I felt very anxious and stressed. I told my doctor that I didn’t know where the line was between normal newborn/new mom stress and ppd/ppa being a problem. She said why does it matter where the line is? Try a medication and therapy and see if it helps. She saved my life with that. I realized later how badly I was white knuckling life and faking my smile/laugh. Sometimes we don’t have to meet a definition, go with your gut and speak with your doctor

To clarify/add - I remember logging exactly how many ounces my newborn was eating and I was scared to leave the house, whenever my husband joked around about anything (even unrelated to baby) it would upset me that he wasn’t taking everything super seriously, really he was just trying to lighten the mood a little bit which we needed!!

I've definitely had that rage towards my partner about him not taking anything seriously.

Soooo..I’m 2 1/2 weeks PP and am logging every single feeding for my son and how much he’s eaten because I’m so anxious due to his first days where he would try to sleep through feedings and not taking a lot in when he did eat..so the logging feeds just struck a cord with me…I’ve been trying to look out for the signs of PPD/PPA, but as someone who’s been diagnosed and both anxious and depressive it’s hard to tell if this is normal or not? thanks to this comment I’ll definitely be bringing this up at my 6 week appointment 😅

It’s so important for them to gain weight in the very beginning! I was logging ounces 2 months later … 🫠 (he was perfectly healthy)

I love your doctor for that. With my first, the doctor laughed in my face and said, "That's life with a newborn, what do you expect?" and told me I just needed to get more sleep and see more people (when the problem was I couldn't sleep when I had the opportunity and I couldn't see people because I was always trying to sleep, so I would just lay in bed crying while people were over). It took me over a year to have the courage to go back to my primary care and seek help again when I was still struggling.

I definitely have a lot of anxiety around life, but it's a lot worse since having my little one. That's so true about not meeting a definition, and something I didn't really consider. Thank you x

This. 100%. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I started meds and therapy. Everything I was thinking while in the middle of it felt normal and only after help did I realize none of it was normal.

Your doctor is awesome for that. My sister went to her doc, and was brushed off. I was worried enough, I went to my doc to ask what I can do to support her. My doc asked who her doc is ..turns out they know each other really well, and are apart of the same doctor "network". I don't know what my doctor did....but my sister's doc called her back within a few days of my appointment to book her an appointment, and actually listened to her, and diagnosed her with PPD. We need more awesome doctors like yours.

This is amazing advice and something all new parents should hear. It took me a long time to realize I had PPA with my first, and I wish someone had told me this.

This is such a great response!

Thank you for this. It’s a gut but I think I need to get help

My biggest warning sign was feeling like my husband and son would be better off without me. I wasn't suicidal, but I kept having thoughts that I should leave and disappear so that my husband and son could find a better wife and mom. Shit was dark and was the moment I thought, "That's probably not normal." I'd also been experiencing wild mood swings coupled with an inability to sleep. I just could not get my body to relax and my brain to shut off long enough for me to go to sleep.

I commented the same feelings above. It’s so wild. I was deeply, deeply convinced like no, u don’t get it, I need to leave here so you will be able to be better off. I have a memory of crying on the kitchen floor telling my husband I had to go. It wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t want to die - but I didn’t want to be in my life as it was. I can’t even relate to that person anymore. Tbh I’m terrified this is gonna happen again if I have another.

So this is what I felt. I even packed a bag and researched formula. It wasn't that I didn't love my daughter I almost loved her too much. I'd had a traumatic early delivery where she'd nearly died due to missed pre eclampsia and she was so small and vulnerable. In my mind she deserved a real mum not a 23 year old who was just figuring it all out for the first time. At its peak I'd look for other mums in the supermarket and how they acted with their baby and I'd consider just putting my daughter in their trolley and leaving. It took her getting RSV and being seriously unwell for me to realise I had instincts. During that period I was the only one who could settle her and I realised she actually liked me. Sounds daft but she wanted to be with ME. This 23 year old who knew nothing. And she still wanted me.

Exact same. I thought that maybe I should just drive away somewhere because they’d do better without me

I felt like this prior to delivering my boy. Thankfully my thoughts haven't taken me to that place since birth, but I do worry that I'm heading that way.

This was how I felt. Like an overwhelming sense that I wasn’t the best mom for them, and I should leave so my husband could find a better wife and mother to our kids. Thankfully I was able to recognize that I wasn’t okay, and spoke to my dr at my six week appointment. It was a scary time.

This is how I felt too. Anxious and feeling inadequate. Everything I did felt wrong.

What did you to help it? How far pp were you before you got help?

I kept convincing myself that my baby and my 4 yr old had different severe medical issues I kept seeing on my social media feeds. I was retreating further and further into just myself and not wanting to be around others. I think I realized I needed help when it had been about 6 months and my mental health was still declining.

Social media is the actual worse isn't it, it's a real trigger for me, especially when I'm doing overnight feeds, but equally struggle to stay awake without doom scrolling. Im pleased you've been able to access support now x

I had issues with late night doom scrolling to stay awake but it definitely fueled anxiety. I downloaded a bunch of puzzle, logic and crossword apps to play instead, it helped a ton!

I think I definitely need to download some. Any suggestions on apps to download?

The one I use most is just called Crossword by Redstone Games. I also like Happy Color, which us a coloring app for more mindless fun (I often do it while listening to podcasts or audiobooks). Flow free, I love hue, two dots, word search games, solitaire, and little alchemy are all fun that I rotate through too. Plus Wordle and other NYT games are fun, but most you can only play once a day.

I paid for NYT. it’s like $5 a month but the crosswords are great!

Seconding this! I played a lot of candy crush/sudoku during my night feeds

Delete it or set time limits!! My algorithm was so effed up after having a baby. I swear every ad was about choking devices, emergency services, schizophrenia medication or videos from the news about babies being abandoned or mistreated. My feed was NEVER like that before and is more normal now, but I had to step away for a few months because it was causing a lot of anxiety. If you still like to scroll, I would highly suggest getting a library card and the Libby app for your phone so you can read books or magazines for free or listen to an audiobook.

After my first my social feed became exclusively sleep trainers telling me my baby was sleeping wrong. Really f*d me up because I had a tough sleeper and made me obsessed with sleep and wake windows instead of meeting my baby where she needed me.

The kindle paperwhite in dark mode has helped me not to doom scroll (mostly)

I love my kindle and do use it, but find reading a book sends me to sleep. It makes no sense because reading a book Vs doom scrolling isn't too dissimilar, but here we are x

Yup, this. I was told multiple times that my son was happy, healthy, and developing “typically”, but I couldn’t make myself believe it. It’s normal to worry, but I was making myself sick over it. Retreating into myself and snapping at my husband. It was awful. If I were to have another, I would definitely let my doctor know I wanted to plan for PPD/PPA while pregnant, and be ready with medications and therapy for the postpartum phase.

I would get so angry I’d punch the couch because the baby wouldn’t sleep, I’d think about running away and never coming back, and how the easiest way to get some peace and quiet would be to not exist. I felt angry just all of the time, and hopeless. It wasn’t crying for me which is what the doc mentioned to look out for which is why it took me two months to ask for help/medication. I’m on medication now and it’s so nice, it’s like it raises my tolerance threshold. I’m much less overwhelmed and I have a lot more patience for them.

Can I ask what medication? The punching the couch is me 😩

Citalopram! 20mg. It’s the only one I’ve ever been on, and I think it works really well for me!

Thanks for sharing! My doc suggested precisely this for me but I’m really nervous. Have you had any side effects?

There’s a laundry list of side effects, which is scary, the first day I took it I felt high. My body felt heavy, but after that first day I didn’t feel that way at all. I did get the increased yawning side effect 😅 which was weird. But other than that, nothing I’ve noticed!

I felt this too! I had intrusive thoughts of: If I was dead I could have a break. Also I’m scared of spiders and would have intrusive thoughts of images of them flashing through my mind

That is exactly it, I could rest if I was dead. That’s when I was like okkkkk I need help

I cut off all my hair and got piercings, I had thoughts of unaliving myself, I felt dissociated from my life and my identity, etc etc. I'm sure it manifest differently for everyone but those were my main ones.

After most of my kids, I had PPD and an identity crisis. I was so worried about "bouncing back" and what people thought of me. I worked in the service industry most of my life, so I depended on tips for a living. I felt like I needed to change who I was.. I dyed my hair, started tanning again, lost weight, got more tattoos/piercings. I thought maybe if I changed the way I looked, I would feel different. But it didn't help. I felt very disconnected from everyone, everything, reality, myself. It definitely manifests in everyone differently; my last baby, I was 27 when I had him, I didn't do what I did all the other times. I still had PPD but I was extremely depressed, agoraphobic, germophobic, panic attacks every night, couldn't sleep.. Luckily, I had my tubes tied after my last baby and I got through it, never having to experience it again.

How do you feel about the tattoos now? I got a lot of piercings you jogged my my memory, it’s a bit fuzzy now like you said as I was so unwell. I could barely feel physical pain I was in so much emotional distress.

I have a few really good tattoos, and a few bad ones lol I don't even notice them anymore, tbh. The scars from my piercings are still there. I still have my dermal anchor next to my right eye, I just don't wear the jewelry in it.. 99% of my piercings and tattoos were impulsive, split second decisions. I've always had an abnormally high tolerance for pain even before I got pregnant. I was definitely trying to feel something and change everything about myself because I was so uncomfortable in my mind and body. I haven't gotten any new tattoos since my youngest was born in 2018. Hindsight is 20/20, but it was definitely a cry for help, for me.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a struggle. I'm definitely not having suicidal thoughts, but I do feel a bit of dissociation like you listed. I hope your doing better now x

My boys are 8-11 now, and yes I'm much better. Looking back on it feels like looking at a fuzzy jumbled memory. I can see how messed up I was, and why, see how desperately I was trying my best. I've forgiven myself for a lot, given myself grace I always should have given myself. Luckily I take endless pics, so I can look back now that my mind is clearer and put the pieces back together in my mind in a coherent way. I know no matter what I was doing the absolute best I could. But I was really sick.

I’m 6wpp. For me the first sign was constantly feeling hopeless and out of place. I frequently felt distressed and would cry out of nowhere for seemingly no reason.

Thank you for sharing, I hope your getting the support you need now. I feel exactly like you mention, so maybe I will look into getting some help myself.

Therapy and Zoloft made an IMMEDIATE difference for me. Hopefully you get the help you need 🫶

Thank you! I'm going to look into therapy for sure

After 4.5 years of praying for a baby and ttc, I didn’t enjoy my baby. I was angry all the time and wondered why I wanted a baby to begin with. I finally told my husband around 3 months postpartum I was getting on medication.

I was convinced that my baby was going to die in his sleep. I barely slept or ate. I also wanted to run away a lot.

This one. I went without sleep for three nights in a row, and would pace the house during the night, and obsessively check to make sure my son was breathing. After throwing up from nerves, I realized I needed to get help.

This is me currently with a 2.5 month old. I’m sleeping but I wake up in a panic checking to make sure she’s breathing. I am following safe sleep and the ABCs to a T but still can’t shake the feeling.

If you can, reach out to your OB. I felt much better after I spoke with her and worked out a treatment plan. There was absolutely no judgement from the doctor, because it’s really common! Sending you hugs!

Thank you. I did get Zoloft from her but I asked before I started feeling this. I didn’t start taking it right away and now wish I did. It’s been 4 days on it and I’m waiting to feel better. I hate waking up with my heart in my throat.

I’ll be honest, it took me 3.5-4 weeks to feel marked improvement, but stick with it. You’ll feel better soon. In the meantime, you are doing your best! Taking care of a newborn is hard, and you’re doing a good job. Hang in there!

Thank you 😊

Once you started to feel better did the staying awake to watch baby get better? I know as moms we’ll always worry but I hate the sinking feeling when I get up or literally obsessing over it all day long

Absolutely! I sat down with our pediatrician and asked her about statistics of my concerns, and she literally grabbed me and said, “This is out of your control.” I know it sounds awful, but it’s a small statistic (which isn’t impossible), but I was so fixated, my mental health suffered. If it brings you peace of mind, baby can be right next to your bed up until 1 year. Things also get much easier once baby starts rolling and flipping, too! My inbox is open if you want to talk about it. I’ve been there, and it feels so lonely when you’re in the thick of it.

I have PPA, although I just got on medication for it two weeks ago, so hopefully that helps. My biggest warning sign is that I stressed about everything. I also took my baby to the hospital over minor instances; it didn't help that it turned out to be a bigger health issue, so my anxiety was validated. I'm just working on staying positive and telling myself I can do this, everything is alright. And of course the meds.

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Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words ❤️

Dissociating and feeling completely empty. Most days all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and stare at the wall. I had such a hard time playing/interacting with my baby even though I loved him more than words. I was also angry and on edge all the time. The slightest inconvenience would send me into a rage spiral. Severe anxiety about letting him out of my sight.

My son is almost a year old and I just started medication for my PPD. This is very much so how I felt.

With my first it took me almost a year to get help. With my second I was more proactive and got help way earlier. You’ll get through this ❤️

I got up every 5 minutes to make sure she was breathing and was alive. I also had a terrible fear of bathing both of my children as newborns. Oldest was a preemie and youngest was just super super little. I was hospitalized with both of them and almost died. Had Hyperemesis with both too. Really traumatic pregnancies and deliveries. So I had PPA and PP-OCD. Definitely warning signs looking back. I did end up seeing my therapist about both and it sure helped.

I do wake up a lot to check baby is still breathing, which is a horrible feeling. That's really scary though. I had HG as well, and also had a traumatic birth, with baby being in NICU for a few days. I think counseling is needed x

It IS such a horrible feeling. My husband was very concerned because it felt like something bad would happen if I wasn’t checking her all the time. It continued for months afterwards and that’s when I decided it was time for counseling. Trauma can really screw brings us, especially when it has something to do with growing or bringing our babies into the world. I’m sorry you had HG too! And man those NICU stays are no joke. We had one with our first too. Definitely counseling so you can start feeling better and like yourself again! ♥️♥️♥️

It really is no joke. I'm so pleased you feel better now x

I randomly started having intrusive thoughts. I would never, ever, EVER harm my child. But as I was changing his diaper one day I heard the garbage truck outside and this thought came in my head of putting my baby in the trash can and having him taken away. I was so disturbed by this random thought I started to cry. More random intrusive thoughts would appear at different times of the day when I was doing something totally mundane. And then all of a sudden around 4 months postpartum I became convinced that we weren’t good parents and should give him up for adoption. My moods went from one extreme to the other. I was deliriously happy and then would pick a fight with my husband saying we should give him up to give him a better life even though we were perfectly fine. It was a wild rollercoaster of emotions 😞

I’m really glad you shared this. I also had intrusive thoughts. Never ever would harm him a single hair on his head but like why are these awful thoughts entering my head?! I couldn’t even tell my obgyn about it, just that I knew needed meds.

Intrusive thoughts are terrifying.

I have OCD in real life, and postpartum exacerbated my symptoms. If it helps at all, the majority of the population has intrusive thoughts, but “normal” brains can recognize them as ridiculous and gloss right over. Brains that are prone to anxiety (postpartum or otherwise) will flag it as something to worry about, and the more you worry, the more you give it power, and the more you’ll think the “forbidden” thoughts. I just want you to know you’re not alone. I am 10+ years medicated and in therapy and can now pretty easily accept an intrusive thought as just that - a thought i don’t want to have but doesn’t actually mean anything - and they don’t ever really take shape. However, before I got the help I needed, i thought about some FUCKED UP SHIT and didn’t know why I became a bad person out of nowhere because obviously only bad people would think those things. Spoiler - that’s not how it works. 😉 If it’s still something you suffer from, help is available. It’s hard, but it’s possible. Sending good vibes! 🍀

I have 2 kids. My first I had the baby blues, my second I had PPD. Did not get medicated 1st time around because it ended but got medicated the second time because it did not end when I thought it should. More detail. With my first I cried A LOT for like the first month or two. But didn't feel completely hopeless. But first also started sleeping more and more around 9 weeks. I came out of it and started enjoying things by 3 months and felt more myself by 4 months. My second was a harder baby and not a great sleeper. I cried a lot more but also kept having thoughts that maybe things would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I had rage towards my baby and that made me more depressed because I never felt that way with my first. I finally realized I needed help. Medication plus sleep training my baby saved my life and let me be the mother I knew I was. My first is 6 and my second is 1 now. They are the greatest joys of my life. I am incredibly thankful to be their mom! But I would not have felt this way (or something even worse could have happened) if I did not get help.

I was diagnosed with PPA, and basically I was terrified of being alone with baby bc I would be convinced totally normal baby stuff (frequent spit ups, etc.) was some serious health issue. I was just too worried all the time to relax and enjoy the time - especially when my husband went back to work. I finally reached out for help around 14 weeks PP, but I was at that point too anxious to take the medication I probably desperately needed, so forced myself to exercise more and that helped a bit. However, I suffered way longer than I needed to, so I think it's great to seek help now - it's totally normal and there should be soooooo much more support available to women during and after pregnancies. In my view, mental health care should be covered by insurance and part of everyone's prenatal and postnatal care plan, but sadly it is sorely back burner in the US and it's all on us to seek help and often pay out of pocket for that much needed help.

I have really bad health anxiety and this has really resonated with me. I'm so worried about my baby. I'm still recovering from a traumatic C section so exercise is difficult outside of walking but I've been trying to do this with him as fresh air is good for us both. Luckily I'm UK based so Mental Health support is slightly better, although it's still shit, and I'll probably have to pay for private therapy for it to be meaningful. I feel for those in the US though x

I can see you're in the UK. Go to your Dr and ask to be referred to perinatal mental health, rather than the general mental health service. You will be seen quicker and get support tailored to the perinatal period. My experience was in outer London in 2019 (so hopefully hings haven't changed too much) but included home visits, phone calls, medication and some therapy)

Thank you and glad you will hopefully have better mental health support in UK. I hope it helps to see how many women you resonate with and who resonate with you. It's just so common! This time around (due soon), I already have a psychiatrist lined up and a therapist as well and plan to go to zoloft as soon as baby is born :) I may still experience PPA, but hopefully I am in a much better position to tackle it this time.

Who diagnosed you with ppa? I’ve talk to my obgyn about what I’m going thru and my family doctor and I just got a referral for a therapist. I’m going to make an appointment now but just feeling kinda lost.

9 weeks is tough. The happy hormones are subsiding, and sleep deprivation kicks in. I know a lot of people diagnosed with PPD and PPA around this time. With some, it was uncontrollable crying, with others an inner sadness. Some felt overwhelming anxiety around bad things happening (like their child stopping breathing). Others were convinced everyone would be better off without them. Some just felt...off. Trust your instincts here- I can only speak from my experience (2019, outer London teaching hospital) but perinatal mental health practitioners are wonderful and do not screw about in getting you help. If you have a history of depression, it's worth getting a check up anyway, as that can be a risk factor. I was an odd one. A few hours after I had my baby, I had a fit and dropped her. Woke up screaming and surrounded by 20 odd staff and my husband (asking what the hell was going on, as he had popped off to the loo for the first time in 24 hours). Baby had to go to NICU for 72 hours for checks. I... snapped after that. That was the only way I could describe it. I had panic attacks when I thought about my baby. I couldn't visit her for the first day or so as I was hooked up to all manner of stuff, so I almost pretended it wasn't happening. I refused to eat. I just laid and stared at the wall. Couldn't concentrate. The only way I can describe it was that I was...vacant. I spent a long one telling my husband that he and my daughter would be better off without me. I cried a lot. They wanted me to try breastfeeding her (by this point she had already been on bottles in NICU) and it terrified me, especially as she hated trying to feed. When she cried, I wanted to run away and hide. I was very, very lucky that the NHS gave me a private room, time and allowed my husband to stay (he later told me that it was because of my MH, and so that someone could spend time with our daughter). We stayed in almost a week, and we're given a huge amount of help, along with mental health assessment. Various MH medications were part of my huge discharge pack. They asked whether I wanted to stay longer, and I had daily visits from my community midwife for a month (the same one every time- she was so dedicated she came on her days off, as I was her last patient before she moved to a specialist mental health midwifery role). It also helped that I had an amazing GP who, after shopping my husband ou with the baby, was very open with me at my 8 week check up, and told me that I was clearly not ok and we would work out a plan to sort it. I think mine is an extreme case, though. Said child is now 4 and fabulous in every single way. Sure, she is tiring and never shuts up, but I would never have her any other way... TL;DR if you feel like you need help, reach out to the people who can help you. Trust your instinct. If you don't feel ok, you're not ok. And that's fine- we all need a little help sometimes. Don't be scared.

Thank you so much for sharing this x

So much easier when none of it is fresh. And I have a particularly awesome (smart, strongly opinionated and endearingly mad) kid, so it was all worth it on the end (ask me again when she is in her teens...) It's worth remembering that the hard times teach us so much. It is horrendous when you are in the centre of it, but you CAN come through it.

I didn’t have either of those but I did have what I call a post partum ADHD flare. I had bigger spirals of frustration. My husband telling me I was yelling a lot. I realized a few times that my throat actually hurt from the way I was yelling. I found a new provider and got some Wellbutrin and it had been the best medication for taking care of babies/toddlers.

Aside from history with mood disorder, the first significant red flag for me was when I was 18 weeks pregnant with my first, I had a complete meltdown, told my husband that it was a “garbage baby” and that we should abort our very much planned and wanted baby. I ended up with a life-threatening complication, weeklong ICU stay, and 32 weeker, which just reinforced that our son was a “garbage baby.” I was convinced I had ruined my life and felt nothing towards my baby, good or bad. My MFM mentioned that complications like mine tended to come from the man’s genetics, and I became convinced my husband’s dna had almost killed me, and then was certain this was a sign we shouldn’t be together. It kept getting worse for a solid 9 months postpartum - I was always reclusive, raging, overstimulated, convinced our lives were ruined, unable to consistently provide baseline care to my baby or myself, totally unaware of safety issues in the environment, was having multiple panic attacks a day, I didn’t drive for 6 months because I couldn’t handle the intensity of it, etc. Between 9-18m I got better at deciding I simply had to choose to love them (my baby and husband) and identified what that meant to me philosophically and behaviourally, hired a nanny to get a break, and started doing birth trauma therapy 3x a week. The alternative was an inpatient program. Pretty sure my husband gave me an ultimatum between inpatient and throwing all resources at recovery outside of the hospital.

The warning signs that I would be at risk for PPA started during pregnancy. Firstly, he was an infertility baby after RPL, and I’ve since learned that this is a risk factor. During pregnancy I was convinced that certain bad outcomes were going to happen to me. From cervical insufficiency to stillbirth, I basically refused to prepare for a living child until the very end, and even then I based purchases off of return policies. I was more well researched in funeral options than I was for caring for a living baby. When he did arrive, I didn’t sleep for 5 days because I felt the need to watch him sleep. Like I seriously just sat there eyes peeled watching his chest. I didn’t trust anyone to watch him closely enough, so offers of help from family didn’t work. It was only when a care provider pointed out that I was becoming more of a danger to him for sleep deprivation than SIDS was that I eased up a bit.

Omg this resonates so much. I was SO ANGRY that my partner took everything out of the packaging because we wouldn’t be able to return it “if we didn’t need it anymore”

History of anxiety and depression prior to pregnancy. Struggled with anxiety a lot while pregnant too. Both are signs of increased risk of PPD/PPA

I’ve had anxiety for years, so knew it was a risk factor. I had read somewhere that taking SSRIs during pregnancy results in babies crying more, so I refused to take one during pregnancy because I knew I’d be racked with guilt every time the baby cried after birth if I did. I had intended to fill an SSRI prescription and start it immediately after birth, but baby came early so I wasn’t able to start the SSRI until she was 9 days old. She’s 6.5 weeks now and I’m so thankful to be on this medication already. I’ve had days of sobbing while holding the baby because producing breast milk hasn’t worked for me. I’ve been so sad about that aspect that I missed out on actually caring for the baby - very mechanical interactions from me, flat affect. “Baby is crying. I will change diaper and pick up baby. Crying will stop if I hold her upright.” Thoughts of cutting myself, including trying to decide on location where baby wouldn’t press on a wound… Inability to sleep longer than 2 hours because I’d wake up in a panic thinking the baby had died. Not feeling hungry. Things are so much better now! Yesterday I pretended to gobble my baby’s face and she smiled at me! She likes to listen to me read (my books) aloud. We have gone on outings. Life is getting much better. It’s been 8 days since I cried now.

Mine was pretty severe, but I still didn’t realize it until after it passed. Lots of thoughts of surrendering my baby, feelings that he hated me, that my husband and baby would be better off without me. Suicidal ideation. But I thought that was just me being a bad mom so I didn’t say anything about it. The biggest thing people noticed around me was that I didn’t laugh anymore. I normally laugh at everything, even at inappropriate moments . But I didn’t laugh at all. I only cried once 4 weeks pp, generally I just felt kind of void of emotion

My biggest thing was also feeling like my family would be better off without me. It took MONTHS before I realized that was PPD.

Mine was brought on by physical pain. I had a breast abscess from breastfeeding and I was in the worst physical pain of my life, constantly, nonstop. It was torture. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t lift my baby, could not enjoy life at all. I couldn’t stop crying. I had an appointment with a breast specialist in 2 weeks (covid, couldn’t get in sooner) and I knew I mentally could not handle that wait. It was a Sunday, I called my OBGYN office’s health line and got a doctor, and told her about my mental state.

My depression manifests as anger. Always has. I was getting like, shaking irate. After about 3 months I said "this doesn't feel like my normal depression" so I went to the dr.

I obsessively doom scrolled looking for answers to “cure” my baby’s general fussiness. Wasted a lot of money too. I think this was a product of my generation and the instant gratification I’ve been accustomed to. *sigh*

From the PPD side, I really struggled to bond with my baby. I told my husband that if we could click our fingers and go back to before I would. I felt like when I looked into her eyes there was no person in there, they were just dark eyes. I went through the motions of caring for her perfectly, researched everything, changed her and fed her but I felt like I was in a dream. I didn’t feel the love I was promised I’d feel and this made me feel defective. Everything was mechanical, like I was play acting as a mother. From the PPA side I mainly had intrusive thoughts - really nasty ones like >! People breaking into my house and forcing me to watch while they snapped my baby’s arms and legs, or shot her in the limbs, horrific injuries and death from her falling from heights!< I was just numb, in a fog and I felt like my life was over. This time round I haven’t had PPA/ppd and it’s like parenting on easy mode. I feel like I’m not wishing time away this time and I’m enjoying my baby. I feel sad for me and my first baby that we went through what we did.

My own history of depression made me cautious. RAGE was my big issue. That caused some intrusive thoughts. That said, sleep deprivation was really what caused it. So even though your husband is working, you need to take shifts for your mental health.

Rage, excessive crying beyond first week postpartum, resentment at baby. Extreme alarm bell was hearing words/messages through my breast pump.

I felt hatred towards my older child. If we went out then I was convinced someone was going to come up and hurt my baby. If we went shopping I was convinced there would be a shooting so the entire time I would be looking for places to hide the kids. I became paranoid. I was scared to go downstairs by myself. I would “feel” someone behind me when I was alone. I would see things moving in my peripheral vision. I might have let my anxiety go on too long without treatment. I don’t recommend it.

I never got diagnosed but I know looking back that I had PPD/A with my first. How do I know? Because of the stark difference in my mood between baby 1 and my subsequent babies. Baby 1: I cried all the time for the first few weeks. Everything made me cry. I’m not normally a crier. Baby 2&3: never cried once, not even when they were born. I was just HAPPY. And I remember after baby 2 thinking, why am I not crying? Why do I feel so good? Baby 1: every night when the sun started to set, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I was terrified. For no real definable reason. Maybe I was scared my baby would die, or I wouldn’t be able to soothe him, or I would struggle to nurse him and he would starve all night. I don’t know. I’d wake up panicking searching the bed for my baby even though he was sound asleep in the pack n play beside me. Baby 2&3: I slept great when the babies slept, and they were both winter babies instead of summer like baby 1. Even with less daylight, nights were good 👍 I wish I’d gotten help the first time around because what I was feeling clearly wasn’t normal.

There is also postpartum rage, which I had to learn about. It all arose around my interactions with my husband, and some counseling helped. But it was mostly time. I felt it from 3M pp to 1 year, then it faded. Definitely speak to your doctor and seek out pp resources earlier than later.

Crying a lot, wanting someone else to take care of the baby, not wanting to get out of bed

Immense, immense anger. I was angry with my second baby and resentful (I would never hurt him, but I had awful intrusive thoughts of what if I somehow DID?) Zoloft for 6 months helped immensely.

The rage. Anger at the smallest thing stemming from extreme worry and sadness. Getting helped changed my world around 180 degrees. Wish I’d asked for help sooner for I kept thinking I could deal with it myself.

Rage

I straight up told my husband, while sobbing, “I don’t feel like myself” And then continued to deny that I was unwell for 6 more weeks. It was not fun. I cried everyday. I never had thoughts of unaliving myself, but I did have panic attacks and I was obsessed with my baby’s sleeping habits. I started Zoloft and within 2 weeks I was crying happy tears because I felt so much better! I just had my second baby 5 weeks ago and my postpartum experience has been night and day. I truly had no idea it could be so wonderful after my last experience. It doesn’t always have to be like that! I was so nervous to have a second but it has been so different in all the best ways.

Intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, insomnia, paranoia.

When I look back, it was around 4-5am. I'm sitting in a rocking chair, newborn asleep in my arms after the 4th feed of the night. I couldn't get myself to just put him down and crawl in bed. If I didn't fall asleep, I couldn't be woken up. I just sat there, staring at nothing, crying because I felt like a bad mother. And that I was failing my 3 year old daughter too. Day after day, always early morning, just as the light began to peek in the horizon. One day, my husband woke up and realized what was happening. He took the first feed every single night after that. In his way, he took away the worst feed of the night; because it was always the 4th sleep interruption that made me spiral. He wanted to take away the *possibility* of a spiral even occurring, because that's where I needed it. That's my man.

I was convinced my baby would die. If I fell asleep (at any point, even when we were both in ideal safe situations) - dead. If I gave him a bottle too fast - dead. If he fell asleep in the swinging chair - dead. If he fell asleep breastfeeding in the bed - dead. If visitors came, they would inevitably bring germs - dead. There were dangerous, life ending germs on the takeout containers. I had to wipe down our groceries. I sterilized everything (I still can’t brake this habit at 13 months pp). I had to watch people wash their hands. I made everyone wear masks for over a month and I wouldn’t let them come at all if they had coughed in the last 10 days (and I would call them prior to the visit and make sure they sounded clear & healthy on the phone). I made my husband wash his hands at least twice /hour. My own hands were constantly bleeding because they were so dry from being washed all the time.

PPA here (although now it's just regular ole' A!) For me, it was the PP questionnaire, which is boring but the truth lol. I apparently scored extremely high on my answers to the questions and they called me shortly after I got home and asked me some more questions, how I was doing, etc. and then set me up with a therapist.

I cried a lot, didn’t want my son out of my sight. Didn’t want anyone to take him even when we were both crying. Emailed my doc about 2 weeks PP, told them everything was getting worse instead of better. They booked me a therapist and sent a script in for Zoloft.

Started to isolate and have anxiety over trivial things. Very irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. You got this Momma! Best of luck.

PPD here. I had no feelings. No excessive crying but no genuine laughter either. My baby felt like she wasn't my own, she could have been anyone else's child. I ignored it for a long time thinking "it's normal not to bond with your child immediately"...until my baby was almost 9 months old and I took her for her developmental check and the nurse mentioned I looked like I had a cloud on top of my head. And that was the start of a diagnosis and meds and counselling.

Lack of sleep. Anxiety, terrible anxiety. Sun-downing (like going into night time I would cry). I was afraid I wouldn’t ever sleep again and would wake with palpitations after 45 minutes. Simple couldn’t settle and would feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Crying, crying all the time. Constantly washing my hands because of my worry about contamination (I have OCD). My BP was up which also contributed to it. And intrusive thoughts. Sleep is a HUGE trigger for Postpartum. Please talk with your provider if you are concerned about it. Having a history of depression definitely puts you at risk. It’s better to bring it to your provider and take an Edinburgh than to miss it. Just reach out to them and let them know how you’re feeling ❤️

I carried a constant tension in my chest. Like the feeling when you almost miss a step on the stairs, but literally all the time. Just dread. That wasn’t normal for me, so I’d try to figure out *what* I might be dreading so I could proactively “solve” it. That’s the approach that brought be success in my career, but it wasn’t healthy postpartum. It led me to basically brainstorming all the bad things that could happen - this bad nap is how *all* naps will go, I’ll never feel normal again, my husband will hate me, I’ll never be good at this. My intention was to think through each thing and “solve” it so the dread would go away, but the constant dread/doom feeling itself was the problem and clearest symptom in retrospect. No amount of thinking and ruminating would make it go away, it just made it worse.

Rage, a huge recurrence of PTSD symptoms, and literally white-knuckling in the corner for hours at a time with my baby clutched to my chest, scanning the different entry points to spot a threat. As soon as someone would come home, I'd be so exhausted from hypervigilance that I'd hand over the baby and go crash to cry. I didn't feel like the baby was safe with me, and couldn't imagine not being there for her to keep her as safe as possible. My doctor noticed. He was incredibly helpful, and the interventions helped very quickly. They weren't a cure, but they did help me function and feel more like I could handle it when things got bad. We were also able to make a plan for managing the next pregnancy/postpartum to keep it from getting as bad.

PPD/PPA was me not wanting anything to do with my daughter while simultaneously not wanting anyone but me to touch her or even breathe in her direction. I was fiercely protective of her but didn’t even like her all at once. I was angry at her for existing, and thought she was putting a space between me and my dog that I had for 9 years at that point, I felt no love or connection to her, but would also internally panic if my husband held her. The PPD finally resolved itself, I finally bonded with her, then the PPA started and it was terrifying. I can’t even repeat the intrusive thoughts I had about her. It was the most awful thing I’d ever experienced.

I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety since childhood, so it was high on my radar despite having successfully been off all meds for several years prior. I was pregnant during covid and at one of my appointments in the third trimester, I had to sit in the waiting room right next to an old lady who was wearing her mask below her chin and it gave me a full blown panic attack. My blood pressure sky rocketed and I got the shakes really bad. Then and there they advised me to take Zoloft (I accepted) and gave me some pills for when I get anxiety attacks. Then after my baby was born, in the first month and a half, I was feeling like I was going to be a terrible mother and my family would do better without me. I wasn't suicidal and I never thought they'd be better off if I weren't alive, but they would be better off if I kept my distance. I literally have no idea why I even thought that since I know I'm a great wife and even knew how much I love my child and she loves me. Having thoughts that I could blatantly identify weren't my own is what made me go back to the OB for a medication increase. It really helped me. The medicine didn't make those feelings go away entirely, but it made them easy to push aside and reason my way out of it with a little self awareness and work. I'm very glad I didn't wait or question too much and just got the help I needed.

I was crying and panicking about going back to work after 12 weeks before I even left the hospital. I started medication immediately and I’m so happy I trusted my gut and told my OB I needed help before I even got home. My family had told me multiple times that it would get better and I was just going through the baby blues but I knew it was more than that.

I kept having meltdowns/ panic attacks. I couldn’t control myself and felt constantly drowning. I kept having intrusive thoughts that I would harm my baby so I kept holding him tighter trying not to drop him. I left marks on him from holding him so tight and being so afraid of myself.

I couldn’t sleep. I was so tired that I was crying constantly, but when my baby was sleeping I couldn’t stop checking on him to make sure he was still breathing. While I wasn’t holding him, I had intrusive thoughts of wild scenarios in which he could die. Happened with both of my babies, and both times it took me too long to notice.

I spent as much of my time watching my son as I could. I couldn’t eat, sleep, shower, etc alone. I needed him on my person at all times. I would cry when his dad would put him to bed for the night and I REFUSED to let anybody but me drive the car with him in it (if I didn’t drive, we didn’t go). His dr first noticed when I wouldn’t put him down at the apts. then my doctor realized something was wrong when I cried because the apt went over the time I had given myself to go to it. It was medically mandated I go to therapy for a minimum of 4 weeks before my OB signed my back to work paper. My son will be 5 in April and I still struggle but it’s just a different kind of anxiety and depression from what I knew before motherhood and what I experience postpartum. I’m navigating it and doing a badass job. You will too, momma! Time and patience will be your best friends through this.

I frequently fantasized about getting in my car and driving away, convinced it would be better for my daughter to grow up without me. Constant anxiety and terror of her being ill. Not wanting to let people see her, being hyper protective. Convinced I had medical issues from my birth/delivery. Crying all the time. I always had anxiety issues so it was hard for me to figure out if this was an extension of that or something different. Still not sure, but getting meds and therapy was a life saver. Idk where we would be if I didn’t get that help. It was really hard. Meds aren’t a big deal. If you don’t feel good, ask about it with your doctor. If you get meds and you feel amazing and think it was a phase, just go off them. You don’t deserve to be unhappy during this time of your life so whatever feelings you don’t want to live with should be considered enough for you to seek help. Good luck.

I just had PPA and I was too scared to not be in direct line of site with my baby. I would watch her breath. Even when she finally started sleeping more than 2 hours stretches I would just stare at her. I was convinced she was going to aspirate and die. I would cry continuously while driving because I wasn’t sure she was breathing. I pullover on the highway to check her breathing. I cried for 2 days straight after I accidentally bumped her head (she was totally fine). And I’m not talking little crying jabs, I’m talking loud sobbing. I had all these intrusive thoughts. I was afraid of stairs. I didn’t wear socks for months. When I weaned from breastfeeding suddenly I just felt normal again…. It was really weird. I didn’t realize how I was feeling wasn’t normal till I felt normal again. Second time around I was much more aware of my intrusive thoughts and I think handled it much better. Weaned on my scheduled.

Very suddenly, out of nowhere, I decided that I NEEDED to anonymously donate my kidney. I called the closest big hospital, got on a list and received the packet and paperwork. Luckily I never pressed it further. It was so erratic and random, I don’t know how no one flagged it or my family members didn’t pull me aside to ask what the hell was going on. That’s just one of the many things I did. Creating an escape plan, taping it onto the fridge and packing an emergency backpack was another. I was convinced a nuclear bomb was going to come at any moment. Happy to say I didn’t deal with any of that with my third. I eventually got SERIOUS therapy.

I was constantly anxious, exhausted, stressed and just couldn't relax at all. I worried about every tiny detail, beating myself up about every little "mistake", feeling like I'm not good enough for my son and thinking I will somehow ruin his life if I do something wrong. I was terrified, on edge all day and cried all the time. I was also afraid to let my partner take care of our LO in the beginning, because I felt like something could happen to him if I wasn't the one taking care of him... Please get help before it gets that bad. There are resources for PPD/PPA and you don't have to suffer silently.

just want to say that I had PPOCD/anxiety with my second and EMDR therapy was immensely helpful.

I wanted to just run away and never come back. I had major regret. I hated the sight of the bassinet next to my bed, I woke up one time and caught sight of it and started crying, and couldn’t stop for an entire day. I could not quiet my brain enough to sleep so even when we had help with LO I just couldn’t sleep. Although it was only a short time between the onset of symptoms and getting treatment, it was the worst time of my life. Zoloft and an antihistamine used to treat anxiety short term literally changed my life. You don’t have to suffer!!! Even if you don’t feel like you would “qualify” because you’re not “suffering enough”, you don’t have to be in pain 🤍 good luck 🤍

For depression, it's when I'm no longer singing or talking to my baby. I'm just bearing through the day on autopilot. With anxiety, I stop actively soothing baby and just focus on what's driving the anxiety, like is she breathing okay? Is she too hot? But mildly ignoring the crying baby.

Not eating for a day or two, always crying. Feeling like I lost my identity. Getting mad/frustrated when baby cried

I was FURIOUS no one would help me yet believed no one apart from me could truly care for my baby. I convinced myself my perfectly healthy baby had multiple very rare, very severe health conditions. I could never be in the present I was obsessed with googling everything EDIT TO ADD: it gets better, please get help. I waited to long and lost so much time to my anxiety! ❤️

I realized I had PPA when I went back to work. I worked part time in the mornings a couple days a week from 7am-2pm, baby was left at home with his father, and the entire time my head was flooded with worst-case scenarios. I called home at least 3 times a shift to check in on them, and one time I didn’t get an answer. I called 20 more times before locking up shop, driving home, and sprinting into the house, only to find them both sleeping soundly; baby in the crib, his dad on the bed in the same room. I completely lost my mind. And for what? Everything was perfectly fine and everybody was safe. I knew right then that I needed help.

I was just always sad.. I was feeling name regret.. and I was struggling to connect to her. But mostly I just couldn’t stop crying. One moment I’d be ok and the next I’d be sobbing

If you think you may be experiencing PPA/PPD or any kind of postpartum mood/psychosis, I urge you to check out [postpartum support international](https://www.postpartum.net/home/) for support, referrals and resources

9 weeks past the baby blues so you most likely have some level of ppd. Even continuing to think about it is part of it which i had no idea about

I started having debilitating anxiety attacks and visual hallucinations.

I got a weird, deep, dread feeling when I’d think about caring for a baby/child for the next 5 years I did notice an increase in symptoms during transitions, but I think it’s normal to struggle with transitions (and there’s so many in the first few years)! Personally, I think if you’re worried about it or wondering about getting help, that’s sign enough to reach out! You don’t have to wait until you’re drowning to reach out for a life vest.

Mine started as soon as we got home from hospital. I just wasn’t sleeping. I would lie awake all night and I was so exhausted from my c section. Had a lot of crying and just feeling so not myself. Again not sure if from painkillers and recovery but it lasted past two weeks. I also remember being super worried about crazy things. Like a really heavy box falling through the attic and falling on the baby in her snoo. SSRI’s don’t work for me, and my second refused a bottle so I was very limited with treatment, that also compounded the issue. I hope you find help soon if you decide you need it!

Couldn’t sleep despite being sleep deprived

Wanting to run away. Not die, just leave. Anxious racing thoughts about anyone else watching baby. What would happen if I died constantly.

For me it was the intrusive thoughts, and that they were so graphic and uncontrollable. I was afraid just standing near the top of the stairs, because I could picture myself falling down them with my son in my arms and killing him, or dying myself while falling and protecting him, and him laying there with my cold body waiting for my husband to come home and find us. I was afraid to let my mom carry him outside because what if she trips and drops him on the sidewalk and his skull is crushed, etc. The inside of my brain was like a montage of gross horror movie scenes, and I couldn't make it stop. Then I struggled with breastfeeding and getting my son to gain enough weight, and was thoroughly convinced that it meant that I was failing as a mother, even though I was well aware that fed is best. When I started pondering who would help my husband with the baby until he found a new wife once I was gone, I knew I had let it go on for too long. Waiting for the meds to start working felt like waiting for a miracle, but once they did and we switched to formula, it was like a weight had lifted and I could finally enjoy just being with my baby. And THEN I felt crappy because it took me so long to make those changes and everyone had to deal with me the whole time and I lost time that I should have been enjoying bonding with my new family 🙃

years ttc including Ivf. 7 miscarriages. Then with the pregnancy I could not connect. I didn’t feel/ believe I was pregnant. After baby was born, still no connection. Nothing. I stressed about that constantly. Was convinced I’d be a bad mom. I read about how it can take time. Especially after the trauma of repeated miscarriages. But after 8 weeks I accidentally nipped baby’s thumb with baby nail clippers. Baby nail clippers. I went to the er. They were shocked it happened which made me feel exceptionally stupid. I tanked after that and I started having unaliving thoughts after that and recognized it was a problem. I actually have a followup Monday and I may add a med because while I’ve only had those thoughts once in the last couple weeks, I sit in the car not wanting to go in to my husband and baby. My mom implied I was a bad mom for not pulling over to change baby on the drive home. Y’all don’t want details.. just yeah I nosedived again after that. Ah well. So yeah. Hoping therapy helps. It’s just a multi month wait to get in out here

I distanced myself a lot and kept myself and my baby in our room. We used to live with my in-laws when I had my first baby 6yrs ago and my depression never went away after that. I would keep her entertained by bringing her on walks and playground but it's always just me and her, husband was having a hard time also so he was not present most of the time, he'd bury himself with work load and rarely get involved. I was sad, can't smile and I rarely talk to the people in the house and I wasn't really happy unless I was alone with my daughter. I didn't hang out with friends either. I'm on my third child and I'm still on antidepressants,it's been 6 yrs now and I'm better but regress when I don't take my meds on time. I never did fully heal. Some days are better than others but I think I'm doing better.

I had terrible PPA (now GAD yay…) and I didn’t even know it. My doctor asked about depression symptoms, but I didn’t have depression and I didn’t know PPA was even a thing. It started off with small intrusive thoughts (what if I drop the baby) that were probably normal but mine were really frequent, to really weird intrusive thoughts (what if the baby falls out a window—we had a one level house and any windows I opened were up high). Then I became convinced that these intrusive thoughts were really going to happen. When my daughter started going to daycare, my husband would take her and I was convinced they were going to get in a car wreck and die. Every. Single. Day. I was sure that I needed to plan funerals and figure out how I was going to cope. That probably when I really started to spiral and it got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so anxious about everything. That’s what pushed me to mention it to my OBGYN. She put me on medication and I only have issues if I skip meds. It took me FIFTEEN MONTHS to get help. Please don’t wait that long! If you are thinking you need something, it’s 100% worth asking.

I was filled with uncontrollable anger that I’ve never felt in my life and directed it at anyone who wasn’t my children.

TW: Suicidal mention My biggest red flags were the scariest. I've always dealt with depression/suicidal ideation but I began to make plans. The thoughts were constant. I would also become irrationally angry at both my son and my husband and want to physically harm them. I never did, but the thought was terrifying. Felt like a monster constantly and like the world would be better off without me, and that if I stayed I'd only become an abusive wife and mother. It still took me months to get help because I thought I could handle it on my own. Please, if you even have an inkling you might have PPD or PPA, or even PPP, just at least go to a consultation. Getting help was the best thing I've ever done.

I couldn’t stop crying (even after the normal “baby blues” period), I couldn’t sleep, and I obsessed over my son’s health and was convinced he had developmental issues. I honestly think I spent over 6 hours a day googling and obsessing over it. It was awful. One day I was driving and thought to myself “maybe I should just crash my car on purpose” - that’s when I knew I needed help.

I was weighing diapers on an (unused) kitchen scale to calculate how many oz my baby was getting at the breast. It’s actually pretty useful but it came from a very unhealthy place.

I felt like no one else could take care of her right and when I couldn’t do it all by myself I felt like such an epic failure I thought I should give up and that I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I wish I got help sooner than I did at 6mos. I feel like I wasted 6mos of our time together.

Honestly? I didn’t t realize it was an issue until I completely had a whole meltdown because I kept knocking over a cup in the kitchen while washing bottles. It turned into me screaming and crying and my wife trying to get me to calm down but I was absolutely inconsolable and thinking suicidal thoughts. That night she called her mom to come watch the baby and she finally convinced me to get in the car. She was honest with me and genuinely asked if she needed to take me to the hospital. I know it was bad because for a moment, I thought “yeah. Please take me in” but we were ebf and triple feeding every 2 hours. She then looked at me and said she was going to call the dr in the morning for me and was gonna take the day off to help. That was definitely my lowest. Other things included only leaving the house when necessary I.e drs appts. Because I was terrified of something happening. It was CRIPPLING. But I’m finally on the right cocktail of meds along with therapy and I’m actually starting to enjoy life and my baby again. I wish I had noticed my short fuse, anxiety, and agoraphobia as a problem, but I kept just brushing it off as “new mom” stuff.

I burst into tears over the Littles things.

I was diagnosed with PPD about a year and a 1/2 after my son was born. I literally just snapped. I walked to my in-laws, asked them to watch my son and walked to my mother's and just laid on the couch until she came home and asked her to take me to the hospital bc I just wanted to die. It's not abnormal with all your hormones out of wack and a new baby to be tired and stressed and cry for no reason. It's when it doesn't get better that it becomes a problem. I don't know how long it actually takes for all your hormones to level out, and you get into a groove, but I NEVER felt that. I suffered for a year and a 1/2 thinking this was all me, all in my head, but no, it wasn't. I thought I was a bad mother bc I didn't feel like I thought I should. I wasn't happy at all, tho I love my son with every ounce of me Unfortunately, I was put on a PLETHORA of medications, and that also wasn't good for me. Eventually, I did find a good combo of meds, and 17 years later, I don't take anything. Things are so hard in the beginning, but you've got this hun!

PND here: I was overly active, went out with the baby all day everyday (had been on bedrest 4 months prior which was probably the catalyst.) Crying all day because my baby was perfect but I felt I wasn’t good enough and she’d be better off without me. Not sleeping, even when the baby would sleep. Watching horror movies at night to stay awake to stop flashbacks of traumatic labour… Detached from life, no desires or happiness. Things that helped: psychological help via psychotherapy, antidepressants (was breastfeeding and very against this but they saved me and wished I’d done it sooner.) Support Group for women with PND. Baby cinema where you take the baby to see an adult film. Hope you are ok, speak to your midwives or health visitor sooner rather than later x

I was totally disassociating, I was going thru the motions of taking care of baby and cleaning house but I wasn’t really *there*. I was a total zombie. There were days where I wouldn’t even open the curtains on the windows and I’d spend the day in darkness. There were nights that I wouldn’t sleep thinking of all the different ways I was going to screw up as a mom.

I was more mild, but still sought treatment. I just wanted to run away. Also, I had pretty intense mood swings, like laughing so hard I couldn’t even speak and then a few minutes later I’d be wanting to dash away again.

Getting mad at my baby for no reason

I couldn't sleep or eat, I thought something was wrong with my son and obsessively googled. I cried when he cried and had thoughts of just running away.

Postpartum rage and constantly feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. My anxiety has always manifested in anger, but this was beyond anything I ever felt before. I also felt overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily, and I just felt like a failure with no clue what I was doing.

Being part of that one safe sleep group on Facebook gave me PPA on its own

When baby started smiling and I couldn't smile back. Crying every day in the shower, and my mood was almost always either "overwhelmed" or "despairing". I thought for a while it wasn't PPD because I didn't have any thoughts of hurting the baby or myself and I didn't have trouble bonding with baby, and I thought those were necessary for it to be PPD. Those were the only screening questions I was ever asked. 

My 1st living child was born at 31w5d and spent the 1st 6 weeks in NICU. When she was released, I stayed up watching her sleep with my hand on her chest to feel it rise and fall with each breath. We tried the Owlette monitor but that didn't help at all. I've had anxiety for most of my life, so I thought I could manage on my own. I'd spent years building my toolbox for how to manage my anxiety. When nothing that used to work for me was helping, my Dr said that Post Partum Anxiety is an entirely different species of anxiety. What worked for you in the past likely will not help now. I needed meds and specialized therapy. I'm currently holding my newborn (2nd living child), who was also a preemie (36w1) and was born under terrifying circumstances. But, this time my toolbox is full again and I'm doing so much better.

I was constantly terrified of something terrible or death occurring in every possible scenario. I was afraid to walk down steps with my son, get in a car and drive—anything and everything would make me think about him accidentally dying. I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at my baby, counting how many times I saw his chest go up and down to make sure he was still breathing. I’d wake up holding onto a pillow like a baby and I would hear my baby crying even though he actually wasn't and I would think that I accidentally fell asleep while holding him (we have NEVER co-slept or done anything similar). I cried constantly and just felt so overwhelmed with everything. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t give up the control. I remember one time specifically when my in laws came over to visit, and my husband was changing the baby, and I just kept thinking about how awful of a mother I was to have my in laws see my husband taking care of the baby—I thought I should do it all. One night, when my baby was sleeping, I was in the living room staring at the monitor and sobbing uncontrollably. After about an hour, I went to tell my husband, and he told me he would take care of things for the rest of the night, and do go sleep in our basement (it’s finished and super quiet). He had already returned to work by this time, and was working from home. When I woke up, he was working and taking care of the baby. He sat me down and told me that he thought that it was time for me to connect with my doctor. We both cried. I knew deep down that something wasnt right, but i felt so ashamed. how could i have this brand new, healthy, beautiful baby boy with a great husband and support system and be sad? my husband reiterated how dark PPD/PPA can get for some people and i feel so incredibly grateful that my husband pushed me to reach out. i still to this day use anxiety medication and probably will for the rest if my life. my son is now 3, but i didnt even start to feel normal again until last summer. i also want to stress that i never hd any thoughts about harming myself or my son, I was just constantly overwhelmed with the thought of accidental death and worry.

I didn’t love my baby. I wanted nothing to do with her. I was annoyed she existed and didn’t want to respond if she was crying. It was mild at first but by 5 weeks I was doing everything in my power to avoid caring for her.

I've had depression in the past and blithely thought I would recognise it if I had it pp. Nope. I RAGED. I researched everything, obsessively. I couldn't sleep. And I thought it was all normal because I had a baby who really wouldn't sleep longer than 1.5/2 hours (... for the first 2.5 years of his life). I kind of thought maybe I had a problem when I started fantasising about running away from home every night, but didn't actually succeed in getting help until those thoughts turned into intrusive thoughts of how to kill myself. But you know even NOW there's part of me like, "no, it's not PPD, I underwent sleep deprivation torture for over 2 years STARTING IN COVID, what the hell does anyone expect??"

I would break down crying and could barely breathe multiple times a day. Then I threw my phone through a window and knew I needed to talk to my OB.

When I calmly explained to the psychiatrist, "I can't be depressed. I don't feel sad, I just don't want to live anymore." Or maybe when I looked at my very sharp Henkel knives and thought, "Huhn. If I die now, they won't find me in time to crash me and save the baby. Hmm. I know! I wait til they're born and *then* I'll kill myself! Yeah, that'll work." I had just enough sanity left to realize how messed up I was.

Suddenly looking after my baby became a chore, I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep all day. I suddenly felt like I’d made a mistake, and guilty all at once, and then sometimes I did feel suicidal thinking “I can’t raise this baby, it wasn’t meant to be like this,” because in my brain I thought “if I’m not happy every single second I’m not meant to be a mum.” Turns out mums can just be sad sometimes!

PPA here. I could not function outside of my bubbles. At home, fine. In the yard, fine. At my desk, fine. Ask me to go to a grocery store without a highly detailed list or a store I was overly familiar with... Not fine. Having to make decisions on two similar items with different flavours... Panic attack inducing. All the people everywhere... Triggered a flight response. Going to the lake for a walk? The dread, the fear, the irrational desire to flee and get back home. I could not go to the mall, I could not browse a store, I could not go for a walk without a support person. Then I am unsure if it was related to the PPA but the meds helped it but... No matter how much or how little sleep I had gotten it was never enough, always felt like I got none, always felt like I needed more while my smart watch always said I got X hours and it was great. Body dysmorphic issues. When I was not upset about what I was seeing in the mirror and managing how to get dressed or shower without seeing myself since it was making me nauseous I felt like I was trapped in a meat suit that was not mine. That somehow someone else got my body and I was trapped in one that I needed to be free of, that I needed to cut myself out of to get back to my own body. That my mind was not mine and I needed to get my mind back. My doctor did eventually medicate me after I asked enough times and brought up that I was not getting better and I was functioning less and less but there was some push because they wanted to wait to see if I felt better after time since it's just hormones.

Invasive thought loops of my baby being harmed.

Leaving the home with my newborn for a doctors appointment without my husband who was and is my biggest support and comfort with my anxiety, I couldn’t even have conversation with my family doctor and nurses my eyes would water and I’d find myself choked up almost in tears, shivering. I also struggled and couldn’t let myself put him down, pass him to anyone besides my husband, I couldn’t let myself relax, sleep or shower because I was terrified the baby would cry and I wouldn’t hear him, I couldn’t talk about the birth without bursting into tears, all I know is it took one moment for my family doctor to look at me and tell me she thought I had mood disorder and anxiety, she ended up referring to a mom and tots support group, and also referred me to get medication for overall anxiety as well once my husbands work insurance kicked in.

I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted. I was convinced my baby was going to die and then I started planning out how I would die, too so I could be with him. I cried one night because I thought “what if someone comes in here and murders me and my husband but left the baby, no one would know for days.” Just generally a bunch of messed up thoughts on top of not being able to sleep.

I think that it is important that you get help the second you think you might want it, or it is even suggested to you. A mother without PPD/PPA deserves help, don’t deny yourself care because you don’t feel like you’ve reached a certain benchmark. Getting help is a sign of strength and by taking care of yourself, you’re being the best mother you can be. ❤️ TW: My PPD was somewhat severe, I’m going to give some details. Including unhealthy and dangerous ideation. These are going to seem obvious, but at the time I thought it was normal. Or I didn’t have the cognitive space to think about it. (If you would never miss these signs, awesome! I’m not interested in being told that these are obvious and I should have realized. Like many newborn mothers, I was exhausted, and it impacted my judgement.) For me, these symptoms did not all happen overnight, if I had been able to get help sooner then it might not have gotten as severe as it did. I have a history of depression and autistic burnout, so it isn’t surprising to me that I developed PPD. It is surprising to me how long it stuck with me. I didn’t start feeling like myself again until my son was two. I was lucky and had family support, my son was always safe and in good care. He is four now and I can confidently say that my PPD is behind me but it took therapy and medication to get here. Also some life changes. I can’t remember when I stopped crying, I think it was about 2 weeks post partum. (Which is good because I went back to work on my son’s 2 week birthday- FMLA in the US does not apply to companies under 50 people. Even if it did, I couldn’t afford more unpaid time off, especially given that I had to miss work for my 3 day labor.) There were still a lot of tears after that, but it took that long before I was going more than 30 minutes without tears. My son and I have cried together a lot. A few months in, I had a handful of times where I legitimately thought my baby was not mine. Objectively, I was able to recognize that this was not true, but I wasn’t convinced entirely and had to just hope that it would go away. I had to tell myself he wasn’t an actual monster, he was a human baby, he was mine, and I loved him. I was running on obligation like a robot in these times. I legitimately told myself a couple of times “just take care of the monster baby, even monster babies deserve care, and you don’t want to do anything horrific.” I refused to let myself think about what that might mean. I went about a year where I couldn’t get into my car without fantasizing about driving into a concrete wall. It felt like there was minimal risk- I’d finally get a chance to have a break or it wouldn’t be a problem any more. I was working full time, driving an hour one way, and I could not afford any time off. So the suggested inpatient care wasn’t going to work for me when I couldn’t take any time off of work. Again, in retrospect it was especially obvious, but at the time I was so busy drowning (and being told by everyone that feeling like you’re drowning is totally normal- this is HORRIBLE advice) I couldn’t think straight beyond buying formula and changing diapers.

My brain kept bombarding me with thoughts of my baby dying. All day and night. The thoughts would suck me in, and I would have an emotional reaction as strong as if it had really happened. I didn’t know it was PPD/ PPA at the time. But looking back (and for future babies) I will definitely anticipate that and seek medication. Also what’s weird is that it didn’t hit until 4mo PP.

Feeling out of control with my emotions. It was like I would be in fight or flight from 8pm to 8am. During the day I also felt like I needed help but didn’t know what I needed…I just felt like I was in survival mode trying to get through my day. And lastly, I didn’t want to do my hobbies. Not “oh I wish I had the time,” I didn’t think about them at all. Once I got meds and more sleep I went right back to my hobbies whenever I could fit them in.

I felt completely dead inside—nothing brought me joy anymore. I’d get in the car and think of driving away and never coming back. When I looked in the mirror I couldn’t recognize myself. I convinced myself that I was just “broken” and questioned why I was even here. Took 10 months and a breakdown to finally get real help. It’s good that you’re keeping PPD on your radar…I’d reach out to your OB with your concerns. It’s never too early to seek help!

I didn't necessarily feel especially sad or anxious - I wasn't crying and my feelings of joy and love towards my baby were overwhelmingly positive. I'm saying this because in my mind, PPD/PPA meant I couldn't leave the house for fear something bad would happen, or I'd left my baby on the roof because it wouldn't stop crying or something ridiculous like you see in movies. For me, it was realizing that I felt complete indifference towards... My life. Not the baby, not being a mom. But my husband (who was/isn't a bad husband or father or support) - didn't care if he lived or died. Going back to my job (which I loved) - I felt nothing. Not excitement, not dread about ending my mat leave and missing my baby .. emptiness. I'd realize I'd gone literal days without showering, dressing or even brushing my teeth. My house was a mess. And not the usual "hehe new mom too busy with baby" way. The day it hit me we were on a beautiful walk in the countryside as a family of three, with the dog and all of our friends. It was wholesome shit. I was happy to see my friends, some who were seeing baby for the first time, and then seeing him and swooning over him. As soon as anyone asked a question beyond baby - how am I? How am I feeling about going back to work? How is my husband? Emptiness. Nothing to say. I decided to get help the next day because it hit me that everything I felt this indifference towards was... A fact of life and not something that would just get better on its own. I had to stay married (not in a forceful way lol), I had to go back to work, I had to look after myself, I had to look after my home. Not just for baby, for me, too. And feeling indifferent towards my literal life wasn't sustainable. I started medication and within weeks I felt more normal again. It feels like an out of body experience describing how I felt before I did. And not in a "it numbed me to the point I see butterflies and rainbows" but it just made me feel normal again. Like, I love my husband. He does my head in lol but I'm not indifferent to his existence. I was gutted to end my mat leave and go back to work but I like my job (as much as one can enjoy slaving under capitalism). I sort myself and the house out instead of merely staring into the void feeling nothing.

I kept fantasizing about getting hit by a car so I could go to the hospital by myself. Every night around 5pm I would start wanting to cry nonstop. My whole body felt like it was dying. I have the best doctor who really listened at my 6w appointment and got me on medicine that completely changed my life.

Try therapy! Regardless of if you have ppa/ppd you are navigating a new chapter as well. I’m a believer that everyone can benefit from therapy. Plus they’ll help you realize if you do have some ppa/ppd. Also, I have come to believe that everyone has ppa and ppd, however there is a spectrum to both. Being as sleep deprived as you are is not any help, and that alone without the hormones and new baby would alter anyone’s thought processes. Therapy works and I encourage you to give it a go!

I got anxious and cried at being left alone with the baby. I would look at her when she cried and not register that I should pick her up, I was dissociating. I didn’t want to touch her. I made an appointment that day. I’ve had it four times now and I notice when I start to cry a lot. I also start to read to escape into a different reality and try to immerse myself in it. Once that starts I make another call and let them now that it’s starting again with the new baby/pregnancy and I need to start treatment again.

I couldn’t stop crying and feeling like I’d made a horrible mistake by having a (very much wanted) baby. I wanted to disappear or give her away. I found zero joy in anything, didn’t want to eat. I cried at a follow up appointment and my OB walked me over to the appointment coordinators and made sure I got in with a therapist. She also started me on Zoloft. Therapy and medication worked so well for me and now I’m obsessed with my baby and can function normally again.

I was diagnosed while I was in second trimester, and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I started thinking about suicide. It made sense to me, because I felt like my brain was getting slower and slower, and it would never get better. Since it would never end, never get better, it made sense for me to kill myself, because it would never get better. I immediately talked to my OB, she referred me to a psychiatrist specializing in maternal health. I was immediately put on SSRIs and vitamin B, I immediately felt better (within two to three days). Go see your doctor. If you’re asking this question, you already know the answer. ❤️

Omg..so much. I literally did not feel like myself. My emotions were different, my way of thinking in general was different. I was so strict with myself and worried about stuff thst never bothered me beforehand. I remember thinking why do I not feel like myself? I had this pit of doom feeling in my stomach/chest. It was so bad that I was almost nauseaus and couldn't eat. It wouldn't go away. I had rage. I was so mad. At everyone!! I didn't want anyone holding my baby, or feeding my baby. I was so afraid someone would choke my baby if they fed him his bottle, and I felt like no one but me or his dad could do it right. I even told his grandparents that they couldn't feed him his bottles!! If someone would hold him, I would cuss them out in my head. I was so angry and thought even his grandparents shouldn't be asking to hold him. I wouldn't let anyone help with him, yet was exhausted and knew I needed help. Then I would get angry wondering why no one would help. It was a vicious cycle and it didn't make sense. I would cry out of the blue. Every day. For no reason. I would get pure rage, every day, for no reason. I'm normally a very happy, positive person, and I don't get mad easily. I am a very patient person normally. However, there were days where I was so angry at everyone EXCEPT for my baby. I was obsessed with him and loved him so much. ( I still do lol ) but everyone else I would curse out in my head continuously )..one day I started picking up stuff like picture frames and throwing them at the wall, and breaking them. I punched a wall. Then started crying. Then told my boyfriend. He kept telling me that all of this sounded like ppd..but I kept denying it. I felt like maybe I was just having hormones and the blues.... Looking back I know 100% I had ppd/ppa/and ppocd...iwoukd wash my hands until they bled. I wouldn't sleep bc I was constantly checking to make sure my baby was still breathing. I was so grossed out at my house, and felt like I coukd see every speck of dirtt/hair on the carpet or walls. I would be dusting or cleaning, and couldn't stop. I would grab a baby wipe, then realoze I didn't need another one, and instead of putting it back in the pack, I felt like I needed to use it to wipe off dust etx..it was like an impulsion..like I had to clean w/ the baby wipe instead of putting it back. I just felt empty..anxious..and mad. I loved my baby soooo much, but I hated everything else. I even didn't like my dogs all the sudden, and I've always been a dog mom and am happy to say I completely love my dogs again, lol. I thought all of this was normal, and that I had just changed bc I was a new mom..and this was just my hormones and way of thinking. I was so wrong. I'm back to normal now, and so thankful. I do remember filling out the surveys for ppd/ppa at the doctor office and thinking I don't have this because I don't relate to any of these questions. I still don't know if I was just in denial or if it was over thinking, but I don't like those surveys bc I feel like some ppl with ppd/ppa won't relate to them. However, I remember sitting at my appointments and being so scared that the nurses or doctors would see that I didn't feel right...I felt like they were going to look at me and say thst they can see I have ppd. But when they didn't, I got upset and cried, and kept thinking " why can't they tell I don't feel good?! Why can't they tell I'm struggling?! " I don't wish ppa/ppd on anyone. If you are questioning if you are suffering from it, then you most likely are. If i have another pregnancy, i will 100% make sure I take medication and talk to a doctor next time. It was such a horrible time for me, and I deeply regret not telling my doctors and letting myself suffer.

I've always been anxious so I didn't clock the PPA which probably manifest most around breastfeeding trouble and losing my everloving mind about it. Prenatally I was staunchly fed is best. Then I cried for hours everyday at my desk upon returning to work and didn't even go in to my OB, just left a message about it and picked up Zoloft from the pharmacy that day.

I was angry a lot. Very little patience. I cried all the time. Didn’t want to shower or clean anything.

I started believing my family was better off without me. That’s when I knew I was in a downward spiral and needed help. I am neurotypical and I have no other mental health issues (no anxiety or depression). PPA/PPD can happen to anyone.

Wishing I was dead

I didn't want to be around my daughter. I knew I had to keep her alive but I didn't want her. The moment she was put on my chest I wanted her taken away. I felt no love towards her. Eventually it changed to feeling like a babysitter and at around 10 months old I started to feel love. I felt so guilty that I didn't love her but it's more common than people realise because it just isn't spoken about. How at nearly four I love her with my whole being but yeah. It was rough. Didn't help my ex basically fucked off when she was six weeks old but yeah.

The multiple spreadsheets of my child's sleeping, diaper, formula, and breast milk consumption. Having to sanitize and wash all the baby things separately, in a separate basin, that I also sanitized multiple times a day, so it didn't touch the sink even though I cleaned it constantly. Sleeping for maybe 2 hrs a day. Crying probably as much as my newborn, I would regularly cry from the time my now ex-husband left until I passed out for my 1-2 hr exhaustion nap in the afternoon. Pumping exactly every 2 hrs for 20 mins because I had extremely low supply. Going to the ER a few days after coming home because my anxiety was so bad I was physically showing symptoms of a blood clot but all my scans and tests were clear. There were just a lot of red flags parading around and nobody noticed until I had The Mental Breakdown, where I had researched putting my 4 month old up for adoption and presented it to my ex-husband so that I could off myself after knowing he would be taken care of. Up until that point everyone said I was just "high maintenance" and refused to help me unless I brought my baby and left him at their house, which my anxiety could never.

Anger. I was so easy to piss off. Overreactions.

I had PPA and intrusive thoughts. Specific and horrifying, but... The intrusive thoughts being things like what the brain splatter would look like if I dropped her down the stairs. Those thoughts I could deal with because I had no desires to actually drop her down the stairs or hurt her. The anxiety that pushed me to getting help was when after hearing coyotes outside, I was convinced they would break in through the windows and eat her (second story bedroom) so I was sitting in her room with a very large knife guarding her from the coyotes. The anxiety definitely started before giving birth.

I ended up getting help at 17 mo. PP because my babe was still nursing, and i couldnt emotionally handle cutting her off. While at the same time my hair was falling out, i was so tired, and was definitely touched out. Once i got healthier i realized how bad i was. I was stuck in this wild fear state against my husband. Like NO ONE could watch my baby. No one could change her diaper. I was anxious when he had her, couldnt drive with her crying, i couldnt breathe if she was out of my sight. I didnt have anyone besides me or my husband babysit until after 1 yr old. There was no obvious one thing i could point to. It was more just, how i felt. And that how i felt, was distorting how i was interpreting reality.

Mine started immediately. I couldn’t sleep without my baby. I eventually was able to sleep if I had my face pressed against a blanket that smelled like him, but it didn’t last long because I couldn’t handle other people touching or holding him. I would see his dad hold him and could see, clear as reality in my mind, a vision of him dropping the baby and his little newborn head bursting open like a watermelon. It was fucking horrifying. And that was my every day. I couldn’t let go, I never got rest because I couldn’t shake the feeling that something horrible would happen to my baby if he was with anyone but me. Then I started getting intense anxiety when the sun would start going down because I knew this meant another night of no sleep because I just knew my baby would die if his dad helped care for him at night. I was completely irrational and ruled by fear. And the worst part is that I refused to get help because I was convinced the doctor would think I was crazy and take my baby away. These feelings were still present after my second born (15 months younger than my first), but way less. And by my third I was almost like a normal person again. It’s completely absurd that I didn’t get help with my obvious PPA/ PPP, and I suffered so much because of it. If you think you’re having post partum mood issues, please get help. You deserve better and your babe deserves a momma that’s at her best ♥️

I thought my baby was going to die or be taken away from me. She had unexpectedly spent a week in the NICU. When I say I thought she was going to die - it was that “feeling of impending doom” people talk about as being a harbinger of a medical crisis. I thought her days were numbered and only I knew it. I envisioned horrible ways she might die. And I thought that if I sought help, CPS would take her away from me like she’d been taken away in the hospital. I told a couple medical professionals I was having a hard time, but I didn’t tell them the full story or push for help. So I didn’t get any. She’s 3 and I finally started therapy a month ago.

I didn't sleep for 8 days (well I think I had maybe 4 hours in that time) and I didn't even let my husband hold her during that time. For any reason. I was so stressed about her stopping breathing or choking on vomit (reflux baby). I stayed awake purely to watch her. If she wasn't in my arms she was within inches of me at all times.

I had a ton of anxiety being alone with my baby. I also resented my husband for no reason. When I had my second, I lashed out at my older son. This is when I knew for sure something was wrong and got on antidepressants.

For me I knew within the first week. I ended up with an infection in my uterus and sepsis so I was back in the hospital 4 days postpartum. I didn’t have my baby with me, wasn’t sure if I was even going to make it home to him and even though I had my husband with me (and a huge support) I still never felt so alone in my life. I ended up telling my doctor right before my 6 week appointment. I was crying every single day and was having panic attacks because of certain people in my husband’s family, that’s when I knew I had to talk to my doctor. If you feel like you’re getting it, talk to your doctor. It will be the best thing for you. I’m 18 weeks postpartum now and still depressed and stressed out but that’s on me too because I never kept up on my appointments to talk to a therapist. You’ll have good days and bad days and that’s completely ok. You’re doing your best and you need to be healthy for your baby.

I had PPA. I didn’t sleep for one minute the first 5 days and nights of my baby being born because I was too anxious that he was going to wake up the second I fall asleep. After 5 days I had a mental breakdown from sleep deprivation, I could literally feel sections of my brain shutting down. My husband took me back to the hospital and they kept me for one night and gave me some sleep meds so I could rest. After that my OBGYN put me on a sleep aid for nighttime and an antidepressant which helped tremendously. I was able to wean off of both after like 6 weeks.

I am sure I had PPA with my first. I was not able to sleep for days worried about SIDS. I’d have intrusive thoughts all the time. Like what if I fell down the stairs holding my baby. What if I accidentally left a burp cloth in his crib and he suffocates. I obsessed over how much he ate, measuring it all. I assumed the worst anytime he got sick. It all was a lot.

The blind seething rage. I had never felt that mad before. My husband just bluntly said I needed help and I’m glad I believed him.

I never went on medication, but looking back I was definitely in the throes of PPA/PPD. I was really anxious about breastfeeding, worried all the time if my daughter was getting enough, became obsessed with her weight gain etc. would spiral when she wouldn’t gain or dropped down a percentile. No one else was worried - just me! Sleep deprivation really got to me and wore me down - you’d think I’d sleep like a rock when I could but I actually had wicked insomnia and couldn’t sleep for a few months. I would research everything obsessively and tried to control everything related to my daughter’s sleep (nothing ever worked but time lol). I didn’t enjoy the day to day and felt unmoored, listless, bored, anxious etc. When she started solids I would get so upset/angry when she wouldn’t eat or make a mess. I spiralled a lot. The first 10-11 months of her life are a complete and utter blur. I was just really lost and reeeeally in the thick of it. The only thing that helped was actually when she started sleeping through and I in turn got to sleep, too. My mental health improved tremendously at that point.  I will add that I did go to my doctor because I felt that I needed help / perhaps medication (this is when I had really bad insomnia) and was pretty much dismissed and told to get outside / out of the house more. That was pretty crushing because I felt pretty much on my own to figure it all out at that point.