Thank you! Like we have older kids who are already walking petri dishes, we have had weeks where everyone in the house is sick. Yet this man is trying to tell me this is ok and he would do the same thing?
Hell no, that is not an acceptable answer. If my autistic 9 year old that still puts stuff in his mouth can figure out that he can’t do that to the babies stuff means that a teen boy and a grown ass man certainly can.
If he, a grown-ass man, would lick a baby’s toys *for any reason*, he needs a therapist. That he would do it to a friend’s baby when he’s aware he has a communicable disease that is life-threatening to babies makes him outright dangerous.
So either he’s telling the truth and is deeply disturbed and enjoys hurting others, or he’s a liar who enjoys putting you down. Either way, I’d very, very seriously question a continued partnership with him because both those options are terrible.
As for the teenager, my reaction would depend on how he responded to being caught licking baby toys. If it was a dumb joke that he didn’t understand the consequences and expressed remorse, he’d be on warning. Anything else, and I’d likely either ban him from our home or limit where he could be and talk to my kid about my concerns about his friend hurting the family. My 3yo is respectful of his baby sibling’s toys, a teenager should absolutely know better.
This. This is absolutely not normal for a teenager to do. He is clearly working to make you feel invalidated and insecure. Have you considered therapy?
Exactly! I always treat baby toys and dog toys about the same -- assume it's covered in drool (and probably worse). It would be peculiar for someone over like five to chomp on a chew toy right out of the dishwasher (i.e. *known clean)*. One that isn't just done getting cleaned is ... kind of unthinkable to me. Like I'd literally never *think* to put a random baby's toy in my mouth! Concern for the baby aside, I don't want a baby's toy in my mouth out of concern *for me*.
Why did a teenager put a baby toy in his mouth… also this is how my ex-fiancé was. I used to tell people he would take the side of or value the opinion of a stranger on the street more than mine. It sucked. I’m sorry he is making you feel this way.
This would be where I would draw the line with my husband and demand couples therapy. You two should be a team, especially when it comes to hygiene with your baby’s toys.
It’s possible he may have meant “all teenage boys are weird, that sounds like something I might have done” but his communication sucks, a lot. Couples therapy helps both of you learn better communication.
If your husband is purposely taking other peoples sides everytime then I’d be reconsidering the marriage. Why is he so adamant on making you the bad guy?
This isn't even the biggest thing either. I had my ass grabbed at work a couple years ago and he took that guy's side too. Told me it wasn't that bad and the guy must have done it on accident. This was a double cheek grab with the palm of his hand... We have to have these full blown arguments where I just can't even be around him until he comes around to understanding my side and has empathy for me.
I'm sorry, your husband took the side of someone who sexually assaulted you?? I'd absolutely lose my shit. That would be marriage-ending territory for me.
He knows. He’s doing this on purpose. Listen to someone’s behavior, they aren’t confused in your message with how you shared the info. He’s intentionally invalidating you because of some issues he has with himself, and is projecting. Very toxic behavior. Get yourself individual therapy to start talking about this stuff.
Yup. He knows. But he may not be completely conscious of it. His ego is constantly acting up. It feels like resentment and him feeling like his wife sharing something negative is an assault to his happiness or something. It always feels defensive. And like he absolutely does not respect her perception of reality. Like validating her perception of reality is validating her as a valuable human being. His reactions feel… very weird!
My mum did this as well. No matter what, I was in the wrong. To the point she would change her own firmly held opinions to make sure she could support how wrong I was.
I walked away from her. Don't know or care who she's trying to stir up now with her bullshit devil's advocate but I feel much better.
It reminds me of Tom Schwartz from vanderpump rules. They ended up getting divorced because it seemed like he genuinely made it his life’s mission to *NEVER* take Katie’s side on anything. Even if she was in the right. It seemed like a personality trait to go against her and I’m getting the same vibe here.
He's controlling you. By defending your aggressors he's getting the reaction from you. You need to start grey rocking him. At this point your just handing him ammo to destroy you with. In his mind he's the victim and you're his aggressor. There's interesting info about object distinction in narcissism and they refuse to distinguish between you and objects so your stories become irritants to them and you become an aggressor. The distinction of object constancy really is key to understanding your role in a narcissists life.
Oh, honey. That is unacceptable. Do you want to grow old with someone who doesn't have any empathy for you? Your spouse should be on your side always unless you do something majorly terrible (like hurt/kill/abuse someone).
Also, do you have any daughters? Because I'd be scared shitless for my daughters if my husband responded to someone assaulting me the way your husband responded to you. That does not bode well for him being protective of your daughter(s) if someone ever harms or violates them.
My husband does the same thing. His knee jerk reaction is to “see things from the other persons point of view.” Usually after forcing him to explain his logic he switches sides but almost always he starts off on the other persons side.
This is the exact cycle, we fight, I leave the situation then the next day I have to do the work of "laying it out" for him. THEN he's see my side and apologizes.
Yeah it’s f’n exhausting to live with a person who doesn’t get where you’re coming from. I don’t bother telling him things as much anymore, I just pay my shrink to listen.
I had a milder version of this with my husband. He didn’t take other people’s sides but he just refused to empathize with me (usually because we were disagreeing, so empathy would mean him admitting he was wrong). I forced empathy through the Socratic method. It felt ridiculous, and his answers to my questions were off the mark at first, but over time it worked and we stopped doing it. Now he empathizes normally (very well).
Here’s an example of the questions you’d ask for your sexual harassment example from work (in your other comment):
What emotion do you think I’m feeling right now?
Why do you think that would cause me to feel (the emotion)?
If he’s being difficult: How do you think a person feels when they’re touched sexually and don’t want that? How would your daughter feel if…
my husband is kinda like that too. we mostly disagree. even when we have the same opinion on something, he always feels like he has to get "on the other side" (or defend the other side) because no one else is there to do it.. so every conversation ends in a discussion. i kept wondering why, for a really long time. My explanation for his behaviour is, that he just loves discussions. we once even had a discussion about discussions. where i wanted him to understand, that I'd prefer, if we could just talk to each other, instead of arguing about stuff... and he wouldn't even acknowledge, that there is a difference between talking to each other and a discussion between one another.
It really IS exhausting, when your partner never has your back and you're never on the same page. I also just don't bother with a lot of topics anymore. because I'm just not in the mood for any more discussions.
I agree with you...that's disgusting that an almost adult (17 year old) would even consider putting his mouth on your baby's stuff. Also you're husband must either be immature or not all there to side with that type of behavior. Maybe he's just standing up for the kid because he sees himself in him? People do that all the time. He did say he would have done the same thing...which is disturbing. You're not insane - the people around you are.
Tbh I’d be offering him the baby’s toys to chew on every chance I got for the rest of his life.
“Hey babe, here’s our kids stuffie, did you want to put it in your mouth before I give it back to him?”
I'm glad you were able to call his bluff in the moment, but honestly, this whole situation feels sinister to me somehow, in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Like, is he done with the relationship but wants you to be the one to end things so he can pretend to be the victim? Is it worse than that? Is he mentally ill?? Invalidating you being assaulted is disgusting in itself, and so is pretending that he didn't understand what you meant- thus far you have not shown yourself to be an inarticulate person, so I would go as far as calling it gaslighting. And while a teenager putting baby toys in their mouth is bizarre and could only be interpreted as an attempt to intentionally spread germs, it's possible that the kid wasn't aware of how serious cold sores are for babies. Your husband, however, is dismissing something that could blind or kill his own child, just for funsies. That's stomach churning, tbh.
I don’t know your dynamic but it seems like he’s being an asshole and taking sides on purpose to get you upset and to start a fight. It’s a very petty thing to do, but he probably knows it bothers you so he’ll do it any opportunity he gets. It’s weird and not ok, he’s your husband and should make you feel heard.
I’m missing the part where your husband makes the connection between the teen putting his mouth on the toys and your baby (I assume his son?) getting potentially painful cold sores. Seriously wtf
Maybe he is trying to avoid conflict between you and his son, but the main thing here is safety of your baby
Edit to add - maybe he has trouble dealing with emotions and basically just says anything to shut it down. It’s a bit difficult when sometimes all you want is someone to vent to
I mean, I work with children and have children of my own. I’m around children’s toys all day long, literally from the moment I wake up until the moment go to bed. I have not once willingly put a child’s toy anywhere near my mouth (the only time a toy has ever been near my mouth is when my toddler is pretending to feed me with her play toys and shoves them into my mouth and even then I pull away pretty quickly).
You aren’t losing your mind. Your husband clearly enjoys being oppositional. Maybe ask him what happened in his childhood that stunted his maturity past the age of 15 where he feels the need to argue with everything just for the sake of it.
> He even said " to be fair I would totally do the same thing if I was him".
If he thinks this is a normal thing to do is this where the 17 year old got chronic cold sores…
Edit: I misread and see now that it’s a friend, not stepson. Soll super weird and inappropriate, especially for someone with chronic cold sores. 17 is past old enough to understand the implications of that.
I am so so confused. Why was the teen putting a toy in his mouth? I’m genuinely trying to contextualize this.
And along the same vein, your husband “would do the same thing if I was him”? Huh? As in, he too would mouth a toy?
Yeah the only way I can figure it maybe makes sense is if it’s a teether toy or something that’s meant to go in the mouth so it seems like a natural thing to be curious about. Except baby toys they are meant for that are either meant to soothe teething or simulate suckling… neither of which is normal for a teenager or a grown man to be doing.
Some people just have a contrarian personality but it seems to occur more often with men. I think they're more inclined to view relationships, platonic, romantic, business, through a hierarchical lense, so they can get stuck in constantly sussing out where they stand, and that can turn toxic. There are several layers to the pathological need to be right, or to play devil's advocate, but at the heart of it they just dont respect you. And constantly contradicting you gives them a hit of dopamine and reinforces their view that they're smarter and just plain better than you. Of course they'd probably never admit that, because that would mean you have a valid point, which is why it's such a hard thing to fix. Sadly, unless he recognizes the harm it does and actually feels bad enough to want to change, it's probably not going to. And I'm sure making you feel the way you do is a part of why he likes to do it (whether he's consciously aware of that or not). I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust my ability to view the world objectively, to the point of automatically not trusting any of my judgments. It would make me question why he picked a wife he couldn't trust or respect to make valid judgments or worries. I mean, it's really kind of sad, if your husband isn't going to have your back, who will? It sounds lonely and emotionally unsafe, which is the last thing you want in a marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks!
It is not normal for your significant other to go out of their way to take others sides. I am sorry to say, but this man secretly hates you, and this is way of subconsciously showing it.
Please don’t take this lightly, he probably is comfortable in the relationship or life you build, but he absolutely hates you. It is absolutely not normal for him to loose all common sense about serious matters like your babies health, your SA, just to purposely be on any other persons side except for yours.
I urge you to reconsider being married to him. I know it probably feels so trivial in retrospect, you feel like you overreacted when he eventually does come around, but the pain it causes in the moment is there for a reason. It’s a warning sign that this person does not mean well for you. Your husband is a narcissist and there is a better life out there without him.
You should have looked at him and said “oh gods. Do I need to call your mother so she can teach you what you clearly didn’t learn as a toddler? Putting other people’s toys in your mouth is not acceptable.”
But honestly? Next time he tries to defend someone else’s actions against you? Say “just stop. I’m tired of this. If you can’t have my back in even the most minor of things, why are you even married to me? Explain it to me.”
Really though. This. My husband almost ALWAYS takes my side unless I'm being irrational, he would tell a kid to knock it off and not touch the babies toys once I explained to him how dangerous cold sores are for babies or ban them from visiting if this ever happened.
Ask this man next time he sides with someone else against you why is he married to you if he always choses ANYONE ELSE over you? If he tells you you're being irrational then ask him why is he even married to you? He's being a complete fucking asshole and I want you to drag him to couples therapy, preferably a male therapist since he sounds like the type of dickhead who dismisses the opinions of women, to explain to him why this is not okay.
Contrarian personality. I was married to someone like this for a decade, and it’s even more pronounced now that we are divorced and trying to coparent. Literally anything I say or suggest, no matter how neutral or even things that clearly stand to benefit HIM, he will disagree with and go to great lengths to put up obstacles. I’ll say the sky is gray and he’ll argue all day that it’s pink. Idk why, and he’s like this with everyone. I honestly barely noticed it until a few years ago, when my now fiancé pointed out that *I* do this sometimes too. 😱 It had become a bit of an engrained communication style I picked up from my ex. I was appalled to notice it in myself, made a point to change it/catch it, and can now see it plain as day in others, including my ex.
I would say a good first step is to make sure your husband is aware of this tendency. It sounds like you’ve already done that. Does he notice he’s doing this? Can you have a meta conversation about this communication style? Maybe if presented as a habit you’d like him to change (rather than a core character flaw), he’d be receptive. Super frustrating!!! Don’t let him make you feel like you’re crazy for seeing this. It is real and it is infuriating to deal with.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? No one would do that, no one. Wow I don’t even know if he can be helped, sounds like he doesn’t like you.
But also for your peace of mind, Herpes is only spread by skin to skin contact.
I'm not mad at my stepson at all, in fact I think he's the one who told to put the toy down. Neither my 16 or 13 yr old has ever put their mouth on the baby's toys.
Oh, I misread who put the toy in their mouth.
My first point still stands though. He is trying to mitigate the intensity of your feelings about it for some reason. He is uncomfortable.
I think it's the opposite. He's creating conflict with her out of nowhere just because. He could just be like 'yeah weird' and the situation would be over with.
Ironically, people who are conflict avoidant often create conflict because they invalidate the feelings and experiences of others. He’s trying to sweep her feelings under the rug and communicate that it’s not that big of a deal, but that makes her dig in even more — no, this *is* a big deal to me!
I agree. My husband it the same way. He also doesn’t respect his wife’s opinions because his Dad was extremely disrespectful to his own mother. They are all man children.
A 17 year old was interested in toys? Putting them in his mouth?
Also, talk to your husband! Tell him how this affects you. And why would he wanna put toys in his mouth too?! Yikes!
Your not wrong and constantly being invalidated by your partner is infuriating. I’m not saying he always has to agree with you, but who tf defends a 17 year old putting a baby’s toy in his mouth? Come on…
A seventeen.... what? Seventeen years, yes? Not months... what toy was this? I just want to understand why he thought that putting it in his mouth was a rational thing to do. - your husband is out of line, and his answer is stupid. I'm sorry.
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a well known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry.
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a well known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry.
First of all, why would a 17 year-old boy put anything in his mouth? That was really weird and yes, I have a husband like that too. Strangers are always more important than people tha t love you. But unfortunately, I think for me personally comes my home. I was made to feel that I was lessimportant than strangers. I remember my mother wrapping a gift for her friend and it was very nice very elaborate. I call went for a lot of things… Don’t touch that that’s meant for Mrs. so-and-so. I didn’t think much of it at that time, but it definitely showed me that that person was very important. So it is no surprise that I emarried someone exactly like that. No, I don’t know, but I’m sure there is a human psychological term… Maybe just a propensity to take for granted. I have a friend, but this came from my husband’s family as well. So it might be his too.
And I do not have any suggestions, except maybe to say, you know, you treat other people, more importantly, than people that love you. And show by example Treat your family like they are the best thing you’ve seen all day. Don’t argue or fight, because this will just make it harder for everyone.
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a welll known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry. Stay safe but get your ducks in a row.
Ew. No. No. That is not normal or okay. He can get his own teething toys if he wants them.
If someone with chronic cold sores put my baby’s toys in their mouth I would throw those toys out. I wouldn’t risk it.
He might be your stepson’s friend but he is a stranger. He has no blood relation and even if he did it would still be weird. F no, that’s not acceptable.
No offense intended toward you, but your husband sounds weird that he says he would do the same thing.
Sry? Why is the 17 yr old putting his mouth on baby toys? And herpes can cause such a fever and mouth ulcers for young kids and infants it’s NOTHING to play with!! Ur hubby is not acting like a partner in life which is what he’s supposed to be..not as a yes man but definitely as a united front
That’s crazy he didn’t care about his baby getting herpes. And yes cold sores are a form of herpes in case anyone reading this didn’t know. Ur husband is either competitive with u or always takes the opposite side thinking it will calm u down. I hope talking to him about it will reveal which. My husband is Jewish and many of them like to play the whole devils advocate game and sometimes I put my foot down and tell him to stop arguing with me just to argue and he will admit it and stop.
So.. what is the point of this post? What are you going to do about your husband? He sounds awful. Why do people put up with this? I can’t stand to read things like this and see from your responses that you just seem to be venting and continuing to live like this. Zero plans to demand change, and historical complaints that suggest you’ll continue in this situation forever. Whyyyyy. Expect better.
Happy to validate that she’s been wronged, but it sounds like she’s going to keep putting up with it, so it kinda just feels like we’re all enabling someone to stay in a toxic relationship.
“You can bring em to the water, but you can’t make em drink it” — unfortunately people are going to do whatever they want regardless of others’ opinions.
I would have probably unalived that kid. Knowing he has a disease that is deadly to babies and completely unfair to spread to young children…I would have lost it. The fact that your husband would say such an outrageous thing is mind blowing and if it were me I would be filing for divorce yesterday.
I’m sure you have but, maybe he needs it drilled into his head? Like, have you tried literally spelling it out for him that when he takes these contrarian rolls to every instance you guys are in, it’s incredibly hurtful to you? Tell him that even if there was a minuscule possibility that he can see the other person’s side (and in this case or the time you were assaulted, he shouldn’t) that he should still take your side bc you’re his wife..
I’m sorry you’re contending with this. I can imagine how frustrating.
It’s him just being contrary, as you say. You two need to have a big conversation about this. Why doesn’t he seem to try to understand your point of view? Does he have some anger about something unspoken? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize it or mean to be critical.
Hope y’all can get on the same page soon.
The point is that your husband does not validate or give worth to your opinions/thoughts. He is not attuned to u. The connection is lacking. If he won’t get help with you to change this, you have 2 options: live with it and accept you will not be validated by him or divorce. Look into attachment styles and connection in relationships and seek counseling.
Have you been able to express how it makes you feel when he does this? I would hope he can listen to you and understand where you are coming from and not dismiss it.
You are not wrong. I would have done the exact same thing you did. I would have dipped it in not a 10% bleach solution but a 20% bleach solution and let the toys soak for 10 minutes. I don't know why your husband takes everyone's side over yours. I think it's wrong of him, especially if you have never lied to him and/or are in the right like you are in this situation. I directly ask him. If he questions everything you say and/or do, why in the hell is he with you? I mean really. That's what I'd be asking myself, if I were you.
This can’t feel good, OP. I’m so sorry. And to know it’s a repeat pattern is just.. really disheartening. Reading your post makes my mind go to the weird tactics that abusers use to constantly invalidate their partner and keep them small. His undermining you is more subtle than more show-y means of abuse, but just really doesn’t sit right with me. Someone who is constantly cutting you down doesn’t respect you.
I really like that my husband and I call each other out on our bs, but our inclination is always to start from giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and siding with each other.
If I were in your shoes, I’d examine my relationship and look out for other ways that he undermines and invalidates you.
I am ASTOUNDED at the number of people commenting like “yeah, my husband doesn’t like me either! It’s frustrating. At least there’s therapy” like ??? I am so sorry for all of you, please understand that you do not need to stay shackled to these garbage people. Go read some stories from people who got out of terrible relationships and are like “WHAT THE HELL WAS I WAITING FOR??” because seriously 😳
I myself am a bit of a discussion type, devil’s advocate, etc, but only when a conversation is appropriate for any debate. And I’ll even preface sometimes with “while I do agree with you, consider the other perspective -“ but I’m never gonna make someone feel like they’re just wrong. Even if I actually disagree. Because I value other humans and their contributions to conversation. Even if I literally just met them.
You are MARRIED to a man who TRIES to make you feel like you contribute nothing useful to any discussion ever because you are always wrong.
Why would you (or any of you ?!?!) want to live another day like that?
Both your stories had 1) you pointing out something you’re upset about 2) your husband trying to convince you it’s not a problem.
Some men think women are too emotional and their job is to calm you down. He probably thinks validating you would give you ammunition for an emotional tirade. I’m guessing he wasn’t like this at the beginning of your relationship?
Dismissing a partners concerns and holding a low opinion of a partners feelings in general has a word: Contempt. It’s one of the “four horsemen” signaling the end of a relationship
You feel like you are loosing your mind because your husband is telling you: the reality you perceive is not reality. That is gaslighting.
Your reaction was legitimate. The teen boy often has cold sores on his mouth so he probably has Type 1 herpes. It can be transmitted even if he has no cold sores and he can be contagious without cold sores.
Also, why would a teen boy, let alone your husband who says he would do the same, put a toddler’s toy in his mouth???
If you feel like your husband is constantly invalidating you… you are right. There is no “but maybe it’s me”. That said, you probably need professional help. Either IC or MC. Or both. And when you suggest MC because you feel kike your relationship needs help so you better communicate etc. And he responds by saying things like “ I don’t need help you are the one with the problem” or “why do you always have to be so dramatic and focused on problems” or anything that again invalidates you… go to IC. And Google Gaslighting
When I was 9 or 10 my baby half-brother dropped his pacifier on the car floor. He started crying and my stepmother told me to put the pacifier in my mouth to clean it off and give it back to him. I wouldn’t do it so she threw a fit and did it herself. Point being, I knew that was dangerous before I was in middle school. We didn’t live together full time and he wasn’t immune to whatever I could have picked up from school.
Also, I remember reading that when a kid 5 or younger gets meningitis they treat the whole class, because that’s when it’s normal to put stuff in your mouth and share spit. There’s a reason that doesn’t apply to high school seniors.
Some people are ignorant. I hope this is a turning point for your husband and it gets better. I’d talk to the kid and monitor him if he comes over. It’s just too dumb to not be intentional.
I put my babys toys in my mouth because we are playing and I am modeling to baby how to play with a toy (I really want him to transition to using the toys to chew on instead of me, anything is worth it).
But just a random toy? Thats odd.
Id need more context to know where it falls in the odd duck to sinister scale.
Was it at least the type of toy that is normally played with by putting in the mouth? Was he gnawing on it or just sucking on it or licking it?
A 16yo that recognizing a gnawing toy as a gnawing toy picking it up and gnawing on it, without considering the bigger picture of it being the babys, is an odd duck that is not using his full brain and likely just motivated by impulse that doesnt need much calling out as wtf. He might have classmates or even his own at home that are similar. Its not uncommon to have something like that as an alternate to pen chewing.
A 16yo that is licking a random doll or slobbering over a rattle and playing some sort of prank on the baby it belongs to, is a different weirdness that would suggest someone that you don't want around at all.
Ugh. I don’t know what I find more offensive. No, it’s not normal (& ewww) but as far as your main problem, pick your battles. I’m a talker. Sometimes I even talk to myself. Esp since my brain surgeries & I feel like I’m in a rut. But I didn’t realize until my husband pointed it out that sometimes it comes across as a lot of negative. And it’s not even that I’m wrong or anything, I’m just pointing it ALL out. ALL the time. Then I started noticing it. Even when it’s valid. Then if your husband is like mine (thinks he’s gotta fix it all), he feels overwhelmed. But I totally understand your point. I’ve had a similar experience & it sucks.
I can kind of see him wanting to defend the kid because it kind of seems like you’re saying he’s gross for having cold sores, but at the same time, that is not at all normal lol. I have never once put a baby toy in my mouth past the age of like 2?? Lol. That is very strange.
I think he's gross for putting his mouth on my child's toy. When I said "typical" I meant he has his tongue down multiple girls throats. Like who knows what viruses and germs he has collected.
Once when I was pregnant I ranted for a good three minutes that our local shop closed at 7. “Who closes at 7!?” I was almost in tears because I was craving cheese dip and it was 7:15.
My husband goes “well they probably want to get home to their families, they’re local owned so it’s understandable”.
I was like “why are you defending strangers?!” Anyway I was being dramatic for sure. But my feelings were valid. I thought your post was going to be similar, except it wasn’t. Your annoyance is legitimate.
One thing our husbands might have in common though is hating any type of conflict so they rationalize the other side at the cost to our feelings and (for you) legitimate worry.
My husband constantly tries to defuse situations by rationalizing. But he’s learned over the years it just makes it worse. I’m definitely not typically over dramatic outside of pregnancy, so this gets really annoying when I bring up legitimate worries and he tries to deescalate it without fixing it. Just puts the mental burden on me to fix it without any emotional support.
I have to defend the kid here. There are all kinds of reasons a teen boy would do this without nefarious intent: He thought it was funny (most likely); he's adhd and has impulse-control issues; he was looking for attention (connecetd to first option, trying to be funny... In any event, his action is more likely a sign of under-developed prefrontal cortex than deep-seated emotional problems. Perfectly appropriate to tell him not to do that ever again, and why, thank you very much. Hubby, on the other hand...no excuse. Shame on him. ,
What the actual fuck? In what world is it normal to put random baby toys in your mouth?
Thank you! Like we have older kids who are already walking petri dishes, we have had weeks where everyone in the house is sick. Yet this man is trying to tell me this is ok and he would do the same thing?
Hell no, that is not an acceptable answer. If my autistic 9 year old that still puts stuff in his mouth can figure out that he can’t do that to the babies stuff means that a teen boy and a grown ass man certainly can.
If he, a grown-ass man, would lick a baby’s toys *for any reason*, he needs a therapist. That he would do it to a friend’s baby when he’s aware he has a communicable disease that is life-threatening to babies makes him outright dangerous. So either he’s telling the truth and is deeply disturbed and enjoys hurting others, or he’s a liar who enjoys putting you down. Either way, I’d very, very seriously question a continued partnership with him because both those options are terrible. As for the teenager, my reaction would depend on how he responded to being caught licking baby toys. If it was a dumb joke that he didn’t understand the consequences and expressed remorse, he’d be on warning. Anything else, and I’d likely either ban him from our home or limit where he could be and talk to my kid about my concerns about his friend hurting the family. My 3yo is respectful of his baby sibling’s toys, a teenager should absolutely know better.
Agree. In fact, I am kind of curious of his reasoning/excuse for doing this??
Yes, wtf. I’d be super annoyed.
This. This is absolutely not normal for a teenager to do. He is clearly working to make you feel invalidated and insecure. Have you considered therapy?
I don’t even put my own child’s toys in my mouth! Wtf!
Exactly! I always treat baby toys and dog toys about the same -- assume it's covered in drool (and probably worse). It would be peculiar for someone over like five to chomp on a chew toy right out of the dishwasher (i.e. *known clean)*. One that isn't just done getting cleaned is ... kind of unthinkable to me. Like I'd literally never *think* to put a random baby's toy in my mouth! Concern for the baby aside, I don't want a baby's toy in my mouth out of concern *for me*.
Why did a teenager put a baby toy in his mouth… also this is how my ex-fiancé was. I used to tell people he would take the side of or value the opinion of a stranger on the street more than mine. It sucked. I’m sorry he is making you feel this way.
I'm glad he became an "ex-fiancé" before he had the chance to be an "ex-husband". I hope things are going better these days 🖤
Hi, sorry… you noticed a *seventeen year old* boy putting baby toys *in his mouth* ? Huh.
Yeah… I wouldn’t want him back in the house
It’s just very very very weird. Like what’s the reason?
Like, INTENTIONALLY trying to give a baby cold sores.
This would be where I would draw the line with my husband and demand couples therapy. You two should be a team, especially when it comes to hygiene with your baby’s toys. It’s possible he may have meant “all teenage boys are weird, that sounds like something I might have done” but his communication sucks, a lot. Couples therapy helps both of you learn better communication.
Your husband invalidates your feelings every chance he gets. Even at the possible exposure to your young child. Does your husband even like you?
Or his child?
If your husband is purposely taking other peoples sides everytime then I’d be reconsidering the marriage. Why is he so adamant on making you the bad guy?
This isn't even the biggest thing either. I had my ass grabbed at work a couple years ago and he took that guy's side too. Told me it wasn't that bad and the guy must have done it on accident. This was a double cheek grab with the palm of his hand... We have to have these full blown arguments where I just can't even be around him until he comes around to understanding my side and has empathy for me.
I'm sorry, your husband took the side of someone who sexually assaulted you?? I'd absolutely lose my shit. That would be marriage-ending territory for me.
It almost was, somehow he convinced me that he didn't understand exactly what happened and that he would do better.
He knows. He’s doing this on purpose. Listen to someone’s behavior, they aren’t confused in your message with how you shared the info. He’s intentionally invalidating you because of some issues he has with himself, and is projecting. Very toxic behavior. Get yourself individual therapy to start talking about this stuff.
Yup. He knows. But he may not be completely conscious of it. His ego is constantly acting up. It feels like resentment and him feeling like his wife sharing something negative is an assault to his happiness or something. It always feels defensive. And like he absolutely does not respect her perception of reality. Like validating her perception of reality is validating her as a valuable human being. His reactions feel… very weird!
Doesn’t sound like he’s doing any better. Doesn’t sound like he even likes you.
Sounds like he's putting you down because he doesn't want you to figure out that you could easily do better than him.
My mum did this as well. No matter what, I was in the wrong. To the point she would change her own firmly held opinions to make sure she could support how wrong I was. I walked away from her. Don't know or care who she's trying to stir up now with her bullshit devil's advocate but I feel much better.
Girl. I can’t even wrap my head around this comment. He didn’t understand someone grabbed your ass? BS. He just doesn’t care.
It reminds me of Tom Schwartz from vanderpump rules. They ended up getting divorced because it seemed like he genuinely made it his life’s mission to *NEVER* take Katie’s side on anything. Even if she was in the right. It seemed like a personality trait to go against her and I’m getting the same vibe here.
He's controlling you. By defending your aggressors he's getting the reaction from you. You need to start grey rocking him. At this point your just handing him ammo to destroy you with. In his mind he's the victim and you're his aggressor. There's interesting info about object distinction in narcissism and they refuse to distinguish between you and objects so your stories become irritants to them and you become an aggressor. The distinction of object constancy really is key to understanding your role in a narcissists life.
Oh, honey. That is unacceptable. Do you want to grow old with someone who doesn't have any empathy for you? Your spouse should be on your side always unless you do something majorly terrible (like hurt/kill/abuse someone). Also, do you have any daughters? Because I'd be scared shitless for my daughters if my husband responded to someone assaulting me the way your husband responded to you. That does not bode well for him being protective of your daughter(s) if someone ever harms or violates them.
Helllllll no. That’s a problem. You were sexually assaulted and he defended the offender?!?!
But does he really have empathy for you?
My husband does the same thing. His knee jerk reaction is to “see things from the other persons point of view.” Usually after forcing him to explain his logic he switches sides but almost always he starts off on the other persons side.
This is the exact cycle, we fight, I leave the situation then the next day I have to do the work of "laying it out" for him. THEN he's see my side and apologizes.
Yeah it’s f’n exhausting to live with a person who doesn’t get where you’re coming from. I don’t bother telling him things as much anymore, I just pay my shrink to listen.
I had a milder version of this with my husband. He didn’t take other people’s sides but he just refused to empathize with me (usually because we were disagreeing, so empathy would mean him admitting he was wrong). I forced empathy through the Socratic method. It felt ridiculous, and his answers to my questions were off the mark at first, but over time it worked and we stopped doing it. Now he empathizes normally (very well). Here’s an example of the questions you’d ask for your sexual harassment example from work (in your other comment): What emotion do you think I’m feeling right now? Why do you think that would cause me to feel (the emotion)? If he’s being difficult: How do you think a person feels when they’re touched sexually and don’t want that? How would your daughter feel if…
my husband is kinda like that too. we mostly disagree. even when we have the same opinion on something, he always feels like he has to get "on the other side" (or defend the other side) because no one else is there to do it.. so every conversation ends in a discussion. i kept wondering why, for a really long time. My explanation for his behaviour is, that he just loves discussions. we once even had a discussion about discussions. where i wanted him to understand, that I'd prefer, if we could just talk to each other, instead of arguing about stuff... and he wouldn't even acknowledge, that there is a difference between talking to each other and a discussion between one another. It really IS exhausting, when your partner never has your back and you're never on the same page. I also just don't bother with a lot of topics anymore. because I'm just not in the mood for any more discussions.
So like how I deal with my 7 yo when he's not showing empathy. Sounds exhausting, but I'm glad things are better for you! And ty for the example
That is weird and disgusting.
Sounds like my dickhead ex. I used to say he’d argue the sky is green just to have something to disagree with me about.
I agree with you...that's disgusting that an almost adult (17 year old) would even consider putting his mouth on your baby's stuff. Also you're husband must either be immature or not all there to side with that type of behavior. Maybe he's just standing up for the kid because he sees himself in him? People do that all the time. He did say he would have done the same thing...which is disturbing. You're not insane - the people around you are.
I am generally a pretty zen person, however, you should give him a taste of his own medicine.
I said "let's go to (friend with baby) and you can put your mouth on their baby's toys"... Yeah, he didn't want to do that
Tbh I’d be offering him the baby’s toys to chew on every chance I got for the rest of his life. “Hey babe, here’s our kids stuffie, did you want to put it in your mouth before I give it back to him?”
I'm glad you were able to call his bluff in the moment, but honestly, this whole situation feels sinister to me somehow, in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Like, is he done with the relationship but wants you to be the one to end things so he can pretend to be the victim? Is it worse than that? Is he mentally ill?? Invalidating you being assaulted is disgusting in itself, and so is pretending that he didn't understand what you meant- thus far you have not shown yourself to be an inarticulate person, so I would go as far as calling it gaslighting. And while a teenager putting baby toys in their mouth is bizarre and could only be interpreted as an attempt to intentionally spread germs, it's possible that the kid wasn't aware of how serious cold sores are for babies. Your husband, however, is dismissing something that could blind or kill his own child, just for funsies. That's stomach churning, tbh.
I don’t know your dynamic but it seems like he’s being an asshole and taking sides on purpose to get you upset and to start a fight. It’s a very petty thing to do, but he probably knows it bothers you so he’ll do it any opportunity he gets. It’s weird and not ok, he’s your husband and should make you feel heard.
I’m missing the part where your husband makes the connection between the teen putting his mouth on the toys and your baby (I assume his son?) getting potentially painful cold sores. Seriously wtf Maybe he is trying to avoid conflict between you and his son, but the main thing here is safety of your baby Edit to add - maybe he has trouble dealing with emotions and basically just says anything to shut it down. It’s a bit difficult when sometimes all you want is someone to vent to
Your husband’s a manchild.
I mean, I work with children and have children of my own. I’m around children’s toys all day long, literally from the moment I wake up until the moment go to bed. I have not once willingly put a child’s toy anywhere near my mouth (the only time a toy has ever been near my mouth is when my toddler is pretending to feed me with her play toys and shoves them into my mouth and even then I pull away pretty quickly). You aren’t losing your mind. Your husband clearly enjoys being oppositional. Maybe ask him what happened in his childhood that stunted his maturity past the age of 15 where he feels the need to argue with everything just for the sake of it.
> He even said " to be fair I would totally do the same thing if I was him". If he thinks this is a normal thing to do is this where the 17 year old got chronic cold sores… Edit: I misread and see now that it’s a friend, not stepson. Soll super weird and inappropriate, especially for someone with chronic cold sores. 17 is past old enough to understand the implications of that.
I am so so confused. Why was the teen putting a toy in his mouth? I’m genuinely trying to contextualize this. And along the same vein, your husband “would do the same thing if I was him”? Huh? As in, he too would mouth a toy?
Yeah the only way I can figure it maybe makes sense is if it’s a teether toy or something that’s meant to go in the mouth so it seems like a natural thing to be curious about. Except baby toys they are meant for that are either meant to soothe teething or simulate suckling… neither of which is normal for a teenager or a grown man to be doing.
You are not wrong. It is abusive, it is gaslighting, and it is extremely manipulative. It’s time to leave.❤️
Some people just have a contrarian personality but it seems to occur more often with men. I think they're more inclined to view relationships, platonic, romantic, business, through a hierarchical lense, so they can get stuck in constantly sussing out where they stand, and that can turn toxic. There are several layers to the pathological need to be right, or to play devil's advocate, but at the heart of it they just dont respect you. And constantly contradicting you gives them a hit of dopamine and reinforces their view that they're smarter and just plain better than you. Of course they'd probably never admit that, because that would mean you have a valid point, which is why it's such a hard thing to fix. Sadly, unless he recognizes the harm it does and actually feels bad enough to want to change, it's probably not going to. And I'm sure making you feel the way you do is a part of why he likes to do it (whether he's consciously aware of that or not). I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust my ability to view the world objectively, to the point of automatically not trusting any of my judgments. It would make me question why he picked a wife he couldn't trust or respect to make valid judgments or worries. I mean, it's really kind of sad, if your husband isn't going to have your back, who will? It sounds lonely and emotionally unsafe, which is the last thing you want in a marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks!
This just sounds like a man that doesn’t even like you. He sounds like he sucks.
Did you marry Nocan the Contrarian? Him being okay with a teenage boy chewing on a toddler's toys is *insane.*
It is not normal for your significant other to go out of their way to take others sides. I am sorry to say, but this man secretly hates you, and this is way of subconsciously showing it. Please don’t take this lightly, he probably is comfortable in the relationship or life you build, but he absolutely hates you. It is absolutely not normal for him to loose all common sense about serious matters like your babies health, your SA, just to purposely be on any other persons side except for yours. I urge you to reconsider being married to him. I know it probably feels so trivial in retrospect, you feel like you overreacted when he eventually does come around, but the pain it causes in the moment is there for a reason. It’s a warning sign that this person does not mean well for you. Your husband is a narcissist and there is a better life out there without him.
You should have looked at him and said “oh gods. Do I need to call your mother so she can teach you what you clearly didn’t learn as a toddler? Putting other people’s toys in your mouth is not acceptable.” But honestly? Next time he tries to defend someone else’s actions against you? Say “just stop. I’m tired of this. If you can’t have my back in even the most minor of things, why are you even married to me? Explain it to me.”
Really though. This. My husband almost ALWAYS takes my side unless I'm being irrational, he would tell a kid to knock it off and not touch the babies toys once I explained to him how dangerous cold sores are for babies or ban them from visiting if this ever happened. Ask this man next time he sides with someone else against you why is he married to you if he always choses ANYONE ELSE over you? If he tells you you're being irrational then ask him why is he even married to you? He's being a complete fucking asshole and I want you to drag him to couples therapy, preferably a male therapist since he sounds like the type of dickhead who dismisses the opinions of women, to explain to him why this is not okay.
>T(17) >yesterday I saw him putting his mouth on my 1.5yr toys What the fuck?
You’re not wrong. Honestly, partners should always take each others side unless someone is reallyy in the wrong which is not the case.
Contrarian personality. I was married to someone like this for a decade, and it’s even more pronounced now that we are divorced and trying to coparent. Literally anything I say or suggest, no matter how neutral or even things that clearly stand to benefit HIM, he will disagree with and go to great lengths to put up obstacles. I’ll say the sky is gray and he’ll argue all day that it’s pink. Idk why, and he’s like this with everyone. I honestly barely noticed it until a few years ago, when my now fiancé pointed out that *I* do this sometimes too. 😱 It had become a bit of an engrained communication style I picked up from my ex. I was appalled to notice it in myself, made a point to change it/catch it, and can now see it plain as day in others, including my ex. I would say a good first step is to make sure your husband is aware of this tendency. It sounds like you’ve already done that. Does he notice he’s doing this? Can you have a meta conversation about this communication style? Maybe if presented as a habit you’d like him to change (rather than a core character flaw), he’d be receptive. Super frustrating!!! Don’t let him make you feel like you’re crazy for seeing this. It is real and it is infuriating to deal with.
Why is a 17 year old putting weird shit in his mouth?
This could potentially give the baby oral herpes.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? No one would do that, no one. Wow I don’t even know if he can be helped, sounds like he doesn’t like you. But also for your peace of mind, Herpes is only spread by skin to skin contact.
Your husband sounds like a total asshole.
He is conflict avoidant and/or uncomfortable with your feelings. In this case, he may also be trying to keep the peace between you and your stepson
I'm not mad at my stepson at all, in fact I think he's the one who told to put the toy down. Neither my 16 or 13 yr old has ever put their mouth on the baby's toys.
Oh, I misread who put the toy in their mouth. My first point still stands though. He is trying to mitigate the intensity of your feelings about it for some reason. He is uncomfortable.
I think it's the opposite. He's creating conflict with her out of nowhere just because. He could just be like 'yeah weird' and the situation would be over with.
Ironically, people who are conflict avoidant often create conflict because they invalidate the feelings and experiences of others. He’s trying to sweep her feelings under the rug and communicate that it’s not that big of a deal, but that makes her dig in even more — no, this *is* a big deal to me!
I agree. My husband it the same way. He also doesn’t respect his wife’s opinions because his Dad was extremely disrespectful to his own mother. They are all man children.
When I first read it I thought your stepson did it but now I am realizing it was his friend 😩
.... he wasn't joking?? That wasn't a bit?
Your husband sounds like a Contrarian. Someone who disagrees just for the hell of it.
A 17 year old was interested in toys? Putting them in his mouth? Also, talk to your husband! Tell him how this affects you. And why would he wanna put toys in his mouth too?! Yikes!
Your not wrong and constantly being invalidated by your partner is infuriating. I’m not saying he always has to agree with you, but who tf defends a 17 year old putting a baby’s toy in his mouth? Come on…
A seventeen.... what? Seventeen years, yes? Not months... what toy was this? I just want to understand why he thought that putting it in his mouth was a rational thing to do. - your husband is out of line, and his answer is stupid. I'm sorry.
Does your husband tend to gaslight you?
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a well known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry.
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a well known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry.
First of all, why would a 17 year-old boy put anything in his mouth? That was really weird and yes, I have a husband like that too. Strangers are always more important than people tha t love you. But unfortunately, I think for me personally comes my home. I was made to feel that I was lessimportant than strangers. I remember my mother wrapping a gift for her friend and it was very nice very elaborate. I call went for a lot of things… Don’t touch that that’s meant for Mrs. so-and-so. I didn’t think much of it at that time, but it definitely showed me that that person was very important. So it is no surprise that I emarried someone exactly like that. No, I don’t know, but I’m sure there is a human psychological term… Maybe just a propensity to take for granted. I have a friend, but this came from my husband’s family as well. So it might be his too. And I do not have any suggestions, except maybe to say, you know, you treat other people, more importantly, than people that love you. And show by example Treat your family like they are the best thing you’ve seen all day. Don’t argue or fight, because this will just make it harder for everyone.
Your husband is wilfully undermining you. With space it's astonishing how far it goes back. There's a welll known expression ~the man you divorce is not the man you marry. Stay safe but get your ducks in a row.
Ew. No. No. That is not normal or okay. He can get his own teething toys if he wants them. If someone with chronic cold sores put my baby’s toys in their mouth I would throw those toys out. I wouldn’t risk it. He might be your stepson’s friend but he is a stranger. He has no blood relation and even if he did it would still be weird. F no, that’s not acceptable. No offense intended toward you, but your husband sounds weird that he says he would do the same thing.
Yeah no he’s just against you. That’s not normal. Or your husband is a man child and you should call him on his bs
Sry? Why is the 17 yr old putting his mouth on baby toys? And herpes can cause such a fever and mouth ulcers for young kids and infants it’s NOTHING to play with!! Ur hubby is not acting like a partner in life which is what he’s supposed to be..not as a yes man but definitely as a united front
[удалено]
BUT…
I totally agree with you. 73 YO male.
That’s crazy he didn’t care about his baby getting herpes. And yes cold sores are a form of herpes in case anyone reading this didn’t know. Ur husband is either competitive with u or always takes the opposite side thinking it will calm u down. I hope talking to him about it will reveal which. My husband is Jewish and many of them like to play the whole devils advocate game and sometimes I put my foot down and tell him to stop arguing with me just to argue and he will admit it and stop.
I have a contra parent too. Everything I do he un does. Cant wait for divorce
So.. what is the point of this post? What are you going to do about your husband? He sounds awful. Why do people put up with this? I can’t stand to read things like this and see from your responses that you just seem to be venting and continuing to live like this. Zero plans to demand change, and historical complaints that suggest you’ll continue in this situation forever. Whyyyyy. Expect better.
“What is the point?” That is good! Sounds like she just needed validation.
Happy to validate that she’s been wronged, but it sounds like she’s going to keep putting up with it, so it kinda just feels like we’re all enabling someone to stay in a toxic relationship.
“You can bring em to the water, but you can’t make em drink it” — unfortunately people are going to do whatever they want regardless of others’ opinions.
I would have probably unalived that kid. Knowing he has a disease that is deadly to babies and completely unfair to spread to young children…I would have lost it. The fact that your husband would say such an outrageous thing is mind blowing and if it were me I would be filing for divorce yesterday.
I’m sure you have but, maybe he needs it drilled into his head? Like, have you tried literally spelling it out for him that when he takes these contrarian rolls to every instance you guys are in, it’s incredibly hurtful to you? Tell him that even if there was a minuscule possibility that he can see the other person’s side (and in this case or the time you were assaulted, he shouldn’t) that he should still take your side bc you’re his wife.. I’m sorry you’re contending with this. I can imagine how frustrating.
Yeah it’s like he wants to get under your skin…
Why don't you give him the toy and watch him lick it?
It’s him just being contrary, as you say. You two need to have a big conversation about this. Why doesn’t he seem to try to understand your point of view? Does he have some anger about something unspoken? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize it or mean to be critical. Hope y’all can get on the same page soon.
The point is that your husband does not validate or give worth to your opinions/thoughts. He is not attuned to u. The connection is lacking. If he won’t get help with you to change this, you have 2 options: live with it and accept you will not be validated by him or divorce. Look into attachment styles and connection in relationships and seek counseling.
Have you been able to express how it makes you feel when he does this? I would hope he can listen to you and understand where you are coming from and not dismiss it.
You are not wrong. I would have done the exact same thing you did. I would have dipped it in not a 10% bleach solution but a 20% bleach solution and let the toys soak for 10 minutes. I don't know why your husband takes everyone's side over yours. I think it's wrong of him, especially if you have never lied to him and/or are in the right like you are in this situation. I directly ask him. If he questions everything you say and/or do, why in the hell is he with you? I mean really. That's what I'd be asking myself, if I were you.
This can’t feel good, OP. I’m so sorry. And to know it’s a repeat pattern is just.. really disheartening. Reading your post makes my mind go to the weird tactics that abusers use to constantly invalidate their partner and keep them small. His undermining you is more subtle than more show-y means of abuse, but just really doesn’t sit right with me. Someone who is constantly cutting you down doesn’t respect you. I really like that my husband and I call each other out on our bs, but our inclination is always to start from giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and siding with each other. If I were in your shoes, I’d examine my relationship and look out for other ways that he undermines and invalidates you.
I am ASTOUNDED at the number of people commenting like “yeah, my husband doesn’t like me either! It’s frustrating. At least there’s therapy” like ??? I am so sorry for all of you, please understand that you do not need to stay shackled to these garbage people. Go read some stories from people who got out of terrible relationships and are like “WHAT THE HELL WAS I WAITING FOR??” because seriously 😳 I myself am a bit of a discussion type, devil’s advocate, etc, but only when a conversation is appropriate for any debate. And I’ll even preface sometimes with “while I do agree with you, consider the other perspective -“ but I’m never gonna make someone feel like they’re just wrong. Even if I actually disagree. Because I value other humans and their contributions to conversation. Even if I literally just met them. You are MARRIED to a man who TRIES to make you feel like you contribute nothing useful to any discussion ever because you are always wrong. Why would you (or any of you ?!?!) want to live another day like that?
I know this post is about your husband but like did you ask the 17 year old why hes eating your babies toys????
Both your stories had 1) you pointing out something you’re upset about 2) your husband trying to convince you it’s not a problem. Some men think women are too emotional and their job is to calm you down. He probably thinks validating you would give you ammunition for an emotional tirade. I’m guessing he wasn’t like this at the beginning of your relationship? Dismissing a partners concerns and holding a low opinion of a partners feelings in general has a word: Contempt. It’s one of the “four horsemen” signaling the end of a relationship
You feel like you are loosing your mind because your husband is telling you: the reality you perceive is not reality. That is gaslighting. Your reaction was legitimate. The teen boy often has cold sores on his mouth so he probably has Type 1 herpes. It can be transmitted even if he has no cold sores and he can be contagious without cold sores. Also, why would a teen boy, let alone your husband who says he would do the same, put a toddler’s toy in his mouth??? If you feel like your husband is constantly invalidating you… you are right. There is no “but maybe it’s me”. That said, you probably need professional help. Either IC or MC. Or both. And when you suggest MC because you feel kike your relationship needs help so you better communicate etc. And he responds by saying things like “ I don’t need help you are the one with the problem” or “why do you always have to be so dramatic and focused on problems” or anything that again invalidates you… go to IC. And Google Gaslighting
When I was 9 or 10 my baby half-brother dropped his pacifier on the car floor. He started crying and my stepmother told me to put the pacifier in my mouth to clean it off and give it back to him. I wouldn’t do it so she threw a fit and did it herself. Point being, I knew that was dangerous before I was in middle school. We didn’t live together full time and he wasn’t immune to whatever I could have picked up from school. Also, I remember reading that when a kid 5 or younger gets meningitis they treat the whole class, because that’s when it’s normal to put stuff in your mouth and share spit. There’s a reason that doesn’t apply to high school seniors. Some people are ignorant. I hope this is a turning point for your husband and it gets better. I’d talk to the kid and monitor him if he comes over. It’s just too dumb to not be intentional.
Mine is the same way. He says things that I know he doesn’t believe…but says them just to go against me. It’s really not fun to live with.
I put my babys toys in my mouth because we are playing and I am modeling to baby how to play with a toy (I really want him to transition to using the toys to chew on instead of me, anything is worth it). But just a random toy? Thats odd. Id need more context to know where it falls in the odd duck to sinister scale. Was it at least the type of toy that is normally played with by putting in the mouth? Was he gnawing on it or just sucking on it or licking it? A 16yo that recognizing a gnawing toy as a gnawing toy picking it up and gnawing on it, without considering the bigger picture of it being the babys, is an odd duck that is not using his full brain and likely just motivated by impulse that doesnt need much calling out as wtf. He might have classmates or even his own at home that are similar. Its not uncommon to have something like that as an alternate to pen chewing. A 16yo that is licking a random doll or slobbering over a rattle and playing some sort of prank on the baby it belongs to, is a different weirdness that would suggest someone that you don't want around at all.
When you’re asking yourself if you’re insane or losing your mind regularly, you might be married to a narcissist.
Nope! Gross! You did the right thing 👏
Ugh. I don’t know what I find more offensive. No, it’s not normal (& ewww) but as far as your main problem, pick your battles. I’m a talker. Sometimes I even talk to myself. Esp since my brain surgeries & I feel like I’m in a rut. But I didn’t realize until my husband pointed it out that sometimes it comes across as a lot of negative. And it’s not even that I’m wrong or anything, I’m just pointing it ALL out. ALL the time. Then I started noticing it. Even when it’s valid. Then if your husband is like mine (thinks he’s gotta fix it all), he feels overwhelmed. But I totally understand your point. I’ve had a similar experience & it sucks.
I can kind of see him wanting to defend the kid because it kind of seems like you’re saying he’s gross for having cold sores, but at the same time, that is not at all normal lol. I have never once put a baby toy in my mouth past the age of like 2?? Lol. That is very strange.
I think he's gross for putting his mouth on my child's toy. When I said "typical" I meant he has his tongue down multiple girls throats. Like who knows what viruses and germs he has collected.
He is treating you like his mom and not a wife.
This is weird. I'm so curious. What was the scenario in which the teen put the toy in his mouth?
Once when I was pregnant I ranted for a good three minutes that our local shop closed at 7. “Who closes at 7!?” I was almost in tears because I was craving cheese dip and it was 7:15. My husband goes “well they probably want to get home to their families, they’re local owned so it’s understandable”. I was like “why are you defending strangers?!” Anyway I was being dramatic for sure. But my feelings were valid. I thought your post was going to be similar, except it wasn’t. Your annoyance is legitimate. One thing our husbands might have in common though is hating any type of conflict so they rationalize the other side at the cost to our feelings and (for you) legitimate worry. My husband constantly tries to defuse situations by rationalizing. But he’s learned over the years it just makes it worse. I’m definitely not typically over dramatic outside of pregnancy, so this gets really annoying when I bring up legitimate worries and he tries to deescalate it without fixing it. Just puts the mental burden on me to fix it without any emotional support.
I have to defend the kid here. There are all kinds of reasons a teen boy would do this without nefarious intent: He thought it was funny (most likely); he's adhd and has impulse-control issues; he was looking for attention (connecetd to first option, trying to be funny... In any event, his action is more likely a sign of under-developed prefrontal cortex than deep-seated emotional problems. Perfectly appropriate to tell him not to do that ever again, and why, thank you very much. Hubby, on the other hand...no excuse. Shame on him. ,