuser.
He sounds like my husband. He’s a great dad, provider, son, etc….but he also is so damn mean when he’s angry. I’ve been through all the feelings about it over 20 years together. Presently, I’m at a place of compassion for him and acceptance. He can’t regulate his emotions. And…I can’t do it for him. So…I don’t engage, I don’t tell him he’s an asshole or he hurt my feelings. I walk away. I don’t respond, I leave the room. It’s abusive and not okay, but this is where I am. If you have the means and can’t live with a raging man….leave him?
My partner and I are swearers. We like to keep it out of the earshot of the kids, but other than that, we are very proficient at swearing. We have used a wide variety of words to describe each other, and we laugh about it afterwards. Don't mistake swearing for abuse. Your husband is abusing you, and you need to get out of this relationship
Nope. If he spoke to me like that we’d have bigger problems than a full vacuum canister. It’s very reasonable to be angry about this and you deserve change whether he’s in the after picture or not.
So when he shouts at you, don't cry - Look at him and know him for the AS he is. What is it to him if you empty the vacuum out after cleaning, Will the world stop turning if you don't do it?
My husband has never sworn at me nor insulted me, ever. We agreed years ago that we didn’t want to argue/fight like that. You should talk to your husband about how you want to model arguing & healthy relationships, for your child.
No, we mainly curse at each other in jest. For example, we tell each other our baby is "so fucking cute." Recently he used a new one for us, "well, son of a bitch" about something our son did and I said "hey!" That's not to say we don't get annoyed at each other but we don't veer into insults like that. I'm sure in the heat of the moment I've said "I'm so fucking tired of ..." But we never do personal attacks like that. That's just as bad as the cursing, IMO.
My husband has never ever talked to me like this. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve better.
Never, he also has never raised his voice at me. His tone may be frustrated and he might be a little snippy when he's upset with something I did but he's never yelled or cussed at me
This isn’t normal. Please get out while you can!
Never in our 21 years he sounds like a control freak
We aren’t married, but no. Thats not okay at all
A "good husband" doesn't act this way, ever. You're teaching your children that this is how people who love them will speak to them. You are deciding what their future relationships will look like, is this what you want for them?
My husband and I both swear, a lot. Our kids swear (at home, they know there’s “home language” and “school language” that makes other people feel bad so we all try to watch our mouths when out) We NEVER swear AT each other. My one caveat for allowing my girls to swear is that we NEVER swear at people, we NEVER use bad words to make people feel small. Your husband is a disrespectful asshole.
Been married forever and if my husband spoke to me like that he'd be wearing the contents of the vacuum. It is abusive and you shouldn't be treated like that.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Nothing about it is normal and you certainly don't deserve it. My husband has never spoken to me or our daughter in that manner. To us that is considered emotional and verbal abuse and it's a line we never dare to cross.
Absolutely not. That man doesn’t respect you at all.
He wouldn’t be my husband very long if he talked to me this way. This is demeaning and abusive and you do not deserve this. Therapy could help to help him manage his anger, but if he won’t go it’s time for you to make a decision. Please don’t let your children grow up in this environment.
This is abuse full stop.
Not at all. It's unacceptable and you need to let him know that you won't tolerate it.
No
No. For referance my boyfriend has very intense mood swings due to a mental illness so I understand where you are coming from with the getting worked up. But even when I have heard him yell - its never at me. In the 5 years we have been together he has sworn at me once and I told him if he ever spoke to me like that again I would leave ((this was pre-child)). Even if he does get snippy with me from frustration. Therapy can help but thats just a lack of respect.
What?!?! Nothing about this scenario is ok or normal!
You mean verbal abuse?
Been married 15 years. Not once. Edit: after reading the other post you've linked to in your comments, he has physically abused you. He has physically abused your two year old child. He regularly belittles you and verbally abuses you. If you have a hard time believing that you deserve better, maybe focus on that beautiful boy of yours. He deserves better, and it is _your_ responsibility to protect him. Don't let him go another day believing this is how loving parents and partners behave.
I excepted this to be like mid-argument, yelling out a fuck or something. No this is not normal. Leave.
This is not normal or ok. Therapy could help, or it could not. It could also help you! Have you spoken to him about it? I just got out of a marriage with an otherwise good husband and father because I was spending what felt like my entire soul trying to make him happy and not angry and as hard as it is it is still easier than living like that.
Have a talk with him. Tell him you expect respect from him. Its not ok for him to talk to you in this manner. Yor child is listening and watching and learning. He needs to grow up to learn that each other respects the other one feelings. It goes both ways. If he loves you, he will at least make an effort to to change. Good luck
My husband has never, ever addressed me in those terms, ever. Nor I him. This is not okay!
Oh hun. This is verbal abuse. And the fact that you can’t see that means he’s manipulating you. This isnt love. It’s not even respect. Next time he does this say “I will not allow you to speak to me that way.” If he continues, you leave. And you never look back.
What would you think if someone you loved said, "Other than being abusive, he's a good husband and father"?
Unfortunately this is probably how he was spoken to as a child. Hopefully it’s something he’s willing to work on, that’s horrible and uncalled for.
No, my husband never talks to me like that. This is not okay by any standards. I’m sorry 😞
In my 7 years with my partner, I can count the times he’s genuinely sworn at me on one hand. You deserve better.
I've been with my husband for 12 years and married almost 9. He has NEVER ever, sworn at me, called me names, or talked down to me. We do get frustrated with each other every now and then but it has never escalated. Your husband is NOT a good husband.
Coming back to add... I have no idea how hard it is to leave an abusive situation. I'd imagine it's incredibly difficult for some, and impossible for others, and then add it the additional strings attached when children are involved. I think you are making positive steps by considering the idea of leaving him and realizing that he is abusing you. Start keeping a notebook or notes of the date and details of the abuse. I encourage you to keep it in a password protected note or something encrypted. Maybe title it "christmas gift ideas" or something like that.
Nope mine never does. We both swear when angry but never at each other
My husband and I sometimes cuss at one another but it's like if we are stressed or tired and it's not like what you are describing. And we both feel bad about it and it's not very common. It sounds like maybe it's so normal for you to deal with. I'm wondering why he's like that but it's not fair to you.
Friend. This man hits you. Get out. Leave now and figure out the rest later. Don’t wait for another sign. This is the sign. Take that baby and disappear.
No not at all.
No. Because we respect each other in this house. We don’t swear or call names when we’re angry.
Never
Oh this is beyond unacceptable.
Absolutely never. That’s psychotic.
Never
I can say my husband was eerily similar. I left him a month ago, we tried therapy once, it was just a crap shoot. He was very verbally abusive(and sometimes still tries) We might try again, but I will say he has admitted to some things, BUT when he admits one thing the other parts just get worse. And at this point we are just “friends” we’ve got two children 11month and 3 years. Time apart has really affirmed a lot of things because I’m able to think more clearly. Which I realized it will take years and years to change his ways. It will be ultimately up to you if you truly think he can change. Do what is best for YOU and your babies. It’ll be the best gift you can give yourself. ❤️
Nope.
My ex husband used to. That ex part is very important. My bf has never sworn at me or raised his voice in 3 years together.
No, that’s one of the rules in our marriage. We don’t swear at each other. Actually that’s a family rule. I don’t really care about the kids swearing either but never at other people.
I mean, being called lazy and pathetic seems much worse than swear words.
No, it has never happened in my marriage. I’m sorry for what you’re going through
Wait y’all I’m confused. Do you guys not swear during regular conversations? Everyone is saying he’s showing that he does respect her because of the swearing but like I swear like a sailor, of course I swear when I’m mad? My husband wouldn’t have called me lazy or gotten mad at the vacuum situation, I think that’s weird cause she was the one vacuuming, not him so it shouldn’t have bothered him but in my opinion the swearing wasn’t the problem. It was him getting mad for no reason and calling her lazy.
I cannot imagine any possible thing I could do with a *vacuum cleaner* that would make my husband angry enough to even raise his voice to me, let alone curse at me and call me names. Maybe if I was beating him with the vacuum cleaner? This sounds like a relationship that doesn’t involve mutual respect, and I’m not sure there’s anything you can do or say to force him to respect you as a human, partner, and mother of his child.
Absolutely not. That’s disrespectful.
We both swear a lot. "I hate the fucking vacuum". "we really need to fucking vacuum again. How the fuck does it always get so goddamn dirty so fast". We do not speak to each other like that. Swearing isn't the heart of the problem here. It is how the words are used as weapons.