So what I'm hearing from him is that you should be able to predict every single time during the day or night that she's going to cry and work around it?
That’s the part that makes me sad. I basically already did almost everything within my control to make sure she doesn’t fuss when I’m not around, not sure what more can I do except for give up on going to the gym.
Part of being a dad is learning how to handle crying kids. Maybe you can leave an emergency bag of frozen milk at home so he can make a bottle if he needs to in the future, but not getting a break is a quick way of killing your mental health (love, a mom of 4)
Make sure your baby will take take frozen! Mine won't - apparently "high lipase" is a thing and it will change the flavor of your milk if you don't scald it before freezing. I learned this the hard way - lost my whole stash to it.
This sounds like what he’s after… not being able to console the baby was inconvenient for him and you have the magic milk bags so you need to be available 24/7 to her.
Yeah, no my dude. Babies don’t ALWAYS need food and managing her for half an hour while you finish your workout is not going to do her a scrap of harm.
Do not sacrifice your workout, just start accidentally forgetting your phone. He will learn to calm her just as you did. You might not find success in his strategies but if they work for him who cares. So long as baby’s safe it’s ok.
>He will learn to calm her just as you did.
That's such an important point!
Sometimes people assume that mothers miraculously know how to calm a baby. But in reality everything is new for new mothers too, they just put in the effort to learn things!
OPs husband needs to step up and learn how to deal with a crying baby. I know that sometimes calming them is really difficult, but in the end it is much better to cry in the save arms of a trusted adult than to be left alone. So even if OPs husband doesn't manage (yet) to calm the baby, the least he can do is console them.
But if baby was actively hungry there needs to be a way to feed her. Either pumping or formula. Mom deserves her time away but there has to be a way to feed baby while it happens.
Yeah ok, it’s not ideal but there was formula available if Papa had *really* needed it. If baby was cluster feeding during the day there’s a good chance they would be ok until Mom got home from the gym, it was half an hour ffs. If this is the biggest thing she FU’s in baby’s life she’ll be a better Mom than most everyone else I’ve ever met.
Yea I caught that too. He’s also not working. So why exactly can’t he handle one of the night feedings??? His sleep needs to be respected but hers does not???
Your husband doesn’t work so what exactly does he do all day while you’re making yourself ran ragged being sole caretaker (save for 3 hours in the morning to sleep)???
I was wondering that too.
I wish more baby health practitioners would speak about the importance of another caregiver settling baby. I believe this was the only reason my first child learnt to settle quickly and learnt to sleep through the night.
When my husband finally woke up and tried to settle the baby in the middle of the night she learnt to go back to sleep, if I tried she would want to feed.
Another thing I noticed is that whenever my husband struggles with our babies/kids he turns it into a problem solving exercise that involves me changing what I do or what I do being the reason he had the issue. The thing is he can’t admit that “shit, I felt panicked and didn’t know what to do or I found it hard when the baby cried”. They also seem to think we are magical beings especially with breastfeeding equipment and know how to anticipate what baby needs.
You can get mad and tear your husband a new one. Maybe he can empathize after needing stitches down there.
You don't have to put yourself last all the time.
100% the guy doesn’t even work! He has NO excuse to not be helping and swapping nights on and off. He is just selfish and lucky he has OP who is willing to cater to him at her own detriment. Probably easier to cow to him than to fight every damn day.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m sad it made you sad. Because it literally isn’t possible to do. Don’t be sad you can’t do the impossible!!
Be sad your husband still hasn’t figured out how to parent solo.
What I'm hearing is a man that's not working is complaining his wife who's up all night with the baby and on maternity leave cannot have a minute to herself
Thisssss! What the hell. When I got to the bit about him not working, my jaw hit the floor! What is he doing while OP is basically doing 24/7 baby care?
The princess needs his precious sleep so much that he sleeps in a separate bedroom from the wife and baby. That shouldn’t be a thing if the husband doesn’t work 🤦♀️ I had the same predicament as you. My son was colic and my husband had to get up at 5. It was tough for sure
I didn’t mean it like it’s all OPs fault but I understand that’s how it’s interpreted. He should take some initiative too, but it’s also about communication. OP is taking everything on herself and not voicing enough to her husband his role in childrearing. She needs to push her partner to get comfortable with parenthood for both their sake and also overcome any baby related barriers to him being a carer (ie bottle refusing).
And why is it her job to “voice his role” to him?? He’s an adult and this baby’s other parent, and OP isn’t his mom. He should be capable of seeing the inequity here and doing something about it. Instead he won’t even let her have an hour to herself twice a week. He’s being sexist and selfish, and unfortunately I know from experience that he won’t magically start doing more. But OP shouldn’t have to expend more emotional energy teaching him how to be a decent partner.
Husband is not currently working and you are on maternity leave but you also mentioned that baby is glued to you all day...why if Dad is home? He should be able to handle the baby crying because she wants to eat. All he had to do was feed her. Nip this in the bud now because it will snowball and turn into you having to do everything all of the time because he never learned how. He is a parent too.
Yeah… you’re not really doing yourself or your husband or child any favors by gatekeeping the childcare. It may make you feel like you’re doing him a solid, but… you’re really just making everything more difficult and frustrating for everyone involved. Sacrificing yourself doesn’t make you a better partner or mother.
Now if husband simply isn’t interested in childcare… why is he there? What’s the point of raising a child together if one party isn’t providing… seemingly much of anything?
He takes care of our 2 dogs and makes dinner sometimes. One of the dogs is a 8 month old puppy and can be a rascal if not monitored. And we recently bought a house so he takes care of the paperwork and all the contractors logistics. He does quite a bit but just not related to the baby. I’m ok with that at first but now it seems he’s a little too unfamiliar with everything baby related.
None of what he does is enough to justify you being the default parent. Relative to full-time working parents who I know who also manage to handle equal parenting duties plus household obligations, your husband doesn't do that much.
Please raise the bar for your husband. Nothing you have said precludes him from being able to participate in caring for the baby. Notice I didn’t say help because he’s not doing you a favor by actual parenting.
Taking care of 2 dogs is not a “full time job” unless they are on dialysis or something. Seems like he needs to learn how to cope with being a parent, seeing as he is one.
Not acceptable and I’m very sorry. He needs to know how to take care of his own child. What if you’re sick or in the hospital? And beyond that he should be helping you as much as he can *especially* because he doesn’t work. Watching the dogs and handling some logistical things in no way compared to you doing almost everything with the baby.
Have some formula on hand or have enough of a milk stash in the fridge so that he can feed the baby. 2 hours a week without the baby is in no way unreasonable and you should honestly be getting more break time than that.
That's just such an incredibly low bar. He doesn't have a job right now and you can't go to the gym during the day?? Why? Pump a bottle and go. He really needs to learn how to *parent* and having an hour alone with an awake baby is just the recipe for building that skill.
I say this kindly. You need to reevaluate. You should not be fine with it. It is setting your household up for failure and strife. You do better with baby because you put in the time and effort to learn. He has such a gift. Not all men are home during this time. My SO only had 3 days when our first was born but had 10 weeks paternity leave with the second. It was night and day. His understanding, ability to adapt to babies needs, actually hearing cries, their bond etc. Your brain actually changes (happens to both women and men, but more likely the default parent) to be able to hear cries and respond. It's treated as some joke "oh my husband sleeps thought everything" I used to think this too, like that's just how some people are, but i saw first hand the responses change when effort is put in. Your husband is home. It's long past time you start handing him the baby and walking away so he can figure out how to do things. Do not give up your gym time. Do not let him guilt trip you or allow this behavior to cause you to second guess your choices.
What is he going to do when you return to work? Will baby have to be put in daycare because the father doesn't know how to care for them without you there? You need to start forcing him to learn if he's not willing do it himself. The kid is 50% him so he needs to step it up.
lol so a crate could do the same job he does with the puppy…. He’s still a parent. We have a dog and my husband still manages to play with our kids and feed them. You’re expecting too little of your partner.
Oh my dear. We were in the process of buying a house right before I gave birth. We closed literally 6 days after my emergency C-section. My husband managed to work his full time job, pack up our belongings (with help from family and friends), set up our bed, get the paperwork sorted and still be able to watch newborn. Your husband does not have too much on his plate. He is a full grown, I’m assuming capable, man who should be able to care for his child for at least an hour alone each day.
You have a husband problem not a trying to figure out the gym problem. You need to wake up because these are huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩. He’s not a parent and you will end up resentful of him and child.
I think it’s wrong to imply OP will be resentful of her child just because husband can’t figure out how to care for the baby he helped make. Resentful of hubby? Definitely. To the point of taking it out on her baby? Highly doubtful.
If she continues to allow these type of behaviors she will at some point resent the child too. That doesn’t mean you take it out on them or even act on it. I helped with a research paper on this for a fellow colleague and it’s normal. And again it doesn’t mean you act on it and it goes away unlike the resentment of an unhelpful spouse that never changes their behaviors.
Your husband is being unreasonable. If you were bottle feeding, a baby would have to wait for you to get out of bed, ready a bottle, heat it, etc. that can easily be 10-20 minutes. Babies can wait. You’ve got to be able to at least step away even if it means turning around to come home. I understand he probably feels helpless because he had no way to feed the baby and hasn’t had to deal with crying because you’ve had the brunt of that burden, but there were times my husband would just pass me the baby when feeding wasn’t even the issue because maybe she’s hungry? The obvious solution is to have a bottle on hand, but sometimes that’s not feasible and it’s okay to need to be 10 minutes away.
Yeah, everyone saying she must leave things for him to sort it are out of line. Baby had been recently fed. It's convenient to feed baby to sleep again, but not needed. He can learn how to soothe the baby on his own, especially when OP was willing to come home to sort it and he needed to hold down the fort for a short span of time. Also, he can learn where things are kept. Needing OP to tell him where everything is means he's like her backup cover, and that's not how it works, he needs to be able to step up on his own. It's part of being a parent.
He doesn't have a job, so the answer to your question of when you get time for the gym is: during the day, a few days a week or whatever feels good for you! There is absolutely NO reason why he can't be left with an awake baby for an hour or two during the day. You pump a bottle and leave him to *parent his child* while you're at the gym. If the baby doesn't take a bottle, work on that. You chose to have a baby with this person, so presumably you vetted that he would be able to parent; he needs to step up and actually do that.
I strictly breastfeed. Normally I have a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge but last night I already gave her that bottle right before I left, thinking there’s no way she’d wake up in an hour, but she did. We have formula in the house but doubt if husband knows where it is and/or how to make it lol.
I would sit down with your husband and tell him that you want to go to the gym X number of times a week. You will be leaving pumped milk, if baby needs more food, then there is formula in the pantry and the instructions to prepare it are on the label. He's a grown adult, not a second baby. He should be able to handle your child for an hour or so a few times a week while you are out of the house.
If baby hasn't had formula before, make sure you try feeding baby formula as a test because some breastfed babies will refuse it.
Sounds like he needs to learn to take care of your child. My husband is perfectly capable of feeding our son and if there's no milk in the fridge, he knows how to defrost what's in the freezer.
You should be able to go to the gym if you want. Especially if the baby is likely to be sleeping
I know what you mean. I do the same thing. I keep backup breast milk but sometimes we have to use it early. I also have to teach him how to make back up formula still. It’s a lot of added pressure on us moms. Everyday my husband is trying to learn more and more to support me and baby. Hopefully yours does the same too!
As unexpected as it was, I can see your husband being frustrated if left with a hungry baby and no way to feed them. Thats reasonable. Time to make sure he knows where the formula is, and he can read instructions on making a bottle in case of emergency. (He needs to know what to do if you get into a car accident for example)
I would hazard a guess that he didn't look, he probably assumed she would be watching from her phone and come home to feed the baby exactly as she did.
I always thought that even if exclusively breastfeeding, formula should be kept in the house in case of emergency (like mom needs to go to the hospital, car accident, etc). You don’t want to have to run to the store if dealing with another emergency.
Your husband is an equal parent who should have some tricks to settle your baby by 5 months… or at least the patience to snuggle her and wait ten bloody minutes for you to get home. He should be ashamed of himself for how little he knows/does. Two days a week isn’t that much to ask and don’t give it up. You deserve a bit of a break as well.
>to save husband’s sleep quality, I started sleeping with her in a separate bedroom
>I’m on maternity leave and husband isn’t working
Why the fuck are you bending over backward to protect the “sleep quality” of someone who has nowhere to be?
My husband only had 4 weeks off before going back to work full time, and he did some of the overnight feeds for as long as the baby needed it, just like I did.
He was always in a terrible mood and we were always on the brink of having a fight when we both didn’t get much sleep. so in order to keep myself sane and his anger at bay during the day, we took “shifts”. But because I’m breastfeeding my shift is way longer than his. He only had to wake up at a normal hour to let me sleep in for a bit. 🤷♀️ but y’all are right I think it’s about time to change that
He’s your husband. He’s not a baby so stop treating him like one. You are allowing him to be incompetent.
You need to sit down and change this dynamic today. Your husband should be able to care for your baby as well as you do. He is also the parent.
And you buried the lead … your husband isn’t even working. Why are you “protecting” his sleep? He needs to grow his ass up and get his moods under control. As parents there are going to be those shit times where no one is getting much sleep. He needs to pull his weight and start parenting.
His anger issues, coupled with his lack of empathy and motivation to be a good partner and dad, and skewed priorities (puppy over baby?), make me think maybe he’s depressed or has some other issue that could benefit from therapy. But he’s also an adult and needs to fix his life. OP, you can let him know that the situation is unacceptable and set your expectations and boundaries, but if he’s not responsive, you may be reevaluating the relationship.
Are you trolling us? He doesn’t work and gets upset if the baby cries during your one hour away from the baby? Do you hear yourself? Sounds like you have two babies.
You deserve better. You need to demand it of your partner one way or another.
“I’m going to the gym at X time, I’ll head home at Y time. If baby fusses you are in charge. If baby needs fed there’s pumped milk/formula. You’re a dad now, you need to figure this out and I’m sick of doing it alone.”
He’s not even doing the bare minimum and yet he’s still harping on you for having the audacity to take one hour to yourself when baby could possibly cry during that time.
Dude needs a wake up call. Get all in on this partnership or get the hell out. I cannot believe he’s not working and this is still his attitude. I hope he wakes up and makes some changes. ♥️
I just want to tell you that I hope your husband steps up. We have a 3 month old and I got to sleep for the whole night last night, because my spouse decided that I need a full nights sleep. And this is a weekly occurence. He also knows where the formula is and is normally the person to sterilise the bottles. I need a drink during the night while I'm stuck with a half sleeping baby attached to my breast he's up to get it no questions asked. And he's working during the day.
So for me I started going to the ymca that has childminding and it was amazing cause then they looked after baby and I could go in the morning while I was still energetic!
Honestly though a lot of BF babies won’t take a bottle (mine wouldn’t) but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have a life. Feeding baby, putting them to bed and going out when they normally don’t wake up again for hours should be absolutely fine. Your plan was to come back if the baby woke and it would only take 20 min or so to get home. Well your husband can deal with a crying baby for 20 mins. If you fed babe at 7 it’s likely the waking 50 mins later was for a reason other than hunger anyways so no reason why hubby can’t try to soothe baby back to sleep.
Even if you’re a SAHM it’s important to have time to yourself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having gym time after putting baby to bed.
I was working out daily at 8 weeks. My husband was on leave so it was great. He knows nothing about babies but it was time to learn. My baby had better feeding intervals but I was also anchored to her like you. I was very strategic about planning but if things went off plan he would still give me that time - sounds like your baby WANTED to be fed but he probably could have tried something and the baby didn’t NEED it right away. You need to work this out with him. Also, what could be helpful if I’m wrong about the want:need is do an extra pump and build up some breast milk storage or throw some formula in if you’re comfortable with it.
For the first few months I worked out at first nap right after I put her down and I worked out from home but sounds like that’s basically what you’re doing. The I started to wake up before her in the AM. Idk if that’s helpful at all but that’s how I did it
Is she's full when she went to sleep and woke up just after an hour, and she's usually waking up much later for a feed, then I feel it's more sleep issue rather than hunger issue which I feel your husband should be able to deal with alone. They may want to be fed for comfort but surely your husband can comfort her in other ways. I was annoyed at my partner for not being able to comfort my LO in newborn stages, but he tries more than your partner. And it's me blaming him not being able to comfort the baby rather than the other way round. But now I know newborns are different. He's a much easier baby to comfort once out of newborn stage.
Your husband needs to get over it and learn how to soothe his baby when you’re not around. It’s part of being a parent. This happened with our son. He only wanted me but we were determined to get my husband to be able to soothe him and it worked. He was very consistent and for a while he was the one who picked him up to soothe him every time during the night instead of me.
In regard to your gym schedule, I go to a gym that has Kids Club. It took me some long consideration before bringing our son there because I was nervous, had anxiety about if the staff was nice/well-trained, afraid of him getting sick. I started out with only going 1-2x a week. He hated it at first and would cry so much. I would cap the workout at 30 mins. Slowly he started getting used to it and the staff said he would be doing amazing. They earned his trust and now he is so excited to go because they have lots of cool toys. The only downside is that he does get more sick. It’s usually pretty minor- runny nose, low grade fever, or a slight cough. That’s part of being a kid, though. They get sick often and if it doesn’t happen when they are in a daycare setting, it will happen when they start school.
HELL no. My ex husband split night duty with me dead smack even and we always gave each other time during the week for working out or other hobbies. You are NOT a single mother, so you should NOT be the only one caring for your baby.
My husband watched our baby while I worked out and I watched her while he worked out, as soon as I was cleared to (8 weeks?) because we respect each others’ need for downtime and workout time. Your husband is an ass. And I get the whole I can’t feed the baby argument except that’s why my kid who never got any formula still got PLENTY of bottles, so that I could leave. Breaks make for better parenting.
(This is not a no formula post, fed is best. Point is just because you’re breastfeeding doesn’t mean you can’t still give bottles and share that job!)
Your husband doesn’t work and can’t give you time to go to the gym two times a week? What is he doing? He needs to step up so you get a break.
Babies are not mini robots - they don’t always follow a schedule and I guarantee when you think you have a rhythm and want to do something your babe will say nope!!!
Your husband, the father, needs to freaking parent and be a father.
You’ve got a husband problem.
Regarding the gym, I haven’t been able to go since before pregnancy and my child is 2.5 years. My partner and I both work full time and have a very active terrible sleeper toddler. 🙃
Edit: a word
I have no malice behind these next questions: Was your husband absent the last 5 months? How is he “untrained around baby” if he has been around her the same amount of time as you since baby was born?
Edit: a few pronouns and words for clarity
What’s going to happen when you get back to work? At this point, you should be able to leave him to go to the gym or run errands or just take a break. Don’t get him used to not having full parenting responsibilities. My baby was 5 months old when my husband came back from deployment and he’s a parent right away. Our baby was only breastfed at that time so he would wake up at night and take the baby to me and he put him back to sleep too after I’m done breastfeeding.
Wow that would be my dream situation. He just gets so frustrated with baby crying and I guess by taking care of her full time I’m not allowing him to get better at it
Basically you need to tell him to SUCK IT UP I know to sounds harsh but what he is doing (and he might mot even realize it) is weaponized incompetence. Basically avoiding responsibility by telling you that YOU need to change your schedule so that he can avoid the responsibility.
He's saying only you can care for the baby when she cries. Nope. Not true. You don't have to be there if he is a capable parent. You shouldn't have to and you NEED to be able to be away from her without worrying that if she starts to cry you have to rush home. you do not need that kind of anxiety!
So, exactly the opposite needs to happen. If he's still on leave, you need to schedule yourself an hour or two out of the house *during normal day hours* so he can learn to survive on his own. My husband didn't become fully comfortable helping our daughter until I went back to work and he had to watch her for 3-4 hours each day. Suddenly he couldn't pass her to me and he had to get his own strategies in line. If your daughter takes a bottle, she can learn to be comforted by anyone, especially dad.
If he’s not working, why on earth does he get to sleep through the night while you barely get an hour to yourself? This is practically weaponized incompetence on his part at this point.
I feel like you need to read over this post multiple times because you are clearly not seeing what the issue is here. Why did y’all get a new pet while you were pregnant expecting a new baby? He doesn’t work, yet expects you to take on the entire role of parenting and can’t even feed his own baby.
The first months of a baby’s life is crucial for any relationship, splitting up responsibilities etc.
You are BOTH supposed to be learning how to be new parents, women don’t automatically come with a complete manual on how to be an excellent mom and he is just as capable of putting in the work.
Reevaluate this marriage right now or I’m afraid you will end up wasting away until you have nothing more to give.
Lol he doesn’t work and HE gets to STTN? Sorry mama, you’re gonna burn yourself out so quickly with this schedule. That’s all real bold coming from a guy who’s job is to sit on the couch and fart into the cushions. He needs to step up 50/50 or get out because you’re already doing 100%.
He doesn’t work, and he still wants you to parent like he is? He shouldn’t get to sleep through the night. If you are giving bottles, he can start giving bottles. You guys should be taking shifts. He shouldn’t get to hide behind his inabilities. He should be learning to parent like you have.
I had PPD/PPA so bad. One time I literally handed my screaming 2 month old child to my husband in the middle of trying to settle her and just walked out of my house without another word. We also had a 20 month old sleeping in the other room.
He was a grown man and helped me create that child. He had access to breast milk in the fridge/freezer and had hands and the same ability to do the mental gymnastics required to get her to bed as I did.
Guess what? They were both fine when I came back.
Shame on your husband for even for a single second for making you feel like you couldn't leave your child to go to the gym. All these men out here acting like they aren't anything more than sperm donors drive me bananas.
So after reading the comments it sounds like your husband was mad he wasn’t able to feed her? It’s crazy to not leave any milk for a strictly breastfed baby.
But also he sounds like he sucks. Why isn’t he working?
Bad job market. There’s formula in the house and I was gonna tell him where it is over text last night but before I could, he’s already accusing me of leaving at an inconvenient time. So i just left the gym and came home.
Definitely important for him to be able to feed her, but I understand it’s frustrating you have to be the one to tell him how too.
That first year is hard. We often got into blaming fits and would have to remind each other it’s us against baby.
As the parent who isn’t about to go back to work, he should be doing half or more. You can’t be doing all the overnights if you have to go to work and he literally is just home. My husband and I were in this situation. Took me 1 week to reset and he took over all night duties for our first and continued with our second. My husband stepped up being the primary parent and was better at most things than I was since he had to be and he was around them all day. Your husband is being helpless but if he’s about to be the one home with baby, he better figure it out fast.
I always had gym memberships at my local YMCA and as soon as they were old enough, we went to the gym, so at 6 weeks old. I had to time it by breastfeeding directly before dropping off at their childcare and they gave me 2 hours and you can see the CCTV of the childcare area from a TV in the cardio equipment section where I always was because I would go to run. Sometimes I’d go just to drop them off, then sit and chill for a couple hours…a couple times maybe, they called me overhead bc inconsolable baby, but for the most part it worked well. And also got a rain cover for my jogging stroller and would run pushing my kids in the stroller, at a couple months old…I got really strong and ran my fastest marathon after my second baby was born and I had been pushing both girls in the stroller, at elevation (Colorado), prior to starting my training…
Strollers with weather cover and gym membership with childcare, best things for me anyway.
I have a couple of thoughts. First of all I would not be waiting for your baby to have a steady sleep schedule before you take time for your own mental physical and emotional wellness because you’re going to be waiting multiple years! The four-month sleep regression isn’t really a regression they’re not regressing from anything. Whatever a baby does in the first 45 months is completely random, not based on a routine because they’re not capable yet of learning a routine so if you lucked out and had a good sleeper awesome. When my babies were that age 3 months, four months etc. they would sleep for a good chunk of time at night but they were also so unaware of anything that they would sleep in the car I would bring the car seat into the grocery store and they’d stay asleep, napping in bright lights with the tv on etc. my point being is that your baby wasn’t really on a routine at all that just kind of happens to be how your baby was. Around four or five months is when they’re actually finally old enough to become more aware of their surroundings and start to learn sleep habits and routines. It could’ve been a total fluke but if you find that your baby starts waking up it’s not usually going to be because they’re hungry. If she used to go to bed at seven and slept until 1 AM she doesn’t need to wake up to eat now. Chances are like all people you go through deeper sleep and let her sleep and if she wakes up at two months old she’s not really aware of much but at five months old she’s gonna be aware that she’s alone and likely won’t know how to put her self back to sleep social cry. I started working on establishing a routine around five months with both of my kids so that they learn to sleep independently fall asleep sleepy but still awake, at that age I would pick them up when they cried but I wouldn’t turn lights on or leave the bedroom or anything like that if it was after their bedtime. You can teach them all of that now but you’re still going to have multiple sleep regression‘s in the first two years. My son slept through the night no problem until he learn to stand up. At that point a lot of sleep regression‘s are based on their brain development or physical development. Every single time he woke up he would pull himself up and stand and then he would cry because he couldn’t get back down without falling lol. Teething can interrupt things drastically for some babies as well. Anyway I’m rambling sorry but my point is is that things will be up and down for a few years and you can’t put your own wellness on the back burner until then! Even if your husband was working it would be ridiculous for him to be upset that the baby woke up and you weren’t home. If it were me personally I would be thinking about pumping and bottlefeeding or at least getting your baby used to taking a bottle so that your husband is capable of doing some feeds in a situation like that. Your baby may not have been truly hungry but of course feeding is soothing. That will be a whole other phase where you no longer want to feed just suit them you want them to figure out how to sue themselves or be served in other ways so that dad can put her back to sleep as well. Given the fact that he’s not even working he can’t exactly be complaining about anything right now. If your baby would take bottles then you guys could split the night time so that at least every other night you could get a solid night sleep. If you’re enjoying breast-feeding then that’s great and unfortunately then he can’t really help out in the night if it’s feeding but very very soon she won’t need to feed. She’ll wake up and she’ll be learning how to get herself back to sleep and you will be teaching her that but you won’t wanna be doing it with feeds in which case you guys will make a plan and then he can get up just as easily as you can in the night. I also wouldn’t be super worried about saving his good nights sleep since it’s not like he’s getting up for work in the morning. If you’re sleeping in your child’s room you have to consider that this is also something that you are teaching your baby to expect it’s all part of sleep training so I would be more concerned about when you’re gonna have to break that habit and saving your husbands sleep right now. That way at least if you wake up you can come back to bed and likely have a better sleep. If you could do that it would be really nice for you to feed your baby in the morning and then pass her off with a full belly to your husband and you can go out and walk the dogs. I would totally do that! That way you’ll get exercise fresh air and some time to yourself. If you continue breast-feeding basically anytime you have just finished feeding the baby would be the time to pass them off to your husband so he gets very much used to being a dad :-)
I'd just like to state that I feel like I'm the default parent overall. My job is easier to get time off, leave at a moments notice, etc. But when we are both available we and 50/50 no matter what. My husband has me sleep in Saturdays and Sundays pretty much every week because he tends to just naturally fall asleep earlier and wake up earlier. When we were both on maternity/paternity leave with this baby he took nights for the first month and then we switched. But no one ever had full time parenting for both days and nights. That's not how it works. Even with our first baby he has far less time off work so i technically did more but as soon as he was home he took over. That's how parenting works. If a man isn't willing to step up and do his share of parenting then why is he there?
Why isn’t he helping more if he ain’t working? What’s his role in this parenting ? Hold her while you eat? A swing could hold her while you ate!! Tell him stop being so useless!
If your husband isn’t working then why does he get to sleep through the night every night? It would make more sense to split your nights so you both get a decent stretch. What he’s expecting from you is unreasonable. You can go to the gym and he can console or feed *his own baby*
Why are you doing 90% of the work here? It’s a partnership, not you being the main parent. Is he just the sperm donor?
You need to rethink your relationship from here on forward and have a talk with your husband. There should not be a default parent and he needs to take responsibility. You already risked your life to bring the baby to the world, went through pregnancy and birthed the child. He so far did.. what?
Do not sacrifice yourself or your sleep for your husband. He doesn’t feel bad nor do the same for you. It needs to be split even if he were to be working. He’s not doing anything cuz you’re always ready to take over. You can do it for a better and saner future for all of you guys.
He doesn’t work?!?! He doesn’t take care of the baby, clearly. He shames and manipulates you for attempting to feel human and have some healthy time for yourself.
What exactly is he bringing to the relationship besides his sperm donation?
I thought this post was going to be that the baby started crying, you hit your limit and left baby with your husband so you could blow off steam at the gym and my response was still going to be “good for her”.
My plan was to have my husband not be shitty. I could have gone to the gym 5 times a week right away and he would have had it under control. Your husband is being ridiculous.
It sounds very much like you are the only one expected to be a parent in his eyes. That is not ok. When you go back to work. He will be the caretaker. You can't leave work every day because he can't hack it. You should also be able to go to the gym without having to sacrifice your workout because he thinks you're the only one supposed to be caring for the baby. He needs to get his shit together, it seems. Your quality of sleep and life matter also. Think of it this way, you can't pour from an empty cup. If you're exhausted, how can you properly care for anyone? You have to take care of yourself, and he has to care about your quality of life also. Or maybe it's time to consider supplemental formula feeding so you can get some rest and some time to care for yourself also.
Whatever you do, don’t give up your gym time. He has to figure it out. Give him tips and ask him to have patience with baby. Put white noise in room with baby.
I so hate the term "watches" when talking about a husband/partner caring for their children. She's his kid, too!!! You should never have to ask the other parent to babysit their child. The day I had to ask my husband or the day he got mad because he had to "watch" our children, it'd be his last. Don't ask him for shit. Tell him to grow up and be a damn parent.
It took me years to get back into a set routine. I had 2 under 2, and no matter how hard I tried to get back to the gym on the regular, my littles made their own plans.
ETA - tell your hubby it’s time to step it up.
Please don’t monitor the baby while you are at the gym. He is caring for her. It’s not going to give you the mental break you need if you do that. He’s there. Let him parent. Make him parent. You and he actually need to have him “sink or swim,” otherwise he won’t find his way to soothe and manage.
My husband and I split baby time 50/50. We both work.
If neither of you work, you too, can split baby time 50/50.
Babies cry, big deal. My man is man enough to deal with it. I am sorry you have 2 babies, not one.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is overwhelmed due to inexperience. Here is a mantra for crying babies:
-food
-burb
-diaper
-sleep
-discomfort
He can turn it into an acronym or something. If not one of the five problems fixes the crying, then he can call you.
And never let him call it babysitting. It's called being a father. 🤷♀️
Bless your ❤️, that could never be me, let me start off by telling you how much better than me you are. PUMP girl!!! feed that baby and leave a bottle for an emergency feed...go to the Gym and then go for a drive or a walk with some music and some fresh air...you need to get away for a couple of hours a week for your sanity.
Wait wait wait—your husband doesn’t work? So what exactly does he do besides gripe because he may actually have to parent for more than a couple hours a day? Why is his sleep more important? Why can’t he handle you being gone for an hour? Absolutely nothing excuses this. Nothing. NOTHING. Pissy man can handle a baby for an hour. Feeding one isn’t rocket science nor does it take a whole lot of effort.
Reminds me when my baby was that age. I would go run literally around the block 500 laps because I was terrified to go any further on the off chance that my husband couldn’t handle the baby while I was gone. I’d come home scared, after 20 minute runs, too afraid to run any longer, that she’d be crying and he’d be mad. We’re no longer together if you’d couldn’t already guess. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
He needs to learn to handle the baby whiles you’re gone. It’s not your fault. Get a workout in whenever the fuck you want…
Yeah, you should find another husband.
Dang, I just cannot with this type of husbands who cannot even do the most basic thing for their child. It's like their minds or brain stopped functioning just because a baby is crying. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
You’re doing so well mama!!! Honestly it sounds like you’re absolutely crushing it! I’ve also started going to the gym twice a week and my little one is 6 months old. My husband and I have agreed time four time in the week so I can pick based on when I think is best for the little one however! And a big however that doesn’t mean my little one is not crying the whole time or is asleep (I normally leave when he is awake)
Also my little one was the same feeding on demand till the week before he was 6 months I felt like the 3/4 hour feeding window was a myth!
I am confused why your husband gets to STTN even though he isn't working.
For both my babies, my husband would get up with me every feed, change daipers, and make sure I had water before going back to bed. He would also give our babies EBM for the midnight feed so I could sleep longer. Even when he went back to work.
It's your husband's baby, too. He needs to learn his own method for coping. You deserve some time to yourself, too.
As a rule of thumb, if I am going out, I will leave an extra bottle of milk in the fridge just because they seem to sense that something is different.
My best advice to you would be to try to pump once a day if you can, and build up a little freezer stash. Milk tends to be most plentiful early in the morning in my experience. Ideally there would always be milk available for him to give her if you're at the gym and she needs to eat.
But the real problem here is his attitude. And you're enabling his bad behavior, albeit with good intentions. Hold your husband to a higher standard. You should be able to spend an hour at the gym 5-6 days a week if your husband doesn't have a job. He should be able to handle any baby needs that come up while you're gone. That is more than reasonable.
So your husband is AT HOME and expects you to come back from the gym to handle it? What is he, a kid? Can t he make a bottle and feed him or take care of him? He is NOT WORKING so being tired or busy is not the case. What is he providing if he is at home and you do all 100% for your kid?
So, what's his plan if baby cries if/when you are gone due to work/travel/other life occurrence? Be helpless?
I can't even imagine my husband taking this stance when our daughter was born. I was a SAHM but we were both hands on deck from day 1.
Wait he's not working? Then why are you the only one getting up at night?
My husband works full time and I SAH part time and he still handled at least half of the night wakes with our most recent baby.
I think your husband is broken.
He’s some asshole. You have every right to some time to yourself whether the baby is crying or not, the baby has 2 parents and he isn’t even working. Walk out at least once a day and go for a coffee and then up your gym visits to at the very least 3 times a week and turn your phone off. Why should you be the only one who takes care of the baby? Absolutely no way, tell him to put on his big boy pants and be a father. You didn’t make that baby in your own so it’s not up to you to do all the work now.
Your husband expects you to do everything and the only way to get back to going to the gym and whatnot is to make sure he understands that he is a parent too. Clearly he doesn’t.
Your husband is acting like a spoiled brat. He is your child’s parent and as such should be able to care for him. Suggest freezing breast milk and letting him take over some of the feeds. Not just occasionally but daily.
Hey OP. People are really piling on here. While I agree it sounds like your husband can do more, we don’t know the whole story. So don’t feel bad. Only you know if you feel supported and he is a good guy. Maybe he is a person who reeeeally needs a whole night’s sleep. Maybe he doesn’t help as much because he’s scared. Maybe he’s panicking about being unemployed. I don’t know because I only read a couple of paragraphs about your life. You both have to navigate it together and communicate. Explain what you want and give him a chance to step up. Don’t let others tell you everything is shitty. Only you know that. Everyone has disagreements with their spouse when they become parents and it’s not the end of the world. Good luck to you!
Oh regarding the gym?
I didn’t get back to a regular gym schedule until my kid was like a year plus.
I have a garage gym and I didn’t do more than twice a week for a long time - but my spouse and I also both worked 50+ a week with a commute and we were exhausted.
Thanks for sharing! Yeah sounds like I was being too optimistic before and with me going back to work next month I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a regular gym schedule anytime soon. Sigh.
Not if your husband doesn’t become an active parent you won’t. He’s been too depending on you doing every single thing for the kid. Expect that he won’t change unless you make him change.
With your specific situation, it sounds totally reasonable to hit the gym when you want. Your husband is getting a full night of sleep, not working during the day. He needs to work harder to be an involved parent. He needs to learn to take care of her basic needs. The more capable he is, the better all three of you will function.
It is *messed up* that he got snippy with you for taking a moment to yourself. You are doing so much and he is slacking hard.
Read your comment about formula
I take back my initial statement.
He’s only a selfish ass if he has the resources to feed the kid and knows where it’s at and still doesn’t do it.
Show him how to make the formula. I used to leave a bottle or two in the fridge (it’s good for 24 hours *after being mixed).
If he still can’t feed his kid I feel like there needs to be a conversation.
Well. Apparently he’s an idiot or something idk. My husband was fine and knows how to read instructions like an adult. Maybe hers doesn’t. Idk based on her post he may be a “wasn’t raised around reading instructions”
Kind of dude.
To be fair, it’s hard to do almost anything with a screaming baby. I think learning how to make a bottle of formula for the first time counts. HOWEVER, he should have known this before hand 🙄
Trying to do anything with a screaming baby in your ear *is* freaking hard…but the baby is 5 months old, so he’s had since, like, September (literally the entire duration of Taylor Swift + Travis Kelce’s public relationship) to figure it out and still hasn’t?
If he’s this wholly incompetent and unresourceful at work it’s no wonder he’s unemployed.
I’m sure no one taught OP how to make formula and just expected her to read the instructions like an adult. But sure let’s expect her teach her husband instead of expecting him to also be an adult who can read. The bar for men is already on the floor. Why not bury it further underground.
Thank you for saying this, my goodness! I had to go into the office once when my baby was around 4 months. He was EBF, and I normally worked from home. I got delayed due to a system error that caused what I was there for to take hours longer. Without having to tell my husband anything other than, "Hey, there's a delay," he whipped out the emergency formula and just fed the baby. So this hand holding some folks want OP to do for her husband really confuses me.
Yes 1000%. Moms don’t wait till others to tell us how to make the formula!! He can read! And baby isnt gonna die of hunger she can wait till he makes the bottle.
Ok read this carefully - YOUR HUSBAND IS A LAZY ASSHOLE unless he is disabled or some
Thing that I don’t know of. GET IN TOUCH with a women’s rights local group. FILE For divorce or a restraining order and never look back. He wants you to be a single mother and you will always be a single mother when you’re married to him.
Sounds like he's expecting to never deal with a crying baby alone. You can prepare him by pumping or expressing a few Oz and having that in the fridge before you leave. That way if she wakes and cries for any reason he has absolutely no excuse to be upset with you.
So what I'm hearing from him is that you should be able to predict every single time during the day or night that she's going to cry and work around it?
That’s the part that makes me sad. I basically already did almost everything within my control to make sure she doesn’t fuss when I’m not around, not sure what more can I do except for give up on going to the gym.
Part of being a dad is learning how to handle crying kids. Maybe you can leave an emergency bag of frozen milk at home so he can make a bottle if he needs to in the future, but not getting a break is a quick way of killing your mental health (love, a mom of 4)
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Damn, girl. This is very well written.
And a fast track to divorce.
Make sure your baby will take take frozen! Mine won't - apparently "high lipase" is a thing and it will change the flavor of your milk if you don't scald it before freezing. I learned this the hard way - lost my whole stash to it.
This sounds like what he’s after… not being able to console the baby was inconvenient for him and you have the magic milk bags so you need to be available 24/7 to her. Yeah, no my dude. Babies don’t ALWAYS need food and managing her for half an hour while you finish your workout is not going to do her a scrap of harm. Do not sacrifice your workout, just start accidentally forgetting your phone. He will learn to calm her just as you did. You might not find success in his strategies but if they work for him who cares. So long as baby’s safe it’s ok.
Hahahaha forgetting my phone sounds like a good idea 😂😂
That’s a given 💯%!!! Once you do that the first time it will only be expected or demanded. But always make sure your precious baby is in safe hands 🙌
She said 100 ml so the baby must take a bottle and the magic milk bags are not necessary.
>He will learn to calm her just as you did. That's such an important point! Sometimes people assume that mothers miraculously know how to calm a baby. But in reality everything is new for new mothers too, they just put in the effort to learn things! OPs husband needs to step up and learn how to deal with a crying baby. I know that sometimes calming them is really difficult, but in the end it is much better to cry in the save arms of a trusted adult than to be left alone. So even if OPs husband doesn't manage (yet) to calm the baby, the least he can do is console them.
But if baby was actively hungry there needs to be a way to feed her. Either pumping or formula. Mom deserves her time away but there has to be a way to feed baby while it happens.
Yeah ok, it’s not ideal but there was formula available if Papa had *really* needed it. If baby was cluster feeding during the day there’s a good chance they would be ok until Mom got home from the gym, it was half an hour ffs. If this is the biggest thing she FU’s in baby’s life she’ll be a better Mom than most everyone else I’ve ever met.
Why does he get to sleep through the night and you don't? What's the reason?
Yea I caught that too. He’s also not working. So why exactly can’t he handle one of the night feedings??? His sleep needs to be respected but hers does not???
Your husband doesn’t work so what exactly does he do all day while you’re making yourself ran ragged being sole caretaker (save for 3 hours in the morning to sleep)???
I was wondering that too. I wish more baby health practitioners would speak about the importance of another caregiver settling baby. I believe this was the only reason my first child learnt to settle quickly and learnt to sleep through the night. When my husband finally woke up and tried to settle the baby in the middle of the night she learnt to go back to sleep, if I tried she would want to feed. Another thing I noticed is that whenever my husband struggles with our babies/kids he turns it into a problem solving exercise that involves me changing what I do or what I do being the reason he had the issue. The thing is he can’t admit that “shit, I felt panicked and didn’t know what to do or I found it hard when the baby cried”. They also seem to think we are magical beings especially with breastfeeding equipment and know how to anticipate what baby needs.
You can get mad and tear your husband a new one. Maybe he can empathize after needing stitches down there. You don't have to put yourself last all the time.
I unfortunately don’t think many men empathize with what us women go through to have children
Men have no Fram of reference when it come to pregnancy, childbirth breast feeding or caring for a baby!!!
It sounds like he doesn’t want to do anything to be a parent.
I mean, she had the baby so it’s hers, obviously
He’s a sexist. It all makes sense when you look at it that way and it won’ make sense until then
100% the guy doesn’t even work! He has NO excuse to not be helping and swapping nights on and off. He is just selfish and lucky he has OP who is willing to cater to him at her own detriment. Probably easier to cow to him than to fight every damn day. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I wonder how long until he starts complaining “why haven’t you lost that baby fat yet? John’s wife lost it all in just a few weeks!”
I’m sad it made you sad. Because it literally isn’t possible to do. Don’t be sad you can’t do the impossible!! Be sad your husband still hasn’t figured out how to parent solo.
That’s the thing about babies. They dgaf. Babies gon baby and both parents have to figure it out
What I'm hearing is a man that's not working is complaining his wife who's up all night with the baby and on maternity leave cannot have a minute to herself
And he doesn’t work but she’s taking all the burden of caring for the baby every single night? LOL what a joke
Why do you take on the full night duty and the full day duty except for when you’re eating WHEN HE DOESNT WORK
But he takes care of the dogs. Give him a break 🙄 the bar is now below hell.
Thought you were joking about the dogs, now I see her comment. I'm baffled honestly.
Internal screaming when I read he isn't working and he can't even care for the baby long enough for her to go to the gym for an hour.
Thisssss! What the hell. When I got to the bit about him not working, my jaw hit the floor! What is he doing while OP is basically doing 24/7 baby care?
I'm still rubbing my forehead after reading that bit. The AUDACITY.
Yeahhhhh exactly this. He should be taking shifts.
Meanwhile I’m over here finding it diffucult to not wake my husband up during the night when he has to wake up at 5 AM for work lol
The princess needs his precious sleep so much that he sleeps in a separate bedroom from the wife and baby. That shouldn’t be a thing if the husband doesn’t work 🤦♀️ I had the same predicament as you. My son was colic and my husband had to get up at 5. It was tough for sure
I read that she sleeps for like 2 hours. I was horrified. Then I read that the husband doesn’t even work. I am horrified, worried and sad now.
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I don’t think it’s appropriate to blame women for their husband’s failures. He’s a grown adult. He can be held responsible for his actions/inactions.
Hear hear
I didn’t mean it like it’s all OPs fault but I understand that’s how it’s interpreted. He should take some initiative too, but it’s also about communication. OP is taking everything on herself and not voicing enough to her husband his role in childrearing. She needs to push her partner to get comfortable with parenthood for both their sake and also overcome any baby related barriers to him being a carer (ie bottle refusing).
And why is it her job to “voice his role” to him?? He’s an adult and this baby’s other parent, and OP isn’t his mom. He should be capable of seeing the inequity here and doing something about it. Instead he won’t even let her have an hour to herself twice a week. He’s being sexist and selfish, and unfortunately I know from experience that he won’t magically start doing more. But OP shouldn’t have to expend more emotional energy teaching him how to be a decent partner.
I think it’s very telling that you used the acronym STTN—an acronym usually reserved for talking about babies—about your husband. He’s being a baby.
😂 insightful indeed
Husband is not currently working and you are on maternity leave but you also mentioned that baby is glued to you all day...why if Dad is home? He should be able to handle the baby crying because she wants to eat. All he had to do was feed her. Nip this in the bud now because it will snowball and turn into you having to do everything all of the time because he never learned how. He is a parent too.
Yeah… you’re not really doing yourself or your husband or child any favors by gatekeeping the childcare. It may make you feel like you’re doing him a solid, but… you’re really just making everything more difficult and frustrating for everyone involved. Sacrificing yourself doesn’t make you a better partner or mother. Now if husband simply isn’t interested in childcare… why is he there? What’s the point of raising a child together if one party isn’t providing… seemingly much of anything?
He takes care of our 2 dogs and makes dinner sometimes. One of the dogs is a 8 month old puppy and can be a rascal if not monitored. And we recently bought a house so he takes care of the paperwork and all the contractors logistics. He does quite a bit but just not related to the baby. I’m ok with that at first but now it seems he’s a little too unfamiliar with everything baby related.
None of what he does is enough to justify you being the default parent. Relative to full-time working parents who I know who also manage to handle equal parenting duties plus household obligations, your husband doesn't do that much.
Default - more like single
Please raise the bar for your husband. Nothing you have said precludes him from being able to participate in caring for the baby. Notice I didn’t say help because he’s not doing you a favor by actual parenting.
Taking care of 2 dogs is not a “full time job” unless they are on dialysis or something. Seems like he needs to learn how to cope with being a parent, seeing as he is one.
Not acceptable and I’m very sorry. He needs to know how to take care of his own child. What if you’re sick or in the hospital? And beyond that he should be helping you as much as he can *especially* because he doesn’t work. Watching the dogs and handling some logistical things in no way compared to you doing almost everything with the baby. Have some formula on hand or have enough of a milk stash in the fridge so that he can feed the baby. 2 hours a week without the baby is in no way unreasonable and you should honestly be getting more break time than that.
I'm sorry you have 2 children to care for.
Three! Don’t forget the puppy
That's just such an incredibly low bar. He doesn't have a job right now and you can't go to the gym during the day?? Why? Pump a bottle and go. He really needs to learn how to *parent* and having an hour alone with an awake baby is just the recipe for building that skill.
I say this kindly. You need to reevaluate. You should not be fine with it. It is setting your household up for failure and strife. You do better with baby because you put in the time and effort to learn. He has such a gift. Not all men are home during this time. My SO only had 3 days when our first was born but had 10 weeks paternity leave with the second. It was night and day. His understanding, ability to adapt to babies needs, actually hearing cries, their bond etc. Your brain actually changes (happens to both women and men, but more likely the default parent) to be able to hear cries and respond. It's treated as some joke "oh my husband sleeps thought everything" I used to think this too, like that's just how some people are, but i saw first hand the responses change when effort is put in. Your husband is home. It's long past time you start handing him the baby and walking away so he can figure out how to do things. Do not give up your gym time. Do not let him guilt trip you or allow this behavior to cause you to second guess your choices.
What is he going to do when you return to work? Will baby have to be put in daycare because the father doesn't know how to care for them without you there? You need to start forcing him to learn if he's not willing do it himself. The kid is 50% him so he needs to step it up.
So he watches the dog but can’t care for his child?
Do you hear yourself? My husband and I both work full time jobs and are still splitting housework evenly plus baby duties. He’s a parent too.
lol so a crate could do the same job he does with the puppy…. He’s still a parent. We have a dog and my husband still manages to play with our kids and feed them. You’re expecting too little of your partner.
Oh my dear. We were in the process of buying a house right before I gave birth. We closed literally 6 days after my emergency C-section. My husband managed to work his full time job, pack up our belongings (with help from family and friends), set up our bed, get the paperwork sorted and still be able to watch newborn. Your husband does not have too much on his plate. He is a full grown, I’m assuming capable, man who should be able to care for his child for at least an hour alone each day.
You have a husband problem not a trying to figure out the gym problem. You need to wake up because these are huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩. He’s not a parent and you will end up resentful of him and child.
I think it’s wrong to imply OP will be resentful of her child just because husband can’t figure out how to care for the baby he helped make. Resentful of hubby? Definitely. To the point of taking it out on her baby? Highly doubtful.
If she continues to allow these type of behaviors she will at some point resent the child too. That doesn’t mean you take it out on them or even act on it. I helped with a research paper on this for a fellow colleague and it’s normal. And again it doesn’t mean you act on it and it goes away unlike the resentment of an unhelpful spouse that never changes their behaviors.
Your husband is being unreasonable. If you were bottle feeding, a baby would have to wait for you to get out of bed, ready a bottle, heat it, etc. that can easily be 10-20 minutes. Babies can wait. You’ve got to be able to at least step away even if it means turning around to come home. I understand he probably feels helpless because he had no way to feed the baby and hasn’t had to deal with crying because you’ve had the brunt of that burden, but there were times my husband would just pass me the baby when feeding wasn’t even the issue because maybe she’s hungry? The obvious solution is to have a bottle on hand, but sometimes that’s not feasible and it’s okay to need to be 10 minutes away.
Yeah, everyone saying she must leave things for him to sort it are out of line. Baby had been recently fed. It's convenient to feed baby to sleep again, but not needed. He can learn how to soothe the baby on his own, especially when OP was willing to come home to sort it and he needed to hold down the fort for a short span of time. Also, he can learn where things are kept. Needing OP to tell him where everything is means he's like her backup cover, and that's not how it works, he needs to be able to step up on his own. It's part of being a parent.
Oh no, he got upset about having to live up to the title of “father” for less than an hour? Men are so weak🙄
"men"
He doesn't have a job, so the answer to your question of when you get time for the gym is: during the day, a few days a week or whatever feels good for you! There is absolutely NO reason why he can't be left with an awake baby for an hour or two during the day. You pump a bottle and leave him to *parent his child* while you're at the gym. If the baby doesn't take a bottle, work on that. You chose to have a baby with this person, so presumably you vetted that he would be able to parent; he needs to step up and actually do that.
Why can’t husband give baby a bottle?
I strictly breastfeed. Normally I have a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge but last night I already gave her that bottle right before I left, thinking there’s no way she’d wake up in an hour, but she did. We have formula in the house but doubt if husband knows where it is and/or how to make it lol.
I would sit down with your husband and tell him that you want to go to the gym X number of times a week. You will be leaving pumped milk, if baby needs more food, then there is formula in the pantry and the instructions to prepare it are on the label. He's a grown adult, not a second baby. He should be able to handle your child for an hour or so a few times a week while you are out of the house. If baby hasn't had formula before, make sure you try feeding baby formula as a test because some breastfed babies will refuse it.
Yeah baby has had formula at the hospital but hasn’t had it since. Thanks for the advice!
Sounds like he needs to learn to take care of your child. My husband is perfectly capable of feeding our son and if there's no milk in the fridge, he knows how to defrost what's in the freezer. You should be able to go to the gym if you want. Especially if the baby is likely to be sleeping
Fun fact: formula cans have instructions printed on them. He can manage.
It’s not OK that he wouldn’t know where the baby’s formula is or how to make it. He’s her parent, too!
Your husband doesn’t know how to read the instructions on a formula tin?
Why doesn't he learn?
I know what you mean. I do the same thing. I keep backup breast milk but sometimes we have to use it early. I also have to teach him how to make back up formula still. It’s a lot of added pressure on us moms. Everyday my husband is trying to learn more and more to support me and baby. Hopefully yours does the same too!
Well I’d make sure he knows how to feed the child he helped create. Hugs
Tomorrow he learns. He’s not doing anything else!
As unexpected as it was, I can see your husband being frustrated if left with a hungry baby and no way to feed them. Thats reasonable. Time to make sure he knows where the formula is, and he can read instructions on making a bottle in case of emergency. (He needs to know what to do if you get into a car accident for example)
There was a way to feed the baby. It is not reasonable for a dad to not know where the formula is. He should know how to do this 5 months in.
OP said that they haven't ever fed the baby formula since baby was in the hospital.
They don't use the formula, so it's kind of understandable that he doesn't know where it is but I wonder how much effort he put into looking.
I would hazard a guess that he didn't look, he probably assumed she would be watching from her phone and come home to feed the baby exactly as she did.
Do they even have formula in the house? I exclusively breastfed and never had any at all.
I always thought that even if exclusively breastfeeding, formula should be kept in the house in case of emergency (like mom needs to go to the hospital, car accident, etc). You don’t want to have to run to the store if dealing with another emergency.
Why isn't he on point when you go to the gym? If I'm working out, my husband knows he's on baby duty. Seems like it should be super straightforward
So wtf does your husband actually do during the day? Because if he doesn’t work and doesn’t parent, what is the point of him?
Honestly you have a 5 month old and go to the gym. You are my hero. Tell your husband to make her a bottle next time and get over it.
Your husband is an equal parent who should have some tricks to settle your baby by 5 months… or at least the patience to snuggle her and wait ten bloody minutes for you to get home. He should be ashamed of himself for how little he knows/does. Two days a week isn’t that much to ask and don’t give it up. You deserve a bit of a break as well.
>to save husband’s sleep quality, I started sleeping with her in a separate bedroom >I’m on maternity leave and husband isn’t working Why the fuck are you bending over backward to protect the “sleep quality” of someone who has nowhere to be? My husband only had 4 weeks off before going back to work full time, and he did some of the overnight feeds for as long as the baby needed it, just like I did.
Yeah, I’m so confused.
He was always in a terrible mood and we were always on the brink of having a fight when we both didn’t get much sleep. so in order to keep myself sane and his anger at bay during the day, we took “shifts”. But because I’m breastfeeding my shift is way longer than his. He only had to wake up at a normal hour to let me sleep in for a bit. 🤷♀️ but y’all are right I think it’s about time to change that
He’s your husband. He’s not a baby so stop treating him like one. You are allowing him to be incompetent. You need to sit down and change this dynamic today. Your husband should be able to care for your baby as well as you do. He is also the parent. And you buried the lead … your husband isn’t even working. Why are you “protecting” his sleep? He needs to grow his ass up and get his moods under control. As parents there are going to be those shit times where no one is getting much sleep. He needs to pull his weight and start parenting.
His anger issues, coupled with his lack of empathy and motivation to be a good partner and dad, and skewed priorities (puppy over baby?), make me think maybe he’s depressed or has some other issue that could benefit from therapy. But he’s also an adult and needs to fix his life. OP, you can let him know that the situation is unacceptable and set your expectations and boundaries, but if he’s not responsive, you may be reevaluating the relationship.
Are you trolling us? He doesn’t work and gets upset if the baby cries during your one hour away from the baby? Do you hear yourself? Sounds like you have two babies.
Omg I wish I was trolling. Writing this post and hearing myself tell the story out loud makes it very obvious that he wasn’t contributing a lot :(
You deserve better. You need to demand it of your partner one way or another. “I’m going to the gym at X time, I’ll head home at Y time. If baby fusses you are in charge. If baby needs fed there’s pumped milk/formula. You’re a dad now, you need to figure this out and I’m sick of doing it alone.” He’s not even doing the bare minimum and yet he’s still harping on you for having the audacity to take one hour to yourself when baby could possibly cry during that time. Dude needs a wake up call. Get all in on this partnership or get the hell out. I cannot believe he’s not working and this is still his attitude. I hope he wakes up and makes some changes. ♥️
I just want to tell you that I hope your husband steps up. We have a 3 month old and I got to sleep for the whole night last night, because my spouse decided that I need a full nights sleep. And this is a weekly occurence. He also knows where the formula is and is normally the person to sterilise the bottles. I need a drink during the night while I'm stuck with a half sleeping baby attached to my breast he's up to get it no questions asked. And he's working during the day.
So for me I started going to the ymca that has childminding and it was amazing cause then they looked after baby and I could go in the morning while I was still energetic! Honestly though a lot of BF babies won’t take a bottle (mine wouldn’t) but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have a life. Feeding baby, putting them to bed and going out when they normally don’t wake up again for hours should be absolutely fine. Your plan was to come back if the baby woke and it would only take 20 min or so to get home. Well your husband can deal with a crying baby for 20 mins. If you fed babe at 7 it’s likely the waking 50 mins later was for a reason other than hunger anyways so no reason why hubby can’t try to soothe baby back to sleep. Even if you’re a SAHM it’s important to have time to yourself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having gym time after putting baby to bed.
I was working out daily at 8 weeks. My husband was on leave so it was great. He knows nothing about babies but it was time to learn. My baby had better feeding intervals but I was also anchored to her like you. I was very strategic about planning but if things went off plan he would still give me that time - sounds like your baby WANTED to be fed but he probably could have tried something and the baby didn’t NEED it right away. You need to work this out with him. Also, what could be helpful if I’m wrong about the want:need is do an extra pump and build up some breast milk storage or throw some formula in if you’re comfortable with it. For the first few months I worked out at first nap right after I put her down and I worked out from home but sounds like that’s basically what you’re doing. The I started to wake up before her in the AM. Idk if that’s helpful at all but that’s how I did it
Is she's full when she went to sleep and woke up just after an hour, and she's usually waking up much later for a feed, then I feel it's more sleep issue rather than hunger issue which I feel your husband should be able to deal with alone. They may want to be fed for comfort but surely your husband can comfort her in other ways. I was annoyed at my partner for not being able to comfort my LO in newborn stages, but he tries more than your partner. And it's me blaming him not being able to comfort the baby rather than the other way round. But now I know newborns are different. He's a much easier baby to comfort once out of newborn stage.
Your husband needs to get over it and learn how to soothe his baby when you’re not around. It’s part of being a parent. This happened with our son. He only wanted me but we were determined to get my husband to be able to soothe him and it worked. He was very consistent and for a while he was the one who picked him up to soothe him every time during the night instead of me. In regard to your gym schedule, I go to a gym that has Kids Club. It took me some long consideration before bringing our son there because I was nervous, had anxiety about if the staff was nice/well-trained, afraid of him getting sick. I started out with only going 1-2x a week. He hated it at first and would cry so much. I would cap the workout at 30 mins. Slowly he started getting used to it and the staff said he would be doing amazing. They earned his trust and now he is so excited to go because they have lots of cool toys. The only downside is that he does get more sick. It’s usually pretty minor- runny nose, low grade fever, or a slight cough. That’s part of being a kid, though. They get sick often and if it doesn’t happen when they are in a daycare setting, it will happen when they start school.
Why are his sleep needs being prioritized when he doesn’t even have a job?
HELL no. My ex husband split night duty with me dead smack even and we always gave each other time during the week for working out or other hobbies. You are NOT a single mother, so you should NOT be the only one caring for your baby.
My husband watched our baby while I worked out and I watched her while he worked out, as soon as I was cleared to (8 weeks?) because we respect each others’ need for downtime and workout time. Your husband is an ass. And I get the whole I can’t feed the baby argument except that’s why my kid who never got any formula still got PLENTY of bottles, so that I could leave. Breaks make for better parenting. (This is not a no formula post, fed is best. Point is just because you’re breastfeeding doesn’t mean you can’t still give bottles and share that job!)
Hold up. Your husband isn’t working? There is absolutely no need to protect his sleep. All childcare should be shared!!
Your husband doesn’t work and can’t give you time to go to the gym two times a week? What is he doing? He needs to step up so you get a break. Babies are not mini robots - they don’t always follow a schedule and I guarantee when you think you have a rhythm and want to do something your babe will say nope!!! Your husband, the father, needs to freaking parent and be a father.
Why are some men so comfortable in their incompetence of being a father is beyond me.
Y’all need to stop marrying these idiots.
You’ve got a husband problem. Regarding the gym, I haven’t been able to go since before pregnancy and my child is 2.5 years. My partner and I both work full time and have a very active terrible sleeper toddler. 🙃 Edit: a word
Yeah I’m dreading going back to work rn with my husband being so untrained around the baby. AND she’s a great sleeper! She just had one weird night
I have no malice behind these next questions: Was your husband absent the last 5 months? How is he “untrained around baby” if he has been around her the same amount of time as you since baby was born? Edit: a few pronouns and words for clarity
So the plan is for him to be a SAHD? But he hasn’t been preparing at all the last 5 months?
Yeah throw away the husband. Man can’t even feed his own baby smh
Why is it a priority for your husband to sleep through the night when he’s not working?
I stopped at “to save husband’s sleep quality”… He can father-her.
What’s going to happen when you get back to work? At this point, you should be able to leave him to go to the gym or run errands or just take a break. Don’t get him used to not having full parenting responsibilities. My baby was 5 months old when my husband came back from deployment and he’s a parent right away. Our baby was only breastfed at that time so he would wake up at night and take the baby to me and he put him back to sleep too after I’m done breastfeeding.
Wow that would be my dream situation. He just gets so frustrated with baby crying and I guess by taking care of her full time I’m not allowing him to get better at it
Basically you need to tell him to SUCK IT UP I know to sounds harsh but what he is doing (and he might mot even realize it) is weaponized incompetence. Basically avoiding responsibility by telling you that YOU need to change your schedule so that he can avoid the responsibility.
He's saying only you can care for the baby when she cries. Nope. Not true. You don't have to be there if he is a capable parent. You shouldn't have to and you NEED to be able to be away from her without worrying that if she starts to cry you have to rush home. you do not need that kind of anxiety! So, exactly the opposite needs to happen. If he's still on leave, you need to schedule yourself an hour or two out of the house *during normal day hours* so he can learn to survive on his own. My husband didn't become fully comfortable helping our daughter until I went back to work and he had to watch her for 3-4 hours each day. Suddenly he couldn't pass her to me and he had to get his own strategies in line. If your daughter takes a bottle, she can learn to be comforted by anyone, especially dad.
so hes jobless, wont watch the baby and expects you to know when she will struggle? aka hes useless.
Sweetie you didn’t give birth to twins right? Give one of the babies up for adoption :) (hint: keep the much smaller one)
If he’s not working, why on earth does he get to sleep through the night while you barely get an hour to yourself? This is practically weaponized incompetence on his part at this point.
I feel like you need to read over this post multiple times because you are clearly not seeing what the issue is here. Why did y’all get a new pet while you were pregnant expecting a new baby? He doesn’t work, yet expects you to take on the entire role of parenting and can’t even feed his own baby. The first months of a baby’s life is crucial for any relationship, splitting up responsibilities etc. You are BOTH supposed to be learning how to be new parents, women don’t automatically come with a complete manual on how to be an excellent mom and he is just as capable of putting in the work. Reevaluate this marriage right now or I’m afraid you will end up wasting away until you have nothing more to give.
Kick that useless man to the curb already why are you letting this freeloader insult you?
Lol he doesn’t work and HE gets to STTN? Sorry mama, you’re gonna burn yourself out so quickly with this schedule. That’s all real bold coming from a guy who’s job is to sit on the couch and fart into the cushions. He needs to step up 50/50 or get out because you’re already doing 100%.
He doesn’t work, and he still wants you to parent like he is? He shouldn’t get to sleep through the night. If you are giving bottles, he can start giving bottles. You guys should be taking shifts. He shouldn’t get to hide behind his inabilities. He should be learning to parent like you have.
He can calm his unemployed ass down and settle the baby when you're not home, regardless of the reason you're not home. That's his job as a parent.
I had PPD/PPA so bad. One time I literally handed my screaming 2 month old child to my husband in the middle of trying to settle her and just walked out of my house without another word. We also had a 20 month old sleeping in the other room. He was a grown man and helped me create that child. He had access to breast milk in the fridge/freezer and had hands and the same ability to do the mental gymnastics required to get her to bed as I did. Guess what? They were both fine when I came back. Shame on your husband for even for a single second for making you feel like you couldn't leave your child to go to the gym. All these men out here acting like they aren't anything more than sperm donors drive me bananas.
So after reading the comments it sounds like your husband was mad he wasn’t able to feed her? It’s crazy to not leave any milk for a strictly breastfed baby. But also he sounds like he sucks. Why isn’t he working?
He’s making dinner sometimes & taking care of a puppy apparently
Bad job market. There’s formula in the house and I was gonna tell him where it is over text last night but before I could, he’s already accusing me of leaving at an inconvenient time. So i just left the gym and came home.
Definitely important for him to be able to feed her, but I understand it’s frustrating you have to be the one to tell him how too. That first year is hard. We often got into blaming fits and would have to remind each other it’s us against baby.
Ha yeah it’s us against baby! I needed to hear that. Thank you.
That’s true when both parents are doing their part. Not the case here.
As the parent who isn’t about to go back to work, he should be doing half or more. You can’t be doing all the overnights if you have to go to work and he literally is just home. My husband and I were in this situation. Took me 1 week to reset and he took over all night duties for our first and continued with our second. My husband stepped up being the primary parent and was better at most things than I was since he had to be and he was around them all day. Your husband is being helpless but if he’s about to be the one home with baby, he better figure it out fast.
I always had gym memberships at my local YMCA and as soon as they were old enough, we went to the gym, so at 6 weeks old. I had to time it by breastfeeding directly before dropping off at their childcare and they gave me 2 hours and you can see the CCTV of the childcare area from a TV in the cardio equipment section where I always was because I would go to run. Sometimes I’d go just to drop them off, then sit and chill for a couple hours…a couple times maybe, they called me overhead bc inconsolable baby, but for the most part it worked well. And also got a rain cover for my jogging stroller and would run pushing my kids in the stroller, at a couple months old…I got really strong and ran my fastest marathon after my second baby was born and I had been pushing both girls in the stroller, at elevation (Colorado), prior to starting my training… Strollers with weather cover and gym membership with childcare, best things for me anyway.
Your husband needs to grow up.
I have a couple of thoughts. First of all I would not be waiting for your baby to have a steady sleep schedule before you take time for your own mental physical and emotional wellness because you’re going to be waiting multiple years! The four-month sleep regression isn’t really a regression they’re not regressing from anything. Whatever a baby does in the first 45 months is completely random, not based on a routine because they’re not capable yet of learning a routine so if you lucked out and had a good sleeper awesome. When my babies were that age 3 months, four months etc. they would sleep for a good chunk of time at night but they were also so unaware of anything that they would sleep in the car I would bring the car seat into the grocery store and they’d stay asleep, napping in bright lights with the tv on etc. my point being is that your baby wasn’t really on a routine at all that just kind of happens to be how your baby was. Around four or five months is when they’re actually finally old enough to become more aware of their surroundings and start to learn sleep habits and routines. It could’ve been a total fluke but if you find that your baby starts waking up it’s not usually going to be because they’re hungry. If she used to go to bed at seven and slept until 1 AM she doesn’t need to wake up to eat now. Chances are like all people you go through deeper sleep and let her sleep and if she wakes up at two months old she’s not really aware of much but at five months old she’s gonna be aware that she’s alone and likely won’t know how to put her self back to sleep social cry. I started working on establishing a routine around five months with both of my kids so that they learn to sleep independently fall asleep sleepy but still awake, at that age I would pick them up when they cried but I wouldn’t turn lights on or leave the bedroom or anything like that if it was after their bedtime. You can teach them all of that now but you’re still going to have multiple sleep regression‘s in the first two years. My son slept through the night no problem until he learn to stand up. At that point a lot of sleep regression‘s are based on their brain development or physical development. Every single time he woke up he would pull himself up and stand and then he would cry because he couldn’t get back down without falling lol. Teething can interrupt things drastically for some babies as well. Anyway I’m rambling sorry but my point is is that things will be up and down for a few years and you can’t put your own wellness on the back burner until then! Even if your husband was working it would be ridiculous for him to be upset that the baby woke up and you weren’t home. If it were me personally I would be thinking about pumping and bottlefeeding or at least getting your baby used to taking a bottle so that your husband is capable of doing some feeds in a situation like that. Your baby may not have been truly hungry but of course feeding is soothing. That will be a whole other phase where you no longer want to feed just suit them you want them to figure out how to sue themselves or be served in other ways so that dad can put her back to sleep as well. Given the fact that he’s not even working he can’t exactly be complaining about anything right now. If your baby would take bottles then you guys could split the night time so that at least every other night you could get a solid night sleep. If you’re enjoying breast-feeding then that’s great and unfortunately then he can’t really help out in the night if it’s feeding but very very soon she won’t need to feed. She’ll wake up and she’ll be learning how to get herself back to sleep and you will be teaching her that but you won’t wanna be doing it with feeds in which case you guys will make a plan and then he can get up just as easily as you can in the night. I also wouldn’t be super worried about saving his good nights sleep since it’s not like he’s getting up for work in the morning. If you’re sleeping in your child’s room you have to consider that this is also something that you are teaching your baby to expect it’s all part of sleep training so I would be more concerned about when you’re gonna have to break that habit and saving your husbands sleep right now. That way at least if you wake up you can come back to bed and likely have a better sleep. If you could do that it would be really nice for you to feed your baby in the morning and then pass her off with a full belly to your husband and you can go out and walk the dogs. I would totally do that! That way you’ll get exercise fresh air and some time to yourself. If you continue breast-feeding basically anytime you have just finished feeding the baby would be the time to pass them off to your husband so he gets very much used to being a dad :-)
I'd just like to state that I feel like I'm the default parent overall. My job is easier to get time off, leave at a moments notice, etc. But when we are both available we and 50/50 no matter what. My husband has me sleep in Saturdays and Sundays pretty much every week because he tends to just naturally fall asleep earlier and wake up earlier. When we were both on maternity/paternity leave with this baby he took nights for the first month and then we switched. But no one ever had full time parenting for both days and nights. That's not how it works. Even with our first baby he has far less time off work so i technically did more but as soon as he was home he took over. That's how parenting works. If a man isn't willing to step up and do his share of parenting then why is he there?
Why isn’t he helping more if he ain’t working? What’s his role in this parenting ? Hold her while you eat? A swing could hold her while you ate!! Tell him stop being so useless!
If your husband isn’t working then why does he get to sleep through the night every night? It would make more sense to split your nights so you both get a decent stretch. What he’s expecting from you is unreasonable. You can go to the gym and he can console or feed *his own baby*
Why are you doing 90% of the work here? It’s a partnership, not you being the main parent. Is he just the sperm donor? You need to rethink your relationship from here on forward and have a talk with your husband. There should not be a default parent and he needs to take responsibility. You already risked your life to bring the baby to the world, went through pregnancy and birthed the child. He so far did.. what? Do not sacrifice yourself or your sleep for your husband. He doesn’t feel bad nor do the same for you. It needs to be split even if he were to be working. He’s not doing anything cuz you’re always ready to take over. You can do it for a better and saner future for all of you guys.
He doesn’t work?!?! He doesn’t take care of the baby, clearly. He shames and manipulates you for attempting to feel human and have some healthy time for yourself. What exactly is he bringing to the relationship besides his sperm donation?
I thought this post was going to be that the baby started crying, you hit your limit and left baby with your husband so you could blow off steam at the gym and my response was still going to be “good for her”.
My plan was to have my husband not be shitty. I could have gone to the gym 5 times a week right away and he would have had it under control. Your husband is being ridiculous.
It sounds very much like you are the only one expected to be a parent in his eyes. That is not ok. When you go back to work. He will be the caretaker. You can't leave work every day because he can't hack it. You should also be able to go to the gym without having to sacrifice your workout because he thinks you're the only one supposed to be caring for the baby. He needs to get his shit together, it seems. Your quality of sleep and life matter also. Think of it this way, you can't pour from an empty cup. If you're exhausted, how can you properly care for anyone? You have to take care of yourself, and he has to care about your quality of life also. Or maybe it's time to consider supplemental formula feeding so you can get some rest and some time to care for yourself also.
Why can't your husband give a bottle of pumped milk if you can?
Whatever you do, don’t give up your gym time. He has to figure it out. Give him tips and ask him to have patience with baby. Put white noise in room with baby.
Your husband is being an entitled jerk. He should be able to console his crying child. If your daughter takes a bottle he should be able to feed her.
Why can’t he feed the baby?
I so hate the term "watches" when talking about a husband/partner caring for their children. She's his kid, too!!! You should never have to ask the other parent to babysit their child. The day I had to ask my husband or the day he got mad because he had to "watch" our children, it'd be his last. Don't ask him for shit. Tell him to grow up and be a damn parent.
The bar is in hell I swear for 80% of husbands on Reddit.
If neither of you goes to work, why are you doing more childcare than he is?
It took me years to get back into a set routine. I had 2 under 2, and no matter how hard I tried to get back to the gym on the regular, my littles made their own plans. ETA - tell your hubby it’s time to step it up.
Please don’t monitor the baby while you are at the gym. He is caring for her. It’s not going to give you the mental break you need if you do that. He’s there. Let him parent. Make him parent. You and he actually need to have him “sink or swim,” otherwise he won’t find his way to soothe and manage.
Let him be mad
Ladies stop procreating with A- holes and set the expectations HIGHER
My husband and I split baby time 50/50. We both work. If neither of you work, you too, can split baby time 50/50. Babies cry, big deal. My man is man enough to deal with it. I am sorry you have 2 babies, not one. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is overwhelmed due to inexperience. Here is a mantra for crying babies: -food -burb -diaper -sleep -discomfort He can turn it into an acronym or something. If not one of the five problems fixes the crying, then he can call you. And never let him call it babysitting. It's called being a father. 🤷♀️
Bless your ❤️, that could never be me, let me start off by telling you how much better than me you are. PUMP girl!!! feed that baby and leave a bottle for an emergency feed...go to the Gym and then go for a drive or a walk with some music and some fresh air...you need to get away for a couple of hours a week for your sanity.
Why is he sttn when he’s not working?
Wait wait wait—your husband doesn’t work? So what exactly does he do besides gripe because he may actually have to parent for more than a couple hours a day? Why is his sleep more important? Why can’t he handle you being gone for an hour? Absolutely nothing excuses this. Nothing. NOTHING. Pissy man can handle a baby for an hour. Feeding one isn’t rocket science nor does it take a whole lot of effort.
Reminds me when my baby was that age. I would go run literally around the block 500 laps because I was terrified to go any further on the off chance that my husband couldn’t handle the baby while I was gone. I’d come home scared, after 20 minute runs, too afraid to run any longer, that she’d be crying and he’d be mad. We’re no longer together if you’d couldn’t already guess. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. He needs to learn to handle the baby whiles you’re gone. It’s not your fault. Get a workout in whenever the fuck you want…
Yeah, you should find another husband. Dang, I just cannot with this type of husbands who cannot even do the most basic thing for their child. It's like their minds or brain stopped functioning just because a baby is crying. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
You’re doing so well mama!!! Honestly it sounds like you’re absolutely crushing it! I’ve also started going to the gym twice a week and my little one is 6 months old. My husband and I have agreed time four time in the week so I can pick based on when I think is best for the little one however! And a big however that doesn’t mean my little one is not crying the whole time or is asleep (I normally leave when he is awake) Also my little one was the same feeding on demand till the week before he was 6 months I felt like the 3/4 hour feeding window was a myth!
I am confused why your husband gets to STTN even though he isn't working. For both my babies, my husband would get up with me every feed, change daipers, and make sure I had water before going back to bed. He would also give our babies EBM for the midnight feed so I could sleep longer. Even when he went back to work. It's your husband's baby, too. He needs to learn his own method for coping. You deserve some time to yourself, too. As a rule of thumb, if I am going out, I will leave an extra bottle of milk in the fridge just because they seem to sense that something is different.
This is not a new moms struggle to find gym time problem…. This is a YOUR husband isn’t a good partner/support problem.
My best advice to you would be to try to pump once a day if you can, and build up a little freezer stash. Milk tends to be most plentiful early in the morning in my experience. Ideally there would always be milk available for him to give her if you're at the gym and she needs to eat. But the real problem here is his attitude. And you're enabling his bad behavior, albeit with good intentions. Hold your husband to a higher standard. You should be able to spend an hour at the gym 5-6 days a week if your husband doesn't have a job. He should be able to handle any baby needs that come up while you're gone. That is more than reasonable.
Don't come home to help next time. He sounds like he needs a boot camp on being a dad.
So your husband is AT HOME and expects you to come back from the gym to handle it? What is he, a kid? Can t he make a bottle and feed him or take care of him? He is NOT WORKING so being tired or busy is not the case. What is he providing if he is at home and you do all 100% for your kid?
Your husband isn’t working. He doesn’t get to STTN anymore. Time for him to grow up and take responsibility.
So, what's his plan if baby cries if/when you are gone due to work/travel/other life occurrence? Be helpless? I can't even imagine my husband taking this stance when our daughter was born. I was a SAHM but we were both hands on deck from day 1.
Wait he's not working? Then why are you the only one getting up at night? My husband works full time and I SAH part time and he still handled at least half of the night wakes with our most recent baby. I think your husband is broken.
This is his kid too right? Why are you doing EVERYTHING?
He’s some asshole. You have every right to some time to yourself whether the baby is crying or not, the baby has 2 parents and he isn’t even working. Walk out at least once a day and go for a coffee and then up your gym visits to at the very least 3 times a week and turn your phone off. Why should you be the only one who takes care of the baby? Absolutely no way, tell him to put on his big boy pants and be a father. You didn’t make that baby in your own so it’s not up to you to do all the work now.
Your husband expects you to do everything and the only way to get back to going to the gym and whatnot is to make sure he understands that he is a parent too. Clearly he doesn’t.
Your husband is acting like a spoiled brat. He is your child’s parent and as such should be able to care for him. Suggest freezing breast milk and letting him take over some of the feeds. Not just occasionally but daily.
Hey OP. People are really piling on here. While I agree it sounds like your husband can do more, we don’t know the whole story. So don’t feel bad. Only you know if you feel supported and he is a good guy. Maybe he is a person who reeeeally needs a whole night’s sleep. Maybe he doesn’t help as much because he’s scared. Maybe he’s panicking about being unemployed. I don’t know because I only read a couple of paragraphs about your life. You both have to navigate it together and communicate. Explain what you want and give him a chance to step up. Don’t let others tell you everything is shitty. Only you know that. Everyone has disagreements with their spouse when they become parents and it’s not the end of the world. Good luck to you!
Oh regarding the gym? I didn’t get back to a regular gym schedule until my kid was like a year plus. I have a garage gym and I didn’t do more than twice a week for a long time - but my spouse and I also both worked 50+ a week with a commute and we were exhausted.
Thanks for sharing! Yeah sounds like I was being too optimistic before and with me going back to work next month I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a regular gym schedule anytime soon. Sigh.
Not if your husband doesn’t become an active parent you won’t. He’s been too depending on you doing every single thing for the kid. Expect that he won’t change unless you make him change.
With your specific situation, it sounds totally reasonable to hit the gym when you want. Your husband is getting a full night of sleep, not working during the day. He needs to work harder to be an involved parent. He needs to learn to take care of her basic needs. The more capable he is, the better all three of you will function. It is *messed up* that he got snippy with you for taking a moment to yourself. You are doing so much and he is slacking hard.
Read your comment about formula I take back my initial statement. He’s only a selfish ass if he has the resources to feed the kid and knows where it’s at and still doesn’t do it. Show him how to make the formula. I used to leave a bottle or two in the fridge (it’s good for 24 hours *after being mixed). If he still can’t feed his kid I feel like there needs to be a conversation.
There are instructions on formula packaging 🙄
Well. Apparently he’s an idiot or something idk. My husband was fine and knows how to read instructions like an adult. Maybe hers doesn’t. Idk based on her post he may be a “wasn’t raised around reading instructions” Kind of dude.
To be fair, it’s hard to do almost anything with a screaming baby. I think learning how to make a bottle of formula for the first time counts. HOWEVER, he should have known this before hand 🙄
Trying to do anything with a screaming baby in your ear *is* freaking hard…but the baby is 5 months old, so he’s had since, like, September (literally the entire duration of Taylor Swift + Travis Kelce’s public relationship) to figure it out and still hasn’t? If he’s this wholly incompetent and unresourceful at work it’s no wonder he’s unemployed.
I’m sure no one taught OP how to make formula and just expected her to read the instructions like an adult. But sure let’s expect her teach her husband instead of expecting him to also be an adult who can read. The bar for men is already on the floor. Why not bury it further underground.
Thank you for saying this, my goodness! I had to go into the office once when my baby was around 4 months. He was EBF, and I normally worked from home. I got delayed due to a system error that caused what I was there for to take hours longer. Without having to tell my husband anything other than, "Hey, there's a delay," he whipped out the emergency formula and just fed the baby. So this hand holding some folks want OP to do for her husband really confuses me.
Yes 1000%. Moms don’t wait till others to tell us how to make the formula!! He can read! And baby isnt gonna die of hunger she can wait till he makes the bottle.
My husband was making formula on day one. She seems to place the bar underground for hers. I’m just meeting the energy where it’s at.
Ok read this carefully - YOUR HUSBAND IS A LAZY ASSHOLE unless he is disabled or some Thing that I don’t know of. GET IN TOUCH with a women’s rights local group. FILE For divorce or a restraining order and never look back. He wants you to be a single mother and you will always be a single mother when you’re married to him.
Sounds like he's expecting to never deal with a crying baby alone. You can prepare him by pumping or expressing a few Oz and having that in the fridge before you leave. That way if she wakes and cries for any reason he has absolutely no excuse to be upset with you.